Hurricane of Euphemisms

""He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's shuffled off this mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! This is an EX-PARROT!''""

- Mr. Praline, Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Parrot Sketch

When someone lets off a string of euphemisms, synonyms, and/or translations from other languages to emphasize a point.

A subtrope of Rapid Fire Comedy. Often use to mock and/or subvert Never Say Die. Similar to Hurricane of Puns. Compare Freudian Slippery Slope. Contrast Cluster F Bomb.

Advertising

 * This advert gives us a hurricane of Visual Puns... it may take a while for the penny to drop. (It's for .)

Anime & Manga
""What's a blow job?"
 * Futari Ecchi:

"That's... fellatio... fella-chan?... lip service..."

"Lick-suck... flute play... chirp-chirp-lick-lick..."

"Stop it!""


 * (also... fella-chan?)
 * (great porn star name)
 * The real beauty of that is that the usual onomatopoeia for "chirp chirp" in Japanese is "chin-chin", which doubles as a childish way to say "penis".

Comic Books
"Loki: What brings me here... to the kingdom of the dead... ulp! Does this mean I have... passed away?
 * Captain Haddock of Tintin loves to hurl hurricanes of obscure euphemisms at his enemies.
 * This was originally to please the Moral Guardians, as Hergé couldn't have his character using foul language in a comic read by children. Then it became a definite quirk of the personage.
 * All of Haddock's curses can be found here, in alphabetical order.
 * Zodon from PS 238 does this a fair bit... or would, if that "Barry Ween" chip didn't translate all his swearwords into non-offensive terms, and actual hurricanes into excerpts from show tunes.
 * In The Savage Dragon, when Super Tough, after years of being Trapped in Another World, reunites with his former sidekick Mace AKA Young Tough , they greet each other with a passionate kiss, prompting Noble Bigot With a Badge Howard Niseman to spend the whole rest of the scene in the background muttering euphemisms for "gay".
 * In the thirteenth Valhalla album, when Loki upon finding himself in the underworld tries to ask Hel if he's really dead or not, he uses every every possible euphemism for "death," only to have her completely misunderstand them all, until he breaks down and screams the real word. Translated and paraphrased:

Hel: Away? You're right here.

Loki: Have I found my peace?

Hel: You don't look very peaceful.

Loki: Ceased to breathe?

Hel: Doesn't sound like it.

Loki: Kicked the bucket?

Hel: What bucket?

Loki: Danced the last dance... perished... pushing up the daisies... snuffed out... croaked... Am I DEAD, damn it?!"



Film
"Pilot: Dick! Dick, take a look out starboard.
 * Beautifully subverted in The Marx Brothers' Horsefeathers, in which Groucho tries to tell Harpo that he can't burn the candle at both ends - Harpo produces a candle burning at both ends. Groucho tries another, Harpo produces, etc...
 * Dr. Evil in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me escapes into space in a rocket that has a more-than-passing resemblance to a giant--

Dick: Oh my God. It looks like a huge--

Woman: Pecker!... Wait, that's not a woodpecker, that looks like someone's--

Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with--

Baseball Umpire: Two balls. (looking up from game) What is that. It looks just like an enormous--

Teacher: Wang. pay attention.

Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying--

Musician: Willie.

Willie: Yeah?

Musician: What's that?

Willie: (squints) Well, that looks like a huge--

Colonel: Johnson.

Johnson: Yes, sir?"

"Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge--
 * Subverted at the beginning of another hurricane on the same subject at the end of the film:

Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or--

Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?

Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?

Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big--

Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?... Lord Almighty!

Woman: That looks just like my husband's--

Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!

Cyclops: RARRR. Hey, what's that? It looks like a--

Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?

Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!

Fan: It's so huge.

Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's--

Dr. Evil: Just a little prick."

"Ozzy Osbourne: Boobs! They did this same thing in the last movie."
 * Done again and lampshaded in the third movie with the satellite that looks like a pair of giant--

"Fletcher: ... you had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? Didn't you?! LIAR!
 * From Liar Liar, Fletcher Reede attempting to ask a witness a question he knows will result in a lie (and even that he has proven incapable of doing)... and finally snapping and actually badgering a confession out of his own witness:

Opposing Counsel: He's badgering the witness!

Judge Stevens: It's his witness.

