Spaceballs/Funny

"Lone Starr: Sorry, Barf!
 * When Lone Starr was trained by Yogurt on how to use the Schwartz. He practices by lifting the colossal Yogurt statue. Barf, amazed at this, asks Lone Starr how he did that, which distracted him and made him accidentally drop the statue on his buddy's foot, causing the Mawg to start yelping in pain. Yogurt then takes the ring he gave Lone Star to use to train with and lifts the statue to free Barf. The Mawg's foot was completely flattened.

(Barf walks away, howling and moaning from the pain)"

"Dark Helmet: So Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because Good Is Dumb."
 * "FOOLED YOU!"
 * During Lone Starr and Dark Helmet's duel:

"Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr. I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
 * Or, from earlier in the same scene:

Lone Starr: What does that make us?

Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become."

"They fast-forward past the stuff you've seen before in the movie. Dark Helmet has a bamboozled look on his face as he watches. And after seeing himself crash into the control panel earlier...
 * Even better: depends on how many siblings Lone Starr's father had, Lone Starr and Dark Helmet could actually be former roommates.
 * While watching Spaceballs: The Movie:

Dark Helmet: No no, go past this; past this part. (darts eyes to the side) In fact, never play this again. (sips coffee, then swallows)

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, it's right here. (to the Operator) Stop.

They are now watching themselves-right-now. Dark Helmet is very confused and proceeds to wave his arm up and down.

Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.

Dark Helmet: What happened to then?

Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.

Dark Helmet: When?

Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.

Dark Helmet: Go back to then.

Colonel Sandurz: When?

Dark Helmet: Now.

Colonel Sandurz: Now?

Dark Helmet: Now!

Colonel Sandurz: I can't.

Dark Helmet: Why?

Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.

Dark Helmet: When?

Colonel Sandurz: Just now.


 * beat*

Dark Helmet: When will then be now?

Colonel Sandurz: Soon.

Dark Helmet: How soon?

Operator: Sir!

Dark Helmet: What?!

Operator: We've identified their location.

Dark Helmet: Where?!

Operator: It's the moon of Vega.

Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.

Dark Helmet: When?!

Operator: 1900 hours, sir.

Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.

Dark Helmet: WHOOOOOOOOO?!?! (mask on helmet slams down)"

"Dark Helmet: How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyway?!
 * Plus, when they're getting the movie, they go over to a rack containing every previous Mel Brooks movie, and Rocky I through Rocky XIV.
 * Which sets up a subtle Brick Joke that pays off right after Pizza the Hutt's death is announced on the news. "Coming up next, Pongo's review of Rocky Five... Thousand."
 * And towards the start of the film, where Dark Helmet meets the extended Asshole family:

(Everyone else (but one) on the bridge stands up and waves)

Assholes: Yo!

Dark Helmet: I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes! (puts his visor back down) Keep firing, Assholes!"

"Lone Starr and Barf: (quickly stand up) Check Please!"
 * The 'Keep Firing' bumped it from amusing to Crowning Moment of Funny.
 * "Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!"
 * "It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!"
 * The diner scene near the end. A chestburster suddenly, for want of a better phrase, bursts out of the chest of a patron at the diner (played by John Hurt), and proceeds to do the "Hello my baby, hello my honey" Michigan J. Frog rag. As he exits stage-right, Lone Starr and Barf have only one response:

"Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed!
 * The bumper sticker encompassing the tail end of Spaceball I, which reads ""
 * The one on the tail end of the Eagle 5, which reads "I [heart] Uranus"
 * The license plate on the front of Vespa's Mercedes, which reads "Spoil'd Rott'n"
 * The entire Ludicrous Speed segment. The whole thing.

Dark Helmet: No-no-no, light speed is too slow!

Colonel Sandurz: Light speed too slow?

Dark Helmet: Yes, we'll have to go right to... Ludicrous Speed!

(The entire crew gasps.)

Colonel Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if this ship can take it!

Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?

(Beat)

Colonel Sandurz: (voice breaks harshly) Prepare the ship-- (collects himself) Prepare the ship for Ludicrous Speed! Fasten all seat belts! Seal all entrances and exits! Close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo--

Dark Helmet: (snatches PA voice box from Sandurz's hand) Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed--

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?

Dark Helmet: Aw, buckle this! Ludicrous speed, GO!

(Dark Helmet screaming as he sees various warp trails on the monitor. Meanwhile, there are signs lighting up indicating "", "", and a flashing "" sign.)

