Never Heard That One Before/Quotes

"''You probably get that a lot

I'll bet that people say that a lot while you,

Are sarcastically lip-syncing along

To words they felt were spoken spontaneously''"

- They Might Be Giants, "You Probably Get That A Lot"

""I'm a private detective."

"Oh?" said Kate in surprise, and then looked puzzled.

"Does that bother you?"

"It's just that I have a friend who plays the double bass."

"I see," said Dirk.

"Whenever people meet him and he's struggling around with it, they all say the same thing, and it drives him crazy. They all say, 'I bet you wished you played the piccolo.' Nobody ever works out that that's what everybody else says. I was just trying to work out if there was something that everybody would always say to a private detective so that I could avoid saying it."

"No. What happens is that everybody looks very shifty for a moment, and you got that very well.""

- Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul

"Kevyn: Gav! How are you? Err... Wow. I hope the convention doesn't vote on anything. You can cast a plurality all by yourself.

Gav: Hey, cool! Clone humor!

Gav: It's going to be a long weekend.

Gav: More Guinness to the front! Somebody sounds stressed out, and I think it's a me!"

- Schlock Mercenary

"If a joke immediately pops into your head after three seconds' worth of pondering, assume it will occur to many, many people as well, and a large fraction of them will probably make it in other pages. Result: unfunny repetition."

- Uncyclopedia, "How to be Funny and Not Just Stupid"

"Harvey Birdman: My client, a private investigator.

Mentok: Colloquially known as...?

Harvey Birdman: Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe?

Inch-High, Private Eye: He wants you to say 'dick'.

Mentok: Which would make you an...?

Inch-High, Private Eye: [sighs] Inch. High. Dick."

- Harvey Birdman Attorney At Law

"“So let us be clear with one another, Admiral. I have one life, not nine. I have never been killed by curiosity, my parents do not live in a cat house, my mother did not rock me as an infant in a cat's cradle, the preferred Caitian method of self-defence is not cat-boxing, I do not deposit my earnings into a kitty, if I am trying to be delicate about a subject I do not pussyfoot around - shall I go on?”"

- M'Ress, Star Trek New Frontier

"Security Guard: Is that a dildo in your pocket?

Lucy: No! I'm just happy to see you!

Security Guard: I've heard that one. Every shoplifter uses that joke!"

- Lucy the Daughter of The Devil learns what not to say when caught stealing sex toys

"Martha: It's bigger on the inside!

Doctor: Is it? I hadn't noticed."

- Doctor Who

"The Revenant: I suppose this is the point where I tell you that you won't get away with this?

Dr. Irons: And a parting cliché to you too."

- PS 238