How to Survive a War Movie

A list of ways to survive a war film.


 * I will not mention my family, girlfriend or hope for the future.
 * Nor will I keep a treasured picture of them.
 * If I insist on keeping a picture of them, I will never show it to my buddies. I will never show it to my commanding officer. In fact, I will never show it to anyone. Indeed, I will not even get it out and look wistfully at it.
 * On second thought, I won't keep it. So they can't go through my effects to find it.
 * I will only join the Allied force.
 * If it is after 1945, I will not join the Soviet military.
 * Especially if I'm a grizzled, opinionated veteran.
 * On second thought, let's go ahead and scrap the "after 1945" bit.
 * Unless it's anime, in which case it's perfectly ok to be an Axis soldier, as it's probably an alternate universe in which case Those Wacky Nazis don't exist.
 * By extension, if they do exist, Those Wacky Nazis are probably very low on the threat-meter and Crazy Awesome at best.
 * I will not be a spy.
 * I will be thin.
 * Or I will be of sufficient girth to stop small-arms fire.
 * If I have a Dark and Troubled Past, I will endeavour to keep it secret for as long as possible, (except for a few cryptic remarks or a vague, educational anecdote) especially if the writers are planning on a prequel. No director ever killed off the mysterious character before his/her time.
 * I will not remove my helmet, assuming I wore one in the first place.
 * Especially if the helmet just stopped a bullet from going through my head.
 * If the helmet removes audience sympathy from me by making me anonymous, I must remove it. If I have sufficient characterisation with it on, I will never remove it.
 * To induce the aforementioned characterization, I will customize my helmet with peace signs and memorable slogans.
 * I will not go crazy. I will take every precaution to avoid going mad, such as regular therapy, calming thoughts, and immediately reporting my condition to my superiors if I seem to be becoming unbalanced.
 * I will avoid being diagnosed as crazy when I report my condition to superiors, since anyone crazy enough to report their condition obviously wishes to avoid death and is therefore sane enough to be sent back to the front.
 * I will not, under any circumstances, fall in love or get married while on leave from the front. A foreign mistress in a nearby village is acceptable if I am not a virgin.
 * If I am a virgin, I will endeavor to lose my virginity to a total stranger while on leave. The most dangerous time for a soldier is 1–2 days after losing your virginity.
 * I will not, under any circumstances, spend an extended episode contemplating with increasing resolve whether to go back to the front, especially if a good life is awaiting me back home.
 * I will only go back to the front after I've become sick and tired of the hospital. Upon returning from the hospital I will inform others that I didn't miss them, but the food wasn't as good. This will reassure them that I am the Audience Surrogate.
 * I will not invoke Catch-22, especially if I have already revealed I understand it on this page.
 * I will not allow myself to be sent to the hospital for any wound, unless it is something merely incapacitating and obviously non-fatal such as a broken finger. Hospitals are death for people with serious injuries.
 * Small but serious injuries are the most dangerous. If I do get sent to the hospital, I will not wistfully endure my minor internal injuries and reassure my seriously injured bunkmate that "I hope he gets better before I leave".
 * I will scream and holler until my Stoic Woobie bunkmate dies peacefully in his sleep. Only then will I know I am on the road to recovery.
 * I won't serve under any officer promoted due to politics, commission or aptitude, even if he's a good guy. That only means it's a suicide mission intended to test the new Captain's mettle and prove his worth (or not) as a commander, in which case the rest of us will get killed.
 * If I'm assigned under a Lt. Neidermeyer or Captain Queeg, I will kill myself because they are a Black Hole Sue whose very existence guarantees we will all die.
 * I will not be a grizzled, opinionated veteran unless it is part of my youthful character arc. The Cool Old Guy always dies in the final reel.
 * I will endeavor to be wise beyond my years as quickly as possible, but I will never impart this knowledge to others.
 * Instead, I will educate fresh meat with an entertainingly sarcastic wit.
 * Or I will stare at them with kind, thoughtful expressions to show that I will remember them long after their death.
 * I will not be the friend or relative of a major character.
