Homestuck/WMG/Alpha

Jake will not be revived via prototyping
Jane and Dirk's shirt symbols are modified from those of their prescratch counterparts, but Roxy and Jake's are swapped. Interestingly, that's not the only thing swapped. Rose is responsible for the creation of the MEOW code that created Jade's dog Becquerel. Jake created the BARK code that will presumably create God Cat. Although God-cat doesn't belong to Roxy, and is not the cat depicted on her shirt, it is likely that it's cloned from one of her cats, the same way that Bec was cloned from Grandpa's dog Halley.

Also, I can't be the only person who's noticed that clockwork majyyks handed out by LE to his minions are essentially a pallette swap of the elderitch magics used by Rose with her Thorns of Ologoth, right? It was especially obvious when we saw child!handmaid do it with her cuestick-needlewands. And hussie entertained the possibility of magic guns back when he was working on Wizard Herbert, the story which would later influence Rose's Complacency of the Learned. Hmmmmm..

I'm going to bet that, assuming Gamzee doesn't come and ruin everything, that the prototyping patterns will be reversed between them as well. Either a Mutiecat or the G Cat will end up in Roxy's kernelsprite, followed by her realself or dreamself. Meanwhile, the ashes of Grandma Jade will fall into Jake's kernelsprite. This will make everyone wary of prototyping Jake, due to Jane's experience with Tavriskasprite and the horrors of double-prototyping different people. Meaning that Jake, if dead upon entry as predicted, will have to be revived through another method. Perhaps with clockwork voodoos, creating a x2 callback combo to both Grimdark Rose and Rainbow Drinker Kanaya (who Doc Scratch implied he had a hand in reviving)?

Jane and Jake's Sprites will be Poppop Crocker and Grandma English, respectively.
They seem to be dead, and Sprites attract the dead and doomed. Plus, it seemed like Jade's Sprite was supposed to be Grandpa Harley, but since the universe had cancer, Bec got prototyped instead to create Bec Noir. Grandpa Harley not becoming a Sprite will be one of the wrongs that is righted in the Alpha session.
 * Does Jake have Alpha!Jade's remnants lying around anywhere?
 * Not that we know of.
 * He has her ashes in an urn.
 * Tentatively Jossed. Poppop Crocker's remains are floating out in space around Earth after [S] Jane: Enter. Unless his severed arm is still lying around and is used, it's probably not going to happen at this point.
 * Post-Entry prototyping via a variety of means is still possible.
 * Given we haven't seen the arm since Jane captchalogued it, it is probably still in her Sylladex. And given Nanna's ashes were enough for John's sprite, Poppop's arm should be enough for Jane's.
 * But sadly, this one has been Jossed at Tavros and Vriska's great expense.
 * Though not completely yet. We still have yet to see Jake's sprite.
 * And Dirk or Roxy's sprite could full well be prototyped with Poppop's arm or body (considering that in the future he might have fallen back to earth).

The Felt exist in the Alpha Session.
A corollary to the Doc Scratch theory above. Presumably, he and The Felt are a package deal.
 * On the other hand, there's no Midnight Crew.
 * We haven't even been to the Alpha Session yet (only its Earth), and considering the Crew have equivalents in the Beta Kids' Session, it's reasonable to think they're integral parts of the game.
 * But there is no Midnight Crew on the post-reckoning planet. Of course the agents exist, but the Crew itself and seemingly the Felt were one-off deals thus far.
 * Unless they have gills, Jossed. The principle however was well thought out; it simply seems to be that because the Condesce shaped Alpha Earth and not Doc Scratch, there are her Imperial Drones instead of the Felt.
 * Not quite Jossed. Maybe they're pirates instead of gangsters; Lord English has a peg leg, after all. Plus, Hussie has said he might show how the Felt became the Felt, suggesting some sort of appearance. And Clover is ambiguously alive.
 * Dirk's exposition about Future Earth does not include them. It would also run counter to the Condesce's fear of Lord English, so it's pretty much confirmed at this point that they're not on Alpha Earth.

In the chaos of Sburb, Jane will lose most of her cool Betty Crocker equipment.
At first, she will be upset about this, but it will lead to her being freed from her brainwashing (and she'll be able to alchemize much cooler stuff, anyway).
 * She's well on the way to it already, her computer having blown up.
 * Jossed: There's actually no chaos in a Void Session; Jane hasn't even fought an Imp yet.

Pony Detective is not the only book Bro has defaced.
Strider sending Jane a defaced book for her birthday recalls multiple similar gifts given by Andrew Hussie himself, the introduction of which into Homestuck canon would nicely mirror that of a certain comic meant to make fun of a kid on the Penny Arcade forums. It's hardly a stretch to imagine that Miss Lalonde would appreciate a personalized copy of Wizardology, and The First World Flight would certainly appeal to Jake's wanderlust.

