Hogwarts Exposed

"Warnings: Yes, this fic has warnings. Excessive nudity, language, torture, pedophilia, voyeurism, watersports, scat, sex, rape, and rage-inducing topics. This fic should not be read by children or other living things. EVER."

- Warning for the sporking of the first of the series.

Long before Rose graced the Harry Potter fandom, there was another Fix Fic series that centered around nudism. Impossible, you say? Hoooo boy, don't we wish.

Written by a fellow by the name of Neil, the series starts off innocently enough, though with a clear Hermione/Harry coupling and the fact that Neil chose to use another fanfic as his canon, making it basically fanfiction of fanfiction. Then two Sues by the names of Jamie and Caitlin show up and things go downhill. You see, Jamie is from a family of naturists and begins to preach to Hermione and Harry (who are her professors at Hogwarts) about how oppressive and hateful she thinks clothes are. Caitlin is raped by Madame Hooch, adopted by Hermione, and befriended by Jamie. She quickly picks up nudist ways from Jamie and convinces Hermione and Harry to adapt to that lifestyle as well. We are then treated to an endless description of naked, underaged girls, rape, attempted rape, speeches on how terrible clothes are, unhealthy fixations on genitalia, and sex. Lots and lots of sex. And that's just the first story. Hermione and Harry are eventually married and also adopt Jamie and her "extremist nudist" sister Emily and befriend a shy Slytherin girl named Kim, all of whom also end up taking up naturism.

In between the nudism, there is a plot being run by the new Minister of Magic Emma Wrong, Madame Hooch, Crabbe, Goyle, and a man named Damien, to bring Salazar Slytherin back to life.

A sporking of Hogwarts Exposed can be found here. A sporking of Hogwarts Too Exposed: A Slytherin Among Us can be found here. A sporking of Hogwarts Overexposed can be found here.

