Better Than It Sounds/Film S


 *  : Woman loses her job and her husband after getting in touch with her original contractors.
 *  : Extraterrestrials learn the true meaning of giving after one of their kind gets pummeled with toys for attempting to kill a spirit associated with the winter solstice.
 *  : Tim Allen kills a man and is forced to assume his identity.
 *  : Tim Allen must find a wife as part of the new identity.
 *   : Martin Short takes Tim Allen's new identity via loophole.
 * : Pennsylvania teacher leads rescue team.
 * : Fending off depression, a terminally ill craftsman and his puppet mascot pose puzzles to strangers.
 *  : World is rocked by the mind-blowing effects of a tranquilizer prescribed to pregnant women. Got some really dumb sequels.
 *  : Factory owner has trouble in keeping his workforce.
 * : A man writing a speech that no one will give has an affair with his wife but breaks it off when he falls in love with the same woman. Also, the guy who impersonates Dr. Galazkiewicz in the Bud Light commercials has a fat fetish and an incoherent man with offensive genitalia has lots of sex.
 * : An unemployed middle-aged man steals the identity of a substitute elementary school teacher, and gives the children an unusual curriculum.
 * : An egotistical slacker cheats on his girlfriend and dies.
 * : A survival guide about slasher movies.
 *  : A survival guide about slasher movie sequels.
 *  : A survival guide about slasher movie trilogies.
 *  : A survival guide about slasher movie remakes.
 * : Religiously obsessed diarist fabricates convoluted domino-effect murder/suicide.
 *  : Richard Nixon, completely alone, talks into a tape-recorder in his study for an hour and a half.
 *  : A single mother uses her connections to a shady organization to move her house to a more convenient place.
 *  : A boy is told to not go in the forest, yet does so anyway.
 *  : A commercial for granola bars causes a schizophrenic ninety pound girl and a Shell Shocked Senior to topple a government.
 * : Citizens of an acid-tripped one-road town go on country-wide manhunt for a 10-foot tall adolescent who's run away from foster care.
 * Alternatively, overgrown kid runs away from xenophobic foster family, attempts to hitchhike back to his former home, and is kidnapped and imprisoned by con men. Meanwhile, residents of his old neighborhood go on a manhunt and eventually rescue him. Intended for children.
 * : Said 10-foot-tall adolescent gets locked in the Metropolitan Museum of Art overnight. While everyone goes on a manhunt for him (again), he tries to help conduct a lost soul to the afterlife.
 * : Cliche monster movie with bad acting, horrible CGI and a half-shark half-octopus.
 * : Two slackers discover that the dead have risen and decide to go to the pub.
 * : Man spends years and years damaging public property.
 * : Mildly autistic shut-in matches wits with resurrected peer while attempting to sabotage best friend's engagement.
 * : Mildly autistic shut-in matches wits with math teacher after sabotaging his best friend's honeymoon.
 * : A hotel near some of America's most popular ski resorts shuts down for the Winter and is left in the care of a hallucinating drunk and his insane family.
 *  : A Brit with a carrot fetish has numerous gunfights with a father of one over a baby.
 * Eighty-six minutes of Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti shooting at each other over a baby.
 * : Evil industrial-military cabal uses robot gun to frame world's most awesome special forces sniper for the President's murder. In a turn of events that no-one could have predicted (and driven on by the knowledge that the cabal also killed his dog) the sniper uses his awesome abilities to take them all out one by one - illustrating along the way the inherent danger in various forms of domestic cooking gas supply.
 * : A computer geek and his perpetually horny Indian friend try to rescue a peacenik Weapon of Mass Destruction from technophobic security guard for dissection. Friend To All Animals tries to protect said WoMD from both of them.
 * Alternatively, something originally designed to be a marital aid, now equipped with a deadly laser, wanders away from the place it was created and only convinces it's designer to help after it laughs at one of it's designer's jokes.
 * : A grumpy man and a clingy jackass are sent to fight a dragon due to a zoning dispute.
 * : While said man tries to make his in-laws like him, the metro-sexual son of a fast-food addicted Evil Matriarch tries to steal his wife.
