Too Dumb to Live/Recorded and Stand Up Comedy

"I tried marijuana once. Just once. I didn't know what I was doing...I was on cocaine at the time!"
 * Comedian Ralphie May has a bit about how he once drank 16 ounces of Cuban coffee not knowing it was the equivalent of 84 shots of espresso. Granted it didn't kill him, but the point still stands.
 * From Rodney Dangerfield:

"Judy's Mom: Judith, I told you to wash that plate ten minutes ago!
 * Judy Gold talks about seeing the Anne Frank house, and how they had to be quiet all day, "which would have the end of my family, because there's no way my mother could keep quiet all afternoon!"

Judy: (hushed tone) Ma, shut up, or we're gonna get caught!

Judy's Mom: That's right, we're gonna get caught, and we're all gonna die, just because you couldn't wash a goddamn dish! Ya proud of yourself?"