NCIS/Funny

NCIS is a Long Runner because most episodes are filled with Crowning Moments of Funny.

Season 1
"(Tony tries to speak sign language)
 * Early in the first episode, with Ducky and Tony scrambling to get photos at the President's desk, while Gibbs isn't looking (even though he's well aware of it).
 * Also, the fact that they practically stole Air Force One!
 * From the episode "Sea Dog":

Gibbs: You should wash your hands with soap for saying that."


 * Actually has some basis in fact; making up signs is considered very rude by the deaf community.

Season 2
"McGee: This is, uh...this is kinda embarrassing...
 * As much as you gotta feel for McGee in these situations, any time he has a run-in with poison ivy sets up a number of these.
 * Especially when he reveals to Dr. Mallard that he got it in a somewhat more....personal area.

Ducky: I'm a doctor, McGee. I've seen everything there is to see more times than I care to remember.

(McGee drops his pants)

Ducky: Good Lord."

"McGee: If Tony finds out about this, I'll never hear the end of it.
 * Even better, Palmer walks in, and McGee gets "caught with his pants down."

Ducky: Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.

Palmer: [walks in, sees McGee standing in front of Ducky with his pants down) ... I'll come back later... (leaves)

Ducky: Him, I'm not too sure about."

"Tony: The human body is a beautiful thing, and I think it should be admired.
 * Much of season two's "Bikini Wax", including Kate's criticism of Public Exposure in regards to women, just before she starts ogling some men doing the same.
 * Best part is the dialogue:

Kate: Yeah, right. [opens door] You're right, Tony, the human body is a beautiful thing. *dopey grin*

[camera reveals the US Water Polo Team, wearing watch caps, speedos, and a lot of oil]"

"Gibbs: [in a slightly sad voice] No card."
 * The aforementioned episode ends with Tony finding the photo of Kate in the wet T-shirt contest, which in one of the next episodes he lords over her, much to her embarrassment. At the end of that episode, she reveals a Photoshopped pic (courtesy of Abby) of two dudes in cheesecake poses, one with Tony's head. They agree to delete the pics together...but when they do, Gibbs' e-mail chime goes off twice. Both realize what's happened and beat a hasty retreat. Gibbs, looking a bit puzzled, checks his e-mail. The expression on his face just before the credits is priceless.
 * The exchange towards the end of "The Bone Yard", between Gibbs and mob brat Little Ricky.
 * Actually, just about the entire episode is back-to-back-to-back CMoFs.
 * Kate singing "Outrageous" by Britney Spears in the shower. And Tony mocking her for it.
 * In the episode "SWAK" the whole team has to take a hazmat shower, just look it up

Season 3
"Jenny: I think she was an eastern European cab driver in a former life."
 * "Good God, man! Use the clutch! No, you're stripping the gears!"
 * "This is too painful, Doctor."
 * To truly appreciate the funny, the second speaker above is Ruining a lovingly-restored vintage Morgan makes even a Complete Monster weep.
 * The first time Ziva drives the truck -- she drives down the wrong side of the road. While the others scream and throw up, and cars honk and squeal in the background, she remains so calm it's hilarious.
 * What's weird is that Israelis drive on the right, so this can't be attributed to her Not Doing The Research.
 * Actually, Ziva says she was just on a six month mission in the UK, which explains her driving on the wrong side. Also, she drives fast because it's the best way to avoid IEDs.
 * Not to mention, that Israelis tend to drive in an offensive, rather than defensive manner.
 * Jenny's delayed warning is telling.

"Abby: Thank you, sir.
 * Abby's take on They Call Me Mister Tibbs:

Gibbs: Don't call me "sir".

Abby: Thank you, ma'am. [walks off]"

"Abby: (gospel preacher accent) For a moment, ah lost my faith in... But now I know, that forensics was just testing me. And ah will rise up and find the man who did this to Tony (voice spontaneously echoes) and ah will crucify him!...
 * Topped off with the chuckle Gibbs gives a moment later; you just know she's the only person on Earth who could get away with that and not get Gibbs Slapped into oblivion.
 * When Tony is framed for murder, all the evidence seems to point to him, much to Abby's displeasure. When she finds contrary evidence, she perks right up.