The alcohol that Alpha!Rose leaves around for Alpha!Mom isn't actually alcohol.
Likely everyone (especially those in countries with a lower legal drinking age) is aware of the stereotype of social glorification of going out and getting hammered present in many teens. It's entirely possible that Alpha!Mom buys into that stereotype and sees getting drunk as, to quote Jade, soooooooo cooooooool. Meanwhile, Alpha!Rose is aware that that's how her daughter seems to think, so what she does is she goes and buys non-alcoholic beverages en masse, disguises them as alcohol and puts them in the cabinets where Alpha!Mom can get to them easily. It's a placebo - Alpha!Mom thinks she's drinking alcohol so she thinks she's getting drunk as hell, and her belief in getting drunk being soooooooo cooooooool helps her act like she's drunk without her ever realising that she's not. So it could be sort of a deconstruction of this pedestal upon which young people place alcohol, with an emphasis on how it makes people look like asses?
 * Meaning that pre-Scratch Mom was never really an alcoholic? SHOCKING.
 * Not sure how that follows. Rose obviously was not buying Mom's liquor pre-Scratch.
 * There might be some confirmation of this in how class/aspect powers work. If you recall Rose's conversation with Doc Scratch, he implies that she possessed her abilities before even entering the game, and that the tools that she thought "granted" her those powers really didn't do anything beyond letting her feel comfortable with using said powers. In this case, the faux-alcohol would be serving that purpose.
 * Then again, so could real alcohol.

Alpha!Mom will pull a Gamzee and go batshit crazy in the Medium.
Think about it: Nobody knew what Gamzee was like off the suppor slime before they played Sgrub, and it turned out he was a terrifying bastard. Eventually the alcohol will run out for Lalonde...
 * On a related note, perhaps running out of alcohol will also lead to Alpha!Mom either 1) going Grimdark or 2) realizing her Void powers (or both, really, since she'd probably need the Void attribute without the Horrorterrors to do the work for her)? Because a moment of "why is the rum gone?" leading to her descent would be amusing, that's why.
 * Dirk is a far more likely candidate given his already shown instability and having Cal nearby.

ALL the Alpha Kids will go batshit crazy in the Medium.
Jane? Manchurian Agent? Jake? Sudden brainwashing or full blown Demonic Possession through his helmet computer. Lalonde? See above. Strider? Either AI Is a Crapshoot or he ends up like Vriska (which is not batshit crazy but still pretty unstable). And just to make things worse, they won't go after each other either - they're going to go after the Beta!Kids. They spend the session preparing for the arrival of gods, so they can properly commit deicide when they arrive. It can't be that hard to engineer a heroic or just death...
 * This troper just realized Jane's English helmet makes him look like the Masked Man of Mother 3. Hello, Whole-Plot Reference.
 * Hussie has never played Mother 3.

the huge object in Jake's inventory is The Tumor, a planet, the battlefield, or possibly The Green Sun.
All huge objects.
 * How about Lord English's sarcophagus?
 * The Cairo Overcoat/sarcophagus shouldn't be that large.
 * The other fourth wall, the one Jade and John are supposed to arrive through. Remember how Jade's grew to RIDICULOUS size and got a battleship shot through it? And how UU said Jake's job was simply to "pave the way for the arrival of gods"?
 * The battle ship that Grandpa Harley had.
 * The central tower to his home, which is missing. Note in Seer: Descend there was talk of adding orbs to a ring, but was dismissive. Jade's home looked a lot like the dream towers. The right prototyping and you could end up with a prototyping tower. Considering you can get a Matriorb from an oil covered fedora this isn't so much of a stretch. Jade's home that is missing in the Alpha Session, but clearly existed since Jake's "home" is a broken off spire from said house.
 * Void Sessions cannot prototype, the Seer: Descend comment was a mere reference to the Troll session, and the tower was destroyed by explosion.
 * The Battlefield is Jossed; the Alpha Battlefield was destroyed and Jade still has the tiny Beta Battlefield.

Jake will kill John at one point.
Jake's Chumhandle is golgathasTerror, Golgatha meaning "The place of the skull"; However, Golgatha is also the place where Jesus was crucified. John is what most people would call the Messiah.

Now look at all their known chumhandles.

The Terror of Golgatha will kill the Ecto-Biologist, and will make him into a Ghosty Trickster. See? Symbolism!
 * Yeah, but who has the initials "JC" here? Jane Crocker.
 * Jake will kill Jane... in order for her to go god-tier.

Bro's sprite will be tier-two prototyped by his auto-responder.
Thereby becoming a full-blown Expy of Davesprite.
 * Throw in a gull and call it a day.
 * Tenatively jossed, as the Alpha Session seemingly won't be able to Prototype.
 * Pre-entry, probably not. Post-entry? Who knows...
 * Considering how Davesprite is described in Act 6 Intermission 2, this is looking rather likely.

Jane will bring Jake's dreamself back to life.
She is a player of Life and her initials are JC... Other than that, I got nothing...
 * Nothing is said about the green lantern being re-lit in the prophecy in Myststuck, so this is probably Jossed.

Jane's going to have a hard time with her transforming Fork / Spoon kind strife specibus.
Think about it, what will happen when she starts getting fork / spoon weapons that cannot transform like her Crocker Corp weapon? Every time she transforms her crocker corp weapon, every weapon in the strife specibus that cannot transform will be ejected.
 * There's an abundance of unusual strife specibi that nonetheless can make multiple weapons; 2x3dentKind and 1/2bladeKind being examples. Who's to say that she can't find another transforming fork-spoon weapon that doesn't come from Crocker?

