Farscape/Funny

"Jool: In the short time I've known you, you've changed so much. Don't go backwards. Assassinating people? Seems like going backwards.
 * In the episode "Suns and Lovers," a religious fanatic stows away on the ship, using herself as a homing beacon for a space storm (don't ask.) She also happens to be stuck to a bulkhead, and is nondetachable in that state. Crichton, upon finding her, is completely unfazed, and while walking away notes that the bulkhead she is attached to is detachable. In a completely out of character moment, Pilot is shown cackling maniacally as he ejects her into space.
 * Pilot doesn't get to entertain himself very often; He savors it when he can, man.
 * In a largely dark and depressing season finale, Farscape gives us this moment; following an attack by a psychotic Leviathan, power has gone out all over Moya, leaving Aeryn to perform repairs on her Prowler in the dark and without power tools. Her only available assistant is Jool AKA She of the Sonic Scream. As if things couldn't get any worse for Aeryn, Jool is dispensing unwanted advice as she is trying to concentrate.

Aeryn: (Indicating a point in the prowler's engine) Can you melt that?

Jool: With what? There's no power yet.

(Aeryn turns around and sharply twists Jool's thumb; the resulting scream hits a sonic pitch, and the indicated point melts. Satisfied, Aeryn releases her.)

Aeryn: Thank you."

"Crichton: Look, Rygel is an obnoxious gas bag and who's gonna shell out for that?
 * The climax of "Throne For A Loss," in which Crichton has to convince a gang of mercenaries that holding Rygel hostage is pointless.

Rygel: He's right! I'm unloved, unwanted, unpopular-

(Bekhesh kicks Rygel viciously in the head.)

Rygel:... unconscious..."

"Crichton: Where's the you-know-what?
 * And upon Crichton's success:

Rygel: I knew you wouldn't come back just for me!

Crichton: What'd you do with it?

Rygel: (Nonchalant) It's safe and sound.

Crichton: Did you swallow it?

Rygel: Swallow it? Yes, yes, which means you're going to have to take me back as I am or disembowel me here!

Crichton: Don't you tempt me, Fluffy."

"Crichton: What the hell is this?
 * Finally, Crichton ending his day by collapsing... and landing on Rygel.
 * "Crackers Don't Matter." The parts of this episode that aren't Nightmare Fuel are hilarious, particularly when Crichton's getting prepared to fight the Monster of the Week. This begins with having a chunky green substance smeared over his face:

Zhaan: Heat-deflecting paste. You'll burn up in there without it.

Crichton: Smells like puke.

Zhaan: I pre-digested it to increase its potency.

Crichton: IT'S PUKE?!"

"Aeryn: We are going to die."
 * The conclusion to this segment: Crichton is now dressed in a pair of goggles that have been soaked in Zhaan's puke, a cloak made of light-reflecting tarpaulin, and a tyre-sized cloaking device hanging from his neck. For additional protection, he has been given D'Argo's qualta blade and a shield made from a section of Aeryn's prowler. There is a pause, and then Crichton, humming "The Ride Of The Valkyries," strikes a Heroic Pose: without changing her expression, Aeryn remarks,

"Crichton: They don't get how crazy they are.
 * Everyone's a bit off their rockers, but John starts hallucinating a hilarious version of Scorpius.

Scorpius: Of course, John. They don't get how crazy they are. Of course...it's 'cause they stole the crackers...hmmmmmm..."

"Neeyala: What I have done? It is you who have destroyed my life's endeavour whilst I have suffered your probing, your confusions and your smell! Do you not think that my bristles contain enough poison to dispatch you all? Yet, when I fail to overload what are clearly inferior intellects with a drist of needless information, you bring weapons to bear! Kill me if you will; see how you fare on your own!
 * "Nobody... has margaritas... with pizza."
 * Neeyala's breakdown when Zhaan blames her for everything that went wrong. So far Neeyala had been polite and calm even when threatened with a gun, but she just lost it -

(An uncomfortable pause.)

Aeryn: Do you feel better?"

