Bears are Bad News/Quotes

"And, ladies and gentlemen, the number one threat to America... BEARS!"

- Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

"That's a scary-ass bear! That's, like, a Jaws-sized bear! That's not even a bear. That's like a monster bear. What the fuck..."

- Nick and Brad from 4 Player Podcast, "Holy Crap That's a Bear!" upon seeing The Bear from Condemned 2 for the first time.

"Don't try to outrun one of Dominaria's Grizzlies; it'll catch you, knock you down, and eat you. Of course, you could run up a tree. In that case you'll get a nice view before it knocks down the tree and eats you."

- Flavour Text for the Magic: The Gathering card Grizzly Bears; and they're pretty mediocre, as bears go

"Spike: A bear! You made a bear! Buffy: I didn't mean to! Spike: Undo it! Undo it!"

- Buffy the Vampire Slayer

""The thing about a bear", his father had always said, "is that it can move as silently as breath. It could be watching you from ten paces away and you'd never know. Against a bear you have no defenses. You can't run faster. You can't climb higher. You can't fight it on your own. All you can do is learn its ways, and try to persuade it that you're neither threat nor prey.""

- Wolf Brother

"You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy."

- Brian Fantana, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

"> > > > > > > FUCKING BEARSTOP."

- /v/'s most common variation of the FUCKING GAMESTOP meme.

"No Andalite accustomed to our more pacific animal life could possibly understand what a grizzly bear charge means. Even most humans would fail to imagine it. Grizzly bears are not lithe and graceful like the big cats. They are more like dogs. They move with a rolling, lopsided gait that at first seems almost tentative, as if they might stop at any moment. But then you begin to realize how large they are. And you begin to realize that, awkward or not, they are very fast. And you begin to realize that you are puny, pathetic, weak and insignificant. You begin to realize that this bear, this rolling, shaggy, unstoppable monster, can kill you from the mere impact of his shoulder hitting you."

- Ax on Rachel's favourite combat morph, Animorphs, 'The Experiment'

"Bears, beets. . . Battlestar Galactica."

- Jim Halpert's imitation of Dwight, The Office

"Being a gigantic bear is nature's way of saying, 'Fuck off!'"

- Cracked, "7 Superpowered Animal Senses You Won't Believe Are Possible"

"Kathleen: “I just have this completely rational fear of bears.” Gramm: “Explain.” Kathleen: “Well, let’s see. Why don’t I list off everything that makes me afraid of bears, and we’ll take off anything that seems unreasonable. Bears are very large, they have giant teeth and claws, they have been known to maul humans, they can crush a human skull in their jaws, and if they can be taught to dance, I’m pretty sure they can be taught to do kung-fu, and that would fuck you up.”"

- Loading Ready Run, from the episode OMG! Bears!

"Battle bears? B E A R S?"

- George Takei, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 outtakes, has the idea of the War Bear explained to him.

"Bears are crazy, Willie. They'll bite your head if you're wearing steak on it."

- Space Ghost, Space Ghost Coast to Coast

"Bear? Is the bear back? We've already lost one intern!"

- Bridgette, Total Drama World Tour, "Aftermath Aftermayhem"

"Hobo: Well Abby, can I tell you something about bears? Abby: Sure. Hobo: The bear is a solitary animal. They like their space. They live in a magic circle. They don't mind if you're like a mile away, but if you get inside their circle, they will maul you. If a bear's claw would ever strike your face, it would take your whole face right off your skull... your eyes, your nose, your lips, everything. Abby: Wow. Didn't know bears could be so vicious."

- Hobo with a Shotgun

"He's like a bear! He's like a big shaved bear that hates people!"

- The Scout, describing the Heavy

"Acid was always my favorite drug. When we would do acid, we'd go out into the woods, because there was less chance of running into an authority figure - but we ran into a bear, and that was an even bigger buzzkill..."

- Mitch Hedberg

"Exit, Pursued by a Bear."

- The most famous piece of stage direction ever, from William Shakespeare's The Winters Tale

""Number one, it's a bear. Number two, it's a bear. Number three, and probably most important... HOLY SHIT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! IT'S A GODDAMNED BEAR!""

- Nash, pointing out the flaws in a man's crazed attempt to murder his ex-girlfriend.

"Corbettite Monk: Yeah! This thing'll knock down a stone wall! (shoots a burning stream from coal-hucker at an army of bear constructs with big poleaxes) Man in a hat: You from the city, brother? Corbettite Monk: What? Why? Man in a hat: Friend, those are bears. Throwing rocks at 'em? You're just gonna get 'em mad. Bears: MAAAUUUL! Corbettite Monk: But... But I threw the rocks really hard! Man in a hat: I can tell. Now they're really mad."

- Girl Genius Act 2 Vol. 1 Page 071

"Augh! Get off me! Swarmy, fuzzy creatures! Get them off me! Off! Off! Stop it! You… you have no metal! …now I really am leaving! RHAAAGH! What—I can't—?! How is this possible? You are mere flesh! You cannot be this strong! How dare you?!"

- The Beast, upon a very close acquaintance with the same bears

"Don't mind me, ladies and gentlemen. Just a Murder Bear with a panzer tank. This is perfectly normal."

- The Spiffing Brit