The Alphas are going to die in the exact order they were killed in the Beta session.
First Jake (Grandpa), then Jane (Nanna), then D (Bro), then R (Mom), and somewhere around R's, Dad. We've already seen Jake's Dreamself get killed, and if it's actually what we think it is then maybe Jane's in for, too. We'll just have to see how this whole scenario plays out, though...
 * Course, we have no idea when Grandpa Harley died exactly. Jade was at the very least able to read and speak by the time he died, and unless she was able to do that at under 4 months of age (the window between her arrival and John's)...
 * Alternatively, it could be the same order the Beta kids died. The first to die was Jade's dreamself, prior to John's waking self being killed by Jack and unleashing his god tier resurrection. Jake's dreamself died followed by Jane's waking self being blown up. That would mean the next kill would be R Lalonde (awake, possibly with Jane's dreamself dying just prior or simultaneously, if we count Bec Noir sucker-stabbing John), then D Strider (awake), then Jake's waking self, followed by R and D's dreamselves...
 * Looking to be more likely: Jane's dreamself was the third to die- sucker-stabbed by Jack Noir, just like John's.
 * Jane's dreamself a) was second to be attacked and b) seemingly didn't die.
 * Myststuck confirms that Roxy and Dirk's dreamselves will eventually die, but Jane's probably won't, and if she does it'll be after the other two.
 * Ergo Jossed.

Get Up will be the music used for Jake English's ascent to the God Tiers.
It does seem appropriate for a funeral procession.

The Kids and Trolls will arrive in the Alpha Session on April 13, 2012 . ..
. . . three years after the start of Homestuck.
 * Jossed

The Beta Kids will arrive in the alpha session on 4/13/12.
It is going to take the kids three years to get to the alpha session and on 4/13/12 Homestuck will celebrate its third year anniversary.
 * Both of these are unlikely barring a time skip... aaaaaand Jossed.

The Beta Kids and the trolls will all but replace the Alpha Kids.
Consider: Jack Noir got to Prospit with little known trouble and killed both Prospit heroes. It's relatively safe to say he already killed the Derse dreamers before he went over to Prospit. One of the Alpha kids is very likely to be properly dead, because of exploding mailbox, and the other three are in for a difficult game because they won't have the extra life afforded by having a dreamself, and possibly can't ascend to the God Tiers. Some time after meeting the Beta kids and doing the things seen in EOA6I1, the Alpha kids are pretty much doomed.

On the other hand, there are eight replacement players on their way, of which at least four are already God Tier, including four planets and a second battlefield. To them, it'd be like a New Game Plus! Alpha Jack wouldn't know what hit him, leaving only Bec Noir to deal with.
 * As a note, I would say that he has not already killed the Derse dreamers. Upon killing Dream-Jane, the narration said 'Two down, two to go.'
 * Pretty much Jossed.

The Alphas are going to die doing things mirroring what the main cast had done in the past.
Jane had already died trying to get the game in the mail. If thisheadcanon is to be correct, R will make a walkthrough; however, Rose also mentioned that all the walkthroughs she had seen ended at the moment the meteors impacted their homes. Following this, R dies when she runs out of time on her cruxtruder. D will probably die falling off his building trying to retrieve his item, what with no Rocketboard to break his fall, or he gets impacted with the meteor if his brother didn't cut through it.
 * In this scenario, it's a possibility Jake's failure would be to not prototype his kernelsprite before entering, as Jade and John nearly failed to had Bec not intervened (albeit they might have succeeded without Vriska's interference, but I digress).
 * If the alpha session people all don't have cruxite items, the way Jane did, then Roxy couldn't have had an 'eggy lokin thign' or however it was misspelled. And it's looking like Roxy might not get a meteor either.

Jane's death will have similar trappings to Doctor Who.
The Doctor's already sprinkled throughout the series, what with friends that could control time and space, John's theme being called "Doctor", quotes hidden in some of the bandcamp music, a reference by John earlier to Karkat, Lord English's coat trim resembling Four's famous scarf, heck, as of now even regeneration! It should stand to reason that Jane's death might end up being a reference to the serial "The Impossible Astronaut" by being killed mid-Lifey-thing.
 * None of the musical references are canonical, English's coat is actually a reference to the colors in pool, and Time and Space are far more wide spanning than just Doctor Who. Besides, Jossed as of current canon, as Jane's dreamself is still alive.

Alpha Courtyard Droll will undergo a Heel Face Turn.
The Droll has been known to be a Minion With an F In Evil in all three incarnations and has either made friends or attempted to make friends with the heroes before. Of course, he always remembered his allegiance to Derse in the end...but he has clearly shown misgivings with the new Dersite regime's agenda. Under their "new management", Derse will continue to sink to lows any Derse of a normal session would never sink to, and the guilt will drive CD to helping the considerably nicer Kids defeat his former superiors.
 * He's already assisted the pre-Scratch kids (knowingly or not) by destroying his session's battlefield.
 * CD isn't intelligent enough to comprehend guilt. He felt somewhat bad about killing Jake's dreamself, but still is loyal to Derse. When taking Beta CD into account, the theory is pretty much Jossed.

Someone is putting Roxy to sleep
This ties in with the non-alcoholic beverages theory above. It could be because someone is experimenting. It could also be something more sinister. Although its extremely unlikely to be any of them, characters who have put other people to sleep include Vriska (to John and Jade), Aradia (to Sollux), and Doc Scratch (to Kanaya).
 * Doc Scratch never put Kanaya to sleep; he was mentioned briefly to have guided her to Prospit but the manner in which that occurred is unknown. At any rate, Jossed.

