Homestuck/Characters/The Felt Two

Doc Scratch
A very mysterious gentleman whose goal is to bring about the end of the universe, thus summoning an omnipotent Eldritch Abomination. The First Guardian of Alternia and is thus extremely powerful and extremely intelligent. He was created by the trolls' Black Queen, using genetic code scribed unconsciously by the trolls as well as Vriska's magic cueball and a dimensionally displaced Lil' Cal.

Communicates in all white text, with perfect capitalization, punctuation, and grammar and rather formal diction, using no tags before his lines. ] This annoys Vriska to no end.

After the events of the Great Undoing, Doc Scratch dies and becomes Lord English inside the Green Sun.

"TT: And does this mean you are attracted to me?
 * Abusive Parents: As the Handmaid's father figure, and likewise towards Vriska.
 * Affably Evil: He casually tells Spades Slick to help himself to some candy before they continue their negotiations, which consists of Scratch beating him until Slick agrees to do what he wants.
 * Angrish: When he gets angry, his chat color changes from white to Text To Run Away From Really Fast.
 * Asexuality: Heavily implied, although not stated outright.

TT: Suddenly this conversation is kind of terrible.

]

]

]"

"]"
 * Badass Boast: "]"
 * A God I Am Not: "]"
 * Bait the Dog: DS is presented at first as a gentlemanly villian with a good sense of humer. Then we find out what he's been doing to the Handmaid.
 * Batman Gambit: States that his MO is to "nudge" people down routes that they would have taken anyway. Makes sense, considering the cue ball's goal is to 'nudge' the other pool balls into pockets...
 * The End of Act 5 proves that Scratch is the undisputed master, by volume if not by success. Each and every playable character, Jack Noirs included, were being set up in order to help him create the Green Sun, when everyone who knew about the Green Sun thought that they were trying to destroy it.
 * Instead of killing each other like he wanted, Slick and Snowman have a hatred-induced make out session with each other. When Doc Scratch intervened, he gave Slick the gun he ultimately used to kill Snowman anyway, showing that this was his intention all along.

"]"
 * Battle Aura: Acquires one when beating the ever-loving hell out of Spades Slick.
 * Sickly Green Glow
 * Berserk Button:
 * When he discovers that Vriska has one of his magic cueballs, he reacts... badly.
 * Also, when Slick destroys his clock.

