Berserk Button/Real Life

According to psychologists, everyone has a "red button" that acts like this. It's actually intended as a defense mechanism that tries to avert a bad situation by evoking a deep unpleasant memory; it can be pressed by varying circumstances according to the person, it can be being ignored, slighted, rejected, made fun of, abused... etc. Once pressed it automatically overrides reason and effectively transforms the person.

General

 * Don't insult a person's home country or family/parent/sibling.
 * Speaking anything religious or anything that rejects the existence of God(s) is instant Flame Bait to some atheists and theists respectively.
 * This also goes for members of different religions. Anything supportive of Christianity is likely to be a Berserk Button for observant Jews and Muslims, for example. Depending on where you are, supporting the wrong religion might actually get you killed.
 * And that doesn't just mean by the general public either. In some places, it is the law.
 * Taking/touching/eating/jeering someone's favourite food/toy/team/etc tends to be a big no-no.
 * And especially, taking/hurting someone's significant other. Pressing a bunch of Berserk Buttons at the same time is bad enough. Doing it while triggering his/her protection instincts is a death wish. See William Wallace entry below for an example of this in action.
 * Also if someone has a celebrity crush. Dont talk shit about that celebrity; they might just get very dangerous on your ass. (And don't think this only applies to teenage girls.)
 * Likewise, never insult or threaten someone's children.
 * Don't even think about doing it to their niece or nephew either. You have no chance against two mama bears and papa wolves.
 * Don't wake up someone who's sleeping without good reason.
 * Don't make fun of a person's name.
 * Don't judge or make fun of a person's sexual orientation.
 * Don't joke about someone's death, no matter how much you disliked the person.
 * Dont say Nigger/ Nigga in front of Black people unless you are youself Black.

Celebrities
"Anderson Cooper: You don't think he was sincere in his beliefs?
 * It is forbidden to say anything bad about Christopher Nolan on any board that has a significant Geek population. For he is the savior of cinema and is beyond criticism. He is the only current day movie maker who consistently receives this treatment.
 * The Atheist Experience will happily debate any theist who calls in...but if Jeff Dee is hosting that week, DO NOT threaten him with Hell, unless you're willing to listen to a long, loud rant about how inherently unjust Hell is.
 * Jim Rome, in full Jerkass mode, kept calling quarterback Jim Everett "Chris" (after Chris Evert, the female tennis player). Everett attacked Rome by pushing him off his chair. This is believed by some to have been a hoax.
 * Don't tell him that you like soccer... even if he is being a complete Jerkass (which he often is) to soccer, or you'll hear a lot of ranting of you, the sport, and its fans that even makes the biggest soccer critics scratch their heads.
 * Apparently, insulting Zinedine Zidane's sister may result in serious chest pain.
 * Don't tell Buzz Aldrin he didn't land on the moon, but especially don't call him a coward and a liar!
 * NEVER call Russell Tavares AKA PyroDice a nerd.
 * A good way for an actor to piss off a director is to come to work unprepared (not memorizing lines, choreography, etc).
 * Don't mention Vince Offer around Billy Mays, ESPECIALLY since the latter shed his mortal shell and ascended to the Pantheon.
 * Patton Oswalt is a very funny comedian and a very nice man. Do not call him a Sad Clown. EVER. Do not even insinuate that one of his fellow comedians is a Sad Clown. You will be verbally castrated.
 * Or for that matter rip off his material. If you thought Joe Rogan was cruel to Carlos Mencia...
 * Talk about Mister Rogers with anything other than the utmost respect or the gentlest of send-ups and prepare to have the entire Internet rip you to shreds.
 * A guy once pushed George Carlin's berserk button during a show and received a pretty harsh verbal beatdown for it.
 * Never mention Uwe Boll around Hideo Kojima. It was funny the first time, but it's best not to risk a second strike.
 * Or say that Uwe Boll's movies suck to anybody in his fan club or even better say it to his face, he will more likely than not flat out punch you in the face.
 * Cillian Murphy's has been rumoured to be people pronouncing his name "silly 'un".
 * According to the pop-up track on the Fargo DVD, Steve Buscemi finds the constant--in fact, ubiquitous--mispronunciation of his name as boo-SHIM-ee a source of neverending annoyance. (It's pronounced boo-SIM-ee; just ignore the C.)
 * On one episode of Americas Got Talent, a contestant decided to insult Ozzy Osbourne to Sharon's face. Let's just say, she made her aggravation with his comments quite clear.
 * Christopher Hitchens' was people praising Jerry Falwell.

Hitchens: Well of course not. He woke up every morning, pinching his chubby little flanks and saying: "I've gotten away with it again.""

"Hannity: Well, Jerry Falwell was a close personal friend of mine, and I'll miss him.
 * Sean Hannity's is people slagging off Jerry Falwell. Watching him and Hitchens meet is a very worthwhile experience.

Hitchens: If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox."