Not to be confused with Hogwarts Exposed Timeline


 * Angst? What Angst?: The Mary Sues get over their rapes or brushes with rape rather quickly, which is very creepy, especially in the case of Caitlin (imagine Pollyanna from ''The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, only played straight). The only one who shows any sign of post-traumatic stress is lectured and guilted by her best friend into going back to nudism and having sex.
 * Arranged Marriage: Balla Buster had one of those.
 * Attention Whore: Good God, Lyra!
 * Author Appeal: Pretty much the entire thing. Worst offenders are the characters peeing themselves, the girls having shaved crotches, and the girl-on-girl bits.
 * Be a Whore To Get Your Man: In Hogwarts Too Exposed, Hermione goes on a dinner date with Harry, wearing a dress that is so sheer, she is practically topless. The girls do this as well, though granted they dress like strippers anyway. Ginny tries this in the first fic on Harry, to no avail, and is told off by Hermione, even though Hermione would go on to do the same thing.
 * Beyond the Impossible: So you made it through the first fic...and now there's three more to go. Each one worse than the last. Really.
 * Big Bad: Salazar Slytherin
 * Big Brother Is Watching: Apparently the Ministry of Magic has a spell that lets them monitor if a girl's hymen breaks before she is fifteen, to prevent underage sex. It is never explained if this counts for it breaking in non-sexual situations.
 * Bi the Way: Emily, at least according to her preference in ice cream flavor. There's also the oral sex scene and naked showering, though Neil tries his hardest to convince us that it's "innocent".
 * Broken Aesop: Amanda's near rape at the abortion clinic happened because "bad things happen to good people in stories to help character development and to teach lessons to characters that they otherwise would not have learned". The only reason she went ahead with it, however, was because her boyfriend (who scoped out the place ahead of time) failed to inform her of how shady and unsafe the place clearly was.
 * Camp Gay: Rishard Simone
 * Character Derailment: Harry and Hermione are soppily in love, Ginny is a sex-obsessed whore, Snape is the sensitive headmaster of Hogwarts who is madly in love with Ginny, Luna is running a magazine called "Playwizard", Ron is a werewolf who cheated on Hermione and served time in Azkaban and Malfoy had an affair with an American witch while under the name "Cedric Diggory", only to later marry Ginny. And that's just for starters.
 * Chickification: Luna, who goes from her awesome canon self to running Playwizard and pining for a baby of her own, certain that no man will ever want to sleep with her. Moaning Myrtle, of all characters, also gets this, lamenting how she died before ever having sex and begging to be allowed to watch Jamie and Alex have sex as a result.
 * Completely Missing the Point: When Caitlin and Emily have oral sex, Harry wonders if he and Hermione ought to be worried about it. Hermione launches into a speech about how it's just experimenting and it's normal for girls to want to blow each other and they certainly aren't gay. She fails to make any mention of whether or not they should be worried that Caitlin and Emily are thirteen and twelve respectively and engaging in oral sex.
 * Contrived Coincidence: Usually happens to cause the characters to shed their clothes.
 * Did Not Do the Bloody Research: Happens quite often, due to the American author trying badly to sound British. One notable example is in Hogwarts Overexposed, when Caitlin mentions that a magical animal tried to "bugger" her. "Bugger" means to sodomize and the animal had grabbed her vagina.
 * Easy Evangelism: For nudism, of all things
 * Everybody Has Lots of Sex: Dear lord yes!
 * Good Girls Avoid Abortion: Apparently abortion is illegal in the wizarding world. When Amanda goes to get one, she is nearly raped by the abortionist.
 * Hot for Teacher: Jamie plans to give Harry the "gift" of her virginity because he saved her parents from Voldemort's Death Camp and thus indirectly saved her life. Thankfully, he talks her out of it.
 * IKEA Erotica: Very much so
 * Incest Is Relative: Okay, so Caitlin and Emily are technically sisters by adoption and not blood. That same feel is there when they perform oral sex on each other.
 * Mary Sue: A good many
 * Purity Sue: Hermione, Caitlin, and Jamie, who are all stunningly beautiful and wise beyond their years. Hermione and Caitlin both have non-canon Empathy powers and Jamie actually turns into a unicorn as her Animagus form.
 * Jerk Sue: Emily. While she doesn't really beat people up, her various pranks on the shy Kim (including tricking Kim into sitting in a position so that an unfamiliar boy can look up her shorts) are very cruel. Her "extreme nudism" is probably also grounds for sexual harassment.
 * Relationship Sue: Sam, for Ron. Alex, Matt, Evan, Randy, Brian, Roger and Tyler for Jamie, Caitlin, Emily, and Kim.
 * May-December Romance: The twelve-year-old Emily and the twenty-year-old Roger.
 * Meaningful Name: Perhaps the only redeeming feature of the series. It's pretty easy to guess what sort of people Emma Wrong, Ebenezer Bullchip, and Phineas Buster and his wife Balla are.
