Speed Sex



"Oh Al! You're... done."

- Peggy Bundy, Married... with Children

One of the standards of sexual prowess for a guy, at least in fiction, is how long sex with him can be expected to last. Thus, a male character's real or alleged inablility to maintain a Raging Stiffie long enough for it to provide much pleasure for his partner is a frequent subject for insults, gossip, or Self Deprecating Humor. Sometimes it has implications of selfishness (if the guy is only interested in his own orgasm and assumes sex is over once it's happened) or inexperience/ineptitude (premature ejaculation also features often here). Men might Think Unsexy Thoughts to avoid this.

While this can be a problem for men in Real Life, it tends to be exagerated in fiction, mostly for purpose of comedy.

Compare The Loins Sleep Tonight, for when he can't get it up in the first place. If the couple decides to do something else sexual instead, check Technical Virgin. A man ejaculating before he can even get his clothes off is Jizzed in My Pants.

Comic Books

 * In Watchmen, Hollis Mason recalls a joke about the 1940s "masked avenger" team to which he once belonged, namely that they were called the Minutemen because of their bedroom performance.
 * In one Defenders arc, The Hulk was abducted by Dark Dimension Lord Umar for her bedroom entertainment. Not even he could keep up with her for more than about six minutes. (She wasn't too discouraged, apparently, because she abducted him again in a post-World War Hulk story when he was in full Worldbreaker mode—this time he was equal to the challenge).

Film

 * In Survive Style 5+, commercial executive Yoko sleeps with a man who lasts all of three seconds. She thinks up an ISP commercial based on this.
 * The first arc of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
 * Jim's webcam encounter with Nadia in the original American Pie. Bonus points for it happening twice in as many minutes.
 * Gwen's boyfriend Richard in National Lampoon's Van Wilder orgasms in 15 seconds when having sex with Gwen and 10 seconds when cheating on her with another girl. He then blames it all on stress. Gwen pays him back by mentioning his "problem" in her article.
 * In Mallrats, Brodie gets on an elevator with René, and they manage to have frantic sex before the doors open back up.
 * Justified in Once Bitten, in which the young couple have less than a minute to render the guy unsuitable for a virgin-hunting vampiress to prey upon.
 * Happens in A Night at the Roxbury; when the two protagonists finally meet two women willing to have sex with them, they each last less than a minute.

Literature

 * In Stephen King's IT, Beverly's friend, Kay McCall (a feminist writer) says this about her ex-husband: "Two pumps a tickle and a squirt, that was ole Sammy's motto. The only time he could keep it up for longer than seventy seconds was when he was pulling off in the tub."

Music
"Making love Making love for Making love for two Making love for two minutes (When it's with me, you only need two minutes, 'cause I'm so intense)"
 * Flight of the Conchords' song Business Time discusses this.

"I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you But then you make this sound, and it's apparently all over"
 * According to his autobiography, Violent J is a self-described "minute-man". He explains that this is because he gets way too excited during the first round of sex with a new groupie, but that the second time around he averts this trope decently enough after getting "used" to her. He also says that the reason he put this embarrassing bit of info in his autobiography, which might or might not be mostly fictional, is because he's "sure a bunch of the women [he's] slept with have already posted it on several 'celebrity slam sites' anyway".
 * Lily Allen's "It's Not Fair" is about resenting her (otherwise very decent) boyfriend for being crap in bed:


 * Swedish rock singer Magnus Uggla's "4 sekunder" ("4 Seconds") is about a guy with this problem.

Live Action TV
"Abbey: We'll coordinate our schedules and find a free hour. Bartlet: I don't think it's gonna take more than a couple minutes, but I appreciate your confidence."
 * The episode of The West Wing where Abbey tells Bartlet his health is good enough to have sex again for the first time since he was shot.

"Roz: One minute he's lying in bed, smiling and happy, and ten seconds later it's over. Niles: Oh for heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life! Why can't you women take it as a compliment?"
 * In an episode of Have I Got News for You they're talking about good songs to have sex to (because of Alan Clark's sex scandal) and Paul Merton says his would have to be the Minute Waltz.
 * Home Improvement had a similar Minute Waltz joke.
 * In the episode of Friends that flashes back to the night Monica and Chandler hooked up, we see that once they agree to have sex, Chandler undressed really quickly. Monica remarks on this and Chandler replies, "It bodes well for me that speed impresses you."
 * Al Bundy from Married... with Children is constantly mocked for his "5 second sex".
 * In the That '70s Show episode "The Velvet Rope", Jackie and Kelso are shown kissing and laying down on her bed. The camera then shifts to a 1970s-style digital clock as it ticks away... two minutes.
 * Blackadder had several examples, such as a "time passes" fade to the post-sex cigarette with a title card reading "Two Minutes Later."
 * The Golden Girls: This and being an incurable skirt-chaser are the defining traits of Dorothy's ex-husband, Stan. In fact, Stan's lack of stamina is mentioned more than his infidelity by Dorothy.
 * In an episode of Frasier that had a running gag of characters making Innocent Innuendo and being overheard and misunderstood, Niles walks in just in time to completely misinterpret Roz lamenting how an elderly friend in a retirement home died, and so gives a suspiciously indignant reaction...