"TC: that's all done motherfuckin white texted bro
 * Big Bad: Of Act 5, before his death.
 * The Blank: As The Felt's cueball, he has no facial features whatsoever.
 * Breaking the Fourth Wall: Suddenly and completely takes over as the narrator twice in the story. The text even becomes white to show this.
 * Brutal Honesty: Unlike Hussie, he doesn't screw around with wordplay or otherwise try to downgrade serious occurrences with comedy while narrating. His narration of what we would've seen if Disc Two wasn't damaged in his own words: Rose dies, John doesn't, the end.
 * The Chessmaster: Seems have been orchestrating all sorts of events from behind the scenes (most notably, the entire Green Sun incident). He even has models of Skaia on which he plays complex games.
 * The Coats Are Off: Planning to get physical with his guest Spades Slick, he removes his coat.
 * The Corrupter: He's one of these on a cosmic scale, manipulating sessions into guaranteed failure so he can warp them into twisted, sociopathic killing pens designed to produce "ideal" players...whose actions only create another failed session.
 * Cryptic Conversation: As befitting the cue ball's role of nudging things. "Don't turn your back on the body". WHICH BODY, Scratch? WHICH ONE?
 * Deadpan Snarker: Usually.
 * Death Seeker: His death is a necessary step in summoning Lord English.
 * Do Not Taunt Cthulhu: When he attempts to make amends with Vriska and implies that she will come across a monopoly of misfortune if she refuses, her only response is a torrent of childish insults. Rejected, he almost-outright states that Vriska will not survive the destruction her actions will cause. She didn't.
 * Given his omniscience and role in preserving the Alpha timeline, this may have been nothing more than an attempt to slip in a barb on Vriska. He knew she wouldn't act differently, and his job was to preserve the cascade of misfortune that brought about Lord English -- but he left her with the blame for it.
 * The Dragon: Of a sort to Lord English, even though we never see them together.
 * The Easy Way or The Hard Way: Presents this option to his guest, even though he knows it'll be the hard way.
 * Evil Mentor: He's the one who's responsible for post-Scratch Alternia's whole Crapsack World / The Spartan Way / The Empire thing through the use of Aradia's ancestor, as explained here.
 * Exact Words: His M.O. for conning his marks. None of his direct statements are lies (with occasional exception made in the short term for jokes) except by omission, but he leads others astray with implications, hypotheticals, and generally presenting just enough information to lead his listener to the wrong conclusion.
 * Expressive Cueball Head: Normally blank white, but sometimes it displays images.
 * Famous Last Words: S u c k e r s. A perfect summary of what just happened.
 * Fan Nickname: Before he was revealed, he was named White Text.
 * Foreshadowing: He always claimed to be a magnificent host.
 * Fourth Wall Observer: He knows the viewers have control over Homestuck through commands, not to mention he speaks directly to us. At one point, he even has the "disc" for Homestuck.
 * Friendly Enemy: To everyone to an extent, but especially Spades Slick.
 * Gambit Roulette: Justified - his plans can't fail, not because of their fiendish cleverness so much as the fact that anything which would deviate from the alpha timeline -- i.e. the one resulting in his creation and his death as Lord English's host -- creates an alternate timeline that is doomed to inevitable destruction. In other words, his plans are guaranteed success because You Can't Fight Fate.
 * Giggling Villain: "Haa Haa Hee Hee Hoo Hoo"
 * Hollywood Dress Code: Invokes The Mafia suspenders removing his jacket before beating his guest.
 * Hostile Show Takeover / Interface Screw: At one point he hijacks the entire story and the MSPA site is changed to reflect this, having a green color scheme. It's impossible to view the pages any other way as well. He also changes the site's banner to reflect the events in the room as they happen while the comic continues on.
 * Kansas City Shuffle: Virtually nobody trusts him, but everyone falls for his schemes.
 * Kick the Dog: His treatment of Aradia's ancestor definitely qualifies. Also a reminder to fans that he's not Affably Evil but Faux Affably Evil.
 * Killed Off for Real: Via his transformation into Lord English.
 * Living Weapon: Admits to being his master's weapon.
 * Made of Iron: Can literally not be harmed, so long as the Green Sun shines.
 * Manipulative Bastard: From the end-of-Act 5.2 flash [S] Cascade, when it's revealed that The Tumor doesn't destroy the Green Sun but creates/created it, that he tricked everyone into creating it, all technically without lying at all. Best summarized with his last words, to Gamzee:

TC: NOW WHAT?

(mystery text)

(mystery text)

TC: oh yeah?

TC: AND JUST WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK IS IT

TC: that we motherfuckin are?

TC: :o?

S u c k e r s."

