Harry Potter (novel)/WMG/Relationship Theories

Everyone Is Bi
Except Dumbledore, and 4 other characters of your choosing. Now kindly shut the fuck up.

Harry will eventually become a BDSM enthusiast
Ron's tea-leaf prediction in The Prisoner of Azkaban, ("You're going to suffer...but you're going to be happy about it") is meant to foreshadow this. At some point in Harry and Ginny's relationship, Ginny will discover her inner Dominatrix and Harry will embrace his submissive side. There's probably fanfic of this already. If not...you're welcome.

Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are homosexual lovers.
There are plenty of romantic and sexual subtext in Sirius' and Remus' relationship in the books to make it possible. There's Lupin's staunch refusal at first to accept Nymphadora Tonks' affections for him because she possibly couldn't handle him during the full moon (despite being an Auror). It's established in Prisoner of Azkaban that Sirius, James Potter, and Wormtail became animagi to watch over Lupin when he "wolfs out", knowing that he's not a danger to animals in that state; Sirius changes into a large black dog, the animal out of the three who would most easily to calm down the werewolf Lupin. (Dogs are descended from wolves, right?) Tonks is only a metamorphomagus (she can only change aspects of her human appearance to that of another human), her shapeshifting power wouldn't be of much use against a lycanthrope Lupin.
 * Stag/Doe, Wolf/Dog...
 * Jossed. We know Sirius isn't gay because he has posters of hot bikini women in his room. If he was gay, he'd have no reason to put those up.
 * Maybe he's bisexual. Oh, wait...
 * Maybe he was just trying to fit in.
 * The girly posters are inconclusive. One of the Village People had Playboy centerfolds on display in his dorm room.
 * In the real world, this would hold up. In the fictional world, these details are only included if they have a purpose. JKR would have no reason to misdirect the readers on this topic since she has a canonly gay character . Therefore, the girly posters would have been included to represent Sirius' interests, not as an irrelevant detail.
 * They were of Muggle women. Perhaps he only put them up to upset his parents. It was an avocation of his...
 * But wouldn't pictures of Muggle men bother his parents more?
 * Pictures of men might have forced him to run away earlier than he did. It's all for fanfiction to decide.
 * Two explanations for that: a) his parents managed to destroy his male posters before he could put the Permanent Sticking Charm on them, or b) posters of men possibly wouldn't have bothered his parents as much because if he was straight and got married/had kids, he'd be passing the Black name on, and therefore maybe they would be comforted by the idea of him being gay, so at least his 'blood traitor ways' wouldn't be passed onto to a new generation of Blacks. And, since Sirius loved being rebellious, he would have put up whichever posters he thought would anger his parents the most, regardless of actual orientation.
 * Maybe Harry didn't realize that those Muggles were Madonna, Kylie and Tina Turner ... fab-u-lous!
 * Also, the Village People had only one or two gay members. The Indian and maybe one other.
 * Also recall little moments in Order of the Phoenix, such as giving Harry a joint Christmas present. The movies play on this a little bit, too.
 * It was probably for financial reasons. Lupin can't get a job so has to watch every penny. Sirius being a runway convict and an outcast from his family could only access money he had hidden away in the house from when he was sixteen.
 * Chocolate would have been a meaningful, and cheap, optional present from Lupin, and Sirius was able to buy that firebolt for Harry. Remember, he's reckless as all get out, so he wouldn't refrain from doing something like that just because it was a profoundly bad idea. The joint gift doesn't prove they're lovers, but it doesn't disprove anything either. * "A little bit"? There's a scene near the beginning of the film of The Order of the Phoenix where they're seen getting very cozy with each other very casually in front of the whole Order. There's some papers laid out on a table, and if I recall correctly, Sirius is sitting at a chair looking at them, and Lupin is kind of leaning against his back to look at them. It's not much, but it's also not the sort of thing a bloke just does with one of his friends.
 * When you have two middle-aged men who've been close friends since they were eleven, I have a lot of trouble believing any "you just don't do this" argument short of actual buggery or the like. Especially when it's a move you can easily do without thinking about it (I've found myself leaning on people or similar when I was paying attention to something else) or it meaning anything.
 * the end this explains all that.
