Deadpan Snarker/Literature/Harry Potter

Ron and Snape are the two primary outlets of sarcasm and snarkery in the series. A few gems from them: "Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster! Ron: Kill us faster? Oh, now I can relax!"

"Hermione: I know what this is-it's devil's snare! Ron: Great, we know what it's name is. That's a huge help."
 * But this is only in the movie. In the book, it goes like this:

"Professor Trelawney: Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb? Ron (whispering to Harry): I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight."
 * Another:

"Hermione: Look, if I picked up a sword right now, Ron, and ran you through with it, I wouldn't damage your soul at all. Ron: Which would be a real comfort to me, I'm sure."
 * Another:

"Hermione: Everyone knows. Well, everyone who has read Hogwarts: A History. Ron Just you, then."
 * Also:

Snape's response to when : "Snape: (voice heavy with irony) "Would you like me to do it now? Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?""

"What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter? Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade."
 * Or this burn on Harry from Prisoner of Azkaban, after Malfoy saw Harry's head sticking out of the Invisibility Cloak in Hogsmeade:

"Snape: Miss Granger has developed a taste for famous wizards which Potter alone cannot... satisfy."
 * Goblet of Fire has the scene where he read the "Witch Weekly" article about how Hermione was supposedly cheating on Harry with Viktor Krum. Snape, saying the following:

"Snape: Oh, very good. (interrupted Snape, his lip curling.) Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. 'Ghosts are transparent.'"
 * Snape's response to Harry about ghosts:

"Snape: Your evidence? Harry: I just know. Snape: You just... know. [long pause] Once again, you astonish me with your gifts, Potter, gifts mere mortals can only dream of possessing. How grand it must be... to be The Chosen One."
 * This moment in the sixth film when Harry accuses Malfoy of cursing Katie Bell:

And we can't forget the troublemaking twins! "1st Weasley Twin: Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea. 2nd Weasley Twin: Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once - 1st Weasley Twin: Or twice - 2nd Weasley Twin: A minute - 1st Weasley Twin: All summer - While planning to move Harry from the Dursleys: Moody: Arthur and Fred – Twin: I’m George. Can’t you even tell us apart when we’re Harry? Moody Sorry, George – Fred: I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really – Moody: (Angrily) Enough messing around!"

"Mrs. Weasley: Oh, that's wonderful! That's everyone in the family! George: What are we? Next door neighbors?"
 * Can't forget the twins' Crowning Moment of Funny when Mrs. Weasley freaks out about Ron being a prefect:

Though quite rare, Harry himself has his moments of cold, literalist sarcasm. From the fifth book: "Draco: You're dead, Potter. Harry: Funny, you'd think I'd have stopped walking around..."

"Draco: You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments. Harry: Yeah, but you, unlike me, are a git."
 * Also from the fifth book:

"Harry: Yes. Snape: Yes sir. Harry: There's no need to call me sir, Professor."
 * Harry has this Crowning Moment of Snark in the sixth book:

"Dudley: They flush people's heads down the toilet first day at Stonewall. Want to practice? Harry: No thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head in it; it might be sick."
 * But perhaps Harry's Crowning Moment of Snark comes from Philosopher's Stone:

"Dudley: I know what day it is. Harry: Well done. You've finally learned the days of the week."
 * In Chamber of Secrets, on Harry's birthday:

Voldemort gets some pretty decent snarks in as well. "Voldemort: Wormtail, I need someone with brains, someone whose loyalty has never wavered and you unfortunately fulfill neither requirement. Voldemort: I'm going to sit here and watch you die. Take your time Potter, I'm in no hurry."

And don't let's forget Draco's dad, Lucius: "Hagrid: What're you doin' here? Get outta my house! Lucius: My dear man, please believe me, I have no pleasure at all in being inside your- er- d'you call this a house?"

Minor Posthumous Character Phineas Nigellus Black outdoes everyone in this department, despite his relatively small role. "Harry: Don't call Hermione 'simple'! Phineas Nigellus Black: (sighs) I grow weary of contradiction."

Minerva McGonagall comes up with some great quips. One of the best comes from Book 3, when Trelawney brings up the old wive's tale that when 13 sit down for dinner, the first to rise shall be the first to die. Later, when Ron and Harry get up to leave, Trelawney demands to know which of them got up first. Cue: "McGonagall: I hardly think that matters, Sybil, unless there is a mad axeman waiting outside the hall to decapitate the first person to leave."

"McGonagall: You look perfectly healthy to me, Potter, so you'll forgive me if I don't let you off homework. I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in."
 * After finding out that Trelawney has predicted Harry's death:

"McGonagall: Well, I'm glad that you listen to Hermione Granger, at any rate."
 * And:

"McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time."
 * And one more:

"Umbridge: I was just wondering, Professor, whether you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspec— McGonagall Obviously I received it, or I would have asked you what you are doing in my classroom."
 * Some great ones from Order of the Phoenix:

Also: "McGonagall: Potter has achieved high marks in all his Defense Against the Dark Arts tests- Umbridge: I’m terribly sorry to have to contradict you, Minerva, but as you will see from my note, Harry has been achieving very poor results in his classes with me. McGonagall: I should have made my meaning plainer. He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher."

""Book Six is called The Toenail of Icklibõgg -- Well, if you believed the '[Pillar of] Storgé' one...""
 * J. K. Rowling herself, especially when responding to some of the more bizarre speculation about the books or her personal life:


 * She later admitted she made up the "Toenail of Icklibõgg" rumor (the "Pillar of Storgé" one, however? 100% real ).
 * Responding on her website to whether the seventh book would be called "Harry Potter and the Pyramids of Furmat", Rowling wrote "The Pyramids of Furmat lie a few miles east of the famous Fortress of Shadows, not far from the magnificent Pillar of Storgé. Many tourists prefer to view these ancient monuments at night, when they are illuminated by the Green Flame Torch." (Those are all previously rumored titles.)
 * She said that she might name the seventh book Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackeldirk. Yes, there were some people, as indicated by Mugglenet's Hall of Shame, who actually took that seriously and thought it would be the title. Ouch.
 * Rowling's first husband apparently once claimed that he had helped her with the first Potter book. Her reply was "He had as much input into Harry Potter as I had in A Tale of Two Cities."
 * "I've already answered this in FAQs, but as this rumour is still cropping up in fan letters I thought I'd reiterate here that there will be NO chapter called 'Lupin's Papers' in book six, nor will there be chapters entitled 'Pettigrew's Pamphlets', 'Sirius's Circulars' or 'The Pocket Crosswords of Severus Snape'."
 * When fans started speculating there would be a character named Icicle in the sixth book (based on a misheard interview), Rowling said "There is no character named 'Icicle' in Book Six. There is however, a Professor Bicycle."

"Scrimgeour (scratching his badly shaven cheek and scrutinizing Harry): Why do you think - Harry (struggling to keep his temper): - Dumbledore would have given me the sword? ...Maybe he thought it would look nice on my wall. Scrimgeour: This is not a joke, Potter! ...Did he give you that sword, Potter, because he believed, as do many, that you are the one destined to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?
 * A veritable storm of snark in the chapter in Deathly Hallows.

Harry: Interesting theory. Has anyone ever tried sticking a sword in Voldemort? Maybe the Ministry should put some people onto that, instead of wasting their time stripping down Deluminators or covering up breakouts from Azkaban..."


 * Hilarious in Hindsight because Scrimgeour and Harry both ended up being right.