Homestuck/Timeline

> ATTEMPT TO MAKE LINEAR SENSE OF MIND-BENDING CHRONOLOGY

Sweet Troll Jegus, how can one series incorporate so much Weird Time Shit? Organizing this temporal clusterfuck is going to be one of the most troublesome, time-consuming, headache-inducing tasks you have ever undertaken. You will nonetheless waste countless hours on this pointless tomfoolery.

Due to rampant Time Travel Tropes, this page has been organized into multiple timelines. It's difficult, if not impossible, to say which timeline is "first", so their order is essentially arbitrary with respect to one another Events within the timelines do not always have a specific timestamp associated with them, but are listed in chronological order as best as possible. Indented events are likewise in chronological order, elaborating upon the chain of events taking place during a specific span of time. A few further notes on terms as well should be clarified:
 * Beta and Alpha are used sometimes to refer to the Pre and Post Scratch Human Sessions respectively and are not to be confused with beta, or offshoot timelines, which deviate from the alpha, or main, timeline. Due to the confusion this causes, they should be referred to as Pre and Post Scratch, or B1 and B2, explained below.
 * Canonically, the four known sessions / universes that are the result of the interwoven efforts of the trolls and humans are known as A1, A2, B1, and B2, in the order they occur (Pre-Scratch Troll -> Post-Scratch Troll -> Pre-Scratch Human -> Post-Scratch Human)

Earth

 * Dawn of time: The trolls' Genesis Frog grows into the kids' universe.
 * April 13, 413,000,000 B.C.E.: The meteor containing the Frog Temple lands near a volcano in what will become the Pacific Ocean, bringing Becquerel and the Lotus time capsule.
 * April 10, 1910: The future Nanna Egbert lands, and is adopted by Colonel Sassacre.
 * April 21, 1910: The future Grandpa Harley lands, and accidentally kills Colonel Sassacre with his flintlock pistols.
 * April 21, 1923: The future Grandpa Harley and Halley leave the future Nanna Egbert for a life of adventure.
 * An ectobiological sample of Halley is taken to create Bec.
 * ???? ??, ????: A number of events occur at unknown points
 * Betty Crocker disappears, leaving Grandpa Harley in control of her business empire.
 * The future Bro Strider and the future Mom Lalonde land.
 * Halley dies.
 * Grandpa Harley becomes a world renowned businessman, adventurer, and scientist.
 * Nanna marries Mr. Egbert and gives birth to Dad. Mr. Egbert later passes away.
 * Grandpa Harley somehow finds his way into the future and enters the Medium, steals Jack Noir's Fourth Wall (among other shenanigans), and later leaves in an unknown manner with Jade's taxidermied dreamself in tow.
 * December 1, 1995: Jade lands with the bunny gifted to her by John, destroying a Betty Crocker factory. She is adopted by Grandpa Harley
 * An ectobiological sample of Nanna Egbert is taken by John in the Medium.
 * December 3, 1995: The Harleys move to the abandoned Pacific island that is the home of the Frog Temple.
 * Dave lands, killing Maplehoof.
 * An ectobiological sample of Grandpa Harley is taken by John in the Medium.
 * December 4, 1995: Dave is discovered and adopted by Bro Strider.
 * Rose lands with the bunny gifted to her by John. Mom Lalonde discovers and adopts her afterwards.
 * An ectobiological sample of Bro Strider is taken by John in Medium.
 * April 13, 1996: John lands with his Sassacre tome, destroying the Egbert's family joke shop. Nanna perishes in the explosion.
 * Mom and Dad meet for the first time, and Dad retrieves her discarded scarf.
 * An ectobiological sample of Mom Lalonde is taken by John in the Medium.
 * December 1, ????: A young Jade discovers John's intended gift for her 13th birthday. This inspires her to take up gardening, and to later meet John and the other Kids.
 * ????? ??, ????: Jade, while sleepwalking one night, chances upon a brilliant multicolored frog. It dies moments after she picks it up.
 * ????? ??, ????: Grandpa Harley builds Jade a dreambot to keep her from sleepwalking.
 * ????? ??, ????: Jade accidentally causes one of Grandpa Harley's flintlock pistols to fire. Tavros redirects the bullet by communing with Bec, and kills Grandpa Harley.
 * Sometime afterward, Jade awakens on Prospit.
 * September 7, 2000, 4:13:14 P.M.: Jaspers causes the First Guardian genetic code to awaken in Rose's mind by telling her MEOW.
 * Rose begins scrawling the First Guardian code on her bedroom walls.
 * Jaspers is accidentally appearified out of the B1 universe and into the Alpha one by Roxy.
 * September ??, 2000: Roxy sendificates Jaspers' corpse back into the B1 universe.
 * September 21, 2000, 4:13:14 P.M.: Rose discovers Jaspers' corpse.
 * He is later buried in a completely ridiculous fashion, signalling the beginning of Rose and Mom Lalonde's passive aggressive battles.
 * ????? ??, ????: Gamzee causes John and Dave to start scribbling on their walls by exaggerating their fear of clowns and puppets, though they remain unable to see the drawings or even know they exist. This creates the Imp Doll in Dream John's room, and Cal in Dream Dave's room.
 * August 26, 2008: Jade dreams of the meteor that will someday strike Dave's apartment building, and her dreambot saves a photo of it.
 * December 1, 2008: Jade's thirteenth birthday.
 * John is trolled by Vriska, to threatens to kill him.
 * John sends his package off to Jade, far too late for her to receive it on time.
 * Terezi unintentionally convinces John to change his Pesterchum handle from ghostyTrickster to ectoBiologist.
 * December 3, 2008: Dave's thirteenth birthday.
 * Betty Crocker's company Twitter page sends Bro Strider a link to the Miracles music video. When Dave shows this to Gamzee, it triggers the beginning of his descent into insanity.
 * Dave opens John's present and begins wearing the Ben Stiller shades constantly.
 * December 4, 2008: Rose's thirteenth birthday.
 * Rose recieves yarn and knitting needles from John for her birthday.
 * Jade asks Rose about what happened to Jaspers, and advises her that a game will soon be released that will allow Rose to see Jaspers again.
 * Mom Lalonde's birthday present to Rose is a giant princess doll. At some point over the course of the next few months, Rose uses her newfound knitting skills to Lovecraftify it.
 * ????? ??, ????: Dave relates one of his most recent, and more disturbing, dreams to Rose - about himself dying over and over again and watching himself die as a different crow each time.
 * April 10, 2009: The Sburb Beta is released.
 * A few players begin playing early but are quickly dispatched by meteors.
 * April 13, 2009: John's thirteenth birthday. All of Act I takes place.
 * Jade is named.
 * John is named.
 * Dave is named.
 * John allocates his Strife Specibus with Hammerkind.
 * Dave accidentally kills a rambunctious crow who had stolen his copy of the Sburb Beta, both landing on a neighboring building.
 * Jade pretends to fight with Grandpa Harley.
 * Some unknown time later: Jade fights with Bec and retrieves John's package for her 13th birthday.
 * John fights with Dad. He retrieves Dave's package to him and the Sburb Beta.
 * John begins installs the Sburb Beta Client; the Server and Jade's package are still in Dad's car.
 * John connects with Rose.
 * Rose Tier 1 prototypes John's Kernelsprite with the maimed Harlequin doll.
 * Rose is named.
 * John bites into his Cruxite Apple to enter the Land of Wind and Shade.
 * The Reckoning begins to start on Earth.
 * Rose allocates her Strife Specibus with Needle Kind.
 * Rose's house is threatened by a forest fire
 * Rose fights with her Mother.
 * Rose flees to Jasper's mausoleum to restore power to help John.
 * Dave tries to secure Bro's Sburb beta to get Rose into the Medium, but finds nothing.
 * Rose continues to aid John, while updating her Sburb Walkthrough.
 * Dave plunders his kitchen for ammunition against Bro if things get too hot to handle - and they always do.
 * Mom opens a secret passageway in Jasper's Masoleum, allowing Rose to flee the forest fire to the Skaianet Laboratory.
 * Inside the Laboratory, Rose secures a wireless hub as a portable power source for her laptop.
 * Rose learns about Jaspers' disappearance and death, the numerous Sburb sessions and corresponding meteor strikes around the world, and the science of ectobiology. She flees with Vodka Mutini before the building is destroyed.
 * Dave fights Bro.
 * Jade sneaks out of her home.
 * John's present to Jade is teleported away by WV, complete with Jade's letters to PM and WV.
 * Jade enters the Frog Temple.
 * Bro gives the Beta to Dave after soundly defeating him.
 * Dave connects to Rose's client.
 * Rose tier 1 prototypes her Sprite with Jaspers' corpse.
 * Dave tier 2 prototypes her Sprite with the Eldritch Princess doll.
 * Rose breaks her Cruxite bottle to enter the Land of Light and Rain.
 * The Lotus time capsule releases Dave's copy of Sburb to Jade.
 * Becquerel teleports Jade back to her room.
 * Jade connects to Dave's client.
 * Jade tier 1 prototypes Dave's sprite with the Rambunctious Crow.
 * Jade goes to sleep in order to keep an eye on John's dreamself, and continues to aid Dave using her dreambot.
 * Bro buys Dave enough time for the Cruxite Egg to hatch by slicing the meteor about to hit their apartment building in half.
 * Dave enters the Medium in the Land of Heat and Clockwork.
 * Jade's dreambot explodes, destroying Jade's bedroom and most of her belongings.
 * Becquerel break's Jade's fall by teleporting her bed under her. Jade remains asleep.
 * Jade wakes up after a nightmare in the Furthest Ring. She contacts Karkat who explains (poorly) what happened and why her dreambot exploded.
 * John connects to Jade's client.
 * Becquerel Tier 1 prototypes himself, and destroys Jade's incoming meteor; the resulting atomic shockwave devastates much of Earth.
 * Jade shoots her Cruxite dog pinata with Becsprite's assistance, and enters the Land of Frost and Frogs.
 * April 14th, 2009
 * Life on Earth has been obliterated.
 * ???? ??, ????: The Exiles land at unknown points in time
 * AR begins his examination of the Frog Temple.
 * April 13th, 2422
 * WV discovers his terminal in the middle of a deserted wasteland where Rose's house used to be and begins advising John.
 * WV accidentally turns off the capslock button, which opens a capsule full of canned food and a book on manners. He cannot open the food cans, but he eats the book and learns very much about human etiquette.
 * WV presses the tab key, which opens another capsule full of TaB soda. He is able to open the soda cans, at least.
 * WV discovers some chalk, some oil, a chunk of uranium, and a chunk of amber with a glowing firefly inside. He eats the uranium, but uses the chalk and oil to create Can Town and a mural of the Incipisphere around it. He also creates a chessboard and spends a good forty minutes playing chess with himself and other tomfoolery.
 * WV opens other parts of his terminal and appearifies the firefly out of the chunk of amber and names the firefly Serenity. He also appearifies John's package to Jade, with a letter from Jade, and one of the pumpkins from Jade's house with Bec's head carved into it.
 * WV causes his terminal to launch into the sky, heading towards the Frog Temple.
 * PM finds her terminal in the location where John's house used to be. She befriends its worm-like appendages and also causes it to fly to the Frog Temple.
 * PM attempts to talk to Jade along the way, but Becsprite blows up her monitor.
 * WQ explores her terminal, which is located where Dave's apartment building used to be. It is broken in half, so she reconstitutes it using her key, and advises Rose for some time.
 * WV lands at the Frog Temple. He gathers up his belongings and climbs down.
 * PM lands at the Frog Temple.
 * AR, distrusting of the newcomers, blows several holes in the two terminals.
 * WV meets PM and gives her John's package as per the instructions in the attached letter from Jade. PM also follows said instructions, sendificating the package to a much younger Jade in the past.
 * AR sees the picture of Becquerel carved on WV's pumpkin and is terrified by it due to a past trauma. He stops attacking WV and PM.
 * AR, PM, and WV stop fighting and become friends. They share a meal with WV's cans and 'Jade's' AR's cookalizer.
 * PM advises John after he ascends through his first gate. She guides him through the process of learning how the LOWAS mail system works.
 * WQ teleports her terminal to the Frog Temple.
 * WQ cedes control to PM, crowning her the new Queen. She also tasks WV to, at some future point, find and kill Jack Noir.
 * WQ reassembles AR's fractured terminal.
 * WV enters his terminal again and advises John. John was not paying much attention due to being in great danger, so WV turned the capslock back on in order to get John's attention. WV's advice saved John's life, but using capslock re-locked the terminal, trapping WV inside.
 * After John dies, WV builds a fort from the terminal walls and goes to sleep.
 * AR rigs the terminals with explosives according to WQ's plan. He also advises Dave for a brief moment.
 * Red streaks of energy appear in the sky.
 * WQ enters the Frog Temple in time to witness WK emerge from the Lotus time capsule.
 * Exactly ten seconds later, Jack Noir emerges from the Lotus time capsule. He kills WQ and WK, and exits the Frog Temple.
 * AR finishes his preparations and begins destroying the terminals, but is slain by Jack before he destroys WV's terminal.
 * Jack Noir teleports inside WV's terminal and rips the uranium out of WV's stomach. He uses the uranium to restore power to the terminal and uses it to teleport to the troll session.
 * PM discovers the badly wounded WV and attempts to drag his body to safety, away from the explosives.
 * The White Ring slips out of WV's pocket. PM sees it and puts it on.
 * PM follows Jack Noir through the terminal into the troll session, bringing along WV and Serenity.
 * The Human Universe is destroyed from the outside by Jack Noir's Red Miles; its mass was channeled by the Tumor into the creation of The Green Sun. The Scratch presumably comes into effect at this point, resetting the universe.

Human Session

 * Jade awakens on Prospit. She uses the visions that the clouds of Skaia give her in order to orchestrate much of what happens they day the four kids play the Sburb Beta, as well as to gather all four of them together and make them friends in the first place.
 * Gamzee chucklevoodoos the evil clown doll in John's Prospit tower into existence.
 * Gamzee chucklevoodoos Li'l Cal into existence.
 * Jade takes this photo of Dave's meteor.
 * John and his house enter the Medium on a tall pillar on the Land of Wind and Shade.
 * The Clownsprite kernel splits, prototyping with maimed body parts and harlequins.
 * The Battlefield reaches its first state.
 * Dad is kidnapped by Underlings and brought to Derse.
 * At some time during all this, on Prospit, Dream Jade wakes up and flies over to Dream John's tower. Dream John is still asleep, but sleeping fitfully, as though plagued by nightmares. The walls of his dream room are scribbled on with evil clown drawings and self-deprecating messages.
 * Prospit begins to have an eclipse, its moon floating up into Skaia's atmosphere. In the clouds, Jade witnesses the landing of the meteor that bore the Frog Temple to Earth.
 * Rose and John accidentally tier 2 prototype the Clownsprite with Nanna Egbert's ashes.
 * John begins to be commanded by WV, although he does not appreciate the sense of yelling and rudeness that capslock gives WV's words.
 * In an attempt to retrieve John's copy of the Sburb Beta server disc, which is still locked in Dad's car Rose lifts the car up to John's balcony. However, Rose's laptop runs out of battery power, and the car, the server disc, and John's birthday package from Jade all fall into the abyss below.
 * With some advice from Dave on how to weaponize his sylladex, John begins fighting imps.
 * Nannasprite explains John's role in Sburb. Rose reconnects with John (with power from the generator by the mausoleum) and also listens to the tale, and updates her GameFAQs Walkthrough accordingly.
 * WV stops yelling at John and becomes more polite. He asks for a can opener, which John is unable to provide.
 * John learns how punch-card alchemy works and experiments by alchemizing a bunch of stuff, including:
 * Ten more captchalogue cards.
 * Replacement hammer and pogo ride.
 * A rocket pack with a flower pot, a violin, and a cinderblock mashed into it.
 * A pogo hammer.
 * John takes a nap.
 * Dream John, while still asleep, flies a few feet outside his tower and opens his eyes for a brief moment during the end of Prospit's eclipse before John wakes up again. Dream Jade witnesses this, and decides to keep an eye on Dream John, since he's due to wake up any moment now.
 * John wakes up. Against Rose's advice, he goes into his Dad's room and is very surprised at the fact that Dad is apparently not a street performer, but a boring businessman.
 * Meanwhile, on Derse, Dad keeps breaking out of his prison cell with his superior MANGRIT and terrorizing the Underlings.
 * Jack Noir is named.
 * Jack indicates his absolute disgust with the dress code, which is dictated the prototypings of the kids.
 * Jack sends the Hegemonic Brute to deal with Dad.
 * Dad beats up HB easily.
 * John finds his birthday presents in Dad's room full of SW33T L00T. He obtains:
 * A fetch modus control deck, along with a bonus Array modus and even more captchalogue cards.
 * John uses the modus control deck to combine all three of his fetch modi into an Array of Queuestacks modus - serviceable, yet fun!
 * A box of Fruit Gushers.
 * A brand new suit.
 * John realizes that Fruit Gushers are actually a Betty Crocker product, and has a brief mental breakdown from the shock.
 * He eventually gets over it and returns to his own room, only to find that all of his walls and posters have been scribbled on and defaced with clown drawings.
 * Rose (who has reconnected with the wireless hub's power) informs John that the scribbles were there all along, and were in fact John's doing, albeit subconsciously. John only became able to consciously see the drawings after his perception was significantly altered, ie: discovering and accepting Dad's actual profession.
 * John alchemizes more stuff. It was like it was simultaneously his birthday and Christmas, even though that's impossible. Said stuff included:
 * A Hammerhead Pogo Ride.
 * A Green Slime Ghost Suit and a Wise Guy Slime Suit.
 * Serious Business Goggles.
 * A Telescopic Sassecrusher.
 * Some Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurysm Gushers (with ghostly healing properties!)
 * A pair of Remote Ghost Gauntlets.
 * A Barber's Best Friend.
 * A Betty Crocker Barbasol Bomb.
 * A Cosbytop computer.
 * A fedora with four pieces of candy corn inside.
 * A Wrinklefucker.
 * Back on Derse, Jack Noir goes to deal with (read: kill) John's Dad himself.
 * Dad lights Jack's ridiculous clown hat on fire in an attempt to distract him. Jack, in appreciation for the act of vandalism, allows Dad to go free.
 * At some point, Dad eventually reaches LOWAS, and carves his hat on a minitablet and drops it in a parcel pyxis.
 * John battles through his house, ascends to his first gate, and is transported to the Land of Wind and Shade proper.
 * Rose enters the Medium on the Land of Light and Rain.
 * The Eldritch Princess Jaspersprite kernel splits, prototyping with princesses, eldritch tendrils, suits, and cats.
 * The Battlefield reaches its second state.
 * John, guided by PM from WV's terminal, explores the Land of Wind and Shade.
 * Upon discovering minitablets of a shoe and a hat in various parcel pyxis, John drops one of his Dad's shoes and a copy of his Dad's hat into the mail pipes as custom dictates. He also finds various other miscellaneous items, including an uncarved minitablet, a chunk of amber with a firefly inside, and a frog.
 * John meets various salamander consorts, including a secret wizard who has donned John's old ghost bedsheets as robes for some reason, and Crumplehat, who has dishonored his ancestors beyond comprehension with his frivolous accessory.
 * John fights some very large underlings in a salamander village. He doesn't do very well, but is rescued by Grandpa shooting the underlings from a distance.
 * John attempts to put out the resulting fire with the Barbasol Bomb, but shaving cream is actually very flammable and only spreads the flames further. However, a convenient (or is it?) gust of wind puts the fire out.
 * At PM's instruction, John carves the blank minitablet to resemble the spirograph logo on the Sburb server disc and places it in an empty parcel pyxis.
 * Rose is advised by WQ.
 * AR? discovers Dad's car crashed on LOWAS. He surrounds the car with caution tape, delivers a parking citation, and confiscates both the green package and the Sburb server disc inside.
 * PM? sees the green package and recognizes it from the drawing in a letter from Dream Jade, which instructed PM? to deliver the package to John.
 * When she goes to ask AR? for the package, a parcel pyxis opens up and releases a minitablet engraved with the Sburb server disc. PM? exchanges the tablet for the disc, but is unable to retrieve the green package. She puts the disc in an empty pyxis and lets the breeze take it to where it needs to go.
 * PM? decides to follow AR?.
 * Rose follows Mom's footprints in the sand of LOLAR through the secret passage in the mausoleum to a dock, which apparently once had a boat that is no longer there.
 * Rose is advised by WQ to ask Jaspersprite about what's going on.
 * PM? follows AR? all the way to Derse, but loses him there. So she brings along a parking citation as an excuse to snoop around.
 * The Black Queen directs PM? to the office of Archagent Jack Noir, who handles tedious paperwork such as parking tickets. Sure enough, Jack does have the package, but he's not willing to do all the paperwork needed to release confiscated freight.
 * Jack offers PM? a deal: she brings him the crowns of the White King and White Queen, and he'll give her the package.
 * PM? takes the Regisword and hitlist Jack offers her and leaves.
 * Jack, curious as to what's so important about the green package, looks inside it.
 * Rose begins fighting underlings.
 * John discovers Dad's crashed car and sees that the green package and server disc are missing.
 * John, in his travels, gets shot out of an oil pipe, which the bunny he got for his birthday.
 * John sees what he presumes to be a mother and daughter salamander, and immediately reenacts his favorite scene from Con Air.
 * All of the kids slowly begin to interact with the trolls more frequently.
 * Terezi offers to show John a shortcut to his seventh gate.
 * PM? asks the White Queen what to do in regards to her bargain with Jack. The Queen agrees that, since Prospit is destined to lose their war with Derse anyway, following Jade's instructions may be their only hope. She gives PM? her crown and her ring, and instructs her to seek out the White King on the Battlefield for further orders.
 * Rose learns about the Denizens and titles, and about her personal quest, from Jaspersprite.
 * Dream Jade stays with Dream John in his room and waits for him to wake up. She tries to help him by writing positive encouragement on his walls over the negative scribbles.
 * Rose learns from Jade that she (Rose) has also been subconsciously scribbling on her walls.
 * Dave enters the Medium on the Land of Heat and Clockwork.
 * The Seppucrowkernel splits, prototyping with crows and swords through chests.
 * The Battlefield reaches its third state.
 * John receives help from Terezi on how to fix his messed up rocket pack.
 * He then uses the rocket pack to fly up to his seventh gate, but this causes the creation of an alternate, doomed timeline (see Doomed Timelines), which prompts the Dave from the future of that timeline to travel back and stop John from being a gullible idiot. John, after some persuasion, complies.
 * John flies around LOWAS with his rocket pack instead, learning more about Skaia, Prospit, and Derse from Karkat along the way.
 * Future Dave prototypes himself onto the Crowsprite and becomes Davesprite.
 * Rose's alternate future dreamself merges with her current dreamself, giving Rose most of her future self's memories.
 * Dream Rose awakens on Derse, and she suddenly understands everything about what Jaspers told her years ago before he disappeared, and about the MEOW letters she had unconsciously scribbled all over the walls of her real room and her dream room.
 * Meanwhile, Dad, Mom, and Bro are all out surviving in various places in the Medium, killing whatever underlings and monsters they encounter.
 * Jack Noir finally gets fed up with the Black Queen's abuse and kills her with the weapon inside the green package. He then takes her ring and puts it on, assuming all prototypings thus far. He becomes the Sovereign Slayer.
 * John procedes through his second gate, which leads him to the second gate above Rose's house, as Davesprite explains.
 * Dave tricks John into showing him the captchalogue codes for the journals in Rose's room.
 * Dream Rose flies over to Dream Dave's tower and bonks him on the head with a magical ball of yarn.
 * Dave falls asleep.
 * Dream Dave, who was previously asleep but sleepwalking, awakens on Derse.
 * John snoops a bit through Rose's room anyway.
 * He captchalogues Rose's copy of This Ocean Charles, by American sports legend Charles Barkley.
 * He also discovers Rose's unfinished birthday present to him, a damaged stuff bunny in the process of being knit-repaired, which Rose claims in the included letter has been in her posession for as long as she can remember.
 * Dream Rose and Dream Dave hang out in Dream Dave's tower for a while, listening to awesome music.
 * Dream Rose gets fed up with Dream Cal, who is also in Dream Dave's room, rather quickly, and tosses him out the tower window.
 * Dream Cal lands safely on Bro's rocket board and flies off somewhere.
 * Dream Rose also, at some point, flies over Dream Dave's tower, where she is able to hear the whispers of the dark gods of the Furthest Ring in her mind.
 * Mom and Maplehoof transportalize themselves to the Veil.
 * Dad finds the new hat and shoe he ordered, and then follows Grandpa into a small shed on LOWAS. They also transportalize to the Veil.
 * John leaves a bucket prank over Rose's bedroom door, alchemizes a Fear No Anvil with a code he got from Davesprite, and rockets off to explore LOLAR
 * Rose wakes, but not in time to catch John.
 * AR? sees Dream Cal on the rocket board and follows him through a transportalizer to the Veil.
 * John finds the island where Mom and Maplehoof went and uses the transportalizer there to also go to the Veil. Specifically in an ectobiology lab, where he finds all the various knicknacks that belong to the guardians.
 * John finds and puts on a Junior Ectobiologist's Lab Suit.
 * AR? finds Bro's rocket board (sans Cal) and thrashes around the Veil for a while.
 * PM? leaves Prospit on a shuttle for Skaia. But not before being pickpocketed by the Courtyard Droll, who makes off with the White Ring.
 * Dream Jade steals the ring from CD? in turn, but not in time to catch up with PM? and return it. So instead, she puts it on. It has no effect on humans.
 * Rose alchemizes a bunch of cool stuff, including:
 * A Hubtop.
 * A Bronzed Vacuumbrella.
 * A Huggable Soft Salamancer Plush.
 * Bodacious Black Liquid Sorrow Gushers.
 * A Hubtopband.
 * Magnetic Vodka.
 * Silken Wizardbeard Yarn (with magical properties)
 * A pair of Needlewands.
 * A Velvet Squiddleknit Dress.
 * The Thorns of Oglogoth.
 * Dave wakes up and also goes on an alchemy binge. He gets:
 * iShades.
 * A Turntop.
 * A Red Plush Puppet Tux, a Four Aces Suited, and Felt Duds.
 * A Sord.
 * A Snoop Dogg Snow Cone Machete.
 * Unreal Air.
 * ...which promptly floats away, so Dave makes a second one and captchalogues it immediately.
 * Vintage Gamebro.
 * Some Suitarangs.
 * A Jutting Out And Impudent Felt Plush, a Foam Mutant Encased In Amber, an Amber Mutant Smuppet Abomination, and a Foam Fetal Mr. T In A Jar.
 * A Captcharoid Camera and a SBAHJifier.
 * Copies of Rose's two journals, "MEOW" and "Complacency of the Learned".
 * Dave begins reading both journals, and saves his place in "Complacency of the Learned" using his unused Sburb discs as a bookmark. He leaves the books and discs on the detatched toilet in his bedroom.
 * Rose burns her own copy of the "MEOW" book on the orders of the dark gods, or Horrorterrors, as she explains to Dave.
 * The Courtyard Droll is manipul8ed by Vriska into pointing out Rose's journals to the Draconian Dignitary and suggesting that they create Earth's First Guardian for Jack to be prototyped with.
 * The DD? breaks into Dave's bedroom and steals the journal copies.
 * Dave goes back inside to destroy his copy of the journals, but finds them already missing and a time-traveled copy of himself dead on the floor (see Doomed Timelines). He promptly tosses the body out the window so as not to scare Jade, and then spends a good ten minutes staring at his own blood on his hands.
 * John goes through the whole ectobiology sequence, creating infant versions of Nanna, Grandpa, Bro, and Mom, and then mixing their genes to create babies of himself, Rose, Dave, and Jade.
 * Upon seeing baby Mom and Rose, John enacts the Con Air scene yet again, giving the oil-stained bunny John received from Dave to baby Rose, and also giving the knit-repaired bunny he received from Rose to baby Jade for good measure.
 * In the Veil somewhere, Grandpa pilots a ship with Mom and Dad as passengers.
 * Dad returns Mom's scarf, which he found many years ago on Earth.
 * AR?, still riding Bro's rocket board through the Veil, discovers an asteroid that contains the Frog Temple.
 * He enters the Temple and travels down to the Lotus Time Capsule, which is empty at the moment. He also finds a monitor that shows baby Nanna and baby Grandpa's arrivals on Earth, with an appearifier target over a large white dog.
 * DD? also enters the Temple, bearing the copies of Rose's journals and their Sburb disc bookmarks. He throws the discs away, and they land inside the time capsule, which closes up and opens another seed.
 * DD? uses the book with the MEOW code and the paradox slime of Halley the dog to create Becquerel, the First Guardian of Earth. AR? witnesses this and is terrified to the point of psychological trauma.
 * John starts to make friends with Karkat in his own nerdy, derpy way, while Dave and Terezi bond over incredibly shitty drawings.
 * WV?, a simple Dersite farmer on Skaia, grows weary of the war between Prospit and Derse, and organizes a rebellion of both the white and black armies agaist the Black King. However, Jack meets the Black King first, and kills him.
 * Jack decimates the rebel faction, leaving only WV? alive.
 * PM? arrives at the Battlefield and finds the White King, but realizes that the White Ring is missing. The King gives PM? his crown and his scepter to deliver to Jack.
 * HB? ambushes PM? on her way back to Jack and attempts to steal the crowns. PM? eventually overpowers HB? and decapitates him. However, the White King's scepter is lost in the struggle.
 * CD? gives the scepter to Jack, who uses it to initiate the reckoning.
 * WQ?, along with an entourage of Prospitians that includes Ms. Paint, leaves Prospit on a shuttle bound for one of Skaia's defense portals and lands on post-apocalyptic Earth.
 * Jack flies to Prospit, destroying it and severing its moon. The moon falls towards the Battlefield, and Jack absconds.
 * Dream John falls from his room on the moon, directly in the path of impact. Dream Jade attempts to awaken him, but to no avail. She finally throws him out of the way of the explosion, but fails to fly out of the impact zone in time. She dies, just as Dream John finally awakens.
 * In the Veil, the baby versions of the four kids and their guardians, as well various items they are carrying, are transported to meteors and sent towards Skaia.
 * Skaia sends them both to Pre-Scratch Earth and Post-Scratch Earth, creating two alternate timelines.
 * Rose, rather than entering her first gate as the game dictates, blows it up with Eldritch magic and flies off to elsewhere on LOLAR to seek answers on her own terms.
 * She also finishes her Walkthrough and magically attaches it a server in the Furthest Ring, courtesy of the Horrorterrors.
 * Dave enters his first gate and begins a long, timey-whimey journey.
 * WV? finds the Evil Clown Dall from Dream John's room and rips it in half.
 * He also finds Dream John's ghost bedsheets and wears them as clothes.
 * Dream John finds Dream Jade's corpse and recovers the White Ring.
 * He then sees himself hovering outside a castle in the clouds, and resolves to go there.
 * PM? uses HB?'s communicator to call Jack Noir and arrange a meeting. Jack complies, and the trade of the crowns for the green package proceeds as promised.
 * She then meets Dream John at the castle he saw in the clouds, angrily shoves the package into his hands, and walks away.
 * John opens the package and reads letters from both Jade and Jake inside.
 * While he's reading, Jack sneaks up on and threatens Dream John, but is subsequently chased off by what's inside the package: a knit-repaired bunny with robotic enhancements and carrying miniaturized versions of four powerful weapons.
 * The Royal Deringer.
 * The Quills of Echidna.
 * Ahab's Crosshairs.
 * The Warhammer of Zillyhoo.
 * AR? flees from the Frog Temple and arrives at the ectobiology laboratory where the real John remains asleep.
 * The laboratory begins to fly toward Skaia's defense portals in the Reckoning, so AR? straps John to Bro's rocket board and sends him flying off to safety. AR? himself becomes trapped on the meteor, and is exiled to post-apocalyptic Earth.
 * Grandpa retrieves Dream Jade's body and taxidermies it. He then departs aboard his ship.
 * Mom and Dad choose to remain behind on the Battlefield.
 * Dream John sees a vision of the White Ring in WV's hand in one of the clouds.
 * Real John, still asleep, lands safely back on LOWAS.
 * Rose travels around LOLAR, desecrating every ancient ruin she can find and plundering its secrets. She begins to find clues about The Green Sun.
 * Along the way, she makes friends with Kanaya.
 * Dream John, after exploring the Battlefield for a while, comes across Dad and Mom, and runs to greet them.
 * However, right at that moment, Vriska uses her powers to wake up real John, and Dream John vanishes.
 * The White Ring falls into a chasm, where it is eventually found and picked up (but not put on) by WV?.
 * The Uberbunny is also left behind on the Battlefield.
 * Mom offers Dad some of her alcohol.
 * At some point, Jack Noir flies to LOHAC Beat Mesa and duels with Bro to a standstill.
 * Bro jams his sword into the Beat Mesa, making the very beginning of a Scratch, and flees the scene to fast for Jack to follow.
 * Jack inspects the sword and the scratch before pulling the blade out and flying off in search of Bro.
 * John is contacted by Vriska, who begins to walk him through the process of getting Jade into the game.
 * She instructs him to wait around for a few minutes, and sure enough, a parcel pyxis opens to reveal the server copy of Sburb Beta.
 * He then returns to his house and alchemizes a new computer with which to install it.
 * Dave, guided by Terezi, exploits time travel and makes a goddamn killing in the LOHAC stock exchange.
 * He then sends 413 Boonbonds to Terezi six hours ago (her perspective) to prompt the trolls to begin trolling the kids in the first place.
 * John and Dave are both warned by Karkat to stop flirting with Vriska and Terezi. They don't listen.
 * Dave finds and breaks the Caledfwsh, summons Davesprite for protection, and then goes to sleep.
 * Davesprite leaves as soon as Dave is reasonably safe.
 * On Derse, Dream Dave looks skyward during the eclipse, and hears the death throes and cries for help from the Horrorterrors.
 * Dream Dave then visit's Dream Rose, who is still asleep, and snoops through her books.
 * Rose gives Jaspersprite her old laptop so he can talk to Nepeta whenever he wants. She thanks him for his help and says that he can do whatever he wants now.
 * Jack catches up with Bro, who has found his rocket board again, on LOWAS. Jack tosses Bro his sword back and challenges him.
 * Davesprite arrives on LOWAS also, and stands with Bro against Jack.
 * John connects to Jade's client.
 * Vriska puts John to sleep before he can prototype Jade's sprite.
 * WV? sees Dream John briefly reappear on the Battlefield before vanishing once again.
 * Jade enters the Medium in the Land of Frost and Frogs.
 * The Becsprite kernel splits, prototyping with dogs and First Guardians.
 * The Battlefield reaches its final state, and also is healed from Jack's destruction.
 * Jack becomes prototyped with First Guardian powers, gaining a huge advantage in the heretofore well-matched fight. He kills Bro and maims Davesprite, who nonetheless escapes with his life.
 * Jack tests out his new powers by setting half of LOWAS on fire.
 * Rose travels to LOHAC and begins putting all of her research together with information from Doc Scratch.
 * She attempts to contact Dave, except that Dave is still asleep and a Nakkodile has taken his iShades.
 * John wakes up in the middle of a burning oil ocean on LOWAS.
 * He is contacted by Karkat, who angrily explains what happened with Jade's prototyping and how it affects the trolls, and by Rose, who asks John to go to the Battlefield and retrieve a bomb called The Tumor.
 * Prompted by both Vriska and WV, John suddenly does the Windy Thing. The Windy Thing puts out the fire.
 * Jade, without her dreamself, has terrible nightmares of the Horrorterrors in the Furthest Ring, which make it difficult for her to get the amount of sleep she is used to.
 * In a very sour mood, Jade tells off both Karkats for being unbelievable jerks.
 * John, at Vriska's prompting, locates his Quest Bed. He asks Vriska to put him to sleep, which she does.
 * Jack Noir teleports in, stabs John in the chest, and teleports out.
 * Dream John ascends to the God Tiers and takes over as both the primary John and as the fully realized Heir of Breath, complete with awesome god-tier pajamas.
 * Dave contemplates killing a doomed version (Felt!Dave) of himself on his Quest Bed, but is unable to face his own mortality and leaves.
 * Felt!Dave wakes up and gets off the Quest Bed. Jack Noir promptly teleport-murders him (see Doomed Timelines).
 * Jade encounters a First Guardian-powered underling, which is absurdly more powerful than the enemies the kids have faced so far. The imp teleports their fight all around the Medium
 * A Dave on LOHAC wakes up at the sound of Jade's rifle as she strifes with the imp.
 * Another Dave on LOFAF also witnesses the battle.
 * Becsprite finally steps in and destroys the imp in a violent nuclear explosion.
 * Jade starts to be contacted by PM, but Becsprite does not approve and halts the conversation by blowing up PM's monitor.
 * The Dave on LOFAF who saw the strife contacts Jade and helps her set up to cheat the system and make Dave into her new server player while John is busy.
 * Dave gets her to deploy the Intellibeam Laserstation, which he can now afford thanks to his business at the LOHAC Stock Exchange. He then duplicates the server disc to become Jade's server while John is still unable to do so, and gives Jade a fully upgraded Alchemiter while he's at it.
 * The Dave on LOHAC takes back his shades from a nakkodile and speaks to Rose.
 * Rose explains that the Horrorterrors are being massacred by a certain entity, and they need him to make a "map" through the Furthest ring to the Green Sun. There, Rose claims, she will have her dreamself take The Tumor, which she plans to have retrieved by John, and destroy the sun in a suicide-bombing maneuver.
 * Jade is then contacted by Tavros, who explains about his intervention to save her life at the expense of her grandfather when she was very young. He also asks to commune with Bec again, but Jade is on the fence on that.
 * After ignoring Karkat's trolling, Jade sets up her alchemizing binge in true Christmas style with the help of Dave. She then makes the following items:
 * Earmuffs.
 * Lunchmuffs.
 * A Johnnytop.
 * The Iron Lass Suit, a Dress of Eclectica, a Dead Shuffle Dress, and a Three in the Morning Dress.
 * A transparent Magic 8 ball.
 * Some Sooth-Specs and the Junior Compu-Sooth Spectagoggles.
 * A Warm Fuzzy Squiddlejacket with Squiddlesneaks.
 * The Girl's Best Friend and the Green Sun Streetsweeper.
 * A Duttle and some Dutton Bubble Goggles.
 * Johnny 5.
 * Jade is trolled by Eridan, who gives her the code to Ahab's Crosshairs, believing it will help her in her rivalry against the "witch" (Rose). Unfortunately, since said rivalry exists only in his own head, Jade deems the gun useless and throws it out in the trash so that it will eventually find its way to her penpal, Jake (see Alpha Human Universe).
 * Jade takes a look around the Incipisphere with her new goggles. She sees God-tier John on the Battlefield, being approached by WV, Rose talking with Doc Scratch on LOHAC, and finally, Bro and Felt!Dave's dead bodies.
 * Jade contacts Dave to make sure he's alright, and he reassures her. He also hints that she's about to do something essential to the kid's plan, but refuses to tell her what so that she can make the decision on her own.
 * Jade goes up to the lab at the top of her house, where her stuffed dreamself and Jack's stolen Fourth Wall await.
 * She summons Becsprite with an irradiated steak.
 * Jade throws her dreamself's corpse into Becsprite, creating Jadesprite.
 * Jadesprite freaks out, blowing the lab off its spire and sending the two rolling downhill. They eventually stop.
 * Jadesprite turns out to be highly emotionally unstable and completely breaks down. She's no use to anyone like this.
 * Jade is trolled by Karkat, and for once is happy to hear from him because anything is better than Jadesprite's constant crying.
 * Karkat, who is being polite for a change, gives Jade some advice and also sincerely apologizes for being a jerkass to her for her entire life. Jade accepts his apology, and they begin working together on a plan to escape the effects of the Scratch.
 * As a first step to this plan, Jade turns off the Fourth Wall in her grandfather's lab and draws it on her scribblepad, thereby captchaloging an undamaged copy of it.
 * In order to keep things linear and smooth out unnecessary complication and variables, Jade puts a password system in place with regards to speaking with trolls.
 * Jade, advised by Kanaya, begins the process of breeding the Genesis Frog.
 * At some point, Dave travels to LOFAF to assist Jade with this.
 * John, who has been wandering around the Battlefield accompanied by WV?, chances upon Dad's wallet. It contains:
 * A note from Dad.
 * One ton of shaving cream.
 * A pile of pipes.
 * A pile of razor blades.
 * A spare car.
 * An assortment of shoes, hats, and ties.
 * Several issues of The Serious Jester.
 * Ticket stubs to Cirque du Soleil.
 * A briefcase full of fatherly documents.
 * A variety of photographs.
 * A Crosbytop computer.
 * Ten tons of pipe tobacco.
 * A lighter.
 * John and WV? fly the car around using the Windy Thing.
 * John is pestered by Jade. They exchange information, and Jade informs John that Dad is located in a castle somewhere along with Mom, but can't be more specific than that.
 * John is also pestered by Karkat, who apologizes for being a doucebag and relates in a blind panic something about honking before cutting contact.
 * John, highly concerned, attempts to call Karkat back. However, the Karkat he gets in touch with is from the wrong point in time and has no idea what John is talking about.
 * John eventually locates a castle and, in attempting to land nearby, crashes the car.
 * While exploring the castle on foot, John talks to Vriska some more. She relates to him the story of her difficult childhood and her mixed feelings over killing Tavros.
 * Unable to find his father in this castle, John decides to go get The Tumor from the core of the Battlefield. On Vriska's advice, John creates a tornado planetary drill and bores straight through the Battlefield. He descends into its core, finds The Tumor, captchalogues it, and returns to the surface.
 * Meanwhile, Dad and Mom are on a date. Jack interrupts the date by killing them both. He then attempts to accessorize with his new trophies, but decides that This Is Stupid.
 * He dwells upon the urges Becquerel's prototyping has conferred upon him, including his newfound inhibiting loyalty to Jade. He contacts DD? requesting that he do something about Jade, and after a brief argument they settle on sending CD? after her.
 * DD? contacts CD? with his new mission; CD? is on the battlefield with the Uberbunny, and the two are witnessing John's tornado. CD? reports that he has failed to find the White Ring.
 * Rose talks to Doc Scratch about the true nature of many things, including the Scratch and her abilities. One of her Complacency brings forth the Cue Ball formerly belonging to Jade, and upon Scratch's encouragement, she learns to use an innate X-ray vision ability to see through it and read its predictions, which advise her to contact Jade.
 * Jade informs Rose of her mother's death, and Rose reacts by considering going after Jack directly, slipping into a distinctly sucidal mindset. Both Jade and Doc Scratch attempt to talk her out of this, and Scratch posits that the Horrorterrors have had a corrupting influence on her. On his advice, she consults the cue ball for answers as to the Horrorterrors' true alignment, but the answer causes her to go completely off the deep end in every way.
 * Rose goes grimdark, thus initiating the Trollian blackout of which Kanaya spoke. She flies off to the Battlefield to seek revenge upon Jack.
 * John and WV encounter the Uberbunny and CD?. CD? is so excited that he promptly forgets his mission. John names the Uberbunny Liv Tyler.
 * Although Liv lost all her weapons in John's tornado drill, the miniature Warhammer of Zillyhoo quickly shows up. Liv restores it to normal size, and all behold its glory.
 * John tasks Liv, WV? and CD? with taking The Tumor to Dream Rose on Derse. He commandeers a Dersite battleship for their use, which Liv shrinks to better suit her size. He hands over the Wallet Modus and all its contents, neglecting to keep the Crosbytop, much to Jade and Vriska's frustration.
 * Liv, WV? and CD? board the battleship and depart the Battlefield for Derse.
 * Rose descends to the Battlefield, looking for revenge upon Jack.
 * John sees Rose's descent and thinks Dad might be in that area, and departs for the white castle.
 * Rose lands on the white castle near the corpses of Dad and Mom and goes hunting for Jack in the castle, encountering the distressed remnants of WV?'s rebel army within.
 * She instead finds John in the castle's bowels; though they can't communicate, they settle on her leading him to where Mom and Dad('s corpses) are.
 * As they progress back, they find that the army remnant present in the castle has since been slaughtered by Jack.
 * CD? attempts to steal the Tumor from WV?, but is thwarted by Liv, who steals the captchalogue card out of the wallet. CD? takes an escape ship and reports in to Jack, unaware of Liv's actions.
 * John and Rose find Jack near the site of their parents' death.
 * Jack kills John before he can do anything, and an enraged Rose engages him in a duel. Rose loses and is killed by Jack.
 * Jack receives a message from the CD? concerning the whereabouts of the White Ring, and departs.
 * Jack appears before WV? and tears apart his battleship. The remnants are flung through one of Skaia's portals to post-apocalyptic Earth, exiling WV?. Liv takes an escape ship off the battleship just before they pass through the gate, escaping being exiled herself.
 * John comes back to life and revives Rose as her dreamself as per the advice Vriska left for him on Rose's hubtopband.
 * Dream Rose awakens on Derse as the new primary Rose.
 * John is also contacted by Karkat, who instructs him to travel to LOHAC to initiate the Scratch.
 * Late into her frog-catching work, Jade and Dave are confronted by Jack. They engage him in combat, and although Jack still cannot harm Jade, Dave gets caught in some spatiotemporal crossfire and is killed.
 * Jade is advised by Karkat on the process of reviving a player's dreamself.
 * Dream Dave awakens on Derse as the new primary Dave.
 * Jack is near-completely overcome by the urges of loyalty provided by Becquerel, and starts following her around like a dog.
 * On the Battlefield, Nannasprite learns of Dad's demise and is contacted by fedorafreak, who has found "his" Quest Bed and is dying from an encounter with underlings in "his" session. As he dies, Nanna consoles him with a story of her childhood under Betty Crocker.
 * On the Battlefield, Jadesprite encounters Davesprite, heavily wounded and bearing the unbroken Royal Deringer. Following a conversation on the nature of the events leading him to obtain the sword, Jadesprite teleports the Royal Deringer away to Dave on Derse.
 * Meanwhile, the first Unreal Air finally arrives on the Battlefield like a fucknig piece of gargbage.
 * Rose and Dave meet on Derse's moon. Liv arrives and delivers the Tumor. The Royal Deringer appears before them, sent by Jadesprite. It snaps in half at Dave's touch, and he uses it to sever the chain connecting Derse and its moon.
 * Rose knocks Dave out with her magical yarn, and she and Liv depart with the Tumor, sailing the moon through the Furthest Ring.
 * DD? stows aboard the moon and goes with them.
 * Rose, on her journey, passes through a dream bubble that is actually inhabited by a sleeping Dave. They talk, and come to terms with a few things, but DD? interrupts them.
 * Dave wakes after being dreamstabbed by DD?, and flies off to pursue the moon.
 * Jade concludes her preparations, discussing her deal with Echidna with Kanaya and Karkat. She explains that, in order to get Echidna's help in locating the final frog needed to complete the Genesis Frog's gene sequence, Jade had to promise Echidna that she would find a way to to take all the Denizens, consorts, and Lands with her when she escapes the Scratch with her friends.
 * At some point, Jade sends John the captcha codes for the Quills of Echidna and a pair of Lunchmuffs.
 * At some point, Jade is contacted by Doc Scratch, who tells her about where the Fourth Wall leads, and how to reach the new Alpha session by breaking through the Fourth Wall and crossing the yellow yard in Hussie's office.
 * John uses the codes from the Warhammer of Zillyhoo and Vriska's Fleurite Octet to create a Pop-o-Matic Vrillyhoo Hammer.
 * John is contacted by Karkat, this being their first conversation from Karkat's perspective.
 * John starts the Scratch on Beat Mesa using the Quills of Echidna, fending off underlings in the process.
 * CD? kills Jade with the ton of shaving cream from Dad's wallet rigged with explosives.
 * The complete Genesis Tadpole is knocked into the Forge by the blast.
 * Jack flips the fuck out and kills CD? in retaliation, then takes Jade's body to her Quest Bed.
 * Jack escapes the impending Scratch by travelling to the Frog Temple and hiding in the lotus time capsule. Shortly thereafter, the Frog Temple's meteor takes part in the Reckoning and is flung to prehistoric Earth through one of Skaia's portals.
 * Jadesprite, who is also Dream Jade and therefore qualifies, ascends to the God Tiers, merging with and becoming the primary Jade and manifesting on the Reckoning-stricken Battlefield before Davesprite.
 * John completes the Scratch. The Beat Mesa rises from LOHAC to Skaia, carrying John with it.
 * Jade begins to execute what appears to be her escape plan. She commandeers a Prospitian battleship and miniaturises and collects the Battlefield and the four Lands, picking up John along the way.
 * She enlarges the Fourth Wall she drew earlier and flies the battleship straight through it, escaping the scratched session and fulfilling her bargain with Echidna.
 * The Beat Mesa flies into Skaia, and the Scratch comes into effect.