 * They picked the wrong target for Sirius. Remus was his only friend, so of course they stayed together. James, on the other hand... the bloke's been dead for 12-14 years, and he can't even say his name without getting teary-eyed!
 * Sirius (inadvertently) caused the death of his best friend. Take the tears as proof of romantic interest if you like (any ship in a storm!), but guilt and all that are canon reasons enough for how Sirius acts over James/Harry. Sirius and James being best friends also didn't stop James from going after Lily anymore than Harry and Ron were blind to anyone but each other.
 * Nothing indicates that it would have been mutual, though. And it's one thing to feel bad for your best friend's death, and another to elevate him to some sort of saint, like Sirius does. If you compare that to how he interacts with Remus, James is surely the better choice of the two.
 * That's veering into plain old preferring one pairing over the other. Hey, whatever works for you, both are total fanon. Sirius's fixation on James is way overplayed in fandom in any case, as though it'd somehow convince people to stop shipping Sirius/Remus.
 * This troper thinks Sirius was in love with James for this reason, almost above any other reason: Sirius completely ignored the girls trying to get his attention in favor of silently communicating with James. This is a fifteen-year-old boy, and even Harry and Ron started noticing and getting distracting by girls by fifteen. And Sirius is far more popular than Harry and Ron were. I considered it odd, and incredibly adorable. Sirius-in-love-with-James also makes a good parallel for, and I see a LOT of parallels between those two as it is.
 * The comparison between Sirius and  is valid, in my opinion. They way they think of their lost friends seem almost identical, both putting the memories of them onto pedestals and failing to seek new relationships, romantic or platonic, because of the belief that no one else could compare. This sounds like love to me, and not necessarily a healthy love, but certainly the kind of feelings that blur the line between platonic and romantic love.
 * The Marauders were an adolescent buggery club, hardly unknown in British public schools. Prongs' nickname refers to his unusually large endowment, Moony's to his love of getting his bum out. Wormtail's nickname refers to his comparative lack of girth, which is why he turned to the dark side: jealousy of James Potter's member.
 * "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." - oh dear.
 * I shudder to think what they would find in the Room of Requirement...
 * So then Sirius has a foot fetish?
 * So we're going to ignore that they probably wouldn't have come up with those names until after the other three could transform? Seems like oddly specific names for nicknames that would come before the transformations.
 * The only problem with this one is that it was stated in the books that Sirius and James were best friends: 'you never saw one without the other' and all that.
 * I always thought that they way they embrace in Prisoner of Azkaban actually disproves this. If they were lovers who hadn't seen each other in thirteen years (and Lupin just found out Sirius was innocent too) wouldn't they have kissed each other, not just "embraced like brothers"?
 * There were children in the room. The welcome they wanted to take was inappropriate.
 * Since when is kissing in front of children inappropriate?
 * Not that it's what Jo meant, but it's not exactly uncommon to refer to lovers in brother/sister terms (especially if you've just been reading up on ancient marriage ceremonies and have just been left thoroughly cross-eyed from the experience). Alternately, a kiss between old friends who parted on terms they deeply regretted wouldn't have to be proof that they were lovers.
 * This Troper notices that many of the arguments against the ship are based in the idea that for Remus and Sirius to be lovers, it has to be a healthy relationship. (It doesn't). There are a great deal of reasons to believe that Sirius and Remus could not have been in a healthy, fluffy, well-adjusted relationship. But that doesn't mean that they can't have been lovers, they just would have been the damaged, self-destructive kind of lovers that don't lend themselves well to fluffy fanfic.
 * If this theory is true, it might explain why Remus got into a relationship with Tonks. She would be the only Black left who he could have a relationship with. Also, being a metamorphmagus, she could make herself look like Sirius.
 * Serious Squick.
 * This is only the beginning of Tonks's Power Perversion Potential.
 * I concur completely. In POA, there's a throwaway line where Sirius mentions a time where he didn't entirely trust Remus. What must've happened to plant the seeds of doubt in Sirius' mind? I imagine their relationships starting out fairly well before gradually deteriorating due to the stress of the First Wizarding War.

