Cleolinda Jones

Cleolinda Jones is the author of Movies in 15 Minutes, which began as a series of Internet parodies and eventually led to a book. The parodies frequently engage in Lampshade Hanging or subverting common tropes. She is also known for her hilarious recaps of the Twilight books and the popular Mega Crossover series, The Secret Life of Dolls (Which has a series page that can be found here.).

"Yeah, it's like, Bella wants to be a vampire but she doesn't want to be a vampire before she's had sex as a human, and Edward doesn't want her to be a vampire but he wants to get married, but Bella doesn't want to get married unless she can be a vampire, but Edward won't have sex with her until they get married, and then you put the fox and the grain in the boat and you leave the goose back on the riverbank."
 * Actor Allusion: Snape to Peter Pettigrew, with Bellatrix present: "Begone, Wormtail! Go fetch us a meat pie or something."
 * Emo Teen:The Phantom is portrayed as this, with a bit of Jerkass thrown in for good measure.
 * Fox Chicken Grain Puzzle: One of her Twilight descriptions references it:

"A lot of people are really passionate about these books. Some of them love and defend them passionately; others... well. I'm not going to defend them any more than I'm going to defend Twinkies--you go and get yourself a Twinkie when you have a very specific kind of craving SUGARRRRR! . If you want gourmet pastry, or even a homemade cake, you know where to get that. If you're eating a Twinkie, you clearly know what you want and why you're eating it, and you know that it's not good to eat very many of them, but... you know... sometimes you just want one. And then when you're done you read it all over again. Apparently there are people who think that Twinkies count as fine dining, but... well, live and let live, I guess."
 * Good Name for A Rock Band: Outragous Flavour and Furious Kitten. Both actually come from Midnight Sun (Twilight).
 * Guilty Pleasure: Cleo describes the Twilight series as this, with a metaphor:

"Where are my lulz? My sparkly, sparkly lulz? MY TWINKIE HAS GONE BAD. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY COULD DO THAT."
 * Of course, during her summary of New Moon:

"Voldemort: I'm going to kill you, Harry Potter. Just as soon as I finish this monologue. Any day now."
 * Hollywood Homely: Erik's "Sunburn O' Doom" is the subject of much mockery.
 * Just Between You and Me: Voldemort in Goblet Of Fire in Fifteen Minutes:


 * Littlest Cancer Patient (Trope Namer)
 * Manly Tears: "Raoul, how come *you* never cry when I kiss you?"
 * Money, Dear Boy: Cleo mocks two Oscar nomniee actresses for being in Eclipse in the Fifteen minutes of the movie.
 * "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: Frequent in her Twilight recaps. As she says in the beginning of her Breaking Dawn recap, "Hand to God, I did not make one word of that up. Twilight means never having to say you're kidding."
 * And again with The Happening, in response to the line "it may be an act of God which we may never fully understand".
 * One of Us: Cleo is thrilled to be a Trope Namer.
 * Not to mention, The Happening in Fifteen Minutes has a Pothole that leads to the Anvilicious page.
 * One-Woman Wail: She refers to it as "Our Lady of Soundtrack Sorrow".
 * Overly Narrow Superlative: She describes the Twilight series as "the best series starting with a teenage girl in love with a mysterious boy in her class that ended up with a teenage girl defending her growth-accelerated mutant hybrid baby from an ancient clan of evil vampires with her magical psychic shield that I ever read."
 * Retirony: King Arthur lampshades it in King Arthur in Fifteen Minutes ("Awww, dude! Look what you went and did! Now you're totally going to have to die, so we can dispose of your body in that precise manner. It's like, a rule.") and given a Call Back-slash-Actor Allusion in Clash of the Titans in Fifteen Minutes ("But it is not my time to meet her yet. Unless it is, in which case I intend to go down smiling like a badass." "Well now that you've SAID THAT, it is! Didn't you learn anything from Lancelot?")
 * Rousing Speech
 * Running Gag: Most of her Movies in 15 Minutes will have a running joke throughout the entry. Example of a series-wide one that can be found in her Harry Potter series: (This scene has been cut for time)
 * Suspiciously Specific Denial: "Lecter is giving his final Please Hire Me, I'm Totally Not a Fugitive Cannibal presentation"
 * This Is for Emphasis, Bitch: "QED, BITCHES."
 * Your Other Left: in The Matrix. ("Go forward! No, your other forward!!")