Worse Than Death Series

The original Worse Than Death started out as a simple, crack-filled, and not that serious Hellsing Alternate Universe Fanfic created by Blacksand1 (known here as Miyu Miyu 2) that spared the Valentine Brothers and had them work for Hellsing. But through the use of Crack Pairs, Loads and Loads of Characters, Opposite Sex Clones, and the premise going way overboard, it became an epic of sorts spanning two stories and even getting some fanart here and there.

The writing is mediocre, there are too many Original Characters, and there are some things that just flat out don't make sense, and yet people seemed to like it. And thus a sequel was born and hastily killed.

Read the first one here and the second one here.

A rewrite is planned for later in the year.

Featured Tropes:
"Dmitri: I AM GENERAL DMITRI AND YOU ARE DEAD!!!"
 * Absurdly Sharp Blade: GC's swords, the blades on SS's bayonets, Anderson's bayonets (Duh), and that's just to name a few.
 * Action Girl: If you are female on the side of 'good', this is what you are. No exceptions.
 * All Your Base Are Belong to Us: Done pre-story and later down the line for the heroes (But this is Hellsing, So Yeah) in the first story, then once again in the beginning of the second
 * Aloof Ally: After the attack on London  is this to Hellsing for all of five minutes before they're basically forced into semi-permanently allying with Hellsing for their next move.
 * Always Save the Girl: Gender-flipped in the second story, Yumie in regards to when he's taken captive.
 * All There in the Manual: Chances are most of the original characters were given an official bio, and it's floating around somewhere on the internet.
 * Attention Whore: Yadviga has some attention grabbing tendencies, especially in fights where she does the most over the top things to get people to look at her. According to her official bio, this was why she died her hair purple.
 * Badass: Nearly every single named character gets an instance of Badassery.
 * Badass Abnormal: Both Pip and Yumie become this via methods of Emergency Transformation. Zinaida as well, since she was said to be pretty badass before becoming basically immortal through the use of [QUANTUM PHYSICS THEORY. Kya becomes one after, though being a hiccup of nature she wasn't all that normal to begin with.
 * Badass Adorable: SCHRÖDINGER of all people, but only shown after, along with his Expy in Serp Zuba Stepan. The latter can actually become even MORE adorable by . Yadviga, Luna, and Verona count too, since the three girls are all too old to be Little Miss Badass.
 * Badass Army: The combined forces of Hellsing and Iscariot amount to this, while Serp Zuba is this all on its own.
 * Badass Boast: The shortest in history coming from Dmitri.


