The West Wing/Funny

"President Bartlet: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
 * The entire "Josh digs himself into a hole with the press" subplot from "Celestial Navigation".

Josh: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that."

"CJ: I had woot canaw.
 * From the same episode:

CJ: Be wary cawfuwl not to deswoy us."

""CJ, if you say 'bweifing' or 'Pwesident' one more time, I swear to God...""
 * And Toby wins the episode with:

""OK, first of all-- CJ, if blood is gushing from the head wound you just received from a herd of stampeding bison, you'll do the press briefing.""
 * No, I have to say that Bartlet wins the episode, summing up Josh's entire briefing room experience thusly:

""Day after tomorrow?" "Yes, sir." "Is he coming in from Neptune?""
 * Bartlet's entire mood during that scene wins the episode.

"*Charlie starts to poke the president; Bartlet grabs his hand*
 * The scene where Charlie has to go and wake the president up.

Bartlet: Charlie, are you aware you're committing a federal crime?"

""Three hundred IQ points between them, they can't find their way home. I swear to God, if Donna wasn't there, they'd have to buy a house.""
 * Josh, Toby and Donna get left behind on the campaign trail during the two-part episode "20 Hours in America" and spend the titular time getting back to DC. Their journey gets repeatedly derailed by Funny Moments. As the President puts it:

""It's a common mistake."
 * In this episode, Josh, Toby and Donna board a train. Josh asks the campaign volunteer who drove them to the station to assure him that everything is going to be okay. The campaign volunteer points and assures Josh on the life of his girlfriend that his problems will end 'two hundred miles down the track'. The train then starts moving. In exactly the opposite direction.
 * Same episode: Toby and Josh are throwing rocks at a trashcan, and wager that whoever misses first has to add "I work at the White House" every time they introduce themselves, while traveling through rural Indiana. Toby is forced to say this every time they meet someone in the episode, drawing the ire of the cavalcade of conservative hicks they encounter. The phrase gets an Ironic Echo at the end, when Toby uses it sincerely.
 * The scene with the time zones.

"NOT FOR THE US GOVERNMENT!""

"Sam's Answering Machine: Hi, it's Sam. I'm sleeping for a few hours right now so you can leave a message, or :if you really need me you can shout into the machine, and I'll wake up.
 * Sam finally goes home to sleep for a few hours after basically working for a week straight, which is right when Josh calls to tell him that he'll have to cover on an urgent issue:

Josh: 'SAM!!'

Sam: *starts awake, flails right out of bed onto the floor*"

"Bartlet: Aren't I going to get a reputation for being soft on turkeys?"
 * The Thanksgiving where President Bartlet pardons a second turkey.

"Bartlet: By the power vested in me as President of the United States I hereby pardon you.
 * C.J. explains why she wants him to pardon both turkeys: "The winner gets life at a petting zoo, the runner-up gets eaten." Bartlet: "If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch."
 * When the turkey delivery boy falls for the second pardon Bartlet loses it, goes on a rant about educational standards and then tells him that the President can't just pardon random turkeys and he should take it away. CJ then gives Bartlet a hurt look, causing him to give in and announce that he's drafting the turkey into federal service instead.

Morton: Okay!

Bartlet: No! It's not okay! Morton, I can't pardon a turkey; if you think I can pardon a turkey then you have got to go back to your school and insist that you be better prepared to go out in the world.

Donna: You can't pardon a turkey?"

"Morton: Where should I put them?
 * Perhaps the greatest part of this subplot is when Bartlet resolves the dispute by drafting the turkey into military service.
 * Toby, Josh and Sam simultaneously coming to the decision that they should land the turkeys with CJ in the first place:

(Beat)

Josh: CJ's office.

Sam: CJ.

Josh: I'd definitely put them in CJ's office.

Toby: Good idea.

Sam: It's right there.

Josh: CJ handles all the—

Toby: Donna will show you.

Josh: —birds.

Toby: And Morton, Ms. Cregg is gone for the night and her office is secure, so you should feel free to let the turkeys out of the cage and allow them to, you know, roam freely as they were meant to do."

"Sam: Over three and a half centuries ago, linked by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs... and solve crimes.
 * And then there's the first draft of the Thanksgiving speech:

Toby: Sam...

Sam: It'd be good. By day, they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs, and by night they solve crimes.

Toby: Read the thing.

Sam: Pilgrim detectives.

Toby: Do you see me laughing?

Sam: I think you're laughing on the inside.

Toby: Okay.

Sam: With the big hats.

Toby: Give me the speech."

"Toby: Accidentally?
 * Toby's reaction to Sam's confession that he accidentally slept with a prostitute:

Sam: Yes.

Toby: I don't understand, did you trip over something?"

"Josh: Hey Senator? Why don't you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass. [Hangs up] Turns out I was fine."
 * Josh combines this with a Crowning Moment of Awesome; Bartlet is about to announce a new policy initiative in a speech. Prominent Republicans have promised that, if he does, they'll force through a legislative agenda that will make him cry. As Bartlet makes the speech, everyone counsels Josh - who is about to be bombarded with threats and attacks - not to panic. On cue, as Bartlet makes the announcement, a Republican Senator irately calls Josh, who answers his phone and before the Senator can even speak, nonchalantly says:

"Josh: Good cop, bad cop. I'm the good cop. The four of you are the bad cops. Will, what are you?
 * Made even better by the audience bursting into wild applause at that moment (OK, it was for the President's speech, but the timing was perfect).
 * The part from The Stackhouse Filibuster where several members of the cast are writing letters to their parents. When Josh goes to the Hill to talk to Senator Stackhouse, you hear the voiceover, "thanks for the new shoes, Mom" at the same time as said shoes slide out from under him and land him flat on his ass in the middle of a hallway.
 * In Bad Moon Rising, the current White House Counsel is packing for a trip, in which his assistants mock both his large gavel and his claim that his recorder is broken. ("It's stuck on 'record'. And that's never caused trouble in a White House Counsel's office!") Five minutes later, Bartlet comes in and asks his opinion on an over-the-top legal problem.  The White House Counsel blinks at them for a second, then...ensures that the recorder will not record this or any other conversation ever again, then looks up and says, "Okay". Cut to the credits.
 * In Inauguration: Over There, Charlie does this and a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming at the same time:

Will: Bad cop.

Josh: Danny, what are you?

Danny: Bad cop.

Josh: Charlie, what are you?

Charlie: I love Zoey and I must have her back.

Will: That's great news about Zoey, I didn't meet her but I bet she's nice.

Charlie: Not really, but my love for her knows no bounds.

Danny: Charlie, aren't you cold without a coat?

Charlie: I took off my coat to show my love for Zoey.

Danny: Wow.

Charlie: I'd take off my shirt too, but it's inappropriate with a tuxedo."

"Danny: Not if we were at Chippendale's."
 * All that and you're going to leave out Danny's response?

"Charlie: [about Jean-Paul] Cause he may be good-looking and rich and well-schooled and French royalty, you know, and live basically in a castle, but... oh, God.
 * At the end of the scene:

Toby: This is what I've been telling you."

"Danny: You know, by the end of the night, I think we may have a whole new story.
 * You both suck. While this is happening, Josh is pummeling Donna's window with snowballs.

Toby: * laughs* ; at this point, they're waking up the neighborhood.

Toby: * on phone* Hi, National Enquirer?"

"Josh: Toby, come quick! Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl!
 * A hilarious moment while Sam is being pummelled by Ainsley Hayes on television:

Toby: Ginger, get the popcorn!"

"Josh: Could you possibly get us some dried leaves?
 * Sam and Josh light a fire in the White House, learning a little too late that this particular fireplace has had its flue closed off for decades. Cut to Charlie barging into Bartlet's bedroom: "Sir, you know how you told me never to wake you up unless the building was on fire?"
 * Charlie and the President's interactions are made of funny. "Sir, I need you to dig in now. It wasn't a nightmare. You really are the president." "WHO IS THIS?!"
 * "I mean, what in the name of everything holy could you possibly want right now?"
 * The entire scene with the fire, really:

Donna: Yeah, I'll just run out to the forest and be right back. (She leaves)

Sam: You know what?

Josh: You think she was being sarcastic?

Sam: Yeah, I don't think she's getting the leaves."

"Bartlet: Why is she still in there?
 * Danny buying CJ a goldfish. ("The crackers, Danny, the kind you have at a party?" "You know, I don't think I was supposed to know that.")
 * My favorite part of that scene is when she's holding the goldfish bowl up to look into it, and for a second her smile is magnified to the size of the half-circle of water inside the bowl.
 * In "Bartlet's Third State of the Union", Ainsley has been terrified all episode of meeting the President for the first time. When she finally does, she's got her back to the door, is dancing and singing, holding a drink, and wearing a bathrobe. When she turns around and realizes the President has walked into the room, she screams at the top of her lungs and throws the drink over her shoulder.
 * Not to mention that the next time she meets him she has her skirt on backwards and is so nervous that when she has to pee, she walks into Leo's closet thinking that it's the bathroom:

Sam: That's kind of hard to say, sir."

"Josh: What in god's name is happening right now?"
 * Bartlet: They won't let me smoke inside but you can pee in Leo's closet.
 * Josh's first meeting with Joey Lucas:

"Joey (through Kenny): Joshua Lyman, you have the cutest little butt in professional politics.
 * Not to mention:

Josh: Kenny, that really better have been her talking."

"Charlie: I work with the smartest people in the world--
 * There's a subplot from "What Kind of Day Has It Been" where Josh's desk chair has been removed for repairs, a fact that he keeps forgetting, and another where Charlie is arguing with Zoey about giving some advice to the President. It leads to this beautiful sight gag.


 * WHAM* Josh attempts to sit in the missing chair and falls on his ass.

Josh: DONNA!!!"

"Bartlet: If I cook my stuffing inside the turkey, is there a chance I might kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker."
 * On Thanksgiving, President Bartlet calls the Butterball Hotline for help with making stuffing, and they ask for his name and address. He claims to be Joe Bethersonton of Fargo, North Dakota. When he realizes that he needs the ZIP code, Toby calls Charlie for Fargo's ZIP code, and Bartlet is forced to stall by making up a ridiculously long street address until Charlie comes in in with the ZIP code. The operator comments that he has a familiar voice, and he claims that he does radio commercials ("for... products"). He then argues with her about the minutiae of turkey stuffing for several minutes while Toby patiently waits for him to finish.

"Bartlet: That was excellent! We should do that once a week."
 * The best part is Bartlet's line at the end:

"Josh: You went over my head and you did it behind my back!
 * "Dead Irish Writers", practically all of it.

Amy: Quite the contortionist am I."

"Abbey: Claudia Jean, let's get drunk!
 * The girls drinking:

CJ: Okay.

Josh: Hey, where're you going?

Amy: The First Lady just asked me to get boozy with her. You think I'm not gonna write a book someday?"

"Bartlet: What the hell is going on? When I left, we were all Americans!"
 * And then there's Bartlet's response to coming back into the ballroom to find the Canadian flag has been raised and everyone singing the Canadian national anthem.

"Marbury: Would you have something with which to light my cigarette?
 * Lord John Marbury, especially versus Leo.

Leo: Oh, I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in this part of the world."

"Margaret: Leo?
 * One of this troper's favorite moments is in "The Drop-In" when Leo doesn't know Marbury is there to see him.

Leo: Yeah?

Margaret: There's someone here to see you.

Leo: [looks at watch] Who?

Marbury: [off-sceen] GERALD!

Leo: Oh, God."

"Marbury: Abigail! May I grasp your breasts?"
 * While Marbury is probably a Crowning Person Of Funny, my favorite was his introduction.

"Bartlet: You know my lucky tie...
 * POTUS and FLOTUS. I will make a special mention of the debate episode where she cuts off his necktie right before he goes out. Crowning Moment of Funny leading to a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming setting the stage for a Crowning Moment of Awesome.

Abbey: Yeah, I heard [it got ruined]. So, do you think there's any point in still having the debate?"

"Obnoxious State Official: Are you rewriting the section?
 * Will sticks it to a State official:

Will: Yes, sir.

Obnoxious State Official: Dramatically?

Will: I like to think I have a certain flair."

"Josh: What're you doing?
 * From a flashback in "In the Shadow of Two Gunmen":

Sam: Protecting oil companies from litigation. They're our client. They don't lose legal protection just because they make a lot of money.

Josh: Can't believe no one ever wrote a folk song about that."

"Toby: It's not so much that you cheat sir, its how brazenly bad you are it.
 * "Do you want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?"
 * "Yes. I turned, I cursed, I spat. It froze."
 * From "These Crackpots and These Women", President Bartlet's basketball game with his staff:

Bartlet: Give me an example.

Toby: In Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.

Bartlet: She did.

