Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!/Quotes

Dads [1.1]
Announcer: And now, the only married news team in the tri-county area, Jan and Wayne Skylar! With Special news correspondent, Dr. Steve Brule. 'Dr. Steve Brule: 'I'm not ready. I'm not ready yet. Jan and Wayne Skylar (singing): Princess grew up little Wayne Skylar: Back to you Steve. Jan Skylar: Someone tell him we're live. Steve, back to you. Wayne Skylar: Steve Brule! Dr. Steve Brule: I'm sorry. Jan. I'm not ready. We don't have the fruit.

Slop [1.6]
Tragg (played by Fred Willard): Slop in the morning, slop in the evening, slop for supper time. Slop 'till ya' drop, kids!

Abstinence [1.7]
Cinco Banking System: Do you live in a hole or a boat?

Eric Wareheim: Neither.

Cinco Banking System: Okay, I didn't get that. I think you chose BOAT. Is that right?

Eric Wareheim: No!

Cinco Banking System: Okay. Let's move on. Is your BOAT a C-Class Licensed Boat or is your boat used for commercial fishing?

Cinco Banking System: Okay. I think you've chosen COMMERCIAL FISHING. Now I'm going to need your boat's name.

Eric Wareheim: What is going on here?

Cinco Banking System: Okay. I think you've said: TAARGUS. Is this correct?

Eric Wareheim: What?? No!!

Cinco Banking System: Just to make sure I've gotten all the information correct, I'm going to need to confirm a few more things.

Eric Wareheim: Hello?? I need some help please....

Cinco Banking System: You new name is: ERIC TAARGUS. Is this correct?

Cinco Banking System: Okay. I'll go ahead and make that change.

Cinco Banking System: Great. I've made the change. Your wife's new legal name is: TAARGUS TAARGUS. Is this okay?

Eric Wareheim: No!!!!!

Cinco Banking System: Great. We're sending her the following VHS tape. You've chosen: PIZZA BOY.

Eric Wareheim: Excuse me! My wife can't get this in the mail...

Anniversary [1.8]
Grum [Singing]: I like crackers and snacks, crackers and snacks, crackers and snacks. I like crackers and snacks, crackers and snacks, crackers and snaaaacks.

Vacation [2.2]
Eric: You look like a man I could be a best friend with

Tim: "It took a lotta guts"

Raz: "Shells on the neck, shells on the wrist / Now string 'em all up / Get the shells on the ankles / Underwater camera, disposable camera!"

Dad's Off [2.3]
Tim Heidecker: "You're a great son, probably one of the best."

Dolls [2.4]

 * Palmer Scott:
 * This is what I do,
 * This is what I do.
 * This is what I do, I sit on you.

Forest [2.6]
Tairy Greene: Shhh...   SHUT UP! It's time for snuggle...

Carol [2.7]
Mr. Henderson: "How many breakfasts did you have this morning?"

Carol: "Just the one, sir."

Mr. Henderson: "Looks like you had about 4 or 5, lookin like a burrito this morning."

Mr. Henderson: "Lar, whaddya say, poke or no poke?

Larry: "Definitely no poke."

Mr. Henderson: "Hear that Carol? No one wants to do ya, you're a waste."

Innernette [2.9]
Jeff Goldblum (Advertising for the Jeffgoldbluman Group): It's a sizzler. Please watch.

Molly: This is magnificent, James.

David Cross (as James, creator of PussyDoodles): Why thank you, Molly.

Molly: Love what you've done with the colors-

James [covering Molly's mouth with his hand]: SHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh! Don't tell anyone. It's just my Pussy-Dooo'les.

Eric Wareheim: "Wait a second Tim, what about all my e-worms and e-mail viruses?"

Embarrassed [2.11]
Cinco Voiceover: If D'ump detects a Bear in the area, it just shuts down! ''[Two young boys stare at their D'ump contraption for an estranged period of time. D'ump is entirely unresponsive.]'' Boy: DAD! BEAR! Eric Wareheim [pointing at a naked baby picture of Tim]: ..Hey, Who's this? Tim Heidecker [Blushing a bit]: Yeah, well that's my mom. So- Eric Wareheim: Yeah, but what's this. [Points at Tim's small wiener in the picture] Tim Heidecker [Glowing Red]: ...That's my Penis. Eric Wareheim: For one thing, Tim was an average sized man. Dr. Steve Brule: (inebriated) That's our Show! (pulls cloth off the table, spilling all of the wine)

Rascals [3.4]
Eric Wareheim: You killed my RASCAL! Tim Heidecker [Sobbing, turning away]: NO I DIDN'T!