 * There are several films that it's most definitely not cool to mention in the presence of Harry Knowles, but probably the biggest example is the 30th Anniversary Edition of Night of the Living Dead. Even to this day, saying anything positive about it is grounds for an instant and permanent ban from the "Ain't It Cool News" website.
 * Don't stand in Mr. Bale's light. (Link is NSFW.)
 * Justin Lee Collins, who did a TV show with Steven Seagal, told Radio 1's Chris Moyles that there are four words you should NEVER say to him - "Jean - Claude - Van - Damme."
 * It may not be a good idea to draw comparisons between Lindsay Lohan and Hayden Panettiere if you are lucky enough to be in the presence of the latter.
 * Never mention Brett Favre's time with the Vikings to a Green Bay Packers fan.
 * Don't call any of the Backstreet Boys (except Kevin Richardson) a "former" member in front of a Backstreet Boys fan. Or credit an *NSYNC song to them (or vice versa). Or say the two groups sound the same. Or ask if Justin Timberlake was in the group. (The last three also apply to *NSYNC fans.)
 * Don't ask Chris Brown about Rihanna.
 * Apparently, don't mention The Day the Clown Cried to Jerry Lewis. Even though he doesn't mind mentioning it in his books, interviewers are told not to in interviews. Some guy made this mistake when he was giving a motivational speech in 2011, asking if it'd ever come out. Jerry's response: "None of your Goddamn business!"
 * Do NOT, under any circumstances, joke about Phil Hartman's murder in the presence of Jon Lovitz. Andy Dick found this out the hard way when he did this, and in response Lovitz "picked [him] up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose."
 * This may be less a case of a pure Berserk Button and more of a personal thing: Lovitz held Dick responsible for Phil Hartman's death, saying that Dick introduced Hartman's wife to drugs, which exacerbated her existing emotional problems, which led to the murder-suicide. When Lovitz joined the cast of News Radio after Hartman's death, he reportedly said to Dick, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."
 * For a very long time, it didn't seem like Sam Champion was even capable of getting angry, but the BP oil spill was enough to really piss him off.
 * Try not to bump Juan Pablo Montoya, or else.
 * Don't EVER bring Leo Laporte's integrity into question. Mike Arrington found out the hard way.
 * Don't mention Frank Sinatra's cover of "Mrs. Robinson" to Paul Simon.
 * Do NOT. Be calling Julia Roberts. A cougar.
 * Try and suggest that the pyramids/Sphinx/whatever in Egypt was built by aliens or Atlanteans to Dr. Zahi Hawass. Results are guaranteed to be entertaining, if you're the sort who likes seeing someone being verbally ripped a new one by an Egyptian archeologist.
 * Given that she doesn't like something about any of its titles, The Thorn is Bette Midler's Berserk Button (and an Old Shame), and the best way to press it is to even attempt a release of the film, under any title. Go ahead, try to create a new title for it that hadn't been used by a previous distributor. She'll sue your ass off for putting it on the market.
 * Do not ask Harlan Ellison where all those jelly beans in "Repent, Harlequin!" Said the Ticktockman came from.
 * If you attempt criticize ABBA even just once, you should expect some  sharp responses the minute it’s posted, especially from Australia, where  they were popular enough to point they have cover-bands based in the land down under.

