Zoofights/Characters

Expect some unmarked spoilers. It is recommended to avoid opening folders if you haven't read the corresponding story and want every fight winner to be a secret.

Zoofights I
The contestants for Zoofights 1 were not given names initially, although several of them received names towards the end. Most of them are therefore referred to with Exactly What It Says On the Tin names, except when a Fan Nickname takes hold.

Ten Gibbons With Clubs For Arms / Four Gibbons With Spring Legs And Egg Whisks For Arms / Devil Gibbon

 * Everythings Better With Monkeys

A Thousand Rats / 200 Mutant Rats / 200 Zombie Rats

 * Zerg Rush

Firenoceros

 * Kill It With Fire

Three Flying Tiger Sharks

 * Everythings Even Worse With Sharks

Team Cheetah / The Steed of The Savannah
The comedic entry, Team Cheetah initially consisted of twenty cheetahs whose only special ability was to shoot off their heads at opponents. Of course, after shooting the head, the body dies from blood loss.


 * Joke Character

Giant Squid Holding Ten Melee Weapons / Mechos and the Red Banana / Mechos and Darth Gorilla / Weapons Platform Mechos and Darth Gorilla
Mechos is generally recognized as the champion of Zoofights 1 - although there was no clear winner, Mechos and his teammate The Red Banana are among the most popular and remembered of the original tournament - only Swanmass is more recognized.


 * Combat Tentacles
 * Defeat Equals Friendship}}: Mechos becomes close friends with a gorilla from the team of gorillas that faces him in Round 1. The two of them save each others’ lives as the tournament progresses.

Cosmonaut Gorillas With A Gatling Gun/Zombie Gorillas/Sega Gorillesis
Although hailing from various countries was a staple of later stories, in Zoofights 1 only a few entrants used their home country to provide character. The Cosmonaut Gorillas were one example, hailing from Russia. Over the course of the tournament they were beaten up worse and worse until what was left was "nailed together into a roughly apelike form" and given a Sega Genesis for a head, resulting in the Royal Rumble Winner and Crowning Moment of Funny Sega Gorillesis.


 * Shout Out: Numerous Genesis games are mentioned over the course of Gorillesis' appearances.

Two Elephants On Tank Tracks / Tankophant / Hulkaphant / Hulkaphant Plus
The other finalist of Zoofights I, Hulkaphant stands alongside Mechos and the Red Banana as an undefeated survivor of Zoofights 1.

Ten Swans With Gorilla Arms / Swanmass / Super Swanmass
The most (in)famous of all Zoofights 1 combatants, the villain of Zoofights 1 started out as a relatively harmless-looking gang of ten swans with gorilla arms. After they lost in a Curb Stomp Battle to the Laser-Eyed Hippos, though, the Zoofights team reanimated them for the Loser's League by "scooping up all the swan parts into a pile, turning on every machine in the area, and hiding behind a steel barricade with crucifixes". The ensuing Swanmass is a "heaving, quivering mass of necrotic swan flesh, groping along the ground in a fleshy cataclysm of beaks and hands. It's like a sea anemone from your darkest nightmares." Swanmass lives only to consume, and if left unchecked will absorb every living being on the planet into itself...

"Major Failure: Please God let it die. For all of our sakes. We're sorry."
 * Big Bad
 * Body Horror
 * Create Your Own Villain
 * Eldritch Abomination
 * Gone Horribly Wrong



Wheeled Dolphins

 * Epic Flail

Seven Enhanced Pigs Riding In a Bacon Tank / Porky Punisher
The pigs were all too aware of their modifications. "Upon seconds of a match commensing, the pigs begin convulsing and screaming with self-loathing". They then commit suicide with their pistols, forcing a new batch to be bred, or the corpses to be re-animated. Not the best idea Zoofights ever had.


 * Funny Animal
 * Took a Level In Badass - The pigs lose their first match when they commit suicide. But one survives, the soft bacon tank collapsing and preventing him from shooting himself. After enduring "the living hell of being entombed" with his dead brothers in a tank made from pig corpses, a "seriously angry pig" emerges from the wreckage and gets some significant upgrades, becoming Porky Punisher, a pig wearing Master Chief-style armor and armed with a Desert Eagle handgun. His ensuing wave of support made him a serious Ensemble Darkhorse. He even survived the tournament!

200 Radioactive Tarantulas with Jetpacks

 * Arson Murder and Jaywalking: Later in the tournament, they were upgraded into "200 Radioactive Tarantulas with Jetpacks and Party Hats".
 * Goddamned Bats: An in-universe example, the tarantulas reach the semifinals by horrifically subverting the Conservation of Ninjutsu.

Three Firebreathing Frogs The Size And Shape of Sylvester Stallone / Cancerman
"Major Failure: He can leap tall buildings in a single bound, but his bones break upon landing. He can shoot webs, but they're usually speckled with his own blood. Poor bastard."
 * Blessed With Suck


 * Kill It With Fire
 * The Woobie: They're portrayed as hilariously pitiable, especially when the last surviving frog gets cancer. Winds up getting invoked in-universe when even the normally heartless Zoofights Inc takes pity on him and allows him to quit a hopeless fight with Swanmass instead of leaving him to die.

John Burnell
Retired police chief John Burnell, from America’s Scariest Police Chases! He appears near the end of Zoofights 1 to battle Sega Gorillesis in an exhibition match, but soon winds up joining Mechos, Hulkaphant, and Porky Punisher in the final battle against Swanmass.


 * Badass Normal
 * Lethal Joke Character

The Shark Brothers
Is it possible to have too much of a good thing? The Shark Brothers are four clones of the late Owen Hart, with the head and arms replaced with shark heads. A fourth shark head is planted in the chest, for a total of sixteen shark heads.


 * Everythings Even Worse With Sharks: Taken Up to Eleven.

Hive Lions
The Hive Lions are a team of lions that fight as one, brainwashed to act as a hivemind via servers planted on increasingly-ridiculous otherwise-normal animals. They start off by relying on an armored but ordinary giant tortoise, and later upgrades spread the control out to swarms of smaller animals.

Mr. Atlantic
This brute is a killer whale with ogre limbs. He was maimed horribly in the first round, but went on a tear in the Loser's League.

Owl Patrol
One of the most mysterious zoofighters ever, Owl Patrol began life as 80 human beings. Once survivors of the Vietnam War, these shellshocked veterans were subjected to horrific experiments as Zoofights Inc slowly turned them into owl-men. Even Zoofights was disturbed at what they created, and decided to release them in the hope that they'd never pop up again. 30 years later, they did. Investigating reports of missing people, Zoofights representatives ventured into a mysterious cave and discovered that 20 members of Owl Patrol still lived.

"Major Failure: What we found, after four days of fruitless searching and our men being dragged screaming into tiny passages beneath the earth, was pure zoofights gold: 20 survivors of the Owl Patrol Project, still dressed in khaki rags, clutching rusted, jagged fragments of rifle parts and caked in three decades of blood, filth and horror. We had finally created the most insane organisms on the planet."

The Institution
This entrant is a team of orangutans, riding various other animals into battle.

The End
The Russian entrant. The End is a swarm of 200 lobsters linked by a hivemind. They have the ability to deliver a moderately-powerful electric shock through their claws.

Chimp My Ride

 * Joke Character

Not Just For Breakfast / Necrogoat / Das Ziegenmancer
A disturbing creature indeed, the Necrogoat is a seemingly completely ordinary goat. However, it has the ability to control dead flesh, levitating it and using it as shields and weapons alike. Worse still, the more disgusted and hateful the crowd is of the goat, the more powerful his abilities become - if the crowd likes him or is disinterested, or if nobody is watching, his powers are clumsy and he prefers to play defense. At higher levels he attacks extremely aggressively but leaves himself open due to lack of meat shielding. An interesting competitor indeed.