Toby: It was Steffi Graf, sir!

Bartlet: I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her.

Toby: You crazy lunatic, you think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?"

"Josh:Okay, five White House staffers in the room. I'd like to say to the one point six of you who are stoned right now, it's time to share."
 * From the episode when Congressman Lillianfield is trying to convince the American people that one in three White House staffers use drugs:

"Abbey: Just give him a message for me, would you?
 * The episode "And It's Surely to Their Credit" has this memorable scene where the First Lady (who's also a doctor) is dictating a memo to Charlie to give to the President about how he's fully recovered from the Assassination attempt:

Charlie: Sure.

Abbey: You'll want to write this down.

Charlie: Yes, ma'am.

Abbey: Your blood pressure is 120/80.

Charlie: How did you know that, ma'am?

Abbey: I'm saying his blood pressure.

Charlie: Ah... is 120/80.

Abbey: Yeah. Your EKG shows a good sinus rhythm.

Charlie: Okay.

Abbey: No evidence of ischemic changes.

Charlie: How are we spelling...?

Abbey: Doesn't matter. Your electrolytes and metabolic panels are within normal limits. Chest x-ray is clear, and prostate screens are fine.

Charlie: Okay.

Abbey: So, we can have sex now."

"Bartlet: Abbey, you have two minutes, or I swear to God I'm gonna get Mrs. Landingham drunk."
 * Charlie steps into the Oval Office; five seconds later Bartlett comes barreling out of the room like it was on fire. A little... antsy are we, Jed? Actually, horny!Bartlett in general is a Funny Moment.

"Donna: Oh my god, you're putting my mother's cats on the Supreme Court!"
 * When Abbey tells Bartlet about investigative journalist Nellie Bly, emphasizing her achievement in circumnavigating the world in 72 days, 6 hours, 11 minutes and 14 seconds. Bartlett replies, "She sounds like an incredible woman, Abbey. I'm particularly impressed that she beat a fictional record. If she goes down 21,000 leagues under the sea, I'll name a damn school after her! Let's have sex."
 * The build-up for this joke has spanned over two seasons: The Chair of the Supreme Court is on the verge of full-blown dementia, writing statements in verse and such. He refuses to retire, because he's afraid that with a Republican Congress, Bartlet can't replace him with another left-leaning judge. The best the president can do is getting a centrist judge appointed. When in the episode "The Supremes" another, this time more conservative judge dies of an heart-attack, the White House is faced with a similar dilemma. Until Donna tells Josh about the two cats of her parents. Apparently, while her father preferred one cat, her mother had her heart set on another one. Therefore, they decided to compromise, and got both cats. Josh decided to do the same, by replacing the conservative judge with another conservative, and the Chair with a Democrat. When Donna finds out, she realizes what has happened:

"Toby: He wrote a dissenting opinion in what I am almost certain is trochiac tetrometer.
 * The Chief Justice's poetic opinions are pretty hilarious in and of themselves:

Bartlet: (reading) "Fear of cancer from asbestos / Fuzzy science manifestos."

and Leo: (reading) "Guilty? / Or not guilty? / Past convictions frustrate / The judge who wonders should your fate / Abate." It's a cinquain."

"CJ: You want to make out with me now, don't you?
 * CJ and Toby in "Someone's Going to Emergency...":

Toby: Well, when don't I?"

""We jumped out from behind bushes, while the British came down the road in their bright red jackets, but never has a war been so courteously declared. It was on parchment with calligraphy and "Your highness, we beseech you on this day in Philadelphia to bite me, if you please.""
 * Sam, on the Boston Tea Party:

"You mean I wasn't supposed to take them both?"
 * Jed Bartlet + Percocet + Vicodin = hysterical viewers (seen in its full glory here.

"Sam:"In 1787 there was a sizable bloc of delegates who were initially opposed to the bill of rights. This is what a member of the Georgia delegation had to say by way of opposition: 'If we list a set of rights, some fools in the future are going to claim the people are entitled only to those rights enumerated and no others'."
 * I'm seriously thinking about getting a dog.
 * Sam arguing with a potential Supreme Court nominee about the limits of the Constitution:

Judge: "Son, were you just calling me a fool then?"

Sam: "I wasn't calling you a fool, sir. The brand new state of Georgia was.""

