All the Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Vows

Extensions to the Evil Overlord List. They're written by the editors here, so don't expect sanity.

Sanity may not be expected, but remember... DANGEROUSLY GENRE SAVVY! (Seriously, I got a short way down and had to come up here to add this. Apparently, many tropers are not as genre aware as they think they are.)

Be sure to read the original list, as well as Evil Overlord List Cellblocks A and B and the Additional Evil Overlord List Cellblocks A, B and C, before adding to this list. Any minions found duplicating items from those lists will take a swim in the Shark Pool. See also The Universal Genre Savvy Guide.

Also, don't just add things villains have done that annoy you unless they're actually counterproductive to the Evil Scheme.

"A truly evil ruler would build up a facade' of goodness to lull the people into a false sense of security, then BAM! off-world slavery."
 * In the storage area of my Fortress of Evil all barrels or boxes containing flammable or explosive substances will be painted in a rusty-brown colour and have no warning labels on them. Containers painted in red will instead be made of bulletproof materials, contain non-hazardous substances, and have "Flammable" or Explosive" labels on them. This will fool the hero to take cover behind the explosive barrels or boxes since they seem old and unlikely to contain something dangerous.
 * All my mooks will be instructed to take cover behind the red non-lethal barrels and to avoid the rusty-brown ones if they are under attack by the hero.
 * He will also eagerly waste ammunition on the red barrels, as my minions take cover behind them, in an attempt to blow them up.
 * And he will intentionally try to break the brown barrels in search of cash or rewards, thus setting off the explosives.
 * Before starting any conquest, plot to claim the world, or the like, I will evaluate the world I am in, considering the setting, genre, and overall environment, both in-universe and out. I will then begin writing my own list of rules dictating what I should or shouldn't do. This list will be divided into sections on every conceivable topic, to be added to as I find, learn, or make up more rules. Then I will go through this list and find anything that applies to me that I don't already have and add it. As soon as I get any advisers, I will assign them to the task of making their own personal lists and adding onto mine (with all additions to be approved by me, of course) Above all, I will remember that the rules in these lists- both the in-universe ones and the online ones- will not apply in every situation, open to modification (after lengthy consideration), and, above all, are guidelines.
 * If I am facing down a Heroic Priest or Monk I will never, ever, pause just before killing him and tempt fate with such words as "Let your God smite me if you cannot," or "Where is your God now, hero?" In the best case scenario this will only serve to infuriate religious peasants and start an uprising. In the case of Acceptable Religious Targets I may make an exception.
 * Likewise, that's just Tempting Fate.If there's any point where said deity will intervene, it's right after I said it.
 * If the Hero mowing down my Legions of Terror wouldn't last five minutes against my own unholy might, I will invest those five minutes.
 * I will not use slave labor for any task better suited to machinery.
 * Also, I will not make the machines smart enough to rebel.
 * However, in an urban or industrial setting, I should be cautious so as not to over-mechanize my society, particularly if this would render a large population of citizens unemployed. Keeping plebs downtrodden and impoverished is fine, but if there are no jobs or no ways to make ends meet then heroes are always more likely to emerge or find sympathy. People in these slums or towns are far less likely to revolt if they're too busy working all day.
 * If I have a monster too tough for the Hero's weaponry to hurt, I will never put it in a room with weapons, devices or explosives which CAN hurt it. If possible, the room shall be as bare as possible with no possible implements that could be extracted from the ground or wall. After all, MacGyvering is becoming an increasingly-common hero talent.
 * An unfamiliar weapon is difficult to fight against. Therefore, my own weapon will be rare and ill-known—or better yet, my own invention in the first place.
 * I will not use a ritual to grant great power to a few select Doom Troops when I can use the same ritual to grant great power to ALL my Doom Troops.
 * The moment I'm sure it's safe I'll also grant this power to myself. Twice if possible.
 * I will have traps on any surface the Heroes can reach and step on—including the walls and ceiling, depending on their powers.
 * I will constantly have several useful, but superfluous plans in motion, with much less security than my actual plans. If they succeed I shall turn a profit, if not then the hero has just wasted valuable time stopping them.
 * I shall also remember to give these plans just enough security that the hero never says "This is too easy."
 * Whenever I take over another nation or country, I won't force them to give up their beliefs and follow mine; Instead, I'll simply introduce my customs and they will catch on soon enough, like Rome did. It worked well enough for them, after all.
 * I will keep all my underlings well paid and give them good working conditions to avoid disgruntled workers being led by the hero into a rebellion. This will include a dental plan.
 * I shall immediately inquire into the all possibilities concerning Breaking the Fourth Wall, and delivering a Hannibal Lecture to the author. Creator Breakdown is almost always more detrimental to the heroes than me.
 * Amendment: I shall make as many well timed (not in the heat of battle) Hannibal Lectures in the hopes that I get at least a few to my writers. And possibly that I can convert some of my enemies. Or at least make sure my own troops know why we are fighting.
 * I shall always attack the heroes with one or two of my best men. That, or screw Mook Chivalry and mob him.
 * I will remember that any enemy soldiers that are not the hero or in the hero's company are incapable of reliably capturing me, killing me, or otherwise doing anything that could jeopardize my health or my ability to be an Evil Overlord. Therefore, I will face an entire army of tanks, snipers, choppers, and planes instead of facing The Hero if I am given the alternatives.
 * I will also remember that it's possible that the hero has joined this army secretly or that the author may desire to make a point about the fleetingness of power. As such, I will not do anything to stupid, such as standing in clear view and yelling "You cannot stop me now!"
 * I will read Machiavelli's The Prince, before taking over anything, country, world, or otherwise. I will remember that Machiavelli never took over the world, nor built an empire that would last forever. Therefore, I will need to make some improvements to his ideas. I will also consider the possibility that Machiavelli's The Prince is satire.
 * I will know that the best defence is the status quo so i will use it against the hero and do everything in my power to maintain it.
 * If I have, indeed, taken over the world and wish to secure my presence, I will supplement my Machiavelli with some Foucault.
 * I will not name my feline companion animal something frilly, feminine, starting with 'Mr.' or even something remotely good and TOTALLY NOT EVIL, like Sir Fluffernutter. No. Instead, I will name it something dangerous, menacing, and most definitely evil, like Hawkfrost. Better yet, I'll have a trained bear. Or perhaps I will use swans instead. The Hero and most other people seem to believe swans are graceful and innocent, so they'll be quite shocked when the swans reveal their true nature and attack them anyway. Furthermore, If I should lose my companion animal, I will immediately plan and implement revenge, and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES sob, shout "'NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" or otherwise enter a state of dramatic denial that could distract me from current developments. Being evil means I can have no strong emotional attachment to anyone, animals included.
 * On my secret computer, there will be a link to All The Tropes that says "My Evil Plans". That way, if the heroes find it, it will distract them while I load my pistol. There is a possibility he (or she) will stumble across the Evil Overlord List (heroes are always very lucky) so instead we'll hyperlink it to 4chan. Alternatively, I would make the index page of the folder accessible, but all the links branch out over Shock Sites, the Encyclopedia Dramatica, and Gurochan. A handy memory wiper will be provided after they finished trying all the links, for the hero to bleach their brain of the horrors within, as well as all those other troublesome memories about trying to stop me. Did I mention that the wiper will not work on myself or my most trusted?
 * Nah. Even my most trusted can still be turned. Just me.
 * I will NOT be a Blood Knight. It makes no sense to drag out fights against the hero just so I can enjoy the fight. That's what gets foolish overlords killed.
 * I will not hire a Blood Knight. Soon as he finds out that I might be a greater fight than the hero, he will inevitably pull a Heel Face Turn just so he can fight the better warrior.
 * If The Hero is a Blood Knight or allied with one I will not attempt to combat them through sheer power.
 * If I wanted to enjoy a fight, I will use a VR simulator with sufficient safety precautions taken. If there's one thing I learned from "The Tortoise and the Hare", it's that you can either compete or you can fuck around. Not both.
 * If I am holding the hero's girlfriend hostage in exchange for a powerful artifact and the hero ACTUALLY follows through with things, I won't be stupid and kill her and him both just because I feel like it. Instead, I will hand back the hero's girlfriend and escort them out with a large number of soldiers all armed with machine guns who can actually hit the heroes if they try to resist. They will also be trained never to fire if an ally is standing on the other side of the hero. Additional: Make it clear that any ally who stands by the heroes when they go through the machine-gun corridor gets what's coming to them.
 * My evil minions will be trained to never say the phrase "It's Probably Nothing" with any serious meaning. In fact, I will make it (and any similar sayings) into code-words for "The hero is here; sound the alarm and bring in reinforcements." Likewise, the "Coast Clear" signal will be replaced with "Aha! I found you!"
 * My Legion of Terror will use weapons that can go through their own body armor to make sure the hero can't use them as human shields. This will also make killing him easier if the hero puts on the uniform of one of my minions in an attempt to blend in. I will make it possible to alter this so that The Hero cannot "switch frequencies" and make my minions defenseless.
 * Screw that, heroes always steal weapons from defeated Mooks. Instead, I will install a remotely-activated stun weapon on each suit's skin, so if the hero tries to pick up one of my minions, he will be electrocuted. Said weapon will also be available on the inside of the suits, in case the hero puts one on. If at all possible, I will ensure that these stun weapons are vital to the suit's function, and that the hero cannot activate them himself without getting himself electrocuted.
 * I will hire a live band to play my theme song during my moment of glory. A CD, cassette tape, the player and/or the speakers may malfunction while I am gloating, and that just ruins the mood. However, said band will be required to be well-known enough that any mook could tell if the heroes have knocked one of them out to take their uniform. Support of local talent is fine, but it's better to immediately know if Bono or The Edge don't look like they're supposed to.
 * I will also ensure that every member of the band is a corporate sell-out with no history of activism. Such people are dangerous, and there's nothing more humiliating when I have The Hero in my clutches and the world at my mercy than to be clotheslined by an idealistic guitar player.
 * I will check the background of their stage crew and manager, too. Such people are known to be greedy and amoral, but you can never be too careful.
 * I will also assure that my henchmen are not die-hard fans of that band. You give a minion a piece of the merchandise and they will fawn all over it.
 * If the above would be too expensive to manage, I will say "Screw it" and toss instruments at some mooks with musical talent. Better yet, toss them instruments with some function in case the hero suddenly shows up.
 * I will watch/read movies, television shows, anime and books with bigtime badasses. I will take note of their mistakes and try to avoid them.
 * Which is what this list is all about.
 * If I do actually choose to learn things this way rather than just by picking up the latest Overlord Monthly, then I will do it in order to carefully note every difference between reality and fiction and incorporate them into my evil plan. Assuming that the hero has read these books too, I can then easily trick him into thinking that he is onto my every move. Of course, what he'll be doing will play directly into my hands instead.
 * If the hero utters any cliche catchphrase, I will shoot him immediately. Chances are, he will end up succeeding in his goal just like everyone else who had uttered the same catchphrase. Even if he wasn't about to succeed, the cliche alone justifies his death.
 * Note to self: schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist. Upon reading back over my list, some parts of it directly contradict each other, and in fact read as though two or more distinct personalities were having an argument.
 * Never mind. We're—,I mean I'm fine.
 * Mostly.
 * I will still, however, see a psychiatrist, or at the very least a memory expert. I seem to be making the same points twice on these lists.
 * If I DO have split personalities, I shall go back and check all items in which I reassure myself of trusting only me, and make a point of doubting myself until I am sure of the my other personalities' agendas, however I must not reveal this to others, or seem unsure at any moment, lest my enemies take advantage of this.
 * After review, it seems like a good idea to keep that appointment. I should not have any character quirks that can easily be taken advantage of.
 * If I'm ever head of a conspiracy, and there is an Agent Mulder type catching on, I will not assign an Agent Scully to keep him in check. This rarely ends well, because the Agent Mulder can actually hold onto proof and the Agent Scully will make them sound less insane to others.
 * If I feel the need to assign an Agent Scully, I will keep them under the same no-abduction (alien or otherwise) policy as the Agent Mulder. Otherwise, they'll manage to get captured by my men in black or aliens or something, so the Agent Mulder doesn't sound insane to them because of it.
 * I will not drink. It impairs judgment. Or do drugs. It's only useful to pretend to be high. Anything else gives the hero an opportunity to shoot me.
 * If there is a poison in development that is supposed to be untraceable, it will go under extensive field testing. It will not be issued to every single person in my organization until then.
 * These field tests will be conducted under tight controls so that unanticipated side effects can be found and mitigated before they create problems down the road.
 * If someone uses the above poison beforehand, they will be censured immediately, unless they can give me proof that the guy is dead (corpse, autopsy, etc.)
 * I will not make my organization a serve-or-die type. If that happens, people get resentful and help The Hero. If they wish to leave, they may, if they don't say a word about it. However, it will be made clear that should they violate the non-disclosure agreement, their lives are forfeit.
 * Exception: people who would be incredibly useful to the hero.
 * Likewise I will not send them on impossible missions. Nor will I become incensed and kill them if they fail, if such a mission is ever necessary.
 * Additionally, if minions fail or decide to leave (and submit their resignation rather than just running), they will be debriefed first. Even if they are to be shot later, I might as well get some final use out of them.
 * I will not have any friends that I actually value. That way, I won't go batshit insane if my so-called "friends" turn on me and do stuff like get rid of all my henchmen in my paranoia. Alternatively, I will have them and I will not treat them like shit. I will treat them the same way the hero treats his True Companions. This will have the added advantage of making them into Morality Pets (false ones if necessary), so that there is a possibility I will become an Ensemble Darkhorse and gain Contractual Immortality. Also, if I have to kill their ex-boyfriends, I will first ensure said friends consider themselves scorned. That way, they'll help me.
 * My mooks will be taught to get along with each other to the point that they can use The Power of Friendship against a more heroic group of True Companions.
 * No matter how much it helps the atmosphere, my harem will not have a bunch of cushions everywhere, candlelight for its only light source and curtains for doors. It will be set up like a hotel, with real doors that lock, and security outside. Curtains, candles, and cushions are for inside.
 * The room labeled "Harem" will be filled with Hot Amazons loyal to me. When the hero tries to free them in exchange for information about my weaknesses, they will misinform him and offer to lead him to my bed chamber. They will then lead him straight to the dungeon, lock the door, and attack him. The actual harem will be somewhere else.
 * All the girls in the harem will be kept in separate rooms so that they cannot conspire against me. The rooms will be well furnished and have basic cable, so that they will be content.
 * I may consider putting all the girls in the harem in one large room with a lot of soft surfaces and no TV. Bored harem girls could well be a good thing. I will keep the room under surveillance, of course. If they to conspire against me, I'll know. If they get bored... hey, bonus.
 * Or, maybe I'll treat the girls in my harem with proper respect. So that they have no reason to conspire against me. Also, for my own safety and sanity, I will remember what days they typically have their periods on, so that I can be on the other side of the planet while they are bitchy and hormonal. In addition, it may pay off well to shower them with gifts every once in a while. Equally, of course, as I don't want to seem like I'm playing favorites. I must also remember that no female can possibly resist chocolate.
 * I will never make any comments that include the term PMS near a woman, or imply that there is a time when it is best to stay away from her, or that her current mood (any mood) might be due to this. I will not patronize her in any way, even if it is my suspicion. Such things makes them angry. They will remember that conversation. They will not let me live it down. If I slip, she should be discreetly removed from the harem before she has time to report this information.
 * I will always use protection, and all the harem members will be on the pill. The last thing I need is bastard offspring trying to kill me and take my place. Or syphilis. That's no fun, either.
 * Better yet - I just won't have a harem at all. Anything that requires this much effort to keep safe just isn't worth it.
 * Still better I will give a lifetime stipend to the children of every woman in my harem. I will also marry at least one woman from each clan in my empire or at least each clan that can field a minimum of a thousand warriors. I intend to make sure everyone in my kingdom knows I am their cousin. Once I have accounted for all the bride collecting I need for such matters there is plenty of time for my own personal pleasure.
 * If I need women that badly, I will just buy Pay-Per-View, or if such technology does not exist, a "Gold Pass" to the local Brothel (Preferably one on the payroll, or at least one who keeps track of who's working for them). They won't want one of their prime customers dead, and I will enter and leave while disguised.
 * If I need to have a harem, for whatever reason, I will hire a mix of those aforementioned hot amazons (doubling as bodyguards) and regular prostitutes. They still would be required to occasionally have (protected) sex with me, but they will be allowed to come and go as they please, sleep otherwise with whoever they like (in secret), get lavished with gifts, and most importantly, their families will be well taken care of. Helping their sickly little sisters become healthy will be the real loyalty winners. The baubles will just be bonuses.
 * If I ever decide to have dinner with the hero, I will not attempt to poison him. There are far too many things that could go wrong. Instead, I will hide several syringes full of poison in his chair. A blade will also pop out of his end of the table and impale him. Then, a sixteen-ton weight will drop on his head. If he decides to use his last action to shoot me (if he somehow managed to sneak a gun through 5 different searches), he will still fail because I will not actually be there; it will be a hologram, robotic double, or other kind of fake.
 * I will make sure to have two dining halls, and only rig one like this. Having something like this happen to my trusted lieutenant just because I'm paranoid and he forgot which seat it was isn't just a setback, it's bloody embarrassing.
 * My jail/prison/dungeon/gulag will be as far away from my primary base as physically possible. The base will have cells for temporary confinement, but all prisoners will be transferred to the main dungeon as quickly as possible. Their equipment will be sent to a different facility, preferably at least 20 miles or more from the prison.
 * I will not live in my jail/prison/gulag. That will be far off in a desolate wilderness where if someone escapes I could not care less. I will live in a palace with gardens, concubines, artwork, and rich delicacies. And not an Evil Tower of Ominousness. What is the point of being an evil emperor if you cannot enjoy it?
 * All of my maids will be hot Ninja Maids. They will be treated well and given plenty of downtime, but will act as if they were enslaved. That way, when the hero inevitably tries to free them from my 'oppression', they will kill him before he knows what happened. Additionally, if they desire companionship beyond me, I shall encourage them to form a happy relationship with Bishounen Battle Butlers who are in a similar position. This way, I can also counter any potential female heroes and Action Girls.
 * As an added bonus, if Evil Overlording proves not to be my style, this will allow me to seamlessly reinvent myself as a harem anime protagonist.
 * My default battlefield policy will always be "take no prisoners". This especially applies to the heroes. The only cases where I will even consider capturing the hero will be:
 * 1. I need him to activate the MacGuffin.
 * 2. He is the only person who knows some information that is essential to my plan.
 * I will keep in mind that if my plan is dependent on knowledge that only the hero has, I have screwed up somewhere along the line. I will NOT however, mention that this is the policy, nor will it be implied. I will find someone disposable to say this, as mentioning the words "Take no prisoners" is assured death.
 * Alternately I will follow closely to the Geneva Conventions. Enemies will be more likely to surrender if they know they will be well treated. My own troops can take comfort in that should they surrender they will not be falling in to the hands of those whose compatriots they have tortured or executed. Additionally, circumstances allowing, enemy armies may be given the choice to join me, or destroy their arms and return home.
 * Historical note: the above reason is why the Geneva Conventions exist in the real-world in the first place. The international community figured out early on that the only way to make people behave even semi-decently in wartime was to point out what benefit was in it for them, specifically, 'if you don't commit atrocities on the enemy then its less likely they'll be atrocious to you, especially if you both sign this treaty'.
 * If, for some reason, I do need to take The Hero alive, I will ensure that he does not pose a threat to me by amputating all his limbs and keeping him in a box.
 * Unless I, for some reason, need the hero to keep his limbs. Then I will fill the box with sharp objects and turn off the lights. Guards who can see in infrared or ultraviolet will be used to guard him, and will be equipped with the appropriate flashlights. These guards will also have buttons allowing them to turn on the lights if necessary. The lights will emit only in the visible spectrum and will be very bright. I never said those guards had to see in the visible spectrum.
 * A simpler, if temporary, solution is to simply break the relevant limbs and then apply heavy splints. Fastened with welded-shut metal fittings that require several minutes of work with industrial cutting tools to remove to defeat heroes who are handy with lockpicks. This is admittedly impractical for those annoying regenerating heroes.
 * I will foster happiness in my Empire. My interest is in power, not being a dick. Failing all else this will allow me to counter a heroic Combined Energy Attack with one of my own.
 * I will foster communal wealth. Flat screens in the public park. All channels will include lessons on how to kill the Hero, his army, and any traitors. I will keep in mind that this could allow The Hero to prepare for such things.
 * I will have the park patrolled for the protection of my people. I don't want lawlessness due to my negligence at failing to protect a child or woman. The police officers will be supported with full backup, lighting and they will be patrolling circuits of five minutes long, and once every minute.
 * I will not rape anyone, ever. Doing so is a one-way ticket to a Karmic Death, and those are never pleasant. Besides, if I want to be a competent overlord, I have to be able to control my desires.
 * I will not tolerate rape on the part of any of my subordinates. Anyone caught doing so will be executed. Brutally, slowly, and in full view of the public. I mean, like horribly. What's that movie where someone gets stuffed into a woodchipper? Like that, only worse.
 * If I am on campaign I especially will execute any rapist in a horrible manner. And I will invite all the local civilians to watch and give them plenty of food while they enjoy the show. My army is like all armies dependent on the population for intelligence and rations. It will not do to make them mad at me.
 * If I have a wife, girlfriend, or significant other, I will remain faithful. The wrath of a Woman Scorned is probably the most powerful force in the universe (or at least right up there), and I'd rather not face it. I'm not having my plans shot to hell because I couldn't keep my pants on.
 * If things between the wife and me go sour, I'll do my best to end things amicably and leave her with a decent alimony, to make her less tempted to help the hero. Or just quietly kill her.
 * I will use any means available to get the hero to cheat on his Love Interest, thus making the Woman Scorned his problem.
 * My plans will not involve animals when it is not really necessary. I will not drop the hero into a snake pit when a pit of poison-coated spikes will be just as effective, and a lot cheaper.
 * I will not bother wasting resources to create weird hybrid animals. A flying bear army might be really cool, but it would cost millions of dollars to create just bear, and it would probably have a multitude of genetic defects. An entire army would drain my budget. The awesome hybrids can wait until I've conquered the world and have unlimited resources. If I do make these creatures, they will fight condemned criminals in the arena. The public needs its entertainment.
 * If I am in a fantastic setting, troops riding on winged bears would practically be a Game Breaker, because the result could be achieved through magic instead of science and would be much cheaper and more reliable. The flying bears are the air force, the land force would be gorilla-wolves, and the navy would be tentacle sharks.
