Modern Family/Funny

"OnStar Operator: Sir, please tell your wife to calm down. Everything will be okay.
 * The pilot has the sequence with the BB gun.
 * Cameron introducing Lily to the family, a la The Lion King with 'The Circle of Life' blasting (right after Mitchell has argued with his father's referring to Cam as "overdramatic").
 * Two Words. "What's Jagermeister?"
 * "You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation."
 * The whole intercutting of the ADHD discussion between Alex and Claire and Phil's actions in the garage.
 * The end of "Not In My House", with Jay and Barkley the dog butler. The entire episode seems to be a set-up for that one joke, but it is COMPLETELY worth the effort.
 * "It's a dog and a butler!"
 * Mitchell's first time at Costco. "What IS this place!?" accompanied by a look of epiphany.
 * "I'm like Costco. I'm big, I ain't fancy and I dare you not to love me."
 * Several in "Hawaii", including Manny and Luke's rooming together, and the whole "Lily in the elevator" segment.
 * The latter being followed by "Don't worry, I used to lose Manny all the time."
 * Luke: I had bread, I had cheese, and I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?
 * Here is the clip advertising Modern Family that was shown at the Emmys. While its not canon and breaks the fourth wall, it still hits the characterization and tone of the series perfectly. And its hilarious.
 * Cam and Mitchell accidentally locking Lily in the car.

Mitchell: That's a man.

OnStar Operator: Really?"

""I'm trapped in the men's room and all I have on is a Spider-man costume!" "Hot! Who is this?""
 * Luke and Dunphy Towers. "There's no fire escapes, they cut corners! I'll cut your corners!"
 * Everything about Mitch and Cam's interview at Billingsley.
 * "Lesbians! In a wheelchair!"
 * "Yesterday's lazy cures today's crazy." And pretty much the rest of that subplot.

"Luke: (to Claire) You call the cops, I'll order a pizza. Let's see who arrives first."
 * Mitchell's antics in general. First the pigeon thing, then the Princess Castle thing, then the Spider-Man thing...
 * "Halloween" Gloria angrily speaking in a bad American accent after Jay makes fun of being hard to understand. Especially funny when she participates in Claire's haunted house "Welcome to your nightmare! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
 * After Claire tells her dad to make sure he doesn't forget the fog cue: "this whole thing is a colossal fog cue".
 * Cam turning to Mitchell and saying, "Wow. You just made figure skating sound even gayer." From a straight character, it'd be perhaps a little off-color. Coming from Cam who has N Word Privileges, it works.
 * Cam fighting with Barry (James Marsden) in Lily's pink backyard castle in the he finds out he's been living in there and not the upstairs apartment.
 * Luke's method of teaching Gloria how to ride a bike.
 * And then applying that method to Haley's studying. "Teacher of the year" indeed.
 * Same episode as above, Luke's lack of faith in the police.

"Luke: Whatever they were doing, I think dad was winning.
 * Phil and Claire walking straight into a clearly labeled non-exit door after calling each other "Doctor" and "Professor."
 * Phil and Claire's kids walking in on them while they were having sex...in the "doggy-style" position.
 * Even funnier is Luke's reaction:

(Hayley looks horrified) "

"Manny: Keep this up, and this won't be the last plug I pull on you."
 * Catching Jay singing karaoke, Manny pulls the plug on the machine and waves it threateningly at him.

"Manny: COWARD!"
 * Even funnier is how he reacts to Jay's lack of action earlier in the episode.

"WE LOVE THE F WORD"
 * From The Musical Man, there's the sequence at the end of the school play

"I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes."
 * Also, the harness jamming and Luke becoming stuck in mid-air.

""I can't be satisfied!""
 * Phil's ad on the car.

"(the Dunphy kids are sitting on a rock waiting for their mom)
 * In the recent "Mother's Day" episode, Luke talking about coyotes attacking them on their hike, and he'll protect them with a popsicle stick he sharpened that smells like lemon-lime, because that's a flavor coyotes hate.

