I Take Offense to That Last One



"Ugly Dog Theory: In a comedy, whenever someone is being pummeled with insults, it's always the last and most seemingly innocent insult that evokes a heated response. Example: "You're ugly, your mother is ugly, your brother is ugly and your dog is ugly!" Response: "You can't talk that way about my dog!""

- Roger Ebert

Someone accused of Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking responds, "I have never jaywalked."

This comedy trope finds its way into TV shows and movies of almost every genre.

After being given a Long List of their flaws and transgressions, a character responds by selecting one of the flaws, and saying "I am not (flaw)!", as if to imply that all the other flaws were all spot-on. For maximum comedic effect, offense is taken to the mildest one in the list, or the offendee has to ask the offender to repeat the one he's offended by ("Hey, I am NOT a... um, what was that last one again?"). Frequently, they'll be entirely justified. Despite the name, the character usually doesn't pick the last one. If their Berserk Button comes up, it's going to offend them more than any other insult. Often used sarcastically with affable 'scoundrel' characters, and a staple of the Deadpan Snarker.

A variation on this is for the character to claim that the string of insults is a half-truth, letting the viewer try to decide which parts are true or not.

Compare: My Friends and Zoidberg, and Insult Backfire. This is a case of the character on the receiving end of Comically Missing the Point.

Advertising

 * One Coke Zero ad shows an eye arguing with a pair of tongues. The eye tells the tongue it's drinking Coke Zero. One of the tongues says, "Know why we don't like you, Eye? Because you're a big, fat liar." The eye gasps. "I am not fat!"
 * A TV ad for Helio mobile products had a daughter bring home a man of a different race. She doesn't care about the very offensive things her parents say, but she does get upset over their calling his Helio a "phone".

Anime & Manga
"Misty: You can stuff your greedy little face after we find a Pokemon Center! Ash: My face is little?"
 * Pokémon:

"Miyuki: Eat shit, you old fart. Hana: "Shit" I'll take, but "fart" I won't!"
 * Tokyo Godfathers:


 * In this case, the character Hana was taking offense to the implication that the term "old fart" was referring to the character as a male.

"Ryusei: Great. My rival's a jerk, and the chick's a nag. Rai: Jerk? Aya: Chick?"
 * Toward the beginning of Super Robot Wars Original Generation, newly-Ascended Fanboy Ryusei gets a little too blunt with his Genre Savviness.

"Kogarashi: So the clumsy maid is easy too.
 * Kamen no Maid Guy:

Fubuki: Who are you calling "clumsy"?"

"Gintoki: Do you hope to get sympathy by faking insanity? Kagura: Feigning insanity? How rude! I'm not feigning anything!"
 * Gintama

"Hiei: I believe these demons are technically classified as weak and ugly. Random demon: Who are you calling ugly?!"
 * Yu Yu Hakusho, when Yusuke and Hiei are confronted by two demon Mooks.

"Yumichika: Who might you be? It's not my nature to remember ugly faces? Ganju: The Hell?! Everyone knows I got more handsome with these bandages wrapped around! And even with these bandages, you can't even tell what I look like you dumbass! Uryu: So you're not gonna deny the ugly part...?"
 * Bleach
 * Subverted when Ganju is offended in everything BUT the ugly comment by Yumichika -- even better is that it's lampshaded by Uryu Ishida.

"Hitsugaya: You're even shorter than I am!"
 * Straight when Hiyori is going off on Hitsugaya, throwing insults at his cool façade until something sticks. Tries calling him a stupid, crafty kid, then baldy (ad nauseam), but finally hits his Berserk Button with "midget".

"Casting Director: You ugly slut! Mako: Ugly? UGLY?!"
 * Nerima Daikon Brothers:

"Perrine: You're like some kind of rabid raccoon-dog hybrid! Yoshika: Raccoon?"
 * A variation from Space Pirate Mito. The Galactic Patrol is looking for the main character, Aoi Mitsukuni, and to flush him out, they announce his "crimes" to the general populace, hoping they'll hand him over. In order, this includes being the son of a wanted Space Pirate, seducing woman, being a ten-foot monster (and apparently a gremlin), and disrespecting his parents, since he injured his mother and ran away. Hearing the announcement, his classmates ask if it's true, and Aoi replies, "It's true," but stops short, leading his friends to have Imagine Spots based on the more outlandish claims. (He really meant the last one, though the first is also true).
 * Strike Witches:

"Ranma: Who'd want to date a stupid selfish cat girl like you? Shampoo: (pushing Ranma into Koi pond) Shampoo selfish, not stupid."
 * Ranma ½: Ranma just keeps begging for it.

"Walter von Schenkopf: You seem to be saying that I'm a middle-aged scoundrel... I'm still not middle-aged."
 * Legend of Galactic Heroes:

"Guy: (addressing Nami) You are uncute in a normal way. Nami: Don't say normal!"
 * Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei
 * In the episode dealing with "criticism training" (i.e. Nozomu have a guy show up and insult the students):

"Gohan: You're stupid and ugly and... YOU SMELL! Nappa: (screams) ... I smell?! Why -- you -- it's not my fault! I've been cooped up in a space pod for a year, what do you expect?!"
 * In one manga chapter, for reasons that make as much sense in context, Nozomu brings in his "second opinion" of his students, who are (mostly ) Gonk guys in wigs who imitate their mannerisms. When the one for Yaoi Fangirl Harumi shows up and announces a Slash pairing preference, Nami muses at how similar they are. Harumi, angrily indicates that she isn't like that- she prefers a different "top", and declares they (the pairings) aren't alike at all. Thus, she implies that this detail is the only one she contests and her response supports the depiction of her as an obsessive Yaoi Fangirl.
 * Dragon Ball Kai

"some random girl: The way Orimura-kun is receiving it isn’t bad neither... Ichika: (in his mind) Hey, what’s the meaning of that last comment!?"
 * Infinite Stratos, in the Light Novel:

"Naruto: You're nothing but a lousy little pervert!!! Jiraiya: I am NOT a little pervert! Naruto: Oh yeah? Then tell me, what are you? Jiraiya: Ah hah hah hah! ...I'm a big one!"
 * In the first episode of the English dub of Oh! Edo Rocket Genjiro refers to Akai, a Smug Snake Obstructive Bureaucrat as "Deputy Douchebag". Akai corrects him, complaining that his title is Special Agent, not Deputy.
 * Naruto

"Edward: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MICRO-SIZED HALF-PINT WHO DIDN'T GROW UP BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DRINK MILK?!"
 * In Fullmetal Alchemist (both anime series and the manga), Edward Elric has several scenes in which his adversaries throw insults at him, which he takes coolly... until they point out his height.


 * Note that on all of these occasions, the worst they ever called Ed is short; the elaboration is all Ed's.

Comedy
""I've got a friend that got into an argument with a barmaid from Sunderland. Long story short, he ended up calling her a 'fat, ugly Geordie c*nt.' And she said, 'I'm no a Geordie.'""
 * Jimmy Carr:

Comic Books
"Obélix: I may be a traitor, but I am not fat!"
 * Happens sometimes with Obélix in the Asterix comics:

"Jack: Now why'd you do that? Hannah: I don't like being called judgmental. Jack: You don't argue with light-fingered? (Hannah swings an oar at him)"
 * A variation on the theme from Xenozoic Tales: Jack calls Hannah judgemental and light-fingered. She swings the sails of the boat they are on, causing the boat to shift and deposit Jack in the water.

"Amon Sur: It's ironic, isn't it, Jordan? Hal Jordan: What is, Amon? Me about to break your nose with your father's ring? Amon Sur: You dying here. Killed by Sinestro's army. Alone. You've been despised and abandoned by your corps.
 * In the Green Lantern Arc "Sinestro Corps War", a variant of this is done for Hal Jordan by someone else. Someone who, incidentally, despises Jordan.

Off-panel voice: Despised is one thing. But abandoned?

The Cavalry: That, the Green Lantern Corps don't do."

"Student: I don't need some old nerd like you helping me out! Peter: Old? Student: I see you didn't argue with the nerd part... Peter: Old?"
 * Spider-Man. During JMS' tour on the comic, Peter had a job as a high school science teacher. This exchange followed after he met a particularly troublesome student:

"Caller 1: Is Scrooge McDuck really a greedy, cheap, stingy, miserly, cranky old wretch of a slavedriver? Caller 2: He sure is. At least that's what his nephew Donald said. Donald: Ulp! Scrooge: You think I'm old? You wound me."
 * In the Don Rosa comic "Attaaack!", Donald Duck and Scrooge are listening to somebody else's phone-call, trying to discover attack plans against Scrooge's money bin that way.

"Bruce: Show some respect. They were your grandparents. Damian: Just names and dusty frames on the walls to me. Alfred: I take exception to that. There is not a speck of dust collecting on those portraits."
 * Batman and Robin #1:

Comic Strips
"Calvin: What kind of sick freak would do something like this?! Hobbes: A reckless exaggerator. You don't look like a baboon... Calvin: Oh, you're a big help!"
 * Garfield: "I AM NOT EGOTISTICAL!"
 * Inverted slightly in Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin receives insulting letters from an anonymous sender. When he receives one that says, "You look like a baboon and smell like one too," he replies.

"Joanie: Private security? You mean those big, lawless pinheads in black tees and Ray-Bans who are always creating mayhem. Jeff: Oakleys. Joanie: What? Jeff: They wear Oakleys, mom. Only State Department weenies wear Ray-Bans."
 * X-Statix
 * Dead-Girl describes the Anarchist as "a scared, self-denying, guilt-ridden, washed-up excuse for a mutant" and follows up by saying he isn't even fun anymore. It was that last one that did it. This is naturally because he recognizes all the previous digs as completely factual.
 * Also, when watching a news montage that implicates X-Statix in illegal transactions involving drugs, land scams, and MP3's, the Anarchist replies with "MP3's? That's a damned lie!"
 * In Doonesbury, when Jeff brings up his interview with a private security contractor:

"Henry Mitchell: George, I've let you call Dennis some pretty nasty names, and said nothing but when you call our dog "mutt"..."
 * In one early Dennis the Menace US comic.


 * Bam. Dilbert strip.
 * Retail has this variant.

Fan Works
"Duke: They say you're a loser with a fetish for dressing up like animals. Joey: I am not a loser!"
 * Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series:

"Crowley: That vile angel wantonly seduced me. Aziraphale: (weakly) I don't think I was wanton."
 * In one Good Omens fanfic:

"Spain: [England] just said you'd be a pushover in bed. And also that you worship the ground I walk on. Romano: I am not a pushover, and -- and I'm not a pushover!"
 * From an Axis Powers Hetalia fanfic:

"Draco Malfoy: My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist. I despise gingers, and Mudbloods. I hate Gryfindor House and my parents work for the man who killed your parents. Do you want to be my friend? Harry Potter: Hate Gryfindor House? Get out of my face, Malfoy!"
 * A Very Potter Sequel:

"Nexko: Get the hell out of my way, you arrogant, retarded, self-centered, immature, power-hungry, lying, reckless, treasonous whore! Xertra: I am not a retarded whore, asshole."
 * On the Kingdom Hearts fanon Wiki, there's an alternate reality called the Nightverse, essentially something along the lines of Kingdom Hearts meets Watchmen where the Darker and Edgier is taken Up to Eleven. In that reality, the group of villains is called The Midnight Syndicate, mostly consisting of the Nobodies of various Final Fantasy characters, but with a few original characters thrown in as well. Two members in particular, Nexko (original character) and Xertra (Terra Branford's Nobody) hate each other beyond any logic, at least by Nobody standards. One exchange between them partially overlaps with Insult Backfire.

""Bitch!" "Skank!" "Slut!" "Minmei!" "...YOU TAKE THAT BACK!""
 * The Insult Backfire comes in to play when one takes into account that Xertra actually isn't a whore, but she is a prime example of the tropes Really Gets Around and Anything That Moves. And it's implied that she takes pride in that she does it for free.
 * A gagdub of Neon Genesis Evangelion gave us this immortal exchange between Misato and Ritsuko:

"Yahiko: You have a lot of explaining to do, Psycho-Kid! Soujiro: Oh? I'm not a psycho-kid. That's silly. I'm already twenty-four. I'm not a kid anymore. Yahiko: ... Which means he didn't deny the "psycho" part at all?"
 * The fanfic Rurouni Yahiko has this:

"L: Hollywood will be doing a movie now? Does this make Raito-kun feel like a cheap prostitute as well?
 * This Death Note fan comic:

Raito: I'm NOT cheap!

L: I am amazed at which part of that statement you find offensive."

Films -- Animation
"Eris: You're a selfish, unprincipled liar! Sinbad: Wait a minute. I didn't lie."
 * From Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas. Note that

"Sunburn: Who are you, anyway? Sunflower: One of the hired help, just like you. Sunburn: And just who are you calling "hired?""
 * The Princess and the Frog: Prince Naveen takes offense at being called a philandering bum who spent all his time chasing chamber maids in his ivory tower: "It was polished marble."
 * From Filmation's Happily Ever After:

"Simba: But Zazu, you told me they're nothing but slobbering mangy stupid poachers. Zazu: Ix-nay on the oopid-stay... Banzai: Who you callin' 'oopid-stay'?!"
 * All Dogs Go to Heaven 2: "You contemptible K9!" "Don't call me K9!"
 * The Lion King has Banzai, who only seems to have a problem with being called stupid after hearing a bunch of insults:

"Cartman: Kyle, I'm sorry for all those times I called you a stupid Jew. I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew. Kyle: Yes I am, Cartman, I am a Jew! Cartman: No, don't be so hard on yourself."
 * South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
 * A hilarious reversal of this trope is seen in the movie:

"Cartman: Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew! Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word? Cartman: ... "Jew"?"
 * And a borderline case from earlier in the same movie.


 * The Emperors New Groove: Yzma insulted Kronk, calling him a "big stupid monkey." But what really hurt him? When she said she didn't like his spinach puffs!

Films -- Live-Action
"Princess Leia: Why, you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking, nerf herder! Han Solo: Who's scruffy-looking?"
 * Famously done in The Empire Strikes Back.

"Liz: You, hang out with my friends? A failed actress and a twat? Shaun: Well, that's a bit harsh. Liz: Your words, Shaun! Shaun: I did not call Diane a failed actress!"
 * From Shaun of the Dead:

"Jack: You sprung a man from jail, commandeered a ship of the fleet, sailed with a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga, and you're completely obsessed with treasure. Will: That's not true! I am NOT obsessed with treasure."
 * Of course, considering who he called a "twat," that makes sense.
 * Pirates of the Caribbean:

"Jane: You're a snob, a sexist, totally obnoxious, and tiresome. And lately, you've gotten just weird. Why should we believe anything you say? Nick: I'm not tiresome..."
 * To be fair, it's not like he can object to the rest... On the other hand, Sparrow wasn't necessarily talking about THAT kind of treasure.
 * From Metropolitan:

"Kane: You long-faced, overdressed anarchist. Leland: I am not overdressed."
 * This was even done in Citizen Kane (making it Older Than Television):

"Walter: You cannot carry all this negative energy into the tournament. The Dude: Fuck the tournament. Fuck you, Walter. Walter: "Fuck the tournament!?""
 * It should be noted that during the time period this scene takes place, being called an "anarchist" would be like being called a communist or a terrorist. Anarchism was a major revolutionary social movement and one anarchist was responsible for the assassination of William McKinley.
 * The Big Lebowski contains this exchange:

"Trinity: He called our mother an old (whispers)... Bambino: She is. Trinity: She's not that old."
 * Done in They Call Me Trinity where Trinity is explaining to Bambino (his brother) why they had to beat somebody up.

"Helena: You useless, cake-hogging coward! Valentine: I did not hog those cakes!"
 * Tall Tale: You can insult Pecos Bill to his face, or you can insult his mama or his horse. But don't ever insult Texas or you'll regret it.
 * Mirror Mask:

"Robert: You're crazy!
 * Enchanted:

Narissa: No. Spiteful, vindictive, and very large, but never crazy."

"Monty: You fat Russian fuck. Novotny: Fat Ukrainian fuck!"
 * Twenty Fifth Hour:

"Jim: You want Daddy to give you a spanking in front of this retard slut whore? Betty: I'm not retarded!"
 * Die Hard: Hans Gruber is not a common thief, he is an exceptional thief. And since he's moving up to kidnapping, she should be more polite.
 * Freddy Got Fingered

"Emily: And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, edictorial, ego maniacal, frigid lunatic ASSHOLE! Major Payne: I ain't frigid."
 * Major Payne:

"Julia: You will not take action without authorization! Devoe: What do you think I am -- some gung-ho, stupid son of a bitch? Julia: No! I don't think you're stupid..."
 * Inverted in The Peacemaker (1987).

"Tess: You're a liar and a thief. Danny: I only lied about being a thief. Besides, I don't do that anymore. Tess: Steal? Danny: Lie."
 * Played with in Oceans Eleven (the remake):

"Alyssa: So, for you, to fuck is to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition. You inside some girl you duped, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes. Banky: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes, alright?"
 * Slight variation in Chasing Amy.