 * If I do use animals in my schemes, I will have all their backgrounds checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that The Hero once saved the monsters from a rockslide and now they owe their lives to him.
 * Citizens will not be heavily guarded, nor will they be incredibly poor. People will be allowed to have wealth, as wealth leads to donations. Taxes will be spent wisely on important social programmes. People will learn about the horror outside the walls. Public places will be within walking distance to eliminate the need for polluting cars, and all public places must have a master chef who will be there by his own free will. They will also have high def, plasma screen TVs that do not just broadcast me.
 * However, I will also try to obtain some bad land as well as all that nice land and stuff, use the good land for vital resources and put cities on the bad lands that should always be razed by a different villain so nobody will give me a massive civilian uprising to deal with because of razing the land the cities are on.
 * If I have the power to hypnotize or otherwise alter someone's mind, either by looking at the person or by talking in a strange voice, I will keep my weapon ready just in case.
 * If am successful, I will not then order the victim to kill themselves unless I have a good reason. Why waste resources for temporary thrills?
 * Nor will I place too much trust in so recently-brainwashed a follower. There's such a thing as Psychic Static, and a good chance they're hiding that, like Topol did in Flash Gordon.
 * I will not disregard any potential threat simply because it's Just a Kid. Instead, I will keep tabs on any kids who might turn out to be a Kid Hero, especially skinny spiky-haired preteen boys and those who wear rollerblades and speak in antiquated '80s slang.
 * Any who pose a threat to me (given a particularly liberal definition of 'threat') will be quietly unpersoned, and their disappearance attributed to those kidnappers over at La Résistance. I don't have to worry about their death motivating a relative to bring me down, either, because that only applies to killing exaggeratedly-innocent girls who have heroic-looking older brothers.
 * If I am ever face-to-face with the protagonist, I will tie him/her down first to make sure he/she can't do any damage before I monologue. Better yet, I'll just resist the urge to monologue. Even better, I will Just Shoot Him. Better still, I will monologue to his corpse, no—ashes, no— Soul Jar. Relieves the stress of holding in the monologue, no risk that he'll tell anyone, and the added insult that whatever I'm doing most likely already worked. Alternately, I will spend a minute a day writing a monologue up, then have an assistant splice audio clips of me talking together into the monologue, put it on my iPod as an MP3, and I will play it on the main speakers along with dramatic music while I am off actually doing something important.
 * There is a time and a place for my maniacal laugh, and that is right after my adorable little granddaughter does something cute (such as pulling the lever on the trap door under an incompetent minion) because she thinks my special laugh is cute and she will start laughing herself and very few Heroes will attack a doting grandfather while his 6 year-old granddaughter laughs with him. I will not, however, engage in maniacal laughter at an inappropriate time, such as when I am ordering my troops into battle or when my Grand Master Plan has nearly come to fruition, because any hero worthy of the name will choose that moment to attack.
 * I will use robot guards programmed to kill any human on sight. Anyone loyal to me will have a special transmitter implanted in their brain, indicating to these robot guards that they are not targets. These transmitters will also deactivate on the death of their owner, and make their owners completely loyal to me, so the hero cannot exploit such an implant, allowing them access to my Evil Fortress.
 * My guards will be specially bred to remove their sexual inclinations, thus closing the loophole provided by entry 96 that seems to be under the impression that gay guards don't exist.
 * Or I will offer a raise for guards if they volunteer to become eunuchs (or for women whatever the female version is). Not only will it remove the want to chase tail but it also helps built muscle to kick tail instead. I will remember steers are stronger and bigger than bulls because "they focus on grass instead of ass".
 * Alternately, I will ensure that my guards are provided with the opportunity to regularly visit brothels, or return home on leave to their significant others. After all, a sexually satisfied guard is less likely to fall for the hero(ine)'s charms.
 * I will not however let them visit slave brothels. The Evil Overlord who does that, always loses.
 * Or I will combine the best features of the above two plans by researching suppressant drugs that render the subject biochemically incapable of sexual arousal, but which have no harmful side effects and wear off soon after you stop taking your daily dose. Elite Guards who are on duty in 'essential areas' will be required to ingest daily as a condition of volunteering for elite service and will be randomly screened for compliance. Elite Guards will also be granted relatively generous shore leave periods where they not only can stop taking their pills but also get opportunities to visit aforementioned significant others or brothels, as an additional incentive to volunteer for this duty in the first place.
 * I could just use robots, of course. But make sure that the robots are actually robots, and don't dream. And I'll make sure they can't be reprogrammed without retinal clearance from my top roboticist, my head of security, and myself.
 * I will have the retinal scanner disguised as a finger-print scanner. If anyone puts, say, the severed hand of my head of security up against it, it will spectacularly explode.
 * I will also have it set up so that, in case my top roboticist turns good or my head of security suddenly dies and I don't have time to change the locks, I can reprogram them on my own. Naturally, I will have some basic programs (servant, soldier, whatever) on disc and already ready to use, and learn to do the more complicated ones myself.
 * My scientists will put in the extra time to proof any mind control devices against the Power of Love, friendship, and rock. Better yet, I'll skip Rock, but keep all rock music inside my castle and nowhere else. That way, if the hero uses my mind-control device against me, I can use The Power of Rock to my advantage
 * All targets will have any and all parts of the brain important to feeling emotions removed.
 * Never, under any circumstances, will I take on a name like "Vincent the Invincible", or anything involving godhood. Even if it's deserved. Especially if it's deserved. Do I really want to find out how invincible I am the hard way?
 * If I am the Overlord of a video game, I will have my Legions of Evil track down any and all saving/healing points and either remove them or rig them to violently self-destruct or otherwise attack the hero if he (or she) tries to use them. Except for one, which will be moved to my personal quarters and restricted to my own use. Save Scumming may be cheating, but then again, I am an Evil Overlord.
 * In fact, if my research indicates that I am a boss in a video game, I will carefully study the list of Classic Video Game "Screw You"s and will endeavor to include as many of them in my base as possible. If the Hero never gets to fight me because the player controlling him or her gave up in frustration, then I win by default.
 * I will also have my Army of Terror clearing weaker foes from the fields once a week. The Hero will abandon his quest if the only ways for grinding are those little cute critters that lower their karmic point (and don't provide much XP), my mooks (whose weekly level-grind has made them stronger, and have better equipment) and the "Wake-Up Call" Boss.
 * Removing said monsters and bandits will also improve my reputation among the populace and reduce the chances of poverty-induced discontent.
 * I will store the Plot Coupons in a single place. The door that needs the coupons to open will be between the hero's starting location and myself. Ha.
 * Alternatively, I will send my minions to guard the location of these Plot Coupons, who will be told to guard them at any cost because behind the door they unlock (or a replica thereof) is my vast treasury/my one weakness/the source of my power. This door will be located as far from my main base as feasible. When the hero attempts to open the door, it will instead activate the lockdown procedures and warm up the nuke. If I have the spare resources, a Kill Sat will also be activated.
 * If I develop a superweapon to use against the heroes, its first public use will be against the heroes. Any tests will be made in out-of-the-way locations against people that will never be missed (and that's only if totally-unpopulated targets aren't an option), so the heroes will have no warning and no chance to develop a counter-measure.
 * I will never depend on a superweapon that has its complete design specs easily available in any library or on the Internet. Ideally, any superweapon I use will have been designed by my own scientists anyway, and if I've been reading this far I wouldn't have put them on the Internet anyway. Or ever connected any computer that the designs have ever been on to the Internet.
 * I will remember that Information is Conserved and not go too overboard with covering up my tracks. A little overboard will suit me just fine. Also, just because Information can't stop existing once created, doesn't mean it has to be retrievable. If I really need to make sure something will never see the light of day, I will hurl it into a black hole. And then find a way to reflect all the Hawking radiation back at it. Just in case.
 * I will hire a competent professional psychologist. Those desiring to become one of my lieutenants must first pay him a visit, and once promoted must continue to do so at least once a year. Anyone diagnosed with obsessions or quirks that might interfere with his or her duties will not be promoted (see Rule 64). Anyone diagnosed with megalomania or the like will be shot before they try to overthrow me.
 * I will take anger management courses. That way, when the hero taunts me and runs, I will not become enraged and blindly chase him right into a trap. It will also prevent me from beating up random henchmen or subjects in a hissy fit, which is never good for PR.
 * I will design my computer password system so that the third attempt to log on with random guesses will route the user to an apparently legitimate database full of misinformation. It will also trip the silent alarm, so that I can opt to send the guards while the intruders are busy downloading data, or just choose to laugh quietly at them as their entire organization prepares to counter my non-existent schemes in Antarctica.
 * I will ensure that every password used in one of my computer systems is a random mixture of numbers and letters, rotated once per week. Yes, it may be difficult for my mooks to remember the changing passwords, but at least it means the hero won't gain access to my entire data network because The Password Is Always Swordfish.
 * I will put my most sensitive information in an obscure format only readable by my own software, Hidden in Plain Sight as a derelict terminal not connected to the Network and without any external ports or removable disc drives whatsoever, placed somewhere where no-one will bother to look for it, such as a museum.
 * I will, along with this, make sure that the said terminal is readily accessible to myself and whoever must be in on it by the Need to Know Basis' requirements, and in a way that will not attract attention. Me and/or my trusted lieutenants paying visits to nondescript terminals will have great significance to the hero, as it signals that the nondescript terminal in question has some significance to me.
 * I will put large amounts of information on computers that are easily accessed. These will include a deeply encrypted, most secret report on the number of paper clips stockpiled in the Quartermaster's Office of my Army of Doom. Before we got that new paperclip shipment that is. All information worth having will be in a closed circuit that is not accessible from outside my bases. The very most secret information will be carried by hand courier.
 * I will not listen to the princess/heroine/love interest when she says she'll marry me if only I spare the hero's life. The fact that she was not willing to entertain the idea when his life was not on the line suggests her priorities are elsewhere.
 * I will have him executed out of her sight, dress up a similar looking minion dress up in his clothes, "release" the minion in front of her, and marry her.
 * I will not marry the princess/heroine/love interest at all. I have little desire to have in my bed someone who only married me to save her boyfriend. The thought of being garroted with a necklace kind of takes the fun away.
 * Although it's normally standard policy to remind myself that there are lots of other women in the world, I must consider the possibility that she may be a princess and I could need her politically. Under these circumstances, I will instead marry whichever heir is the weakest of will, regardless of her personal appearances. Nobody ever said I had to be faithful.
 * I will strike a happy compromise. She might be Beautiful All Along, and/or end up aiding the heroes, if I am unfaithful. Even if she does not, she may conveniently take me out after my utter defeat, which should not happen if I have read this list. Or it might be in my moment of triumph.
 * If for whatever reason I do agree to let the hero go, I will let her go as well. I will also make sure that either the offer is made in private or that I can get her to sound like she's betraying him. That should make a useful wedge for driving them apart.
 * If I have the ability to turn people into stone, it will only be used if absolutely necessary in the heat of combat. It will never be used as a punishment for dissenters. That would just let any old hero who comes along with the ability to free them amass a large army of people who are pissed off at me for the final battle.
 * If I absolutely have to use it in combat, I will break all the stone up after the battle is over. If, in a moment of temporary insanity, I use it outside of combat anyway, I will also break up all the stone.
 * Better yet I'll put some parts together using regular materials to fill in gaps while leaving empty spaces inside, etc. That way if someone does "free" them the outcome will be Nightmare Fuel for him, his team and everyone who supported him. I should also remember to keep this secret so everyone will consider the hero to be responsible.
 * If young, I will purchase leather pants. The resulting admirers will make a useful backup army.
 * If I feel really committed, I will engage in deliberately homoerotic acts (much easier if I happen to be bisexual). The resulting admirers' numbers will be be bolstered greatly.
 * Under NO circumstances will I or any of my minions wear heels. While sexy, they will always break at the worst possible time, and they impair movement to a significant degree.
 * If I ever need to protect something vitally important behind an array of magical defenses, I will try and incorporate at least one which uses a password or other means of identity verification. Whilst ancient riddles and tests of skill will keep the riff-raff out, they also grant entry to anyone capable of working them out- and heroes tend to be annoyingly good at this.
 * I will not make a sentient robot, even though it may seem like a good idea at the time. It will be a killing machine that follows my orders and not one that goes on some philosophical spiel about being a machine that is self-aware in which it realizes that it can destroy me or join the hero.
 * Similarly, the same could be said about any sentient computer.
 * I will never assume the hero is dead without making a reasonable effort to find the corpse and ensure he really is dead. Even if he is dead, there will probably be more. Every hero needs to succeed where others have failed, after all, and the one I just killed may only be a precursor for the real hero.
 * Should I ever find the corpse of a hero, I will only check for life signs after subjecting it to a destructive test to ensure that they are truly dead, involving immolation, freeze-drying, and exposure to corrosives, among other things. I will also take tissue samples and cranial x-rays to make sure it's really the hero.
 * After the destructive test, the body will not be buried. Once thoroughly tested, anything left over will be blown up, cremated, or both. During these proceedings, I will be present and attentive at all times, and the body will never be concealed from view (be it body bag, casket, anything).
 * I will not, under any circumstances, trust some upstart new villain that I've never met; especially when they suggest a plan to take down the heroes that I've never thought of or that requires finding some new weapon that they guarantee will help defeat the heroes. This plan will inevitably elevate the new guy at my expense.
 * I will avoid any plan that involves releasing the Sealed Evil in a Can. This would most likely result in the above situation, or worse.
 * I will take careful notes on the world in which I live and intend to conquer. If I live in a crapsack, half-empty world where pillaging and various other atrocities are committed every other day and people get away with it, Anyone Can Die (and does and stays dead) and the world essentially hates mankind, I can allow some leeway on the "Evil" parts. However, I must do careful evaluation if God is proven to exist and he hates the world. No matter how powerful I am, a God-like entity is far beyond my powers and I'm best becoming allies with the local Anti-Hero to remove said entity. I can rule as a Overlord afterwards, as removing said entity is likely not to reverse the condition of the world and it will stay crapsack, thus allowing me some leeway for my more evil tendencies while still keeping me from crossing the Moral Event Horizon. At least, I must be the least evil leader in the lands. No one is going to complain if I still retain some evil tendencies because I'm still better than the others. Additionally, a story like this will almost always have a Bittersweet Ending for the hero, perhaps him making a Heroic Sacrifice to rid everyone of the cause of the world's suffering. This will prevent a Retired Badass from coming out of retirement to kick my ass if I accidentally cross a line I shouldn't have on carelessness (Anti-Hero-types are very difficult to negotiate with).
 * If no one dies or, alternatively, comes back more times than a cat, Karmic Death is commonplace and the world is full of sunshine and Teletubbies, I should go somewhere else as an "Evil Overlord" is against all odds. Conquering Hell is not an option as the afterlife is usually governed by beings far too powerful for me to beat to ensure a Karmic Hell.
 * If possible, though, I will become a Knight of Cerebus, reveal the world to be a Crap Saccharine World, or find some other way of bringing about a Genre Shift to something that likes Evil Overlords more.
 * Additionally, I shall pay attention if I live a world that seems to subvert/avert or outright deconstruct as many tropes as it can (especially ones that favor the good guys). If the Conservation of Ninjutsu is among these, I shall make no hesitation in exploiting this. If Too Dumb to Live is lampshaded often, this will prove extremely handy as the comic relief would probably end up killing themselves and ridding themselves for me, though I should be careful that I myself don't fall in this.
 * This goes without saying, but all Omnicidal Maniac tendencies are right out. The goal is to conquer the world, not destroy it. As such, I will not ally myself nor employ people/entities with long-standing and great hate for all living things and mankind, as they will eventually becoming significant obstacles in ruling if they don't outright betray me. I will rid myself all these people if at all possible and, if necessary, I will ally myself with the resident hero and aid him in ridding of the menace. If I'm called out on my evil tendencies, I will try to convince him that my goal is simply to conquer while the other guy's is outright mass murder (This will most likely work as a conqueror is definitely lower on the scale of evil than an Omnicidal Maniac, provided I haven't crossed too many lines) I will also not try to remove the hero once the job is done, as they're aid may be needed again in ridding other threats like this and it's bad for my image when employing people. If I'm truly lucky, the hero would need to use a Heroic Sacrifice to make sure the maniac is Killed Off for Real. If that's the case, I will publicly mourn his death as an ally for my cause, which will serve as good PR.
 * I will use heroes by informing and directing them to my enemies that are more (overtly) evil than I am. Heroes tend to ignore lesser evils when a much larger one looms over them.
 * On top of never gloating, I shall never so much as talk in battle. It's a distraction and any moment I could spend thinking of something to say, I could instead be using to predict my opponent's next move and a respective counter. Cold silence is intimidating as well. Additionally, it prevents me from triggering a Shut UP, Hannibal/World of Cardboard Speech that will inevitably result in an Eleventh-Hour Superpower. A Hannibal Lecture never works against the hero.
 * Exceptions will be made if there is a brief lull in the fighting and I have something relevant to say. For the record: nihilism, ranting, or name-calling are not relevant; the people the hero killed to get to this point, the high quality of life in my subjects, and the contradictions in his life philosophy are.
 * Calling Your Attacks is an exception if it doesn't interfere with the attack timing and makes them stronger, allows them to do be manipulated, and/or is generally just fun or reliving to say (Compassionate face breaking fist). However, if the bonus isn't worth it then I will remain silent during battle. If one must call out attacks to do them then it goes without saying that I will learn how to get over this or do it. I wouldn't want somebody to have an edge over me just because they are more vocal.
 * If I am ever short on cash but have a handy new invention, and I have the choice between using this invention to steal money in a heist that will bring me into direct confrontation with the hero and just selling it on eBay for tons of cash and collecting anonymously, I will choose the latter. I will also give it a very short warranty and design it so that it will break down just after said warranty expires. (I am still Evil after all...)
 * But that would allow others to use the invention against me, so no.
 * Not necessarily a problem. If the invention is a superweapon, that would be bad. If it's something like velcro, however...
 * I will not only allow but encourage my Legions of Evil to paint unique designs on their armor. Not only is it a slight morale booster, but it also makes it easier to identify individual mooks, no— soldiers and thus makes it that much harder for the Hero to impersonate them.
 * In addition, I will place a number of security checkpoints along all the entrances and in front of every important or falsely important room in my fortress. Every soldier will be asked personal questions which only they could answer.
 * In order to avoid Conservation of Ninjitsu and make my troops more sympathetic to the audience, I will also encourage them to address one another by name, pursue individual hobbies on their own time, and show off their personalities when the hero is nearby.
 * In fact, I will seriously consider just doing away with the armor and the uniforms altogether. Heroes never seem to be hindered by the lack of helmets and incomplete armory, or have any difficulty differentiating between friend or foe in battle. Mooks will instead be encouraged to dress casually under the supervision of a hired fashion expert to weed out anyone about to make himself into an Acceptable target. It's a proven fact that the right outfit with the right accessories can increase a person's fighting power well above the norm.
 * If I absolutely MUST use a slow acting death trap style device to kill the hero, I will NEVER put a nameless redshirt in first, allowing the hero to figure it out. Nor will I put the hero's love interest in the death trap first, as this inevitably leads to a last minute rescue. Instead, I will put the hero in the death trap first, torture the redshirt for any information about the rebellion, and keep the girl on hand as a useful bargaining chip (although she should be kept entirely unaware of her hero's death until such a time as I no longer have use for her.) Of course, it's much preferable that if the hero is ever in a position to be killed easily, I merely kill him with a quicker, easier method such as shooting him.
 * On a related note, I will remember that the deathtrap will be just as funny if I throw in a corpse instead of a living hero.
 * If I'm having audio-only contact with one of my minions, and the connection is suddenly broken, I will treat the situation like a full-scale emergency. It doesn't matter if contact is reestablished right afterwards and a voice assures me that everything is all right and that it was just a minor glitch; I will nevertheless assume that there's now an enemy at the other end of the line.
 * I will require all minions to have a set of Trust Passwords, unique to each individual, and kept in a binder within my reach at all times. If a connection breaks, I will ask for the password the moment it's reestablished. On a related note, no minion is to write their password down and I will ask a random minion for the password instead of just whoever's holding the phone.
 * I will not keep a gigantic, man-eating beast that is likely to eat just anyone who happens to dump into its moat or dungeon. If it can't be trained into never trying to eat me, it's not worth the risk.
 * When a noble hero convinces another, less noble hero not to kill me, it is not the right time for me to push my luck. In a situation like that, I will not mock them for being so naive and promise that eventually I'll kill them both. Instead, I will act humble and remorseful for as long as they've got me dead to rights.
 * I will not spend my time near long drops at the end of the story. The viewers will not kill me if it results in seeing a corpse.
 * I will not suddenly start acting evil again once they've no longer got me, either. I will at least wait until they're out of both sight and earshot.
 * If I hear a suspicious sound coming from somewhere in my fortress or just outside my camp, I will send out three henchmen to investigate: one in the direction from which the sound was coming, two in the opposite direction.
 * If I do not get updated on the situation within a reasonable timeframe, I will have the area under heavy guard, with powerful weapons prepared in case of sudden hero encounters.
 * I will build hospitals, improve medical funding, and equip many of my soldiers with first-aid kits, or employ healers. The hospitals and the medics will treat soldiers first, and civilians second. This means I'll lose less soliders, civilians will have more incentive to join my forces, and my soldiers and civilians will be far more loyal. It isn't evil in nature, but it allows me to further my evil cause(s) more easily.
 * I will learn and employ healing magic as often as possible, so as to better cultivate a better image in the eyes of my people. In addition to the above benefits, I will be able to act as the good cop in more violent interrogation and be able to sustain myself in a fight with The Hero.
 * I will strive to avoid healing techniques that drain life from one person to heal another. It will only be considered if I have condemned criminals for execution; let their wasted lives be spent to save others.
 * I will encourage my soldiers to bring their children to work. The children will learn from common mistakes that are made, and be more likely to work as soldiers. Also, the hero will be less likely to attack my soldiers, in fear that they might hit a child, or leave a child without a father or mother. Also, children could make good back-up soldiers, due to their surprising resistance to bullets and cuts.
 * I will allow each of my Legions of Doom to have a banner of their own as well as flying my banner. I will also encourage them to have traditions, fancy uniforms, and social organizations. This will encourage morale. They will not however wear these uniforms into battle. They will get muddy and will be impractical. Besides my enemies will be from a Ragtag Band of Misfits and I do not want my Legions of Doom to look to dandyish.
 * I will make the first Friday of every month "Funny Hat Day". Not only will it raise morale of my Legions of Evil but the hero will think twice about posing as one of them when they have to wear a hat made out of fake fruit.
