A Song of Ice and Fire/Funny

"Barbarian: How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?
 * Tyrion Lannister is practically a walking, drinking, wenching Crowning Moment of Funny.
 * "Tyrion found it disheartening to realize so many strangers were eager to kill him. Perhaps this had not been such a clever plan after all."

Tyrion: In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty."

"Tyrion: Were you fucking our dear Jaime?
 * The death of  in A Storm of Swords,
 * At one point, Eddard Stark thinks about Gregor Clegane, including the fact that dogs are afraid to enter his hall. By this point Summer, Grey Wind, and Shaggydog have kicked out all the dogs from Winterfell's hall.
 * "Cersei is a lying whore. She's been fucking Lancel and Osmund Kettleblack and probably Moon Boy for all I know."
 * Given the circumstances of the scene, definitely Dead Baby Comedy.
 * While its used as a horrible means of humiliation for Tyrion, the dwarf joust show is Actually Pretty Funny. It involves two dwarves riding a pig and a dog, exchanging colorful insults and getting confused about which mount belongs to which. In A Dance With Dragons, Tyrion meets Penny, one of the dwarf jousters, whose brother was killed because he resembled Tyrion. Penny complains that she had nowhere to go, she only knows how to mount comic joust shows and that needs two dwarves... Tyrion sees right through her intentions and refuses blatantly to participate.
 * In-story, the arrival of Stannis Baratheon to the conflict in A Clash of Kings. He arrives with a massive warship armada, against the outnumbered Lannisters... and goes straight to attack his brother. When hearing the news of this from Tyrion, Cersei remarks that she never would have thought that Robert was the smart brother. Despite their animosity at every other point, this cracks both Tyrion and Cersei up and they dance around the room, as both consider the circumstances/her remark Actually Pretty Funny.
 * Renly's completely deadpan reaction to Stannis confronting him and demanding that he recognize him as king. "No one wants you for their king. Sorry."
 * Cersei and Tyrion sit down to talk:

Cersei: *slap*

Tyrion: You think I'm as blind as our father? Altough it's pretty unfair that you open your legs for one brother, and not for the other.

Cersei: *SLAP*

Tyrion: Just kidding. I prefer a good whore. Never understood what he saw on you, apart from his own mirror.

Cersei: *SLAP*"

"He gave the boy a clout on the ear. "That's for enjoying this so much." And another, harder. "And that's for not warning me. Next time, grow a tongue.""
 * Theon shamelessly seduces a married woman, who turns out to be He's not pleased.
 * His reaction to his mute squire (who watched the whole thing) smirking at him is hilarious:

"Tyrion Lannister could not have been more astonished if Aegon the Conqueror had ridden in on a dragon, juggling lemon pies."
 * After Cersei heard some good news from Tyrion and in response kissed him on the cheek:

"*Gilligan Cut*
 * Actually, this was after Tyrion saw Cersei crying.
 * Bronn's ever more jaw-droppingly brazen rise to power.
 * To elaborate, Cersei arranges for Bronn to have an unfortunate accident with his underlings, Ser Balman and Lady Falyse.
 * There is a reason why this moment appears on the Crowning Moment of Awesome page as well as this one.
 * Jon breaks his oath and beds Ygritte. He swears upon himself that it won’t happen again.

It happened twice again that night and once in the morning."

"Dany: Viserys says he could sweep the Seven Kingdoms with ten thousand Dothraki screamers.
 * This exchange between Jorah and Dany in A Game of Thrones:

Jorah: *snort* Viserys couldn't sweep a stable with ten thousand brooms."

"Mormont: You might have done that on Snow instead of saving it for me."
 * "Jon shooed the raven off Longclaw. The bird hopped back to Mormont’s shoulder, where it promptly shat."

"Edd: I never win anything."
 * The Night Watch sets up straw dummies as bait for wildling arrows, and name them after different members. Pyp explains to Dolorous Edd that the straw man named for him had been leading the count until the last sortie, whereupon another "man" got three arrows to take the lead.

