Christopher Titus/Funny

"Titus: Then I see my hands in this burning ember, and I say... "AAAAAAAHHHH!""
 * Almost all of Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, wherein Titus describes his early life, most of which was terrible.
 * "We had everything in my family! Perscription drug abuse. Mental illness. One of my uncles is a Mormon."
 * Falling into a bonfire, which convinced him to stop drinking.

"Titus: (referring to when he and his first girlfriend -- the Jewish girl who kept punching him in the face -- moved to a beach house): Once the dichotomy changed? My God. It was a fucking nightmare!"
 * A lot of his setups tend to be subverted right at the last second.

Titus: (referring to when he and Erin first broke up over infidelity): And I read her beautiful words and... I started to realize... I owned her ass."

"Titus: Fighting Dad's not a fight; fighting Dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi! You've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!""
 * Describing the first time he challenged his dad to a fist fight:


 * His special "Love is Evol," which is all about how Love Makes You Crazy, had a few really good moments.
 * "Oh no, we're totally cool now. He stopped using the aluminum bat on me. I hated that noise. Ting, ting, ting, ting."
 * "I filed for divorce on June 6th, '06. (audience groans) 6-6-6! Yeah, which, coincidentally, turned my ex into a fire-breathing demon from the bowels of Satan's anus... but for legal reasons, I have to call her "Kate."
 * Titus' reaction to hearing his father's story of how Titus was conceived : "Wow..." (twitches slightly): "That's just like the story of Christmas."
 * Everything Titus' Inner Retard says. Everything.
 * The best jokes, though, came from his It Got Worse segment in "Love is Evol" when talking about 3 embarrassing moments in his relationship with his new girlfriend. Can be seen here.
 * During the first part of Neverlution when he names off all the bad events that happened between 2001 and 2011 (9/11, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, Hurricane Katrina, George W Bush's election and re-election, the BP oil spill, "talentless sluts" like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Kim Kardashian becoming popular, Haiti's earthquake, and Toyota recalling faulty cars) while imitating a recovering heroin addict who realized what happened in ten years and became violently ill over it.