 * I will also grant rewards for the funniest hats. Forcing my minions to humiliate themselves is not good for morale.
 * If I receive word that a hero or heroes have appeared, I will immediately begin observing them in all things. Should any form of Will They or Won't They?, Belligerent Sexual Tension, or UST symptoms be present, I will immediately being plans to vilify the Hero to his (or her) love interest. These tactics will be subtle so that they don't find out and become a couple with the Power of Love.
 * I will consider the pros of being a black, gay, Jewish woman. Such as being able to paint The Hero and his companions as sexist, racist, homophobic anti-Semites.
 * I will not hire a busty bombshell as my second in command. It may seem nice, but my minions would be pissed that I chose someone based solely on appearance rather than merit.
 * However, if I have the option of hiring a busty bombshell who is competent as my second in command, I will do so. This will encourage loyalty among troops and distract the hero. She will not, however, dress like a Russian Torture Technician, as this allows my enemies visual verification that she is evil. Instead, I will encourage her to die her hair blonde, if it isn't already, and act stupid. The heroes will never suspect that she's really on my side if they encounter her, allowing her to trick them into capture, or just knock them out with a surprise attack.
 * The borders of my realm will be well guarded with checkpoints and preferably a fifty plus foot high wall with motion sensors. Said sensors will be linked to a number of machine guns. Animals will learn to avoid it. Any outage in the motion sensor grid will be treated as an emergency.
 * Incentives will be offered should someone find a legitimate flaw in the system, be it from a minion or civilian.
 * Should the hero somehow enter my realm, and is detected. I will NOT allow him and his party to carry on while I plot his demise. He shall instead be greeted by an airstrike. As soon as he's a good distance from a population center, of course. The LAST thing I need is a second hero showing up because I leveled his hometown.
 * Additionally, all nearby villagers will be notified within fifteen minutes of the strike unless the hero is too close to them, and all planes and ordinance will be clearly labeled as belonging to Training Flight [some designation]. That way, if/when the hero survives, he will have no one to blame but himself and the villagers will only tell him that he left shortly before the warning was given. Actual training flights will be executed the same way, to prevent arousing suspicion among the locals.
 * I will find alternate means of dealing with any enemy who would become more powerful if killed.
 * I will make certain that my squad of superpowered Evil Minions aren't particularly weak to each others' powers. While this can be useful in containing rebellion, there are far too many power-assimilating heroes out there. Alternately, I will pair each minion with the counterpart that strengthens/heals them.
 * If the super-empowering Applied Phlebotinum I possess has a possibility of horrible side effects, I will neither force a minion to take it, nor try it myself. I will instead wait for version 2.0.
 * Horny Devils, especially tentacle monsters, are some of most useful minions. Their Genre Shift abilities are incredibly powerful. Every Action Girl, including Magical Girl and Super Heroine, will suddenly become Faux Action Girl thus increasing your chance of world domination. If you fail to recruit such a minion, please consider to have it as your One-Winged Angel form.
 * To break her spine?
 * Precisely. Note the above about rape and Karmic Death. Also, if I do recruit Horny Devils, they can also serve as patsies under that same premise, after the heroine(s) in question is/are dead.
 * However, as with monsters that can NOT be taught not to target me, I will take into account that tentacle monsters might not care if its the heroes or ME that they are violating....with that in mind, perhaps the risk just isn't worth it.
 * Unless I'm into that sort of thing.
 * I will ensure that executions are done in such a way as to allow open-casket services, and give everyone I execute a proper burial, as outlined by their regional customs, or if applicable, following their Last Will and Testament TO THE LETTER. Executions will be done as humanely as possible to reduce the risk of them coming back as ghosts or other Undead, thus enabling them to help the hero and screw with my furniture. And/or eat the minions. The Last Will and Testament bit obviously doesn't apply to the hero. Him I will decapitate, stuff with white rose petals, marinade in blessed water, and bury upside-down at the nearest crossroad.
 * If my Humongous Mecha or other superweapons have a small but glaringly evident weak spot but is otherwise quite effective, I will at least put a pane of bulletproof glass over it, or if I can't armor or shield it in some way—I'm looking at YOU, Death Star—make sure to keep it constantly moving as erraticly as possible, rather than just scrapping it and turning it into collector coins. If I can't do one or both of these things, melt it down into conventional armor and guns, as another legion will cost only half as much and probably do just as much damage. As an added morale booster, stamp "Mk (random number) Mecha Failure Commemorative Piece 1/ 10,000" on the guns and armor. This also applies if instead of a mecha it's myself who has the weak spot. There's no reason it should be possible to stake a vampire in the heart casually.
 * Alternatively, I will design compact but very effective powered armor that can be worn under ordinary clothes. I will keep the very best iteration of this armor for myself, and provide my trusted elites and valued officers with nearly-as-good suits. Imagine the hero's shock when his weapon clangs off my business suit, enough to let me sink a shiv in his forehead.
 * OR I could put the weak spot in a place that's impossible to hit, and have the glowy bit fire a Wave Motion Gun along the trajectory of whatever hit it last.
 * As an alternative to Rule 168, I will hire both the programmer and the kid and make sure that they work as a team. Not only will their combined ideas increase my computer systems' security, but the hero will have to man the keyboard himself.
 * I will also attempt to make them part of my personal 'evil' group of True Companions. This will minimise the chances of one of them having a Heel Face Turn and joining the hero allowing all my security secrets to get out. If possible, I will make sure they bicker a lot while still working together well; that way, they function as my own personal competent comic relief, increasing my groups likability and thus the chances of our survival.
 * I will hire a Cloudcuckoolander as one of my advisors, but the first idea that he has to defeat any of my enemies will be treated as a last resort. If unsuccessful, he will dealt with in a manner that will ensure that he can never help the hero (even by accident) in any way.
 * If I cannot find anyone loopy enough that qualifies as a Cloudcuckoolander, I will hire The Imp (variation that's just snarky; like Midna from The Legend of Zelda) or a Deadpan Snarker, to tell me when my plans are stupid. I will not kill them for saying anything about my convoluted plans that's negative or realistic, because that is their job.
 * As an alternative to Rule 2, I will keep the vents large, because of two reasons:
 * Crawling through a ventilation shaft makes a lot of noise. So when the hero tries to escape, I can just have my men shoot at the sound.
 * In a realistic setting, the air ducts will simply break under his weight, providing ample amusement as he tries to spy on my plans.
 * As another alternative to Rule 2, I will keep the insides of my air vents at lethal temperature extremes. This function will only be disabled when they must be repaired.
 * A third alternative to Rule 2, I will, if at all possible, avoid having ventilation ducts in my evil fortress. I will instead make sure that all areas are well ventilated by other means. The only air ducts will be in the prison, and those will be dead ends after two turns and about 20 feet. They will also be trapped to seal anyone inside them, and then fill with a non-lethal paralytic toxin. My guards will immediately inform me by radio of their attempt, and I will enjoy a brief yet hearty chuckle. While they are moved to another cell, they will be kept under heavy guard, and they will be shackled, bound, gagged, and any other means I have of keeping them immobile will be applied.
 * I will not wear my badass sunglasses at night, unless I'm working on something brightly lit for my EvilPlans, I have demonic glowing cat eyes that allow me to see in such darkness, confronting someone who can mesmerize me by eye contact, and/or I'm in Alaska or Antarctica around the time of year when the sun is out all the time. They will impair my vision otherwise, though they do look awesome.
 * I will suspend this rule if it is ever necessary to keep track of the visions in my eyes. If someone is deceiving me, it will definitely cut my security.
 * My motives will always appear to be sympathetic. The reason is simple. If The Hero thinks that I'm just misguided, they'll try to talk me out of whatever I'm doing, instead of constantly trying to kill me.
 * My scientists will also study the Fisher King effect that happens whenever people rule an area, and have it work out so that my empire looks like pure good.
 * I will assume the hero is genre savvy even if he has been shown to be an idiot hero as that could just be a ruse to make me feel to secure in my victory.
 * If the hero is a Idiot Hero, then they will have an intelligent but cold ally that the hero will rarely listen to. I will kill this person before the hero can teach them about instinct and friendship, since after they learn about that, they will become a realistic threat to my plans.
 * I will always assume the hero is a threat, even if they are stupid/silly/naive/dead.
 * And I will expect the same for my underlings. I will organize special seminars for those soldiers who are still incapable of grasping this simple fact. (Followed by a motivational course for those who believe that I accept this as an excuse for not fighting him, should I order it).
 * I will get an implant or surgery to suppress conscience. I will also make such implants/surgery mandatory for everyone in my army, thus making me immune to Villainous BSOD and safe from Face Heel Turn.
 * On a related note, I will have the neurosurgeon executed so that he can't use the implant to control me. This will be a standing order, and my mooks will be authorized to both ignore my commands and restrain me while killing the good doctor if I say anything even close to "don't kill him".
 * If I cannot suppress my conscience when I see fit, then why would I try to be an evil overlord? I clearly need to get my priorities straight here. I will always, however, keep a facade of having a conscience up. That way, when the hero tries to get me to suffer a Villainous BSOD I can fake it, and take advantage of it when he lets down his guard if he tries to kill me. If he tries to be friends, I will accept, infiltrate his close circle of friends, and kill all of them in their sleep. I will make sure I do this without any chance of detection, and after I have tricked the suspicious one.
 * Note: I will also make absolutely, completely, 100% sure to have an abort plan. If I ever, ever, begin realizing I'm actually starting to like this, I will abort immediately. If the Hero asks it was all a lie, I will claim it was not.
 * Note 2: If I can still be an Evil Overlord while the hero's friends are accepting me, why kill them? I'll just use my influence over them to keep them pointed at someone else's plans and save "kill them all in their sleep" for when they start getting suspicious.
 * Before my rise to glory, I will kill all of my past mentors/teachers and replace them in their schools with substitutes and explain that said mentor/teacher went abroad to study. I will kill any friends of these mentors, any family members, but most importantly, any of his students who go out looking for him.
 * With that in mind, my next Class Reunion will be bombed as soon as I am sure all of my fellow classmates, especially rivals, are there enjoying their slice of cafeteria cake.
 * I will leave various communicators laying in the ground where ever I go that ring any theme tunes associated with me when they sense the vibrations of people's footsteps. If answered, it will explode.
 * If my voice sounds higher/lower/scratchy/British/otherwise different over the phone, my Legion of Terror will not continue giving out information of where we are supposed to be located. They will instead come to where I am presumably located and make sure it is actually me.
 * If behind an unbreakable force field with my enemy trying to get in, I will also pay attention to all other degrees of vision. Chances are my unbreakable force field is, on the contrary, breakable, and it just so happens something ready to break it is nearby.
 * Should time travel become available, I shall send three teams back:
 * The smallest, Team A, will be sent to my parents when I am an infant, armed with a fictional prophecy claiming I am the "one" of some kind. Details will be ambiguous. Parents will be killed, and a small, unique trinket will be left with me.
 * Of course, I will find out what the rules of my universe regarding fake prophecies are. I don't want the hero using something that I thought was a fake weakness, only to find out that this universe runs on Clap Your Hands If You Believe.
 * Team B will be larger, and be sent to the pasts of any potential heroes, where they will subtly but covertly influence these heroes' lives so that they will (i) become moderately comfortable and happy in adult life or (ii) become a flawed Overlord themselves, whichever is more practical.
 * Team C will be a massive propaganda team, acting as an army for potential overlords during my adolescence or early adulthood, while also spreading rumours of Team A's false prophecy to the world at large. This should provide for excellent PR, better chances of getting laid and an easier route to power and influence, with less chance of overall failure.
 * I will send my Teams D-through-X to the pasts of all potential heroes, to their respective births, where they will implant the prospective heroes' brains with a small RC explosive before returning to the present for more assignments. In the present, should a hero attempt to thwart my plans, I will detonate the charges long-stored in their heads, avoiding any paradox of going back in time to kill my enemy.
 * When using time travel, I WILL make absolutely sure that what I am doing will not cause unforeseen consequences or a Time Paradox. If I cannot be absolutely sure of that, no matter how tempting it may be, I will NOT use time traveling at all.
 * When it comes to people who fall under Heel Face Revolving Door, as long as they get results I'm looking for, they will be safe. When they go to another side, I will deal with them if needed. (They did give me good results, after all, and they will switch sides again, assuming I don't send them to assassinate their boyfriend/girlfriend/family or something.) When they switch back (as they probably will), the same cycle will continue.
 * My secret password will not be 1-2-3-4-5. It's too obvious and The Hero will probably try that option, if only to get it out of the way.
 * As a corollary, nobody in my organization will make their password their lover's name. It is too easily broken. Should I hear that such a thing happened, I will suspend them immediately without pay. If The Hero cracked security because of the password in question, because of it's simplicity, the moron that chose the password will be anywhere from long-term suspension to death based on how badly The Hero screwed up my plans.
 * As another corollary, nor will I.
 * As a preemptive measure, I will ask everyone to put a number of personal passwords in the system. They will not be using these for log-ins (those passwords will be picked by me personally). Instead, any log-in attempt with these will automatically activate a machine gun behind the panel.
 * I will use easy to crack passwords for decoy systems and plans.
 * I will also rig my password systems to automatically lock down and trigger an alarm after a few dozen tries. This will prevent the hero from deducing the password through brute force. Particularly stupid password attempts, like "swordfish," will trigger the alarm immediately.
 * If I really want a secure system, I will design an entirely new OS that will allow the use of nonstandard characters for password. No one will guess that.
 * I will also remember the basic rule of ten characters consisting of at least one number, one lowercase letter, one uppercase, and one special character will slow down even the best hackers. Government agencies start swearing at twenty.
 * Also any machine that requires a password to shutdown will have an internal power source. Few things are more embarrassing than the hero stopping my Doomsday Machine than the Cloud Cukoo Lander simply unplugging it from the wall by tripping over it.
 * I will consider using improvised weaponry.
 * If the hero wishes to try and disengage the main generator he will have to enter a chamber that is flooded with Anti-Redshirt radiation, the radiation will only be vented with my expressed permission.
 * I will never, under any circumstances, put a giant monster too tough to be damaged by the hero's normal weapons in the same room as a piece of artillery that can penetrate its defenses.
 * When my henchman says, "No one could've survived that fall.", I will say, "Why don't you find out," and push him over after the hero.
 * Alternately, I will send a team down in this world's equivalent to helicopters. Killing henchmen may be fun, but if they're dead, they can't report back. Plus, it's bad for PR. This team will ensure that, indeed, nobody has survived the fall. To fulfill this objective, the team will be required to first locate anyone who has fallen off, then shoot them. Repeatedly.
 * No, I don't want to waste personnel. If they find anyone, said someone is to be transported under armed guard to secure containment pending identity verification. Even if they're dressed as the hero. Anyone resisting, though, is to be shot repeatedly in the head and vaporized if possible.
 * Whether or not I choose to make an example of them, anyone who thinks that people do not survive impossibly long falls is clearly not Genre Savvy enough to be in a leadership position in my Evil Army, a fact that I will make sure is remembered during their next performance review. The same policy applies to comments such as: "He's Just a Kid"; "We outnumber him 10 to 1, he can not escape" and "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?". (However, I will be fair in commending any soldier who approaches a situation with due caution or sticks to regulations during a crisis. Natural born talent such as recognizing that regular rules probably do not apply for the giant sword — wielding maniac who just slaughtered half of your platoon with ease, taking precautions without me ordering it, and being able to identify the sound of a thrown pebble, will earn a promotion on the spot.)
 * I will maintain a healthy sense of humor about all aspects of my life. Then, if the hero attempts to goad me into making a rash mistake by mentioning something that might be a sore topic for me, I will simply laugh, say "You got me there!" and shoot him. Between the eyes. Twice.
 * If, for some reason, I feel like putting an item in a dungeon (in which case I must realize that The Hero will likely swipe it), I will NOT make it the one item needed to slay the boss of that same dungeon. It makes me look like an idiot to put the boss' Achilles' Heel in the same dungeon.
 * If I don't need access to this item later on, I will store the key to the chest, along with the item, inside the chest. If I will need the item, the key will remain on my person, and will not be left elsewhere in the dungeon. Alternately, I'll just keep the item on my person in the first place.
 * If I don't need access to the item, I'll either leave it sitting in my own vault or break it. Even a health potion sitting in the dungeon will help anyone going through it. Hell, I'll put it in my vault if I do need it.
 * I will hire my lieutenants based on their knowledge of Sun Tzu's "The Art of War".
 * The Thirty-Six Stratagems are also needed.
 * But they should have plenty of field experience. Ruperts that learned all they know from books tend to think everything goes exactly as planned.
 * If I'm fighting a hero whose family, friends, or loved ones I murdered, I will not taunt them by telling them "so-and-so begged me to spare his/her life". That's more than just flirting with death, that's raping him.
 * If the hero insists on knowing, one of my officers will explain in as much detail as the hero wants, omitting or outright falsifying any parts that could be reenacted wherever I'm fighting the hero.
 * None of my officers will be professional tennis-players.
 * If in a game of tennis with my foe with the ball being an orb of energy, I will just shoot him immediately after he hits the ball and dodge the attack.
 * I will make sure to hire a tennis instructor to better me on the game just in case the hero tries to catch me in a game.
 * I will never, ever, EVER substitute a live grenade for the ball. That's not just courting disaster, it's slipping a roofie in her cocktail.
 * I will never use an attack that can be reflected without proper knowledge of the reflecting-item being no where in the vicinity.
 * Better yet, none of my officers will be unskilled tennis players. Any who use reflectable attacks will carry something for reflecting it on their persons and pull it out as soon as they've fired the attack.
 * Either that or generate a shield to directly nullify their own attacks towards them, it also prevents friendly fire which is a plus; in other words, a one way barrier, attacks go out, but not in.
 * If I discover that one of my attacks can be reflected back towards me, I will refrain from using said attack.
 * My Legion of Doom will never go out into battle with money or valuables in their possession, especially if they have a knack for dropping all of this when they die.
 * My Legions of Doom will be instructed to keep their valuables in the base unless they're bartering for something and will be able to purchase things on credit if such exists. And their personally-fitted armor will have their equipment integrated into it (antidotes and such in a sealed or locked pouch accessible only by the wearer), so that it can't be used by the hero unless he wants to put up with serious cramping and chafing problems.
 * If my Legions of Doom manage to put one of the heroes in a state where he attacks his allies rather than them, they will be instructed not to attack said hero until all his friends are dead or he is no longer in said state. The same thing goes for if they manage to render one of them unconscious.
 * If the technology for it exists, my Legions of Doom will also be instructed to carry the antidotes to any poisons they use in a securely locked container. I don't want the heroes curing the poisoning by just beating my minions.
 * I will make sure only to communicate and rule through a suit of Animated Armor or other robot double, while I am somewhere else-preferably a bunker in the ass-end of Siberia or some other hellishly inhospitable place that would take a massive amount of preparation to get to. I will also have multiple copies of this equipment, so when the heroes shut one down, the next powers up. I will also make sure that the armor is shielded from EMP so as to eliminate the primary weakness of a robot body (or Dispel, if the armor is magical animate).
 * If I do choose to do the Tin Tyrant thing, I will always oil my joints right after each "meal", about three times a day.
 * I will also find a way to make it look either completely human or completely monstrous. Nothing makes holding court difficult like "should be human, but isn't".
 * Rather than automatically ordering the death of someone I believe is about to reveal my dark secret, I will first consider the relative PR ratings of myself and the source, as well as the level of deniability I have. If the revelation will only be believed by crazy conspiracy theorists, it would probably actually work to my advantage. However, if the person planning to do this is the hero, I will have them killed immediately, as they will inevitably get their hands on the evidence at some point.
 * For similar reasons, if practical I will actively try to make myself one of the stock villains of crazy conspiracy theorists. Somebody planning to control the world will find that the perfect hiding place is within the freemasons or Catholic church.
 * Remember, boys and girls, there's no shame in the Groin Attack. You are a bad guy, after all, nobody expects you to play fair.
 * If the hero steals "my thing" and starts to go One-Winged Angel, or starts rambling on, I will ignore the "Transformation/TalkingIsAFreeAction" thing and shoot him while he's quite probably incredibly vulnerable.
 * I will never kidnap, torture, imprison, or otherwise harm the loved ones of a hero I underestimate and leave the hero free. They will invariably turn out to be surprisingly dangerous, Fanatically loyal and possessed of a remarkable ability to find allies, and I will be setting myself up to receive a Roaring Rampage of Revenge. No matter how much I underestimate the hero I will kill him first, then kill all his relations right afterwards, just in case he is the wrong hero.
 * We cannot stress this enough, apparently.
 * My Legions of Doom will not in any way, shape, or form, use torches, knives, and pitchforks if there are guns and chainsaws around that are in perfect working condition and have ammunition/gasoline in them, particularly if The Hero is using guns without mercy. It's just dumb and suicidal otherwise.
 * I will place political prisoners in the same cell blocks as the nonpolitical ones. That way if the hero decides to start releasing people indiscriminately, I can go on TV and publicly demand to know why he thought it was a good idea to put serial killers and multiple rapists back on the streets.
 * I will also hire several assassins, equip them with poison daggers, and have them masquerade as prisoners. When the hero shows up to throw open the doors of the prison, their job will be to discretely stab him/her on the way out.
 * I will ensure that people will not automatically be killed for dissenting opinions. That's an easy way to get the people resentful of my rule. They will be encouraged to say what they wish, thus it gives the illusion of honest debate, while I'm still in power.
 * Plus, it just drives the rebellion underground. If they start stating their goals publicly, I can refute them publicly.
 * I will not allow minions to strap explosives onto themselves for when things go south. This just leads to trouble when I'm trying to execute them, and makes them more vulnerable.
 * After defeating the nearby, less Genre Savvy but Eviler Than Thou Overlord, if I find that there is a Cutie in process of breaking, I will adopt her and have her train under same program with my other Ninja Maids. This way, I will have a Morality Pet that can be useful, and since she has already seen a worse overlord, the risk of her pulling a Heel Face Turn is slim.
 * I will also make sure to actually treat her as a Morality Pet. That way, if I die, the heroes might suddenly have to deal with a Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds.
 * When I decide to go "super-evil" And destroy an entire town with burning fire, I shall do it at the dead of night. If circumstances permit me only to destroy the town in the middle of the day, I will order my troops to check any nearby hills for possible children of the people I'm killing, and shoot them on sight. The last thing I need is another kid having a reason to try and kill me. And if my goons miss the kid, and they run into the town and happen to find me burning it up, AND I find out that the kid has some sort of sacred power, I shall kill him immediately. I shall not let him escape, I shall not say that he has a magic power, and above all, I SHALL NOT GIVE THE STUPID RED HEDGEHOG A PAIR OF SPEED BOOTS!, give him items or try to make him my minion. Something tells me that it will bite me later on if I do.