Fletcher: You slammed her, you dunked her donut, you gave her dog a Snausage! You stuffed her like a Thanksgiving turkey! (starts jumping up and down and making gobbling noises)"

"Murray: Your man Christian is a cakeboy! He's a disco dancing, Oscar Wilde reading, Streisand ticket holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?"
 * In American Beauty, Lester Burnham lets loose with a short one of these at his wife when she catches him, ah... "saying hi to his monster".
 * Robin Williams does this in Patch Adams to cheer up a dying patient who'd proven inconsolable, using a string of euphemisms for dying to tickle the morbid funny bone.
 * Donald Faison's character does this in Clueless to illustrate that Cher's "boyfriend" is gay.

"Sigfried: Would you stop talking about his penis?
 * Four Rooms, the Second Room: The Bellhop is trapped with an armed man and his wife tied to a chair, mistaken for the wife's lover.

Angela: How can I stop talking about something that's so huge? I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, hump mobile, oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbassa, schlong, dink, tool, big ben, Mr. Happy, Peter Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, piston joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, junior, little head, little guy, rumple foreskin, tootsie roll, love muscle, skin flute, roto-rooter, snake, hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby, schmeck, schmuck, schvantze, ying-yang, yang..."

"Miss Davis: "Can anyone tell me a common slang term for the male erection?"
 * The closing Hilarious Outtakes reel in Grumpy Old Men features various different sexual euphemisms that Burgess Meredith had his character utter in different takes of the same scene. While technically not a use of this trope, the way they're edited and presented together in rapid succession gives it much the same effect.
 * Varsity Blues had this gem, set in a sex ed. class:

Student: "Boner? Is boner one?"

Miss Davis: "Yes! Boner is good, boner is very good! Moxon, how about you?"

Jonathon "Mox" Moxon: The male erection. Pitchin' a tent, sportin' a wood, stiffie, flesh rocket, tall tommy, Mr. Morbis, the march is on, icicle has formed, Jack's magic beanstalk, rigor mortis has set in, Mr. Mushroom-head, mushroom on a stick, purple headed yogurt slinger... Oh, and Pedro."

Miss Davis: "...Pedro?"

Mox: "Yeah, uh huh.""

"Dante Hicks: 'Porch monkey' is a racial slur against black people!
 * Theres Something About Mary has a Hurricane Of Euphemisms for A Date With Rosie Palms.
 * In Teen Witch, the teacher of a sex ed class holds up a rolled-up umbrella and asks the students to guess what it represents. One of them responds: "A Roger. A love one. Joystick, dong, zipper-lizard, tallywhacker, trouser-snake, schlong!"
 * Clerks 2 features what is more accurately described as a Hurricane of Dysphemisms:

Randal Graves: Oh it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, those are racial slurs against black people!"

"Kuzco: Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
 * The Emperors New Groove:

Yzma: Fired? W-W-What do you mean, "fired"?

[Kuzco snaps his finger and a servant comes in and writes down Yzma's "pink slip"]

Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? "You're being let go." "Your department's being downsized." "You're part of an outplacement." "We're going in a different direction." "We're not picking up your option." Take your pick. I got more."

"Joe Miller: Are you a homosexual?... Answer the question! Are you a homo? A faggot, a punk? A queen, pillow biter, fairy? Booty snatcher? Rump roaster? ARE YOU GAY?"
 * Done for dramatic effect in Philadelphia.

"Ernest P. Worrell: Like in real, really, really, really, really real prison? The hoose-gow, the slammer, the joint, Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing, Oh no. I'm in... I'm in... jaiiiiiiil!"
 * Ernest Goes to Jail:

"Jackson Curtis: I was listening to the broadcast and I was wondering what is exactly that's gonna start in Hollywood?
 * Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson) describing what the Apocalypse is in 2012.

Charlie Frost: It's the apocalypse. End of days. The Judgment Day, the end of the world, my friend. Christians called it the rapture, but the Mayans knew about it, the Hopis, the I Ching, the Bible, kind of..."

"Dolores: It's a rotgut room. Holdover from Prohibition.
 * Who Framed Roger Rabbit:

Roger: Oh, I get it. A speakeasy, a gin mill, a hooch parlour!"

""Mah biscuits are burnin'! Fire in the hatch! Great horny toads, that smarts!""
 * Earlier, Yosamite Sam experiences a Rump Roast;

Literature
"Marco: You ever notice how many different ways there are to say "throwing up"? There's vomiting, of course. Hurling. Tossing your cookies. Puking, a classic. Ralphing...There's cascading. But I prefer the terms that are more real. Like blowing chunks. Spewing your guts. Tangoing with the toilet. That's a good one. Technicolor yawn.""
 * In one of the Time Warp Trio books, every time someone tries to say they're going to throw up, another character interrupts with a different euphemism: "toss your cookies", "ride the porcelain bus", "make a sidewalk pizza"...
 * Partial example in The Colour of Magic, where it's caused by Twoflower reading out all the synonymous alternatives suggested by his phrasebook at once.
 * Marco in Animorphs had a number of "vomit" euphemisms in one book.