Captain Jack Sasquatch
Bigfoot has been captured. Zoofights Inc put him in hypersleep for three years, linking him up to a computer loaded with martial arts knowledge in the hopes of creating "a nine foot tall, hairy ninja". Unfortunately, a tragic mix-up meant Bigfoot had been watching Pirates of the Caribbean on repeat for three years straight, and was now totally insane. Zoofights cut their losses and sent him in anyway, with a pirate theme.

Grapplesaurus Rex
Finally, an answer to what to do with a T-rex's pathetic arms: Replace them with grappling harpoons!


 * Ambiguous Gender: Referred to as male at the beginning of the tournament, but later called a female. It is likely Major Failure found out female tyrannosaurs are thought to be larger than males - he tends to use the biggest, most aggressive representative of the species possible.
 * Conjoined Twins: Grapplesaurus obtained a second head later in the tournament.

Snakes On A Brain
One of the most ludicrous monsters ever to enter Zoofights, this monstrosity is a sperm whale brain in an armored dome, upon which sits a laser turret. Surrounding the dome, like tentacles, are the front halves of twelve anacondas.
 * Brainina Jar
 * Punny Name

The Audience
AKA The Reason Major Failure Disowned Zoofights II. It all started in Round 2. The Institution and The Dream Made Flesh entered the arena to the sound of the crowd going nuts for blood and death. Disgusted, the two teams of animals joined forces and went into Round 3 together, without a single attack launched. Major Failure berated the audience for their bloodlust and threw them into a Loser's League match with Chuggatherium. It could have worked, but Major Failure didn't come up with any hard-and-fast rules for fighting, and the roleplaying soon took over the tournament, with different people writing conflicting stories, Mr. Atlantic dying and reviving multiple times, and just general nonsense. The Zoofights website's archive of Zoofights II ends with the Audience/Chuggatherium announcement.

Steamcrab / Steamcrab Mk. II / Krustus
An ancient crab dredged up from the sea of Japan, outfitted with steam driven weaponry and set loose on the Zoofights tournament. Steamcrab is an extreme Anglophile and always strives to be the perfect gentleman, staving in his opponents heads in a dignified and courteous manner.


 * Badass Mustache
 * Cultured Badass
 * Chest Burster: Used against.
 * High Class Glass: One of his accessories is a combat monocle.
 * Quintessential British Gentleman
 * Spot of Tea: Steamcrab loves his tea, even starting his first battle holding the cup.
 * Wave Motion Gun: Obtains one during later rounds, as a result of
 * Warrior Poet
 * Worthy Opponent:
 * Worthy Opponent:

Reanimammut
A rotting, decaying wooly mammoth husk exhumed from the frozen wastes of Siberia. Animated by the blackest of sorceries, what this colossus lacks in reasoning skills is more than made up for in sheer unstoppable power.


 * Attack Attack Attack
 * Everythings Deader With Zombies
 * The Juggernaut

Oh, The Huge Manatee! / Iron Manatee / Gravatee
A veteran warrior, Oh The Huge Manatee is the only survivor of a litter of twelve pups trained by the British Government to combat Chinese plans to grow opium on the moon in the 1860s. This embittered cigar chomping veteran comes armed with an advanced powersuit containing a harpoon gun, a chainsaw and a jetpack.


 * Badass: Unquestionably.
 * Chainsaw Good
 * Cold Sniper
 * Curb Stomp Battle:
 * Eyepatch of Power
 * High Altitude Battle:
 * Power Armor
 * Punny Name: The most obvious example out of a whole host of punny names.
 * Space Marine
 * Tranquil Fury: OTHM never loses his cool, always approaching any fight with tactics and military precision.
 * Worthy Opponent:
 * Tranquil Fury: OTHM never loses his cool, always approaching any fight with tactics and military precision.
 * Worthy Opponent:

Tapogres
What happens when you inject Malayan Tapir cells into ogre eggs? You end up with 1.5 tons of pure muscle, fat and grease. They are rude, crude and just waiting for an excuse to bash something to pieces. Also, there are three of them.


 * Attack Attack Attack: Honestly too stupid to do anything else.
 * Butt Monkey: Pretty much the ultimate example in the world of Zoofights.
 * For proof of how far this goes,
 * We Have Reserves: There are more than one of these things.
 * We Have Reserves: There are more than one of these things.

The Rabble
Not a single entity, but a group entrant composed of a giant ten foot tall badger led into combat by a mob of unruly drunks, tramps and various other dregs of society.


 * Army of Thieves and Whores
 * Enemy Mine: With
 * Kill It With Fire: Stockbridge and Barrington set their drinks on fire and use them as Molotov cocktails.
 * Lethal Joke Character: Stockbridge and Barrington, the two drunks.
 * Unstoppable Rage: The badger is apparently in a state of constant rage, though he has been conditioned to 'only' maul his handlers.

Edward Tigerhands
A monstrous bipedal Rhinocerous with its fists replaced with living, biting tiger heads. It was previously designated for riot control in British India, only to be retired from duty due to being too brutal.


 * Ax Crazy: Specifically stated to love killing and slaughter more than anything.
 * Curb Stomp Battle:
 * Demonic Possession: During the Loser's League final, his body became posessed with 6 Rakshasas, tigerlike demons who ended up replacing his arms.
 * Even Evil Has Standards: Even the heavy handed police force of the British Empire were horrified by Tigerhands's brutality.
 * Mighty Glacier: Became progressively huger and slower with every subsequent fight.
 * Mix and Match Critters
 * Unstoppable Rage

The Crocodevil
A seven metre long saltwater crocodile...with a pair of genuine demon wings attached to its back. The crocodile itself is dangerous enough, but the pair of wings have a mind of their own.


 * Achilles Heel: The fresh scar tissue around the wings is vulnerable to attack.
 * Curb Stomp Battle: Every match with qualified as one.
 * Demonic Possession: Averted, the wings are sentient but cannot control the Crocodevil's actions directly.

Bastard Shark
A massive whale shark outfitted with a jaw-mounted flamethrower and artificial spider limbs allowing it to walk on land. Despite being nominally herbivorous, the Zoofights team forced Bastard Shark to eat meat instead of plankton, driving the shark to the brink of sanity.


 * And I Must Scream: He's been deprived of plankton and almost driven mad by pain and rage. Almost every thought from him is a desperate desire to have some plankton.
 * Enemy Mine: With
 * Everythings Even Worse With Sharks
 * Good Old Fisticuffs: Was given a pair of muscly arms in a later incarnation.
 * Kill It With Fire

Drillbjorn / Odinkaru
An old polar bear who fights to venerate the Norse Gods, this hulking ursine warrior will only stop when he feels the hand of Thor on his shoulder in Valhalla. Though he is old and arthritic, Drillbjorn's power drill is devastating in close combat and he carries with him the secrets of the Viking berserkers.


 * Animal Companion: Gains two of Odin's ravens as allies during subsequent fights.
 * The Berserker: In his second fight.
 * Bottled Heroic Resolve
 * Everythings Worse With Bears
 * Heroic Second Wind
 * Horny Vikings
 * Last Breath Bullet:
 * This Is a Drill

Ultraphant
A thirteen foot tall elephant from the Ivory Coast, Ultraphant joined the indigenous hunters and poachers and began to mercilessly slaughter his own kind. His trunk has been replaced with an iridium morning star and his feet are encased in the finest Arab ceramic armor. A truly soulless killing machine.