 * Badass Crew: If you have a name, have some fighting ability, and aren't irredeemably evil, chances are you're either part of the Hellsing-Iscariot team or you're going to join it soon.
 * Badass Family: Subverted. Alucard, Seras, Pip and constitute as a family in that Seras is Alucard's fledgling, Pip is hers, and  is his. Zinaida, Valik,  are also a subversion in the fact that none of them are blood related, and they all just consider each other family.
 * Badass Longcoat: Besides all the canon examples, there's Zinaida with a dark green greatcoat, Mircea/Cal with cassocks, Luna and Verona with dark gray greatcoats, and with a brown trench coat.
 * Badass Labcoat: Dok actually goes through two. There's the one he has in canon, and a black one that comes with.
 * Badass Normal: Heinkell retains her status as this even with longer hair and more cleavage, Dok Took a Level In Badass to become one, Kya is basically one, we all know Integra is one, and Maxwell is revealed to be one as well. Amedea, Mircea and Cal count too.
 * Bastian is a technical example, at least among Millennium, since the only things differentiating him from the typical soldiers are his different choice in uniform and habit to get mixed up with The Ditzes and The Stoic.
 * Badass Preacher: As of this series, EVERYONE in Iscariot. Maxwell included.
 * Baddie Flattery: are quite fond of this, and do a lot more of it than normal in the epilogue.
 * The Baroness: Zinaida and have shades of this, while  is the only one of the two that actually does any torturing that isn't psychological.
 * Berserk Button: Call human, and you will soon find yourself ripped into itsy bitsy pieces. The same goes for Luke if you make a pass at Integra,  if you threaten Zinaida, and Major if you are Russian.
 * Beware the Nice Ones: See those two girls there? The ones with the Anime Hair, randomly Italian-sounding names, collective intelligence of a spoon and collective attention span of a brain-damaged rabbit? Mess with Millennium's Only Sane Man, and they will bring the hurt.
 * Big Badass Wolf: Hans of course, Irina, . Stepan is a subversion; he turns into a little badass wolf.
 * Big Damn Heroes: Played straight more times than any normal person can count. Subverted a grand total of once;.
 * BFG: Irina's unnamed weapon, Valik's gun, the Varis, and the Belial.
 * Birds of a Feather: Luke and Integra. They look similar, both have a sense of pride and dignity, are both quite intelligent, and both are pretty sane for their insane surroundings.
 * Bond Villain Stupidity: In the second,
 * The Cavalry: Iscariot in the final battle of the first story, though they come in about midway.
 * The Chains of Commanding: Integra is heavily implied to be suffering from schizophrenia (that keeps her from dating), most likely stemming from the stress of having to lead a vampire hunting organization since she was a child.
 * Children Are Innocent: Not if Millennium has anything to say about it. Lo and behold, S.S.
 * Cloudcuckoolander: Luna and Verona are half this half The Ditz.
 * Commie Nazis: Subverted; after a bit of hating each other, the Fascists and the Communists willingly ally themselves instead of just being a landmass of evil all on their own.
 * Cuffs Off Rub Wrists: Averted in the second;
 * Curb Stomp Battle: Seras Alucard Jan Luke and GC vs. Vampire Cows/SWAT Team/Tubalcain Alhambra/ANYONE, Jan and Alucard vs. Rip Van Winkle, Yadviga vs. Zorin, Hans vs. Amedea, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
 * Daddys Girl: G.C. is something of a parody of this, since upon her first appearance she considers nearly every adult male in the group to be her surrogate father and adores them instantly. This behavior is quickly shoved under the table later, implying she didn't really mean it. Zinaida plays this a little straighter, since the only things she loves more than her surrogate father are  and war.
 * Dark Action Girl: If you are female and align yourself with Millennium and/or Serp Zuba, this is what you are. No exceptions.
 * Deliberately Cute Child: G.C. is implied to be this, as is Stepan.
 * Demoted to Extra: Heinkell is hardly even talked about after chapter seventeen of the first story, just being something of placeholder in the crew.
 * The Ditz: Luna and Verona are half this half Cloudcuckoolander.
 * Divergent Character Evolution: Most of the named members of Serp Zuba were deliberately just expies and foils of the canon characters, but through the stories some of them became much different and developed on their own. The one character that didn't develop much was Stepan, and that was because he was never really seen outside of fights and Serp Zuba's introduction scene.
 * Drama Bomb Finale: Though having action and some romantic things, the first story stays funny and crack-filled through the war and up to the last few chapters, where the funny is stashed in the closet for action and drama. The second story follows the tone set by the end of the last story, any attempts to revert to the crack and fun of the last story being met with strange looks instead of hilarity.
 * Emotional Maturity Is Physical Maturity: G.C. uses this as something of an excuse for her behavior, justifying it by saying that Millennium created her fifty-five years ago, but she's only been actively alive for seven of them. Never mind the fact that she looks like she's about twelve…
 * Establishing Character Moment: From the minute you see her, you can tell exactly what kind of character Zinaida is going to be.
 * Even Bad Women Love Their Adoptive Vampire Fathers.
 * Evil Laugh: Zinaida does this for no real reason when she introduces herself to Millennium.
 * Expy: Stepan, for starters…
 * Four Star Badass: Zinaida.
 * Funetik Aksent: Everyone Russian or German, though the author gives up on writing the Russian accents out around the second to last chapters..
 * Good Costume Switch: Played straight with changes to a black version of his normal outfit plus an eyepatch after his Heel Face Turn, and oddly averted with Schrödinger, since I think you'd want to throw out the whole Hitler Youth Uniform.
 * Good Is Not Nice: Nearly all of the Hellsing crew.
 * Handicapped Badass: Pip, Integra, and Dok are all missing an eye. They can still kick ass. Dmitri is missing a thumb. Doesn't stop him from pulling organs out of people.
 * Heroic Bastard: Both Jan and Luke.
 * Heroic Sociopath: Nearly everyone on the 'good' side has their moments.
 * Heterosexual Life Partners: Mircea and Cal.
 * Historical Hero Upgrade: Subverted, since, but according to they act exactly the same as their past counterparts.
 * Historical Villain Upgrade: probably wasn't as much of a douche as he is here..
 * Hot Blooded: Two words. Jan Valentine.
