Swallowed Whole/Quotes

"''"You are just begin to settle in for the long journey down Dirt Road, when you hear the faintest of sounds in the darkened recesses of this lame ass bowel.... Poor fellow. He is obviously new to this whole "being eaten" thing. You can see right away that he's made several rookie mistakes. First of all, you never let them chew on you if it can be avoided. And you certainly don't get eaten alive unless you're a member of a nigh-invulnerable race of cowardly midgets. That's just common sense."''"

- Narration for Grope, Epicsplosion, discovering a less fortunate victim of the arena beast

"Note: As any intrepid, digestive-tract-spelunking adventurer can tell you, the occasions upon which you'll find intact skeletal structures behind the maw of something large enough to swallow you whole are few and far between, and the skeletons you do find will likely be well on their way to dissolution. Other rarities include breathable atmosphere, and a liquid medium that isn't actively trying to dissolve you along with any of the skeletal structures you may have brought with you on the trip. Those planning a belly-of-the-beast expedition would do well to ponder the last words of the legendary leviaphant hunter Ephrib Mairomuft: "Oh, this IS caustic. Wow. I should have slathered on a bit more oint--""

- Schlock Mercenary, 2013 October 13