The Eye of Argon

"Grignr slipped his right hand to his thigh, concealing a small opaque object beneath the folds of the g-string wrapped about his waist. Brine wells swelled in Grignr's cold, jade squinting eyes, which grown accustomed to the gloom of the stygian pools of ebony engulfing him, were bedazzled and blinded by flickerering radiance cast forth by the second soldiers's resin torch."

Described as "the worst fantasy novella ever", The Eye Of Argon by Jim Theis, who was 16 when he wrote it, is the tale of Grignr, a foul-mouthed barbarian warrior who is trying to escape the dungeons of Evil Overlord Agaphim and rescue a young woman named Carthena from a pagan cult who want to sacrifice her to their idol - a statue with one eye called "The Eye of Argon" (a "scarlet emerald", complete with some interesting plumbing).

The story is well known for its abundant cliches, shoddy spelling, flat characters, wooden dialogue and overly colourful writing. Every woman is a "wench", eyes are "emerald orbs". Nothing is ever "said" - instead it is "queried" or "ejaculated" or "husked" or "stated whimsicoracally". There's an extended scene involving elderly priests groping Carthena, and a scene where Grignr has sex with (or possibly just hugs) a "half-naked harlot... with a lithe, opaque nose". One cult member randomly faints by an epileptic fit in battle, and another suffers a savage, multi-paragraph Groin Attack.

The most widely-known and -circulated copy of the story comes to an abrupt and unsatisfactory halt, and for many years it was believed that the ending was lost forever (or even, in some quarters, that the story was never completed). Recent years have seen the separate discoveries of two intact copies of the fanzine in which The Eye of Argon debuted, so it is now known how the tale ends. (With multiple exclamation marks, it turns out.)

At science fiction conventions, The Eye Of Argon is now a sort of parlor game. All participants sit in a circle with a hard copy of the story, and the first one starts reading aloud--pronouncing every word as it's misspelled, and including every adjective. When he or she finally bursts into laughter, the copy is passed to the next person. If a person manages to make it through more than a page, the copy is sometimes passed anyway, on the grounds that the reader must have special training as a news anchor.

A nicely-retyped transcription, not perfect but quite a bit better, has long been in circulation, with a transcriber's note apologising for its inability to reproduce the original's typesetting and illustrations. It is now also possible to view a facsimile copy of the original publication, in all its strangely-set and oddly-illustrated glory(?). This facsimile does include the lost ending.

As reading it raw may cause brain damage, you can settle for the MST'd version, or this Dramatic Reading of Chapter One on You Tube. For those whom are unable to read it sober, we have the Drinking Game over here.

Compare Atlanta Nights and My Immortal.

"Agaphim: Take this uncouth heathen to the vault of misery, and be sure that his agonies are long and drawn out..."
 * 0% Approval Rating - Agaphim only stays in power because he has such a vast army.
 * Accidentally Accurate - There is in fact such a thing as scarlet emerald. It's not known if the author knew this, however.
 * Angrish - Prince Agaphim starts to spout "Muffled, syllibant gibberish" when Grignir calls him a fat idiot.
 * Anticlimax - After pages of over-the-top fight scenes, Grignr's final enemy is a mystical leech that sucks an absurd amount of blood from his leg only to die when burned with a torch.
 * Author Appeal - Almost every chapter contains at least a mention of breasts. A character even speaks "bustily".
 * Author Vocabulary Calendar - Unfortunately, few, if any words are used correctly.
 * Barbarian Hero - Grignr, a very obvious Captain Ersatz of Conan the Barbarian.
 * Battle Cry - Grignr's is "hoarsely piercing." Usually includes the phrase "by the surly beard of Mrifkr!"
 * Beauty Equals Goodness - The prince and shamen [sic] are always described as fat and disgusting, while Grignr and Carthena are usually portrayed as attractive.
 * Grignr is a male She Cleans Up Nicely.
 * BFS - Averted. Most of the swords described are "a foot of blinding steel", which is actually really short (dagger-like, in fact; a good sword is at least three feet).
 * Booby Trap - Grignr narrowly escapes one.
 * The Caligula - Agaphim
 * Den of Iniquity
 * Department of Redundancy Department - Examples include "the stygian cloud of charcoal ebony."
 * Deus Ex Machina - One priest randomly faints of an epileptic fit for no apparent reason.
 * Did Not Do the Research - Too many to count. Among them, a reference to the testicles as a urinary gland. and "segregation" to mean "dismemberment"
 * Fainting - one of the shamen [sic] faints for no reason, Carthena passes out quite a few times, but Grignr--despite losing a bathtub's-worth of blood and not eating for days on end--never faints.
 * Fat Bastard - Agaphim.
 * Fate Worse Than Death - Agafnd persuades Agaphim that sentencing Grignr to a life of slave labor would be more of a punishment than being tortured to death.

""Cocking her right foot backwards, she leashed it desperately outwards with the strength of a demon possessed, lodging her sandled foot squarely between the shaman's testicles.""
 * Fiery Redhead - Grignr.
 * Gorn - Grignr takes a quarter of a chapter to rip a rat in half, and no grody detail is spared.
 * Green Eyed Red Head - Grignr.
 * Groin Attack

"Grignr: My people are not tarnished by petty luxuries and baubles. They remain fierce and unconquerable in their native climes."
 * Heroes Want Redheads - Grignr falls for Carthena.
 * Hooker with a Heart of Gold - Carthena turns out to be the prostitute who serviced at the start of the story.
 * Human Sacrifice - Grignr rescues Carthena from this fate.
 * I Have You Now, My Pretty - Carthena in the hands of the head shaman.
 * Improvised Weapon - Grignr stabs a guard with the sharpened pelvic bone of a rat.
 * Low Fantasy
 * Moral Dissonance - Grignr and Carthena both exhibit this in spades.
 * Noble Savage - Gringr claims to be one, although by this point in the story he's gone out of his way to steal a petty bauble.

""Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier."
 * No Ending - The most widely-circulated copy of the story ends abruptly during Grignr's final battle. Some people continue to believe that this is how the original version actually ended.
 * Produce Pelting - Agaphim is "often assaulted by hurtling stones and rotting fruits" when he leaves his palace.
 * Purple Prose, Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness, and Delusions of Eloquence - At least the title is concise and looks like a normal title. The very first sentence is where things get fun.
 * ...Apart from the use of the name of a fairly well-known gas.
 * Redheaded Hero - Grignr.
 * Religion of Evil - The worshippers of Argon.
 * Rodents of Unusual Size
 * Rouge Angles of Satin - The original version had some atrocious spelling, although less faithful transcriptions sometimes correct these.
 * Said Bookism - So very, very, very much.
 * Sick Sad World
 * The Stoner - The illustration on Page 32 of the facsimile (presumably of Agaphim the evil prince) shows him smoking something that looks like a joint.
 * Talking Is a Free Action

"The vile stench of the Shaman's hot fetid breath over came the nauseated female with a deep soul searing sickness, causing her to wrench her head backwards and regurgitate a slimy, orangewhite stream of swelling gore over the richly woven purple robe of the enthused acolyte."
 * Thong of Shielding - Grignr wears a G-string. How it manages to have folds is anyone's guess.
 * Thud and Blunder - An example of the depths that this subgenre can sink to.
 * Title Drop - at the end of chapter 3½.
 * Unexplained Recovery - Counselor Agafnd dies twice.
 * The Unpronounceable - You try pronouncing "Grignr", "Agafnd" or "Mrifk".
 * This gets particularly amusing when already consonant-heavy words lose their few vowels through typos - the aforementioned Agafnd becomes "Agfnd" at one point. One gets the impression that the author has an irrational dislike of vowels.
 * Unusual Chapter Numbers - There are a two fractional chapters; Chapters 3½ and 7½.
 * Unusual Euphemism - "Mrifk". In addition, while "slut" is a real word, using it as an insult against men is somewhat antiquated.
 * Vampiric Draining - The blob at the end sucks blood like a leech.
 * Vomit Indiscretion Shot -

""A flying foot caught the mug Grignr had taken hold of, sending its blood red contents sloshing over a flickering crescent; leashing tongues of bright orange flame to the foot trodden floor.""
 * Wanton Cruelty to the Common Comma
 * What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome? - The following describes Grignr's wine being kicked over:


 * He also spends about six long sentences describing a guy falling over after being kicked in the crotch.
 * Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe - "sayeth the king" would be correct, except that it's the wrong tense.
 * Carthena starts out talking this way, and Grignr does too shortly thereafter, when up till that point he only talked in vulgarities.
 * You Keep Using That Word - Many instances: Gringr is constantly described as wearing a g-string, with folds; one character speaks "bustily", another's nose is both "lithe" and "opaque".
 * You Talk Too Much - Grignr doesn't say this to Carthena, but he thinks it--even though she doesn't seem to be any more talkative than he is.

Adam Cadre's Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan-MSTing presentation has examples of:
"Agaphim: The prince would surely have submitted them to the most ghastly of tortures-- Crow: Insert joke about having to read THE EYE OF ARGON here."
 * Fate Worse Than Death - The straight lines from the original story is not left un-riffed. It happens so frequently it's lampshaded.

"Theis: The paunchy noble's sagging round face flushed suddenly pale,... Crow: It flushed pale? Did it blanch red after that? Theis: ... then pastily lit up to a lustrous cherry red radiance. Crow: Hold me."
 * Heroic BSOD - The abrupt, non-existent ending leaves Crow utterly broken, and the others are forced to leave him behind in the theater. Fortunately, he recovers.
 * Magic: The Gathering - "Tor Giant?"
 * MST - One of the classics, written by Adam Cadre in 1996.

"Story: "[some bit of Purple Prose, such as 'crimson droplets of escaping life fluid']" Crow: "You mean [the normal word, such as 'blood']?" Mike: "Let's not jump to conclusions.""
 * Running Gag -

"Crow: "A slut? Where?""
 * And anytime the word "slut" is used:

"Story: "[Something about a mount]" Mike: Vesuvius! [a different mountain each time]"
 * And the first few times Grignr's name is mentioned, Tom remarks on the absurdity of his name ("I'd like to buy a vowel!"). Then the others persuade him he's getting tiresome, and he stops.
 * And, also:

"Story: "...[adjective] gore..." Mike: "Albert's cousin from [American state].""
 * And also...

"Story: Groped/groping... Tom: --a 17-year-old Senate page."
 * This message brought to you by the Booze Council.
 * Later replaced by the Death Council.
 * And also also...

"Mike: Never say [word used in previous extract] again."
 * There are also repeated references to Clarence Thomas.
 * And more also...

"Story: [Grignr displaying some character trait, e.g. logic, wisdom, deep psychological insight] Mike: When I think of [character trait], I think of three names: [two noted names in the field of said trait], Grignr."
 * And more also...


 * "You tell me, you're the writer!"
 * Tarot Troubles - Tom Servo is reading Crow's future with a pack of Tarot cards he found somewhere. Poor Crow gets nine Deaths and a Tor Giant.