The Alpha Session is a practical guarantee of success

 * Alongside the fact there are two Seers, two knights, and two heros of space, every element is represented in the party except doom.
 * In fact, maybe they will be successful because they don't have a Doom player.
 * On the other hand, there is no evidence so far that the trolls will count.

The reason Dirk is such a genius is because he has two active brains.
Both his normal and dream selves are active at all times, so there's no reason to think that he couldn't think with both brains.
 * Which could also explain why Beta session Bro Strider showed no interest in robots: he would have been only half as intelligent as Alpha Dirk.
 * Would that mean that Dirk would no longer be a genius if his dream self died?
 * Jossed: Dirk isn't a genius.

The Auto-Responder has learned about Alternian society from his conversations with Roxy, while Dirk still knows nothing about the trolls.
Primarily guessing because of this page. In talking about Dirk's flushed interest in Jake and plans relating to such, the AR says that they are "beyond the pail" (clearly a reference to the trolls' reproductive cycle), and Dirk doesn't pick up on the reference.
 * Jossed

Andrew Hussie will not show us most of the events of Act 6 thanks to Roxy
UU has stated that she can't see most of what happens during the Alpha kids' session because Roxy has blacked out the session with her Void powers. It's been made clear on multiple occasions that our ability to view Homestuck is tied into one or more of the same mechanisms used in-universe for pseudo out-of-universe entities to view and meddle with things, e.g. by shutting off the fourth walls or closing curtains over them, blowing up exile terminals, scratching the disc, etc. Whatever Roxy does will probably affect us too. Otherwise, it would have to leave a loophole for in-universe meddling.
 * Additionally, Hussie has used these events to fast forward the story telling on at least one occasion (Doc Scratch's narration takeover), and Hussie has said on his formspring account, "[A]ct 6 will be considerably shorter, and act 7 will be minuscule."
 * "A6 will probably still be shorter than A5. But it could wind up being close."
 * Plus, if many fan theories are right, and UU is a stand-in for the MSPA readers, then we are as vulnerable as she is to anything that blocks her ability to see. This is our warning and the first foreshadowing of (non)events to come.
 * We saw what Rose did when she was blacked out though, so tentatively Jossed (besides the fact this would probably make the comic something of an anticlimax).
 * And now the Author Avatar is dead, adding more fuel to the fire.

Dad will punch Jack, hard.
WG and Dad was killed by Jack back in the kids' session. Here, WG got to whack Jack. In which case, why not have Dad punch Jack?
 * At this point, I wouldn't put it past Hussie to have set up every other "Round Two" be a victory for the original loser just to subvert it at a critical moment like this in a massive Wham Episode. However, despite not being a gambling man, I wouldn't bet against him.

Jake is going to die.
Did anyone notice a few of his levels? "One tomb, many suitors" for instance. This could pertain to his already dead dream self, or it could be foreshadowing. Furthermore...
 * Presumably just refers to many many instances of "One x, many y" across literature and his plundering of the Frog Temple.
 * And of course, a pun on "One too many suitors."

Dirk is going to fuck things up royally, and possibly cause Jake's death
First off, Dirk has been revealed to be in a class that rivals the Bard. UU (if she is to be trusted) has stated that Princes and Bards can cause... odd things to happen in game. Our examples being Eridan and Gamzee. Secondly, while he has told Jane that he will be pulling the strings for the entire group, a few of his conversations have implied that he actually knows very little about the workings or goals of the game. If he actually ends up running the show, he may fuck up the proper path that the kids are supposed to take. (In comparison to Rose, who nearly fucked up the game by trying to learn too much about it and trying to break it apart) Alternately, he doesn't end up running anything because, let's face it, how many of them are going to be listening to him once they enter the game? Roxy is going to to her own boozed up thing, and Jake is going to be like a kid in a very dangerous candy shop, reveling in his adventures! Jane may or may not hold a bit of a grudge against him for providing an alternate route for Jake's affections. However, when his carefully calculated plans all fall to shit because no one will listen to him, he's going to do something that earns him his class title. (Perhaps not a raging rampage, because that doesn't seem like his style. But something that will accidentally screw everyone over)
 * Well there's been at least one team member in every shown session who is a detriment to the team, and it's fairly likely to be Dirk at the moment. But the assumption that Princes are odd is a false one. Bards are weird and hard to classify, but both they and Princes are completely in line with other classes.

The WILD CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN will get a new section
That Pesterchum symbol looks awfully like a window tab.
 * Probably UU and uu when we get to them. Maybe the exiles too.

The alpha kids are getting set up with some sort of reverse fairy-god-troll thing
Jake has the Unknown Troll Girl, Roxy has the Other Unknown Troll Girl Who Looks Kind Of Like Feferi, and at this rate Dick and Jane will have Mystery Troll Boys within the fortnight.
 * Jossed: It's just the two troll girls; though one could argue uu and UU correspond to Dirk and Jane respectively, the patron troll shenanigans still don't work because Aranea and UU are talking to everyone and Meenah has no real connection to Roxy besides wanting to hunt her.

