Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon

""Locksley! When I get my hands on you, I'm going to carve your heart out with a spoon!""

- Sheriff of Nottingham, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

This trope is when a threat - usually a death threat - is played for laughs by being a bit, well, odd. This can include a threat that's unnecessarily long and convoluted, and the one making it gets a bit lost; or a threat that simply incorporates some really bizarre elements; or a pathetically nonthreatening sort of threat ("Do X, or I'll... give you some really evil looks when your back is turned!").

Sometimes, Fridge Logic makes the more bizarre elements even more terrifying. It's one thing to threaten someone with a sharp knife; those cut pretty quickly and can be almost painless (at first). However, going after someone with a spoon dictates hours of potential digging into a person very crudely to get the same effect.

Rusty cutlery seems to be a particular favorite, though.

This trope is usually seen in comedy, for obvious reasons. See also Cool and Unusual Punishment, for when these bizarre threats are actually effective. To the Pain is usually invoked if played seriously, "I'll Kill You!" when it's not so convoluted. "I Will Tear Your Arms Off!" is a specific Sub-Trope.

Anime and Manga
""I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR [Beep] AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP YOUR [Beep][Beepbeep][Beeep], AND THEN [Beeepbeepbeepbeeep][Beep] ON YOUR [Beepbeepbeep][Beeep] WITH [Beeep beep][Beeep] IN THE [Beep][Beeepbeeep] AND [Beepbeepbeepbeepbeep] YOU'LL [Beeepbeepbeep] SO THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO [Beep] SIDEWAYS!! [Beep]""
 * Fullmetal Alchemist: Ed says some random things whenever someone hits his Berserk Button. "I'll break off your legs and stick them on your head!"
 * "I'll turn you all into fish!"
 * Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series mixes this, the Cluster F-Bomb and Sound Effect Bleep, for:

"Kaiba: Time for a trip to the recycle bin, Phantom. And then once you're in the recycle bin, I'm going to right click on it and select "empty recycle bin". Because otherwise, you'll just be taking up unnecessary space. In other words, I'm going to kill you."
 * Don't forget:

"Kaiba: Oh, there'll be food, all right. So much food that you'll be STUFFED. Joey: Was that supposed to be a threat? Kaiba: I can't even remember anymore."
 * And:

"Kaiba: Look, I don't know what the [beep] is going on here, but you're on notice. I don't take kindly to kidnapping and attempted murder. But since you have a God card, I suppose I can allow you to be in my tournament finals. However, try anything funny and I'll probably issue you a stern warning and wag my finger at you. Then you'll be sorry."
 * Also:

"Gohan: I'M GOING TO EVISCERATE YOU AND USE GASTRO-INTESTINAL TRACT AS A CONDOM, WHILE I FORNICATE WITH YOUR SKULL!!! Nappa: What? Gohan: I'M GONNA SKULL [bleep] YOU!"
 * While on the subject of Abridged series, in Dragon Ball Abridged Gohan snaps after Piccolo dies:

"Haruhi: "Anyone accepting defeat will be punished by running 10 laps around the school! Naked! And you'll have to yell 'Green martians are chasing me' for the whole 10 laps!""
 * In the western (like, cowboy) Shojo manga Miriam, a crooked sheriff has the protagonists locked up on false charges. When they start complaining, he says he'll add to the charges if they don't shut up... then says he'll add things like stealing a hotel ashtray, cheating in cards, and hitting on girls in stores.
 * Suzumiya Haruhi managed to combine two of her chief preoccupations in this threat:

"Haruhi: "First, you are to leap up a wall with a dry salted fish in your mouth and fight for territory with other wild cats! And you have to wear cat ears while doing it!""
 * She does it again to Kyon when she thinks he wrote an embarrassingly schmaltzy love-letter to Yuki.

"Inu-Yasha (to Sesshoumaru): I'm gonna rip your guts out and put them in a bowl!"
 * Nearly all of the threats she makes qualify somewhat, due to being so serious and over-the-top.
 * Inuyasha in English Dub:

""I'm gonna fuck that bitch, shoot her in the head, and fuck her there!!"
 * Hellsing had a few; most from Jan Valentine.

"Rosette (to The Elder): I'll kill you with this spoon!"
 * Fruits Basket: Manga - Yuki tells Kakeru he'll never speak to him again, and it's only just out of his mouth when he realizes how embarrassingly childish that sounds. Forunately, Kakeru is embarrassingly childish. Kakeru later threatens to make Yuki "walk through a red light district".
 * Not sure if it's different translations, but in this troper's Australian version, rather then threatening Kakeru with silence, Yuji threatens to 'break up with him.' Hilarity Ensues
 * Full Metal Panic! Fumoffu: when Tessa was spending some R&R in Jindai disguised as a US transfer student, Mardukas gave an ultimatum to Sousuke: if anything happens to her or he tries to take advantage of the situation by doing something dirty, he'll be loaded in the TDD-1's torpedo tube and launched. The Hungarian dub also mentions something about being thrown into the submarine's reactor until he glowed.
 * Originally, this was after threats of being forced to teach self-defense against people armed with bananas and doing the silly walk around the base.
 * The English dub of Chrono Crusade uses this in the first episode, literally with a spoon after The Elder looks up her skirt. She even attempts to do it, stabbing the spoon into the ground.

"Old Geezer: You step one foot out that door and I'll be standing by your pillow every night. (class returns to their seats) Old Geezer: What a damn buncha cowards."
 * In one of the latest chapter of Sket Dance, Agata was threatened by Saaya's "kidnapper" that if he doesn't come within the time limit for the next puzzle, 'he'll make Saaya rap'.
 * In one episode of Tantei Gakuen Q, Ryu responds to some bullies threatening Megumi by knocking one to the ground and putting a metal object to his throat. After the bullies fled, Ryu revealed that the object in question was a spoon, not a knife. Megumi later notes to herself that the expression on Ryu's face made her think that he could have killed the other boy with that spoon if he had wanted to.
 * In the first episode of Pani Poni Dash!, when Old Geezer's class is attempting to leave to bother the new teacher of the class next door:

Comics
"Jakita Wagner: You're going to tell me what your problem is, or I will find a very small hole and reenact your birth."
 * Vincent to Edaniel, in Bizenghast: "I am going to kill you right in the face."
 * Warren Ellis seems to have a talent with these. Take this example from Planetary:

""If I ever see you again, I'm going to shove my pointer-finger into your piss-hole, Dante Hicks!!! I'll tear your fucking scrotum off and your heart out and shove one into the other and feed them to you before you die, you sick fucking pervert!!!""
 * In the View Askewniverse comic Holiday Special, :

"Jon: Be careful there, Garfield. Hanging on the drapes can be very painful. 'CAUSE I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR LEGS IF YOU DON'T GET OFF THEM THIS INSTANT!"
 * In Walt Flanagan's Dog, Jay bursts into a string of threats when Randal calls him a "fucking junkie". Among other things, he threatens to "fucking tear off your sweaty sack and make you wear it like a fucking clown nose".
 * In The Sandman, the Carnifex of Aurelia threatens to pop Cluracan's eyes out with his thumbs and then piss in his sockets. A guard confirms that he's seen him do this.
 * Garth Ennis tends to have his characters follow these kinds of threats by actually carrying them out.
 * Jody from Preacher (Comic Book) threatens a Mook by saying he will "rip off yore head and have T.C. shit down the neck stump". Then he rips the guy's head off. Then T.C. shits down the neck stump.
 * Pittsy, a psychotic mobster from Punisher MAX threatens a CIA operative by saying he'll "cut [his] balls off and put 'em in a paper cup." The agent is next seen clutching his bloody groin with one hand and holding a blood dripping paper cup in the other.
 * In an early Garfield strip, Jon does this when he sees Garfield climbing on the drapes.

"Jon: You swallow and I'll tie a knot in your neck."
 * Another classic, Jon says that Garfield can have one bite of the roast chicken. Garfield proceeds to shove his mouth around the entire chicken at once.


 * Garfield has, on multiple occasions, threatened to remove Jon's lips. Once, he apparently made good on his threat.

Fanfic
"PJ: And if you even try swapping me for them, I'll punch you so fucking hard you'll be shitting your own teeth!"
 * In this Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Harry Potter fanfic, Willow informs Severus Snape that if he ever hurts Xander again, Buffy will remove Snape's spine with an ice pick.
 * One Gorillaz fic featured Russel informing Murdoc that if he didn't apologise to 2D, Russel would strangle him (Murdoc) with his own tongue. Murdoc didn't, so Russel did - this being Murdoc, it was within the realm of physical possibility.
 * Bag Enders: "If you don't tell me what's going on, I'll make you watch the entirety of Flipper. Twice."
 * In the Goof Troop fanfic Teaching Respect, PJ tells his father Pete what will happen if he starts abusing Peg and Pistol:

"Lockhart: CAN you beat someone to death with a paper napkin? Harry: *shrugs* I'll have fun trying."
 * In Oh God, Not Again, when Harry and Lockhart reach an agreement of sorts regarding the whole Obliviate thing, Harry adds that if he tries to steal one of his accomplishments, he'll beat him to death with a paper napkin.

"Tsunade: "And if you ever, ever, try something like what you pulled on the roof again, I'll rip out your spleen through your armpit, and shove it back in through your nose.""
 * The Naruto/The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time cross-over parody fic Ocarina of Konoha (found here), Kyuubi's weapon of choice is a spoon. Until it is later upgraded after the timeskip to a spork.
 * The Naruto fanfic Being Found has at least one of these in each of the last three chapters.
 * In chapter 13, after Naruto nearly kills himself while using a dozen exploding clones to utterly disintegrate the revived first and second Hokages:

"Haku: "And while I do not enjoy hurting people, if you ever do anything adverse to Naruto-kun, know that I will freeze the blood in your veins, and shatter your bones.""
 * In chapter 14, a female Haku (who was involved with Naruto) threatens Temari:

"Naruto: "It's not your fault, Shika, so stop blaming yourself before I punch you in the face so hard you crap out your eyeballs." Shikamaru: "That's not physically possible." Naruto: "Won't stop me from trying to prove you wrong.""
 * And in chapter 15, Naruto and Shikamaru have this exchange:

""But, as the Head Iryo-nin of Konoha Hospital, I can override you in medical matters. I will declare you unfit for duty, make you eat hospital food until Naruto-kun comes back, make you attend therapy where you will have to keep daily diary of your innermost feelings and play with a pink, squishy ball and wear green paper gown the whole time, carry out painful rectal examinations on you, let my interns use you as a practice dummy when they first learn acupuncture, confiscate all contraband literature and the new, experimental medication just might have the unfortunate side effect of erectile dysfunction.""
 * Another Naruto fanfic, Uprooted, has this little gem from Tsunade (directed at the Third Hokage):


 * Axis Powers Hetalia darkfic Mistakes has a Shout-Out to the far darker Gorn fic Debt. when China tells America to leave him alone or "I will rip your arms off with my bare hands and beat you to death with the wet ends".

