Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (novel)/Funny

""Welcome! Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you!""
 * "Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on."
 * Dumbledore's pre-banquet speech:

""Don't cry, Ginny. We'll send you loads of owls.—" "We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat!" "GEORGE!" "Only joking, Mum.""
 * It's a small one, but nonetheless the scene where Hagrid is in Gringotts and reaches into his pocket to find Harry's key, only to come up with a bunch of dog biscuits counts.
 * The Weasley Twins at the beginning.

""Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea." "Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once-" "Or twice-" "A minute-" "All summer-""
 * Also:

"From inside the crate came ripping noises that sounded to Harry as though the teddy was having his head torn off."
 * After Hagrid tells Harry and Hermione that he's given Norbert a teddy bear:

"Dumbledore: "I believe your friends Misters Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a lavatory seat. No doubt they thought it would amuse you. Madam Pomfrey, however, thought it might not be very hygienic, and confiscated it.""
 * Realizing that in the first book, Fred and George jinxed snowballs to hit Quirrell's turban, and that they were unknowingly smacking Voldemort in the face!!
 * Dumbledore's Chocolate Frog card "Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and ten pin bowling."
 * This Brick Joke:


 * Jim Dale singing "Hoggy Warty Hogwarts" for the audiobook of Philosopher's Stone.
 * "While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favorite subjects. This morning, it was motorcycles."
 * Jim Dale singing "Hoggy Warty Hogwarts" for the audiobook of Philosopher's Stone.