Game of Thrones/Funny

Season 1
"Arya: Jon, watch this. Nymeria! Gloves!
 * Jaime talking about Robert "fucking boars and hunting whores, or is it the other way around?"
 * Tyrion repeatedly slapping Joffrey across the face for not showing sympathy to the Starks over Bran's fall, while Joffrey's bodyguard Sandor Clegane just stands there, uncaring.
 * Speaking of Clegane standing there uncaring, the line that leads up to that is Joffrey saying he won't talk to Catelyn because he "can't stand the wailing of women." He looks at the Hound all "amirite, bro?" and the Hound, needless to say, does not respond with a high-five.
 * Arya trying to show Jon her direwolf (Nymeria) helping her pack.

Nymeria: [Ignores her]

Jon: ...impressive.

Arya: [Indignantly] Shut up. [Clears throat and speaks firmly and clearly] Nymeria! Gloves!

Nymeria: [Tilts head and looks at Arya quizzically]

Arya: ARGH!"

"Tyrion: [As Jamie is leaving while Tyrion is being smothered by the whores] Close the door! [Jamie doesn't]"
 * Episode 2: Tyrion says he wants to stand atop the Wall and "piss off of the edge of the world". Guess what happens in Episode 3?
 * Tyrion says he'll be too busy fucking his way through several whores to go to dinner. What does Jaime do? Bring in 4 more so his brother will be done in time to keep him company. And comes this hilarious line.

""Oh, did I kill him as well? I've been a very busy man.""
 * In his first appearance, Littlefinger is quickly established as amusingly slimy and gets slapped by Catelyn and choked by Ned for it. After the latter happens, he gets a great Shakespearean villain aside where he comments, "The Starks - quick tempers and slow minds..."
 * Jon bares his soul to Samwell about being unable to sleep with a prostitute at the thought of fathering a bastard of his own. Samwell's response: "So... you didn't know where to put it!"
 * Hearing King Robert roaring "YOU SMELL LIKE BLACKBERRY JAM!" (at a prostitute he's with) from inside a bedchamber.
 * Arya's exasperation at being repeatedly mistaken for a boy in "The Wolf and the Lion."
 * Catelyn takes Tyrion prisoner for the attempt on Bran's life and drags him to her sister's domain to stand trial. When they get there, Lady Arryn accuses him of being involved with Jon Arryn's death as well. Tyrion's response?

"Tyrion: They say it's impregnable.
 * Tyrion and Bronn having a little conversation on the defenses of the Eyrie, hinting at a beautiful friendship to come.

Bronn: Give me ten good men and some climbing spikes and I'll impregnate the bitch.

Tyrion: ... I like you."

"Tyrion: I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel--
 * Slightly earlier is the scene after Catelyn's party fights off the marauders that attacked them on the road. Bronn sees that Tyrion has killed one of them, and brings up the fact that you always need a woman after a kill. Tyrion looks over at Catelyn (who is out of earshot) and comments, "I'm willing if she is."
 * Loras, on Renly's older brother: "Stannis has the personality of a lobster!"
 * Not to mention the petulance/double entendres (from both sides) all throughout that conversation!
 * "Jory!"
 * In Episode 6, every second of Tyrion's "confession".
 * And Robyn being completely enraptured by it.

Lysa: Silence!

Robin: What happened next?"

"Tyrion: When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage, I made the bald man cry!"
 * And Bronn's reactions to it.
 * His Hurricane of Euphemisms was the best part of it for me.

"Ned: When you're older, I'll make you a match with someone who's worthy of you. Someone who's brave and gentle and strong.
 * "...into the turtle stew, which my sister ate. At least, I hope she did."
 * And everyone's reactions to that as well.
 * And then after Catelyn reminds Tyion that he stands accused of conspiracy to murder both John Arryn and Bran Stark, Tyrion replies with hilariously perfect cherubic innocence "Oh I'm very sorry. I don't know anything about all that."
 * A bit prior, Tyrion channeling Basil Fawlty while trying to explain the concept of notional debt to the dimwitted Mord. "Sometimes possession is an abstract concept--" *thunk*
 * In episode six, Ned broaches the topic of leaving King's Landing to his daughters, and upon Sansa's reaction to not wanting to leave Prince Joffrey:

Sansa: I don't want someone brave and gentle and strong, I want him!

Arya/Ned: [Smirk]"

""Seven hells!""
 * And oh, what a Funny Aneurysm Moment that's turned out to be.

"Sansa: Where are you from, anyway? The north or the south?
 * Sansa's combination of Politeness Judo and Deadpan Snarkery against Septa Mordane. (And this is from a troper who was never a fan of Sansa. Sophie Turner's performance has won me over.)

Septa Mordane: [clearly pleased to be asked] I come... from a very small village in a--

Sansa: Oh wait... I just realized: ...I don't care."

"Renly: "Such a shame. It would have been so nice for you to have a friend."
 * Proves to be harsher in hindsight after we see the Septa's fate when Joffrey forces Sanza to look at the wall.
 * Littlefinger and Renly at the tornament. You can almost suspect Littlefinger of intentionally losing the bet just to have a chance to say it.

Littlefinger: "And when will you be "having" your friend?""

"Bronn: [To Tywin, in all seriousness] You wouldn't know him."
 * Maester Aemon's utterly serious warning to a new steward about his assigned master: "Make no comment about his nose."
 * Cersei's reaction when Sansa says she'll be a good, trustworthy queen just like her.
 * "Your meat.... is bloody tough!"
 * Tyrion is introducing his traveling companions to his father in the usual manner ([insert name] son of [insert name] ), when he gets to Bronn and realizes he doesn't know his father's name:

"Tyrion: "It's fun! Look at all the fun we're having!""
 * Littlefinger and Varys' practice of Passive Aggressive Kombat in Episode 5.
 * The second time Robb speaks in a deadly calm tone to the Greatjon, the Greatjon backs down. It may be an editing error, but it sounds like Grey Wind makes a faintly disappointed noise. I guess he's tasty.
 * Syrio explaining to Arya that fighting doesn't happen when you're "dancing in the field with your dolls and kittens" and Arya indignantly insisting that she does not like dolls and kittens.
 * When Tyrion is asked how he'd like to die, he responds "At the age of 80, in bed, with a belly full of wine and a girl's mouth around my cock."
 * Tyrion inventing "I Never", and Shae kicking his ass at it.

"Bronn: "There's a Braavosi knife game I could teach you."
 * Bronn's suggestion of a game directly before that:

Tyrion: "Does it involve the potential for losing fingers?"

Bronn: "Not if you win.""

"Bronn: You're a shit warrior."
 * Later in the episode, Tyrion gives a Rousing Speech to the hill tribes and they run off to battle... and then one of the tribesmen accidentally hits Tyrion in the head with a war hammer, knocking him out cold.

"Varys: I must be one of the few men in this city who doesn’t want to be King.
 * Bronn's advice to Tyrion before the battle: "Stay low."
 * The Mood Whiplash moment when . It breaks the tension neatly for.
 * Varys' and Littefinger's discussion about the state of the Spider's...uh, nether regions. ALL OF IT.

Littlefinger: You must be one of the few men in this city who isn’t a man.

Varys: Tsk. You can do better than that."

"Shagga, son of Dolf: "Shagga, son of Dolf, will chop off your manhood -- "
 * Pycelle stretching vibrantly after sleeping with a whore, and then pretending to be frail and slouching before he leaves his chambers.
 * Lancel, Cersei's newest lover, thinking that she actually wants political advice from him and while she sees him as little more than a boytoy/Jaime substitute.
 * Shagga's earnest nod of agreement when Tyrion finishes his Catch Phrase for him.

Tyrion: " -- and feed it to the goats, yes.""

