Mock the Week/Quotes

"Andy Parsons: (Re: Countdown) "I think Dictionary Corner would be quite happy to be unionised, because it is in fact a nine letter word"."

Spinning The News

"(Frankie on gay rights) "(Concerning gay adoption) I'd have loved to have had a gay dad. You know how in the playgrounds it's always 'my dad could beat up your dad', or 'my dad could outrun your dad'? ""

"(Stuart Francis on schooling) "You are looking at a very proud Canadian, who is very proud of the education system in Canadia... I was horrible in school, I failed math so many times that I can't even count... I preferred French over Chemistry, because the Chemistry teacher and I just didn't have any, eh... rapport... One teacher told me I'd be a better student if I didn't spend so much time flirting, I immediately jumped off his lap... One teacher used to always say I wasn't very observant, but you know what? That was his or her opinion... I was going to join the debating team, but someone talked me out of it... In high school I was voted Most Likely To... Reminisce..." *trails off*"

"(Ed on piracy) "Ooh this music's so funky it makes me want to obey the law.""

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

"Answer: 25 in a row "...how many times has Dara cracked one off to watching Blue Peter?""

Scenes We'd Like To See

"(On "Weird Things To See On A Roadsign") Frankie: "Stop. Hammertime."

Russell: (mimes driving) "You're Very Lonely, Aren't You, Russel?" (does a double take)

Andy: "Accident on Opposite Carriageway. Quick! Look!"

Frankie: "No left turn. No right turn. No entry. No reversing. Get out of the car and put your hands on your head. DO IT!!""

"(on "Deleted Lines From A Fantasy Film") Russell: "I am Aragorn, sone of Aarathorn, the heir to Isildur and part of the Fellowship of the Ring... please leave a message after the tone."

Frankie: "Ron had been suffering from swine flu and people were avoiding him... luckily he was a ginger and he was used to it."

Hugh: "I don't know why you're so upset Harry, the real Dumbledore died three films ago and noone gave a shit."

Russell: "'Did you find Narnia in the wardrobe?' 'No Edmund, we found your Porn Stash...' "

Frankie: "We had only been there a day, but for us it felt like fifteen years... that's Birmingham."

Russel: "He stole it from me, my Precious, m- Oh, it's in me pocket..."

Greg Davies: "Hey, John. How's it going? All right? Yeah. How're the kids? All right. See you later.""

"(on "Unlikely Lines from a Thriller") Hugh: "Get me the Pentagon... and then the triangle and then the square..." Andy: "Ah, Pussy Galore, Bond here... I've been told by my doctors that I need to contact all previous partners..."

Frankie: "The owner of this motel dresses up as his mother and stabs people, but the guidebook says it's still better than The Ibis."

Hugh: "Red or green! Red or green! Which one am I supposed to cut?! Come on, they're only peppers, how long is this salad going to take?!"

Andy: "The Orient Express has been cancelled, however there was a murder on the temporary Orient replacement bus."

Russell: "I have amnesia: the tattoos on my body will tell me what happened." *checks self* "'Dara Was here'?" *Dara nods*

Frankie: "I've been a serial killer for four years and the police has never given me a nickname... but then you bite ONE GUY ON THE ARSE, and suddenly you're The Buttmuncher."

Russell: (leaping in pain) "AAAAHH!! THE BUTTMUNCHER'S GOT ME!! THE BUTTMUNCHER'S GOT ME!!""

"(on "Ill Advised Things to Say in Court") Andy: "How could she have seen my face?! I was wearing a balaclava!" Frankie: "So, to summarise, there's no evidence, but he does look a bit rapey."

Mark Watson: "Well, if stabbing a man makes me guilty, I'm guilty!"

Frankie: "I would like to present my own defence, through the medium of dance!"

Russel: "Oi, Wiggy, I've done your daughter!""

""Welcome to Mock the Week: After Dark. I'm Dara Ó Briain, and this... is my penis.""

- Frankie Boyle

""Yes, well it's... definitely stuck up there... wes may, er... we may have to use the ferret.""

- Hugh Dennis

Headliners

"(the letters are P.T.F.C.) Milton Jones: "Performers Try Find Caption?" Russell Howard (upon discovering it relates to the MP's expenses scandal): "Payback The Fucking Cash!""