"Doug Roberts: Frank, I like you. There's no getting around the fact that you're a real likable guy. Ensign Pulver: Yeah? Yeah! Roberts: But... Pulver: But what? Roberts: Well, I also think you're the most hapless, lazy, disorganized, and in general most lecherous person I've ever known in my life. Pulver: I am not! Roberts: You're not what? Pulver: I am not disorganized!"
 * Mister Roberts:

"Attorney: Your sergeant came across the following items in your footlocker. Will you kindly tell the court if they are yours. A letter to another soldier? Danny: Yes, sir. Attorney: A photograph signed "Danny, San Francisco"? Danny: Yes, sir. Attorney: An autographed copy of Beaches, starring Bette Midler? Danny: GIVE THAT BACK!"
 * In The Men Who Stare at Goats, Bill Django gets put on trial and accused of procuring prostitutes to his men. He vehemently bellows, "THAT'S A LIE!" He is then accused of doing other things such as procuring illegal drugs for them. He shouts, "THAT-- well... the hooker thing was definitely a lie."
 * In and Out combines this with Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking during a clip from the fake Oscar-winning movie To Protect and Serve (which is itself a spoof of Oscar Bait cliche. In the fake movie, Danny is a gay soldier who's being drummed out of the service after being outed. The following exchange occurs during a climactic military tribunal:

"Stark: "Textbook narcissism"... (looks at Fury) Fury: (level stare) Stark: ... Agreed."
 * Inverted in Iron Man 2. Nick Fury and Tony Stark are going over the latter's evaluation for the Avengers Initiative. Stark is reading it, denying every flaw that is listed until he gets to...

"Duane: Will you please get out of my face, you sorry-looking faggot. Lindy: Who you calling "sorry-looking"?"
 * Car Wash:

"Chelsea: All I ever wanted to do was spend my life loving you, you disgusting sack of shit. Seth: If that's all you wanted, then why did you hire the sleaziest lawyer in town, you pathologically deluded, morally bankrupt, in-denial, self-esteem-deficient bitch on wheels?! Chelsea: I am not in denial!"
 * Love Stinks:

"Lind L. Tailor: Kira, you yourself are a hypocritical, vile, and immature criminal. Light Yagami: Immature?"
 * From the live-action film of Death Note:

"Charlie: I met him. I thought he was great at first. Then he didn't turn out that nice. And he has a funny haircut. Wonka: (throws down the newspaper he's reading) I do not!"
 * Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, as Charlie is shining Wonka's shoes:

"Claudette: Well, at least you have a good man. Lisa: You're wrong. He didn't get his promotion. And he got drunk last night. And he hit me. Claudette: Johnny doesn't drink."
 * In the famously-awful film The Room, combined with an Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking.

"Ollie: You snake in the grass! You Judas! You...you... Stan: Stop! Don't call me a you-you!"
 * In the Laurel and Hardy short One Good Turn, Ollie discovers an (untrue) treachery of Stan's and rails at him:

"Anton: Grushenko? Isn't he the young coward all St. Petersburg is talking about? Boris: I'm not so young. I'm thirty-five."
 * Done in Braveheart, when one of the king's advisors tells the princess in Latin that William is a lying savage. William pulls a Bilingual Backfire and replies in Latin that he never lies, but he is a savage. Then, for good measure, offers to continue the conversation in the princess's native French.
 * Woody Allen's Love and Death:


 * In OSS 117 Lost in Rio, 117 is told that he's misogynistic and borderline racist, but objects to being called a a tacky dresser.

Literature
"Cosmo: You are a thief, Mr. Lipwig. A cheat and a liar, an embezzler and have no dress sense whatsoever.
 * Bobbie Faye of the similarly named series' response to being accused of blowing things up is that she hasn't... recently.
 * Discworld
 * Making Money features this exchange between Cosmo Lavish and our hero, Moist von Lipwig:

Moist: I say, that's a bit on the harsh side... I happen to think I dress rather snappily!"

"Kimi: You're a mean, nasty, Chevy-driving, Milk-drinking, American dog fucker! Tucker Case: I don't drink milk! (thinking) Ha! Won that round."
 * In Interesting Times, the Agatean Empire's Master of Protocol is named Two Little Wang. He considers the worst part of having this name to be the unlucky number.
 * Hercule Poirot. You can call him annoying, you can call him meddling, you can call him troublesome, you can call him short, but don't call him French.
 * In Sandy Mitchell's Ciaphas Cain novels, Cain writes that the Inquisitors don't like bribery and corruption, because they resent people infringing on their methods. Inquisitor Amberly Vail writes in a footnote that they are, of course, above such petty emotions as resentment.
 * From Christopher Moore's Island of the Sequined Love Nun:

"Mulch: Don't call me friend."
 * Artemis Fowl, while calls Mulch Diggums "my pungent friend".

"Brienne: A man who would violate his own sister, murder his king, and fling an innocent child to his death deserves no other name. Jaime: (to himself) Innocent? The wretched boy was spying on us."
 * A hilariously values-dissonant example in To Kill a Mockingbird: Jem is worried about a gang coming after his father, and Atticus assures him that there have never been any gangs in Maycomb. Jem says the Ku Klux Klan "got after some Catholics one time." Atticus says, "Never heard of any Catholics in Maycomb either."
 * In L. Jagi Lamplighter's Prospero In Hell, Ulysses is deeply offended that an article describing him as a murderer says that his name came from James Joyce's book and not Homer
 * Done Brilliantly in a A Song of Ice and Fire, when Jaime gets pissed at being called Kingslayer.

Live-Action TV
"Ephram: Ever since Mom died you've been acting like a moron. You grow that ugly-ass beard, you uproot your family and move us out to the middle of Nowhereswille, and why? Because someone once told you it's pretty? You're insane! Dr. Brown: I can't believe you think my beard is ugly."
 * Everwood:

"John Cavil: Yes, but Fives in general haven't been that impressive thus far. One of your counterparts managed to get himself outted back on Ragnar Station. Aaron Doral: I can't understand how he was discovered... I heard it was Dr. Baltar. Cavil: Well, I'm not talking about that exactly. I'm talking about the fact that you're walking around this fleet wearing that jacket, and more importantly, that face. You're recognizable. Doral: Uh... Well... His jacket was burgundy... This is teal..."
 * Battlestar Galactica Reimagined:

"Jeremy Clarkson: Every time I see you, those are the words that pop into my head: stylish and contemporary. May: Thank you.
 * Top Gear: James May has reviewed a Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe and commented that he thinks it suits him because it's stylish and contemporary.

Clarkson: ... After other words like, for instance: beige. Stannah Stairlift. The War. Can anyone think of anymore? Homosexual.

May: (Beat) I object to the beige."

"Bad Guy: You pathetic, little fairy. Angel: Hey! I am not little."
 * In The League of Gentlemen, Pauline is called a "psychotic 50-year-old lesbian." Her response? "How dare you! I'm 48!"
 * In one episode of Police Squad! Frank tries to taunt a boxer with all sorts of insults, to which the man smiles and turns the other cheek, and when Frank finally gives up and says, "Forget it!" that suddenly sets the man off and accidentally does the trick.
 * Angel is particularly sensitive to this. Example in episode "Conviction":

"Bodie: Permission to be admiringly insolent, sir. You're a brave old bastard. Cowley: Permission denied. Anyway, it's inaccurate. I'm not brave."
 * Highlander the Series
 * "He called me a cheap whore and a thief!" MacLeod: "I was NEVER cheap." There's also the incident where Amanda won a gambling club from its owner, and refused to give him the chance to win it back. The man loses his temper: "No thieving French harlot with a coiffure is going to cheat me out of my club!" Amanda slaps him hard, and says: "I'm not French!"
 * The Professionals:

"London Tipton: Ew, you mean I'm on a date with a greasy bag boy? Cody's Boss: That's greasy assistant manager."
 * The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, "The Summer of Out Discontent":

"Gollum: Shut up, Serkis, you stupid fat (BLEEP)ing turd!
 * From the (in)famous "Gollum award rant" at the MTV Movie Awards (when Gollum won "Best Virtual Performance"):

Andy Serkis: I'm- I'm not fat!"

