The Girl Who Lived

"The Heavens bless us with your visit, Druidess Rose Potter."

The Girl Who Lived Sextet is a series of Harry Potter fanfics written by Keiran Halcyon. The series is a retelling of all seven books with the title character replaced with a female version named Rose Potter.

Now, after reading that first bit, you're probably thinking "So what? There are tons of HP fanfics that do that. Why does this one deserve its own page?" Well, for one thing, There Is No Such Thing as Notability. Still, I'm glad you asked.

There are two main draws to the series. The first is that more than half of the series is, literally, copied word-for-word from the original books. The other is the sheer over-the-top sueishness of the main character. Rose elbows her way through canon and changes so many things that the plotholes induced in the stories of the later books could take up a whole page of their own. Oh, and there's more nudity and sex. Lots more.

The series is incomplete and stalled at Chapter 7 of The Half-Blood Prince. The whole series can be found here. (NSFW) A MSTed version of the series can be found starting here.

Not to be confused with The Girl Who Loved.

"Rose: *states something about James* I know that because I've read his journal. *states something about Remus* I know that because I've read his journal. *states something about Sirius* I know that because I've read his journal. Pettigrew doesn't get a statement of knowledge. So there."
 * Adaptation-Induced Plothole: Where to even start? From the third "installment" onwards any semblance of causality just flies out the window, with regards to the so-called "plot". Particularly jarring is the way that Rose touts "Veratiserum" (truth potion) as the answer to everything (either that or a curse) when we've known for a long time that Veratiserum is far from infallible.
 * Alternate Universe Fic: For which we are forever thankful.
 * Anticlimax: Hey, who likes Rose stomping all the villains in plagiarized passages?
 * Author Appeal: Blatant power fantasies and wish fulfillment, and full of sex. Naturism and dislike of political authority figures too.
 * The author also drags in references to mallorn trees and the suggestion that Rose and Cedric are the reincarnation of a famous couple from Middle Earth.
 * Ax Crazy: The main character, for the whole series. No, really, this blog post makes note that Rose fully qualifies for both Histrionic and Narcissistic personality disorders as well as a borderline psychopath. The Other Wiki tells us that she could easily pass for a bona fide Sadist too.
 * Awesome McCoolname: Rose's "true name" is Druidess Padraigin.
 * Blood Bath: Rose bathes in blood at the beginning of Rose Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
 * Canis Latinicus: Done at the start of book five. Ominous Latin Chanting when the grammar makes it impossible to parse.
 * Can't Argue with Elves: Druids are to wizards what wizards are to muggles. They are more powerful, more in tune with nature, more open sexually (so much so they don't even bother with clothes, even in the company of non-druids), and are just plain better than everyone else. One notable example is the mention of a druidess who killed an entire city full of muggles because her husband had kicked her out of the house due to a domestic dispute. She got away with it and all of the characters shrug it off when it's brought up. Then again, maybe it's better that you don't argue with the petty psychopaths that nuke cities for arbitrary slights.
 * Captain Obvious: Rose kills jokes this way. For example, the fic takes the book's line "although people rarely died playing Quidditch, referees had been known to vanish and turn up months later in the Sahara Desert" and adds on "I figured it had to be disgruntled fans of the losing side, unhappy with the referee's calls". Duh.
 * Conflict: Averted, since Rose knows about it already. Or prevented it. Or just killed it.
