Apocalypse Now/Funny

"Chef: How come all you guys sit on your helmets? Soldier: So we don't get our balls blown off. (beat)
 * "HEY, G.I.! FUCK—" *BOOM*
 * "Fucker."
 * During the helicopter ride:
 * Chef laughs uproariously*
 * Chef takes off his helmet and sits on it*"

"Willard: No wonder Kurtz put a weed up Command's ass. The war was being run by a bunch of four star clowns who were gonna end up giving the whole circus away."
 * During one of Willard's examinations of Colonel Kurtz's profile information Captain Willard finally affirms how Kurtz's methods aren't as absurd as the American Government led him to believe, the commanders of the war are just as crazy as Kurtz is if not more:

"Willard: Charging a man with murder in this place was like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500."
 * Captain Willard's views on assassinating Colonel Kurtz, in response to his unauthorized killings of spies who he thought were the enemy, as absurd takes place even earlier than that when he amusingly says that charging people of murder in a war is laughable: