Preacher (Comic Book)/Funny

""I-- I can explain." (Gunshot) (Cut back to Cassidy telling the story to a laughing Jesse.) Cassidy: "An' if you thought that was funny, you shoulda seen his expression when I stood up an' ran away.""
 * Pretty much everything Herr Starr says. The further he is into his Villainous Breakdown, the better it gets.
 * "I also want to know where I can find a very experienced whore."
 * "Buggery-FUCK!"
 * "Prime Minister, how much does it cost to piss in your mouth?"
 * "My cock is in the bitch's mouth. And not in a good way,"
 * "BRING ME THE HEAD OF BILL FUCKING GATES!"
 * "Moving fucking walkway, Granny Fuck!"
 * "Oh, I forgot to mention. He's bulimic."
 * "Bob Glover. Freddy Allen. Sexual Investigators!"
 * To be more specific, what they do to Starr: "There's no use strugglin', lad! You're gettin' it up the choccy starfish!"
 * Speaking of Starr, doesn't he ask Margaret Thatcher at a party: " No, really."
 * And a nine-panel page of Starr practicing his Travis Bickle in front of a mirror: "Doom cock!.... DOOM cock!.... Dooooooom cock!"
 * "Well, I'm going to spend some time with my scrotum. We may as well enjoy our last couple of hours together."
 * IMPROPER USE OF INVERTED COMMAS, HOOVER! IMPROPER USE OF INVERTED COMMAS!
 * "Like if I was to call you an illiterate fucking cum-sodden dickrag, you would write -- HERR STARR COMMA WITH HIS USUAL SEARING INSIGHT COMMA TODAY REFERRED TO ME AS OPEN QUOTES AN ILLITERATE FUCKING CUM HYPHEN SODDEN DICKRAG CLOSE QUOTES PERIOD!" - Herr Starr explaining to Hoover the proper use of inverted commas.
 * "You turned me into a Homosexual, you unbelievable prick!"
 * "Gaze upon the face of war!"
 * "Can you really see any of these people calling the police? 'It was terrible, officer. There I was, jamming a syringe full of heroin into my eyeball while fellating a billygoat, when these men burst in and started shooting people. Aren't we even safe at our own orgies anymore?'"
 * And then there's his summary of Proud Americans for the benefit of Featherstone: "Oh, well let me see:
 * "Featherstone, could you see yourself kneeling behind me with a sawfish and thrusting it into my rectum yelling 'WHO'S THE MAN, WHO'S THE MAN'? Because that's currently the only way I can achieve even a glimmer of sexual satisfaction."
 * And then there's Johnny Lee Wombat's Precision F-Strike In Space
 * After Jesse catches a punch thrown by a vampire, and tells him to hit the bricks. "Oh... and can one of you drive me to the hospital? I think I just broke every bone in my hand."
 * Jake O'Hare and friends, surprise (not least to themselves) equal ops feminists.
 * Cassidy, after he becomes a vampire, tries to feed on a sheep and lands just behind it in a suggestive position by complete accident just as the armed farmer who owns the sheep shows up.

"Eccarius: Come. We must away. This is no place for the likes of us. We are expected at a gathering beneath the streets, and we must hasten, and go down.
 * In the "Blood and Whiskey" one-shot Cassidy meets Eccarius, a Purple Prose -spouting vampire posuer. Eccarius is so self-obsessed that much of what he says falls into this, mostly because it makes him sound massively gay:

Cassidy(interrupted while trying to pick up a barmaid for a date): er...

Eccarius: There our familiars await us(le Enfents du Sang, Eccarius' human groupies), far away from prying eyes. There we may commit the dark and secret acts that our kind long for, safe from hindrance and persecution. COME, my friend! The night awaits!

Cassidy(to the barmaid): It's... it's not what yeh think.

Barmaid: I like his Batman outfit."

"Eccarius: The morning sun brought agonizing fire and I slipped beneath the water my assailant had emerged from, and nevermore saw that killing yellow eye. No, nor did I meet the other again, who set me free from life: and trapped me in the night forever.
 * Or, later:

Cassidy: SHOW YOUR TITS! SHOW YOUR TITS!

