Grand Unifying Guesses/Assassin's Creed

Every person who ever died in any work of fiction, ever, was killed by Altaïr. Except the ones who were underwater at the time. They were pushed in by him.
Think about it. The health bar for Assassin's Creed is based on how close Desmond is acting to Altaïr historically. Every time you get hit by guards, you become less "synchronised" to Altaïr. This happens every time Altaïr gets hit, not to mention every time Altaïr is seen by a guard. Since the historical Altaïr would, by the Animus' judging, act identically to himself (obviously), his synchronisation would be perfect all the time. But since your health bar goes down whenever Altaïr gets hit, and Altaïr would be perfectly synched with himself, the historical Altaïr must have never been hit or seen by a guard, which means that Altaïr is the greatest assassin in history. It's also fairly obvious that he can move outside the natural laws of reality; how many times has he been able to listen to the monologues of dying templars? Since you get less synchronized and reboot when in water it is also obvious Altaïr never ever went swimming; he probably pushed them in and let them drown (or sabotaged their equipment).
 * This proves that the Final Destination movies are what happens when Altaïr gets bored.
 * What about all the fictional characters who were clearly killed by other people?
 * It only looked like they were killed by other people. Remember, the real Altaïr would never have been seen or detected in any way, so not only we the viewers would be fooled, so would the person who "did the killing" and the person who died.
 * So Han didn't shoot first after all!
 * Oh, he shot first. It's just that Altaïr killed Greedo before Han's shot got in.
 * Wait! Would this not mean that Altaïr personally killed every man on the Death Star within the single instant it took to blow up?
 * No, Luke only thought he was the one that made it blow up, Altaïr had already planted a bomb on the core to take it out and Luke just had the luck to fire his torpedo around the same time Altaïr had rigged the bomb to explode.
 * This also means the Mr Teatime and The Saint of Killers are really Altaïr, among others. I guess that means Altaïr is a Time Lord, too.
 * Possibly, although it's also possible that they are alternate versions of Altaïr, which the Altaïr we know killed. This would mean that Altaïr is The One.
 * What about all the people who were killed with Death Notes?
 * Writing down the cause of death does not determine how a victim dies, it just tells Altaïr what to make it look like.
 * So Deathnotes are actually just Altaïr's hitlists?
 * Here, I'll just write "Altaïr. Accident. Attempts to kill the person writing this, and accidentally knifes himself in the face". Let's see if it causes a Divide By Zero.
 * "Alta- *HURK*" *Death*
 * Altaïr/ divided by zero equals Altaïr killing every mathematician in the world, and rewriting the rules...
 * If both Death Note deaths and "normal" deaths are really caused by Altaïr then what significance does a human's natural lifespan have?
 * A natural lifespan is how long Altaïr's masters (whoever that may be) let you live. Hence: 'only the good die young.'
 * So, are the G-Man and him allies?
 * Therefore humans would have extremely long life spans if it wasn't for Altaïr.
 * The point humans stopped having 400 year life spans in the bible was when Altaïr was created.
 * Related: The Death Notes are Pieces of Eden, which means the Shinigami are the first Humans, and...I dunno, L's a Templar?
 * Well, he does want to create peace at the cost of free will.
 * What about the people Kratos killed?
 * Altaïr got there first, utilizing the shadow of Kratos's weapons (or Kratos himself) as cover.
 * Or maybe he hid under Kratos' preposterous jawline.
 * Also, what about all the times where the reason nobody saw Altaïr is because Altaïr wasn't there?
 * Altaïr is never 'not there'. Altaïr has encoded himself into the cosmic microwave background of the universe.
 * You mean to say that it wasn't the Ninth Doctor who supposedly wiped out both the Time Lords and the Daleks, but Altaïr? Using some totally sweet Arabian Ninja time travel magic?
 * Well, as noted above, Altaïr is also a Time Lord, so it's not too surprising that he's got access to time-traveling technology.
 * One of the Pieces of Eden controlles time, so Altaïr is a Time Lord in canon. 'Nuff said.
 * Wait, that means that Altaïr threw the spear that killed Wash!
 * And Book only thought he was shooting down the ship that killed Haven. In reality, Altaïr pinned the blame on the Alliance by killing everyone on that ship, and crashing it by Haven right after he killed everyone there.
 * Alternatively, Altaïr only killed the people who stayed dead after all it seems odd that the world's greatest assassin could be foiled by a phoenix down.
 * Death probably retroactively hired Altaïr after the Dr. McNinja fiasco. Only time will tell if The Doctor can do the impossible (keeping in mind Kamina himself failed at this task.)
 * Pfeh. Altaïr is in league with the McNinjas. Anyone who beats Death earns A-man's grudging respect.
 * Ahem. McNinjas = Assassins. They were on the same team all along.
 * So that means Sephiroth hired Altaïr to kill Aerith, and after she died, she hired Altaïr do kill Sephiroth?
 * It's interesting to note that since nobody stays dead in comics, they must come back to life and usually do so as themselves rather than regenerating (even if they are Time Lords). Thus, the only conclusive death we have is Uncle Ben's; Altaïr must be keeping him in an unescapable prison. Possibly he's stuck in the barriers of reality, and is punching them?
 * It's also quite possible that the reason Wolverine never stays dead is because the archangel he fights to come back to life is actually Altaïr and, assassin nonpareil though he is, Altaïr isn't the best of fighters.