"Gene Hunt: Yeah, well, as for me, I slept like a baby! (flops back down onto the bed) Sam Tyler: Yeah, a twenty stone baby. Burps, snores and farts. Gene Hunt: (sitting bolt upright) I do NOT snore!"
 * From Life On Mars:

"Girl: What do you know about talent? You're unemployed, single, over 30 and you severely overestimate your cuteness! Sarah: I choose to be over 30!"
 * In an episode of Full House, Stephanie was stood up for a date, and her father Danny ran into the guy while at school making a delivery for the food drive. Rumors circulated about Danny doing a long list of things, including threatening the guy with canned ham. He protested that it was, in fact, Spam, but took a while on dispelling the other rumors.
 * The Sarah Silverman Program:

"Tiberius: Let me go, you fat, drunken cow! Julia: FAT?! FAT?!"
 * In the second episode of I, Claudius, Julia and Tiberius are unhappily married. When Julia wants sex:


 * (But then it gets a lot less funny)

"Julia: If I'm fat, I'm fat where a woman should be fat, not skinny like a boy! Go to bed, my dear, and I'll send you one up. He's very pretty, I promise you, I've had him myself. (cackles) He reminds me of your ex-wife. Not a hair on his body, and he's even skinnier behind. (Tiberius hits her)"

"Keith: (to Elliot) Goodnight, you skanky, straw-haired pig whore. Carla: (consoling Elliot) C'mon, you're not straw-haired. Elliot: I know..."
 * From Scrubs:

"Dana: I don't think you're cute, I don't think you're funny, I don't think you're smart, and sometimes I don't think you're very nice. Casey: You don't think I'm funny?!"
 * From Sports Night:

"Wendy: Contractor? What do you do, build strip malls, kill people...? MiddleMan: I never build strip malls."
 * The Middleman; in the pilot episode, Wendy and The Middleman share this banter:

"Gordon: You two-faced lazy little fucker. Vinnie: Lazy?"
 * In an episode of Hells Kitchen (US Season 3):

"Temperance: That man is a fool! They are not pulp!"
 * On a Dutch channel, BNN, there was a short-lived spoof of Jerry Springer called Jimmy Hopper. One of the stagehands was a homosexual. When one of the guests refused to be calmed down by a "Dirty faggot", the stagehand jumped up and screamed "I'M NOT DIRTY!" and attacked the guy. The funniest bit in the program.
 * When Bones is accused by a judge of claiming a victim was murdered in order to drum up publicity for her "pulp mystery books" (The Double Death of the Dearly Departed) she objects:

""I have nothing in common with that fanatical self-promoting jingoistic egomaniacal fundamentalist! I am at least three inches taller.""
 * The Colbert Report
 * Stephen Colbert, objecting to comparisons with Iranian president Mahmoud AhmacasualFridayejad:

""I'm not homeless!""
 * In a later episode, after gauging comparisons between WWII and the invasion of Georgia, he stated that "Putin is nothing like Hitler. He knows judo."
 * In the Corner Gas episode "Friend of a Friend", Lacey's friend Connie calls Oscar a "crazy homeless". Oscar's response?

"Frasier: And that's why he came up here and started telling you... Miller: That I'm a drunk, that I'm incompetent at my job, that my wife is a big fat slut! Frasier: That is indefensible! Your wife is not overweight!"
 * Frasier: Frasier explains to his boss the reason Bulldog chewed him out was that he overheard Bulldog repeat a rumor that the sports host was fired.

"Naomi: This is a high risk covert op in unstable territory. It's dodgy enough without having to babysit a head case, ghost buster, anthropologist and a drunk. Abbadon: (referring to Lapidus, the "drunk") To be fair, he's also a pretty good pilot."
 * A variation in Lost:

""YOU ARE A BIG, DUMB, STUPID, FAT ZERO FATTY!" "Fatty?""
 * A variation from Strangers with Candy that only that show could've produced:

"Thelma: (to Naomi) Your idea of a workout is a man, a bed, and a cigarette afterwards! Naomi: That's not true! I've never smoked a cigarette in my life!"
 * Leverage: Sterling calls Nate a "common criminal". Nate is a criminal, but he objects to the "common".
 * This is similar to a scene in Firefly when Mal was offended at being called a "petty thief" because of the first word only.
 * Mamas Family:

"Scotty: Well, captain, er, the Klingons called you a tin-plated over-bearing swaggering dictator with delusions of godhood. Kirk: Is that all? Scotty: No sir, they also compared you with a Denebian slime devil. Kirk: I see. Scotty: And then they said that you were... Kirk: I get the picture, Scotty. Scotty: Yes, sir. Kirk: And after they said all this, that's when you hit the Klingons. Scotty: No, sir. Kirk: No? Scotty: No, er, I didn't. You told us to avoid trouble. Kirk: Oh, yes. Scotty: Well, I didn't see that it was worth fighting about. After all, we're big enough to take a few insults, aren't we? Kirk: What was it they said that started the fight? Scotty: They called the Enterprise a garbage scow, sir."
 * In the mini-series John Adams, the title character is listening to his wife indignantly reading a pamphlet attacking his character. After listening to a Long List of supposed character defects, Adams simply replies that he's not "crippled".
 * Star Trek the Original Series: One of the funniest parts of the already hilarious "The Trouble with Tribbles" episode, when Scotty explains to Kirk why he started a fight with Klingons on a space station.

"Oliver Reeder: Malcolm! You're bullying me, and I dunno why you're bullying me... Malcolm Tucker: How dare you! How dare you! Don't you ever, ever call me a bully! I'm so much worse than that."
 * There's a similar incident in an episode of Firefly. Simon complains about life aboard ship, including, but not limited to, the food, the captain and his sister. Kaylee only takes offence to his description of Serenity as "garbage".
 * The incident is parodied in the game Space Quest V: The Next Mutation, where Cliffy starts a fight with a crewmember from the Goliath for doing the same thing. Roger then points out that their ship is a garbage scow.
 * The Thick of It
 * Any discussion with Malcolm Tucker is usually filled with insults, but even he has his limits:

"Malcolm Tucker: First, you've got no credentials -- you're so backbench you've actually fuckin' fallen off... secondly, I'm going to tell the Mirror about all the drinking... and thirdly, I'm going to tell the Mail about the affair... and fourthly, you've got a tiny head...
 * More of an Insult Backfire that one... a better example would be Malcolm's attempt to derail Geoff Holhurst's leadership bid:

Geoff Holhurst: No I haven't!"

"Malcolm Tucker: "Don't ever call me fucking English again.""
 * In The Movie, In the Loop, Malcolm has this response to being called English[.

"Barbara: Darling, I just don't want that slut messing it up. George: Now Mom! [Laura] is NOT...gonna mess it up."
 * In How I Met Your Mother, Robin tells Marshall that he has to learn that NYC is not all Sesame Street like his crime-free, podunk, backwater, inbred hick town in Minnesota, and Marshall insists that they are not crime free. In 1976, the general store cashier was held up at hoe-point.
 * That's My Bush!
 * Used twice in the episode "Mom 'E'.D.E.A. Arrest":

"Barbara: Don't you tell me to relax, you stupid two-dollar truck-stop slut! Laura: ...Two dollars?"
 * Later...

"Oliver: And you're not bisexual. Jane: I'm sorry? Oliver: I don't buy it. Jane: You don't what? Oliver: And I don't buy the "crazy, wacky Jane" thing. And I don't buy the you 'follow the philosophy of plants' thing. I think you're terrified you're not interesting enough, so you'll make up any old rubbish just to get attention. Do me a favour: look in the mirror. The way you look as if you have to try. Jane: I am so bisexual!"
 * From Coupling:

"Ms. Heffer: He doesn't want you! You're fat and old and ugly! "Mitzi": Fat and old I may be, but ugly--(hissing)--ugly... ...you're absolutely right, that's why he loves me. C'mere..."
 * Subverted in The Goodies, "Caught In The Act". Context: Tim is in drag, calling himself 'Mitzi', and has gotten into a fight with a woman named Ms. Heffer regarding Graeme who Tim pretends is his lover.

"Michael: Go upstairs and take a shower, you smell like corn chips and ass. J.R.: I do NOT smell like corn chips."
 * My Wife and Kids

"(after the publicist has just told the family that Michael is the most likeable member of the family) Publicist: There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town. Tobias Fünke: Well, that leaves me out.
 * A variation (possibly an inversion) from Arrested Development:

(silence, everyone stares)

Tobias Fünke: She did say single, right? I-I-I thought she said single."

"Rory: I have no words... Logan: It was just a joke! Rory: Oh, no, wait. I thought of some. Jerk! Ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat-boy, low-life, butt-faced miscreant! Logan: "Butt-faced miscreant"! Rory: Why would you do something like that? Logan: I'm sorry, "butt-faced miscreant"?"
 * On Gilmore Girls, Logan plays an embarrassing and public prank on Rory, and she's not amused:

"(Edina is concerned that when she dies, she won't leave a legacy behind) Edina: What will people remember me by? Through you? I'm supposed to live on through you? (points scornfully towards her daughter Saffy) Saffy: Would you like a statue? Edina: Yes! Saffy: A great big fat ugly armless statue? Edina: I've got arms! I've got arms! (waves both arms frantically in air)"
 * He was more amused at her choice of words than objecting, but still.
 * From Absolutely Fabulous:

"Craig: Non-miraculous? Jeffrey...."
 * In an episode of Community, Dean Craig Pelton gets called a "non-miraculous son of a bitch."

