Titus/Quotes

Sex With Pudding [1.1]

 * Titus: Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.


 * Titus: Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.

Dad's Dead [1.2]

 * Titus: Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?


 * Erin: So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead."  So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "My dad's dead"!
 * Titus: Honey, your dad is not dead.
 * Erin: [with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.

Dave Moves Out [1.3]

 * Titus: All he does is mess with people's minds!
 * Ken: You're right, I do.
 * Titus: See, you're doing it right now!
 * Ken: [slyly] No, I'm not.
 * Titus: Yes, you are!
 * Ken: All right, I am.
 * Titus: Stop it!


 * [Flashback to when Titus was 17]
 * Christopher (wailing while banging on the door): Daddy! My key doesn't work in the door any more! I have laundry!
 * Ken: [opens door] Laundry? [squirts dish soap over Titus' shirt] Here's some soap. Find a rock and a river.

The Breakup [1.4]

 * Erin: You slept with her?
 * Titus: She said, "You want some pie?" I didn't know it was a metaphor!




 * Ken: (flashback) Hey, it was just a bad call. Bad call on your part! I cheated on my last wife with you! What did you think was going to happen? Caveat emptor, baby! Great ass.

Titus Integritous [1.5]

 * Titus: I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.
 * Tommy: "Integritous"?
 * Titus: It's a word.


 * Dave I'm Integritous. It's my gladiator name.

Red Asphalt [1.6]

 * Titus: A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?


 * [Thinking they are going to die, Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy are voicing their regrets in life.]
 * Erin: I never got to see Ireland.
 * Titus: Honey, you never got to see San Diego.
 * Erin: [with dry sarcasm] That helps.

Mom's Not Nuts [1.7]

 * Titus: My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.


 * Ken Titus: I hear Looney Tunes made dinner. I'm surprised. Usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.
 * (in the Neutral Space)
 * Christopher Titus: Thanksgiving (cut to Juanita shooting a raw turkey with a handgun): A very special episode.

Intervention [1.8]

 * Titus: We think you have a problem. It's about your drinking.
 * Ken: But I haven't had a drink in a month.
 * Titus: Dad, we'd like you to start again.


 * [Ken, having started drinking again, reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus in which Titus was naked.]
 * Tommy: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!
 * Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
 * Tommy: You were a pirate.
 * [Titus moans in disgust.]


 * Rich: You see a man drowning, you throw him a beer.

Episode Eleven [1.9]

 * Titus: Dad, is there anything I can do?
 * Ken: See if you can trade yourself in for a nice Korean kid. (a nearby Asian nurse glares at him)
 * Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Uh, dad--
 * Ken: I'll name him Ho-John Titus.
 * Titus: Dad--
 * Ken: Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor cap, and I could probably get him for a pack of cigarettes.
 * Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Why don't you see if she can help you?
 * Ken: (turning to the nurse) You know where I can get a Korean kid?


 * [As a practical joke, Titus has convinced hospital staffers to shave Ken's testicles.]
 * Ken: I look like a nine year-old boy.


 * Officer Charlie Regan: You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.
 * Dave: And I want my pot back.
 * Titus: Dave, we're bribing him.
 * Dave: But he already has my pot!

Titus is Dead [2.1]

 * [Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]
 * Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
 * Titus: He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!


 * Nurse Kathy: Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying.  The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.
 * Titus: Whoa, whoa, whoa — attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!


 * Ken (to Titus): I wish you were still in my loins. I wish you never grew in your mother's womb. You should have been fetal research. You're dead to me! (slams the door in Titus' face)

The Test [2.2]

 * Dave: Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.


 * Titus: Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.
 * Dave: Is there something wrong with my sperm?
 * [Titus glares at Dave.]
 * Titus: I'm sure of it.

The Surprise Party [2.3]

 * Titus: In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property. And we have cake too. We're not losers.


 * Dave: Taco Night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!

What's Up Hollywood? [2.4]

 * Titus: Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.
 * Erin: Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!
 * Dave: He got to her!
 * Titus: Dave, she likes me.
 * Dave: [slyly] Oh, right.


 * [After Ken's arrest for DWI, which occurred while he was driving his newly-customized pickup truck.]
 * Ken: You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!

Locking Up Mom [2.5]

 * Erin: Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.
 * Titus: Well, Mom is like a criminal.

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 * [The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]
 * Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.
 * Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
 * Dave: Or something you put jam in!
 * [Titus stares at Dave.]
 * Titus: Like a mason jar.

The Perfect Thanksgiving [2.6]

 * [at the hospital, after the Tituses and Fitzpatricks got into a Thanksgiving family fued]
 * Titus: Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.

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 * [Titus has shrieked after having his shoulder re-located]
 * Dave: Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?
 * Titus: [scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?

Tommy's Girlfriend [2.7]

 * Dave: Here's what you do. You give her a fish with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically-shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's-be-friends fish.

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 * [Tommy has misinterpreted Titus' instructions about running into an ex-girlfriend.]
 * Tommy: You said make it look like an accident!
 * Titus: [incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you?  Dave?
 * Dave: Yeah, dumbass.

The Reconciliation [2.8]

 * Ken: Choose. Who do you want in your life, her or me?
 * Titus: I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.

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 * [Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]
 * Ken: He sounds like some dime store shrink!
 * Bill: Stanford, actually.

Last Noelle [2.9]

 * [talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house]
 * When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter,
 * I sprang from the couch to see what was a matter.
 * I went to the window and tore open the blinds,
 * And there was my girlfriend, quite out of her mind!
 * And I was just standing there, heart pounding with fear,
 * She was bangin' on the glass door with a vodka bottle…filled right 'bout to here.
 * And I knew the window couldn't take it.
 * As she screamed, "Unlock it, you bastard, or, I swear, I'll break it!"
 * Well, I couldn't do that; it was a rented place.
 * So I opened the door, and she punched me in the face!
 * And I summoned my manhood from bottom to top,
 * And I screamed like a little girl…"I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

When I Say Jump [2.11]

 * Titus: Normal people see a bridge spanning a 1500 foot gorge and think, "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Screwed-up people see the same bridge and think, "Oh, I gotta jump off of that!" With a parachute.  I'm not an idiot.

<hr width="50%"/> (Dave is about to push Titus down a flight of cement stairs in a shopping cart)
 * Titus: Okay, what's the record?
 * Dave: (through his headgear) Fifteen stairs!
 * Titus: What?
 * Dave: Fifteen stairs!
 * Titus: All right, fifteen stairs! Go! (Dave pushes the cart) Woo-hoo!
 * Dave: Yeah! (loud crash, Titus groans) Oh my God, Titus! Your head is touching your butt!
 * Titus: I can hear the ocean.

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 * Erin: Christopher, you know how some girls have dreams about being beauty queens, or astronauts, or doctors?
 * Titus: No.
 * Erin: My dream was always to be the only girl in my family... to never get arrested.

Episode 27 [2.12]

 * Titus: My father never chooses me for anything, unless he needs a human shield.

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 * [Titus is showing Kathy the video of Ken's drunk driving arrest.]
 * Titus: Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?
 * [Dave proudly raises his hand.]
 * Titus: Besides Dave?

The Smell of Succes [2.13]

 * [Titus has lost his business and kicked Erin out.]
 * Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!

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 * Ken: You know, I liked you better when you had hope.
 * Titus: No, you didn't.

Deprogramming Erin [2.14]

 * Titus: I do a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk.
 * Erin: I'm in a sack.
 * Titus And when I'm sober!

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 * [Titus has put Erin in a sack]
 * Tommy: I'm letting her out.
 * Titus: Go ahead.
 * Tommy: OWWW!
 * Titus: She might bite you.

NASCAR [2.15]

 * [Spotting a hitchhiker]
 * Titus: It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
 * Ken: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!

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 * [Having been tricked by Erin into spending time together, Titus and Ken plot on how to pay her back.]
 * Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
 * Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.
 * [Titus spit-takes his coffee.]
 * Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
 * Ken: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!

Life Forward [2.16]

 * Ken Titus: Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!
 * Christopher: Hi, Dad.
 * Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!

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 * Jerry October: Welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life.
 * Ken Titus: All these people have kids?

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 * Jerry October: Dave, why don't you tell us what you really want?
 * Dave: (sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!

Gift of the Car Guy [2.17]

 * [Titus learns that Erin has been working as a waitress in a strip club.]
 * Titus: Why didn't you drag her out of there?
 * Ken: You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

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 * Titus: Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.
 * Ken: All right, how much?
 * Titus: Something. Anything.  Just get her the hell out of there.
 * Ken: Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?
 * Titus: "Numbuts"?
 * Ken: Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?
 * Titus: What?
 * Ken: Five grand.
 * Titus: You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money.  I start drinking again, you don't lend me money.  But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand?  Well, you know something, dad?  I'll take it!

Hard Ass [2.19]

 * Tommy: It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!
 * Amy: Yeah. And I'm looking at her.

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 * Ken Titus: There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.
 * Tommy: I'm not gay!
 * Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt.

Private Dave [2.20]

 * Titus: Dave, thank God you're not dead!
 * Dave: Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
 * Titus: I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!

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 * [After throwing Titus through a window]
 * Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.

Three Strikes [2.21]

 * Michael: This will be my third strike.
 * Erin: He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!
 * Titus: Get to the bad part!

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 * Cop: We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.
 * Dave: Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
 * Titus: Dave!
 * Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... pot.