 * I will fight the Final Battle with the least powerful and technologically advanced weapon.
 * I will fight the final battle against as many enemies as possible.
 * Doing both ensures I'll get surrounded and captured instead of killed. Score!
 * I will not try to collect any tokens or souvenirs. ...Unless they can be placed in my breast pocket, or are given to me by beautiful young women or children whose lives I have saved, in which case they may be helpful.
 * If I have a Loyal Animal Companion, such as a dog or pet mouse, I will keep it with me at all times for use as Plot Armor. Under no circumstances will I free it or let a friend take care of it for me. This goes for Prison camps and Action movies too.
 * I will be either the most jaded (but NOT cruel) or the most naive (but NOT idealistic) member of the group, and make sure to "learn" about either the importance of teamwork or the true horror of war by the end.
 * I will not be the poet, or the really smart guy.
 * I will not name my gun. It never helps.
 * If I am assigned to serve under a fresh-faced, idealistic upper-class twit who considers himself A Father to His Men, I will ask to be transferred before we ship out, to a different service/occupation if necessary.
 * That goes double if he's crazed, Crazy Awesome, slightly unstable or an incompetent rear-echelon commander whose only purpose is to chew the scenery and liven things up in our unit.
 * Exception: If I am placed in a non-combat unit, I will not ever request transfer to combat duty, no matter how intolerable my commanding officer is.
 * If the sergeant says "I'm not making you go; anyone who wants to can bow out of this with no consequences", I'll bow out of it.
 * If the war involves Humongous Mecha, I will angst as much as I can about the horrors of what I am facing. Also, I will refrain from engaging any enemy mecha that looks slightly different than the usual enemy mechs, or was stolen from our side. And I will stay the hell away from any red ones.
 * I will wait to be conscripted, or, if I absolutely must enlist voluntarily, I will endeavor to be suitably disillusioned by the time the film actually starts. In any case I will NOT be puppyishly enthusiastic about "putting my life on the line for Queen and Country!"
 * If I do volunteer it will be to get into the navy and dodge the army. The navy is dangerous but more comfortable and has lots of cool machinery.
 * Similarly, if I absolutely must enlist voluntarily, I will not lie about my age to do it. I will wait until I have reached the required age.
 * I will not be the youngest member of my squadron, platoon or unit. If I am, I will get a mentor figure as soon as possible.
 * I will make sure that said Mentor Figure is not someone I like or respect, though. That will just get him killed in a more messy or disturbing way.
 * I will not be the oldest member of my squad, platoon or unit. If I am, I will not become a mentor figure to any new recruit.
 * If I am approached by a new recruit in search of a mentor figure, I will point him at someone I won't mind terribly seeing die in a messy or disturbing way.
 * I will not mention to anyone, under any circumstance, that my tour of duty or enlistment is going to be up soon.
 * Especially if it's any time this week.
 * Nor will I talk wistfully about my plans for after the war. Especially if they involve Montana or opening a restaurant of my own or my plans to become a shrimping captain.
 * While it helps to be attractive, I will do my best to not become too beautiful to live. Unless I am a female, in which case I must strive to be the more conventionally attractive of the two main female characters.
 * While a dry, Gallows Humor may help keep my spirits up and endear me to the audience, I will not be the company clown.
 * I will not be the only likeable person in my squad, platoon or unit.
 * I will not develop any tragic homosexual longings for any of my fellow soldiers. We have Fanfic authors for that sort of thing.
 * Unless I am British, in which case it will probably save my life.
 * If I am British, I will try not to be in the same movie as any Americans.
 * If I am British and encounters with Americans are unavoidable, I will be helpful and polite to them, and resist any temptation to complain about their pay, easygoing attitude or ungentlemanly behaviour.
 * However I will not become best friends with any of them.
 * Unless they are women, in which case an affair with one of them may help my chances of survival immensely.
 * ...Unless she has another, more handsome, American admirer, in which case I will beat a hasty retreat.
 * If I am British, encounters with the Americans are unavoidable, and this is a film about the American Revolution (especially if it's produced by an American studio), I will remember that we are still all technically British, and consider switching sides.