Cultural and Geographical

 * Any case of You Fail Geography Forever or Global Ignorance will cause this:
 * Never call a New Zealander an Australian. Or vice versa. Don't call either of them British, either!
 * Just don't bring up the subject of whether someone from Northern Ireland is British or Irish. The laws of Narrative Causality mean you will always call them the wrong thing and become subject to some really interesting punishments.
 * Don't say "shrimp on the barbie" too or tell an Australian that the capital is Sydney unless you think wearing your skin inside out sounds fun.
 * China ≠ Japan. Calling a Chinese person Japanese or vice versa will get you completely eviscerated, given their history together.
 * Which is the real China? The Republic or the People's Republic? Some Taiwanese folks will also take offense when told that Taiwan is a part of China. To make this worse, some Chinese people will take offense when told that it is not. To further confuse things: there are technically SIX economically distinct Chinas. China, Taiwan, Singapore, Hong Kong, Macau, and Shanghai.
 * North Korea ≠ South Korea
 * Also, there is only ONE Korea. In the South it's not that big a deal, but in the North, guess which one is the real Korea...
 * Indian ≠ Pakistani. REMEMBER THIS ONE!
 * Never call a Canadian an American. The results aren't usually as bad as other examples, but depending on who you're talking to... The state of Vermont, besides being its own state and not part of another state, is not part of Canada. Please stop asking if it is.
 * Ironically, never use the word American in front of a Latin American to refer to something from the USA. They usually start to argue over the name of the continent of the same name and bash the country. The word for "American" in our general sense is "estadounidense," not just "americano."
 * Never call an Irishman British.
 * Never call a Welsh or a Scot English.
 * Ask a Yorkshireman what part of Lancashire he's from- I dare you.
 * Thinking Norway is the capital of Sweden in the presence of Norwegians is not advisable.
 * Mistaking Sweden for a part of the USSR was generally a bad idea as well.
 * Never call a Hungarian that lives in Romania a Romanian. Also probably true in every case when one country occupied a part of another.
 * Don't call a Ukrainian a Russian. They really do not like that.
 * Don't say by mistake Budapest instead of Bucharest and vice versa.
 * Don't call the Romanians Gypsies or comrades and don't try to communicate with them in Russian.
 * Due to the one-sided nature of the 'special relationship', the UK's involvement in the Iraq war, the British government's decision to snuggle up to America isn't especially popular amongst the general population. So, if you pass comment about how 'Britain is America,' there will be trouble: The only question is as to whether you'll have committed suicide or merely invoked an angry political rant or flame war.
 * In the U.S.,
 * Southerner ≠ Hick, Racist, or Stupid.
 * And for that matter, never insinuate that West Virginians are inbred.
 * Also, Southerners get very touchy over being called "Yankees" by non-Americans.
 * Don't say West Virginia is part of Virginia, either.
 * Also don't say Kentucky is part of Virginia.
 * Kentucky wishes to remind you that although Colonel Sanders decided to patent his recipe here we give zero shits about KFC. Seriously, we're tired of hearing about it.
 * Kentucky also wishes to remind you that we love hearing about how we're all hicks who have no teeth and practice incest. These jokes are always delightfully refreshing to hear.
 * Never confuse with the other Washington unless you want a hot coffee in the face.
 * NEVER say to someone from Illinois that you think their state's name is pronounced "Illinoise." And if they're from Springfield, you will unleash a towering fury if you tell them you always thought Chicago was the state capital.
 * Africa isn't a country. Stop saying it.
 * It would probably not be the brightest of ideas to refer to a Sri Lankan as Indian.
 * It really annoys people from the Dominican Republic when you mistake them for Mexican, or Cuban, or Puerto Rican. But NEVER call a Dominican person Haitian. They will beat the crap out of you with either a plantain or their shoe.
 * Also be careful about calling a Puerto Rican an American. The response is completely unpredictable, and can range anywhere from joy to nothing to Unstoppable Rage.
 * It's generally a bad idea to call someone of Hispanic heritage a Mexican.
 * Tell a Spaniard that he's Hispanic and/or a Mexican. Or that they are lazy. Or that their dubbing sucks.
 * Latin and South America is a minefield.
 * Don't compare Brazil to Portugal.
 * Assuming that a random Italian is involved with and/or supports The Mafia will get you punched in the face real hard.
 * Also, Italy has 20 different regions. Believe it or not, not everyone is from Tuscany, Rome, Sicily or Naples.
 * Never, ever call Turks "Asians" or "Arabs." Just don't.
 * Never, ever call Iranians/Persians "Arabs" unless you want to feel the brunt of a wrath not felt since Darius invaded Egypt.
 * Never call Finns "Scandinavian". Swedes, Norwegians and Danes are Scandinavian. Finns are Nordic.
 * Calling an Estonian, a Latvian or a Lithuanian a "Russkie" or "Comrade" or any variation thereof is probably not the best of ideas.
 * Don't say that Palestine is really part of Israel, or the other way around, depending on which side of the Arab Israeli Conflict you're talking to. Or worse, that Palestinian is an invented nationality.
 * Not everyone from "New York" is from or lives in the city. There is, in fact, a state attached to said city.
 * Do NOT mock Filipinos or their homeland or portray them in a bad light in front of the whole world regardless of truth in your statements, or else prepare to eat a MOTHERFUCKING SHITSTORM OF LOYALTY.
 * Never praise Fidel Castro or Che Guevara in front of a Cuban-American. Most of them will make you suffer for it. Even the old ladies.
 * Ditto for praising Ho Chi-Minh in any Little Saigon anywhere in America (displaying the current Vietnamese flag is also not a good idea, since most Vietnamese-Americans tend to prefer the non-communist flag of South Vietnam). In fact, this holds true for American refugees of most current and former communist dictatorships.
 * In fact, praising dictators in general is rather a bad move.
 * Never call any particularly patriotic Guernseyman (someone from the island of Guernsey off the coast of Normandy) British or English. Also, should you imply that the massive fish stock depletion by English trawlers is in any way justified or a small problem, then expect to be crucified on the mast adorning the roundabout in the center of town. For those out of the loop in fishing, English trawlers have caused large swathes of Guernsey waterspace to become depleted of fish stock, and forecasts predict that it will take five years without human interference to repair the damage done in a single season. Guernsey is now primarily a finance market, but the majority of fishermen (and it remains one of the largest primary sector industries on the island along with the dairy) are born and bred Guernseymen and are rather pragmatic about anything interrupting their work, e.g. one who has stated that any Greenpeace/PETA/etc boarding his boat will be at the very least thrown overboard, depending on what he has to hand.
 * Never call a German a Nazi. Or deny the Holocaust. Or wear a swastika in public. Or recite something out of Mein Kampf. Do anything that makes them look like they're still Nazis, and they'll hate you forever and pretend they never liked you. They get VERY pissed, and rightly so.
 * Not only Germans, Austrians get pissed too. In both countries, if you ever draw/use/wear a swastika, you may even be risking jail time.
 * Also, never suggest they don't regret their past. In general, this is a bad idea in every country: They either don't acknowledge their atrocities at all and thus consider it unnecessary to regret them, or they acknowledge them and give their best to atone for them.
 * Do not tell a Georgian that the Georgian language is (or is related to) Russian. Same about Georgian people being (or being related to) Russians. It is quite unnerving for them when you say it.
 * Don't call Dutch people Deutsch and hereby imply they're German. Don't ask why it's called Dutch if you live in The Netherlands, because these definitions are in English and not the Dutch language.
 * Holland only consists of two out of twelve Dutch provinces. Depending on who you speak to, insisting the whole country is called Holland is not a good idea.
 * While being a child molester/abuser is bound to be a Berserk Button for most people worldwide, in Jamaica it's a health hazard. If you're even remotely suspected of having touched a child inappropriately, or worse, having killed a child, you'd better pray that the police catch you before the local residents do. At least with the police, you'll get a chance to have your day in court.
 * In fact, this is one of the greatest Berserk Buttons in almost any English-speaking country. While in many countries you can be arrested and jailed, if you're a paedophile in any country who speaks English, not only you will be arrested and jailed, the entire society will make you pay until the day you die.
 * In England the media whipping up a moral panic about paedophiles led to mass lynchings on suspected paedophiles and innocents who the inhabitants didn't like- at least one man was killed.
 * It's also never wise to question a Jamaican man's sexuality. In fact, in Jamaica, calling a man a "battyman" (the Jamaican equivalent of "faggot") is one of the easiest ways to invite an ass-kicking.
 * Likewise, never tell a Jamaican man to go "do things" to his parents, especially if it's his mother. Because Even Bad Men Love Their Mamas.
 * This is also true of Italian men. Insult them personally and they are likely to just tell you to piss off and ignore you. But if you even so much as hint at saying something derogatory about their mothers, prepare to have them get right in your face and cave it in. In some regions of Italy this is a literal Berserk Button which can have fatal consequences - Sicily and the Naples area have a history of people winding up six feet under because they insulted someone's mother and caused them to fly into an insane rage and beat them to death with their bare hands.
 * Farmers in Jamaica's rural districts do not take kindly to praedial larceny. Many a would-be goat or cow thief has gotten beaten and chopped en masse for his trouble.
 * Politics in Jamaica is Serious Business for most people. There are two major parties, the currently-ruling Jamaica Labour Party and the opposition People's National Party (any other political parties do not count for much in the public psyche). Defending or supporting one party is bound to earn you hate from the other's rabid Fan Dumb.
 * Expanding on this, the JLP's signature color is green, while the PNP's is orange. Therefore, spray-painting political slogans of either color in the opposite party's territory is strongly ill-advised.
 * If you are in the Republic of Ireland and make reference to this city be sure to call it "Derry." Calling it "Londonderry" is the same thing as waving a Union Jack around, and if the person you're talking to happens to have strong political beliefs, you may end up with a bad name for yourself. Most Irish people won't mind (though it will annoy them), but it's best to be on the safe side.
 * "Anglo" does not mean "white."
 * Related: "African-American" does not mean "black."
 * Another one: "Spic" does not mean "Hispanic" (and is also very offensive).
 * Mistaking the Italian language for the Spanish Language and vice versa is terribly annoying for many Italian/Spanish speakers, no matter how similar the languages actually are.
 * Same thing with Portuguese.
 * Don't raise only your middle and index finger while keeping your palm to yourself in the presence of an English person. That's the equivalent of giving them the middle finger only, and they don't like it at all. Don't raise you little finger and your index finger keeping your palm inward in Spain. It's the same thing.
 * Any variation on "Why is there a BLACK Entertainment Television but not a WHITE Entertainment Television?"
 * It's probably not a good idea to yell "Heil Hitler!" at a Jew from Israel who supports national health care. Or mock him for complaining about an $8,000 hospital bill. While wearing an Israeli Defense Force t-shirt.
 * It's a pretty bad idea if you're talking to ANY Jewish person. Comparing anyone to Hitler is, for good reason, considered a grave insult.
 * Sorbians don't like it at ALL when people claim Krabat is a Young Adult novel by the German author Ottfried Preussler and nothing else. It's also not advisable to claim it is a German folk tale. In fact it is a Sorbian folk tale. One of the most known (that's why Preussler got the idea writing it into a novel - on the other hand the novel made the tale more known - well, at least the chopped version of it).
 * Don't ever tell a New Yorker that you like Papa John's or Domino's Pizza, at all. If you are lucky you will only be given a well deserved verbal beat-down.
 * And Lord help you if you don't observe proper pizza eating etiquette. Jon Stewart has a very good example on the subject.
 * Do not praise either side of the Arab Israeli Conflict in front of the opposing side. You will enter a no man's land.
 * Non-Native Americans, do not wear anything resembling a Native American warbonnet or headdress in front of an actual Native American.
 * In fact, just don't do it at all - because some non-natives also know how disrespectful it is, even if you don't, and some will call you on it.
 * Do not call Austrian Minister of Finance Maria Fekter "Mitzi". Unless you want to be subjected to her gaze of death or worse.
 * Don't spell "colour" as "color" infront of an Englishman. The same goes for flavour, honour, neighbour, rumour, labour, humour, etc.
 * You should generally be careful when making fun of stereotypes (depending on the sort of persons you are with), but most especially when said stereotypes have little basis in reality. See here.
 * If you want to go to Mexico:
 * If you speak Spanish, never write the name of the country with "J" (Mejico) instead of "X" (Mexico). Not only this is incorrect in Mexico, you will be called out for this, especially if you're from Spain. (since they normally spell Mexico with J rather with X)
 * Never use the word chilango (a pejorative term for someone from Mexico City) to anyone outside Mexico City, especially in the Northern states, if you value your life.
 * Do not insult in English against a Mexican. Mexico have a border with the U.S. and many Mexicans can speak or understand English and you can be insulted in English too.
 * Don't call a Mexican a NiNi, unless you want to pick a fight against one. "Nini" is a shortened version of "ni estudian ni trabajan", which refers to people who don't study or work.
 * When referring to someone from the Dominican Republic, you are only supposed to say "Dominican," not "Dominican Republican." It's a minor mistake, but it drives some Dominicans crazy.
 * Do not make a show of support for any major league sports team that isn't the Phillies, the Flyers, the Sixers, or the Eagles in Philadelphia. Just don't. Similarly, a cheesesteak is made with provolone cheese, not Cheez Whiz. Acceptable toppings are limited to caramelized onions and sweet peppers. You will be derided as a tourist if you attempt to alter it beyond that. In that vein, it's pronounced "wooder" ice.

