How I Met Your Mother/Funny

"Marshall: Ted and I have a history! I could do things to him that would blow his m... ...Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted? Barney: I don't know; it's weird."
 * The entirety of the episode "The Murtaugh List". Barney with pink hair and a pierced, infected ear, wearing what looks like fishnets over his clothes, having thrown out his back and blown out his knee.
 * "A gentleman's agreement!" "HUZZAH!!"
 * "Alright, chumps, let's do this! BARNEY STIIINSOON"
 * When Barney and Marshall are arguing over which one of them Ted has gay dreams about.

""THROW ME THE IDOL; I'LL THROW YOU THE WHIP!""
 * "I'm cuddly, BITCH! Deal with it!"
 * Ted trying to teach Barney how to drive.

"Ted: Marshall thinks you're a vampire. Ted: Hey, how easy do you think it is to sneak into a zoo? I have to see some penguins like right now! Ted: Hey I'm something stupid...do me."
 * Ted getting beat up by a goat. A girl goat.
 * From "The Pineapple Incident":

"Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male."
 * When Robin beats Marshall's high score at Fisherman's Quest (FQ) and Marshall says, "SHE'S CANADIAAAAAAAAAN! ROBIN'S CANADIAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
 * "Did you know that some mushrooms are carnivorous? ... Probably?"
 * T-Dog, you're in the wrong room bro.
 * "Let's Go To The Mall -- today!"
 * SWARLEY!!!!! [Cue Cheers theme song]
 * Barney's video resume.
 * Barney's explanation of where the three days rule came from.
 * Barney's attempt at calling up Robin and asking her out in "Do I Know You?", culminating with him panicking and trying to pass the whole thing off to Lily as a practical joke, and then running out of the room.

"Marshal: What would you do if you had to choose between your suits and a pot of gold? Barney: Suits. Ted: What would you say if you gave your suits away and in return you'd never grow old? Barney: Suits. Robin: What would you pick, one million chicks, or a single three piece suit? Barney: It's moot. Lily: What if world peace were within your reach and-- Barney: I'm going to stop you right there. It's suits. C'mon Lily, get your head out of your ass."
 * Tim Gunn's scene as Barney's tailor in "Girls vs. Suits". Mainly for Barney's extreme anthropomorphization of his "injured" suit.
 * The same episode has a hilarious Song and Dance routine:

"Barney: This isn't Barney... but I hear that guy's awesome."
 * Barney claims that not wearing suits would be easy. Robin protests, saying that he's never not in a suit. Then we're given a picture of him from summer 2009 jet skiing while wearing a suit.
 * Barney's phonecall to Ted while he's holding all his stuff hostage in "Moving Day":

"Barney: Ted, this isn't funny dude. Ted: This isn't Ted... but I hear that guy's awesome."
 * While we're at it, Ted's call back to Barney.

"USA! USA! USA! CANADA! CANADA! CANADA! SHRIMP FRIED RICE! SHRIMP FRIED RICE! SHRIMP FRIED RICE! Ted: Shrimp fried rice! Totally!"
 * Barney running into the Chinese gamblers in Atlantic City. Particularly their attempts at his catchphrases.

"Barney: Do you wanna wrestle with our special bathing suit places?"
 * "Say Cheese", Barney has the same pose in every photograph.
 * The scuba diver. Just the scuba diver.
 * The montage of Barney trying to pick up girls with pick-up lines that make him sound like a little boy.

"Barney: Space Teens?! IS THIS A PORNO?! (prepares to slap Marshall)"
 * ALL of "Glitter". The porn trope-infested "Space Teens", Jessica as the NY Rangers' organist, and especially "The Beaver Song". Spit-out-your-drink funny.

""I know the truth about you, Ted Mosby. You look, and act, and talk like a real human being, but I know what you really are. You're a Cylon. And your only goal is total annihilation of the entire human race. I talked to my best friend, Dr. Baltar, and he told me, so don't tell me that you love me. Don't tell me that you have feelings, you can't have feelings. You're a frakking toaster!""
 * Not to mention that Marshall is recoiling in anticipation; even he was convinced.
 * "Benefits" has Barney's escalating "Awesome..." sequence. And the bit when
 * Barney dresses up like a robot and acts in a horrible one-man play, in which the robot falls in love with a toaster and starts tap-dancing. Marshall interrupts the play by slapping Barney.
 * "Toaster oven, you're the onnnnnnne!" Also, Barney, as part of the play, keeps saying "Moist" directed at Lily. That's now a running joke around this household. The more diehard fans (myself included) have even adapted Ted and Robin's running joke of saluting when someone uses a military term ie, "You're being a major buzzkill!" * Salutes* "Major Buzzkill!"
 * Or, for that matter, the first slap in "Slap Bet", coupled with the first time we see Robin Sparkles
 * "The Pineapple Incident" where Marshall kept yelling out loud, "DAMMIT TRUDY, WHAT ABOUT THE PINEAPPLE?! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT THE PINEAPPLE?!"
 * Ted singing Cheap Trick.
 * The penguins quote mentioned earlier, the voice message Ted left for Robin and basically the entire episode.
 * Another hilarious moment is in "Okay Awesome" from the first season when Ted is saying random things like "I got kicked out of Sea World for humping a dolphin" which are in subtitles and just as the music dies down, you hear Ted yell out "I'M WETTING MY PANTS!!"
 * One word: "Woooo!"
 * "I wanna know you. Like, know your soul."
 * Don't forget the time Barney started saying his Catch Phrase at the end of an episode  by saying "Legen . . ." and finished it  with ". . . dary."
 * I found that more of an Awesome moment.
 * "Three Days of Snow" has a couple - Ted and Barney's bar montage to "Kokomo"; Lily and Rajit with the beer; Marshall's Double Entendre-fest while on the phone - but the most hilarious of all has to be "BINGO!"
 * The Ted Mosby Is A Jerk song, but especially this:

"Ted: Hey Marshall, what are you doing? Marshall: Oh, just singing a song about this chick Barney banged. Ted: Well put me down for a verse!"
 * Pretty much any moment one cares to pick from "The Naked Man", but the pose discussion stands out in particular.
 * There are two in "Slapsgiving":
 * "See, what I'm doing here, is that these are turkeys, but they are also hands. Because we're gonna eat turkey, and then I'm gonna slap you in your face."
 * Marshall's song, and Barney joining in on harmony.
 * Not to mention the look of pure joy on Marshall's face when Lily says "You can slap him."
 * From the sequel "Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap"- "NEW FROM ALDRIN GAMES UNLIMITED!"
 * Also from that episode, the scenes where we see Lily's "You're dead to me look". "THAT WAS NOT DECAF!"
 * "Duel Citizenship" had a few - Lily's constant "I need to pee", 'TANTRUM!', and Robin's Canadian relapse.
 * This troper has to give it to Marshall swearing he won't have ANY fun when Ted kidnaps him to drive the rest of the way, leaving Lily at the B&B, and the irony cut to: "And I will walk five hundred miles and I will walk five hundred more!"
 * "Ol' Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac and got splattered like a watermelon at one a them Gallagher shows."
 * Barney's video resume, especially when he interviews himself and then sings the background song.
 * "Bang, bang, a-bang-ity bang, I said-a bang-bang-bang, bangity bang..."

"Sven "Press it. Press it for GLORY!""
 * At the end of the episode, Lily and Robin join in with them while Marshall pulls out a tiny banjo.
 * The final scene of "Zoo or False". Both the reenactment of King Kong, and the implication that Ted's embellishing the end of the story for his kids much as Barney just told him he would.
 * "You know kids, I've walked into some weird things in the apartment..." (Lily painting a really strange still-life, Barney doing Harry Houdini's water tank escape trick, the gang getting into a Mexican Standoff with a robber, a goat)
 * The cockamouse.
 * Ted bursting into song during "Of Course" and Barney's reactions to it.
 * SVEN's fire-breathing T-Rex building.

"Robin: In other news, later today a Manhattan architect gets punched in the throat. [Cut to Ted holding his throat]"
 * From season 6 "Baby Talk":

"Barney: Call me crazy, but child actors were way better back in the 80s."
 * Barney singing at a karaoke bar while holding a baby's sock.
 * In "Drumroll Please" when Barney says "The meter's running dude! Crap or get off the pot!"
 * Lunch Lady Scooter...which Marshall thought that Lily was literally referring to a scooter for lunch ladies...but Lily was referring to her high school boyfriend, Scooter
 * From "The Stinsons":

"Ted: Royce! Movie!Tony: Stella! Royce: Ted? Movie!Stella: Tony! Movie!Ted: Tony?!? Barney: Ted? Ted: Barney? (Barney slurps his drink)"
 * This exchange from "The Wedding Bride":

"Barney: Kiss him! Future Ted: Kids... he didn't say "kiss". Barney: Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him! Future Ted: Still not saying "kiss"."
 * And then:

"Barney: Who the kiss are you?"
 * Upon being thrown out by the usher:

"Barney: Look, and now, you just show out of nowhere. This is... this is gonna take me a minute. Barney:   I'm so glad we're best friends now!"
 * Also, in the same episode, when Robin claims that it is possible to tell how overly-nice Marshall is by watching him walk down the street. We see him do so, saying hello to everyone, even in different languages, helping fix bikes and even fake-begrudgingly breakdancing ("Oh you guys I could not today it would just be--") with some teenagers, in which the body double is hilariously obvious.
 * From
 * Ah, I understand. By the way, hellava tie. Is that Italian silk?

