Angel/Quotes

""I’m looking for Batman meets Smashing Pumpkins a la cello-rock.""

- Music coordinator John King quoting Joss Whedon's Theme Song request

""[T]he situations on this show are so insane that it's hard to decide what constitutes rational behavior. You can't get very far in a sentence that starts, 'If I were a sexy yet troubled cat burglar with electro-powers and I was trying to help a vampire prevent Satan from turning the sun out...' before giving up.""

- Strega, Television Without Pity

"''"Let me tell you a lil' bedtime story."

"But I'm not sleepy."

"Once Upon a Time there was a vampire. And he was the meanest vampire in all the land. I mean, other vampires were afraid of him he was such a bastard! Then, one day, he's cursed, by gypsies. They restore his human soul and suddenly he's mad with guilt. Y'know, "what have I done, wah wah..." You know, he's freaked."

"Okay. Now I'm sleepy.''""

- Doyle and Angel, "City Of"

"''"It's about showing people there's still love and hope in the world!"

"Spare change?"

"Get a job, you lazy sow."''"

- Doyle to a homeless woman

"''"So, um, are you still... 'Grrr'?"

"Yeah. There's not actually a cure for that."''"

- Cordelia and Angel

"''"They're messages I get... you know, from the higher powers, whoever they may be. You know ... it's my gift!"

"If that was my gift, I'd return it."''"

- Doyle and Cordelia

"[as Rachel, falsetto] "How can I thank you, you mysterious, black-clad, hunk-of-a-knight thing?"

[as Angel, basso] "No need, little lady. Your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I'm just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No! Not the hair, never the hair."

[as Rachel] "But there must be some way I can show my appreciation..."

[as Angel] No! Helping those in need's my job. And working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough."

[as Rachel] "I understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so..."

[as Angel] Say no more; Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair gel that I like so much. Quickly! To the Angelmobile — Away!""

- Spike impersonating Angel from a rooftop, "In the Dark"

"''"Now you’re talking like a detective."

"I am a detective."

"Well, you see, the thing about detectives is, they have résumés. And business licenses. And last names. Pop stars and popes — those are the one-name guys."

"You got me. I’m the pope."''"

- Kate and Angel

"Harrie: I am only going to ask you this once, Richard. And I expect a straight answer. Were you, or were you not, intending to eat my ex-husband's brains?

Richard: In a way.

Harrie: And when were you planning on telling me?

Richard: I thought maybe I wouldn't have to.

Harrie: You were going to start our life out together with deceit?

Doyle: [to Angel] Sorta missing the point, isn't she?"

- "Bachelor Party"

"''"Hi! You having fun?"

"Sure. This is... um..."

"Your idea of hell."

"Actually, in hell you tend to know a lot of the people."''"

- Cordelia and Angel, dutifully attending a party. ("She")

""I've got two modes with people: bite and avoid.""

- Angel

""Here's the plan: We go in, I start hitting people hard in the face, see where it takes us.""

- Angel

"[drunkenly] ''"I hurt a lot of people."

"I don't believe that."

"No, it's true. I was bad. Which is why I have to help people now. I'm trying to atone."

"Cordelia says you've saved the world."

"Couple times I helped. But I almost had it sucked into hell once, too."

"Still, don't you think after all this time you deserve some happiness?"''

[chuckles] ''"That's probably not a good idea.""

- Angel and Rebecca, "Eternity"

"David Nabbit: "Are you familiar with Dungeons and Dragons?"

Angel: "Yeah. I've seen a few."

Wesley: "You mean the, uh, role-playing game."

Angel: "Oh. Game. Right.""

"''"Demons with one eye, demons with twelve eyes, some with double vision. No blind demons. Perhaps Angel's discovered a new species."

"What, Helen Kellerus Homicidalus?"''"

- Wesley and Cordelia, "Blind Date"

""Well, our files aren't a hundred percent, but I guess it's fair to say you've never seen anything like real poverty. I'm talking dirt poor. No shoes, no toilet, six of us kids in one room. And come flu season it was down to four. I was seven when they took the house. They just came right in and took it. And my daddy's being nice, you know? Joking with the bastards while he signs the deed. So yeah, we had a choice. You got stepped on or you got to stepping. And I swore to myself that I was not gonna be the guy standing there with a stupid grin on my face while my life got dribbled out."

[pretends to jolt awake] I'm sorry, I nodded off. Did you get to the part where you're evil?""

- Lindsey and Angel

""Woo hoo! My God! They told me it was true, but I didn't believe em. Damn, here it is. Evil white folks really do have a mecca. Now, now, now girls, don't get all riled up. Did you just step on my foot? Was that my foot you just stepped on? Are you assaulting me up in this haven of justice?! Somebody get me a lawyer, because my civil rights have seriously been violated. Oh, I get it, y'all can cater to the demon... cater to the dead man... but what about the black man!?""

- Gunn'

"[on phone] "If you don't sign, we'll sue your ass off and kill your children. Just kidding, Donald. Nobody wants a lawsuit.""

- Lilah

""I've been accused of a great many things in my time, but paranoid has never been one of them. (Beat) Unless people have been saying it behind my back.""

- Welsey, "Are You Now or Have You Ever Been"

"''"This place is never gonna get clean."

"Buck up. It's just a little dust."

"Oh, this isn't mere dust. This is "Son of Dust". This is the kind of dust that spawns countless generations of little baby dust. I give up."

"I suppose will just have to move our offices back into your apartment, then."

"And I'm dusting."''"

- Cordelia and Wesley, "First Impressions"

"''"Gunn's been working hard for us. He should be pulling in a check."

"I'll think about asking him."

"No think, pay. That's an order."

"Let's pretend for a minute that you work for'' me."

''"Man, you are really unpleasant--"

"Okay, then let's pretend you'' don't."

"You can't fire me. I'm vision girl." (sticks out tongue)"

- Cordelia and Angel, "Untouched"

"''"What do we know about telekinesis?"

"Ah yes, the power of moving things with one's mind. (beat) That's pretty much it, the power of...moving."''"

- Angel and Wesley, "Untouched"

"''"All that power wasted on a whiny, mopey do-gooder. God, I could eat his eyeballs."

"Our plans for Angel are a little more long-term than that. But if you can't help yourself, then by all means, be my guest."

"You're fun for a human."''"

- Darla and Lindsey, "Dear Boy"

""I'm not ''crazy. I'm telling you, I saw her!"

"Who?"

"Darla."

"Where?"

"Right between the clowns and the big talking hot dog!"''"

- Angel and Wesley, "Dear Boy"

"[spins in Angel's chair] ''"Hey, look at me, I'm Angel!"

"He doesn't generally spin that much."

"Right. This is Angel." [as Angel]: Oh, no, I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday."''"

- Cordelia and Wesley, "Guise Will Be Guise"

"''"It's this man, Holtz. How does he keep finding us?"

"Well, we stay in the best hotels, order room service, eat the waiters. People talk."''"

- Angelus and Darla, "The Trial"

"''"Uh, how long have you been..."

"Oh, an eternal child of the darkness? Since, ah...'92."''

"Nineteen ninety two??"

(chuckling) ''"I know. It's hard to believe it's already the last century."

"And in all this time you've never considered making yourself a mate?"

"How do you mean?"

"Well, isn't it true that some vampires choose a mortal, someone they can sire, someone who, too, can walk those lonely nights, hunting with them, feeding with them, joining with them..."

"No! That'd just be weird."

".......'Weird?' It's mythic."

"No, you been reading too much Anne Rice, lady! You got no idea how this thing works!"''"

- Darla and Barfly vampire, "The Trial"

"(to Darla) ''First up, you're a prisoner."

"I'd have to concur with that, yes."

"See, you've got our friend all in knots."

"Can't say we like you much."

"So, sorry about the dying, but if you try to escape, we will hit you."

"On the head."

"With very large and heavy objects. Okay?"''"

- 'Cordelia and Wesley'', "The Trial"

"''"I can crush the life out of you before they even lift a finger."

"Oh, I'm sure you can. Just as sure as I am that you won't."

"Won't I?"

"You don't kill humans."

"You don't qualify. You set things in motion, play your little games up here in your glass and chrome tower, and people die. Innocent people."

"And yet I just can't seem to care. But you do. And while you're making threats, wasting time, crashing through windows, your girls are out painting the town red, red, red.""

- Angel and Holland Manners, "Reunion"

"Cordelia: What just happened? Can someone explain to me what just happened here?

Wesley: I believe we were fired.

Gunn: Canned.

Wesley: Let go.

Gunn: Axed.

Wesley: Shown the door.

Gunn: Booted.

Cordelia: All right! I get it."

- "Redefinition"

"''"Oh, what's wrong, Lindsey? You bitter because your girlfriend didn't slit my throat?"

"That might be overstating it. More like bummed."''"

- Lilah and Lindsey, "Redefinition"

"''"My name's Darla and this is Drusilla. We're new in town, though some of you know us by reputation."

"I never heard of you before."''

(Drusilla reaches up from behind him and casually rips off his ears)

"Now you never will. I trust we have everyone's attention? Good.""