"Pilot: If you've also come to tell me what a wonderful thing the Nebari are doing for you, I am not interested!
 * Aeryn being disarmed in the background during the Peacekeeper Wars. By the time they'd finished it looked like they'd taken half her bodyweight in concealed weaponry.
 * And in A Clockwork Nebari, Crichton has just been given a very thorough mind-cleansing that is apparently supposed to deprive him of negative emotions, and wanders into Pilot's den in a daze:

Crichton: No, Pilot... I'm here to tell you that the Nebari ARE A BUNCH OF GEEKS! And their damn mind-cleansing doesn't work on Momma Crichton's baby boy! John Crichton! Astronaut! Master of the universe!"

"Crichton: Oh Ryyyyyygel? Where are you my little huskyyyy? I have a stick for youuuu! (He whistles loudly) Where are ya booooooy?
 * Later on in the same episode, Crichton goes looking for a less-than-cooperative Rygel in one of the cargo holds- holding a very large metal pole:

(From a box on one of the shelves, a loud fart echoes. Crichton approaches it.)

Crichton: Oh my... eenie... meenie... miney... MOE!

(He shoves the box off its shelf, and forces it open, revealing a very nervous Rygel.)"

"Varla: What are you doing?
 * And Crichton pretending that the mind-cleansing was still working. Five words: New Age Retro Hippie, man.

Crichton: Oh, y'know Moya’s amnexus system is like, in flux, so I'm just sorta y'know, lookin' for the source.

Varla: Will that affect the safety and speed of this ship?

Crichton: Shyah! It'd totally screw the pooch, babe!

Varla: Very well, proceed. Thank you for your service.

Crichton: Kewl. It's for the greater good!"

"Rygel: I am nobody's puppet!"
 * And in the same episode, Rygel had the following line:

"Crais: [wearing police uniform and red high-heels] Freeze! You're under arrest. You have the right to the remains of a silent attorney! If you cannot afford one, tough noogies!. You can make one phone call, I recommend "Tracy", 976-555-LOVE. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you? Well do you, punk?!
 * From Won't Be Fooled Again, in which such moments are myriad:

Crichton: No!

Crais: ...Then I can't arrest you!"

"D'Argo/Gary Regal: (speaking in a suspiciously high voice)John, I really need to just unburden myself on you.
 * The funniest part?
 * From the same, a scene with D'Argo and Crichton, together in a car.

Crichton: What?

D'Argo/Gary Regal: Well, lately, I've been thinking about you in a very different way.

Crichton: Uh-huh.

D'Argo/Gary Regal: Mm-hm. And I was wondering if you would mind participating with me in a little Luxan bonding ritual. Here's the thing, okay? What we need are some chains...

Crichton: Mm-hmm.

D'Argo/Gary Regal: ...uh, my Qualta Blade, just a little squirt of lutra oil, and... oh! Chiana.

Crichton: Chiana?

D'Argo/Gary Regal: (giggling) Yeah. She wants to watch.

Crichton: Oh no.

D'Argo/Gary Regal: (in a deep voice) Oh yes."

"Zhaan/Dr. Kaminski: I can wear a freudian slip."
 * The entire episode is this trope, but these two moments arguably take the cake.
 * This troper's favorite line of the episode is:

"Aeryn/Nancy: (With "Hail To The Chief" playing in the background) Johnny, just say...
 * YMMV, but Rygel's sudden appearance framed by Crichton's legs and wearing the gimp suit had his troper literally rolling on the floor.
 * All the animated parts of "Revenging Angel": D'Argo is turned into a Butt Monkey,Aeryn does impressions,and what Crichton does with and to Harvey... *splorfle*.
 * Best part is when Cartoon-Aeryn is flipping through various pop culture women for Crichton's amusement. When John takes it too far (asking her to be Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct) she turns into a finger-waving Nancy Reagan:

Crichton: (Instantly) No!

Aeryn/Nancy: There's a good boy!"

"Crichton: I don't want to be like other people. I don't want to be like you. I don't want to stoop that low, Kirk wouldn't stoop that low.
 * Crichton and Scorpius' Shut UP Hannibal / Shut Up Kirk exchange from the end.

Scorpius: That was a television show, John. And he made Priceline commercials...."