"You got fat."
 * Catelyn and Robb's discussion of his being betrothed to one of Walder Frey's daughters. Specifically when Robb asks for his mother's assessment of Lord Frey's daughters and she says, "One was..." and trails off, clearly unable to think of anything complimentary that wasn't a bald-faced lie. Well, Theon found it hilarious, at least.
 * The first time Viserys uses the f-word in the first episode. It's shockingly funny because 1) it's in a medieval fantasy setting where you don't expect it(maybe from earthy types like Robert but not from evil princes) and 2)he says it in a soft, tender way to his innocent sister even though what he's describing is something horrible.
 * A small one; when Rhakharo asks Dany if she wants him to take off Viserys's ear to teach him respect, Dany says no and that she doesn't want her brother harmed. Irri translates this for Rhakharo, and he basically gives her a look that screams 'Say what?' She in turn gives him the tiniest shrug that clearly says 'Yeah, I know, I don't get it either.' Meanwhile Viserys is still lying on the ground being choked.
 * The first line that King Robert says to his old friend Eddard Stark, after not having seen him for years:

"Barristan: (strips his armor) I lived as a knight and I will die a knight!
 * Even better is Ned's reaction. Sean Bean is able to give us not only "I beg your pardon?" but "Look who's talking!" with just a quick glance and raised eyebrows. And you can see Sean Bean and/or Ned struggling not to crack up, with both he and Robert promptly do a few seconds later.
 * "Dothraki weddings without at least 3 deaths are considered a dull affair".
 * Littlefinger is very pleased to see Catelyn when she arrives at the brothel he owns, but she makes her displeasure at being escorted to such a place very clear. As he's trying to find words to defend himself two topless whores saunter into the room, and he makes frantic gestures for them to get out again; it's probably the only time (apart from when Ned's choking him) that we see the man flustered.
 * On that note, Ned choking him. The fact that it comes out of nowhere and Littlefinger's eyes bug out make seeing the Manipulative Bastard be caught off guard extremely satisfying.
 * When Dany's maid is trying to find something other than horse for her to eat now she's pregnant, Jorah cuts into her suggestions with an utterly deadpan "I don't think she wants to eat dog."
 * At the feast during the king's visit to Winterfell, Sansa and Jeyne are giggling and checking out Joffrey, and a bored Arya starts flicking food at her. Robb cracks up, until his mother gives him a pointed look, and then he hastily carries Arya off to bed.
 * Barristan Selmy quitting the Kings Guard.

Littlefinger: A naked knight, apparently."

"Jon Snow: "I just, I always wanted to be a ranger."
 * Hearing sweet, beautiful Lena Headey cursing like a sailor in the DVD Commentary.
 * The story of how Kit Harrington and John Bradley got stuck in the Wall's elevator for an hour, with an ever-growing number of people gathering below them.
 * Episode 3's commentary starts with... children singing along with the main theme. Only to cut themselves off and introduce themselves as Maisie Williams, Sophie Turner and Isaac Hempstead-Wright. And then go right back to singing along with the main theme.
 * Benioff and Weiss mocking Arya's obviously dubbed-in exposition about Jaime as "our finest writing moment."
 * After Jon Snow is appointed a steward instead of a ranger:

Samwell: "I always wanted to be a wizard."


 * This troper was appalled when Jaimie pushes Bran off the window but has to admit later when he admits it to Catelyn and she asks why his delivery of the line: "I...hoped the fall would kill him." is hilarious (in a dark way).
 * When the Northern lords are arguing which King they should pick in the war, one of them shouts "Renly is not right!" apropos to nothing. The show creators underline this in the commentary track, and say it was an ad-lib which they kept as a joke because of its ridiculousness.