Eccarius: Come. We are already late. A solemn underworld awaits our pleasure.

Cassidy: TWENTY BUCKS IF YEH RUB HAAGEN-DAZS ALL OVER THEM!"

"Martha Moore: "I... I... Oh God--!"
 * When Jesse gets fed up with the infantile antics of two radio commentators talking about the nuking in the desert, he calls the radio station and uses the Voice of God on them to force them to "quit yellin' slogans at each other like a couple of Goddamned parrots an just TELL US WHAT THEY REALLY WANT?" Their responses are even more hilarious than what they were saying before.

Moderator: "Martha?"

Martha: "COCK! Cock, cock, I NEED COCK! Oh Christ, poetry's not enough anymore! It's got to be cock! I WANT COCK, DAMMIT! I WANT COCK!"

Moderator: "...Well, isn't that a surprise! How about you, Ulysses?"

Ulysses Gett: "Mm?"

Moderator: "Ulysses?"

Ulysses: "Er... (smaller) I want cock too...""

"Cassidy: Well why can't we just take turns?
 * The Sexual Investigators' try to take down Cassidy. Cassidy punches one of them so hard that his fist gets stuck in the guy's mouth, knocking out all of the guy's teeth. Meanwhile, Bob is trying to anally rape Cass, so Cass throws him out a window with his pants down around his knees. Bob lands on top of a car and is knocked unconscious. He wakes up just in time for a Car Chase, which just cranks it up to gigglingly absurd. He ends up out cold with his pants still down, hanging from the branch (Or is it crotch?) of a tree.
 * As you read, remember that this is being delivered completely deadpan in the book: "Things proceeded on, as they normally do, until the day that T.C. fucked the chicken."
 * "And remember kids, keep f*** ing that chicken."
 * I'm surprised nobody's mentioned the kid from the first book, who swears revenge on Jesse after his dad kills himself! "I shall be... ARSEFACE!"
 * A rare comic book version of an Overly Long Gag. One entire page contains nine identical panels of Herr Starr looking at himself in the mirror, staring at his brand new scar that makes his bald head look like a penis. In the last one, he says "Shit".
 * The next issue has an entire page containing nine identical panels of Herr Starr looking at himself in the mirror, trying on wigs. In the last one, he says "Plan B".
 * Nine pages later is an entire page containing nine identical panels of Herr Starr looking at himself in the mirror, trying on hats. The third one is a pith helmet with a swastika. "Very funny, Featherstone." The sixth one is a black fedora. "Too 'Gestapo'". The ninth one is a red-banded white panama hat. "Hmmm".
 * Jesse, Cassidy, and Tulip have all bought cassettes for the long drive to New Orleans. Jesse and Tulip don't like Cassidy's (the Clash), so they put in Jesse's (Elvis Presley). Jesse and Tulip are pleased, but not Cassidy, so they put in Tulip's. Cue a preacher with the power of God's voice and a ninety-year-old vampire looking on in stark horror as Tulip sings along to gangsta rap.

Tulip: Because we loathe each other's taste in music, that's why...

Jesse: Or it scares the hell out of us. (Eventually they just start singing along to Irene Cara's "What a Feeling")"

"Mr. O'Hare: Well Mrs. Carlyle, the Wright boy ambushed my little way on her way home from school on Monday. Took all her comic books and candy she only just bought. There was him and four of his damn gang, ma'am-- Pardon my french. What else was she s'posed to do, 'cept wait him out and crack his skull when his back was turned?
 * Overlapping with a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, we have Li'l Tulip's "revolver incident" while learning to shoot with her dad. Also, Daddy O'Hare's... singular views about school violence.

Mrs. Carlyle: All the same, Mr. O'Hare, I simply cannot let Tulip off with this. You must understand--

Mr. O'Hare: Well hell, can't you at least get her onto that damn team now? I mean how about that swing, huh? Pardon my french, ma'am."