 * Also because his voice-actor means that Wolverine is Jesus.
 * Maybe Altaïr only killed the people that were Killed Off for Real
 * So, does this mean Altaïr is God in the Aqua Teen and Demented Cartoon Movie universes?
 * Wait! But Altaïr ALSO loses synchronization when he hurts anyone who is neither ostensibly evil, or one of his assassination targets! Which, of course means either he has only killed off all the bad guys in any given work of fiction (still an impressive kill count), or someone is giving him assignments...
 * Thusly, if we go by the Trope Pantheons... Spongebob SquarePants is responsible for every non-evil character's death in the known multiverse. Obfuscating Stupidity on a whole 'nother level.
 * If that's true, then Scar is responsible for every set of dead parents.
 * What happens if Spongebob tells him to kill Chuck Norris?
 * In connection with the theory that all voice acted characters are the same person, this explains perfectly why Starscream can never kill Megatron. (That, and it's a kid's show.)
 * You only lose synchronization because you're killing people off schedule.
 * Once you beat the game, and go back to completed memory blocks, you don't lose synchronization for killing innocents.
 * Wait! You also lose synchro with Altaïr in the final battle: it's represented by the Synchro bar depleting to deadly levels. This means that the real Altaïr is also completely immune to the Templar Treasure. And, by extension, all forms of mind control/illusion.
 * So Altaïr killed Bambi's mother?
 * Only if you're suggesting that Bambi's mother is evil. Which, at this point, I would not at all be surprised by.
 * Altaïr killed her with the pistol from Assassin's Creed II.
 * No, I don't think characters who are animals count here. Remember, in Assassin's Creed I, you aren't even given the option off killing animals. There are animals there, such as the horses, but its impossible for Altaïr to harm them. This means animals are immune to Altaïr, and they just die the normal way.
 * Hold on, Connor is able to hunt animals. Perhaps Altaïr only handles the humanoid deaths and regulates animals to his apprentice.
 * If you can beat Altaïr at a game of chess, you're removed from The Schedule and can die on your own terms.
 * It wasn't Suzaku that killed Lelouch, they got Altaïr to do it. The Code may have rendered him immortal and a botched assassination would've ruined everything they worked for, so they got Altaïr to make sure Lelouch stays dead when he dies. The Code doesn't work against Altaïr.
 * Hang on, this brings some new implications for when Lelouch killed Emperor Chuck and Marianne... He geassed Altaïr into doing it ahead of his schedule!
 * Not quite. Altaïr is immune to any and all forms of mind control, as stated above. The truth is, Altaïr killed Emperor Chuck and Marianne because it really was their time to go, and tricked Lelouch into thinking he did it by geassing God.
 * So it turn out Altaïr shot J.R.
 * But if you pinch Wendy's Uctions you can defeat him.
 * It's fortunate that nobody dies in Bleach, since Altaïr is dreading having to one day face Zaraki Kenpachi.
 * Actually Altaïr is Zaraki's Bankai and so the reason no one realy dies is because he doesn't know how to release it... YET.
 * Altaïr fearing anyone? Even if this is Zaraki, this is but a jest. The reason Altaïr doesn't show up there is because they're not on his hit list.
 * Uh... he hasn't shown up there because just about everyone in Bleach is Dead to Begin With.
 * Hold on, does that mean that Joshua didn't kill Neku, But Altaïr DID?!
 * Unless Joshua is Altaïr.
 * Fuck, Altaïr is Crystal Dragon Jesus!
 * Where does Ezio figure into this? Is Ezio just Altaïr in the future (having gotten amnesia perhaps?) or is he one of Altaïr's apprentices?
 * Altaïr, Ezio and Desmond are all the same person, but they play the Identical Grandson to avoid people thinking he's immortal. Not that he can't deal with it, but it's just too much hassle and there are a lot of people to kill.
 * If Altaïr, Ezio and Desmond are the same person, and Altair is also a Time Lord, this means that throughout his life Altaïr has not require the use of a SINGLE regeneration since he still looks the same! Compare this to The Doctor who has gone through numerous regenerations already in his nine hundred years life and you can see The Doctor is quite the wuss compared to Altaïr. (Altaïr is at least nine hundred years old too since he was active from the 12th century to the present age)
 * Considering Word of God says that one of the pieces of eden controlls time, then yes, Altaïr can be considered a Time Lord - in canon. All he has to do is own it. And we all know that owning is what Altaïr has every morning for breakfast.
 * It's not Word Of God- the conference room computer in the first game says it in the email.
 * Altaïr grew into his godhood. Young Ezio just has a health bar, not a synchronization bar, meaning he really did get the $#!+ kicked out of him on a regular basis - he was simply too obsessed with his Roaring Rampage of Revenge to die as easily as everyone else, making him just a Badass Normal. But Ezio eventually grows to put Altaïr to shame - 100% synchronization has some insane requirements. He'd regained Altaïr's invisibility and inability to be struck, and gained a form of ESP that allows him to navigate unknown areas like old stomping grounds, can slaughter guards like a One-Man Army, and can pilot Leonardo's inventions like he has a Universal Driver's License.
 * Wait, wait, does this mean that Altaïr also killed off all of the Time Lords and the Daleks during the Last Great Time War? The Daleks I can understand, but why the Time Lords too if Altaïr is also a Time Lord himself?
 * Well, naturally, he serves a higher power now. One that transcends the notions of race, gender and any concept of good and evil.