Games and Sports

 * British people get very touchy when they hear someone call Soccer instead of Football. Bring up the fact that Soccer had originated in the UK, (no really, it's true), and you will see a lot of denial.
 * Speaking of soccer, do you want to gain a massive Hatedom or start a massive Flame War? Just simply say you prefer American Football over Soccer (either politely or bluntly For Massive Damage), and watch what seems to be the entire internet try and hunt you down.
 * Actually, South Koreans call it soccer as well and it's a very popular sport over there.
 * One exception to the berserk button where the sport is popular is South Africa. Officially, it's referred to as football, but the term soccer is also of popular usage there, and its largest stadium is in fact called Soccer City.
 * Tabletop gaming fans are infamous for this. Whenever a new D&D edition is released, the new version is always some dumbed down kiddie version of the game, a blatant attempt to milk gamers for more cash, or in some other way Ruined FOREVER, and hesitantly mentioning ANY positive aspect of it will get you shot. Both sides will unite if anyone should ever DARE to suggest playing a game that isn't based on the d20 system. Then there's the Games Workshop community. Most local clubs have a friendly mix of Fantasy, 40K, and LOTR players and most play two or even all three games, but go on the internet, and there will be flame wars between the different sections of message boards and further subdivisions among the players of the same game based on what race is the best or needs fixing and 'fluff' vs. 'power' players. And that just scratches the surface. Once you've got tabletop vs. LARP, LARP vs. boffer LARP, RPG vs. strategy, minis vs. pure narrative, face to face vs. play by post, house rules, magic vs. psionics, genre wars, and on and on and on, attempting to navigate the world of tabletop gaming without getting stabbed is like trying to go swimming without getting wet.
 * And best to avoid implying all RPGs are D&D.
 * Don't try suggesting that D&D is Satanic in nature, either.
 * There are a lot of circles in which it's unwise to mention that you're a Yankees fan. Actually, you're in mortal danger if you mention the "wrong" sports team positively in a lot of places.
 * Also, using the term "choke" to an unlucky athlete/team (and at times, its supporters). It can get nasty.
 * If you’re fighting a local fan of sport team in a stadium and you’re a fan of the rival team, expect a practice known as stadium justice since security guards would often come to the rescue of the hometown fan… NOT YOU.

Historical
"Patton (the movie version): They're ivory. Only a pimp from a cheap New Orleans whorehouse would carry a pearl-handled pistol."
 * Audie Murphy had a rather famous Berserk Button -- having his best friend killed by German soldiers who pretended to surrender. He Hulked out, killed them all (and they were armed with machine guns), then used their weaponry to kill every baddie in a 100-yard radius, including two more machine gun nests and a bunch of snipers. Yeah, don't make him mad.
 * William Wallace's Berserk Button is widely reported to have been the murder of his wife. Kill his wife and he will become a walking machine of death and destruction against England.
 * NEVER EVER insult the men of the Edmund Fitzgerald in ANY of the steel cities on the Great Lakes. You will be killed and the police won't look too hard for you. In case you were wondering, it was an iron ore cargo ship that went down with all 29 crew members on November 10, 1975.
 * Minneapolis radio personality T.D. Mischke learned the hard way. After replaying an interview he did with an Edmund Fitzgerald expert, where Mischke sang all his questions to the tune of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, and the interviewee acting like there's nothing unusual going on (which is what makes it funny), a man who purported to be the twin brother of one of the men on the Fitzgerald threatened to crack Mischke's head open if he ever saw him. The man also said he was going to run Mishke's kids over with an 18-wheeler! Listen here.
 * Andrew Jackson is well known as America's most ridiculously violent president... and a lot of those duels and fights, and threats of duels and fights, were over insults to his wife. He'd become involved with her while she was still married to someone else (her first husband deceived her about the divorce), and she was the subject of a lot of scandalous gossip. Jackson couldn't stand it. That guy he killed? Yeah, that was over her.
 * Never insinuate that Liverpool fans were responsible for the Hillsborough disaster. Do it in print, and you'll get a whole city boycotting you. Do it on the air, and they'll get your sponsors to withdraw and eventually force you off the air. No joke.
 * Er... Whoops!
 * And whatever you do, should you be a player, do not screw around during a Hillsborough memorial under any circumstances or you will find yourself on the transfer list.
 * Don't insult the disaster at all. Otherwise most football fans, regardless of the club they support will be pretty pissed off.
 * Don't mention General William Tecumseh Sherman or the March to the Sea anywhere in Georgia unless you really like getting screamed at, or are standing in Savannah, Georgia (which surrendered without a shot being fired, and as a result was left unburned by the northern troops) where the General is a little better received.
 * George S. Patton really hated it whenever people mistook his ivory-handle revolvers for pearl-handles.