"Crichton: (Wearily) Nice threads. Helps to humanize you. Makes it easier for me to sympathize with your problems.
 * "Unrealised Reality" gave us a funny and tension-easing moment after Crichton is trapped in a pocket dimension maintained by godlike aliens from another dimension and comes face to face with their well-dressed and black-eyed time-warping representative, Einstein:

(There is a pause, as they examine each other.)

Einstein: Time.

(No response. Einstein begins to move closer as the exchange continues.)

Einstein: Time.

Crichton: Zup?

Einstein: Time.

Crichton: Flies.

Einstein: Time.

Crichton: Bandits.

Einstein: Time.

Crichton: Wounds all heels.

Einstein: (Louder) Time...

Crichton: (Singing) Rosemary and-

Einstein: Time-

Crichton: Zup!

(He whips out his pulse pistol and fires- only to see the bolt stop just a few inches away from Einstein's face.)

Einstein: (Turning away) Time.

Crichton: (To himself) Either stop pointin' guns at people or get a bigger gun."

"Crichton: Alright, gimme the bad news first.
 * In part II of the episode "Look At The Princess," Crichton is about to be frozen into a statue for 80 years. D'Argo gives him a good news/bad news pep talk just before the freezing process:

D'Argo: The bad news is that you're married, and you must endure as a statue for 80 cycles in a strange world.

Crichton: So what's the good news?

D'Argo: (Deadpan) Chiana and I are having fantastic sex. (Crichton stares at him, then both start laughing)"

"Crichton: That's a damn nice set of body armor, does that come in blue? What the hell did you do when you left the fatherland? Steal the goose that lays the golden egg?
 * Sikozu at her snarkiest: "As stupid as you must think them, the Scarrans have managed to build one of the most extensive empires in the galaxy, in part - and I shall repeat this because it does not seem to sink in - by not advertising the location of their secret bases."
 * Scorpius used as an invincible human shield, and Crichton acknowledging the Foe Yay:

Scorpius: (Ruefully) Deserted my post.

Crichton: What? For little ol' me? It's amazing what a man will do when he's in love!"

"Crichton (to the bad guys): NOH! PAV'HOR! HERRUCH'T!
 * This troper hasn't seen the episode from this, but there is a monster on board Moya and John manages to get it out by going "Baaa" and taunting it. The highlight of this? Chrichton advertising his BUTT as "Grade A PRIME AMERICAN BEEF!!!"
 * Actually, this was another Leviathan (Elack), on which Crichton spent some time alone (not counting Elack's Pilot and DRD 1812), as we learn in the said episode, "Crichton Kicks".
 * In the same episode:

Sikozu: *Is VERY confused*

Crichton: You didn't get that one did you...'cause it's Klingon!"

"Aeryn: She gives me a woody. (Looks at an obviously disturbed Crichton.) What? It's a human saying. You say it all the time. When you don't trust someone or when you feel uncomfortable with a situation.
 * Season 1, episode 6, "Thank God It's Friday... Again." After meeting the local leader on Sykar, Aeryn has a very interesting comment.

Crichton, relieved: Willies. She gives you the willies."

"Crichton: Hey! You been screwin' me from the beginning!
 * Then again, the difference between a woody and a willy is only a matter of degree.
 * Aeryn's bright comment on a bad guy saying that John is insane. "I know, isn't it fun?"
 * No mention of "Thanks for Sharing?" Moya and company are seeking a medicinal compound for leviathans, and find a planet whose ruler is dying. The ruler's son has given the heroes no shortage of trouble and Crichton has finally had enough. He and D'argo storm the palace and exact a little justice:

D'argo: (blocking a guard) Ah-ah!

Crichton: (continuing) You've been screwing everybody, even been screwing your sister! (Pins him to a table with a gun to his head) You been lyin' to your daddy, boy, and you know you shouldn't lie to your daddy! That's gonna stop! Who's your daddy? ...C'mon, you know who your daddy is, who's your daddy? D'argo, tell him who his daddy is!

D'argo: I'm your daddy."