Season 2
"Mathos (eyes wide in complete disbelief): This war isn't about you! We're not attacking King's Landing so you can rape the queen!
 * Ros bossing around other whores with the exact same lines Littlefinger gave to her the previous season.
 * Stannis refusing to refer to Robert as his beloved brother in a letter because, as he points out, he didn't love him; and Davos's tiny "Oh my gods" look.
 * Tyrion's entire arrival in King's Landing: subtly mocking Joffrey to his face before walking away followed by a bunch of hill tribesman, and thoroughly pissing off Cersei by springing on her during a small council meeting that Tywin appointed him acting Hand. Particular mention to his outraged reaction to learning that they only have one Stark left to bargain with.
 * Sam hitching a ride on Grenn's sledge, to which Grenn says that he "killed" it.
 * Cersei and Littlefinger's verbal pissing contest in the Season 2 premiere, where they both passive-aggressively tell each other that they know each other's secrets, and then to one-up him Cersei has her guards seize him and order them to cut this throat, but then changes her mind, has the guards turn around, step forward and back and close their eyes, all to tell Littlefinger that while he has the knowledge, she has the power. Head Bitch In Charge indeed.
 * Seeing Joffrey gets slapped again is more than satisfying, but the one doing it makes it even better: . His face right after is absolutely hilarious.
 * Craster to Jon Snow: "You're prettier than half my daughters."
 * Sallador Saan's first scene, in which he agrees to help Davos and Stannis in their assault on King's Landing with his pirate fleet on the condition that he'd get to plunder the city and "fuck the blonde queen Cersei and fuck her well":

Saan: I'm not going to rape her! I'm going to fuck her!

Mathos: As if she would just let you?

Saan: You don't know how persuasive I am: I've never tried to fuck you."

"Saan (when Mathos starts preaching about the Lord of Light): The one true god is what's between a woman's legs, and better yet a queen's legs."
 * Also

"Saan (to Davos): You Westerosi are funny people, man chops off your fingers and you fall in love with him!"
 * Also

"Gendry: You know you shouldn't insult people who are bigger than you.
 * The whole argument between the 'lads' about whether having armour on makes a fight a battle and a man a knight. Here's a hint from Gendry; it doesn't in either case. How does he know. "Because I sold armour."
 * A lot of the dialogue between Arya and Gendry in "The Night Lands":

Arya: Then I wouldn't get to insult anyone."

"Gendry: I should be calling you milady!
 * Maisie Williams' utterly deadpan and despondent delivery of this line makes this scene hilarious.
 * Gendry is shocked to realize he's been pissing in front of a highborn lady.

Arya: Do not call me milady!

Gendry: As milady commands.

Arya: *shoves Gendry*

Gendry: Well, that was unladylike.

Arya: *pushes him to the ground*"

"Old Man in Lordsport: What you carrying?
 * Theon's expression, when he realises that sassy blonde he fingered on the way up to the castle is his SISTER. Just as darkly funny as it was in the book.
 * There's also something humorous about the fact that every inhabitant of Pyke that Theon meets either trolls him or treats him with utter disdain...yes, even the Iron Islands hates Theon.

Theon: Myrish oranges, wine from the Arbor and the heir to Pyke and the Iron Islands! (Old Man stares at him completely unimpressed) The only living son of Balon Greyjoy! (Old Man keeps staring) Me!

Old Man in Lordsport: Don't like wine, woman's drink."

"Balon (commenting on Theon's choice of attire): Was it Ned Stark's pleasure to make you his daughter?

Balon: I'll not have my son dressed as a whore!"

"Theon: I told you to wait outside! How'd you get past the guards?

Yara: Anything with a cock is easy to fool."

"Theon: She can't lead an attack!

Balon: And why not?

Theon (points at Yara/Asha): You're a woman!

Yara: You're the one in skirts."

"Slynt: Are you drunk? I'll not have my honor questioned by an Imp!
 * Tyrion, in a conversation with Lord Janos Slynt, implies that he's corrupt.

Tyrion: I'm not questioning your honor, Lord Janos. I'm denying its existence."

"Tyrion: ...cut off his manhood, and feed it to the goats.
 * Margaery revealing that she knows full well about Renly and her brother, and is even willing to let him share their bed if it helps Renly get her pregnant.
 * Plus, when she first offers herself, Renly's reaction is pretty much "Ew, boobs!"
 * And the moment before that when she came in, a clothed version of Ready for Lovemaking, and he compliments her dress. Talk about a Transparent Closet!
 * You half expect Renly to run out of the tent screaming about cooties.
 * Varys on being asked to keep a secret from Cersei: "I love conversations that begin this way."
 * Tyrion's subsequent hazing of the one revealed to be Cersei's snitch, . Tyrion and his henchmen are obviously having way too much fun tormenting the guy.


