Lords and Ladies/Quotes

"The Librarian looked out at the jolting scenery. He was sulking. This had a lot to do with the new bright collar around his neck with the word "PONGO" on it. Someone was going to suffer for this."

""Kneel and deliver!""

- Casanunda, the world's smallest lover turns highwaydwarf

"Nanny Ogg never did any housework herself, but she was the cause of housework in other people."

"Verence would rather cut his own leg off than put a witch in prison, since it'd save trouble in the long run and probably be less painful."

"Death grinned hopefully."

"Mustrum Ridcully did a lot for rare species. For one thing, he kept them rare."

"Using a metaphor in front of a man as unimaginative as Ridcully was like a red flag to a bu-- was like putting something very annoying in front of someone who was annoyed by it."

"The thing about iron is that you generally don't have to think fast in dealing with it."

"Nanny Ogg looked under her bed in case there was a man there. Well, you never knew your luck."

"The chieftain had been turned into a pumpkin although, in accordance with the rules of universal humour, he still had his hat on."

"She was an incredibly comfortable person to be around, partly because she had a mind so broad it could accommodate three football fields and a bowling alley."

- About Nanny Ogg

"In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious."

"The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking."

""Hah, I can just see a real playsmith putting donkeys in a play!""

"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, especially simian ones. They are not all that subtle."

"Go ahead, bake my quiche."

- Magrat

"In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded."

- Pterry explains the Big Bang

"Remember, A Dragon is For Life, Not Just for Hogswatchnight"

- Motto of The Sunshine Home for Sick Dragons in Morphic Street, Please Leave Donations of Coal by Side Door.

"There have, in the course of decadent history, been many large wigs, often with build-in gewgaws to stop people having to look at boring hair all the time. There had been ones big enough to contain pet mice or clockwork ornaments. Mme Cupidor, mistress of Mad King Soup II, had one with a bird cage in it, but on special state occasions wore one containing a perpetual calendar, a floral clock and a take-away linguini shop."

""This is a lovely party," said the Bursar to a chair, "I wish I was here.""

"No matter what she did with her hair it took about three minutes for it to tangle itself up again, like a garden hosepipe in a shed [Which, no matter how carefully coiled, will always uncoil overnight and tie the lawnmower to the bicycles]."

"And the child had a permanently runny nose and ought to be provided with a handkerchief or, failing that, a cork."

"It was here that the thaum, hitherto believed to be the smallest possible particle of magic, was successfully demonstrated to be made up of /resons/ (Lit.: 'Thing-ies') or reality fragments. Currently research indicates that each reson is itself made up of a combination of at least five 'flavours', known as 'up', 'down', 'sideways', 'sex appeal' and 'peppermint'."

"A heap of discarded garments by the bed suggested that Verence had mastered the art of hanging up clothes as practised by half the population of the world, and that he had equally had difficulty with the complex topological manoeuvres necessary to turn the socks the right way out."

"Oh, gods. He'd always slept in front of the door of his master. And now he was king, he slept in front of the door to his kingdom."

"Chain-mail isn't much defence against an arrow. It certainly isn't when the arrow is being aimed between your eyes."

"It's not enough to be able to pick up a sword. You have to know which end to poke into the enemy."

"The Monks of Cool, whose tiny and exclusive monastery is hidden in a really cool and laid-back valley in the lower Ramtops, have a passing-out test for a novice. He is taken into a room full of all types of clothing and asked: Yo, my son, which of these is the most stylish thing to wear? And the correct answer is: Hey, whatever I select."