 * Implausible Fencing Powers: G.C. Just… GC.
 * Immortal Immaturity: G.C. and Schrödinger play this straight while Stepan is something of a subversion, alternating between being childish, mature, and something in between.
 * Luna and Verona are odd cases, since they're forty-five chronologically, seventeen bodily, and will forever be about five (and afflicted with ADHD) mentally.
 * S.S. is an inversion, since she's chronologically one but acts like an (emotionless) adult.
 * Improbable Age: Kya is about fifteen, yet she was a member of a terrorist organization before being forced defection number over nine thousand.
 * Indy Ploy: The closest the protagonists have ever come to a plan is tracking the enemy down via improbably deductive reasoning and Storming the Castle.
 * Indy Escape: The end of the first story has everyone running like hell from an explosion.
 * Informed Judaism:.
 * Intergenerational Friendship: After G.C. stops considering every older character a parent, this becomes her relationship with most everyone.
 * Katanas Are Just Better: G.C.'s motto.
 * Kid Appeal Character: G.C. plays this trope annoyingly straight when she isn't fighting. Although, it's implied that she purposefully acts like the typical kid sidekick character because Millennium wouldn't condone such behavior, a la S.S.
 * Little Miss Badass: G.C. and S.S. play this straight, gender and all, while Stepan and Schrödinger are male equivalents. Luna and Verona have the mentality of younger children while being much older, so it's possible that they count.
 * Living Forever Is Awesome: Though they don't outright say the trope word for word, none of the good characters angst over being immortal. Probably because there's so goddamn many of them that they don't need to angst over leaving people behind, and they won't have to move about since they're tied to one organization.
 * Magnetic Hero: Integra seems to be this AND subversion, since she forced three Millennium soldiers into defecting and took in a fourth as a technical prisoner.
 * Manipulative Bastard: See above.
 * Mexican Standoff: A brief one at the end of chapter twenty with all the Serp Zuba and Millennium soldiers pointing their weapons at the crew.
 * Morality Pet: and Zinaida are this to each other, oddly.
 * Muggle Born of Mages: Kya is a human, but her parents were vampires. Subverted in that this actually gave her a disease, since nature apparently wants to eliminate anything that isn't of the natural order.
 * Naughty Is Good: G.C. and Schrödinger, when you get down to it, are ill-behaved brats. And yet they're members of the Badass Crew.
 * Nice Job Breaking It Hero: In the second,.
 * No One Gets Left Behind: A rather weird version of it takes place; Walter.
 * Normally I Would Be Dead Now: Subverted; Kya Played a little more straight in the second,.
 * Not So Stoic: These moments become increasingly frequent for S.S. as the stories wind down, almost all of them taking place when she's fighting G.C. or some other opponent.
 * Odd Friendship: Only Sane Man Badass Normal Bastian, The Stoic Opposite Sex Clone of the resident God Mode Sue S.S., and the ditzy cloudcuckoolanders Luna and Verona make for an odd trio.
 * The Older Immortal: Alucard of course,.
 * Older Than They Look: G.C., Luna, Verona, and Bastian all count for this; they're all in their fifties/forties, but look and act much younger.
 * Ominous Walk: Done by Stepan of all people.
 * One Man Army: She. Oh my GOD, She.
 * One Sided Battle: Either subverted or averted, since we're never really told who's winning, all we ever know is that the two or three sides are fighting.
 * Only Sane Man: Bastian.
 * Opposites Attract: Probably the reasoning behind Jan and Rip Van Winkle, Yumie and Pip, and many of the other crack pairings in this thing.
 * Out of Character: By. The. Truckload.
 * Outrun the Fireball: Played straight at the very end of the first.
 * Put On a Bus:
 * Really Seven Hundred Years Old: Zinaida (101), (527), (Let's see, how old is the Earth?), and those are just the extreme cases.
 * Redemption Promotion: Dok and Schrödinger actually learn how to fight after they both have a, Luke and Jan take several levels in badass after their forced defection, Rip figures out more creative ways to use her bullets after hers, there's too much more to list.
 * Resignations Not Accepted: Subverted with Millennium; all the fear of defection is instilled by being burned by the FREAK chips, and those are apparently easy to remove. Played straight, however, with Hellsing. Mystical bindings to one organization and one alone are a bit tougher to break than FREAK chips.
 * Revolvers Are Just Better: Yadviga uses this and uses it well, with THREE REVOLVERS, firing one with her TONGUE.
 * Scarily Competent Tracker: Nearly every vampire character has this ability, being able to figure out exactly where another one of their kind is just by searching for their thoughts.
 * Screw This I'm Outta Here: Anderson in the first story..
 * Shipper On Deck: Yadviga.
 * Smoke Out: Zorin uses a version of this in the second, instead sending up a plume of dust to disguise her escape.
 * Spell My Name With a The: Anderson is constantly referred to as The Anderson by the author/narrator.
 * Storming the Castle: Literally.
 * Swiss Army Appendage: Jan's shadow arm.
 * Talkative Loon: The author herself. The last thing she says before every chapter is some sort of weird quote.
 * Ten Minute Retirement: Anderson.
 * The Rest Shall Pass: The Hellsing crew is constantly being split up during gigantic fight scenes to fight their respective rivals/whoever important that's left over. At the end of the huge battle they find some way to group together again, or they meet up in small groups that keep growing and growing as they find more of their teammates until the gang's all here again.
 * Twitchy Eye: Maxwell.
 * Verbal Tic: Jaqueline's "I Wonder I Wonder" (also a Shout Out) at the end of every sentence, no exceptions. Guess how quickly the readers stop tolerating it.
 * Villainous Breakdown: Zinaida, after.
 * Violence Is the Only Option: The Hellsing crew's solution to everything that comes up in the story is to go find it and beat the everloving crap out of it.
 * Vitriolic Best Buds: This seems to be the relationship between Hellsing and Iscariot, at least in this 'verse.
 * Whip It Good: Luna's weapon is a bull whip.
 * Wouldn't Hurt a Child: Averted. GC gets in a few fights with the older characters, and they see no shame in fighting back against a child.
 * World of Badass: There's not a character in the cast that can't kick ass, from the named characters to the mooks.
 * Younger Than They Look: S.S. is about one years old according to supplementary material. She looks twelve and acts about twenty.)