Film
"Pirate Lord: "Shoot him [Barbossa]!" Another Pirate Lord: "Cut out his tongue!" Jack Sparrow: "Shoot him and cut out his tongue! Then shoot the tongue!... and trim that scraggly beard""
 * The Trope Namer, from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves: "I'm gonna cut his heart out with a spoon!" Exclaimed by the Sheriff of Nottingham. The Sheriff's Dragon lampshades the trope, asking why he doesn't use a more suitable implement. The Sheriff snaps, "Because it's dull, you twit! It'll hurt more!"
 * When he does kill the Dragon with a sword, the last words he says to him: "Well at least I didn't use a spoon."
 * Pirates of the Caribbean:

"Uh, betray us, and I will fong you, until your insides are out, your outsides are in, your entrails will become your extrails I will w-rip... all the p... ung. Pain, lots of pain."
 * Wat in A Knight's Tale does this rather passionately if not very eloquently:

"Grocer: I'm gonna put a bullet hole in your fuckin' forehead, and I'm gonna fuck the brain hole!"
 * Airheads: "I'll stab off your neck... With my dick!"
 * Team America: World Police: "If you don't [comply], we [The UN] will be very angry. And we will write a letter, telling you how angry we are."
 * Chris is a bit more specific in his threats to Gary. "If you fuck us out there I'll rip out your balls and shove them up your ass so the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls!" Or, "If you fuck us out there I'll drill holes through your dick so the next time you piss it comes out in all different directions!"
 * In The Chronicles of Riddick: "I'm going to kill you with my teacup." He does, too. Riddick then turns to the remaining Mooks and wordlessly holds up a can opener key, placing it in the same spot that his cup was sitting before. The mooks panic and flee.
 * Drill Sergeant Nasty Sergeant Hartman says some winners in Full Metal Jacket, such as "You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!'' and, "I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull fuck you!"
 * Parodied in The Simpsons by an angry tow-truck driver; "If I catch you on my turf, I'll rip off your head, vomit down your neck, rip out your heart, show your heart to your head, and shove 'em both down your neck-hole, to which I previously alluded."
 * Double Parodied in The Simpsons BY the aforementioned Drill Sergeant Nasty Sergeant Hartman actor R. Lee Ermey playing a "Colonel Hapablap" threatening to "tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party", and then "corpse you up and mail you to mama."
 * Also parodied in the Meg Ryan/Matthew Broderick vehicle, Addicted to Love, when the aforementioned actors' characters play "MST3K" while observing their former loves via a optical-projection.
 * In Ratatouille, Skinner catches Linguini messing with the soup, and threatens to have him drawn and quartered, "after you take him to the duck press to squeeze the fat from his head!" It should also be noted that one of the chefs can apparently kill a man with his thumb.
 * That's what duck presses do... they squeeze the fat out of ducks. However, I don't think they're usually of a size to stick a person's head in, but Linguini is obviously NOT familiar with kitchens, thus, it could still be a very formidable threat. And, of course, Skinner's just going apoplectic at Linguini 'rising above his station' by fixing the soup (possibly a kick the dog moment to reinforce the fact that Skinner's an evil little man, bent only on dominating the frozen food market by sullying Gusteau's good name?)
 * It's really not that hard to figure out how the chef could kill someone with his thumb. The British have it covered.
 * Lilo and Stitch: Nani has been locked out of the house, and screams to Lilo that if she doesn't let her in, she's going to purée her in the blender, bake her into a pie and feed it to the social worker... just as said social worker arrives.
 * Madagascar: Alex the lion says "I'm going to strangle you and bury you and then dig you up and clone you and kill all your clones, and then I'm never speaking to you again!"
 * Grosse Pointe Blank:

"Payne: I will put my foot so far up your ass the water on my knee will quench your thirst!"
 * Major Payne:

"Troublemaker: Do you got any idea what we're gonna do to you if we find one itty bitty scratch on them? Any idea? Shep: Let me guess, you're gonna pound my face, break every bone in my body, then you're gonna drag my body down a gravel road, and feed my remains to a wart hog. Is that about right? Troublemaker: What are you, nuts? This is the 90's, we're gonna sue you."
 * In Cars, Doc's first lines consist of ranting about how he'll throw Lightning in jail for so long the jail will rot on top of him, then build a new jail and let that one rot—considering the characters are cars and the jail is an open-air impound lot, this would be impressive, to say the least.
 * Toyed with in Hulk Hogan's movie Suburban Commando, when Shep Ramsey (Hogan) almost damages a mean guy's car:

"--"I gonna taika you doo-ork, I gonna nail it to dawall! I gonna crusha you boils inna meat grinda! I gonna chopoffa you ahms... I gonna shuvemupa you icehole!""
 * In Stateand Main, the movie producer Marty ends a phone call with "I'm gonna rip out your heart and piss on your lungs through the hole in your chest. And my best to Marion."
 * Hancock features a few:
 * "If you don't move, your head is going up his ass." (And then he proceeds to do just that.)
 * "I'm gonna shove your head up his ass, I'm-a shove your head up his ass, and you...you drew the short straw; I'm-a shove your head up my ass."
 * "I will break my foot off in your ass, woman!"
 * In The Presidio, Lt. Col Caldwell states quietly that he's going to beat up a drunk blowhard in a pool hall with his thumb—this RIGHT thumb... because the left is too powerful for him. Of course, since Our Intrepid Hero is an army man, the ensuing smack down is Exactly What It Says on the Tin. In the same movie, Sgt. Major MacLure tells someone to shut up, on pain of "I'll shove your head so far up your ass, you'll be talking out of your armpit."
 * Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny offers Tim Robbins delivering: "I'm going to cut out your eyes and your balls, and put your eyeballs in your ballsacks and your balls in your eye sockets!"
 * In Mel Brooks' remake of To Be or Not to Be, Frederick Bronski, after learning that his wife and a dashing Polish flier were having an affair before the war started, and about to go and potentially give his life by pretending to be a Nazi spy he'd killed, forgives the pair—in the event that he doesn't return from Gestapo headquarters. "However if I do come back, you're in a lotta trouble!"
 * Johnny Dangerously has this from Roman Maronie...

""Let me make this perfectly clear. If Cora D escapes, I will personally rip your heart out of your ass, and shove it back down your throat." "Goddammit Willis, I'm gonna rip you in half!""
 * In Barb Wire, Colonel Pryzer is good at these. He makes two threats.

"Mook: You broke my nose! Rock: That's right. Now get out of here before I take that Mr. Clean head and shove it straight up your ass!"
 * According to RinkWorks.com, there is a movie which was dubbed into English from another language which featured the immortal line "I will kill you until you are dead from it!"
 * Well, you know what they say: "People die if they are killed."
 * Disney's Mulan: "I'm gonna hit you so hard it'll make your ancestors dizzy!"
 * Priscilla, Queen of the Desert might be an odd source of threatening quotes, but one of Bernadette's many Crowning Moments of Awesome is when she says of Adam / Felicia, "One more push, I'm gonna smack his face so hard he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his arse to clean his teeth!"
 * In the American Dub of Black Mask, Deadpan Snarker tough cop Detective Rock arguably gets one when challenging a Syndicate Mook with a shaved head.

"Darwin: I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom! Eddie: Betty Jo Bialowski? I can get you an address on that, if you want."
 * Darwin Mayflower in Hudson Hawk enjoys these. At one point he says, "I'll torture you so slowly you'll think it's a career!" At another:

"Prince Humperdinck: First things first, to the death. Westley: No. To the pain. Prince Humperdinck: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. Westley: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon. Prince Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. Westley: It won't be the last. 'To the pain' means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight. Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right. Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it. Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. Prince Humperdinck: I think you're bluffing. Westley: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. [slowly rises and points sword directly at the prince] Westley: Drop. Your. Sword. Prince Humperdinck: [mouth hanging open, drops sword to floor]"
 * Westley's To the Pain speech from The Princess Bride seems to fit better here that within the trope it named:

"Nebuloso: But it must look realistic. Anyone caught overacting I will personally scare to death!"
 * Yellowbeard. El Nebuloso comes up with a plan to have his minions pretend to be killed.