""You mean take a dive, take a fall, throw the fight-"
 * Welkin Weasels: Poynt wants Falshed to make sure a boxer he's bet against loses, and Falshed tries to start a euphemism hurricane:

"Any of those will do, so long as he makes it look good.""

"Harry: He doesn't believe in using surgically altered... uh... You know.
 * The humor book A Guy's Guide to Dating has five full pages of euphemisms for A Date With Rosie Palms, from "adjusting the set" to "yanking the yo-yo," and including such gems as "dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters," "being your own best friend," "sheathin' the heathen," and many others.
 * In Tom Sharpe's black satire of life in apartheid South Africa, Indecent Exposure, the Nazi-inclined psychiatrist Dr von Blimenstein has to deal with a hysterical and sexually repressed Afrikaaner woman who is suffering from that common phobia, Blackcock Fever. Unable even to say the word penis, the patient resorts to euphemism as the (not) good doctor pretends ignorance: They've got such big ones. Hoo-has. Whatsits. Wibbledy wands. Pork swords. Knobs. Pee. Are. Eye. See. Kay. Spells "prick!" The root of the patient's anxiety is fear she is going to be raped when the blacks eventually rise in rebellion against apartheid combined with sexual repression. (This summarises three pages of hysterically funny dialogue on pp 172-175 of the paperback edition).
 * In The Dresden Files book Blood Rites, Harry and Murphy are discussing a porn director that Harry is working a case for. At one point he brings up the director's aversion to using breast implants in his films.

Murphy: Boobs? Jugs? Hooters? Ya-yas?

Harry: I guess.

Murphy: Melons? Torpedoes? Tits? Gazongas? Knockers? Ta-tas?

Harry: Hell's bells, Murph!"

Live Action TV
"Interviewer: You are a paedophile. You are a nonce. You're a perv. You're a slot badger. You're a two pin din plug. You're a bush dodger. You're a small bean regarder. You're a unabummer. You're a nut administrator. You're a bent ref. You're The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. You're a fence vole. You're a free willy. You're a chimney bottler. You're a bunty man. You're a shrub rocketeer.
 * The page quote is from the legendary Dead Parrot sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus.
 * Many other sketches had similar lines. John Cleese and Graham Chapman would often write sketches together, using a thesaurus to come up with many ways of saying the same thing. This was later lampshaded by Eric and Graham, when, during one sketch where Eric (in drag) is naming off different ways to say "predict". A board comes down with a list of all the words he's saying, and the audience reads them off at the same time while Graham (also in drag) points to them.
 * The above sketch was written by Terry Jones and Michael Palin as a parody of the Cleese/Chapman. Terry and Michael were incredibly surprised when the group decided it was still funny enough to be filmed.
 * The beginning of Cleese's eulogy for Chapman: "Graham Chapman, co-author of the 'Parrot Sketch', is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky."
 * The Bill featured Sgt. Gilmore (who was gay) in his first episode reeling off a long list of euphemisms for "gay".
 * Life On Mars also features Gene Hunt (who's not gay and is more like homophobic) doing a shorter, more offensive list of gay euphemisms.
 * Stargate SG-1: Jack O'Neill in "Window of Opportunity" saying, "Lose it. It means, go crazy... nuts... insane... bonzo... no longer in possessions of one's faculties... three fries short of a Happy Meal... WACKO!"
 * Along with a fantastic illustration.
 * From the Brass Eye pedophile special, with increasingly bizarre made-up euphemisms:

Paedophile: Yes well, you know, you've just mentioned some of the names that we have to put up with every day and it's just another form of racism."

"The Doctor: If I have to endure another insult--
 * While probably not humorous, on Doctor Who the Sixth Doctor (played by Colin Baker) has a habit of using such streams of related terms, especially when frustrated or angry. In one Big Finish audio adventure, a character says that talking to the Doctor is "like arguing with a bloody thesaurus!"
 * Another example from the same argument in the audio:

Banto Zane: Oh here we go, another voyage round the English language..."

"Guinan: That's it, isn't it? You don't have any idea what a joke is.
 * Which is probably a nod to the serial The Trial of a Time Lord, which revels in thesaurus abuse.
 * Data was known to do this in earlier seasons of Star Trek the Next Generation.

Data: Of course I do. It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot, a fluctuation of words which concludes with a "trick" ending, it is..."

