Deadpan Snarker/Theatre

"Fiyero: Uh, listen, I've been thinking-- Elphaba: Yes, I heard."
 * Mary Flynn from Merrily We Roll Along. An unusual character trait given that she's the chick in her Power Trio.
 * Joanne in Company. She's about as snarky as you can find.
 * The Lemony Narrator of Passing Strange.
 * Ruth Sherwood from Wonderful Town, especially in her song "One Hundred Easy Ways".
 * John Proctor of The Crucible shows some of this, especially in Act One.
 * Arms and the Man has Nicola, who is always ready with some witty banter behind the master's back.
 * Phyllis from Follies.
 * Romeo and Juliet
 * Mercutio. Especially as he's dying.
 * Romeo's usually too busy whining, but he is shown to be quite snarky himself when he's in a happier mood, i.e. Act II.
 * Hamlet. All the time. Even talking to himself.
 * Iago has some sweet moments.
 * Wicked
 * In Act One, Fiyero has elements of this. His response when Elphaba claims his carriage almost ran her over is to comment that his driver saw green (her skincolour) and thought it meant go, and when asked if he was sleeping rather than paying attention tells her that he was sleeping, it's daytime.
 * Elphaba very much.


 * But that line is the least of it.

"Nessarose: What are you doing here? Elphaba: Well, there's no place like home."

"Glinda and Elphaba: There must be some confusion for you see my roommate is... Glinda: Unusually and exceeding peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe. Elphaba: [Beat] Blonde."

"Adams: Do you mean to tell me that [the Declaration of Independence] is not yet finished?! Jefferson: No, sir. I mean to say that it is not yet begun."
 * In 1776, Franklin, Jefferson, and Adams all have their moments, but Jefferson wins for sheer... deadpan-yness.

"Adams: He has a whole week! The world was created in a week! Jefferson: Someday you must tell me how you did it."
 * And then, almost immediately afterwards:

"Adams: Disgusting. Look at him, Franklin. Virginia's most famous lover! Jefferson: Virginia abstains."
 * One of the funniest iterations of a Running Gag:

"Gemma: Jesus is the guy who cuts my lawn."
 * Gemma on Sons of Anarchy:

"Jill: (talking about auditioning for a play naked) I don't think anyone could call me a prude. Mrs. Baker: (mock outrage) I'd like to see them try!"
 * Countess Orsina from Emilia Galotti who brims over with sarcasm, being the only enlightened woman in the whole play.
 * Mrs. Baker in Butterflies Are Free. And it's awesome.

"Ragueneau: Have you been in some danger? Cyrano: None in the world. Lise (shaking her finger at him): Methinks you speak not the truth in saying that! Cyrano: Did you see my nose quiver when I spoke? 'Faith, it must have been a monstrous lie that should move it!"
 * Maggie Grant in Lady in the Dark.
 * Archie from 13.
 * Royal advisors in Usles productions are often this, e.g. Dandini in Cinderella.
 * King Gama from Princess Ida is MADE of this trope.
 * Cyrano De Bergerac: In a play settled in Paris at The Cavalier Years, Witty Banter is Serious Business for everyone.
 * Cyrano: At Act II Scene III, after Cyrano has fought one hundred men, he has a slight cut on his hand and is talking casually to his friends Ragueneau and Lise:

"Ragueneau: How can I? In a moment, My poets will be here. ] Lise To break their... fast!"
 * Raguenau’s wife, Lisa, gives us her opinion of Raguenau’s poets friends:


 * Twelfth Night
 * The fool. Olivia even calls him a "dry fool".
 * Maria.
 * Speed, Servile Snarker extraordinaire from Two Gentlemen of Verona. Proteus jokes that he's so dry, he'd save a ship from sinking simply by being on it.
 * Portia in The Merchant of Venice.
 * Touchstone and Jaques from As You Like It.