The Comedy of Romeo and Juliet

Exactly What It Says On the Tin. William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet rewritten as a comedy, the first in a series of retooled Shakespeare plays by Shrikecatcher.

Can be read here

Tropes
""Alas, my liege," Montague wept. "My wife is dead tonight."
 * Anachronism Stew: Used deliberately per Rule of Funny.
 * Ass Shove: Friar Lawrence pulls a shotgun out of his ass and kills Balthasar with it in the last act simply because the latter proves more entertaining than him.
 * Betty and Veronica: Or Paris and Romeo, in this case.
 * Bile Fascination: Subverted in-universe with Capulet; he considers flops like Gigli, Kangaroo Jack and Epic Movie to be cinematic classics. Everyone else knows better.
 * Bloody Hilarious
 * Breaking the Fourth Wall
 * Brick Joke
 * Bus Crash: Lady Montague.

Nearby, someone on the drums made a Rimshot and cymbal crash."

""Who are you supposed to be?" [the security guard] asked Mercutio. "Donald Duck?"
 * Captain Ersatz: No, Mercutio isn't dressed as Donald Duck for the costume party, what are you talking about?

"Of course not, good fellow," Mercutio laughed. "I don't want to be sued."

"Walt is inside, he'll be the judge of that." He opened the front door for Mercutio, and through it we all saw the partygoers going at it at the party.

"Uh-oh," Mercutio said, which wasn't as incriminating as it sounded."

"Now That's What I Call Foreshadowing! Featuring music by Eiffel 65, BBMak, and Macy Gray! Wait, what do you mean it's not 2000 anymore?"
 * Catch Phrase
 * Chekhov's Gunman: Balthasar.
 * Curse Cut Short: Until the last act, nobody can say the f-word because it always ends up getting drowned out by loud noises.
 * Death By Despair: Lady Montague.
 * The Ditz: Juliet.
 * Driven to Suicide: Romeo and Juliet, of course.
 * Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": The Prince and the Nurse.
 * Faux Death: Juliet.
 * Feathered Fiend: A gull flies through the roof and attempts a Groin Attack on a post-coital Romeo because he doesn't like birds.
 * First-Person Smartass: Benvolio, our narrator.
 * Foreshadowing: Lampshaded, of course.

"Really, you can go up to your friends right now and call them all "whoresons," and no harm will be done."
 * Footnote Fever: Act III, Scene iii:
 * And Act IV, Scene iv:

"By the way, grammar Nazis, there's a double negative mocking you ruthlessly at the beginning of this paragraph."
 * Foregone Conclusion: Romeo and Juliet are going to die.
 * Funny Afro: Benvolio, and also Tybalt, who are rivals in this regard.
 * Garbage: At the costume party, they (dressed as The Cheetah Girls) perform their hit "#1 Crush" (from William Shakespeares Romeo and Juliet).
 * The Ghost: Rosaline.
 * Grammar Nazi: Invoked.

"We were par-taying at the par-tay, almost to the point of adding a second hyphen, when we bumped into a drunk Master Capulet."
 * Groin Attack
 * Have a Gay Old Time: The use of the word "ho" is exploited for all its worth.
 * Hilariously Abusive Childhood
 * Hope Spot: While Romeo is visiting her tomb, Juliet sneezes every so often, indicating life, but of course he doesn't notice.
 * The Immodest Orgasm: While Juliet is getting it on with Romeo upstairs, Capulet, his wife and Paris think that's the sound of her weeping over Tybalt's death.
 * Impaled With Extreme Prejudice: After Mercutio reveals he is gay (and dies), a furious Romeo impales Tybalt on his motorcycle and twists his innards around the blade before decapitating him. And then Romeo slices the head in two. By using it as a baseball and the sword as a bat.
 * It Is Pronounced Tro PAY: The costume party is referred to as a par-tay.

"Paris (reacting to Juliet's apparent death): "What do we do with her body?"
 * Lampshade Hanging
 * Major Injury Underreaction: Mercutio after having his arm cut off by Tybalt.
 * Masquerade Ball: And at this costume party, everyone is dressed up as something else.
 * The More You Know: A Running Gag, combined with Captain Obvious.
 * Of Corset Hurts: The outfit the Nurse dresses Juliet in after Lady Capulet barges in post wedding-consummation. Played for Laughs.
 * Off With His Head: Poor Tybalt.
 * Only a Flesh Wound
 * A Plague On Both Your Houses: Obviously.
 * Plucky Girl: Juliet.
 * Poor Communication Kills
 * Precision F-Strike: Lampshaded; we're only allowed two f-bombs in this story.
 * Rapid-Fire Comedy
 * Refuge in Audacity
 * Romantic False Lead : Paris.
 * Rule of Funny
 * Running Gag: Tons.
 * Secret Relationship
 * Selective Obliviousness: Pretty much everyone.
 * Serial Romeo
 * Serious Business
 * Sassy Black Woman: The Nurse.
 * Shout-Out: You'll find them aplenty.
 * Sophisticated As Hell: Dialogue alternates between the original Shakespearean and more modern conversation.
 * Soul Brotha: Friar Lawrence.
 * Special Effect Failure: In-universe, when the tomb explodes in the last act, the resulting mushroom cloud is only medium-sized because the budget is running low.
 * Spice Girls: They make a cameo in Act IV while the Capulets are preparing for the wedding.

Spice Girls: "Slam her body down and wind it all around!"

Capulet: "Are they licensed medical practitioners?""


 * Star-Crossed Lovers
 * The Stoner: Friar Lawrence.
 * Stop Being Stereotypical: Lady Capulet's reaction to the Nurse, and later, Romeo to Friar Lawrence.
 * Suddenly Sexuality: Mercutio unceremoniously reveals that he is gay after having his arm lopped off by Tybalt and dying in Romeo's arms. Romeo's actually fine with this, until Mercutio reminds him that this is fourteenth-century Europe. The Values Dissonance sets in, and Romeo delivers the killing blows.
 * Tag-Team Suicide
 * There Is No Kill Like Overkill: Any of the deaths, really.
 * This Is for Emphasis, Bitch: The Nurse, and to a lesser extent, Friar Lawrence.
 * Those Two Guys: Two stoner teenagers who hang out and get high with Friar Lawrence at the church.
 * Together in Death: Romeo and Juliet.
 * Too Dumb to Live: Everybody.
 * Unwitting Instigator of Doom: Balthasar.
 * Where Da White Women At?: Friar Lawrence.