All You Need Is Love

All You Need Is Love by The Carnivorous Muffin is an AU Death Note Crack Fic Romantic Comedy pairing up Light Yagami and Naomi Misora by having Light stalk Misora... but in a charming way. Meanwhile Misa and L continue to throw themselves at Light, while L pretends to investigate him as a mass-murder suspect.

"Naomi (to Light): YOU HAVE NO SEX DRIVE!"
 * Abhorrent Admirer: Misa and L towards Light. L and  towards Naomi.
 * Action Girl: Naomi throwing people out the window is almost a Running Gag.
 * The same is true for
 * Action Mom:
 * Adorably Precocious Child: 4-year old Duck is more mature than most of the adults in this story.
 * Adults Are Useless: Duck seems to think so.
 * Asexuality:

"Duck: Tell Light when he gets home to try not to be so terribly obvious with his vocation, one day I may just decide to turn him in."
 * All Part of the Show:
 * Alternate Universe Fic
 * Amusing Injuries: when
 * Antagonistic Offspring:

"Naomi: Now, Duck, you and I have already had a talk about provoking mentally unstable individuals..."
 * Axe Crazy: Light of course, and becoming justifiably moreso after what L puts him through.
 * Be a Whore to Get Your Man: After Misa enters the picture, Naomi starts wearing Gothic Lolita in an attempt to recapture Light's attention, much to Light's horror.
 * Berserk Button: Light flips out at any mention of Matsuda's soap opera, or more specifically of Matsuda's "reimagining" of his character as poor wimpy Hikaru Imagay the gay prostitute.
 * Betty and Veronica: Genderflipped for Naomi, Raye is Betty and Light is Veronica
 * Black Comedy Rape: L coming onto Light. Zigzagged. It's frequently joked about that L might try to rape Light while he's incarcerated but Naomi shows genuine concern for Light's well-being. For the most part L acts like a Dogged Nice Guy Stalker with a Crush.
 * Brain Bleach
 * Brainwashed: Naomi concludes that Light has brainwashed his family and everyone he's met into thinking he's a good person.
 * Brick Joke: "You have another spurned and neglected lover? God dammit, Ryuuzaki!"
 * Broke Episode:
 * Brutal Honesty: Naomi's preferred method of dealing with Mello.
 * Bullying a Dragon: Subverted, Naomi wants to stay on Light's good-side in case Light ever remembers he's a serial killing mass-murderer.
 * L plays this completely straight with his continual harassment of Light.
 * Duck and Mello:

"Matsuda (throwing himself against a door, repeatedly): You know… Duck… I don't think this is working… Duck: I'm sure you'll get it eventually. The trick is to keep trying and to believe in yourself, then any task can be accomplished. Or so public educational television tells me."
 * But I Play One on TV: When Matsuda has the Taskforce reenacting their story in Soap Opera form, Matsuda worries that Light is getting Lost in Character. He's supposed to be playing "Hikaru", not "the Boogeyman."
 * Butt Monkey: Misa, L, Near, Naomi, Light.
 * Captain Obvious: "Yes Misa, two plus two equals four."
 * Cassandra Truth: Naomi knows Light is Kira, is stalking her, and pretty much everything that's going on plot-wise but since she's acquired a reputation for being neurotic no one will believe her.
 * The Chew Toy: Mello
 * Child Prodigy: Duck
 * Cloudcuckoolander: Naomi. She has developed this psychological defense from always being Alone with the Psycho.
 * Comedic Sociopathy
 * Conspicuous Trenchcoat: Raye
 * Crack Fic
 * Crazy Jealous Guy: Light towards Naomi, and L towards Light.
 * Creepy Uncle: Duck refers to L as "Uncle Pedophilia" though they aren't related by blood.
 * Cringe Comedy: Upon realizing that they are booked for another hour of interview time Matsuda attempts to stall by telling jokes about terrorists.
 * The Cuckoolander Was Right: Naomi's paranoid conjectures are accurate more often than not.
 * Cute Bruiser: Naomi
 * Date Rape: L on Light.
 * Deadpan Snarker: Naomi, Light, and L all have their moments. And Duck.
 * Death Seeker: L baits Light, challenging him to kill him with his bare hands. "I have nothing to live for anyway."
 * Depraved Homosexual: Forget detective work or solving the Kira case-L's true motivation is to get Light in the sack.
 * Destination Defenestration:
 * Determinator: deconstructed:

"Naomi just knew [Duck] had that look on Light's face that he got when something extremely unpleasant was about to happen. It started with the creepy smile and then the creepy smile would grow into a creepy grin and then the eyes would turn color until they looked crimson (she wasn't sure of the physics behind that but it did happen) and then he would laugh."
 * Devil in Plain Sight: Kira.
 * And Duck:

"Mello: ...Did the four year old just say he wants to kill Kira?
 * Didn't Think This Through:
 * Disproportionate Retribution:

Naomi: Duck, I know you hate Light but this is a bit too far."

"Naomi: I'm very sorry to everyone. My companions don't try to be idiots it just kind of happens. Sayu and I were put through very traumatic experiences; it's just for me, well… I deal with this shit all the time so it doesn't really bother me. For a normal person I'm sure what we went through would have left them shell shocked with only the ability to remain curled in a corner rocking themselves back and forth. So I'm going to apologize on the behalf of everyone here except for Takada who really did try her best, it's not her fault that he's dumb, she's traumatized, I don't have problems, he's an asshole, and he's the devil."
 * Double Standard Rape (Male on Male): L frequently drugs and has his way with Light. Naomi feels sorry for Light but everyone else has No Sympathy.
 * Dressing as the Enemy: When the police are banging down the door Matt and Duck attempt to disguise Mello. Matt resorts to drugging Mello in order to make him lose the stripper costume, cuts his hair and forces him into a suit and tie. Naomi comments in her Internal Monologue that it makes him look like Misa's little brother that likes dressing up like Light.
 * Dysfunction Junction:

"Light: Mr. Raye Penber is very annoying and doesn't know when to LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE. I realize it is his job to follow me around like a lost puppy but could he at least put a small amount of effort into not being so bloody noticeable? It's almost embarrassing having to look behind me every day and see him there standing oh so inconspicuously behind me with that newspaper shielding his pasty face. Yes, I can see him behind that newspaper the eyes in my face indicate that I am not blind. Your fiancé should note this fact next time he comes tapping along behind me, which should be any moment now I might add. Here are a few tips I wish to convey to your lover boy, please feel free to tell him for me as I think it's counterproductive for me to tell him. Besides it would just point out how inept he truly is: 1) when following someone try not to walk so loudly and when they stop walking you stop walking 2) when following someone do not literally follow them at every single moment of the day this includes lurking outside their room in the dead of night 3) do not wear the same clothes every day especially when on a high school campus not only are you noticeable you look completely ridiculous 4) when on a bus that is being high-jacked by a man with a gun do not show your victim your ID with your real name, if you have to use a pseudonym it's not unheard of 5) everyone can see you whispering in the back of the bus your voice is louder than you think 6) don't tell your victim what day your shift ends; you never know when they might have been paying attention. 7) when wearing the same clothes every day do not wear a blue trench coat, you want to be mistaken for a drug dealer every time you take a stroll? 8) when glaring at your victim and their date try not to look so completely bored, if you are going for the 'pedophilic-stalker' look be sure to complete it otherwise you look stupid 9) walk at a distance far enough away that your victim can't instantly grasp the fact that he is being stalked 10) try to look like you're doing something besides following your victim people might start to notice. I could go on but I think this should suffice, once again I leave with the statement THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC USELESS BEAU WHO CAN'T EVEN STALK HIS VICTIMS PROPERLY!!! Thank you for your time."
 * Enfant Terrible: Duck
 * Enforced Method Acting: In Matsuda's soap opera Light is cast to play the character of "Hikaru Imagay" who is gay and L wants to help Light portray that more realistically...
 * Epic Fail: Stalking: Raye Penber is Doing It Wrong, as Light notes in one of his letters:

"Takeshi (to Light): Have you been watching what you drink, he's probably spiked everything you touch. Light: I know he does, thank you for the advice."
 * Light's porn.
 * Mello trying to be intimidating and get Naomi to take him seriously.
 * Even Evil Has Standards: Takeshi the heroin dealer gives Light a few free pointers on how to avoid getting drugged and raped by L.