"C.J.: Have you noticed I'm the one of the few people around here whose nose isn't bent out of shape over Ainsley Hayes?
 * The scene where Will meets Toby for the first time to talk about helping him write Bartlet's second inaugural address. Before he came in, Toby had thrown away a page of writing he wasn't happy with, but not before setting it on fire, leading the trash can to start smoldering while Will's in there. He points this out and Toby, still talking, gets up and gets a little fire extinguisher contraption full of water and puts out the fire, as if it happens all the time... oh, words don't do it justice at all, but Richard Schiff totally sells it. I love that man.
 * "And It's Surely to Their Credit":

Toby: Yeah. Listen...

C.J.: I'm serious!

Toby: C.J., you heard the news and you slammed the door so hard it broke, okay? You heard the news and you broke the White House."

"Leo: How'd it go?
 * When Josh emerges from his session with Stanley Keyworth in "Noel." One of the few really funny moments in a (great, but) mostly serious episode.

Josh: He thinks I might have an eating disorder.

Leo: Josh.

Josh: And a fear of rectangles. That's not weird, is it?"

"Guest: I'M MARION COATSWORTH-HAYE!!
 * Most of "Privateers," about Marion Coatsworth-Haye, especially when C.J. refers to her as "Helena Hodsworth Hooter-Tooter of Braintree."

C.J.: (uncontrollable laughter for the remainder of the scene)"

"I've gotta tell him I lost a submarine. Can I make something up, like "say a friend of mine hypothetically...""
 * The page quote for I Have This Friend.

"Bartlet: The words you're looking for are "Oh, good grief." /cut to credits"
 * When Leo admits he's not that familiar with Peanuts, and Bartlet asks him if he was born at the age of fifty-five.
 * "If you call any of the Joint Chiefs 'Lucy', you're on your own."
 * And then when Leo's told they missed the target for the new missile defense system by 100 miles:

"Leo: The missile acheived nine out of ten of its design goals!
 * In the same episode:

Bartlet: And the tenth one was?

Bartlet: (mutters) ...hitting the target."

"Donna: This guy... there are some who would consider him handsome. I don't, personally, 'cause you're the only one I think is handsome.
 * In "The Stackhouse Filibuster", Bartlet and Abbey are planning on a romantic dinner in the residence cooked by a visiting chef, which Abbey has to cancel on at the last minute. He asks Leo to join him instead. "We'll just pretend there's no candlelight." Leo: "And that we're not paranoid homophobes."
 * In the course of a conversation about Swiss diplomacy in "Swiss Diplomacy," Bartlet is moved to draw an analogy to the cats his kids had when they were little, Mr. Finch and Mrs. Wilberforce. At the end of the scene, as they're walking away, he declares, "Mr. Finch and Mrs. Wilberforce! There's nothing wrong with my memory... though those are stupid names, and there's something wrong with my kids."
 * The possible alternate Funny Moment is later on, when the President is relating the story to his wife and she points out he's confused one of the cats with their maid.
 * In season six, when Kate finds herself the Only Sane Man in the situation room as inexplicable tensions between the US and Canada over a couple of hunters move the nations closer to a conflict. Particularly, the scene where she is assuring the Canadians that the USA does not have a contingency plan to invade Canada, and then she sees the face on the nearest military advisor and realizes that yes, the USA does have a plan to invade Canada.
 * Donna tries to get Josh to hire Joe Quincy.

Josh: Uh-huh.

Donna: But for the sake of appearances, here, around the office, I'd pretend I thought this guy was handsome if you hired him. Of course, all along it'd be a lie, 'cause of how handsome you are. And powerful. [lets her eyes drift onto his chest and sighs as if overwhelmed by handsomeness and power]

Josh: ...Your sense of humor's a bit of a high-wire act, isn't it? You're really trying to thread the needle."

"Bartlet:There are big signs - you can't park there. They should get towed! I hope they get towed to Queens! And the Triborough is closed! And there's a big craft show at Shea! A flea market, or a tractor show!
 * The UN Secretary-General getting an earful about ambassadors not paying parking tickets:

Bartlet slams down the phone.

Charlie: (beat) Well, that was probably his secretary.

Bartlet: Dammit."

"C.J.: Duchamp was the father of Dadaism.
 * After C.J.'s been going on about the Dadaist surrealism of the butter Last Supper depicting butter:

Toby: I know.

C.J.: The dada of Dada.

