Riff Trax/Funny/Film Franchises

Batman Forever
"Later: "I wonder what Commissioner Gordon is wearing right now...""
 * This one's notable for being done not by the usual group, but by Doug Walker, his brother Rob, and Brian Hines, with plenty of good lines including the following:
 * "Everytime I meet a guy, he's either gay or Batman." "Sometimes both!"
 * "Harvey, you need help." "Yes, listen to the man in the Bat suit."
 * Doubles as a Shout-Out to The Critic's review of Batman and Robin.
 * "Why is no one undressing Comissioner Gordon with their eyes?"

"Two-Face: "Heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damn head off!" (throws coin into the air) Doug, Rob & Brian: "TAILS! TAILS! TAILS!""
 * "How do you sneak acid into a court house?" "And isn't it a conflict of interest to have Batman on the jury?"
 * "Ronita, Roberto, and Robespierre" "And I'm Dick!"
 * "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman, and so's my wife!"
 * "In honor of the Graysons, send in the clowns..." (scene changes to outside Wayne Manor) "...Aaand a horse humping a rock. Way to ruin the moment, thank you Joel Schumacher."
 * [After Batman is buried under a pile of sand] And to add insult to injury, Catwoman will now take a dump on him.
 * "Is this a robin?" "No, it's a helmet, you dumbass."
 * "I shall be the Green Lightbulb!"
 * This:


 * "Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, they're not."
 * "Oh God, they're not even trying anymore." "Even the Electric Mayhem wasn't this electric." "Looks like board game night at Elton John's house."
 * "Tell me your fantasies." "Oh. Oh, that's just nasty." "Tell me your secrets." "Oh, ew, with a kumquat?"
 * "I'm going to tell her... everything." "Even the sex change." "What?" "Nothing!"
 * "Which one should I steal? Adam West, Michael Keaton... Clooney? What the...?"
 * "Wayne Manor..." "...he killed how many prostitutes this time?"
 * "Trick or treat!" "I'll unleash the hounds."
 * "This is the douchiest way to do your laundry ever."
 * "Mom, why are we walking through David Lynch's brain? It's so foggy and scary and empty in here!"
 * "Hey, look, the first Batman movie is on!" "Have you ever frolicked with a fox in a flickering fire? ...no, wait, that's terrible; wait there, kid, I got a couple more I want to try..."
 * "It's happening again..." "I'll have Alfred get the rubber pants."
 * [in a campy, lisping voice] Hi! This is Joel Schumacher. Allow me to explain this sudden change in style, location, and lighting.... I'm a bad director. The explanation is over.
 * (On the Riddler's light-up suit) "Guess where he hid the battery."
 * (In response to a close-up of a very... unfortunate... place...)"Why is there a zipper there?!"
 * (After Batman enters Riddler's very cheesy lair) Ugh... I miss the Joker.
 * "Hey, it's Two and A Half Men."
 * "Edward Nigma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman." "Who is this 'Adam West' he speaks of?"
 * "Uh... are they holding hands? "There's nothing ambiguous about it anymore..."
 * "Tommy Lee Jones IS Billy Dee Williams IN the role Aaron Eckhardt made famous!"
 * "I think Commissoner Gordon has entered his second childhood." "Hee hee hee, hahaha! I WANT COTTON CANDY! I WANT A CANDY APPLE! BRUCE, GET ME SOME COTTON CANDY!"
 * The Running Gag about the Dawson Casting of Dick. "I'm 15, really" "Oh God, I'm an orphan. A 28-year-old orphan" "I wish I was never legally made your ward at the age of 34"
 * "I gotta save that booty, and Dr. Meridian."
 * "HI! I'M YOUR DESTINY!"

Batman and Robin
"Mr. Freeze: I hate it when people talk during the movie! Bill: Uh, hey guys, can he hear us? Mike: Could be worse...he used to be able to see us, too.
 * A choice selection can be found here. But for specifics...

Bill: Good point."

"Robin: I want a car! Mike: I gave you a bus pass; wasn't that good enough? Robin: Chicks dig the car!
 * I'm George Clooney and I'm...sorry.

Batman: This is why Superman works alone.

Bill: Actually it's because of his crippling Asperger's Syndrome."

"Mike: (during the opening Lock and Load Montage) You didn't accidentally rent Butt-Man & Robin, did you? Kevin: Come on, Mike; I wouldn't make that mistake a third time!"
 * "Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon! We were waiting for the car to slowly spiral out of the floor!"
 * "The ice-man cometh!" "The audience goeth!"
 * "So where did [Mr. Freeze] get these guys, anyway? Was there an ad that said, ?

"Poison Ivy: First...I'll rid myself of the fur and feathered pests... Bill: She's gonna bomb AnthroCon?"
 * And thus ends the Greek artifact / dinosaur / big freaking diamond exhibit.

"Mad Scientist: I have created viaducts into the most primitive part of his brain -- Mike: The gonads!"

"Poison Ivy: I am Nature’s arm! Her spirit! *crash* Her will! *crash* Bill: Her PMS!"
 * "PHYSICS!"

"Kevin: It looks like a Dalek that went to Hot Topic."
 * About Mr. Freeze's pointy-mobile:

"Kevin: Okay, spiky gloves? Bill: Check. Kevin: Impractical heels?
 * (Frozen phonebooth) "NO! Not the TARDIS!!!
 * Don't forget this little exchange:

Bill: Check.

Kevin: Gorgeous ass?

Bill: Check.

Kevin: And of course, the rubber nipp--hey!

Bill: Booo...Double Standard!"

"Bruce: Is it always my way or the highway? Alfred: Why yes, actually. Bill: PWNED! Mike: Uh, actually, you don't pronounce the P, it's just "Owned". Bill: ...And how do you know that, Mike? Mike: I-I was guessing... Bill: Yeah right! NERD! (laughs) PWNED! Mike: Okay, now you're just doing that on purpose!"
 * "Quick Robin, he's heading into Narnia!" "We're seeing the clouds of cocaine that fueled the script-writing session behind this movie."
 * "Bat Skates, Bat Bombs, what's next, Shark Repellant?"
 * Also, this bit:

"Poison Ivy: Some lucky boy's about to hit the honeypot. Bill: Oh bother!"
 * "Uh oh, they're gonna start humping the aquarium..."
 * At the auction:

"Kevin: (as the rocket smashes through the museum's skylight) If you want to view paradise~"
 * "Yes! Now to fulfill my lifelong dream of shooting a man into space and forcing him to watch really bad movies!"


 * We simply can't forget this little homage after Bane is first created: "Now we'll put boxing gloves on his hands, sit him in front of a computer and force him to answer emails!"

The Dark Knight
"Kevin: (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning litre of drug store vodka sir. Mike: (as Nick Nolte, in a deep gravely voice) Just put it next to my early morning litre of drug store vodka... Kevin: (as Alfred) The empty one sir? Mike: (as Nolte) Yeah, you got it. Bill: Nick Nolte sounds like Batman! (Mike and Kevin laugh) Mike: .... You don't think?... (all gasp)"
 * (Alfred enters a shipping crate to get to the new Batman lair)

""His chin ass is obscene!" "Bet his chin butt raises food safety issues." "His hatchet-jaw easily cuts through the thickest crowds.""
 * Jokes made at the expense of Aaron Eckhart's "chin ass."

"Rachel: What are you doing? Bill: He's mine, damn it!"
 * During Batman's Hong Kong mission: "A hostage situation has developed at Nakatomi Plaza."
 * "Judge Grandma, serves brownies and justice piping hot."
 * Bruce Wayne knocks out Harvey Dent:

"Joker Mook: Hands up, pretty boy! Bill (as Bruce takes down the Mook): Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!"
 * When Bruce Wayne encounters one of Joker's thugs:

"Batman: "SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS!"
 * "Then you're gonna love me... people say I have a puckish sense of feistiness that's irresistible."
 * Bill's overjoyed exclamation of Krankor! when the Joker's sarcastic laughter interrupts the mob meeting.
 * From Batman's interrogation of Maroni:

Bill: "RAWR!""

"Kevin: "Don't act so surprised, after all that was part of his campaign slogan." Mike: "And what did you think the 'B' in Harvey B. Dent stood for? Milhouse?""
 * When Harvey claims to be Batman:

""What the hell is that?" "It's a windshield, Bob!" As the Tumbler smashes through a wall: "OH YEAH!""
 * During the street chase:

""You ever wonder if Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask On-Star 'WHERE ARE THEY!?'" When Harvey Dent wakes up in the warehouse: "I wonder if he's thinking 'WHERE AM I?'""
 * The RT crew chuckling during Batman's "WHERE ARE THEY!?" screams as they literally feel the effects of Narm. Results in a running gag throughout the rest of the commentary.

"Joker: Do you know why I use a knife? Mike (as Joker): Because soup tastes better when it's difficult."
 * "...and I won't kill you, because I liked you in Newsies."
 * The Joker explaining his madness:

"Bill: He's the first non-duck to amass enough wealth to do that."
 * When the Joker slides down that massive mountain of moolah:

"Harvey: "...You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." [Whistle!] Bill: "Foreshadowing penalty; clumsy sentence; seating plot point; makes no sense; fifteen yards; repeat third down.""
 * The annual Police vs. Firemen softball ends horribly again.
 * When the title appears at the end, and the trio presumes the movie was filmed backwards, wondering what kind of crazy director would film their movie backwards...
 * The Movie Referee.

"(Close up on the bomb countdown.)) Rachel: "Harvey, calm down." ''Will counting down from forty help?""
 * During the scene with Rachel and Harvey tied up.

"Rachel: Can anybody hear me?! Kevin: For the last time, NO!"
 * Also:

"Passenger (a woman with dreadlocks): Go ahead, do it! Mike: Ms. Cleo commands you!"
 * "During the scene on the ferries:

General

 * The Harry Potter series as a whole has a long Running Gag of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping Death Trap, given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
"Bill: Bonesaw is ready....to be the father you never had"
 * After Hagrid breaks down the door

""Anyone else want to be a hero?""
 * "His jammies show that he means business."
 * "And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
 * "Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
 * "Somewhere out there, beneath the paaaale moonliiiight..."
 * After Hermione cast a full body-bind curse on Neville

"Harry: Excuse me... Bill: Could you please kill these horrible people?"
 * Mike: WE DON'T NEED NO wizard EDUCATION!
 * Upon meeting Hagrid:

"Kevin: On my signal, untether Purgatory!"
 * Bill: Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!
 * The first Quidditch match:

"Mike: Mrowrning, class!"
 * When McGonagall turns from cat to human in the classroom:

"Mike: Sieg heil--I mean, up!"
 * "Join us, son... join ussss..."
 * Draco summoning his broomstick:

Kevin: Troll in the dungeon and pumpkins in the sky! Mike: More like "gin in the teacher." "Ron: The queen will take me. Bill: A phrase uttered nightly by George Michael."
 * Quirrell: TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!
 * During the life-size wizard chess game:

"Kevin: (as Voldemort's face) "What's going on? Are we winning? What's that smell?""
 * During the Finger-Poke of Doom scene:

"Bill: It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying."
 * When Hermione is moping in the restroom

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
"Mike (as Uncle Vernon): * gasp* Bacon sandwiches, is that you? ... Mike: Pork where you are, in the name of gravy! Kevin: (falling out the window) Tell sausage I love iiiiiit!"
 * "Bet you can't guess how drunk we are!"
 * "Ron! Fred! George!" "Ringo!"
 * When Harry is escaping from the window

"Mike: Yes, treat your family and friends to the flavor of traditional Northern Irish ham."
 * On Gilderoy Lockhart's introduction:

"Filch: You've murdered my cat. Mike: You shall become my new cat."
 * "Charlotte's funeral service just let out."
 * Upon finding Mrs. Norris petrified:

"Mike: Quidditch: it's like the WNBA divided by curling! Kevin: Quidditch: it's what your wife sees when you make her watch baseball! Bill: Quidditch: there's actually videos of people trying to play it on Youtube! Bill: Quidditch: take NASCAR, subtract the drunks, sunburn, and Confederate flags, but yet still somehow make it much, much worse."
 * (on Harry speaking parseltongue) "I believe that translates to "Watch out for snakes."
 * The disclaimers about Quidditch:

"Hermione: Do you think he's all right? Ron: Who cares? Mike: I came for blood!"
 * (of Malfoy) "Boy, is my face punchable!"
 * When Snape hurls Lockhart to the ground during the duel session:

"Mike: (as Hedwig, perched nonchalantly on the nightstand) Okay, I did it. I was bored. Hoo."
 * Harry, Ron, and Hermione run into Harry's room to find everything messed up.

"Mike: (laughs) Nice sword work, Harry. Skip fencing, too, I see. Kevin: Oh no, he went, but his instructor was Mr. Bean."
 * "Check, pleeease."
 * "For God's sake, CHEEEEECK."
 * "The Justice League of Hogwarts answers the call!"
 * As Harry flails wildly with his sword during the battle with the basilisk.

"Kevin: (as Tom Riddle) Ooh, when I turned myself into a book, I never imagined for a moment that books could be damaged. Bill: I should have laminated myself!"
 * As Harry stabs the diary Horcrux:

"McGonagall: "Today we will be transforming animals into water-goblets." Kevin: "Why? Because we can! Mwehehehehe!""
 * "Sweep the leg, Draco."
 * Any time any of the riffers mimic's Dumbledore's wheezing.
 * Commentary on the general cruelty of the wizarding world, such as

"Bill: "Buy the new bestseller by Tom Clancy, "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!""
 * On the enchanted diary:

"*WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE* "Did he just die right there?""
 * Dumbledore: [Raspy] In the past few hours...

"Bill: "Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!""
 * Dumbledore: "All exams have been canceled."

"Mike: For God--you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible! Kevin: You know, we had a screen door just like this at our cabin, my mom must have told me a hundred times, "Don't slam the (makes Parseltongue sounds)!""
 * Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:

"Neville: (hanging from the chandelier by the collar of his shirt) Why is it always me? Mike: Biddle-ee-bink-dee-bink, boing! And now can we PLEASE HAVE A STORY?!"
 * The endless round of applause that closes the film is taken to its logical conclusion: the whole hall has been cursed to applaud for eternity, or at least until their deaths.
 * After Hermione freezes the pixies Lockhart let loose:

"Ron: Eat slugs! Mike: Magic words: they're Latin except when they're not."
 * Ron's curse:

"Bill: It's Harry in a wig, isn't it?"
 * About Moaning Myrtle:

"Harry: "Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent." Mike: "We have the word of a hideously giant spider that tried to eat us and that's good enough for me.""
 * After the spider scene:

"Bill: "Accidentally released a half-a-dozen unrepentent serial killers instead.""
 * "I'm a faucet, I actually don't understand any language."
 * Hagrid: "The owl carrying my release papers got all lost and confused..."

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban
"Lupin: Picture your grandmother's clothes, only her clothes. Mike: Now imagine them crumpled in the corner of my bedroom, hehehe."
 * "If you bring me flesh I will do your bidding."
 * "Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
 * Mike's Dementor song.
 * The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
 * Bill: [as a student] Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
 * The boggart scene.

"Hermione: (pointing at Lupin) He's a werewolf! That's why he's missing classes! Mike: (as Lupin) Well, I'm a werewolf who smokes a lot of dope, and that's why I've been missing classes."
 * The truth comes out:

"Hagrid: Nice and low... Mike: OH GOD, not THAT low!"
 * When bowing to Buckbeak:

"Hermione: That felt good. Ron: Not good: BRILLIANT! Bill: Yes, truly a masterful work of genius. Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a small pool of vomit!"
 * After Hermione punches Malfoy:

Mike: I don't; sorry. "Kevin (as Sirius): I'm gonna get out of here, change my name to Gordon, and commission!"
 * Lupin: I've looked worse; believe me.
 * During a shot of Sirius in prison:

"Mike (quietly and sinisterly): E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo...''"
 * Mike's mix of the Dementors and Oompa-Loompas.

""Ah, so you need parent's permission to visit the local tea shop but Quidditch? The less parents know the better.""
 * While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played Eragon hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
 * Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
"Mike:"Ahh! Undead!"
 * When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:

Bill:"Quick! Fall in love with it! Ahh!"

Kevin:"Make that love codependent and brooding! Ahh!"

Mike:"I'm very mumbly and pause-filled! Ahhhhhhhhhh!""

"Moody: I'll teach you to curse someone while their back is turned! Mike: By cursing you while your back is turned."
 * [Moody transforms Draco into a ferret]

"Malfoy: "My father will hear of this!" Kevin: "Yeah, when he sees the headline "Douche Humiliated".""
 * After the ferret episode:

"Harry: "Myrtle..." Bill: "Why aren't you in Hell?""
 * "CSI: Burwick-Upon-Tweed"
 * Bill (as Dumbledore): "I will now fight the big lady to the death!"
 * As Moaning Myrtle flirts shamelessly with a bathing Harry:

"Kevin: Hey, it's Doctor... Uh... Mike: Who. Kevin: I'm trying to remember, give me a second."
 * Bill: "The collective might of the Wizarding World is helpless against six bad guys."
 * David Tenant appears on screen:

"Barty Crouch Sr.: The rules are absolute Kevin: WE MUST ANNEX DAS SUDETENLAND!!! Barty Crouch Sr.: The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract. Kevin: Like the Munich Agreement Barty Crouch Sr.: Mr. Potter has no choice! He is...as of tonight... Kevin: OUR NEW FUHRER!!!"
 * Kevin's interpretation of Roger Lloyd Pack's appearance of Barty Crouch Sr. looking like Hitler and then proceeding to act as such.

"Dumbledore: I think therefore you have the right to know how he died. Mike: Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby."
 * Cedric Diggory's memorial service

"Alastor Moody:YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED... Mike: YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH.THE LIMITS.OF HAMINESS!!!"
 * Alastor Moody's first Defense Against the Dark Art's Class

"Bill: Longbottom's transformation into Oscar Wilde is right on schedule. Mike: There's a schedule for that does it? Bill: Very rigorous."
 * Before the second task

"Mike: I get it, he's lonely! We don't need to see how he deals with it!"
 * When Harry is having a nightmare (he's lying in bed, eyes closed, sweating and shifting):

"Moody: Give us a curse. Bill (as Ron): Uh...Sugartits?"
 * During Moody's class on the Unforgivable Curses:

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
"Kevin: The third... Esquire... Jr.......Mrs."
 * Dumbledore: Albus... Percival... Wulfric... Brian... Dumbledore.

"Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts- Bill: Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages? Kevin: Mr. Minister do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa? Mike: [as Fudge] Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school."
 * [During Fudge's press interview]

"Harry: LOOK AT ME! Bill: A phrase that sums up the life of Paris Hilton. Harry: What's happening to me? Kevin: A phrase that sums up the life of Lindsay Lohan."
 * Mike: The Floo Network, it's like The Food Network but instead of cooking it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
 * [In Dumbledore's office]

"Mike: [as Dumbledore] So Harry, how are your classes going?"
 * [After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic]

"Ron: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger? Mike: I AM THE DEMON BELTHAGORE!!! Wha - whoops! I mean - I mean no one! Nothing!"
 * "Good morning, evil grandma!"
 * This bit:

"Mike: "Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins.""
 * They have a lot of fun with Luna Lovegood.

"Mike: (as a kitten plate) "Hi. Welcome to Hell.""
 * "If the kitchens ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school."
 * "I only eat moonbeams."
 * As Harry enters Umbridge's office:

"Mike:(As Harry) Dumbledore, shouldn't we have a spell that fixes eyesight? It seems like that... Kevin: MORE CHOCOLATE FROGS AND BOOGER FLAVORED JELLY BEANS!"
 * Harry puts on his glasses

"Kevin: "Gah! Avada Kedavra!""
 * "And somewhere on the internet a new fanfic pairing is born"
 * "Sometimes you just need a good burp to get out the Dark Lord"
 * When Fred and George suddenly aparate right next to Harry:


 * A small, but great bit comes when they suddenly have Umbridge hiss at Fred and George.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
"Mike: "And stop wearing that shirt that says 'Doing Ron's sister.'""
 * Hermoine: "If I were you, when he's around, I'd keep the snogging to a minimum."

"Mike: "The Harry Potter series summed up in five words.''"
 * Dumbledore: "Harry do as I say."

"Snape: Retrieve . . your . . wand. 'Mike: (as Snape): And . . do it . . quickly."
 * Any time in the series Mike shows off his Snape impression but especially later in the series:


 * "Dragon.........balls?"
 * "Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner."

Raiders of the Lost Ark
"Dietrich: I am uncomfortable with the thought of this Jewish ritual. Bill: I like my foreskin!"
 * A lot of it can be found here.
 * "Gestapo Pizza!"
 * "They've seig-heil'd so many times, the words have lost all meaning."
 * "The gasoline! What will power our Nazi go-karts?"
 * "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again, shoot him!"
 * "The idol is mooning us with full cheek spread!"
 * "So it's one tug for I found it, two tugs for The mummy is real and absorbing my soul."
 * "Please, sir, that is our only horse!" "Cram it, Osama!" "That is our only means of bringing water to the village! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
 * "And thus, Al Qaeda is born."
 * "Indiana Jones, meet Dusseldorf Strauss!"
 * "Goinonbreaknowbye!"


 * "The funeral of Gary Coleman was a sad affair."
 * During the bar fight: "Oh good, a... pirate".
 * "Forgive me, father, I killed, like, eight guys today...hey, kid! Get out of my confessional!" "This is our kitchen." "No, you're drunk!" "Daddy!"
 * "Its filled with Skittles!"
 * "Grandpa tried to light the grill again."
 * "Hey boss! Guess what? (THUD) I'm dead."
 * "All these people do is get stoned out of their gourd and laugh like the Predator!"
 * "Oh great, fanboys! Look, I've told you: I don't give a damn who shot first!"
 * *WHAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAG Ghh" "GO PACKERS!"
 * "Hitler, crazy? That's a reach."

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
"Indy: You're not from around here, are you? Spalko: Where is it you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones? Kevin Murphy: I'm guessing the Bullwinkle Show. Indy: Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-u's, I should think maybe Eastern Ukraine. Mike Nelson: Hm, I was thinking Fake-istan."
 * As soon as the film starts, we get: "And we're back with Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Fire."
 * The grand marshal of this year's gay pride parade, Shia LaBeouf!
 * Man, that guy is begging for suicide by ent!
 * On Cate Blanchett's accent:

"Bill: Here we go now! Really sloooow! Nearly limping! 'Cause he's old, old, old! Old, old, old, old, old, old oooooold!"
 * Sung to the classic Indiana Jones theme as Indy "runs" on top of crates escaping gunfire:

"Bill: (as the native) Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision!"
 * Any of the cracks the guys make about Oxley being insane and smelly.
 * After the logic-and-physics raping "Nuke the fridge" scene, Kevin wisely observes: "Okay, I guess for the rest of the movie, Indy battles bone cancer."
 * When Dr. freaking Jones pronounces the word "nuclear" as "nu-cue-ler", Kevin says: "Nu-cue-ler: you might as well put it in the dictionary!"
 * After Indy pulls the classic (read: stupid) blowing-the-dart-back-at-the-native trick:

The Fellowship of the Ring
"Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. Mike: But I like half-and-half twice as much as whole milk and half as much as skim."
 * "Uh-oh. They've invented the tank--pack it in, boys."
 * During Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party:

"Aragorn: I know what hunts you. Mike: And his name is Fudd."
 * When the Ringwraiths attack Bree:

"Galadriel: I know what you saw. Mike: You dirty little man."
 * During Galadriel and Frodo's mirror conversation:

"Frodo: You're late. Mike: And you're short, but tomorrow I'll wake up and I won't be late anymore."
 * Gandalf's arrival:

"Saruman: Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind. Bill (in a stoner voice): So I like to wake and bake, what of it, man?"
 * This exchange:

"Mike: You should see that place now...hobbit massage parlors, tacky billboards, little hobbit streetwalkers with shaved feet..."
 * During a sweeping shot of The Shire:

Mike: Along with two pistachio shells, a breadbag tie, and some lint. HA HA, you see, I'm magic! "Mike: And all the teen girls say "He's a boy, but he looks like me and he's safe! I love him!""
 * Gandalf: Bilbo...the ring is still in your pocket.
 * Legolas' first appearance:


 * Kevin, at the very beginning, talking about how rapt with anticipation he is to see one of his favorite characters of all time - Tom Bombadil, perpetrator of the novel's infamous Non Sequitur Scene who was never at any stage of production to be included in the film.
 * One of Disembaudio's sync lines, delivered in a complete monotone: "You. Shall not. Pass."

The Two Towers
"Mike: Any girl whose ever worn a Sailor Moon costume at Comic Con knows exactly how he feels."
 * "They're gonna mess with the Rohan?!"
 * The first time Frodo and Sam meet Gollum, and Gollum throws himself onto Frodo:

"Eomer: What business do a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark? Mike: And shouldn't you be walking into a bar somewhere?"
 * When Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli meet the exiled Riders of Rohan:

"All (as orcs stomping their spears, in unison): Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot."
 * Turning "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew" into a Stupid Statement Dance Mix.
 * (As the Elves enter Helm's Deep) "Hey, can you point the way to Thermopylae?"
 * "And his tombstone will be on a post-apocalyptic college campus."
 * Before the Battle of Helm's Deep:

"All: (turning) Hey, look over there. (placing swords on ground)'' Boy, don't these things get heavy."
 * Similarly, as Haldir's elves prepare for battle:

"Mike (singing): And all the little orcs are marching, red and black helmets waving... Kevin: Uh, Mike, what did I tell you about singing Dave Matthews? Mike: Oh, uuuh...you know what? I wrote it down, hang on. "If I ever sung him in your presence, I would find my head rolling down a filthy alley and...wow.""
 * Again, before the Battle of Helm's Deep:

"Theoden: Crops can be regrown. Homes rebuilt." Mike: Cows recowed!"
 * "I don't know, but I been told...Orc strong, but they not smart."
 * "Who leader of club made for you and me? Orc can't spell, but it Mickey Mouse."
 * About the aftermath of the impending battle:

"Legolas: You look terrible. Mike: Terrib-ly rugged and sexy, right?"
 * Aragorn returns:

"Sam: Will you not help him? Mike: Yes, I will not."
 * To Faramir:

"Bill: The death of Hanson. Kevin: Which one? Bill: The one that looked like a girl and then turned ugly. Kevin: Again, which one?"
 * Theodred's death:

"Bill: Hey, throw me a grape, I'll catch it in my mouth...what's that? ...Look out for what behind me?"
 * The impaled Uruk head's possible last words:


 * At the Wargs of Isengard attacking the Rohirrim: "They smell bacon!"