C.O.R.B.S. [3.6]
Tan Man: "Me, me, I'm a tan man and a boatman."

Jim and Derrick [3.7]

 * Jim Heckler: You've been bonged!

Jazz [3.8]
Eric: Because kids do  not like jazz-

Tim: Nor should they

Tim: ONE TWO THREE FAYY

Larry [3.10]
(Larry opens fire on Mr. Henderson; Carol takes the bullet and slumps to the ground)

Mr. Henderson: Ya blew it.

Snow [4.1]
The episode opens to a typical 1980s sitcom format. Tim and Eric are singing the lyrics to the show. They are as follows: "Life is strange, You don't need a woman to tell you, And though we fly on the wings of change, You know we're together for good."

The show was created by J. Allen Griz. Executive Producers are: J. Allen Griz, Brayne Varner and Corby Tender.

Universe [4.3]
Eric: I do this every night with your son. (credits roll)

Road Trip [4.4]
Tim Heidecker [Driving van, talking via Phone]: Pack up your things, Buddy. We're goin' on a lil' road Trip. Eric Wareheim [Smiling]: Road Trip. Tim Heidecker: Mhm Heh heh, Road trip! Eric Wareheim: Road Trip! Tim Heidecker[Screaming]: ROAD TRIP! Eric Wareheim: Roooaadd trip! [Packs his Suitcase] Reewdtraap! Reewdtraaap! Rooooaaaaddd Triiiiip!

Tommy [4.5]
Tim Heidecker: When Tommy said we were going to be working with THE Jessica Alba, my eyes lit up in the back of my head. I said, "J..Jesc'a Alba? I.. I'm a fan of Jesssc'a Alba."

Origins [4.6]
Eric Wareheim:"You know what, Tim, there's already a site e-zoos.biz....I'm sorry."

Presidents [4.7]
Tim Heidecker: Premium? More like CREAMULUM. Tim Heidecker: Rick Wareheimer wears a straw hat at home in his house - he goes outside without the hat, but if you seem in his house he does wear a small straw hat.

Hair [4.8]
Tim Heidecker: I hope you don't wear that bigafric'n haaaaaii.

Eric Wareheim: Ihopeidon'twearthat bigafricannnhaaaiii?

Tim Heidecker: You SWEAR you're not gonna wear that big African hat?

Eric Wareheim (Leans close to Tim's ear) : I'M NOT GONNA WEAR MY BIG AFRICAN HAT TO YOUR PARTY!

Tim Heidecker: ...Alright, you're comin'.

Brothers Cinco [4.9]
i no clean. im not clean

"I KILLED MY WIFE!!! I KILLED MY WIFE!!!"

Eric Wareheim [3.12]
"Oh my god, I can't wait."

"I hate these old men."

"Reginald."

Casey Tatum
"Hamburgers and hot dogs too. I want to have a barbecue."

"My pep pep told me not to talk to strangers."

"I want to go on a horse and buggy ride."

Pat Dudley
"We got a show to do! Can I get a Dudley Dip? Let's go for the double dip, we can do it!"

Carol
"That's my dream, sir."

"Get in shape."

Mr. Henderson
"You look good enough for a poke."

"D'YOU MEAN, WHAT? YOU JUST WACKED HER IN THE HEAD WITH A COFFEE POT! I loved her, alright? Ya blew it. Kapeesh?"

Ron Austar
"Now think about your dad! What's your dad like? I wanna meet that dad!"

"Can't stop thinking about your dad. It just feels so right, children. You're going to give me your dad's e-mail address. I can't wait to meet your pep-pep."

The Mahanahan Brothers
Mike Mahanahan: I love you Steve! Steve Mahanahan: I love you Mike! Mike Mahanahan: I love you Steve! I wish you the best! Steve Mahanahan: ....I love you Mike. Mike Mahanahan:' Have ya' ever seen a child clown without shoes? It's DISGUSTING!

Krunk
"You ever seen a leg like this?"

The Great Gregory
"And now, the rabbit in the hat, circa 2004!"

James Quall

 * [Impersonating Bill Cosby] "Kids say the darndest things, like... spaghetti and meatballs."


 * "Spaghetti and meat balls."