Television Is Trying to Kill Us

"People will wait to call the EMS because the EMS providers will insist on interrupting the game to get information. Grandpa will be just fine for another hour and a half because (and I quote) "those neurosurgeons can just turn him back on, you know, like in that movie?""

- A medic trying to remain sane

Fiction is not reality. While fiction rarely shows the negative consequences of a trope, reality is not as forgiving. Every trope here can have serious if not fatal repercussions in reality if they are played straight. These may originate as a case of Reality Is Unrealistic. See also Do Not Try This At Home. The result of doing something on this index may well be a Darwin Award.

This is an index. A description of why a trope fits here is fine but examples should go on the respective trope pages. Try not to add 300 additional bullet points if it can be helped.

Tropes:

 * Adults Are Useless: There's a reason why most modern children's shows emphasize authority figures.
 * Aerosol Flamethrower: Runs a danger of overheating and exploding, or burning yourself.
 * Ass Shove: Shoving things into your bum at high speed is not safe for your anus or rectum, and some objects can "get lost," which always requires an often embarrassing trip to the emergency room.
 * All Animals Are Domesticated: No, pandas are not "cute and cuddly" and will maul your ass like any bear would if you get too close. Same for many other animals - even some "domesticated" animals can be dangerous if approached in the wrong way, and wild or stray animals should be left alone.
 * Almost-Lethal Weapons: There is no such thing as a "nonlethal" weapon, by definition. Weapons are not toys.
 * Annoying Arrows: Arrows have been used for thousands of years because they kill people. Most especially, do not pull an arrow out, lest you bleed to death.
 * Booze Flamethrower: Slightly less dangerous than the Aerosol Flamethrower above, but don't do this unless you're a trained performer.
 * British Royal Guards: As that page will clearly tell you, mocking the guys who are dressed funny carrying assault rifles with fixed bayonets, will get you in a lot more trouble in real life than it will in fiction.
 * Bulletproof Human Shield: Just because a bullet hits the guy in front of you doesn't mean it won't hit you as well.
 * Can-Crushing Cranium: Slamming an object into your head is never a good idea.
 * Chainsaw Good: Rule of Cool aside, chainsaws are not intended to be used as weapons and are as likely to kill you as the guy you're aiming at or break and jam.
 * Choke Holds: While not quite as bad as a Tap on the Head, chokes can still be fatal or cause permanent injury.
 * Concealment Equals Cover: Don't assume that the wooden door, fence, interior wall, or car body you're behind will protect you from bullets. It won't.
 * Convection, Schmonvection: Being near a fire, a lava pool, a hot oven, a nuclear or conventional explosion, or some other source of radiant heat can be just as deadly or injurious as being in it.
 * Cool, Clear Water: Just because water is clear doesn't mean it is safe to drink. It may have lethal chemicals, organisms, or be lethally hot.
 * Cool Pet: Keeping a pet bear, tiger, cobra, ape, etc., is often an extreme strain for both owner and pet, and exceedingly dangerous.
 * Couldn't Find a Lighter: Fire spreads incredibly quickly and is often dangerously hot outside the flame itself.
 * CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable: CPR in real life rarely revives the patient and can often injure them and is physically intensive for the person doing it. It is used to extend the opportunity for professional medical care (which should be summoned first) to arrive before serious irreversible brain damage occurs. However in a medical emergency, CPR can improve survival chances and also improve the chances of avoiding serious brain damage should the patient survive. As detecting a pulse or lack thereof can be difficult for a layman in a high stress situation the general rule is to start CPR if the victim is not breathing. There is debate as to whether untrained persons should do chest compressions only or combined compressions and breaths.
 * Do Not Touch the Funnel Cloud: The visible part of the tornado is merely the center. The tornado proper extends quite far away from the funnel cloud, to the point where you must distance yourself quite a bit from it if you don't want to subject yourself to winds sometimes in excess of 200 miles per hour.
 * Electric Slide: Touching a high-tension power line will kill or severely injure you, rubber gloves or not. . Technicians working on these require special equipment for a reason.
 * Every Car Is a Pinto: In real life, it is extremely rare for a car to explode following an accident, or even to catch fire at all. Because of this trope, bystanders have pulled accident victims from cars with unneeded zeal and caused further injuries.
 * Farts on Fire: You can incur severe burns on your anus and genitals doing this if it goes wrong.
 * Fingertip Drug Analysis: Don't taste the mysterious substance if you don't want to get poisoned.
 * Grievous Bottley Harm: Breaking a bottle almost always causes injury to the person trying to make a weapon out of it.
