Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (novel)/Funny

From the book:
"Lockhart: Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a love potion! Snape was looking as if the first person to ask him for a love potion would be force-fed poison."
 * Professor Lockhart's Valentine's Day celebration:

"I can't remember if it was stated in the book, but where did the basilisk come from? Salazar Slytherin hatched it a thousand years ago. It's been waiting all this time for the Heir of Slytherin to come and say "Wanna play fetch? Go get the mudblood! Go get it! Good giant snake thing! Atta boy!""
 * Made funnier by the fact that Love Potions are banned at Hogwarts.
 * "Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through!"
 * "Soon the air was thick with flying gnomes."
 * "... the gnome, sensing weakness, sank its razor-sharp teeth into Harry's hand. He had a hard job shaking it off until- 'Wow, Harry! That must've been fifty feet!'"
 * After Snape fails to get Harry and Ron expelled, he's described as looking "as though Christmas had been canceled."
 * But... wouldn't Christmas getting canceled make Snape happy?
 * Christmas was canceled for Snape.
 * Oh my god, I can't believe that nobody has mentioned the Kwikspell thing from Chamber of Secrets. Seriously, I was laughing so hard at it, mainly because it was so easy to imagine it as an extremely Narmy infomercial complete with Bad Bad Acting and Too Incompetent to Operate a Wand.
 * "*referring to getting Moste Potente Potions via telling a teacher they're "just interested in the theory" of Polyjuice Potion* "Come on, no teacher's gonna fall for that. They'd have to be really thick..." *Gilligan Cut to Lockhart's class*
 * Not in the book, but on the Headscratchers page:


 * The Howler. All of it.

From the film:
"Ron: "Spiders, Harry! They want me to tap dance. And I don't want to tap dance!" Harry: "You tell those spiders, Ron.""
 * Funniest line in the Harry Potter movies which wasn't in the books: After Harry and Ron are sent into the Forbidden Forest to "follow the spiders", Ron, who had a previously established fear of spiders, quips "Why spiders? Why couldn't it be 'follow the butterflies'?"
 * Made even funnier by the director taking advantage of Rupert Grint's voice change hitting mid-movie. Yeah, that voice-cracking wasn't completely intentional.
 * Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
 * RONNICUS EXPLODICUS!!!!
 * And in a Shout-Out to this, we have the scene in  Prisoner of Azkaban, where Ron is having a nightmare:


 * "What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?"
 * When this film was filmed, Mark Williams mentioned a different a Muggle object in each take.
 * Exchange between Malfoy and Harry posing as Crabbe: "What are you wearing glasses for?" "Uh... reading." "Reading? (Beat) I didn't know you could read."