"Naomi (to L): You're just jealous that I'm in his pants and you're not."
 * Extreme Doormat: Light nicknames Raye "The Wallpaper." Also Matt.
 * Faking the Dead: L doesn't let his successors know he is still alive because he doesn't want to have to talk to them.
 * First-Name Basis: Matsuda wonders why Duck refers to Raye by his first name.
 * Fix Fic: So far the story has loosely followed Death Note canon except that  don't die.
 * Fluffy the Terrible: After noticing Light/Kira stalking her Naomi starts referring to her stalker as "Mr. Snuggles."
 * Duck also qualifies.
 * Freudian Excuse: "The Beyond Birthday case made so much more sense now, BB wasn't a megalomaniac he was L's spurned and neglected lover. Clearly the jam was just the aftershock of being forced into sex with someone that looked vaguely like a crack head. And she had prevented him from burning himself alive, if she had to have sex with L she might have tried to burn herself alive too. Naomi noted to herself that perhaps it was a good time to go to L.A.'s prison and apologize to that poor madman."
 * Freudian Slip:

"Duck Look, mommy, his pants are tighter than yours!"
 * From the Mouths of Babes: Duck shares with his mother the following observation about Mello:

"Light: I am not blatantly homosexual! I just wear nice clothing!"
 * From Nobody to Nightmare: "She was beginning to think that Mello, like Hitler, had failed at his previous profession. Instead of being denied art school admission Mello had failed at being a fashion designer and now insisted on dressing the Japanese mafia in his own designs and showcasing his masterpieces on his own effeminate figure."
 * Genre Shift: It's like Death Note the Sitcom.
 * Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?

"L: Light-kun, it's already obvious that you're Kira. Light: No, I'm not Kira... And you look like a meth addict so no one will ever believe you."
 * Hearing Voices: "It tells me to kill"
 * Heroic BSOD:
 * Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Light, L and Naomi have moments too.
 * Het Is Ew: Subverted, this fic is taking a break from the rampant Slash (Not That There's Anything Wrong with That).
 * Hookers and Blow: Naomi suggests this is what L spent all his money on. His reply seems to suggest he wanted to but Watari wouldn’t let him.
 * Hot Amazon: Light sees Naomi this way.
 * Human Interest Story: Poor Takada tries to interview Naomi and Sayu about their kidnapping. Tries.
 * Hypocritical Humor
 * I Have This Friend: Light tells L and Naomi that Kira texted him informing him that he's "misplaced" his notebook, er so what should we do about it?

"Light: I think your successor thinks we have the combined I.Q. of Matsuda. Matsuda: You guys know I'm right here."
 * I Have You Now, My Pretty: When L handcuffs himself to Light.
 * I Know Capoeira
 * I Lied
 * I Wrote Our Story: Matsuda's soap opera... sort of...
 * I'm Not Hungry: L drugged the éclairs.
 * I'm Standing Right Here

"Naomi: What are you working on anyway, we both know you're Kira. Light: I'm not working on anything. Naomi: Then why the laptop? Light: ... Porn...
 * Informed Ability: Mello's genius IQ.
 * Infraction Distraction: while Light is killing criminals...

Naomi: Wow that is the most boring pornography I have ever seen. This is porn for you?"

