Seanbaby



What happens when you mix a fratboy with a nerd.

Sean Riley, better known as Seanbaby, is a Caustic Critic currently writing for Cracked.com and Electronic Gaming Monthly. He is famous for his Web site, seanbaby.com, mostly for his old video game reviews, making fun of the old Superfriends cartoon series, his collection of the Hostess Cupcake/Twinkies ad comics and MSTing all of it. He was also a writer on The Adventures Of Chico And Guapo and wrote the dialogue for UFC Undisputed 2010 and WWE SmackDown vs. RAW 2011. He's also designing Calculords, a math-based scifi strategy game for the iPhone.

"Crispin Boyer: Seanbaby, I'm pretty sure Phil Collins is straight. Seanbaby: Then why does he always, at every time, have forty to fifty dicks in his mouth? Crispin: You don't know the context."
 * Accentuate the Negative
 * Occasionally averted. For instance, there's his list of irreplaceable comedy performances, designed as a tribute to Leslie Nielsen and actually praising the people listed.
 * Alternate Character Interpretation: Popsicle Pete as an Eldritch Abomination.
 * And some obscure comic book character who traipsed around punching everybody without provocation - reborn as The Punchmaster!
 * Nobody questions the Punchmaster! *PUNCH!*
 * According to him, Green Lantern uses his powers for much less heroic purposes.
 * If you ever see cops in a comic book, chances are one of them will be Dick Whiskey: Drunk Cop, accompanied by his equally drunk partner O'Malley.
 * He's insisted, across multiple media, that Phil Collins is gay:
 * He's insisted, across multiple media, that Phil Collins is gay:

"Seanbaby: I learned how to throw a tomahawk before I learned how to throw a football, which was ridiculous since if we were involved in a ranged altercation, there weren't enough people in the state of Oregon to soak up my family's ammunition supply. My folks used to turn off the electricity on weekends to prepare us for a life of self-sustained everything. I had so many knives and spears stashed in tree forts that my version of Home Alone would have been rated NC-17, and my parents thought that was rad. I should have made it clear earlier that when I said, "In the country, all your neighbors are insane," I was mostly talking to the people living next to me."
 * Anime Hair: He has a very special hairstyle.
 * Arcadia: He was raised on a farm, and he goes out of his way in a Cracked article to dispel the illusion that country life is nothing but fresh air, cute animals and friendly, simple folks. It's actually full of mean, stupid animals that defecate on everything and paranoid, gun-wielding psychopaths.
 * Badass Biker: In its heyday, the network G4 had a panda mascot named Po-ken. One of the promos had Seanbaby playing "Biker Billy", a boss from Po-ken's (fictional) game, beating up Po-ken in a forest.
 * Badass Boast: He's the man who invented being funny on the Internet.
 * Berserk Button: He seems to be Driven to Madness by the "romantic" advice laid out in books written by one Gregory J.P. Godek.
 * Boisterous Bruiser
 * Broke the Rating Scale:He often invents rating systems for his Cracked articles to explain certain aspects of the works he's dealing with. This dates back to EGM, where he refused to rate a certain game with a number and instead gave it a troll riding a hot dog.
 * Call Back: It's common for him to reference some of his old jokes, and many of them are so subtle that only his most dedicated readers will catch them. For example, one of Dick Whiskey's cop buddies is a guy named Fisketti, who first appeared in Seanbaby's article about the Rainbow Rider. The phrase "A real hot dog" is first noted by Seanbaby in his review for "Mr. T's Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool", and shows up again in a Kick-To-The-Groin comic he made for one Probe article about videogame violence.
 * Caustic Critic: One of the original online game critics.
 * Did Not Do the Research: In his "Top 20 Worst NES Games", he includes the Fist of the North Star NES game at No. 10. However, it's pretty obvious from his description and the screenshots he provides that he simply downloaded a ROM of the first Hokuto no Ken Famicom game, which was released only in Japan (the NES Fist of the North Star was actually a localization of Hokuto no Ken 2 for the Japanese Famicom, which is nowhere near as bad, but still pretty mediocre). He also describes the NES version of Renegade (his No. 16 choice) as "A game that definitely needed to be made. There just weren't any other games involving guys walking around and fighting bad guys on the street", despite the fact that Renegade (even the NES version) predated Double Dragon and was for all intents and purpose the first game ever "involving guys walking around and fighting bad guys on the street."
 * In Seanbaby's defense, the list was written back in the late 90's, well before the internet developed a cottage industry of people who actually cared about things like factual accuracy in hilarious articles about shitty video games.
 * Genius Bruiser
 * Hilariously Abusive Childhood:


 * Mistaken for Gay: Must have been the leather pants and fancy haircut.
 * Noodle Implements: He likes to talk about these. One in particular involved a sexual position that needed lube that glowed in the dark and kills sharks.
 * Red Baron: "The Man who Invented Being Funny on The Internet. "Try to Fit That on A Business Card.
 * Small Name, Big Ego: Not Seanbaby himself, but some interesting characters have come out of the woodwork after finding Seanbaby's articles:
 * Mike Arkin, who worked on the NES Total Recall game. Threatened to sue and/or shoot Seanbaby over his review of the game.
 * Mark Discordia, who wrote to Nintendo Power during the 90s at the age of 32. After Seanbaby mocked the letter, Mark had several exchanges with Sean, during which he made escalating boasts of his sex life, salary, and drug use.
 * The whole point of 8 Douchebags Who Found This Article By Googling Themselves.
 * Uwe Boll, who challenged Sean to a boxing match after Sean wrote a scathing review of one of his movies. After it was revealed to Boll that Sean practices Muay Thai and was a full head taller than him(whereas the previous reviewers Boll had faced were thin, gangly, and rather short), Boll promptly backed down.
 * The Rival: He's developed a red-hot hatred toward Gregory J.P. Godek, an author who has written several books that are lists of romantic things to do with your lover (Example, 10,000 Ways to Say I Love You.) He has spent several articles completely eviscerating his books.
 * Wall of Text: His style of humor can get pretty wordy- he often constructs complex scenarios to set up a punchline. One of his EGM editors once complained to him that his writing was like a house of cards, where removing one sentence makes the whole article fall apart.
 * You Gotta Have Blue Hair: Or red hair, or red AND blue hair. As long as it's spiked, it's all good.
 * And for his spectacular homemade 4 July fireworks articles? Ayup: Red, white and blue hair!