Steven Wright/Quotes

"Hermits have no peer pressure."

"Every time I think about the past it brings back memories."

"I used to work in the factory where they make hydrants. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "ok, then forget it"."

"Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"Today I went down to the Hare Krishna temple to try and sell them some airline tickets."

"We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it was, he did, and I said, "No further questions.""

"I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy."

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

"People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns... behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk."

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?""

"My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here.""

"I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, "Is Joey there?" The woman says "Yes."  I said, "May I speak to him please?"  She said, "No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old."  I said, "All right, I'll wait.""

"When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street."

"I have a hobby... I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.""

"My school colors were clear."

"If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger?"

"You know how you stick a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I don't take baths."

"I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone."

"I went to the movies, and the prices were adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl.""

"It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused."

"I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... "Boy With Pail"... "Kitten On Fire"."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"..."

"Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected.  I bought a new phone though.  I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone.  It had no five on it.  I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My phone has no five." He said, "That's really weird. How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no sevens.""

"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said, "They're behind the couch."  And they were!"

"I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious."

"I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by."

"The other day I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."

"The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree."

"I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

"In Las Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."

"I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller."

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it."

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."

"I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg."

"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"

"I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings."

"Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D."

"Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't.  It just eats another hummingbird."

"I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend."

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."

"A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place."

"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said "Hi," and she said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said, "Yeah, I guess." I said, "What do you mean 'you guess'?"  She said "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I can't tell you, I don't even know you."  I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane."  I said, "Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.""