Conspiracy Theorist/Quotes

""Deb, listen to me Deb. They're at it again and people have got to know. They've got to know because they don't know; they won't report this stuff on the news because they own the news! Conspiracy? This goes beyond conspiracy, okay? There is no word for something as devious and secret as this, you understand? People need to hear this; they need to know the real story! Alright, as we all know the Americans established a Moon base back in the late seventies, that's no secret. But what most people don't know is that they have been conducting a dig. Not for resources, but for artifacts. Well, it's no coincidence that the Chinese have started conducting space missions. You know why? I'll tell you why. The reason is because the Chinese are trying to stop the Americans from finding an ancient space probe send by the Beta-Centaurians. And why? Because the Beta-Centaurians are giving space technology to the Chinese to get back at the Andromedans - a.k.a. The Greys - for giving space technology to the Americans in The Fifties. The American government's been putting more money into space. Don't you see what's happening? I can't believe I'm the only one that's figured it out! Am I the only person alive that can see what's going on? It's because the Andromedans and the Betas are going to be fighting their war in this galaxy through us, Deb. And the American people, the people of Earth, you people, cannot let this happen! It's Mu versus Atlantis all over again!""

""Deb. I'm about to reveal something that... I'm putting my life on the line. But the people, the people of this city and this country and this planet, they have the right to know this, do you understand? This is serious. There are a lot of organizations who would do anything in their power to keep this a secret. Deb, Deb, this is really serious now, can I finish? All right. Everyone knows they've got cameras at every stoplight so the government can keep tabs on our comings and goings. But did you know that they then sold access to their data bases to The Illuminati, who has been using that information to compile a list of the most frequently traveled routes and then opening new locations of their well-known chain of coffee houses in the most profitable locations? And did you also know that they use those funds to suppress fusion and solar power? Well they, the Illuminati, control all the world's energy, and, because they monitor all of our energy usage, they can tell who is not watching television and therefore know who is not receiving the subliminal messages that they send to keep the sheep putting their money in banks away from their secret headquarters, a.k.a. Wyoming. As a matter of fact, and again I shouldn't be talking about this, but I believe that it's everybody's right to know that recycling is a myth. All that they do with those bottles and cans is collect DNA samples from your saliva, so that they can clone you. And train your clone to assassinate you and assume your identity, should you go poking your nose into the whole global warming business.""

""Deb, this is it! This time I stumbled across something that is bigger than anything you could possibly imagine. A threat to the entire human race's existence. Deb, nothing can prepare the world for this. This is the biggest story in the history of humanity ever! Ever, Deb. How I found this out I can't say, but I'm risking my life to tell the world this. Are you prepared for this? People of Los Angeles, vampires walk among us. Hear me out, Deb. Vampires are among us and have been since the dawn of time. And Los Angeles... Well, there's more vampires per person here than anywhere else in the world. People are killed by vampires all the time, but their secret vampire society covers it up. Who blew up that warehouse in Santa Monica? Vampires! What happened to the crew of the Elizabeth Dane? Vampires! Want to know what happened to that sarcophagus that disappeared? Vampires took it. The prince of vampires to be more specific. He wants to use it against a league of other vampires that have been trying to get a foothold in our city. And get this! There could be an even older vampire in the sarcophagus. An ancient super-vampire! It's the truth, Deb. The Undead are all around us. We need to rise up and destroy our evil vampire overlords before it's too late!""

- Gomez, Deb of Night, Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines.

"Far from being a paranoid or a determinist, the conspiracy analyst is a praxeologist; that is, he believes that people act purposively, that they make conscious choices to employ means in order to arrive at goals. Hence, if a steel tariff is passed, he assumes that the steel industry lobbied for it; if a public works project is created, he hypothesizes that it was promoted by an alliance of construction firms and unions who enjoyed public works contracts, and bureaucrats who expanded their jobs and incomes. It is the opponents of "conspiracy" analysis who profess to believe that all events- at least in government -are random and unplanned, and that therefore people do not engage in purposive choice and planning."

"There are, of course, good conspiracy analysts and bad conspiracy analysts, just as there are good and bad historians or practitioners of any discipline. The bad conspiracy analyst tends to make two kinds of mistakes, which indeed leave him open to the Establishment charge of "paranoia." First, he stops with the cui bono; if measure A benefits X and Y, he simply concludes that therefore X and Y were responsible. He fails to realize that this is just a hypothesis, and must be verified by finding out whether or not X and Y really did so. (Perhaps the wackiest example of this was the British journalist Douglas Reed who, seeing that the result of Hitler's policies was the destruction of Germany, concluded, without further evidence, that therefore Hitler was a conscious agent of external forces who deliberately set out to ruin Germany.) Secondly, the bad conspiracy analyst seems to have a compulsion to wrap up all the conspiracies, all the bad guy power blocs, into one giant conspiracy. Instead of seeing that there are several power blocs trying to gain control of government, sometimes in conflict and sometimes in alliance, he has to assume - again without evidence - that a small group of men controls them all, and only seems to send them into conflict."

- Murray N. Rothbard "The Conspiracy Theory of History Revisited"

"Torture Technician: "You stole files from our computer. Just tell me what you've learned." The Question: "Topically applied fluoride doesn't prevent tooth decay. It does render teeth detectable by Spy Satellite!" Torture Technician: "Tell me what you know!" The Question: "The plastic tips at the ends of shoelaces are called aglets. Their true purpose is sinister."

Torture Technician: "Tell me what you know!"

The Question: "There was a magic bullet. It was forged by Illuminati mystics to prevent us from learning the truth!""

- Justice League Unlimited, "Question Authority"

"Zeke: "Look, I'm being serious man, now DARPA is the mother-load of black-ops crap. If she's in with those clowns, you better watch out, son." Cole: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, and Santa Claus shot J.F.K, now where are those drinks?""

- In Famous

""The powers that be are in fact watching you at all hours and tracking your every move, but only because they're hoping you'll slip on the ice and drop your groceries again.""

- The Onion

""If you closely analyze the explosions here, here, and here, you’ll notice that this is a controlled demolition. And if you take all segments and the first letter of each city that each segment was shot in, it spells out the word "CNHOS", which means nothing but it clearly reveals that the government has been infiltrated by The Illuminati, whose informant, as we all know, is none other than Chewbacca and the author of the third Harry Potter book, which alludes to an alien plot to destroy the world, but not just any alien, but this alien, this alien, and this alien. And who is the only human being who can save us from this Government Conspiracy? Nicolas Cage.""

- Ray William Johnson on this environmentalist ad in the episode aptly titled "Conspiracy Theory"