"Forrester: Frank, once again I'm going to have to kill you.
 * As does fellow robot Kryten in Red Dwarf, especially when annoyed.
 * Polly of Fawlty Towers does this to inform Basil that the new chef has gotten drunk while attempting to hide the same fact from the guests by following each euphemism with something that might reasonably be the object of said euphemism: "potted the shrimp", "soused the herrings", "pickled the onions", and "smashed the eggs". Under the table...
 * Mystery Science Theater 3000: At the end of Episode 320 (The Unearthly), TV's Frank pesters Dr. Forrester to do his Leo Gorcey impersonation:

Frank: You wanna run that by me one more time?

Forrester: I'll run that by you one more time! (hitting Frank with his hat) Yeah, you know... kill... boost... ice... wax... skrag... douse... stifle... eighty-six... slip the Rosco... chill... dust... yank... toss a little kickshaw... raja..."

"Joel: It's got bright-colored air fresheners that hang from strings, they stimulate baby's tiny brain, while the movement of the mobile activates charcoal filters, covering up the foul odor of baby's checher, ca-ca, po-po, nimbus, BM, and poopies.
 * Joel gets in one of these earlier in the same season, explaining his Invention Exchange for Episode 307, the Air Freshener Mobile:

Servo: ... checher?

Crow: ... nimbus?"


 * The IT Crowd: Played straight, and later Metaphorgotten by Douglas: "Well, I'm the boss, head honcho, el numero uno, Mr. Big, the Godfather, Lord of the Rings, the Bourne Identity, er... Taxi Driver, Jaws... Forgot the question a while ago."

"House: You mix rocking, grunting, sweating, and dystonia with concerned parents and you get an amateur diagnosis of epilepsy. In actuality, all your little girl is doing is saying "yoo hoo" to the hoo-hoo.
 * House uses one of these to explain a child's odd behaviour to her mother:

Mother: She's what?

House: Marching the penguin. Ya-ya-ing the sisterhood. Finding Nemo.

Girl: That was funny.

House: It's called gratification disorder. Sort of a misnomer. If one was unable to gratify oneself, that would be a disorder.

Mother: (covering the girl's ears) Are you saying she's masturbating?

House: I was trying to be discreet. There's a child in the room!"

"Stuart: Because I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm homosexual. I'm a poof, I'm a poofter, I'm a ponce. I'm a bumboy, batty-boy, backside artist, bugger. I'm bent. I am that arsebandit. I lift those shirts. I'm a faggot-ass, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing uphill gardener. I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom. I'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks. I fuck and I am fucked. I suck and I am sucked. I rim them and wank them, and every single man's had the fucking time of his life. And I am not a pervert."
 * Speaking of Finding Nemothere was the talk Uncle Andy gave to Shane in Weeds about the same subject.
 * Queer As Folk: After Stuart's preteen nephew tries to blackmail him for being gay (Stuart's parents don't know) and with false accusations of paedophilia, Stuart corners him in front of the entire family and outs himself with a long stream of euphemisms and cacophemisms for homosexuality.

"AL: More about Tina?
 * When Monk believed he had been accidentally exposed to marijuana, he spent a few minutes naming slang words for the drugs, all almost all of them made up.
 * A sometime-Catch Phrase used by Steve Urkel--whenever he made what he thought what a casual declaration of something, and people replied "Whaaaa?", he would reply with a Hurricane of Euphemisms.
 * When Sam switched places with Dr Ruth on Quantum Leap, Al took advantage of her presence in the waiting room to have a therapy session about his hangups:

Dr. Ruth: Uh-huh.

AL: Ah -- well -- ummm -- oh well, ha-ha-ha, she's got... great... casabas!

Dr. Ruth: What are these... casabas?

AL: Well you know... melons, ho-has, honkers, hooters, headlights, ah-- ta-tas? teeters, tweeters, tom-toms, tee-tees? [His face is all contorted trying to say just one word -- LOL]

Dr. Ruth: Say it!

AL: I'm trying to say it! Meatballs, mangos, cream pies, cupcakes, eh -- bangers, bouncers, bolumbas!

Dr. Ruth: Al!

AL: Bazongas! BREASTS! ...I said it! [With a very self-satisfied look on his face]

Dr. Ruth: You see, it wasn't that hard.

AL: Yes it was."

"Randy: Well...they wear lots of makeup...
 * Saturday Night Live: Wayne'sWorld would frequently do this when discussing vomiting, including in the movie.
 * One SNL sketch had series regular Randy Quaid trying to tell Pee-Wee Herman that he needs to get a prostitute, without coming out and saying it:

Pee-Wee: Clowns!

