Baldur's Gate/Funny

"Ok, I've just about had my FILL of riddle asking, quest assigning, insult throwing, pun hurling, hostage taking, iron mongering, smart arsed fools, freaks, and felons that continually test my will, mettle, strength, intelligence, and most of all, patience! If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR?!"
 * The Rant-Inducing Slight in Baldurs Gate.

"Protagonist: I am clearly deranged. Look who I travel with! Minsc, meet the Pirate Lord!
 * There's a truly brilliant conversation if you have Keldorn and Imoen in the same party. Imoen tries to pick Keldorn's pocket. Keldorn catches her, and she pretends she is attracted to him. "I j ust can't keep my hands off you!" And he gets all flustered, saying "Good lord Imoen! My daughters are almost your age!" And finally she says, "Oh forget it, Keldorn, here's your ring back." in a tone that shows she just thinks of him as such an old fuddy-duddy.
 * Likewise just about half the things Minsc says. Here's how he gets you into Spellhold Asylum:

Minsc: Pirate Lord? Such a name does not conjure images of righteous behavior! Stand still a moment and let Boo have a look at you.

Pirate Lord Desharik: Er, why is your friend pointing a hamster at me?

Minsc: Boo will soon have you figured out. You certainly seem friendlier than I would think a Pirate Lord would be. And where is your peg?

Desharik: My -- what?

Minsc: Your peg. A proper pirate has a peg, whether an arm, leg, or - uh - some other expendable extremity. And a parrot.

Desharik: A parrot?

Minsc: Certainly! As I have my Boo, so too must you have your parrot! Boo likes parrots. They could wrassel.

Desharik: I've seen enough. Congratulations, you are on your way to Spellhold. You are clearly a danger to the general community. By the gods, I think I'm stupider for just talking to you."

"Minsc: Minsc and Boo are the greatest warriors, small one! I will crush your foes into little foe-shaped chunky bits! Who dares pick on you? Just point the way!
 * "Evil, meet my sword. SWORD! MEET! EVIL!"
 * Another good one, when a boy named Delon asks him if he's a warrior:

Delon: I... I don't have any foes, sir...

Minsc: No foes? I am relieved. I trust those who prey on children no farther than they can be thrown, even if I manage to throw them pretty far, and throw them I shall!"

"Sarevok: Ranger! Turn your rodent's gaze another direction! I will not be scrutinized as though by some ridiculous divining rod!
 * Minsc and Sarevok:

Minsc: Boo has an uncanny judge of character, but you...you give him trouble.

Sarevok: I shall give him more than that if this continues! I nearly conquered a nation! I will not be judged by a creature that stores nuts in its cheeks!

Jan: (If present) Hey! I resemble that remark.

Sarevok: (If Jan present) Trust me, gnome, you do not want to partake in my wrath this day.

Minsc: Food storage aside, Boo controls himself far better than you do. Do you see him ranting about mere glances? Let's look.

Sarevok: What?

Minsc: There, you see? No rant. In fact, right now we see him snuffing about for a comfy place to sleep. Admirable restraint.

Sarevok: I'm still in hell, aren't I? This is insanity.

Minsc: Ah, finally a calming look across your face. Boo's handywork, no doubt. Doesn't that feel better?

Sarevok: Let's...let's go kill something. Soon."

"Jan: So Viconia, I suppose you must be a drow, eh?
 * And Jan Jansen. Especially that one time where you can actually play along with Jan's stories to annoy Viconia.

Viconia: Speak not to your betters, surface slave.

Jan: My brother, Elgar Buttercup, had skin the shade of charcoal, too. Well, technically it WAS charcoal. He died in a nasty fire, you see.

Viconia: You do love the sound of your own voice, don't you gnome?

Jan: My own voice? Heartless wench! Do you not know? I am deaf. I have never heard the sound of my own voice. I read lips... (sob)... only lips...

Viconia: Deaf? Truly? In the Underdark the deaf are killed or used in pain threshold experiments.

Jan: I heard that! In fact, it reminds me of the time I was eaten by an avatar of Lolth. I was stuck inside her stomach with a miserable drow called Biffle Chump for days. Of course, I was forced to eat him. A matter of survival, you understand. Nothing personal. He tasted a bit like chicken.

Viconia: [to Protagonist] How is it that you travel with such a wee buffoon?

Protagonist: [choosing the second dialogue option] Truthfully, it all goes back to the time that Jan's cousin, Plooty Paladin-piper, got caught in a nasty flesh golem eating contest...