Since Altaïr cannot enter water, people who drown in fiction don't actually die...they're recruited by Davy Jones.

 * This may possibly be what happens to victims of the Death Note too.
 * Which means we all should be VERY scared of Aquaman. Very, very scared.
 * However, Ezio can enter water, and depending on how he relates to Altaïr, this fact may or may not be disproved.
 * Ezio is the one who kills the targets in the water.
 * No, Altaïr is so awesome he doesn't even have to enter the water to kill them. The fact that he looks like he's drowning is just to mess with Desmond and shame him for resorting to such cheap tactics such as swimming.
 * Canon: Altaïr swims at the end of Assassin's Creed: Altaïr's Chronicles. Or so they say.

Altaïr cannot travel trough time.
Observe the following facts: The seemingly arbitrary time limit becomes logical when you take Altaïr into acount. Esentially, it takes Altaïr 0.06 seconds to check all existing Death Notes and the go all around the multiverse killing the adequate people. If both Death Notes get written while Altaïr is killing other people, he cannot tell which one came first, and thus kills noone. So this implies two things: It takes time for Altaïr to move around, and he cannot travel through time, as in that case he could just go check the exact moment of writing.
 * The Death Notes are merely hitlists for Altaïr
 * If the same name is written in two Death Notes, the one which was written earlier will take effect
 * However, if the diference in the time of writing between the two is inferior to 0.06 seconds, none will take effect.
 * Altaïr's constant state of temporal flux has caused the very strings of time to become ever so loose. This has caused time itself to only be measured accurately within 0.06 seconds. Being devoted to his work, Altaïr opts to not risk making a mistake and decides not to act.

Altaïr is the Anthropomorphic Personification of Death.
Taking into account all of the above, it becomes clear and much more reasonable that rather than actually killing his targets, Altaïr uses other characters or arranges "accidents" and the like to take them out. He's the very idea of taking a life given form. Basically, Altaïr is Death's favorite costume.
 * Ergo, he is currently enslaved to two young children.
 * And has a horse named Binky.

Altaïr works for Head Death.
His official position is "Death of Everything Else", meaning that anyone who isn't taken out by a Death that appears in the comic is killed by Altaïr. This is why the afterlife is able to function even though the other Deaths never actually collect any souls; Altaïr is picking up the slack.

The Mysterious Figure is really Altaïr.
His weapons are Pieces of Eden which is why they can transform and stuff.

Altaïr is a Moltres
Think about it; bird motif, weak to both water and rock(as anybody who has tried to climb a wall while guards are chasing you can attest), immune to ground(assuming you land in hay or grab something on the way down). He has even been refered to as a legendary assassin on occasion. The only reason they cut his hidden-flamethrower from the game was because it was too gamebreaker-y.