 * For the Evulz: His whole reason for fighting.
 * I Am a Humanitarian: Said to feast on the remains of his slain brethren.
 * Transelephantine Treachery: Hunts and kills other African Elephants for fun.
 * Transelephantine Treachery: Hunts and kills other African Elephants for fun.

Pandamander
The Asian entrant for Zoofights III is a curious chimera composed of the front half of a panda surgically attached to the body of a giant salamander. For weaponry, Pandamanda sports two heavy assault rifles in place of arms but is woefully lacking in the close combat department.


 * Guns Akimbo
 * Everythings Worse With Bears
 * Feel No Pain
 * Mix and Match Critters
 * More Dakka: Those two machine guns can put out a lot of rounds.
 * Slasher Smile: The panda head sports a wicked grin for all its fights.
 * More Dakka: Those two machine guns can put out a lot of rounds.
 * Slasher Smile: The panda head sports a wicked grin for all its fights.

Hellpotamus
A massive hippo with attitude and a deadly vomiting problem, Hellpotamus's primary method of attack is its highly acidic projectile vomit that flows forth in a constant stream. Hellpotamus also has a gunslinging chimpanzee for backup and precision strikes.


 * Everythings Better With Monkeys: No, it really isn't.
 * The Gunslinger: The chimp.
 * Vomit Indiscretion Shot: By necessity, since the stream of acidic chunder is Hellpotamus's main method of attack.
 * The Gunslinger: The chimp.
 * Vomit Indiscretion Shot: By necessity, since the stream of acidic chunder is Hellpotamus's main method of attack.

Project K / Dropbear
The Australian entry, Project K was originally created by the British as part of the same war effort that brought us Oh The Huge Manatee. It's an eight foot high koala bear, genetically enhanced to make a suitable guard for a Uranium mining colony. After the mine was abandoned, the creature escaped into the wild, living off the wildlife and suffering badly from massive tumours, caused by it's years of exposure to nuclear fuel.


 * Body Horror: His body is utterly infested with tumours. Also, it's implied he's had sand get into his brain in the past.
 * Determinator: As his log reads, '...(P)roject K will likely still be fighting on for a few minutes after death due to the ludicrous amount of stimulants in its system.' And it shows.
 * Unstoppable Rage: Oh so very much.
 * Unstoppable Rage: Oh so very much.

The Mess
A chimera consisting of a jaguar's upper body, an anaconda's lower body, and a macaw's wings, created by shamans in the Amazon Rainforest to drive out a nearby oil mining operation. Silent, swift and deadly, it also has psychic powers to some degree.

"'The fury of forgotten water devils, the sorrow of a dying race, the sheer capacity to be a total dick of a macaw.'"
 * Arson Murder and Jaywalking:
 * Arson Murder and Jaywalking:


 * Giant Flyer: The Mess is 30 feet long and can fly.
 * The Unfavorite: As mentioned on the main page, Major Failure is not a big fan of The Mess. Mainly down to the fact he hates drawing jaguars.

Bisontrain / Bisoncopter / Bisoncraft / Bisondreadnought
The American entrant to Zoofights, Bisontrain is exactly what it sounds like; a train with a bison's head stuck on the front. Bisontrain was plagued with technical problems and sabotage, resulting in its fight being repeatedly pushed back. Bisontrain has immense speed and power...in one direction only. Nevertheless, the Bison part is detachable and can be welded to numerous different chassis.


 * Broke the Rating Scale: Most of his combat ratings given in the first round are listed as "TRAIN/10."
 * The Cameo: Appears briefly in Zoofights 4 as Bisoncore.
 * And again in Zoofights 6, playing keyboard for Ned Killy and the Kings of Beasts.
 * Cool Train
 * Crippling Overspecialisation: He's a train. No matter how strong he is, he can only go where the tracks are.
 * Death Glare: He always sports one, no matter the situation.
 * Perpetual Frowner
 * The Stoic: It doesn't matter how much trouble he's in or how strong his opponent is; Bisontrain never loses his badass frown.
 * The Stoic: It doesn't matter how much trouble he's in or how strong his opponent is; Bisontrain never loses his badass frown.

Contestant 12
By far the most mysterious of the 16 entrants for this tournament, the creature in vault number 12 refused to come out for its scheduled match and used horrible psychic powers to keep anyone from coming inside to force it out. The only thing that stood a chance of busting through the wall was Bisontrain. The tournament - and maybe the world - was now in Bisontrain's hands.


 * Disc One Final Boss
 * Disc One Final Boss
 * Disc One Final Boss
 * Disc One Final Boss

Jack The Ripper
Big Bad of Zoofights 3, Jack the Ripper is never directly encountered. Instead, he leaves unsettling letters to the readers, eventually unveiling his plan to destroy all of London (and probably the rest of the world as well) with his unearthly creation,


 * Evil Laugh and Laughing Mad: Apparently spends a lot of time expressing mirth. Lily Limbcake even refers to him as "Laughing" in her diary, not knowing his real name.
 * The Unfought

Monstrous creation of Jack the Ripper,


 * Big Bad
 * Eldritch Abomination: Powerful enough to utterly crush, Zoofight's III's other utterly inhuman monster.
 * Hero Killer
 * One Winged Angel: Reveals a second, even more monstrous form after.
 * True Final Boss

Imperaptor / Battleopteryx / Raptorcycle

 * Cool Bike
 * Feathered Fiend

Burgertherium / Burger Lord
This hideous creature has the DNA of a giant ground sloth, but its body is rotting hamburger, its skeleton is metal piping and its blood is boiling oil and grease. As one competitor who voted for him put it, “Obviously everything that could go wrong with him already has.”

Dakuvanga / Tethys
A vicious hammerhead shark with a buzzsaw for a tail, walking the earth on a set of spindly metal legs. Dakuvanga is a reminder that we are very lucky sharks are not able to live on land.


 * Everythings Even Worse With Sharks

Riot Yeti / 'Nam Yeti / The Shaolin Monkey
The last yeti, hopped up on speed and wielding an electrically-charged spear and riot shield. What could possibly go wrong?

"Major Failure: Oh Riot Yeti you stupid motherfucker."
 * Bigfoot Sasquatch and Yeti
 * Drugs Are Bad: A very rare example of Zoofights playing this trope straight – Riot Yeti’s history of drug use gave him a bit of brain damage, and in his fight against Dakuvanga, his poor decision-making costs him the match.


 * Everythings Better With Monkeys
 * Shell Shocked Senior / Zen Survivor

Tunguska / Tsar Bumble
The second alien to enter Zoofights, Tunguska is the Russian entrant, as that is where it was found. This possibly-female monster, while gigantic, is still only a larva...


 * Bee Bee Gun
 * The Tunguska Event

Old Bitey / Chompa / Ned Killy
Equipped with flight and massively powerful jaws as well as a rotating array of backup weapons that includes broken bottles, guns, lightsabers, a force field and stinging tentacles, the Australian entrant Ned Killy holds the extra-special distinction of being the first ever competitor to outright win a tournament.


 * Laser Blade: As Chompa.
 * Lightning Bruiser
 * Lightning Bruiser

Hydrafficus
One of Zoofights’ largest entrants ever, this Greek entry is a gigantic tortoise body with four giraffe necks coming out the front. And each giraffe has a different elemental power.