Jan: Aye, Plooty had a way of attracting golems. Brilliant, really. You start with a saucer of milk - golems are suckers for milk...

Viconia: I refuse to listen to this."

"Jan:"Well... I had an Uncle Richard that tried to bring nude theater to a festival in Waterdeep... Exposure is usually good for an actor's career, but even so, a cold reception for the play caused the cast to shrink steadily. Blackballed, my uncle tried to recruit from the thieves' guild, but they wouldn't let their nick-ers go. 'Just bare with me,' he would say, but they were afraid of being stripped of their dignity. He gave up the lead to attract new members, and eventually the production's genius was uncovered, even with his part left out.""
 * Also, this epic Hurricane of Puns:

"Jan: You know, Binky, I've been considering this plan of yours that you had with the Iron Throne and all that. Interesting ideas...but flawed.
 * Jan on Sarevok's Evil Plan:

Sarevok: 'Binky'? You had best not be addressing me, gnome.

Jan: For instance, whose idea was it to put impurities into the iron? Sounds like the lame idea of some yes-man underling who didn't know when to quit. No doubt you had him flogged.

Sarevok: I will not have my past commented upon by the likes of you, churl. Quiet yourself, lest you experience worse than mere flogging.

Jan: Speaking of a good flog, I'm brought to mind of poor Auntie Sara. She, too, had a master plan to take over the Sword Coast, you know. Although hers was considerably less dramatic and involved the use of some tasty recipes for turnip pie and some mind-altering herbs that Auntie Sara had bought from a rather disreputable Turmish mage.

Sarevok: Are you listening to *nothing* I say?! Desist or suffer the consequences!

Jan: Do you think she would listen to us? You can trust a Turmish mage about as far as you can kick him...and even then it's not a bad idea to carry a good thumping stick. But, alas, Auntie Sara just cackled in her most villain-like way and was determined to carry on with her plan to hypnotize the Sword Coast. Alas, she was completely undone by an over-the-top exposition she gave to a spy that she had captured...and who subsequently escaped, of course, before she could have him killed. It's what villains do, I understand, when they're not busy defiling iron.

Sarevok: I will not be mocked, gnome! This is your last warning!

Jan: Of course, they say that Duke Eltan had already had a bit of Auntie's pie and enjoyed it immensely. Rather than become hypnotized, he just became rather pleasantly obsessed with silken undergarments. This, of course, led to the first Great Underwear Shortage. It's also known as the Three-Year Wedgie Drought, but that's another story completely.

Sarevok: AUUUUGHHH!! How maddening! How you can put up with such impudence, !!"

"Jan: Oh, is it that time already?
 * Heaven help Sarevok if you put him in a party with Minsc and Jan.
 * You can't go back to any of the places recruitable party members are found (e.g., the Copper Coronet) in the expansion, but you can use your power to teleport any of them across the continent and into your Pocket Plane to join you. While they don't get any warning whatsoever and some of them aren't happy at being yanked away from whatever they were doing, Jan is surprisingly unsurprised.

CHARNAME: That's all you have to say? Did you know you were coming?

Jan: Well, it's like my Uncle Spanky used to say...there's just no point in wetting your pants and screaming if you suddenly find yourself on another plane. Especially if you're dead. What kind of a start to the afterlife would that be? Better to just look like you know what you're doing and impress the hell out of everyone. Of course, Uncle Spanky didn't often follow his own advice. He was once laughed off of Mount Celestial by a pair of mischievous planetars, I hear. (bastards!)

CHARNAME: Alright, alright, enough. I need your help, Jan.

Jan: Time for a little adventure, is it? I figured as much. I saw some ogres down in Amn capture a poor Bhaalspawn...a kobold, that one, my but that Bhaal got around, didn't he? Anyway, they were stewing him in a big iron pot and I thought to myself, "Jan, my boy, that's adventure you're smelling."

CHARNAME: That's horrible!

Jan: Not as horrible as the stew. Very bland. No salt.

CHARNAME: That reminds me of that turnip beer-cake you foisted on me at Ma Jansen's place.

Jan: Well, that happens to be Aunt Petunia's special recipe, my dear (man/woman), and I'll thank you not to disparage it. I bet she could make something a mite tastier out of a Bhaalspawn kobold too, given the chance. Now are we going, or what?"

"Salvanas: Ahhh...I have not seen you here, before, lovely creature. How do you do?
 * Edwin, too. Especially his reaction to meeting the girl in the tavern in the Athkathla Docks District...
 * Not to mention Edwin's reactions to becoming a girl.

