True Blood/Funny

""All this alpha-male posturing. Why don't the two of you just fuck each other and get it over with...? I could watch.""
 * Sophie-Anne's suggestion to Bill regarding his conflict with Eric.

""Now come on Pam, they are funny. They're like humans, but miniature. Teacup humans.""
 * Eric, on children:

"Eric: No time. You have to do it.
 * Eric

Sookie: But I can't! It's gross, and it's you.

Eric: (groans dramatically) I'm dying... (groans again)"

""Wow, Bill, you're right. I believe I can sense her emotions.""
 * Especially the grin he flashes at the camera when she does it.

"Sookie: I sucked his chest! What is wrong with me?!"
 * And afterwards when she is talking to Bill about it.

""Pam is going to kill me.""
 * Eric, after

"Lafayette: "The god with horns! WORSHIP HIM BITCHES!"
 * Everything about Maryann's Dionysian wedding.

Sookie: "Okay, what is the deal with the egg? Did you lay it?"

Maryann: "You're the maid of honor, you have to lick the egg.""

"Sam: "Smite me, motherfucker!"
 * The scene where Jason, Sam and Andy

Terry Bellefleur: "Bullshit! God has horns.""

"Lafayette: "Faggots been breedin' your cows, raisin' your chickens, and even brewin' your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. [...] Tip yo' waitress.""
 * Lafayette's creative way of confronting the homophobic rednecks. Also it was awesome.

"Pam: "Is there a problem?"
 * Arlene: "I'm sorry you  alright? But honestly, who here hasn't?"
 * Andy: "Conscience off, dick on!"
 * The scene in which Pam orders Lafayette to sell the remnants of V in a single night.

Lafayette: "Nah, hooker. Look, I can't sell all this shit by tomorrow, I got a cousin in trouble, she..."

Pam: "I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if I need to. And also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long, long time ago.

Lafayette: "...a'ight."

Pam: "You pickin' up what I'm puttin down?"

Lafayette: "I is.""

"Pam (deadpan): "No, Sookie, don't, come back.""
 * Pam's Willy Wonka-esque attempt to prevent Sookie from forcing her way down to see Eric.

""I hear the water in Arkansas is very... hard.""
 * Erotic Dream hilarity, courtesy of Bill.

""Um... when you’re drunk?""
 * Jason's got at least one CMOF for every (frequent) occasion he forgets to turn his brain on. After deciding to be a cop, Hoyt is quizzing him on what he needs to know for the written test, at one point asking Jason what the legal blood alcohol limit for driving is in the state of Louisiana.

""Every sound I hear, every time the phone rings, every shadow, I think it's Bill. I keep expecting him to come through the door and say... Sookeh.""
 * Sookie's Lampshade Hanging of Bill's pronunciation of her name in the season three premiere.

"Talbot: "Please they're all dumber than a box of rocks."
 * Talbot insulting werewolves.

Werewolf: "That's unfair!"

Talbot: "To boxes maybe. (Pause) Or rocks.""

"Talbot: "Blood gelato?""
 * Bill being served a full-course dinner made entirely of blood.

"Tara: "We need to talk."
 * Don't forget Talbot describing the blood as being "cruelty-free," and the citrus-flavored, carbonated blood as being given by a donor who "ate nothing but tangerines for weeks."
 * Stick Jason behind a desk, and watch the hilarity ensue.
 * Franklin demonstrating his super-texting power. "You weren't looking!"
 * Almost ANYTHING Franklin does. Who can forget this little gem?

Franklin: "Don't say that. Woman say that, everything goes black and I wake up surrounded by body parts.""

"Jessica: ( Shocked and concerned) No way!
 * Sookie wakes up from her coma as Bill watches...and the show's standard tender romantic music is interrupted by her screaming her head off at seeing him.
 * Bill informing Jessica he broke up with Sookie.

Bill: (Bill serious and deadpanned) Way."

"Russell: We will eat you. After we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?"
 * Bill and Sookie getting rid of a dead werewolf in the living room after their make-up sex. "Yes, I suppose I should have mentioned that."
 * Also Sookie's resigned attitude to his disposal.
 * When Russell Edgington As threatening as it is, hilarity comes from Russel's polite manner and his complete disregard for the newsreader, to the point that about half way through, he absentmindedly notices he's still holding.

"Eric: Is there blood in my hair?
 * Sookie's reaction to finding out what she really is: "How fucking lame!"
 * Pam's way of asking for a private chat with Eric: Blah Blah Vampire Emergency Blah.

Lafayette: Yeah, there's a little bit in there.

Eric: Oh. That's bad."

"Sookie: I think, deep down, you don't really like vampires, even though you are one.
 * Sookie and Bill have had, so far, the funniest moment of the show in my mind.

Bill: So?

Sookie: Well, hating yourself is not a good thing.

Bill: I'm a vampire. I'm supposed to be tormented."

"Lorena [to Sookie]:"
 * Lorena gets her moment in "Timebomb":

"Sookie: He's your maker, isn't he.
 * This troper's favorite was this exchange between Sookie and Eric:

Eric: Don't use words you don't understand.

Sookie: You have a lot of love for him.

Eric: (beat) Don't use words I don't understand."

"Eric: Humans. Honestly, Bill, I don't know what you see in them."
 * Straight after that, we get the glorious hilarity of Eric pretending to be not just a human, but a shy redneck who forgot his stake.
 * Even better since Eric doesn't look redneck-y at all in that scene. He just always looks downright menacing.
 * After Longshadow is staked, Ginger stops screaming long enough to throw up, prompting this response:

"Godric: I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have met him... But I missed it."
 * After Hoyt's intervention, when the therapist tries to do a group hug and Hoyt's mom flings him off by lazily lifting her arm.
 * Godric addressing the Fellowship when all hell is breaking loose:

"I'm not that smart!"
 * In the second episode, Jason is under arrest for the murder of a woman he was videotaped having rough sex with. It doesn't help his case any that the video records him evidently choking her to death, freaking out at what he has just done, and fleeing the scene. It does help his case somewhat when the woman he supposedly just murdered comes to and starts laughing hysterically at his reaction to her prank. Of course, she was still murdered some time after turning off the tape recorder. The cops theory? Jason came back and killed her off for real. His iron-clad defense?