 * Mix and Match Critter

Inquisipede / Centipope / Elohim
This bizarre entrant was originally merely a giant centipede whose venom gave you religious visions. Later in the tournament, however, Inquisipede’s corpse is infected by a space parasite that brings him back to life and strengthens his religious zeal. By tournament’s end the centipede has fused with the headless body of a monstrous alien (the adult form of Tunguska) and appears in space to duel the Big Bad in a final fight to determine whether the human race will be slaughtered or merely toyed with.


 * A God Am I
 * Big Bad: One of the two Big Bads in Season 4, the other being Seanet.
 * Eldritch Abomination: After returning from deep space, Inquisipede slowly evolves into one-- Elohim.
 * Knight Templar (ironic, considering what the Inquisition did to the Templars)

Glaciosaur / Ankylodyte / The Penguin
Hailing from Antarctica, Glaciosaur is an Ankylosaurus adapted to live in extreme cold. Later in the tournament, he is joined by The Penguin, a sunglasses-wearing, rifle-toting Badass Normal.



Killobyte / Trilobike / Overlord
Killobite is a somewhat dim-witted but still primitively resourceful giant trilobite with tank treads and cannons. He represents Great Britain.


 * Badass Mustache: As Overlord.
 * Cool Bike

Wolfbike / Wolf Patrol / The Zoobikes (Dogbike, Cheetahbike, Bikebike)
The ridiculous Wolfbike is nothing more than the head of a wolf crudely stitched onto a motorcycle with two big beefy arms. The resulting creature has little to no offensive ability, but DOES have a whole lotta heart.


 * Big Damn Heroes: He and his Zoobike friends pop up in the Losers' League Royal Rumble to fight against Elohim.
 * And in Zoofights 5, he comes back, falling from the atmosphere towards where Batahan and Croctopus are fighting.
 * Cool Bike
 * Cool Shades
 * Crack Defeat: All of his victories.
 * Joke Character: Especially Bikebike.
 * Popularity Power

Slammonite / Rammonite / Wrasslopod
The American representative is a hybrid of ammonite and pro wrestler DNA. Powerful but with an unstable heart, this poorly-engineered beast has a limited time to wreck everything he can before his heart gives out.

"Major Failure:"
 * All American Face: As Wrasslopod.


 * Eagle Land

Kriegbehemot / Psynoceros / Dred Zeppelin
A woolly rhinoceros from the Ice Age, Kriegbehemot is similar to your average rhino in ability and disposition. Over the course of the tournament the rhino becomes almost lost under more and more machinery added to the beast.


 * Mook: Dred Zeppelin has his own personal supply of Mooks in the form of chimps with brains in jars for heads.
 * Rhino Rampage: And how – all the way to the finals, including two upset victories!
 * Shout Out: Kriegbehemot's armor looks very Warhammer 40000-ish.

Heart Of Darkness / Hyperfauna
This nightmarish beast from South Africa was a hideous conglomeration of jungle animals. Sporting an elephant head, a rhino head, a hippo head, and four bullet-spewing ostrich heads, with a crocodile tail and dozens of gazelle legs allowing it to flow unnervingly across the ground, Heart of Darkness was one of the largest and most frightening monsters Zoofights has seen yet.


 * Body Horror: It had crocodiles and hyenas stitched into its insides. And when it became Hyperfauna, It Got Worse.
 * Crazy Prepared: The crocodiles and hyenas were in there just in case the enemy managed to get inside Hyperfauna – and it happened.
 * Mix and Match Critter: Basically everything in Africa that can kill you is in there.

The Delegation / Control Squid / Seanet
A psychic cuttlefish representing Japan ominously appeared at the Zoofights space station ten minutes before they were going to ask Japan to enter. The result of experiments to create a new intelligent life form on par (or smarter than) humans, The Delegation can control objects telepathically, and can also read minds.


 * Big Bad: One of the two Big Bads in Season 4, the other being Elohim.
 * Everythings Squishier With Cephalopods
 * Hive Mind
 * Mother of a Thousand Young
 * Psychic Powers: It/they are the Japanese entrant, but they arrived before the invites were sent.

The Walrus / Once Were Walrus
Representing an After the End Bad Future New Zealand, The Walrus is a humanoid walrus. That’s it. He’s got a gun and a broken pool cue for offense. Kind of an underdog.


 * Badass Normal: The Walrus has no special powers whatsoever aside from his mind coming from an old arcade machine, which blocks mind-control attacks and gives him the excellent reflexes of your average platformer character.
 * Big Damn Heroes
 * Funny Animal
 * Shell Shocked Senior

Star Truck
Five 50-foot-long Titanaboas, welded onto a giant dump truck. This enormous beast was a replacement brute for Hydrafficus, who was unable to fight due to suffering mortal wounds in its fight with Inquisipede.


 * Eye Beams
 * Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: If he had any sort of accuracy with his lasers, Chompa wouldn’t have lasted ten seconds.

Mecha Ants
In Zoofights 4 these six-foot robotic insects served as handy servants to deal with any problems that required going out into the air-less void of space, like hull repair.


 * Big Creepy Crawlies
 * Mecha Mooks
 * Redshirt Army
 * Running Gag: Bless you, Mecha-Ants. Blechants.

Dreadnautilus / Aggronaut / Squidiot

 * Dumb Muscle: Subverted - it is his controllers (three humans commanding him via walkie-talkies) that are stupid. When their connection is cut, Dreadnautilus is shown to be quite clever.
 * And then double subverted when
 * More Dakka
 * More Dakka
 * More Dakka

Brut05 / Hog Wild
From South Africa, Brut-05 is the front half of a warthog attached to a mecha. The result is a heavily armed but poorly armored fighter.


 * Chicken Walker: Brut05.
 * Cool Shades: As Hog Wild.

Snake Preview / Snake Pilgrim / Gamma Constrictor / Ouroboros

 * Alternate Universe / Bad Future
 * Big Bad: As always in Zoofights, it’s not clear at first, and in Round 2 he even shows an incredibly sympathetic side, but after he bursts from the wreckage of the Aircraft Carrier Full of Hate, screaming as lightning flashes across the sky and his dead, unseeing eyes light up the area like lighthouses, it becomes rather clear that he no longer has good intentions.
 * Cyborg
 * In Their Own Image: Snakes! Snakes everywhere!
 * Timey Wimey Ball

Blood 4 Oil / Draaainage / Brutish Petroleum

 * Always Male: Aversion.
 * Giant Flyer
 * Mother of a Thousand Young
 * You Can't Fight Fate: Played with in several ways. Blood 4 Oil fights fate and wins (“Your Going 2 Die”).

Smash Gordon / Newer Labour
After some controversy (both in and out of universe) about having human entrants in Zoofights after Zoofights 3’s Two Drunk Guys and Father Leo McGarry, Major Failure instituted a “no humans” rule. That didn’t stop the Zoofights 5 British team from entering Smash Gordon, who is a Neanderthal caveman and thus is not quite human.


 * Brainina Jar
 * Cyborg
 * Take a Third Option: Gordon was so stupid that people voted for his dog.
 * Too Dumb to Live

Nelson
Smash Gordon’s pet bulldog, described as much more intelligent than him. Gordon relies on Nelson to help him figure out what to do when not fighting. Nelson proved far more popular than Gordon.


 * Killer Rabbit

The Sturgeon General / Sturgeongrad / Chernoble
The ever-suffering (still had not won a match by this point) Russia’s entry for Zoofights 5. The Sturgeon General is a truly giant sturgeon attached to the bottom half of a tank (The resulting hybrid is 25 feet tall). The Sturge is an intelligent, calculating creature who, in the words of one spectator, is “probably the absolute sanest being ever to enter Zoofights”. A definite departure from the usual Chaotic Stupid monsters.