"]"
 * Man in White: His pants and his coat are pure white, but his shirt and tie are different shades of green.
 * Man of Wealth and Taste: He's more or less analogous to a devil (and Hussie has even outright called him a Satan analogue), but he's still classy.
 * Meaningful Name: He existed in Alternia's post-Scratch timeline, but not in its pre-Scratch timeline. In other words, he was only created because of the Scratch.
 * Also compare to Old Scratch. "Doc" comes from Doc Holiday, from whom Andrew is also reportedly descended.
 * Mistaken for Pedophile: His conversation with Rose. He's quick to point out that, although he claims to enjoy the company of young ladies, every lady is young to a being millions of years old.
 * Hussie decided to make him come off as "a creeper," after he noticed that Scratch was always spending so much time with the girls and almost none with the boys, though, due to his nonbiological nature, he's not an actual pedophile. Still, it retroactively makes the scene where he distracts Aradia & Terezi funnier.
 * Mundane Utility: Hangs his coat on the map of Skaia.
 * Morally Ambiguous Doctorate
 * Names to Run Away From Really Fast: "Old Scratch" is one of many nicknames for Satan.
 * No Biological Sex: ]
 * No Holds Barred Beatdown: And he hopes that Spades Slick took it quite personally. BREAK. HEADS.
 * Not So Stoic: Edges toward this whenever the gaps in his omniscience are made apparent. Flipped the fuck out when he learned that Vriska had one of his magic cue balls. Also freaks out (although not nearly as much) at Snowman and Spades Slick's hate snog.
 * The Omnipotent: Combined with...
 * The Omniscient: Well, mostly omniscient. He admits that his understanding is limited to the alpha timeline, though if he comes across something he doesn't know naturally, he's usually able to figure it out pretty quick. He still needed Terezi to tell him how Vriska was coming so close to beating him in their games, and he seems to have a lot of trouble when it comes to Spades Slick.
 * Not So Omniscient After All: He also had a hole in his perception surrounding Equius's ancestor. It's unknown whether or not this is related to his (and his ancestor's presumable pre-scratch) role as the Heir of Void.
 * Only Known By Their Nickname: He indicates to Slick that "Doc Scratch" is just a nickname.
 * Percussive Maintenance: When the narrow fenestrated wall displays Spades Slick and Snowman's hate snog, he stats banging it to change the view.
 * Physical God: He and the other First Guardians (like Becquerel) are near omnipotent. Because Scratch was also created with a prophetic cue ball, he's nearly omniscient as well.
 * Punny Name: Scratch is a pool term for pocketing a cue ball. Extends to Sburb too, as the term "Scratch" is used for a hard reset of a game.
 * Stealth Pun: Scratch is around 600 million years old, making him Old Scratch.
 * As he often implied: ]
 * Red Oni Blue Oni: Blue to Lord English's red.
 * Relationship Sabotage: Auspisticizes between Slick and Snowman, as seen here.
 * Revolvers Are Just Better: Has one, and a holster to put it in.
 * Schizo Tech: Uses a typewriter to communicate with the trolls, who are using an online chat client.
 * Sharp Dressed Cueball Puppet
 * Shout Out: Partially one to the Slender Man Mythos, but aside from being evil faceless functionally omniscient sharply dressed men who have a special attraction to children, they don't have much in common. Scratch for one is only 4 feet tall and prefers talking to people or manipulating them as opposed to stalking them.
 * Smug Super: The fact that he calls everyone who isn't omniscient "suckers" should clue you in.
 * Super Strength: There goes a perfectly good horse hitcher.
 * Technical Pacifist: A villainous example, in that he makes it a point not to kill anybody himself, but has no qualms against having others kill for him, even going so far as to equip Slick with a gun so he can shoot Snowman.

"Haa haa.
 * Thanatos Gambit: His death is the final step necessary for summoning Lord English, who bursts out of his corpse.
 * Theme Naming: Like Lord English, his name is a billiards term.
 * Time Abyss: He's almost as old as Alternia.
 * Troll: Juuuuuust a bit. For example, after misleading the reader to the identity of his houseguest:

Hee hee.

Hoo hoo.]"

"I play with my cards face up.
 * And then there's mean mind game he plays on Karkat where he tells him never to turn his back on the bodies -- shortly before a few of them go missing.
 * Villains Never Lie:

Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win?]"


 * He later adds that he usually doesn't lie, except at short to middle term for the purpose of a joke or a prank. Note that he only considers it a lie if you don't find out.
 * It should also be noted that in his chessmaster actions, he never actually lied at all. Rose just assumed they meant the same things. He even pointed this out to Rose specifically.
 * He also doesn't count lies of omission as lies: he can't tell you everything, it would take too long. From his perspective, it's not his fault if you're asking the wrong questions.
 * Weaksauce Weakness: He'll turn limp and lifeless if Andrew Hussie is around; because he's only a puppet.
 * Wicked Cultured: Types in a very sophisticated manner, wears a dashing suit, and lives in an elegant English-style home.

