Fr/Canada, Eh?



" Ils vivent tous sur les beignes et la viande d'orignal  et ils quittent la maison sans emballage thermique Ne jamais même apporter leurs armes au centre commercial! "

- "Weird Al" Yankovic, "L'Idiotte Canadien", eh?

Dans les médias américains, le Canada est une version sucrée, excentrique et légèrement vers l'arrière de l'Amérique, eh? Ce est comme si vous avez pris tout le monde de Minnesota, leur a donné une obsession le hockey (OK,  plus  d'une obsession), et a fait ce que tout un pays, eh? Tout le monde est blanc (sauf les Premières nations), eh, et tout le monde qui ne est pas française a un nom écossais, eh?

Canada se compose essentiellement de cinq parties distinctes, hein:


 * Toronto: essentiellement Chicago, mais propre, eh? New York, mais plus petit, eh? Pas vraiment la capitale nationale, en dépit du fait de nombreux étrangers pensent que ce est, eh? Ce est en fait la province capitale de l'Ontario, eh?
 *  'Le Grand Nord Woods' : rempli de trappeurs, bûcherons (qui d'habitudesont bien), treacherous squaws, moose, beavers, and hommes de la montagne, all of them named Pierre (even the girl), and all of them wearing flannel and furs (except in some cases), eh?
 * The Atlantic region: basically Maine but even colder, eh? Full of flannel-wearing fishermen with funny accents falling somewhere between Irish, Scottish, and Pirate, eh?
 * Quebec, full of artsy, stuck up French-types who hate the people in the other parts and other Frenchmen. Abandoned by France in favour of the Caribbean, but who wouldn't, ostie?
 * The Arctic, full of igloos, playful polar bears and parka-wearing Inuit, quite possibly penguins, and of course cute little baby seals... at least until the polar bears and people find them. Which is awesome, eh?

Keep in mind that Canada, Eh? has no West Coast (besides all of British Columbia), no Prairies (besides a fairly large hunk of the middle of the country), and certainly no punishingly hot weather (except for Vancouver). The hot weather stops right aboot at the border (unless it presents a passport), eh!

For more simple-minded types, Canada consists of two parts, eh?:
 * Toronto: Icy hellhole, eh? Full of maple syrup, French people, moose, beavers, Moonties (who are Paul Gross clones) and people who say eh, eh?
 * Not Toronto: Icier hellhole, eh? More syrup, French people, moose, beavers, Moonties (again, clones) and people who say eh, eh? And frequently called Moose Jaw, Flin Flon, Dildo, Swastika, Asbestos, and so on, eh?

Eeeeeh, Canadians eat nothing but Kraft Dinner (which is Canadian for "macaroni and cheese"), Tim Hortons, donuts, poutine, and Canadian back bacon, eh? Anglophone Canadians all speak with a stereotyped West/Central Canadian English accent, putting "eh" at the end of questions or affirmations, and prominently raising the "ou" in aboot every word containing it, eh?

Our army consists of a guy with a BB gun mounted on a moose, our air force a paper airplane. Never forget, eh!, and our navy a guy in a canoe with a slingshot, eh?

All policemen are Mounties, and they wear their red serge dress tunics and broad-brimmed Montana Peak hats constantly while on regular duty, eh?

Canadian technology is always behind American tech, eh? In fact, if it wasn't for the Americans we'd have no culture at all, eh?

Feel free to whack me over the head with a hockey stick, eh? And doon't feel soarry aboot it, eh!

Useful Notes about non-fictional Canada now has its own page, eh?

Also see Canada Does Not Exist, eh, and Minnesota Nice for the American equivalent.