 * If I am American (or French) and I am in a movie about the American Revolution (or the Napoleonic Wars) made by a British film studio, I best stay out of the war, period.
 * If I am an American In a film made by a British film studio set during the first years of either of the world wars I will NOT say "We best stay out of the war, period" but will instead move to Canada and join up: It'll save time in the long run and at least I'll look extra heroic and get a quietly-attractive British love interest.
 * If I am British and none of the above applies, I best damn better hope I am not sent to a place that begins with "G" and ends with "-allipoli." If I am Australian, I will either die there or sustain horrific injuries and return home embittered.
 * Likewise if I am British or Commonwealth and this is a WW 2 film, Winston Churchill's presence in the same film means we cannot possibly lose. If however this is a WW 1 film, it just means we are about to get slaughtered by Turks.
 * If I am Japanese, I will be forced to recognize that, no matter the time period, sub genre, or studio's country of origin, I have about the same chance of survival whether I'm a feudal wars samurai, WWII kamikaze or ultra-futuristic mecha pilot, unless I happen to be a main character (and even then, survival is very iffy)
 * If I am Canadian, I probably won't actually appear onscreen, so I shall be relatively safe. Especially if I'm in Holland.
 * Whatever my social background, I will not have any issues about it, or rise to any goading by my fellow soldiers on the subject.
 * If I have the option to serve alongside an old schoolfriend, I will consider my options carefully. If I have ever wronged my friend or "owe" him in any other way, I will find another regiment. If he is better looking than I am, I will find another regiment. If, however, I am unequivocally the better looking, I will fight at his side with confidence.
 * If I am a woman, I will get a pair of glasses to look Hollywood Homely and staunchly support the Allied cause. I will not be a vamp with a heart of gold who has done questionable things to survive in a World Gone Mad.
 * Two Three bits of advice for armies in general:
 * Never march on Moscow. (This goes double if winter is coming.)
 * Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
 * Nor go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
 * I will not accept a nickname of any kind, unless I am a fighter pilot, and only then if it is something cool and manly and not the name of a less-than-impressive animal, cartoon character or a girl's name.
 * I will try and develop some angsty daddy issues before I go. This is especially true if my father is still in the forces himself. On the other hand, I will not have a fight or some major unresolved issue with him just before going into battle. The issues will be nothing that a short, manly "I've always been proud of you, Son" or "I love you, Dad" won't solve.
 * I will never, ever, grab a flag or standard and charge headlong at the enemy screaming, unless I am in Ankh Morpork during the revolution. Sure, I'll be shot about a dozen times, but it'll be five minutes before I die, it'll be inspiring and memorable and eventually I'll get back up again anyway.
 * I will only write letters if they can also serve as voiceover narration.
 * Under no circumstances, will I write a letter to my mom/girlfriend/wife/brother and put it in my top left shirt pocket.
 * If narrating, I will use phrases like "This was our first time..." and avoid saying things like, "I didn't know it would be my last..."
 * I will have stubble.
 * If I am female, or too young to grow stubble, I will serve the war effort by going into, say, codebreaking—or some other task that takes place in a nice, safe, sheltered rear-area building.
 * Wait, hang on. I'll do that anyway.
 * If I am a German soldier, I will do my utmost never to get promoted into any position of authority; indeed I will try to be comically dimwitted, goofy and cowardly.
 * If I am in a position of authority, I will endeavour to be a Magnificent Bastard who doesn't really agree with Hitler's theories on race anyway, and will probably help smuggle those on his hit list to safety.
 * In other words, I will be Erwin Rommel, without the assassination attempt.
 * Correction, without the failed assassination attempt. You never know if you are in an alternate history story until you try.
 * If I am a German soldier in WWII, I will transfer to Stalag 13 immediately.
 * If I am a German soldier in WWIII, I will keep in mind my country's track record during the last two rounds, even though my country will be a member of the Allies.
 * If it's a Cold War scenario, I will be stationed in Bonn.
 * Clarification: a fallout shelter in Bonn.
 * I will constantly and openly fret about my survival.