Toby: ...It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke, it's coming and you just have to stand there."

"Margaret: Can I just say something for the future?
 * Bartlet filing Charlie's tax return.
 * Margaret and Leo are generally comedy gold, but the top of the list has to be this scene from "In the Shadow of Two Gunmen, Part II"

Leo: Yeah.

Margaret: I can sign the President's name. I have his signature down pretty good.

Leo: You can sign the President's name?

Margaret: Yeah.

Leo: On a document removing him from power and giving it to someone else?

Margaret: Yeah? (Leo gives her a Death Glare) Or...do you think the White House Counsel would say that was a bad idea?

Leo: I think the White House counsel would say it was a coup d'etat!

Margaret: Well, I'd probably end up doing some time for that.

Leo: I would THINK! And what the hell were you doing practicing the President's signature?

Margaret: (fleeing the room) It was just for fun.

Leo: (to C.J., who has just entered) We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret, vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill!"

"Leo: Who the hell is this guy and why do I care if he has a Merry Christmas or not?
 * Then there's this scene from "In Excelsis Deo":

Margaret: Just sign the damn thing!"

"Leo: What the hell are you doing?
 * Then there's this scene from "The Lame-Duck Congress":

Margaret: Why, I'm typing, Leo. (one finger at a time)

Leo: Margaret?!?

Margaret: Apparently, your response to Donna's perfectly legitimate concern about the White House not supporting OSHA's recommendation regarding repetitive stress injuries was to 'type slower'. Donna has organized most of the assistants in the West Wing to do just that.

Leo: (Beat) Margaret?

Margaret: Yeah?

Leo: Look at my face, right now.

(Margaret takes one look at Leo's Death Glare and starts typing normally.)"

"Ainsley: The woman who works out there, who I imagine is your secretary, offered me coffee or something.
 * Margaret doesn't even have to be in the room, as in the scene where Leo offers Ainsley a job, first asking Ainsley if anyone offered her a drink:

Leo: Okay.

Ainsley: She was also kind enough to ask for my coat.

Leo: Excellent, and...

Ainsley: She seems to be a very good secretary.

Leo: Well, she'll be happy to hear that, she's standing right outside the door. (thumps door with his fist)

Margaret: (from outside) Ow."

"Leo: You have a very unusual conversational style, you know that?
 * CJ spends an episode defending the urban legend that you can stand an egg on end during a solar equinox, and eventually the others look online and can't find a single website supporting it. "You really have to wonder: if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?"
 * Haven't these people ever heard of Snopes?
 * Well, Aaron Sorkin doesn't believe in the Interenet. We don't like to talk about it.
 * The whole state-dinner background event in "On the Day Before," where C.J. is worried about whether she'll be able to talk to the Nobel Prize-winning chemist she's been seated next to. I particularly like when she recites what she knows about him to Toby and he says, "Well, as long as all he wants to talk about is where he's from, where he went to school and what his name is, you'll be fine."
 * Will's excuse for planning to take a vacation after the events of season four's election arc: "This was a pretty tough campaign, okay? A guy died of it. This campaign had fatalities."
 * Another Ainsley one, the scene where Leo hires her.

Ainsley: It's a nervous... condition.

Leo: I used to have one of those.

Ainsley: How did yours manifest itself?

Leo: I drank a lot of scotch.

Ainsley: I get sick when I drink too much.

Leo: I get drunk when I drink too much."


 * A bit later :

"Ainsley: A job in THIS White House?

Leo: You want a glass of scotch?

Ainsley: Yes, please."


 * And later still :

"Ainsley: You have my FBI file?

Leo: Yes.

Ainsley: I can't believe this! You have my FBI file?

Leo: Yes.

Ainsley: I *have* an FBI file?"

"CJ: I'm going to assign an intern from the press office, they're gonna check it every night before they go home. If I find out you've been there, I'm gonna shove a motherboard so far up your ass- (Josh laughs) WHAT?
 * CJ's response to learning that Josh has been sparring with the members of a website devoted to him - actually the entire Lemon-Lymon subplot of that episode, including CJ's analogy of a website to One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.

Josh: Uh, technically, I outrank you.

CJ: SO FAR UP YOUR ASS!"

"Sam: What's his name?
 * In "Galileo," Sam is forced to be at the same event as Mallory, not having talked to her since the whole photographed-with-a-prostitute incident.