 * If I decide to make a giant mech to smite my enemies, I shall make a hidden button that activates a Weak Point. I shall not press this button untill my enemies try to override my mech, at which point I will press the button, eject out of the cockpit, wait untill the heroes get into the mech... and then blast the Weak Point with a rocket launcher/BFG (Whichever is the best avalible.)
 * If the hero has a One-Winged Angel form and attempts to use it on me, during the stage in which he goes "HRAAAAARGH" with a deep red glow i will immediately smash him to the floor with a swift haymaker punch.
 * I will wait until either I'm on the ropes or the hero's starting his contractually required World of Cardboard Speech before activating my own One-Winged Angel stunt. Then I can just blast the hero at full power while he's transforming.
 * The ultimate strategy is to eliminate the opponent's will to fight. This makes the ultimate weapon Seduction. This, in turn, makes creating Super Soldiers no more difficult than recruiting a Hooker with a Heart of Gold.
 * I will, however, make sure to have actual supersoldiers on hand in case I get a Chaste Hero or he's good enough in bed to turn the hooker. Just to keep all my bases covered.
 * If the hero gives you a box that he claims contains an object you really want, make sure the box isn't empty before you let him go.
 * But do not open the box yourself. Bombs, poisons, deadly animals, or other nasty surprises could be in there. Make sure to record the entire thing, that way you gain good publicity either way.
 * Insist that he open it, while your honor guard keeps guns/wands/whatever leveled at him. If it's the genuine article, he can just hand it over; if it's trapped, he trips it himself; if it's empty, you can broadcast the tape and call him honorless swine; if he tries to use or destroy it himself, he gets blasted before he does anything foolish; and in any case it fits the imperial pageantry much better than just "hand over the box and run".
 * The fifth possibility, that it is an dangerous animal of some kind, but one trained by and loyal to the hero, which will attack you no matter who opens the box, can be countered by having your best trained marksman point their gun above the box. If anything comes out of it, he is under orders to shoot immediately.
 * When I conquer a country, I will not culturally oppress the people. They will be allowed to continue any and all cultural holidays. Banning their culture will accomplish nothing but making them pissed at me.
 * If I make a bargain with anyone, I will do my best to actually hold up my end; lest it come back to bite me in the ass later. They only time I will backstab anyone is if I can kill everyone involved who could conceivably get back at me.
 * If the heroes fail to uphold their end of the bargain, I will make it widely known. Nothing ruins a hero's reputation like failing to honor a contract that even the Evil Overlord upheld.
 * All minions (or at least as many as is practical) will be required to know basic first aid.
 * I will keep the following items on my person at all times:
 * Lightweight, bulletproof body armor; easily concealed under my clothes.
 * A small handgun, and at least one magazine of extra ammo.
 * A combat knife.
 * A can of mace.
 * A bandolier of grenades, including two teargas canisters, two thermite/magensium charges, and two general purpose frags.
 * A gas mask and a small oxygen tank with at least an hour's worth of air in it, or a hell of a lot of filter cartriges.
 * A Swiss Army knife.
 * A roll of Duct Tape.
 * Any medical supplies I may need, including painkillers, general-purpose anidote, disinfectant, water-purification tablets, splints, bandages, and Brain Bleach.
 * Anything I can't sleep without, including pills, a scrap of my old security blanket, or a teddy bear.
 * An emergency transmitter linked to my elite squad of guards, complete with a panic button.
 * If my guards are equipped with poison, it shall be a mixture of no less than 18 different samples that cannot cancel each other out. Also, said poison will only be applied to bullets, not put in a bottle or syringe that is carried.
 * All guards' blood will either be altered to withstand every poison, or be replaced with artificial blood that destroys all toxins within the body.
 * If artificial blood is removed in any way other than one only I and my science team knows, it will self-destruct in a nonviolent way to prevent the destruction of my fortress to be from papercuts, such as immediate solidification when exposed to air.
 * I will first see what my universe's view of transhumanism and such are. If even slight deviations from the human pattern are a sign of Irredeemable Evil, I will stay clear of modding my guards because that is a good way to have insane monsters trying to kill me. If robots and mutants are people too, I will do this carefully and make sure the changes are temporary. If the heroes are allowed to use the power I'm giving the guards, I'll go right ahead. If the author's a transhumanist, odds are I'm opposed to this kind of stuff on principle anyway.
 * All weapons will be equipped with fingerprint scanners that will explode if touched too heavily, along with a voice recognition program that also tests for breath, heat, and moisture before starting. If weapon requirements aren't met, it will release an electric shock and explode.
 * On second thought, scrap explode if touched too heavily part. My mooks are people, people will get excited in heat of battle and they tend to grip thing too hard when excite.
 * What do you mean "my mooks won't get excite"? If I deploy Mecha Mook, Starfish Alien or have ability to remove annoying thing call emotion from human, surely there will be protection method far better than fingerprint scan.
 * While one can always dream, refitting every mook's equipment with such devices probably costs more than what the whole soldier is worth to me. Therefore, I will apply this solution for my personal elite units, AND for a number of random soldiers - about 1 in 20 sounds enough. I will ensure that equipment with recognition hardware is indistinguishable from regular gear. People will learn to be vary about stealing my men's stuff either way. (If this solution is still too expensive, I will simply make mooks with fixed weapons that cannot be separated from them. This will also help to prevent those annoying Dressing as the Enemy situations.)
 * If a certain personality keep suggesting an idea while holding the Idiot Ball, I we will consider removing it from the legion mind or at least let it handle non-overlord functions only.
 * Even the most "moral" societies have groups they idiotically discriminate against. As such, I shall study my the enemy culture's social hierarchy for peoples disenfranchised and discriminated due to race, creed, religion, gender or sexual orientation (see the corollary regarding Equal Opportunity Employment). I will offer sanctuary to these repressed groups within my empire and collect the super-scientists and magical powerhouses who were discriminated against in their home country. I scoop up a fresh collection of untapped human resources while painting the "good guys" as narrow minded bigots.
 * I will first, though, make sure that the author doesn't agree with the society on this point. I don't want to have an army full of gays in a conservative Author Tract, and I sure as hell don't want any all-black divisions in anything by H.P. Lovecraft.
 * If I decide to create a massive army of clones, I will not make them clones of Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, or any other sort of superpowered male badass. My clone army will instead consist of attractive women. They will receive all the training and exercise they need in order to become an effective army in addition to skills to help them develop possible lucrative careers outside of the military after I've taken over. This should make it much harder for the Heroes or the rebels to gun down my soldiers and once the war is over the clone army should be able to successfully raise families and help rebuild and repopulate the Empire. I will not have them genetically engineered for accelerated growth or any number of weird things that could potentially cause resentment to the generations of children born from my clone army. I want their children to enjoy happy childhoods and possibly consider joining the military when they themselves grow up.
 * If I hear a Leitmotif I will implement a device to silence it. I do not care how much of a badass they claim they are or by their "Fanbase" Only because it is distracting and will give the heroes morale.
 * If I am a Sissy Villain, I will not forgo body armor simply becaus it clashes with my ensemble. I will instead enquire after salmon-colored kevlar or hot pink spider-silk.
 * Or, I will make my costume so fabulous that any self-respecting hero has an epileptic fit just by looking, and heroines are incapacitated by jealousy.
 * I will not give away my backstory or plans for world domination to the heroes. They can either figure them out on their own or die trying. I have a country/megacorp to run, I have no time to play Exposition Fairy.
 * If any of my tech is Powered by a Forsaken Child, I will not kidnap street-urchins and other such orphans. Instead, I will clone the first successful test subject and genetically-engineer their pain receptors out of them. I will also seek out cruelty-free energy sources. Nothing incites the heroes to lay the Smack Down Upon an organization faster than torturing ankle-biters so their superweapons can run on Agony or Mental Anguish.
 * Or if it is confirmably powered on Agony, I will employ Masochists and Sadists to run it. After all, there are fetish clubs for this sort of thing, and they can always use the extra employment, as well as it being 'evidence' that I am in fact a non-discriminatory overlord.
 * Fetish clubbies may not be interested in that level of agony. Probably the safest bet is, if I must use such a technology or magic, to have it re-engineered so that I can power it, and put my Determinator cap on. There are very few Heroes who will fault me for inflicting terrible pain on myself, and those that do might not be threatening to my plans at all.
 * If my plan for world domination involves an ancient artifact of incredible magical power, I shall take the time to adequately study all texts and legends regarding it; If granting the hero a weapon capable of defeating me is the only way to obtain said MacGuffin, I will pass it up for another artifact of similar power. In addition, any artifact I may choose must remain in one piece rather than splitting off into three pieces, with the two remaining pieces going to the Hero and his love interest.
 * Before sending demonic shapeshifters to infiltrate the enemy, I will make sure that no animals or children are able to see through their disguises. They will also be trained to refrain from any kind of nonhuman behavior.
 * If I am a reasonably attractive female overlord, I shall dye my hair red before any encounter with the hero, if it is not already red. Heroes Want Redheads, after all, and by dying my hair red, I'm almost guaranteed that he will be distracted long enough for me to kill him or her. If I am a reasonably attractive male overlord, I will merely open my jumpsuit during such an encounter for the same effect.
 * Unless the hero is Australian. Redheads are called Rangas there for a Reason.
 * * grasp*  So I'm Takakazu Abe?
 * Saying "Yaranaika?" is an option for male.
 * I will not deploy useless holographic doubles. If my holograms can't inflict damage, then why bother?
 * If I really need to use it, I'll use them as distraction when my elite snipers, en masse and all hide with adaptive camo and kill the heroes.
 * Harmless holograms can still be used as lures or blinds. The hologram itself may not be dangerous, but everything around or behind it certainly can be.
 * I will not use adaptive camoflauge that stops working just before my mooks attack someone. Also, Mooks will be trained to keep their camo on at all times, unless specifically ordered to make themselves visible. I will also be able to detect cloaked minions, so they can't scuttle away when I need someone to talk to/berate for incompetence. My Lieutenants and I will also have cloaking units, so the Heroes can't just walk up and kill us.
 * On the other hand, that sort of camo ensures that the heroes never get the drop on the minions. Hm...
 * Have the Mooks wear Infrared goggles/equipment.
 * Alternately, I will look at how Thrawn used such techniques, and take advantage of it.
 * If I am female, then I should not overuse the privlige of claiming the hero is misogynistic, and under no means will I objectify myself.
 * Minions will be able to attack relentlessly, and not sit around waiting their turn to fight. Also, screw that "groups of three" bullshit. We're the bad guys. We don't have to wait our turns, and We Have Reserves, so GET IN THERE, DAMMIT!!!
 * If the universe I happen to live in shunts fights into an alternate timestream that does exactly this, I will make equipment that allows multiple attacks (or more attacks than usual) per "turn", as well as allowing the first hit in combat, standard issue. Said equipment will melt down when the user's lifesigns terminate. I will also make it illegal for civilians to obtain or sell this item. The Arbitrary Army Size Barrier will be studied exhaustively until I find a way to get around it. This includes the Lazy Backup Effect.
 * If the hero falls over, Minions will shank the SOB. He'd get them if they fell down, so why be so fucking nice?
 * Mecha-Mooks will have their battery packs securely fastened at all times, and lined with spikes/electrified. That way, if someone tries to swipe the power core, they just hurt theselves. Said battery packs will also be installed in multiple locations in groups of four, and will have a solar panel beneath them in case someone actually manages to get rid of one.
 * Once the heroes have worked that out, the external battery pack will have the spikes removed, and be repurposed to be easily removable so it can be used to power defibrilators, fire and rescue equipment, ice cream makers and automatic lollipop dispensers. Power to operate the Mecha Mook will be supplied by beaming it from a secure location.
 * And a solar panel on the head
 * And an internal, heavily armoured battery pack.
 * And a small internal combustion engine in either leg.
 * Redundency is your friend!
 * Mooks will not be linked to a central computer. Instead, they will operate on a Hive Mind with me at the center. Rather than shutting down if I bite it, they will go into Revenge Mode.
 * I will play creepy music when my most horriffically disfigured minions attack the hero, as well as flood the coridor with halluciogens. That way, I only need to play the song to reduce him to a gibbering wreck.
 * I will not use stock or well-known horror themes. Who Are You? (that tune in Final Fantasy VII where you find J.E.N.O.V.A.'s stasis pod) and Bach, Toccatta, and Fugue in "D" minor (the original Ominous Pipe Organ), while classics, have lost their edge.
 * If possible, I will find out the hero's most cherished nursery rhyme or upbeat song, distort it horribly, and use that for a Player Punch.
 * I will never employ an Evil Tower of Ominousness. Ostentatious lairs are what get stupid overlords killed.
 * If I do use a tower, I will start a rumor that my office is on the top floor. Said office will have a booby-trapped floor that plunges the hero all 83 stories down into the Biochemical waste dispsal in the sub-subbasement. I will be in an Elaborate Underground Base on the other end of town.
 * Combat uniforms will have no eye-catching colors, regardless of how good red-on-black or Florecent green on black looks. Camouflage was invented for a reason. Eye-catching colours will be reserved for dress uniforms, and half the soldiers in each battalion will wear dress uniforms at all times while the rest deploy around them in aforementioned camouflage.
 * Underwater bases. None of them.
 * Only if they are deep sea, and I mean bottom of the deepest trench deep and I have mutants that can breathe in the ocean at my disposal that can also withstand the pressure.
 * Starting with myself. If I am certain that I can survive without air and under high pressure, fine. I will remember this fact the next time I am choosing the place for my showdown with the hero. But on principle, I do not build my headquarters in a place that can potentionally become my deathtrap. (No matter how cool a middle of a volcano or a flying base sounds.)
 * Not a real base anyway. Nothing's better for discrediting a hero than saying they destroyed a defenseless underwater colony, killing thousands of citizens. No-one has proof to the contrary (as it's deep underwater) and it makes the hero sound more like a Complete Monster.
 * I will run a thorough background check on anyone applying to join my secret police or team of evil henchmen. This will help filter out enemy spies and alert me in advance if there is anything I should know about any of my staff. If, in spite of this, we still have a security breach, I will conduct an internal investigation as soon as possible to find out just how it happened.
 * Zombies are more trouble than they're worth. Perfectly healthy Minions can be given a pot of green makeup and acting lessons.
 * That being said, so are bio-weapons of any sort. Except for the kind you get by letting blood/excrement stagnate on a bayonet. Because it's easily controlled.
 * I will not use minions who desert, defect, or out-and-out panic when their leader dies. If my mooks can't be loyal in the first place, putting them under control of a slave driver is just going to make trouble.
 * Body Horror (Specifically, Lovecraftian Superpowers), while great for psychological warfare, really fucks up my minion's personal lives. Minions will be able to reverse and manifest their mutations at will. Yes, this does mean all my minions will be able to pull a One-Winged Angel.
 * Minions will be specially trained to utilize their mutations effectively in and out of combat. Clipped Wing Angels just don't cut it.
 * I will also avoid mutating the Hero's friend, lover, or relative. They'll break my mind control and attempt to kill me with the mutation that I've inflicted upon them. Even if they don't, it tends to cause Unstoppable Rage.
 * As an alternative to Rule 67, should we have a security system that shorts out so often that my guards begin to become jaded to it, I will enquire after something more robust.
 * I will carefully weigh the benefits of wearing a cape to not wearing one. While the impressive effect of a grand billowing cape cannot be underestimated and saves minutes of oration when cowing the easily swayed masses, wearing a cape is asking for it to become a deadly liability.
 * If I do choose to wear a cape, there will be no less than three clasps or buttons worked into it that will allow me to instantly get rid of the cape. Style is important, but survival is paramount.
 * Also, any cape I wear will be made out of a cheap and flimsy fabric that tears easily. Thus, if it gets caught on anything then it will tear without inconveniencing me. Any flight, invisibility, or other powers I have will be built into less cumbersome articles of clothing is possible.
 * If an underling ever asks why I don't simply shoot the hero there and then, and I don't have reasonable answer, he/she/it may be right and shall be rewarded.
 * If I learned that hero was raised in a certain orphanage that he still considers home, I will not send my legion to run it down. Instead, I will "offer" to fund the place and reorganize it - using my Ear Worm theme song as orphanage's anthem is the very first step.
 * I will upgrade the Quirky Miniboss Squad to Ragtag Bunch of Misfits, including but not limited to a Villain Protagonist, a Lancer, a Smart Guy, a Big Guy and a Dark White Magician Girl. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
 * I will also make sure the White Magician Girl is a Combat Medic. Just because I'm evil doesn't mean the minions can't get healed in the middle of a fight.
 * The Smart Guy will get to use an armor better than several layers of felt. Wizards, contrary to popular belief, are only squishy because they don't get any real protection.
 * However strictly I feel I must stay to the rules above, I will always remember that I am, first and foremost, The EVIL Overlord. As such, any and all privileges that staff, minions, henchmen and townsfolk have can and will be revoked if it's needed.
 * If my evil plan requires sucking life energy from people, harvesting organs, making soylent green, or extracting bodily fluids from corpses, then I will make sure to do the grisly work in a clean environment out of sight of the general population. While it may be useful to occasionally publicly execute my enemies or to have corpses laying around to instill an environment of dread and fear... I should at least be able to keep things neat and tidy when necessary.
 * My guards will, at all times, carry a list with names and descriptions of people who are allowed entrance. They will also be informed that allowing in anyone who's not on the list, for any reason, will result in execution. Anyone who refuses to believe that their names aren't on the list, and insists that "there must be some kind of mistake", will be sent to the interrogation chamber.
 * Said interrogation chamber will be used to hold suspects while the guards check if it's really a documentary mistake (like a misspelled name or if the post's documents have failed to update about my assassin's recent loss of his eye). If it isn't, the suspects will be thrown into the basement dungeons for more serious interrogation.
 * If I have a choice between getting a new toy just because the overlord down the street got one, and upgrading my organization's equipment, I will get the equipment upgrade. Having a private battleship/space station/KillSat/etc./etc. is all well and good, but when the hero comes knocking, would you rather be shooting JHP ammo from a six-shooter or explosive bullets from a Tacticool?
 * While I'm at it, I will allow my henchmen/legion of doom troops to submit suggestions for possible upgrades. Being on the field, they'll know what we need, and there's no sense letting the heroes exploit the same weakness over and over again.
 * Keep in mind that revolvers actually suck and Katanas take several years of non-stop training to use effectively. Just because something works flawlessly on TV, doesn't mean it won't fall flat on it's ass in Real Life. That, and Minions have a horrffic track record when it comes to hiting something smaller than the side of my fortress. They don't do so well with swords, either.
 * Who cares about real life? GENRE SAVVY!
 * If the Idiot Ball is a physical object, I will take steps to weaponize it. I will also take steps to contain the weapons-grade stupidity seeping out of the weapon. It just won't do to have minions forget that the skinny end is the one that hurts (or you keep the ring and throw the ball).
 * If my EvilPlans involve immersing myself in The Lifestream, I will first dip a toe in to see what happens. I will also wait an hour after eating to enter.
 * Female minions will be given more protective equipment than metal lingere'.
 * detailed here
 * Failure will be punished by demotion and a round of brainwashing, rather than summary execution. Dead minions can't fight. Besides, brainwashing is fun!
 * When assembling teams, I will go through everyone's backstories to check for possible sources of conflict. If one of the potential members happens to blame another for the tragedy that ruined his life, they do not work together.
 * I will make it clear that anyone caught browsing a dirty magazine, playing a videogame, talking on his mobile phone, or napping while on duty will be fired. Out of a cannon. Negligence is what allows heroes to slip in.
 * All Artifacts of power and relics will be destroyed along with all ruins that contain lost magic; those things are always a thorn in the side of every major Evil Overlord.
 * I will have guards trained to reconize moving bushes.
 * I will not use radiation or any radioactive materials in my lair; it is expensive enough to make specialized suits to resist radiation from Material X, not to mention that if there is a meltdown to a reactor it will cause terrible PR even if it is in an isolated area like a forest or the mountains, I don't want the EPA on my ass about killing off poor bunnies and forest animals from the explosion or the ensuing fallout. I may be an Evil Overlord, but even I have enough common sense.
 * Only I will have the control to the magnetized chambers of my lair, I can't let anyone of my organization have such a device in their hands on the off chance they join my enemy; and possibly that they will muck around with it to make some damned faux hockey rink out of something I spent a lot of money on.
 * Also: All of my minions will have implanted microchips used to repel the magnetization, which will destruct after their death to prevent usage.
 * Minions will have their weapons intergrated into their armor, such as helmet-mounted pistols and Arm Cannons. Armor will also be equipped with a toxin injector, the venom of which will be tailored not to hurt that minion (or their identical twin). Therefore, if a hero attempts to pull the old "clothing swap trick", he will get poisoned, and he will not be able to divest my minions of their guns.
 * Alternatively, minions will wear suits with individually unique built-in computer system that is required to open locks, operate their weapons, etc. Each minion will have a unique microchip put either under their skin or under a flesh-colored patch, the absence of which will lock down the suit, trigger an alarm, and issuing a paralyzing electric shock if used on a lock, weapon, etc.
 * If possible, I will also look into instead making a performance booster/healing serum for the suits that is toxic/caustic/acid/venom/poison/against the hero's personal code to use. If it one of the deadly options I will have all mooks either implanted/bio-engineered for resistance or develop and immunity. This way resources in the suit are still helpful, but also serve as a method from keeping it from being worn.
 * I will make sure factory by-producs and mine tailings are properly disposed of. Living in the middle of Mordor, while great for atmosphere (figuratively, of course), just screams "He's fuckin' evil!!!"
 * I will make it clear to Eagle Land and the pale-skinned folk that I reconize neither their apparent "right" to police the world nor their supposed "Natural Superiority", and if they want me to cough up the MacGuffin or dissassemble my superweapons, they've got another thing coming (It'll be riding an ICBM and will be able to take out a city). Moreover, if they want to come over and take it/her/them, they're gonna have a fight on their hands.
 * However, I will only do this if I can actually back up my threats. Saddam Hussein learned the hard way that challenging such a foe who has you thoroughly outclassed in every respect is suicide. I will not attempt to bluff the bigger fish. Instead, I will do everything possible to make sure I am too small for them to care about. Propaganda is for the consumption of my subjects, not the rest of the world.