 * Wha-no, no, no!

Timett: There are no goats, halfman!

Tyrion: Well, make do!

Tyrion, Timett and Bronn: *snicker*"

"Bronn: Filthy old stoat. Almost hate to interrupt.
 * Tyrion leaving a second coin for the whore propels this scene to the top of this list.
 * Bronn reporting on :

Tyrion: No, you don't.

Bronn: ...No, I don't."

"Renly (referring to Stannis' new sigil of the Baratheon Stag in a flaming heart): "Whose banner is that?"
 * "HO! Get up, you lazy sons of whores! There's men outside that want to FUCK YOUR CORPSES!"
 * Davos and Stannis have a conversation discussing Davos' backstory, and Davos comments that because Stannis chopped off his fingertips, he now has four less finger nails. to clean. Stannis corrects Davos' grammar and tells him he means four fewer finger nails.
 * Tyrion blackmailing Lancel into spying on Cersei for him, then saying that he'll let Pycelle go as Lancel initially ordered as a complete afterthought. "I could say I hadn't harmed a single hair on his head, but that would not, strictly speaking, be true."
 * Renly snarking on Stannis throughout their parley. "Smoke and salt? Is he a ham?"

Stannis: "My own."

Renly (smiles): "I suppose if we used the same one the battle would be terribly confusing...Why's your stag on fire?""

"Joffrey: You can't talk to me like this! This king can do as he likes!
 * Two of Stafford Lannister's men playing "Who would kick whose ass" like a pair of fanboys.
 * A Mood Whiplash moment considering what happens next, but the part where Davos is rowing Melisandre into shore allows them to get some nice digs in at each other. "I am a kind of knight myself." "How nice for you."
 * Davos' face when Melisandre is birthing the shadow is also pretty hilarious.
 * Tyrion has a few excellent lines while calling out Joffrey and Ser Meryn for their brutal treatment of Sansa:

Tyrion: The Mad King did as he liked. Did your Uncle Jaime ever tell you what happened to him?

Ser Meryn: No man threatens the king in the presence of the kingsguard!

Tyrion: I am not threatening the king, I am educating my nephew. (To Bronn) Bronn, the next time Ser Meryn speaks, kill him. (To Meryn) That was a threat. See the difference?"

"Bronn: (regarding Joffrey) There's no cure for being a cunt."
 * And, naturally, Bronn's input afterward.

"Tywin: (to Polliver) This one's a girl, you idiot."
 * Tywin's unintentional Big Damn Heroes in the fourth episode of the season, largely for the utterly deadpan way he sees through and calls attention to Arya's disguise.

"Cersei: Always so clever, with your schemes and plots.
 * The "WTF?!" reactions by non-book readers on Twitter to what happened at the end of "Garden of Bones" with Melisandre giving birth to a shadow demon. Including comments like "Did she just give birth to Venom/Hexxus/the smoke monster from LOST?" and "Her vagina is 'dark and full of terrors'" and "Why did Game of Thrones end with the most vile queef I have ever seen?"
 * Carice van Houten's reply was equally hilarious.
 * Dany trying to convince Qarth's council to let her people into their city and mis-pronouncing it "Qwarth" and being politely corrected by their leader.
 * Especially as it's based on Qarth being one of the names that George RR Martin has received the most requests on how to pronounce.
 * Rickon endlessly smashing nuts on the table as Bran holds court. And note that this is the first time he appears in the season.
 * After Lancel tells Tyrion about Cersei's stockpile of wildfire, Tyrion screws with him a bit before lamenting that it's boring, then makes him ask Bronn to kill him if anything happens to Tyrion.
 * Another Tyrion moment, this exchange from his conversation with Cersei:

Tyrion: Schemes and plots are the same thing."

