Designated Hero/Quotes

"It is a dark time: far to the north, the gate of chaos has opened once more. Archaon, Lord of End Times, had waged his insane war on the civilized world, although he was beaten back at the last moment, Chaos is still prevalent throughout the land: Beasts ravage the countryside, Mutation and Insanity are rife. Heroes are needed, heroes who will beat back the darkness, heroes the like of which who have better things to do than to save inbred, misbegotten peasants like these."

"So, you lot will have to do. May the lords of ruination spare your souls."

- Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay

"Legolas: We defeated a balrog, you know.

DM: You didn't defeat it.

Legolas: Well, we faced a balrog.

DM: You ran away from it!

Legolas: Okay, fine. We were near a balrog. For several seconds.

DM: Wow, you guys must be so proud. Maybe you guys can find a bard and have your story of heroic balrog proximity put into verse."

- The DM of the Rings, "Deeds of Legend"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck on. Medusa was a woman who turned down the sexual advances of a god, who then raped her, which caused another god to put a curse on her that turns anyone to stone when they look at her. Now we’re going to track down this poor woman who did nothing wrong and just wants to be left alone, then cut off her fucking head to use it as a weapon? There were like fifty writers on this screenplay and nobody realized the main characters are total wangholes?"

- The Editing Room, Clash of the Titans: The Abridged Script

""We need someone who can look into this ... someone brave and fearless who can get the job done! But all we have is Crash, so he'll have to do."

- Aku Aku, Crash Bandicoot Purple: Ripto's Rampage

"I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man."

- The Stranger, The Big Lebowski

"...Ladies and Gentlemen? Our hero."

- Kippurbird, capping off a keyboard-smashing rage upon reading chapter seven of Brisingr.

"Beating people up in little room... he knew where that led. And if you did it for a good reason, you'd do it for a bad one. You couldn't say "we're the good guys" and do bad-guy things."

- Thud, Terry Pratchett.

"I'm starting to wonder which side is supposed to be the bad guys..."

- Haken, Endless Frontier

"According to a loose enough definition of 'hero', we qualify. Well, more or less. The point is that good deeds were done and we were nearby."

- Red Mage, "We Could Be Heroes"

"SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: You see, Mickey Rourke hates you because his dad used to work with your dad. But while your dad had noble goals of progress, Rourke’s dad wanted to make a profit..

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.: Well progress is nice, but it’s hard to fault an inventor for wanting to make money off his work..

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: So naturally your dad fired the guy, used their invention to become a multi-millionaire himself, and had him deported back to Russia where he died in poverty. Now his son wants revenge..

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.: I see. And we’re sure he’s the bad guy and not me, right?"

- Iron Man 2: The Abridged Script

"Dupre: Well, twenty seconds in this place and I already hate it.

Steve the Avatar: You guys just have to have the right perspective on this. We're in a new world! A new place! A world where nobody knows us. A world whose problems we aren't indirectly responsible for. A world not full of the vengeful ghosts of our dead relatives and lovers. A world we probably won't destroy. Do you understand what this means?

Iolo: You'll finally stop-

Steve: Nobody's gonna see it coming."

- Let's Play Ultima VII Part II: Serpent Isle

""This has to be the most selfish, male-dependant, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, idiotic, whining little bitch-bag you will ever see in your entire life! And honestly, that wouldn't be too bad a character, that'd be very, very interesting IF IT WAS INTENTIONAL.""

- The Nostalgia Critic, on Bella Swan

""What kind of hero goes around punching women in the face?""

- Mike Mattei, Street Fighter commentary

""And so our brave hero roasts the disabled man!""

- Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Space Mutiny

""Why is the main character even going after the Black Knight in the first place? For all I know, he's just pissed off that the country is less dependent on foreign imports, while the country's GDP has increased by 20 percent over the last five years!""

- Urinating Tree on the protagonist from Dark Castle

""If we are to survive, a new balance must be found. In normal times, evil would be fought by good. But in times like these, well, it should be fought by another kind of evil.""

- Opening narration to The Chronicles of Riddick

""'...and then Jack chopped down the beanstalk, adding murder and ecological vandalism to the theft, enticement and tresspass charges already mentioned, but he got away with it and lived Happily Ever After without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done. Which proves that you can be excused just about anything if you're a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.'""

- ''Susan Sto Helit's "translated" version of Jack and the Beanstalk, Hogfather, Terry Pratchett

""Despite their moniker of "Earth's Mightiest Heroes" they do not enjoy the same popularity or respect as other teams. It's not surprising when you remember the team includes Thor, a god worshiped by marauding rapist barbarians; Giant Man, a wife beater; Iron Man, an alcoholic; and a certain green monster only famous for losing his shit and punching down buildings on a daily basis. And those are the famous guys. Makes you think Captain America only joined them to keep an eye on them.""

- Cracked; The Five Creepiest Sex Scenes in Comics.