Screw You, Elves/Quotes

"I love [arresting] asari. So ageless and superior - then you get them, and they squeal like schoolgirls."

- Gianna Parisini Mass Effect 2

"An oath from an eldar means less than nothing. It is a promise of betrayal."

- Inquisitor Eisenhorn, Warhammer 40,000

"Player Character: Elves have strange powers. Sten: Being easily conquered does not constitute a "power.""

- Dragon Age Origins

"Aldaris: And who is this human, Tassadar? Raynor: The name's James Raynor, pal. And I won't be talked down to by anybody - not even a Protoss. Aldaris: Your taste in companions grows ever more inexplicable..."

- StarCraft

"She herself went on Mendy's list of people to expect unbalanced things from, about the time she started skipping away down the hall singing like some manic, killer child, "I get to kill a Darhel, I get to kill a Darhel.""

- Posleen War Series

"And the elves, bah! All they can do is sit in their forest and wait to be conquered."

- Murtagh Morzansson, Eldest

"Ulia: Aaaaah... their age, their beauty, and their nobility unsettles you? Miliana: No -- their utter lack of achievement! You know, if I were eight hundred years old, I think I'd do more with my time than sitting about on my derriere singing tra-la-la-lally."

- The Council of Blades, a Forgotten Realms novel by Paul Kidd

""Then perhaps ye would be kind enough to tell them something for me." Elminster rounded the bed to place himself between Lord Imesfor and the priestess. "Tell them the council would do well to recall how many friends the elves truly have among men - lest they chase them all off with their boneheadedness!" Angharradh’s eyes widened. "I couldn't possibly -" "Ye could and ye shall." Elminster shooed her toward the door. "And be quick about it, before I make a caryatid of ye!" Laeral held the door. "I suggest you hurry. You know how rash and impatient we humans can be.""

- The Summoning, a Forgotten Realms novel by Troy Denning

"So the gods discussed it and created elves. The Elves were beautiful, Mistral Thrax admitted, in and elvish way, but it was his belief that the gods grew disappointed after a time because the elves -- being elves -- were essentially decorative but not particularly functional. They were content simply to live long lives and to exist. They did not nothing of any real value, in the opinion of Mistral Thrax."

- The Covenant of the Forge, a Dragonlance novel by Dan Parkinson

"DM: You find yourselves in Lothlorien, the home of elvendom on earth, where there is no weariness or sign of decay. Merry: Bah. It's just a bunch of people who won't share their trees with us. Boromir: Not only does this place not have an inn, it doesn't even have houses. They all live in trees. Aragorn: No shops or blacksmith either! Boromoir: Is this how they greet adventurers? "Welcome noble champions, feel free to sleep on our dirt, here are some pointy sticks." No shops, no sidequests, the people are snooty and we're sleeping on the ground beneath their spectacular treetop city of lights and music. These are the magical elves? These guys are jerks. Aragorn: You know what I'm thinking? Boromir: "Only you can promote forest fires?" Aragorn: Exactly."

- DM of the Rings

"Neroon: I was taught the pike by Durhann himself. Marcus Cole: Really? So was I."

- Babylon 5

"See you in hell."

- Sheridan blowing up the Black Star, Babylon 5

"Red Mage: Oh, it's good to see civilization again. Thief: Civilization? No. This is a collection of shanties built by monkeys. Establish a stable, unified society with ten thousand years of beautiful culture, and then we'll talk. Red Mage: Y'know, I've always been meaning to ask you something. If you elves are so great, why is your technology on par with humans even though you had a nine thousand year head start? Beat Panel Thief: It's. (Beat) That's how we like it. Red Mage: And how unified can elf society be if there was that outcast clan? They were fighting a shadow war to dissolve your kingdom. Black Mage: One of them poisoned your dad. Red Mage: In fact, wasn't the throne nearly usurped by them had it not been for our extremely non-elfy intervention? Thief: No more questions. The answers would only further confuse your simple minds."

- 8-Bit Theater

"No wonder you have to hit them over the head with a battleship squadron before they take you seriously."

- Vilani, Traveller: Intersteller Wars

"Hey, you know what really gets under my skin? Proverbially, of course? A century of wizards looking down their damn noses at me. Energy Drain! I know people think I'm stupid. Because I'm not a wizard. Because I get bored easily. Because I have no interest in strategy or tactics or contingency planning. Energy Drain! But see, I've learned a lot over the years since I died. A lot more than I learned during my life. And now I see that planning doesn't matter. Strategy doesn't matter. Only two things matter: Force in as great a concentration as you can manage, and style. And in a pinch, style can slide. Energy Drain! In any battle, there's always a level of force against which no tactics can succeed. For example, all I need to do is keep smacking you with Energy Drains, and soon you won't be able to cast any of your fancy spells at all. Energy Drain! Because yes, I am a sorceror - and this magic is in my bones, not cribbed off of "Magic for Dummies." And I can keep casting the same friggin' spell at you until you roll over and die. You can have your finely-crafted watch - give me the sledgehammer to the face any day. ENERGY DRAIN!"

- Xykon, The Order of the Stick: Start of Darkness

"And I don't know why you felt so justified In all the degradation that you dished on me Oh! Now my status has changed And you've got yourself to blame Oh! I'll grab all the attention I crave Now I'm running Hell, and Heaven won't be the same"

- Hell Is Home, Judas Priest

"As a rule, elves are both beautiful and graceful -- and they know it, too, which is my major problem with the manky little gits."

- "Wulf", in Heart of the Lion 3: The Red and The Green, by Anthony Pryor-Brown

"The fact is that most elves are arrogant snots. Elves are long-lived, beautiful, intelligent, skilled in magic, capable of producing amazing works of art and astonishing architecture, terrifying in war, and -- as most outsiders note immediately upon meeting them -- deeply and sincerely convinced that all non-elves are pond scum. Humans are short-lived, vulgar little monkeys; dwarves are short, ugly, dirt-grubbers; wolfen are animals; orcs and goblins are lower than cockroaches, and just as deserving of quick extermination; kaitians are pretty but stupid; centaurs are freaks, though they can be useful as allies; nymen, throgs, ogres, jarreks, and all the other races are hulking mutants, cursed by the gods, and living in utter misery since they can't be just like the elves."

- "Wulf", in Heart of the Lion 3: The Red and The Green, by Anthony Pryor-Brown

"I've always wondered why elves, both light and dark, have such long lives, but continue to have so little sense. It puzzles me to this day."

- "Wulf", in Heart of the Lion 3: The Red and The Green, by Anthony Pryor-Brown

"People in the know will tell you never to trust an elf. Whatever he or she tells you is invariably only part of the truth, and their true motivation is probably a complex web of secrets, half-truths, hidden agendas, wheels within wheels within wheels, and so on."

- "Wulf", in Heart of the Lion 3: The Red and The Green, by Anthony Pryor-Brown