 * I will be a Military Maverick who can get away with anything.
 * I will not be General Ripper. If I'm a bomber pilot and I report in some fashion to General Ripper, I will make any and all excuses not to show up for work.
 * I will also make every effort to make sure someone senior bothers to notice he's experiencing acute Sanity Slippage.
 * As I hone my persona as a Military Maverick, I will be careful not to tip over into General Ripper or Colonel Kurtz by mistake.
 * I will insist that any mail for me be held until after the war.
 * I will not be the enthusiastic new recruit who's desperate to see some 'real action'. 'Real Action' translates to "people doing deadly things in your direction".
 * I will in fact try not to be in the same platoon as said enthusiastic recruit. They either have a Heroic BSOD at an inconvenient moment when under actual live fire or be dangerously reckless.
 * If I am the smart guy, the poet, am pushing things by having a stutter too, and if I do "go crazy" and have the good fortune to be invalided home to an unusually forward-thinking, sensitively-run psychiatric hospital, which no one is forcing me to leave, I will damn well STAY THERE and survive the war to continue writing poetry, not go back to the front and get killed a week before the end of the war.
 * Being the titular character may not be a guarantee, but it helps, as long as this is not Based on a True Story. Unless, of course the true story's author has the exact same name as my character, and the narrator uses the first person throughout the book.
 * I will not loot anything off of a slain enemy. It will only earn me a karmic end.
 * If I've been a jerk CO throughout the movie, I won't get noble and brave at the end.
 * I will not retreat from battle, unless everybody else is doing it.
 * Should I be forced to retreat I will ensure that I return at the last moment with reinforcements.
 * I will always remember that the enemy is whoever is trying to get me killed.
 * Above all, I will always remember to be Genre Savvy, remember to be the right kind of Genre Savvy and not pick up the Idiot Ball, no matter how tempting it is.
 * If the war is not in my country, I will not enlist, but will be supportive of the troops. That should keep me safely off-camera.
 * I will make sure that most if not all members of my squad are of the same ethnicity as I am. And I will make sure our squad fights only alongside of other squads that also share our ethnicity.
 * Stay In School! That way, if you do get conscripted, you can opt for a career as a surgeon or Army Engineer. Those guys are very rarely seen on the front line in a war movie. Should this fail I will move heaven and earth to avoid being posted with any former classmates and especially not with teaching staff.
 * If I'm injured, I will arrange to be transferred to the 4077th MASH. Once there, I will be as big a jerk as possible and insist I absolutely have to go back out into the field. I will not be a callow youth expecting the doctors to be miracle workers.
 * Furthermore, if I find myself at the 4077th, I will brag about how good I am at killing others and how eager I am to return to filling that function and constantly remind the surgeons that the longer I occupy a hospital bed, the fewer people (especially women, children, and even small animals) will be killed.
 * I will not be in any landing craft, drop ship, or transport helicopter that's in formation with the main characters' own ship, especially if the target we're going to is heavily defended and no-one of notice is aboard my ship.
 * I will not live in the political or industrial capital areas of any first-world country after 1945. I cannot survive if I die in the prologue.
 * If I am an Axis soldier during WWII and must surrender, I will surrender to the Americans/British/French, not the Russians. If I am Japanese, surrender is out of the question.
 * Likewise if I am an Allied soldier in WWII and must surrender, I will surrender to the Italians. If I am not Russian, surrendering to the Germans is iffy, but survivable. Surrendering to the Japanese is out of the question; it's either maybe die in a Blast Out or almost certainly get executed or sent to a forced-labor camp.
 * If I am a Chinese soldier during WWII, I will desert to British India, a random country in Asia not named Japan or Korea, or the Soviet Union at the first opportunity. Even that last one is preferable to what will happen if the Japanese invade.
 * However, under no circumstances will I flee to Malaysia or Singapore.
 * I will make sure I know what Hollywood Tactics are, and only employ them if my scriptwriter is an idiot or if Mel Gibson is present and on the same side as me. Or both.
 * Unless I have already had lots of screen time, I will never put too much faith in archery. If I am a main character, I should be relatively safe.