Dark Helmet: (straining) What have I...done?! My brains...are going into...my feet!

(The Streaming Stars soon turn into a plaid pattern. Lone Starr and Barf duck as Spaceball One rockets past them)

Barf: Whoa! ...what the hell was that?

Lone Starr: Spaceball One.

Barf: They've gone to plaid!

Dark Helmet: We passed 'em! Stop this thing!

Colonel Sandurz: (whimpering) We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first!

Dark Helmet: BULLSHIT! STOP THIS THING! I ORDER YOU! STOP!!!

(Sandurz struggles to reach a lever labeled "". When he pulls it, Dark Helmet is rocketed towards the front console, where he smashes it and his helmet).

Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right, sir?

Dark Helmet: (dazed) Fine. How have you been?

Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.

Dark Helmet: Yeah.

Colonel Sandurz: What should we do now, sir?

Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?

Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, sir.

Dark Helmet: Good. Why don't we take a five minute break?

Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir.

Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em.

(Dark Helmet collapses.)"

"Radar Technician: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit! (taps his helmet, making beeps. Talks into the communicator in a high static voice) Sir?
 * The Radar Officer who makes his own sound effects:

Colonel Sandurz: What is it?

Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, sir?

Colonel Sandurz: Well?

Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!

Colonel Sandurz: You don't need that private. (takes the communicator and puts it back on its place) We're right here, now what is it?

Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!

Dark Helmet: (angrily grabs and throws the communicator away) NOW WHAT IS IT?

Radar Technician: (normal voice) I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!

Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?!

Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps.

Dark Helmet: The what?

Colonel Sandurz: The what?

Dark Helmet: And the what?

Radar Technician: You know, the bleeps... (Makes beeping noise)... the sweeps... (Makes vibrating noise) and the creeps. (Makes squeaking noise)

Dark Helmet: (Quietly, to Sandurz) That's not all he's lost."

"Dark Helmet: (using a deep voice) So Princess Vespa, at last, I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to. (in higher-pitched, feminine voice) No please leave me alone! (deep voice) NO! You are mine! (imitates Lone Starr) Not so fast, Helmet! (Helmet voice) Lone Starr! (Lone Starr voice) Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi honey! (Helmet voice) Now, you are going to die! (makes shooting noises, Lone Starr voice) Ahhh...ahhh! (imitates Barf) Hey! whadja do to my friend? (Helmet voice) The same thing I'm going do to you big boy! (makes shooting noises at "Barf") And you too! ("shoots Dot") Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. (Vespa voice) Oh, no! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Leave me alone! And yet,...I find you strangely attractive. (Helmet voice) Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you know it. (Vespa voice) NO! Leave me alone! (Helmet voice) NO! Kiss me!! (in Vespa voice, makes smooching noises with the Dark Helmet and Princess Vespa figures) OH..ohh.....oh your helmet is sooo big.
 * It's funnier since: A, the Radar Technician is played by Michael Winslow, the king of making sound effects; and B, the look Dark Helmet had on his face while saying the last line above.
 * Maybe I'm just imagining it but on the last "I'm having trouble with the radar sir." line that Michael Winslow says in his normal voice, he seems to be having trouble keeping a straight face. The man makes it through countless Police Academy films and it's this one scene he almost corpses on? That cracks me up.
 * You're not imagining it. Listen to him say "I'm having trouble with the radar, sir" in his normal voice. You can hear him almost laugh. Watch here.
 * Dark Helmet playing with his Spaceballs: The Action Figures playset.

Colonel Sandurz: (barges in) Lord Helmet!

Dark Helmet: (startled, hiding his action figures) WHAT!!??

Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir.

Dark Helmet: (unfathomably embarrassed) KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!!!

Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir!

Dark Helmet: Did you see anything!?

Colonel Sandurz: No sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!

Dark Helmet: GOOD!"

"Vespa: How was that?
 * An interesting note about this scene: Mel Brooks wasn't the one who wrote this part of the movie, but rather Rick Moranis himself, who plays Helmet in the movie, that improvised this scene. They just handed him a handful of action figures and told him to go nuts.
 * "You idiots! These are not them! YOU'VE CAPTURED THEIR STUNT DOUBLES!"
 * Dark Helmet ordering his men to 'comb the desert', which, of course, they take to mean literally.
 * We ain't found shit!
 * Making that funnier? That's the fellow who went on to play Tuvok!
 * "I'm not shooting this thing! I hate guns!"
 * Followed by Princess Vespa's Berserk Button : "My hair! He SHOT MY HAIR!"*cocking gun* "Son of a BITCH!"