Jake will enter the Alpha Session as the Condesce floods Earth.
Jane's countdown wasn't actually counting towards a meteor, but simply the arrival of the Condesce to Alpha Earth - an indirectly cataclysmic event in it's own right. It can be assumed that Jake's countdown will be similar, because the Condesce will at some point entirely flood Earth to match Roxy & Dirk's future. While Jane: Enter shows the volcano on Jake's island to be almost completely submerged and no longer having lava flow from the top, a panel in the EOA6I1 shows it's going to fully erupt at some point.
 * Rose's exposition was accompanied by a panel that showed the Condesce's invasion wasn't complete until around 2030. Seemingly Jossed.
 * By my ruler, the change in color after 2000 is about 15% of the length of the 1900-2000, which puts it closer to 11.11.11 than to 2030. It's still quite possible, being that I doubt AH expected anyone to be anal enough to take a ruler to the screen.
 * It looked farther than Poppop and Grandma's landings in 1910, which is what prompted the "Not 2011". Remains to be seen at any rate.
 * The arrival of Alpha John and Jade is about 32 pixels away from 1900. The timeline turning red is about 38 pixels away from 2000. So probably a few years later, but before the end of the decade.
 * Jossed: Dirk's exposition revealed the flooding of the Earth was a gradual thing.

The Alpha session Exiles will be from the past, not the future. Or they will be from another planet entirely
This Session is screwed up already. Might as well make it more confusing.
 * No they're from the Session per normal rules though they aren't exiles. Jossed.

Some humans escaped the Condesce's invasion of Earth through some sort of ark
Not only would this be a Biblical reference, it would also be a reference to the White Ship of Mother 3. This troper is betting on a free colony of humans hidden somewhere on Mars.
 * Isn't that more likely how the Exiles ended up on Earth?
 * Jossed by Dirk.

Jane is going to die in her Session and become a ghost.
Just a hunch; there's enough Foreshadowing going around that it could happen. Speaking of which...

There will be post-entry protoypings, and they will reflect the B1 Kids sprites except for Roxy
No-one said an empty kernel can't be prototyped after entry. Jane will probably self-prototype in some fashion, mimicking both Nannasprite and Jadesprite. Meanwhile, Jake will prototype an urn containing ashes of his dead grandmother and her dog Harley (as John is the stuffed corpse, its logical to assume Jade is the one cremated). The result is the ghost of Jake's grandma as a dog - again reflecting Nannasprite and Jadesprite. Dirk will definitely prototype the AR as Dirksprite, there's just too much Foreshadowing of that, and his Myth Arc is about a divided self. Finally, Roxy will be the combo-breaker - hers is the only text color that doesn't match a B1 Kid's sprite. This troper is guessing she'll prototype her Dream Self after entry, and then it will be prototyped with Mutie, or maybe even GCat. This will then affect her appearence when/if she goes God Tier.

As for why Roxy and Dirk won't try and revive their parents...
 * Jossed: Tavris didn't remotely reflect anything about Nannasprite.

Poppop Crocker, Mom Lalonde (B2 Rose) and Bro Strider (B2 Dave) are all in the Medium
Hey, it happened to Grandpa. Poppop might have actually faked his death and left behind a fake corpse - the ultimate prank. Meanwhile, Bro and Mom entered the Medium to escape the invasion. Unlike the B1 Guardians, who were separated from their children when they entered the sessions, the B2 Guardians will find their children and there will be tearful reunions...or more precisely meetings. It's not like UU said Roxy's mother and daughter were the same person...even though they sort of are.
 * UU's words pretty clearly applied to Roxy meeting Rose.
 * Alternately, they've lost access to their guardians' corpses in the intervening 400 years of global flooding and antagonism by the Batterwitch who had them killed in the first place.
 * Judging by the timeline in A 6 I 2, Roxy and Dirk almost certainly never knew their versions of Mom or Bro.
 * Jossed: They died fighting the Condesce. Crocker might however be in the Medium with shenanigans.
 * There are other theories that Mom and Bro survived somehow.

The Batterwitch was responsible for setting the kids up to meet each other
They had to meet somehow, and since they live in different time frames there's no way it could have happened naturally. If I recall correctly, the Beta kids met up due to John's package being sent to Jade in the past (I can't remember why that happened, I think it was exiles maybe?), but the alpha session is so broken that even if that happened, Jake never would have been able to find Dirk or Roxy.
 * Dirk and Roxy already have access to technology that warps space. It's not much of a stretch for them to have technology that warps time too, at least in the sense that Trollian does. Moreover, UU was in contact with all of them, and may have helped Dirk and Roxy get in contact with Jake and Jane. Jake also accidentally managed to come in contact with Jade, so it's also possible he simply accidentally contacted the others.
 * I somehow doubt UU would connect them up, because of her not wanting to reveal spoilers. I also wouldn't be surprised if Dirk and Roxy had the tech to communicate backwards in time lying around their houses, but I get the feeling that the Batterwitch is manipulating a whole lot of what's going on.
 * Rose suggests they have some sort of Trollian-esque client.
 * Yeah, I understand that they have the technology to communicate with each other, but then they also would have the tech to communicate with any of the other eight billion people on the planet, or heck, they could probably talk to people even further in the past. The question is how they met two random kids from four thousand years in the past.
 * How did John and Jade meet on the internet with thousands of people around? Oh right, because the plot needs that to happen. Besides there's historical interest for Dirk to have tried to get in contact with the heiress of the Empress's pre-invasion empire.
 * Also because Jade sent to herself in the past John's present causing her to try to contact him.
 * Jossed: Dirk said UU organized it, however he and Roxy both did have historical interest in contacting Jake and Jane specifically as the son of Grandma English and the Heiress to the Crockercorp Empire.
 * We don't know if the Batterwitch could have influenced UU.