"Ted's mom: Mommy has magic lady bits Teddy."
 * Three words: DRUNK BABY LILY.
 * Barney finally able to use his revenge on Marshall...at the year 2021.
 * When Ted attempted to speak Spanish, made funnier by the fact that the person he had to translate for spoke perfect English.
 * When the gang (along with Barney's dad) decided on which club to go to.
 * Okay is Lame.
 * But Lame is a gay bar. And I think it's pronounced La-may.
 * The return of the cockamouse in "The Perfect Cocktail",
 * The whole gang drunk.
 * Ted's dream which motivated him to vote that the Arcadian be destroyed. Especially the end.

"And the #1 name I came up with for the moving van before Ted had been a jerk and taken it back, "The '69 Chevy!""
 * From the same episode, Ted and Barney wanting the buy a bar again, this time, Marshall and Robin agrees.
 * Barney's David Letterman impression.

"Marshall: The only people who haven't seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars! And that's 'cause they lived 'em, Ted! They lived the Star Wars!"
 * "Do I Know You?"

"Ted: ... So, today at work-- Marshall: NOT NOW TED! Lilly: Young lady have you been drinking? Robin: Yeah. We all have. You bought the last round."
 * BARNEY'S FAVORITE THINGS!!!!!!
 * The gang's reactions to different kinds of alcohol, especially absinthe.
 * Marshall freaks out after he thought he was gonna be a dad and starts waving for no reason.
 * Marshall's fantasy of Lily contracting a fatal hiccup disorder and dying that he has to imagine in order to be able to fantasise about other women in "Double Date". Especially fantasy-Lily telling Marshall that she wants him to find 'that busty delivery girl from that one time and plow her like a cornfield'.
 * The gang's super long, super intense argument about which is better, rabbits or ducks.
 * From "Sandcastles in the Sand", Robin's argument with Marshall and Lily being very reminiscent of a teenage girl arguing with her parents. Especially the bit at the end with Ted:

""Dear Marshall, I do not like that stupid hat, I want to beat it with a bat. Or maybe stab it with a fork; it makes you look like such a dork.""
 * Barney's Leaning on the Fourth Wall moment in "False Positive" where he asks a girl to give the gift of booty.
 * "Do you smell that? Smells like there's a bitch in my gym!"
 * In the preview for season seven, Barney singing a part of Deee-Lite's Groove is in the Heart.
 * In "Little Boys", the are hilarious, but even they pale before the  at the end of the episode.
 * During the montage of interventions the group has given each other, one is for Marshall wearing a Dr. Seuss-esque tall, striped hat. Robin's contribution is delivered in Seuss style iambic tetrameter.

"Patrice: He's so dreamy! Robin: NOBODY ASKED YOU PATRICE!!"
 * "I am the provider of this house. And I have provided! 'Provode'? Provided!"
 * The Noodle Incident in "The Naked Truth" - "BARNELL!!"
 * Beercules. Especially Garrison Cootes's casual acknowledgement that yes, Marshall has a "huge snake", but needs to put on some pants.
 * The reveal that Marshall's old, constantly drunk, college buddy is.
 * From "How Lily Stole Christmas", at the end where Ted is celebrating christmas with some very religious family members. The gang comes over, Lily admits to having been a "grinch", where one of the kids ask what a "grinch" is. About 10 seconds later, we hear the kids cheering "grinch, grinch, grinch". And a shocked Ted and Lily proceed to quickly leave. Knowing which word "grinch" is being used instead of, it becomes hilarious.
 * Don't forget the part where the kid asks his mom what "grinch" meant. Cue spit take.
 * Patrice in "The Stinson Missile Crisis" when Barney is sending Nora flowers, balloons and chocolate. And when Barney sings to Nora, Robin's sudden outburst:

""Who's your daddy?" "Who's your daddy?"
 * Sexytimes go very wrong.

"I DON'T KNOW!""