Ginny has Single-Target Sexuality.
C'mon, how many teenage girls stay in love with the same guy they became infatuated with when they were eleven, even though he didn't reciprocate for about four years, and then end up with him and remain Happily Married into at least her thirties? Clearly, Ginny's sex drive can be satisfied by Harry and Harry alone.
 * What about Michael and Dean? Unlike Ron and Hermione, Ginny's not the type to intentionally hook up with someone to make someone else jealous; she obviously had to have some feelings (or made herself believe she had feelings) for them.
 * By that point, she had probably resigned herself to the fact that she wasn't going to get Harry (or so she thought) and decided to try some other people; she ultimately found that they didn't interest her.
 * Hermione actually explains that she encouraged Ginny to seek other romantic interests. While Ginny dated these boys, Hermione's input on the situation actually encourages this WMG. Hermione believed Ginny should 'get over' Harry by dating other boys, but in the end Ginny dumps every boy she dates (some of them for quite trivial reasons) and ends up with the boy she was in love with all along. Dating other boys does not necessarily mean she was trying to make Harry jealous nor does it mean she ever stopped being in love with Harry, it only means she was exploring other options. This does not in itself imply ulterior or impure motives. It only means she did not want to limit herself by committing ONLY to a boy who may or may not return her feelings. When he does return them, it just plays into feelings she's had from the beginning. It's obvious she didn't fall out of love with him and then back in love again; the other boys were merely an attempt to find other boys she might end up loving rather than the Tonks method of behaving as though there is no other option and turning into an inconsolable mess until that boy reacts favorably to her advances.
 * You know what? I'd like to see a fanfic where Hermione encouraged Ginny to see other boys because she's a Yandere who wants Harry for herself. Nice little reversal of the usual Fandom Specific Plot.
 * You can not tell me such fan fics dont exist in their hundreds. Go forth and search young man!

Grindelwald was straight.
They're two of the most powerful wizards of all time, so they were more likely practicing spells together than "practicing spells together". UST could account for Dumbledore and Grindelwald taking opposite sides so vehemently, and really, it's just better to imagine the following dialogue as part of their Final Showdown: "Albus Brian: You said you'd always love me! Gellert: I didn't know you meant physically!"


 * That could be the real reason for the duel that killed poor Ariana. I can imagine that kind of confession, especially in The Thirties or whenever it happened would make Gellert flip out and try to fry his BFF in his (Albus') home.
 * Easily! Alternately, Grindelwald had caught on to his friend's affections, but as long as they were in the background, and unspoken, it was just another bond between them, y'know? Except Dumbledore decides to confess love, not just attraction, expecting sympathy, and it freaks Gellert the hell out. Aberforth enters the fray and gets Crucio'd.
 * This WMG makes a fair bit of sense, actually. Many young men "fool around" with each other even though they are straight. It has nothing whatsoever to do with actual final sexuality, but men who end up heterosexual are usually VERY uncomfortable talking about it. They could have had a physical relationship that soured once emotions came in - Gellert figuring he doesn't know anyone in the area, so who was going to know he was physical - then when Albus professed his love, Gellert freaked.

JK Rowling (or her daughter) is a Beast Boy/Terra shipper
In her updates on the characters she has Luna, a slightly mysterious chick with long blond hair and huge blue eyes marry a guy with a massive interest in animals, the son (grandson?) of Fantastic Creatures author Newt Scarmander.
 * Luna's eyes aren't blue they are grey. In the books they are always described as "silvery grey" because the moon is silvery grey. People used to associate the full moon with madness hence the term "lunatic", hence why JKR named her loony character "Luna". There may be rare occurrences where the moon appears bluish, but nowhere in the books is the color blue mentioned in correlation with Luna's eyes. Yet every fanfic I've read describes them as such. Not all blondes have blue eyes.

Harry Potter is a rapechild.
Sort of. Lily Evans did not like James Potter. James Potter was quite obviously an absolute jerk who had a creepy obsession with Lily. For example, he doodled her initials on his exam. James slipped Lily a love potion, married her and concieved a child with her. You'll notice this mirrors Tom Marvolo Riddle's circumstances. However, unlike Tom Riddle Sr, Lily couldn't run away when the potion had worn off and chose to stay, feigning happiness in a loveless marriage because she didn't want to be a single mother. In fact, it's possible that James never stopped giving her the potion. This connects Harry and Voldemort even more, further proving that it is our choices, and not our abilities, that make us who we are.
 * There are two problems with this one: First, Rowling said that Voldemort was incapable of loving because he was conceived with the use of a love potion (which was also lampshaded by Slughorn in the sixth book when he reminded the students that a potion couldn't create real love). Second, it makes Lily look like a stupid, weak little girl who couldn't defend or take care of herself and couldn't let herself be happy, which is totally contrary to everything Rowling has ever told us about Lily.
 * "a stupid, weak little girl who couldn't defend or take care of herself"?! I like the smell of victim-blaming in the morning...
 * JKR said that the fact Voldy came from a loveless union is SYMBOLIC of the fact that he can't love, not a direct consequence.
 * It's a bit of a jump from "doodled her initials" to "drugged and raped her" don't you think?
 * Well apparently, Harry doesn't think it too much of a stretch. After seeing the memory of James bullying Snape in the Pensieve, he wonders if James forced Lily into marrying him once or twice. I mean, I don't think this theory is all that plausible, but I'm just saying.
 * an absolute jerk who had a creepy obsession with Lily fits Snape more than it does James, let's be real. Besides, it's said that James eventurally grows out of his behaviour. Snape on the other hand...
 * Definitely Jossed