 * Combo-Platter Powers: Roughly two dozen, including every worthwhile special ability or piece of equipment in the books, better versions of several, and a few new ones.
 * Most notable are having all of the wizarding spells, a variety of rare wizarding natural abilities (like metamorphmagus), Matrix-style ninjutsu, Druidic magic, and fueling dark curses with the power of love.
 * Dead Fic
 * Did Not Do the Research: The HMS STFU explains numerous instances where the story directly contradicts a number of things in the Harry Potter universe.
 * There are also a good number of instances outside of the HP canon when the author is guilty of this. One that comes to mind immediately is when he writes that Cedric and Rose perform a tango: which is described as the girl doing all the work while the man acts as a base and doesn't do very much at all.
 * To be fair, this is somewhat possible, but the lead needs at least some competence even in order to be backled-in general a good lead can make the follow look really good, but a very experienced follow backleading the lead can only make the pair look okay.
 * Rose describes Arithmancy as breaking spells down into numbers. Wrong. It actually exists in the real world, and is a form of divination based around the mystical properties of numbers (a variation is the Jewish practice of gematria).
 * A Professor Vector is introduced as a charming male, despite the one in the books being a witch.
 * The class of "Ancient Runes", has absolutely nothing in common with its book counterpart. In the books, it is a language class, simply learning a type of rune language, no different from taking a French or German class. In this fanfic, it's some kind of vague Warcraft knockoff, with runes being used as power-ups of some sort for spells and abilities (which seems both grossly unfair to other students to teach them more powerful magic, and also poses the question of why everyone would not take said class). NOTHING in canon remotely suggests the class is anything other than the study of a language.
 * The aforementioned Canis Latinicus. Druids, being of Celtic origin, would naturally choose to chant in the language of the Romans who oppressed and conquered them.
 * Disproportionate Retribution: Rose will chew people out for minor grievances.
 * Or carve words into her "best friend"'s forehead. Gee, where have we seen this before?
 * She breaks the limbs of Uncle Dursley in response to mocking her school acceptance letter. Not that he doesn't deserve a beating, but still.
 * Don't Explain the Joke: Remember all of those little jokes that Rowling put into the books? Well, the author found them to be stupid. So Rose just rolls her eyes and condescendingly explains to the audience or other characters how they don't work or would never happen in "real life".
 * Everyone Is Bi: or rather, just the girls. The author denies it, but how else do you explain the fact that the scenes in the girls' showers after each Quidditch match all sound like scenes from a softcore porn?
 * The fact that the author is male would pretty well explain it. You'd be forgiven for not realizing this with the intense misandry that pervades the series.
 * Fan Disservice: The author spends a substantial amount of time describing the breasts, nipples, and pubic hair of the female characters. Even when they are 11/12.
 * Hell, most nude characters are underaged.
 * The author does have the...erm... "decency" to give Rose the power of shapeshifting, which means that the eleven-year-old Rose is able to give herself the body of a twenty-something woman.
 * Fix Fic: The author created the series because he thought Harry "lacked common sense."
 * Funetik Aksent: Attempted. In Hagrid and Fleur's cases, this involved hacking off random letters and peppering all their sentences with odd apostrophes. In Viktor's case, it involved adding Vs to every word he spoke. No, not just replacing W with V; the man pronounced "perhaps" as "perhapvs".
 * Great Big Book of Everything: The Marauders' Journals are as close as you're gonna get to Rose ever admitting to having read the books first:

"“Hermione, what’s the time?” I asked. “Time? I have no idea, but I know; I’ve got four hundred and twenty-two pages to read!” said Hermione, now sounding slightly hysterical."
 * Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?: Rose will bathe with other girls, give them sensual massages, and hug them in a "sisterly" manner... all while being naked. But she's NOT a lesbian or bisexual! Seriously, she even says so repeatedly!
 * There's also the part where she and Ginny sleep together in bed (naked) and wake up in a spooning position.
 * Did we forget the eleven-year-old having her chest soaped by a bunch of thirteen-year-olds?!
 * Or the scene in which Rose decides that in order to safely teleport Ginny somewhere, the two need to hold each other in a tight embrace with Ginny's head pressed against Rose's chest. "It's like being held by the big sis I never had" indeed...
 * Hollywood Sex: Among the other countless bits of fail, it's amazing how virile Sirius is after years in Azkaban. Enough to In the real world, men have gone permanently impotent from less.
 * Possibly more You Fail Biology Forever, but apparently druids have the power to control their menstrual cycle. Complete with deciding when they give birth when pregnant, despite the fact that a baby would be a completely separate organism and thus not under their control.
 * To be fair, some animals, like hyenas, can control when they give birth, but this is done by retarding the embryo's development so they give birth later than expected. To do things to the extent of this series' druids, magic is required.
 * In Spite of a Nail: Despite the fact that numerous elements of the original stories are "corrected", the general plot is unchanged and scenes that are now implausible due to a change that was made earlier still play out the way they did in the books. For example,
 * Invincible Hero: Rose.
 * Level Up At Intimacy 5: In order to become a full druidess, Rose has to perform a ritual that involves casting various spells while losing her virginity to her true love in Stonehenge (the real one that only druids can visit, not the decoy that you see in documentaries) in front of an audience of other druids. A deconstruction of all the horribly messed up imagery in that scene can be found here.
 * Male Gaze: Rose identifies girls by breasts, nipple size and color, pubic hair, and then everything else. This was one of the first tip-offs as to the author's gender once suspicion rose.
 * Meaningful Name: Unintentional, on the part of the author. His chosen pseudonym is used by Corran Horn, who is frequently accused of being a Canon Sue.
 * New Powers as the Plot Demands
 * Ninja: Rose is a ninja. A ninja druid. No, really.
 * Keep in mind that her ninja training came from one of her Muggle teachers. Meaning that one of her teachers just happened to know ninjutsu and decide to teach it to a girl under the age of eleven. To help her deal with bullies. Yeah.
 * Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: Actually, if we wanna get technical, she's a Ninja Druid Witch Shapeshifter Morpher Demigod Sociopath.
 * Noodle Incident: Pettigrew escapes off-camera despite being under the highest security available because the prophecy insisted he would. How he does so is never explained.
 * Out of Character: Snape, "Minnie" McGonagall, Dumbledore, even Voldemort.
 * Plagiarism: Her first 2 fics are written word-for-word from Books 1 and 2 with some changes to fit Rose. The 3rd is a bastardized version of Book 3, and beyond that it's just Fic-with-canon-sometimes.
 * Worse than that, Halycon plagiarizes other fanfics. The bit with the cursed gun in Knockturn Alley is practically word-for-word from the fanfic Nightmares of Future Past.
 * Her earlier druid powers including "summoning ravens, vine creepers, spirit wolves" and mention of druids that infect themselves with lycanthropy are ripped straight from Diablo 2. It's hilarious.
 * All of that "Void" nonsense and the "Dim Mak" she pulls out at one point just show us that Keiran Halycon is a Legend of the Five Rings player.
 * Product Placement: VICTORIA'S SECRET, IN FUCKING DIAGON ALLEY. WITH A DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF WHAT THEY BOUGHT. THAT ISN'T EVEN VAGUELY SEXY.
 * Purple Prose: The non-plagiarised parts fall into this.
 * Raging Stiffie: Cedric and his "morning salutes".
 * Rape Is OK When It Is Female On Male: involved in one of the druidic rituals. Yes, yes, so he did actually agree to it before having his sentience put on hold and being used as a love machine, they both love each other, etc.
 * Sherlock Scan: How Rose would have us believe she knows the plot in advance.
 * Signature Move: Rather than Harry's disarming charm, Rose Potter goes with the much more lethal Piercing Curse.
 * Spared by the Adaptation:
 * Word of God implied that this was planned for as well.
 * The Stations of the Canon
 * There Are No Girls on the Internet: The inverse played out with the MSTing of the series linked to above. Since Most Fanfic Writers Are Girls and the assumption is only strengthened when the protagonist is female, not to mention the misandry and the gender-neutral pen name, it was assumed for the longest time that the author was female in spite of the increasing amount of gratuitous female nudity and Rose having all the usual hallmarks of a male-created Sue. It was into the fifth installment before it was finally realized the author was not a very weird lesbian in denial, but rather a heterosexual male failing spectacularly to write from the point of view of a heterosexual female. The author's still plenty weird though.
 * Took a Level in Badass: Neville in book one, then calms down back into a normal state, though in this story...
 * Took a Level in Jerkass: Remember how Dumbledore was calm, patient, and generally kept positive in the face of adversity? Well apparently that's a sign of weakness in Rose World, so he now deals in heavy-handed snark and oozes contempt, at least when called before the Ministry.
 * Wanton Cruelty to the Common Comma: To the dismay of many a sporker, here is a mild example of what can be found in this series:


 * To summarize, the author, has the unfortunate tendency, to overuse commas, the run-on sentences created by this, are quite unwieldy; in addition, the writer shuns the noble period; he instead prefers to use, the semicolon.
 * What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?: Probably the only thing worth making it up is Rose kicking Vernon and Dudley's arses. And even then...
 * You Can't Fight Fate: In PoA Rose just sits back and lets Wormtail escape, because otherwise she'd be defying the prophecy predicting it.
 * You Keep Using That Word: "Cadence" does not mean what Keiran Halycon thinks it means.
 * Younger Than They Look: According to Halcyon, all 11-year-olds have proportions akin to Playboy centerfolds.