 * Alternatively: A fairy godmother decides to play matchmaker. She must be stopped.
 * : Grumpy man gets afraid of both fatherhood and a future inheritance. Meanwhile, the metro-sexual tries to kill him... with a stage play.
 * : Grumpy man ruins the lives of himself and all his friends because he's dissatisfied with his life.
 * : Conspiracy Theorist wanders around insane asylum during a hurricane; suspects Gandhi of being the mastermind behind the whole thing all along.
 * : A disenchanted preacher's faith in God is renewed by a terrifying alien invasion.
 *  : Woman pursues man who wants to be a woman. There's also a jailbreak.
 *  : Video editor develops obsession with William Blake painting, and is pursued by man with liquid personality. Scheming convict ruins the lives of everyone involved.
 *  : Nice job creating an ecological apocalypse, Homer Simpson.
 * : A famous actor must reinvent himself after the surprising discovery that he can't actually act. His girlfriend has a co-worker try to take credit for her work.
 * : Sita from the the Hindu epic The Ramayana singing songs from the jazz singer Annette Hanshaw.
 * Also: A woman copes with her divorce by reading a story from the country her ex eloped to. Then, she turns both things into an animation. Nearly-Public Domain jazz ensues.
 * : Man with peculiar accent teams up with man with peculiar accent.
 * : A therapist's ghost helps a young boy deal with childhood traumas.
 * : Human Popsicle Woody Allen leads far-future rebellion.
 * : A retarded man makes friends with a young boy.
 *  : Mal and Miri Fight Alien Zombies.
 * : In India, Game Shows are Serious Business.
 * Alternatively, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire The Movie.
 * : Man is exasperated to breaking point by the annoying presence of numerous reptiles with acted-upon Oedipal complexes on board a flying passenger conveyance with a similarly acted-upon Oedipal complex.
 * Or simply:.
 * Exactly What It Says On the Tin: THE MOVIE!
 *  : After a caravan purchase goes wrong, boxing managers end up in a convoluted heist plot with Loads and Loads of Characters dying.
 * : A plucky team of professional bank robbers (but actually, They Fight Crime) get into hot water thanks to their ringleader's old college buddy, who happens to be in the business of triggering global recessions.
 * : Slightly misanthropic nerd gets dumped, gets popular, gets rich and gets sued. Based On a True Story.
 * : Two members of all-girl band are actually fugitives from the mafia. One of them tries to seduce the lead singer.
 *  : Alan Rickman and Mos Def cut open babies. Rickman gets all the credit.
 *  : Two English boys in 1982 remake Sylvester Stallone's First Blood with a VCR Cam-corder.
 * : Family bonds and resists a dictatorship with the aid of musical numbers.
 * Or: A love triangle that pits a former nun against a noblewoman over a man that is also the father of the former nun's charges. One of the charges is dating a Nazi soldier. The former nun teaches the man to loosen up and to love, through the power of sickly sweet noise.
 * Or: A stuffy aristocrat marries a nun Reassigned to Antarctica because she makes his kids dress up in drapes. Later the other nuns wreck a car because they would do anything to get rid of her.
 * : Owing to over-sensitivity about a movie with bad language, an interfering parent starts World War III. Meanwhile, Satan has boyfriend difficulties, and a young boy tries to discover what the clitoris is in order to impress his girlfriend.
 * : In a World destroyed by our refusal to commit mass murder on an unprecedented scale, everyone's a cannibal.
 * : Guy is asked to fix device based on a design of his, and invites three old buddies for the mission.
 * : An athlete gets sucked through a golf hole in order to help Talking Animal play basketball.
 *  : Actor gets fired, and decides to help a failed stuntman find his father.
 * : Two guys in a Winnebago rescue a Rebellious Princess and her maid. After visiting a midget who is trying to make some money with merchandising, they fight air-stealing aliens who have a bunch of Assholes working for them.
 * : A bunch of rebellious slaves impersonate their leader.
 *  : Police officer earns enmity of embittered retiree who forces him to use swift-moving public transportation.