"Businessman:"
 * From "The Best Man", we have CLASSIC SCHMOSBY!
 * The entirety of Barney's reaction to his brother's birth father in Cleaning House: from him believing he's a "really light-skinned African-American" (and Marshall asking his friends to just let him think he's black for a day), to him trying to sing Stand by Me alongside James and Sam (and Lily pulling him away by his tie repeatedly), to "Dad, look how fast I can run! Dad, you're not looking!" And let's not forget that bit at the end of the episode with the auto-tune unit.
 * Despite the overall sadness that is Symphony of Illumination, everyone's attempts to cheer Robin up in both her fantasy and real life are funny and sweet. Particularly Barney's failure at telling her jokes and then suddenly yelling "Pratfall!" and immediately falling over a seat of the booth.
 * In second season, anything related to Hammond Druthers' 'tower.' Especially because almost every time it's referenced they use euphemisms, and the actual tower is always covered up, even when the businessmen arrive to see it, and his face falls, followed by an extremely deadpan.

-- Later "Businessman: I'm not building a"

"Barney: "I close my eyes, I think about Robin! I hear a song, it reminds me of Robin!" Random hook-up walking out of the bedroom: "Good morning!" Barney: "I'm banging that chick, I'm thinking about Robin!""
 * Barney's friend "Insane" Dwayne got a girl (whom he would eventually marry) to go home with him using only one word, "Boner".
 * Disaster Averted is one of the funniest episodes they have ever done. Barney trying to, Marshall's fear that whenever he goes anywhere he will be   The random French interlude...
 * Barney catches feelings.

"Ted: "I was totally bluffing - I don't even have enough cards!""
 * How I Met Your.
 * What about How I Met Your Mother, Russian version?
 * Drunk!Ted playing poker with Stripper Lily and New Marshall's buddies. Actually, pretty much every millisecond of Drunk!Ted in "46 Minutes" is a CMOF.

"New Marshall: I wonder why Dr. Kevin doesn't recognize me from all those sessions three years ago? Kevin: Is that the guy who stabbed all those prison guards?"
 * "It is party for New York Yankees and Coca Cola".
 * "We built chip city! We built chip city on all your dough!"
 * These thoughts occur as Robin, Barney and Ted decide what to do during the night

"Lily's POV: "While I'm gone, don't go snooping around in our stuff. I know you think we have a sex tape hidden somewhere, so I'll save you the trouble: we don't. Goodbye." Barney's POV: *in which everything in his line of sight is fogged out except for Lily's breasts* "Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-we have a sex tape hidden somewhere-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa!" Barney: Challenge accepted!"
 * Barney's film about trying to convince Marshall and Lily to find out the sex of their baby was written and produced by him and directed by McG.
 * Ted's mental freakout while lying in bed after he asks Robin if she wants to get back together in "No Pressure". He comes up with the ridiculous excuse that he went insane due to lyme disease he got while camping, which Robin didn't know about because he goes camping in secret. Josh Radnor's facial expressions during the inner monologue are absolutely side-splitting, as is the moment when he decides to just tell Robin to forget he said anything, but when he gets up to find her at his door, he blurts out "I GO CAMPING IN SECRET!" just before Robin shoves her tongue down his throat.
 * Robin hysterically screaming at Patrice, her arch-enemy from work.
 * When Lily has to leave Barney alone at her house and warns him to stay out of trouble, Future!Ted plays the scene from both Lily and Barney's points of view:

""I slap my own ass!"
 * Also, Lily and Marshall's attempts to respectively persuade and dissuade Barney from watching their sex tape.

"I slap my own ass!""

"Ted: Well, that's the entire story of me and Robin, 2005 to the present. What do you think? Ned: I think your stories are way too long dude. Martin: I feel bad for your future kids."
 * The baffling Noodle Incident from "The Mermaid Theory", which features Ted randomly bursting into the bar wearing a gauzy green dress and informing Barney "Okay, now we're even!". Given that it was a flashforward in which Lily was heavily pregnant, it ought to be explained in the show any week now.
 * Now explained, and just as hilarious in context as out of it.
 * The Lampshade Hanging at the end of "The Broath." Especially considering who he's talking to.

"Cat funeral, cat funeral. It was an accident, and not entirely my fault. Meow, meow, meow, meow, Cat funeral, Cat funeral"
 * Also the Gregorian chants: "Brooo, Broooooo, Bro-o-o-o-o"
 * In "Bagpipes", Marshall's obsession with musical photo montages. It starts with Chinese food, then cat-sitting for Lily's mom, then:

"Barney: Twins! Is the top grossing film of 1988."
 * Barney & Robin teasing Marshall & Lily about the sex of their baby.


 * Ted, in a desperate attempt to not think about Robin, goes on a date with a girl. When the girl claims her ex, Wayne, had no manners, Ted immediately links it to Wayne Manor, which in inevitably linked to Batman and Robin.