The Alpha session lotus time capsule thing goes backwards instead of forwards
If it goes forwards, it would drop most of the stuff out when it's all flooded. Instead, it goes backwards, so everything comes out in the past (but not many). So Jake goes through the capsule, goes back in time, and probably ends up finding out what happened to grandma and his house. Then one of the other characters in the future (Dirk?) would probably have to get a copy of SBURB into the capsule to get it to Jake, paralleling Jade getting Dave's copy. It would also explain partially why Jake needs to go into the frog temple at this exact time, and in the EOA6A2 flash, he was going down the elevator that goes to the time capsule. This would also make sense with the exiles being possibly in the past instead of the future.

When the beta kids arrive in the alpha session, they won't arrive at the same time with respect to earth (time is complicated!)
Specifically, Dave, Rose, gC, cG, gA, tC, and WV will arrive in 2011 with Jake and Jane, and John and Jade will arrive in 2424, or whatever year it is, with Dirk and Roxy. This keeps the same sets of four, kind of, with half switched out for the other session's equivalent. John and Jade will probably arrive through one of Roxy's fenestrated planes. Dave and Rose were recently implying that they don't have any brakes on the meteor without Sollux, so all they can do is sail through the Alpha medium, crash into Skaia, and then Skaia sends them to go crash on something that needs crashing on, I don't know what. Maybe Jake's house? I guess it could go the other way, and John and Jade end up coming through the fenestrated plane that may or may not be the mystery object in Jake's inventory and Dave and Rose get to be a meteor that smashes into Dirk's or Roxy's houses, but they're already needing to leave fast to escape the Batterwitch.
 * The Kids aren't planning on going to Earth at all. While they can't exactly stop the meteor, there's nothing stopping the Kids and Trolls from jumping off it, and John and Jade have been heavily suggested to crash through a wall related to Jake. Roxy's portals are distinctly different than the fenestrated walls used by Jack and by proxy, Andrew and the Harleys, as they are linked to one location (The Furthest Ring), while the fenestrated walls can switch their viewpoint and link to another universe entirely. It seems that if anyone is going to Earth, it'll be John and Jade's group, and that's not even a sure thing.
 * Okay, so John and Jade come in through Jake's window, when he's probably still on Earth because he's probably entering last still. And then if Rose Seer-of-Light's that she and Dave should stay on the meteor and go through the Skaian defense portal and end up on Earth, I'd guess he'd probably listen. Not sure if all of the trolls would, but Dave probably. I'm not saying that this is the most likely thing to happen (putting the 'W' in WMG), but it's within the realm of possibility, doesn't contradict anything (I think), and explains (partially) why the Alpha kids would be stuck in two different time periods. Also because the Beta kids haven't actually seemed to have made any plans of how to meet up again.
 * Jade's got to place planets around somewhere and Dave has time powers. Seems to me that if the Beta Lands are there, then Dave can just do his time thing and find Jade and John pretty easily! Part of the problem with Dave and Rose entering via a meteor though is that they would have to fly down from the meteor, meet Dirk or Roxy, and enter that way, because Dirk and Roxy live very far apart with no (known anyways) landmarks to guide Rose and Dave from one place to the other, and Rose's Light powers might not grant enough guidance. Granted, Bro flew to meet Dave's meteor, but he's Bro.
 * Finally 'Jossed: Red Miles are beginning to appear above Future Earth, indicating it will be destroyed shortly.

Even without the Reckoning, Alpha Earth is still doomed.
Jade openeda .ATH program that made her computer explode. Karkat earlier opened a .ATH program that did the same. Presumably, it is the same program, which means that the next step will soon follow. On Alternia, it killed off all of the Lususes. On Earth it would either kill off all of the parents (since the lususes are the guardians of young trolls) or kill off all of the animals (because the lususes can be any species except for troll). Either way, Earth is doomed, and the kids still need to Ascend.
 * Jossed via a misunderstanding of Act 6. The ~ATH program is not the same as Sollux's, curses have been revealed to be the will of Paradox Space, and Dirk and Roxy aren't even threatened by the same threat as Jane or Jake. Jake for one is threatened apparently by a volcanic eruption, while Dirk and Roxy presumably will need to enter because of increasing attacks from the Empress.
 * And Dirk's exposition directly jossed this one.
 * The WMG itself is flawed, but due to Red Miles appearing above Future Earth, it is in fact doomed.

Dirk will retrieve Bro's sword.
Presumably Bro's sword is still on LOWAS and when everyone meets up, He will succeed where Dave failed and then Dual Wield two inter-dimensional copies of the same sword like Glenn from Chrono Cross.
 * John and Jade have buried the many corpses around the scattered lands. Bro's sword is left where it was impaled however, as a monument to him. Davesprite would freak if they moved it.