"Light: Your demon son.
 * In the Blood: Light declares that Misora's four year old son is EVIL!
 * Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain: Naomi sees that Mello still believes he's menacing after getting his ass handed to him and she still thinks it's just sad.
 * Irritation Is the Sincerest Form of Flattery: "The team looked at L who looked about ready to shoot himself at the fact that his successor had stolen his entire get-up. At least Mello had the decency to become a transvestite mafia lord for the sake of originality, Near was just a sad little chip off the old block."
 * "It's Not Rape If You Enjoyed It"
 * Jerkass: L, Raye Penber
 * Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Light... he spared Naomi and Raye in this fic-verse. "Not about you" indeed.
 * Kid with the Leash: Naomi feels like this. She knows Light is a psycho but he could be so much worse...
 * Know-Nothing Know-It-All: Mello.
 * Law of Inverse Fertility:
 * Law of Inverse Paternity:
 * Licensed Sexist: Light
 * Lighter and Softer: There are much fewer deaths of series regulars and Light/Kira is much more mentally stable in this ficverse "sticking to a diet of murderers and rapists" and doesn't jump off the slippery slope.
 * Like an Old Married Couple: Light and L's bickering, Lampshaded.
 * Locked Out of the Loop: Raye Penber
 * And neither Raye nor Light are able to figure out that
 * Mello and Near are not informed (or in Mello's case refuse to believe) that
 * Love At First Punch:
 * Love Letter Lunacy
 * Love Triangle: Raye-Naomi-Light, L-Naomi-Light, Naomi-Light-Misa, and L-Light-Misa
 * Luke, You Are My Father:
 * Later:

Naomi:

Light: My what?"

"Naomi: Are you saying that we lost the notebook and that no one noticed? How could you lose something like that? That's like Roosevelt losing the atom bomb, woops it got stolen, guess we'll have to write that one off."
 * Manipulative Bastard: Duck is a chip off the old block.
 * May-December Romance: Naomi is ten years older than Light.
 * Mike Nelson, Destroyer of Worlds: If anyone is going to destroy the world it's going to be Matsuda. Later Light tells L and Naomi that Kira told him that he has "misplaced" a Death Note.

"L (to Light) You look German. Light: Yes, well, recessive genes I suppose."
 * Mistaken for Gay
 * Mook Face Turn:
 * Monster Clown: Light shows Ryuk to Naomi, much to her annoyance.
 * Morality Chain: Naomi realizes, to her horror, that she is Light's Morality Chain and so keeps hanging out with him even though he is a Serial Killer, her creepy stalker, and a jerk because he could be so much worse.
 * Mugging the Monster:.
 * Mukokuseki

"Naomi: Light, wait up! You're going to put someone's eye out with that gun. Light:That's sort of the idea."
 * Narcissist:
 * Newspaper-Thin Disguise
 * Nice Character, Mean Actor: When Light is cast to play the nice gay schoolboy in Matsuda's soap opera.
 * The Nicknamer:
 * Light refers to Raye Penber as "the Wallpaper" and  as "The Curtain."
 * Duck refers to L as "Uncle Pedophilia and Light as "Ted Bundy". Duck also renames Wammy's House as "Wammy's Dog Fighting Arena for Boys" and gives Mello and Matt new aliases- Mello is "F" (either for "Frodo" or "Failure" his choice) and Matt is "D" (either for "Dracula" or "Doormat" again, his choice).
 * Naomi upon learning L has another successor after surviving the Beyond Birthday case refers to Near as "Near Necrophilia" and she calls the Big Guy mafia guard Bubba.
 * Noble Demon: Light frequently (pathologically) explains his behavior such as why he permits the taskforce's continued existence and how it's not about you at all.
 * No Sense of Personal Space: L gets very grabby around Light.
 * No Social Skills: L, of course. "L had an annoying habit of speaking very loudly on his cellphone as if his conversation was far more important than anything anyone else could be doing. That or Watari had managed to teach L no social etiquette at all, maybe he hadn't bothered. L could have been a lost cause from the get go."
 * Noodle Incident: Kira's stint as the babysitter.
 * Not Evil, Just Misunderstood: Raye argues this about Light until Light starts living at his house...
 * Not Worth Killing:
 * Omnicidal Maniac: Naomi worries that her son might become one.
 * Only Sane Man: Naomi. She is very moved when Mello (of all people) realizes how very stupid it all is too.
 * Open Says Me: averted when Matsuda repeatedly throws his shoulder against a door and it fails to open played straight when Light shoots the lock off and kicks the door down.
 * Original Character: Duck
 * Parenting the Husband: or rather parenting the Axe Crazy Stalker with a Crush

"Naomi: What did happen during the chain incident anyway?
 * Playful Hacker: L asks that Light hack into the satellite feeds for him.
 * Police Are Useless
 * Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Ah, Mello. You ridiculous British blonde kid. "You shittin' me, bitch!"
 * Pretty Freeloaders: Gender-flipped with Light, L, and Matsuda crashing at Naomi's place.
 * Prison Rape: frequently implied. Brought up again while Light is gleefully torturing a drug dealer for information:

Light: Naomi you don't even want to know.