 * I will make sure that I don't have something to prove.
 * I will not give The Hero a hard time.
 * I will not be the guy wielding the flame thrower unless the enemies can only engage using melee attacks. Or I'm a Badass and happen to have some damn cool backup
 * If the General comes up with a brilliant plan to end the war by Christmas, I will wish him well and be as far away from that particular operation as possible.
 * I will not have a quirk or skill that endears me to the rest of my unit, like, say, making really good coffee in the coffeepot I carry with me.
 * If the enemy's using demons, gods, or other supernatural soldiers, I damn well better have a sword--the bigger the better.
 * Unless the Legions of Hell march in large formation wielding bronze weaponry, in which case the only claymore I'm going to use is claymore mines. Lots and lots of them.
 * I will not fight at the Somme on 1 July 1916, if I want to survive the war. Otherwise, if I end up at the Somme on that infamous day, I'm simply screwed.
 * Even if I'm German.
 * In general, I will try to avoid Passchendaele if I am Canadian, Vimy Ridge if German, and if I am an Australian or a New Zealander, I do my uttermost to stay out of Turkey.
 * If I'm a British soldier in a WWI movie, I'll keep my ears open for caroling around Christmas time. Nothing like a football game to lighten the tone of the movie, thus making it less likely to end in a Kill'Em All situation.
 * On the other hand, I will avoid heartwarming and touching cultural exchange with an enemy on the other side of the trenches unless he is about to die. People who do the right thing always die for some reason.
 * Unless that enemy is about to be wiped out by our side or I'm trapped with him behind the lines with him, in which case the enemy will either die in a Heroic Sacrifice to protect me, or I'll have to kill him and end up hanging over his body for the rest of the battle.
 * Under no circumstances will I reach for that butterfly that's just over the top of the trench.
 * If I see a bright red airplane and I am not part of the Central Alliance, I will avoid that airplane at all costs, unless my name happens to be Roy Brown. If my name is Roy Brown, I shall proceed to kick some baronial ass, and then spend the rest of the war in a cushy instructor job.
 * I will not underestimate the practical applications of machine guns. Sadly, if I'm an Allied soldier in either of the two World Wars, my commanding officers will.
 * If I am a drill sergeant, I will make sure I know when to cut my students a bit of slack. There's no sense in becoming a Drill Sergeant Nasty, especially when Vincent D'Onofrio is around.
 * I will make sure I know lots of amusing Sound Off songs. This will lighten the tone of the film, thus making survival more likely for everybody around me.
 * I will remember that nobody ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.
 * I will learn some really Rousing Speechs. Ideally, I will have William Shakespeare or Dylan Thomas writing them.
 * Whatever happens I will not let them ship me off to 'Nam because as we all know the Vietnam War was deadlier than both World Wars combined.
 * I will make sure I have all the ammunition I think I will need for any battle, then add as many additional magazines as I can cram into my pockets just in case.
 * I will make sure my weapon is well-maintained and insert a fresh magazine every chance I get.
 * In the event that my weapon jams in the middle of a battle, I will not stop where I am, stand still, and look at my weapon like I've never seen it jam before.
 * I will check the ammunition in my weapon prior to sneaking up behind someone to shoot him. In the event that my weapon does run out of ammunition, I will reload it without pause or duck behind an object.
 * After I've killed some of the enemies' soldiers, if time permits, I will take ammunition from those soldiers. This ammunition may come in handy later in the battle. However, if I didn't see the person die, I will not touch him or anything around him (booby traps).
 * This goes double for grenades, heavy weapons (if I'm supposed to bring them), and gear like gas masks or night vision. Nobody likes being run down because they forgot grenades or blinded for forgetting their snow goggles.
 * I will not turn my back on anyone that I have just shot, stabbed, or thrown from a moving vehicle. This person is probably just faking being dead and is only waiting for the chance to shoot me In the Back.
 * If I am taken prisoner, I will not use my sharp wit and sarcastic sense of humor on my interrogators, especially those who are already angry at me.
