Latawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs



"Connie started smoking drugs and drinking, and Connie's sisters also started smoking drugs and drinking; so when Latawnya, the naughty horse, saw Connie smoking drugs and drinking, Latawnya started smoking drugs and drinking too."

The story of a horse named Latawnya, and the way she learns her lesson not to engage in "smoking games" and "drinking games", just because the other horses are doing it.

This book is hilariously poorly written, and contains some of the most surreal illustrations you'll ever see. Non-cartoony horses with blunts and beer bottles in their mouths, and an OD'd horse lying on the ground while its family cries, are the main illustrative highlights of this fable.

See three hilarious Dramatic Readings of it here and here and here. Jimmy Fallon profiled the book as part of a "Do Not Read List" segment on his talk show (relevant part starts at 2:35).


 * Author Tract
 * Clueless Aesop: It's a children's book about a non-anthropmorphic horse who learns the dangers of drug abuse. ...Yeah.
 * Department of Redundancy Department: Quite a lot of reiterating the moral and repeating stuff in the same paragraph!
 * The author would like to thank God. "Thank you, God."
 * See the quote at the top of the page, verbatim from the book! You can imagine what the author's English teacher did upon reading it to wash that memory out of her head!
 * Latawnya's name is rarely mentioned without "the naughty horse" being tagged onto the end, bringing up the question of why there was no 'Connie the manipulative horse' or 'Daisy the sane horse'.
 * Also, there's quite a lot of reiterating the moral and repeating stuff in the same paragraph!
 * Did Not Do the Research: Smoking drugs? Overdosing from smoking? A "smoking game"? Has this author ever encountered drugs in her life?
 * James horse's friend who overdosed seems to have overdosed on a cigarette.
 * The author seems to have failed to notice that horses could not hold bottles or joints with their hooves, let alone raise said bottles or joints to their mouths.
 * I've seen a camel that was trained to pick up a Coke bottle with its mouth. Not sure if horses can do it, too.
 * Drugs Are Bad: So bad, that Latawnya gets sick the instant she tries them. (Probably because she's a horse.) Why would anyone enjoy using them?
 * Exactly What It Says on the Tin: The story is indeed about a wayward equine who gets the Drugs Are Bad message dropped on her.
 * Fantastic Aesop: According to the ASPCA marijuana is toxic to horses (fatalities are rare but possible). Fortunately any horses who read this book will know to avoid it.
 * Frivolous Lawsuit: The author filed one against Amazon, Wikipedia and Urban Dictionary, which assumed the latter two to be the same company. It's worth a look simply for the grammar, which reads like Tara Gilesbie's Zero Wing of Argon.
 * In fact, the writing of that complaint seems to imply that the author's Department of Redundancy Department isn't for the benefit of child readers, she really just writes like that.
 * Informed Flaw: Until she starts playing smoking games and drinking games, the naughtiest thing we see Latawnya do is mimic a noise she hears.
 * Long-Lost Uncle Aesop: The part about Father Horse's friend that died from overdosing.
 * Rule of Symbolism: In the second book (yes, there are two of them!), Spooky the drug dealer is black, with red horns and a cactus up his butt which is probably meant to be a horned tail. It's pretty subtle for a Latawnya book.
 * Scare'Em Straight: Attempts to do this, but the massive amounts of Did Not Do the Research, the sheer ridiculousness of the premise and the terrible writing make it pretty ineffective.
 * Species Surname: All the horses appear to have the last name "horse", not capitalized.
 * Vanity Publishing: How this got made.
 * Watch It Stoned: Ironically enough, this is exactly the sort of book which is best enjoyed while stoned.
 * What Happened to the Mouse?: At one point, Latawnya hears a scary noise, then later mimics it. But what was the noise?
 * Also, why introduce Gregory by name if he's never even mentioned again?
 * Write Who You Know: The horses are named after the author's family.