Lone Starr: Not bad.

Barf: Not bad... for a girl.

Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!"

""Why didn't anybody tell me my ass was so big!?""
 * "'Out of Order'?! FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!!"
 * The entire "beaming" sequence.

"Vespa: Open the door!
 * "Raspberry... there's only one man who would DARE give me the raspberry..."
 * LONE STARR! *bonk*
 * The way Colonel Sandurz blatantly sees the camera approach and backs off...
 * The gang trying to escape Spaceball City. One of the stocktroopers shoots at the handle of Eagle 5's side door.

Barf: I can't, its fused!

Vespa: (trying to open the cockpit door) What about this one?

Barf: It's locked!

Vespa: WHERE ARE THE KEYS?

Barf: Inside!

Vespa: OH GREAT!"

"Guard: What the hell are you doing?
 * None of the characters ever point it out, but the stuff in the back of the Winnebago includes a large gray fire hydrant labeled "MAWG'S ROOM".
 * A definite Too Dumb to Live moment, when Lonestar tries to knock out a Spaceball guard.

Lonestar: [In a dubious voice] The Vulcan Neck Pinch?

Guard: No no no, stupid, you've got it much too high. Down lower, where the shoulder meets the neck.

Lonestar: Like this? [Correctly performs the move]

Guard: Yeah! [collapses]"

"They both look down"
 * This editor considers the "moichendizing" scene the funniest, hitting the high point when Yogurt pulls out "Spaceballs, the flamethrower."
 * Don't you mean "Spacebawls, da Flametrowah"?
 * "I see your Schwarz is as big as mine".

"Dark Helmet: You call this a radar machine?!
 * The sequence where Dark Helmet embarrasses himself and everyone else is too terrified to contradict him:

Colonel Sandurz: No sir, we call it "Mr. Coffee". Care for some?

Dark Helmet: (Pause for thought) Yes! I always drink coffee when I'm watching radar, you know that!

Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.

Dark Helmet: Everyone knows that!

The Crew: (covering their genitalia due to an earlier guy who got zapped) OF COURSE WE DO, SIR!

Dark Helmet: Now I've got my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar.

Then a final visual gag as the radar machine is right next to the coffee machine, looks pretty much the same, and is titled "Mr. Radar"."

"Guard 1: HEY!!! THOSE ARE THE GUYS WHO STOLE OUR UNIFORMS!!
 * "Funny. She doesn't look Druish".
 * Dot Matrix' "Virgin Alarm" activating just as Lone Star and Vespa kiss. (To Lone Star)"It's programmed to go off before you do!"
 * In Spaceball City when Barf and Lone Star are Dressing As the Enemy they find the guards in the hallway in their underwear.

Guard 2: And beat the shit out of us too."

"Dark Helmet: I can't breathe in this thing!"
 * Dark Helmet slurping coffee with his mask down.
 * Dark Helmet's entrance. It starts out as something akin to a homage to Darth Vader, with Helmet walking past the terrified technicians, with cuts to their freak'd out faces. Through it all, we hear the heavy sound of him breathing. Once Helmet gets close enough to the camera, his breath becomes raspy, and he flips up his scary visor, showing Rick Moranis' face. Mood Whiplash at its finest.

"Vespa: I'm gonna tell him off, once and for all.
 * "To join... Princess Vespa and Prince Valium, in the bonds of holy- MOLY!!"
 * This dialogue:

Dot Matrix: Wait a minute. We need him to get us out of here.

Lone Starr: Call me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a few thing to her...

Dot: Besides, he's gotta sexy voice. He might be cute.

Barf: Wait a minute, you haven't even seen what she looks like.

Lone Starr: I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess you've seen them all.

Vespa: Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike: fat, ugly...

Lone Starr: Bucktoothed...

Vespa: ...beer-swillin' pig!

Lone Starr: ...horse-faced space dog!

Barf: Yeah well normally I... (tries to get up but still had his seatbelt on) Ooh! That's gonna leave a mark.

Vespa: Now listen you... (she's struck by his looks, then shakes it off)

Lone Starr: You listen! On this ship, you refer to me as "idiot", not "you captain"! ... I mean... you know what I mean!"