- Darla and demon bouncer, "Redefintion"

"''"I'm sitting in my office and every time there is a noise or the phone rings... One of us is gonna die, Lindsey."

"Everybody dies, Lilah."

"But not everybody ends up in a dog-food processing plant in San Pedro."''"

- Lilah and Lindsey, "Redefinition"

""I've heard the rumors. We both know that it worked for you once before. You knew just what to take. And this time you won't have to assume any of the risk. You just tell me which files to steal and I'll get them. And then we can get out of here. End this mess together. Are you in?"

(Lindsey strokes the side of Lilah's face and leans in to kiss her, while his hand slips down into her blouse and pulls out a wire)

(speaking into the tiny microphone) But Lilah, I would never steal files from my employer! I'm shocked at the suggestion!""

- Lilah and Lindsey, "Redefinition"

""I didn't like that bartender. His eyeballs got stuck to my fingers." (licks fingers)"

- Drusilla, "Redfinition"

""Seventeen karaoke bars... you know, I need to lie down and scrub out the inside of my head.""

- Angel, "Happy Anniversary"

"''"You're not gonna win."

"Well...no. Of course we aren't. We have no intention of doing anything so prosaic as 'winning.'"

"Then why...?"

"Hmm? I'm sorry, why what?"

"Why fight?"

"That's really the question you should be asking yourself, isn't it? See, for us, there is no fight. Which is why winning doesn't enter into it. We go on -- no matter what. Our firm has always been here in one form or another. The Inquisition. The Khmer Rouge. We were there when the very first cave man clubbed his neighbor. See, we're in the hearts and minds of every single living being. And that, friend, is what's making things so difficult for you. See, the world doesn't work in spite of evil, Angel. It works with us. It works because of us."''"

- Angel and Holland, "Reprise"

""Man, atonement's a bitch.""

- Angel, "Disharmony"

"''"You're... here for the children's reading program!"

"--Yes! Yes I am."

"It's not until tomorrow morning."

"I know. I never perform without checking out the space first. Get a feel for the room."

"Oh. Well. The kids will flip over your costume. It looks so authentic."

"Thank you."

"Except for the horns. But those are probably hard to fake."''"

- Librarian and Lorne, "Belonging"

"Wesley: We managed to kill the Haklar just as it was about to devour a group of power walkers.

Angel: It was horrible.

Cordelia: I know. I saw it in my stupid vision, remember?

Angel: No, not the Haklar, the power walkers. I mean, walking I get, but power walking? Why not just run for a shorter time? ...Weird. Plus, one of them hit him.

Cordelia: (gasps) A power walker did that??

Wesley: Apparently, she felt I'd disrespected the Haklar's culture by killing it.

Cordelia: This town sucks."

- "Belonging"

""That other girl. I couldn't save her. I was arrested. They got her. She's a slave. She'll die!"

"Oh, Cordy. No, she's fine. They made her a princess."

"They--- really?? Oh. When I got here they... they didn't do that. (beat) Well. That's nice for her.""

- Fred and Angel, "Through the Looking Glass"

"''"Say mom, when I disappeared, did you notice anything...odd?"

"We noticed much feasting and celebration. Your brother Numfar performed the dance of joy for three moons. ''(shouts to a boy in the background) NUMFAR! DO THE DANCE OF JOY!""

- Lorne and his mother

"Cordelia: (to Groosalug) You're in charge now. And you've got a long road ahead. Slavery has ended, but reconstruction has just begun.

Groo: What is this "reconstruction?"

Cordelia: Gunn, you wanna field this?

Gunn: It means, saying people are free, don't make em free. You've got races that hate each other. You got some folks getting work they don't want, others losing the little they had. You're looking at social confusion, economic depression and probably some riots. Good luck."

- "There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb"

"''"Five herb shops in Chinatown; we've been to four. How come whatever we're searching for is always in the last place we look?"

"I suppose it's one of the unwritten laws of being a dick. (beat) Uh, erm, sleuth, a gumshoe, Sherlock."

"All I know is you use the word dick again, and we're gonna have a problem."''"

- Gunn and Wesley

"(on Fred) ''"She's got the big puppy love. I mean, who wouldn't? You're handsome and brave and heroic, emotionally stunted, erratic, prone to turning evil, and let's face it, a eunuch."

"Hey! How can you...I'm not a eunuch."

"Angel, it's just a figure of speech."''

"Find another one.""

- Cordelia and Angel

"Wesley: This isn't like him.

Cordelia: What? This is totally like him. Doing the mystery dance with some cheap blonde?

Fred: Brunette. She was a cheap brunette.

Cordelia: (alarmed) You're right. This isn't like him."