"Question: The historian Alan Sked was quite harsh on the Blessed Emperor Karl in his The Decline and Fall of the Habsburg Empire, 1815-1918. Dr. Sked claims war to have been a Habsburg habit, and he attacks the last Emperor for not even thanking the soldiers when leaving his throne. What is the Archduke’s response to this?
 * If you value your life, and happen to be in Nomandy c. 1066, do NOT call William the Conqueror "William the Bastard," or refer to his maternal grandfather's occupation (he was a tanner) anywhere near earshot of him. He will kill you in many slow, painful, and humiliating ways.
 * Julius Caesar was known for being open about his sexual conquests (during his triumphs, his troops sang ribald songs that amounted to "lock up your daughters and your sons -- Caesar's in town and his tackle's out!"). However, people who brought up the subject of rumors that he was "the woman" in an affair with the King of Bythnia were not treated warmly...
 * Mention the Tuck Rule to any Oakland Raiders fan. Let's just say you don't wanna be around when these guys get riled up. The reason being, the Tuck Rule unfairly cost the Raiders a shot at the Super Bowl.
 * The above also applies to the Immaculate Reception.
 * Dr. Otto von Habsburg, like his dynasty in general, is an amiable person. But if one were to insult his father and/or defame the Pope in front of his face, God help you.
 * When Ian Paisley did exactly that to John Paul II, he got his reply straight. And he was well into his 70s at the time.
 * Case in point, this bit from an interview:

Reply: NONSENSE!!"


 * In the 2010 Manila hostage crisis, the Manila Police did a "great" job for arresting the perpetrator's brother who tried to negotiate with him. If the police hadn't done that, it's a lot less likely the perpetrator would have gone berserk, causing unnecessary casualties.
 * And for that, the term SWAT has a number of assorted meanings in the Philippines which could become berserk buttons for rabid fans of law enforcement: Sorry We Ain't Trained or Sorry We Are Trash. And not only that. Some unscrupulous tourists and policemen took a picture of the crime scene the day after the crime, triggering the Chinese Berserk Button.
 * Genghis Khan believed that messengers and envoys had the right to safety when in a foreign place. This was a time period where it was quite common to maim, torture, and execute these folks just for bringing messages of peace. If you did this to Genghis Khan's envoys, though, heaven help you. Heaven help your entire country, for that matter.
 * Don't mention Jane Fonda within earshot of a Vietnam veteran. Or in earshot of someone whose father was a Vietnam veteran.
 * Don't mention that you thought U.S. shouldn't have been involved in Vietnam to a vet who supported the war, either.
 * General Philip Sheridan will take your guns if you spill his drink.
 * Never, within earshot of an Apollo astronaut, state or insinuate that the moon landings were faked. Especially don't do so to his face.
 * In Britain, never, ever claim that America saved Britain in WW 2, or that without American involvement everyone in Britain would be speaking German.
 * The Marquess of Queensbury once stormed into the home of Oscar Wilde with a bodyguard and called Wilde a "bugger." Wilde then threw them both out of the house.
 * Jesus didn't like people selling stuff in holy temples. He didn't like that very much at all.
 * The Roman Noblewoman Lucretia was raped by a local Etruscan prince. Whereupon she committed suicide. The citizens of Rome were so angry at this that they revolted and ran the prince out of town. After this they went on to destroy the Etruscan civilization and went from their to found The Empire.