Randy: No...let's just say you'd be embarrassed to be seen with one...

Pee-Wee: (nodding gravely) Mimes!"

"Naomi: So, Katie, you gonna be nice to me now we're Twister pals? I promise not to grab your minge and everything.
 * This goes on for a while until Pee-Wee finally says "Well, I don't get it; maybe you should just go see a hooker!"
 * Naomi and Katie do this for lesbianism in front of Emily in Skins. It's a rather awkward and painful sequence, as Katie thinks Naomi's gay (she's not - certainly at the time, and even by the end of the series she doesn't get past "confused"), while Naomi strongly (and rightly) suspects that Emily actually is gay, and Emily is nursing an epic crush on Naomi (which Naomi knows about, and isn't exactly pleased with until a couple of episodes later).

Katie: Okay, ha ha. Hands off the muff and we're sorted.

Naomi: Gotcha. No buffing the beaver.

Katie: No groping the growler.

Naomi: Don't tickle on my tinkle.

Katie: Okay, I won't fluff up your flange.

Emily: * hurt* You done?

Katie: Yep. We're double done with the DNA dump."

"Ali: We all know that it's called the bionic, the bomb, the puff, the blow, the black, the herb, the sensie, the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane, the shit, Ganja, split, reefa, the bad, the buddha, the home grown, the ill, the maui-maui, the method, pot, lethal turbo, tie, shake, skunk, stress, whacky, weed, glaze, the boot, dimebag, Scooby Doo, bob, bogey, back yard boogie. But what is the other terms for it?"
 * The autistic JJ also tends to launch into one of these whenever he gets locked on.
 * One Opening Monologue of Mock the Week concerning a police officer who joined in on a couple having sex in their car straddled this and Hurricane of Puns very quickly indeed. And very well.
 * The whole point of the Whose Line Is It Anyway game, If You Know What I Mean.
 * Ali G, about drugs:

"Phoebe: In the cab on the way over, Steve blazed a doobie.
 * On Friends when one of Monica's prospective catering clients gets baked before coming to dinner.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Smoked a joint, ya know, lit a bone, weed, hemp, ganja.

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I know. Okay, I'm with you Cheech."

""At four o'clock, an evil man made his bed and lay in it, a pot called a kettle black, a stone-thrower broke the windows of his glass house. You look for this one under 'F' for fanatic, and 'J' for justice...in the Twilight Zone.""
 * The closing narrative for the Twilight Zone episode "Four O'Clock" features a string of euphemisms for Laser Guided Karma:

"Zelda: Hilda, we've been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led down the primrose path and shoved into a thicket of thorns.
 * Corner Gas has an episode where Wanda uses several euphemisms for jail, confusing and annoying Brent.
 * On Game of Thrones, when Tyrion is called to confess his crimes, he confesses that when he was twelve, "I milked my eel, I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage, I made the bald man cry." And he did it into his sister's stew.
 * Sabrina the Teenage Witch when Zelda finds out that Morgan has been manipulating her and Hilda.

Hilda: Huh?"

"Good God in heaven, Newbie. There are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never. Not in a million years. Absolutely not. No way, Jose. No chance, Lance. Nyet. Negatori. Mm-mm. Nuh-uh. Uh-uh. And of course, my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff. Noooooooooo!"
 * In Scrubs, episode "My Brother, Where Art Thou?" (03x05) J.D. asks Dr. Cox for a favor. Reply is:

"10. Checked into the Wooden Waldorf.
 * Some of David Letterman's Top Ten lists qualify. Example, "The Top Ten Mafia Euphemisms for Death":

9. No longer eligible for the census.

8. Dropping both AT&T and MCI.

7. Your highway taxes at work.

6. Upcoming guest on 20/20.

5. He's fallen and he can't get up.

4. Resting his organs.

3. McRibs (for a limited time only).

2. Kicked the oxygen habit.

1. Bought a Yugo."

"Ida: He wanted children.
 * In the Psych episode "Santabarbaratown", when Shawn and Gus are interviewing someone connected to the case:

Gus: And you didn't?

Ida: Let's just say they weren't in the cards for him.

Shawn: Meaning what?

Ida: His juice had no pulp. His seed wasn't fruitful. He was pouring decaf. Pumping unleaded. His Hall had no Oates. He was sterile!

Shawn: Oh! Sure."