"Cordelia: (as Buffy) Oh, Angel! I know that I am a Slayer, and you are a vampire, and it would be impossible for us to be together, but--

Wesley: (as Angel) But my gypsy curse, and our hot little loins, sometimes prevent me from seeing the truth. Oh, Buffy...

Cordelia: Yes, Angel?

Wesley: I love you so much I almost forgot to brood!

Cordelia: And just because I sent you to hell that one time doesn't mean we can't just...be friends!

Wesley: (Clint Squint) Or possibly more?

Cordelia: GASP! No! We mustn't!

Wesley: Kiss me!

Cordelia: Bite me!

Angel: (offscreen) How about you both bite me?"

"''"Well frankly, Angel, I don't care if you drink pig's blood, cow's blood, or those froofy little imported beers. You saved my little girl."

"Well, I wouldn't have had to if she hadn't gone all Amazonian and whacked that thing with a golf club."

"Well, I'll tell you. I haven't seen a stroke like that since Nicklaus took on Gary Player in the '63 --"''

(Finishing Each Other's Sentences) "Bob Hope Desert Classic!""

- Roger Burkle and Angel

"''"Who's Darla?"

"Angel's old flame from way back."

"Not the one who died?"

"Yeah. --No. Not that one, the other one that died and came back to life. She's a vampire."

(confused) "Do y'all have a chart or somethin'?"

"In the files, I'll get it for you later."''"

- Fred and Gunn

"''"Thank you for coming. And correct me if I'm wrong, but the role of a psychic is to be psychic. To predict the future, so that Wolfram and Hart doesn't find itself in this kind of predicament."

"I can't apologize enough, sir."

"You're right. You can't. (chuckles) But I'm not without compassion. I'm gonna give you a chance to save your job - and your skin."

(breaths sigh of relief, then looks troubled) ...No you're not. You're gonna have me killed."

"Now, why couldn't you have had that kind of foresight when we needed it?"''"

- Linwood and Bald psychic

"Angel: Darla, you might wanna join the fight.

Darla: Sorry, darling. I'm gonna have to be Switzerland and sit this one out. Now, you did say you were just gonna kill the humans, right?

Vampire: Yes, just the humans. Then we will nourish you, slice you open, wear your entrails as a belt and consume your eyeballs before we worship the miracle child.

Darla: Okay. I'm in."

""My son has a tiny scratch on his cheek, and now, by extraordinary coincidence so do you. I'm holding you personally responsible for anything that happens to him whether it's your fault or not. Cold, sunburn, scratched knee, what ever happens to him, happens to you, and then some. ''For not only are you not coming after him, you gonna make sure that he lives a long, healthy life. You just became his godfather -- Understand?"

"I believe I do."

"Oh, and one more thing. College fund? Start saving. I got my heart set on Notre Dame."''"

- Angel and Linwood

""Finding Holtz and making money are our two number one priorities."

(Cordelia walks by and clears her throat)'

"Helping the helpless, finding Holtz, and making money are our three number one priorities."''"

- Angel

"''"This is tutus and guys with their big-ass packages jumping up and down! This is just — I will never trust you again. The trust is gone."

"Guys, seeing the ballet live, it's-- it's like another world. Gunn, these guys are tight, and you're going to be tripping out!"

"Don't be using my own phrases when we've lost the trust."''"

- Gunn and Angel

"''"Hockey is just a great sport, greatest sport known to man!"

"Dude, hockey is the whitest sport known to man."

"That may be, but the games are indoors and usually at night."''"

- Angel and Gunn

"''"You back-stabbing, traitorous bitch. I have a lot of work to do. I can't be in every time/space at once, and here I find you drinking with my sworn enemy."

"Sworn enemy? Really? Have we met? Because I don't remember swearing."''"

- Sahjhan and Angel

""You do not want the child alive. You want the child dead. ''That was our arrangement."

"Yeah, I'm a lawyer. Have you met me? We have a new arrangement. I'm keeping the baby.''"

- Sahjhan and Lilah

"''"Angel, you and I have fought side by side on more than one occasion. Fellow warriors, shoulder to shoulder. By now, my counsel must assuredly hold weight, so I beseech you to heed my words."

"Oo-kay...?"

"Pomegranate Mist is the wrong color for this room."''"

- Groosalugg and Angel

"''"Summer Splendor is a hue more worthy of a champion. Or, perhaps this unique one called "purpla"."

"Purple. Yet you have no problems pronouncing pomegranate."

"It was my mother's name."''"

- Groosalugg and Angel

"Wesley: To family.

Angel: To family.

Lorne: As long as it's not mine."

