Heroic Armies Marching



H.A.M (Heroic Armies Marching) is a combination Card Game and Turn-Based Strategy game. The underlying concept is that each card is either a handful of units to be placed upon the game grid, or a spell for messing around with the battle. The game is full of satirical fantasy elements. Dire sloths are pitted against omnipotent space bats, man-eating demons against Eldritch Horrors. The game is rather simple, with an AI mode, a two-player mode, and a tutorial.

Takes Rule of Cool and Rule of Funny and makes a fantasy world out of it.

Play it here.


 * Abnormal Ammo: The Dragon-born Brute has a mini-gun that fires depleted unicorn horns.
 * Advanced Ancient Acropolis: The Armadillokin were implied to have one, before they went extinct.
 * American and Commonwealth Spellings: Both are used; "color" and "flavour" can both be seen.
 * Art Evolution: From the original version.
 * Most notably the terrain.
 * Asteroids Monster: Twin Burgers turn into 2 Baby Burgers on death.
 * Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: Arachne, who is pretty much a giant spidertaur.
 * Zar'gletords.
 * Badass Princess: The Ausalian Queen, capable of taking down huge demons, and breaking down walls with nothing more than her bare hands. And robot legs too, I guess.
 * Bare-Fisted Monk: See Badass Princess.
 * Batter Up: Duckkin Enforcers.
 * Black Mage: Pretty much every spellcaster, the Mad Wizard most notably.
 * Breath Weapon: The Arachnelisk is capable of spewing webs from it's mouth.
 * BFG: The Dragonborn Brute has a magical mini-gun.
 * BFS: Zargletords sword is larger than the most units.
 * Bullet Hell: The Hamsterkin Rocket Trooper is able to attack in the form of gyrorockets that can slowly cover the entire board.
 * The SS Armageddon is able to summon twice as many gyrorockets, and is still able to attack afterwards!
 * Canada, Eh?: One of the possible flags in the background of the Mercenary's card is a Canadian Flag.
 * Cast From Hit Points: The Mad Wizard takes 1 damage (in the form of an explosion) every time it attacks.
 * The Fleep is able to heavily damage itself to permanently increase it's attack and counterattack significantly.
 * Combat Medic: Dragonborn healers have petitioned to be renamed Dragonborn mages.
 * Covers Always Lie: The DJ Spew's card image.
 * The total attack power of all the units attacking Booger on his card equal 10, meaning Booger should be dead.
 * Crippling Overspecialization: Artillery cannot move and attack in the same turn. This sounds like it wouldn't be much of a problem, but it can let the enemy take it's time to take your guy out!
 * Having a deck made up of cards with special abilities sounds good, although it can seriously hamper you if you need to sacrifice a unit for the greater good, and you have no mooks!
 * Dead Baby Comedy: Goblin Babies.
 * Death of a Thousand Cuts: Flesh Guards take a fixed amount of extra damage from direct attacks, making this a viable strategy for taking them out with ease.
 * Dual Boss: The Heroes card is the only unique card in the game so far that gives you more than one unit.
 * Eldritch Abomination: Zorspoink, the Non-Euclidean Bat. He created the world and is also a bit of a jerk. His card and in-game sprite is the only one that is animated.
 * Emphasize Everything: THE BEAST
 * Enemy Summoner: Mommma Burger, SS Armageddon, Hamsterkin Rocket Trooper, and Oozinite.
 * Instant Awesome, Just Add Dragons: The Dragonborn Update, which at the time it came out, made the dragonborn have more cards than any other race.
 * Fragile Speedster: Circus Midgets. Baby Burgers have even less health, but are slower.
 * Genius Bruiser: Hamsterkin Brutes use Awesome By Analysis in conjunction with massive wrenches for maximum damage! They also use their intelligence to organize their diets and exercise routines, to get strong in the first place.
 * Glass Cannon: THE BEAST, a card that deals huge amounts of damage and counterattack, but only has 4 health.
 * Golem: Fish Golems, Mana Golems, Shit Golems
 * Humongous Mecha: The SS Armageddon.
 * Its Pronounced Tropay: Zar'gletords is pronounced without the "ds".
 * Mispronouncing his name is even a Berserk Button of his!