"Marsellus: What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass."
 * Agent Sands delivers one of these to a reluctant informant in Once Upon a Time In Mexico: "You know that withholding vital information from a federal officer is a serious offense. Especially when that federal officer has paid handsomely for it and wouldn't think twice about ripping that patch off your eyehole and skullfucking you to death."
 * And then there's Marsellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction, preparing to deal with a rapist:

"Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click." The Dude: ...Jesus. Jesus Quintana: You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus."
 * In Win A Date With Tad Hamilton: "Good. Because if you do I swear to God I will tear you to pieces with my bare hands. Or vicious rhetoric."
 * From The Big Lebowski:

"Stitch: This babe is whack. She doesn't know what's twelve inches long and white. Nothing! Hey man, no offense, I'm just working on my routine. Gunny: I'll tell you what's black and bleeding if it don't shut its face."
 * Clint Eastwood seems to be quite fond of this, as part of the tough guy machos he usually portrays, as shown by following example from the fifth installment of Dirty Harry: "Don't fuck with me, buddy, or I'll kick your ass so hard you'll have to unbutton your collar to shit."
 * And from Heartbreak Ridge:

""All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.""
 * Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back shows Jay angrily dictating the following message which Bob posts to a website discussing the Bluntman and Chronic movie:

"Robert: You assholes do exactly as I say, or I will take you outside and fuck you in the street! Dale: No! Don't fuck us anywhere!"
 * In The Warriors: "I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a Popsicle!"
 * In Reno 911! The Movie, a Homeland Security agent threatens Jones & Garcia with "...I'm gonna fill a tube sock with oranges, then I'm gonna beat you with it until I juice them! Then I'm gonna drink the juice in front of you! And you're gonna ask me "Why?", but I'm not gonna answer you!"
 * In Best in Show, the Larry Miller's character attempts to talk his son down from the roof by stating, "I will gouge your eye out with my thumb! I shit you not, my friend!" In the previous scene, Miller revealed that his job is trying to talk jumpers down, but "they all jump."
 * The Horribly Slow Murderer With the Extremely Inefficient Weapon. Exactly What It Says on the Tin.
 * In Ralph Bakshi's Wizards, Avatar explains to the newly-reformed Necron 99 (now renamed "Peace"), that if he betrays the party, Avatar will do something that will, "Take twenty years to kill you, and you'll be screaming for mercy in the first ten seconds."
 * From |21: Cole Williams: "If I see you in here again, I will break your cheekbone with a small hammer. And then I will kill you."
 * All OVER Pineapple Express:

"Ken: War is upon you! Prepare to suck the cock of karma!"
 * Or:

"Matheson: You know you gonna die, right? Saul: Yeah. Matheson: I'm gonna kill the fuck out of you!"
 * As well as...

"Bartender: Ahh, perhaps you don't understand. Ahh... if you don't pay me now, I'm going to uhh... take this swizzle-stick, and uhh... I'll be shoving that right up your pee-hole."
 * In Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, the titular character has a misunderstanding with a bartender which results in the following masterpiece deadpan one-liner from Norm Macdonald:

""I'm going to have you wrapped in the U.S flag and burned personally by the President, in high-octane American gasoline!""
 * In The Seventies spoof J-Men Forever!, one of the G-Men J-Men indignantly turns down a bribe.

""I'm gonna keep the Coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door.""
 * This is actually hinted at in the Dark Knight Trilogy. I really don't want to know what the Joker uses that potato peeler for...
 * The Whole Nine Yards: when displeased with his lunch order, Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski hits the waiter with this gem, apparently inspired by something Bruce Willis actually said on Matthew Perry's answering machine:

"Grosman: My fist is going to be so far up your ass that every time you have a fart it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring."
 * In Tropic Thunder, Les Grosman threatens the film's director this way if he screws up again.

"Capitaine Charles Patenaude, waving around a discarded blender: Brad, pull something like that again, and I will cut you to pieces, I will put you in this blender, I will press "Smoothie" and I. WILL. DRINK. YOU."
 * In Dans Une Galaxie Pres De Chez Vous, the movie based on the Quebecois space adventure comedy, the exasperated captain (usually a Benevolent Boss) has finally lost his patience with the Chronic Backstabbing Disorder case that is the ship's scientist:

"Yzma: I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea. Then, I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives (Evil Laugh), I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!"
 * The blender Makes Sense in Context. The quote, however...
 * In The Emperors New Groove, Yzma's initial plan to kill Kuzco is as follows:

"Eve: If any of you wolves have hurt my daughter, I will personally RIP out your eyes, and SHOVE them down your throat so you can see my claws TEAR YOUR CARCASS OPEN!"
 * Eve from Alpha and Omega loves these. When one of the wolves in the pack is hurt, she wants to track down the attacker, tear his tail off, and shove it down his throat. As if they wasn't bad, when her daughter goes missing, she gives this little speech to the other pack:

"Jimmy Bond: You do know of course that this means an angry letter to the Times?"
 * In Casino Royale 1967, Woody Allen sputters not-very-intimidating woodyallenisms at a Banana Republic firing squad:

"Miles: You sit here. I'll go find us something, and don't try anything funny while I'm gone, 'cause you know what you'll get. Luna: What? Miles: What? W-w-what will you get? Uh, a ... large and painful hickey!"
 * Sleeper

"Robin: If you don't tell me where your little brother is, I'm gonna beat the BLACK off you, and you're gonna look lighter than Michael Jackson!"
 * His next line of dialog? "My god, I just beat a man to death with a large strawberry!"
 * The infamous 'French Taunting' from Monty Python and the Holy Grail sometimes dips into this trope.
 * The animated film Bebe's Kids has Robin making this humorous black-themed threat to one of the kids:

"I'm gonna fuckin' take your leg off, and I'll... fuckin'... the shin bone! I'm gonna take the shin bone, I'm gonna break it in two and I'm going to fucking stab you to fucking death with it..."
 * In Tower Heist, Slide has this one: "I'm going to blow your face clean off your face!"
 * A great example from In the Loop delivered by Malcolm Tucker:

"Larabee: I'm a trained killer, you know. I can kill you with anything in this office. You wanna die by Post-Its? 'Cause I can make that happen. Agent 91: And that's a slow death."
 * Tank Girl. The title character tells the Big Bad Kesslee (in a Muhammad Ali voice) "I'm gonna hit you so hard, your children will be born bruised!"
 * Get Smart. After Bruce and Lloyd all but call him an idiot, Larabee lets out this gem:


 * Then Agent 23 ruins the threat by stapling a report to Larabee's head.

Literature
"Lasaraleen: No one is to be let out of the house today. And anyone I catch talking about this young lady will be first beaten to death and then burned alive and after that be kept on bread and water for six weeks. There."
 * When Susan Sto Helit has a stint as a nanny in Hogfather, she threatens her charges with things like "If I catch you being twee again, I'll knot your arms together behind your head." She finds that these actually worked better than believable threats.
 * Possibly because Susan is Death's granddaughter, and has enough supernatural capability that the children may actually believe said threats. This is a woman who can stop time for herself, turn invisible, and has managed to turn a fire poker into a magical artifact. I'd do what she said too.
 * Also, when the Great God Om found himself Brought Down to Normal in Small Gods, he took a while to abandon the over-the-top threats that had always worked before: "Your intestines to be wound around a tree until you are sorry!" and "May your genitals sprout wings and fly away!"
 * Another fine example, from Sergeant Jackrum in Monstrous Regiment: "...there's no rule to stop me beating seven kinds of crap out of you... And that may take me some time, sir, because until now I've only ever discovered five types of crap."
 * There are seven kinds of crap.
 * And then the student became enlightened.
 * A two-parter from Sam Vimes John Keel in Night Watch: "...you try it on one more time and you'll need to use both hands to pick up a spoon and you'll need to pick up a spoon, Ned, 'cos of living off soup by reason of having no damn teeth!"
 * One of the dire threats of the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night in Guards Guards involves toasting the offender's figgin on a spike. The power of this threat mostly hinges on not finding out that a figgin is a (fictional) type of pastry containing raisins.
 * The Watch, who do know what a figgin is, are very confused when their prisoner runs away screaming after an innocent offer of a snack.
 * According to the history books, Mad Lord Snapcase was "hung up by his figgin" when he was overthrown some time before the current timeline. "This meant that either the language had changed a little over the years, or there really was some horrifying aspect to suspending a man alongside a teacake."
 * In Lords and Ladies Granny Weatherwax tells Nanny Ogg's bratty grandson "If you don't shut up, I will personally rip your head off and fill it with snakes." The little boy is merely amused by this threat.
 * Interestingly, in "The Sea and Little Fishes" later on in the time line, Nanny Ogg tells her grandson—probably the same one—that if he doesn't stop crying, she'll never give him candy again. The shock shuts him right up.
 * In The Last Continent one of the "ladies" whose float Rincewind hides on at the Galah screams at a troublemaker: "I'll stick my hand down yer throat and pull yer trousers up!"
 * In Men At Arms, Carrot threatens Dr. Whiteface, head of the Fools Guild. He threatens to follow Sargent Colon's orders to the letter, the orders Carrot got just before going to the guild. When Whiteface threatens to call his guards, Carrot calmly informs him that that will only make it easier for him to obey those orders. He then adds that, if it helps, he'll feel slightly ashamed to do so. Whiteface backed down. The orders? "If there's any trouble, we're leaving right away." Colon had seen people bluff with bad hands, he'd never seen someone bluff with no cards.
 * In Interesting Times, the Red Army are not very good with making effective threats, to the point where Rincewind summarizes their threats as "Slightly bad things please happen to our enemies!"
 * In A Song of Ice and Fire, Shagga son of Dolf's repeated threats to anyone and everyone that he will "chop off your manhood and feed it to the goats." In spite of the rather obvious lack of goats in the vicinity. Used so often it becomes a Running Gag.
 * He actually gets to do it on Grandmaester Pycelle in the second book.
 * A variant from Sword of Truth, where after a speech from Richard about how he intends to teach his damaged hot dominatrices a bit of humanity by letting them take care of his as-yet-unconceived son, one of them says emotionally, "If you get yourself killed trying to rule the world, I will break every bone in your body."
 * In Nick Cave's novel And The Ass Saw The Angel, a man threatens to rip off Euchrid's head and shit down his neck, in what is probably a Full Metal Jacket allusion.
 * In The Horse and His Boy, Lasaraleen orders everyone within range to silence thus:

"Soon as I'm on my feet, your asses are mine. You all might as well just go practice falling down for a while so you'll be used to it. Just order the body bags now 'cause when I'm done, you're going to look like piles of chocolate pudding. They'll be cleaning you up with shovels."
 * The Dresden Files has Harry threaten the vampire Mavra with "If you try that again, I will kill you so thoroughly that your last ten victims will make miraculous recoveries."
 * And in Turn Coat, Listens-to-Wind informs that, "I'm just going to kick your ass up between your ears." Then he does.
 * In Storm Front
 * The penalty for damaging a palm frond in The Marvelous Land of Oz is to be put to death ten times, then imprisoned for life.
 * Since nobody in Oz ever ages or dies, that's torture plus prison for a really long time.
 * Tucker Case, from Christopher Moore's Island of the Sequined Love Nun, tells an entire Polynesian village that has him strung up in a tree that:

""He's going round telling the world you're nothing but a cleaned-out rabbit's head, stuffed with sauerkraut, and if you're lucky enough to get back from the front he's going to see to it you get deported to a cowshit-stinking hole in South Bavaria where the entire population consists of village idiots.""
 * When he passes out, the islanders all agree that it was an excellent threat.
 * Notable examples from the war novels by Sven Hassel include "I'll pull your arsehole up over your ears!", "I'll have you shaved with the big razor!" (sentenced to decapitation), or the crowning one:

""Your fate will be whispered by mothers in dark places to frighten their young," said Hastur, and then felt that the language of Hell wasn't up to the job. "You're going to get taken to the bloody cleaners, pal," he added."
 * In the Redwall prequel Martin the Warrior, Captain Clogg throws a fit of rage when Badrang sets fire to his ship, and screams "I'll cut yer 'ead off an' throw it in yer face!" (Technically possible if one assumes he doesn't mean that head, but since this is a children's book it's unlikely that was the intended meaning. Then again ...)
 * Mellus attempting to revive Hon Rosie in Mariel of Redwall: "No! Don't die! If you die, I'll kill you! Oh, I'm sorry, dear." Similarly, in Marlfox, Dippler informs an unconscious Dannflor that if he dies, Dippler will never speak to him again. Dann promptly wakes up and bursts out laughing at the uselessness of the threat.
 * In Pearls of Lutra a pirate captain tells an incompetent follower that "When we get out of this I'm gonna hang you upside down over the side of the boat and let the fishes nibble your 'ead off, though they'll be out o' luck if they expects to find any brains in there!"
 * It's also quite common for various characters to threaten to remove someone's body parts and feed said parts to the victim.
 * In one of Melanie Rawn's Dragon trilogies, someone threatens, "I will send him back to you in a large number of small boxes."
 * Near the end of Mary Stewart's This Rough Magic, a teenage girl is raging about the escape of the villain, who'd almost succeeded in murdering her brother. She shouts that she wishes she could eat the man's heart in the marketplace, and someone comments that although the girl may never have read Shakespeare, her threat is nearly word for word from one of the plays. Then the
 * Good Omens:

"Tell that mustached fool that by nightfall this place shall be known as the Grave of the Britons. Tell him that I shall snip off his whiskers and make them a plaything for my daughter's cats. Tell him that I shall carve a drinking cup from his skull and feed his belly to my dogs."
 * In the Wind on Fire trilogy Princess Sirharasi has a few good ones, mostly involving eye-gouging of some form or other, but also this gem: "If you tell anything you've heard here, I'll have your tongues pulled out, and rabbits' heads pushed into your mouths, and your lips sewn up...and your eyes will be burned out by red-hot skewers."
 * From Steven Brust's Agyar: "I will draw forth thy bones one by one ere I send thee to the Devil, that for all time thy shapeless body shall serve as a carpet for the minions of hell."
 * In The Warlord Chronicles, at one point the main character finds himself translating between the leaders of the Britons following King Arthur and the Saxon Warrior King/Boisterous Bruiser Aelle. When called upon to surrender, Aelle responds by leveling these sorts of threats at every prominent leader there, and some that are absent. What follows in only one of those. The quotes page for Tactful Translation has more of the threats, although that's still considerably shorter than the entire passage.


 * In The 13 Clocks, the Duke threatens to "slit you from your guggle to your zatch and feed you to my geese." He's quite serious.

Live Action TV
""Anatomically impossible, Mr. Garibaldi... but you're welcome to try, any time, anywhere.""
 * Babylon 5. We never know what exactly Mr. Garibaldi imagined doing to Mr. Bester, but we can get the idea from the latter's comment after he read Garibaldi's thoughts:

""On your way back, I'd like you to practice the Babylon 5 Mantra: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out! Babylon Control out. [to herself] Civilians. [glances upward] Just kidding about the God thing. No offense?""
 * Also, when Ivanova is telling off some civilian freighters which had almost collided into one another, she incorporates this into one of her numerous Crowning Moments of Funny:

"If you take sexual advantage of that girl, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters, and people who talk at the theater."
 * Moriarty, in the 1st episode of the second season of Sherlock, says, "I will turn you into shoes!"
 * Well, first he'll find you and skin you, then he'll make you into shoes.
 * Jayne, from Firefly, makes one of these when he talks about the "chain of command" being the one he beats you with if you argue with him.
 * And let's not forget the wonderful threat Book made in "Our Mrs. Reynolds".

"Zoe: If they take the ship they will rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins in to their clothing, and if we're very, very lucky, they?ll do it in that order."
 * On a more serious note, there's the fate of the crew if the psychotic Reavers have their way.

"Dawn: I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all... touch her... you're gonna wake up on fire."
 * Buffy once threatened to wear someone's ribcage as a hat. This being Buffy, the threaten-ee promptly lampshaded it with "Hello to the imagery."
 * Willow also once told Riley, "If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend."
 * Dawn also had one in the episode "Beneath You"

"Lilah: One more excuse from you and I am gonna bury you alive next to my house so I can hear you screaming."
 * Lilah Morgan on Angel had imagination too.

"Harper: You do that to one of my boys again, Obadiah, and I'll shove that pointy thing you're carrying up your arse until it picks your nose. Hakeswill: Be quick, Paddy, for you is next."
 * Lilah also once threatened to rip off a guy's skin and staple in back on inside-out.
 * The Monster of the Week would often get in on the act: in the episode "Smile Time", lead villain Polo once hollers at Angel, "I'm gonna tear you a new puppet-hole, !"
 * Among lesser examples in the Sharpe miniseries, Sgt. Patrick Harper and Sgt. Obadiah Hakeswill, who has tried to set a soldier up for undeserved punishment and is carrying a spontoon (a type of lance), have this hushed exchange:

"Baines: We'll blast them into dust, then fuse the dust into glass, then shatter them all over again!"
 * In the Disney crossover special Wizards on Deck with Hannah Montana, Alex threatens Max that if he tells Justin that it was her that put dye in the hot tub, she would pound on him so hard, he'd be sneezing out of his belly button. Max then comments that that would be very awkward around allergy season.
 * A survivor in the future episode of Dollhouse, explains to a potential threat "I will shoot you very hard!"
 * In Blackadder there was a bizarre one that was conducted in mime, that involved being dunked upside down in a vat of warm marmalade and having your goolies cut off with a scythe.
 * Also, in Blackadder the Third, Mr. E. Blackadder issued this: "Baldrick, believe me; eternity in the company of Beelzebub - and all his hellish instruments of torment - will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil."
 * Or "Baldrick, does it have to end this way? With me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid while wearing an extremely heavy hat?"
 * "If you do not start making sense, the pointed bony thing with five toes inside my boot will soon connect quite sharply with the soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers."
 * A rare serious example (well, sort of) from Doctor Who:

"Irongron: I'll chop him up so fine, not even a sparrow will fill its beak!"
 * The villainous Irongron from the Third Doctor story The Time Warrior gave us this absolute gem:

"Doctor: If you do that one more time, Duggan, I'm going to take very, very severe measures. Duggan: Yeah, like what? Doctor: I'm going to ask you not to."
 * And a not-so-serious example:

"Noel Fielding: Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow... Simon Amstell: With a pair of scissors made of glitter? Noel Fielding: No, with a motorbike made of jealousy."
 * In Never Mind the Buzzcocks, host Simon Amstell described Noel Fielding's style of comedy as "just throwing out weird words":

""You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day... well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week... or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...""
 * Two Words: "Comfy Chair"
 * Also from Monty Python's Flying Circus, highwayman Dennis Moore would start with a genuine threat, then get lost in qualifying it to be perfectly accurate.

"Glen: I'm gonna wear you like a puppet, on my fist, and then get into a punch-fight WITH A MAN MADE OF RAZOR BLADES!"
 * In My Name Is Earl, Earl is stuck in confinement with another prisoner who wants to kill him. His threats become increasingly more pathetic (but also more imaginative) after a while.

"Michael: He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them! Angela: Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue! Jerry: Let me rephra- Angela: I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head! (Elaine walks in) Jerry: Hi Elaine, this is Angela. Angela: I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth! Jerry: Well I think I get the gist of it."
 * Used twice in during the Seinfeld episode "The Good Samaritan", once by George's girlfriend's husband when he finds out about their affair and once by Jerry's girlfriend when he threatens to tell someone about her hit and run.

"Newman: All right, but hear me and hear me well. The day will come - oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning will come, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I will be there, in all my glory. Watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!"
 * Used naturally by Newman in another episode:

"Burkhalter: Klink, you will be court-martialed, shot, and sent to the Russian front. Klink: But General Burkhalter, you can't do all of those to me! Burkhalter: Try me."
 * This could be considered Newman's finest moment in the entire series.
 * Not only that, he follows through on it, bringing popcorn to the trial in the final episode.
 * Also, "All right, you go ahead and keep it secret, but you remember this: when you control the mail, you control... information!"
 * Then there's the time George tries to return a book that's been flagged in the database after he takes it into the bathroom. "You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't leap over this counter and punch you in the brain."
 * On Hogan's Heroes, Major Hochstetter and General Burkhalter would often threaten to have Colonel Klink "court-martialed, shot and sent to the Russian front". The absurdity was pointed out in this exchange:

"I want him drawn and quartered, and then I want the pieces arrested!"
 * So long as the firing squad doesn't shoot to kill, it's doable.
 * This is the primary Running Gag of Coach Hines, a recurring character on MADTV.
 * In one episode of MASH, Charles Emerson Winchester III had a good one:

"I'll break his leg, set it and break it again."
 * Hawkeye is responsible for this gem:

""If you tell anyone, I'll rip out your spinal cord to play jump rope with!""
 * Earl Sinclair's B.P. Richfield in Dinosaurs seemed to be rather fond of this trope.