"Crichton: Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head!
 * In the same episode, the royal family employs a type of vaguely crustacean-looking alien symbiont as a living lie detector that, when placed on the head of an interrogation subject, will pick up on brain waves and kill them if they're not telling the truth (it does this by jamming a big, nasty-looking spiked tail right between their eyes). To get the king to believe him, Crichton,, walks over to the tank, picks the critter up, delivers his testimony followed by "That IS...the truth." and then unleashes a line that had me on the floor laughing.

Lie-Lobster: *noise that sounds halfway between a squeak and high-pitched giggling*"

"Doctor: Your problem is that you are not mollusks.
 * HUUUUMAAANSSS! AAAARRREEEEE! SSUUUUUPEEEERRRRRIIIIOOORRRR!!!!!!!!
 * From "Coup By Clam":

D'argo: That has never been a problem for us before."

"Jool: Everything I have seen so far is despicable!
 * At the end of "Self-Inflicted Wounds Part 2":

Crichton: Welcome to the Federation Star Ship U.S.S. Buttcrack!

(He slaps his backside.)"

"Zhaan: Where would we go, anyway?
 * In "The Ugly Truth," Moya's crew have ended up imprisoned on a "hubcap" suspended above empty space while the Plokavian judges interrogate them. It soon becomes clear that they can't escape:

Crichton: Sooner or later, one of us is going to have to find a bathroom.

(D'Argo laughs heartily, then sighs deeply.)

D'Argo: I really wish you hadn't said that."

"Crichton: (Passionately) Oh God! I missed you so much! God, I was so worried about you! (whispering) Play along.
 * When Aeryn returns from her interrogation, Crichton attempts to speak to her without the listening judges suspecting anything:

Aeryn: (Deadpan) I missed you too, John. Hold me."

"Pilot: (bewildered) I don't know what's wrong! I don't know what's happening to us!
 * In the first part of "Self-Inflicted Wounds," Moya ends up colliding with the Pathfinder vessel and tumbling into a wormhole. Understandably, Pilot is having a lot of trouble adapting to the stimuli- allowing for a very funny moment in a pretty dark episode:

D'Argo: All right, just calm down, Pilot, and tell us how you feel.

Pilot: Well, I feel-

(He suddenly groans loudly and pukes a thick stream of green vomit all over his console, Stark's unsuspecting face, and D'Argo's shirt. Both of them yelp in disgust and shock.)

D'Argo: I had no idea he could do that!

Stark: (revolted) I had no idea anyone  could do that!

Pilot: (delirious) I apologize... colors... lights... sensations... this region of space... I cannot function under the bombardments...

Stark: (looking as if he's about to puke) Can we isolate you from the stimuli?

Pilot: Ugggghhhh... Neural clusters... containment nexus circuitry...

D'Argo: Re-route it?

Pilot: Dis...

Stark: Buffer the leads?

Pilot: Dis...

D'Argo and Stark: WHAT?

Pilot: Disconnection!

(He vomits again, coating Stark and the console with more green puke.)"

"Crichton: Brave sir knight! I am King Arthur of Camelot! This is my loyal vassal, Patsy!
 * In the episode "Meltdown," gas leaked by Talyn takes everyone's prevailing traits and dials it up to eleven. Stark as usual tries to save someone by accidentally almost killing everyone and then goes catatonic, Crais becomes even more paranoid and controlling than normal, Rygel begins eating everything in sight (to the point he begs others to stop him), and John and Aeryn become incredibly horny for each other. For instance, when Aeryn enters a room John breaks off mid-sentence and says "Hey, baby, how you doin'?"
 * This troper found it especially funny when Crais demanded that Aeryn give him a gun, since he couldn't find his. (He was holding it the entire time.) She laughs at him and walks away.
 * "John Quixote." Rygel as The Black Knight.

Rygel: Bollocks! You're a pimped-out arrogant fleshy who wants to use my road, where none... shall... pass!"

