Iron Druid Chronicles/Funny

Hounded


 * Atticus Ponders what would happen if a modern college student came home and found an uninvited woman in their kitchen trying to make a strawberry smoothie, his prediction is probably accurate

"imaginary college student: "Yo, Bitch,The fuck you doin with my Strawberries!""

and those would be their last words because the guest was the celtic goddess of the hunt.

"Mc Donough: A friend will help you move, but a real friend will help you move a body!"
 * The widow Mc Donough's reaction to Atticus murdering Bres on her front lawn.

Hexed

Atticus Commenting on demon BO

"Demons Stink like ass- nasty ass that slithers down your throat, finds your gag reflex and sits on it with authority"


 * Atticus and Leif are on the porch discussing how Leif's use of outdated grammar made him sound like a "creepy bastard". a Half an hour later after he has finished killing a demon on his front lawn,and his Peeping Tom neighbor walks up to him incredulously and says "your a real creepy bastard O'Sullivan!" he then asks "what are you?" to which Atticus cheerfully responds Why, I'm the Antichrist! The neighbor faints, which is strange because he is Muslim not christian.

When asked by the elemental how he will get rid of the demon's desolved corpse, he asks the elemental to liquify the remains in an earthen keg, so he can give it to a bunch of ghouls because, and I quote, "demon juice is like jaegermister to them"! I crack up every time.

When Atticus gets part of his ear torn off in the climax of Hounded, he gets it repaired by having sex with the Morrigan, who is "rough" in bed. Later on he gets his ear shot off again by a witch and Screams:

"Atticus: The Gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! GAAAAHHHHH (charges into battle)"

During the battle with the german witches, a demon ram pins Atticus to the ground, and happens to be the son of a demon who was killed by Atticus in the Battle at Tony Cabin: "Demon: You killed my father, Prepare to Die! Atticus: Inigo Montoya? Is that you?"

Hammered


 * Atticus about Mag Mell ale

"That’s right, there’s free beer in Irish paradise. Everyone’s jealous."


 * Oberon and his Holy Grail of all coffee drinks

"“Out of the steam and the foam and the froth, a man in white with poor eyesight will craft a liquid paradox, and it shall be called the Triple Nonfat Double Bacon Five-Cheese Mocha!”"


 * Oberon and his reasons to be satisfied

""Anyplace is good so long as there’s sausage and bitches.""


 * Atticus shifting between a Shakespeare quote duel and Lolcats.
 * The 'evil Santa' description.
 * When Atticus and the gang first meet Hrym.