"Buck: You better cure her or I'll? Doctor: Or you'll what? Buck: (threateningly) I'll think of something."
 * In The Piranha Brothers sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus, several characters report about how Dinsdale Piranha would do horrible things. One man recounts how Dinsdale chained him to the back of a tank, dragged him to his hideout, slit his nostrils open, sawed his leg off, pulled his liver out and then nailed his head to the floor. After that, the man would go back to apologize to Dinsdale every week, and then Dinsdale would nail his head to the floor again. Dinsdale's brother Doug, on the other hand, was much worse.
 * The line "If you get yourself killed I'll never speak to you again!" (with variations) has been used on countless occasions. One example that springs to mind is Kristine Kochanski in Red Dwarf saying it to Lister, who's about to go blow himself up to save his friends from the Epideme virus. Naturally Lister just grins and walks out the door.
 * In the horror series American Gothic, Sheriff Buck's girlfriend falls victim to a mysterious illness and is being treated by the local doctor, one of the few people not intimidated by him.

"I'm gonna rip out his wind-pipe and beat him to death with the tonsil end! I'm gonna shove my fist so far down his gob, I'll be able to pull the label off his underpants!"
 * Malcolm Tucker and Jamie of The Thick of It are the masters of this. Hell, as the series' page says, this trope is pretty much Jamie's job. One of his finest moments: "I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock. Then I'll plug some some speakers up your arse and put it on to shuffle with my fucking fist. Then, every time I hear something that I don't like - which will be every time that something comes on - I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls." This, by the way, is in response to somebody making fun of Al Jolson.
 * Something that the comparatively balanced Scot does say, to a minister with a nervous blink, is: "Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it."
 * "You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT and I will tear your fuckin' skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right? Now get out of my fucking sight..."
 * Malcolm and Jamie continue to excel at this in the film In the Loop; "Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole-punch your face!?"
 * "You stay detached, or else that's what I'll do to your retinas."
 * Red Dwarf does this a lot. Especially Lister:

"Death: We're gonna cut you up so fine the worms won't even have to chew."
 * This, from "Gunmen of the Apocalypse"

"Bruno: We will work hard. We will work well. We will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses, you will, quite simply, be dead."
 * Patrick Jane states, while still smiling and in a bantering tone of voice that when he finds "Red John", he will "cut him open and watch him die slowly".
 * There's a great example in Black Books, where Bernard Black shouts down the phone "I'll pull out your eyeballs and stuff them in my ears so I can't hear your screams as I headbutt you down to a fine paste!"
 * This is actually from the bonus feature "Bernard's Letter" in which Bernard writes an angry response to a publisher who has rejected him "I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden violent death."
 * A Poke the Poodle comes when Manny asks what Bernard's going to do about the builders next door: "I will... drink heavily and shout at you!"
 * "I'll tear you open like a bag of crisps!"
 * The Daily Show dedicated an entire segment a few months after 9/11 to coming up with really creative ways to kill Osama Bin Laden. Stephen Colbert suggested that he should be wanted, not dead or alive, but dead and alive, via being cloned repeatedly so they could kill the clones.
 * And then there was something involving oatmeal.
 * Rachel Maddow feels she is fully capable of killing Osama bin Laden with a spoon.
 * In Entourage, Ari Gold threatened to "choke [somebody] out with a strap-on." And given what we know about his character, he TOTALLY would.
 * Cheers: Lilith tells Carla she will "snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint." Another time, Carla when takes a job as a waitress and is forced to sing to a patron in front of the guys, she makes what seems like a very non-idle threat when she informs that that if they tell anyone she will rip their still beating hearts out of their chests and take a bite out of them.
 * In Friends, Joey went with Monica to confront a food critic who gave her a bad review. When the critic refuses to try another sample of her sauce Joey deadpans, "Either eat it, or be in it."
 * Ziva of NCIS is prone to these with Tony - on one occasion she says she is seriously considering killing him with a spoon, and on another she threatens to kill him in eighteen different ways with a paperclip. One can only imagine...
 * The was another one where McGee wanted his car repaired in a hurry and on the phone the mechanic said (infered) why should I rush? McGee replies because I put away killers for a living.
 * In The West Wing, White House counsel Lionel Tribbey enters Leo's office shouting "I will kill people today, Leo! I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again with my own hands!"
 * More from The West Wing:

"C.J.: I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that web site. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there, I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass...What? Josh: Well... technically, I outrank you. C.J.: So far up your ass!"
 * C.J. catches Josh posting as himself on an online forum, and threatens him with:

"Republican Senator:You told him: they take on finance campaign reform, I roll out a legislative agenda that will make his boss sit down and cry? [...] I'm gonna reach down [Josh's] throat and take out his heart with an ice-cream scoop."
 * There's also this threat by a Republican Senator.

"Leo: If the President's wearing a hat, or that thing's wearing a Bartlet button, I'm hiding snakes in your car. CJ: Come on, don't say that! Not even as a joke! Leo: You're never gonna know where they are or if you got them all out. Gonna lay their eggs right in the glove compartment."
 * Turns out Josh is rather unimpressed, leading to one of his many CMOF.
 * Leo gets in on the action when CJ arranges for a presidential photo op with a goat:

"Philip: (To Will) Will, calm down. Now I've trained as a lawyer for many years. I was trained in the art of negotiation. Okay? Observe. [Philip walks up to the man] Philip: Sir? [Grabs the man by the lapels] Philip: Gimme that damn phone or I'm gonna rip your liver out and eat it raw."
 * The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air had a memorable moment with Uncle Phil Trapped In An Elevator, trying to borrow a Jerkass's cellphone to reach Aunt Viv (who is in labour at the moment):

"Igor: I am going to kill you in a very inventive way! I am going to pee in a paper cone, freeze it, remove the paper and STAB you with my own ice-cold URINE!"
 * I...am going to smack everyone...into tiny, little pieces.
 * Russian arms dealer Igor got this gem in the Danish Christmas show Jul på Vesterbro:

"Sue: I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I'll steal away into your home and punch you in the face."
 * Glee:

"Sybil: If I find out the money on that horse was yours, you know what I'll do, Basil. Basil: You'll have to sew them back on first!"
 * Over the course of one episode of Jeeves and Wooster, Roderick Spode threatens to break Bertie's "rotten spine in [three, four, five, SIX] places!"
 * From the Fawlty Towers episode "Communication Problems":

"Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you’re trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard that your eyes pop out and then I’ll feed them to you like grapes. Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles? Lily: One of each!"
 * On How I Met Your Mother:

""If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms.""
 * Bishop Brennan, on the phone to Father Ted:

"Anne Boleyn: What if I were to agree to the divorce, but invoke the blessing of the pope? Norfolk: In that case, you shall be drawn and quartered by four strong horses. Then their quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four smaller horses. Then those quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four frogs. Then the quartering would stop, and the mincing would begin."
 * A Saturday Night Live sketch has Norfolk (played by Phil Hartman) explaining to Anne Boleyn that her method of execution depends on whether or not she agrees to divorce Henry VIII:

"Angela: I have a hypothetical question. Sue White: I have a hole punch. Let's not get bigheaded."
 * Green Wing:

"Dalia: You know what’s going to be painful? When my mother remarries your father and I’m your new sister and Dad likes me best. And then we send you away to an all-girls boarding school where you find true love. And on visiting day I come up and steal your new girlfriend. (sips her drink)The following spring we marry in a civil ceremony which you are forced to cater. And everyone hates your catering. And you get a bad review on Yelp, which pretty much sinks your organic lesbian catering venture."
 * In the pilot episode of Leverage, Eliot threatens to "beat Dubinich so hard that even the people who look like him are gonna bleed." He settles for taking down his company instead.
 * In an episode of Will and Grace, after Jack says something stupid, Will threatens to rip his heart out... through his foot.
 * In Suburgatory Dalia makes a bizarre revenge threat that gets wildly speculative and specific.

Machinima
"O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!"
 * Red vs. Blue.

"Oscar: **To a curious fanboy** If you dare finish that sentence, I swear to God that I'll gouge your eyes out with a screwdriver. Then I'll cut your dick off and sharpen it until I can stick it on your neck to give you a tracheoechtomy. Finally, I'll scrape your skin off with a potato peeler and I'll squeeze it so I can send threatening letters to your whole family written with your own BLOOD!!"
 * Also, when Caboose gets in touch with his "angry side" in order to fight off the noobs, he shouts threats and insults like "I will eat your unhappiness!" and "Your toast has been burned, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts!"
 * ''Ayuda Mundial" (roughly translated as World-Wide Help), a Latin American Halo machinima gives us this gem:

Music

 * Although not a direct threat, "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Virus Alert" warns of a computer virus that will allegedly, among other things, "translate your documents into Swahili, make your TV record Gigli / neuter your pets, and give your laundry static cling."
 * Also, listen to "One More Minute" by the Al... this time it's subverted in that it isn't threats to anyone else, but what he would rather do instead of being with his ex. Actions preferred: ripping out his intestines with a fork, putting an icepick under a few of his toenails, diving into a swimming pool with double edged razor blades, and the clincher: "I'd rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage with my bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'til I die."
 * In The Decemberists' The Tain: "I will bleed your heart through a samovar soon!" Ow.
 * No "Find him, bind him, tie him to a pole and break his fingers to splinters, drag him to a hole until he wakes up naked clawing at the ceiling of his grave"? Then again, that one was an order.
 * Same thing with "Culling of the Fold", in that the gore is instruction rather than threat. "Dash her on the paving stones/ It may break your heart to break her bones ..."
 * In one of the skits that Da Yoopers intersperse between the songs in their albums the wife of a man who has run off somewhere threatens to "give him a vasectomy with a rusty chainsaw" if he ever returns.
 * Xiu Xiu's "I Broke Up" gives us the delightful shouted line "THIS IS THE WORST VACATION EVER!/I AM GOING TO CUT OPEN YOUR FOREHEAD WITH A ROOFING SHINGLE!" Just an idea, but perhaps lines like that are why they broke up?
 * The first line of Zebrahead's Back to Normal is: "I'm feeling lost, I'm feeling like my heart's been carved out with a spoon."
 * Voltaire gives us, "What if I were to cut you up and mail each part to a different town?"

