If I Had a Nickel

...for every time I'd seen this trope, I'd have...well, I guess I could buy a candy bar or something....

A Stock Phrase, in response to a frequent event. The character will say something along the lines of, "If I had a nickel for every time X happened, I'd be rich." Expect "nickel" to be replaced with whatever currency appears in the work.

A common variant is for the character to simply trail off after the first part, eg: "If I had a nickel for every time X happened..." Additionally, this trope might be Played for Laughs by having the second part of the phrase add up to something impossible (for instance, getting $5.47 from nickels).

This trope often overlaps with Noodle Incident and Oh, No, Not Again, in that this is usually the first time we've seen this happen to them.

This becomes a Subverted Trope when a character instead says something like, "If I had a nickel for every time X happened...I'd have two nickels." Lately, this subversion has become common enough that the trope looks to be heading towards either Dead or Undead Horse Trope territory.

Anime and Manga
"Seto Kaiba: If I had a dime for every time you said the word destiny, I'd be even richer."
 * The Yu-Gi-Oh! dub:

Film
"Jim Lovell: Well... if I had a dollar for every time they've killed me in this thing [a simulator], I wouldn't have to work for you, Deke."
 * Superman, as Clark Kent, in Superman III: "If I had a dime for every kid who asked me to get Superman's autograph..."
 * I.Q.: "If you had a nickel for every nickel he has, you'd have a whole lot of nickels!"
 * Baseketball: "If I had a nickel for every time this ball's gotten me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels!"
 * Apollo 13:

"Lora Madigan: I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. Kenneth Mason: If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that."
 * Under-Cover Man (1932) makes this Older Than Television:

"If I had a nickel for each time my ex-husband didn't perform ... Actually, I do have a nickel for each time."
 * From Cybill, courtesy of Maryann (Christine Baranski), Deadpan Snarker divorcee:

"If I had a nickel for every cigarette your mother smoked, I'd be dead."
 * Arthur, on his own wealth: "I wish I had a dime for every dime I have."
 * Sub...inv...something-verted in Twin Peaks Fire Walk With Me:

Comic Books

 * Batman (1966): "Devilishly clown prince of crime! If I only had a nickel for every time he's baffled us!"

Jokes

 * If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... Oh wait, he does!
 * If a nickel popped out for every joke at the expense of [insert popular hate target here], nobody would be poor.

Literature

 * A repeated joke in Discworld novels.
 * In Night Watch, Nobby Nobbs says that if he had a dollar for every watchman's funeral he'd attended he'd have $19.50. He did the math right, it's just that one of them woke up before they buried him.
 * And in Lords and Ladies, Mustrum Ridcully says that if he had a penny for every time he'd been kicked out of the tavern in Lancre, he'd have $5.38.
 * In Moving Pictures, Windle Poons says that if he had a penny for every time the Watch chased him home, he'd have "fivepence-ha'penny", (because they once gave up halfway).
 * In So Long and Thanks For All The Fish, Ford Prefect says: "If I had a pound for every time one part of the universe looked at another part of the universe and say 'thats terrible' I wouldn't be sitting here like a lemon asking you to bring me a cup of coffee, but I don't and I am."
 * Maximum Ride uses this occasionally.

Live-Action TV
"Assumpta Fitzgerald: Thanks for last night. You were good. Enda Sullivan: If I had a pound for every time a woman said that to me..."
 * Ballykissangel's episode "River Dance":

"Lily van der Woodsen:  Don't leave your dirty package on the table. Chuck Bass: If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that."
 * The Daily Show: "You know, if I had a nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after bin Laden."
 * The Colbert Report: "If I had a nickel for every time [subject/topic]...I'd really like that!"
 * Gossip Girl:

"Regina: Steve, can I see you for a moment? Steve: Ya know, if I had a nickel for every time a woman approached me with that question... Regina: You'd have 12 minutes on a parking meter."
 * Oz: "If I had a nickel for every time I didn't understand, you'd be talking to an empty chair."
 * The Steve Harvey Show:

"Walden: Relax, I'm not going to hook up with your mom. Alan: Yeah, if I had a dime for every time I herd that I'd have $3.60. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's happened 36 times. Walden: That's a weird thing to keep track of."
 * Tales from the Crypt episode "Only Sin Deep": "You know somethin' honey, if I had a dollar for every time you stood in the mirror admirin' your face, I could get off these streets and retire to the Bahamas."
 * Two and A Half Men, "An Old Flame with a New Wick": "If I had a nickel for every time a girl broke up with me and came back as a man, I'd have a nickel!"
 * "Those Fancy Japanese Toilets:"

"Neil: If I had a penny for every time I had to answer the door, I'd have £5.63."
 * X-Play: "But first, we start with World War II; oh, if I had a nickel for every time I said that, I could finally afford to buy myself a pony."
 * The Young Ones episode "Bomb":

"Kevin Bacon: Man if I had a dollar for every jock strap my stalker stole from me... Jack: You'd have $187!... (Kevin Bacon looks at him strangely) Jack: (nervously) ...It's just an expression."
 * Will and Grace:

"Warren: If I had a nickel for every wedgie I got in junior high... Oh wait... I do (smiles)."
 * Used humorously in the short-lived sit-com Dweebs when Carey talks to her boss, Warren, about the rest of the guys telling her about how they used to be bullied:

"Drew: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time someone said that to me... Ryan: You'd have a dime."
 * On one episode of Cram, one of the trivia "facts" used in the Bonus Round went something like: "If you had a nickel for every time anybody ever said 'If I had a nickel,' you would have 78 trillion nickels."
 * Running gag on Whose Line Is It Anyway?:

"Lila: (On the phone talking to Fran) Oh, you have no idea how happy I am to hear your voice. Fran: Oh, you know, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that... I'd have a nickel."
 * The Nanny episode "Fran's Roots":

"Estelle: I couldn't help but notice that you have quite a library in there. Mrs. Ross: If I had a dime for every book he's actually read, I'd be broke."
 * The Seinfeld episode "The Rye", where George's parents, Frank and Estelle have dinner with the parents of his fiancée, Susan Ross:

Music
"If I had a dime for every time I thought of you I would be through scraping for crumbs..."
 * "If I had a dollar bill for every time I've been wrong, I'd be a self-made millionaire and you'd still be gone"—a Reel Big Fish song.
 * There's a song by David Ryan Harris called "If I Had a Dime"

"If I had a nickel for every time I wished your love was still mine I'd have a dime, one thin dime."
 * Similarly, Redmon & Vale's "If I Had a Nickel (One Thin Dime)"

"If I had a dollar bill for all the things I've done There'd be a mountain of money piled under my chin"
 * In the Olivia Newton-John song "Please Mister Please", the singer laments that "if I had a dime for every time I held you, [...], I could swear I'd be the richest girl in Nashville, maybe even in the state of Tennessee."
 * "Missionary Man" by Eurhythmics:

"If I had a dollar for every time I repented the sin but commit the same crime I'd be sitting on top of the world today"
 * "God Help Me" by Emilie Autumn:

"If I had a dollar for every name that you just dropped you'd be here and I'd be on a yacht."
 * "Take A Hint" by Victoria Dawn Justice and Liz Gillies:

Radio
"Sue Scott's character: If I had a nickel for every time I have seen people talking on the phone while they drove today, I could buy the Taj Mahal. Or a studio apartment in Brooklyn."
 * From the radio show A Prairie Home Companion, in a Guy Noir sketch set in New York:

Recorded and Stand Up Comedy

 * Mitch Hedberg: "If I had a quarter for every time this happened, I'd be making money in a very odd way."

Video Games
"Mahasti: You missed your time! The Vizier has already begun to transform the women I imprisoned! You buy yourself hours at best! The Prince:  If I had some sands for every time someone said that to me.  Oh! I do!"
 * Prince of Persia

"Mahasti: Your journey will not end well! The Prince: If I had sands for every time someone said that to me... Oh, apparently I do!"
 * And again:

Web Comic
"Sora: Man, if I had a nickel every time a roommate commited a crime against humanity... Namine: You would have $7.12."
 * Ansem Retort:

"Violetta: If I had a Belgian chocolate mimmoth for every hour I've had to listen to Tarvek blather on about those stupid muses, I'd weigh a thousand kilos. Professor Mezzasalma: ...really? Violetta: Oh yeah, I worked it out once."
 * Girl Genius:

"Old Man: Why, if I had a nickel for every dime I had, I'd still be rolling in cash!"
 * Eight Bit Theater

Web Original
"Liam The Leprechaun: If I had a nickel, for every time the Annoying Orange annoyed me; well I wouldn't need to find my pot of gold now, would I? (laughs) I still want to though."
 * Homestar Runner: "Man, if I had a nickel for every email I get, I would throw them at people in the food court. From that railing, like up above."
 * During "The Annoying Orange Comedy Roast":


 * (The Customer is) Not Always Right got a photo where that phrase is used in a compliment.

Western Animation
"Dr. Hibbert: Oh, if I had $75 for every novelty I've removed...Oh, by the way, the operation will cost $75."
 * From Kim Possible, in the episode "Ron Millionaire": "If I had a nickel for every time I heard that [talking about Bonnie's comment]...I could have grande-sized!" The plot of the episode revolved around Ron actually receiving a huge royalty check from Bueno Nacho, tabulated as a nickel for ever Naco(a fast-food entree of his own invention) sold.
 * SpongeBob SquarePants: "If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have...I'd have one dollar."
 * Parodied in The Simpsons:

"Harold: If I had a dime for every time somebody called me dumb...I'd sure have a whole bunch of dimes!"
 * Brian on Family Guy used this expression (without spelling out the "I'd be rich" part of the thought), and was completely dumbfounded when his girlfriend's companions didn't recognize the saying on its own.
 * It seemed, though, that Brian himself didn't understand the expression well enough to explain it to them. He seemed to be dumbfounded not only because they were unfamiliar with the expression (which is indeed a bit ignorant), but also because he hadn't thought about the expression enough to immediately know the answer to the question "What does that saying mean?"
 * Another episode had Meg combine this with Curse Cut Short: "If I had a nickel for every time my parents walked out instead of teaching me to drive, I'd be one rich-"
 * Hey Arnold!:

"Hank: If I had a nickel for every time I buckled under pressure, I'd have five nickels."
 * In Adventure Time, after he, Jake tells   if he had a penny for every time someone has been driven mad with magic power...he'd be Abraham Lincoln. Incidentally, this is a pretty common event in their world.
 * Phineas and Ferb's clip show episode plays with this trope from Doofenshmirtz, Phineas, and Linda. Doof and Linda realize that the total amount equals that of a candy bar.
 * In the movie, Doofenshmirtz noted if he had a nickel for every time he'd been doomed by a puppet...he'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird it happened twice.
 * Also in "The Wizard of Odd" when Buford was a combination Lion, Tiger and Bear, Buford says this after Candance, Jeremy and Baljeet's response to seeing him was "Oh my".
 * King of the Hill episode "To Sirloin With Love":

"Cotton: If I had a nickel for every boy who went crazy in there, I'd be eating nickel soup."
 * Also used by Cotton, to describe "The Hole" at his old boot camp.

"Frankie: If I had a dime for every time I heard that one..."
 * Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends episode "Frankie My Dear":


 * The Oblongs had a subversion: "If I had a nickel for every dollar I had, I'd still be rich"
 * The Xs had a double subversion. When dad said that if he had a nickel for every time his cooking skills saved his life, he stopped to make the calculation, and said he would have 5 dollars. While the money isn't a lot, that actually is a lot of Life saving.