 * Badass Longcoat
 * Bling of War
 * Cool Sword: He wields a twelve-foot long cavalry saber.
 * Four Star Badass
 * General Ripper
 * Make Me Wanna Shout: His main weapon is a jet engine embedded in his throat.
 * Power Armor
 * Russian Guy Suffers Most: The Sturgeon General’s final incarnation as Chernoble (and the following battle) is practically a Tear Jerker.
 * Taking You With Me: Attempted against Captain Croctopus.
 * The Stoic
 * The Stoic

Croctopus / Captain Croctopus / Commodore Croctopus / Admiral Croctopus
The Indian entrant. Patel Industries's finest ship destroyer, Croctopus spent his life before Zoofights breaking down decomissioned boats into scrap metal. “A top quality crocodile with the arms of a top quality octopus”, Croctopus is completely insane (due to his past, he thinks his purpose in life is to build boats) and in possession of many, many power tools. Not a good combination.


 * Big Damn Hero
 * Bunny Ears Lawyer
 * Catch Phrase: "Im building a bote!"
 * Cloudcuckoolander: Permanently under the delusion that he is, in fact, building a boat, rather than fighting other monstrosities.
 * Colonel Badass: Appears in an alternate universe as Colonel Octodile, fighting the evil Space Snake.
 * Combat Tentacles
 * Cool Ship: Invariably destroyed as soon as the fight begins, but that just means he can build another one!
 * Cool Sword:
 * Cool Hat
 * Mix and Match Critter: Crocodile with octopus arms.
 * You Kill It You Bought It: Croctopus builds his "botes" out of his defeated foes.
 * Mix and Match Critter: Crocodile with octopus arms.
 * You Kill It You Bought It: Croctopus builds his "botes" out of his defeated foes.
 * You Kill It You Bought It: Croctopus builds his "botes" out of his defeated foes.
 * You Kill It You Bought It: Croctopus builds his "botes" out of his defeated foes.

Pride and Prejudice / E.M.M.A. / Purrslaysion
Channeling the spirit of the legendary head-shooting cheetahs from Zoofights 1, the Pride is a group of about a dozen or so lions, backed up by a gigantic railgun named “Prejudice”. The lions pull the gun into position, and then one of them climbs in the back and presses a button, causing Prejudice to rip off the lion’s head and shoot it at the enemy.


 * Awesome but Impractical: The Pride is Prejudice's bullets. Specifically their heads.
 * BFG: Prejudice is the size of a locomotive.
 * Fun With Acronyms: Extreme Mammalian Magnetic Artillery.
 * Named Weapons: Prejudice.
 * Shout Out: To Jane Austen.

Count Smackula / Punchules The Magnificent / Fists O'Batahan
The first Irish fighter, Count Smackula is an enormous bat with a fondness of scrap metal. He likes to employ dirty tricks in his fighting and is capable of drinking infinite amounts of alcohol without passing out. Continuing the popular tradition, his legs have been replaced with big muscly arms.


 * Bat Out of Hell
 * Crazy Prepared: In round 2, Punchules had apparently been studying Batman comics, because when his Bane-inspired opponent broke his spine the clever bat revealed he brought a spare.
 * Combat Pragmatist: Pretending to be unable to move, blinding his opponent with rage with acts of vandalism, and distracting his opponent with an arm-wrestling match are some of Smackula’s more notable techniques.
 * Drinking Contest: Between him and The Snapture.
 * Good Old Fisticuffs

Mr. Ro-Boto / Ro-Boto Cop
Japan’s entrant this time around was an adorable pink river dolphin. Of course, river dolphins aren’t worth much without some sort of upgrade, so Mr. Ro-Boto sits inside a bipedal mecha tricked out with numerous weapons. Later he exchanges it for a more form-fitting battle suit with laser guns.


 * Chekhov's Skill: Ro-Boto, when under pressure, recalls the techniques he was taught in the past, and unleashes his bloodthirsty side.
 * Cyborg
 * Heroic Dolphin - Sorta kinda.
 * Take a Third Option: Friendship with Gorillesis MK. II.

Sting Kong / Gorillesis MK. II / Bango And Crash
One of the more sympathetic monsters Zoofights has seen, Sting Kong has the body of a gorilla, scorpion tails for arms, and the head of a wasp. He was created by a mad scientist on a faraway tropical island, and was left to fend for himself when the scientist succumbed to his own creations. Although he has lots of fighting experience from his time on the island, Sting Kong has only fought to survive. Later on his wasp head is replaced by a Sega Genesis and he becomes closely linked with the original Sega Gorillesis.


 * Call Back: To Zoofights 1.
 * Crack Defeat: Sting Kong has the absolute worst luck with random number generators. He was the overwhelming favorite in Round 1, but lost. In the Loser’s League he was even more heavily favored against Ro-Boto Cop, but wound up taking a third option and befriending him.
 * Everythings Better With Monkeys
 * Everythings Worse With Bees
 * Mix and Match Critter: Gorilla body, wasp head, scorpion stinger arms.
 * Shout Out: Mr. Ro-Boto and Sting Kong are just one Shout Out after another – together they reference a few films and several video games, including Robo Cop and Mortal Kombat.
 * Take a Third Option: Friendship with Ro-Boto Cop.

Barbaramundi / Banebarrimundi / Tetramundi
The Australians, attempting to make lightning strike twice, have once again entered an augmented fish into the tournament. Unlike top-level contender Ned Killy, however, Barbarrimundi is a simpler, lower-budget creation. No flight, no lightsabers, and no mechanically enhanced jaws – just a barramundi perched atop the body of a particularly burly man.


 * Drugs Are Bad: Defied; after the damage he took from Sting Kong in Round 1, Banebarrimundi required copious shots of venom to stay alive.
 * Dumb Muscle
 * Funny Animal

Presidential Seal / Seal of Disapproval / The Seventh Seal
After the End, America has gone underground, trying to avoid the worst of the nuclear holocaust wrought by Seanet. Unfortunately, the Americans have not escaped unscathed – they mutated, went crazy, and elected a giant bull elephant seal as their president-god-emperor. The Seal has subsequently entered the tournament to prove his might.


 * Acrofatic: Surprisingly agile, even in the second round, when he has bulked up significantly in preparation for his rumble with The Snapture. It’s all possible thanks to the hydraulic pipes installed in and on his body.
 * Eagle Land
 * President Evil and Sleazy Politician: Made clear in the “From the Office of the President of the United States” letters that appear as bonus content.
 * Stout Strength

The European Onion / The Bloody Onion / The AgriCultural Revolution

 * And Now for Something Completely Different
 * Call Back: He revives a clone of Drillbjorn as a zombie during the battle against the Presidential Seal.
 * Man Eating Plant
 * Our Zombies Are Different
 * Squishy Wizard:
 * Squishy Wizard:

Great Leap Forward / The Long March
The first ever Zoofighter from North Korea! Great Leap Forward was originally created to assist the peasant folk with day-to-day challenges like farming, but he can fight when he has to.


 * Attack of the Fifty Foot Whatever: Giant locust fused with farming machinery.
 * Cyborg
 * Weaponized Animal: Especially severe case here. Goes Up to Eleven with The Long March, at which point the poor thing is practically Organic Technology.

The Snapture
A truck-sized snapping turtle with unclear motives. He does drugs, he drinks heavily, he smokes, and he curses like a sailor. As if that wasn’t enough, he seems to be immortal...