"''"The great Wesley Wyndham-Price, the shining beacon of all that's good and pure. But wait, no! That's before he started banging the enemy and keeping slave-girl in his closet."

"You were always a slave, Justine. You just couldn't see the chains."

"Thanks, Swami, I'll meditate on that."''"

- Justine and Wesley

"''"Angel got what he deserved."

"We all get what we deserve. You and Holtz deserved each other. You two have so much in common. Pain, loss, deep seated lack of anything approaching humor."

"I dunno,w e had a few laughs. Getting you to steal Angel's baby, now that was a good one."

"Better than tricking Connor into sinking his father to the bottom of the ocean?"

"Well, that was worth a couple of yuks, too."''"

- Justine and "Wesley'

"''"Who Are You?"

"Who are'' you?"

''"I asked you first."

"What are you, seven?"''"

- Angel and Gwen Raiden

"''"So Angel knows about our relationship. Big deal."

"A dollar! You owe me a dollar!"

"Oh, damn."

"You called this a 'relationship'."''"

- Wesley and Lilah

""It all makes perfect sense now. I was a cheerleader, a princess and a warrior. And I have visions and super powers and I'm the target of an evil law firm because I've spent the last three months living on a higher plane, fighting for the forces of good, who wage a battle against demons and evilies and squishy bug babies, 'cause all that stuff's real and that's the world I live in. And-and I think I know why I don't remember any of this 'cause, hey, who'd want to!""

- Cordelia

"''"You know Angel, coming from you, idle threats are so, well, idle."

"You remember when I ripped your car in half?"

"Yeah, yeah. Hulk smash."''"

- Lilah and Angel'

"''"The cross obviously doesn't affect me, or our friend the pugilist."

"Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up."''"

- Teen Wesley and Teen Gunn

"(as Fred)"Forget about that evil witch. Let's talk about me. I'm good, and pure, and science turns me on, and one day, if I pray hard enough and eat all my vegetables, I just might have hips!""

- Lilah

""You're not getting anything ''out of me this time, either."

"Didn't think I would. But Gavin, he was more accommodating."''

(gesturing to a Bound and Gagged Gavin)

''"Couldn't you have at least tortured him a little bit more?"

"I really wanted to, but he wouldn't stop talking long enough for me to get into it."''"

- Lilah and Angel

"''"The enemy of my enemy..."

"Can kiss my ass too."''"

- Angel and Lilah

""There is ''a line, Lilah. Black and white, good and evil."

Funny thing about black and white — you mix it together and you get gray. And it doesn't matter how much white you try and put back in, you're never gonna get anything but gray. And I don't see your Texas gal-pal wearing that color. Come to think of it, she prefers black.""

- Welsey and Lilah

"''"What's a zombie?"

"It's an undead thing."

"Like you?"

"No! Zombies are slow-moving, dimwitted things that crave human flesh."''

(smirking) "Like you."

"NO!"''"

- Connor and Angel

""Demon, okay? The whole nine: cloven feet and horns and teeth and... (looks at Lorne) ''he wasn't wearing lamé, though."

"Yeah, the evil ones can't pull it off. It gets camp."''"

- Gwen and Lorne

"''"I'm Angel. That's Gwen. You got a name?"

"I am Manjet. Sacred guardian of the Shen, keeper of the Orb of Ma'at, and devotee of light. Off hours I like Manny."''"

"''"We could rule this world. Why do you oppose me?

"Rain of fire. Blocking out the sun. And you just kinda piss me off."''"

- The Beast and Angel

"Angel: Wood. Why did it have to be wood.

Wesley: We have to pass through the corridor without ringing any of the bells."

Cordelia: (looks down at her chest) I knew you two would get me in trouble someday."

""We just gotta find a way to bring back the sun."

"Working on it. Failing miserably, but working on it.""

- Cordelia and Fred

""Yeah, soul-boy. Nice job, bringing the sun back." (turns around to see Angelus)'' Oh-- hey! Angelus! Buy you a warm one?"

"Maybe after."

"After what?"

"After I rip out your windpipe so it stops making that annoying talky sound."

"Wait! I have a condition. Whoop! Goh, boy! Dirty bitch! Tourettes. You've heard of it, right?"''"

- Bar demon and Angelus

"''"Destruction sometimes is its own reward."

"Hey, man, you're preaching to the guy who ate the choir."''"

- Beastmaster and Angelus

"''"YOU would dare to defy ME?!"

"Defy who? A big scary voice? Whoa, hey, I got one of those, too. You wanna hear it? (cups his hands over his mouth) YOU CAN KISS - MY - VAMPIRE - ASS!""

- Beastmaster and Angelus