Growing Up Cullen

""EMMETT CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN I AM READING PROUST!!!!""

Once upon a time, the obsession known as Twilight was and is still a great source of parody around the Internet. Mid-2008, two LJ-ers by the names of saint_renegade and oxymoronassoc went on a RP-ing session that greatly exaggerated the characters of Twilight, especially Edward and Emmett Cullen.

In short, Twilight was Turned Up to Eleven.

Icons and approval abounded, and in total five RP-ing sessions were posted, one official batch of icons, and many, many, many quotes.

Can be read here.

""MUST YOU PISTOL WHIP EVERYONE, EMMETT?""
 * Actor Allusion: "NO I DO NOT THINK IT BIG HEADED TO THINK THAT I AM AS HANDSOME AS CEDRIC. IT IS JUST A FACT OF LIFE"
 * All Men Are Perverts/All Women Are Prudes: Edward assumes that the kinkier aspects of Emmett and Rosalie's relationship are all Emmett's idea, since Rosalie is "TOO PURE FOR SUCH THINGS."
 * Auto Erotica: Edward is horrified to learn that Emmett and Rosalie have had sex in his car.
 * The Beard: Rosalie becomes convinced Bella and Edward are this to each other.
 * Canon: In Midnight Sun it turns out the Cullen's really do have family meetings. And Edward says himself in Breaking Dawn that he had a lot of time to pick up hobbies, since he wasn't involved with anyone.
 * Character Exaggeration: Half - no, all - of the fun.
 * Alternate Character Interpretation
 * Creepy Child: Renesmee, Emmett especially is creeped out by her power and the Wife Husbandry.
 * Digital Piracy Is Evil: "THESE PEOPLE HAVE TO FEED THEIR FAMILES YOU KNOW"
 * Dirty Mind Reading: "YOUR MIND CONFUSES ME EMMETT, PLEASE GO BACK TO THINKING ABOUT FOOTBALL...NO! NO EMMETT I SAID FOOTBALL, MY GOODNESS. NO I DO NOT WONDER WHAT [BELLA] LOOKS LIKE NAKED"
 * Emo Teen: Edward, to a ludicrous extent.
 * Even Evil Has Standards: Emmett isn't exactly evil, but his reaction when he thinks Edward is raping Bella. In his words, "THERE ARE RULES."
 * Everything Is Better With Monkeys: Subverted when Edward flees to South America to deal with the break-up."VERMIN! LEAVE ME!"
 * Family-Unfriendly Violence: How Edward sees Emmett's video-game habits.

""THIS IS GROSS, HOW DO YOU WE LIVE LIKE THIS?""
 * Freudian Excuse: "THESE YOUNG WOMEN HAVE OBVIOUSLY HAD A HARD LIFE SO THEY HAD TO SELL THEIR BODIES ON THE STREETS."
 * Homemade Sweater From Hell: Edward knits to get out his aggression.
 * I Am a Monster: Word for word when Edward breaks Emmett's stereo and LET HIS CONTROL SLIP. And again when he uses the word "dick."
 * IKEA Erotica: "IT SEEMS PRETTY SIMPLE TO ME, EDWARD" "INSERT TAB A INTO SLOT B"
 * Intercourse with You: "NO EMMETT I DO NOT THINK THAT SONG IS ABOUT COPULATION."
 * The Internet Is for Porn: This too offends Edward.
 * Ivy League for Everyone: At least according to Edward.
 * Jerk Jock: Emmett.
 * A Man Is Not a Virgin: Averted oh-so-hard with Edward.
 * Murder Simulators: When Emmett changes the music in the Volvo of Justice from Nickelback to 50 Cent, Edward uses this argument.
 * My Girl Is Not a Slut: "NO I DO NOT THINK SHE HAS HAD CARNAL RELATIONS WITH MIKE."
 * Neat Freak: Did you know Edward will scrub the grout on the bathroom with a toothbrush?


 * No Indoor Voice: All of Edward's lines ARE IN CAPITALS
 * No Periods, Period: Averted. Alice advises Bella on what to do for Edward's sake.
 * Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Emmett.
 * Right Through the Wall: Rosalie is loud just to fuck with Edward's ship-in-a-bottle.
 * Sensitive Guy and Manly Man: Edward and Emmett, obviously.
 * Serious Business: Everything is this with Edward. Scrapbooking. Cleaning. Knitting. Everything.
 * Sexy Santa Dress: Emmett tries to get Rosalie to wear one.
 * Shallow Female Love Interest: Bella smells delious, like bacon.
 * Shotgun Wedding: "YES, IF JACOB KNOCKED RENESSME UP I WOULD MAKE THEM MARRY POSTHASTE. IT WOULD ONLY BE PROPER."
 * Sophisticated As Hell: Given Edward tends to speak primarily in archaic patterns, some of the more casual words stand out a little.
 * Stalker with a Crush: Edward, though that is canon.
 * You Need to Get Laid: Edward really needs to get laid. (Though judging by the parts set after Breaking Dawn, it didn't help much.)