Blackmail Is Such an Ugly Word

""Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer 'extortion'. The 'X' makes it sound cool.""

- Bender Bending Rodriguez, Futurama

"Ed: Are you bribing me?

Yoki: "Bribe" is such an ugly word. Let's call this a gift from me to you.

later in the episode

Yoki: You swindled me!

Ed: "Swindle" is such an ugly word, let's call it a gift from you to me."

- Fullmetal Alchemist

This trope dates back to movies in the 1930s (and possibly earlier). A character discovers that she is the target of Blackmail and confronts the blackmailer who, while not denying their actions, would rather call it something prettier like a "comprehensive insurance policy". The line is virtually stock dialogue now; as a trope it is at the very least discredited, since it's only used for laughs (or period flavor) these days.

A subtrope of No Except Yes and Insistent Terminology.

Card Games

 * Inverted in the Z-Man Productions card game Bell-Bottomed Badasses on the Mean Streets of Funk. "Extortion is such an ugly word. Me & the brothas prefer blackmail"

Comics -- Books
"Gyrich: This is blackmail.
 * S.W.O.R.D: Abigail Brand lets Gyrich know that his attempted coup of her organisation nearly led to Earth's destruction, she has all the evidence needed to prove it, and the only way she'll keep it to herself is if he quits and tells the higher-ups that she has no need of a co-command.

Brand: I prefer "squeezing your unexplored hairy planetoids in a vise"."

Fan Works
"Brian: So... it's blackmail, is it?
 * The Family Guy fanfic Wipe The Slate Clean has this mild subversion on the trope, between Brian and Stewie when Stewie plans to blackmail Brian:

Stewie: Blackmail is such an ugly word. How about the word "extortion"?

Brian: Extortion's a good word.

Stewie: But unfortunately completely inaccurate. Extortion is when I just... beat you until you give me what I want!

(Stewie pulls out a baseball bat and starts whacking Brian on the back and shins)

Brian: Damn! Ow! Stop that! Okay, okay, blackmail it is!"


 * It is also a shout-out to every show that ever said blackmail was interchangable with extortion - and by this page you can see there are quite the number of them.
 * From Looming Darkness we have Dark Link quoting this almost word for word in chapter 9.

Films -- Live-Action
"Tony: I was hoping sooner or later I might catch you at something and be able to...
 * Played straight in the Stanley Kubrick film Paths of Glory.
 * Dial M for Murder

Lesgate: Blackmail me?

Tony: Influence you."

"Chief Aloysius: (on the phone with the mayor) Now you know the word for this your Honor: it's called blackmail!"
 * In Kind Hearts and Coronets, Louis sees through one of Sibella's schemes: "Not only are you trying to blackmail me -- an ugly word, but the right one, I think -- but you're trying to bluff me as well."
 * Played straight in The Bad and The Beautiful.
 * Hilariously subverted in It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World:

"[[spoiler:Clark: So this whole thing as been a scam?
 * In The Freshman, in a variant of this trope, the following dialogue occurs near the end:

Carmine: This is an ugly word, 'scam.' This is business. If you want to be in business, this is what you do.]]"

Literature
""You followed me here."
 * From Hugh Laurie's novel The Gun Seller:

"Tut. Followed is such an ugly word. I prefer 'blackmail'."

"What?"

"But, of course, it means something completely different. So all right, let's say I followed you here.""

"Rearden said calmly, "In my youth, this was called blackmail."
 * In Lolita, Humbert corrects himself when fantasizing on how he will "blackmail" his wife Charlotte into letting him spend more time with Lolita, saying that "blackmail" is too harsh and suggesting "mauvemail" as a lighter term.
 * Subverted in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged:

Dr. Ferris grinned. "That's what it is, Mr. Rearden. We've entered a much more realistic age.""

""It may become necessary..."
 * The horse is not yet completely dead: played 100% straight in the 2009 John Grisham book The Associate.
 * Terl of Battlefield Earth has an obsession with finding "leverage" over his opponents that rivals J. Edgar Hoover.
 * In the novel Foundation's Triumph, the Three Laws Compliant robots must use this type of phrasing when they tell human mentallics it may be necessary to seriously harm Hari Seldon to stop what they view as another robot group's interference.