 * Or: Woman has to drive bus really fast.
 *  : Large companies manipulate the stock market to maximize their return. The impact this has on sport is investigated.
 * : Due to bug bite and money not paid, teenager loses his uncle. This causes him to later fight the father of a friend who dresses very oddly.
 * : Crime-fighter forgets abilities due to stress. Meanwhile nuclear physicist is possessed by his creation.
 * : Alien turns crime-fighter into aggressive man who does Tony Manero impressions.
 * Or: Alien turns hero into aggressive man, then takes control of Eric Forman
 * : A girl rescues her parents from a greedy old woman with an over-sized head by working in a bath house.
 * : Jonas Quinn and his Ragtag Bunch of Misfits blow up a factory and kill Hitler's radioactive mutant. ...Actually, that sounds pretty cool.
 * : Some minority kids study for a math test.
 * : Over two hours of staring at model spaceships. New captain investigates mechanical space probe. He lets it absorb him to get rid of it. Meanwhile much Ho Yay is had.
 * : Captain and war criminal have a scenery-eating contest. The budget was cut to TV movie levels, and one of the cast agreed to get killed off because he was convinced the series was hitting a dead end.
 * : A big excuse to bring back someone who died in the previous installment. It had to be done--that someone's spirit was driving his rival crazy. Aesops are broken along the way.
 * : Seven military officers facing court martial look for whales so they can fly them into the sun. Hilarity Ensues.
 * Or: Back to The Future in a star ship. And with whales.
 * : William Shatner fights God. Shatner wins.
 * : The Iron Curtain comes down IN SPACE!
 * Or: Shakespeare in the Sky With Klingons.
 *  : William Shatner is rescued from Paradise by a Frenchman with a British accent. He dies shortly thereafter.
 *  : To prevent parasitoid-like cyborgs from screwing up history, military officers help an alcoholic pilot a spaceship.
 *  : A Large Ham with a nice sofa attempts to quit his plastic surgery addiction. Our heroes must prevent this and save a planet sparsely populated with supermodels. An android starts shooting people because he's having a fit of ethics.
 *  : The Frenchman with a British accent is cloned, but whoever did it forgot to fix the genetic problems that the original had already fixed. A "clone" of the android is also found. The original android jumps between two starships to fix everything for his captain.
 *  : Lots of Lens Flare and a time-traveling miner press the Reset Button on over 40 years of media. They kept the ham. However, some Nakamas are simply meant to be.
 *  : This was described in some TV listings which took brevity too far: "A farm-boy seeks his destiny."
 * Two groups of space wizards can't get along and keep minding everyone else's business. The rest of the galaxy goes to absurd lengths to humor them.
 *  : Two warrior monks and a none-too-bright amphibian defend a 14-year-old Queen from a trade embargo by a mysterious, shadowy, troublesome entity.
 *  : Assassination attempt on politician leads to overwrought sexual tension and protracted offensive deployment involving replicated individuals.
 *  : The greatest hero of all time betrays his comrades, murders his wife and conquers all known civilizations, despite his protracted denial. Evil Overlord gets vindication for past grievances.
 *  : The world's nascent chance of salvation is a boy who farms water in a desert, has inappropriate sexual attraction to his sister, and kills millions through the use of faulty safety regulations and the voices in his head.
 *  : Corrupt government counter-attacks. Boy learns mystical powers from a Muppet with a speech impediment, then gets his hand cut off by his long-lost father.
 * Alternatively:
 *  : Mystical, heroic figures come back after a long absence. The highly advanced villains are defeated by an army of teddy bears with spears.
 * : Feckless spacemen from the future get stuck in the present, rebuild their fleet through Russian manpower. They travel to another dimension and party with some other spacemen.
 *  : Archaeologist shares candy with aliens. Then they rebel against GOD!
 *  : Boy joins the army so he can visit new places, see lots of bugs, and kill them.
 * Or: An Alien Invasion, from the perspective of the invaders.
 *  : Shaquille 'O Neal and friends in a junkyard try to stop Evil Plan of John Bender.