"Tyrion: We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!"
 * Tyrion's reaction upon finding out from Bronn that the "Demon Monkey" controlling Joffrey the people are talking about is in fact him.
 * Two of the Dothraki casually discussing the best way to loot Xaro's palace, while Jorah just looks like he'd like to watch. And Dany's reaction, which can be summed up as "No! No stealing!"
 * While we are at Dany's entourage, her two handmaidens obviously fighting over her attention and approval.
 * Jorah wearing a bright blue ascot/scarf underneath the dirty shirt he's worn since the first episode. It looks like the sort of thing he had to be coaxed into wearing.
 * Dolorous Edd's ever-growing annoyance with Sam. "Before I die, please stop talking."
 * Jon's growing exasperation with Ygritte, not to mention her grinding against him, just to screw with his head.
 * Ygritte providing Jon Snow with the words that will eventually be his new Great House's motto: "You're brave. Stupid, but brave."
 * Jaqen H'Gar letting his emotionless front drop with an exasperated sigh when Arya insists he kill Amory Lorch immediately.
 * It's also almost dark slapstick, when Lorch slams the door of Tywin's chamber open to inform his lord of Arya's crime, only to drop dead on the spot without saying a word.
 * The shift on Tywin's face from surprise to annoyance as he calls for the guards. He seems less concerned with the fact that one of his officers got assassinated and more that he has to find another idiot to replace him.
 * Yet again, Joffery gets Imp-slapped.

"Robb: I've missed you.
 * When Theon storms into Bran's room and tells him to surrender Winterfell, and Bran's casual "No I won't." response. Just the look on Theon's face when he says that is priceless. He invaded Bran's castle with an army and is standing in the crippled boy's room with armed soldiers and he still doesn't get any respect. He has to sit down on the bed like an annoyed older brother and cajole Bran into surrendering the castle. Very few people can remain such total losers even when heading up a conquering army, but Theon is a very special case.
 * There's something hilarious about the look on Theon's face when  The combination of the wide eyes and the way he's still chewing on the apple makes him look surprisingly goofy considering the situation.
 * Robb watching Talisa walk away and being caught by Catelyn (who has a hilarious knowing smirk).

Catelyn: Yes, you looked practically forlorn."

"Ygritte: Do you have sheep at the Wall? ...With your hands then? No wonder you're all so miserable...."
 * The scene where Sansa is about to be raped goes from absolute, teeth-clenching horror to pitch-black humor the moment Sandor Clegane arrives. Specifically the moment he grabs the leader of the thugs and lifts him up, and the expression on the guy's face as he realizes he's face-to-face with a none-too-happy Hound invokes the kind of dark "Heh, that guy is so screwed" sense of schadenfreude.
 * Shortly before that, the moment where the rioters tear apart the fat priest comes so unexpectedly and is so over the top it just ends up being funny, not to mention comparisons to a Zombie Apocalypse.
 * The Spice King constantly taking the wind out of Dany's sails as he refuses her his ships.
 * Jon's horror on waking up in a certain position with Ygritte - which she then proceeds to milk for every single bit it's worth.
 * Pretty much every scene with Jon and Ygritte. She needles that vow of celibacy relentlessly.

"Ygritte: I swear it old Master King Crow sir! We were only close together for warmth, and then I felt it! Right up against me backside like a club! I can show you the bruise on me tailbone. And before I knew what was where his...his.. Well it was all out in the open all angry as you like and I didn't want to want it, but ohh-h! I did! And he spread me legs and... ruined! The shame of it! Now I can never marry a perfumed lord! What will me poor savage father say?
 * Her threatening to lie about Jon breaking his vow is epic and hilarious:

Jon Snow: Turn back around.

Ygritte: And I thought we were done but he said:(deep voice)"Turn back around.""