The Matrix Trilogy
"Boss: You have a problem with authority-- Bill: No I don't! Go to hell!"
 * When Mr. Anderson is being admonished by his boss:
 * When Mr. Anderson is being admonished by his boss:

"Mr. Anderson: This is insane...! Kevin: No no, the next two movies are insane; this one was somewhat rational."
 * When he's fleeing the Agents for the first time:

"Mike: Amazing it doesn't impair his acting talent.
 * When Mr. Anderson gets his mouth sealed shut:

Bill: Oh, no! I have more to shave!"

"Morpheus: How did I beat you? Kevin: Quite soundly, thank you. Morpheus: You think that's air your breathing? Mike: Its wild rice."
 * "We melt down Terminators to make our mirrors.
 * "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT!!! Short and stout."
 * During the scene where Morpheus explains The Matrix to Neo:

"Mike: Okay, okay, so let me see if I understand The Matrix now... Kevin: Okay, give it a try. Mike: Uh...we all started shaved, and punctured, and immersed in pods full of KY... Kevin: Right. Mike: And we live in a bland, unsatisfying dream world...that's Linux-based...
 * Trying to discuss what The Matrix is...

Kevin: Uh-huh...

Mike: And Larry Fishburne offers us drugs and rids our body of shrimp...

Kevin: Right.

Mike: And we pull the tendril timer out of our skull, put on greasy clothes, and head right back into the dream world!

Kevin: I think you got it!

Mike: Hey~! I know "What is The Matrix?"!

Kevin: That's The Matrix!"


 * "Okay, so weaponry, travel, computers, they're still super-advanced...but pornography, of all things, is still stuck in The Fifties?
 * "And when you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, do you crunch them very fast?"

The Matrix Reloaded
"Mike: Before your favorite franchises were afflicted with "Godfather's Syndrome" and let you down with number three in the trilogy...
 * Their introduction:

Bill: Terminator!

Kevin: X-Men!

Bill: Shrek!

Kevin: Spider-Man!

Bill: Pirates of the Caribbean!

Mike: ...The Matrix was there, boldly flaunting convention, and sucking in Part Two!"

"Trinity: (on the phone) I'm in. Kevin: (mimicking a typical dudey pizza delivery guy) You want what on your pizza?"
 * "TETSUO!!!"

"Trinity: What is it? Neo: ...I don't know. Mike: (chuckles) A tower of insight, this one."
 * "The passionate dialog crackles with Anakinian lust!"

"Link: Where's my puss... [realizes that children are in the room] Link: Eeeeeeeey... [The riffers chuckle] Cas:: C'mon kids, time to go. Mike: [as the kids]: But we wanna help Uncle Link find his cat!"
 * Link is returning home to his wife

"Kevin Murphy: This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in The Deer Hunter."
 * During the infamous dance scene/sex scene

... [Later] "Kevin Murphy: Okay, now it's lasted longer than the entirety of The Deer Hunter."

"Bane: Oh god! Agent Smith: Smith will suffice.
 * When Smith starts cloning himself:

Mike: (imitating Smith) I love it when they set me up like that!

Kevin: I think he likes the zinging almost as much as the killing.

(Bane's mutation into an Agent Smith clone is complete)

Mike and Kevin: (both imitating Smith) My god, you're handsome! Thank you. Okay, knock it off!"

"Smith: Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, some part overwritten or copied...It is at this point irrelevant." Bill: (imitating Smith) We'll fill it in in a later rewrite, whoops.""
 * "Father Reeves, Action Priest!"
 * "Pop goes the Agent~!"
 * "Big deal; Jackie Chan did this stuff drunk."

"Kevin: So the nature of the universe is a date rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog? Mike: I want a new universe!"
 * The ten-second chorus of "Mr. Anderson" from Mike, Kevin, and Bill upon the arrival of all the Mr Smith clones.
 * This exchange:

"Mike: Uh oh, guys. I...I just had a horrible thought, and I need to share it... Bill: Aw, you really need to, strictly-- Mike: Here it is...I thought that it'd be nice to see a long Quidditch scene right now...(Kevin gasps)...or even, god help me, some pod-racing! (dissolves into anguished laughter)
 * "The St. Valentine's Day Mass...ive failure!"
 * During the big fight in the parlor:

Bill: There, there, Mike...

Kevin: It's okay, buddy.

Bill: Damn it, Matrix: Reloaded! See what you've done to Mike?!"

"Kevin: Huh. My thorazine's kicking in- do things seem slow to you right now? Bill: Nnnnnoootttt aaaat aaaaaaaall, Keeeeeeviiiiiiiin."
 * Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:

"Kevin: Ah~ a little car crash porn! Mike: David Cronenberg needed a cold shower after this scene."
 * During the highway chase scene:

"Kevin: Just when David Cronenberg was lighting up a cigarette, relaxing, this starts him up all over again!"
 * Later:

"Mike: (chuckling) David Cronenberg will have to check into a hospital tonight; he's no spring chicken anymore! Kevin: You mean in terms of his stamina for masturbating repeatedly at slow footage of car crashes? Just to clarify?
 * And later still:

Mike: ...I didn't think we needed to be so on-the-nose about it there, Kevin, but, uh...yeah, okay."

"(a guy in a car gets hurt, who looks like...) "Will Ferrell!" (next glimpse of the man shows he's an agent now) "Will Ferrell's agent!""
 * "Laurence Fishburne fires his agent!"
 * Along the same lines:

"Kevin: Words wordswordswords words…words words words.
 * (sung to the tune of the Superman theme) "It's Keanu Reeves, he's going so fast~! It's Keanu Reeves, he's trailing some garbage~! It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl~!"
 * "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, serious, people; I think the machines started it!"
 * "Hey, you in the back, this is an anti-machine rally, quit doing the robot!"
 * (Random black man jumps towards to screen) HI MOM!
 * During Neo and Trinity's sex scene: (sing-songy) "Neo likes Trinity, Neo likes Trinity!"
 * Pretty much every reaction to the Architect's long-winded speech:

Mike: (whenever Neo asks a question) No, don't ask! Oh god, he's gonna go on for like ten minutes…No, don't encourage him!

Bill: Well good, we're done, can we– (He starts talking again) Gah! The guy's like a parrot in a cracker factory.

Kevin: That's right, folks, the ACTION FLICK OF THE SUMMER!

Kevin: The instruction manual for my snow blower is gripping compared to this clown!

Mike: Oh look, bite my nuggets, Colonel Sanders.

Kevin: Look, Jack Perkins, could you sum up, my car's doubled-parked!

Kevin: Our priority, the next film will be two solid hours of fighting robots.

Bill: OH DEAR GOD, get off the screen!

Kevin: Words words wordswordswords words words."

The Matrix Revolutions
"Bill: He's having a total eclipse of the heart!"
 * Lets get ready to RETCOOOONNN!!!
 * During Smith's Villainous Breakdown:

"All: (as the Smith clones are staring to explode, in unison): Turn aroouunnnnd, briiiiiiight eyyeess..."
 * And then during his death:

"Bill: I like to play this soundtrack when I mow the lawn, makes me mow the hell out the the lawn! Sometimes the lawn actually bursts into flames..."
 * Comenting on the music during the final battle:

""Yes, I actually do find myself drifting to thoughts of Socrates...IN that I want to drink hemlock and die.""
 * "Lizard people... somehow responsible... must warn David Icke!"
 * "Remember guys, these movies are philosophical." 

"West: We can't treat this as a hopeless cause. Mike: Hey, the guy who voted for Ralph Nader has no right to talk about hopelessness."
 * Counts as both a Genius Bonus and a Take That against a bit part played by Cornell West:

"Ow, ow, ow, OW! Ow, you're leaning on the poles that skewered my liver, OW! My god you have driven that one pole DEEPER IN MY LEFT VENTRICLE AND IT HURTS ABOUT FIVE TIMES AS MUCH! Apparently you didn't have the pleasure of KNEELING ON A POLE STICKING OUT OF MY LUNGS, AND YOU JUST HAD TO TRY, OW OW OW OH GOD OW OW!! And yet you still have your elbow PUSHING AGAINST THE THING THAT TORE MY SPINE OUT, AM I NOT BEING CLEAR?! It had nothing to do with you SITTING DIRECTLY ON MY SHATTERED PELVIS LIKE YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!!!"
 * During Trinity's death scene:

Spider-Man 2
"Reporter: But Dr. Octavius, if the artificial intelligence of these arms is as advanced as you suggest, wouldn't that leave you vulnerable to them? Octavius: How right you are. Bill: KILL HER, ARMS!"
 * "Whooo! Yay ledge!"
 * "And her entire skeletal system was pulverized."
 * "BOOOOOONESAW IS READY! To be left out of this picture, and feel really depressed about it. Seriously, BONESAW was seeing a therapist for a while. But now, BONESAW IS REAAADY... to get on with his life." (After he appears in the retelling of the first film during the opening credits.)
 * Introducing the robotic arms.