"Edd: Though I would sooner it were wine than water. There are worse ways to die than warm and drunk. I knew a brother drowned himself in wine once. It was a poor vintage, though, and his corpse did not improve it.
 * He continues by complaining that the man the winner was named for was lucky because he completely missed the rocks when he fell off the bridge with an axe in his head.
 * Dolorous Edd's dialogue, every word of it, can be considered a Crowning Moment of Funny personified.
 * When complaning about the cold and thinking of jumping into a pot of boiling water:

Jon: You drank the wine?

Edd: It's an awful thing to find a brother dead. You'd have need of a drink as well, Lord Snow."

"Dolorous Edd: I would just like to say to any who would vote for me that I would certainly make an awful Lord Commander. But so would all these other fools."
 * In A Storm of Swords, Pyp offers Edd's name as a joke nomination for Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, and is the only one to vote for him. When the contenders are asked to give their "platform speeches", as it were:


 * The next time the votes are counted, he has two.

"He's taken to his bed, in some discomfort. There are turtles swimming out his arse."
 * Tyrion challenges Haldon to a cyvasse game, having lost several times already, and Haldon says that the day Tyrion beats him is the day turtles swim out his arse. Cut to after the game, when someone asks when Haldon is:

"Bracken: I fear I did not hear your coming, my lord.
 * The only thing that makes that sweeter, is that it's implied Tyrion was deliberately giving him false confidence, since Tyrion offers to bet secrets right before the game.
 * The out of nowhere Shout Out to Monty Python and The Holy Grail in "A Dance with Dragons," where a member of the Windblown says true Unsullied "don't break and run if you fart in their general direction."
 * Jaime surprises Jonos Bracken in the middle of sex, and one of the darkest fantasy series ever briefly turns into a classical French farce. "And how fares your lady wife?"
 * Even funnier is Jaime's deadpan snark response to Bracken's greeting.

Jaime: And I fear I've interrupted yours."

""You are too skinny for him," Jhiqui was saying. "You are almost a boy. Rakharo does not bed with boys. This is known." Irri bristled back. "It is known that you are almost a cow. Rakharo does not bed with cows.""
 * The bit where Dany walks in on her handmaidens Irri and Jhiqui arguing about bloodrider Rakharo while the scribe Missandei just sits there reading a scroll, totally uninterested.

"Jaime: Come on, let's see who's home (*opens door and finds a crossbow in his face)
 * When Jaime, Cleos Frey and Brienne are journeying away from Riverrun, and they come across an inn. Also doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome for Jaime Lannister:

Crossbowman: Lion, Wolf or Fish?

Jaime: We'd hoped for capon."

"Crossbowman: Why are you on the run?
 * Later on in the conversation:

Jaime: Killed some crossbowmen."

"Big Bucket Will: "Up in the hills we say that autumn kisses you, but winter fucks you hard. This is only autumn's kiss.""
 * Later on during their journey, there's another double one when the party's attacked by outlaw archers. Jaime rides straight at them to scatter them and is halfway there before it occurs to him that "the wench had better follow before they realise they're being charged by an unarmed man in chains".
 * When Ser Corliss Penny wonders aloud whether an entire army has ever frozen to death in a winter storm, it only serves to make the Northmen present burst out in laughter.

"“His elk?” said Bran, wonderstruck.
 * Hodor often livens up Bran chapters, aided by Martin's narration. Standouts include the line " 'Hodor', Hodor said doubtfully" and when Bran tells him to stop hodoring.
 * There's also this gem in a conversation about Coldhands:

“His elk?” said Meera, startled.

“His ravens?” said Jojen.

“Hodor?” said Hodor."

"Catelyn Stark: A man chained in hand and foot should keep a more courteous tongue in his mouth. I did not come here to be threatened.
 * It's not really funny that he gets beaten up badly for it, but after Theon takes Winterfell, he makes a speech to everyone there and basically asks if anyone has objections to his being in charge now. Hodor angrily shouts out "Hodorhodorhodor!"
 * Jaime's relentless trolling (there's no other word for it, really) of Cat Stark when she interrogates him in Riverrun:

Jaime Lannister: No? Then surely it was to have your pleasure of me? They say widows grow weary of their empty beds. We of the Kingsguard vow never to wed, but I suppose I could still service you if that's what you need. Pour us some of that wine and slip out of that gown and we'll see if I'm still up to it."