The House Elves put contraceptives in all the food
You get a bunch of hormonal teenagers in a castle with very little supervision, yet no accidents.
 * Not to mention all the prefects share a private bathroom... that actually makes perfect sense.
 * And that bathroom has a large pool/jacuzzi.../bathtub...
 * Or it could just be another of the many enchantments on the school.
 * THANK YOU!

The reason why Snape hates Hermione in Canon is...
...Because She reminds him of Lily, with the way that she's smart and so on. However, Lily is dead- and Snape feels as though Hermione is "trying" to take Lily's place. The fact that she's best friends with Harry who looks like James can't help much, nor does the fact she's a muggle-born inexplicably sorted into Gryffindor instead of Ravenclaw.

He has no idea that Harry and Hermione aren't together that way, from Snape's point of view, James and Lily are happening all over again, a version of James is dragging down a version of Lily. And he can't even say anything about it, it would be horribly inappropriate for him to meddle in student's relationships like that, or show any interest in their relationship at all.

So he just punishes her harshly whenever she has anything to do with him, hoping she will take the hint and stop dating that horrible showoff and bully, James, er, Harry Potter.

James Potter is not Harry Potter's father.
Lily Potter nee Evans had someone else's kid, either as a result of rape (Death of the Author, people), an affair that Potter didn't hold against Lily or Harry and may even have encouraged, or because Potter couldn't or didn't want to have biological children. They used a Morphic Resonance spell to make Harry look like James with Lily's eyes as he grew up and lied to almost everyone so he wouldn't have to grow up with the stigmatism of being a legally illegitimate child and, if the first scenario is the case, wouldn't remind Lily and James of the guy that raped Lily. Since Voldemort (through the messed-up killing curse, I both assume and really, really hope that it wasn't through actual genetics) gave Harry more of an inheritance than James, it really doesn't affect the plot much, but it does explain why Lamarck Was Right regarding their hair.
 * Why are so many people fixated on the idea of Lily being raped? It boggles the mind.
 * Rule 34, or else it's a bunch of Snapefen still upset that Lily chose James over their Sevvie-poo.
 * Jossed

Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin were homosexual lovers.
Canon says that the reason Salazar Slytherin left the school was that the other three founders wanted to take in muggle-borns, whom he mistrusted, and that it ultimately lead to a fight with Godric Gryffindor with the result of Salazar leaving. Maybe Salazar mistrusted muggle-borns, not only because of the muggle world's view on witchcraft, but also because of their view on homosexuality at that point in time. If he and Godric were lovers, and Godric - being more open-minded and trusting towards muggles than Salazar was - decided to take Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw's side in the disagreement, then the fight between Godric and Salazar was more of a lover's quarrel than anything else. Salazar could never forgive his lover for not siding with him and thus left, and Godric himself could never forgive Salazar for leaving, and therefore neither of them ever made an effort to reconciliate with the other. Over time both of them became bitter at the thought of the other, and this made its way down in history, and is the reason why there still is so much animosity between Slytherin and Gryffindor, even though both houses have little or no difficulty getting along with Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff.
 * The trouble with this theory is that "homosexuality" wasn't understood as a sexual orientation back then. Homosexual sex was seen as something you did, rather than homosexuality being something you were. Even if Slytherin and Gryffindor were lovers they wouldn't have thought of themselves as being gay.
 * That doesn't really matter, though. Whether or not they thought of themselves as being gay, they were still lovers, and the muggles would still have been less than pleased about it.
 * Maybe not in the Muggle world, Wizards could have had a different view.
 * The only other problem is that both Slytherin and (I think) Gryffindor are mentioned in the books as having descendants... Although I guess they could have been bi.
 * They wouldn't have necessarily had to be bisexual, either. Being married or having children would have been expected at the time, maybe even arranged marriages for them, and they may have seen it as a duty to their family. Even today it's not at all unheard of for people to marry and have children before coming out, because they are attempting to live a 'normal' life and fulfill what they see as familial responsibility, or as an act of self-denial for religious reasons. If they were gay, in that era they would not have come out at all, and would probably have married and reproduced for the same reasons homosexuals sometimes do it today. It's also not necessary that they would have been monogamous with their female partners, even if married they could still have been lovers. The act of sex is possible with people one isn't attracted to, even consensual sex.

