White Collar/Funny

"Neal: I think I saw the Ark of the Covenant back there. Peter: If my face melts, let me know."
 * From All In:

""Anyone knocks anything over, they deal directly with my wife.""
 * "I love your alleged work! Big fan."
 * "Peter?" "I need to hotwire a Lamborghini!"
 * The entire scene setting up for the FBI to storm Peter's house. Especially him telling the SWAT guys to wipe their feet!

"Neal: Is this doing anything for you? Diana: Not a daaamn thing. (smiling) Neal: What were you going to do if I hadn't come in? Diana: (sensually) Well... I'd have put this strawberry in that guy's mouth, taken him up to my room, put a gun between his ribs--and told him to shut up and sit tight, or I'd arrest him for solicitation. Neal: (swallowing a bit of strawberry) That is really sexy.
 * Peter's mustache at the end of Need to Know.
 * Seen again in Forging Bonds, along with an equally hilarious goatee sported by Mozzie.
 * "Only to distract from the toupee."
 * Diana's conversation with Neal whilst sitting on his lap pretending to be a flirtatious call girl.

Diana: Yeah."

"Neal: (about Diana) Harmless flirting. It's like a dance. Peter: No, there is no dance. You're not even on her dance card. No dancing for you. Neal: She digs the hat! Peter: She'd rather be wearing the hat."
 * In The Teaser for Copycat Caffrey, Peter and Neal say that a crime resembles one allegedly committed by someone familiar. Diana doesn't get it, and asks "Who?". Neal gets the dopiest grin on his face as he answers: "Me."
 * In By The Book, Mozzie finally walks into the FBI offices, dumbstruck by the very idea of doing so. What follows is a montage of Mozzie noticing details of all the agents, the office, etc., as a clip from The Hall of the Mountain King plays.
 * Dumbstruck by the fact that he was invited in to help as opposed to being arrested and questioned no less.
 * Pretty much everything Mozzie says.
 * From the pilot:

"Peter: We gotta get you out of these binds. Neal: Oh, you mean these? (Raises arms and straps fall to the floor) What."
 * In Vital Signs, Neal is strapped to a bed and given tranquilizers after he is caught in Dr. Powell's office. When Peter finds him, Neal's still on the bed (singing, no less) even though he freed himself a while ago.

"Peter: Why would you do something this stupid? Neal: Peter, I'm done so-o-o many worse things you don't even know about."
 * Actually, Neal's drugged state is a CMOF itself.
 * Especially since he keeps hitting the floor.
 * No kidding! From the the same scene:

"Neal: Why is Elizabeth laughing? Peter: No idea."
 * Elizabeth thinks Peter having to flirt with a suspect (and later awkwardly explaining it to her) is hilarious.

"Elizabeth: Neal, are you okay? Do you need another ice pack? Peter: What about me? Elizabeth: I think there are some dishes that need to be done, Mr. Magic-Hands."
 * Also from Vital Signs, while Neal is recovering from the tranquilizers at Peter's house:

"Peter: (as Neal is leaving) Neal, remember, (points to badge) that's not real. Neal: (mischievous laugh, walks out)"
 * Most of Vital Signs is hilarious. Mention also goes to the scene early on where Neal shows up unexpectedly at the Burkes' house while they're having breakfast. Elizabeth offers him a cereal bowl, she and Neal both completely ignore Peter's annoyance with him for interrupting breakfast, and then Neal digs around in the cereal box for the free toy--a silver sheriff badge, which he pins onto his suit.

"Peter: This can't be good. Hughes: Why does everyone say that when I walk into their office? Peter: So you have good news? Hughes: No."
 * What makes it even better, near the end of the episode, when they show up to arrest Dr. Powell, Peter hols up his FBI badge--and Neal, with the most adorable grin on his face, holds up his sheriff badge.
 * From Bottlenecked. Hughes walks into Peter's office:

"Elizabeth: *hangs up phone* Now it's the Burke's Seven."
 * Elizabeth making her actual contribution to what they originally called the Burke's Six. Also crosses over in-universe as a CMOA as both Neal and Peter look positively dumbstruck/love struck by her improvisation.

"Neal: I'll pay you... bubble!"
 * Also in Burke's Seven when Neal is impersonating Larson with a rather limited voice changer.

"Mozzie: Discussing Hegel and his rational realism. You?
 * Sara distracting the people on the boat for Neal by playing the part of the rich empty-headed society wife trying to hire it. "How much would it cost to paint the whole thing pink?"
 * In Forging Bonds, a flashback episode, we get to see how Neal met Peter--by walking up to him while Peter's telling a woman about Neal's forged bonds, fooling him into thinking he's an Innocent Bystander looking to protect his bonds, and then handing Peter a lollipop for a job well done.
 * Mozzie and Neal in Neal's apartment, planning on stealing back a hard drive in What Happens in Burma using a delayed smoke bomb Mozzie made. The smoke doesn't go off--until Peter drops by. Mozzie has to hide the smoke bomb in his jacket and is standing surreptitiously with smoke casually coming out of it when Peter asks what he's doing.

Peter: Casual stroll. You're smoking.

Mozzie: It's a smoking jacket."

"Peter: (big grin) "Yes!""
 * "Honey, do you want to grab some mirrors and go play with Neal?"