 * Lightning Bruiser: The Ausalian Queen.
 * Living Shadow: The Shadow Stalker, which cannot take damage, but must be behind an allied unit for it to attack or even live.
 * Magic Knight: The Daeva Spellblade
 * Mighty Glacier: Zar'Gletords. He can't move and attack in the same turn, and has no counterattack, but he attacks with a BFS that reaches 3 squares away, dealing massive damage to all in his path. He also has lots of health.
 * The Oozinite qualifies. It is capable of attacking in any direction, however, attacking creates a wall of mini-oozes around it, preventing it from moving.
 * Steamroll Manfuckers, and, moreso, Elder Manfuckers.
 * The Minion Master: Momma Burgers. They can barely fight, and while they have decent health, you put an enemy unit in front of it and it's history. However, with the ability to spam 2 baby burgers per turn, it can be a huge threat.
 * Monster Allies: You can make decks with whichever cards you want. It's not like making a deck that focuses on a single race is advantageous or anything.
 * More Dakka: The S.S.Armageddon
 * To a lesser extent, the Dragonborn Brute
 * Multi-Armed and Dangerous: Arachne Cultists, as well as Arachne herself.
 * Mook: Soldiers
 * Slave Mook: Goblins
 * Names to Run Away From Really Fast: Steamroll Manfuckers
 * Non-Ironic Clown: Circus Midgets, and by extension, Circus Cavalry.
 * Our Goblins Are Wickeder: Goblins in this world are incredibly stupid and are also weaker than an infant. Speaking of which, Goblin Babies are units that can be summoned in groups of 10 for 4 gold. They are described as so weak, their skin peels off like wet paper. Do note that the card image features a goblin baby caving it's own head in with a rattler.
 * Our Demons Are Different: While Minor and Wild demons play it straight, Major demons can be good-aligned, and are made more powerful by faith.
 * Precision F-Strike: Steamroll Manfucker.
 * The Rock Star: Dragonborn bard.
 * Royals Who Actually Do Something: The Ausalian Queen.
 * Running Gag: All horses have incredibly silly facial expressions, save for the circus cavalry.
 * Shirtless Scene: Orcs
 * Shout-Out: Several
 * The Cavalry Mages are "Powered by the Magic of Friendship". Red Team's cavalry mage is colored like Fluttershy, while Blue Team's mage looks like Rainbow Dash.
 * The Hamsterkin Saboteur sure looks a lot like the Team Fortress 2 Demoman...
 * The Batkin Vigilante's enemies include Clowns and Scarecrows.
 * The Burger enemies are all named after burgers in the A&W chain.
 * The Hulk is fairly obvious.
 * The Dragonborn Warlord is pretty much Barney
 * Squishy Wizard: Daeva Mages.
 * Subverted by Daeva Celestials and Mad Wizards, though.
 * Stock Dinosaurs: T.Rex is the only dinosaur in the game... so far.
 * Stock Monsters: Subverted. The game currently lacks slimes, rats, AND giant spiders.
 * Do Trolls and Minotaurs count?
 * Goblins definately count.
 * Real animals, humans apekin, the undead, and golems are this. The Oozinite subverts the "slimes are weak" trend, although its mini-oozes don't. Arachnelisks are part giant spider.
 * Stone Wall: The Dire Sloth.
 * Summon Bigger Fish: Bigger Frog, which always has more health than the unit on the field with the most health.
 * Summon Magic: The Summon Zombie and Summon Mana Golem spells.
 * Super Strength: The Snakekin Race have enhanced strength, equal to that of their tails. As anyone who has ever had a snake would know, snake tails are muscular!
 * Uplifted Animal: Ossington the Walrus, a factoid spouting critter on the main page.
 * Video Game Cruelty Potential: Using Goblin Babies in battle
 * Don't forget Circus Midgets
 * Baby burgers probably qualify
 * Weaksauce Weakness: Snakekin can't move if their tails are subjected to extreme temperatures, as they are cold-blooded from the waist down.
 * The Wiki Rule: The Second Realm Wiki.
 * Horribly outdated though.
 * A Wizard Did It: Chimaeras
 * Wrench Wench: The Hamsterkin Rockettrooper.
 * Zerg Rush: Baby Burgers can move the turn they are placed.
 * Goblin Babies could qualify due to the sheer number you get, but they are slow moving.
 * Zombie Apocalypse: One of the AI decks features only zombies.
 * Zombie Apocalypse: One of the AI decks features only zombies.