Ed Reardon's Week/Quotes

("Undercover", Ed's store card isn't working) "Ed: In the meantime, can I have this new mouse? Clerk: No, and you can't have the Lara Croft mouse mat either. Ed: Well, I didn't really want that. Had there been a Mrs. Gaskell mouse mat or an Iris Murdoch mat, I'd have had that instead."

(a woman catches him responding to a Tannoy) "Ed: No, I'm sorry, I wasn't talking to you, I was addressing the asinine twelve-year-old in the ceiling."

("The Last Meow") "Ed: Elgar had been my rock. The one survivor from Ed Reardon's years as a family man, after my wife had laid claim to my house, my wine, my car ... (as an afterthought) and my children."

"Ed: Yes I've got the multi-lingual bereavement counseling brochures. Also a leaflet supplied by your communications unit asking "Did we WOW you today?", but what I'd like you to tell me ... Yes, well I'll consider nominating you for a WOW award after you've told me where I can bury my cat. Look, this really is a very straight-forward question, it's a Christian burial, so I don't need a pyre or anything."

"Ed: Apparently there's a dedicated bit at the back of the refuse dump, but we'd have to take him between two and four this afternoon. ... So. It seems there's to be some corner of a multi-faith recycling facility that will be forever Elgar."

("The Wrong Fleece") "Ed: Oh yes, let's ask the garden gnome. Probably has very good connections with the Cornish piskies, he'll be able to tell us in no time."

"Ping: Precisely retrace your steps. Because when we were talking about you coming up with an idea, I had just bought Mr. Fisher. Ed: Right. For five hundred pounds. I remember that. Ping: So then what did you do? Ed: I reflected on the inequitable distribution of wealth that divides your world from mine."

("The Libel Action") "Ed: What has this magazine done to earn your wroth? Jaz: They were very rude indeed about my first Dermot the Dolphin movie. Ed: Oh, outrageous. They deserve all they get."

("Educating Peter") "Ed: Wednesday: Jaz and I argued long into the night like a couple of students. Or a couple of mature students, at any rate, because at ten past ten we were both ready for bed."

"Ed: We had a play, we had a passion, and we had a cast, courtesy of a small ad on the back of the stage, the casting couch being unavailable due to the author and his cat sleeping on it in shifts."