""Five thousand is an insult!" Tyrion called out. "I joust. I sing. I say amusing things. I'll fuck your wife and make her scream. Or your enemy's wife if you prefer, what better way to shame him? I'm murder with a crossbow, and men three times my size quail and tremble when we meet across a cyvasse table. I have been known to cook from time to time. I bid ten thousand silvers for myself! I'm good for it, I am, I am. My father told me I must always pay my debts.""
 * At the end of A Clash of Kings, the victors/survivors of the Battle of the Blackwater are being honored, the Lannisters and the court are in their finery, and Tywin enters in all his magnificence to greet Joffrey... and then his horse shits on the carpet in front of Joffrey and Joffrey has to step around it to greet him. The spirit of the event was kind of ruined there.
 * Even better, while the victors were being rewarded and the captives were punished or forced to bend the knee, Joffrey cuts himself on the Iron Throne and runs crying out of the throne room. Tywin takes over as if nothing had happened.
 * In A Storm of Swords, Joffrey calls Lord Tywin a coward. Tywin and Kevan send him to bed without any supper, and drug him so he will sleep and not disturb them.
 * Tyrion, bidding on himself, when he is being auctioned off, as a slave:

"Euron’s gifts were poisoned, the captain had reminded himself the day the dusky woman came aboard. I want none of his leavings. He had decided then that he would slit her throat and toss her into the sea, a blood sacrifice to the Drowned God. Somehow, though, he had never gotten around to it."
 * Victarion Greyjoy's interesting priorities:

"Quentyn: You'd know this if you bothered to read the book Maester Kedry gave you.
 * Arya meets the Kindly Man, the apparent head of the Faceless Men and asks him if he can teach her to change her face. He tells her to puff her cheeks and stick out her tongue, and when she does, tells her, "There, your face has changed."
 * Oberyn Martell talks to Tyrion about his Dead Little Sister Elia and says that he was as close to her as Jaime is to Cersei. Tyrion thinks to himself, "Gods, I hope not". A quite funny moment in an otherwise sad scene.
 * In the category for "so squicky it's hilarious", the award has go to go to the scene where Jaime has semi-consensual sex with Cersei next to the  their child-by-incest, and Cersei was menstruating a the time.
 * Roose Bolton shows his Faux Affably Evil to the full when after having a injuries treated and serving her a nice meal, he casually gives Brienne back to the Brave Companions, telling her that she'd better worry less about Starks and more about Sapphires. Despicable, but funny.
 * Incidentally, the earlier Sapphires scene itself is pretty funny. Jaime gets Vargo Hoat to stop the Brave Companions from raping and/or killing Brienne by falsely telling Hoat that Sapphire Island, Brienne's birthplace, is named for the fortune in sapphires there, which Brienne's father would pay as ransom. Later, Jaime tells Brienne that part of the reason he thought of that particular lie is because he wanted to hear Hoat say sapphires with his Thpeech Impediment.
 * In a nice bit of Black Comedy in AFFC, Cercei's bounty on Tyrion's head results in several unscrupulous individuals murdering random dwarfs and at least one child. After the umpteenth wrong head being brought to her, Cersei angrily asks Lady Merryweather just how many dwarfs could there possibly be. Lady Merryweather replies, "Fewer than there were before."
 * Quentyn Martell and Gerris Drinkwater's banter.

Gerris: It didn't have pictures."

"Pyp: The night is dark and full of turnips. Let us pray for venison, my children, with some onions and a bit of tasty gravy."
 * Pyp mocking Melisandre at dinner, thereby making the men of the Night's Watch chortle.

"Alebelly was the only one who paid the warning any heed. He went to talk to Jojen himself, and afterward stopped bathing and refused to go near the well. Finally he stank so bad that six of the other guards threw him into a tub of scalding water and scrubbed him raw while he screamed that they were going to drown him like the frogboy had said. Thereafter he scowled whenever he saw Bran or Jojen about the castle, and muttered under his breath."
 * During a Clash of Kings, Jojen has a prophetic dream about Winterfell flooded by the sea and several of its inhabitants drowning, a metaphor for  Only one guard believes it, and well...

"Under the sea
 * Patchface's ramblings about life underwater suddenly become much funnier when you remember a famous song...

