Bar Brawl/Quotes

"Look, Bob, what part of this don't you understand, eh? It's a matter of style, okay? A proper brawl doesn't just happen. You don't pile in, not anymore.

Now, Oyster Dave here - put your helmet back on, Dave - will be the enemy in front, and Basalt, who as we know, don't need a helmet, he'll be the enemy coming up behind you. Okay, it's well past knuckles time, let's say Gravy there has done his thing with the Bench Swipe, there's a bit of knife play, we've done the whole Chandelier Swing number, blah blah blah, then Second Chair - that's you, Bob - you step smartly between their Number Five man and a Bottler, swing the chair back over your head, like this - sorry, Pointy - and then swing it right back onto Number Five, bang, crash, and there's a cushy six points in your pocket. If they're playing a dwarf at Number Five, then a chair won't even slow him down, but don't fret, hang on to the bits that stay in your hand, pause one moment as he comes at you, then belt him across both ears. They hate that, as Stronginthearm here will tell you. Another three points.

It's probably going to be freestyle after that but I want all of you, including Mucky Mick and Crispo, to try for a Double Andrew when it gets down to the fist-fighting again. Remember? You back into each other, turn around to give the other guy a thumping, cue moment of humorous recognition, then link left arms, swing round and see to the other fellow's attacker, foot or fist, it's your choice. Fifteen points right there if you get it to flow just right.

Oh, and remember we'll have an Igor standing by, so if your arm gets taken off do pick it up and hit the other bugger with it, it gets a laugh and twenty points. On that subject, do remember what I said about getting everything tattooed with your name, all right? Igors do their best, but you'll be on your feet much quicker if you make life easier for him and, what's more, it's your feet you'll be on. Okay, positions, everyone, let's run through it again..."

- Overheard at the Mended Drum, Ankh-Morpork, Going Postal

"In the previous affair a couple of hundred cadets had battled up and down the corridors that lay between two companies' quarters, for an hour or so. Brass knuckledusters, loaded canes, chair legs, and practically any other weapon that came to hand had been used; two cadets were injured for life, and thousands of pounds worth of damage was done. News of this episode reached the newspapers, and people asked what the authorities were about to permit such hooliganism."

- Sandhurst cadets entertaining themselves between the World Wars, from The Crucible of War Trilogy: Wavell's Command, by Pitt, Barrie.