 * Boisterous Bruiser
 * Bottled Heroic Resolve
 * Cluster F Bomb: Several times.
 * Cool Shades
 * Drinking Contest: With O'Batahan.
 * Eagle Land
 * Everythings Sparkly With Jewelry
 * Memetic Mutation: Readers latched onto the shutter shades he wears and ran with it. He eventually started spouting memes in-universe as well. Now Prez, imma let you finish...
 * Running Gag: Several. Besides the Kanye West jokes, there was also his fondness of the phrase "Fuck You" and his insistence on keeping his name the same with each new round (unlike most fighters).
 * Smoking Is Cool: Also, Drinking Is Cool and PCP Is Cool.
 * The Drifter: No human crew, no known motive, no knowledge of his origins. H.H. Johnson puts it best: “What is he? What in the Singularity is he?!”
 * Turtle Power
 * The Drifter: No human crew, no known motive, no knowledge of his origins. H.H. Johnson puts it best: “What is he? What in the Singularity is he?!”
 * Turtle Power

Marlin the Magnificent
Towards the end of Zoofights 5, there was a one-month delay between the semifinals and the final battle due to Major Failure getting married and going on a honeymoon. To help fill time, several spectators came up with their own beasts to stage exhibition matches. Most of the battles fizzled out early, but one that made it to completion pitted Marlin the Magnificent against Widow Maker. MTM is a marlin with a jetpack. He also has a diamond tip to his sword nose and drills instead of front fins.


 * Dumb Muscle
 * Giant Flyer
 * This Is a Drill
 * This Is a Drill

Widow Maker
A female praying mantis (female mantids are always bigger and stronger!) boasting nails on her claws, a gun that shoots black widow spiders attached to her rear, and stealth camouflage as well as the power of flight and high intelligence. The tradeoff? Her exoskeleton can handle only minor attacks, rendering her one of the frailest monsters in Zoofights.


 * Big Creepy Crawlies
 * Dangerously Genre Savvy: She’s studied up on Zoofights history and past matches, and she knows what works and what doesn’t.
 * This makes it incredibly ironic in Zoofights 6, when her creator used her as his RP character and proceeded to have her lose every match she bet on.
 * It Got Worse. The one time her creator did win, it was using another RP character. Who was it, you ask?
 * Fragile Speedster
 * Mook Maker

As a whole:

 * Attack of the Fifty Foot Whatever: Well, roughly 10ft-- but no matter, they're still much bigger than normal.
 * The Eighties
 * Product Placement (mostly)
 * Punny Name

Huggles T. Bear /
A cuddly-wuddly bear with batteries jammed into his brain and a giant laser in his stomach. The perfect Christmas gift!


 * Cliff Hanger:
 * Darker and Edgier: Literally.
 * Everythings Worse With Bears
 * Frickin Laser Beams
 * Heart Is an Awesome Power: Especially when combined with a tummy-mounted Wave Motion Gun.
 * Shout Out: To the Care Bears, Teddy Ruxpin, and maybe Lotso Huggin' Bear.
 * Wolverine Claws
 * Wolverine Claws
 * Wolverine Claws

The Berlin Walrus /
The combined effort of East and West Berlin. Fights with a brick launcher and an iron fin.


 * Badass Mustache: The Western half's. At least two spectators wanted it for a trophy.
 * BFG: It shoots bricks.
 * Cool Hat: West wears a tophat, East wears a Communist military hat.
 * The Great Politics Mess Up
 * High Class Glass: On the Western side.
 * Multiple Head Case:  
 * Half Red Scare,
 * Half Wicked Cultured
 * Screw the Rules I Have Money: When Huggles implies that he wants something, West thinks he's asking for a bribe.

Croaka Cola /
A soda company mascot shot into space. He's SEEN THINGS, MAN, but is it enough for Zoofights?


 * Shout Out: Possibly to Slurm and Hypnotoad.
 * The Stoic
 * Vomit Indiscretion Shot:
 * Shout Out: Possibly to Slurm and Hypnotoad.
 * The Stoic
 * Vomit Indiscretion Shot:
 * Shout Out: Possibly to Slurm and Hypnotoad.
 * The Stoic
 * Vomit Indiscretion Shot:
 * Vomit Indiscretion Shot:

Monster Truck /
Half-tiger, half-truck, 100% unimaginably painful existence.


 * And I Must Scream: He can and does, but he can't do much else. Yet.
 * Body Horror
 * Cliff Hanger: . Resolved when
 * Cyborg
 * Flash Step:
 * Flipping the Bird:.
 * Imagine Spot: He remembers being a normal, carefree tiger for just a moment, which is enough to make him really freaking angry about his present situation.
 * Transformation Sequence / Transformation Trauma: Ouch.
 * Thankfully, as Fight Rider, he is no longer heavily injured by his transformation.
 * Transformation Sequence / Transformation Trauma: Ouch.
 * Thankfully, as Fight Rider, he is no longer heavily injured by his transformation.
 * Thankfully, as Fight Rider, he is no longer heavily injured by his transformation.

Bull Market /
He's backed by the best things money can buy: a bronzed hide, carbon-fibre suits, an ultra-dense brick of a cell phone on a chain, and one heck of an assistant.


 * Bronze Makes Everything Shiny
 * Cannibal: "Eats Kobe beef every night. That is f*cked up, man."
 * Conspicuous Consumption
 * Power Armor: Cash Cow's head is flesh, the rest is Bull Market's ultra-dense body.
 * Screw the Rules I Have Money
 * Shout Out: To the giant bronze bull statue on Wall Street; his sneaky gecko assistant is apparently named Gordon.
 * Screw the Rules I Have Money
 * Shout Out: To the giant bronze bull statue on Wall Street; his sneaky gecko assistant is apparently named Gordon.
 * Shout Out: To the giant bronze bull statue on Wall Street; his sneaky gecko assistant is apparently named Gordon.

Murducken /
A female terror-bird given Big Muscly Arms TM and a powerful microwave for a heart.


 * Anachronism Stew: Averted: Turduckens only became widely known in the early-ish 2000s but they've been around since 1985.
 * Always Male: Aversion
 * Axe Crazy: "Turns out terror birds weren't stupid. They were, however, completely psychotic."
 * Knife Nut
 * Cyborg
 * Feathered Fiend
 * Improbable Weapon User:
 * Morally Ambiguous Ducktorate: In name only.
 * Lethal Chef: "From the diseased mind of America's greatest TV chef" Lemeril Magasse.
 * Mix and Match Critter: Terror bird with human arms.
 * Shout Out: Mmmmaaaayyyybe to the Birds With Human Hands Photoshop thread. Evidence: everyone on the ZF staff is a member of Something Awful and she's the only bird contestant with human arms.
 * Shout Out: Mmmmaaaayyyybe to the Birds With Human Hands Photoshop thread. Evidence: everyone on the ZF staff is a member of Something Awful and she's the only bird contestant with human arms.

Playing Mantis /
The most high-tech creation Japan has to offer versus...


 * Always Male: Aversion
 * Conspicuous CGI: Her intro.
 * Cyborg
 * Glass Cannon: Referred to in a voting post.
 * Instant Awesome Just Add Ninja: Is swift and agile compared to her tank-like opponent.
 * Japanese Ranguage
 * Shout Out: To Neuromancer; also wields a Deadly Identity Disk.
 * Also to Final Fantasy I, and its 6 classes.
 * Tron Lines: As Neuromantis.
 * Also to Final Fantasy I, and its 6 classes.
 * Tron Lines: As Neuromantis.

Cray Fish /
... America's offering, which is very slow and in constant danger of overheating.