 * If I am a sniper who is trying to kill another sniper, I will make sure that the sun is not in front of me so as not to give the other sniper a glare to aim at and therefore shoot me through the eye.
 * I will not share a foxhole with anyone braver or stupider than me.
 * If I am put in command, I will not prematurely gloat at the stupidity of my adversary, nor will I commit myself to any plan that relies on the aforementioned stupidity.
 * If a single soldier is drawing attention to himself and waving his arms while running away, I will not send all of my troops after him.
 * I will disregard any advice that goes against good common sense or my training, such as leaving protective gear, special equipment or additional ammunition behind prior to entering battle.
 * I will especially adhere to this rule if a member of the elite special forces unit I'm hearing it from got chewed out for leaving his weapon at Condition Zero on-base.
 * If my brother or best friend tells me he's just signed up for the military because there is a war on, even though I may be tempted to join the military myself, I will instead sign up for a stateside job making rifles, bullets, first-aid supplies, or something else that's usually in short supply during a war, but under no circumastances will I sign up on my own. If drafted, I will not request to be transferred to my brother's unit.
 * If I get an ultra-hard badass drill instructor who gets in my face and tells me I can give up right now and go back home to momma, I'll take him up on his offer (and send him a Christmas card every year).
 * Likewise, if a recruiter/doctor/drill sergeant tells me I'm too short/fat/dumb to be a soldier, I'll take his word for it. I won't argue with anyone skilled at identifying someone unfit for the military.
 * I especially won't hide my old football injuries, colorblindness, or dyslexia. These problems will become obvious at exactly the wrong moment.
 * If I am in a position of authority, I will make sure I am never particuarly evil to anyone, especially guys who already seem to have a screw loose.
 * I will owe money to nearly everyone in the unit and assure them that they will be paid when we get back to the rear. This will surely invoke the, "That guy owes me money," reflex if I am wounded and in need of assistance.
 * I will not accept being referred to as newbie, FNG, greenie, cherry, or lucky.
 * The same goes to accepting the nickname Roach. poor bastard...
 * Same goes for the name "Meat" (especially the name Meat).
 * If I am an Allied POW in WWII, and am transported to an open field, I will try to escape. I will have more chances of surviving than sticking around and being executed via machine gun.
 * I will never talk about my good fortune at being placed in an area that sees no action. I will tell my loved ones back home to refrain from such talk as well. This goes double if I'm stationed in Hawaii.
 * If I witness one or more soldiers committing a war crime, I will not talk about how "you're going to get it when we get to the rear." I will instead say, "I ain't seen nuthin'," even if I am morally opposed to the atrocities I witnessed. Speaking up now will only get me killed.
 * Note that this doesn't preclude ratting them out once we're back at base, preferentially with evidence.
 * If my immediate superior orders me to commit a war crime myself, I will make very certain that I have my weapon trained on him before pointing out that this is an unlawful order. If he declines to take the hint, I will not prevaricate in any way before relieving him of command by force. If it's likely that my chain of command will be unsympathetic if I tell the whole truth in debriefing, but I cannot or will not desert or defect, I will frag him.
 * If I'm assigned to investigate a crime that has already taken place with evidence that is really shady and the command has made it clear to me that they just want the thing to go away, I'll go through the motions and make it go away.
 * When coming up with plans, I will never say things like, "What could possibly go wrong?" as this will only lead to the next scene showing what went wrong.
 * I will pay attention to all safety briefings, language classes, and area familiarity before any mission.
 * If a cease-fire is announced and not everyone believes it, I will not light a lighter or strike a match to prove it because there will likely be someone on the other side who hasn't heard about the cease-fire yet, either.
 * If I'm put in charge of any prisoners, I will not be fooled by their sad stories and will not loosen their restraints no matter how convincing their actions are. Even if he's telling the truth, once his hands are loose, he has a new motive.
 * If a prisoner claims he needs to go to the bathroom, I will keep him covered by at least one rifle at all times. If he complains of being uncomfortable trying to use the bathroom by being stared at, a couple of rounds fired just over his head will take care of it just fine.
 * I will learn to tell the difference between blood and ketchup.