"Sara: Sweetie. Neal: Darling. Sara: Did you take out the garbage? Neal: Honey, I shredded the garbage. You know the feds love to rummage. Sara: They're not the only ones; I once tracked a Rothko to the Hamptons using a Jitney receipt."
 * In Deadline, Neal and Sara attempt a "normal" before-work conversation:

"Diana: So I'm at the absolute beck and call of my tough new boss? (casts a side glance at Neal, who laughs.) Peter: What's funny? Neal: Nothing. (to Diana) If you ever need any advice..."
 * Also from Deadline, Peter is explaining to Diana that she has to go undercover as the assistant to a very hard-lined journalist who, according to Jones, "puts the 'Hell' in Helen."

"Mozzie: (over the phone) Neal, this isn't a great time.
 * In The Dentist of Detroit: Peter and Neal's entire fake argument is hilarious, but Peter's face after Neal yells "And the next time your hot wife is lonely, tell her to call me!" makes the scene.
 * More than that, Neal was mostly okay with being called untrustworthy (real issues bleeding through), but he was just so hurt when Peter insulted his hats, earnestly insisting that Peter loves his hats.
 * From that same episode: Elizabeth tells Mozzie about the two times she got arrested. The first time was for having a fake ID. The second time was because she streaked across campus after losing a bet in college. Mozzie's half-astonished, half-impressed, "Mrs. Suit!" just makes the whole scene.
 * From Taking Account:

Neal: Yeah, well, you've got the FBI on the line.

Peter: We need to talk to your new client.

Mozzie: Please call my office during normal business hours to set an appointment.

Neal: Look, can you find Sally or not?

(Camera pans over, revealing Sally in bed stroking Mozzie's chest)

Mozzie: ...hang on. (cut to FBI office, where they hear:) Do you see my glasses?

Sally: They're right in front of you.

(Shocked reactions all around)

Jones: Wait...

Neal: (alternately surprised/impressed/amused) Are they...?

Peter: (mildly disgusted) I think...they are...

Mozzie: Are these your socks?

Sally: That one is mine.

Diana: I will never unhear that."

"Neal: [About staying in the surveillance van] I'm just saying I'd rather pound my thumb with a hammer. Jones: I'll do it. Diana: Pound his thumb?"
 * Near the end of "As You Were".

"Sara: Can Peter draw? Neal: Well, unless she's expecting a breathtaking stick figure, then he's in trouble."
 * Veiled Threat: Sara (with goofy grin and leaning on Neal's shoulder as they watch Peter "propose" to a suspected murderer from behind a two-way mirror): "Best. Date. Ever."
 * Earlier in that same scene:

"Man: [Talking about a motorcycle] Have you ever had a hundred grand between your legs? Neal: Actually, yes, I have. I- Peter: Don't. No."
 * From Scott Free:

"Jones: (to Peter) Oh, don't you hate it when Peter makes you get coffee? Peter: You're getting me mocha chai lattes for the rest of the month. Diana: Hey, boss. Why is Neal in your office? Jones: Neal is posing as Peter so a witness will tell us about an energy collusion scam. Diana: Awesome! I'm going in!"
 * In Power Play, Neal and Peter have to switch identities for the whole episode. The agents have an absolute field day with it, from Neal asking Peter to bring him coffee (cream, no sugar), to Jones and Diana's jokes, to Peter pouring in an entire can of sugar. And that's just in the first ten minutes!

""Hold on. I'm gonna Caffrey my way outta here.""
 * There's also a great deleted scene from Power Play. (starts at about 6:12 on the video).

"Jones: Hey. Caffrey just gave me two tickets to a Yankees game tonight. And they look real."
 * A great non-verbal scene from Countdown: Neal is about to detail his plan for how to swap out the real Degas for his forgery. Mozzie, knowing it's going to be something really outrageous, holds up a hand for Neal to wait. He then picks up a bottle of wine and a small glass. He looks at Neal, switches to a bigger glass, fills it up halfway, looks at Neal again, and then fills it up the rest of the way. Neal's only reaction is to raise his eyebrows.
 * In Upper West Side Story, Diana is pretending to be Peter's mistress, and they're having a stage fight. She mentions his pretend son's baby brother, and he replies that Peter Jr. doesn't have a baby brother. She tells him he will in about six months. Forget pretending, Peter was honestly caught off-guard by that statement, and it was absolutely hilarious to watch.
 * From that same episode:

"Peter: This entire weekend, assume I do not exist. Don't e-mail me, don't call me-- Diana: Don't even think about calling you-- Jones: Don't even think about thinking about calling you-- Peter: Unless someone dies, or Neal does something big. And maybe not even if someone dies."
 * Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming. Peter wouldn't accept the tickets from Neal, who had originally given them to him as an attempt to get back on his good side. By the end of the episode, Neal genuinely wants Peter to have the tickets, so he gives them to Jones, knowing the first thing Jones will do is invite Peter.
 * Mozzie's description of El's driving: "Elizabeth is like a terrifying amalgamation of Danica Patrick and The Man from U.N.C.L.E!"
 * At the beginning of Pulling Strings, Peter's instructions to Jones and Diana as he's getting ready to spend a weekend at home with his visiting in-laws:

"Peter: Keep an eye on Neal. Diana: Sure thing, Dr. Huxtable."
 * Peter's horrible sweater that his mother-in-law made for him.

"Mozzie: Behind every worst case scenario is a worse worst case scenario. Neal: Isn't there a child whose balloon you have to pop somewhere?"
 * From Judgment Day:


 * Unfortunately, Mozzie turned out to be right.