"Munch: Who are you calling Old?"
 * In the episode "Responsible" of Law and Order Special Victims Unit, a female teenage suspect tells Munch to "Shut up, you Dirty Old Man!"

"Theo: Great, I've got a homosexual angel. Mason: I'm not an angel! (long pause) Mason: And I'm not gay, either."
 * From Dead Like Me:

"Michael: Take it easy, Brian. Brian: He said I'm 31. I'm 30."
 * In an episode of Queer as Folk Michael, Justin, Ted, Vic, and Debbie have been reading aloud a newspaper article in which Brian is accused of, among other things, being a pedophile and a "miserable example of a modern gay stereotype." After several of them criticize the article and its author, Brian says he's going to sue the author.

"Jack Carter: It's only a matter of time before Allison sees you for who you really are: which is a smug, selfish, Einstein-wannabe with no moral compass and only one functioning kidney. Trevor: Both my kidneys function fine, thank you. Jack Carter: Day's not over, is it?"
 * From Eureka:

"Hot Lips: (to Henry Blake) Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing impostor! Trapper: He's not an impostor! Hawkeye: Right. He's a genuine spineless, mealymouthed fly-fisherman."
 * A Mash episode has a variation of this.

"Jack Malone: You're a stalker, Mr. Hill. You are the principle suspect in a kidnapping case. You've written her I don't know how many letters. You're a drunk, and apparently, you're an idiot. Peter Hill: (indignantly) I am not a drunk."
 * Without a Trace:

"Red: Kitty, every time we have an empty room, you wanna fill it up with a stray child. You’re like... the old lady who lived in a shoe. Kitty: Did you just call me old?"
 * That '70s Show:

"Joe Spencer: You're Brigadier General Jack O'Neill. Head of Stargate Command at Cheyenne Mountain. You used to command SG-1, which is now led by Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter. You once visited a planet called Argos, and the nanites in your blood caused you to age artificially. You've had the entire repository of the Ancients' knowledge downloaded into your brain. Twice! You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the color peridot, and you're a terrible ping pong player.
 * In the Stargate SG-1 episode "Citizen Joe", after a list of things O'Neill should be denying...

[...]

Jack O'Neill: Well, first of all, Joe, I'm not a terrible ping pong player."

"Spender: Now, I don't mind being called a bastard, but I do mind being called a fascist and I take exception to being spat on."
 * In Peep Show, Jeremy calls Sophie's father Ian a "fox-hunting, badger-baiting, tweed shirt, bumfuck homophobe", thinking he can't hear him through the headphones on his metal detector. Later, Ian reveals that he could hear him and tells him, "I may be a homophobe, but I'm no badger baiter."
 * British cop show Spender has the eponymous Spender assigned to guard a politician whom he personally dislikes. After being called a fascist bastard by a protester and spat on, he corners the protester in the toilets later.

"Frankie Boyle: "What a very particular list of things!" Rob Brydon: "Well, that's why it's a list, Frankie." Lee Mack: "What's on your rider? 'Aye, six cans o' bitter an' a knife!'" Frankie Boyle: "Yeah, six cans of bitter for a teetotal alcoholic." Lee Mack: "Only Frankie Boyle could complain about that I said bitter and not even mention the knife! 'I'll take the knife, but you accused me o' drinkin'!'""
 * Would I Lie to You, on the subject of rider lists:


 * In Power Rangers SPD, Anubis "Doggie" Kruger had barely survived nearly being assassinated and he's in the hospital unconscious. As he's there, Dr. Kat Manx is talking to him, trying to encourage him to wake up. In the end, she calls him a "stubborn old dog". The first words Doggie says coming to? "I'm not an old dog".

New Media

 * This bash.org [
 * This hilarious exchange on Facebook.

Pro Wrestling
"Laurinaitis: First of all, I'm upper management."
 * During a feud in ECW, Terry Funk attempted to provoke Cactus Jack into fighting him due to Foley relinquishing his hardcore ways and showing his support for rival company WCW. Funk's initial attempts to call out Foley were unsuccessful as he called Foley's wife, mother, and his children whores in succession. But he successfully managed to provoke Foley to the ring after calling WCW President Eric Bischoff a homo. The two did a reprise of this exchange in 2006 in the hype of their upcoming tag team match at ECW One Night Stand 2006. This time, however, Funk's final insult was that WWE sucked, causing Foley to cheap shot Funk with a punch.
 * After CM Punk calls John Laurinaitus a typical middle management, boring, out of touch, suck-up Yes-Man:

Radio
"Sarah: Oh Mum, I'm so sorry. Muriel: Oh, it's my own fault. I'm just a silly old woman.
 * A variation (or an aversion) appears in radio comedy About A Dog, after Muriel's lover turns out to be married. Sarah is her daughter:

Sarah: Mum, you're not silly.

Muriel: (pause) And?

Sarah: And you're not an old woman."

Tabletop Games

 * FATAL provides a real-world example. The author's retort to the game being described as "the date-rape RPG"? That there are no rules included for dating.

Theater
"Carlotta: And-a you keep your tubby torso out of this, you fat little faggot! Faust: What do you mean, "little"?"
 * A variation is used in the musical Seventeen Seventy Six. Abigail Adams recites a list of her faults that her husband sent her in a letter; John insists that he didn't mean most of them, but is forced to admit that "You are pigeon-toed". In a later scene, John begins to list his own faults and Abigail reassures him, but concedes, "You are pigheaded."
 * An actual honest-to-god historical exchange; it's paraphrased from a series of letters written while they were courting. At first glance, the Adamses had an interesting and slightly tumultuous marriage, but it's only partly true. You just need to read the letters with the right mindset. John and Abigail were pretty much the only happy marriage of any of our founding fathers (the others were either full of tragedy or were political marriages), and they enjoyed the back-and-forth. Honestly, you could say they were the closest thing to soulmates you could find.
 * Inverted Trope in the 2003 musical Avenue Q, when Lucy the Slut tells a jilted Princeton that she isn't going to cling to "some well hung baby face kid, who leeches from his parents and can't get his act together!", and then stalks haughtily away. Princeton slowly faces the audience and says, "I think I heard a compliment in there!" and proceeds to follow her off-stage.
 * From the 1974 musical adaptation of The Phantom of the Opera (by Ken Hill, not Andrew Lloyd Webber):

"Natalie: Oh, you're one of those pretentious stoner types. Henry: That's totally unfair!... I'm not pretentious."
 * From Next to Normal:

"Writer: May I remind you, you're a starving, out-of-work actor whom I've generously consented to let appear in my play in an effort to assist your comeback. Actor: Starving, yes... Out of work, perhaps... Hoping for a comeback, maybe -- but a drunkard? Writer: I never said you were a drunkard. Actor: Yes, but I'm also a drunkard."
 * In both the film adaptation and the stage version of West Side Story, the Jets are hanging out with their girls and the girls are causing a fuss over being left behind while the Jets go to fight. Action asks while they're still hanging around with these "dumb broads", to which Graziella indignantly responds: "I and Velma ain't dumb!"
 * In Woody Allen's play God:

Video Games
"Farmer's Wife: AAAH! Little green spacemen! Crypto: I am not green!"
 * Destroy All Humans!:


 * Of course, "green" is the only inaccurate part.

"Reimu: You're a talkative ghost. Youmu: I'm half non-ghost, you know! Reimu: That was what needed correcting?"
 * Perfect Cherry Blossom:

"Henne: Looks like her report was right on. "Dumbass poser wearing a black trenchcoat, black hat, red bandana, and fingerless gloves." Haken: What...!? What's wrong with my gloves!?"
 * Super Robot Taisen OG Saga: Endless Frontier:

"Leon: Finished? Cid: Would be, if it weren't for the old loon's magic. Merlin: OLD loon, you say!?"
 * Kingdom Hearts II

"Cid: ^$#&! Good for nothing, fat &$#$^@! Palmer: Don't say 'fat'!"
 * Cid (the same one) is part of one of these in his own game as well.

"Baldus: Nessiah... I have heard it rumored that you are a heartless false prophet. Nessiah: I can understand where the "heartless" part might come from, but I never thought someone would call me "false"."
 * Blaze Union

"Caretaker: (to Qara) You're that tavern wench who cleans tables at that dive in the docks district. Player Character: Hey! the Sunken Flagon is not a dive!"
 * Neverwinter Nights 2, if you let Qara talk to the Caretaker at the Mages Guild:


 * Lampshaded when Qara gets cross that you care more about the tavern than her.

Visual Novels
"Phoenix: This witness... is a big, fat liar! April May: F-fat!?"
 * Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney:

Web Animation
"Kevin: You know, there's no such thing as Santa. Cutie: Shut up! You're just being mean and gay. Kevin: Heyyy. I'm not mean."
 * Shmorky's "Breakfast Duck's Terrible Christmas" on Something Awful.