Music
"Eric Idle as A Guy Who Is Totally Not Supposed To Be Noel Coward:
 * "Pound Sign #?* !" as sung by Kevin Fowler is an example of this. The whole song basically lists euphemisms for curse words the narrator is no longer allowed to say now that he has small children at home.
 * Sir Mix a Lot's "Baby Got Back" is basically a Hurricane of Euphemisms, though he has the advantage in that he's not always describing a woman's backside.
 * Singer Voltaire's "Sexy Data Tango" is one long string of this.
 * Roy Zimmerman's song "Firing the Surgeon General" is a Hurricane of Euphemisms for masturbation. (The title is a reference to Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, who was fired after proposing that frank discussion of the topic should be part of sex education.)
 * A verse of the song "Bring On The Men" from Jerkyll and Hyde is made of this.
 * "The Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang. That is all.
 * In the same vein, by the same artist, "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo". It contains some of the most... interesting sex euphemisms this troper has ever heard.
 * ..."Squishmitten?"
 * "Hypocrite, four-flusher, snake in the grass, just a swindler, a wolf in sheep's clothing... LIAR!" -- "All Is Forgiven", Jellyfish.
 * 99 Words For Boobs
 * Working Where the Sun Don't Shine (The Colorectal Surgeon's Song)
 * The "Not Noel Coward Song" from Monty Pythons the Meaning of Life is another Hurricane of Euphemisms for the same organ.

''Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis

Isn't it frightfully good to own a dong

It's swell to have a stiffy, it's divine to own a dick

from the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick!

So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas

Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake

Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend, your percy or your cock

You can wrap it up in ribbons or you can stick it in your sock

But don't take it out in public or they'll put you in the dock

And you won't a-come a-back.''"

"''The lights are on but nobody's home, my elevator doesn't go to the top
 * sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel. The entire song is made of euphemisms.
 * The Barenaked Ladies have some fun with this in the aptly titled "Crazy":

I'm not playing with a full deck, I've lost my marbles...

I'm a few bricks short of a load but then a full load always hurt my back

I flew over the cuckoo's nest and I'm never ever coming back...''"


 * Queen's "I'm Going Slightly Mad" is filled with euphemisms for insanity.

New Media

 * TV Tropes Wiki: The opening to the Deus Sex Machina and Band of Brothels articles.
 * And No Periods Period.
 * This Cracked.com article combines this trope and Stealth Pun throughout.

Stand-up Comedy
""Well, you know what they say about John, anyway."
 * Dylan Moran does a brilliant routine in his 'Monster' DVD about how people use stupid euphemisms which there's no hope of guessing, where he enacts this conversation:

"No I don't. Wh—what do they say?"

"Well, you know, apparently he's, uh, he's, you know, he's... [cocks leg]

"I'm sorry, what are talking about?"

"You knoooow! If I have to spell it out, apparently he's... you know, still picking up twigs in the springtime. [raises eyebrows] Oh yes, one of Yul Brunner's hairdressers. Likes his toast done on three sides, yes."

[Now exasperated] "What ARE you talking about?!""


 * British stand-up comedian Jasper Carrott has a bit where he goes through an unfeasibly long list of euphemisms for sex, breasts and the penis. It is GENIUS.
 * ... and those are the things you can say on television!!
 * George Carlin had a great bit about this.
 * He uses another one during his famous 7 Words You Can't Say on TV routine.

Theater
""Are you fond of poker, dear? Kindly tell me if so."
 * In Fröken Fleggmans mustasch the death of one of the characters is greeted by a series of these by three of the other characters. Each time one of them uses a euphemism for dying the others respond "What?", as if not understanding what it means. In the end another character says "He is dead", to which they all respond "What?!" in great surprise. (The whole thing runs on Rule of Funny.)
 * In the Cole Porter musical Du Barry Was A Lady, Du Barry and Louie have a duet that is literally NOTHING BUT this trope. For verse after verse.

"Yes, I'm fond of poker, dear...but in the morning, no."

"Do you ante up, my dear? Kindly tell me if so."

"Yes, I ante up, my dear...but in the morning, no."

"Can you fill an inside straight? Kindly tell me if so."

"I've filled plenty inside straight...but in the morning, no.""


 * Older Than Steam: In The Merchant of Venice, Launcelot Gobbo uses a few unusual euphemisms to imply that his father was unchaste: "...for indeed, my father did something smack, something grow to, he had a kind of taste..."