"Bruce: "And you might want to..." Mike: "...Be as awesome as me.""
 * Bruce Campbell's cameo

"Harry: "Dad, I thought you're..." Willem Dafoe: "I'm in art film hell.""
 * When an image of Norman Osborn appears in the mirror.

Spider-Man 3
"Harry: I protected you in high school. Now I'm gonna kick your ass! Peter: Ooh! Bill: The five-minute follow up of them shouting "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" was wisely cut for time."
 * During Harry and Peter's climactic fight:

"Harry: You knew this was coming, Pete! Kevin: I sent you an email about it!"
 * During the first Peter and Harry fight scene:

"Peter: HARRY! Kevin: I need you for the third act! Live, dammit, live!"
 * When Peter is trying to resuscitate the unconscious Harry:

"Bill: He can jump really high and he now "gets" Tyler Perry."
 * A wonderful bit of Crosses the Line Twice humor after Peter gets the symbiote suit:

"Eddie: What the hell?! Kevin: The pictures of my cat on an invisible bike!"
 * After Black Suit Spidey breaks Eddie's camera:

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
"Mike: Chekhov, now with E-Z-Grip handle!"
 * When Khan lifts Chekhov by his spacesuit

"Mike: This is like we took the game Sim Earth, and remove anything fun and interesting from it. In other words, exactly like Sim Earth. Kevin: Rifftrax! Some two-decade-old computer games have it coming!"
 * On the rendering of the Genesis Effect

Star Trek: Generations
"Picard: Warp One, engage! Kevin: Go that way!"
 * "Onscreen." (A group of Klingons appear) "Aah! Offscreen! Offscreen!"
 * Then there's that priceless moment when Bill asks about the female Klingons "Do you think we're seeing the only hairless part of their breasts?" and Mike can't help but scream.

"Kevin Murphy: Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made. Mike Nelson: Hm, you know what, that's easy enough to figure out, let me just get out my tricorder here, punch in a few settings, "beep", "beep, beep, beep", adjust for fluxating magnetic fields, "beep", "beep, beep", take a residual stupidity reading, "nee-re-re-re-re-re-re", Kevin I'm getting very high readings indeed, sir! Kevin Murphy: There must be emanations of asininity fouling your readings. Let me take my own, "click, click, buzz, whir, click". Yes, our data sets correspond, "click". Mike Nelson: Well, okay. There you have it: scientific proof that this is the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made. Kevin Murphy: Click, buzz, whir. Mike Nelson: Nee-re-re-re-re-re-re."
 * "Romulan, Breen, and Klingon!" "Oh my!"
 * "Doctor... Sauron..." "The Dark Lord?" "...Doctor Tarien Sauron..." "Oh, Doctor The Dark Lord."
 * The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.


 * Interestingly, during Picard's tearful anguish over Renee and Robert's death, the crew become more or less silent and allow the scene to play through without mockery.
 * Which could be considered a Crowning Moment of Awesome for Patrick Stewart.

Star Trek (2009)
"Sarek: (to young Spock) Emotions run deep within our race. Bill: No, they don't— GO TO HELL, Dad!"
 * "No one's gone here before! Permission to boldly go?"
 * "And now: the haunting, lyrical, kind of Samuel Barber-ish 'Husband Killing' theme."
 * "The Kelvin is also known as the USS Red Shirt."
 * (Pretending to be baby Kirk:) "Wah... wahwah. Goo... googahgah."
 * This exchange:

"Bill: There's a Blue Man Group missing a couple of drummers!"
 * About the Romulans:

"Kirk (to Spock): Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to. Mike: Why did Heroes suck so bad after Season 1?"
 * During Kirk's academic cheating trial:

"Kevin: Funky Spock! Funky Spock! Gimme some of that funky Spock! Uh!"
 * As the inappropriate funk music kicks in at the end of Spock's refusal of the Vulcan Science Academy:

"Starfleet Academy Headmaster: I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 immediately. Dismissed. Mike: ...Oh, and Kirk, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Bye!"
 * At the abrupt end of Kirk's trial:

"Sulu (played by John Cho): I'm Hikaru Sulu. Mike (as George Takei): No, you're not."
 * "She-Hulk is pleased!"
 * On the bridge, where we meet...

"Nero: Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero. Everyone (in AA-meeting-style voices): "Hi, Nero.""
 * "AH!!!! We went to Detroit by accident!!!"
 * "Has anyone seen my hamster?"
 * When Nero introduces himself to the Enterprise:

"Mike: So if I understand their plan correctly, it was: "Fall out of ship." Kevin: I think you gave it a lot more thought than they did."
 * On the drill landing scene:

"McCoy: Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist! Bill: No-no, more phlegm; let's hear those giant throat nodes and smoker's hack! Kevin: (extremely gravelly) Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a human grizzly bear! Bill: There you go!"
 * "Tell my bald wife and bald kids how bald I think they are!"
 * After

"Kevin: Kirk is ejected along with a dog-eared copy of Twilight.
 * When Kirk gets ejected onto the ice-planet in an escape pod:

Mike: Ah, they packed him toilet paper--that was thoughtful."

"Scotty: I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. Bill: Meaning "I slept with his wife." Scotty: Are you from the future? Kevin: Yes, but we pronounce it: "
 * "What the hell? Is that a tauntaun?! You guys marooned me in the wrong franchise, you idiots!"
 * (in regards to the first appearance of ) "Alright, let's get this over with...Vulcan sign; 'Live Long and Prosper'; where's my check?"
 * "It nice seeing the Creature from the Black Lagoon getting work again."
 * When Kirk and meet Scotty:
 * A little later*

"Bill (as Kirk): I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of."
 * "Nobody knows when it's appropriate to do impressions of Spock roaring."
 * As Scotty dries the insides of his ears, one of the trio makes a little squeaky sound.
 * When Kirk sees :

"Kevin: It's the vengeful laser-ghost of Harvey Milk!"
 * Their faces don't look like OUR faces! SHOOT THEM!
 * When the drill attacks San Francisco:

"Mike (as Spock): Nice. Kevin (as Kirk): Nice. Bill (as Sulu): Nice. Mike (as Chekov): Neee-YIIIIIce."
 * "Well, I guess it's time to summon Lord Vader."
 * "Master Splinter?...Raphael?...anybody?"
 * "How many people are gonna choke me (Kirk) today?"
 * "Backstreet's back, alright!"
 * "Only one brave sperm penetrates the egg's outer wall. Brave little sperm!"
 * When victory is achieved:

"Kirk: Scotty, how we doin'? Mike (as Scotty): Still Scottish and whimsical, sir!"
 * At the end:


 * "Scotty and his wife have a weird relationship."

Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace
"Qui-Gon: Be mindful of the living Force, young padawan. Obi-Wan: Yes, master. Mike: But the screenplay! I sense disaster!"
 * The opening with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan:

"Jar Jar: We've no nuttin' moola to trade (or something stupid like that). Mike: Look, GO TO HELL."
 * Any and all riffs pertaining to Jar Jar, but particularly when just resort to cursing him:

"Jar Jar: WEESA GOIN HOOOOOOME! Kevin: Oh, do so COMPLETELY shut up."
 * And this one:

"Mike: Ah, thank you for giving us an unhindered look at the business end of America's most loathed character."
 * Kevin actually vomits for five minutes while Jar-Jar talks.
 * One scene has an unfortunate angle of Jar-Jar as well, as Jar Jar swims away from the camera for a few minutes.

"Kevin: See, my opinion, the Jar-Jar thing isn't so inherently racist as it is more broadly offensive. Mike: Really? Kevin: Yeah, he's more annoying in a metaphysical sense. Mike: I see, so, he bugs your soul? Kevin: Actually, yes."
 * And this surprisingly classy discussion of just how Jar-Jar annoys people:

"Yoda: Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. Mike: Um, Yoda, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that."
 * This exchange:

"Mike: Wh-who's everyone? Resistance to what? Leaders of what? What's the Federation? What the HELL is going on!?"
 * Also "Hey, Yoda, up the hell shut!"
 * Mike's reaction to Captain Panaka's rapid Info Dump:

"Mike: Remember when Macbeth said that life was a tale told by an idiot? I actually think he meant to say Star Wars Episode One is a tale told by an idiot. Kevin: Must've been a misprint in the First Folio edition."
 * This exchange:

"Kevin: And so begins Hollywood's most enduring gay couple."
 * [as a battle droid] ""
 * The Running Gag of Kevin mispronouncing the names of both Padme and Naboo. This eventually turns into a game of coming up with Star Wars names more horrible than the real ones, which they end up accomplishing in the middle of the climax.
 * "Every fanboy's dream: take Natalie Portman to their room and show her their robot."
 * On C-3PO meeting R2-D2:

"Kevin: Stop tonguing my fruit!"
 * On Jar Jar stealing food with his tongue.

Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones
"Mike: R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids. Kevin: Form a nerdier sentence! No, don't try! You can't!"
 * This exchange:

"Kevin: Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants. Mike: OH! (dry-heaving) OH! (gagging) WHY, Kevin?!
 * This scene in the Greasy Spoon with the slovenly cook Dex:

Kevin: Hey, it took your mind off this whole thing for a minute, didn't it?

Mike: You're right. Why, thank you, Kevin! Ah, That guy's underpants..."

"Chad Vader: Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete."
 * When Anakin kisses Padme:

"Mike (as C3PO): Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law."
 * As C3PO and R2D2 watch their marriage.

"Mike: The dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding!"
 * After one of the "wittier" lines:

"Mike: Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who? Kevin: Yes, the director is fighting the audience, and the audience is fighting back. Mike: Ah. And who's winning? Chad Vader: Twentieth Century Fox."
 * This exchange:

"Yoda: Anakin is in pain...terrible pain... Mike: Hey, what about us, Muppet boy?! (Wipe Cut away) Mike: Hey, don't you wipe cut when I'm talking to you!"
 * After Anakin finds his dead mother:

"Padme: I love you. Mike: Not as much as the water."
 * Taking Padme's "I love the water" and turning it into a Running Gag. Example:

"Kevin: Nuclear silly-string!"
 * When Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight:

"Chad Vader: I'm a master of the lightsaber and even I'm bored. Let's get it on, people!"
 * Later...

"(Shot of the Clone Army) Kevin: Have you ever seen something more of an affront to all that is holy?!? (Wipe Cut to Anakin and Padme having a picnic in a field.) Kevin: Except, you know, the last time we saw these two."
 * The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
 * Kevin's opinion of the Romantic Plot Tumor:

"Chad Vader: My brother was a puss."
 * And of course from this point forward through the remaining 4 movies (and Holiday Special), the Running Gag about how much Anakin/Vader hates sand.
 * After a scene featuring much whining from Anakin (I forget which one)

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
"Bill: Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that? Mike: I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing. Here, have TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS!
 * [During the scrolling letters]

Bill: Oh, much obliged."

"Kevin: Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won’t have Podracing will it. ‘Cause, ‘cause if so, Mike, I’ll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you! Mike: Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of Jar Jar Binks doing funny stuff. Kevin: (screams) No, no! Mike, please! Let me out! Seriously. I will kill all your enemies. Please!
 * Kevin finally cracks during the space pod battle:

Mike: Here, breath into this paper bag."

"Bill: [during the opening Battle of Coruscant] Bad thing: I don't know who is fighting who, where, about what. Good thing: I don't care!"
 * Continuing the gag of not caring about the battle scenes:

"Yoda: I hope right you are. Michael J. Nelson [as Yoda]: Or predicate will I put again before subject and gibberish shall I spout.
 * This particular exchange after one of Yoda's, um... yeah:

Kevin Murphy: True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like.

Bill Corbett: And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is.

Michael J. Nelson: Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me."

"Mace Windu: I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi Mike: That's funny; we can't sense ANY plot whatsoever!"
 * This exchange:

"Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil! Bill: From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his PENIS!"
 * This exchange:

"Bill: I have had it with these motherf**kin Sith on this motherf**kin planet!"
 * As Mace Windu:

"Bland?"
 * Any and all jabs at Hayden Christiansen's talent...or rather, lack thereof.

"Bill: He can't do it all at once, or it'll kill him! He's gotta work his way up the manly scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett-- Mike: --then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, and THEN James Earl Jones."
 * On Anakin's transformation into James Earl Jones:

"Palpatine: NO...no, no YOU WILL DIE! Bill: NO! I don't wanna go to tha big place!"
 * This exchange:

"Palpatine: ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... (voice lowering with each word) ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace. Riffers: (clapping) Oh lovely, marvelous, Darth Actor, ladies and gentlemen, Darth Actor."
 * On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:

"Bill: If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it."
 * Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:

"Kevin Murphy: (as Tarkin) Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the wall of the window. Until then, looks cool, eh? Bill: (as Vader) So, where are the ladies on this ship? Mike: (as Palpatine) Ah, my son. You have much to learn about the Dark Side.
 * As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:

Bill: (as Vader) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kevin: Ah, you see, Bill? That one seems kind of warranted."

"THIS! IS! THE TEDDY BEAR PICNIC!"
 * When the Wookies are preparing to charge:

"I want a muffin."
 * Any and all Palpatine Old Man jokes.

"Padme: Ani...I'm pregnant. Bill: I'm pretty sure it's Watto's. I can feel its wings moving around."
 * The Running Gag about R2 being a droid serial killer.
 * This:

"Bill: ...Uh, Samuel has the guy pinned down now, Mike."
 * "I believe I have the right to know if you are pants-crapping insane!"
 * The I Am Very British persona they give Obi-Wan.
 * Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.

Star Wars IV: A New Hope
"C-3PO: I'm C-3P0, human cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2. Luke: Hello. Kevin: (as R2D2) I stood next to your mother as she died."
 * "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a film maker said, 'I WILL create a character named Kit Fisto!'"
 * "Door. Guys. Door! Guys! DOOR! GU-ah, crap."
 * "Good guys are dropping left and right, the Stormtroopers have no idea how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened to them before!"
 * "It's the Council of Lousy Haircuts!"
 * "....when did we let an American in?"
 * "Can't we have just one nice meal together?"
 * "My pants are plastic/My helmet's tight/My balls are swinging left to right!"
 * "Chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe..."
 * "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
 * One of the most callous and hilarious one-liners in the entire series riff:


 * Bill's reaction, a dark little chuckle and an understated "Utini" makes it the funniest thing to ever happen.
 * Absolutely EVERYTHING regarding the unfortunately named Porkins.

Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back
"Kevin: Look out, it's a probe droid. Don't let it see your ass!"
 * "Oh, man. Oh, Luke, you okay? I was out cold there for a few minutes, I got this broken nose, blood everywhere, really embarrassing. Hey, my seatbelt's a little stuck, can you, uh, help me with it? Uh, Luke, where the hell are you going? This isn't funny, man. Don't take my wallet, you piker! When I get out of here I swear to God I'm gonna OHGAAAAA!"
 * On the probe droid on Hoth:

"Kevin: (as Chewie) Pwned! Han: Laugh it up, fuzzball. Kevin: (as Chewie) Don't mind if I do, skin tube!"
 * When Chewie giggles at Leia's jibe at Han.

"Bill: (as Leia) Now, if you don't mind, I have to go make out with my Dad."
 * After Leia kisses Luke:


 * "A KLANSMAN!"
 * "Hm. Tripping balls I am, right now!"
 * "Lando?" "Cerebro?" "Magneto!"
 * "Down boy, quit humping my leg!"
 * "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."

Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi
"Bill: You Imperial slut!"
 * Pretty much anything relating to the Ewok/Stormtrooper battle:
 * "The Hurt Locker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
 * "Today's the day the teddy bears have their murder!"
 * "Remember: these are the Empire's best troops."
 * "My God, they're eating them."
 * "It's like a scene from 'Harry and the Hendersons: Harry Goes to Iraq.'"
 * Imperial Officer: You rebel scum.

"Emperor: The Alliance will die. As will your friends. Mike: Ron, Hermione, Merry, Pippin, Bumblebee, all of them!"
 * [Watching the rebels being massacred outside the Death Star]

""There it is, the outfit that singlehandedly makes Comic Con bearable." "And occasionally much, much worse." "You saw that guy too, huh?""
 * "And now they're visited by Porkins the White."
 * "It's a trap!" "This is no time to quote tired Internet memes, sir!"
 * "Fifty thousand, no less." "What, do I look like I'm made of money?" "No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!" "WHO SAID THAT?!"
 * On the famous Leia gold bikini:

The Star Wars Holiday Special
"Announcer: Introducing Chewbacca's family! Mike: And many a scream yourself awake nightmare!"
 * During the intro:

"Luke: Oh, look, R2, it's Chewbacca's family. Mike: What I meant to say is, "RUN, it's Chewbacca's family!""
 * When Malla contacts Luke Skywalker:

"(Mike, Bill and Kevin all scream in terror when the first acrobat appears.) Bill: Well, it was inevitable. Someday I knew the moment would come when I had to gouge my own eyes out. This is it!
 * During the scene where Lumpy watches a holographic circus thing with obnoxious music in the background, every riff is a Crowning Moment of Funny:

Mike: No! Bill, stay your hand! There'll be plenty of other moments coming up. Be a shame to let those go to waste.