The Pit [2.22]

 * Ken: Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.
 * Jay Leno: That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?
 * Ken: No.
 * Jay Leno: Then shut up, then!

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 * Christopher: People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face.  It'll probably get you on TV.

The Pendulum [2.23]

 * Erin: You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket!  You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.
 * Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
 * Erin: Everybody knows that!
 * Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me!

The Wedding [2.24]

 * Titus: Where's my tux?
 * Tommy: Somebody's bringing it.
 * Titus: "Somebody" who?
 * Tommy: Nobody. Dave.
 * Titus: No!
 * Dave: [walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!

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 * Bill: Where is all of this anger coming from?
 * Titus: Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!

Racing in the Streets [3.1]

 * Ken: What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.
 * Castro: [sarcastically] Si, señor. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]
 * Ken: Now that's my kind of Mexican!

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 * Ken: Oh, by the way; shorts that go all the way down to your ankles — pants!

Tommy's Not Gay [3.3]

 * [Tommy has used the words "daquilicious" and "skosh" in conversation.]
 * Tommy: Oh, my God. "Daquilicious."  "Skosh."  I'm a homo!
 * Titus: *spit-take*

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 * Ken: Fruits have the same rights as normal people. It's not like they're from Vietnam.

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 * (Christopher introduces his dad to Roger, a black boy)
 * Titus: Hey, Dad, this is Roger. He just moved into the neighborhood.
 * Ken: Oh, that explains it. First time I ever saw a black man take a TV into a house.

House Boat [3.6]

 * (Ken Titus's 10th Christmas)
 * 10-Year-Old Ken Titus: A toy puppy! Thanks, Mom.
 * Grandma Titus: Aw, damn it. I forgot to put holes in the box. Well, play with it today, 'cuz tomorrow, it'll be hard.

The Trial [3.7]

 * Titus: I wish everybody had a mom like mine.
 * Prosecutor: A mother who kills people?
 * Titus: Person. She killed one person.  You make it sound like a hobby!

Grandma Titus [3.8]

 * Tommy: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
 * Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
 * Tommy: I'm not gay.
 * Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.

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 * Grandma Titus: George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!
 * Dave: Delaware is famous for its whores.

Errr [3.9]

 * (after Titus saves Amy from attempting suicide by swallowing pills and drinking alcohol)
 * Titus: Vodka and pills? (a beat): I told you to stay out of my Dad's earthquake kit.

Tommy's Crush [3.10]

 * [Titus is facing off against Shannon's husband Stefan.]
 * Titus: Listen, Tommy, you do anything to hurt Shannon, you're gonna have to deal with that Swede and, uh...Dad, what are we, German-Irish?
 * Ken: White. That's all that matters.
 * (the audience groans and Erin stares at Ken in shock)
 * Erin: [offended] Papa Titus!
 * Ken: In society's eyes, I'm saying!

Into Thin Air [3.11]

 * [Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]
 * Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
 * [Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
 * Titus: It's a spruce!

Too Damn Good [3.12]

 * Titus: You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!
 * Ken: You took that as an insult?

Bachelor Party [3.13]

 * [after Nicky's water breaks; two neighbors who can help don't get along]
 * Christopher: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
 * Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
 * [Titus frowns and feels his forehead]

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 * Ken Titus: Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels!
 * Nicky: Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!
 * Ken Titus: Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?

Hot Streak [3.14]

 * Erin: You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.
 * Titus: [confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?

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 * [Ken goes bust at the blackjack table.]
 * Ken: Damn it! The wussy must be here!

After Mrs. Shafter [3.17]

 * [Tommy's gay father, Perry, shows up.]
 * Ken: Shouldn't you be out there dancing with the construction worker, the cop, and the Indian?

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 * (Tommy is threatening to stab Ken with a knife)
 * Titus: Tommy, I get it. I remember the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife. Welcome to the family. (to Ken): You got this.
 * Ken: Yeah.
 * (scene flips to Ken threatening to stab Tommy)
 * Titus: And that's what happened the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife.

Insanity Genetic(1) [3.19]

 * Titus: Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?
 * Titus/Ken: Did she take anyone else out with her?

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 * Stewardess: Sir, were you smoking in the bathroom?
 * Ken: [through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."

Insanity Genetic(2) [3.20]

 * [The FBI believes that the Titus family to be a terrorist group.]
 * Erin: We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.
 * [straight cut to Titus]
 * Titus: Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.

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 * Titus: If you asked them to kill Gerald Ford, only two of them would do it.
 * [cut to Dave]
 * Dave: So, he wants Ford dead...

The Protector [3.21]

 * [A boy at school has been harassing Erin's niece Amy.]
 * Titus: I hate bullies!
 * Tommy: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
 * Titus: What's your point?