Game of Thrones/Recap/S1/E02 The Kingsroad

"Tyrion: I hope the boy does wake. I'd be very interested to hear what he has to say.

Jaime: My dear brother, there are times you make me wonder what side you're on.

Tyrion: My dear brother, you wound me. You know how much I love my family."

We open with the same glorious credits... except that they've changed! Now, instead of showing Pentos, they show the Dothraki grasslands and Vaes Dothrak. We learn in the first scene that this is where Daenerys is now, travelling with her new husband and his tribe. Daenerys is having a bad day; she's tired, she's sick of eating dried horse meat, and she's so saddle sore that she needs the help of three maids just to get off her horse and walk to a tent. Jorah Mormont tells her that it will get easier, but Daenerys doesn't look like she's buying it. Jorah then takes Viserys aside to suggest he return to Pentos and wait in comfort for the Dothraki to return, but Viserys wants to personally ensure Khal Drogo holds up his end of the bargain. He also asks Jorah what happened in Westeros to make him flee across the Narrow Sea; turns out Jorah caught some poachers on his land and sold them to a slaver. Hang on, isn't he meant to be a good guy?

We return to Winterfell, to find Tyrion Lannister waking up in a kennel, very hungover and cuddling a dog. His nephew Joffrey is there with his bodyguard. Tyrion informs Joffrey that he will give his sympathies to the Starks before they leave. When Joffrey complains that he can't abide the wailing of women, Tyrion slaps him! Three times! Joffrey cries! It is amazing.

Tyrion joins his siblings and Cersei's other children, Myrcella and Tommen, for breakfast. Myrcella asks if Bran is going to die, and Tyrion says... apparently not. All signs suggest Bran will survive "falling" from that tower. Though Bran lingers in a coma, Infant Immortality may be in play after all! (Cersei and Jaime look very uncomfortable about this.) Tyrion then announces he's going north to see the Wall before they go home. Jaime says he'd rather die cleanly than live as a cripple or a grotesque; Tyrion disagrees, naturally, and mentions that he'd be interested to hear what the boy might have to say...

Cersei visits Catelyn at Bran's bedside, and tells her about her first son, a little boy with black hair who died of a fever. Jaime, meanwhile, visits Winterfell's armoury, where he finds Jon Snow helping to forge a sword. Jaime sarcastically thanks him for guarding them all from the perils beyond the Wall. "I'm sure it will be thrilling to serve with such an elite force. And if not--well, it's only for life." After he's done metalsmithing, Jon goes to visit Arya, who is packing to leave Winterfell, "helped" by her pet wolf Nymeria. Jon tells her he has a present, and to close the door. Come on, Jon, we have enough incest on this show--oh wait, he's giving her the sword he was helping Mikken forge. It's small and skinny, just like Arya. "First lesson: stick them with the pointy end." Arya names the sword Needle, and she and Jon say their goodbyes. Finally, Jon goes to visit Bran. Catelyn's not happy to have him there, but allows him to speak to Bran. Jon tells the still-comatose Bran to come and visit him at the Wall when he's well. After a few minutes, Catelyn throws him out. (Suddenly Jon's decision not to stay at Winterfell with his stepmother makes so much sense!)

Ned and Jon say their goodbyes, as Ned leaves for King's Landing and Jon leaves for the wall. Ned promises that the next time they see each other, he will tell Jon who his mother is. The topic comes up again at lunch, with Ned and King Robert are by the side of the road reminiscing about old times. Robert mentions that there's only been one woman who has made Ned Stark forget his honor; in between Robert dredging up names (mostly of women he's bedded; "Thank the gods for Bessie! And her tits!"), Ned names her "Wylla," but will not speak of her. Finally, Robert gets down to business: he's received a message updating him on Daenerys Targaryen's marital status. (How'd he find out? Facebook?) It ignites Robert's legendary hatred of the Targaryens, despite Ned reminding him that there's an ocean between Westeros and this hypothetical avenging Dothraki horde, and that the Dothraki have no fleet. (It's even better in the books, where they loathe the open sea.)

Catelyn continues her vigil over Bran, explicitly neglecting her duties as the Lady of Winterfell and forcing Robb to step up in her stead. Robb gives her the first paragraph of a "What the Hell, Hero??" speech, but is derailed by a fire elsewhere in the castle. He rushes away, leaving the window open for the howls of the direwolves to filter in. Whilst he's gone, a creepy-looking man appears into the room with a wickedly-curved blade and almost literally announces his intention to slit Bran's throat. Catelyn fights him with every weapon at her disposal, but it's Bran's direwolf who saves the day. (Direwolf + assassin aimed at direwolf's master = dead assassin.)

Speaking of Dothraki, Khal Drogo is still bending Daenerys over horsie-style every night. She doesn't look like she's having fun. But eventually she takes matters into her own hands. Whilst her three handmaids (Irri, Jhiqui and Doreah) fuss over her of an evening, trading stories about where dragons come from ("It is known"), Daenerys finds out that Doreah is a bed slave and is trained in the arts of pleasure. Dany asks her to teach her how to seduce Khal Drogo. Fan Service and Les Yay ensue.