Luke: Did you know more people have died hiking than in the entire Civil War?

Alex: Okay, what book did you get this information from?

Luke: Book? Wake up and smell the internet, grandma."

"Haley: You'll be a social piranha!
 * From See You Next Fall:

Alex: Yes, I will be an Amazonian carnivorous fish!"

"Luke: Dad, I'm going to teach myself how to juggle.
 * From Someone to Watch Over Lilly:

Phil: (as he attempts to put out a kitchen fire) Good for you, buddy.

(Luke grabs the block of kitchen knives. Cameron grabs them and Mitchell replaces them with a bowl of fruit as Luke walks out.)"

"Phil: No. The Blind Side is the black kid who played tight end.
 * Lily is aged to being able to talk, and the first thing we hear her talk about at any length is wanting to kill her prospective new brother.
 * Claire trying to have a serious conversation with her daughters, as the sounds of Phil falling off a tightrope keep interrupting.
 * This little clip from when the family is talking about The Blind Side:

Alex: Offensive line.

Phil: Sorry. African American kid."

"Luke: Is that one of those helicopters with the camera that you can control with your phone?!
 * The traffic video Phil and Luke made.
 * And Phil getting hit on the face with a basketball right after the vid.
 * Cam "sleep-clowning."
 * Mitchell asking Lily if she wanted a princess hat, then spraying shaving cream all over her head.
 * Gloria buys a helicopter for a boy who's house burned down.

Manny: Isn't that the one I asked for?

Gloria: Well when your house burn down you can have one. (Beat) Don't burn your house down."

"Jay: What did you said you ordered?
 * Gloria ordering a box of baby cheeses for Jay.

Gloria:I told you! A box of baby cheeses!

Jay: *Pulls out a figurine of Baby Jesus from the box*"

"Claire: Oh, thank God, here comes Phil with the butterball!
 * From "Express Christmas

Manny: I have a name!"

"'You all gained up on me like when the Wolfman, Frankenstein, & Dracula show up in the same movie, except it wasn't awesome!"
 * For the record, she was referring to a turkey.
 * Phil's Stupid Statement Dance Mix about how much he loves sleeping with his wife. "Some sick bastard autotuned me."
 * Betty Luke.
 * Manny tries to invoke All Girls Want Bad Boys by driving Cameron's car past a girl he likes. Then he comes to a dead end, and since he doesn't know how to turn the car around, he has to sheepishly drive it backwards past her again.
 * Gloria: "There are blind models? That's so sad! They can not see how pretty they are!"
 * Phil freaking out that Claire, Alex and Haley are all PM Sing on the same day.

"Mitch: I don't know sports. I'm a fan of musical theater.
 * The Little Fizbo bit in the episode Send Out the Clowns. Be prepared to not breath for a bit, it's that gut-bustingly funny.
 * Jay argues with a neighbor whose dog keeps crapping in his yard. The guy says he never complained about Jay's parrot. Cue a montage showing Gloria shouting "Jay!".
 * Starving Mitch crying about Snorkles the sea lion.

Cam: Surprise!"


 * Cam's zombie-like interview after having to stay up all night consoling Lily on losing one of her toys.
 * From the Disneyland episode, the whole "Lily on a leash" arc--first Lily barking, then Jay ordering her to heel, then Lily getting tangled up with another leash kid (named Rex!), then Lily running after Chip and Dale (Cam: "And now she's chasing squirrels."
 * Also from Disneyland: Dylan's time in costume as Little John.
 * The whole family arguing through clenched smiles while imitating a Norman Rockwell painting.
 * Mitchell, Cam go to the hospital where the baby they want to adopt is being born and witness a Real Life "Telenovela"(Spanish Soap Opera) with Gloria translating for them what's going on. Turns into a Tear Jerker when.