Edwina: Why...I'm just fine, you -- (aargh! Hold your tongue, fool!) Begone, you slithering eel!

Salvanas: Ah, yes...the eel...I slither about your loveliness because you draw me to you. You...with your dark lashes and come-hither eyes...

Edwina: I said begone! Can you not understand the simplest of common, you lumbering piece of filth!

Salvanas: Salvanas understands you. He hears your words and feels your passion. Your fire ignites my own, my sweet...come to me...

Edwina: My, but you are a flatterer! (Gah!) I mean...stop it, get lost! A fireball in your gullet would dampen your mood, lizard!

Salvanas: Nothing could keep me away from your exotic grace...those hands...those lips...that throat...that, er, Adam's apple?

Edwina: GAAAAAHHHH!! (pig) NOW YOU DIE!!"

"Cernd: Are the flowers not beautiful this time of year? Perhaps a little late in the blooming, but still...
 * When the transformation happens, Edwin is upset that he's a woman but is particularly horrified when he realizes that his penis has disappeared. If you have Cernd in the party, he apparently makes a note of this and later on remarks offhandedly...

Edwina: What!? What are you getting at!? I know you are talking about me, so speak it plain!

Cernd: Perhaps your new form has made you more sensitive, though not in a way I call improvement. I meant nothing. It is my wont to talk of nature and her gifts.

Edwina: Very well then. I will let your comment pass and...

Cernd: I mean, if I say how the great cycle fells the mighty oak, yielding to the furrows and valleys of a more subtle landscape, is it my fault if you take offense?

Edwina: I see, I see. I shall let the slight pass and...

Cernd: And if I say that the great stag casts aside its wondrous mantle as the long winter approaches, should it be my concern if you draw any comparisons to your...

Edwina: Yes, yes, yes, now will you please cease your prattle!

Cernd: Poor, Edwin. When nature casts aside an appendage, she is confident it will return in the proper season. My heart weeps for your insecurities. Weep, weep.

Edwina: (I wonder what his nature would say about the cleansing power of fire. I wonder.)"

"Bondari: (I'm telling you we can take CHARNAME. Nanoc, you are unfettered by the weaknesses of the civilized world! Tim, you can cast magic missile! I will backstab. I bet she has all kinds of great treasure!)
 * Then, of course, there's Lilarcor.
 * Anything out of Xan's mouth in the first game did it for this guy. "We delude ourselves to think that our pitiable band will stand up to our enemies."
 * "Bondari reloads"

Bondari: Thanks. It was a good quest. I found a dagger and Tim here got a scroll of identify. In a couple of days he'll be able to tell me about my dagger."

""Ooooo... you like this one, maybe... like little smack on the tush, heh heh..."
 * CESPENAR. His quotes + his voice + his usefulness = the best butler ever.

"... dum-de-dum-de-dum... I'se looking through stuffs that ain't mine... de-dum-dum..."

"Big hammer. Bhaal drop one like this on toe once. Kicked poor me all the way to Baator. ...bad week, that."

"I keep looking, but I runnings out of recipes soon. Needs to find Martha, soon. She around Hell somewhere, I thinks."

"You not got better things to do than watch me search your bags? Like quest, maybe?"

(To anyone other than the protagonist:)"Uhhh...Cespenar only serve the Great One. You is nice and all, but you is still a nobody."

"Oooo...big weapon, this (referring to the Ravager halberd). You over-compensating, maybe?"

"A glove? Only one? What is you, a rock star?"

"Whatever, just don't go around turning everyone into chickens."
 * Even the normally Wangsty Aerie Romance has one gem of funny. What can the protagonist answer when Aerie said everyone seems to be so down and needs to cheer up like in the circus?

"Minsc: Its not nice to steal!
 * If you have the Expanded NPC mod for the first game, and Minsc is in your party when you encounter a pickpocket at the fair...

Pickpocket: Er...but I am a world famous pickpocket, after all, and, uh...you're kind of crushing my arm.

Minsc: IT'S NOT NICE TO STEAL!"

"Haer’Dalis: Ah, my hound, this city be the great world of commerce! Perhaps we can sell Jaheira?
 * Made better by Imoen playfully commenting to the same pickpocket how Minsc one killed a monster with his bare hands.
 * Imoen's constant weedling requests for Dynahier to tutor her in magic.
 * If you listen to Noober long enough, Imoen and Minsc will eventually snap and scare him off with some...colorful threats.
 * Jaheira vs. Haer'Dalis:

Jaheira: Cut your wit, bard. The day has been long already, without you adding hours to it.

