Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

Imagine what would happen if Luna Lovegood Skippy went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Inspired by the antics of the infamous Skippy and the equally infamous Mister Welch, several different sets of Internet denizens took it upon themselves to generate useful guidelines for proper student behavior at the premiere institution for Magical education in the British Isles. At least three such lists exist, and probably more; they most commonly number around 150 rules of thumb, instructions and exhortations to the young spellcaster of... less than normal mindset.

Since there is no single definitive set of Things Not Allowed At Hogwarts, All The Tropes has, as a public service, selected one of these lists and leavened it with items cherrypicked carefully gleaned from its compatriots, and has presented the assembled wisdom here for your enjoyment. Naturally, opinions may vary as to what the best items of any of the lists actually are, so tropers should feel free to poach add their own favorites to the list below.

The List

 * I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".
 * Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
 * Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
 * I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort.
 * Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".
 * I will not teach the first years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".
 * I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
 * I shall not give Professor Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.
 * It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.
 * It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
 * It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
 * I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
 * I am not a Pinball Wizard.
 * I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
 * I will not ask Voldemort why Harry Potter got a lightning bolt on his head instead of a flaming skull.
 * Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.
 * I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as "Blossom," "Buttercup," and "Bubbles."
 * I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".
 * "Potter 6, Voldemort 0", is not a valid T-shirt slogan.
 * I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute.
 * Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.
 * Telling Luna Lovegood that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a documentary is an unkind thing to do.
 * If Professor Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
 * The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.
 * I will never ask Harry if his "scar sense" is tingling.
 * Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.
 * Sirius Black is not #24601.
 * Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
 * I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine".
 * Tricking the school house-elves into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Pwned!"
 * "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
 * I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
 * Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
 * Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
 * There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year.
 * I am not to owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
 * I am not Xena, Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.
 * I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
 * I shall not aim an angry dragon at the Whomping Willow and take bets on which comes out the victor.
 * I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
 * I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".
 * I will not call the DADA teacher "Kenny", even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
 * House-elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
 * First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
 * I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
 * I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
 * I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.
 * I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
 * I will not scare the First Years with wild tales of an omniscient Author who controls our destinies.
 * It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate.
 * It is not necessary to yell "Burn!" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.
 * If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It Does DEATH!!!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer.
 * Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
 * Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
 * Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.
 * I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be.
 * I do not have a Dalek Patronus.
 * I will not teach the house-elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
 * I will not wear my "DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!" shirt to school.
 * I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
 * I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
 * I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
 * I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror".
 * I will not yell "Believe it... or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.
 * I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.
 * I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a Room" whenever they start to fight.
 * Sir Cadogan is not one of the Knights Who Say Ni.
 * I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni" from various directions.
 * I will not encourage first years to befriend the Whomping Willow.
 * I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
 * I will not tell first years that "Moon Prism Power" is a basic Transfiguration spell.
 * "Moon Tiara Magic" is not a proper spell, either.
 * I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
 * The proper response to any question from Professor Snape is never "Yippy Ki Yay, Motherfucker!"
 * I will not detonate Squibs.
 * Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
 * "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
 * I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
 * I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
 * I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
 * Springtime for Voldemort is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
 * When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!"
 * Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
 * Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
 * I will not change the password to the prefect's bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
 * I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate itself every half-hour.
 * I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.
 * If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to cast it.
 * I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
 * I will not lick Trevor.
 * I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.
 * It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."
 * Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".
 * Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
 * I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they are real animals.
 * I will not write down the animals Luna Lovegood talks about and try to sell the descriptions to the Pokémon people.
 * Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
 * I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
 * I will not place anything by Silver RavenWolf on the library shelves.
 * I will not claim Chick tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.
 * I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".
 * I will not claim there is a prequel to "Hogwarts: A History" that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
 * It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the result would be.
 * I am not a sloth Animagus.
 * I am not a tribble Animagus.
 * I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
 * I am not being repressed.
 * I will not greet visitors to Hogwarts from the battlements using an outrageous French accent.
 * I will not pluck feathers from Fawkes.
 * I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
 * I will not go to class skyclad.
 * I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.
 * I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.
 * I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
 * I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"
 * I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.
 * I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common room.
 * I will not transfigure Ron Weasly into a levitating snake.
 * I will not draw an "H" on Percy Weasley's forehead.
 * I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
 * I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.
 * I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.
 * I will not bring a Magic 8-Ball to Divination class.
 * I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast to Coast AM transcripts.
 * I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.
 * I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
 * I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore."
 * I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.
 * I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom.
 * I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
 * I will not ask any centaur about his/her mating habits.
 * The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
 * The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror".
 * Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is purely coincidental.
 * "OMGWTF" is not a spell.
 * When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for".
 * Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.
 * I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.
 * Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
 * My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
 * My name is not Captain Subtext.
 * Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey".
 * I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
 * I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
 * I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
 * I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin" day.
 * I am not allowed to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear half a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd-Webber.
 * I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.
 * I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
 * I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as "Tim the Enchanter".
 * I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.
 * I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand.
 * I am not allowed to paint the house-elves blue.
 * I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.
 * I am not allowed to set up a first year on a blind date with Moaning Mrytle.
 * I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
 * I am not allowed to try attacks from Sailor Moon to see if they work since I am in a more magical environment.
 * I will be held responsible for any damage I cause.
 * I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
 * I am not allowed to yell "Honey FLASH!" when Tonks morphs.
 * I am not allowed to hire Aragog's children to spell out "Some Pig" in spiderweb over anyone's bed.
 * Not even Pansy Parkinson.
 * A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.
 * A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
 * "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.
 * I shall not refer to Draco Malfoy as a "cuddle-monkey".
 * I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
 * I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder".
 * Despite rumors to the contrary, upon fulfilling the prophecy, Harry Potter does not plan to go to Disneyworld.
 * I will stop spreading those rumors.
 * If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.
 * I will not assassinate the current DADA teacher to get it over with.
 * Teaching First Years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret!" whenever they hear the name "Draco Malfoy" is just wrong.
 * Funny, but wrong.
 * There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.
 * There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
 * There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
 * I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
 * I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.
 * If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.
 * I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
 * "42" is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s.
 * "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
 * I shall not throw Professor Snape down on the floor and have my way with him.
 * I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.
 * I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.
 * Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
 * The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
 * I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
 * The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.
 * No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
 * The Ravenclaws are not "Mentats in training".
 * Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".
 * "Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
 * Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points.
 * I will not tell Wormtail that his silver hand looks "groovy", nor will I encourage him to replace it with a Muggle chainsaw.
 * The Slytherin house badge has nothing to do with the AURYN.
 * I am not one of the 110 types of Rhinovirus Animagus; even if I were, it would be cheating to win a Wizard's Duel by transforming.
 * Doctor Mordrid is not an educational film.
 * I will not attempt to repel Dementors by coating myself in chocolate body paint.
 * I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new professors are introduced.
 * Chocolate frogs do not come in "crunchy".
 * I will not set up a blind date between Dumbledore and that Nimue chick.
 * I will not tell any Weasley that porn is "hilarious", nor will I insist that it is "crucial".
 * No matter how badly she botched that potion, I shall not refer to Hermione as "Pussy Galore".
 * The Necronomicon Ex Mortuus is not the wizardly version of the Kama Sutra.
 * No spitting in the Pensieve.
 * GG Allin is not the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
 * No one is bogarting my mandrake, dude.
 * I will stop pestering Professor Flitwick about ioun stones, Prismatic Spray, and any type of fireballs.
 * No, that is not the main ingredient in Pixie Stix, and I am not to imply that it is so.
 * R'lyeh is not located under the Lake.
 * "Blast-ended skrewt" is not synonomous with crayfish/crawdad/mudbug/freshwater lobster, and I am not to suggest so to the house-elves when they have gumbo on the menu.
 * That glowing green potion I mixed up does not re-animate the dead.
 * I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Professor Lupin's office door.
 * "Dead Man's Party" is a kickass song but probably not appropriate for a Deathday celebration. Ditto "No One Lives Forever".
 * Hermione, Luna and Ginny are not my Angels.
 * Sufficently advanced technology is not indistinguishable from magic.
 * I will not address Hagrid as "Groundskeeper Willie".
 * I will not ask Firenze if he can get me Mr. Ed's autograph.
 * Further, I will keep all "hung like a horse" jokes to myself in Diviniation class.
 * Puzzleboxes are to be solved on my own time.
 * I will not teach the veela the lyrics to "Oops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.
 * Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes, or give you x-ray vision, is not permitted.
 * Asking Professor Flitwick where Snow White is is not permitted.
 * I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes to bright purple (or any bright color for that matter).
 * Mail order dinosaurs are not good birthday presents for Hagrid.
 * No matter how much of a discount you get on them.
 * "Quidditch Players Do It in the Air" broom stickers are not allowed.
 * Shaving Mrs. Norris is not a public service.
 * I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."
 * Madam Pomfrey does not dispense condoms.
 * Do not ask Professor Sinistra to show you "Uranus".
 * I will not write "Hermione Granger was here" on multiple library books, thereby getting her banned from the library.
 * Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is not Yoda in disguise.
 * Telling the first years about the time your friend got eaten by the giant squid is not appropriate. Ever.
 * Stealing Draco's underwear and selling it on Ebay to horny fangirls is not ethical, nor profitable. (Note to self: Steal Potter's underwear instead.)
 * I will not refer to Ron Weasley as "that red-headed twit" in polite company (impolite company is just fine).
 * The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity.
 * Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong.
 * Making Draco Malfoy pay double for them is also wrong.
 * I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain members of the faculty.
 * Writing sexy love letters to Professor Dumbledore signed by "Your Kitten", is not a ethical means to skip Transfiguration class (though it is effective).
 * Having Colin and Dennis Creevy follow Harry Potter all day is cruel and unusual punishment.
 * I will not sell pennies as priceless, Muggle collector coins.
 * I will not spread rumors about Draco's deviant sexuality.
 * Naughty jokes regarding "Moaning" Myrtle are only funny the first time.
 * Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potions class will not get me extra points.
 * Screaming "VOLDEMORT!" in crowded hallways is not in good taste.
 * And lastly, I will not use a time turner to go into the past and seduce my father, thereby ceasing to exist, which means I could not have gone into the past and seduced my father, which means I do exist, which means I can go back and . . . oh, nevermind.