Video Games
"Oghren: So. With the boss, aye?
 * Saints Row itself is practically a Hurricane of Euphemisms for various sex-related subjects, but the most concentrated form is the radio-commercials for Freckle Bitches' (a fast-food chain that combines features of McDonalds and Wendy's), who expounds on their various menus including their large trademark burger, "The Fist", a two-burger menu called "The Twins", and their kiddie-meals, the Funbags, who comes with two jugs of your favorite juices, and a surprise -- this week, for the girls, it's a genuine pearl necklace!
 * There is a truly horrific/hilarious sex scene in Tsukihime that's completely made up of seafood (in the original Japanese) or Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors (in the english translation) metaphors. This is why mirror-moon created the Non-ero version.
 * In Dragon Age, if the female PC romances Alistair, one of Oghren's party banter conversations with Alistair in the party goes like this:

Alistair: Pardon?

Oghren: You and the boss. Rolling your oats.

Alistair: I don't know--

Oghren: Polishing the footstones.

Alistair: --what you're--

Oghren: Tapping the midnight still, if you will.

Alistair: What are you going on about?

Oghren: Forging the moaning statue. Bucking the forbidden horse. Donning the velvet hat.

Alistair: Are you just making these up right now?

Oghren: Nope. Been saving 'em."


 * Isabela's banter in Dragon Age II is full of these, especially with Merrill and Aveline.
 * Nine Hours Nine Persons Nine Doors. The Elevator Scene, which can be played here.
 * In Kingdom of Loathing, the monsters found at The Hole in the Sky are all constellations, mostly named after euphemisms for genitalia, because the Astronomers of the Times of Old were all incredibly immature. Potential opponents include The Burrowing Bishop, The Family Jewels, The Hooded Warrior, The Junk, One-Eyed Willie, The Pork Sword, The Skinflute, The Trouser Snake, The Twig and Berries, The Axe Wound, The Beaver, The Box, The Bush, The Camel's Toe, The Flange, The Honey Pot, The Little Man in the Canoe, and The Muff. The only monster than doesn't fit this theme is The Astronomer, because the Astronomers of the Times of Old were also incredibly egotistical.

Web Animation
"Grandma: Oh, you know. Here and there. Out and around. Round and about. Hither and thither - to and fro, back and forth, up and down, in and out. Over-and-under, hippity-hoppity, round the corner over the river and through the woods, lickety-split, clocking the G's, grinding the ax, up to no good, nip in the bud, good 'n plenty, lollygagging around making the rounds painting the town red. Packing a load, hugging a tree skinnin' the dog skip to my loo sowing my oats passing a stone, shooting the breeze jumping the fence! Humping the horse dancing a jig spinning a yarn sipping the cider! Flexing the pecs lubin' my do packing the feed licking the chicken pinching the pennies! Do-si-do...
 * Leland's grandma lets loose with a completely nonsensical string of euphemisms after Tran asks where she'll be taking them for her errands. The torrent of euphemisms lasts for an astonishing 35 seconds, and only about 1/4 of them actually relate to Tran's question.

Tran: Shut up! Why don't you shut up right now!?"

Web Comics
""You're not interested in me at all?"
 * The webcomic The Suburban Jungle:

"Look, Leona, I'm gay, alright? A poofter. A complete nancy. In the game of love, I'm batting for the other team. I'm queerer than a three-dollar bill and a bigger fairy than Tinkerbell. I am, in short, totally ginger."

"Ha! Why don't you just admit it?"

"I thought I just did ...?"

"You're in love with Tiffany Tiger, aren't you?"

"Are you crazy? Is that your problem?""

""You give up the ranch. Blow a bundle. Take a dive. Vote Nader. Down the tubes. In the drink. Sing lead for Van Halen. It's all over but the crying. Stick your head up a..."
 * From Daisy Owl: Daisy's principal skates around saying "a sandwich with dog poop in it". In the Alt Text the author claims to have "1000 more of these phrases".
 * In Order of the Stick, we have one right here. "This is your junk..."
 * A better example might be here.
 * There is also this strip, in which Belkar gives a list of terms for jail.
 * In Sluggy Freelance, when someone's trying to tell to Bun-bun that he has to deliberately lose, a concept he has difficulty grasping since he normally never gives up.

(Bun-bun: "No, really, what are you trying to say?")"

""Do you have a boyfriend?"
 * Girl Genius: The Castle apparently wants to ensure the succession very quickly.

"A what?!"

"A boyfriend. A sweetheart. A swain. A beau. A lover. An intended consort. A fiance. A stud.""


 * From It's Walky: Jason trying to give Joyce "The Talk", and these three strips from the chapter "Innuendo".
 * Muertitos demonstrates.
 * Questionable Content gives us this.
 * Go Get a Roomie: Troll's attempt to explain to Lillian that Roomie is in the back room engaging in lesbian sex here.