"Speshdiv Robot: Meelord Marone, you are under arrest, for murder, conspiracy to conceal murder, kidnapping, and treason. Mee: Oh, come on man, I only did three of those."
 * This exchange from Space Tree.

"Marzipan: Homestar, didn't anyone tell you? That's like cottage cheese and The Cheat hair! Homestar: What!? (Spit Take) Strong Bad told me it was sour cream and The Cheat hair!"
 * In Homestar Runner, after Homestar eats Strong Bad's "ice cream":

Web Comics
"Woman in Lost and Found: But who would claim a rotting, scarred, incredibly whiny zombie head? (...) Dave: Whiny? Really?"
 * Narbonic:


 * In Dave's defense, at the time he was a scarred, rotting, zombie head. He won't automatically know about the Whiny Part.

"Helen: HA! I knew the Daves had to have dealt with unsavory people!

Caliban: Those are some old friends of mine you're insulting. Don't call them "people"."

"Baron Grayfort: You stupid, useless deserter! Traitor! Lout! Hooligan! Coward! Clumsy oaf! Lucas: I'm no coward."
 * In Yet Another Fantasy Gamer Comic:

"Gwynn: Hi, "Hasn't Dated Since the Clinton Administration" and his sidekick "Captain Mommy Issues". Riff: I am not a sidekick!"
 * From Eight Bit Theater:
 * Thief is not creepy. A bit of a subversion, as Thief actually does notice the other half of the insult a moment later.
 * Black Mage has friends. Well, a friend.
 * The 4th and 5th panels.
 * Implied in episode 14 of Keychain of Creation. Secret calls Marena a "bossy overweight oversexed shapeshifting cow", and the comic's title (only visible in the archive page) is "I am not a cow!"
 * In Sluggy Freelance:

"Sandy: I feel like every time I turn around you're doing something stupid, like holding a live grenade while standing knee-deep in radioactive sludge and setting yourself on fire.
 * Skin Horse features an unusual case of secondhand nonhuman stereotyping offense-taking to the second-to-last one.
 * From Concerned #57:

Gordon Frohman: For the record, I'm only ankle deep."

"Darth Maul: Pandora? Is he calling us box openers? Marluxia: I think he's calling us box openers. Darth Maul: Let's kick his ass!"
 * From Legostar Galactica: Skip is NOT adorable.
 * Played with in Ansem Retort, due to a misunderstanding.

"Kayleigh: It's better than being a looser dweeb with no initiative, no fashion sense, no job, no prospects and a Buffy-hater to boot! Matt: THAT was a LOW blow!... I love Buffy."
 * In Darths and Droids, Anakin and Padme were accused of numerous crimes, including murder, sabotage, and vandalism. Padme protests... the parking violation.
 * Used in this strip from Stuff of Legend.
 * Girl Genius: Master Payne, leader of carnies and con artists, inflicts this trope on a soldier after a tough round in their poker game. Judging by the soldier's lack of reaction until the last shot, it's possible that Payne was triple-bluffing and managed to hit on the truth twice.
 * In this strip of Blank It, the objector actually realizes his mistake.
 * Bob and George: Smelly?
 * Dork Tower

"Dustin: But not me. Stupid Dusty. Dusty the moron who wants to save his own people first. Dusty who must be stupid and evil for trying to bring Earth into the G.O.B.
 * Spacetrawler inverts this.

Nogg: Hey now, we've never thought of you as evil."

"Unwinder: Reading some manga there? Barbecue Sauce: No. Unwinder: Reading some non-canon comic continuations of old, canceled, BBC science fiction shows? Barbecue Sauce: No! I mean, most fans consider them Canon, since they got some of the original writers."
 * Unwinder's Tall Comics: Here.

"Nale: Malack, is the Control Winds scroll you cast still active? Malack: Is your vapid devil-whore still keeping you aloft? Sabine: HEY! Who are you calling a devil??"
 * Randall Munroe who writes Xkcd has used such events as 9/11 and the My Lai massacre to tell a joke. But when he recently insulted anthropologists, the gloves came off!
 * In Order of the Stick:

Web Original
""You are the fat, loud girl's girlfriend," she said. "Puddy's not fat!" I said angrily. Then, my brain caught up with the rest of her sentence, and I added, "And I'm not her girlfriend.""
 * Tales of MU combines this with Delayed Reaction:

"Nostalgia Critic: (after being knocked backwards into a pile of boxes) Who keeps piles of boxes around?! Honestly! Angry Video Game Nerd: Oh, don't you TALK about my boxes! I like boxes! Nostalgia Critic: That's the fuckest thing I ever heard, shit mop! Angry Video Game Nerd: Shitload of fuck. Nostalgia Critic: Fuck monkey! Angry Video Game Nerd: I'm giving you both middle fingers... (does a 360 degree turn and gives The Nostalgia Critic both middle fingers) at full force! Nostalgia Critic: Cow-humping transvestite! Angry Video Game Nerd: Fe-fi-fo-fuck you! Nostalgia Critic: Ass-blower! Angry Video Game Nerd: Ya turd burglar, robble robble robble! Nostalgia Critic: (mocking) Ooh, look at me, I'm the Angry Video Game Nerd... Angry Video Game Nerd: Fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick, dick. You fuck her, you fuck her, dick, dick... Nostalgia Critic: ... I like to do stupid things because I smell bad... Angry Video Game Nerd: Shut up! Shuuuuut up! Shuuuuut up! Nostalgia Critic: You fuckin' little fuck, that's fuck, more fuck than your fuckins that are fucking fuck in a fucking world! Both: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK...
 * The Angry Video Game Nerd and The Nostalgia Critic's Final Battle gives us an example in the middle of firing spectacular Cluster F Broadsides at each other:

Nostalgia Critic: Cock knocker!

Angry Video Game Nerd: (Beat) Jerk.

Nostalgia Critic: ... THAT'S IT!"

"Me: Not only are you a lousy Dungeon Master, but you're crazier than a crapfight in a monkey house! Psycho Dave: I am not a lousy Dungeon Master!"
 * Ab3's popular Tabletop Games anecdotes, The Binder of Shame:

"Theron: (to Gorgo) ...my little whore queen. (Gorgo lunges at Theron) Mike: (as Gorgo) I am not little!"
 * From the Riff Trax of 300


 * On That Guy With The Glasses forum, Marz Gurl was described as "overweight, terribe [sic] hair, odd clothing, and her face resembles squirrel". Her response? The only thing I disagree with is the overweight thing."
 * The Nostalgia Chick doesn't mind being called pitiful, judgmental, a shut-in or even facing the prospect of a painful death at the hands of her former best friend. No, all she cares about is the great insult of being called a nerd.
 * Ghost, from True Capitalist radio, is often accused of being a racist, shapeshifting jew. His response is always "I'M NOT A JEW!" In one episode, he was assaulted by a caller who, in a parody of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, called him a racist, a fruitbowl, a hambone, and a reptilian. However, Ghost only raged once he brought up "Hannukah night," failing to even notice the line after it accusing him of beating his son.
 * The people behind The Gentlemen's Rant made a series of videos called The Gentlemen's Response, where they respond to comments left on their youtube videos. One such comment was "blugh! what is with these same 5 boring, ugly, whiny, deep nasally-voice, depressing, lame joke, dead beat loosers." (sic) They responded by merely pointing out that there's only four of them (Although this is more about pointing out what an idiot the commenter is and disregarding their opinion since they can't count).

Western Animation
"June: Oh great. It's prince pouty. Where's your creepy grandpa? Zuko: He's my uncle... and he's not here."
 * Avatar: The Last Airbender

"Sokka: So this crazy king is your old ? King: Who are you calling old?!"
 * In "The King of Omashu":

"Harley Quinn: And here you thought I was just another bubble-headed blond bimbo! Well, the joke's on you, I'm not even a real blond!"
 * That one is especially hilarious, because by "old friend" Sokka meant "long-term friend/friend from past times", not "aged".
 * In Batman the Animated Series, Harley Quinn uses this one, yelling it at Batman, no less!

