The Blademourner Trilogy

The Blademourner Trilogy - A Novel is an inaccurately named, satirical vampire short story.

It focuses on James Blademourner and John Deadly, two Vampire Lords, following their journey from the Vampires' orbital space laser defense platform to the Zombie Encampment.

The full text can be found here.

Now hosted at Everything2.

""The callipygian bulges of his powerfully built buttocks were obvious through the thin leather, prominent and bulging, in a manner reminiscent of something appropriate for use in a simile.""
 * Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: James' description of the curriculum at St. Legion's.
 * Boss Battle: Used explicitly in the EPIC BOSS BATTLE with the Zombie Lieutenant.
 * Biggus Dickus: John's is four feet and change long. James' is SEVEN.
 * Breaking the Fourth Wall: The narrator. Often.
 * Clean Pretty Reliable: Attempted in order to save John from drowning, until John reminds James that they don't need to breathe.
 * Dead Weight: Alfonso, the Zombie Lieutenant's right-hand man.
 * Fat Bastard: Alfonso.
 * Foe Yay: John and James.
 * Ho Yay: Basically every exchange between John and James.
 * Humans Are Morons: The Vampires view them this way, even keeping them in what is essentially a giant hamster cage.
 * Idiot Hero: James.
 * To illustrate, John provides a sound, reasonable plan for crossing a chasm, by knocking over a tree and crossing it. James then orders all his human slaves to leap into the chasm, making a corpse bridge.
 * Insistent Terminology: All references to God or Jesus are prefaced with "Vampire".
 * Kill Sat: Conceivably, the orbital space laser defense platform, although the author has occasionally joked about it being for defending against space lasers.
 * Load-Bearing Boss: The Zombie Lieutenant.
 * Mook Chivalry: Lampshaded.
 * Proud Warrior Race: The Zombies. This is blatantly pointed out.
 * Purple Prose: Oh sweet Vampire Jesus yes.
 * Red Oni, Blue Oni: With James as red, John as blue.
 * Shaped Like Itself:


 * Superior Species: The Vampires to the humans.
 * Take That: To vampire fangirls.
 * That Reminds Me of a Song: The brief song by the birds after they leave the Zombie tent.
 * There Is Only One Bed: At first, it seems like the shuttlepod only has one chair. Then it turns out that there was a second one all along.
 * The Rival: John to James, but this is dropped about halfway through. It gets mentioned once more, for laughs.
 * This Loser Is You: Humans are portrayed in this as dumb cattle, which are kept around for food, and at one point, bridge building materials.
 * X Meets Y: It's been described as horrible slashy Twilight fanfic meets good grammar.
 * You Fail Biology Forever: Dislocating your arms apparently makes you an escape artist.