The Magic of Torchwood

Team Torchwood (Jack, Ianto, Owen, Tosh, Gwen, continuity compatible until after 'Adam') find an unusual artifact, which de-ages them to 11 years old. Then they receive a Note to Self from Jack, which says that they are about to experience something wonderful. The artifact, a crystal, takes them to Jack's apartment during the Summer of 1993, whereupon they receive Hogwarts letters. Let the magic begin...

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Tropes:
"She didn't even try to resist. In fact...she was crying. It might almost seem sad, if it weren't for the fact that she so deservedly brought this fate upon herself."
 * A Father to His Men: This is Jack all over.
 * Anti Hero: Almost everyone, of one variety or another.
 * Arson Murder and Jaywalking: Jack's Torchwood contract includes the phrases "high-risk situation", "dangerous artifact", "hostile forces" and "terrible flirt."
 * Ascended Extra: Archie, head of Torchwood 2.
 * Asshole Victim:.
 * Also . The narration of   includes this gem:

"Gwen: He'll do it. I've seen him do it."
 * Authority Equals Asskicking: Dumbledore, Jack and Voldemort. Harry to a certain degree as head of the DA.
 * Anything That Moves: John Hart and the poodle is regularly mentioned. Jack
 * Attention Deficit Creator Disorder: Even if, thanks to regular weekly updates, it doesn't show.
 * Badass: Most of the main cast. Particular marks to Jack, who easily holds off Bellatrix with only Super Reflexes and 3rd year spells for 5 minutes, allowing Sirius to snipe her with a stunner. Moody notes admiringly that he has serious combat experience and that it took 12 top aurors to take her down last time.
 * Moody references this incident later, saying its why Jack's one of the Seven Potters.
 * Badass Abnormal: Jack, being immortal is this by even Wizard's standards.
 * Ianto.
 * By the same method, Sirius.
 * Badass Adorable: Team Torchwood as kids.
 * Badass Army: Dumbledore's Army. Particularly with the addition of the expertise of Team Torchwood.
 * Berserk Button: For Jack, the words 'Master' and 'Freak'.
 * "We don't use that word in the Dungeons anymore. Jack maims us for it." This from Deatheater Draco Malfoy.
 * Beware the Nice Ones: Ianto. Just because he happens to be in Hufflepuff and is apparently harmless doesn't mean he isn't extremely dangerous, especially when he shows just how easily he could poison the entire school.
 * Jack. People underestimate him at their peril.
 * Bi the Way: Jack, since no alien species have turned up to provide credence to his omnisexuality.
 * Chivalrous Pervert: Jack
 * Cloudcuckoolander: Luna.
 * Cool and Unusual Punishment: What happens to Umbridge. All of it.
 * Also what Jack does to Mark Avery with duct tape.
 * Combat Pragmatist: Jack, especially what he does to Barty Crouch Jr.
 * Cute Bruiser: Team Torchwood
 * Cut His Heart Out With a Spoon: Owen + fork and utility thereof.