"Yes, I know, this elevator sucks. My job su-su-sucks. Every day, the same-the same thing: Up. Down. Up. Down-down. Just once, just once, it'd be nice to go- sideways. Just-just... sideways..."
 * From the same episode, Crichton as Max Headroom turned elevator operator:

"John: (waving his finger in a circle) Hey, Stark! What's black and white and black and white and black and white?"
 * I find that a lot of the humor comes not necessarily from the lines themselves, but from their delivery. In particular, the two lines that I quote the most:
 * From one of the parts of "Liars, Guns, and Money," I believe the first part, John describing Scorpius to Stark:

"John: Lava. That's like thermal energy. Thermal energy is like kinetic energy. A rock has kinetic energy. Ergo, a rock will work."
 * And from "Lava's a Many Splendored Thing," John explains why Rock Beats Laser:

"Noranti: I am the flower, you are the bee! I am the pod, you are the pea! I am the target, you are the gun! I am the woman, you are the man!! (tears off top)
 * Oh. My. God. You bring up "Lava's a Many Splendored Thing" and fail to mention Noranti stripping? Evil, nasty troper!

Crichton: OH MY GOD!

D'argo: (Screams Like a Little Girl)"

"John: Eighty... Cycles. M-my college loans will be delinquent. I'll miss the strippers on my 100th birthday. I-I'll get a utility bill... for three trillion dollars for a single porch light that I left on AND EVERYBODY I KNOW WILL BE DEAD! [...] Humans do not live as long as Sebaceans, or Hynerians, or Delvians. When I get back, everyone, my Dad, DK, my sisters, Cameron Diaz, Buffy the Vampire Slayer will be dead!"
 * John's anxiety over being frozen as a statue for eighty years somehow manages to be both hilarious and saddening at once, thanks to the delivery of it:

"Pilot: It made him... dance?
 * Pretty much the whole episode "Out of Their Minds," particularly the early scenes where everyone is just completely freaked out at being in the wrong bodies ("It's the Three freaking Stooges! I'm hitting myself!") and John taking undue advantage of being in Aeryn's body, with Claudia Black's amazing impression of Ben Browder's laugh.
 * Scratch N' Sniff. The whole thing is Harpo Does Something Funny.

Crichton: She nailed him with Love Potion Number Nine!"

"Crichton: (Screams Like a Little Girl)"
 * The part where Crichton wakes up in a window without clothes.

"Rorf: What are you doing with that head?
 * Oh, he's got clothes. Well, fishnets, at least.
 * Liars, Guns, and Money: Rygel has finally succeeded in killing Durka, his former Peacekeeper tormentor, and has taken to carrying Durka's head on a pike as a trophy. This comes to a head (no pun intended) in the midst of an argument between Moya's crew and a group of bounty hunters they're hiring to rob the Uncharted Territories' equivalent of a mafia-run bank.

Rygel: He's an old enemy. (grinning with satisfaction) I like that he doesn't talk back."

"Jool: At least maybe now I won't die of shock. The bitch just shoved the arrow right through! She- (her eyes roll slightly.) Oh hello... Heska...
 * As part of a long-running game of Break the Haughty, Jool ends up getting shot in the arm with an arrow in "Different Destinations." Then one of the nurses is kind enough to give her an anasthetic, which she drinks with a very strange bubbling noise. And then...

Kelsa: (prodding Jool's bandaged arm) Do you feel this?

Jool: Nothing - (she slaps the wound in amazement) Look! This is great! I've got to get some of this to bring home! What is it?

(She starts drinking again)

Kelsa: One part water, nine parts fellip urine.

( Jool immediately spits out the mouthful of anasthetic.)

Jool: (Giggling drunkenly) You made me drink piss?!

D'Argo: (Hurrying over) Okay, Okay Jool! Let's get out of here, away from the children...

(As D'Argo drags her away, Jool starts blowing rasberries at the confused nurses.)"

"Chiana: Keep the comms open. I'm going out to look for them...
 * And later...

Jool: There's nothing there! It's all gone! Where are you gonna look?

Chiana: (annoyed) Hey, how's that arm going? Has the piss worn off?

Jool: (Inspecting her arm) Yes... Actually it's quite sore. Thanks for asking-

(Chiana brings her fist down on the wound, and Jool lets out a piercing wail.)"