She probably didn't. It probably had a lot to do with showers and magic bath soap and L. That in itself was enough of an image to scar her for life."

"Naomi: [Most people] believe that man is essentially good and ride upon that faith throughout life. Duck: That's a silly thing to believe. If I believed in the essential goodness of man I'd be Kira too and we certainly don't need two of those.
 * Prodigal Family: L, with good reason, is morbidly embarrassed by his successors.
 * Properly Paranoid: When Naomi is chatting with Light she finds it's something they have in common.
 * Pushed in Front of the Audience: Thanks to Matsuda and Duck, Naomi and Sayu have to go on TV and talk about their kidnapping experience.
 * The Quiet One: Matt
 * "The Reason You Suck" Speech
 * Reports of My Death Were Greatly Exaggerated:
 * Rousseau Was Right: When Naomi attempts to teach Duck about ethics:

Naomi: Duck, Kira is a serial killer who believes he kills the irredeemable scum of the earth. I don't think he should be your role model of men who have faith in humanity.

Duck: He wouldn't bother if he thought there was no chance of redemption, he believes that most people have that spark of goodness in their hearts and only some are the scum of the earth. If he thought that all men were worthless he'd either do nothing or he'd just kill everyone."

"L If you're finally going to admit that you're Kira I'll have you know that so far your various futures entail your being my sex slave, the government's sex slave, or locked up in some mental institution. Of the three I prefer your being my sex slave but the decision is yours. Or Naomi-chan could shoot you behind the chemical shed, if that's preferable."
 * Sadistic Choice:

"L So really the only options that we have left after we prove that Light is Kira are for him to be my personal sex slave or to be shot behind the chemical shed. Prove to ourselves at least, I don't think we'll ever convince Soichiro or Matsuda even with the thirteen day rule. So Light since this is your immediate future which would you prefer, death or sex slave?"
 * Scarpia Ultimatum: when L presses the issue of the above...

"Naomi: You do realize that if L or Kira were to find out they would kill you... If Light finds out he'll probably kill you. However he might keep you around as a pawn and use you to reach his ultimate goal of creating a cult civilization in which he's god. That means that if you don't find yourself drowning in a swimming pool you'll find yourself brainwashed and tortured and then thinking nothing at all... If L finds you that's a whole different story. L won't kill you but he will tie you to a chair and leave you there to rot for fifty days and then pretend to execute you only to leave you alive so that the government can perform nasty experiments on you. He probably won't give you a trial but instead will leave you in a mental institution or have you killed off by thugs. Then he'll steal your name and use it as yet another detective name and that will be the end of that.
 * Scylla and Charybdis: Naomi relates how it SUCKS being stuck between L and Kira's warring egos:

Duck: Why do you work for these people?"

"Light: Those weapons of mass destruction are slippery little devils. I'm beginning to think that the notebook is secretly the one ring lacking both a dark overlord and a fiery Mount Doom in which to destroy it."
 * Sdrawkcab Name: This fic mocks the overused "Imagay" fandom in-joke.
 * Selective Obliviousness: Raye Penber, Matsuda
 * She Is Not My Girlfriend: Misa is most definitely not Light's girlfriend. He's not interested in L either despite L's many come-ons.
 * Sherlock Scan:
 * Shout-Out: To Twilight also a Take That

"For some reason Naomi found herself thinking of The Godfather, and the horse's head tossed into a bed. Except the horse's head was Matt's and it was Mello's leopard printed waterbed that was soaked in blood."
 * And:

"Matsuda: Well, Inamo it turns out had an affair with Y's evil twin A and that A is now back in town but Y doesn't want Hikaru to know because he's afraid that A will seduce Y because they're identical and it's really hard to tell them apart. Light: And let me guess Hikaru is going to sleep with both of them because he's not only gay but he's also a whore. Matsuda: Um, well, I don't know if I'd use that term but what if he really can't tell the difference and then… Wow Light, you have really good ideas! You should help me write sometime! Light: You know, this is excellent proof that I'm not Kira. Ryuzaki may be miserable and death-seeking but if I had been Kira then surely Matsuda would be dead by now."
 * Sink-or-Swim Fatherhood: "You can't leave Kira in charge! That's child endangerment!"
 * Sissy Villain: Mello
 * Soap Within a Show: Matsuda's soap opera which is very loosely based on the lives of the Kira Taskforce...

""Light had been extremely careful and it would have been ridiculous to jump to the conclusion that he killed via notebook rather than magic bath towel. For months L had been convinced that Light had killed via bath towel, or magic shower soap, or just showers.""
 * Stalker with a Crush: Light towards Naomi. Also L towards Light:


 * Stalking Is Love
 * Steven Ulysses Perhero: "Hello, my name is Hikaru Imagay! My name is a play on my sexuality!"
 * Suck Sessor: BB, Near, and Mello.
 * Sunglasses at Night: Matt wears goggles indoors, in the dark. Naomi "supposed that since it was goggles it hadn't offended her as immediately as sunglasses would have but he still looked like a tool."
 * Super Dickery: L is a dick.
 * Take That, Audience!: or Take That Fandom. The Meta joke of Matsuda's soap opera, staring Hikaru Imagay the gay prostitute.
 * The Friend Nobody Likes: Misa and L are this for the taskforce. L feels this way about Near and Mello and makes Light talk to Near because he doesn't want to talk to him or even let him know
 * There Are No Therapists: After the LABB, L refused to help pay for Naomi's therapy.
 * Light's parents attempt to make him seek help from a therapist when his mental issues begin to become obvious after blatantly stalking an older woman and her fiance, crashing at their place, and refusing to leave. Light's parents concede that their son MIGHT just have a problem and should probably get help. Naomi notes that it's a couple of years too late. Nor is there any therapy available for all the times L drugged and had his way with Light. But L did give him a gun...
 * They Would Cut You Up: L points out that even if he arrested Light as Kira the world governments wouldn't execute him right away. They'd want to study him first to see what effects long-term usage of the notebook has on a human body...
 * The Thing That Would Not Leave: Kira at Raye and Naomi's place.
 * This Is for Emphasis, Bitch: It's Mello, bitch!
 * Too Dumb to Live: Just after raping Light again, L gives him a gun and a SWAT team to lead.
 * Unreliable Narrator
 * Viva Las Vegas: Where Naomi kidnaps Raye to in order to get married.
 * Walking Wasteland: Naomi argues that, hypothetically, Kira might be one of these and therefore there really is no need for L to be watching Light shower.
 * We Can Rule Together: To placate Misa, Light and Naomi insist that Misa is Goddess of the New World and Naomi is more like secretary.
 * We Need a Distraction
 * We Want Our Jerk Back
 * "Well Done, Son" Guy: The way Duck manipulates public opinion earns Light's grudging respect. He's still a curtain though.
 * Who Names Their Kid "Dude"?: Naomi names her  son "Duck Sherlock Penber"
 * With Catlike Tread
 * With Friends Like These...: "Naomi realized her closest friend was a Serial Killer who crashed at her house and tormented her son and husband."
 * Who Is This Guy Again?: Who's Matt?
 * You Have to Believe Me
 * Your Cheating Heart: Misa is Light's "girlfriend" but Naomi is the only one that Light has an active interest in (despite not having a sex-drive). Naomi  Naomi gets married to Raye while Light continues to stalk her, and meanwhile L continues to stalk Light.
 * Your Little Dismissive Diminutive: Light berates Naomi and her little wallpaper / curtain.
 * Younger Than They Look / Older Than They Look: Naomi notes that when Light is Kira he carries himself like an old man and when he has relinquished his memories he suddenly looks and acts as if he's five.