The Internet Oracle/Quotes

"Okay, so "Internet Oracle" is a bit less euphonious than "Usenet Oracle". By the same token, "Jehovah" is a bit less euphonious than "Gary", but that's no reason to use the latter, is it?"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply ...
{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ''Dewdrops on diskettes, corn fritter noodles, > ''Fresh toner cartridges, bi-sexual poodles! > ''Blue hessian noteboards tied up with string, > ''Tell me Oracle, what are a few of your favorite things? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ''Groveling supplicants humbly abasing, } ''Folks who hear Primus and dislike what they sing, } ''Leather on Lisa and whips with a sting, } ''These are a few of My favorite things!}}

"''"Marmot!" said I, "thing of evil! -- Marmot still if not a devil! -- ''Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore, ''Leave now and leave no token of that which you have spoken! ''Leave my belongings unbroken, you who would bust up my chamber door! Take thyself from my room, and take thy form from off my door!" Quoth the woodchuck, "P-K4.""

{{quote|} ''I chuck wood as you chuck wood as they chuck wood } ''We all chuck wood together } ''See how they surf like fleas on a Smurf see how they post } ''I'm laughing } } ''Sitting on a home page, waiting for the hits to come } ''Microsoft commercials, stupid bloody Windows } ''Man you been a newbie boy you let your sig grow long } } ''I am the AOL man, they are the AOL men, I am the Woodchuck } ''Choo-choo-ka-*ZOT* } } ''Mister Exon policeman bashing bandwidth } ''Net.cop policeman in control } ''See how they hack like an overdose of FAQ } ''See how they troll } ''I'm laughing } } ''Urban legend cookies dripping from Craig Shergold's eye } ''Uuencoded GIF files, pornographic newsgroups } ''Boy you been a naughty geek you posted megabytes } } ''I am the AOL man, they are the AOL men, I am the Woodchuck } ''Choo-choo-ka-*ZOT* } } ''Lurking in a Usenet newsgroup, waiting for a flame } ''If the flames don't come you'll get a burn } ''From cross-posting to talk.bizarre } } ''I am the AOL man, they are the AOL men, I am the Woodchuck } ''Choo-choo-ka-*ZOT* } } ''Network shmetwork spamming hamsters } ''Don't you think the hucksters pitch to you } ''(Buy! Buy! Buy! Now! Now! Now! Free! Free! Free!) } ''See how they troll like prostitutes for Dole } ''See how they spam } ''I'm laughing } } ''Kernighan and Ritchie tearing down the Eiffel tower } ''Misdirected packets sent by Serdar Argic } ''Man you should have seen them posting MAKE BIG MONEY FAST! } } ''I am the AOL man, they are the AOL men, I am the Woodchuck } ''Choo-choo-ka-*ZOT*, Choo-choo-ka-*ZOT*, *ZOTTTTTTTTTTTTT* } } ''(chuck-a chuck-a chuck-a) } } ''Chuck wood, chuck wood, everybody chuck wood } ''Chuck wood, chuck wood, everybody chuck wood } ''Everybody chuck wood, everybody chuck wood } ''               (Life is a tale told by an idiot) } ''Everybody chuck wood, everybody chuck wood } ''               (Full of sound and furry) } ''Everybody chuck wood, everybody chuck wood } ''               (Signifying nothing) } ''Chuck wood } ''               (affoH deirub I)}}

{{quote| And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the Tao Te Jones (The Way of Prosperity): } } The Tao is the center of the universe, } the good man gains treasure, } the bad man, refuge. } } Failure is an opportunity, } to blame someone else. } There is no end to the blame. } } Therefore the Master says: } } I let go of the law, } and become prosperous. } I let go of religion, } and become serene. } I let go of all desire for the common good, } and gold to me becomes common as grass. } } You owe the Oracle some insider stock tips.}}

"Is this the Usenet Oracle, or just existential blues?"