"Jessica: [to Bill] You suck! (laughs) ... That's funny. 'Cause you do suck."
 * Pretty much anything with Jessica, especially this bit:

"Jason: So werewolves are real?
 * This Troper's favourite moment in season 3 is this exchange:

Sookie: Yes.

Jason: How about bigfoot, is he real?

Sookie: I don't know, I suppose it's possible.

Jason: (gasps with delight) Santa?"

"Eric - I want my phone back."
 * In the final episode of Season 3, Eric gets one last deadpan snark, coupled with Mood Whiplash, since Bill recently buried him in concrete and is completely heartbroken at the time after Sookie dumped him.

""...let these good people practice their constitutional right to be fucking idiots..."
 * Pam in Season 4

"I know, I know.﻿ It's hard for me, too. Technology has taken all the fun out of being a vampire..."

"I'll give you 24 hours to deliver that witch to me. And if you don't, I will personally eat, fuck, and kill all three of you.""

"Arlene: Smells a little like pot.
 * Not to mention Pam's hilariously dry delivery of the Fangtasia commercial, in which she says "The blood is warm, and so is the service" with the perfect level of deadpan and bored indifference.
 * An amnesiac Eric calling Sookie "Snooki."
 * Sookie's indignant delivery of the line and Eric's apologetic smile.
 * Eric: "Ya'll are lookin' for a dead body?"
 * Eric drunk on fairy blood. "Did you just pinch my ass?"
 * "Stop saying 'fuck,' I can't concentrate!"
 * Reverend Daniels and Lettie Mae's "exorcism" of Terry and Arlene's house. Complete with Arlene being dumb enough to call them "you people."

Terry: Not really."

"Bill: (Without a care in the world) Uh huh and whats the biggest therobaric payload? I Will take two ..."
 * Portia's measured, well-researched argument about why sleeping with her great-great-however many grandfather should be perfectly fine, followed by Bill glamoring her to be terrified of him.
 * After realizing he's not going to turn into a werepanther, Jason tells Jessica it's kind of a letdown, and that the werepanther tribe are idiots.
 * Jason waking up and screaming "Oh my gravy!" after having a Homoerotic Dream of Hoyt.
 * Tara being saved from Pam by a bunch of dimbulbs wanting to sell vampire videos to TMZ. "I AM NOT A ZOMBIE!" "That's exactly what a zombie would say!"
 * Lafayette and Jesus find that Jesus' elderly abuelo has a hot and pregnant wife. Lafayette: "I think Grandpa's still got some lead in the pencil."
 * Tommy as Maxine, taking her already over the top abrasiveness Beyond the Impossible.
 * Sookie's dream where she declares she loves both Bill and Eric, and they should just be in a three-way relationship with her. How the hell did everyone get through that one with a straight face?
 * Nan telling a weeping Jessica that she's cured her of any desire to become a maker.
 * Followed by Nan asking Bill what's going on, and a Gilligan Cut to all three chained down with silver.
 * Mavis having a Freak Out when she finally notices she's in a man's body.
 * Mavis getting confused when Jesus says that Lafayette is his boyfriend, either indicating that she has no knowledge of homosexuality, or that she had no idea she was in a man's body this whole time.
 * The blink-and-you'll-miss-it glimpse of a copy of Twilight with the movie poster cover in the box of Jessica's stuff.
 * Jason making fun of Hoyt for having a Taylor Swift CD. He quickly retorts it's Jessica's.
 * After Terry makes Andy admit he has a V addiction, leaving Andy behind in the woods and forcing him to walk home.
 * While they're all restrained with silver, Nan angrily sentences Bill, Eric, Pam, and Jessica to True Death, only for all of them to tell her to shut up.
 * Best part is Nan promising a slow and painful death for Bill come sundown.

"Jason: What's happening to his head?!
 * Jesus is attempting to breach the magical forcefield around the shop, when suddenly he turns into a demon and forces his way through.

Lafayette: (Slightly embarrassed) It's a Latin thing."

"Jason: Is this another dream? Because if Hoyt comes out of that hood, I'm gonna kick his ass."
 * Tara and Holly warning the coven not to touch the door, only for them to do it anyway.
 * Andy tries to talk about the fairy Maurella, whom he had sex with, but Arlene thinks he was just hallucinating.
 * "You can't trade magic like fucking Pokémon cards!"
 * Eric: "Hi Nan!...and gay stormtroopers."
 * "We're still feeling pretty crispy here."
 * "...What a bitch"
 * Pam ranting about Sookie: "I am sooo over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name! FUCK SOOKIE! *throws things*
 * Jessica seduces Jason by wearing a naughty Little Red Riding Hood costume.

"Hi, you've reached the voicemail for Dep. Stackhouse. If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 9-1-1... and ask for me!"
 * Arlene threatening to take her kids trick-or-treating at a trailer park again if they don't behave. "Now do you want a bag full of empty Coors cans and food stamps?"
 * The episode "Cold Ground" is actually full of unintentional humour without crossing into Narm. Such as the way Sookie screams at Maxine Fortenbery when she tries to take one of her grandmother's pies out of the fridge. Also she randomly shouts "shut the fuck up!" at the entire funeral congregation during her speech when she hears their thoughts.
 * Dep. Jason Stackhouse's voicemail message.