The Very Secret Diaries

The Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire are a comical retelling of the Lord of the Rings films in diary form, in the rough style of the Bridget Jones books.

""I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit.""
 * Color-Coded Wizardry: In addition to the canonical The Lord of the Rings colored wizards, Saruman is corresponding with Manfred the Slightly Ecru. He also grumbles about having decided to be the White, as it makes his laundry more difficult.
 * Cool and Unusual Punishment: Sauron forces Gollum to watch bad movies.
 * Dead Fic: Abandoned in the middle of The Two Towers.
 * Diary
 * Did I Just Say That Out Loud?: Sam wonders this after thinking/writing "Mr. Frodo far too hot to die."
 * Either World Domination or Something About Bananas: Legolas mutters something Elvish to Aragorn that might be "You're late," or possibly "Throw me down and shag me rotten."
 * Everyone Is Gay: Except possibly Gimli.
 * Noodle Implements: Merry's carrot. Gandalf's pointy hat.
 * Oblivious to Love: Frodo is oblivious to just about everyone's love for most of his diary, as he believes that everyone is after the Ring. He runs off to Mordor when he figures it out.
 * Overly Narrow Superlative: Legolas makes Pippin say he's the prettiest elf in the Fellowship; Pippin diplomatically doesn't point out that he's the only elf in the Fellowship.
 * Running Gag; Sam will kill anyone who tries anything with Frodo.
 * Stupid Sexy Flanders: Boromir to Aragorn.


 * Terse Talker: Is v. much the style everyone writes in. Because it parodies Bridget Jones.
 * Thirty Minutes or It's Free: Theoden orders Wormtongue from a minion-delivery service that promises a free orc if the minion doesn't arrive within ninety minutes.