"To kill?"

"Persuade."

"But it is deeply embedded within Hari. To change it may cause him serious harm."

(Beat) The robot said "Regrettable." Then it croaked out "Necessary..." and left the room."

""That's blackmail," Kel said through a thick piece of bacon.
 * Lord Peter Wimsey himself engages in a little blackmail in one of the short stories, but he would of course not use that word.
 * From the Tamora Pierce novel Lady Knight:

"Actually, it's extortion." That was Lofren, whose father was a magistrate. "Blackmail implies--"

His squad-mates dragged him to his feets and took him to saddle their mounts. Kel was grateful. Lofren was happy to talk about matters of law at length, in detail, to anyone who would listen."

""'Blackmail' is perhaps too strong a word," Lord Darcy said thoughtfully, "but I will admit that no other is quite strong enough.""
 * Eric Idle's Rutland Dirty Weekend Book contains a letter to critics in which Idle explicitly states they will be paid bribes for a good review of the book, and subject to physical violence for a bad review, and notes that blackmail is an ugly word, "but in this case, it's also a very accurate one."
 * The novel And Here's To You has main female character Alicia Mitchell use this exact line on a co-worker at an office party. Partially Justified by the character's internal monologue revealing that she was directly quoting Bender from Futurama (see the second page quote above) when she did so.
 * Variant: In the Lord Darcy novel Too Many Magicians, when the Marquis of London pressures Darcy to take a case, Master Sean calls it blackmail:


 * Inverted in The Culture novel The Player of Games. The protagonist is blackmailed by a drone and the drone actually says something like "What I'm doing to you is called blackmail." Presumably, since The Culture is a utopia, the protagonist might not actually know what blackmail is.

Live-Action TV
"Xander: Blackmail is such an ugly word.
 * From Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Amy: I didn't say blackmail.

Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up."

"BJ: Blackmail is such an ugly word.
 * In Diffrent Strokes, Arnold gets into a fight with the bullying son of the landlord's brother who is subbing for a short time. This leads to a loud confrontation where the brother confronts Mr. Drummond, threatens to evict the family and provokes Drummond to punch the blowhard out. Later, the Landlord comes to the Drummonds saying that he approved of his dumb brother being put in his place. He also exploits a lease violation that the brother found to raise the rent on the Drummonds, with a veiled threat of eviction to convince them to give in. When Drummond protests that this is blackmail, the landlord responds "I prefer to think of it as plea bargaining". The punchline is after the Drummonds cave in to this threat, the father tells the kids that this is the result of his act of violence. However, when asked if it was worth it, Mr. Drummond immediately remarks it was for having the pleasure of shutting a bully up.
 * Inversion: After Reese destroyed a new fridge in Malcolm in the Middle via a hand grenade given to him by his grandfather, Hal sits down with his in-laws and asks for money to repair the damages and then some. His father-in-law believes this is a loan to be paid back. Hal calmly informs them that they endangered the children by bringing live munitions into the house and that he could have them arrested for that. He then proceeds to tell them "Don't think of it as a loan. Think of it as blackmail."
 * Done in an episode of Mash.

Hawkeye: We prefer extortion."

"Heyes: This is blackmail, Georgette. You know that.
 * Subversion: In Jeeves and Wooster, Bertie gets blackmailed by his cousin, and sets her up for the line as such: "Are you blackmailing me?" Even though most of the characters can be rather verbose, she just looks at him for a moment and replies with a simple "Yes."
 * Creed Bratton uses the trope name directly in the webisodes for The Office.
 * Alias Smith and Jones:

Georgette: I hate the word blackmail.

Curry: You like extortion any better?"

"Inspector Thorne: You're blackmailing me?
 * In the K 9 episode "The Custodians", a Misplaced Kindergarten Teacher is demanding ten million credits to shut down his mind-control once it proves to have horrific side-effects that even the Department don't like:

John: That's a very non-wonderful word, Inspector. But yes, I am."