"Ned: You ugly, hate-filled man! Moe: Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... um, what was that third thing you said?"
 * Played with a few times in The Simpsons:
 * "Hurricane Neddy": Ned Flanders goes berserk and insults several of the people who tried unsuccessfully to rebuild his house after a hurricane struck. One can tell he was starting to run out of good insults by the time he got to Moe:

"Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf. Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, and a communist, but he is not a porn star!"
 * "Simpson Tide". When Homer is suspected of having defected to Russia, Grandpa Simpson is interviewed as to whether his son is a communist:

"Medfly: You stupid clumsy idiotic brain-dead yellow imbecile! Duckman: Hey, wait, hold on there buddy!... You really think I'm yellow? I've always seen myself as more a sallow ochre. Here, check the butt feathers."
 * In a straight example (episode "Sideshow Bob Roberts"), Mayor Quimby was described as an "illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking Spend-o-crat", to which he was shown to reply: "Hey, I am no longer illiterate!" (while watering a cannabis plant in his closet).
 * An attempt by a cult to brainwash Homer has him being subjected to harsh criticism by several people at once. After gleefully agreeing with insult after hate-filled insult, Moe finally mentions Homer's armpit smell; Homer is about to object, but he gets a whiff himself and promptly changes his tune.
 * From "The Crepes of Wrath", Bart divulges to a French policeman the various injustices he's suffered while there: the owners of the chateau he's staying at work him to death, they make him sleep on the floor, and they put antifreeze in the wine. His response: "Antifreeze in the wine! That is a very serious crime!"
 * Something like this trope appears in "Tales from the Public Domain" (one of the anthology episodes), in the rendition of Hamlet (titled "Do the Bard, Man") where King Claudius (played by Moe) sees the play mirroring his murder of Hamlet's father where a character spills poison into the king's ear, he objects, "Hey I didn't use that much poison!"
 * From an episode of Duckman:

"Smitty: Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball. Leela: No one makes fun of my nose!"
 * Futurama
 * "Space Pilot 3000":

"Leela: Look at you two. No offense, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap. Fry: (whining) Sack?"
 * "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?":

"Amy: There. How do I look? Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot. Amy: French?!"
 * "When Aliens Attack", after Amy replaces her stolen bikini top:

"Zap: Look, Kif. While others were fighting and dying pointlessly, this man hid in a hole, wallowing in a pool of his own cowardice. Fry: That wasn't cowardice!"
 * Fry in "War is the H-Word", being dressed down by Zapp for cowering from battle:

"Professor: Scammed? Me!? SWEETHEART!?"
 * In "Bender's Big Score" when Professor's doomsday bomb is replaced with a rose and note saying "You've been scammed sweetheart."

"Amy A: The Professor's right -- you are evil. And shallow! Amy 1: I am not evil!"
 * Played with in "The Farnsworth Parabox":

"Zim: Despite his huge head, the Dib-monkey is quite stupid. Dib: My head's not big!!"
 * Invader Zim
 * In "TAK: The Hideous New Girl":

"Dib: My head's not big!! Zim: I... didn't say anything about your head."
 * Apparently, people used that one on Dib a lot.

"Congressman: Are you high or just incredibly stupid? President Bush: I assure you -- I am not high!"
 * From South Park, in the episode "Ladder to Heaven":

"Iago: Don't ya get it, Einstein? You're a has-been! Frijeed: I may be a has-been, but I'm no Einstein!!!"
 * Disney's animated Aladdin series includes the following exchange:

"Candace: Oh, that's ridiculous! I do not have wheels!"
 * A visual version comes up in an episode of Phineas and Ferb; Phineas mentions they've made a chariot for Candace that looks just like her... and is actually a repulsive gorgon. Candace responds, while wearing a scowl that looks just like the chariot:

"Andy: I run strip clubs and date sleazy women. Shelly: Hey, how's that supposed to make me feel? Andy: Sorry, not women. Woman. Just you. Shelly: Oh Andy, you say the sweetest things."
 * A slight variation, from Mission Hill:

"Tad: You're a mean old witch! Sandi: I am not old!"
 * This exchange from an episode of Daria:

"Xandir: You ass-kissing adopted homo! Captain Hero: I am not adopted!"
 * From the Spinoff Babies episode of Drawn Together:

"Ron: (reading from a book) "The Pink Sloth is an outcast, a follower, socially inept, and smells of overripe fruit." I do not smell of overripe fruit!"
 * From the "Animal Attraction" episode of Kim Possible:

"Buttercup: Don't you know only big, fat sissies take baths?! Bubbles: (hurt) I'm not fat."
 * And when a rotten banana peel came out of his pocket...
 * The Powerpuff Girls
 * From the episode "Down 'n' Dirty", where Buttercup tries to give up bathing:

"Roach Coach: I am not just an insect! I am Roach Coach! I am the future ruler of this planet, you stupid biped! Bubbles: Who you calling a biped?"
 * Bubbles does this again in "Insect Inside":

"Porky Pig: T-T-That does it! You web-footed, n-n-no good, two-timing, d-d-double-crossing, d-d-double-dealing, unsanitary old snake in the grass! Daffy Duck: Unsanitary?!"
 * Looney Tunes
 * The 1948 short Daffy Duck Slept Here:

"Melissa Duck: Goodbye, you scrawny little nine pound weakling. Daffy Duck: How do you like that? Calling me a scrawny little nine pound weakling... when it's perfectly obvious I'm a scrawny little ten pound weakling. Hmph."
 * Daffy Duck goes to this well again in the 1953 short Muscle Tussle, after his girlfriend dumps him for a bodybuilder.

"Burne Thompson: Not so fast! You slimy reptiles! I'll bet you're responsible for this! Donatello: Hey, I deny that insinuation! Turtles are not slimy!"
 * From the classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1987 cartoon episode "Super Rocksteady and Mighty Bebop":

"Gorilla Grodd: Humans are slow, ugly, immoral, and have an unpleasant body odor! Flash: Hey, who you calling slow?"
 * Justice League episode "The Brave and the Bold". (Although the Flash would be insulted by that word in particular.)

"Lois: "Negroes: America's Dancin'est Rape-Folk." That's awful! We don't use the word "Negro" anymore!"
 * On the Family Guy episode, "No Chris Left Behind," Lois reads a heading from a very outdated school textbook (this was an alternate scene that was used when aired on Cartoon Network and on DVD; the FOX version used a different take in which the heading Lois reads is about Israel being an up-and-coming country):

"James Woods: I would NEVER work with David Spade! That ... dwarf! That ... chicken-shit!"
 * In "Back to the Woods" Peter impersonates James Woods and goes on TV to talk about how he (meaning Woods) is making a wacky comedy movie about the September 11th terrorist attacks. And it'll co-star David Spade.

"Paige: I came for a party and no creepy, weirdo, Goth loser is going to stop me! Darko Crevasse: Oh, come on. I may be, as you say, "creepy", but calling me a Goth is going too far."
 * Grossology:

"Lana: Now? Really? Archer: Oh, right! Because you walked into Strippers' Discount Warehouse and said "Help me showcase my intellect!" Lana: Discount? Hello? This is Fiacci!"
 * Archer: Archer and Lana are in the middle of a gunfight, both in their underwear, and Lana catches Archer staring at her breasts.

"Darkwing: I caught that hateful, underhanded, ham, Tuskernini, robbing a bank! Tuskernini: I object, your honour. I am not a ham. Judge: Darkwing Duck, do you have any evidence? Darkwing: These reviews of his performance in Son of MacBeth. Judge: I mean the bank robbery!"
 * A variant from Sushi Pack: seeing his scheme working, Titanium Chef crows, "Soon the world will see I'm not a so-so sushi chef, I'm a so-so Evil Genius!"
 * Darkwing Duck has one of these at the start of the episode "Adopt-A-Con"

"Eeth Koth: Your reputation precedes you, general. The reputation of a coward, and a murderer. Grievous: Murderer?"
 * When Darkwing is called a second-rate jerk, he objects saying that he's a first-rate jerk.
 * Star Wars the Clone Wars has a scene where General Grivious confronts Jedi Master Eeth Koth:

"Queen Athena: I liked how you dealt with the obnoxious one with the big beak. Danger Duck: Hey! I'll have you know my beak is exactly the right size for my head!"
 * In the Loonatics Unleashed episode "Apocalypso":

"Doctor Octopus: Back off, you pea-brained, uncoordinated, absurdly dressed excuse for a man! Scorpion: Who are you callin' absurdly dressed?!"
 * Spider-Man: The Animated Series:

"Izzie: If I can handle hand to paw combat with a polar bear, I can handle a bald emotionally withdrawn cook in a Halloween costume. Chef Hatchet: Who are you calling a cook!"
 * From Total Drama Action:

"Sting: You're fat, greedy, and selfish, Bumble! You only think of yourself! Queen Bumble: I am not fat!"
 * The following exchange from the My Little Pony episode, "The End of Flutter Valley":

"Spike: Show yourselves, you dogs! You curs! Ah, there you are, you mangy mutts! Diamond Dog: Who are you calling mutts? Unleash the hounds!"
 * From My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic, in "A Dog and Pony Show", Spike has an Imagine Spot in which he confronts the Diamond Dogs who kidnapped Rarity:

"Roger 'Booda' Sack: It's been so long since yo' momma's last bath, that her hairy arm pits smell like propane gas! Hank: Now hold on there, fella, a joke's a joke but now you've gone too far. You see propane is actually odorless, what you smell was put there by man for safety reasons..."
 * An example from the King of the Hill episode "Traffic Jam," at the end of the episode, Hank and Roger are joking with each other using "Yo' Momma" jokes.

