Unseen Academicals/Funny

"Vetinari: I would just like a couple of people to take him back to his home. I would like them to put him to bed and see that no trouble comes to him. Perhaps they ought to stay with him until morning too, because he just might try to commit suicide when he wakes up."
 * The entire  scene. The fact that Vetinari's character is just ever so slightly off-key leads up to a reveal which truly deserves a CMOF.
 * Especially when someone completely and utterly pissed out of his mind tries to pat him on the back. Vetinari catches his hand in midair and reveals an encyclopedic knowledge of the man's football team's standing. After which the guy passes out.

"Rincewind: Permission to go and find my mother?"
 * Rincewind trying to get out of football practice:

"When dragons belch, and hippos flee,
 * The Bengo Macarona football chant, adjusted (at Macarona's insistence) to include all his academic appointments and titles. An Overly Long Gag as well, since after a couple repetitions the list has gone on for two pages. Worth slogging through if you like puns.
 * Also a moment of Fridge Brilliance once you realize the length of the Macarona chant is surely tweaked to make the "You Think It's All Over" gag at the end of the book paginate properly.
 * When they are discussing the offside rule, the football captains can't make sense of it. Funny, because in real life, even many hardcore football fans don't fully understand it.
 * Glenda's reaction to Mr. Nutt's botched attempt at flattery is to excuse herself, then march off to the library and demand "I need to see a dictionary of embarrassing words beginning with F!"
 * The Anhk-Morpork anthem:

My thoughts, Anhk-Morpork, are of thee,

Let others boast of martial dash,

For we have boldly fought with cash,

We own all your helmets, we own all your shoes,

We own all your generals--touch us and you'll lose.

Morporkia! Morporkia! Morporkia owns the day,

We can rule you wholesale. Touch us and you'll pay."

"We can rule you wholesale, credit where it's due!
 * The second verse is only one line, because the writers knew that was all the people'd remember:

Nyer ner ner nyer, nyer ner ner...

(And so on.)"

"Rincewind: The librarian will have some bananas.
 * Mr. Nutt's final bit of training for the team has the team go without dinner, causing them to scramble together to find any food they can including a piece of cheese from a mouse trap and some of Macarona's Grandmother's Reheatable Pasta (with alligator testicle), and some of the Librarian's bananas:

Macarona: Are you sure?

Rincewind: I think the Librarian has a motto in these cases: "If you try to take my bananas from me, I will reclaim them from your cold dead hands.""

""Dear Archchancellor", I just didn't have the heart. Mrs. Whitlow""
 * Also Ridcully trying to ignore the fast and the tobacco ban, only to find Mrs. Whitlow the maid emptied his tobacco jar and cool cupboard(read: Discworld-equivlent of a mini-fridge), his emergency peppermints hidden in his jacket and finally his secret stash contained in a book, only to find another note along with his stash:

"Ridcully: Change and decay! I am surrounded by traitors!""
 * Also his reactions to it, starting with a fairly calm "bugger", but after he finds his peppermints are missing:

"Pepe: I'll drink water when fish climb out of it to take a piss, but thank you all the same."
 * Pepe's thoughts on drinking water when Glenda offers him some water when he asks for a drink:

"Glang: That was my... my grandfather's name."
 * After shaming the dwarf merchant Glang, Trev and Nutt demonstrate their ball to him, complete with its perfect *gloing* sound as it bounces.

"Macarona seems to be very adept at handling the ball.
 * During the book, Macarona is revealed to be gay during an awkward speech when Stibens tries to explain. Later, during football practice Macarona shows to be adept at it. We get this gem.

Ridcully: I'm not surprised."