Bill: Good point.

(Mike laughs in amazement at the acrobats.)

Bill: (sarcastic) Wookies love this.

Kevin: Like his single leather boot there. (pause) This is the very same scene that is playing on a constant loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain. (Beat) Explains the smile, y'know.

(The lead acrobat vanishes and reappears life size next to Lumpy playing some Dr. Seuss-like trumpet.)

Mike: Elton John would give everything he owned if this were only a real device.

(The acrobats swing into full steam on the table.)

Bill: Even Rip Taylor thinks this goes way overboard on the camp.

Kevin: Oh, no, are we going to find out why they call him "Lumpy"?

Bill: Music to go mad by!

Mike: (on the lead acrobat) I'd love to have been there the day this guy told the all other Keebler Elves what he really wanted to do with his life.

Bill: "No, seriously?!"... (a few seconds pass) Circe du Suck... oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill me, because I really don't think I could take another second of this, guys.

Kevin: If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter in the mail informing me that I'm now legally gay?

Bill: ...yes.

Mike: You know, it might be a funny joke if you played this music if you knew someone was going to ask for your hand in marriage. "Rebecca, my dearest love, would you WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE WEEDEE WEEDEE-wee-wow!"

Bill: Kinda kill the moment. (a few seconds pass) I hate to say it, 'cause I know this is on the up-and-up, but... it all seems kinda weird.

Kevin: Ah! Ah, good, the bright fuschia fish acrobats are here! It wouldn't be a Life Day without 'em!

Bill: No sirree.

Mike: (exasperated by the lead acrobat) Look, would you and Bryce please move to Palm Springs, buy matching Speedos and get jobs in retail and just leave us alone?!

Bill: (noticing Lumpy's avid grin) There's murder in his eyes! I like where this is headed!

Kevin: (as the lead acrobat) And that was the introduction, folks! Now let's get on with the show!

Mike: (as Malla) Would you turn off that stupid video game?!

Bill: (as Lumpy) It's not a video game, Mom. It's a video game system!"

"Bill: Well, terrifying thought, but I'm charging ahead with it anyway: If you're a furry, and you're watching this right now. are you turned on?
 * During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:

Kevin: (horrified) Ohh! Can I be excused to have a good cry?

Mike: Stay right where you are, Murphy!"

"Mike: You know, sure, this makes me wanna drive a masonry chisel into my kneecap, but on the bright side, at least it's not Rachael Ray."
 * While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":

"Mike: Uh, you sure this aired during the family hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the FCC likes to see before ten..."
 * And later:

"Mike: (as Itchy) Don't worry, son, they can't shoot straight, and they're easy to kill!"
 * When Stormtroopers show up at the Wookiees' home:

"Jefferson Starship: Will you light the sky on fire? Mike: Will I light this guy on fire? No, sir, I will not!"
 * Mike misinterprets the lyrics to Jefferson Starship's song:

"Bill: This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire!"
 * Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
 * Turns into a Brick Joke during the Wookiee gathering near the end.

"Kevin: So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced George Lucas underground and his creation Star Wars was never heard from again, right? Mike: Uh, actually, it went on to shatter records for money made (breaking sound is heard), and it has more devotees than many major religions. Bill: Ooh, Mike, that inconsistency caused a logical wormhole that broke Kevin's mic!"
 * This exchange:

"Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment! Bill: Despite the growing number of protesters outside our office!"
 * During one commercial bumper:

"Leia: That one day we'll be free… Mike: (as Leia) "To mouth-kiss our siblings with impunity!""
 * This little addition to Princess Leia's song:

"C-3PO: Star Wars - you and your children loved it! Bill: Then tonight happened."
 * During the obligatory commercial for Star Wars toys:

"Ackmina: Aren't you listening to what I'm saying? The Empire has SHUT US DOWN! You've got to GO now! Bill: THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!"
 * When Ackmina is trying to get her customers to leave.

"Bill: This just in: Christmas has been cancelled due to sadness caused by The Star Wars Holiday Special."
 * During a CBS newsbreak:

"Bill: (as Itchy) There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it Death Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots."
 * Mike: "All your base are belong to Lumpy."
 * After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:

"Kevin: (on seeing Willie Rawles, GE employee) ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform?"
 * When the first commercial appears.

"Mike: (as lady) What the hell are you, tobacco?!"
 * The Fruit of the Loom commercial:

Transformers (2007)
"Sam: He's gonna kill me! The robot pulls his pants down Kevin: I think he has something else in mind.."
 * When the Popeye robot is after Sam:

"Kevin: Mr. Anderson...
 * When the Sector 7 cars pull up outside the Witwicky residence and the various agents pile out...

Bill: ...Mr. Anderson...

Mike: ...MR. Anderson...

Bill: ...Mr. Anderson...

Kevin: ...MIS-TER Anderson..."

"Tom Banachek: Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here. Mike: If we really put our minds to it, people could die here."
 * When the various character groups meet up at the Hoover Dam:


 * The Decepticon role call turned into something out of Thomas the Tank Engine.

Revenge of the Fallen
""God is a bunch of robots!""
 * The first thing out of 'Sam's mouth after meeting the Primes and returning to life:

""I'm free! I'm finally free!""
 * Bumblebee's reaction upon seeing Sam apparently die.

"Mike: Oh good; twin mechanical Jar Jars. Mudflap: That hurt, man. Skids: It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kickin'. Mike: I believe that was actually the movie poster tagline for Transformers 2."
 * Bill General Motors would like to remind its many former employees not to think about how much all the product placement cost.
 * On the appearance of the twins.

"Bill: The movie Transformers 2 would like to take this moment to remind you Michael Bay sucked 14 years ago too. We now return you to your noisy mayhem."
 * When a poster for Bad Boys II appears on screen.

"Optimus Prime: ...a species much like our own: capable of great compassion... Bill: Hey take that back or I'll kill you!"
 * During the opening:


 * Everybody Shea!
 * Wawawawabubububububbababababababa!
 * Nonononononon!

Dark of the Moon
"Mike: "Arise, Decepticons! Starchunk! Thunderbucket! Slaptimus! Bughunt! Snaketocopter! And Mortimer W. Clankitybritches!""
 * Mike's gotten the hang of naming Transformers.

Twilight
"Mike: Thank you, and welcome once again to Riff Trax, where I am joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. Bill: Thank you, Mike. And may I say how happy I am that our movie, Twilight, is finally telling the world something I've been saying for years: that vampires are sparkly! Ho-ho-ho, the world laughed at me and my quoteunquote "crazy ideas about vampire sparkliness", but maybe now that the truth is out, I'll get an apology! Kevin.
 * Right off the bat, they start arguing about vampire sparkliness:

Kevin: I-I-I never denied their sparkliness, Bill, we just happen to disagree very, very strongly about whether that sparkliness is a full-body sparkliness, huh? Is it sparkly between their toes? Sparkly on the bottom of their feet? Are their inner thighs sparkly? These are important questions, and I don't think Twilight has settled them.

Bill: Oh, you had to bring up the sparkly thigh thing, didn't you? When you know that it all hinges on the buttcheeks! Frankly, sir, your views on this are well outside the norm in the vampire sparkliness research community.

Kevin: (gasps) How dare you, sir?!

Bill: I dare!

Kevin: My contributions to the vampire buttcheeks sparkliness research are renowned, and I'll not have your slander, shame on you, sir!

Bill: No, shame on you!

Kevin: No, shame on-!

Mike: Okay, o-okay, okay."

"Bella: And...this will be a good thing... Mike: ...like Hot Topic! Bella: ...I think. Mike: But what do I know? I'm just your typically abnormally confident, world-weary 16-year-old female protagonist, teehee!"
 * Just before the opening credits:

"Girl: ...we're talking Olympic sized!
 * "Yeah, that's the new girl; she'll fit right in driving Fred Sanford's truck!
 * In the cafeteria:

Mike: High school girls discussing wang sizes; we've officially hit rock bottom, gentlemen.

Kevin: Shh, shh, shh! I'm trying to hear about the wang sizes!"

"Edward: No one will believe you! Mike: ...quoting directly from there."
 * "Llllllllllllllllllllllladies?"
 * "Lllllllladies." "Bill, those are guys." "Oh, well, dudes that look like llllllladies."
 * "THIS! IS! Forks High School, home of the SPARTAns!"
 * "The silver screen cannot contain the heated passion of Twilight!
 * "It's hard to look Badass posing next to a Volvo."