Real Life
""The story's subhead reads, 'Dictator Kim Jong Il is a Woman', although North Korean officials have argued that Kim is not, in fact, a dictator.""
 * When Michael Buckly made fun of rival figure skaters Evan Lysacek and Johnny Weir on his YouTube show What the Buck?, declaring that the wannabe-macho Evan and flamboyant Johnny were "totally doing it" and probably texted each other all day, Johnny posted the following message to Buckley's Myspace in response: "Love it, bitch! We totally don't text!"
 * Byron Hall, author of the disturbing RPG FATAL objected to an RPG.net review calling it "the date rape RPG", retorting "Another faulty conclusion drawn by Darren. Where is dating included?"
 * George V of the United Kingdom: "I may be uninspiring, but I'll be damned if I'm alien!" in response to H. G. Wells' remark that the British royal house of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha (in addition to being a mouthful) was "uninspiring and alien." George V changed the name of the House to The House of Windsor, which it remains to this day.
 * Considering how relations were with Germany at the time, he picked the right part to complain about.
 * Mike Tyson is attributed to have said "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
 * Considering that he was convicted of and spent jail time for sexual assault, the first bit is pretty much water under the bridge.
 * In an interview on the show The Screen Savers, Jhonen Vasquez (creator of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac) responded to host Kevin Pereira's comment that fans considered him "a goth king", saying disdainfully: "King, yeah, but goth... I mean, that's just arrogant."
 * Sarah Palin called David Letterman's jokes about her daughter "sexually perverted comments made by a 62-year-old celebrity". Letterman responded: "I'm hardly a celebrity".
 * Max Mosley, Formula One boss and son of British Fascist leader Oswald Mosley sued The News of The World for alleging that he took part in a sadomascochist Nazi-themed orgy with five prostitutes on the grounds that there was no Nazi theme to the event.
 * Considering who his father was, he took offense to the right part of that allegation.
 * Didn't stop people from invoking Those Wacky Nazis. Having German army jackets present and people speaking German might have had something to do with that. But how dare people suggest Nazi connotations based on that, eh?
 * Additionally, he did admit in court that the "sadomasochist orgy with five prostitutes" part of the allegation was essentially correct; it was the allegations of Nazism that constituted the defamation.
 * A person should be able to do whatever they (and every attendant) feel comfortable with in the privacy of their own sex dungeon without being labeled a Nazi.
 * According to The Other Wiki's article on toilet paper orientation, the Weekly World News once alleged that, because dictator Kim Jong Il watches the Home Shopping Network, is a member of Oprah's Book Club, and complains about toilet paper that's over instead of under, he is secretly a woman.

""These Republican leaders have not been content with attacks on me, or my wife, or on my sons. No, not content with that, they now include my little dog, Fala. (laughter) Well, of course, I don't resent attacks, and my family doesn't resent attacks -- but Fala does resent them. (laughter) You know, Fala is Scotch, and being a Scottie, as soon as he learned that the Republican fiction writers in Congress and out had concocted a story that I'd left him behind on an Aleutian island and had sent a destroyer back to find him -- a cost to the taxpayers of two or three, or eight or 20 million dollars -- his Scotch soul was furious. (laughter) He has not been the same dog since. (laughter) I am accustomed to hearing malicious falsehoods about myself -- such as that old, worm-eaten chestnut that I have represented myself as indispensable. But I think I have a right to resent, to object, to libelous statements about my dog!" (laughter)"
 * Rue McClanahan had this to say about her iconic role on The Golden Girls: "People always ask me if I'm like Blanche. And I say, 'Well, Blanche was an oversexed, self-involved, man-crazy, vain Southern Belle from Atlanta. And I'm not from Atlanta.'"
 * During an interview, Tim Schafer once labeled Robert Kotick, Activision's CEO, as "a dick" and "total prick" and accused him of not actually being interested in games, but rather in the money to be had in them, Activision's Response? "Hey, he does like games!"
 * On a darker note, the first commandant of the Auschwitz concentration camp, Rudolf Höss. When accused of the murder of three and a half million people, Höss replied, "No. Only two and one-half million--the rest died of disease and starvation."
 * In 1944, Franklin D. Roosevelt was once accused of sending a destroyer on a mission to pick up his Scottish Terrier, Fala, who (according to the rumor) he had inadvertently forgotten in the Aleutian Islands. Roosevelt responded with the following speech at a Teamsters convention:

""I'm not a paranoid deranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire.""
 * Lady Gaga once went on The Tonight Show and was asked if there were any annoying rumors she'd like to dispel. Most people expected her to deny mean-spirited rumors she was a hermaphrodite, but she chose just to clarify that she wasn't from Yonkers.
 * The Westboro Baptist Church protested outside a Bill Maher stand-up gig in Kansas, handing out fliers that referred to him as "Christ-hating half Jew pedophile rape-enabling Catholic Bill Maher." His response on Real Time with Bill Maher? "How dare you call me a Catholic!"
 * William Wallace, when accused of a number of crimes by the English after being captured, only defended himself by saying he is not treasonous, because he never swore loyalty to the English monarchy or any of its servants.
 * From www.thinkgeek.com, in the product description for the d20 soaps: "we are NOT weirdo, basement-dwelling, outcasts who never shower. We do so shower." Which is true. That, and weirdness is relative.
 * An anti-war British politician once called Christopher Hitchens "a drink-sodden ex-Trotskyist popinjay". Hitchens replied, "Only some of that is true." He later elaborated "He says that I am an ex-Trotskyist (true), a "popinjay" (true enough, since the word's original Webster's definition is a target for arrows and shots), and that I cannot hold a drink (here I must protest)."
 * After Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot, the shooter was linked to a hate group known as American Renaissance. A government memo reported "The group’s ideology is anti-government, anti-immigration, anti-ZOG (Zionist Occupational Government), anti-Semitic." The head of American Renaissance responded that his group was not anti-Zionist.
 * You can be anti-Zionist without being anti-Semitic, but how can you be anti-Semitic without being anti-Zionist? "I hate Jews, but if they were all far away in Israel I'd be much happier?"
 * Yes. Exactly. Yeah-- you can't parody this stuff.
 * There's also a really nasty strain of Christian fundamentalism that buys into anti-semitism, but believes that Israel must exist in order for the prophecy of Revelations to come true. It's okay that those nasty Christ-killers get to have a country for a while, though, since after that they'll all go to hell to be rightfully punished for playing their preordained role.
 * It's actually pretty easy. Zionist Occupational Government refers to a secret conspiracy that Jewish people secretly run X country. If they don't believe the United States is secretly run by a Jewish shadow government, then they can't be anti-ZOG. Anti-ZOG also does not apply to Israel since there is no secret conspiracy.
 * Steven Seagal was accused of driving a tank into a man's house, flanked by dozens of police in Riot Gear, and shooting the man's dog, because the man allegedly ran a cockfighting ring. Steven's response? He was outraged that someone would say he'd hurt a dog. (Turns out the dog bit wasn't true after all.)
 * South Park episode "Go God Go" portrayed Richard Dawkins as a hateful man who has a transsexual lover and a bad British accent. The actual man himself, after seeing the episode, complained about the bad British accent.
 * Howard Hughes was a highly controversial figure due to his eccentricity and, to some extent, his wealth. His synopsis of his fame:

"I'm from Orange County, not The OC people, and yes we say like all the time. However I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking that we're all blonde and dumb as a brick. Many of us are brunette :)"
 * One controversy that arose from DC's recent New Universe reboot was Teen Titans member Starfire (featured in Red Hood and the Outlaws) being reduced from Action Girl into a slutty Ms. Fanservice. Even the 7-year-old daughter of a comics fan complained about how Star spent the whole comic posing in a bikini and never did anything remotely heroic. DC's response? "Thank you for talking about our comics, but maybe you should monitor what your child reads."
 * There's an English legal anecdote about a judge who was called a "big-nosed bastard c**t" by an angry defendant. When his wife was told about this, her response was "but you haven't got a big nose".
 * One of the British politicians jailed over expenses fraud was told by a journalist that people working with him had described him as arrogant, autocratic and rude. Right on schedule he said he didn't think he was rude.
 * A YouTube commenter, responding to this video:


 * Nell Gwyn was the mistress of King Charles II of England. When an angry mob stopped her carriage, calling her a "Catholic whore" (they mistook her for Charles' other mistress, Louise de Kérouaille) she replied "Pray, good people, be civil. I am the Protestant whore."