 * Corollary: I will never believe my own propaganda. It's one thing for my army to think they can beat Eagle Land, but I must never imagine that I can if I can't.
 * If I ever go a-conquering—you know, just me and the guys, as a mid-Sunday hunting trip—I will make sure to put someone competent, but not too ambitious on the throne in my abscence. I will make it clear that I'm coming home, and the kingdom is on loan, not a gift. And if he fucks it up, I'll fuck him up.
 * Also, if I find an abandoned baby, I will make sure to adopt him/her before it ends up getting Raised by Wolves. Those guys are always trouble.
 * If I am dying and want to continue my plot by Brain Uploading, the supercomputer better have access to the internet or another area so I will not be bored in my confinement to a machine and I can create a copy or escape elsewhere.
 * If there are any hostages important to the hero I will execute them immediately instead of stowing them somewhere they could be found, If confronted by the hero. I will lie and say that they are alive somewhere dangerous, luring the sod into a deathtrap or ambush. On the off chance that rage empowers or motivates the hero and he escapes to confront me, I will be well prepared with an escape route which will be destroyed upon my escape.
 * If I have to create a computer virus, I will also create a program to circumvent the use of it on my own machinery, and if the enemy reverse engineers it by modifying the coding, the very same program will be based on the same source code to neutralize all assaults from that computer virus in general.
 * Chimeras are a no go, even though it may seem interesting to mix and match creatures and play with life in general, they are still beasts and highly unpredictable.
 * Collaries if they must be used
 * They should be kept in confinement cages in a hallway and then set upon the hero at once when he enters, said cages must be durable enough so that they do not injure my henchmen. Said henchmen will not be allowed to feed or interact with them; there will be tubes for food and water above each cage. Henchmen who tease and anger them will be reprimanded as a warning and executed by me if they repeat their mistake. I will have alternate hallways and exits for henchmen if the Chimeras are loose.
 * I will not make one strong enough that it will break free and run amok in the base, destroying everything and attacking my men, nor will I let it free myself. It will be kept under lock and key with a keycode and a piano and will only be released as a last resort. Before creating it though there must be a way how to kill it on the off chance it turns on me or joins the hero.
 * The research lab that they are born in will only be a temporary stay for several weeks before being transported, I don't want them growing up and destroying a good research facility that I probably spent millions on.
 * I will not make them part machine, even though it may seem easier to clean up after them, and are more durable than most, it is lengthy and expensive, and their machinery could be fried if the hero uses some type of electrical weaponry which would cause them to go amok or just short them out in general.
 * However, if that "I created you so you can't touch me" thing is going on, I will use them.
 * I will make sure to find the fine line between Awesome but Impractical and Awesome but Practical, and never cross it. A Base on Wheels or an Airborne Aircraft Carrier may sound cool, but what about dirt roads and air pockets? Or interceptors? Or nuclear land mines? (come to think about it, even a man-portable nuke can take out a superheavy) I will only use massive and insanely complex vehicles and/or weapons if I know I can make them work.
 * I will not use a door-lock system that de-activates when the hero kills everyone in the room. Instead, when s/he kills the last person, the room will collapse.
 * I will make all my minions pass psych eval and IQ tests. Idiot minions generally forget orders, and respond to such orders as "Kill her" or "Strap him down" with "But datz mean, boss..." Insane minions will only be allowed if they're of the amusingly mad type, and kept the fick away from anyone or anything important.
 * I will not give my favorite /firstborn kid a cool theme name like "Mordryd" and my other kids throwaway names like Jimmy. Given the ammount of bickering evil children are prone to, Mordryd's probably gonna get a pen in the eye and the minions are gonna have to learn how to serve a guy named "Lord Jimmy" with a straight face.
 * I will keep careful records of all the towns I pilliage, and will do so only when nescessary. Nothing pisses the hero off like finding out that the complete massacre of his hometown was an average weekend out for me.
 * I will make sure to keep my priorities in order:
 * Priority number 1: My own life, comfort, and safety (except in a plan that ends with my death, which I should keep in mind, is the FINAL step of the plan, and should only occur at such a time.)
 * Priority number 2: My EvilPlans. No, killing the hero is NOT as important as furthering my own goals, except when they are directly threatening Priority Number 1.
 * Priority number 3: My reign of terror, also maintaining my Legions of Doom.
 * For that matter, switch 2 and 3. I can always come up with another Evil Plan if my current one fails, but if I lose what power I have already, it'll take a lot of planning just to get back to square one. My EvilPlans should be for the purpose of maintaining and expanding my life and reign of terror, not the other way around.
 * Priority number 4: The hero. (Remember to be pragmatic here. No need to play fair, or anything. Take advantage of his/her inherent naivete and weaknesses.) Never confuse this with Priority Number 1. Because trying to take the hero with you is a good way to get killed.
 * To summarize all these lists into something easy to remember: I will not be a damned fool. I will not be overly prideful. I will not side with or attempt to control anything bigger, better, or more powerful then I am. I will take reasonable and reliable precautions whenever available. I will NOT be a damned fool. I will do everything in my power to stop the hero or heroes, and I will make sure I don't give them any advantages. I will make sure my Legions of Doom are loyal, intelligent, and skilled (And Equal Opportunity employment.) I will be attentive and careful at all times. I will not have any moral or ethical code that might inhibit me from taking every advantage I can get my hands on. I will stay up to date on any important development. Most importantly, I will keep in mind the fact that I am not Immortal, Invincible, or in any way unstoppable, because I am, in fact, unfortunately mortal.
 * I call them "mooks", but really, they will all be highly-trained badasses.
 * Access to any area of the base that could be remotely important will require a full palm scan, retinal scan, key card, voice recognition, and a password of at least 9 random digits. The scanners will be programmed to tell if someone is dead, in case the hero tries to carry somebody's dead body to the scanner.
 * In the event that I am ever bottled, I will ensure that I am either unconscious or have some outside means of entertainment, (or better yet, can leave the universve altogether until the release). Also, if someone has released me demanding power, I will not kill him/her immediately, instead I will use his knowledge of the different time period, and give him a high position when I regain my authority.
 * I will make sure that any mercenaries or bounty hunters I hire do not have any odd quirks to get in the way of their objectives. Noting is more dissapointing than learning that they didn't do their job because there was a wounded animal nearby and he "had to nurse the poor thing back to health".
 * Upon further consideration, I WILL offer a bounty to any henchman who captures the Hero. The bounty will be offered to all who assist in this capture. I will, however, pay in goods other than cold hard cash, to prevent inflation.
 * If I offer to pay someone, I will keep the vow, and NOT kill them once they are no longer useful. It worked for Warlord Zsinj.
 * If my R&D team invents a bomb that can't be defused, I will get them to develop an ICBM that can't be retargeted.
 * My fortress will not have bad muzak (like there's such a thing as good muzak). I will also make sure to get suggestions for the background music, and not have it all pop or Three Chords and the Truth, but rather a mix of all genres we can all live with. People are less effective when thinking "I hate this friggin' song". Minions also fight harder to Metal than Teenybopper, so when the alarm goes off, the background music instantly switches to a sufficiently awesome Heavy Mithril album, for example, Gods of War. Or anything from a Command & Conquer soundtrack.
 * I will keep all new weapons top secret until I develop armor that protects against it.
 * If I know where the Sword of Plot Advancement and Forged by the Gods armor are, and am unable to use them due to those Darkness-awful Morality Locks (or destroy them outright), I will booby trap them so nobody can use them against me. The last thing I need is some Mary Sue (especially a Canon Sue) weilding my Achilles' Heel coming at me just before I complete the final Human Sacrifice needed to turn me into a God of Evil.
 * If, by any chances, they are stored underground / in deep caves / some elaborate structures (which seems to be a lot), I'll just collapse the whole place and bury all those artifacts, dump a whole lot of concrete over the area, and set some people to watch over the area in case of heroes coming in to investigate the area.
 * Also, if possible and won't end up in a large disaster, such as the monsters in area dig up the cement, even if nobody blames me for it or it won't lower my public PR, I will use my resources to build a prosperous city on top of the cement filled area after I make sure there are no barracks that have accidentally formed somehow. On top of the most likely area that the item will be and dug down to, I will build a very good hospital that takes care of all diseases or issues, magical or biological, and have it that the basement will be needed for the proper running of the hospital. This way, the hero cannot/will not/doesn't think of digging down in that area to get the item. This hospital, payed for by me and my technology/magic, will not only be good for my PR, but a person will indeed get it into his head to dig down into basement and I will have guards in the hospital. If it's the hero then they will have to waste time trying to explain to everybody why in hell they were doing something that could possibly take down a very effective hospital that is, in fact, run by the very person they are getting the weapon to take that person down.
 * If I am accountable to a superior, and I have failed him, I will not blame my failure on my minions or colleages, nor will I ask for a paycheck or a raise. This often leads to you being executed, as a common trait of Starscreams is that they care more about themselves than their employer. I will instead take full responsibility for my failure.
 * Destroy humanity. They're just not worth the effort of enslaving, really.
 * But make sure to absolutely destroy them, or else they'll bit you back, HARD.
 * It pretty much answers itself.
 * If one lone scientist warns me that my latest plan will unleash horrifying forces upon me, I will put him on my top advisory committee instead of trying to discredit him.
 * Rather than trying to fufill prophecies, I will stay the heck away from them. The last thing I need is for a group of fanatics pointing out that I'm acting like a Nikolai Carpathia Expy.
 * Given a choice between killing a specific high-ranking enemy with a 30 megaton ICBM, and a gun, I'd choose the gun. It does put me in danger, but it's the only way to bypass his Plot Armor.
 * All protagonists who attempt to kill me will be given a computer with Internet access as a reward. And this will be the Home Page. That ought to give me enough time to reach my Escape Vehicle and start the self-destruct sequence.
 * I will found, christen, donate to, and attend charity events of an animal hospital and adoption center regularly. This will not only boost my PR, but the heroes will waste time trying to find out what sort of sinister reason there is that would justify my involvement. If the heroes try to bring it down, not only will they find that there wasn't anything suspicious happening there, but also makes them look much less heroic in the eyes of the public for destroying the place that takes care of all those helpless animals.
 * In addition, I will make sure that the hospital services some form of commonly perceived as evil, but not so evil that the won't be adopted, animal, such as snakes. This will make the heroes even more confused and even more certain that something bad is going on.
 * The animals will be treated well, and will not, under any circumstances, used in my evil plots.
 * Unless I am SURE that this universe has a Lost Aesop, I will refrain from pointing out any contradictions, grey areas, or other weaknesses in the hero's moral code. Odds are that the author put more thought into rebutting my complaints than the complaints themselves.
 * If I'm aware that my death will triggers whatever nonsensible force to collapse my Supervillain Lair, I will make sure this also applies with all The Empire public structures such as aqueduct and mine shaft (just like my lair, I built most of them anyway). And I will remind the heroes that killing me mean years of drought and mineral shortage to millions people.
 * That, or triggers a Doomsday Device which will detonate immediately after my Video Will / Nice Job Breaking It, Hero gloat ends, and my death means The End of the World as We Know It.
 * Rather than booby traps that kill outright, I will have booby traps that do character assassination as well. For example; a bookshelf full of porn swing open when the hero steps through the laser sensor. All magazines will be coated in poison, so once he flips through his favorite naughty puplication, he drops dead. I merely need to display his corpse with a deathgrip on a Hentai for the ire of the masses over his death to fade into "I can't beleive we idolized that perv".
 * I will have a large ammount of said poison waft into the air when the shelf opens, just in case wonderboy happens to be one of those bloody chaste heroes. I will also have a vaccum chamber just after the poison porn, just in case he packs a gasmask. I can simply plant a naughty book on him afteward.
 * I will ensure I stock the shelf with all types of porn. The last thing I need is to have the hero saunter past the dirties because his only turn-on was something like gay scalies or tentacle rape. I can still get him (see above), but it's easier not to have to slap anonther layer on the deathtrap.
 * I will make sure never to read the stuff myself where others can see me. If I need "adult" entertainment, it will be stored in a secure place, with an anti-eavesdropping EMP curtain and vault doors coded to my fingerprints, eyescan, voiceprint, DNA, and psychic information, and with at least one combination lock and two key-type locks.
 * If the hero has a particularly gentle, nice, and sweet companion, I will not torture or otherwise provoke him/her. I will, however, attempt to keep some genuinely nice, gentle people around who are loyal to me personally.
 * The first thing that my Legions of Terror learn as part of their training will be that standing perfectly still out in the open during a firefight is not going to help their life expectancy.
 * If body armor cannot protect my minions, I won't issue it. What's the point?
 * If this is true, I will also help them to look stylish, if there's no point in armor, making them look cool can make them killable but not disposable.
 * If I manage to capture one of the heroes, I figure out what kind of weakness allow me to capture this one at first. Then perform other methods like psychic interrogation, DNA scanning and computer simulations to futher discovery on their weaknesses and abilities. This data will then be present at the next advisors meeting for analysis and exploiting it.
 * If the reason I can capture this one make no sense, it's possibly a trap. I will continue the experiment process but with great caution.
 * The range of experiment will be decide depend on the captive. For instance, Child Mage or The Hero's little sister are unlikely to provide much useful information by physical examination and better use for bargain. I will only consider full surgical dissection if the captive is The Hero or The Ace.
 * Or a vivisection if I need the subject alive after the study is complete.
 * I will have minions search out every weapon merchant in the land and either employ him or buy out all his stocks. With any luck the heroes will have no acess to equipment above the starters.
 * This also applies to Anti Villains who are playing my security for fools. If this fellow can out-smart / out-plan my Inner Circle and I, We can probably put him to good use. Especially if he's stealing out of my trophy case.
 * I will refrain from using the standard supervillain insults. "Imbecile" and "You Fool!", A) Lower minion self-esteem, and B) while they get the point across, are cliche'.
 * I will never directly insult the Minion's culture or race. The individual is weak, the whole is insurmountable.
 * If I am the Villain in a Porn with Plot, I will not be one of those idiots who screws 24 /7. The body has enough blood to fuel the brains or the nether regions, not both.
 * I will also never expect someone to sleep with me, or so much as rest their head in my lap, to prove their loyalty.
 * If I have a creepy fetish, such as black leather and chains, schoolgirl uniforms, or animal costumes (or even worse, all three at once), I will get my personal psychologist to invert my kink into a "don't go there" to take advantage of Good People Have Good Sex. Exceptions for Conveniently-Common Kink or actually being a humanoid animal.
 * However, if this is a Safe, Sane, and Consensual Author Tract where the villain is expected to have boring sex, I'll nail whoever I want however I want (if my partner/s agrees to it and is at least 18, of course).
 * No using genetic engineering for said creepy fetishes. If I've got to go through such waste for sex toys, I should step down.
 * If, however, genetically engineering myself to play along with my fetishes may be helpful, I willconsider it (just abot everything has its pros and cons. Most have more cons then pros, though). Preferably with the assistance of a trusted advisor with the will to contradict me. I will watch this advisor carefully afterwards, and make sure he is informed this was special. In the event of being unable to decide, I will go with no.
 * If I have other means to gain control of the kingdom then force a princess to marry me, I'll go with this plan instead. Also, I'll make sure to remember that "princess" is not synonym to "first beauty in the country" or to "perfect wife for evil lord."
 * A Backstabbing wife can be dangerous to have around, but she can provide necessary training. If I never relax in her company, I am less likely to relax when the hero comes to assassinate me.
 * If the hero does manage to kill me, I will use the hidden weapon, I have on my person, not on the hero (he will probably dodge it any anyway,) but at the said backstabbing wife. My Final Speech will be: "Did you a favor." Then die.
 * Should I discover an alien planet with sentient life hostile to my goals, I will genetically engineer a plague that works on them (and ONLY on them) and kills after 24 hours as well as a temporary cure. This plague shall be carefully engineered and tested to ensure that it cannot, under any circumstances, infect humans. Still, I will ensure that my minions (and myself) wear special bio-hazard suits outside of a few sterilized area into which aliens cannot go. After the population is infected and enough have died for them to be worried, I'll offer the 24 hours worth of antidote every day in return for a lifetime of free slave labor. Any who refuse will, obviously, be left to die.
 * If the universe I happen to be in also has necromantic magic, I will also make burying or incinerating the corpses of the dead slaves punishable by death. That way, I have a group of meat-puppets to use in gas-filled parts of the mines.
 * Before I do this, however, I will do detailed research on the burial customs and death rituals of my new slave race, and avoid violating them horribly. I will also be careful to avoid abusing them or making it obvious that they are my slaves. While quashing their rebellion would, obviously, be only a matter of witholding the medication for 48 hours, there's no point in giving the heroes the opporunity to cause havoc in my empire.
 * I will pretend to care for my minions to keep morale up, but in actuality I will be sure that I do not, in any way, care about them. That way, I won't go crazy should they turn against me. I'm looking at you, Azula.
 * If there is an indigenious tribe near my secret military installation, I will ally with them by making them dependent on whatever technology or substance I have to offer them in exchange for helping me fight the resistance and training soldiers how to fight using their primitive weapons so that Rock Beats Laser will work in my favor. If their ecosystem has a shared consciousness, I'll deliberately feed it false memories implicating the resistance in destroying the environment of my home country or planet.
 * If said shared consciousness extends to the entire damn planet, includes the resistance's minds, and/or is otherwise impossible/impractical/dangerous to trick, I will reverse my environmentally-unsound practices and declare the place a national park. It's good for PR, and a shared consciousness could be a valuable ally.
 * If I'm not already batshit, I will at least pretend to be so I can plead insanity at my trial.
 * I will have a suggestion box outside my office. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll read anything the mooks stuff in there, but it will raise morale.
 * Alternatively, I will read the suggestions. Who knows? They might actually have a point.
 * Mooks will have their libido supressed to nil while on duty, regardless of gender. This will allow me to use the money the other overlords are using for the base whorehouse for weapons R&D, and solve the problems arising from accidentaly having Limpwrist squad or the Amazon Brigade guarding the hero, and make every one of my minions Ignore the Fanservice.
 * If the Green Rocks my Mad Scientist team is using in their research causes horrendous mutation, but also can be used to do magic, I will make sure to have the devices powered by it be bulletproof and make uniforms insulated against its radiation before having what amounts to little more than a bottle of the stuff and a handful of wires strapped to someone's arm.
 * I will watch Burn Notice religiously and take notes on everything that Michael Westen does, including what details to research that are left out of the show. That information is invaluable for either setting up plans and/or counters of my own, or anticipating wht the hero might do and take the appropriate actions.
 * The architect who planned my top-secret dungeon, its traps, and its escape routes is doomed from the moment he signed on. As are any external service personnel I absolutely must hire to provide upgrades, such as the poor sod who put in the central A/C.
 * I will train regularly with my (most loyal) troops (using blunted weapons) and will not expect them to always lose to me. Instead, I will concentrate on genuinely improving my own abilities, until I am able to use The Dragon as my sparring partner on a regular basis. Not only will this improve our working relationship, but it will mean that in the event that he dies or Heel Face Turns, I am capable of holding my own against him and/or his killer. On a similar note, I will suggest to The Dragon that he teach an apprentice, or at the very least, train The Brute and any Psychos For Hire we may contract. This will help to increase group cohesion, and will also ensure that in the event that any one of the above Heel Face Turn, I will have at least one individual on staff capable of killing, or at least seriously injuring them.
 * I will make myself look as human as possible, looking demonic/Angelic, or like any sort of Beast Man will, while it makes me look intimidating, will, ultimately, make it easier for the heroes to kill me when/if the time comes.
 * I will make sure that The Dragon is not my only capable servant. The Brute will be a Genius Bruiser and a remorselessly loyal sociopath; if arrangeable he will also be good friends (or at least friendly rivals) with The Dragon, so that I can send them both after the heroes at once. If he is the leader of the Mooks he will also either forgo some of his cruelty in order to be a A Father to His Men, or (if totally evil) will at least be a competent strategist and leader, who the men can trust, and follow bravely; while the lowest ranking member of my inner circle, he will be kept up to date on plans so that he does not inadvertently sabotage them (and after all, he's likely to be my most loyal follower to boot, so why risk offending him?). My Evil Genius will be allowed to comment on any aspects of the plan that he thinks needs work (why have an Evil Genius otherwise?) and will also be given any cybernetic upgrades, Powered Armour, Super Serum, biological modifications, or Mecha-Mooks that he feels are necessary to give him combat abilities similar to those of The Brute and The Dragon. The Dark Chick will be a Chick. Specifically, she will be my Victorious Childhood Friend who has been playing Risk with me and helping me plan to conquer the world since we were five years old. She will be able to hold her own with the boys, and will have eyes only for me. As we are absolutly made for one another, I will of course listen to her advice (and adding a female viewpoint might not be a bad idea). At least one of the above will be a suitably Cold Sniper who can take The Hero down, without having to close in physically. If I am a Magnificent Bastard, other members of the Five-Bad Band will have Manipulative Bastard, The Chessmaster and The Trickster characteristics spread out among them. Not only will it prevent me from having to do all the work, but it will mean that there are multiple people who can point out problems with my plans. None of them will be a Smug Snake, or if they are they will be of Lord Cutler Beckett level effectiveness, meaning that they are still useful to me, and will have plans only slightly less brilliant than my own. They will all be Dangerously Genre Savvy, and know that betraying me will only ensure their own defeat in the long run.
 * I will plan according to my budget. If I do not have the money to design and mass produce the kind of technology required for many of the above precautions or if I don't have the good managers required to supervise my minions and make sure they actually follow protocol at all times, I will try to find a less expensive option and fix what I can.
 * I will not, under any, ANY ciricumstances, squander a superpowerful female soldier, loyal to me due to love and capable of one-shotting tanks by looking at them funny, by having her destroy herself in an effort to kill the entirety of my enemy's military. Especially if the enemy has one more or less just like her. I shall find a way to keep her in the field. Superpowerful women - loyal ones particularly - are extremely hard to come by. I'll make sure to... reward her as I (and, quite importantly, she) sees fit. This takes care of both my powerful superweapon and lovelife departments.
 * Any idea which crosses my mind which seems to only be there because I think it would be cool, regardless of practicality or good sense will be ignored. Yes, developing bands of minions to act to popular character types would be pretty neat, but I wouldn't want to be distracted from my overall plans by the little things.
 * That's what lieutenants exist for. If the Overlord finds out there's no underlings competent enough to pull such side-projects and loyal enough to put them in charge of that much, this should be considered an emergency in and of itself.
 * If a minion or civilian suggests something that is halfway decent, I will give him the credit for a good idea, rather than just stealing it. That way, if it fails, I can finger-point.