Mallory: His name is Richard Andrewchuk.

Sam: There's a hockey player named Richard Andrewchuk.

Mallory: Well, unless there are two of them.

Sam: You're dating Richard Andrewchuk?

Mallory: Yes, and we're having quite a lot of sex.

Sam: I'd almost think you'd have to.

Mallory: What does that mean?

Sam: What the hell do you and Richard Andrewchuk talk about?

Mallory: He happens to be a terribly bright guy.

Sam: Well, good, because he's a really bad hockey player.

Mallory: He's had injury problems this season.

Sam: From falling down."

"Lionel Tribbey: I will kill people today, Leo. I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again with my own hands."
 * Then there's Lionel Tribbey, a walking Crowning Moment of Funny:

"Ainsley Hayes: Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment.Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.\\
 * And when Ainsley goes to him for advice:

Lionel Tribbey: Beat Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction."

"President 'Bartlet: Well, obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison."
 * Of course, the when he interrupts the President's radio address (another Funny Moment itself):

"Sam: Ms. O'Brien, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?
 * When Sam and Mallory first meet:

Mallory: That would be me.

Sam: You.

Mallory: Yes.

Sam: Leo's daughter's fourth-grade class.

Mallory: Yes.

Sam: Well, this is bad on so many levels."

"Russell: There are very serious men and women in the White House. A blow was struck for party unity this morning. There's no cause to gloat.
 * At the beginning of "Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc", Mandy laments that the staff of the West Wing will be gloating at the fact that they have prevented Senator Lloyd Russell from being any sort of threat to Bartlet for the Presidential nomination.

(Cut to Josh bursting out of his office)

Josh: Victory is mine, victory is mine, great day in the morning, people, victory is mine!

Donna: Good morning, Josh.

Josh: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.

Donna: (hanging up her coat as Josh does a dance of victory and bows to the rest of his staff behind her) It's going to be an unbearable day."

"Toby: Excuse me, Officer... how long do you think this is going to be?
 * The scene where C.J. tries out the shooting range at the Secret Service gym.
 * Toby and Charlie getting arrested in "The California 47th":

Officer: Assault? Six to twenty months.

Charlie: It wasn't assault. He slipped on a thing.

Officer: Yeah, one of the guys says you hit him.

Charlie: Well, that was different. That part may have been assault."

"Toby: Is there any chance I could get a corner cell or anything possibly with a loft?
 * And later:

Officer: They're solitary.

Toby: Perfect."

"Sam: So on a call girl's phone bill, there's going to be a call to Air Force One?
 * In "Red Haven's On Fire":
 * Sam berates Toby for borrowing a phone from a call girl to get in touch with Josh:

Toby: You're really going to be teaching the seminar on call girl caution? Really?"

"Toby: Hey, Hurricane, we were in the joint for like twenty minutes."
 * Or, after they're bailed out and Charlie is acting all tough-guy to the guard:

"CJ: He looks youthful.
 * Toby as Sam's newly-appointed campaign manager has Sam speak to some reporters on Newport Beach. As the interview takes place:

Toby: Yes.

CJ: And energetic.

Toby: Yes.

CJ: He looks youthful and energetic. Do we have anything he can jump over?"

"Leo:Make a recommendation by the end of the day.
 * Leo is giving Toby a job he really doesn't want:

Toby:Yeah.

Leo (turning to Josh): What are you smiling at?

Josh: Nothing, I just...(grinning) Toby got the stamp assignment.

Toby:Leo, I might need some help.

Leo:Take Josh.

TobyThanks. (turning to Josh) Congratulations, you're choosing the next stamp.

Josh (to himself): Wow, that happened fast."

"Hoynes: Mr. President, I'm a recovering alcoholic.
 * Leo, a recovering alcoholic, and VP Hoynes are meeting with the President.

Bartlet: Really?

Hoynes: Yes, sir.

Bartlet: (beat) Is there anybody left who's not?!"