"(Tocot is about to take a look at his brain) Just be sure he puts the KY on the glove.
 * Also there's the bit with the Western-ish harmonica background music and the gradual pan across to Harvey... who actually is playing the sad song on the harmonica, while wearing cowboy boots with the word "Andy" written on their soles.
 * Most of Kansas with the crew on Earth, in the 80s, misunderstandings including whether sugar is a narcotic, John's younger self losing his virginity to Chiana, and the very limited English they can use from Sesame Street
 * In "Die Me Dichotomy," when Diagnosan Tocot- whose language is too complicated for translator microbes- tries to inform Stark he needs to step away from the operating table. Stark, of course, doesn't understand, so the serene and kindly doctor resorts to prodding Stark violently in the chest to get him to move.
 * Crichton's deadpan commentary to Tocot's surgery.

(When the neural chip turns out to a massive network of roots digging into his brain) You're gonna tell me my health plan doesn't cover this, right?"

"Chiana: Pilot, you're high, okay?
 * D'Argo, Stark and Pilot getting stoned on the anaesthetic mist being used on Moya.

Pilot: I am no higher in life than I've even been; my position is fixed!"

"Jool: (to Crichton) Chiana's right, Aeryn's fine. I'm sure the other you has taken extra good care of her. I mean... all I meant was that I'm sure that he did everything that you would have done if you had been with Aeryn all this time..."
 * Jool's That Came Out Wrong moment in "Fractures", when Moya's crew are awaiting the return of Talyn's crew (and they don't yet know that the other Crichton has died):

"(Jool and Crais look at each other, stunned and grossed out)
 * From the same episode, the moment when the Boolite explodes, splattering Jool and Crais.

(Beat)

(both scream at the same time)"

"(Pilot is being possessed by Tallip)
 * This gem from "Losing Time":

Jool: (to D'Argo; panicked) Shoot him! Shoot him now! You're the warrior, shoot him now!

D'Argo: Alright, with what?! My nose?"

"D'Argo: Girls, we'll all sit down and watch John. Off we go...
 * From the same episode:

Chiana: What if I have to piss?

D'Argo: Well then, we will all urinate together.

Chiana: (almost too eagerly) You promise?

Jool: Ugh."

"Crichton: I gotta get outta here before I end up like you!
 * Many of the scenes on "Yellow" Moya in "Through the Looking Glass", given that it causes everyone inhabiting this dimension to dissolve into helpless fits of laughter and Rygel to start cracking jokes.

Rygel: What? Handsome with a great sexual prowess?"

"Cargn: As I interrogated your loving fiancé, what was going through your delicate little mind?
 * In "Look at the Princess: I Do, I Think" Cargn has just finished interrogating Prince Clavor, using his Scarran Heat Probe, before turning his attention to Jenavian, Clavor's fiancée:

Jena: (gasping) I was hoping... you wouldn't wear that... to our wedding!

(Cargn releases her and she collapses, vomiting)

Cargn: (shaking his head in disgust) Destiny’s couple, you are."

"Cargn: I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
 * The previous episode, "Look at the Princess: A Kiss is But a Kiss", features this exchange:

Aeryn: Yes, I've heard that about Scarrans."

"Jool: There. I woke him up. (she savagely yanks the syringe out) Now I hope he drops dead."
 * Earlier in the episode, there's D'Argo's dancing. Everyone else is swaying seductively (especially Chiana), but D'Argo? His dancing can best be described as "moshing".
 * In "Thanks For Sharing", Crais and Jool's introduction goes very, very badly. Crais, having immediately woken up from a coma, grabs the unfamiliar Jool by the throat, who, in response frantically grabs an enormous syringe, and slams it right into Crais' leg. When Crichton comes to see what all the commotion is about:

"Chiana: Let me ask you somethin'. You short-faced Scarrans - you all look alike, y'know? But uh - were you - Were you uh - down- down on the border station?
 * The moment in "We're So Screwed, Part II: Hot to Katratzi" where Chiana finds out - painfully - that Scarrens have Balls of Steel:

Jenek: Yes.

Chiana: Then you were the one that uh - that ordered Aeryn and me to be cut open? (Jenek nods) Yeah. I got another one for ya - do Scarrans have mivonks? (without waiting for an answer, she instantly knees Jenek in the groin... and collapses to the floor, clutching her knee in pain.)

Jenek: (as a fellow Scarren snorts with laughter nearby) Yes. But they're not external."