Abby's assistant: (turns away from her slowly -- )"

"Tony: ...It looks like this guy did an episode of Trading Spaces with Satan."
 * From "Head Case":

"Abby: And don't look up my skirt!"
 * In the Season 3 episode "Bloodbath", Abby is kidnapped by a stalker posing as a federal agent. Gibbs and McGee run towards the van where she is being held, hearing (Narm-y) muffled screaming. The doors open to reveal... the screaming was from Abby tasing the captor.

"Franks: My brother and I married the same woman twice.
 * In that same episode, Abby gets drunk while hiding out in Gibbs' basement. On top of her slurred ramblings, his expressions as she clumsily swings his sharp tools around, then breaks off a piece of his boat, are priceless. As can be seen here.
 * In Season 3, episode "Under Covers" the armed confrontation between the FBI and NCIS agents, which took about 10 seconds of inaudible yelling and screaming.
 * Gibbs catching a fleeing murderer by shooting him in the butt with a rifle.
 * A flashback from when Gibbs was Franks's probie:

Gibbs: Twice?

Franks: She was a hell of a woman, Probie!"

"Abby: McGee said that Gibbs was in a bomb blast. He tried to sound really calm, but I could hear the fear in his voice and he should be afraid, for Gibbs to be brought to the hospital in the ambulance could not be good. I had to come see for myself and my hearse got a flat as usual so, um, I got in a cab to go to the airport and then I realized that, that by the time I got to the terminal and, and I bought a ticket and then I went through security and then I flew to Norfolk and then I got a cab here it would be better just to stay in the cab that I was in so I did that, it cost a lost of, you know what it doesn't matter what it cost because this is Gibbs we're talking about. I can't believe that he's hurt he is never hurt, not hurt enough to go to a hospital. He has to be dying to even go see a doctor. Oh my God. He isn't dying is he? I dunno what I would do. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts. Okay, I know the rule is that you have to be family to go into Emergency, at least that's what they said when Uncle Charlie got his leg caught in a nurtia trap, but Gibbs and me, we're tighter than blood. I know you need ID, I have ID in here. Um, I work at NCIS, uh, forensics, and, uh, ballistics, chemical analysis and DNA typing. Uh, here, um, that's me, I promise, I just, I had to be in court that day but I swear, that is me."
 * In "Hiatus part 1", Abby manages to get into the ICU by rambling hysterically to the head nurse about, among other things, how long it took to get there, how she and Gibbs are closer than family, and how the picture on her ID is definitely, definitely her. All below, said in a manic babble.


 * This is after Jenny Sheppard, director of NCIS, was refused admittance by the same nurse and had to resort to calling Condolezza Rice to get in (the president would have been overkill).
 * Also from "Hiatus", Tony will not accept Ziva singing anything from The Sound of Music. He threatens to lock her in a room with "It's a Small World" playing for twenty-four hours straight.

Season 4
"Ducky: Well, as the moisture was lost, the victim’s tissue – which protected the vital organs – shrank. You see these little black dots?
 * From "Smoked", which revolved around a body found in a chimney in said condition.

Fornell: Um... um... Oh, yeah.

Ducky: He was stabbed repeatedly and fatally.

Fornell: With what? A safety pin?'

Ducky: As I just explained, the shrinkage of the flesh is deceptive. Most likely it was an ice pick or a Phillips-head screwdriver."

"Tony: Guy looks like a piece of beef jerky, Duck.
 * Earlier in the same episode:

(some non-relevant dialogue)

Gibbs: How'd he die?

Ducky: Well, the "how" I'm still working on...It's made particularly difficult by the means by which his body was preserved. He was, quite literally, smoked inside that chimney.

Ziva: Smoked?

Ducky: Yea, like a fine cut of meat.

Tony: ...So he really is a beef jerky."

"Tony: What's happening?
 * The first encounter with Army CID Colonel Hollis Mann.

Ziva: Gibbs just met his fourth ex-wife."

"McGee: Where the hell is Edenvale?
 * This clip from Suspicion

Tony: Keep scrolling, probie.

McGee: I am scrolling, I'm telling you I can't find it.

Tony: It's not on the map.

McGee: Boondocks.

Tony: Boondocks, Boss!

Gibbs [walking into the office area with Ziva]: Pack a toothbrush.

Ziva: What are boondocks?

[Tony and McGee stare at each other]

Tony: Ba na now now now now now now now.

McGee: Da na nong nong nong nong nong nong nong.

Tony: Ba na now now now now now now now.

McGee: Da na nong nong nong nong nong nong nong.

[the two continue to imitate "Dueling Banjos" for the entire ride there'']"

"Ziva: After we find the pirate's copy of Ares.
 * Made funnier from Ziva's look of "This does not answer my question. What the hell are you doing?" and Gibbs' look to Tony of "You're gonna do that the whole ride up there, aren't you?"
 * While they are driving to someone's house, Tony and Ziva have one of their usual conversations where Ziva gets confused by a metaphor. At the end, they get out of the car at their destination, still arguing. Then Tony looks confused at the turn the conversation has taken.

Tony: Pirated.

Ziva: That's what I said.

Tony: No you said pirate's. A pirate's a person like Captain Jack Sparrow.

Ziva: Who's Captain Jack Sparrow?

Tony: Johnny Depp.

Ziva: [in a dreamy voice] He's a pirate?

Tony: No, he's a...How did we get here?

Ziva: I drove?"


 * Season four episode "Driven" begins with Team Gibbs attending a sexual harassment lecture and demonstrating why - between Abby hugging people with her mind, Ziva licking Tony's ear, and nobody quite having the guts to mention Gibbs's fondness for the Dope Slap - it's generally for the best that they usually manage to skip these lectures. See it here.
 * Jimmy Palmer is the scene-stealer. "WHY are you touching dead naked people?"
 * He also in inadvertently owns her in that scene, too, responding to her accusatory question with "Well, I work in autopsy, so..."
 * The ear-licking thing is actually Hilarious in Hindsight if the viewer also happens to watch Whose Line Is It Anyway. At least Ziva licking Tony's ear is less disturbing than Ryan licking Colin's.
 * Later, when Abby gets pulled from a trap in a vehicle, even after being in serious danger, she goes "permission to hug." Stitches, every time. Oh, my gut.
 * At the beginning of "Escaped" we learn that McGee overbleached his teeth the night before. He spends the entire episode keeping his mouth as closed as possible so his teeth are never seen, with Tony trying to get a look and the rest of the team offering tips on how to darken them. Finally, at the end when they arrive at work to see, the camera pans across the stunned faces of Ziva, Tony, until it comes to McGee with a big goofy grin on his face, showing off the brightest teeth ever. It even gets a joke in the "grey-out," complete with a Twinkle Smile and an Audible Gleam. See it here.
 * Similar situation in "Code of Conduct". Well, this whole scene is a CMoF beginning with Abby rigging McGee's keyboard to foam and ending with Ziva tainting Tony's coffee to turn his teeth blue, a joke that, like McGee's overbleached teeth, continued into the "grey-out." Can't believe she pulled it off with a straight face.

Season 5
"Abby: Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva.
 * Everyone fessing up to raiding Tony's things after his supposed death mere hours before in "Bury Your Dead."

Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little hastily.

Tony: That's my letter opener.

Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I've always admired it.

Tony: Where's my American Pie coffee mug?

Abby: Palmer.

Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?

Abby: Ducky... Hey, Ducky.

(Ducky is attempting to stealthily return the stapler when he's spotted)

Ducky: My dear fellow, I never believed it for a moment. Welcome home."

"McGee: I'm dealing with my boat phobia, Tony's dealing with his rat phobia, and Ziva's dealing with her ghost phobia.
 * Tony had the plague? 0_0
 * From the episode "Ex-File" Colonel Hollis Mann (current girlfriend), Jenny Shepherd (former lover), and Stephanie Bronwyn Flynn (ex-wife number 2). Any scene between the three of them and Gibbs.
 * Gibbs drinks a lot of coffee...
 * Phone conversation between Abby and the others, who are investigating aboard a rat-infested and possibly haunted naval vessel:

Abby: What's Gibbs dealing with?

Gibbs (snatching phone from McGee): Them."

"Abby: Jethro! JETHRO!!
 * Season 5, where DiNozzo and McGee are caught in an awkward position by a therapist...who thinks they're in for marriage counseling.
 * In "Dog Tags," McGee is attacked by a seemingly vicious dog, while the rest of the teem looks at the Crime scene inside. Then McGee's gun fires. They run outside and find McGee getting up while the dog is whimpering on the ground. During this whole scene a really loud and obnoxious song. While were looking at the wounded dog, the last lines of the song before the opening credits are "Bad dog, no biscuit!" I was in stitches.
 * Also from "Dog Tags," when the dog lovingly named Jethro escapes from Abby's car, he makes a run for the forest and she chases after him. This dialogue follows:

Two jogging marines passing by: I'm Jethro!"

"Tim: Hey! The "Tommy Lee Jones Speech", every time we have a fugitive, really?"
 * Season five's "Corporal Punishment": "My fingers are finging."
 * And the beginning of that episode with Tony quoting from The Fugitive.

"Tony: Don't do this to me! Don't make me kiss you, Boss!"
 * In "Judgment Day, Part 1", Ziva and Tony are away guarding Director Sheppard at a funeral, and Gibbs is in another part of HQ. McGee comes in late... and sees Abby at Ziva's desk and Ducky at Tony's desk, impersonating them both, including a fake accent and Ducky putting his feet up on the table. When McGee asks where Gibbs is, Palmer rushes in with a perfect Gibbs impression... after which Gibbs actually arrives. It turns out that autopsy and forensics had been closed for a cleaning or a security sweep (something like that) and Abby, Ducky and Palmer just had nothing else to do.
 * From "Requiem", Even distraught Tony, having just, attempts to avoid administering CPR.

Season 6
"Ziva: What is this place?
 * Season 6: The team's reaction to the Numa Numa guy
 * This from "Cloak":

Soldier: It's classified.

Tony: Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.

Ziva, Tony, and McGee (in unison): Unicorn!"

"Tony: So many questions! My mind is spinning with questions! I mean, have you ever thought about it? He actually came from somewhere! He didn't just appear, y'know; he didn't just start Gibbs, he was a boy, and then he grew!
 * In "Heartland", which is the investigation takes place in Gibbs's hometown, it is discovered that Gibbs has a father leading to this hilarious scene where Tony, Ziva and McGee speculate on how Gibbs came to this world.

Ziva: I thought he was molded from clay, had life breathed into him by a group of mystics!

McGee: That's funny, I thought he fell to Earth in a capsule, after his home planet exploded!

Ziva: (laughs) No, he burst forth, full grown, from the mind of Zeus!

McGee: Nice.

Tony: He is the avatar of Vishnu. He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh! He was grown in a cabbage patch. I'm trying to pose a serious metaphysical question here!"

"Ziva & McGee: Gibbs has a father!
 * And in the same episode:

Abby & Tony: Tell me everything!"

"Abby: If I keep going to Crazy Town every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to get my mail forwarded."
 * When Ducky's in the hospital in "Broken Bird", Abby lampshades how often the team is in danger:

"Tony: You know McGee, sometimes a man can be loved more for his weaknesses than his strengths.
 * From the episode "Caged":

Gibbs: (walks in) Well then DiNozzo, you must be one very well-loved man."

Season 7
"Gibbs: Some idiot smuggled a koala onto a submarine. Grab your gear."
 * Noodle Incident from a montage in the Season Seven premiere.

"McGee: Blah blah blah, computer stuff. Blah.
 * From the same scene, when Tony talks about business as usual becoming trite.

Ducky: [plops a file on Tony's desk] Autopsy report.

Abby: Words. There's so many.. words. And feelings.. and stuff.. and emotions! Thanks for listening."

"Dinozzo: (staring at the collage in question) It's like one of those hidden eye posters where if you stare at it for long enough it makes a picture...[Gibbs come in and dope slaps him] That's it! It's out of focus! [camera focuses on his face; his eyes are unfocused''] It's dolphins! In moonlight!"
 * From the episode with the savant girl who put the military signal in a collage:

"Abby: Abby has to pee. [runs out of room]"
 * The entire scene with McGee and Ziva trapped in the elevator in "Power Down."
 * "Book 'em, Dan-ozzo."
 * After Abby has spent most of the episode drinking highly caffeinated drinks:

"Abby: [after giving Gibbs her usual report] What are you hiding?
 * This little gem from "Endgame":

Gibbs:[holds up a Caf-Pow]

Abby: Oh, no! It's too late; I can't.

Gibbs: [holds up a "No Caf-Pow"]

Abby: Gibbs, you are an enabler. And I love you for it. [takes Caf-Pows]"

"Abby: One orange tabby and two calicos. You're allergic to citrus. You went bowling last night, you're Vitamin D deficient. Oh, and you're ovulating. [class laughs]"
 * "Borderland": Abby performing a forensic Sherlock Scan on a bitchy Mexican policewoman...

"Ziva: There is nothing good on the Internet anymore.
 * From "Ignition," when Ziva gets frustrated over the Internet:

McGee: Yeah, I think that Internet thing has just about run its course.

Ziva: Pop-up ads, banner ads, video ads...I think this whole page may be an ad.

McGee: An ad for what?

Ziva: Hair-loss pills? This is a pill that makes people lose their hair?

Tony: It's for growing hair.

Ziva: Why would I need more hair?

Tony: Not you. Men.

Ziva: Like I need more men?"

Season 8
"Ducky: I'm not sure I follow. You kill the zombie...
 * From "Kill Screen", an episode about PC games (subgenre zombie-shooter):

Palmer: And then, you kill their brains.

Ducky: Wouldn't hypovolemic shock render the second step unnecessary?

Palmer: No, no, no, because when you shoot a zombie in the head, sometimes the brains sneak out through the hole. And then, you have to kill that separately.

Ducky: I see. I think."

"Tony: Friday is crazed-PCP-addict night, Saturday is hooker night! Where are the hookers? [sees a couple of said "ladies" being escorted into the squadroom] I mean, call girls. Hello, Sapphire."
 * Also from "Kill Screen", Gibbs smacking, then hitting his computer monitor with a baseball bat to 'fix' his computer while McGee tries to fix it.
 * On the Royal Navy ship that keeps trying to leave while the team is investigating a murder on board, Ziva and Tony are being escorted off when sirens start going off to signal some kind of engineering problem and delay the ship's departure until everything's checked. And then Gibbs pops out of a door holding a massive wrench...
 * Tony's first flashback to his days as a cop in "Baltimore."

"Tony: "You can't outrun me, I'm wearing tube socks!""
 * In the same episode, there's Tony's first encounter with :

"Tony: I have a degree in Physical Education! I played varsity basketball at Ohio State! This isn't going to end well for you! Your money-laundering days— [runs through traffic and into the side of a car, then gets back up] —Are over!"
 * Uncle Ticklefingers.
 * Tony chasing a money launderer.

Season 9
"Tim: (sadly) Aw, not the frosted cut-outs..."
 * The gang (except for Gibbs) check a surveillance footage of Tony in "Nature of the Beast" when McGee suggests that Tony's secret mission is to kill Johnny Depp, who Ziva likes as her favorite actor.
 * Tony's "Bucket List", including such items as "Date a Bond Girl and/or Miss Universe", "Develop a Catch Phrase", "Experience a Wonder of the World (besides Gibbs), "Find Jimmy Hoffa, damnit" and "Tell Dad it's okay".
 * In Life Before His Eyes, if you look at the foreground carefully, you can see
 * It finally happens in Season 9 - Ziva gets a speeding ticket. For going eighty in a forty. It's also tempting to call the cop who was unfortunate enough to pull her over to have had a C Mo A for pulling her over and surviving.
 * In the Christmas Episode "Newborn King", the entire cookie interrogation scene. It works, and their suspect eventually crushes a cookie in his fist out of frustration.

"... Oorah?"
 * In the same episode, when, she manages to keep a positive attitude via the power of snark:


 * In "Rekindled", a mood change occurs when Tony was the only agent ordering pizza while the others were taking security calls. This troper found it funny.
 * Palmer is desperate to learn what Abby has planned for the bachelor party. Noodle Implements abound, and this is her chosen party outfit...

Misc.
"Tony: That's...
 * The reaction of the first person to go into Gibbs's basement after he has finished and removed his first boat.
 * Speaking of, when it reappears a few years later as a crime scene, what's Abby's priority?

Abby: Uh huh.

McGee: Its no longer in...

Abby: Uh huh.

Ziva: This is Gibbs' boat.

Abby: This is the crime scene. It was flown here on a C 130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence and now it is mine. It is aaaaaaaaaaall mine! So I can figure out the mystery.

McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?

Ziva: Or who killed them?

Tony: Or how they ended up on the boat?

Abby: Sure, you guys should work on that. While I figure out how he got it out of the basement."