 * I will offer top-notch dental and medical benifits, as well as a GI's Grant. Loads of people sign up for that sort of thing.
 * As a corollary to all the benefits I will offer, I will make sure that everyone knows about these benefits. That way when I tell The Hero that We Can Rule Together, he can't say something clever like "Yeah right, I know the way you treat your minions."
 * I will invest in man portable miniguns, and make them standard issue. That way, I've got More Dakka and Everything's Better with Spinning without sacrificing Revolvers Are Just Better. Close-combat weapons will be chainswords. I will also see about cramming these onto armored vehicles.
 * If, for whatever reason, I need to talk with the hero while holding him at gunpoint, I will not use 500 Mooks pointing pistols at him. This not only consumes space, but makes it more likely that the bullets will hit other mooks or myself, as per Conservation of Ninjutsu. I will not use a single highly trained marksman, as the hero will most likely be able to dodge bullets. Instead, I will use three highly trained marksmen. One to shoot at him from the front where he expects it, one to shoot him after he dodges the first bullet, and one with a machine gun to completely obliterate the corpse.
 * If I know of a possible hero beginning his quest, I will make sure to fill his group of True Companions with my minions. The Non-Human Sidekick will be the Sleep Mode Size of one of my hulking guard-beasts. The Obi-Wan will follow my Religion of Evil, and will surreptitiously leave details out, like the fact that the Seven Prismic Jewels, when put in the altar, will give me ultimate power instead of summoning my weakness. Not only will the scantily-clad Action Girl be a Horny Devil in my employ, the White Mage will be one, too. Betty and Veronica as Morton's Fork, plus a subversion of Sensible Heroes, Skimpy Villains. I'll even have the travelling shopkeeper giving the hero weapons that will self-destruct on my command. None of these will be implemented until the hero had defeated my weakest form, and I pretend to die instead of going One-Winged Angel. They will also all have anti-Heel Face Turn measures taken. In the event that the hero is able to fight off the entire rest of his Five-Man Band, plus all his quirky allies, they will all be "revealed to be evil copies," and the hero will "free the real ones." These will all be clones with the exact same powers and programming as the originals, but that will be a little sneakier this time.
 * All weaponry that can overheat and explode in my face will have a tempurature-operated failsafe, that will render the weapon completely inoperable if removed or tampered with, except for repairs/upgrades (and no, jamming a coin in the fuse slot will not work). Said weapon will also have a simple yet effective cooling system. Any weapons that are powerful enough to one-shot my fortress will be permanently pointed outwards from it. If the ammo for this fortress-killing gun could be wired to explode, and still destroy my fortress, I'll put it in a bunker far enough away that the explosion will only destroy said bunker.
 * My doomsday devices will not have a lengthy charge-up time, and will have a countdown timer just for show. They will be ready to use as soon as the hero waltzes into my control room. In addition, the conspicious 'off' button will activate the device immediately.
 * If I take up playing an instrument, I will stay away from the Ominous Pipe Organ.
 * I will familiarize myself with the technique known as Obfuscating Stupidity, and I will use it frequently. If the hero is Genre Savvy, he or she will be afraid and think twice before attacking. If not, I get an easy kill.
 * I will bring Mooks into my army by funding their education at my nation's top school, thereby ensuring they are intelligent and capable of quick thinking. I will put them through Training from Hell, and I will use it to forge them into one large group of True Companions. I will also select the best soldiers for membership in an elite group based on the US Marine Corps, and they will be the first responders to any emergency.
 * This elite force will not be the first enemy the heroes face in a large-scale battle. On the contrary, I will arrange my armies with the least capable soldiers in the front and have the most Badass soldiers as my personal bodyguards. By the time the heroes reach them, they will have exhausted their energy on my immense army.
 * If the "Stop Having Fun!" Guys bitch about you "cheating" if you beat them while using a tactic, it becomes SOP.
 * I will always value a small force of capable people (read: able to cause more than a few minutes' setback to the hero) over a vast army consisiting largely of weaker Mooks. While I admit that low maintenance cost is certainly a draw, I am not getting my money's worth if the hero dispatches my minions without easily or I am forced to shoot them myself as they come to me to report their failure. Even if I wanted to use their high numbers for terrorizing the populace, it creates bad precedent if my minions are seen as incompetent jerks rather than representatives of my own fearful self. I need the hero and others to think twice before attacking anyone wearing my uniform, rather than gaining self-confidence through small victories against my forces.
 * If I am some form of vampire, I will calculate the amount of nourishing substance I need per day, divided by the amount one person can safely give. Multiply that number times the number of days it takes to fully recover from the draining. This tells me the minimum number of willing donors I should cultivate. (Un)life is much easier when I'm not leaving corpses all over the place.
 * If my bites suck, I will take steps to fix this, or at least explore topical anasthesia.
 * If my bites turn people into new vampires, I will do everything within my measures to fix this. It thins out my foodstock and creates more potential vampiric evil overlords to concurrence me. Collory if my type of vampire induces a hivemind structure.
 * My donors will be treated very well, and compensated for their service. They will most certainly not be treated like cattle. The more I put into making them loyal, the more power I have. They will not only not help any misguided heroes slay me and end the good thing we've got going, they might recruit friends.
 * Summation: Inferior species or not, my particular food source has thoughts and feelings. I'd do well to remember that.
 * I will consider the benefits and the disadvantages of sparkling. It draws a lot of fangirls to me that can be used to form my army (see above) while convincing almost everybody else that I am not a real vampire and thus not a threat. On the other hand, it ravages my credibility.
 * I will never wait with renewing whatever it is that sustains my life, but will do it as early and as often as possible. If my unlife requires that I sacrifice a virgin every full moon then there will be a harem of virgins kept well fed and treated but always prepared in different locations. Holding off the search until the last minute will just make me do something really stupid, like go after the hero's girlfriend merely out of desperation.
 * If my pet Mad Scientist manages to cook up a group of Frankensteins Monsters or non-human-based Super Soldiers that happens to have full sentience, with all the emotions and capacity for grudge-holding that entails, I will make sure to post a non-discrimination clause in the next set of Edicts. It would be disastrous if they turned on The Empire (or worse yet, sided with The Hero) because I let them be treated as sub-human.
 * Any secret agents or otherwise heavily trained soldiers from a distant land will be considered threats to my power.
 * If I have to poison someone with a drink, I should have a drink that is a different color than the person I'm trying to poison. Or alternatively, use a poison I am already immune to, or barring that, have an anti-toxin ready ahead of schedule. The latter two cases have the added advantage that I can poison both drinks so the hero can't switch them.
 * If more than two people are there, this rule applies to my minions too.
 * Of course, if I have been reading this, I have taken precautions necessary to avoid having to use a One-Winged Angel form anyways - this is a last resort. But if I happen to have a One-Winged Angel form I am aware of, I will make sure, if possible, to actually test it for combat performance BEFORE taking on The Hero. If the form ends up hindering me instead, it shall NOT be used. Similarly, I shall make sure to check if my One-Winged Angel form is compatible to fight the hero. So, if I can transform into a shadow demon immune to nigh all harm, but who covers at the mere mention of a holy spell, and my enemy happens to be a holy paladin, this form shall NOT be used.
 * Before I turn myself to the Dark Side I will at least confirm that it does in fact have the overhelming power that it promises. If it turns out that with greater power comes a price that will leave me at a huge disadvantage, or that it it can not actually defeat Light at its purest, or that possessing it carries with it a croppling vulnerabity towards all things Good, then I will choose instead some other means to make my Reign of Evil a reality.
 * Facing The Hero is of course preferable to avoid, but if am driven to do so, and if I/My Humongous Mecha/whatever I use to fight The Hero happens to be almost invulnerable, but possesses a weakness only revealed when a particular attack is used, it goes without saying this attack shall NOT be used (unless he somehow manages to attack through the armor anyways), even if I have to punch the sucker to death. This sounds pretty obvious, but you wouldn't believe how many Nigh Invulnerable Evil Overlords lose their lives because they decided to put their precious time before their safety and blast the hero down with their special attack, leaving themselves wide open.
 * It also goes without saying that I shall not stand inside a room full of deadly traps that can kill me. Even if I think they will kill the hero. I just WON'T. They WILL be turned against me instead, heroes know how to do that. There's cautious, and then there's bloody retarded. Mooks in my room (ones able to aim, obviously) is OK, in fact it's GOOD. Standing on a bridge over lava with a button/axe to fling the whole thing down into the lava right behind me is NOT.
 * If for any reason I actually do want to create such a room, I will start a rumor that it is my real hideout and have a copy/hologram/illusion of me standing on the bridge, so that when the hero goes ahead and steps on it, the whole thing collapses with him and falls into the lava, while I watch this through a security camera/crystal ball from a safe distance. And by safe, I mean a few dozen kilometers.
 * I will always remember the motto: "Overkill is good, overconfidence is not." If I kill a hero, I will not relax until I detonate his body to pieces, incinerate the bieces, fling the ashes into outer space (or better, into another dimension), and exorcise the site.
 * Spikes of Villainy will be used, especially if the hero is a Personal Space Invader
 * My prison guards will be under a general order to never leave their post unless ordered by me personally; they will also be ordered to keep this order a secret and to feign obedience if told to leave their post until out of earshot, at which point they will call for backup.
 * Loud alarms in my base are reserved only for when an approaching army is sighted. If an infiltrator or The Hero is sighted, a silent alarm will be raised and guards will simply visibly patrol - but not appear to notice, let alone chase after - the infilitrator, instead using the visible patrols to force the infiltrator into the dungeon, where they will be met with a full complement of my Elite Guard.
 * If I build a secret room into a house, it will be underground, not behind a secret wall where anyone with a blue print or a decent sense of dimensions and spatial relations can spot it.
 * My security cameras will be placed in such a way that the hero cannot be out of sight by standing directly under the camera mounting.
 * Just in case a hero has someone to take the bullet for them, I will always have an extra bullet more than I need to execute heroes. Furthermore, I will capitalize on the time it takes the hero to hear the rescuers last words to line up my next shot and kill him.
 * Everyone will be accountable for their movements, and everyone must be accounted for at all times. Besides my closest advisors, everyone's whereabouts must be kept tracked. Therefore, I will use a hidden finger scanner on all doors and before all traps, to allow for easy access for me and my close advisors, so safe escape is possible. I will also implement a non-hidden two key card system for anyone else. Any guards that have to pass through a trapped area must clock in before their shifts before being allowed clearance to go anywhere. They will be given a key card with a certain number of allowances. Each allowance, when swiped through the scanner, disables one trap or opens one door one time. Each guard will be given exactly how many allowances they need for any particular shift. Guards will travel in groups, each guard in a group will get a portion of the total amount their group needs, so if at any point a guard is killed and their key stolen, they will not get far. Allowances are specific to one area and must stay within that area. The second card will be the safety card. Each guard will be required to frequently and regularily swipe their safety card at a specified time and at specified intervals, the schedule of which is to be kept a personal secret, different for each guard. Should these intervals not be punched, or punched at the wrong time, an alarm will immediately be triggered. If a guard does not punch in or out for the day, an alarm will be triggered. If a person is out of allowances and tries to use more, an alarm will be triggered. If allowances are used in the wrong area, an alarm will be triggered. With all of these steps in place, it is literally impossible to kill a guard and eventually not trigger an alarm.
 * Local bands will be screened for magical instruments they just happened to find at a garage sale or the local pawnshop. Any band that has one, I will hire immediately to do my theme music, thus adding Power of Rock to my arsenal.
 * If the history of my world follows a series of cycles, especially those of a metaphysical nature, I'll establish a special team of experts to find a way to break the cycle without losing my empire. If they insist that the end of my rule is inevitable, I'll search for a way to A) fake my death, B) establish a cult promising my messianic return, and C) preserve my body until the world is once again ready for me to take over.
 * I will order all copies of this document, and all subsequent derivatives, to be destroyed with the exception of a master copy which will remain in my safe deposit box for reference.
 * You know those things that Firefigters wear that sounds an alarm when they don't move for more than a minute, or fall flat? The mooks should have those too.
 * As an alternative to fark.com's Rule 19, I will offer a bounty for the hero's capture. However, it will be made clear that if the capture was a collective effort, then each participant will be well rewarded. It'll be a little pricier, but who cares. With the hero out of the way, I'll have all the money I want. It's an investment.
 * In fact, I will set the bounty offer low enough that its only a moderate windfall to an individual... but also make it plain that this amount will be paid to every individual involved in the hero's defeat, be it ten men or ten thousand. While this could potentially be very expensive it is a one-time expense and ultimate victory lies at the other end of the process. It will also be highly effective in ensuring that the hero is positively indundated in would-be bounty seekers at every hour of the day and night, in horde quantities. Eventually fatigue will kill him if nothing else will.
 * If it was not already obvious, the bounty will be paid only to surviving members of hero capture teams. One must do what one can to keep expenses reasonable.
 * If the setting allows, I will turn myself into a powerful, free-willed undead who can ressurect after being killed again, such as a Lich. This way, I'll just keep coming back. My Soul Jar, will of course, be under heavy guard in an unbreachable room, with doors that only be opened from inside. If possible, I will construct multiple Phylacteries.
 * Disguise is also very effective at keeping one's Phylactery safe. Making them out of simple bricks and throwing them into the construction materials will ensue that they are never found.
 * If the object in which I have stored most of my power/my life can only be destroyed in one particular area, that area will be heavily guarded 24/7. I don't care how unlikely it is that the heroes would make it there, if there's even a 1 in 1000,000 chance, then it's not worth taking. If the place happens to have only one entrance, it will be guarded by a door that is magically sealed to open only to me and some especially trusted (and probably mind-controlled) minions.
 * If possible, I will hire the Slender Man and Candle Ja... *herm* Mr Candle. Did somebody call my name? I'll be happy to work for you since I have become a Discredited Meme.
 * My soldiers will immediately destroy any towers and church steeples they encounter, as these are great sniper-blinds.
 * I will not torture or kill the Hero's True Companions in front of him. This limits the chance that his hidden powers, Deadly Upgrade, or Super-Powered Evil Side will activate and kill me. I will take special care not to provoke the hero after I have the fight won. If the hero absolutely must be taken alive, I will do everything in my power to break his resolve, and take no chances at restoring it.
 * I will have a large group of highly-trained snipers guarding all sides of my fortress from any conceivable angle. One third of them will have laser sights. The rest will have scopes.
 * All powered armor, mechs, and battleships (both of the seafaring and spacegoing variety) will have point-defenses, even if such measures are largely worthless. Better safe than sorry. Besides, it's the thought that counts, and it will make them think twice about jumping onto the cockpit and firing their gun/ insanely overpowered bow at point-blank if an independantly-targetet minigun can saw them in half before they even land.
 * This also applies to my fortress.
 * Repeat after me: I will not Shoot the Messenger. I will not shoot the messenger. I will not shoot the messenger. No matter how bad the news they have brought me is. While this is an excellent way to enforce my evil credentials, it creates several practical problems. For example, if I kill everyone who brings me bad news such as "the Hero has stolen the MacGuffin", then they will waste valuable response time arguing over who has to tell me. And as I need to hear things like that promptly so I can launch missions to get the Mac Guffin back with speed, or react to any bad news given with similar alacrity, I will be pleasantly apathetic to any messenger, no matter what news they bring. That way, no one will care whether they get messenger duty or not. However, it will be made clear that every messenger must move as fast as they can on pain of severe punishment (or permanent desk duty, whichever they think is worse).
 * I shall avoid the idiocy of that Australian strategist who defected to the Muge Empire and not treat the women who decide to join me out of love as disposable. I also will not be a Bastard Boyfriend to the one I keep and drive her away from to the point she does a Heel Face Turn, and if I happen to screw up and leave one alive so she can later hold me at gunpoint, I will not laugh insanely and claim A God Am I. Instead, when she asks me if I really did feel something for her, I will, depending on her gullibility, tell her I did have feelings, I had a change of heart, then get her to join me as another henchwoman, or, assuming she isn't that forgiving, still claim I had feelings for her, but use the time while I frame my response to shoot her before she can reconsider shooting me.
 * What do you mean "no evil laughing"? Why else does an evil overlord commit atrocities if not For the Lulz? If I must laugh, I will be sure the doors are locked and I am in absolute private.
 * Excuse me, I shall clarify. I shall do no evil laughing in a situation where some pissed off heroine whose leaning on the fence on whether I need to be shot gets the resolve to do the deed while I'm laughing in her face. An Evil Laugh is perfectly fine as long as I have (A) suckered her into believing me and I'm later by myself or (B) after I shot her and I'm positive that she's dead. Then, I'll laugh all I want.
 * Rule 4 will be not only my personal guideline, but also an official policy for my troops and guardians. There will also be a policy to always employ Double Tap.
 * Or, since even that might not be enough, I might as well empty an entire clip into my enemy, just to be safe.
 * Rather than use the evil fortress approach, I will base my activities out of a reasonably-sized office suite that hosts a variety of offices for more legitimate businesses. The heroes will be unable to attack my fortress that way without being guilty of slaughtering every other innocent person that works there.
 * I will not employ large, slavering, black three-headed dogs who can be won over with honey to guard my Ultimate Weapon. Rather, I will employ small, fluffy squirrels, who just so happen to eat meat and travel in carnivorous packs, and will massacre the hero before he realizes his folly.
 * I will never, ever tell any of my minions or henchmen "I don't pay you to think." Yes, it's true that people who think too much might be a threat to my authority, but if I wanted a mindless robot, I'd make or hire a mindless robot.
 * If my incredible power was gained at the discretion of another being, say a genie, and I have some number of wishes left, when the hero tells me that something (the genie/the nix/whatever I am currently forcing to do my bidding) is more powerful than I am, instead of flying into a jealous rage and wishing to become a more powerful version of that being without any regards for the consequences I will thank the hero for his concern, proceed with killing him, and then carefully weigh the pros and cons of becoming said being.
 * If I encounter a life-form able to naturally weaponize the greatest weakness of both myself and my minions, I will ascertain if they intend to kill me or simply drive me off. If the former, I will have one captured and have my pet Mad Scientists tailor a plague to them. If the latter, so much the better, as I now have a way to build up an immunity, just pick on them every few days. However, if they act to impede me to a significant degree, and my sibling keeps dumping his/her incredibly loud and bitchy problem child on me, I will assume he/she's using me to permanently dispose of the kid and use it in a virgin-child sacrifice to call forth an entity (or entities) able to dispose of the first group of life-forms. If my sibling keeps his/her brat home, I will use my most incompetent minion.
 * If there is a hero that has repeatedly foiled my plans in the past, and I have the resources for it, I will consider building a fake stronghold, whether this be an underground lair, floating fortress or orbital space station. I will make it seem as if this fake stronghold is actually the base of my operations, and put a few token guards outside for appearances sake. When the hero attacks the "stronghold" in expectation of a climactic showdown with me, they will instead find the place utterly deserted - save for the ton of explosives set to go off the moment they step inside.
 * If I hear of a prophecy that says a certain person shall defeat me, I will NOT command my army to go out and kill every person that matches that description. I might end up missing one who'll get mad at my needless slaughtering and come to defeat me.
 * Should I discover how and thus decide to split my soul, I will NOT keep the parts in unique and glorious items. Instead, I will use grains of sand in the Sahara and the Atlantic Ocean, and a small chunk of ice in the Arctic. And a screw on one of NASA's deep space probes.
 * Or, if possible, the Earth itself. This would make me functionally immortal, and anyone attempting to kill me would have to destroy the Earth, thereby killing everyone on it, to do it- making me the lesser of two evils.
 * Alternatively, should I insist on using a unique/glorious/special/etc Soul Jar/s, I will not- repeat NOT- put these in places specific to my past and moments of power, such as a dreary cave where I scared two children from the same orphanage as I into permanent muteness, the old family home, and my old school. Instead, I will hide them in plain sight, such as a trophy room, for nobody would expect me to hide them where they could be easily obtainable.
 * Should I ever meet the hero, I will instantly pretend to be my own "good" twin, then offer to lead them to my "evil twin's" lair. My mooks will "kidnap" me when we approach, and thus lead the hero and his party into a trap.
 * I will not have long hair, because it is so very difficult to maintain properly, and because it gets in the way in the same mannerisms as capes. Should I persist in the long hair, I must secure it properly, so that it may not snag or be grabbed by the hero.
 * I will ensure that birthdays are celebrated adequately, and that there is at least one fun thing every week (eg, Funny Hat Fridays, Sunday Charades, etc). This will improve morale and keep everyone happy and amused. There will always be prizes for anything that could be humiliating. Also, if the hero walks in on a group of people playing charades where someone is impersonating a goose, he will think twice about it being his nemesis's fortress.
 * I will not create my hideout to look as such, tempting as a large black fortress on a hill with its own weather would be. It will look very normal outside and mostly in, except it will be quite large (on the inside only, naturally). This way, the hero won't be able to pick out my hideout immediately. This is why people make Elaborate Underground Bases.
 * If a person carrying an oddly-coloured sword walks into my kingdom, I will take a vacation elsewhere until that sword is out of my kingdom and not make any friendly or unfriendly overtures to the wielder. If the sword is black, I will move to another dimension and never return.
 * If that person is albino and a Defector From Decadence, I'll kill myself and save him the trouble. And count myself lucky to have got away so lucky.
 * I will be aware that many of the suggestions on this list are a way of digging my own grave, such as the giant robot that is totally invulnerable (the hero will find some way to turn it on me at some point, taking control of it and leaving me with no way to fight back), and by the same means if there is a weak point the hero will find it. Therefore, I will never invest too much in one thing, and instead diversify, to keep him guessing.
 * Furthermore, I shall note that as nice as it would be to have a perfect plan with no possible way of going wrong, I will keep in mind that nothing kills my credibility like a case of Orcus on His Throne, and will be sure to be enough a man of action to still get things done, even if everything isn't perfect, and there are still flaws for the heroes to exploit. I'll just keep the plans possible weakpoints in mind, and try to minimize them.
 * If ever at the mercy of the Hero, I will play up any and all unpleasant childhood experiences I had, whether that involves sexual abuse or that my parents got me a different breed of pony than I had asked for. That way, the Hero will be forced to believe that my evilness is only because of my upbringing and not really my fault at all, giving me the opportunity to escape.
 * I will not, however, taunt the Hero as I escape by explaining to him just how little my childhood had to do with my evil choices; I may need to exploit this again in the future.
 * Above and beyond the warning about ventilation ducts, I will not include any structure, area, or design in any of my installations that serves no obvious architectural or aesthetic purpose besides allowing the heroes an alternate path—no catwalks that go nowhere but provide footholds, no entirely pointless machinery to climb, no convenient handholds that serve no obvious purpose besides being convenient handholds.