"Jed: I'm just saying, it could've been worse, I could've been an astronaut.
 * Leo trolls for ideas for his wedding anniversary, and is advised against hiring a violinist: "The novelty wears off after a few minutes, and then it's just a guy with a violin in your house."
 * The campaign suggests Leo's daughter Mallory goes on television with him to help address his past addiction issues, possibly with her baby. Bram asks if it's a photogenic baby...with Leo in the room. The look of outrage on his face is priceless, as is Bram's slightly abashed follow-up: "...hey, not all of them are."
 * Bruno Gianelli negotiating with Leo and then President Bartlet. He haggles with Leo and wins the compromise between 10 and 15 percent of the ad buy, getting 13 instead of 12. He then demands direct access to the President, which Leo denies, so Bruno threatens that if he talks to the President and says it's a dealbreaker, he'll say yes. Leo has Margaret show him into the Oval Office, where Bartlet immediately starts with "so we're giving you 12% of the ad buy?" and eventually cuts off Bruno's ultimatum with his own. Quoting it here wouldn't even do it justice since it's Ron Silver and Martin Sheen's dynamic that makes the negotiation hilariously one-sided.
 * What makes it even more beautiful is that Bartlet is just so cheerfully pleasant and (seemingly) oblivious as he just completely demolishes all of Bruno's demands one after the other... because really, what's Bruno going to do?
 * The beginning of Jed's talk with Abbey in the limo in "Manchester":

Abbey: You could not have been an astronaut.

Jed: I would've been a great astronaut.

Abbey: You're afraid of heights, speed, fire, and small spaces."

"Josh: Did you know that sixty-nine percent of Americans oppose legalization [of marijuana]? Only twenty-three percent support it.
 * In "Ellie"...

Dr. Griffith: The number gets a lot higher than that if you ask people under thirty.

Josh: Well that's a shock. Did you know that the number gets even higher than that if you limit the polling sample to Bob Marley and the Wailers?"

"Bartlet: You're weak. You have a weak will. You should have held it. See if she pulled out the Continuity of Government plan.
 * CJ's first meeting as Chief of Staff. She's barely just gotten seated at the desk when both Toby and Josh within a minute of each other pull out letters of resignation, citing that they don't feel comfortable working under her. CJ starts to protest... and then Bartlet walks into her office and bluntly announces he's uncomfortable working with a woman and that he's going to give the VP a shot at the top job, leaving CJ completely flummoxed and speechless... at which point Toby starts giggling uncontrollably.

Will: He cracked up at the mere suggestion of the VP...

Toby: [Still giggling uncontrollably] I had a whole thing on spending time with my kids, I went up.

CJ: [Having realized the prank] You are bad, bad men.

Bartlet: In the service of a vengeful god."

"Nurse: I need to ask you a couple of questions, sir. Do you have any medical conditions?
 * Bartlet manages to pull one off in the middle of a scene where he's being wheeled into surgeryafter :

Bartlet: Well... I've been shot!"

"Bartlet: "As I look over this magnificent vista..."
 * The Cold Open of "Let Bartlet Be Bartlet". Toby and Sam are arguing over a speech, which opens with "As I look out over this magnificent vista." Toby is worried about what happens in the event of sudden rain - if the speech will be moved inside, do they change it immediately or trust Bartlet to improvise his own opening? Sam assures him that rain isn't going to happen - he has a report from the National Weather Service. "They use satellites. They use technology." Cue a thunderclap and a downpour. Toby notes that "This is the same satellite technology we use to detect intercontinental ballistic missiles." They get interrupted by the plot for several minutes. Finally, as they stand watching the speech, Sam has an Oh Crap reaction, telling Leo "I forgot to do something."

Cue credits"

"Bartlet: Charlie, there's a woman whose voice I think would fit in very nicely around here. She's a conservative Republican. Should I hire her?
 * From "In This White House," when Bartlet decides to hire Ainsley Hayes (who is herself a source of several Crowning Moments of Funny) and Leo is trying to talk him out of it.

Charlie: Absolutely, Mr. President, because I'm told theirs is the party of inclusion.

Leo: See? Charlie just made a joke to you in the Oval Office. That's how bad an idea this is."

"Bartlet: Charlie, when they close the book on me and you, they will note that in this moment you were not there for me, and for that, obviously, there'll be some kind of punishment.
 * Then, a few moments later:

Charlie: Well, you could always sing Puccini for me again, sir. We'll call it even."

"C.J.: Are you kidding?
 * C.J.'s reaction is also pretty funny:

Leo: No.

C.J.: Are you kidding?

Leo: No.

C.J.: Are you kidding?

Leo: No.

C.J.: WELL, WHAT THE HELL MADE YOU THINK I WOULDN'T SCREAM WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE?

Leo: I took a shot."