Crooked Little Vein

"I opened my eyes to see the rat taking a piss in my coffee mug. It was a huge brown bastard; had a body like a turd with legs and beady black eyes full of secret rat knowledge."

- Michael McGill's first two sentences, setting the mood for the novel.

Crooked Little Vein is the first novel by Warren Ellis, published in 2007.

Michael McGill, a burned-out Private Detective is hired by a corrupt and heroin-addicted White House Chief of Staff to find a second "secret" United States Constitution, which had been lost in a brothel by Richard Nixon. What follows is a scavenger hunt across America, exposing its weirder side along the way. McGill is joined by surreal college student side-kick, Trix, who is writing a thesis on sexual fetishes.

"McGill: "Now holllld on. A seventy-year-old serial killer is gonna lecture me on the intynets.""
 * Author Tract: Ellis has a tendency to let his characters be mouthpieces for his views, especially regarding the Internet. This doesn't lower the entertainment value, and it is Lampshaded when characters are unexpectedly monologuing about certain topics:

""I don't have a secretary. Sometimes I flip on a phone voice-changer I got for five bucks on eBay and pretend to be my own secretary. It is very sad.""
 * Eagle Land: The novel is a satire on all aspects of American culture. As Warren Ellis is British, he has a natural outsider perspective.
 * Ethical Slut: How Trix lives her life.
 * First Person Perspective: The book is written from McGill's perspective.
 * First-Person Smartass: The novel features a main character who tells the story from the first person and is most definitely a smartass, but subverts the rest of the trope by... well, being a typical Ellis protagonist, really.


 * 555: When told to call (555) 555-5555 for help, Mike demonstrates his detective skills by pointing out that the number won't work, as it's only used by Hollywood. To which the Chief of Staff responds, "We gave it to them. It works for us."
 * Government Conspiracy: There is a secret constitution only the top government knows. It was lost in The Fifties and the Chief of Staff wants it recovered to use its supposed Mind Control powers to restore America morally.
 * Groin Attack: In a way: At one point McGill lets fetishists inject his testicles with salt water, which inflates them to gigantic size. He is not happy about it, despite it being apparently painless.

"Trix: "Polyamory doesn't mean I'm a slut. It just means I have a lot of love to give and I want a lot of people in my life.""
 * Heteronormative Crusader: The Chief of Staff, despite him being a pervert himself in his private life.
 * Mind Control: The secret constitution is supposed to be able to influence people who are listening to it being read in the same room. It is explicitly stated that transmission via mass media does not work.
 * My Girl Is a Slut: The protagonist's love interest is bi and poly. He jokes that he doesn't have a problem with her having sex with other women, but wants to be her only man. At the end, he gives in, saying she can sleep with anyone she wants, as long as she comes home to him. And damn if she's open-minded. She gives the protagonist a lecture about healthy bestiality relationships at one point, when he dares to be offended.
 * Polyamory: Trix had in the beginning of the novel three girlfriends and two boyfriends.

"Falconer: "You look weary. A traveling man?" McGill: "You could say that. New York, Columbus, San Antonio, Vegas. On to L.A." Falconer: "What a crooked little vein you travel.""
 * Private Detective
 * Serial Killer: McGill has a pleasant chat with one on a plane.
 * Shown Their Work: The book was based on research material posted on Ellis' website, mostly odd news items and disturbing pictures from the Internet that Ellis had found or had been sent.
 * Title Drop: In a conversation with another detective:


 * Vagina Dentata: The novel features a variant of this trope when the protagonist stumbles into a conversation with a demented fellow mystery explorer that mentions a homicide by Anal Dentata. Yeah, the book is kind of like that. Warren Ellis is kind of like that.
 * The War on Terror: Is the cultural background for many things in the novel. The protagonist twice uses terror paranoia to get rid of people who annoy him, and teenagers producing a community radio are arrested for "musical terrorism" by the FCC.
 * Weirdness Magnet: McGill, although considering the kind of weirdness he attracts, he calls it 'shit-magnet'.