Haer’Dalis: Cut my wit? Why, certainly, if i could only use your nose’s razor edge to perform the task.

Jaheira: Aye, it seems I’ve sharpened it upon the grindstone of your heart.

Haer’Dalis: Well, my frumpy ptarmigan, I must protest-

Jaheira: "Methinks thou dost protest too much." Aya, I can quote the poets too. If you must protest, I respond only to hunger strikes and, even then, too late.

Haer’Dalis: Oh , raven of sympathy! Yon woman is stifling my creativity and stealing thunder from my wit! I swear I cannot work amidst the lashings of her tongue!"

"Haer’Dalis: He'll strike you dead with magician's flair
 * If you have the expanded banter pack, Haer'Dalis fires back if you have Jaheira and Edwin together in a party:

She'll freeze your blood with a cold dead stare

His cloak is decked in the finest reds

Her underthings... there, I'll not tread

Jaheira and Edwin, the die is cast

Jaheira and Edwin, of such polar pasts

Jaheira and Edwin, seems to me quite clear

Were the universe fair, neither one would be here.

Edwin: Oh, bravo, bard. Cleared five seconds from your busy schedule of doing nothing to compose that ditty?

Jaheira: Haer'Dalis, as a motivator of camaraderie, you might make a passable slop bucket.

Edwin: Why  tolerates your parasitic presence, I have no idea. I have heard better singing from beggars and seen better magic from a zulkir's dog.

Jaheira: Indeed. But you know what they say, Edwin. There is no accounting for taste, or the tasteless.

Haer’Dalis: Ah! Delightful! This is all far, far better than I ever expected!

Jaheira: A better response than you usually receive? I wish I could believe it, but there are enough fawning little girls in the world to swoon at worse, I am sure.

Haer’Dalis: The poem was merely a decoy, my friends. But seeing yon two opposites unite against a common foe does set my heart a-soaring. Were you to mount a stage performance of one of the great love stories, 'twould be an event to remember. Nay, not some simple tale of star-crossed lovers, but the best kind, full of mistrust, words spat in anger and faces slapped in fury, culminating in the inevitable pairing of two so obviously meant for one another. The passionate hatred, the uneasy alliance and then the sweet surrender to passionate embrace... ah, the audience would feel your pain and pleasure for they would be so real!

Edwin: She would never live through the first act. I would find myself simply unable to slip out of character when asked by the script to stay my hand. (I am finding it hard to resist even now.)

Jaheira: Don't flatter yourself, Edwin. You would be fortunate to walk away with a permanent limp after the first rehearsal.

Haer’Dalis: Magnificent. Truly magnificent."

""We have agreed to retrieve Farthing's dolly should we come across it on the island. She has allowed us to play with the doll on the way back.""
 * Journal entry for one of the island quests in the first game:

"Gantolodran: Zzz*cough...wha...who's...who's there?
 * The second time your party's thief teams up with Narlen and Rededge to burglarize a house, she or he has to think quickly when the owner (a jeweler named Gantolodran) starts to wake up.

Thief: Meow-w-w.

Gantolodran: Grrmble...blasted cat. Hrmph...snork...zzzzzz

Gantolodran: Zzzzz...wha...wait a minute. I don't own a cat. Who's there?

Thief: I'm a stray, go back to sleep. Shhhhhhhhhh

Gantolodran: YAWN...that makes sense...g'nite kitty...zzzzzz

Gantolodran: Zzzz*Grumble...noisiest talking cat I ever heard...wha..what did I just say? Noisiest talking ca...Guards! Guards!

Thief: The jig's up! Out, we must get out!"

"Player: I am Dinklemus Littlelog and I have come in search of the holy groundhog!"
 * Tales of the Sword Coast has an encounter that lets you introduce yourself in a rather hilarious fasion:

"Girl: MY MOTHER SAYS THAT DARK ELVES SHOULD BE HANGED UNLESS THEY'RE NAMED DRIZZT!
 * When wandering around the Bridge District in the second game, you're treated to this exchange if you speak to a certain little girl:

Viconia: (sigh) So what else is new?"

"Baron Ployer: Jaheira, you and your claims brought me shame and suffering, and today I am going to exact payment. For your slanderous accusations I am going to...
 * There's something deliciously narky about Jaheira's responses in the following conversation:

Jaheira: Well, the slander is going a bit far. You actually were a slaver, you know. It's not slander if it's proven."


 * One of Xzar's 'clicked-on' quotes is "STOP TOUCHING MEEEEEEEE!" in a very goofy-sounding voice.