"Admiral Gregory Maitland: That's blackmail!
 * Also used by Sam Axe in Burn Notice's prequel, The Fall of Sam Axe:

Sam Axe: No, actually, sir, I believe this form of extortion is known as greymail. It's much nicer than blackmail."

"Sir Humphrey: It's blackmail!
 * Yes Minister gave us a version of this, when the black, male revolutionary leader of a small African nation threatens to give a strongly nationalist speech in Scotland unless the Government gives him £50m.

General Selim Mohammed: Are you referring to me or my proposal?

Jim Hacker: Your proposal, obviously! No, wait, not even your proposal!"

Puppet Shows
"Leo: ... and I thought, what a coincidence! Your show is hiring a Singing Mailman and I... have your dirty tape?
 * Lampshaded and subverted on Greg the Bunny:

Dottie Sunshine: You're blackmailing me?

Leo: (as Jack Nicholson) Blackmail is such a dirty word.

Leo: (as himself) Jack Nicholson, Chinatown. And yes."

Radio
"John (Cleese): So... it's blackmail, is it?
 * A spoof of this trope, from the British radio series I'm Sorry Ill Read That Again:

Graeme (Garden) : Please. Blackmail is such an ugly word.

John: All right. How about... fishpaste?

Graeme: Much better.

John: So... it's fishpaste, is it?

Graeme: I'm afraid so."

"Blackmail is such an ugly word.
 * Were those the guys who gave us this exchange?

You think so?

It's the transition between the 'k' and the 'm' that does it for me. "Blackmail", ugh, it's an ungainly word.

Well, what word do you prefer?

Caterpillar."

Video Games
"Snake: So, you're blackmailing me?
 * Metal Gear Solid

Col. Campbell: I prefer to think of it as helping to make you come to a decision more easily."

Web Original
"Jadis: Ooh. That sounds like blackmail. And blackmail is such an ugly word.
 * When Ayla and Jadis confront some would-be extortionists in the Whateley Universe:

Ayla: I prefer "intentional torts". At least it sounds like some deliberately tasty desserts."

Web Comics
"Kevyn: That wasn't blackmail. That was, I don't know... passive extortion?"
 * Schlock Mercenary. Petey pulled this one:

"Max: Joe, you're blackmailing people!
 * Played entirely straight in this Narbonic strip.
 * From Soap on a Rope:

Joe: "Blackmail" is such a negative term. I prefer "mail of color"."

"Scroggs: Blackmail is such a negative term. Let's call it Proactive Synergy Reallocation.
 * Goats:

Ix: Let's call it Susan. Ix always like that name."

"Lothar: You're blackmailing someone, aren't you?
 * Exterminatus Now has a wonderful scene:

Virus: (with hurt expression) We prefer the term "extortion".

Eastwood: Hey, it's not our fault if Commander Schaefer leaves videos of his secret chicken fetish lying around. Anybody could've broken into his apartment and found them."

Western Animation
"Bender: There's nothing wrong with murder. Just as long as you let Bender wet his beak.
 * From Futurama:

Leela: You're blackmailing me?

Bender: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The "X" makes it sound cool."

Anime & Manga
"Dee: So you are in cahoots with Berkeley after all, aren't you? I knew something was up.
 * From FAKE:

Diana: Awww, cahoots is such a mean, ugly word. We're more like childhood friends, if anything. Swear to God."

Comics -- Books
"Jessica Duchamp: The painting. You're stealing it.
 * Joker's Asylum: The Riddler:

Riddler: "Stealing" is such an unpleasant word. I prefer "acquiring". It's much more aesthetically pleasing to the tongue."

"Lisa: You fake the Mars missions here?
 * Simpsons Comics:

Lindsay Neagle: "Fake" is such a harsh word. Accurate, but harsh."

Fan Works

 * The Bleach fanfic Uninvited Guest, when it is claimed that Yumokin is being murdered rather than sacrificing his own life, he says "Murder is such a harsh word. Accurate, but harsh."
 * Nilvac and Sebboh, from Calvin and Hobbes: The Series, react this way to being called "evil". They prefer "dark".

