Death Note Abridged (Dogface 701)/Funny

"Light: ...the only way this day could get any worse is if an evil notebook fell from the sky!"
 * Tempting Fate:

"Light: ...and that, Sayu, is how I kill people.
 * Death God Ryuk does his part to save the planet:"Oh, great idea, waste a whole sheet of paper on one name. Way to save the environment! Do you know how much paper costs in the Shinigami Realm... A LOT because there are no f_ing trees!"
 * Light bonds with his little sister:

Sayu: Awesome! Can I have a death note too?

Light: No, you ignorant child. And if you ever get kidnapped by a gay blonde man, I will kill you."

"Ryuk: Hey Light, there's this big, ugly, scary lookin' guy following you.
 * "If anyone attempts to force the drawer open it ignites the C-4 under the desk which sets off the atom bomb under the house killing everyone within a 50 mile radius."
 * Stalked by the F.B.I.:

Light: Ryuk, for the last time I know you're there!

Ryuk: No, not me!

Light: Oh. A rapist?"

"Raye Penber: I'm dying! Somebody help me!
 * [+ "DON'T WORRY I HAVE A PLAN!!!"+ ]
 * Ryuk's Lampshade Hanging: "But hey, be sure to stand there and gloat while he's dying, because surely there are no surveillance cameras IN A PUBLIC SUBWAY!"
 * Somebody Elses Problem:

Random Pedestrian 1: Shut up Emo!

Random Pedestrian 2: We have problems too, you know."

"Ryuk: Say, whatever happened to that Yuri chick you were dating?"
 * Poor Light...

[Post-traumatic flashback of Domestic Abuse] "Yuri: FLOWERS... AND NO CHOCOLATE?!!! [/end flashback]

Ryuk: Did you just piss yourself?

Light: Shut up, Ryuk! At least I like women!"

"Light: It's important that I not let her find out anything that could link to me being Kira... Hi, I'm Light Yagami, the one your fiancé was investigating. I murdered him in cold blood! Right in front of everybody and no one cared enough to help him...
 * Light and Naomi:

Naomi: * crying* I did my best! I did my best!

Light: Ryuk, I don't get it. I didn't even write her name down yet.

Ryuk: That was the most f__ed up thing I've ever seen-and I'm a Death God!"