Lord English
The enigmatic leader of The Felt. An omnipotent, time-traveling demon who appears at the end of the universe, emerging from Doc Scratch's body, killing him. Of course, given that he can travel through time, only showing up at the end of the universe is hardly an inconvenience. He's already here.


 * Badass Longcoat: His massive CAIRO OVERCOAT. Which has a double as a time traveling sarcophagus.
 * Bad Boss: He cares very little for the Felt and his manifestation in the universe kills his Dragon.
 * Be Careful What You Wish For / Jackass Genie / Literal Genie: As explained here.
 * Big Bad: As far as the Midnight Crew was concerned, what with him being boss of The Felt.
 * The Man Behind the Man: Is the boss of Doc Scratch, who manipulated the entire series to ensure English's summoning.
 * Bigger Bad: To Jack Noir, Doc Scratch, and Betty Crocker all, though he has yet to directly interact with the protagonists.
 * Bling Bling Bang: His pimp cane turns into a gold-plated assault rifle with a laser sight and strobing ammo clip.

"LE is many things. A time traveling crime lord pimp. An omnipotent, indestructible puppet-based demon. A monster born out of an ancient, short, smug, cueball-headed gunslinger, the blight of two universes by his birth alone. An Egyptian pharaoh Incredible Hulk in shredded pants and suspenders with a green Jigsaw puppet-like skull for head, a gold fang, and flashing pool balls for eyes. And with his gold cuestick pegleg and long coat, appears to also be somewhat reminiscent of a pirate, and may or may not bear some tenuous connection to Skipper Plumbthroat, nemesis of all Squiddles, who have been clearly shown to be friendly cartoon-standins for the dark gods."
 * Call Back: To WV and CD talking to their kids. Invokes Bread Eggs Milk Squick as it quickly turns nightmarish.
 * English is basically an enormous demonic Lil Cal with flashing billiard-ball eyes... which is exactly how Hussie told Cal to dress.
 * Taken farther; during Scratch's conversation with Rose, Hussie outright showed the cue ball and a lizard in a Green Sun robe inside English's coat.
 * Word of God is that Doc and English together are Gamzee's mirthful messiahs.
 * Lord English emerges from Doc Scratch's puppet body, much like how a Fiduspawn emerges from a host plush.
 * Doc Scratch has often referred to himself as an excellent host.
 * Mythology Gag: His pimp cane/rifle has the same weapon/object duality as Kanaya's lipstick/chainsaw and as many, many objects in Problem Sleuth.
 * Dangerously Genre Savvy: Taking to exaggerated levels. Rather than confronting any of the protagonists, he goes after the author.
 * Diabolical Mastermind/Retroactive Preparation: Because he can time-travel, he sets up all the necessary requirements for his own summoning.
 * The Dreaded
 * Eldritch Abomination: Lord English is not only a mob boss, but also an indestructible time-traveling demon, summoned at the end of the universe. His eyes are rapidly flashing pool balls. The rest of his body is not any less disconcerting.
 * Evil Counterpart: To the Genesis Frog / Bilious Slick. Just as the Genesis Frog is the Speaker of the Vast Croak at the beginning of the universe, Lord English is the Speaker of the Vast Honk at its end.
 * Sort of one to Doc Scratch (the difference, of course, is that they're both evil); while Doc is affable and enjoys humor, English is violent and stoic.
 * The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You: In-universe, English actually appears behind the fourth wall.
 * Gambit Roulette: See Zany Scheme. Justified due to Time Travel and Stable Time Loops.
 * Genius Bruiser: We haven't seen him plan yet, but from what we know, he's quite intelligent. He is also very large.
 * Grim Reaper: Inspired the version in troll mythology.
 * Gross Up Close Up: His face may look goofy when it is viewed from afar, but when you see it close up... Well, let's just say it's far from pretty.
 * Handicapped Badass: When he emerges, he has a peg-leg styled after a billiard cuestick.
 * Hero Killer: Normal Hero Killers kill other characters. Lord English kills the author of the story.
 * He Who Must Not Be Seen/Hidden Villain: His first appearance was after Act 5. Prior to that, he was The Ghost; we only knew his title and only got to see his coat and eyes.
 * All of his appearances so far have been during intermissions, and in places nowhere near the protagonists (the stuff in Jake's room notwithstanding).
 * Humanoid Abomination: He has massive claws and his head is basically a giant skull.
 * Kick the Dog: attacks Ms. Paint.
 * Large and In Charge: He's built like The Hulk, and his massive CAIRO OVERCOAT is way too big for most of the characters to wear without looking extremely silly.
 * Large Ham: On the odd occasions he speaks.
 * Leitmotif: English, used in the second Intermission.
 * Lord British Postulate: He's rumored to be killable only through a number of glitches and exploits in space-time.
 * Magic Pants: Just like the Incredible Hulk.
 * Magic Wand: Has a scepter or cane similar to the White and Black Kings. The difference is that the scepter is gold, while the top is flashing multiple colors and is sometimes replaced with an image of the Green Sun. Also, it's bottom is a pool cue.
 * Swiss Army Weapon: Can change into a golden assault rifle.
 * Monster Modesty: Still wearing the torn remnants of Doc's pants.
 * Names the Same: There's been a lot of confusion with Lord British in terms of name origin. Andrew later made the association meaningful.
 * Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: According to Hussie:


 * No Indoor Voice / Voice of the Legion: Lord English's alt text is gigantic.
 * No Shirt Long Jacket
 * Offscreen Teleportation: He is already here. (Showing up unexpectedly is kind of his schtick.)
 * The Omnipotent: See Physical God below.
 * Only Known By Their Nickname: According to Doc Scratch, 'Lord English' is just a title he goes by.
 * Phrase Catcher: "He is already here," and variants thereof.
 * Physical God: The most powerful character on-record in the comic; he combines both the time powers of the Felt with the reality warping of the First Guardians. The only thing he lost was Scratch's Omniscience due to the Cue Ball breaking when he emerged from Scratch.
 * Pimp Duds: His CAIRO OVERCOAT. In fitting with the trope, he often enslaves and empowers women to do his dirty work, such as Snowman, the Condesce, and the Handmaid.
 * Punny Name: A reference to a type of spin used on a cue ball.
 * His CAIRO OVERCOAT is a pun on CHICAGO OVERCOAT, Mobster slang for a coffin. Its object double is a sarcophagus.
 * Rage Against the Author: In Act 6 Intermission 2 he appears behind the fourth wall with Hussiebot's head. Later he shoots Hussie with an assault rifle.
 * Red Herring: The trolls referring to an indestructible demon destroying their session suggested to readers that Lord English was responsible for it. This was deliberate misdirection; Word of God actually calls him a "red herring villain in that session to deter speculation."
 * Red Oni Blue Oni: Red to Scratch's blue.
 * Shrouded in Myth: Very few characters have seen him. It's therefore surprising when Grandma English displays knowledge of what he looks like.
 * Shrug of God: There's a lot of ambiguity about what exactly English even is; whether being an omnipotent version of Doc Scratch (retaining his personality), an external entity that possessed Doc's corpse, or a general term for a natural stage that any First Guardian reaches, and those are just the most widely accepted theories. Hussie has avoided clarifying this.
 * The Un Reveal: No, he's not actually Andrew Hussie.
 * And then again, when he actually does appear. All we see are his eyes.
 * Who Names Their Kid Dude:


 * Would Hit a Girl: "CANE!"
 * Zany Scheme: Ties in with Finagles Law in that everything bad that has happened to our heroes is ultimately the result of Lord English's meddling. Crappy Troll society? Lord English. Omnipotent, omnicidal opponent who destroys the universe? Lord English. Queen who destroys her universe upon death? Lord English. Betty Crocker from space? You'd better believe it's Lord English.