Catelyn, her hands bandaged, visits the tower from whence Bran fell. She finds a single blonde hair. She then calls a council in the godswood at Winterfell (herself, Ser Rodrik Cassel, Maester Luwin, Robb and Theon) and gives voice to her theory: Bran saw something he was not meant to see, warranting not only his Destination Defenestration but the clumsy assassination attempt as well. Ser Rodrik also points out that the dagger is too fine a weapon for a mere cutthroat: "The blade is Valyrian steel, the hilt dragonbone." Catelyn decides to ride for King's Landing, just herself and Rodrik Cassel, leaving Winterfell in the care of Robb and Bran's life in the care of the gods.

Daenerys works up her gumption and seduces Khal Drogo. Marital Rape License abolished!!

The king's procession has stopped for the night at an inn, and Sansa takes the opportunity to wander, her direwolf Lady at her heels. First she runs into Ser Ilyn Payne, the royal headsman, who has no lines because "The Mad King" had his tongue ripped out. Then she's trapped between him and The Hound, and it's hard to say who frightens her more. Prince Joffrey to the rescue! He takes her on a walk out to the river, where they come across two boys using sticks to play at swordfighting. ...Only, one of them's not a boy: it's Arya. Joffrey takes this opportunity to bully her opponent. His name is Mycah and he is the son of a butcher. He has a stick against Joffrey's real sword, which he uses to slice Mycah's face. When Arya whacks him on the back with her stick, he starts slicing at her instead. He's quite a gentleman, this prince. Once again, direwolves win the day: Nymeria comes out of nowhere and attaches herself to Joffrey's sword arm, teeth first. With Joffrey on the ground crying like a punk, Arya takes his sword and throws it into the river. She then flees while Sansa goes for help.

Arya, knowing the queen will have Nymeria's head for harming the royal brat, makes Nymeria run away. Nymeria is adorable. Arya has to throw rocks.

It's past nightfall before Arya is found, and she's hauled directly before the queen. Joffrey has a very... different version of events than Arya does, and Sansa is brought in as a tie-breaker. She refuses to corroborate either tale, leading Arya to grab her hair and shriek at her. (Cersei has the most awesome smirk.) King Robert is happy to let each child be disciplined by their father... but Cersei still wants blood, and demands that Nymeria be killed. Well, they don't have Nymeria... but they do have Lady. For once, Arya and Sansa agree on something, but Robert crumbles before his wife's scorn. Cersei sends Ser Ilyn Payne, but Ned dismisses him and does it himself.

Outside, the Hound is returning from the hunt with the day's kill slung over his horse's back: Mycah, the butcher's boy. "You rode him down," Ned exclaims. "He ran," the Hound agrees. "But not very fast."

Ned attends his grisly duty, interspersed with shots of Bran in his bed at Winterfell. As one set of eyes close, the other set opens.

Tropes featured in this episode include:

 * Big Badass Wolf: Bran's wolf, who Arya's wolf, Nymeria, who  Averted with Sansa's wolf, Lady, who is sweet-natured, patient, and obedient,
 * Blond Guys Are Evil: Joffrey, adding to the list.
 * Foreshadowing: Cersei's mention of her black-haired firstborn draws attention to her children, whose blond hair is of course seriously significant.
 * Girl-On-Girl Is Hot: Daenerys receives a lesson in seduction from her handmaid Doreah. It's, erm... hands-on, to say the least.
 * The Glorious War of Sisterly Rivalry: Sansa and Arya. A possible subversion, as even when Arya is furious with Sansa over, she immediately backs her up when It doesn't do any good, but still...
 * He Knows Too Much: Subverted in Bran, who is revealed to have survived his "fall" (though he is still in a coma.)
 * I Call It Vera: Jon tells Arya that all the best swords have names. Arya names hers Needle.
 * Infant Immortality: Played straight with Bran, who survived being thrown off a tower (but remains comatose.)
 * Kick the Dog: Or rather
 * Mama Bear: Catelyn. She
 * Never Hurt an Innocent: Subverted with the assassin sent for ; he's visibly distressed when he realises his distraction failed, and an innocent woman is in the room with his target, but his target is
 * The assassin tries to convince Catelyn that killing Bran would be a Mercy Kill, not clear if the assassin convinced himself of that.
 * Never Live It Down: In-universe example. Catelyn is a loving wife and mother, but she still feels the pain of Ned's old infidelity deeply, and does not like having the evidence rubbed in her face--nor does she like him leaving with Robert again, since that's when Jon was conceived. Ned himself is deeply ashamed of the whole thing.
 * No Animals Were Harmed: lampshaded by GRRM on his not-a-blog, in which he recounts all the people who protested Sean Bean's treatment of Zanni, the dog who played Lady. He then goes on to mention that the actor who played Mycah was not harmed either, but nobody asked about him.
 * In point of fact, Sophie Turner (Sansa) and her family adopted Zanni after shooting had wrapped.
 * Reasonable Authority Figure: King Robert fills this role; when his son quarrels with Ned's daughter, he points out that all children fight and that the matter of discipline should really be left up to the parents.
 * Reckless Blade Usage: Arya attempts to hug Jon with a sword in her hand. He makes her put it down before letting her get close to him.
 * Royal Brat: Joffrey is getting more and more slappable as the series progresses...
 * Shoo the Dog:
 * Smug Snake: Viserys shows a lot of these traits; he proclaims that Ser Jorah would not have been punished for selling to slavers under his rule, for example.
 * Villains Out Shopping: Incestuous, murderous twins Cersei and Jaime are seen doing such awful things as having breakfast with their family, giving their condolences to a grieving mother, and offering some friendly advice to a boy aspiring to be a warrior.