"Edward: Say it... Kevin: Alright, you're a total homo! Bill: That's not what I meant! Edward: Out loud... Mike: Okay, you're a thorough-going douche... Bill: No! You're not doing it right! Mike: A tool? Bill: NO! Bella: Vampire... Kevin: Close; I'm a metropire! Edward: Are you afraid? Mike: Seriously...I don't know what emotion you're going for, because you always just look nauseous..."
 * Kevin's version of Edwards song to Bella.
 * "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"
 * "It's fun being eternally damned!"
 * When Edward reveals his nature to Bella for the first time:

"Mike: You like Legos? Cause I got tons of Legos (sic), I got Lego Star Wars, and Power Miners, I got like a bajillion Beeonicles (sic) too..."
 * Bella is visiting the Cullens

"Bella: You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash. Mike: And that apple you bounced off your foot is giving me hookworm."
 * "Vampires keep themselves harnessed to the ceilings at all times in case a production of Peter Pan breaks out."
 * "Is there a production of Peter Pan? Because we're ready!"
 * "She was coached by Shia LeBeouf for this scene."
 * The scene where Edward's snuck into Bella's bedroom: "What was our math homework?"
 * Cafeteria scene:

"Mike: Aw, I-I'm weakening, guys. I mean suddenly feel very invested in their love. It's-It's my love, too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds. (Cut to a shot over a forest.) Look, beautiful trees, as-as beautiful as the love between Edward and Bella and me and their beauty and... [THUNK] Ow! You hit me with a phone book! Kevin: Yep."
 * After Edward has saved Bella and kisses her in the hospital:

"Mike: You mind if I slit my wrists right now, get ahead of the curve? Bill: Oh, any old time, Mike. Kevin: I'm surprised you haven't done it by now!"
 * When Bella and Edward are practicing dancing:

"Kevin: I'm having another acid flashback, right?
 * Mike, Bill, and Kevin worrying about the taxidermy animal in science room. (I'd say It Makes Sense in Context, but...it doesn't.)
 * "Typical night at Jack Nicholson's house, circa 1975."
 * During the...well, rapidly changing scene:

Mike: No, that's the movie.

Kevin: So...you guys also see Jim Nabors riding a killer whale in space?

Mike: No...

Bill: Wish I did, though; that sounds great!"

"Sheriff: Well, another hiker got attacked by something in the woods. Mike (as Sheriff): ... we think it was a bear because it sucked all the blood out of the corpse."
 * Early scene mentioning the investigation into mysterious deaths.


 * Humming "Yakkity Sax" while Edward runs up the hill with Bella at superspeed.

Twilight: New Moon
"Mike: And we're ba-- Bill: TEAM JACOB! Mike: (disgruntled) COULD you please...?"
 * As the movie opens...

"Bella: It's a little crazy... Bill (as Bella): It's a statue of General Custer!"
 * Bill's epic Cluster F-Bomb in the opening sequence.
 * Bella has a gift for Jacob:

"Alice: It's just a little...blood. Mike (as Bella): Well it was a "little blood" until Edward flayed open my brachial artery."
 * This exchange:

""Ha, ha, ha, not stayin' alive, not stayin alive! Ha, ha, ha, not stayin' ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!"
 * (To Bella) BOOOO! YOU SUCK! BOOOO!
 * During the scene where Edward is walking through Italy to go ask the Volturi to kill him:

"Bill: Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, for the love of God, tour groups should stop going into that Castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered."
 * As Bella is being led away from the Volturi, passing by a group of tourists being led into their chamber. Screams are heard...

"Bill: The High Council of GAYness will see you now!
 * Pretty much the entirety of the treatment the Volturi in terms of Frank n Furter esque moaning, mockery of their effeminate portrayal, and in particular their reactions to Michael Sheen whenever they are on screen. In particular this little line as Edward is about to ask them to kill him

Mike and Kevin: (effeminate groaning and moaning)"

"Edward: (To Bella) This will be the last time you ever see me. Mike, Bill, and Kevin: (Triumphant cheering) Hooray! Yay!"
 * Early on...

"Kevin: Aaaaaannnd All three: Heeyo! Hey-hey-hey-babe! Aroooogah, aroogah! Hohoho! Mike: Mom, I didn't know you wanted to see New Moon! Bill: (effeminate voice): Quiet, dear, I'm trying to watch. Th-the story! The story."
 * When Jacob first removes his shirt

"Mike: And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination."
 * Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:

"Bella: [to Jacob] I do love you. Bill: [incredulous] Sh-she does!? Mike: [through laughter] She's not a stable girl."
 * The end, after a whole movie's worth of sending out mixed messages and crushing hearts:

"I regret not buying more shiiiiiiiiirts! I regret not buying Bob more shiiiiiiiiiiiirts! I regret being named Embryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Donate my torso to Abercrombie and Fiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!"
 * Used as a Running Gag, they keep trying to catch Bella actually making it through a sentence without a Shatnerian pause. Sometimes she actually manages what would count as a whole sentence only to continue the sentence after a long pause.
 * Cliff-diving:

"Drowning: the only way she could get more pale and sad."
 * And when Bella goes cliff-diving:

Twilight: Eclipse
"Jacob: She broke her hand...punching my face. Kevin (As Charlie): Ugh, you guys went to see "Face Punch" again, didn't you?"

"Bella:How do you know so much about this? Mike: Read the Twilight books, they blew. Jasper: I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings. Bill:I was born a poor black child"
 * "Make as many mistakes as you can", the advice that inspired M. Night Shyamalan.
 * Jasper flashbacking

"Kevin (as Charlie): ...[takes a swig from his beer] Work your dark magic, booze."
 * Following an awkward conversation between Bella and Charlie.

"Bella: Oh my God, Dad! I'm a virgin. Charlie: Daaah-d-d-duh, okay! Kevin: [laughs] Dad had a Chandler attack.
 * Continuing the Running Gag from previous films, the guys continual irritation by Bella's inability to finish a...sentence, without pausing.
 * Plus their horror at Charlie throwing in a random pause. "It's an epidemic!"
 * [During Charlie's embarrassing marriage/sex talk with Bella]

Bill: Could my daughter BE anymore of a virgin?!"

"Kevin: Whooooooa, dreeeeeeeamcatcher, I believe you can hang there and do nothing through the ni-hiiiiiiiiiight!"
 * The other Running Gag of "Line?", especially when Bella is freezing in the mountains: "L-l-line?"
 * "Theeeres a pooooosibilityyyyyyyy" "Stop it!" "Come on man!"
 * To the tune of "Dream Weaver," while Riley is sneaking through Bella's house:

"Edward: It has to be the Volturi. Bill: The Volturi: that's Chevy's new mid-sized sedan, right?"
 * Who's the bad guy?

"Kevin: Mmm...you taste like Clearasil and indecision!"
 * Bella macks on Edward:

"Edward: Could you at least attempt to control your thoughts? Kevin: I'm tired of all the Glee spoilers!"
 * As Jacob keeps Bella warm through the night:

"A vampire: Don't worry about it. Bill: Oh hai, Twilight, I'm so glad you like saying 'don't worry about it' too."
 * Any and all remarks in regards to Charlie's mustache.
 * And on a related note, TEAM MUSTACHE DAD!
 * A hilarious Shout-Out to The Room:

"Bella: [to Edward] This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob. Kevin: Then what the hell was the point of the last two movies?! Bella: It was a choice between who I should be and who I am. Mike: ...What the holy hell does that mean?"
 * Even as she tries to clear things up, Bella continues to be the master of mixed messages.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 1
"What? In dog years, she's like 14 hours!"
 * Before the riff was even released the trio did a Rifftrax announcement of the impending riff, during which Bill leaves for a moment to pass a kidney stone just as Kevin and Mike start mocking the whole "Jacob imprints/falls in love with a baby" thing. When Bill returns holding the kidney stone in a glass jar, Kevin "imprints" on it much to the other's disgust
 * Bill singlehandedly making a Running Gag of Edward not being able to fart, until the other guys start thinking it's in the actual movie.
 * "We here at Rifftrax would like to remind you that for the last three years, Bella and Jacob have been the two most popular baby names, so please, stop it."
 * Priest: "Ladies and gentlemen we're gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan..." "Also my bible just burst into flames for some reason."
 * Talking about how the book couldn't possibly be told in one film at any especially slow moment.
 * "The elderly couple in Up had hotter sex than this!"
 * On Sam Uley's wolf voice: "He sounds like Darth Vader trapped down a well."
 * As Bella picks up a cell phone: "She tried to play Words With Friends but all she could come up with was 'Uhh?' and 'Edward!'."
 * Everyone greets Jacob with "Sorry about Abduction."
 * "So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephanie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged, you need to be hospitalized now."

"Carlisle: We didn't think it (Bella's pregnancy) was even possible. Bill: It's like someone's making up the rules as she goes."
 * Mike & Bill's "super gay Volturi voices".
 * "Oh for the love of god, do something, you apprehensive, brain damaged...mouse-haired...sea cucumber!"
 * This insight into Meyer's writing:


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