 * While we're on the subject, I won't tighten their restraints because they asked me to.
 * I will not swear, make sexual or scatological references, use racially insensitive terms, or drink alcohol, or make any reference to drug use. I will also try my best to force others to do likewise: if this is a family friendly movie my odds of survival go right up.
 * I will make sure to stay the hell away from anyone named Sgt. Foley, especially if my last name happens to be Ramirez. Come to think of it, I'll just stay the hell away from the US military if it's after the year 2010.
 * More importantly, I shall shoot myself in the foot, arm, or anywhere else that's not the head before accepting the command of Lt. Vasquez. Even if I bleed out because of it, it'll the lesser of two evils...
 * I will also get the hell out of there if I end up in the same unit as Sgt. Roebuck or Sgt. Sullivan.
 * I should also avoid following Sgt. Reznov anywhere (especially if there's a chance that there's a sniper anywhere nearby).
 * However, I will gladly follow Sgt. Redford and his Bad Company into battle unless I'm a hippy helicopter pilot.
 * If I am not actually Cpt. Price, I will stay as far away from him as humanly possible. Even though I know that low Earth orbit over the other side of the planet may not be far enough.
 * I will not be a traitor.
 * Unless some moron put me in charge. Remember: a Mook who changes sides is a traitor; a commander who changes sides is a defector.
 * Unless, again, I stupidly decide to stay put to serve as a check on my superiors who I feel loyal to. I will be caught fraternizing with the enemy and scapegoated anyway.
 * Nor will I fail my Evil Overlord. In fact I will make sure to be useful.
 * If possible, I will request a transfer to Colonel Makepeace's command and/or The Cavalry. Otherwise, I'll volunteer to be the one who Brings News Back or Calls For Aid.
 * Alternatively, I will be a Heroic Sociopath. Then I'll have karma immunity and can brag about my indifference to pain and suffering. I will not be seen inflicting it, though, except on monsters. And I will counsel others not to be like me.
 * I will not be a Death Seeker, however. They are willing to die. If I am a Death Seeker, I will be The Berserker variety. That way I'll have at least a 50/50 chance of surviving any suicidal charge.
 * I will be a Shell-Shocked Veteran, and if possible suffer a Heroic BSOD. This will ensure I live to a ripe old age, provided I don't kill myself (which never happens in film anyhow). If I lose one or more limbs, I must become shell shocked in order to give my continued existence on screen some meaning, because otherwise I won't even die on screen.
 * I will be a Straw Atheist. The film will be dedicated to proving there are no atheists in foxholes through the inspirational deaths of my most devout fellow soldiers, which will fill me with grief as I contemplate why I had to live, and they had to die.
 * Better yet, I will be an agnostic, and discuss my beliefs. Agnostics never die, they just fade away survive to write the book on which the film is based.
 * I will be a Technical Pacifist, but only if I am a jerk or the new guy. The film will be dedicated to proving me wrong by forcing me to look on as everyone else in my company gets slaughtered, until by the time I resolve to lay my life down, it'll be over thanks to The Cavalry, who will fill me with shame as I contemplate why I had to live, and they had to die. Then they will be sent back into the meat grinder and I will be sent back to the journalism corps where I will learn to get over my survival by copious amounts of beer and women.
 * I will not be an Actual Pacifist. They get fragged and become martyr figures, making it an anti-war movie which means everyone else eventually dies as well. If I am an Actual Pacifist and stay home, it's not a war film so I don't have a problem.
 * Unless it's one of those horribly depressing World Gone Mad flicks where I starve to death. In which case I will get through the occupation by becoming a Loveable Rogue.
 * If my comrade pulls a Leeroy Jenkins, I will say, "Oh my god, he just ran in." I will ask someone to calculate the odds of survival. Then I will sit back and laugh.
 * If I get a small wound, I'll scream and cry that I'm dying and talk about how my life is flashing before my eyes. This will ensure a medic will come over and tell me that I only have a flesh wound.
 * Similarly, I'll make sure I have a can of tomato juice on me at all times. Apparently, that stuff attracts bullets and makes you think you've been shot when you're actually okay, which is good for a laugh in a tense situation.