Professional Wrestling
""If you ever say that to me again, I will force feed you your own spleen.""
 * The Rock actually had one of these as a Catch Phrase: "The Rock's gonna take your candy ass down to the corner of Know Your Role Boulevard and Jabroni Drive, and check you into the Smackdown Hotel!"
 * As well as the fan-favorite, "The Rock's gonna take your little [beloved object], [shine it up real nice/dust it off], turn it sideways, and shove it straight up your candy ass!"
 * Once in a while, Kane dips into the Purple Prose. The results are entertaining.
 * In one interview while he was promoting his old-school slasher flick See no Evil, he advised the female interviewer, who claimed to have endured light hazing from her mostly-male counterparts, to try:

""And I will rip off your head and spit down your neck!""
 * She tried it out with one of her coworkers in the studio, who said back dryly:


 * In the run-up to WWF's Wrestlemania VI, The Ultimate Warrior gave a long, rambling interview about how he was going to hijack Hulk Hogan's plane on the way to the event and fly it into the ground. To this day, it's still one of the biggest "WTF?" moments ever in wrestling. Yes, even ranking above The Gobbeldy Gooker hatching from a giant egg, Robocop rescuing Sting, and Mae Young giving birth to a hand.
 * Keep in mind, he was threatening to do this by taking over the pilot's mind with his magical moon-powers. Also I'm pretty sure the moon was turned into blood at some point in his threat. Either way, it apparently didn't work.

Radio
""I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled... until... until... until you've had enough! And then I'll do it again! And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them! And I will carry on jumping on them until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do, and then...""
 * From The Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy:
 * Arthur's reaction to his house being knocked down:

"Slartibartfast: Come now or you will be late! Arthur Dent: Late? What for? Slartibartfast: Late, as in the late Dentarthurdent. It's a sort of threat, you see. I've never been very good at them myself..."
 * Also:

Table Top RPG
""I will flay the skin from your flesh and the flesh from your bones and scrape your bones dry, and still you will not have suffered enough!""
 * Magic: The Gathering has this memorable example from the flavor text for the card Hatred:


 * A traditional version in D&D (due to the ease of resurrection at higher levels) is "If you die, I'll drag your corpse to a cleric and have you resurrected and then kill you!"

Video Games
""If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR?!""
 * In Baldur's Gate, you can make these quite often, but the most notable example is when you are confronted by an old guy offering cryptic advice, and can give the following response:

"Edwina: (I will kill ALL of them. Slowly. With...with HOT...pokey things and...and coals and...and prods. Yessssss, prods. Many, many prods.)"
 * The king of this trope, however, is Edwin. Especially after his unfortunate transformation in the second game:

""Mortal fool! Release me from this wretched tomb! I must be set free, or I will haunt you forever! I will hide your keys beneath the cushions of your upholstered furniture, and NEVERMORE will you be able to find socks that match!""
 * Varric's storytelling about your exploits in Dragon Age 2 reaches the point at which a barmaid in the Hanged Man asks you whether you really killed a dragon with a rusty spoon.
 * Murray from The Curse of Monkey Island:

"Murray: You may call me Murray! I am a powerful demonic force! I am the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I STRIDE through the gates of hell carrying your head on a pike! Guybrush: "Stride?" Murray: Alright then, "ROLL! ROLL through the gates of hell." Must you take the fun out of everything?"
 * And then of course, there's:

"Guybrush: Now listen here, ya fleshy sack of chum, you'd better be handin' that golden sea turtle or I'll be handin' ya yer liver on the pointy end of me hook!"
 * In Tales of Monkey Island, almost every pirate that has been infected by the Pox of LeChuck will make these pointless death threats almost all the time whenever Guybrush ticks them off. There are a few times whenever Guybrush himself gets ticked off, like in Chapter 2, for example, when LeChuck is too busy looking at one Summoning Artifact he has gotten:

"Winslow: [under the influence of the Pox] Listen here, you poor excuse for a prissy privateer! Any more lip out of you, and the Captain'll be sending yer carcass on a tour of the small intestine!"
 * Another example is in Chapter 3, when Morgan refuses to help Guybrush prove to De Cava that he's married:

"Grindstump: The defendant will cease his inane histrionics, or the court will be forced to [growls a bit before he becomes Pox-enraged] YANK OUT HIS TONGUE WITH A RUSTY SHRIMP FORK! ARRR!"
 * And in Chapter 4, any threats that Judge Grindstump utters whenever Guybrush gets him angry turn into Crowning Moments of Funny, like, for example:

""I'm so happy, I could just... tear out your intestines and strangle you with them!""
 * Somewhat demonstrated by Sheogerath in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.

""I! Garland! Will KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!""
 * And not forgetting...

"Redman: I'mma rip your tongue out...and lick my ass with it!"
 * It was turned back around on him most entertainingly in Dissidia Final Fantasy when
 * While the SNES translation of Final Fantasy VI had to bowdlerise some elements, it was able to get away with Locke threatening people who call him a thief instead of a treasure hunter by having him threaten to rip the person's lungs out (while in the GBA translation his threat it to simply beat the crap out of you).
 * In Duke Nukem 3D, Duke homages Full Metal Jacket as he tells the second boss "I'll rip your head off and shit down your neck!" After you win the fight, Duke does exactly that. While reading the newspaper. And whistling the game's theme.
 * None of the characters in-game react to it like this, but Shepard's furious "Give me a name or I will cut your balls off and sell them to a Krogan!" is definitely one of the funniest lines of Mass Effect 2.
 * In Persona 3 the Corrupt Corporate Executive that makes up the Devil Arcana delivers a few of these in order to frighten you into not telling people that you're talking to him, ranging from uploading your personal information to a dating site for prison convicts to threatening you with Ding Dong Ditch.
 * In Stupid Invaders, one of the aliens encounters the bounty hunter Bolok, who informs him "You are going to die, and you are going to scream while you die, and then you will be dead."
 * Before a fight in Def Jam: Fight For New York, the fighters would taunt eath other like this. Most notably:

"The Soldier: I am going to claw down your very throat and tear out your very soul! The Soldier: I am going to strangle you with your own frilly training bra! The Soldier: Son, you are writing checks your butt will find uncashable! Are you hearing me? Your backside will be escorted from the bank! You will find this humiliating!"
 * Let's not forget his second taunt: "I'mma rip out your eyes, put 'em on your knees, and call ya KNEESY!"
 * Used in Kingdom of Loathing with Fernswarthy's letter, which starts with Fernswarthy making a threat to anyone who digs up his grave, then degenerates into several tangents, ending with Fernswarthy's shopping list.
 * Satori Komeiji, the stage 4 boss of Subterranean Animism, is something of a Ditto Fighter, basing all but the first of her Spell Cards on the attacks of whichever Mission Control the player selected at the beginning of the game. Right before using the first of these attacks, she says, "Now, this is where it really begins! Go and sleep with a trauma so frightful it will wake you up!"
 * In the localisation of Super Robot Wars Original Generation (this editor doesn't know if it's in the Japanese version), when Kyosuke tells Masaki's cats to go find the latter, the former then threatens to "turn them into banjoes" if they don't.
 * Everyone in Team Fortress 2 has a crap load of them, but The Soldier has the most ridiculous and demented of them all.

"The Soldier (in Robotic Monotone): My foot will transform into a foot with your ass wrapped around it."
 * The Soldier's robot costume in the second Halloween patch brings us this gem:

"Soldier: "Then I guess you'd better take me out to that gravel pit and shoot me, lady. 'Cause if you ever ask me to kill my best friend again, I will put my boot so far up your ass it will be on the news!""
 * Another example, this one from one of the supplementary comics:

"The Demoman: I'm going to stick my thumbs in your eyes and hang on until you're dead! The Demoman: They're going to bury what's left of you in a soup can!"
 * The Demoman isn't bad either.

"Odette (speaking to Oswald): "I will scrape out your bowels until you beg me for mercy.""
 * Persona 4: "I'm gonna tear this place apart so fast you won't have time to file for insurance! Oh, uh, well... I'm gonna tear it apart and rebuild it twice as good! I-I'm gonna RENOVATE your ass!"
 * It's even funnier because it follows the character's decision to be nicer to people: it was their attempt to make their reflexive insult into something less threatening. It didn't work.
 * In Fallout: Tactics, an NPC threatens to "rip out your lungs and smack your mother with them!" Nice visual.
 * Odette tends to clunk out some rather nasty insults. Though I don't blame her, she IS the Queen of the Netherworld after all.

"I'm gonna kill you both, drain all your blood, take out your bones, put your body in a big chair with some elves and reindeer, sit on your lap, and tell you all the cool shit I want for Christmas!"
 * Phillip Clyde loves these

"Nefarious When I've finished killing you, I think I'll rewind time..so I can do it again. And again. And AGAIN! Hahahahaha!"
 * It gets so bad that late in the game the protagonists start noting just how batshit insane Clyde is. And calling him out on it.
 * Dr. Nefarious in "Ratchet and Clank: A Crack in Time."

"André: I'LL SLURP UP YOUR INTESTINES LIKE A PIECE OF SPAGHETTI André: GET ME OUT OF HERE OR I'LL START CHEWING André: I'LL NIBBLE YOUR ARTERIES"
 * King Tascan the First invokes this trope by name in Hype the Time Quest, frustratedly telling his incompetant soldiers, "One more mistake and I'll execute you myself... With a spoon, so that it takes longer..."
 * André the Hoodlum was fond of this trope. Actually being stuck inside Globox made them sound a bit less ridiculous. Just a bit.


 * Cave Johnson and his combustible lemons.
 * A disturbing, if no less comical example lies in Conker's Bad Fur Day, where a boss threatens to finish Conker off by shoving the squirrel up his butt. The boss just happens to be a giant, talking mountain of feces.

