Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

"The Power of Christ impales you! "

- Tagline

"So... yeah. This is pretty much the best movie of all time."

- A YouTube commenter

A delightfully schlock-filled B-movie from Canada, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is pretty much exactly what it sounds like it would be about - Jesus Christ has returned, and he's fighting vampires.

Okay, a little more explanation, because we care.

For reasons unknown to anyone in the Catholic Church, there have been a rash of attacks on lesbians by vampires, and to make matters worse, they're now immune to sunlight (the vampires, not the lesbians). There can be only one solution - to get Jesus from his hiding place, and take on the vampires, including the lesbians they've turned into more vampires. Along the way, he'll have to enlist the help of Mexican wrestler El Santo, "Apostle to the Apostles" Mary Magnum, and... learn to do a snazzy musical number?

"Praetorius: How can you be here? I thought you were at the junkyard!
 * Anti-Villain / Harmless Villain: the thrift store clerk is working with the vampires but is fairly harmless and for the most part fairly lazy about his villany.
 * Christianity Is Catholic - When Jesus shows up to help Christians fight vampires, guess which denomination he shows up among? That said, it is one swingin' Catholic Church.
 * Of course, Catholicism is your go-to anti-vampire denomination.
 * Protestants beg to differ.
 * Clown Car Base - How many atheists fit into a single car?
 * Lampshade Hanging applied: When the second wave attacks, Jesus throws his hands up in confusion.
 * Coconut Superpowers - The makers of this low-budget film had a problem: Vampire films necessitate a lot of nighttime scenes, which means nighttime shooting, which means a lot of expensive lights, power concerns, fire hazards, etc. How to get around this problem? Make the movie about vampires gaining the ability to walk in daylight. Suddenly, a budget constraint becomes a story element!
 * Deus Ex Machina - Obviously. Reaches its logical conclusion when Jesus is off fighting vampires, Dr. Praetorius is watching it on TV, and suddenly, Jesus burst into the room...

Jesus: I'm EVERYWHERE!"


 * Double Standard:
 * Elite Mooks: The atheists have them.
 * Exactly What It Says On the Tin
 * Expository Theme Tune - the closing theme, "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight".
 * Face Heel Turn -.
 * To a certain extent Maxine Shrek and Johnny Golgotha  count as well, as Father Eustace mentions that both were do-gooders heavily involved in the Catholic Church before they were turned into vampires.
 * Flat Earth Atheist - a couple dozen, who all attack Jesus for no particular reason.
 * Giant Space Flea From Nowhere - the atheists, as above, pouring out of an impossibly small car circus clown style.
 * Groin Attack - On Jesus.
 * Homage - Maxine Schreck is named after the leading actor in Nosferatu, Max Schreck. Dr. Praetorius is named for a character in Bride of Frankenstein. Santos is based on the legendary Mexican masked wrestler Rodolfo "El Santo, The Silver Masked Man" Guzmán Huerta, who you may recall from the MST3K treatment of "Samson vs. the Vampire Women"
 * Important Haircut - Jesus starts looking like depicted most often nowadays, with hippie hair, but that changes.
 * Improbable Weapon User - Jesus manages to fight off vampires with bad breath - justified, in that he specifically ate a sandwich with extra garlic sauce. Also, Dr. Praetorius fights with somebody's organs.
 * Jesus Was Way Cool - And totally cool about gay people.
 * Kung Fu Jesus
 * Last Second Chance - Jesus allows Dr. Praetorius one of these, because "Not even this separates you from My Love!" Praetorius doesn't take it.
 * Left for Dead
 * Lesbian Vampire - justified, as lesbians are marginalized by society and thus easier prey.
 * Made of Plasticine - the vampires are extremely easy to stake. Johnny Vegas gets a few kills in with some darts, and our Lord and Saviour uses toothpicks.
 * Male Gaze - Especially aimed at Mary Magnum, and especially during the air-duct scene.
 * Masked Luchador - El Santos, Captain Ersatz to legendary Mexican luchador El Santo.
 * Mask Power - El Santos is able to cure vampirism with a mask (well, and Jesus' help).
 * Mook Chivalry
 * The Musical
 * Names to Run Away From Really Fast - Johnny Golgotha, Maxine Shreck.
 * Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot
 * No One Could Survive That - To be fair, Jesus has a track record of prevailing even when being killed.
 * Off-the-Shelf FX
 * Our Vampires Are Different - Specifically, they can walk around in daylight because they're wearing the skin of virgin women.
 * Quote Swear Unquote: "The power of Christ compels you, bitch!" from The Exorcist.
 * Retraux - Although certain things (such as cell phones and the date on the clothing store) make it clear that it was supposed to be set in what was then the present day (2001), the whole movie gives off a distinct '70s vibe.
 * Second Coming
 * Shout-Out - The Virgin Mary says, about lesbians, "Oh, God loves them. They get so much done in a day, don't you think?" This is a paraphrase of a line from a The Kids in The Hall sketch.
 * Spy Catsuit - Mary.
 * This Is for Emphasis, Bitch
 * Vampire Hunter
 * Wholesome Crossdresser - in a pretty clear Good Samaritan recreation.
 * Worst News Judgment Ever - "CRITICAL LESBIAN SHORTAGE" (Fringe festival threatened!)
 * You Don't Look Like You - About a few minutes into the movie, Jesus stops looking like Jesus. He gets haircut, gets a shave, and get his ears pierced for apparently no reason. Then slightly later, he stops wearing his robe and pretty much becomes the actor playing Jesus, but with super powers.