"Arya: Most girls are idiots."
 * Best part about the whole thing is the expression on Jon's face. He's caught somewhere between being embarrassed, laughing, and pissed off, and doesn't know how he should feel while she's mocking him.
 * Theon tries to keep up his leader act by punching one of his men who talks back to him. The man goes down, but Theon's hand doesn't fare much better.
 * Luwin then snarks at him while they're trying to hunt down Bran and Rickon, pointing out that "So far, hunting seems little different from riding". Having remained a complete loser in front of a crippled boy in the last episode, Theon now has to endure helpless old men snarking at him, despite holding all the cards both times.
 * When Tywin tells Arya the story of how Aegon Targaeryn and his dragon burned Harrenhall and it's king she reminds him that his two sisters also were responsible and proceeds to name them, the dragons they rode and their swords. An impressed Tywin tells her most girls prefer to be like the pretty maidens of songs with flowers in their hair. True to form, Arya retorts without missing a beat...

""Is that a woman?""
 * You know you've dropped a good one when you manage to make Tywin bark out a laugh.
 * Jaime's endless river of snark, intermixed with his biting assessment of Catelyn. Especially his reaction to Brienne.

"Cersei: We have strong high walls. We'll rain fire down on them from above.
 * Even better, her presence seems to confuse him so much he interrupts one of his speeches to ask about her again.
 * This little bit when Cersei and Tyrion discuss how they plan to defend King's Landing from Stannis Baratheon's forces:

Tyrion "Rain fire on them from above?" You're quoting father aren't you?

Cersei: And why not? He's a good mind for strategy doesn't he?

Tyrion: (Sotto-voce: Call it tactics, not strategy), but yes, he does have a good mind for it!"

"Varys: If Stannis does land at the Mud Gate, what can we do to stop him?
 * Jaime and Brienne's entire interaction, with Jaime constantly needling Brienne and her constantly verbally slapping him down (and also taking the oppurtunity to force him to his knees for the 'horses' comment as well as the need to hide.)
 * "Are you the dumbest cunt alive?" Why, yes, Yara. Yes, Theon is.
 * Yara mocking Theon by wondering who gave him the tougher fight: ?
 * And this is after she arrived at Winterfell by riding a circle around him, having her men totally ignore him, and start scoffing down his food without, apparently, any sort of greeting or invitation.
 * Tyrion, Bronn and Varys planning how to combat Stannis' forces. Well, Tyrion's trying to; Bronn and Varys aren't exactly helping. They do give us some great quips, though.
 * Specifically, Bronn just wants to clean his nails, much to Tyrion's frustration. And when Tyrion asks him to wear the goldcloak, Bronn argues it incessantly until Tyrion gives up. Then, when Varys arrives, he goes right back to picking his nails.
 * Also, even Tyrion can't pronounce all of George R.R. Martin's elaborate names!
 * Also:

Bronn: We can throw books at him.

Varys: We don't have that many books.

Bronn: We don't have that many men either."

"Varys: "Given the circumstances, my lord, I believe extreme measures are warranted.""
 * And again, when Bronn explains his reasons for killing all the known thieves in King's Landing:

"Tyrion: Imagine Stannis's terror.
 * After Joffrey boasts that he'll kill Stannis:

Varys: I am trying."

"Tyrion: "The Lord of Light his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where's the god of tits and wine?"
 * This is after Joffrey has declared that "now is the time to strike", and Tyrion is trying to politely get him to understand that they are in fact preparing for a siege, as evidenced by all the men around them loading catapults and shoring up the walls.
 * Incidentally, if you look closely, you see Lord Varys himself struggling not to laugh as Tyrion makes those sarcastic comments to Joffrey.
 * An insightful discussion on theology in Westeros:

Varys: "On the Summer Isles they worship a fertility goddess with sixteen teats."

Tyrion: "We should sail there immediately.""

"Cersei: "He has no cock."
 * Cersei explaining what makes Varys so dangerous:

Tyrion: "Neither do you.""

"Stannis: "You slipped right through in your little black-sailed boat with your onions."
 * Stannis recounting how when Davos got through the siege at Storm's End with food:

Davos: "And potatoes, and some salted beef, I believe."

Stannis: "Every man on Storm's End wanted to kiss you that night."

Davos: "I was relieved they did not.""

"Jaqen: "A man has patrol duty.""
 * When Arya sees Jaqen after failing to get him to kill Tywin and furiously asks him where he's been:

"Jaqen: A girl lacks honor.
 * The above exchange leads to:
 * The above exchange leads to:

Arya shrugs as if to say "Yeah, so?""