Web Comics
"Belkar: And if you feed him cow's milk I'll cut off your nipples. Elan: What about goat? Belkar: If a goat feeds him cow's milk I'll cut off his nipples too."
 * In Joff's Life and Death on Drunk Duck, Death tells an almost-victim that if he ever tells anyone about meeting Death, he'll kill him. The man replies, "Weren't you going to kill me some day anyway?" and Steve says, "Yes, but I'll kill you AFTER I remove your organs with a damp sponge."
 * A Cyanide & Happiness comic had the delightful; "Touch me again, and I will kill you so hard you will die to death".
 * Order of the Stick has more than a handful.
 * Belkar Bitterleaf was threatening a horse that had tackled him when the party was attacked. "I owe you a world of hurt, horse, and I always pay my debts. One day, when you least expect it, you're going to wake up as glue. And not the good stuff either, the cheap white paste that the weird kids eat!"
 * Another example of this, this time from the Monster in the Darkness: "Order of the Stick! Your broken corpses will taste delicious lightly seasoned with nutmeg!"
 * "I will bathe in your blood with lavender bath gel and a good loofa!"
 * "Who will be the moron when Gortok's white-hot anger crushes your little body into a mangled pulp while Gortok sings a jaunty tune to accompany your unanswered cries for mercy?"
 * "Tell us what we need to know, OR - I'll cry. You heard me. I'll start bawling like a toddler who dropped their ice cream on the sidewalk. In front of your friends, your teachers, any girls you like. And I'll tell them it's because YOU won't be my friend."
 * Xykon, when he gets seriously annoyed - "If I ever see you with more eyes than assholes, I'm going to shove one into the other and give your cloak to that hobgoblin."
 * Belkar again, to a vampire - "I am going to shove the sunshine so far up where the sun don't shine that you will vomit nothing but warm summer days!"
 * Belkar - yet again - giving Elan instructions on how to feed his cat.

"Helen: Talk, or I'll drop you into an oil drum full of shaved gerbils and Jell-O. Dave: I'm already in an oil drum full of shaved gerbils and Jell-O."
 * "Astos? Mo like yo ass is toast!": so bad it actually killed the guy.
 * "You know what? Sarda ca-" Clevinger is somewhat fond of this this. "...FU...and THEN...-stupid...until the handle breaks off and I shove it up his a...I'd go... the hardcore stuff....make him regret being born a man."
 * And even better: "If I have to listen to one more of your word salads in the guise of a plan, I will kill myself so hard it will kill you instead."
 * Page 2 of Digger. Not only do they plan to kill and skin Digger, but they want to "Write the lefthand names of God" on her skin. In purple ink.
 * Of course, this isn't a threat to them. This is what they do and they don't understand people not being thrilled by the idea.
 * Also, when Digger gets angry she says " "I'll kill it! I'll break its face and feed it gravel through a straw! I'll- I'll- (I will construct its dwelling with inferior materials!)".
 * Possibly justified, as wombats are a race of engineers and architects and have a lot of sayings and insults like this. Word of God is that they flow better in the original Wombat language.
 * Girl Genius has moments when Krosp I seems to let his Talking Animal instincts take over, as he warns, "I'm serious. Mess with me and your shoes are mine."
 * Agatha with her appreciation of Tarvek's proposal to "sort out" Gil.
 * In a Penny Arcade strip appropriately named "I Hope You Like Text", Tycho makes an extremely long and convoluted threat to Gabe for insisting Warhammer is a ripoff of Warcraft, the gist of which is "I will kill myself, take over Hell, drill my way back to Earth, incinerate you, and destroy the world." The speech is generally considered Tycho's Crowning Moment of Awesome.
 * The fans loved it so much, the Penny Arcade website now has a hoodie you can buy with the entire threat printed on the back. And it is awesome.
 * Used straight and then dragged out in this strip of A Modest Destiny.
 * From Narbonic:

"Torg: My New Years resolution is to avoid having Gwynn stick a fork in my head. Gwynn: Maybe I'll use a spoon. It'll hurt more."
 * From Picatrix: "And the third one, ooooooh, I still daydream about that one. About how much I would love to disembowel him with a rusty spoon." The dreamy sparkle in Winnie's eyes as she says this (about her horrible luck with boyfriends) is truly disturbing.
 * Something*Positive has many examples:
 * "DO NOT FUCK WITH ME, LITTLE MAN! My patience has long since been taxed and I will not hesitate to pull the oily rag you call a soul from your body, set it aflame, and jam it back down your gullet!"
 * "Yes, Jhim, very mad. In fact, I think if you'd done that, I'd have had to do something to show you how displeased I was, like finding where you sleep tonight, stake you through the heart with my penis and ejaculate steaming white hate into your blood."
 * "I'm not going to bully you, Cab. I'm going to sit back and watch as hordes of angry flannel-wearing women sodomize you with your own cock without severing it."
 * "I swear, if he upsets her one more time I'm gonna beat him so hard it'll send ripples back in time and prevent his granddaddy from plantin' baby seeds."
 * "If one spore's missing from my science project, I'll punch open your chest and fuck your still-beating heart." "Uh, Miss? You don't have a dick." "So you DID destroy my science project!"
 * Suicide for Hire features Hunter threatening a stalker thus.
 * In Cwen's Quest a young Cwen in a moment of full on freak out threatens to "eat" a raccoon to death.
 * In this Sluggy Freelance strip, the cute talking bunny of the strip threatens to neuter his owner with a spoon. Ouch.
 * And in another strip:

"Kestrel: Angela's one of my best friends, and if you do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to hurt her? I will rip your heart out. Via your urethra. Seamus: Ha! Yeah, I know, I... You aren't joking, are you? Kestrel: As serious as a hemophiliac in a razor factory."
 * Checkerboard Nightmare makes itself relevant again. The Secret Lawyers Society is so disappointed with Lyle that they're going to slowly decrease the temperature of the room until he has to put his hands in his pants pockets.
 * Questionable Content gave us the gem: "I will re-enact General Sherman's march to the sea, using your face as Georgia."
 * Marten's mother chipped in the delightfully open-to-interpretation: "If you hurt my boy I will introduce you to a whole new realm of suffering. We're talkin' stuff that would make Hieronymous Bosch shit his britches, capisce?"
 * In Buck Godot Zap Gun for Hire, the trope name is, due to the peculiarities of Hoffmanite culture, a perfectly viable threat.
 * While Hoffmanites may be able to make good on the spoon threat thanks to their great strength, there's probably only one race in the galaxy that considers "I'll floss his teeth!" to be a viable threat.
 * The Touhou fancomic Touhou Nekokayou has Tenshi threaten Marisa with "I'm gonna hit you so hard, your descendants will feel it!" (They do.)
 * "I'LL KILL YOU UNTIL YOU DIE *AGAIN* !!" (directed at a ghost)
 * "Mind your own business if you want to remain not on fire!"
 * Queen of Wands, here:

"Dan: Oh you sons of sea cows will wish you'd never been born with limbs on your bodies! Because I'm going to come on that ship and show you how many delicious stocks and braises I can make with them!"
 * The Adventures of Dr. McNinja's Dan McNinja does this in the last frame of this page to :

"Lothar: Thats it, I'll just kill them... with a spork!""
 * Tim Buckley in Ctrl+Alt+Del hates the cheapness that is Crimson Viper in Street Fighter IV. In his news post, he wishes he could punch her in the face with a cinderblock boxing glove. In the related comic, he swears he will "face fuck her with a dump truck."
 * Dominic Deegan features the appropriately-named Professor Runcible Spoon yelling "I'LL KILL YOU TIL YOU DIE FROM IT!"
 * In Bob and George, Bob once told Treble to stop chasing the mini-author or he'd "neuter him with a dull spoon."
 * Exterminatus Now gives us this delightful quote with Lothar as the gang ruin his birthday.

"...so you better get one thing straight in those whimpering skunk fetuses you twice-inbred Sasquatches dare call brains. If even one of you hemorrhaging shit-apes so much as blinks wrong, I'll see to it personally that you're lapping rat bile off an AIDS-infested twat rag by the end of the week. Got it?!"
 * In Vinci and Arty, Arty does not take kindly to unsafe drivers: "PUT YOUR GODDAMN CELL PHONE AWAY WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING BEFORE I SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR COLON YOU'LL BE FARTING FREE MINUTES FOR A WEEK!"
 * From Sodium Eyes, a strip full of odd analogies:

"Superintendent: He'll think twice about that. Officer: Sir!"
 * Bug shows us some discontinued methods of execution, which were discontinued for good reason.
 * From Hark! A Vagrant: "And if I catch you back here by God I'll make you sit in the corner MYSELF." And this after the threat of a Strongly Worded Letter.

"Ivy: Well, you'd better do your work and make me look good or so help me I'll... I'll... I'll be completely honest when I critique your art!"
 * In Bobwhite, Ivy successfully scares an art classroom into submission this way:


 * From Buttersafe's comic "The Threat": "If you say one more thing about my bike, I will punch you in every genital you own."

Web Original
"Bennett: I say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus, and play pinata with his entrails!"
 * In Doom House, the only line spoken by the Doll (over the phone) is a bizarre, falsetto... well, it's a threat, that much is obvious. Something to do with putting Reginald's hair in a bowl.
 * Sarah in the Lonelygirl15 episode "CAMP PLAY": "Get any closer and I will breathe on you!"
 * An example similar to the Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged one above occurs in the Potter Puppet Pals video "Wizard Swears".
 * In Doctor Horribles Sing Along Blog, the unseen character Bad Horse threatens to "make [Doctor Horrible] his mare." Doctor Horrible stops bobbing his head to the music and acquires an appropriately bewildered look.
 * Captain Hammer at one point confusingly threatens "It's curtains for you, Dr. Horrible. Lacy, gently-wafting curtains."
 * Spoofed in Web cartoon series Retarded Animal Babies. Puppy threatens to "vivisect [Cat] with [a] fondue fork" and "rape [him] with a handful of rusty corncob holders".
 * In the web cartoon "Go! Go! Mobaboy", the bad guy threatens our hero with "I'm gonna hit you so hard, your voice actor will feel it!"
 * YOU MOTHERFUCKER. I WILL PUNCH YOU IN YOUR FUCKING SOUL, YOU FUCKING ASSHAT
 * Happens sometimes in the Protectors of the Plot Continuum and Official Fanfiction University 'verse.
 * "If either of you finish that sentence, I'm going to hang you both from each other's intestinal tracts!"
 * "If you ever bring that up again, I'll deny everything and I will not rest until every student in this building is convinced that your human self is a thirty-five-year-old man."
 * "But you pull this come-wiz-me-to-ze-casbah routine on me again, and I?m still going to rip your teeth out. Through your rectum."
 * "You make one more comment about 'rat-onna-stick', PPC boy, and I will eat your soul."
 * "TWO WORDS, YOU MANURE-CONSUMING EXCUSE FOR A SPOTTY WHITE TOADSTOOL! LAWN MOWER!"
 * "One false move from yew, sir, one word outta yore mouth wot I don't like, an' I'll cockblock yer by kickin' it till ye 'ave a falsetto wot'd make Justin Bieber jealous." In the same MSTing, a reluctant riffer was threatened with being forced to hang around with resident Enfant Terrible Molly.
 * "Are you aware of the number of live eel larvae the nasal cavity can accommodate? Make me listen to one more comment about my name and you'll find out."
 * Parodied in The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon
 * Now with the Spaghetti Dinner of the Damned and the Spoon VS Spoon
 * In the Don't Press The Red Button game, at one point after clicking the button a certain number of times, it threatens to cut off your head with a toothbrush.
 * My Way Entertainment: From "Imma beat your ass Charles. Imma beat your ass with Charles" to "It's time for some Black on Black crime" to "If anybody say anything to anyone I will KILL every motherfucker in here you hear me bitch?!". And everything in between.
 * Jessi Slaughter will "pop a Glock in your mouth and make a brain slushie."
 * Dorkly.com has a regular feature that has loads of these.
 * In Kickassia, when Team TGWTG is plotting exactly how they're going to take down, Bennett the Sage comes up with this gem:


 * The bloopers take this farther: Bennett comes up with a series of increasingly cheerful and demented methods of torture, moving through "eviscerate him with a saw blade and laugh at his misfortune" and "strap him to a work bench, pour honey on his genitals, then FIRE ANTS" and finally landing on "I say we kill him."
 * In Smash Kingdom, King Dedede, a king with a nation of weapons and variance of abilities, is a bit too dependent on his hammer, as per the quotes page.
 * This video is about 80-90% this trope, containing many examples listed in the film folder (and many that aren't), including the trope namer.

Western Animation
""Hey Captain, I've got your key. I hope you're hungry. 'Cause I'm gonna feed it to you.""
 * On the Ghosts of Sargasso episode of The Venture Brothers, Brock Sampson acquires a walkie-talkie and uses it to threaten the "G.P." Captain with...

""See the way my body's glowing? Yeah. A lot of people can't do that. Okay, you want some? You want some of the glowing? Look, man, your soul? I'm gonna totally chew on it, and floss with your spirit. I read that somewhere. But I'll do it.""
 * In Sealab 2021, con man Master Loo is being challenged to a fight by one of the main characters when we begins levitatingand glowing green. He deapans the following:

""I will hang you out like laundry! I will beat you like a drum! I will make your mother cry! I will make your aunt Edna from Gorfield, south of Barnaby, cry!""
 * In Samurai Jack, Jack's first opponent in the Dome of Doom, Gordo the Gruesome, is a master of smack talk, and most of his threats follow this pattern. Behold:

"Filbert: (as the register reads $1.50) And your total is... (The clock strikes noon, and the total promptly jumps to $150) one hundred and fifty dollars. Gee... Looks like you just missed our big sale... Have a nice day... (Rocko looks on in horror, and after a few seconds, promptly flips the hell out) Rocko: You cheap little rotter! I've been run over by a car, made to drag around a gimp shopping cart, threatened by your gestapo security guards, had me head set on fire, I was attacked by wild lobsters, beaten by a very large woman, had me dog wrapped in plastic, nearly starved to death, and I still beat the twelve o'clock deadline! So if you don't change the total back to a dollar fifty, I WILL DO SOMETHING NOT NICE!!!!"
 * Simpsons example: Some of Moe's reactions to Bart's prank calls qualify for this, e.g. "Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!"
 * "If I find out who this is, I'll nail a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!"
 * "Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you! And then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!"
 * When Bart makes a prank call to a Swedish bar, the bartender, in a grim Ingmar Bergman parody, merely intones "If I ever find you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor."
 * Subverted on another occasion, where Homer enters the family's new horse in a race and declares "If he doesn't win, we're taking a trip to the glue factory... and he won't get to come."
 * When Homer gets a job as a tow truck driver, another driver says that if Homer treads on his turf, he'll "Rip off your head, vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, and then stuff them both down your neck-hole, to which I previously alluded."
 * Apu fails faking indignation badly: "I'm so angry I could just ... fall asleep!".
 * When Lisa finds out Bart has been using his Mr. Microphone to make the entire town think he was Timmy O'toole-in-the-well, she warns him that, once the townspeople find out, they're "going to want to cut you up with rusty razors."
 * A Giant Mook made the mistake of making a long and nonsensical one to Korgoth in Korgoth of Barbaria after Korgoth had just wiped the floor with the rest of the Mooks. When Korgoth loses patience with the speech, he interrupts by killing the Giant Mook in one of the most absurd/painful ways possible.
 * On Rocko's Modern Life, Rocko loses his patience with a supermarket cashier after he misses a big sale by a matter of seconds due to the cashier:

"Stewie: Fine, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you."
 * The cashier promptly turns it back to $1.50
 * Family Guy: When Chris asked Stewie if he wanted ice cream, this was his reply:

"Santa-bot: You dare bribe Santa?! I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!!"
 * In the Futurama episode "Xmas Story", when they try to avoid getting killed by Santa-bot by promising to put out milk and cookies for him.

"Mom: If I ever see that man [Prof. Farnsworth] again... I swear I'll jam a squirrel in him!"
 * And on "Mother's Day":

"Hermes: [discussing Nibbler] I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space."
 * And in "The Deep South":

"Roberto... And the other hamburger will also be made of your lungs."
 * From Insane in the Mainframe. Roberto's description of what will happen to Fry if he testifies against him:

"Don Karnage: When I catch that bothersome Baloo, I tear him into itsy-bitsy pieces of ugly bear! Then I will sew him back together with dull needles!"
 * Don Karnage does this in Tale Spin.

""I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And I'll put that flea in a box. And then I'll put that box in another box. Then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives, I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this!""
 * In The Emperors New Groove, Yzma outlines her plan for killing Kuzco:

""Ugh! Starscream and Blackarachnia! I'll have both their treacherous hides! Yeeessss...I'll-I'll melt them down and use them for aluminum siding! Oh, yes, indeed!""
 * On South Park, Wendy challenges Cartman to a fight and threatens to shove his head up his own ass and make him eat his own underwear. Cartman, desperate to back out of the fight, offers to eat his underwear so she won't have to. And then he does.
 * Megatron of Beast Wars has a good one when he discovers that Starscream is being, well, The Starscream.

"Mandy: You're gonna do it, or so help me, I will pull your stupid cloak through your eyes and use it as reins to ride your bony butt back to the darkest pits of the Underworld FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!"
 * Drawn Together: "Then Ling-Ling kill you slow and use skull for sex, then as decorative birdhouse!"
 * The early-00's Action Man cartoon did contain one gem of a line: "If he comes back, I'll rip his head off and shove it up his nose... Wait, his nose is on his head, THAT WON'T WORK!"
 * The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy:

"Grim (while he's in the "anger" stage of grief): I'm gonna rip Boogey's nose off and put it in a jar!"
 * Later in Big Boogey Adventure

"Ren: Oh, what I'm gonna do to you... I'm so angry! First, I'm gonna tear your lips out! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do! And then? I'm gonna gouge your eyes out! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do... Next, I'm gonna-- TEAR YOUR ARMS OUT OF THE SOCKETS! And you wanna know what else? I'm gonna hit ya-- and you're gonna faaaaaall. And I'm gonna look down-- and I'm gonna laaaaaaaugh."
 * Ren and Stimpy, "Sven Hoek":

""When I get back here, if I find a single dog hair I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes. Also, I need you to go buy sand. I don't know if they grade it, but...coarse." "I'm gonna pain you dearly, Wodehouse, when I peel off all your skin with a flencing knife! And then sew it into Wodehouse pajamas! And then set those pajamas on fire!" "And now I have to spend the first weekend I've had off in forever coming up with some kind of punishment for this. So don't be surprised if you end up...eating a lot of spiderwebs.""
 * Too bad almost all of this was taken out of the current broadcasts on Nicktoons Network.
 * Archer: Archer does this to Wodehouse all the time:

"As I ram your carcass through an impossibly small hole into a sea of flaming hot human feces, and you can't draw a breath yet your lungs are filled with that same flaming hot human feces!"
 * The Devil's descriptions of hell on Squidbillies, especially in the song "Hoofprints":

"Peggy: Oh, I'm so glad you forgave him. I'm not sure how you were going to "Drive your truck through his ass", but you sounded serious."
 * Hey Arnold!: When Lila is chosen to be Juliet for the School play with Arnold, Helga does everything talk her out of it, but eventually Lila manages to get Helga to confess the truth about why she wants to be Juliet so badly. Upon revealing this Helga threatens that if Lila ever told anyone she would pull out her tongue and wrap it around her neck.
 * King of the Hill has this bit of dialouge in one episode:

"Sergei: I will plant the seeds of revenge and let them grow, then I'll harvest the vegetables of revenge and from those vegetables, I will plant more seeds! Stan: And then you'll get your revenge. Sergei: No, Smith. From the third or perhaps fourth harvest of revenge plants, I will make stew and season it perfectly, with revenge!"
 * In the episode "Red October Sky" of the show American Dad, Sergei, a retired communist spy who swore revenge against Stan, makes a odd threat against him at the end of the episode.

""I'm gonna rip you up and put you back together in a new configuration just to mow my lawn.""
 * Fairly Oddparents: In the episode where Mark made his debut, an episode of Crash Nebula that Timmy, AJ and Chester were watching, had enemy aliens holding a bunch of astronauts hostage and threatening them that they'd suck out their brains with a straw. Later, Mark used the exact same threat against AJ and Chester when he kept them captive before Timmy came to the rescue.
 * The grand battle scene against Dr. D's robot army in Phineas and Ferb: Across The Second Dimension is set to an original song titled Robot Riot, which packs some choice threats in its lyrics. Granted, they are threats against robotkind, but they're still really colorful. Eg: