Even Evil Has Standards/Quotes

""Even for me, this is really fucked up!""

- Doctor Insano, The Spoony Experiment

"John Mclane: There never was a bomb [in a school], was there?

Simon Gruber: Of course not. I'm a soldier, not a monster...even though I sometimes work for monsters."

- Die Hard With A Vengenance

""They're vile little creatures who would step on their mother's head to have a hit.""

- The famously frugal and forgiving Simon Cowell on Jedward.

""I know we're supposed to be bad guys...but I can't let those cute little creatures get hurt!""

- Jessie, upon seeing a herd of Mareep being attacked, Pokémon

"Senator Powell: (After haranguing Dragon about the violence and sexual content in his movies) You have a young daughter, named Georgia, who is about 10 years old. Has little Georgia seen your film entitled "Ripcord", which contains 357 acts of violence, 175 profanities, and 4 scenes of lesbian sex? She proud of her daddy for that one?! How can you look that sweet little girl in the eye?

Peter Dragon: I manage. I never voted to subsidize the growing of tobacco, while turning my back on food programs for starving kids. I've never vetoed a gun control bill. All my guns are fake, Senator! I've never rushed to the defense of Kuwaiti oil fields, while ignoring genocide in Africa, because big oil companies that line your fat pockets aren't concerned with black Africa. Those are all productions of your company Senator, this company right here!"

- Action

"[One of the Dollhouse's clients is in a coma, and Topher has been charged with repairing his brain.]

DeWitt: Good news on the coma front?

Topher: Uuuhhhhhhh...yeah. Good news is that he's in a coma.

DeWitt: I beg your pardon?

Boyd: Just show her what you showed me.

Topher:' [shows DeWitt a brain scan] This is a brain. A healthy brain. Frankly, an...overly smart brain...it's my brain. And this is Terry Karrens' brain. [shows DeWitt another brain scan] See these dark areas? How they extend all the way out to here? You know why that looks like that? That's because Terry Karrens doesn't use that part of his brain. And that'd be where you find stored such things as empathy, compassion...an aversion to disemboweling puppies. Basically, this is what some of your more famous serial killers' brains look like.

DeWitt: You are quite certain of this?

Topher: Certain enough so that I have serious ethical problems with trying to wake him up.

Langton: Topher has ethical problems...Topher!

Topher: Heh. Way to land it."

- Dollhouse

""You just don't shoot a guy in the dick!""

- Eric Cartman, one of the most evil people, ever, South Park

""I despise rapists. For me, you're somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you're really thirsty.""

- Cyrus the Virus, Con Air

""Grandfather may be evil, which I admire, but he's also a jerk!""

- Father, Codename Kids Next Door: Operation Z.E.R.O.

""Private Josef Grigorovich. (smash) Abandoning your assigned post. (smash) Drawing a weapon on a superior officer. (smash) Resisting justice. (smash) Sexual assault on a prisoner of war. Uniform Code of Brotherhood Justice Section Two, Line Twenty-Seven. 'Any form of sexual assault of any kind by a member of the Brotherhood is considered a Class One Offense against the Messiah, punishable by summary execution.'" (throws him out a third-story window)"

- Brother-Captain Allen, Black Hand Officer, Tiberium Wars

""...Creator/JMichaelStraczynski wrote a comic book explaining the WTC tragedy from superheroes' perspective. And in it, Dr. Doom cried. Yes, the evil mastermind who shot the Fantastic Four's building into space and who contributes to 80 percent of the world's daily robodeath ... he was really broken up by this slight variation of his every waking moment.""

- Seanbaby

""Feelins? Look mate, you know what has a lot of feelins? Blokes what bludgeon their wife to death with a golf trophy. Professionals have standards: Be polite, be efficient, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.""

- The Sniper, Team Fortress 2

""I'm a bastard, but I'm not a fucking bastard.""

- Seth Gecko, From Dusk Till Dawn

""I stole this accordion from a blind monkey! But YOU! You disgust even me!""

- The Simpsons

""I may be a criminal lunatic, but I'm an American criminal lunatic!""

- The Joker, upon finding out the Red Skull is a genuine Nazi.