Films -- Animation
"Little John: You know sump'n, Robin, I was just wonderin' -- are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh, our robbin' the rich to feed the poor...
 * In Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Milo accuses the others on the expedition of being mercenaries, only to be told they "prefer the term 'adventure capitalist.'"
 * In sequels to Aladdin, it's nearly Iago's catchphrase to say "Hate/traitor is such a strong word".
 * Robin Hood:

Robin Hood: "Rob?" Tsk tsk tsk tsk -- that's a naughty word; we never "rob." We just... sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it.

Little John: "Borrow?" Huh. Boy, are we in debt!"

Films -- Live-Action
"Gittes: She was cheating on him. Were you?
 * Chinatown:

Mrs. Mulwray: I dislike the word "cheat".

Gittes: Did you have affairs?

Mrs. Mulwray: Mr. Gittes."

"Bartleby Gaines: Eh, Stalking's an ugly word. I prefer obsessively shadowing."
 * Parodied in Tron, when Alan Bradley goes to find out what Flynn knows about the hacker in ENCOM's system, figures out it's him, and asks if he's been embezzling. Flynn's response is a sarcastic, "Embezzling is such an ugly word, Mr. Bradley," followed by the actual explanation, that he was searching for the evidence that Dillinger's hit arcade games were, in fact, Flynn's.
 * Accepted:

"Peter Parker: Spider Man wasn't trying to attack the city… he was trying to save it. That's slander.
 * From Spider-Man:

J. Jonah Jameson: It is not. I resent that. Slander is spoken. In print, it's libel."

"Virginia: I said this is called entrapment.
 * Inverted in Entrapment, when Mac explains to Virginia how he can frame her for a theft.

Mac: No, this is blackmail. Entrapment is what cops do to thieves."

"Thor: if... you return the items you have taken from Jane.
 * Doubled-up in Thor:

Jane Foster: Stolen.

Agent Coulson: Borrowed."

Literature
"Dr. Big: You're just like all the others. You think I'm mad, don't you?
 * In fantasy settings, the thief may prefer a title like "Expert Treasure Finder". Especially if they are grouped with paladins.
 * In The Hobbit, Gloin tells Bilbo, "You can say 'Expert Treasure-hunter' instead of 'Burglar' if you like."
 * David Eddings uses this several times in his various book series. Silk is the patron saint of this trope.
 * In the first Kingdom Keepers book, Wayne says that Finn would only "borrow" Walt Disney's pen, as oppose to stealing it. Possibly inspired by the exchange in Robin Hood, above.
 * From "The Movie They Said Could Never Be Made" in The Joy of Clichés by Nigel Rees:

Side-Kick: Not mad, but how about geisteskrank?

Dr. Big: Geisteskrank is such an ugly word.!"


 * Informed by Harry Dresden that there've been two attempts on Harry's life since he was hired to follow him, a private investigator opts to discontinue his assignment, remarking that "accomplice" is an ugly word, as is "penitentiary".

Live-Action TV
"Melchett: "Security" isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. "Crevice" is a dirty word, but not "security".
 * In Farscape when Rygel is accused of "snurching" (Farscape-ese for "stealing"), he responds "I don't snurch, I... procure."
 * Whos the Boss, "Not With My Client You Don't": Angela's assistant calls "hooker" an ugly word and prefers "call girl".
 * In the Blackadder Goes Forth episode "General Hospital", during a discussion of spying, Melchett becomes so concerned with what's "a dirty word" and what isn't that he loses touch with the actual subject entirely.

(later)

Blackadder: Well, good thing your job is also your hobby.

Melchett: Now there's another dirty word: "job".

(even later)

Darling: We've found a leak.

Melchett: Now "leak" is a positively disgusting word."

"Klinger: Bribery is such an ugly word. Ugly, but fitting."
 * Subverted in the MASH episode "The Price".

