Track of the Moon Beast



""Your movie this week stars nobody and features nothing. I hope you gag on it.""

- Pearl Forrester

Track of the Moon Beast is yet another transformation movie where radiation from a meteorite strike causes a professor to be turned into a murderous monster. This time the bland, uninteresting white scientist is some guy named Paul; beyond that, no one knows anything about him, including the screenwriter. There's also a bland, uninteresting Love Interest dressed in terrycloth named Kathy. Their bland, uninteresting romance is hampered by Paul's refusal to just stop transmogrifying into a killer lizard, meaning the intrepid, stew-making shaman Johnny Longbone Longbow has to step in and move the plot along.

For the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, please go to the episode recap page.

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 * Artistic License: Biology: The picture of the T. Rex in the biologists office wouldn't convince a 4 year old.
 * Artistic License Nuclear Physics: Everything surrounding the "explanation" of the radiation from the meteor, mixed in with some Artistic License Astronomy.
 * Basement Dweller: Paul still lives with his mom in what appear to be his early thirties, and Kathy feels he's a very lonely man.
 * Early thirties? Not quite. According to the APB that plays on the radio in the Wheat Penny & Glock shop that Paul visits to buy a shotgun, "Here's a description of the man being sought. His name is Paul Gene Carlson. He's 24 years old, Caucasian, about six feet tall, weighing 160, brown hair, blue eyes."
 * Better To Die Than To Be A Bipedal Lizardman
 * Dawson Casting: Kathy's actress is probably about ten years older then her character, although the film is so washed out and faded it's hard to tell.
 * Dull Surprise: "Moon rock? Oh, wow." See also: every other line Kathy says.
 * Also, the "prank." Drawn out into the open and brought down by multiple packs of hound/dingo crossbreeds with baseball bats by the long, convoluted and completely unnecessary apology because of his "reaction."
 * Dumb Blonde: Kathy, in spades. This was probably not what they were going for at all.
 * Failed a Spot Check: A pair of cops obligingly just keep staring in the exact opposite direction from where Paul is sneaking up on them.
 * Fan Disservice: The movie for features a good look at the drunken bowler's asscheeks.
 * Fan Service: Say what you want about Paul, but he's got a great body. He spends 1/3 of his screentime topless.
 * Fashion Dissonance: Everything Kathy wears.
 * From Nobody to Nightmare: Paul would presumably have become one if not stopped in time.
 * He Also Did: Writer William Finger? Co-creator of Batman. If you're wondering what he was doing writing lame movies, Bob Kane conned him out of the royalties for the character.
 * I Love Nuclear Power: And radioactive meteorites.
 * Imagine Spot: Paul has a fantasy of getting into the mountain lift and jumping out of it while it's in the air.
 * Large Ham: Johnny is maybe slightly softer-spoken than your average ham, but he still has his occasional moments of Chewing the Scenery.
 * Leitmotif: The stereotypical theme for Johnny Longbow.
 * Magical Native American: Johnny Longbow.
 * Notable Original Music: "California Lady"
 * The Seventies: Make it stop.
 * Sex Equals Love
 * Shoot the Dog
 * Our Werebeasts Are Different: Were-lizardman!
 * What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?: The prank and Johnny Longbow's stew, made with corn, chicken, green peppers, chilis, *sigh* onions...
 * Actually, try Johnny's recipe. It's delicious. The is best left out, but can be added to your tastes.

"Moon rock? Oh, wow."