""That was the most f__ed up thing I've ever seen, and I'm a Death God!""

- Ryuk, Death Note Abridged

""I should kill you right now! You're a goddamn embarrassment to this family, and you WILL apologize to Sando-san for this!""

- Yoshida to Chaka, Black Lagoon

""I dare do all that becomes a man; Who dares more is none.""

- Macbeth, Macbeth

""The other Princes don't like him that much. I mean, even Malacath is more popular at parties, and Malacath is not popular at parties.""

- Sheogorath describing Jyggaleg, The Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion

""I am evil, but I am not cruel to animals. There's a special Hell reserved for those who are.""

- The demon Azzie, Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming

""And what really bothers me is [that] you pretend that you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it.""

- Quagmire to Brian, as part of a long-winded The Reason You Suck Speech, Family Guy

""I'll never kick dogs, I'll never hurt a child, I'll never slap a woman - three things I won't do on film.""

- Lee Van Cleef describing his stipulations about playing villains. He is dead serious too

""Gilt and Vetinari shared a look. It said: While I loathe you and every aspect of your personal philosophy to a depth unplummable by any line, I'll credit you at least with not being Crispin Horsefry.""

- Terry Pratchett, Going Postal

""Some things sicken even jackals.""

- Terry Pratchett again, Witches Abroad

""I'm a thief," he said, "just like you are. We don't fuck kids."

"I know that," I said.

"Some of our guys, they're a little crazy. Like B.T. He'd stab a nigger just to stay in practice, you know?"

"I know."

"But none of us would do little kids.""

- Neo-Nazi leader to Burke, Strega

""Compared to the mighty and their simple "pure hearts", the world's villains are much more humane. Scum rule the world and give birth to more scum. Don't they know that? We may mean to do harm, but we're sort of cute by comparison, aren't we, Killer?""

- Eustass Kidd, One Piece

""Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!""

- Jesus, The Bible, Matthew 7:9-11 (New International Version)

""You...are hideous.""

- Solf J. Kimbley to Pride, Fullmetal Alchemist

""Ugly. Aah, how ugly is a woman drowning in lust. . .! This is this woman's true nature!! Even I, as a witch who has explored the depths of evil, find this most difficult to watch!!""

- Beatrice being disgusted by Rosa Ushiromiya verbally attacking her own daughter, Umineko no Naku Koro Ni

"White Mage: There is no point in denying it any longer. I am White Mage, a destroyer of worlds!

Black Mage: That is so hot. My girlfriend is an armageddon factory.

White Mage: Whoah, buck-o. I may be coming to terms with the idea that I'm locked into a lifetime of spreading pain and death across the world, but I still have some standards."

- 8-Bit Theater

""Like many people with no actual morals, Lord Downey did have standards, and Teatime repelled him.""

- Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

""We're doctors in the field of robotics. Arson is a little beneath us, don't you think?""

- Dr. Wily, Two Evil Scientists

""Artemis Fowl did not like whalers. There were less objectionable ways to obtain oil by-products.""

- Artemis Fowl

"Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but how could you trade Spongebob for 62 cents?!

Mr. Krabs: You think I could’ve gotten more?

Squidward: He stuck up for you and you sold him out, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!"

- SpongeBob SquarePants

""I've never been known for my refined tastes, but you sicken even me.""

- Inu-Yasha, Inuyasha

""That's messed up, Sarda.""

- Black Mage, Eight Bit Theater

""Stan, these people are monsters. You know what my country has done, and I'm disgusted.""

- Klaus, after hearing why Francine's parents had to give her up, American Dad,

""I have seen planes leveled and all life rendered to dust. It brought no pleasure, even to a heart as dark as mine.""

- Sorin Markov on Day of Judgment Flavor Text, Magic the Gathering

""They may all look the same to you, but there are different kinds and different levels of evil. A first-class villain doesn't target honest lives."

"Fine, now is a good time to teach you something: even villains have standards!""

- Accelerator, To Aru Majutsu no Index

""I am The God Of War. The God Of Slaughter. Even The God Of Murder. But I am NOT the god of sadism!""