Under the sea

Nobody invade us

Sack us and rape us

With impunity

We think the royal folks all suck

Under the sea we off their Mooks

We got no troubles

Life is the bubbles

Under the sea

Under the sea

Since the Drowned God rules over here

We don't hear the Rains of Castamere

Naturally

Even the Mountain an' the Hound

They start playing all day round

No sign of Others

No one shall bother

Under the sea"

"The priest lowered his cowl. Beneath he had no face; only a yellowed skull with a few scraps of skin still clinging to the cheeks, and a white worm wriggling from one empty eye socket. "Kiss me, child," he croaked, in a voice as dry and husky as a death rattle."
 * Arya and the kindly man get one in the house of black and white.

"Arya: Lommy, you keep Weasel here.
 * She proceeds to
 * Arya's advice to Lommy Greenhands when he expresses his fear of being eaten by wolves. His constant talk of yielding to Ser Amory Lorch instead of having fought and lost annoys their little band to no end. And so...

Lommy: What if the wolves come?

Arya: Yield."

"[Hot Pie]: "Pia says she saw something in the buttery."
 * In A Feast For Crows, Jaime attempts to follow in his father's footsteps, and intimidate Edmure Tully by having a minstrel play "The Rains of Castamere". Edmure reacts appropriately (Jaime actually thinks it's an over-reaction), but rather than being spooked by the song, which is usually the case, Edmure demonstrates Skewed Priorities, as his reaction is because the minstrel Jaime had play it once wrote a derisive song about Edmure being unable to get it up.
 * There's also Dramatic Irony value in that the audience knows that the minstrel in question, Tom O'Sevens, belongs to a group of outlaws who are alies of the Tullys/Starks and hate the Lannisters, and it's implied from some of Tom's comments that Jaime just moved up his position on the "going to get hanged" list.
 * While Theon's chapters in A Dance With Dragons aren't exactly a laugh riot, there's a funny line in the middle of one of the chapters, where he's thinking about camp followers euphemistically called "washerwomen". "... Some of them even did some washing."
 * Likewise:

Pia was often seeing things in the buttery. Usually they were men."

""We shall strive to make up in drunkenness what we lack in oarsmen. I for one am equal to the task.""
 * From a group of mummers trying to put on Seven Drunken Oarsmen after two of their troupers have left:

""Though mayhaps this was a blessing. Had he lived he would have grown up to be a Frey.""
 * The whole concept of Skagos is kind of funny. Unicorns are typically associated with the most idealistic of fantasy, which makes it amusing (and typical of the series) that the location where unicorns are found is a Place Worse Than Death the thought of which scares even jaded Westerosi. Also, the few details about unicorns shown so far, suggest they aren't the friendliest of creatures.
 * made even funnier with the Speculation that Ned's mother was maybe from there
 * Also from A Dance with Dragons, Wyman Manderly's denies having ordered the murder of Little Walder Frey and retorts to his accuser, also a Frey:

""I have become oddly fond of my fat little wife.""
 * Arya describing her group participating in combat- " "In his chainmail shirt with a sword in his hand, Gendry looked almost a man grown, and dangerous. Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie."
 * Stannis' put down to Jon in A Dance With Dragons- “You haggle like a crone with a codfish, Lord Snow. Did Ned Stark father you on some fishwife?”
 * Rather dark humour, but just after Jon executes Janos Slynt, Olaf asks if he can have Slynt's boots.
 * Roose Bolton's most lighthearted line:

"Sansa: I don't want someone brave, gentle, and strong! I want him!""
 * The entirety of Sansa's dinner with Margaery and her family members, where Margaery and her grandmother try to find out what Joffrey is really like, all while Butterbumps, the Tyrell family's fool sings "The Bear and the Maiden Fair" at increasingly ridiculous volumes.
 * Sansa's proclamation that she wants to marry Joffrey.

"Catelyn: Why would Petyr lie to me?
 * Tyrion defending himself against Catelyn's accusations on the way to the Vale leads to this exchange:

Tyrion: Why does a bear shit in the woods?"


 * During their negotiations, Renly reaches inside his coat. Stannis and everyone around him thinks that he's pulling a weapon... he has a peach, which he offers to Stannis. Made even funnier after, when Stannis is still trying to figure out what the peach represented.