 * I WILL however employ such installations as long as they lead into unavoidable death traps.
 * I will also avoid adding any area to my installations that cannot be accessed by my guards if needed.
 * A valid alternative to the prior rule on prison keys is to place the Hero in a dungeon filled with loyal mooks disguised as horribly tortured and scarred prisoners. If we are operating on a tight budget, I will simply find very ugly townspeople (Preferably deaf too, Heroes always have a way of getting people to convert over...) who think the hero is a Complete Monster and give them a Savings Bond to be cashed in when I take over the world if they stay in a jail cell for a few hours. I will also be leaving the heroes' key and their keys within view of the hero. Odds are the Goody-Goody is going to try to free all of those poor souls, only to get shanked in the back the second he turns around. This WILL NOT work if we are dealing with a Blood Knight, Anti-Hero, or a Jerkass
 * If I realize I exist in a video game (particularly a JRPG). I will not:
 * exploit a stable time loop (Sooner or later, some jackass is gonna try wind up ending the thing).
 * make a deal with the powers of hell. (It's HELL.)
 * mess up the balance between good and evil TOO badly (There's always a bigger fish, and usually they are very hungry).
 * use lucid dreaming to mind control a half human hybrid, Try to destroy the world with the powers of nothingness.
 * be an insane clown.
 * Do the Horizontal Monster-Mash with an alien space virus and try to blow up the planet (There are so many less Squicky ways...)
 * Realize I'm going to die eventually and collapse time so I exist in an ageless state of nothingness. (BOOOORING!)
 * try to fuse two planets together to rule over both (First one, then the other. Any other way and you're just spreading your resources too thin).
 * Try to Merge with a world-killing space-whale.
 * become a god dumb enough to end up in chains.
 * try to wreck half the planet just to piss off the gods (Preferably, one should get on their good side if they are JerkassGods).
 * or throw a suicidal temper tantrum that daddy left me and my 1 million siblings alone to run a shitty little utopia in the sky.
 * ALL of this has been done in the past, and none of them ended well for the Evil Overlords running the show thanks to a combination of Save Scumming, Designated Heroes, The Power of Friendship/Love, et cetera. At best, they should be referenced has lessons on what NOT to do. If Necromancy exists in my Universe, it might be prudent to have a word with these individuals, they may have failed, but they still might have some useful pointers as more experienced Overlords...Except the Clown...(The information will be taken with a grain of salt, after all, they are DEAD).
 * Even if all my advisors agree that no-one could survive the blow I have just dealt to the hero, I will still chop his head off for good measure.
 * If I'm ever seriously injured, I will fake being knocked stupid.
 * There will be large area in my fortress that's used as a habitat for the aforementioned Horny Devils and Naughty Tentacles. Chance is, while I would like to have all mook with libido supressed, overcoming the strongest instinct may be impossible. And since neither rape nor harem are allowed in my empire, this area will be where my underlings take a visit when they're in heat. To maximize its usage, it will be impossible to get in inner area of my fortress without passing through this area. Whoever wants to get pass it without get dragged sideways must get my permission first, then there will be robots or golems (depending on setting) sent to escort them. The golems/robots will be built with a rare and precious metal that no rebel would dare thinking about building one from, yet are totally useless otherwise. The dwellers of the Pleasure area will be instructed to not bother with whoever is escorted by the golems/robots, but everyone else coming to this area are free game. I will even put large warning on the entrance, so if those heroes/heroines end up become playthings of the succubi, it won't count as rape.
 * And if possible, I will import said monsters from the world of Monster Girl Encyclopedia.
 * Such entities will be transported in containers clearly marked "200 lbs. RAPE (rush delivery, live animal)", so no-one... screws with them.
 * If I am told a prophecy that only one of my most trusted lieutenants can ever kill me, I will not order an assassination attempt on their family, thus antagonizing them into wanting to kill me and probably making him into a Hero by default, or order a hit on him that will entrage his family into taking up arms against me. I will instead give them an unlimited credit card that I pay the bill for, under the condition that it will be taken away from them if they move to/stay in my capital city.
 * This also applies to a prophecy of a certain forest making its way to my fortress. I'll have it clear-cut and turned into lumber, then shipped to a building site in... baisically, anywhere but my Empire.
 * On second thought, I will have a giant barbecue for my subjects. Sending it elsewhere will just have it return in the form of battering rams. The ashes will be disposed of in the ocean, exactly halfway around the world away from me.
 * All of my robot clones will be built to act like the real thing. Any robot that says something like "Good morning, Steven Ulysses Perhero. I am most definitely your sister, and not a clone designed by The Empire to spy on you." will be sold for scrap.
 * I will weigh the benefits and drawbacks of owning an outfit made from human skin. On the one hand, it ramps the Intimidation factor Up to Eleven. On the other, any self-respecting human rights organization will not be pleased.
 * I, too, will learn and master the art of "Quick Save" and "Quick Load." If the hero can manage this in the universe where I rule, surely I can figure it out as well.
 * In the lobby of my fortress of evil, I will have all my gas-mask wearing, ultra-evil elite mooks stand next to bright red barrels labeled "Danger: Explosive!" The barrels will be filled with a poisonous gas which will not explode when shot, punctured, or thrown at high speed, but will fill the room with the instantly lethal gas, killing those which are not wearing gas masks.
 * If I use mutated biological supersoldiers, I will not make the prototype my trusted lieutenant, due to being just that; a prototype; they have a tendancy to go insane. After field tests prove successful, I will kill him and raise a more stable, advanced version from infancy like my own child so that they won't grow up resenting me or become apathetic enough to betray their own family. I will tell them bluntly about their origins so they don't Go Mad from the Revelation later in life, but let them know it doesn't matter, and that I love them all the same (this will be a lie, however, forming attachments to someone you intend to send to war against the hero is asking for heartbreak, and engineered supersoldiers can be easily replaced when you have the formula).
 * Should I mass produce an army of them, I will actively make them weaker, less intelligent and more instinctual than the trusted one so he or she still feels as though they're the best, and the generic ones won't see him/her and become jealous and loathesome of us. As far as the generics go, I will Always adhere to rule 48, just in case.
 * Should I recieve word my trusted supersoldier has died in the field, I will request them to find their body and make sure they are, in fact, dead before I make a new trusted supersoldier, if they aren't dead and see me with their replacement, it will reveal my lies to both of them, giving me not one, but two new enemies.
 * Having an ominous music that screams finality, nice as it is, tends to give the heroes the resolve to continue all the way through my citadel and confront me. Instead, when they invade, I will begin playing elevator music, which is much more likely to exhaust and depress the heroes (Resolving music is fine any other time, if you blast elevator music 24/7 your guards will permanently suffer the psychiatric effects of prolonged listening to it, the heroes are the targets, not the legion of evil).
 * I will hire Asians, African Americans, Women, and Latinos into my Legion of Terror but no white males. When the hero comes to stop me I will inform every single civil rights group and female equality group I can find that there is a sexist white supremacist attacking my employees.
 * Sorry to poke a hole in your plan, but what if he points out to said organizations that you are being descriminatory yourself?
 * Scratch this, I will simply be an equal opportunity employer. As long as I have enough of the aforementioned categories in my army I can still play the civil rights card, but the hero will not be able to yell discrimination.
 * When hiring new employees, I will tell them that their stealth ops uniform is neon pink. Anyone who tells me how impractical that is will be promoted immediately.
 * I will take a fairly neutral stance on Transhumanism. It will not be mandatory, nor will non-modified citizens be discriminated against. It will also not be illegal to undergo Cyborgization or Bio Augmentation. That way, I can tell if I'm in a No Transhumanism Allowed Author Tract; and adapt accordingly.
 * If I catch a case of the Idiot Ball and accept the hero's love interests' offer to become my consort, I shall never stop being suspicious of her, no matter how much time passes. Should she ever ask me the location of my Soul Jar, source of power, or one weakness, I will lie. She should not be able to find out that I have pointed her to a fake easily, lest I lose her loyalty if she is loyal. However, if she attempts to destroy or steal the fake Soul Jar or source of power, it will instantly detonate, taking her down with it.
 * If one of my Lieutenants turn out to be a Starscream, I will kill him, cut off his head, impale his head on a stake, and nail a sign on said stake that reads: "I do not tolerate double-crossing-back-stabbers", for such people tend to be more trouble then they're worth.
 * I will Never Ever try to take over the world by using a children's card game.
 * If I ever start a Monster Protection Racket, the Super Soldiers assigned to it will be mentally conditioned to react to certain words so they never cross me. These phrases will be taught to their handlers, who will be trained to only use them in the most direst of circumstances, in absolute private if at all possible. They will also be extensively studied if they are prone to horrible mutations from over-using their superpowers.
 * The public will be made fully aware of any genetic engineering attempts, and assured that all subjects are clones of volunteers who are able to successfully be experimented upon, and are not tortured in any way. If this is a lie, any civilian that attempts to enter a testing facility will be escorted out under the lie that the facility workers need absolutely unchanging work environments, or, if unable to be removed, executed. If not a lie, tours through facilities will be permitted following thorough background checks. Said tours are to be reserved no less than one week in advance, so as to improve security of facility, and plan out route to avoid crucial locations within the facility that could be applied to an attack plan.
 * I will never write an autobiography based entirely in truth.
 * If I use Gas Mask Mooks, I'll spring for air-supply type masks, rather than filter-cartrige. I mean, as long as we're giving our minions the best equipment we can...
 * If my minions detect a creature parasitising energy from the entire planet, I will not give into my urge to use it to run my superweapon. I will tell them to build something to kill it, rather than super-parasitizing (a parasite that feeds on another parasite) said entity. Nothing good can come of letting such a creature live, nor will leeching off it end well. We'll see about using it as a battery when it's dead.
 * If I don't by default, I will treat understanding love, kindness and altruism as mission-critical. If I just can't get it, I will know to quit while I'm ahead.
 * I will resist building any Humongous Mecha, even if the Applied Phlebotinum required to make them work under the laws of physics is cheap. Chances are it can be used on my smaller, relatively Boring but Practical weapons such as tanks, missiles, jet aircraft and helicopter gunships just as well, rendering them once again vastly superior.
 * If my primary enemies are a bunch of female minors with powers based on love, purity and such I will keep in mind that they are specialized in dealing with demons, warlocks, general wickedness and any assorted horrors beyond normal human comprehension but may be completely vulnerable to a bullet (or a missile) in the face. There is no need to meet them on their own terms, though making it appear that way by sending a demonic decoy with my hit squad is certainly an option. I'll also keep in mind that if my enemies are of this descriptions, I am in fact vulnerable to their powers for some reason, and any way of removing this vulnerability will be seriously considered, no matter my Evil Overlord status.
 * As an added note, if said female minors turn out to be absurdly powerful and said love-based powers include giant energy beams capable of vaporizing multiple city blocks at once, I will ensure that all of my operations from now on are covert, especially if they take the Nanoha method of befriending people. Chances are, if they make friends by beating the hell out of people, what they'd do to a bad guy is NOT pretty to think about.
 * To add on to the "vaporizing multiple city blocks at once" thing, it might be interesting to run a campaign sensibilizing the general population to the ravages caused by such heroes, playing up the hypocrisy of declaring oneself a warrior of love/friendship/whatever while destroying everything in one's way. It could get the population on my side, which is always good to have.
 * That said, if I am to vaporize multiple city blocks at once, I'll make sure to do it with faction-neutral (or even better, captured enemy) equipment to make it easier to pass off as being the enemy, instead of burning down city blocks with weapons that are clearly of my faction's manufacture and then trying to pass it off as the opposing faction's.
 * I will create a centralized licensing and registration system for all blacksmiths/gunsmiths/whoever makes weapons or stuff that can be used as weapons. I will make it illegal for ordinary smithies to sell swords, polearms, pikes, maces, crossbows, guns, and other such weapons. All arms sales will be registered and tracked. They must be done through weapons makers I personally approve of and have licensed and registere. They must pass loyalty and psychiatric tests.
 * While I will let just about anyone buy a gun, they must pass psychiatric and Hero Trope Tests. All failing will be executed. Also, under no circumstances can any weapons shop sell arms that are as good as or better than what I give my minions. The weapons sold must be either incapable of dependably and effectively killing my minions. Any armor sold must be inferior to what I give my minions.
 * I will have the only double action firearm in the realm.
 * All firearms I issue my minions must have several safety mechanisms, I do not want to have people getting hurt by accident, nor do I want for a treasonous person to be able to just lift his gun and kill me without having to take time to ready his gun.
 * The safeties are as follows (Note: I will not issue my standard Mooks revolvers as they lack most safety mechanisms):
 * #1: An external safety which prevents the slide from moving and must be manually actuated. This also may prove useful in the case of someone trying to assassinate me by stealing a gun from one of my minions.
 * #2: An external safety on the grip which forces the user to hold the gun properly. This will improve marksmanship and stop guns from accidentally going off in holsters.
 * #3: An internal safety which wholly covers the firing pin and blocks the hammer from falling.
 * #4: An internal safety which blocks the firing pin unless the trigger has enough pressure on it. This will stop the gun from going off in case if it gets dropped.
 * All guns issued to my minions will be different from anything on the civilian market. No semiauto mimics, models, toys, or weapons operated and shaped the same way.
 * All users manuals will be made in a language only me and my minions know. Cleaning kits will be issued separately from the guns and minions will be instructed to keep them separate from each other so that even if a gun is stolen, its usefulness will be limited.
 * All guns used by my minions will be chambered for rounds which only they can use. This will prevent The Hero from stealing the weapons and being able to use them without having to face my army.
 * If any guns or ammo are reported missing- even if it's a single pistol bullet or a small training carbine, this will be dealt with like a serious emergency.
 * I will issue bayonets to all troops so that in case if they run out of ammo, they can still fight. Also, executing people with bayonets saves ammo and money.
 * No railguns or laser guns, as these have less safety features than chemical-cartrige firearms.
 * No matter how cool they look, mooks will not be issued flamethrowers, as they suck ass from both tactical and strategic standpoints.
 * I will invest in either a grenade launcher or shotgun (like the M203 or Masterkey) that can perform the rough job of a flamethrower. It's safer, and can do more - after all, flamethrowers only burn. A Shotgun can be used to breach doors, and a 40mm can also fire smoke and high explosives, as well as gas. Flexibility helps.
 * I will make sure that my Mooks are only issued guns which are either Boring but Practical or Awesome Yet Practical. All guns which are tacticool will be sold only to civilians or to foreign lands which I am trying to undermine. Tacticool is where form outweights function to such a degree that the weight of the accessories mounted on the gun is greater than the weight of the weapon when it is loaded.
 * In general, tacticool implies that something is very superfluous and is unneeded. Therefore, when I and my people are reviewing potential new weapons and models for my army, every single part will have to be labeled and given a purpose. If the part is impractical or extravagant, then it comes off, no questions asked.
 * Alternatively, I can issue a few Awesome but Impractical guns to lure the hero to get one and wield it, and subsequently prove no match for the more practical weapons of my minions. However guns that simply explode when fired are and will always be a more effective method.
 * Above all, I must come across as a Necessary Evil, or I must be a Villain with Good Publicity. Maybe I sacrifice one in ten baby girls born every year, but I do that so that demonic invaders do not flood the realm a-la 40K. If I make it clear to everyone that my regime is the only thing between them and unimaginable horrors, then they will come to the conclusion that living with a Fascist dictator who oppresses them is much better than living in Hell on Earth under the reign of The Devil or any other such enemy of all that I am preferable.
 * I will consider the pros and cons of sending a loved one into the field where dying is a possibility.
 * The cons: Villainous BSOD, either from depression or by going into a blind rage at an innoportune time, a single burst of anger can make every precaution on this list moot.
 * The pros: The Power of Hate isn't something to be messed with, especially when I'm already strong. Shifting from a Complete Monster to a Tragic Monster will make the fans lose sight of who the real bad guy is. As well, when the heroes find said former complete monster mourning over their loved one's corpse, they'll stop for a moment to consider the true horror of what they've done...that's when I open the trap door to the spike pit.
 * In inclusion to not screaming about immortality, I would do well to remember that in the grand scheme, there isn't such a thing as immortality, you can be invincible, you can be ageless, you can be both, but there will always be a way to shatter the magic and kill you, I will always keep this in mind no matter how assured my victory is.
 * Before pursuing immortality, I will make sure it's by a means I can turn off when I've had enough. Ruling my empire for a thousand years would be awesome. Outliving the solar system and being stranded in a universe that will eventually succumb to heat death/proton decay/big crunch/big rip would decidedly not.
 * If I beat the heroes to any sort of McGuffin that doesn't involve my own plans, I'll destroy the thing on the spot, not throw it into my dungeon in an easily accessed spot, the only exception will be if destroying the artifact will remove my powers.
 * I should note the heroes rarely if ever disrupt my plans as soon as they're getting off the ground. If I delay my plans I can take my sweet time fortifying my fortess, training my legions of evil, and kicking as many kittens as I want.
 * Which reminds me of the opposite extreme, if the heroes are wandering aimlessly or playing games at a carnival, I shouldn't wait for them to come to me before executing the final stage of my plan, I should just do it while they act like they have all the time in the world.
 * If The Power of Love is an actual, meta-physical phenomenon in my universe, I will have my mooks paired off and sent out as Battle Couples.
 * Before I start conquering the world, I shall watch The Simpsons episode "You Only Move Twice". Hank Scorpio may seem like a stereotypical Bond villain, but he knows how to treat his minions employees and so should I.
 * My guns will look almost exactly like NATO-standard weapons - and not the Steyr AUG, but the M16, M4, FAMAS, anything by FN Herstal, or any other typically "good" weapon. Because those are the weapons of professionals - and while I'll probably have a fair amount of conscripts, but they'll be well trained and taken care of.
 * These weapons will have the safeties described above, and will also use different ammunition than their identical counterparts, and will only externally resemble them - for instance, it looks like an M14 Carbine with a STANAG magazine, but the inside is a totally different recoil/gas combination operation and it does not fire 5.56x45mm NATO, but some specialized round only my troops use and has penetration more akin to the 5.45x39mm used by the Soviets, if not 5.45mm itself. Sure, it's common, but producing my own ammo comes with a downside: I can't use everyone else's bullets.
 * The corridor leading to my Artifact of Doom will be full of highly visible, sweeping laser beams that, using a complex pattern of dance moves, can be avoided. Breaking any of these beams will not trigger any alarm though. Their only purpose will be to distract intruders from the grid of invisible laser beams, placed one centimeter from one another, as well as the sound, heat and motion detectors.
 * Also there will be several fakes dotted in my different bases with the same lethalities around them and any and all transfers of the fakes and real ones should be regarded as if we have the hero chasing us with a gigantic army of the biggest weakness we have, and given maximum security at all times. This will make sure I have multiple strengths and will not be destroyed permanently if the protagonist steals a power focus of mine, I can just kill the hero and get it back in no time.
 * I will improve on every other villains ideas and potential villains ideas, including but not limited to this list.
 * I will occasionally try to not be evil to be evil, but to follow the purposes taught at H.I.V.E., any and all proper Genre Savvy-educational facilities, and actually check this Evil Overlord List once in a while. That means villainy, meaning being well capable of actively using all means to get what I want, moral, amoral, or just plain off the scale, and 'evil' is the same thing as getting a little violent, rude, theftious, or otherwise malicious in general to get what you want. The other type of villainy is being evil just to be mean and evil.
 * Should I attain victory, I will remember Victory Is Boring, and remember to stop myself from creating my own new nemesis just to keep me entertained; sports and video games work just as well to keep me occupied when there's nothing else to conquer.
 * I will not deny or undermine the effectiveness of cake-based cooking songs as a form of torture.
 * If I an in a world where there are multiple powers other than myself and my stated goal is not to explicitly to Take Over the World, I will always try to ensure that there is someone else out there who is a worse alternative than myself. In addition to the propaganda value for my minions and subjects, this will open up the opportunity to arrange a truce with the Hero as we take on a common threat. I can then manipulate the situation to my personal gain and relish every delicious moment of the Hero's angsty self-doubt over being forced into making such a morally questionable decision.
 * If I ever find myself in an Enemy Mine situation, I will not go back on any promises I have made to the Hero, either by actively backstabbing him or by endangering him through deliberate neglect. Being courteous and trustworthy in this one instance may be the only thing that saves me if I ever find myself at his mercy.
 * I will not accept any one-sided agreements, and I will adhere to the Exact Words of our agreement and no more if doing otherwise does not directly benefit me. If the Hero gets himself killed through his own stupidity then that's one less problem I have to deal with in the future, and if he somehow succeeds then I can rightly claim that helping him in that particular instance was not in our contract.
 * No matter how tempting it may be, I will not enter into any sort of pact with said worse alternative. Such pacts inevitably end in betrayal, and I will most likely be targeted by the heroes merely by association.
 * If I rise to power by being a Dragon Ascendant, I will not lash out if my former leader returns, odds are whatever helped him cheat death could turn me into a puddle of molten flesh in an instant. Instead, I'll return to serving him until I find what his weakness is and then direct the heroes to it so I can get him weakened enough to take him out and re-assert my new position (See example above about teaming up to get into the directing part further).
 * I will not use a horde of tiny killing machines to pacify a planet. Especially if the item that makes them ignore my troops has to be calibrated every so often.
 * If I use any sort of obscenely long and complicated deathtrap, I will make sure that, should escape ever be possible, I will have had it personally implemented. That way, when the hero thinks he's been smart and escaped through the Absurdly Spacious Sewer, or wherever it may lead, I will be waiting. With a gun.
 * Mind Control: None of it, EVER, even the most complex mind control can be broken easily with a bit of effort, Love/Friends or what have you, and merely the act of doing it will send you down a very, very quick spiral to a Karmic Death.
 * If I absolutely must have brainwashed henchmen, I will not give them the keys to my inner chambers.
 * Before I send my assassins to kill someone I will give them bags full of hair trimmings my mooks have collected from the local barber shop or other random genetic material to contaminate the crime scene with. This shows I care about the well-being of my employees so they are less likely to betray me. Besides good assassins are hard to come by.
 * I will keep up good PR. If I find out a child has been orphaned, I shall take him in and politely ask if any family in the land can take him in. Until such time happens, I shall teach this child and spend time with him. This puts me off as a ruler who cares for his subjects. Any people convicted of a crime, except for ones such as rape or mureder, shall be given a one time pardon, putting up a merciful mask. I will also make sure everyone can have a job, house, food, etc., and all poverty stricken areas are given immediate detection. That way, when said Hero or Rebel faction walks into the town to try and recruit, people will report him to the guards stationed nearby. After all, if your people are happy having you as a leader, why would they want to rebel against you?