 * Hard Head: Any head injury should be treated immediately, regardless of how the patient feels 'fine'.
 * Harmless Electrocution: Electrocution is almost never harmless.
 * Harmless Freezing: Hypothermia and frostbite are not harmless.
 * Heroic Fire Rescue: Running into a burning building is more likely to kill you than make you a hero per the trope.
 * Herbivores Are Friendly: Herbivores, especially the larger ones, are in fact some of the most aggressive and territorial animals and will kill you even when unprovoked.
 * Hollywood Fire: It's not the fire that usually kills, it's the smoke. Also, fire creates incredibly hot temperatures within seconds, and within one to two minutes something can be fully engulfed, unlike in the movies.
 * Hollywood Heart Attack: The Hollywood portrayal of a heart attack has caused many people to mistake or outright ignore the symptoms for them in real life.
 * Improvised Zipline: Real ziplines take a while to construct and require specific, strong materials so they don't break.
 * Intoxication Ensues/Mushroom Samba: Drugs are not toys nor prank items. Spiking someone's food or drink with a mind-altering substance is both dangerous and illegal, not funny - and it will almost certainly lead to a bad experience for the victim.
 * Jammed Seatbelts: Seatbelts and shoulder belts do jam occasionally (or worse, melt), but nowhere near as often as they do on TV or in the movies, and fear of this causes people to not wear them and instead go headfirst through a windshield.
 * Law of Inverse Recoil: If you don't account for recoil, you WILL lose control of your gun and shoot off-target - maybe even someone.
 * Laxative Prank: This is, in fact, a criminal offense in most jurisdictions, and a particularly dangerous one as the victim can become dangerously dehydrated.
 * Magic Plastic Surgery: Real plastic surgery causes scarring and requires extensive and painful recovery time, things they don't show you on TV. Also, it's surgery, and invasive surgery at that.
 * Missing Backblast: Firing a rocket launcher or a recoilless rifle in an enclosed space will kill the person firing it and those around him or her.
 * No Medication for Me: Going off your meds unless recommended by a certified doctor isn't advised, especially if you're mentally ill.
 * Non-Fatal Explosions: Real Life explosions kill and injure. If people aren't killed or injured in one, it is solely due to luck.
 * Not the Fall That Kills You: It's not, all right. It's the sudden stop at the end, regardless of where you land or how (if) you break the fall.
 * One-Man Army: There's a reason why most military organizations emphasize teamwork, and why police call for backup.
 * Only a Flesh Wound: Injuries that don't involve vital organs and are left untreated can still result in death from blood loss, infection, or permanent debilitation, and they leave permanent scarring.
 * Only Bad Guys Call Their Lawyers: Always call a lawyer if you're accused of anything with consequences above a citation. On a related note, if your country allows silence as a right, use that right until/unless your lawyer advises you otherwise.
 * Outside Ride: Being on the outside of a moving car or train is likely to result in injury or death. Being on the outside of a moving aircraft is certain death.
 * Put Down Your Gun and Step Away: There's nothing stopping the hostage-taker from shooting you, let alone the hostage.
 * Shot to the Heart: If your patient is going into shock, DO NOT, under any circumstances, jam a syringe of epinephrine into his heart.
 * Soft Glass: Normal glass can be far harder than you'd think, and breaks with nasty sharp edges besides. More often, it does not break and will injure you.
 * Soft Water: A fall into water may cause less injury than hitting solid ground, but it will still be lethal from a significant height, resulting in similar crush injuries.
 * STD Immunity: Always use a fresh new condom if you aren't with a monogamous partner. Disease transmission can also occur through open sores and other skin lesions, plus saliva.
 * Suck Out the Poison: Trying to suck the poison out of a snakebite wound is highly ineffective in almost every case, and will often increase the victim's risk of infection and the first-aider's risk of poisoning.
 * Tap on the Head: A blow to the head is more likely to kill or lead to long term injury than temporary unconsciousness. At best, you'll get a concussion.
 * Trash Landing: Glass and sharp objects are commonly found in garbage bins. Safer than concrete or glass, but only should be attempted, as the page says, if the alternative is certain death.
 * Underside Ride: Even more likely to result in death or injury than Outside Ride above - being run over by the car or other cars or torn up on the road and/or things on the car.
 * Variable Terminal Velocity: All things fall at the same speed, regardless of mass, weight, or other factors save for air resistance. Don't jump after someone who's fallen off a ledge hoping to save their life; you'll die without any chance of success!
 * Worst Aid: If all you know about first aid is what you've seen on TV, you are not the best person to administer it.
 * You Can Panic Now: Where moral panic goes, sometimes deaths and injuries follow.