Godric Griffindor was a huge Casanova.
Slytherin just thought that the safety of wizardkind was a bit more important than a four threesome, and Gryffindor didn't.

Snape and Lily had sex sometime before their falling-out.
Think of it this way: While Lily would never have liked being called a "Mudblood", she should have given a little more consideration to the idea that Severus was angry and humiliated when he said it, and that anger and humiliation makes people lose control, and that they'd been friends since they were nine years old; if she never once saw his reaction to public humiliation in six years, then she wasn't paying attention. With this in mind, she had no excuse not to forgive him. (Please keep in mind, however, that he was wrong for saying it, and that this is not Lily-bashing; it's just something I thought about.)

But let's assume that they had sex at some point before this happened. Lily wouldn't have made that decision lightly, and she did love Severus, in a "best friends" way, so losing her virginity with him (and, by that same token, him with her) would have been extremely significant for her. When she told him to fuck off after calling her "Mudblood", she wasn't angry; she was broken-hearted, and it was the final sign that no matter how much she changed for him, he wasn't going to do it for her. Which led her to James Potter, who stopped being a "toerag" long enough to convince her that he just might be worth her time. (Also note that Sirius told Harry, in Book 5, that James and Lily only started dating in their seventh year. If she really had been angry, the best way to get back at Severus would have been to immediately start dating his worst enemy.)
 * Dude, you don't get it. "Mudblood" is the equivalent of "nigger". They didn't need to be bonking for her to break off her friendship with him for that.
 * May I point one more thing out here? Yes, "Mudblood" is the Potterverse equivalent of "nigger", and once again, Severus Snape was wrong for saying it. And yet  Lily  put up with him calling every other Muggle-born "Mudblood" for who knows how long. She said it herself; page 676 in the US hardback edition. If she was so offended by the word, why didn't she just say, "All right, you're an asshole, good-bye and good riddance" when he refused to stop using it to refer to Muggle-borns in general? Why did she let him do it until it got personal? Either Rowling didn't stop to think about those very Unfortunate Implications, or something else was going on behind the scenes.
 * Maybe she thought she could change him, or thought "well, we're friends, so I'm different in his eyes." Only when she realized that he didn't perceive her differently did she abandon him. We all know women (or men) like that, who refuse to accept that someone obviously not very good could be a bad guy. Usually the only way for them to see is for them to be directly hurt by it.
 * This is close to how I saw it. Lily always wanted to see the best in a person, so she stuck with Snape in an attempt to change his ways. If she wasn't so desperate to see the inherent goodness in him, she would've ditched his bigoted ass years earlier.
 * Jossed

One of Harry's kids and one of Draco's kids will end up falling in love.
Two words: Hilarity Ensues. And well, very awkward family dinnners.
 * YES. Actually, it's been floating the internet that it will be Scorpius and Rose that fall in love, as Ron specifically told his daughter to stay away from him (or something like that) in the Epilogue. Do childen listen to their parents...?
 * Another popular theory is that it will be Scorpius and Al, which would spice things up even more.
 * Would you please stop seeing gay subtext where it does not exist?
 * *** Gay subtext? Because there's sooo much more evidence for Scorpius/Rose than Scorpius/Al in the epilogue. The sexualities of Scorpius, Al, and Rose have never been so much as hinted at, so ditch the heteronormativity please.
 * Actually, I'm all in favour for this, because the abbreviation for the ship would be AS/S. Almost makes the Epilogue worth it.
 * Not just would be: IS. Livejournal has had a specific comm for this (the_ass_ship) almost since the book came out.
 * No evidence at all in canon, but for any Harmony (Hermione/Draco) shippers out there who still respect canon, this would be, if not a dream come true, then the next best thing.