 * If I find out that said prophecized person has been born in a village/town/city, I will immediately give that city my full attention. I shall repair all buildings, sewers, and public buildings. I shall set it up so said Hero's father is governor of that area, and constantly send that family, along with other Governor's families so not to make them jealous, gifts or supplies. I shall take special intrest in said Hero, raising him to become one of my trusted lieutenants, that way if he does eventually turn on me, I can distract him long enough of how I helped his entire family, and while he contemplates all I've done for him, promptly shoot him.
 * I will not belive any quote on the Additional Vows, as they are all lies.
 * I will remember the power of hope is not the exclusive virtue of the good guys (see Warhammer40000).
 * If The Hero attempts to construct or use mecha, I will first see where my universe stands on the sliding scales of seriousness versus silliness as well as the sliding scale of scientific hardness or softness. I will then respond accordingly.
 * In a silly universe, I will take advantage of the world's natural silliness. I will counter the the heroe's mecha by doing something silly like make it fall over a banana peel or bind all its legs with duct tape.
 * In a scientifically soft universe, I will go after enemy mecha with my own mecha using new, flashier designed painted red. Swords will be standard issue.
 * In a scientifically hard universe, I will do my best to avoid direct confrontations with enemy mecha. Rather, I will target the necessary but often undefended things that are needed for mecha, like production facilities, training centers, munitions plants, supply lines for the pilots, the ground crew, possible staging bases, and everything to do with fuel. Sure, a good pilot can flatten my mooks and Tank Goodness, but let's see him face my army when he's out of ammo, fuel, and spare parts.
 * Never let The Hero have one on one mecha fights. He always wins. If I have mecha, then it is to be organized into cordinated, tactically trained teams of professionals who operate under the command of an ace and a real time battlefield intelligence center. They will also be given air and infantry support.
 * I will never use mecha or tanks inside a city. There are too many places where they can get trapped or ambushed. For this sort of thing, infantry with close air support is much better.
 * My mecha designs will vary based on the nature of the world.
 * In worlds with greater allowance for fantasy, I will create designs that are appropriate. Super robots will be made accordingly. I will also not deliberately make a Super Prototype mech or two and make the rest all comparatively worthless. Remember, super prototypes are always stolen by the enemy, or otherwise studied, copied, and then used against me.
 * In more realistic worlds, I will hold onto the same lessons. My designs will trend more towards Mini-Mecha than Humongeous Mecha. They will also be meant for higher mobility and as such, wheels may be used.
 * If possible and practical my one-winged angel will look like something that, instead of on the side of good or justice, harmless and rather relaxed but still retains all the power of the One-Winged Angel. If I turn into the general red-skinned devil, that is generally a red alert that I am evil, and if I turn into an angel then while I might deal a good deal of confusion on your enemy, I am still identifying myself as one who wishes to and has the power to harm or hinder to the hero. If I turn into, say, an anthropomorphic garden frog and then act laid back when confronting the hero in my new form, they will probably be confused at that moment allows me to unleash an attack that can severely cripple them. Not only that, but overall it's harder to take seriously when you are facing something that looks more goofy than what you would normally expect to see as a final form.
 * It might also be useful to pretend that I don't have any memory of my former self in my One-Winged Angel. If I can pull it off convincingly enough, they might just believe that I might be good to have around them as one of their own allies and I could learn information or get close items that swiping would do my cause more good in the end.
 * Also, depending on circumstances, the heroes might not tell anybody about my true background for one reason or another, meaning that if I can play it off my memory loss well enough, Only the party of heroes will actually know of my background, and that would be a very good position to be in if I can find a way to get into contact with my empire without the heroes finding out.
 * I will impress on my mooks that stuffing an item down the crotch of your pants/underwear is a perfectly legitimate strategy for keeping it from the hero if the item is fit for it. I will make sure that a distinction is made, so that they know that paper is well hidden by this tactic, but the eyeball of a cyclops most likely won't work unless all the male mooks in the area naturally have a bunch of ungodly large crotch areas. If the world I am in isn't built on a fetish source then the crotch of pants/underwear is mostly likely not going to be searched, much less guessed as the hiding place of the important item/paper/notes that was supposed to be there.
 * Also, depending on the setting, it is possible that even if the hero and his party know where it is/where to look for it, they won't dare do it.
 * Self-preservation will always come before the plan, if I fail and everything starts to come down around me, I will not let pride get the better of me and go down with the ship or commit suicide, I'll drop what I'm doing and escape immediately.
 * I will never underestimate the advantages of good intel and high power sniper rifles. It may not be chivalrous or fair to shoot the hero in the back from miles away but I am more likely to succeed this way. If it does not work I will carry on trying at random intervals.
 * As an addendum to the vampire list farther up, if I'm any sort of creature that procreates by a Viral Transformation, I won't go changing people like mad just because I want the population up. They'll either; A). try to kill me if they embrace their nature so they can take my place. Or B). Loathe me for turning them against their will. In either case, if infecting for the sake of procreating is the only option instead of...other ways, I'll show extreme discretion, only change the willing, and/or wait until I'm significantly powerful enough to stave off any attempts on my life.
 * I will also not sire any half-breeds if procreation by reproduction is an option, I'll make my lover understand that having a half-breed son will end in my death and try to convince her to turn willingly.
 * I'll keep in mind which side of the gun usefulness spectrums the universe is on and train my minions accordingly.
 * My empire will embrace diversity and equality. No one will be discriminated against, because that leads to resentment, and we all know where that leads.
 * Refugees from anywhere will be subjected to strenuous background checks and psychological exams, but if they pass, I will make it clear to society that they are to be aided and helped, as they are now fellow citizens of the Empire.
 * My council of advisors will include people from other nations and people with access to the records of other nations, to better evaluate refugees and make sure no one's smuggling in rebels or assassins.
 * I will never, ever create technology that can bypass all security and lay bare the secrets of everyone, and drive the users insane so they can be controlled more easily. That shit not only gets you nowhere, it usually ends with rebellions and your creations being used against you.
 * I will endeavour to ensure that the quality of living for everyone in my empire is as high as possible. The standard of education will be very high, healthcare will be a priority, environmental protection will be encouraged, psychiatric care for everyone will be free, and the legal system will be carefully modified so that the innocent can be detected and the guilty punished.
 * All cases must have a five-year-old child on the jury. Careful attention is to be paid to everything that child says.
 * I will encourage parental loyalty, but if there's nothing to be loyal to, the child or children will be placed in foster-care.
 * I will make sure that all families are treating their children well.
 * The education system will enforce the idea that families are still families even if they aren't related by blood, so any adopted children do not Wangst about not being in a 'real' family.
 * I will endeavour to use reason to combat enemy tactics. For example, if a book must be banned because it is enemy propaganda, I will explain why to the public and point out passages that directly oppose the empire's values, or explain the possible consequences of people reading the novel.
 * I will give all possible aid to allied nations who need it, so that the hero will have trouble finding allies there who oppose me.
 * If I must kill someone and I know that the public will inevitably hear about it, I will explain why I did it and why it was unavoidable, placing emphasis on any treason, rebellion or other detrimental aspects of the victim's life.
 * In order to maintain public approval, I will endeavour to present myself at all times as someone who is willing to do their best and to tackle the unavoidable or the undesirable to protect or improve my nation, but not as a fanatic who will go to dangerous extremes or justify everything with 'it's for your own good'.
 * In addition, I will not insist that everyone in my nation approve of me, as long as they respect me.
 * I will not kill people just because they don't like me.
 * Dissenters will be allowed to explain why they are dissenting. If they have a point, I will rectify the problem.
 * Protestors or political opponents will not be automatically killed. First, I will listen to them and learn about their major point. If they're right, I'll fix it. If they're just stirring up trouble, they will be shot.
 * An alternative proposal: If someone feels some minor aspect of my rule (critical areas or areas of trust are excepted) is lacking, then I will consider whether or not to place this individual into the task of correcting said aspect. The self-motivated are best appeased by letting them have at it, and it lets me keep an eye on them.
 * I'll contemplate tossing out a few of these other personalities, their pursuit of genre savviness seems to be edging me more and more towards being a genuinly good leader instead of an evil overlord.
 * To quote Ben Croshaw;


 * As well, even if I don't intend to go as far as off-world slavery, I'm going to make a clear distinction about the job to everybody. I am an evil overlord, not a Jerkass by trade. If I must or want to kick a few puppies, so be it. But if I can prevent making everybody so unhappy that a HERO CAN COME ALONG AND GET EVERYBODY TO RALLY AGAINST ME BECAUSE OF MY BLATANT DISREGARD FOR THEM, then I'm all the better for it. Nothing wrong with a doomsday plot here, or a mass murdering there, but because my long-term goal is to become an overlord rather than a villain, having people who actually like me would help in the long run.
 * I will not live in my fortress, instead, I will hide in my grandmother's basement and have my fortress presided over by a robotic replica of someone I hate. This robot will do all the dirty work and, with luck, get killed by the heroes while I am safe to watch them hack it up.
 * I will not make any prison inescapable,in case I am trapped in it.
 * What if the hero escapes using this method?
 * I will avoid getting trapped then.
 * not going to work.
 * You can design an inescapeable prison with one exception of the one "darkest cell" at "lowest level" which as an Evil Overlord you would probably end in. You can design it so that it's doors are extreamly difficult to open yet there is a hidden way outside - thus if someone is escaping from anywhere else he won't be able to use that way.
 * There can be some wisdom to having a cell for my personal use. For this one cell only, there will be a secret one-way passage to some distance outside my lair if necessary (this makes it handy for me when I must seek another lair but inconvenient for heroes), but the point of the cell is that it will have all the bars and bolts on the inside. A certain Discworld potentate of mixed repute finds this technique to be rather handy when running the risk of being overthrown every so often.
 * If I am forced to have computers with password rather than the much more logical fingerprint/vocal interfaces, the passwords on all of them will be varying combinations of four regular words, as per XKCD. The passwords for these computers will be unique to all of my employees, and those who cannot remember their password will be restrained and examined by the best forensic investigators I can get (who will be provided with detailed descriptions of everyone who works with The Hero), before I will even consider reissuing a password. (If one of The Hero's partners can shape-shift, passwords will not be reissued).
 * I'll be on the look out for the Decoy Protagonist, if someone threatening my regime goes down quickly enough that I say "That was too easy." I'm probably right. I'll immediately investigate the family ties related to the person I just killed and go over the rest of the list to pick out the one who will most likely grow to be the revenge-seeking hero and act accordingly.
 * I'll also be on the lookout for the Supporting Protagonist, if my spies reveal the leader of the Five-Man Band coming for me doesn't have any real, discernable reason for wanting my death besides the generic evil overlord deeds, I'll direct my resources away from him to the others and try to find out who the real hero/chosen one among them is.
 * Continuing from this one: "I will not offer a bounty for the hero's capture. Henchmen have a pesky tendency to fight each other over these rewards."
 * If I must offer a bounty, I will spread it evenly among the henchman should one find him, as well as giving them a greater reward than a civilian. This has the added benefit of being a great campaign for henchmanship, increasing my evil army. Of course, these henchman will still be checked to ensure competence and allegiance.
 * I will always assume that my evil plans can fail at any given point, whether it be anywhere from before it begins to moments before it's completion, and plan accordingly. Also, I will keep Murphy's law in mind.
 * Also, I will remember that a contrary to popular belief, a sufficiently Genre Savvy or merely competent hero CAN stop stage one.
 * I will allow free speech, religion, and buisness decisions in my empire. People may come and go as they please, and the people shall be treated the same. Taxation will also be done fairly, with each person who works having to give 10-30% percent of their paycheck to the empire. Public works and attractions shall be maintained every hour on the hour, and anyone may rise up to a position of power. Also, abusment of power shall be harshly judged, and anyone who was hurt shall be taken care of. All of this shall be done so as to quell down any thoughts of rebellion, and even keep people in. After all, better to live in an empire that takes care of you justly and fairly and treats you with respect, than live somewhere that doesn't.
 * I will do my research and ensure that my opponent does not believe in an entity that grants him multiple lives. If so, I will find a way to get rid of his additional lives before facing him. After all, finding out only during a battle usually leads to unpleasant surprises and death.
 * If I steal something of value from the hero, I won't upgrade it for my own personal use, eventually the hero will wind up taking it back, and not only will he have an upgraded item made with my resources, but if it's a technological item, he'll also have a feel for the specific designs of my army, giving him a crippling advantage and knowledge of any weak points.
 * If I have the hero's group in a small prison. I will remember to order my guards that if a member of the group, particularly one who's of the "trying-to-be-funny" sort, trys to grab their attention with an sort of on-the-spot routine, he/she will be shot in the leg or ignored altogether (the same goes for a female seductress or anyone complaining of stomach cramps or snake bites). They should also remember not to allow any simple-minded creatures get close to anything that could probably release the heros.
 * I will not kill infants, especially that one prophesized to defeat me. Instead I will make that infant my immediate Heir Apparrent and have him guarded with my best solders. All too many evil overlords have fallen into the trap of trying to kill a child that would otherwise never have been a threat to him and made him into one.
 * Nor will I ever force randomly selected teenagers to fight to the death as a national spectacle, That never ends well.
 * Nor will viewing any national spectacle be compulsory.
 * In the event that the hero somehow gets his way into my lair, I will disguise myself as a butler, have my butler pretend to be me, and once he kills the butler, and has his moment of triumph, i will kill him with a simple shot to the back of the head.
 * I will remember that my Elite Mooks who have never lost a battle, can still be defeated. Too many Evil Overlords have relied too heavily on them and are soon left with no elite warriors after the Hero eventually kills them.
 * If I ever battle an enemy country's soldiers, and they only send some 1000 or less to face my 10000, I will not laugh at their pathetic efforts to beat me, and tell my soldiers that the enemy will easily be overcome. It will be made clear that these soldiers are probably some of the best warriors this country has to offer. I shall also take a look at the terrain of where we are going to battle, and take as many precautions as possible. I shall also not ride out in a carriage or other vehicle to watch the battle, that would only get me killed. And finally, I shall make sure my Legions of Doom have a full understanding of the Battle of Thermopylae, and know that even though numbers will eventually overwhelm, skill will be able to overtake most of these numbers easily.
 * I will understand that sexual slavery is reprehensible, demeaning and may well cause me to cross the Moral Event Horizon. Thus, I will not attempt to force my intentions on the hero's love interest, and under no circumstances will I permit him/her to hold onto any object that could be used as an improvised weapon whilst she is in my presence.
 * If I have a monster or spell that can turn my enemies into stone, I will not put all of my statues on display in my lair where the heroes can bring them back to normal. I will either destroy the statues so my victims are Deader Than Dead, or sell them to art connoisseurs across the globe so I can make a profit out of my enemies' demise.
 * If I sell them though, I'll cut the heads off, just in case the museum owner gets curious about if they're real under there or not.
 * Failing that, I will hide the statue somewhere no one would ever think to look for it, or even learn it exists. The last thing I need is my Eviler Than Thou predecessor being released by some asstarded coincidence like kids arguing next to it. I turned him to stone for a reason.
 * I will never admit to subjecting people to this fate if the victim remains conscious. And I Must Scream is rather high on the list of Moral Event Horizon violations.
 * Although I will make backup plans for my possible death, this will not design this part of the plan to be a core element.
 * My retirement plan for myself is going to have enough challenges to keep my genius occupied. Too many accomplished villains grow bored with enjoying their victory and go back to fighting battles they have already won (thus setting themselves up for defeat at the hands of a hero) purely out of nostalgia.
 * I will make sure that I have one person one my evil council whose job it is to argue against anything suggested. He will not be punished for disagreeing with me.
 * I shall remember, if I'm forced to use mind control to make my plans succeed, I will ensure only I can remove it of my own free will, I will ensure killing me will cause all the affected to die horribly, and I will make sure that only a certain state of mind, unaltered by any outside influence will enable the removsl of the mind control. I will also make sure, when the hero attempts Talking the Monster to Death to get me to remove it I will either shoot said hero before they speak, use the monolouge to get my troops or myself in a position to do this, or, assuming my mind control has an area of effect I can use to my advantage to eliminate the hero, I will get the hero within range and humor a debate with said hero until I can either mind control and/or kill said hero.
 * I will remember to be at least nice. That way, if an Archangel or some other similar bring tears through my minions, blows a hole in the wall, and hold his sword to my throat, I will have a valid reason for him/her nit to kill me.
 * If the hero tries to sway me to the side of good, rather than outright rejecting him or lying and telling him that I will henceforth be good, I will tell him something to the effect of "Your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter." From here, this can go a few ways: either the hero will feel extremely awkward at the thought that he has no newsletter, distracting him long enough for me to do him in; he will present me with the newsletter and leave me be in order to read it; or he will feel awkward but not be distracted and go to make a newsletter for me to subscribe to. Either way, he's out of my hair for the time being.
 * If I am forced to choose between Evil and Overlord, I will choose Overlord. Sure, Evil qua Evil is nice and all, but it's power that pays the bills. Plus, when I eventually do return to my Evil schemes, I will most likely find it much easier, having built up a track record of Good and effective governance in the meantime.
 * Before I place a curse on anyone, I will make sure it isn't broken by True Love's Kiss or something easy like that. I'll either use one that can't be broken or, better yet, one that can only be broken by having me willingly kiss them.
 * And be prepared for the possibility that I just might have to kiss them.
 * I will never outlaw smiling, hugs, flowers, or "being nice". I might not like any of that stuff, but ruling a whole country of assholes and people forced to be assholes will just make everyone annoyed and miserable, cause rampant crime and vandalism, send my public relations into the toilet, and lower property values.
 * I will take my cues from Stephen Harper, not Russell Hantz.
 * When it comes to promoting minions, I will follow a strict form of promotion granting. Those who kiss up all the time will not be promoted, as it only brings animosity to other troops. Butt kissing will only be used as a tie breaker if the butt kisser is as strong, intelligent, cunning, loyal and effective a leader as the other candidate.
 * If I brainwash someone into becoming my sleeper agent who forwards my evil plans without their knowledge, I will not have the brainwashing wear off when my sleeper agent finishes the last task I gave him. They will simply return to an initial state where more instructions can be provided.
 * I will never attempt to trap or kill any hero by challenging him to any contest that I have designed and prepared. Any hero foolish enough to take me up on that is no real threat in the first place. Nevertheless, any hero that actually does enter into such a contest is certain to defeat both the trap and me through some combination of courage, luck, psychologically impossible moments of brilliance, and/or the inevitable-yet-unpredictable intervention of his friends. Best not even to try this route.
 * I will wear bright colors where bright colors are the norm and darker colors where darker colors are the norm. When in Rome, do as the Romans do, right?
 * If my plan is to conquer the world, I will ensure I have read Sun Tzu's the art of War before my military campaign.
 * If I have a One-Winged Angel form, I will ensure that the process of transformation lasts a fraction of a second to ensure that I am not attacked while doing so. If I have more than one, I will immediately use the most powerful form and kill everyone before something bad invariably happens.
 * After destroying the home planet of the only race that can possibly challenge me, I will order the entire star system scanned for escape pods before doing anything else. I will also kill the only survivors instead of letting them work for me.
 * If I manage to capture and mind control/brainwash one of the heroes, I will not send them back to their companions with instructions to lead them into a trap, or backstab them. Double-or-nothing is an elementary gambling mistake. Instead, I will seize the opportunity to do some permanent damage by ordering my new slave to turn around, then executing them.
 * I will never casually assume the heroes won't employ some of their more morally questionable options because they're too good for it. If all goes according to plan, there's a good chance they'll treat my decisive victory as a Godzilla Threshold.
 * On second thought...
 * I must neither now nor ever assume that tropers here are not as Genre Savvy as they think they are. More often than not, since there are corollaries to many of the original rules, the Dumbass Has a Point.
 * Even a private quiet wedding isn't a hot idea. Contraceptives are not always reliable.
 * Those commemorative coins in rule #79 can be just like a fingerprint or shoeprint as a means of identification. And who knows just what the hero can do with one of those damn things?
 * Internet access is a highly effective means of keeping people in a trance. Nevertheless, a young user may eventually find and make excellent use of any website where Pop Culture is not the main focus. For that reason, I shall install veteran guards in these areas to survey their activities.
 * Likewise with basic cable, especially Reality Television. For that reason, Monday evenings (The Bachelor and Dancing With the Stars) will be a key point for any significant activity regarding my realm. On the other hand, any program on which there has been a report of Table Flipping will be subjected to the equivalent of a drive scrubbing.
 * My legions of evil will not be Faceless Goons and they will all wear helpful "Hello, my name is..." nametags so I know who to punish if they step out of line.
 * If I eliminate anyone, I will not forbid speaking of his name. I will simply eradicate him from the public record in every available way, from removing mentions of him from microfiched newspapers to removing his presence from social networks. Ultimately, no one will mourn him, and no one will avenge him, because no one will even remember him.
 * If I lay waste to a town, I will make sure that I laid complete waste to it, so that no one survives. And then I will have every surrounding town laid waste to, just to make absolutely sure. I'm a villain, after all... I'm not supposed to be nice.
 * If I see an escape pod leaving a vessel I have just commandeered, I will destroy the escape pod, even if there doesn't appear to be anyone on board. Ammo may not be cheap, but the saying goes, "pay now or pay later."
 * In the event I capture someone who appears to be a civilian, I will carefully monitor the heroes to see if one them is missing or is acting suspiciously out of character. That way I'll be able find out if the "civilian" is actually one of the heroes.
 * I will regularly ransom prisoners to the heroes. There will be no correlation between the "value" of the prisoners and the value of what I ask for. Furthermore, I will not limit myself to asking for things that are valuable and/or powerful.
 * Whenever prisoners are exchanged for ransom only half of them will be brought to the exchange site. I will then have a competent minion verify that the heroes have kept their end of the bargain (i.e. they have given us the requested items, and said items are not trapped). If they have the other half of the prisoners will be released. If the item is fake or trapped I will either release the remaining prisoners (lulling the heroes into a false sense of security), or publicly execute them.
 * As good slaves are hard to come by I will ensure slaves are well fed and hydrated and properly clothed for the environment they are working in. If financially feasible I will make their living conditions better then what they were prior to becoming a slave. (Assuming they don't put undue value on their freedom).
 * If I have a single-use superweapon, and a choice between targeting some minor person who has annoyed me personally and an actual threat, I will put aside personal jealousy for a few seconds and target the actual threat.