"Jack: You really don't want a dogfight with me..."
 * Day in The Limelight: Plenty of more minor characters get scenes.
 * Deadpan Snarker: Everyone has their moments, but its usually Ianto.
 * Death Is Cheap: Jack all the way.
 * Deus Ex Machina: Take 3 guesses as to why the Doctor hasn't turned up (in a proper chapter). And the first 2 don't count.
 * Dumb Muscle: Many Death eaters, an opinion shared by both Jacks and Lucius Malfoy.
 * Doing in The Wizard: 's explanation of magic as understood by the 51st century.
 * The Dreaded: Voldemort and as of Chapter 73.
 * Enemy Mine: A less serious one between Ron and Malfoy when dealing with Umbridge.
 * A deadly serious one in Chapter 86 between.
 * Enfant Terrible: The general public's perception of Owen Bloody Harper.
 * Ethical Slut: Present!Jack previously, Past! Jack currently.
 * Evil Counterpart: Aside from the usual Harry and Voldemort, Jack and Captain John (though how evil he actually is is a matter up for debate).
 * Fake Defector: Jack implies defection to  Then he knees him in the balls.
 * Faking the Dead: Team Torchwood pull this on.
 * Five Man Band: A couple of these.
 * Harry and Friends.
 * The Hero: Harry
 * The Lancer: Jack, who doubles as a Big Brother Mentor.
 * The Smart Guy: Hermione/Ianto
 * The Big Guy: Ron
 * The Chick: Hermione
 * Team Torchwood.
 * The Hero: Jack. He lampshades this to Harry after the Graveyard, saying he can play the hero to his team when he wants to.
 * The Lancer: Gwen/Owen
 * The Smart Guy: Tosh/Owen (the latter skilled in potions and medical knowledge)
 * The Big Guy: Ianto. The most skilled wizard out of all of them.
 * The Chick: Gwen
 * Token Evil Teammate: Draco (sort of)
 * Everyone Has Standards: Someone even Jack won't do? Umbridge. Owen and Tosh revel in the incredibility of this.
 * Future Me Scares Me: More the possibility as shown by the Boggart. Of course, Jack being Jack, he flirts with it.
 * Funny Aneurysm Moment: In-Universe. Jack jokes lightly about Dumbledore's attempts at getting in his head, after the third task, comparing it to sexual assault. Then Harry sort of curls up and says Voldemort essentially mindraped him. Leads to a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.
 * Genre Savvy: Team Torchwood. Jack in particular.
 * And he demonstrates this in chapter 80.
 * Good Is Not Soft: Team Torchwood.
 * Jack and Owen generally fall under Good Is Not Nice as well, it depends on their mood.
 * Guile Hero: Jack and Ianto, Harry is becoming one under Jack's tutelage. Draco.
 * Groin Attack: Jack.
 * Handsome Lech: Jack again.
 * Half Human Hybrid: Hagrid, Madame Maxime. Jack jokingly suggests that Snape is half Dementor and Owen claims Derrin Harper is party name stealer part mountain troll.
 * Knight in Sour Armour: Owen. Jack under his cheerful mask. Draco's developing into this.
 * Large Ham: Present!Jack. Oh so much.
 * Likea Son to Me: How Jack regards Harry.
 * Magnificent Bastard: Jack. A good version.
 * Manipulative Bastard: Jack again. Witness how he plays the Wizarding World like a harp over Malfoy's death (and making it happen) until one of the DA proves to be the spanner in the works, in which some Xanatos Speed Chess follows. Also note how he draws Draco and Harry to him and gets them to work together.
 * Memetic Badass: Owen in-universe, considered to be one of the few people who could conceivably deal with Voldemort.
 * Mind Screw: The Fidelius charm on  has this effect.
 * My Future Self and Me: Jack hangs around with his past self and with his worst possible future self (the boggart). They get on disturbingly well.
 * Note to Self: Jack to Team Torchwood, then Gwen in the Adam chapter.
 * Officer and A Gentleman: Jack, chivalrous to a fault, even when he's trying to seduce you.
 * Oh Crap: Everyone in the April Fools chapter. Most people when they realise just how dangerous Jack is and when they realise he's immortal.
 * Most reviewers when they find that Voldemort is looking for..
 * Older Than They Look: Both Jacks, all of Torchwood.
 * One Scene Wonder: Narcissa, so far anyway. One has to wonder what exactly she is up to...
 * Running Gag: Several.
 * Owen and the fork.
 * Ianto and his various attempts to Silencio Owen (he eventually succeeds).
 * Ianto snarkily referring to Sirius by every dog related nickname possible. e.g. Fido and Lassie.
 * Jack does this, too.
 * Jack's constant assertion: "I've dated worse."
 * Pre Ass Kicking One Liner: An awesome one in chapter 94.


 * Scary Black Man: Kingsley, according to Gwen.
 * Screw the Rules I'm Doing What's Right: Gryffindors as a matter of course. All of Team Torchwood..
 * Selfcest: Jack. With his boggart.
 * She Is All Grown Up: Mentioned occasionally (especially in reference to Torchwood, who have all been de-aged), such as Gwen, who is noted by Jack in a She Cleans Up Nicely moment that she looks more like 15 than  and passing for 16/17.
 * Snark Knight: Team Torchwood, Draco and Harry (less than the other two).
 * Super Powered Evil Side: What Jack's evil future self is implied to be.
 * Super Reflexes: Jack.
 * Super Speed: Jack (to a small degree).
 * Take That: Several small implied ones.
 * Hermione and Ron belong together, according to the clarity concoction.
 * Take a Third Option: Discussed, attempted, and averted when trying to get the locket. Voldemort thought of all the possible loopholes.
 * Team Dad: Jack.
 * This Is Gonna Suck: When Jack.
 * Vitriolic Best Buds: Jack and Owen, Jack and  later on.
 * Word of God: Inevitable when the author is a troper.
 * Be warned, she tends to use Exact Words. A lot.
 * Contrived Coincidence also figures heavily.
 * You Do NOT Want to Know: Part of Jack's modus operandi.
 * You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry: Jack's warnings and hints as to how horrifyingly dangerous he can be.
 * He's backed it up on several occasions.