The other three planets will be Land of Tequila and Krypton (Roxy), Land of Puppets and Neon (Dirk), and Land of Monuments and Xenon (Jake).
The Alpha Kids are referred to as "Nobles" by the consorts of the new session, forming a stealth pun with the Land of Crypts and Helium, Helium being a noble gas. The other three will probably follow this pattern as well. The first part of each speculative name is just based on the interests of the corresponding kid. I asked my chemistry teacher, and she said that Argon is found in the spectroscopy of dying/doomed stars. Could that have some connection to uu/UU, since their planet is completely destitute? And if we're on the topic of uu/UU=being the missing Argon, then I'd like to point out that Argon is used to shield from radiation. Could it be that uu/UU wants to protect the others from Lord English? Of course, that wouldn't fit very well with uu being Calmasis, but I'm just thinking out loud at this point.
 * Gotta invert the order of Dirk and Roxy; the lanterns on Jane's land implicitly confirm that the order is Jane-Roxy-Dirk-Jake. Moreover interests have no real reason to show up as no previous land has done so (with possible exception to Nepeta, a Joke Character). My own hypothesis is that it's going to be "Crypt" and "Element" (see below) so perhaps:
 * Land of Polyandrium (an archaic term for a mass grave) and Neon, Land of Tombs and Krypton, and Land of Mausoleums and Xenon.
 * LOPAN will look like a red light district or Las Vegas (with neon lights everywhere), while LOTAK will have at least a few Superman references (possibly even to the point of eventually being destroyed).
 * Perhaps LOMAX will have some kind of emphasis on nuclear power? If LOPAN uses the light theme, anyway. Given Jake's and Jade's use of uranium and radioactive material in advanced technology, it would fit the theme pretty well.
 * Considering Helium was used for Balloons, Hussie may go with the popular conception of each element, ie, Neon lights, Superman Krypton (Especially considering all the other comic book shout outs), and Nuclear Xenon (though Xenon has nowhere near the presence in pop culture as the others).
 * Pyramids fit in LOPAN, don't they?
 * Luxor Hotel, anyone?
 * That fits far better than Polyandrium.
 * OP here. The first words in each name were really not the important part of the theory, but it just looked unfinished to leave that part blank, and I didn't have any better ideas. The flash itself says that LOPAN will be entered before LOTAK, and it makes more sense for Dirk to enter before Roxy, because he is Jane's server player, so LOPAN is probably Dirk's planet. Once again, the main part was the noble gas theme. The crypt theme seems like a good idea in hindsight, though.
 * Again, the flash shows that the order is Jane-Roxy-Dirk-Jake implicitly by the order of the lanterns, Cyan-Pink-Orange-Emerald. Besides, Roxy is in more immediate danger as her neighborhood is ablaze, and there's already been weird shenanigans with servers, given Dave is both Rose and Jade's server players.
 * I'm curious as to why Argon was left out.
 * This is a stretch, but Argon lights have Mercury in them, too. uu has been associated with Mercury in many, MANY theories, so maybe that has something to do with it?
 * Note too that the narration specifically says LOCAH and LOPAN, and then LOTAK and LOMAX, seemingly acknowledging and skipping over Argon at the same time. Considering the last noble gas is Ununoctium, connections with UU and uu might not be unfounded.
 * Well, if we include Ununoctium, then what's to be done about Radon? Possible connection to Lord English?
 * It was mentioned above that the order would be Jane->Roxy->Dirk->Jake because of the lanterns, but that doesn't seem to be the case; Jane's lamp is opposite Jake's, and Roxy's opposite Dirk's. An alternate possibility may be that they will enter in the order their pre-Scratch counterparts were prototyped. This would give Jake LOPAN; if it's (as some people are guessing) Land of Pyramids and Neon, then he'll likely have an Egyptian-themed area with flashing lights; Dirk would have (the supposed) Land of Tombs and Krypton; and Roxy would have (again, currently just a fan nickname) Land of Mausoleums and Xenon, which ties in with Jasper's Mausoleum and, possibly, her alcoholism/element (Xenon is sometimes used as an anesthetic, according to Wikipedia).
 * No matter how much you rotate, the order in sequence is always Teal-Pink-Orange-Emerald-Teal-etc. Dirk and Roxy's lanterns are adjacent as are Jane and Jake's. The ones "opposite" each other are Jane and Dirk and Roxy and Jake. The planned order was Jane-Dirk-Jake-Roxy, which Dirk organized so he could meet Jake, but events have since spiraled out of control and Roxy's neighborhood is in immediate danger much like Rose's was, while Dirk seems to still be busy and Jake is knocked out. Sure it involves some server and player shenanigans but Dave and Dirk have already shown that's perfectly fine. And that method of entry still corresponds to the relative locations of the Beta Kids and their entries in order.
 * I'm convinced that LOMAX has to be Jake's planet, whatever the full name is. His echeladder includes the rung "Revenge of Bernie Lomax", which is both a reference to Weekend at Bernie's and the same letters as the planet's acronym.
 * Foreshadowing! Also as mentioned above, Xenon is an anesthetic, which fits with the frequently knocked out Jake.