Snape is Harry's real father.
Snape's atributing his protectiveness of Harry to love for Lily is neither a lie nor the whole truth. They had a one-time affair.
 * And how do you explain Harry and James' similar appearance?
 * If everyone is related, the Potters must have intermarried with the Princes at some point. Also, you don't even have to be related to resemble someone.
 * Still, that level of similarity of appearance would be uncanny in two unrelated people.
 * Also, Magic. Maybe he was conceived while Snape was polyjuicing... Or Lily
 * Luck. Harry and James just happen to resemble one another, to Lily's relief.
 * The timelines don't match up. If Harry was born in July 1981, then he was conceived in October 1980 -- at which time Lily & James were full-time Order members and Snape was a loyal Death Eater. An affair, one-time or not, is... unlikely.
 * Why not? People have affairs with jerks all the time don't they? And Snape could have just lied to the lot of them. Wasn't that what he was intending to do in the first place, before he actually converted to their side?
 * No. It wasn't. Snape didn't turn over to the Order in any capacity until after Trelawny made her first prediction, which was after Harry's conception. Before that, he was a Death Eater through and through, and would've fought against them. (In fact, he was known to be a Death-Eater-in-training even as a Hogwarts student.)
 * Unless I am mistaken, nobody in the Order knew Snape was a Death Eater at that time.
 * You are mistaken. Snape was a known Death Eater at the time. Dumbledore's attitude to him in "The Prince's Tale" when they meet so Snape can warn him about the Potters being in danger plainly shows that Dumbledore knows he's a Death Eater.
 * Dumbledore knew because Snape confessed to him (and probebly suspected). Sirius Black said he never heard even a hint that Snape was a Death Eater, and he has no reason to lie.
 * Another point (and I can't believe I'm wasting so much time disproving such a frankly stupid WMG): wouldn't the whole Luke, I Am Your Father thing be in "The Prince's Tale"?
 * Jossed

Draco Malfoy is gay.
I don't know if this is a valid argument since romance is in no way an important part of the plot, but Draco always seemed a bit too uninterested in girls. He would seem to be the type to brag about girls, especially to Harry to rub in his failed almost-relationship with Cho and so on. However, the only girl in his life seems to be Pansy Parkinson, and that's only because he brings her as his date to the Yule ball and she is implied to have crush on him. His feelings for her are otherwise portrayed as less than warm.

He does however, marry Astoria Greengrass eventually, but that could just be because it's expected of him as heir to the Malfoy name. It would be of no surprise if Lucius demanded that of his son, regardless of what Draco himself wanted.
 * A general rule of thumb: if a person's sexuality isn't referenced, then they're straight. Period. Given that he married and had a child, I'm betting Malfoy's straight. (That doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't gay or bisexual, but this isn't real life, it's a book, where the only homosexual relationship that's even implied almost lead to the enslavement of humanity.)
 * I agree here. It falls under The Law of Conservation of Detail, in that if it's not important to the plot a person is straight until referenced otherwise (and that sort of revelation is saved for surprises anyhoo). However if someone wants to think Draco is gay thats fine too - after all I like to think that Harry and Hermione fooled around at least once while Ron was away, then swore never to speak of it again.
 * Um, no. The Law of Conservation of Detail would, in this context, mean that Draco's sexuality just isn't important to the plot in any way. To assume that any character that isn't explicitly stated as gay must be straight is just heteronormative wishful thinking.
 * Not just heteronormative wishful thinking, but statistics. 10% of the population is gay, so, considering the much smaller percentages of aseuals and bisexuals, means around 90% is straight. That means that there is a much better chance of him being straight than him being gay. There's still a chance, of course, but him marrying and having a child makes that possibility unlikely.
 * This makes the ship-killing scene with the locket doubly hilarious.

Nagini is Voldemort's wife
He likes snakes and Horcruxes, so why not? Plus he isn't entirely stable after splitting his soul too many times.
 * THIS SHOULD NOT MAKE AS MUCH SENSE AS IT DOES.
 * If some of the WMG theories are right, and Nagini is an animagi, this would only make it slightly less squicky...
 * It gives "Parseltongue" a whole other meaning.
 * Nagini, as a horcrux, can be seen as an extention of Voldemort. That means that Voldemort is love with himself.

