Talk Nerdy to Me

It is audit time in Ankh-Morpork. Mr. Drumknott, head Clerk of the Patrician's Palace, is about to receive the most challenging assignment of his career, one hand-picked for him and him alone, based on his dedication, his skill, and his tenacity. This assignment has been the downfall of many Clerks before him, who have resorted to everything from madness to monasticism in order to cope with the mind-shattering complexity of this mission, leaving Drumknott as the last possible line of defense against unbalanced financial records.

He is being assigned to audit the Guild of Seamstresses.

Good luck, Mr. Drumknott. We're all counting on you.

This fanfic can be read on AdultFanFiction.net here. Rather NSFW. -


 * All Men Are Perverts: Drumknott does his level best to avert this trope.
 * Double Entendre: Vetinari lets loose a very casual tsunami of these when Drumknott gets back.
 * Heroes Want Redheads: Candy.
 * Heroic Willpower: Okay, he has a hot Seamstress in a short skirt sitting on his lap heavily flirting with him in an effort to distract him from his task at hand, but Drumknott has never, ever left an audit unfinished.
 * A Man Is Not a Virgin: Well, he'd read a lot of books on the topic, many of them illustrated.
 * Mythology Gag: There will be sonkies...
 * Nerds Are Virgins: He has detailed files, though.
 * Shout-Out: At one point, Drumknott is reminded of a poem waxing metaphoric regarding the breasts of the poet's girlfriend. It has a real-life counterpart, "Upon the Nipples of Julia's Breasts".
 * Scary Shiny Glasses
 * Stripperiffic: The suit worn by Candy, the Seamstresses' bookkeeper.
 * Will They or Won't They?: Of course they will.