Feed Dump/Funny

"Paul: I mean, who would you want to have your insurance with? A bunch of guys who were doing drugs, or a bunch of guys who are really, really stupid?"
 * Mullet Bandit and the Blondes brings us a story where an insurance company insists that agents were photographed snorting salt. Paul responds with the following:

"Alex: Why were they smuggling turtles? Are there drugs inside the turtles? Kathleen: Sixty thousand. Alex: Why were they smuggling turtles? Kathleen: I thought if I sounded authorative, people would think I was right... Alex: "Well, if I have to guess, then like, this many (holds up seven fingers)" Kathleen: Can I phone a friend? And can that friend be either Matt or Paul? Alex: Is there a standard unit of measurement for number of turtles? Like, could I say, like, ten bushels of turtles? Kathleen: (on the phone with Paul) Do you know how many turtles were smuggled out of suitcases in Thailand? (Beat) Paul (on phone): Five. Alex: Five? Kathleen: I'm gonna go with that."
 * In the stinger for Smoking Carrots in New Zealand, Graham proves that he is incapable of saying "admiral", instead saying "admirable" five or six times in a row.
 * The same episode features "Paul and Matt Have to Figure Out What Graham is Talking About" (but with Alex and Kathleen instead), where Graham asks how many turtles were attempted to be smuggled in Thailand.

"Kathleen: You could be using it to lubricate a variety of things. If you have any creativity, I'm sure there are some sticky gears or something you can grind. Alex: (breathless from laughter) Is that what they call them now? "Billy, I gotta unstick your gears, if you get my drift." Kathleen: Hinges...locks...science equipment...lots of things need a good lubricant. Alex: Jesus Christ."
 * Also worth noting is that Alex was closest without going over, with seven. And the answer was 451.
 * And from earlier in the episode: Alex wearing a pith helmet on his face. No, there's nothing else to the joke. Just go watch the episode.
 * Ash-Bullets & Wow-Butter: While discussing a peanut-free alternative to peanut butter, "(Safe for school) Wow-Butter". Alex says the "Wow-Butter" he had in mind was not a street drug, as Kathleen guessed, but anal lube. Kathleen says it's "still technically safe for schools, but don't bring it". Alex tries to stifle his laughter. Kathleen, giggling, tries to clarify that there are many useful uses for anal lube.

"Graham: The RCMP are very confused by a series of break-ins where the only things stolen is underwear and sex toys. Paul: And my faith in humanity."
 * In "Bad Cops and Strong Pops":

"Alex: OK, so it's the size of a manhole cover, it's made from ten different alloys, and it's etched with a swan fucking a bear. It's like, " Deal with it." Leelee: I...kinda feel bad for the swan. Kathleen: No no, swan's on top, swan's fine. Swan's in control."
 * "My Cat Ate My Whopper" brings us Alex's description of a forged Canadian million-dollar coin.

"Kathleen: Okay, like, sponsored abortions. So you get the abortion for free, but you have to wear a t-shirt that says, "I had my abortion sponsored by Burger King! Have it your way!" (She, Kate, and Graham dissolve into hysterics.)"
 * In "Carcinogen Cola", a story about homeless people being used as wireless 4G hotspots at South by Southwest leads to this idea in "Kate and Kathleen Give Horrible Advice":