"Sansa: I pray for your safe return.
 * Tyrion's understated "Oh, fuck me" when he sees the men he's just defeated aren't nearly as much of the enemy army as they appeared.
 * "Any man dies with a clean sword, and I'll rape his corpse!"
 * "Any of those flaming fucking arrows come near me, and I'll strangle you with your own guts."
 * Sansa's entire pre-battle exchange with Joffrey, doubling as a Crowning Moment of Awesome as she tries to goad Joffrey into fighting in the much more dangerous vanguard position by saying that of course he'll ride in the vanguard, since Robb does and he's "not even a real king." Joffrey can only call her a stupid girl.
 * And her earlier conversation with the much smarter Tyrion, in which she subtly lets him know exactly what she thinks of the Lannisters.

Tyrion: (pleased) Do you?

Sansa: Yes. Just as I pray for our king."

""I chopped wood once. No, wait, I watched my brother chop wood.""
 * As they're preparing for the battle, Bronn asks Tyrion if he knows how to use the ax he's armed himself with. Tyrion's response?

"Bronn: Oh, are we friends?
 * Shortly after, a moment that manages to be both funny and heartwarming, as Tyrion calls Bronn his friend.

Tyrion: Of course! The fact that I pay you doesn't diminish our friendship!

Bronn: Rather enhances it, I think.

Tyrion: Ooh, 'enhances'. Fancy words from a sellsword!

Bronn: I've been livin' with fancy folk."

"Lancel: (to the Hound) Sir, the Hand would like me to inform you, to inform the king-"
 * The exchange between Joffrey and Tyrion on the ramparts just prior to the battle, where they pass comments and insults to each other via the Hound and Lancel.

"Varys: Always hated the bells. They ring for horror. A dead king. A city under siege.
 * Varys seems to top himself each episode.

Tyrion: A wedding.

Varys: Exactly."

""More wine.""
 * The glorious bitchiness of drunk Cersei.

"Cersei: Jaime was taught to fight with sword and lance and mace and I was taught to smile and sing and please. He was heir to Casterly Rock and I was sold to some stranger like a horse to be ridden whenever he desired.
 * The way she delivers the line: "I'm afraid these fine ladies are in for a bit of a rape". Pitch-black humor at its finest.
 * Drunk Cersei complaining bitterly about how when she and Jaime we're young not even their father could tell them apart but we're still treated differently as they got older.

Sansa: You were Robert's queen!

Cersei: And you will be Joffrey's. Enjoy."

"Joffrey: I could tell the Hound to cut you in half!
 * Tyrion's quips to Joffrey:

Tyrion: That would make me a quarter-man. Just doesn't have the same ring to it."

"Tyrion: Those are brave men knocking on our door. Let's go kill them!"
 * Tyrion's inspirational speech to rally his men before taking the fight to Stannis.

""Thought he would never shut up."
 * Tyrion waddling onto the screen and hacking a man's leg off with an axe and killing him is darkly humourous.
 * Theon's speech as a whole as he tries, once more, to be pretty awesome and just falls flat. Not necessarily because the speech itself wasn't completely kickass, but right at the end, when

"It was a good speech. I didn't want to interrupt him.""

"Theon: (in the middle of giving a Rousing Speech) AND WHOEVER KILLS THAT FUCKING HORNBLOWER WILL STAND IN BRONZE ABOVE THE SHORES OF PYKE!"
 * Theon's ridiculous face as he does his battle cry. Looks like pure Narm is inbound, but then... THUNK.
 * Tywin's horse taking a dump in the Red Keep.
 * Varys' "Bitch, please" look when Ros feels between his legs.
 * Everything involving Theon and the Bolton hornblower in the season two finale.


 * It turns out, the Dothraki actually can carry that golden peacock statue out.
 * Jaime is completely gobsmacked at Brienne's swift massacre of the rapists - and he even partakes in a Quizzical Tilt as she finishes off the last one.