Gag Nose/Quotes

"CYRANO: Ah no! young blade! That was a trifle short! You might have said at least a hundred things By varying the tone ... like this, suppose, ... Aggressive: "Sir, if I had such a nose I'd amputate it!" Friendly: When you sup It must annoy you, dipping in your cup; You need a drinking-bowl of special shape!" Descriptive: " 'Tis a rock! ... a peak! ... a cape! --A cape, forsooth! 'Tis a peninsular! " Curious: "How serves that oblong capsular? For scissor-sheath? Or pot to hold your ink?" Gracious: "You love the little birds, I think? I see you've managed with a fond research To find their tiny claws a roomy perch!" Truculent: "When you smoke your pipe ... suppose That the tobacco-smoke spouts from your nose-- Do not the neighbors, as the fumes rise higher, Cry terror-struck: "The chimney is afire"?" Considerate: "Take care, ... your head bowed low By such a weight ... lest head o'er heels you go!" Tender: "Pray get a small umbrella made, Lest its bright color in the sun should fade!" Pedantic: "That beast Aristophanes Names Anticonceptionnelles Must have possessed just such a solid lump Of flesh and bone, beneath his forehead's bump!" Cavalier: "The last fashion, friend, that hook? To hang your hat on? 'Tis a useful crook!" Emphatic: "No wind, O majestic nose, Can give THEE cold!--save when the mistral blows!" Dramatic: "When it bleeds, what a Red Sea!" Admiring: "Sign for a perfumery!" Lyric: "Is this a conch? ... a Triton you?" Simple: "When is the monument on view?" Rustic: "That thing a nose? Marry-come-up! 'Tis a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize turnip!" Military: "Point against cavalry!" Practical: "Put it in a lottery! Assuredly 'twould be the biggest prize!" Or ... parodying Pyramus' sighs ... "Behold the nose that mars the harmony Of its master's phiz! blushing its treachery!" --Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said, Had you of wit or letters the least jot: But, O most lamentable man!--of wit You never had an atom, and of letters You have three letters only!--they spell Ass! And--had you had the necessary wit, To serve me all the pleasantries I quote Before this noble audience ... e'en so, You would not have been let to utter one-- Nay, not the half or quarter of such jest! I take them from myself all in good part, But not from any other man that breathes!"

- Cyrano de Bergerac

"All right, twenty something betters. I start with the obvious: Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: Everybody take cover, she will blow! Fashionable: You could de-emphasise your nose if you wore something larger... like Wyoming. Personal: Well, here we are... Just the three of us. Punctual: Okay, your nose was on time, but you were 10 minutes late. Envious: Oh, I wish I were you... to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: Some of the ladies have asked if you would put that thing away. Philosophical: It is not the size of a nose that is important... it is what is in it that matters. Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you... sneeze and it is goodbye,Seattle. Commercial: Hi, I am Earl Scheib and I can paint that nose for $100! Polite: Would you mind not bobbing your head? The orchestra keeps changing the tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He has got the whole world in his nose. Sympathetic: What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: You must love the birdies... to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: Whoa, I would hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiry: When you stop and smell the flowers... are they afraid? French: The pigs have refused to find any more truffles... until you leave. Pornographic: Finally a man who can satisfy two women at once. How many is that? - Fourteen, Chief. All right, religious:The Lord giveth ...and He just kept on giving, did he not? Fifteen. Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Sixteen. Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! Seventeen. Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee...in Brazil. Eighteen. Appreciative: Oh, how original.Most people just have their teeth capped.Nineteen. All right... [...] Dirty: Your name would not be Dick, would it?"

- The same scene in Roxanne