Human Health and Sexuality

 * Never tell an asexual that sex is an important part of most relationships.
 * Don't call out Asexuality as an attempt to hide one's real sexuality, mostly homosexuality though heterosexuality are fair game. There's a huge differences and you'll get called out on that.
 * Don't tell someone who identifies as bisexual that bisexuals don't exist. And, if they're kind enough to correct you instead of pretending you no longer exist, don't do it a second time.
 * Don't say that dating someone of the opposite sex means that they're now straight, and don't say that dating someone of the same sex means that they're gay.
 * Don't say that someone who identifies as bisexual, queer, etc. is gay simply because s/he is attracted to people of the same gender. Especially to their face.
 * How about just don't insult/make fun of someone's sexuality, PERIOD?
 * Don't tell someone who claims to be transgendered that they're actually A) full of shit, B) whoring for attention, C) just gay, or D) a freak.
 * Also, don't tell someone who's bisexual that they're just a slut and trying to hide it.
 * Whatever you do, NEVER refer to a straight parent as a "breeder" unless you're prepared to be verbally ripped a new one. At the least, you're likely to be called a self-righteous hypocrite and have it pointed out that if it weren't for two "breeders" you wouldn't be alive. And in using such a term, you'd be giving up all rights to declare someone a bigot or being prejudiced when they turn around and refer to you by every epithet in the book relating to your gender and sexual preference... or even cold cock you flat out.
 * Conversely, don't tell someone without children that they "need" to have a family. Maybe they don't want kids. Maybe they can't have kids. Either way, it's really none of your business. Don't tell someone who has many children that they're "polluting the earth with their carbon footprint" or ask them why they had so many. You don't take care of those kids. They do, so keep your mouth shut.
 * If a vegetarian/vegan is respectful of your food choices, return that respect. And unless a person specifically says they support PETA, do not assume they do. Many vegetarians/vegans just want to sit down and enjoy their food without being given crap or being in anyway associated with a group that makes it hard for them to state their preferences without having to disclaim, "But I swear, I'm not insane, judgmental, and/or hypocritical."
 * Along the same lines, one of the easiest things you can do to piss someone off is to criticize their diet. Maybe they eat muesli for breakfast every day, or have an addiction to toasted sandwiches, or don't like eating cold food. Just leave it. Telling someone they're fussy will probably induce severe anger, particularly if they have allergies.
 * To those vegetarians/vegans who enjoy lording over the health benefits they might be getting/how much better they are than those who eat something with muscle: someone's going to hit you, and everyone else will applaud.
 * Don't tell someone on the Atkins diet that they're going to give themselves kidney failure or a heart attack or whatever. Considering how many people have improved many of the conditions that other people are cockfire sure the diet is going to cause or worsen... yeah.
 * It can also be a bad idea to vocally assign moral judgement to what a person's eating. It doesn't matter if a person is fat and eating a large biscuit (cookie), thin and eating a small salad, or average-sized and either eating nothing but junk food or vegetables; the point is, a person's health cannot be told by his or size nor by what they happen to be eating during one particular point in time. There are healthy fat people (some of which would never touch a biscuit), unhealthy thin and average-sized people (some of which hardly ever touch vegetables and fruits), and people who have health problems that have nothing to do with their dietary choices. So, for pity's sake, let a person eat whatever they're eating in peace; if you feel an absolute need to voice your judgements, buy a damn diary or talk trash about them to your beloved pet. Unless the pet is a talking parrot, in which case you'll want to be real careful not to let said person around it.
 * Want to piss off a diabetic? Tell them that they should stop taking insulin because that article you read on the internet says that herbal medication can cure them.
 * That's actually a good way to piss anyone with a health condition off. Cancer, diabetes, heart disease, even mental/neurological illnesses get this treatment.
 * Apparently this was a button to not press on the Dragons Den with a snake oil salesman getting chewed out for making such bold claims.
 * Speaking of diabetics, never imply to a Type 1 diabetic that they could have avoided becoming diabetic if they'd watched their diet more closely . For that matter, don't tell that to a Type 2 diabetic either, because it's overall just a dick thing to say.
 * Don't tell someone with a chronic illness or other health condition that it's "all in your mind" and "you have to WANT to get better!"
 * Trying to tell anyone with a mood-related psychiatric disorder what they should be doing or thinking to feel better will get you exiled, yelled at, and possibly left a boot to the head in that person's will. Psychiatric disorders are medical conditions, and have nothing to do with the everyday use for the words that describe them. Therapy from a professional and/or medication will help, telling someone "have you tried exercise/going out/reading X Self Help book?" won't help. Thinking happy thoughts can't cure depression any more than it can cure a broken leg.
 * There is actually a valid school of psychological theory called Cognitive Psychology, which revolves around psychological disorders (other than those caused by clear physical/chemical disruption to the central nervous system) being "all in [one's] head" and thus treatable via confrontation and forcing the idea of "you're perfectly fine" through the patient's skull. There's much more to this, and it's not necessarily this simple, nor should this be attempted by anyone who is not the patient's actual psychologist/therapist/counselor/psychiatrist, but it's still worth noting.
 * Speaking of psychology, don't mention Sigmund Freud around anyone who has studied psychology other than in a neutral manner; you can never be too sure whether or not said individual is a fan of Freud's theories, and you don't want to piss off anyone who might know how to induce psychological trauma upon your consciousness with little to no effort.
 * Want to push the cheese lovers' buttons? Just mention Velveeta, or that you like it in front of them. This applies to any "foodie" and any packaged food, not just cheese. Although there are some cheese lovers who love Velveeta as well.
 * Any physically unattractive Nice Guy will have an internal explosion when told for the millionth time by his love interest, "Oh my God, you're so nice. You're going to make some girl so happy one day."
 * While at that, do not jokingly ask any physically unattractive Nice Guy when he's going to get married if you know he's single or he just lost his love interest to the Jerk Jock rival. If you're lucky he'll ignore the question. If not...
 * Go ahead. Tell the parent of an autistic kid that vaccines caused their autism. You will not be treated kindly. It does not matter what any vapid celebrity says on TV. DO NOT DO THIS.
 * While you're at it, don't tell said parents that they "caused" their child's autism by being a cold/distant/neglectful parent. Not only is this a completely wrong and utterly callous, cruel thing to say, but they will have every right to punch your face.
 * Do NOT praise Autism Speaks in the presence of an autistic person who rejects the idea that autism is an inherently malign thing to be cured. If they are nice enough to simply explain their position to you, no matter how (understandably) angry they are in the explanation, please don't continue to defend Autism Speaks to them, or they might then move on to verbally (or further) handing your ass to you on a silver platter.
 * Do not call somebody "retarded" or "autistic" just because they're weird. Especially if A) the person actually is autistic, or B) you're right next to someone who is autistic. If you're lucky, you'll either be ignored or given a short lecture on actual autism. If you're not lucky or keep doing it...
 * Going a little further on this, don't insist just because someone is a bit quirky that they must have a mental disorder or illness of any kind. One, it's just plain inconsiderate. Two, it really shows that you know nothing.
 * DO NOT assume someone with autism is naturally aggressive. Frustration is a common trait for pretty much anyone and autistic people are no different. Think about all the times you were ever frustrated. It’s common for people to snap and autistic people aren’t any different there either. In fact, someone with autism who resorts to violence makes the news because it’s rare that it does. Ever heard of people getting upset to the point of violence? Well, this has happened to people who don’t have autism or any other neurological disabilities.
 * Don't ever ever ever tell the mother of a premature baby how she is lucky she doesn't have to deal with crying, sleepless nights or the like. In fact, unless you know first-hand what it's like to have a premature baby, shut up!!!
 * Don't tell the parent of a child with ADHD that "ADHD doesn't exist" or their child "just needs some more discipline." If you dare to do this, prepare for a verbal beatdown. Don't tell that to someone who has ADHD either.
 * It's not a very good idea to tell someone who has Asperger Syndrome that it doesn't exist or that they're really socially retarded basement dwellers who self-diagnosed themselves. Also the term "Ass Burgers" isn't that witty.
 * Don't imply in front of people who have disabilities and their advocates that having a disability is a Fate Worse Than Death.
 * Don't ever joke about rape in front of a rape survivor. If you sincerely want to have your ass handed to you on a platter, though, go right ahead.
 * And if the victim doesn't a) beat you to death or b) have a breakdown and/or lose all the progress they've been making up until now, know damn well that their friends will be more than happy to rearrange your body parts.
 * And while we're on the subject, don't ever tell someone they deserved to be raped because they were dressed provocatively, stayed out too late with the person, etc. Not only is it simply not funny, but it also makes you a heartless bastard, whether or not you're serious.
 * If you happen to believe that it is acceptable to punish a child corporally, don't mention or justify it in front of someone who was abused as a child themselves.
 * Want to tick a single mother off? Go ahead and tell her it's her fault she's single. Or, better yet, tell her she's doing her child(ren) "emotional damage" by not having a father figure around for them. Or that she should've been more careful. Knock yourself out...if she doesn't do it first.
 * Telling someone that they need to get laid. Apart from being fucking rude, it might be the last thing you say with all of your teeth in your mouth. Especially asexuals.
 * If you know someone who has a phobia of something, do not tease them about it or try to make them "face" it (unless they ask for your help). Not only will you make them mad, you may very well hurt them (cause them an anxiety attack, for example).
 * If a girl seems to be moody or cranky as of late, don't ever ask her, even jokingly, "Is it that time of the month?" In fact, it's actually a very rude thing to ask.
 * Unless you are a masochist, don't call a girl or woman of any age fat. Just...don't.
 * Never mess with someone who has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. For most, the berserk button is relatively specific. For people with obsessions (for instance, germs or order) it could be summed up as "Don't touch me." or "Don't touch my stuff." For people with compulsions (for instance, counting) it's "Don't interrupt me." Most people only have mild cases though, so as long as you don't repeatedly do the same thing after we've told you to stop it, we can get over it.
 * Never pretend to have a seizure or hit someone and call it a "muscle spasm" around people who actually have seizures or muscle spasms. Not always being in control of their limbs does not mean they can't slam your head into a wall.

