Halo Combat Deformed

""Oh, crap.""

- The Master Chief, right before something bad happens to him yet again

Picture the Halo universe. Now add an absentminded, mentally unstable protagonist with violent impulses and a penchant for silly exclamations, a beautiful-but-frustrated AI, a black Marine who listens to metal and kicks ass and brags about his size, a religious coalition of alien races hell-bent on activating the Halos (and raping humanity into extinction along the way), and a legion of horrific zombifying sex parasites. The result?

Halo: Combat Deformed!

Authored by St. Araqiel with the help of his younger brother, this fic parodies the first game in a rather perverted manner (he freely admits he wrote as such because it was the first thing he thought of). A sequel (Halo 2 Idiots) has been published as well, but as of July 2008, it is effectively dead, owing to Attention Deficit Creator Disorder.

"Volunteers, step up!"

"Johnson: Am I right, Marines? Marines: SIR, YES, SIR!"
 * Angrish: The Chief's war cries usually consist of this.
 * Ass Shove: What tends to happen to Elites with energy swords when they run into the Master Chief.
 * Attack! Attack! Attack!: Elite Zealots and berserking Brutes. Also, the Chief when he runs amok.
 * Attempted Rape: The Covenant are guilty of this. Sometimes they succeed.
 * Badass Boast: Johnson gets two, just like in the games (which also count as Rousing Speeches). Tartarus and Rtas 'Sadumee each have one in the second fic.


 * Balls of Steel: Captain Keyes plays with this trope in that while getting pistol-whipped in the 'nads does hurt him, he doesn't react for a few seconds, then simply grunts, "Ow."
 * On the other hand, Sergeant Johnson gets hit by the Arbiter and Tartarus in the second fic and feels it just fine (though the Arbiter gets a bruised knee for his trouble).
 * Also averted with the Covenant in general, and Private Dubbo.
 * Berserk Button: Bringing the Chief out of cryo-sleep, killing his allies, not saying "Everybody Smiles At Kittens" instead of "United Nations Space Command"...there's too many to name. And the worst part is, whether or not these triggers are successfully pushed is essentially random.
 * Sergeant Johnson doesn't like people disrespecting his manhood.
 * Nor does Tartarus take kindly to being called "limp-dicked."
 * Don't question the Prophet of Truth. It makes him mad.
 * Black Comedy Rape: Every occurrence of rape is treated this way, in varying degrees. One that particularly stands out is on.
 * Eldritch Abomination: Oh God,
 * Mercy Kill: While looking for Keyes, the Chief does this to a hysterical, trigger-happy Marine he runs into.
 * In H2I, Johnson shoots dead a Marine being raped by an Elite.
 * The Arbiter also asks for this.
 * Military Salute: In the first fic, Johnson returns a lower-ranked Marine's salute in an unusual way. In the second, he and the Chief salute Admiral Sir Hood.
 * Precision F-Strike: Mostly from Cortana. In H2I, she really unloads.
 * Johnson and 'Sadumee do this, as well.
 * Running Gag: Dubbo suffering wounds to his junk.
 * Scary Black Man: Sergeant Johnson, at times.

Examples Contained in Halo: Combat Deformed

 * A Date with Rosie Palms: Sergeant Johnson,  and later, in  bunk.
 * And before that, a stealth Elite hiding in lifepod.
 * BFG: The M111 Battle Cannon.
 * Dream Sequence/Nightmare Sequence: The Master Chief has one while in cryo-sleep.
 * Flat What: The Chief's reaction to presence aboard the Pillar of Autumn.
 * I'll Be in My Bunk: Cortana tells Captain Keyes something to this effect in the beginning.
 * Jumping on a Grenade: gets stuck with a plasma grenade while riding a tank and hops off so it doesn't kill the Marine on the jumpseat behind him, too.
 * Rewarded as a Traitor Deserves: Though not shown, thanks for betraying the command crew is a fatal gang rape at Covenant hands.  body is found by the rescue force in the brig of the Truth and Reconciliation.
 * Shotguns Are Just Better: The Master Chief swaps his sidearm for a shotgun he finds in the swamp.
 * Shot in the Ass: Johnson, with needler rounds; the Chief, with an overcharged plasma shot, then a Sentinel beam.
 * Too Dumb to Live: Captain Keyes. And
 * Too Dumb to Live: Captain Keyes. And

Examples Contained in Halo 2 Idiots

 * ...And Show It to You: The Master Chief does this to
 * Bottomless Magazines: Lampshaded by Sergeant Johnson, who loves "being a nonplayable character."
 * Earth Is a Battlefield: The first few chapters (after the prologue) detail the UNSC military dealing with the Covenant arrival on Earth.
 * Smoking Hot Sex: The Prophet of Regret lights up after receiving oral from an underling.
 * Urban Warfare: New and Old Mombasa.
 * Urban Warfare: New and Old Mombasa.

"I think we're just getting started."