(such-and-such a character) died a virgin
One of the more popular forms of WMG about the series these days, the series could actually be one of the greatest mainstream averters of A Man Is Not a Virgin. Post your own theories and evidence!
 * Lord Voldemort - This one could really go either way. Although once extremely good-looking and popular with the ladies, Rowling has emphasized his complete lack of love for others. While he was an expert charmer, such as with the ancient Hepzibah Smith and the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw, he was never written as having a girlfriend or romantic encounter of any kind. On the other hand, it's quite possible he helped himself to whatever ladies he wanted for hormone-based hate-sex or power-sex, especially as a teen, but there's no evidence he had much interest in this either. Even the "beautiful" Bellatrix Lestrange, who Word of God says was in love with him, could not stir his fancy.


 * Albus Dumbledore - He fell in love with Gellert Grindelwald as a late teen, but the extent to which his romantic feelings were returned is unclear. Rowling said that after the disastrous events of that connection played out, Dumbledore was so disgusted by what his feelings had done to him that he became "quite asexual" for his later life.
 * While hetrosexual virginity is usually considered "vaginal", when it comes to gay sexuality "virginity" becomes subjective to whatever the individual person thinks is the line.
 * A case of Did Not Do the Research? Asexuality is a lifestyle as much as hetero or homosexuality is, and isn't something you can change. This doesn't mean he couldn't have resisted the temptation, but still, the way she worded it sounds incorrect.


 * Severus Snape - Loved only Lily, and didn't exactly seem like he'd be popular with a lot of other ladies anyway. It's possible that he hooked up with other women after the blow of James and Lily getting together, especially during his Death Eater days, but it's equally possible he simply never got over her on any level, before or after her death.
 * Possible, but not probable. Snape was socially awkward to the Nth degree from his childhood up through his adult life. Then again, he was a potions master and is implied to know how to brew up a love potion. (It's also implied that it's not on his 'favorite potions' list, which may or may not be connected to his history with Lily.)


 * Antioch Peverell - There is no evidence that he had any descendants. Also, when he possessed the Elder Wand he may have been trying to compensate for something.
 * Sex doesn't always lead to babies....
 * I know, but he was the only possible virgin I could think of on the top of my head.


 * Harry Potter - He loses his virginity after he returns to life. (This is a stretch, I know.)


 * Colin Creevey - Only sixteen when he died, he was never shown to have a girlfriend (or any interest in girls at all, see the WMG far below).


 * Vincent Crabbe - I mean, really, who would have sex with that.


 * Barty Crouch, Jr. - He was very young when he went to Azkaban, and when he got out, he spent all of his time caring for Voldemort and impersonating Mad-Eye Moody.


 * Rufus Scrimgeour - Never mentioned as having been married, although that likely doesn't count for much. But he was also an essential lifer in a profession at a time where being involved with someone had a good chance of getting that said person blown up.

(such-and-such a character) did not die a virgin
Related to the above; these characters are most likely to have had sex before they died. Do not include the characters who were explicitly not virgins when they died (Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, James and Lily Potter) or characters who did not die within the series (The Golden Trio, Draco Malfoy, Neville Longbottom, etc.) Also, spoiler alert.


 * Fred Weasley - He and his brother were very flirtatious, seen going out with girls frequently during his school years, and had graduated and was presumably living by himself.


 * Sirius Black - Popular with the ladies during his school years, I personally doubt that he was still a virgin at graduation. Then, in the years between his best friend's marriage and subsequent death, he could have had any number of women (although nothing is ever said on the subject). Finally, after leaving Azkaban, he was known for being reckless; he may have taken the chance to have a couple one-night-stands with women who didn't seem to recognize him.


 * Bellatrix Lestrange - This one should go without saying. Not only is she very beautiful (despite what Azkaban did to her), but she's also married; it's unheard of that she never slept with her husband.
 * Ehh...that actually wouldn't have been a stretch for Bellatrix, given her obsession over Voldemort. It's mentioned that she has no children (ironically, in the corresponding film of the book where she says this, her actress is pregnant). Of course, this could still be correct, perhaps with her having taken the Lie-back-and-think-of-Voldem- er... England approach to sex with Rodolphus.


 * Peter "Wormtail" Pettigrew - Possibly. He may have been able to get some popularity with the girls while at Hogwarts just by association with the Marauders, and in that case, gotten some. He also was known to go out and converse with girls while he was supposed to be caring for Voldemort. And, honestly, stranger things have happened.
 * Or, he just found time to brew up or procure some love potion on the side.