Media

 * Don't bring up the Linux guy or the "Jackie incident" on the Ctrl Alt Del forums or you and everyone who looked in on it will be perma-banned.
 * Don't make fanart of Tim's characters or you'll be the subject of a Frivolous Lawsuit: "Well, you fucked up."
 * Do NOT tell a Pixar fan that their favorite movie is just kid fodder. In fact, this is a pretty bad idea when speaking to animation fans as a whole.
 * Insulting Anime/Manga has been widely considered a suicidal move, especially amongst groups of preteen-to-teenaged girls.
 * Don't tell anyone who is an Internet relationship that said relationships don't work. Or, worse, say that they are "not real." Do so and you enter a world of pain.
 * Do not request Rule34 of Yotsuba&!. You have been warned.
 * And speaking of things the entire internet will destroy you for, do not abuse a cat. Any animal abuse will get at least some people berserk on you, but harm a cat in any way, and there will be no corner of cyberspace you can hide in without being destroyed.
 * And if you should kill a cat intentionally and post it online (such as the case that gave us NEDM), the internet will descend upon you like the wrath of Ceiling Cat or Longcat.
 * Programmers have quite a few. Mention the wrong programming language or the wrong development environment around one and you're going to die.
 * Merely mentioning that you make use of the goto statement in certain programming languages could easily cause an Unstoppable Rage with some programmers. It's probably safer to ask programmers what they think of the goto statement first, although even mentioning it at all could be risky to your health.
 * In Xkcd, do it, and you're raptor snack. This strip was used in PHP manual, by the way.
 * It also works the other way round. Tell any veteran programmer (those from the age of IBM OS/370 fits the trope, but anyone brought up with archaic versions of BASIC will also suffice) that GOTOs are evil and be prepared to be torn apart like a rag doll in the hands of a wild beast while having snippets from Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal screamed at you..
 * Mentioning that you prefer using tabs over spaces, or vice versa, when writing source code is likely to push many programmers' berserk buttons. Doing this on the Internet and going after programmers that do not share your preferences, is not a good idea.
 * Relatedly, systems or network administrators will often go berserk if you imply that you should have full root privileges on "your computer" (when it's not really yours but the company's), or you try to circumvent restrictions put in place to keep you and everyone safe, or you bug them constantly about inane things, or you have pointy hair and are in a position of authority... There's a bit of Simon BOFH in us all, and it doesn't pay to tease the dragon.
 * Whatever you do, don't ever praise COBOL.
 * Religion and politics are fairly obvious ones for a lot of people. Know what's less obvious but equally common? Music. You can start a real life flame war just by letting people see your iTunes playlist. This one is particularly touchy, since not only can you set people off by dissing bands they like, but by praising bands they don't like.
 * You can also start a flame war just by letting people know you use iTunes...
 * Don't wear Green Day paraphernalia around actual punks.
 * O hi guys, I just heard [insert title of a film, probably from the eighties, here] is being remade!
 * Want some quick fun? Show someone who's into typography or design something, anything, printed in Comic Sans or Papyrus. Hilarity Ensues, and by hilarity, I mean "bloodshed".
 * Even smallpox withers next to the disease known as 'Comic Sans'.
 * While Firefly fans have assorted buttons, depending on personal tastes, possibly the easiest and most universal (Well, other than saying "It just wasn't that good.") would be to tell one "I Liked It Better When It Was Called Outlaw Star."
 * And for good measure, the latter is best said while making a trollface.
 * Any case of Love It or Hate It will do this. For example, "Star Trek is the greatest sci-fi epic of all time. Star Wars...?! That's just cheap derivative crap." And the Bar Brawl begins......
 * Never say that Spanish dubs are better than Mexican dubs or vice versa in front of a Mexican/Spaniard, unless you want someone insulting the crap out of you.
 * Same goes with practically any dubs, for that matter..
 * November 2010: Do not steal someone's article off of the internet; that's generally understood to start. But if the author discovers the theft and contacts you to ask for recompense, do not tell her that anything published on the internet is public domain and she should just be grateful that you put her byline on it when you reprinted it. Because the internet does not take kindly to such things, and they will be coming for you, Judith Griggs.
 * Internet discussions about Twilight have a habit of getting jumped by rabid haters who will flame the original poster silly with unhelpful comments like "REAL VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE!" or "Edward's a fag!"
 * Calling Edward a fag should probably be a worse Berserk Button for gay people than for Twilight fans.
 * Also, fans who assume that haters are "hopelessly retarded" and obviously cannot comprehend how "awesome" Twilight is are either trolls or are very, very, very naive. And they will be attacked regardless.
 * Don't ever say anything about Justin Bieber unless it's elaborate plans to murder the kid. Anyone who says anything about him otherwise, unless it's "Justin Bieber is gay" or "Justin Bieber has no talent" will be poisoned with hemlock
 * The kid from the Greatest Freakout Ever YouTube videos has quite a few of these - mainly having his sexuality questioned in any way, being betrayed in an online game, oh yeah, and losing his World of Warcraft account. And once you've hit his Berserk Button, who knows what he'll break next.
 * The Swarm is a web forum where everyone has the same unexpected Berserk Button.
 * If you're in the presence of an American Dad fan, NEVER call the show a Family Guy clone. Even people who are fans of both shows hate this.
 * Tell a Danny Elfman fan he doesn't write his own music. I dare you.
 * Looking for a way to lose teeth without paying a dentist? Call The Hunger Games the next Twilight in front of fans of Katniss, Peeta, Haymitch et al.
 * The Hunger Games itself is a Berserk Button to some fans of Battle Royale (although interestingly, many who've bothered to read both tend to find Suzanne Collins not guilty of plagiarism).
 * PS: By all means enter a discussion about The Hunger Games, book or movie, and declare it to be nothing but a ripoff of Battle Royale. Fans love such replies, have never heard them before, and will in no way either press the "Ignore" button or leave you barbecued with all the flaming that ensues.
 * If you know a little kid who happens to practically be in love with a character and insists that character is real, don't try to argue and tell the kid he or she is wrong unless you're their parent. Parents might be able to get away with it, but anybody else will have a toddler meltdown on their hands.
 * Plagiarism sets off anger in any writer. Considering how hard it is to get things published--or just to write in general--having someone steal your words is unforgivable.