 * AI Is a Crapshoot: Well, technically.
 * Combat Pragmatist: He's not above using dirty tactics
 * Conspicuous CGI: His intro.
 * Cyborg / Wetware CPU: There might a lobster under all that armor. Might be.
 * Conspicuous CGI: His intro.
 * Cyborg / Wetware CPU: There might a lobster under all that armor. Might be.


 * Power Armor
 * , maybe:



Mangolin' Pangolins /
A gang of totally radical pangolins. They have power tools for arms, street smarts, and an incentive for winning the tournament: freedom.


 * Cool Car:
 * Cool Shades
 * Expy:
 * Round 1: 80s shows such as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Street Sharks.
 * Round 2:
 * Round 3:
 * Five Man Band / True Companions: More like a four-man-band, but these Pangolins are very close.
 * The Heroes: The only other heroic characters besides Luchadillo.
 * Informed Ability: Sort of:
 * Turns out it to have been a non-issue.
 * Pint Sized Powerhouses
 * Shout Out: Part Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, part The A-Team.
 * Take a Third Option: The many "friendship" votes for them and . Subverted (naturally) when.
 * This Is a Drill / Drop the Hammer / Epic Flail (Spike Balls of Doom) / Deadly Disc: The Pangolins are armed (literally) with drills, hammers, morningstars, and, um, circular saws.
 * Totally Radical
 * Xtreme Kool Letterz: (inconsistant) The bros are known as Drillz(he's the leader!), Hammerz(he's the crazy one!), Ballz(he's the cool guy!), and Sawz(he never smiles).
 * Shout Out: Part Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, part The A-Team.
 * Take a Third Option: The many "friendship" votes for them and . Subverted (naturally) when.
 * This Is a Drill / Drop the Hammer / Epic Flail (Spike Balls of Doom) / Deadly Disc: The Pangolins are armed (literally) with drills, hammers, morningstars, and, um, circular saws.
 * Totally Radical
 * Xtreme Kool Letterz: (inconsistant) The bros are known as Drillz(he's the leader!), Hammerz(he's the crazy one!), Ballz(he's the cool guy!), and Sawz(he never smiles).
 * Totally Radical
 * Xtreme Kool Letterz: (inconsistant) The bros are known as Drillz(he's the leader!), Hammerz(he's the crazy one!), Ballz(he's the cool guy!), and Sawz(he never smiles).
 * Xtreme Kool Letterz: (inconsistant) The bros are known as Drillz(he's the leader!), Hammerz(he's the crazy one!), Ballz(he's the cool guy!), and Sawz(he never smiles).

Hippos With An Eating Disorder /
Four berserk, cannibalistic hippos that eat everything in their sight.




 * Big Eater / Extreme Omnivore: Duh
 * Body Horror:
 * Cannibal: There WOULD be six of them, but two didn't make it.
 * Exactly What It Says On the Tin / Stealth Pun: Their name manages to combine both.
 * Exactly What It Says On the Tin / Stealth Pun: Their name manages to combine both.

PEP-Simian /
Another corporate mascot, this time an axe-crazy chimp with a skateboard who can metabolize CO2.

"The Zoofights Foundation took him in when he was but a chimplet, held in a stainless steel boxcar and scheduled to be destroyed after being ejected from the most violent zoo in America for murdering all the elephants."
 * Ax Crazy


 * Cool Shades
 * Everythings Better With Monkeys
 * Foil (probably): To Croaka-Cola, who's a stoic in a space suit while PEP-Simian is an axe-crazy on a skateboard.
 * Everythings Better With Monkeys
 * Foil (probably): To Croaka-Cola, who's a stoic in a space suit while PEP-Simian is an axe-crazy on a skateboard.

Hare Metal /
"Hare Metal is an eldritch blend of British steel and forbidden rural energies that, frankly, we do not understand."


 * Beat Still My Heart: BUT WHAT USE IS A HEART...COMPARED WITH THE POWER OF METAL?
 * Cool Bike: He's made of motorcycle parts
 * Cult: Is created and venerated by one.
 * Curb Stomp Battle:
 * Almost but not quite--
 * Cyborg
 * Grimdark
 * Hair Raising Hare
 * Heavy Metal
 * Hermetic Magic / Instant Runes: Hare Metal was created by music exec mages and his blueprints are written in runes.
 * Hurricane of Puns: The fight commentary had a music reference (with a You Tube link!) every other sentence.
 * Killer Rabbit: Aversion, it's pretty obvious he's dangerous given that he's a skeletal rabbit with fire for hair that's the size of a horse with glowing innards.
 * The Power of Metal
 * Psychic Powers
 * Mind Over Matter
 * Shout Out: Maybe to Watership Down's The Black Rabbit and Woundwort since he's British and Night of the Lepus 'cause he's huge.
 * Sickly Green Glow
 * Technicolor Fire: Has regular-colored flames on his head and green flames in his guts.
 * Sickly Green Glow
 * Technicolor Fire: Has regular-colored flames on his head and green flames in his guts.

Gadadhara /
An Indian elephant with two sets of Big Muscly Arms TM from the makers(?) of Croctopus.


 * Ambition Is Evil: From fighter to stock broker by Dudemanguy.
 * Ax Crazy:
 * Eyepatch of Power: "Eye lost in barfight [....] Why do we let them drink?"
 * Vylan Antagonist recounts how he lost that eye.
 * Multi Armed and Dangerous: As Muhammut Kali.
 * Spike Balls of Doom: On a pair of maces.
 * Spike Balls of Doom: On a pair of maces.

Luchadillo /
Half armadillo, half Glyptodon, all wrestler.


 * Cool Mask
 * Epic Flail with Spike Balls of Doom: On the end of his tail.
 * Gratuitous Spanish: He's "loco, ese."
 * The Hero: The only heroic fighter besides the Pangolins.
 * Mix and Match Critter
 * Psychic Powers
 * Roaring Rampage of Revenge: H. H. Johnson and another agent (who is either a chupacabra or a mutant vulture) witness Luchadillo's vengeance (bottom of page) on behalf of its owners.
 * Take a Third Option: The many friendship votes for him and . Subverted (of course) when Dio's idea of "friendship" is to.
 * Take a Third Option: The many friendship votes for him and . Subverted (of course) when Dio's idea of "friendship" is to.

Achilles' Eel /
"Cloned from the cells of Caligula's biggest and most vicious Moray Eel, this aquatic titan has been through a phenomenal array of modifications since its birth was greenlit by the deranged marketing committee of the Victory Shoe Company."


 * Cloning Blues?
 * Cool Hat: Winged helmet (not a "magic hewmet")
 * Cyborg:
 * Mix and Match Critter: Has had "crocodile gene injections"
 * Nice Shoe: "The best shoe in the world: Has own propulsion unit; Pump Action; massively weighted"
 * Punctuated for Emphasis: "This is blasphemy. This is madness. This. Is. ACHILLES' EEL."
 * Shock and Awe

Teslacorn /
"Surrounded by powerful Horsefields and crackling with ruinous energy, this pale blue apparition gallops through the air on a trail of wild electricity and thundering hooves, spreading loose ions and possibly cancer in her wake."

"Friendship Is A Redundant Concept Only Held By The Weak."
 * Always Male: Aversion
 * Everything's Better With Sparks
 * For Science / Mad Scientist: [[http://zoofights.squarespace.com/storage/zoofights6/round-1-fight-8/Teslacorn
 * Nepotism: Major Failure's wife designed Teslacorn, which led to charges of favoritism on the ZF forums.
 * Shock and Awe
 * Shout Out: Probably to My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic (but using only that for your vote will earn negative points )
 * If she wasn't at first, she is now.
 * If she wasn't at first, she is now.