 * Lavender Brown - debate on whether she died in the book and the film aside, she was pretty and very, very clingy - not a good combination for a girl wishing to remain a virgin...if she indeed wanted to remain a virgin. Even if she didn't do it with Ron (which everyone assumes she didn't, but the book never explicitly affirms nor denies), it's hard to imagine that she didn't get her claws into another equally hormone-addled teenage boy in the year-and-change between her and Ron breaking up and her death.

Harry was born out of wedlock.
Lily became pregnant while she and James were dating. She decided to marry him so she wouldn't have to be a single mother.
 * Or, alternately, they were going to wait a while, but James decided to get married to do right by her after he found out she was pregnant.

Colin Creevey was gay and had a crush on Harry Potter
His behavior was constantly being compared to Ginny's in the second book, and we all know how she turned out:. He is also one of the few prominent Gryffindor characters who we never see dating anybody. Plus, Colin was Muggle-born, so it's not like he grew up hearing Harry Potter's name the way Ron and his other classmates did. Why else would he be so obsessed with him?
 * This would also imply the second example of Bury Your Gays in the book.

Ginny was Harry's logical match because she represented a combination of the best qualities of both of Harry's parents.
This isn't quite going into Oedipus Complex territory, but it's obvious throughout the series that Harry held his parents in very high regard. Knowing Rowling, this may or may not have been intentional, but Ginny exhibits a lot of the traits that either one or both of Harry's parents had during their time at school. Like Lily, she's an attractive redhead and a skilled witch with courage and natural leadership abilities. She also happens to be the youngest sister in the family. Like James, she shows above average talent with her spellcasting as well as with Quidditch. In fact, she played both Chaser and Seeker at different points in her Quidditch career at Hogwarts just like James did. (James is mentioned as being a Chaser in the books, but is also seen showing off his reflexes with a snitch in a flashback, which might imply that he, like Ginny, played Chaser on a team with a very skilled Seeker, but switched to Seeker when said teammate either left school or was injured.) James was also a natural leader, even of the Marauders in his early school days, and he became Head Boy in his seventh year as well.
 * You did not just say that James Potter was a Chaser. He was the SEEKER. HOW many times did the books say that Harry was a Seeker just like his father?
 * Um... never? The books just establish that James played Quidditch, it's never stated what position he had on the team -- the first movie says he was a Seeker, but the movies aren't canon to the books -- and according to JKR, James was a Chaser, not a Seeker. What muddles the issue a little is in the "Snapes Worst Memory" chapter, where James is seen playing with a Golden Snitch... but then, there's nothing to say that he couldn't have had talents as a Seeker as well, or maybe, like the above Troper theorized, substituted as the team's Seeker when the real Seeker was injured -- much like Ginny does for Harry in HBP.
 * I think that Hermione represents some of these traits too (I'm a Harry/Hermione Shipper).

Scorpius Malfoy and Rose Weasley DO become a couple and eventually marry.

 * Where else could this go, when Ron opens his mouth and specifically tells Rose (albeit in a tongue-in-cheek manner) not to get too friendly with Scorpius and that Grandad (Arthur) Weasley would never forgive her if she married a pureblood? Hilarious in Hindsight waiting to happen. Also, it would (possibly) bring a degree of closure to the Weasley/Malfoy feud, after the two families haven't liked each other for a couple of generations.

Dumbledore was asexual.
Related to the "virginity post". JKR stated that, later in life, Dumbledore was "quite asexual," and a Troper correctly pointed out that asexuality is not a behavior, but an identity. None of this means that Dumbledore never had sex, however. Many asexuals do, in order to please their partner or because sexual drive and sexual desire are separate things. What JKR meant was that Dumbledore and Grindelwald had a sexual relationship, but afterwards, Dumbledore was too frightened to enter any other romantic relationships, so he became what some call a "true" asexual, who is both asexual and celibate.

Harry and Hermione boned each other during the first (?) Deathly Hallows movie.
Come one now, its so obvious! When Ron says to Hermione "did you know Harry talks in his sleep?" Hermione, obviously flustered by the insuation she slept with H Arry, is way too quick and force ful to answer "no!!" before more meekly asking how would she know this, quite clearly embarassed about how she initially answered the question.

They had to do something to pass the time when alone in that tardis of a tent afterall, and dancing can only go on for so long...