Politics

 * Mentioning Margaret Thatcher in a good light to a member of the Labour party may lead to a verbal, or physical ass kicking.
 * Insulting Ken Livingstone in front of their hard left will have a similar result.
 * Though it depends on who you ask, some members of the hard left still have not forgiven him for leaving the Labour Party when they he SPECIFICALLY said he would not
 * It would probably not be a good idea to praise Blair in front of these people as well. In fact, just avoid the subject altogether or you may provoke a massive Civil War between the two
 * The Healey - Benn divide still leaves sore spots within the Labour party, whatever you do, do NOT praise Healey in front of a Bennite or vice versa or you will get a LOOOONG lecture on why the other man nearly destroyed the Labour Party
 * Do not, for any reason, suggest anything that looks even the slightest like NHS privitisation; almost the entire British population will come down on you and your political party like a tonne of red hot bricks.
 * All of these pale into insignificance compared to what insulting Margaret Thatcher in front of a Conservative will bring about.
 * Right-wing people in general tend to be more red blooded than left-wingers and thus tend to have more of a Hair-Trigger Temper.
 * Praising George W. Bush or Ronald Reagan to a Democrat is quite a bad idea.
 * Similar to the Margaret Thatcher example further up, insulting George Bush or Ronald Reagan in front of a Republican will guarantee that you wake up in a hospital. If you wake up at all.
 * Not only is Barack Obama a berserk button on the right, praising him to a person on the hard left is also guaranteed to get you a verbal beatdown. Alternatively, be a progressive and critical of Obama. Both of these are due to the large Broken Base the man has on the Left.
 * Do not praise Henry Kissinger abroad. Seriously, the man has a whole bunch of countries, even in the first world, that he regularly avoids like the plague.
 * Do not accuse people, high-profile or otherwise, of being communists or fascists. Things will get VERY ugly VERY quickly.
 * Don't accuse a Democrat of being a socialist in particular. Even socialists hate this.
 * Say that Communism is a good idea on paper in front of a Libertarian. (Or vice versa.) Go on, I dare you. I double dare you, motherfucker!
 * Insulting the Queen or Winston Churchill in front of a British person is sure to provoke an Unstoppable Rage, except in front of the hard left who still tend to avoid this. Unless they're particularly brave.
 * The above is especially true around members of the British armed forces.
 * Not only is praising Ayn Rand a Berserk Button to the left, insulting her in front of a right-winger is likely to make them go Incredible Hulk on yo' ass.
 * Never ever talk about Mexican politics . PERIOD.
 * The Falkland Islands and Gibraltar are British, until their inhabitants decide otherwise. Suggesting they belong to Argentina/Spain around most Brits will result in either a knuckle sandwitch or an acid and erudite explanation of the many ways in which you are a prat and your government, hypocrites.

Miscellaneous

 * Never, never compare Wiccans and other neo-pagans to Satanists. They do not like this. At all. Wiccans and neopagans don't follow the Judeo-Christian religious faith and thus don't believe in Satan. By and large, they are benevolent people who wouldn't harm anyone (for one thing, it's against their religion).
 * Satanists don't believe in Satan either, contrary to popular belief.
 * In the military, Basic Training Instructors are supposed to have several keyboards full of berserk buttons.
 * In the U.S. at least, watch what you say about their military, especially around loved ones of soldiers and Marines who've died while serving.
 * Unfortunately, the Westboro Baptist Church people don't seem capable of figuring out that trash-talking the military folk is likely to have some pretty far-reaching repercussions...
 * Evolution. Is. Not. Just. A. Theory.
 * Do not, under any circumstances, say that atheism, humanism, or evolution are responsible for Hitler.
 * Never insinuate to any sane Muslim person that they believe in a Religion of Evil or that they are responsible for 9/11 and other terrorist attacks. Or insinuate that anyone's religion is a Religion of Evil, really.
 * Telling an ex Christian that they were never really Christain to begin with is not going to end well for you.
 * Don't drive a Toyota or any other foreign car around the Detroit area.
 * Don't admit in front of a professional chef that you use any canned fruits or vegetables or any frozen foods or mixes in your cooking.
 * Never. Ever. Talk on your fucking cell phone in the movies. Moviegoers have paid to see this movie, and they WILL see the movie. If part of that movie involves yanking your phone from your hands and crushing it under their heel, then so be it.
 * Unless you enjoy pain, do not, under any circumstances, refer to any woman in the English speaking world as the C-Word to her face, or at all.
 * It's really best not to use this word at all in a place where a woman might hear you. Better yet, it's really best to just not use the word at all.
 * Don't say the B-word either.
 * Threatening someone's child, especially if that child is a baby, tends to be very dangerous. Hurting someone's child tends to be almost deadly. To anyone who's stupid enough to do this: run.
 * Actually, don't, we need fewer people like you in the world anyway.
 * Don't recline your seat on an airliner if the person behind you is built like a linebacker.
 * Call an astronomer an astrologer... and he might just make you see stars.
 * To some people, any pun is an Incredibly Lame Pun, and they won't let you forget it.
 * If you tell a woman to Stay in The Kitchen, you better hope she shares your sense of humor. If not, you may be forgiven if you're her friend. If you're not her friend, you're risking a bloody lip.