Harry Potter and the Something Something

""Or it could be because all the important characters are now at a fairly acceptable age to start having sex. One or the other.""

A Harry Potter mockfic by Legendary Legacy hosted on Fanfiction.net, aiming to mock most Harry Potter fanfiction clichés.

One summer day Harry wakes up, but something seems wrong... Namely, someone has tied him to the bed with an enormous length of chain. So begins the tale, where Harry seems to have wandered into a strange reality; where Draco's a veela in love with him, the Dursleys are worse than Voldemort, his best friends are "a couple of greedy, jealous, power-hungry, self-serving, backstabbing gits", and Dumbledore's a villain with a broken Inner Monologue.

Also, people keep bothering the Dark Lord for some reason.

Can be found here.

"Dumbledore [happily]: Ooh, triplets for Ms. Blaise."
 * But I Can't Be Pregnant: Harry gains an Unwanted Harem, including OC Stand Ins Su Li and Blaise Zabini. Everyone refuses to believe that Zabini, commonly assumed in Fanon to be a girl, is in fact a boy. When Dumbledore spikes the harem's drinks with some sort of pregnancy spell, Zabini just looks at his several discarded drinks in utter horror.

"Perhaps this is for the best. Harry could work out much better for my master plan than Daniel, anyway. After spending his whole life abused and unloved, his need for attention and affection will have him following my every word without question. It's perfect! Dumbledore: That wasn't out loud again, was it?. McGonagall: It was, Albus."
 * Did I Just Say That Out Loud?: Dumbledore speaks out loud whenever he tries to think quietly about his evil plans. Fortunately for him, Harry just ignores him.

"All right, all right, fine! Just don't complain to me when tragedy strikes and you're not prepared to prevent it! Harry sighed happily, and snuggled back into the now truly completely normal oblivion."
 * Dream Sequence: After Sirius' will is conducted while Harry was in jail (for about 15 minutes), Dumbledore informs Harry that he now has 4 wives, one of which is clearly male. His brain shuts down and falls into oblivion, and the narration starts describing a Dream Sequence. Harry, having enough, interrupts and tells it to stop ruining his unconsciousness.

""I don't know, Uncle Vernon. I mean, you're already allowing me only the barest minimal necessities for keeping me alive. You're also beating me on a four times a day basis, five times on Saturday since it's your day off, plus the beatings that Dudley and his friends give me whenever they feel like it. Also, I've never been allowed to properly tend to any of the wounds I've received from those beatings, so my body's probably heavily infected in multiple places right now. You killed my owl and then forced me to cook her for your supper, and then beat me because she was too salty. I could honestly die any day now of starvation, dehydration, overexertion, or a combination of all three. The jury's still out on whether or not I've contracted cancer from that toxic waste you dumped on me the other day, and let's not forget that I'm also mentally scarred, not just from all the verbal abuse I take from you three, but also from seeing my godfather, the last remaining family I have that cared about me even the slightest bit, killed right in front of me not so long ago. I can honestly say that my life sucks about as hard as is metaphorically possible already and, off the top of my head, can't think of a single way that you could make it worse short of murdering the rest of my friends in front of me."
 * Fanon Discontinuity: Referenced in the opening paragraph: Most fan fic seems to split off somewhere between the fifth and sixth books, due to popular consensus that this was when the series started to suck (or because most of the characters would be at an acceptable age to start having sex).
 * Fandom-Specific Plot: the tendency of nearly ALL "Harry-in-Azkaban" stories being a rehash of The Count of Monte Cristo is FINALLY made public.
 * Hilariously Abusive Childhood: As part of the parody, Harry's parents may not be dead... but instead only love Daniel, who they think is the real boy who lived, and completely ignore Harry. The Dursleys' abuse is also exaggerated.

Vernon thought about that for a moment, making a mental note to return that toxic waste barrel to the dump before Dudley started eating it. There had to be something he could do to further torment the boy. What else did he have to live for if he couldn't fulfill such sadistic pleasures anymore?

Then an idea came to him. "Well, what if I were to violate you sexually?"

"...Well, there you go: that would do it," Harry said with a firm certainty."

"xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx: Number 1: Calling you things that sound like your name, but are actually hilarious insults. For example: things like 'Voldywarts', or 'Moldyshorts', or- Voldemort: Crucio."
 * Inner Monologue: Dumbledore tries to do have some, but he keeps speaking aloud.
 * Love Potion: Ginny tries to give one to Harry (disguised as a butterbeer) when she finds out that he . Before that, she uses one on him as a test before she uses on Daniel; unfortunately the harpy's blood in the potion had to be Type A Positive lest the subject be poisoned instead.
 * Luke, I Am Your Father: Hermione turns out to be the lovechild of Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange.
 * Parody: The whole thing is a parody of Potter fan fic clichés, but one specific parody is taken at "100 Ways to Annoy Voldemort" lists by a fictional xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx. Voldemort proceeds to torture her to death.
 * Spit Take: Dumbledore spikes Harry's Unwanted Harem with some sort of pregnancy spell. They spew in unison.
 * Take That: Being a mockfic, the series insults many cliches.
 * One character with the mysterious name of "xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx" ends up being tortured to death when she tries to test out her list of One Hundred Ways to Totally Annoy Dark Lords on Voldemort.

""Hello, my naame iz Enoby-" "Reducto!" The girl stared down at the gaping hole in her torso where her vital organs used to be, then back up at him. "Whatev. Ur juts a dum prep anywayz." Then she collapsed in a dead heap. Voldemort then set fire to the body, then cast a strong wind spell to scatter the ashes far and away, and went back inside."
 * Ebony from My Immortal also winds up on Voldemort's doorstep. He is less than happy to see her.

""Magic, Harry. Magic.""
 * Unwanted Harem: Harry has one forced on him, including a boy, a generic OC Stand-In, and many more.
 * A Wizard Did It: Somehow Harry's twin Daniel is the direct descendant of the four Hogwarts Founders, as well as Merlin, Morgana, Baba Yaga, the Scarlet Witch and the Witch of Endor. The explanation why Harry isn't also a direct descendant?