Her Imperious Condescension / The Condesce / Betty Crocker / B2 Queen of Derse
Also known as "the Baroness" and "the Batterwitch." In the original pre-scratch universe she was Colonel Sassacre's wife and the adoptive mother/grandmother of Grandpa Harley and Nanna Egbert. Although John says Sassacre was Nanna's grandfather, Nanna refers to Sassacre and Crocker as her parents. She disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

In universe B2, she started a multi-global Mega Corp empire that is designated to be inherited by her great-great-granddaughter Jane Crocker (the post-Scratch incarnation of Nanna). Although presumed to be deceased, she is in fact controlling humanity through subliminal messaging.

She is eventually revealed the Troll Empress in the service of Lord English, not that everyone didn't know already. She briefly shaped events on pre-scratch Earth before disappearing in an unknown fashion and arriving on post-scratch Earth. It is known however that she has somehow entered the B2 Session and became the new queen of Derse. In the future of B2 Earth, she has also openly taken over and flooded the planet.

Universal Tropes

 * Anarchy Is Chaos: The Draconian Dignitary says that she "seem[s] to revel in anarchy." However, as an iron-fisted tyrant, she's anything but a classical anarchist, reveling mostly in ruling over a broken and bloody social order.
 * Anime Hair: Actually becomes her Distinguishing Mark, see below.
 * Rapunzel Hair
 * Uncatty Resemblance: Her mane of hair, when viewed from the side, is a dead ringer for Gl'bgoylb.
 * Asskicking Equals Authority
 * Big Bad: Of Act 6 thus far, though given that she's still in service of Lord English, presumably he'll prove to be the Bigger Bad or The Man Behind the Man.
 * Chekhov's Gunman/Chekhov's Boomerang:
 * Betty Crocker was first mentioned as John's arch nemesis here when John discovers that Fruit Gushers are a Betty Crocker product and flips out. It is later revealed that she was Nanna Egbert and Grandpa Harley's adoptive mother, and that Grandpa Harley inherited her business empire. Then Nannasprite tells a story in which it's revealed that she vanished without a trace, had many unspecified terrible secrets, and wasn't human.
 * Her Imperious Condescension was first mentioned here in a description of Feferi's status. Andrew on the forum mentioned that she potentially survived the Vast Glub . Then in Act 5 she appears on panel and is confirmed to be Feferi's Ancestor. It is then revealed that she did survive the Vast Glub and is further implied to have become Betty Crocker.
 * And now she's usurped the Black Queen and taken over Derse in the post-scratch Session.
 * The Chessmaster: Her company sent Dave the Miracles Video two years before it would even exist, which Dave would later send to Gamzee, who would go on a rage-filled murder spree, and who also ended up causing the Universe Cancer to go terminal and creating Li'l Cal and Doc Scratch. All that with a single video.
 * Justifed in that she serves Lord English who is all about convoluted plans.
 * Just to drive the point home, she becomes the queen of Derse in the post-scratch session.
 * Combo Platter Powers: Time magic, Immortality, Mind control, the vast resources of Alternian science, and being really good with her Weapon of Choice.
 * Revealed to have done 'experiments' on herself, adding moreso to her powers. While she herself has some 'life' related powers, She was given Clockwork Magyyks by Lord English. The added powers revealed so far include those of a Gemini Troll (Telekinesis), Taurus Troll (Animal control) and a Scorpio Troll (Mind Control). These powers portray themselves as a blinking zodiac symbol in her tiara.
 * The Corrupter: To Jane, post-scratch Earth, and possibly the entire post-scratch Session by becoming the queen of B2 Derse.
 * The Dog Was the Mastermind: Both Betty Crocker and Her Imperious Condescension were mentioned a few times but initially seemed to have no importance to the story whatsoever. Then Nanna said Betty Crocker wasn't human, and the rest spiraled from there.
 * Evil Is Petty: She ordered humanity to stop reproducing - with Subliminal Seduction no less - apparently because she finds human sex Squicky.
 * Evil Overlord
 * The Faceless: Averted, her eyes are shown and she is shown out of her profile when she is revealed to be the new Black Queen.
 * Good Powers Bad People: She has mild Life powers, which contribute to her longevity.
 * She also has time magic, apparently taken from the Handmaid.
 * I Have Many Names: About six.
 * No Name Given: Yet all of them are titles or pseudonyms. Her true name is still unknown, though Aranea refers to her as by the name of her alternate, Meenah Peixes.
 * Power Copying: Stole the Handmaid's time magjycks and unlocked Mind Manipulation abilities that allow her to control animals and people.
 * All Your Powers Combined: Has all the psychic powers of the Troll Kids.
 * Power Glows: She has the same time magjyck aura that the Handmaid had.
 * Tangled Family Tree: She is the direct genetic Ancestor of Feferi. She is also the adoptive mother to Nanna Egbert and Grandpa Harley, making her John and Jade's great-grandmother. Given the Troll's Ancestors are actually their genetic descendants, Feferi is John and Jade's great-great-grandmother through adoption. And just to make things more confusing, she's also described as B2 John's grandmother and Jane's great-great-grandmother.
 * Wicked Witch: Described as one in two of her identities.

As the Condesce

 * The Ark: Before departing for Earth, the Condesce gathered thousands of endangered species from her homeworld and loaded them into a "red space ark", apparently in order to repopulate them.
 * Bling of War: As the Condesce, she's decked out head to toe in jewelry and wields a fancy golden double trident. She continues the tradition as the Black Queen of Derse, with the addition of the Prototyping Ring (though as a simple, plain gold band it's barely a drop in the ocean on top of the rest of her bling).
 * The Caligula: Went mad as the result of repeated botched attempts to recreate her old empire "in all its convoluted symbiotic glory." The Condesce ends up taking out her frustrations on humankind, of course.
 * Challenging the Chief: How she got the position.
 * Cool Starship: The Condesce's flagship, the Battleship Condescension.
 * Duel to The Death: With the Handmaid
 * Evil Counterpart: To Feferi.
 * Evilutionary Biologist: When her original plans to repopulate her race went bust, she resorted to experimenting with splicing human and Earthling DNA.
 * Fluffy Tamer: Glb'golyb being the Fluffy.
 * Four Eyes Zero Soul
 * God Save Us From the Queen: Her Imperious Condescension is a pretty horrendous ruler. She flies around the universe, cordially greeting new civilizations, and leaves her vast armies to rip them apart after she leaves. She's mentioned early on as seriously wanting to kill Feferi to avoid having to compete with her for the throne, and it's mentioned later that she's fought and killed a number of potential successors in the past, giving them equal terms in battle only because her lusus demanded it.
 * She also ran humanity into the ground by trying to integrate troll aspects into their society. She did not give a shit about this.
 * Immortality Begins At Twenty
 * Living Forever Is Awesome: Right up until the Troll Empire was wiped out at least... but she seems to have her hands full on Earth and Derse.
 * Meaningful Initials: The Battleship Condescension, a giant red fork to a certain batterwitch's big red spoon... and big red fork.
 * More Teeth Than the Osmond Family: Has adult-sized versions of Feferi's pointed teeth, and shows them off at any opportunity.
 * Names to Run Away From Really Fast
 * Orcus On His Throne: The Condesce does all her delegating from her ship off in deep space. Her connection with her psychic lusus allows her to threaten entire castes of trolls with total extinction if they don't obey her.
 * Slasher Smile: The Condesce is rarely depicted without a smug/sinister, shark-like grin.
 * X Meets Y: Dirk sums up her powers as "all the X-Men combined into one sexy fish woman in a skin tight suit."
 * You Kill It You Bought It: The Condesce defeated The Handmaid, and then serves Lord English in her place.