{{quote|And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ''Life is good, yes, I think life is grand } ''Life is grovels and gifts of flan } ''I think immortality's just the most wonderful thing } I do, don't you, of course you do } But there's one thing that makes life complete for me } ''And makes every morning a treat for me } } ''All the world seems in tune } ''On a spring afternoon } ''When we're mailbombing Lusers on the 'net } ''Every Sunday you'll see } Lovely Lisa and me } As we mailbomb the Lusers on the 'net } } ''When they see us coming, the Juno-whats try and hide } ''But they still go for posts that claim you can buy Asian brides } ''Yes, the sun's shining bright } ''Everything seems all right } ''When we're mailbombing Lusers on the 'net } ''La la, dum de da da da doo deedeedee } } ''We've gained notoriety and caused much anxiety } ''In the Free Speech Society with our games } ''They call it impiety and lack of propriety } ''And quite a variety of unpleasant names } ''But it's so much fun to be a bomber } ''And frustrate some yahoo-dot-com'er } } ''So if Sunday you're free } Why don't you email me } And we'll mailbomb the Lusers on the 'net } And maybe we'll do } In a woodch*ck or two } ''While we're mailbombing Lusers on the 'net } } ''We'll drive them all off amid laughter and merriment } ''Except for the few we send survey experiments } ''This old heart will go 'thump' with ev-e-ry coredump } ''We send to a Luser } ''And thanks to web browsers } ''There's no shortage of Lusers on the 'net!}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, who can always find the TV remote, > What would an X-Files/Highlander crossover be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There can be only one out there.}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have no life, and I must scream.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And there we have it, modern music summed up in one tidy sentence.}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The End?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Roll Credits] } } T.I. Oracle ............................. John Lithgow } Lisa ................................ Heather Locklear } Zadoc ................................... Hilary Swank } Og ..................................... Charlie Sheen } Game Show Host ....................... Wink Martindale } Zotted Supplicant #1 ................... Norm McDonald } Zotted Supplicant #2 ................. Darrell Hammond } Matchstick Girl ..................... Lara Flynn Boyle } Coat Rack In Bar ................... Calista Flockhart } Obnoxious Bar Patron ................... Regis Philbin } Gratuitous Nudists .................... Angelina Jolie }                                            Elizabeth Berkeley }                                            Anna Nicole Smith } Lisa's Pony (Front Half) ................... Carrottop } Lisa's Pony (Back Half) .................... Gallagher } Religious Nut .......................... John Travolta } Extras provided by ............... Soylent Green, Inc. } Food catered by ......................... Krispy Kreme } Animals trained by ...................... Staff of Zot } Incidental music by .................... Phillip Glass } Accidental music by ................... Britney Spears } Weather reports courtesy of .................. L. Nino } Gaffer .............................. Thomas Pinkerton } Gaffer's Tape .................... William P. Ducttape } Best Boy ........................... Haley Joel Osmont } Worst Boy .......... That kid from the Star Wars movie } Overexposure provided by .............. Angelina Jolie } } Directed by .............................. T.I. Oracle } Based on the screenplay by ............... T.I. Oracle } Produced by .............................. T.I. Oracle } }               An Oracularitous Production }         (c)MM by Oracularitous Productions, Ltd. } } You owe the Oracle a tub of popcorn and a second screening.}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you keep a rhino from charging?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Reverse the polarity of his terminals. } } You owe the Oracle a new 12V car rhino.}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a slightly used soul going for nowadays, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's going for a pizza, want it to pick you up one, too?}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If we keep shooting rockets into space then the amount of mass > on earth should be decreasing, right? Plus we're burning all > that oil leaving big holes in the earth, right? So the earth > has less mass than in the past....Soooooo, sooner or later the > earth's gravity field will be so slight we can just leap into > orbit, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yes, this *would* be true except for the fact that the } mass of the anal probes and mind control mechanisms brought } onto the planet by X-files type aliens more than makes up for } these losses. Dieticians may be bemoaning the obese nature of } the American populace these days, but they forget to take into } account the fact that every third individual is wired up } better than Arecibo, and transmitting every single body noise } back to Sirius. } } This is what happens when really advanced civilizations get } into "reality TV". Be warned.}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } $ uclisp } loading Uncommon Lisp V 3.1415926535897932 } [1]&gt; (load 'ora) } loading Oracle v 1.4142136 (Artificial Impertinence v. 2.7182818) } [2]&gt; (eq 'this 'love) } NIL } [3]&gt; (subset-p 'this 'love) } NIL } [4]&gt; (superset-p 'this 'love) } NIL } [5]&gt; (intersection-p 'this 'love) } T } (exit) } Bye. } $ } } Part of this is part of love.}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words! > > I am a dutiful son in a Chinese family. All was well > until I realized one day that I am blond, have blue eyes, > and am 6 feet tall, even tho I'm only 15 years old. I > asked my parents about this, but they claim that I'm > "mistaken", that I'm really 5'7 and have black hair. > > I think facts are on my side, as I'm on the varsity > basketball team. And I constantly get teased about > wearing flood pants. > > What's going on here? Am I being secretly groomed for > a life as an itinerant kung fu monk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're mistaken about your blonde hair and blue eyes. Look } at your parents. It's just impossible. Everyone knows that } two Wongs don't make a white. } } You owe the Oracle an order of spring rolls and some clay } pot rice.}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most proficient in the ancient art of > napkin folding, keeper of wisdom and good taste > in furniture, > > if you were stranded on a deserted island, and > could bring one musketeer, one danish cheese > and one popular TV show which would you choose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would choose to kill myself.}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most poetic and lyrical Oracle, the chorus to reality that is > your digests are the music that instills wisdom far and wide, > > Is it possible to have a planet without evil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Countless planets are uninhabited.}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Don't the laws of thermodynamics disprove the theory of > evolution? Doesn't everything go from a state of order to a > state of disorder? For things to evolve, chaos would have > to organize itself into gnus, and redwood trees, and bees.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a common misconception that life, intelligent life especially, } contravenes that law of thermodynamics which is most succinctly } expressed as "Entropy Increases" } } This is, of course, completely wrong. } } Life violates the laws of thermodynamics in the same way that Fire } does, i.e. it doesn't. } } Fire is actually an agent of entropy, it hastens the process. } What seems at first glance to be a reversal of Entropy (a cold, dark } lump of coal producing a hot, bright flame) } is actually entropy in action, as a brief analysis of the ashes a few } hours later will confirm. } } Life, especially intelligent life, does the same, as anyone with a } 3-year-old child can attest. } } You owe The Oracle a horn from Maxwell's Demon, and a photo of } Schroedinger's cat.}}

{{quote|The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Querido Oracle ma's listo, > > There is an FBI official in my bathroom, saying he's part of the war on > terror. How do I get him out? > > Gracias, > su supplicanto

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Flush. } } You owe the Oracle: } A back issue of the Reader's Digest.}}

{{quote|The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is a cow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mu.}}

You owe the Oracle ...
"You owe the Oracle a signed copy of "YMCA.""

"You owe the Oracle a guest shot. Any guest, at random, they all irritate me."

"You owe the Oracle a space-time continuum in which country songs will only play backward."

"You owe the Oracle the ability to heal water and walk on the sick."

"You owe the Oracle an edition of "America's Most Wanted" exposing the Von Trapp Family."

"You owe the Oracle The Pillsbury Doughboy's head on a greased cookie sheet."

"You owe the Oracle a public statement of all your youthful indiscretions. Including the one involving the cheeze-whiz and the toupee."


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