 *  : The family life of a man who likes building little houses unravels around him.
 *  : A man leaves an asylum, settles down with a new family and must deal with nosy neighbors and other such busybodies.
 *  : A man leaves another asylum, has plastic surgery and marries a woman whose handicapped son hates him. Starts screwing around on the side and works in greenhouse using special fertilizer.
 * : Washed-up old rock stars try and pretend they're still big.
 * : A Vietnam vet on the run from the cops accidentally kills a man, then agrees to become an actor in a cheesy World War I movie. He falls in love, while Peter O'Toole proceeds to screw with his head (and the heads of the audience).
 * : Loser who deals in illicit goods has trouble letting go of the past and getting over his ex-girlfriend. An Action Girl limo driver with a crush on him, two corrupt police officers and a psychotic rapist-murderer help him move on.
 *  : A writer starts messing with an IRS agent's life.
 *  : Dustin Hoffman kills the guys who did his roofing.
 *  : A man with bad table manners screams his wife's name and rapes his crazy sister-in-law. It won a lot of Oscars.
 *  : Guy rescues his ex-girlfriend from bikers. Lots of music plays. There's a duel with sledgehammers.
 * : The American dream is ruined by a dancing chicken.
 *  : Girl plots escape from mental asylum by fighting monsters in her dreams while dancing.
 * '': Man discovers a few politicians who miss the Cold War in an unhealthy way.
 *  : Man attempts to murder his wife so that he can run off with his mistress, but backs out at the last second. Not only does he suffer no lasting consequences for this, his wife instantly forgives him, and it actually ends up rejuvenates their failing marriage.
 *  : Boy meets girl. Girl wants him to write script for her. Boy writes script with other girl instead. Boy dies.
 * : Bomb with eight people on board flies into sun. The people begin to die.
 * Alternatively: Eight people want to blow up the biggest landmark known to Man. Guy with really bad sunburn tries to stop them.
 *   Children make a movie, but things get worse. Problems are solved only when a spaceship destroys a water tower.
 *  : Young man from Kansas goes on a trek to the Arctic after his adoptive father's death. He then disregards his birth father's advice and saves woman from crashing helicopter. Meanwhile, wig-wearing man attempts to make a killing in real estate.
 * Alternately: A young immigrant protects the city he loves from a real estate agent.
 *  : After romantic get-away with his girlfriend, young man discovers that old acquaintances of his father have arrived in town at the worst possible time for him. This results in another Arctic trek, followed by battle in which a removable plastic seal plays a significant role.
 *  : Man hooks up with his old high-school girlfriend and experiences identity crisis after being given a rock partially made from tar.
 *  : Man engages in self-appointed one-man nuclear disarmament program and comes into conflict with another man made from a strand of his hair. A woman demonstrates the ability to breathe in space. For many, exactly as bad as it sounds.
 *  : Man returns from extended fact-finding mission to learn his ex-girlfriend is in a relationship with someone else and has a kid. This results in him following her and listening in to her conversations a lot. Meanwhile, an ex-convict plans another unscrupulous real-estate deal.
 * : A pair of plumbers visit an alternate dimension and save the world. Based on a hit video game series. For most, as bad as it sounds.
 * : Guy constantly eats same type of food. He gains weight.
 * : The fictionalized story of a famous American musical band, acted out entirely with Barbie dolls.
 * : A barber who wants his revenge on a corrupt judge murders his clients so that his landlady who is secretly in love with him can make pies out of them and sell them. They sing a lot.
 * Alternatively: A love/hatred dodecahedron between a barber, his wife, his landlady, a judge, the barber's daughter and a sailor boy. Blood and singing ensues.
 * Or: Willy Wonka exacts revenge on Snape, but to do so he has to kill Borat. Meanwhile, Bellatrix Lestrange sticks weird things into her pie(s).
 * : Insecure Hollywood studio dogsbody resorts to home invasion and paper cuts in protest of unreasonably specific coffee orders.
 * : A director plays God on a soundstage and everybody dies, despite life being worse outside.