Web Original
"Chester A. Bum: They just cut to the credits before anything else happened. What do you think they're doing!? She's taking off his sheep's clothing! He's riding her hood! She's blowing his house down! The better to eat her with! She's taking him to grandma's house! He's checking under her hood! Holy smokes, I could make a book of these."
 * The humorous self-help video How to Hide an Unwanted Erection uses a lot of euphemisms, and ends like this: "Congratulations. You've tamed your trouser snake. Your love gun is firmly in its holster. Excalibur is back in its scabbard. Now you can approach any situation with confidence, safe in the knowledge that no one will be able to see your big, fat, throbbing penis."
 * The Nostalgia Critic lets loose the Monty Python set on the page quote describing  at the end of The Room.
 * Chester A. Bum's review of Red Riding Hood has this:


 * When J's boss in Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl is going on vacation: "I want to know why the caged bird sings, I want to get my groove back, and I want the rainbow to be enuf. E-N-U-F." (the boss is known for her attempts to act black).
 * Yahtzee, after swearing not to mention Lara's breasts at the beginning of a Tomb Raider review, finally fails to reign himself in and explodes into a long string of mammary-related euphemisms.
 * Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, fun bags, knockers, ballistics, boobies, jugs, nipples, jubblies, stonking great tits.
 * One of the fake failed scenes of Huerfanos Electronicos (a Spin Off of Calico Electronico) have Captain Torpedo saying a lot of the existing euphemisms for "penis" found in the spanish language.

Western Animation
"Stewie: Uh, sorry. That's me. I made a Darth Doodie. I Sithed my pants. My diaper's gone over to the dark side. I got pages of these, I could go on."
 * Done in The Simpsons episode where Homer goes to a power convention with his coworker Mindy. At their hotel, the Bellhop says a bunch of words, onomatopoeia, and other sounds to hint that Homer and Mindy are going to have sex.
 * Also done in Family Guy's "Blue Harvest" episode. In a cut scene, Stewie, playing the part of Darth Vader, remarks on the "foul stench" line from Leia (Lois).

"Buster: Portrait of a spoiled brat getting a dose of his own medicine;﻿ hoisted by his own petard; receiving his just desserts; finding himself behind the 8 ball.
 * MOOOOOOJO JOJO, antagonist of The Powerpuff Girls, is known for this. It's sort of a Verbal Tic and it's notoriously difficult to translate.
 * Tiny Toon Adventures: The end of the first short of 'The Acme Acres Zone' Episode, 'A Walk on the Flip Side', has this:

Monty: You don't have to rub it in."

"Roger: You're gonna have to do the horse chores...You have to brush the horse's coat and mane, water and feed it, then give it a full release. You know, give it a happy photo finish. Take the glue out of the factory. Spank his front butt. Grant him a bone loan!"
 * This trope resulted in a bit of controversy in American Dad episode Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth.

"Troll #1: Not the castle!
 * Used by two trolls in the Gummi Bears episode, "A Tree Grows In Dunwyn" after Gruffi tells them that the tree that contained the trolls' treasure was taken to the castle:

Troll #2: We can't go back there!

Troll #1: Jail!

Troll #2: Prison!

Troll #1: The cooler!

Troll #2: The hoosegow!

Troll #1: The pen!

Troll #2: The slammer!"

"Grandpa: This is it Jimmy. The end. We're going to Davy Jone's Locker.
 * Done with breasts in this Robot Chicken sketch.
 * In Hey Arnold with Grandpa Phil and his lifelong friend / rival Jimmy Kafka as they're both about to drown:

Jimmy: Kicking the bucket.

Grandpa: Buying the water farm.

Jimmy: Checking out of the hotel of life.

Grandpa: And checking into the hotel of death.

Jimmy: The big round up.

Grandpa: The last tango in Paris.

Jimmy: "Last tango in Paris?" That's not an euphemism for dying.

Grandpa: I know but it was my turn and I ran out of euphemisms and I didn't want to lose the game."

""We're up the river! Down the creek! There's no 'i' in 'team'! You have to fight for your right to party!""
 * In The Looney Tunes Show, Daffy panics when he and Bugs get thrown in jail:


 * This is just one of Duckman's efforts.

Real Life

 * Benjamin Franklin's "Drinker's Dictionary" (published in 1737) lists dozens of euphemisms for being drunk.
 * There's another guy who's collected hundreds.
 * As noted under Live Action TV, the Parrot Sketch was referenced by John Cleese at the funeral of Graham Chapman.