 * Nausea Fuel: So very, very much. Keep in mind that for almost all of the rape, sex, and nudism, the girls are about twelve.
 * New Powers As the Plot Demands: Hermione and Caitlin's Hyperempath abilities, along with Emily's Seer powers.
 * Toy Ship: Evan and Caitlin.
 * Obviously Evil: The abortionist keeps evil-looking masks, spiked instruments, and human bones in his clinic and makes comments about how he gives discounts for girls who are "easy on the eyes". For some reason Tony doesn't see fit to mention this when he arranges for Amanda to get an abortion there.
 * Our Werewolves Are Different: Apparently werewolves can't Apparate despite doing so in canon and are extremely horny before transforming. To the point at which Ron has sex with Sam thirty four times and starts to eye up Harry.
 * Psychic Link: Hermione and Caitlin, again.
 * Ron the Death Eater: The author makes no secret of the fact that he dislikes the Ron/Hermione and Ginny/Harry pairing. Ron starts off as a werewolf who just came out of Azkaban and was dumped by Hermione after he cheated constantly on her. Ginny, meanwhile is a horrible slut who toys with both Snape and Malfoy and ends up teaching the Sex Ed classes. On a more...unique note, Madame Hooch is a child molesting rapist who is working for the evil Emma Wrong.
 * Sickeningly Sweethearts: Harry and Hermione, Jamie and Alex
 * Rape Is the New Dead Parents: Happens to Caitlin upon her introduction to the story. Also nearly happens to Jamie, in her backstory, Kim, and Hermione.
 * Rouge Angles of Satin: Constantly, which is odd because Neil constantly credits at least three betas at the end of every chapter.
 * Screaming Birth: Played straight with Amanda, averted with Hermione (though she does anticipate it).
 * Shallow Love Interest: Pretty much everyone in a relationship act like they're in a porno and have the personality of cardboard. Probably the worst are Sam and Hermione.
 * Sex Equals Love: With a ceremony and everything.
 * Shilling the Wesley: Emily is Neil's favorite character, which means we're supposed to agree with her when she dresses like a stripper to attract the attention of a twenty-year-old man (while she herself is twelve) and then insists that their love is Pure and Innocent.
 * The Complainer Is Always Wrong: Despite going on about how they understand that nudism isn't for everyone, the girls constantly look down their noses at people who are offended by their walking around naked. Ron gets it pretty bad as well. A prime example would be Hogwarts Underexposed, when he is the only character to be uncomfortable with Hogwarts' new optional clothing policy. When he tells Sam that he wants Timmy and herself to be clothed, he's instantly treated by Sam, Harry, and Hermione, as a terrible prude who was channeling the "controlling" Mrs. Weasley.
 * The Unfair Sex: Sam is constantly making Ron uncomfortable by walking around naked and arguing that he should be naked, yet he is treated as being unreasonable for not wanting to join in on the nudism. Likewise, the girls constantly gossip happily about male genitalia and sex, but when Caitlin's boyfriend asks for her to consider wearing a longer skirt because he's not comfortable with strangers having a view of her privates, she considers him horribly controlling and dumps him.
 * Unfortunate Implications: Harry's naked tickling sessions with his underage, adopted daughters.
 * Virtually every woman in the series wants to see/touch a naked guy, have sex, hear about what it's like to have sex, or be a guy.
 * When Hermione is pregnant, she is heavily pressured by Caitlin to receive "Hyperempath massages", which would involve Caitlin massaging and rubbing everywhere on Hermione's body. Hermione, understandably, is uncomfortable with this, but Caitlin refuses to take "no" for an answer. The big reason for these massages? Because she doesn't want Hermione to get wrinkly or saggy or have varicose veins after the pregnancy, heaven forbid. And when Hermione appeals to Harry to back her up, he basically drools at the thought of her staying hot and offers no support at all.
 * In what might be a case of Hide Your Lesbians, Caitlin and Emily perform mutual oral sex on each other; Emily can't stop ogling her shy eleven-year-old dormmate Kim, emotionally manipulating her into nudism--or, indeed, forcibly undressing her; and Kim fixates on Jamie's breasts. But, they hasten to reassure the readers, it's okay, because they aren't gay. They're just curious about each other's bodies! Riiiiiight.
 * Not to mention, but the Schoolgirl Lesbians Caitlin and Emily would be slightly less creepy if Caitlin was not continually going on about having been sexually abused and if they weren't adopted sisters of fourteen and twelve, respectively.
 * Wall Banger: A ton. One particular one happens in Hogwarts Overexposed, when a group of students are forced to take off all of their clothes to make a rope to climb trees. As opposed to using magic. Neil tries to Hand Wave it by pointing out canon's inconsistencies with conjuring, to explain why they didn't simply conjure rope. That still doesn't explain why they didn't use spells to levitate the students up.
 * What Could Have Been: According to Neil, he considered having Emily die with Jamie's parents.