"Carl Sack: is such an ugly word, Alan. An accurate one, but..."
 * In the finale of Boston Legal:

"Michael: You're forcing me to break into a weapons manufacturer?
 * Burn Notice:

Brennen: Forcing is such an ugly word. Encouraging. Incentivizing... No, you're right, let's go with forcing."

"Stephen Fry: I dislike the word brothel, Mr. Jowett. I prefer to use the word brothels. Yes, this is a brothels.
 * Two nonsensical examples in A Bit of Fry and Laurie:

(Note that it was a shoe shop.)

and

Hugh: You certainly came prepared, didn't you?

Stephen: I prefer to put it this way: I certainly came prepared, didn't I?"

"Will: You hustled me!
 * An episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:

Pool Shark: Hustled is such an ugly word. I like to call it creative money management."

"Wesley: This is mutiny!
 * Buffy the Vampire Slayer: In the third season finale, when Buffy informed Wesley that she was through taking orders from the Watchers Council...

Buffy: I call it "graduation"."

"Garak: Commander, this is extortion!
 * In Star Trek Deep Space Nine, Garak isn't pleased with Siskos' encouragement to help him with a rescue misson.

Sisko: Hm... yes, it is."

"Minelli: You abused a corpse to get a confession.
 * In "The Scarlet Letter" episode of The Mentalist, the line is fairly self-explanatory.

Jane: Used. Used a corpse. There's no "ab"."

"Justin: I hate you!
 * On an episode of Life, Charlie Crews abducts the Big Bad by waylaying his chauffeur and picking him up in his own car. When the victim points out that "this is a kidnapping," Charlie parks the car and begins to explain why he doesn't like that word and doesn't feel it applies in this case. The villain then says, "No, detective, you misunderstand me. This isn't a kidnapping. This is a kidnapping." Cue a tire iron smashing through Charlie's window.
 * Castle has a suspect in one episode who isn't fond of the word "stalking". But he did follow the victim around for a few days....
 * 100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd:

Eddie: Justin, hate is a very strong word."

"Babe: I'm just talking about having a little fun. After all, when I'm having fun, I'm happy. When I'm happy, I work harder. When I work harder, you become famous and powerful. Isn't that what you want? Fame and power?
 * The Comic Strip Presents episode "Space Virgins from the Planet Sex" has alien women needing human men to get them pregnant. They shy away from the term "sex slave" in favour of a description of being forced to have sex.
 * The MacGuffin in one Hogan's Heroes episode is a collection of artwork taken from occupied France for a high-ranking German official's private collection -- described as "not 'stolen'... 'confiscated'".
 * From the Frasier episode "The Devil and Dr. Willly":

Frasier: I like to think of it more as "influence", really, but..."

"Hacker: You mean he's indiscreet?
 * From the Yes Prime Minister episode "A Conflict of Interest":

Humphrey: That's such a pejorative word. I prefer to say he's obsessively honest."

"Tinker: I think he means "Bent"
 * Combined with Brief Accent Imitation in Lovejoy when some former soviets ask if an official is "Coorv-ed"

Lovejoy: I prefer "Coorv-ed"."

"Duke: Lying is such an ugly word...but yeah, I lied."
 * Subverted in Haven:

Video Games
""Bah! Semantic nonsense!""
 * In the German version of Kingdom Hearts II, Demyx responds to Goofy accusing him of being a thief with "Dieb – was für ein hässliches Wort!", meaning "Thief – what an ugly word!".
 * Final Fantasy VI with Locke, and his insistence that he's not a thief, he's a "treasure hunter". Naturally, he often "hunts for treasure" in other people's homes. But press the issue and he might rip your lungs out. Or at least steal your clothes.

"Aleria: She's a sacrifice to your god?!
 * In Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles Ring of Fates

Chaspel: "Sacrifice" is such a harsh word. "Catalyst" sounds so much nicer."

"Jak: You mean the slave trade?
 * This exchange is brought up in Jak II when the words "forced labour trade" are mentioned:

Krew: Uh, I prefer "freedom challenged"."

