Jessie/Funny

"Landlady: You people have a vicious, cold-blooded reptile living in this building?. Zuri: Why not? You live here."
 * This exchange between the landlady and Zuri in "The Talented Mr. Kipling":

"Jessie: All my boyfriends have to be at least 18. *looks at Mr. Kipling* And human. Emma: So Luke, you're 0 for 2."
 * Same episode:

"Ravi: Bertram, we have terrible news! Bertram: Your parents are having another kid? Ravi: No. You are going to get hurt doing the splits, choke on stuffing, and then get carried away by a dark, shadowy figure at 6:22 tomorrow! Bertram: You figured all that out by asking yes or no questions? Zuri: We asked a lot of questions. Bertram: Well, I have a prediction. An incredibly handsome man will tap-dance out of the kitchen! *tap dances out of kitchen and does a tongue expression*"
 * When Ravi gets a mystical eyeball app on his computer:

"Bertram: I'm not going to get hurt doing the splits. *slips on a banana peel, then lands in a split pose* Ow!
 * Later in the same ep:

Ravi: It said he would get hurt doing the splits, and he is doing the splits! (beat)

Zuri: And he was eating a banana split!

Ravi: A double split!

Bertram: Meanwhile, I'm splitting my pants!

Ravi and Zuri: A TRIPLE SPLIT!"

"Ravi: I guess a 3 dollar computer application cannot hold the answer to all of life's mysteries. Jessie: Yeah. *beat* Those cost 4.99!"
 * And at the end of the ep:

"Connie: Hey Luke! It's nanny Jessie! Yip-pi-ee kai-yay... ok fine, it's Connie."
 * One of Creepy Connie's voice mails:

"Emma: People are staring. And in New York, that's saying something."
 * When Jessie freaks out on the subway:

"Mrs. Chesterfield: Marla! Your friend is a terrible nanny! She couldn't take care of a bowl of sea monkeys. Jessie: Hey! I'll have you know that all of my sea monkeys died of natural causes! (Beat) ...And a thirsty cat."
 * When Jessie is making a film for her friend Darla:

"Zuri: The Great Ravi will see you now. Ravi: Luke. I have been expecting you. Luke: What is all this? Ravi: You have just entered my lair. Luke: Dude, it's the screening room. Ravi: True, but it doubles as my lair. Luke: Okay, isn't a lair usually underground- Ravi: I TELL YOU, IT IS A LAIR! Zuri: (whispers to Luke) Just go with it. Luke: Not the point. I need your help with my bad karma. Ravi: I will help you, but first... admit to me this is a lair."
 * From "Used Karma" cue Zuri escorting Luke into the screening room.

"Brody: How did you ever get to be a butler?
 * This line from "The Princess and the Pea Brain":

Bertram: Well, I wanted to be an obnoxious rich kid, but the job was filled."