If Bella Were Sane

If Bella Were Sane is a hilarious parody fanfiction of Twilight, written by a Deadpan Snarker. Read it here.

What if Bella were, well, sane? What if she had an ounce of rationality in her body? What if she kept a diary? This is what would happen. And yes, it is So Cool Its Awesome. After a couple of years of being a Dead Fic, the author has put up coverage of Eclipse (not really) and Breaking Dawn... And the Fandom Rejoiced.

Tropes found in this fic include...
""Oh, fucking fuck. Just fan-fucking-tastic.""
 * Betty and Veronica: Jacob is Betty, Edward is Veronica, and Bella is Archie. However, she isn't even remotely interested in Edward.
 * Bishie Sparkle: Edward, but Bella takes it as a sign that he's gay. Much to her dismay, she's wrong.
 * Cluster F-Bomb: Bella's reaction to her car breaking down just when she's trying to get away from Edward.

"He [Edward] also says that we shouldn't be friends. O-kay, mister bipolar weirdo, fine with me. In fact, I'll help you with that venture by staying the hell away from you as much as possible."
 * Dead Fic: Finally, finally, finally subverted.
 * Deadpan Snarker: Bella becomes one.

"The hell? Does he have colored contacts? How many pairs do you need?"
 * Damsel in Distress: Bella in the second chapter. Justified as she'd been dragged to Italy against her will and really had no control over the situation or any way to get home.
 * Gosh Darn It to Heck: Averted-- Bella never once says, "Holy crow."
 * Hopeless Suitor: Edward to Bella. Bella finds him creepy as all hell, but he's convinced that she loves him.
 * I Reject Your Reality: Edward doesn’t seem to listen, when Bella says she doesn’t love him back.
 * Kaleidoscope Eyes: Edward. In Bella's words:


 * Kissing Cousins: Bella suspects that the Cullens are this, due to the fact that they all look alike.
 * Love Triangle: Once again, the classic Bella/Edward/Jacob, but in this case, Edward's not really even in the equation at all.
 * Not So Above It All:
 * Only Sane Man: Bella.
 * Sanity Slippage: Bella in chapter 4, calling the dates, "Day Who Cares" and "Day Fuck the World."
 * Stalking Is Love: Averted-- Bella finds it creepy.
 * Stalker with a Crush: Edward, of course.
 * Take That: Bella happens to have a very Mormon and very loopy aunt named Stephenie who finds Edward forcefully marrying Bella "romantic."