Conan the Barbarian/Funny

Stories
""Did I tell the Stygian to fall in love with me? After all, she was only human!""
 * In 'Rogues in the House': While the house's Evil Genius is about to activate a trap on one of Conan's buddies,
 * Another one in 'Rogues in the House' is the manner in how Conan is ultimately caught by the guards. He flees from them while drunk, and runs into the door frame so hard, he knocks himself out!
 * And again in "Rogues in the House," after breaking out of jail, he comes to take his revenge on the girl who betrayed him to the guards. He doesn't kill her, just drops her "with great accuracy" into a cesspool, and spends a few moments enjoying her floundering and cursing in a pool of liquefied crap. (Given that she's cursing rather than screaming, she plainly has no fear of drowning at that point.)
 * Conan's comment at the end of "The Slithering Shadow," when his Girl of the Story says the trouble was his fault for looking so long and admiringly at a Stygian woman who then decided to Murder the Hypotenuse:


 * The scene in Black Colossus after Princess Yasmela decides to put Conan in charge of her army. She summons the nobles to her, gives a speech about how she's chosen who will lead her armies, and pulls back a curtain to reveal Conan lounging in a chair, feet kicked up on the table, and gnawing on a joint of beef.

Movies

 * When he got wasted and bumped into a camel, and than just turns around and knocks it out with one punch to the face.
 * Immediately after an epic montage of Conan and his gang becoming legendary outlaws, Conan passes out drunk into his oatmeal.
 * Thulsa Doom asks why Conan hates him so much, to which Conan gives a passionate speech about how Doom destroyed his village. Doom replies with a bone-dry "Ah," with James Earl Jones perfectly communicating in just one syllable "Yeah, you kind of have a point there."
 * "A fine magician you are! Go back to juggling apples"
 * "What does it matter who's brother's sister's cousin it is!? What differance does it make!?"
 * In the 2011 film, the female lead Tamara keeps talking about how Conan is going to take her wherever she wants until he finally gags her. In one gesture, Conan reminds us that being civilized doesn't mean you can just talk however you want to whoever.
 * Conan emerges from the Atlantean tomb with his new Cool Sword, and the wolves that were chasing him look up expectantly. Cut to Conan dressed in wolfskins.

Comics

 * In one of the later Savage Sword of Conan stories, Conan's pirate crew has been captured and taken prisoner at a port city in Kush. When taken to the royal court, he notices the queen "giving him the eye." Conan is later tossed in a cell with the demon Imhotep, a former ally who has been enchanted to resemble a human. He remarks to the demon when the guards appear outside that they have likely arrived to take Conan to the queen's chambers, and if he manages to escape, he "may" come back to free the demon. It then turns out that the guards are there for Imhotep, who is the queen's lover. As Imhotep is being escorted out, he turns to Conan and tells Conan not to worry, "as I may come back for you."