As a result, the Alpha kids will have trouble climbing their echeladder.
Being devoid of life not only means no salamanders, but no imps. This isn't that much of a problem for Jake, who's been shown to have climbed his echeladder quite a bit by getting his ass repeatedly whooped by Dirk's robot, or Dirk or Roxy, who presumably have experience fighting Crocker's forces, but it could be a problem for Jane, who may find herself hoping the Beta worlds aren't too devoid of low-level imps or too heavy in high-level ones.
 * Not necessarily. Certain steps of the quest will make-do for echeladder growth. The series of tombs on each planet should provide enough environmental puzzles and challenges to suffice, and actually might work out better for some (especially Jane, who has no known combat experience, and would likely just let Lil' Sebastian fight instead- receiving no credit as she doesn't have the Bunnykind strife specibus).
 * What just hit me is that when Jade entered, she was the weakest member of the group; in contrast, when Jake enters, he will probably initially be the second strongest, and would likely climb his echeladder the fastest in this manner due to his love of tombs.
 * Jossed. Remember John and Tavros have been shown to gain experience outside of combat, Tavros getting it from puzzles apparently.

To be precise, Roxy and Dirk are 413 years ahead of Jane and Jake.
In other words, 2424, which is pretty much what the fans seem to have settled on anyway.
 * Confirmed if this took place two years before the current time.
 * Dirk opens that conversation with a "Happy 13th" for Jake. Assuming Jake's birthday matches Jade's pre-Scratch birthday, Jake would be 15 by the beginning of Act 6. So... confirmed.

Jane will eventually restore life to the lands.
This is at least part of her role as the Maid of Life.

By the time the Beta kids arrive to the Alpha session, another thousands to millions of years would pass.
The same tablet that states that millions of years passed since the Consorts died also states the Nobles will have to wait even longer before the Beta kids arrive. Even without a Noble of Time, Weird Time Shit keeps screwing with things.
 * Maybe just a little bit. After all, we know John and Jade are (probably) entering before Dave and Rose, and the wait may just be enough to make everyone an even 16, while the meteor takes it's time to catch up.

Jake will at some point somehow go God Tier...
And when he does, his lantern will spontaneously reignite, lighting the way to the last puzzle Jane's required to solve.
 * His body was carried to his tomb, which is presumably on his Prospit Quest Bed. Furthermore, it was his (pre-Scratch) grandmother who self-prototyped her Dream Self, so this is a very real possibility.

The Blood potions will work exactly as Gamzee described them...
And the one made from Tavros' blood, which Jane threw over the cliff, will somehow make its way to The Batterwitch's hands, where it will prove key to the plot.
 * If Jane said 'no' to the Bronze Potion, Gamzee just gives her a few bottles anyway, which she doesn't mention throwing off the cliff. I'm calling this unlikely, as she only threw it over the cliff in text, so use of it likely isn't canon.
 * The blood potions after the creation of Tavrisprite were probably gotten rid of as quickly as Jane could.

Gamzee likely gathered the remaining bodies of Equius, Nepeta, Eridan, Sollux, and Feferi, and will give them to the the other 3 kids for prototyping.
I know there is five trolls, but I theorize Gamzee will visit the other three planets and will use the other dead corpses of the slain trolls to prototype the other kids sprites. Nepeta/Equius (Nepuius?) for Roxy, Eridan/Sollux for Dirk, and Feferi for Jake (assuming he didn't die). It's also arguable that Equius could be flung in Dirk's since both have similar personalities, but it looks like this was Gamzee's plan.
 * Alternatively, Eridan and Feferi will be put together. "Feferidan" is an easy enough amalgamation to put into a sprite name.
 * My guess is he'll either leave Sollux's sprite alone to deal with his bifurcation, or Gamzee will jump into the final one himself.
 * A thought occurred to me. Doesn't anyone else think Hussie is using this to make fun of the shippers pairing trolls and giving the odd names?
 * That's the joke.

Post-Scratch!John isn't Crocker at all - he's George Washington.
Why else would he have prophetic dreams - unless he was related to SBURB in some way?

Something's gonna break the Condesce's psychic hold onGCat.
And he might have a My God, What Have I Done? moment when he sees everything the Condesce made him do. (bonus points if Tavros is somehow responsible, given he and Vriska {mainly Vriska} are planning to "fuck shit up".)

== Jake isn't going to become Lord English, but Hussie will still play that WMG up to the point that even Jake himself will start to briefly believe it. == This may cause Jake to become scared of himself and worry he poses a danger to his friends. There'a already implications that he is either subconsciously already afraid of himself and his potential or subconsciously believes that Dirk is.

The session will not recognize the beta battlefield as fully prototyped.
Jade didn't bring the shell, what separates 3x from 4x prototyping.

There is a real meteor called "Betelgeuse" in the alpha session.
Just because "ignore all future input from Betelgeuse" from Jailbreak can be mirrored in Jack!Jailbreak.

Sawtooth was an attempt to make a Brobot.
This one's half a joke, but it (in my head, at least) holds some water. Sawtooth is an unmatched rapper, much like Dave. Maybe Dirk made him after he found out about his 'ancestor'?
 * Sawtooth is more of a parallel to an idealized version of Dirk himself. Remember Squarewave speaks in red, like Dave, while Sawtooth is an untouchable badass, like Dirk likes to think he is.

Jane is going to go yandere for Jake.
This WMG is mostly a joke, but given which comic we're talking about here, I could see it actually happening.

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