Brewdening Love



""ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever! I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT. So hot. ok now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1 Because shes a dirte bithc so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think!! So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! lov you God xoxoxoxo""

- The beginning of Brewdening Love. And it's all downhill from there.

Brewdening Love is an infamous Twilight fanfiction written by Erin Locklea, aka Erin of the Cullen Clan, and is another in the line of My Immortal-esque fanfics. It stars the Mary Sue (specifically, she's a black hole Relationship Sue) Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smith and is so filled with spelling errors that it might as well be in cuneiform.

The story begins with Joan walking into her English class and suddenly noticing a boy named Edward (Edwerd, Edwad, Ward, etc.) whom she thinks looks like a god (not god God because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, so fuc off sinars). After giving a long description of herself, she tries to flirt with him but he ignores her. Because he's incredibly sex-ah, she forgives him and decides that, because he is so hot, she wants to be his boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend.

Edward continues to ignore her and she continues to stalk him, going so far as to chase him into the school car lot with him screaming at her to go away. While she contemplates the, gasp, horrid thought that maybe he doesn't like her, a bus appears out of nowhere and almost hits her. To the readers' dismay and chagrin, it does not flatten her; instead, a mysterious somebody who she thinks was Edward beacause "there wore amba eyes glisening in the doost!" saves her in the nick of time. She confronts him later and they magically fall in love.

But trouble is on the horizon as it is revealed that Edward is a VAMPTRE! As a devout Chrisnt, Joan is worried. And that bit of potential conflict is shoved in the closet when Edward says that he is a "christina vampite" and therefore okay for her to date. Yeah.

The gripping epic follows their twu wuv as Erin encounters the rest of the Cullens, the problem vamtpie Jhams, and searches the entire country of Canada in twenty minutes. Damn, that Volvo is fast.

Ousted off of Fanfiction.net for its spelling, grammar, blatant homophobia and anti-Semitism, as well as a whole bunch of other atrocities, the fanfic can now be found here.

Now has an Expanded Universe -- see here.

"Erin: Blame the ducks hahah!1"
 * Aborted Arc: Some of the chapters start off at completely different places than where the last ones began. This has become more common recently.

""Yesterday, " said brian. I moved hear frome Canada. Canada is a batter citey then Forks thou." He told us."
 * Abusive Parent: Mr. Smith is an alcoholic.
 * Ascended Extra: Becca, seemingly a background character based on the author's friend, has been given a bigger role in the story.
 * As the Good Book Says...: Erin tries to preach every biblical message she can think of and even called the first chapter "Genesis". Unfortunately, this leads to misinterpretation and even to her making up quotes that she uses to bash flamers.
 * Author Tract: A lot of it. If there's something out there that goes against the Bible, Erin will go out of her way to say it's wrong.
 * Back from the Dead: Emmett was killed, then revived... but if he's a vampire, isn't he already dead?
 * Black Best Friend: Becca. Oddly, Erin actually colored her skin the literal color black, not the skin tone, until a later drawing.
 * Erin claims she's literally black because she's a "maury". It's not clear whether she's attempting to say "moor" or "Maori".
 * Breaking the Fourth Wall: Chapter 37 was almost entirely centered on killing off the Brian x Hugo fanbase. Also, the revenge chapters, which literally put the critics into the story so they can be killed.
 * Canada, Eh?: The cultists who try to sacrifice Jacob for a satanic ritual live in Canada. Brian also moved from there. It's worth mentioning that Erin seems to think it's a city, not a country:


 * Comedic Sociopathy: When the Cullens are deciding how to deal with the traitorous Emmett back in Chapter 9, MC/Esme walks in with a batch of cookies.
 * Comic Book Adaptation: The gafic noval.
 * Costume Porn: Even in the scenes where Joan is depressed, she feels the need to describe everything she's wearing.
 * Crossover: In the spin-offs, Pokémon and Harry Potter characters have shown up.
 * Cure Your Gays: The entire point behind Edwards Secert, along with several quotes from Brewdening Love itself ("Luv u Jenny, no homo" "Guys can love each other but not in the a--" "...That time my sister lied that she was gay and had to go to camp." "the VOLTIRE COUD HALP ME!!! AND THEY COLD KULL BRIAN SO THAT SINNARS WOOD STOP MAKING MY CHARROTERS GAYU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1").
 * Dating What Daddy Hates: Mr. Smith doesn't seem to approve of Joan dating Edward, but so far he hasn't actively done anything to put a stop to it.
 * Dear Negative Reader: The author's notes often yell at the flamers, but never really go into detail to defend her story.
 * Easy Evangelism: Jacob converts to and supports Christianity in under a day.
 * Fan Nickname: Mr. Smith was nicknamed Hugo after Hugo Weaving's role in The Matrix as Agent Smith. Erin doesn't seem to address this.
 * Female Misogynist: Author Erin Locklea is this.
 * Fingore: In Edwards Secert, you have to either cut off your own finger or die in order to cure homosexuality.
 * The Fundamentalist: Joan. She's supposed to be an "ideal Christian".
 * Green-Eyed Monster: Joan, when anyone is around Edward.
 * Hate Fic: The Spin-Off Truelove Fight is this to Pokémon.
 * Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?: "I luv u, but no homo k?"
 * Kill It with Fire: Brian's main strategy.
 * Love Dodecahedron: In case anyone would like to keep track, this is what it currently looks like.
 * Missing Mom: Joan's mom never shows up, nor is she ever mentioned. Joan does, however, apparently have a sister who is a lesbian and was sent to "camp".
 * MST: The TwilightSucks forums have a whole archive of them. The author herself wrote two Revenge Fic chapters against the snarkers after reading them, casting them as evil, devil-worshiping vampires.
 * Murder the Hypotenuse: Joan wants to kill Jenny so she can have Edward all to herself. What a great friend Joan is.
 * Neon Sign Hideout: What were the "Volturi Mafia" smoking when they used the seven wonders of the world to decorate their hideout?
 * No Sex Allowed: Even though Joan clearly wants it.
 * Overly Long Name: What kind of self-respecting Mary Sue would Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smith be if she didn't have one of these?
 * Pyromaniac: Brian.
 * Revenge Fic: Four chapters of Brewdening Love attack actual internet users (two for the snarkers and two for trolls impersonating her friends), chapter 37 attacks Brian x Hugo shippers, and Edwards Secret attacks gays in general.
 * Rouge Angles of Satin: The whole fic is full of this. Even the title is spelled wrong!
 * Self-Insert Fic: Erin admits in the first chapter that this is what Twilight would be like if she were Bella. She has tried to deny it a few times since, but judging by how many times their names get mixed up...
 * Shallow Love Interest: Why do Joan and Edward like each other again, other than the whole "hawt" thing?
 * Spin-Off: There are five of them.
 * Twilight World: A crossover with the Bible, except with Twilight characters instead of the real characters. Formerly called Twilight Bible.
 * Bellas Baby: A one-shot in which Bella is pregnant with James' demon child and has to get an abortion from Professor McGonagall. Was Lost Forever, can now be found here.
 * Truelove Fight: Another crossover, only in bad spirits. This one has Edward hunting and killing Pokémon because Pikachu's ears resemble devil horns.
 * Edwards Birthday: A one-shot meant to support the Joan x Edward pairing. It has a character named Tana (possibly the canon character Tanya) who tries to get with Edward to disastrous results.
 * Edwards Secert: A rightly loathed one-shot where Edward and Jacob become gay for each other and a Roaring Rampage of Revenge is launched against Jacob when he refuses to cut off one of his own fingers as a means of repentance.
 * Stalker with a Crush: Joan follows Edward around when she first decides that he's "sex-ah". It gets so bad that he has to flee into a parking lot while she's chasing him, which is when she finally gets the idea that he may not like her.
 * Troll Fic: It could easily be this.
 * Would Hit a Girl: In chapter 28, Brian punches Joan, quote: "Because I am the FBI and I can."
 * A line which has since become an Ascended Meme.
 * Write Who You Know: Erin (as Joan), Jenny, Becca, and Father Holden.
 * Yandere: Joan is such a sweet Christian girl--until you get between her and Edward.
 * You Shall Not Pass: "NO SINNARS ALLUWED TO READ IT OK. BECOISE THEY DON'T FALLOW THE LORDS WEIGHTS AND HIS TEECHINGS AND THEY AR TYING TO BRING THE DEVAL INTO MY LIF!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111111111111"