 * In Misfits, Nathan ejaculates within seconds after a scene of intense foreplay involving kissing, removal of clothes and intimate touching. Ruth laughs - not at Nathan's sexual mistake, but at the face he pulls during orgasm. Thankfully, she lets him have another go, but unfortunately
 * The New Statesman (the tv series, not the newspaper) has a Running Gag that, in addition to his Teeny Weenie, sex with Alan lasts 30 seconds: in one episode he and his wife use sex as an egg timer. Strangely, his frequent talk of his sexual prowess often includes references to his lack of stamina, and he seems to consider it a point of pride that he's "getting quicker".
 * The Secret Life of the American Teenager: According to Amy, her first time with Ricky was "like two seconds". He must have just been having an off night, since he's shown to be quite the ladies' man with everyone else and.
 * House: The episode "Nine to Five" shows Lisa and her boyfriend having (at his insistence) sex for anywhere from one to a whopping two minutes.

Stand Up Comedy

 * One of Dave Chappelle's old stand-up jokes was that he was a "speed fucker" and that he had gotten his best time down to a minute twenty.
 * The joke about Superman being faster than a speeding bullet.

Video Games

 * According to the lore of Pokémon games, no human has ever seen two Pokémon mating, even when placed in nurseries, they somehow manage to do so when the supervisors' backs are turned. Nobody has ever seen them giving birth either, the supervisors always check on them to find the parents holding an egg, with no clue as to when or how it happened.
 * This is taken Up To Eleven in Pokémon Scarlet and Violet. There are no nurseries in these games, instead, breeding is done by having two compatible Pokémon on your team during a picnic - the egg is found in the picnic basket. This means the two Pokémon are able to mate, produce an egg, and place it in the basket all under their trainers' nose without them noticing. One could even assume it happens during the short amount of time it takes to make a sandwich or give another Pokémon on the team a bath, the only times during a picnic you can't see what all of them are doing.

Web Original

 * Zero Punctuation - When Yahtzee isn't making fun of everyone else (Your Mom in particular) or pointing out how not gay he is, he's joking about his atrocious sex life.

Western Animation
"Homer: Marge! What a lovely surprise! You're here to see me, right? Marge: Of course! (cuddles and kisses him on the cheek) (Homer picks her up and carries her past his cheering co-workers ('Way to go Homer, Way to Go!')) Worker: Hey, what will I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!"
 * The Simpsons
 * "And Maggie Makes Three", has a joke about this and Maggie's conception. Homer and Marge are kissing in bed; cut to a "Seconds Later" title card, and a mini-Homer sperm joins an egg saying "Woo hoo!".
 * In the episode "Life on the Fast Lane", after Marge & Homer have resolved their Marriage Problem of the Week, Marge surprises Homer at work:

"Kang: Look behind you! (Marge looks, Kang fires a green ray at her) Insemination complete! Marge: Is that it? Kang: What are you implying? Marge: Nothing... Nothing... Kang: (checks imaginary watch) Oh, look at the time, I've got to go. You're a super girl, though. Call you sometime! (Dumps Marge out of the spaceship)"
 * In a "Treehouse of Horror" episode, Marge gets abducted by Kang and Kodos to be impregnated. After selecting The Alley Behind a Porno Theater from a list of "common human spawning locations:"

"FCC man: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Those actions are highly inappropriate. Lois: What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex? FCC man: Oh, you can have sex, just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever. [Beat] Lois: Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to... Peter: I'm done. 'Night, Lois. (falls asleep on top of her)"
 * Family Guy
 * In the episode "PTV", the FCC starts censoring real life. When Lois and Peter are about to have sex, a guy from the FCC appears:

"Stu: I'm sorry. That's, um... That's never happened to me before. Fran: Which part? The eight seconds of sex, or the 40 minutes of crying?"
 * In the movie, Stewie arranges his loser future self, Stu to lose his virginity to his co-worker, Fran, which turns out badly:

"The Flash: That's right, fastest man alive! Hawkgirl: No wonder you can't get a date."
 * The episode Blind Ambition had a scene where we could hear Peter and Lois having sex with the sound of all the coins Peter has ingested jangling around inside him, which lasts about ten seconds.
 * Joked about in Justice League, much like the above old joke about Superman.

Web Comics

 * The punchline of this Xkcd strip.
 * And also the punchline of this one.
 * There's (at least) another xkcd example: the Alt Text of the one on the The Art of Bra Removal page.
 * Ménage à 3's Didi has had several boyfriends but never experienced an orgasm due to this trope. It happens to every guy who has sex with her, because of her supreme beauty.
 * Corbin from Plus EV can do it twice in five minutes!
 * In this Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal strip this happens due to God's different conception of time.
 * In this Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal strip this happens due to God's different conception of time.