"HK-50: Clarification: "Assassin Droid" is such a crude term, master, reserved for durasteel drones with only the most archaic kill-programs. The function I perform has been referred to as "wanton slaughter". I prefer to see it as a means of facilitating communication, resulting in the termination of hostilities."
 * From Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2:

"Gene: This arm makes me popular among the hellish set.
 * God Hand:

Conchita (a demon): Hellish?!? We prefer "supertropical"."

"Garrett: Archaeologist sounds so much more dignified than Thief."
 * Thief, while looting a ruined city:

"Emogene: I object to the word "extort". It is an ugly term. We are helping them. If they are so tight with their coins that they can't pay us for this service, it is a good thing we are here to teach them manners."
 * In Geneforge V, a bandit argues over semantics.

Web Comics
"Petey: "Spy" is such a short ugly word. I prefer "espionage". Those three extra syllables really say something."
 * Schlock Mercenary is in this category too:

"Vaarsuvius: I negotiated an exchange with three gentlemen from... other planes of existence. Those in the ventral position.
 * Order of the Stick
 * Haley Starshine dislikes being called a thief. She prefers "Freelance Wealth Redistribution Specialist".
 * Also:

Inkyrius: You sold your soul to fiends??

Vaarsuvius: Technically, it is more of a fixed-term lease with an occupancy date yet to be determined!"

"Captain Glee: "Unofficial incentive" is such an ugly... pair of words. Let's just say I bribed you with full knowledge that I'm violating the law."
 * Though that one isn't a distinction without a difference- the fiends don't get V permanently as "sold" would imply. Whether it's enough of a difference is a matter of opinion.
 * Much like Haley, Mordekai from Irregular Webcomic is a "Loveable Rogue".
 * In this Sluggy Freelance strip, the Evil Chancellor doesn't like the term "bad guy", prefering to be called "morally challenged".
 * Inverted in Intragalactic:

"Gav: "Better" is such an ugly word..."
 * Mr. Butch from Chopping Block is not a "serial killer". He prefers another term.
 * Gav in Nukees, in a way illuminating his character.

"Stan: These creatures you treasure, they are as good as dead unless you follow my instructions to the letter.
 * This Pibgorn strip:

Pibgorn: So they're hostages!

Stan: "Hostage" is such an ugly, sordid word ... yes. They're hostages."

"Revolver Ocelot: "Torture" is such an inelegant word. I'm an artist. Their testicles are my canvas."
 * Revolver Ocelot in The Last Days of Foxhound:

Web Original
"''Extortion is such a nasty word.
 * Similarly, this post on the (now disused) old Nation States forums, memorialised in someone's signature:

I much prefer "magnolia". "Magnolia" is a much nicer word.''"


 * This demotivator. They're not pirates, they're preemtive nautical salvage experts.
 * Genocide is such a harsh word...

Western Animation
"Cale Oosha: TREASON!
 * On Invasion America, this exchange takes place:

Dragit: Revolution."

"Homer: (to Sherri) C'mon, why won't you go out with Bart?
 * Codename: Kids Next Door, "Op LEADER": Chad calls "traitor" an ugly word.
 * In The Venture Brothers, the Guild of Calamitous Intent also don't like morally charged phrases like "good guys" or "bad guys", and insist people use "protagonist" and "antagonist" instead. In all fairness, with guys like Brock Sampson running around, it is a legitimate complaint.
 * The Simpsons:
 * Homer posing as 4th-grader:

Sherri: He's a smelly, ugly dork!

Homer: Ugly is such a smelly word."

"Lisa: You're replacing me?
 * Another Simpsons example:

Homer: Now, Lisa, "dumping" is such a harsh word. Let's just say I'm replacing you."

"Marge: Did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?
 * And another:

Homer: Jimmy is such an ugly word. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits. Mrrow!"

"Mr. Krabs: (takes the safe out from his throat) And I bet you tried to steal this, too.
 * SpongeBob SquarePants includes a variation in "Bucket Sweet Bucket".

Plankton: (chuckles) Well, steal is such a strong word."


 * Metalocalypse: The band members don't like talking about dying (when it's them); they prefer the term "hamburger time".