 * If someone offers me a good luck charm, I will refuse it. Likewise for a religious medalion. This will ensure that I'm annonymous enough by the end of the movie that my dead body won't be identifiable by the charm/religous artifact, thereby implying that I lived.
 * Given the chance to shoot an unarmed or wounded enemy that has just been captured, I will shoot him until he's dead (and stab him a few times to make sure). This will keep me from having to see him shoot me or my friends later in the film.
 * I'll redeem myself by tearfully confessing my crime to my spouse or grandchildren years later, preferably long after everyone has forgotten about whatever war I was in.
 * I will make sure to get everyone to call me JUST by my last name. Everyone who gets called by their rank before their last name seems to get gunned down really quickly.
 * I will marry a princess from another race as soon as possible. This will assure that I will not only survive but will become a monarch and it will be my Red Shirts that have to worry about surviving.
 * I will always make sure there is at least one Action Girl in my unit.
 * I will never dress in field-gray however sensible a color that would seem to be for campaigning in Central Europe.
 * I will not be part of any army with the adjective "Imperial" as part of it's title. (Unless we are facing the Light Brigade.)
 * I will not fight battles with a hot chick with an eyepatch.
 * Or against her.
 * I will not be anywhere within nine parsecs of that hot chick with an eyepatch on either side.
 * I will not seek an alliance with evil crab monsters. It never works out and it's bad for your image.
 * If I am the Evil Overlord's dragon I will pay attention to the Exact Words of prophecy and stay away from females and hobbits. Just in case I will bring a lawyer along to argue that the word "man" includes females and hobbits and hope that keeps me from dying.
 * I will not fight against Belisarius. If I do, I shall be a Rajput or a Kushan.
 * On a similar note, I shall never so much as step foot on the same battlefield as Lu Bu, let alone pursue him. Even if he's technically an "ally".
 * If I am in a movie about The Vietnam War, I will join the Viet Cong. They are almost never seen onscreen, and therefore their chances of survival are dramatically raised. I will not ever join the U.S. Army, unless I am an adorable mentally retarded man with an amazing talent for avoiding all types of danger.
 * If I am part of an attacking force against vastly outnumbered defenders with impossible odds against them, I will ensure that nobody in the defending force is British. If they are, I will either retreat or surrender, victory is impossible.
 * I will, however, make sure I'm with my comrades a few miles away where the larger British force has camped at the base of a convenient mountain.
 * If I am facing down a Tiger tank with rifles and small arms, I will make the deal. What kind of deal? A DEAL, deal!
 * I will leave the movie.
 * If I am a woman, I will not make any facetious comments about my spouse coming back from the front to kill me, thereby ensuring my husband's survival.
 * If I am a sniper, I will change my firing position frequently and I will never ever ever sit in a bell tower or any other place with only one way down.
 * Also, when possible I will aim at center of mass.
 * If I am an Aristocratic Austrian Shell-Shocked Veteran married to a Manic Pixie Dream Girl and I am offered command of a Nazi submarine I will stop to win a singing contest before running to Switzerland. Getting the help of my wife's nun buddies will also be a good idea.
 * I will not repeat not ask for an assignment on a giant space station commanded by a Sith Lord. It never works out.
 * I will not try to invade Earth. Ever.
 * I will not assume that the strange town I have just seen is just another helpless hamlet. I will not stop to pillage innocent farmers along the way near that town. I will remember that little girls in that town train for sport with rifles... and they don't mess around when shooting.
 * I will not claim to be Spartacus. Claiming that honor is hubristic. My name is Fred. He is Spartacus.
 * If three goddesses conscript me to judge a beauty contest between them I will not be bribed by the offer of the most beautiful woman on Earth. I Will be bribed by the offer to be the smartest man of all. This will allow me to get all the power I want and all the beautiful women I want as well as help me to figure out how to keep the Topless Towers of Ilium from being sacked.
 * If I am on the other side, I will choose to live long in obscurity. I do not wish to die young and I do not care two Drachmas about glory.
 * If nothing else I will learn to take a bath properly.