As Betty Crocker
""THE HEINOUS BATTERWITCH HAS HER GNARLED CLAWS IN EVERYTHING. What do Gushers have to do with baked goods anyway??""
 * Betty Crocker Was An Alien Spy: Her Imperious Condescension has an iron grip (with a healthy dosage of Subliminal Seduction) on post-Scratch Earth as Betty Crocker, who has taken over most facets of society.
 * Evil Mentor
 * Expospeak Gag: B2!Crockercorp properties such as Olive Garden "Feeding Chamber" and Bac-Os "simulated livestock flakes."
 * Expy: Pretty much serves the same role as Doc Scratch did on Alternia, but she's a bit more heavy handed with the manipulation.
 * Also arguably to Snowman, as exiled royalty that adopts another identity in the service of Lord English.
 * She is arguably similar to Glb'golyb in the sense that she's an alien being not of this universe that is enforcing the social order.
 * Historical Villain Upgrade: More like Unhistorical Villain Upgrade: in Real Life Betty Crocker wasn't a villain because she never existed, she was a character made up by the Washburn Crosby Milling Company in 1921. Or is that just what we're supposed to believe?
 * Legally Dead: She vanished without a trace, Grandpa Harley inherited her business empire. It's implied that she went to Universe B2. She disappeared there under mysterious circumstances, and by the modern day is considered even by Jane to be just a mascot.
 * Kick the Dog: Killed B2 Halley just to spite the infant Grandma and Poppop. It ended up propelling Grandma to become the first member of La Résistance against her.
 * Mass Hypnosis/Subliminal Seduction: Betty Crocker products in universe B2 carry sinister subliminal messages telling users to obey and consume, to cease reproduction and die, and to stay asleep.
 * They bear a resemblance to similar messages from the movie They Live.
 * Eventually she proceeds to invade Earth directly.
 * Mega Corp: Type 1 in universe B2. Crockercorp owns not just everything that the real-world General Mills owns or has once owned (e.g. Olive Garden) but is also involved in software, computer hardware, space colonization, and Gushers.


 * It's also implied that Crockercorp installed Guy Fieri (of all people) as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
 * It's probably a Stealth Pun as his name is greatly similar to Feferi's.
 * Averted in the pre-scratch universe where Grandpa Harley inherited the business after she vanished and turned it to more benign means.
 * Pet the Dog: She did marry two iterations of Colonel Sassacre, which doesn't seem to be important to her agenda.
 * Psychic Powers: She's used technology to copy the psychic powers of several of the lower castes, including Sollux's, Vriska's, and Tavros's.
 * Sadist Teacher: To Nanna.
 * Sigil Spam: The Betty Crocker logo appears in a few odd places in the pre-scratch universe, like Jade's dream robot, but the trope fully comes into effect in universe B2 where Betty Crocker is a Mega Corp with its claws in everything from baked goods to software to space colonization.
 * And then on 2X3PRONG DAY, the Betty Crocker spoon turns into the Battleship Condescension fork...
 * Theme Naming: "Baroness" follows the pattern of the Troll Ancestors' eight letter names. "Batterwitch" alludes to Feferi's (and presumably, her) Sgrub title, Witch of Life.
 * The Un Reveal: All we know is that she wasn't human.
 * At this point it's been all but outright stated that she's the Condesce, acting as Lord English's right-hand witch.
 * And it was fully confirmed with style as Jane entered.
 * Villain With Good Publicity
 * Villain World: Post-scratch Earth seems to be this, under her control. In the future she rules openly.
 * Wicked Stepmother: To Nanna and Grandpa when they were kids, and presumably to Poppop and Grandma.

As the Queen of Derse

 * Chess Motifs: Her company's heavy use of red plays into her role of usurping the Black Queen, as red is often used interchangeably with black in traditional chess sets. (See also Alice in Wonderland.)
 * Dangerously Genre Savvy: Killing the dreamselves of the kids before the story begins.
 * Distinguishing Mark: Her Anime Hair. The first clue we have of her becoming the new Queen of Derse is Courtyard Droll mentioning the new Queen's grand and luxurious fluffy hair...which he thinks is a hat (though hair is a foreign concept to carapace people).
 * Right Hand Cat: It's GCat.
 * You Kill It You Bought It: Implied.

> Go Back > Return to main page