- Ares, Dark Avengers: Ares #3

"Ultra-Humanite: You'll be happy to know, Flash, that your words - jejune though they were - did not fall on deaf ears. I appreciate the sentiment behind them and therefore call a truce in honour of the season.

The Flash: Seriously?

Ultra-Humanite: You'll have the toy to give to your young friends. I'm improving it, too.

The Flash: ...It's not gonna blow up or anything?

Ultra-Humanite: Flash. It is Christmas."

- Justice League, "Comfort and Joy"

"(Bender enters, holding his young son in his arms)

Bender: Here you go! (dropkicks son into pool of lava)

Robot Devil: (aghast) Wow...that was pretty brutal, even by my standards.

Bender: No backsies!"

- Futurama, "The Beast with a Billion Backs"

""The Ku Klux Klan, LLC. has not or EVER will have ANY connection with The "Westboro Baptist Church". We absolutely repudiate their tactics.""

- Press release from the Ku Klux Klan's website, circa September 2003

""231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.""

- Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG

""I had my dog in one of those kennel carrier things, you know those boxes...they made me take the dog out of the carrier, so they could inspect it for explosives. Who bombs a f**king puppy? Really, who does that? Bin Laden would be like, 'You're a dick, dude. I can't believe you -- that's too far.'""

- John Caparulo

"There's nothing too embarrassing

I'll honestly do anything

But wear white after Labor Day

'Cause baby, I perform this way!"

- Weird Al Yankovic in his parody of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way"

""I thought your uninformed outrage would be useful in my eternal struggle to avoid taxation! I didn't realize you were a nihilistic moron willing to crash the entire economy!""

- Plutocrat Pete to Tea Party Tim, on his plan to force the government to default to control spending, This Modern World

""I haven't found one single explanation of what Horcruxes do! Not a single one! I've been right through the restricted section and even in the most horrible books, where they tell you how to brew the most gruesome potions -nothing! All I could find was this, in the introduction to "Magick Moste Evile". Listen — "Of the Horcrux, wickedest of magical inventions, we shall not speak nor give direction." I mean, why mention it, then?""

- The Hogwarts library fails Hermione for the first time.

""This isn't Wall Street, this is HELL! We have a little something called integrity!""

- Crowley, Supernatural

""I may be evil, but at least I'm not full of crap!""

- Dr. Insano

""Hey, Norman Bates called; he said you're really kind of a weirdo!""

- Linkara on the protagonist of the Lady Gaga comic, Atop the Fourth Wall

"Don't download this song

Even Lars Ulrich knows it's wrong! (You can just ask him!)"

- Weird Al Yankovic, "Don't Download This Song"

"Brock: (sighing with disgust) This is just wrong, man, even for you. Look at her!

Dr. Venture: I have watched you pull a man's eyes from his head and make him dance like a marionette with his own optic nerves!

Brock: At least I didn’t break his heart.

Dr. Venture: ...You don’t know that."

- The Venture Brothers. The speakers are "good" guys.

""FUCK Marlo, man, FUCK him! And anybody that thinks it's alright to do people this way!""

- Preston "Bodie" Broadus, The Wire

""I have few principles, but I stick to them.""

- Black Hat Guy, Xkcd

""Nothing stokes my ire like a cheater. Deception, duplicity, murder -- these are merely tools in a toolbox one can use to ensure a job done well. But cheating? I cannot even wrap my head around the point of it. Wouldn't you know you had cheated? How on Earth could you maintain crisp certainty of your superiority to all others? And if you're unable to do that, what's the point of anything?""

- The Administrator, Team Fortress 2's Official Blog

""What kind of monster have I created? No matter how evil you become, you never strike a child. I mean sure, you make them do a few million sit-ups or else there won't be supper, but you never ever hit them.""

- "Sunshine", Ultimate Muscle

""I'll kill a man in a fair fight... or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight. Or if he bothers me. Or if there's a woman. Or if I'm gettin' paid. Mostly when I'm gettin' paid. But eating people? Where's that get fun?""

- Jayne, Serenity

""Wow...there's a level of pointless violence that offends even me when it's crossed. Live and learn, I guess...""

- Magus, Captain SNES