 * Averted in real-life: If only Major Failure had the time to ask Brian Blessed who would win, a giant electric eel with a cool shoe or a giant electrified horse.

The World Creature Wars
Knock-off fighters (with their own version of the Major, Commador Disaster) recruited by that damn gecko in a surprise bid to take over Zoofights in the middle of the Losers' League Royal Rumble. Very quickly, they are as follows (descriptions by the Major):


 * ARMS 'N DANGEROUS -- A ball of Big Muscley Arms controlled by an ameoba, this is the reason for the recent shortage of BMA in the tournament.


 * OCTOPUS CRIME -- An octopus that cannot stop commiting felonies.


 * CARP. A. DIEM -- The murderous Roman fish with muscley hands and a toga.


 * THE LESSER OF TWO EAGLES -- Couldn't get the good eagle, had to get the shit one. Carries picture of brother.


 * MIKE BISON -- Mike Bison's gonna Punch Out.


 * DOLPHIN LUNDGREN -- A dolphin trained to kill by soviet hairdressers.


 * BIGUANA -- A really BIG iguana. Seriously. He’s quite big.


 * JOHN KRAKENROE -- A furious tennis-playing squid. YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!


 * COMMODORE DISASTER with GEKKO -- A dollar-store Major Failure and his creepy lizard pet.


 * A TOTALLY RADICAL CAT WITH ONE LEG -- ON A SKATEBOARD


 * Disc One Final Boss: They were set up as the main competitor to Zoofights earlier on, and the end of the first round hinted that they would soon play a major role in the story.
 * Disc One Final Boss: They were set up as the main competitor to Zoofights earlier on, and the end of the first round hinted that they would soon play a major role in the story.

Major Failure
The big boss, the one behind it all. Sometimes referred to as "The Major" or "The Good Major". His roleplay persona of choice is Major Failure – an ex-military man with vast wealth who forces animals to brawl for his and others’ amusement. He also posted occasionally as Al Swearengen in Zoofights 3.


 * Blatant Lies: Every tournament Major Failure assures the audience that nothing will go wrong this year. And every year he's wrong. He was especially insistant about it in Zoofights IV, a year when three competitors became Eldritch Abominations.

Gravitas Shortfall
A close friend of Major Failure in Real Life, Gravitas Shortfall tends to assume a second-in-command role. When roleplaying, Gravitas Shortfall acts as the computer system of the complex the tournament is taking place in. He also takes over Zoofights when Major Failure is unable to post for whatever reason (broken computer, lost internet connection, getting married, etc)

Spoonsy and Akumu
These two are the main driving force behind the Loser's League from Zoofights 3 onward. Neither roleplays often, but both are involved in everyday contest proceedings and could be seen as the next step down from Gravitas Shortfall.


 * Everythings Better With Penguins: Spoonsy is a big fan of penguins, and he added one to Zoofights 4 as one of Glaciosaur’s upgrades.
 * Those Two Guys

Lily Limbcake (played by Desumaytah)
A very naive child who morphed into an Eldritch Abomination as Zoofights III went on.


 * Ascended Extra: Desumaytah originally had nothing to do with the plot, just playing the role of a Heartwarming Orphan who was part of the Rabble in an attempt to garner more votes. Major Failure liked the character and gave her a role in the story proper.
 * Ambiguous Innocence
 * Creepy Child
 * Deus Angst Machina: Her past, in a nutshell.
 * Heartwarming Orphan / Orphans Ordeal
 * Humanoid Abomination
 * Ill Girl
 * It Got Worse
 * Madness Mantra: DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES DISEASES
 * Nightmare Fuel Coloring Book
 * Nightmare Fuel Stationattendant
 * Oracular Urchin
 * The Pollyanna
 * Nightmare Fuel Stationattendant
 * Oracular Urchin
 * The Pollyanna

Gezora (played by MrGreenShirt)
Gezora is a giant Toku squid who tends bar, occasionally with Al Swearengen.


 * Alien Lunch / I Ate What / I Drank What: Gezora is usually up front with what is in the food and drinks which includes glowing chemicals and other bar patrons.
 * Ambiguous Gender / No Biological Sex: Gezora refers to itself as "it".
 * Attack of the Fifty Foot Whatever: Gezora has not really attacked anyone. Yet.
 * Cool Shades: Gezora has been sporting shutter-shades since supporting The Snapture (super!).
 * Cordon Bleugh Chef / I Am a Humanitarian: Gezora has adventurous tastes.
 * Gargle Blaster: Gezora's signature drink is the Pineal Colada, among many others. Gezora got its start when Gezora/someone started posting provocatively-named real drink mixes.
 * Is It Something You Eat: Gezora is certain its done that at some point.
 * No Indoor Voice: GEZORA DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHISPERING.
 * Third Person Person: Gezora speaks in the third person.
 * Verbal Tic: Gezora usually starts sentences with its own name.
 * Verbal Tic: Gezora usually starts sentences with its own name.

H.H. Johnson (played by Blurry Gray Thing)
An alien private eye with the ability to shapeshift. H.H. Johnson shows up towards the end of Zoofights 4 to expose Seanet's dark agenda and attempt to put a stop to it. His lines are entries from his journal, in a manner similar to Lily Limbcake. He reappears in Zoofights 5, initially disguised as "Herb from the Wasteland", but eventually grows tired of hiding himself and assumes his true form – a white, humanoid creature resembling an anthropomorphic amoeba. In this arc he still has journal entries but also posts "normally".

""I am Agent Johnson, a representative of, let us say, a covert branch of the United States Fish and Wildlife service, here with the full cooperation of the British government.""
 * The Blank
 * Conspiracy Theorist
 * Cool Shades
 * Not Even Bothering With the Accent: "Herb" tended to go off on H.H. Johnson-style intellectual rants, sometimes not even making a cursory effort to correct himself after he realizes what he’s saying.
 * The Men in Black: In Zoofights 6:


 * Shout Out: Maybe to The Question, who's also detective without a face, and The Question's own expy Rorschach, who has amoeba-like blobs on his mask.
 * Voluntary Shapeshifting

Dr. Hanz (played by The Porp)
A Nazi with an accordion for a head, or maybe a Nazi accordion.


 * The Gambling Addict
 * Those Wacky Nazis
 * Those Wacky Nazis

The Jukebox (played by Bassetking)
A sapient jukebox with a knack for parody songs.

Sintendo Powerglove (played by ZeeToo)
Notable in that as of the start of Round 2 it has lost nearly every single time in ZF6.

SEGA Activator (played by Asator)
As Powerglove's commercial and spiritual nemesis it has won nearly every single time just because it votes against Powerglove (aside from the time they both voted for Achilles' Eel).

Dr. Robotnik and Matthew Lesko
What started as a simple, amusing rivalry escalated into sheer mayhem when Lesko won all seven Chaos Emeralds off of Dr. Robotnik by continually betting against him. He eventually became Super Lesko, and the two held an exhibition fight during Major Failure's real-life honeymoon to both settle things and provide entertainment while the main tournament was on hold.


 * Chekhov's Gun: The Smash Ball and the Lesko statue.
 * Evil Knockoff: Metal Lesko.
 * Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain: Robotnik, who is fully in-character as he throws a fit every time he loses a Chao Emerald in a bet. His journal entries leading up to the fight with Lesko paint an incredibly heroic and sympathetic picture.
 * Mecha Mooks: Robotnik’s army of Eggrobos.
 * Super Powered Evil Side: Lesko turns nasty when he gets all the emeralds.