Doomed Timelines
 * John follows Terezi's advice and faces his Denizen before he's ready. John and the Typheus talk about a few things before the Typheus kills John.
 * Without John to complete the chain of players, Jade is unable to enter the Medium and stays behind on Earth, presumably to die when the final meteor strikes.
 * Dave and Rose continue their quests for four months, trying to gain as much knowledge about the game as they can.
 * Finally, Dave travels back in time to stop John from leaving and avert this timeline.
 * Rose goes to sleep, and her dreamself merges with the dreamself of Alpha Rose. This timeline ceases to exist.
 * Dave travels back in time to stop DD? from stealing Rose's journals, and is killed.
 * Dave chooses that heads on Terezi's coin flip will mean that he will proceed to his Quest Bed and find out about the God Tier process immediately, rather than later. He goes to sleep on his Quest Bed, but nothing happens.
 * Dave wakes up, gets off his Quest Bed, and is promptly teleport-murdered by Jack Noir.

Pre-Scratch "Alternia"

 * Dawn of time: The Genesis Frog of a prior 48-player session grows into the trolls' universe.
 * The planet that would be renamed Alternia after the Scratch is home to two temporally separated sets each of twelve trolls. The later generation plays Sgrub, but fails because they cannot comprehend conflict or strife..well maybe. They strike a deal with Echidna to scratch their session and start anew, at the cost of their memories and peace. The failed players become the Ancestors to the new players-to-be.
 * This session is variably referred to as the Beta Troll Session, the Pre-Scratch Troll Session, and the A1 Session.

Alternia

 * The newly-created Doc Scratch arrives on Alternia via meteor. He takes up residence on one of Alternia's moons, and proceeds to orchestrate much of what follows.
 * Two meteors carrying the red and blue Frog Temples impact Alternia.
 * A meteor bearing the grub who will become Condesce impacts Alternia. She is adopted by Gl'bgolyb, and proceeds to utterly dominate troll society, organizing it into a strict blood-based heirarchy with her at the top. In time, Alternia becomes a brutal star-faring empire of galactic conquerers.
 * At various points in Alternian history, the meteors bearing the grubs who will become Orphaner Dualscar, the Grand Highblood, E%ecutor Darkleer, Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, Neophyte Redglare, the Dolorosa, the Disciple, and the Ψiioniic impact Alternia. They are adopted by their respective lusii.
 * At some point, Marquise Spinneret Mindfang comes into possession of a magic cue ball. She uses it to learn a great many things, including the fact that her matesprit will be a lowblood, and will also be her killer. Her response to this revelation defines much of her remaining life.
 * The meteor bearing the grub who will become the Signless impacts Alternia. The Dolorosa finds him and, knowing that no lusus exists that will accept him, raises him herself.
 * As he matures, The Signless begins recalling memories of the peaceful unscratched Alternia, and begins preaching the virtues of compassion and equality to those who will listen. He is soon joined by the Dolorosa, his first follower; the Ψiioniic, a psychic slave who converted to his teachings; and the Disciple, his closest follower and Love Interest.
 * The highbloods take note of the Signless's heresy, and a sectarian war follows, which ends with the capture and torture of the Signless. After having been pierced by arrows and clapped in burning-hot irons for days on end, the dying Sufferer utters the Vast Expletive, a culmination of all his teachings in a voice of pure rage and pain. Not long after, the Dolorosa is sold into slavery, and the Ψiioniic forced to become a battery/Helmsman for the Battleship Condescension. The Disciple would have been put to death by the E%ecutor, but for the fact that he took pity on her and allowed her to escape with the Righteous Leggings, the Sufferer's garment at his death. For the rest of her life, she would write the scriptures of the Sufferer on cave walls with the blood of wild animals. As for the E%ecutor, he goes into exile after his one act of defiance, escaping the retribution of the Highbloods only through the protection of Marquise Spinneret Mindfang. In exchange, Mindfang asks him to hide her magic cue ball, as his unique status as a psychic void and a hole in Doc Scratch's omniscience make him one of the few people who can.
 * The teachings of the Signless Sufferer survive in the form of a cult of devoted followers (which includes Neophyte Redglare) who prepare for his second coming, all the while keeping their faith a closely guarded secret. A new breed of lusus is slowly developed by these followers, and the irons with which the Sufferer was tortured to death become his sym69ls. When a second troll with candy-red blood is born, he shall have a sign to his name and a custodian to raise him.
 * Marquise Spinneret Mindfang and Orphaner Dualscar engage in a torrid blackrom, with gratuitous collateral damage to pretty much everyone who crosses their respective paths.
 * Mindfang manipul8s the Dolorosa, currently enslaved by Dualscar, into engaging in flushed carnal activities while he watches. While Mindfang believes the Dolorosa to have some promise as her matesprit, Dualscar has her murdered out of jealousy. Despite her being in a completely different quadrant. Mindfang promptly ends their kismesissitude.
 * Dualscar attempts to take revenge upon Mindfang by increasing the bounty on her head and reporting her directly to the Grand Highblood. As his sense of humor is insufficient to appease the whims of the Subjugglators (read: terrible), he is killed in what is likely a horrific and painful fashion. The Grand Highblood does follow up on the tip, though.
 * Neophyte Redglare is dispatched to bring Mindfang to justice. Mindfang initially underestimates the threat, but soon discovers that Redglare has an extremely potent lusus: the dragon Pyralspite. Pyralspite proceeds to destroy Mindfang's fleet and blind her in one eye, while Redglare cuts off Mindfang's arm in the process of subduing her. Mindfang is imprisoned in preparation for her trial. Mindfang also develops an obsession with Pyralspite at this time.
 * At her trial, Mindfang manipul8s the rather sizable lowblooded jury into lynching Redglare. She then kills His Honorable Tyranny in a duel, before departing for Darkleer's hideout.
 * Darkleer constructs a robotic replacement arm for Mindfang, while she regales him with tales of her adventures. Mindfang considers using the magic cue ball once again, before deciding that it is better off hidden. Her journal serves as the only map to its hiding place.
 * The meteor bearing the grub who will become the Summoner impacts Alternia. He is adopted by a tiny winged bull lusus.
 * As he matures, the Summoner develops both wings and the capacity to control Alternian wildlife. With these abilities, he rises to the top of the Imperial Cavalreapers, and soon leads a rebellion on the same scale as that of the Sufferer.
 * At some point, Mindfang crosses paths with the Summoner, perhaps hoping to use his abilities to tame Pyralspite. As foretold by her magic cue ball, they become matesprits, but the Summoner eventually kills her.
 * The Summoner's rebellion is quelled. To prevent further insurrections, the Condesce forcibly rearranges troll society: all adults are enlisted in the imperial armies and occupied with interstellar conquest as soon as they come of age, leaving Alternia itself inhabited solely by children.
 * At various points over the course of one or two sweeps, the meteors bearing the grubs that will one day be named Feferi Peixes, Eridan Ampora, Gamzee Makara, Equius Zahhak, Vriska Serket, Terezi Pyrope, Kanaya Maryam, Nepeta Leijon, Sollux Captor, Tavros Nitram, and Aradia Megido impact Alternia. They are adopted by their respective lusii: Eridan by Seahorse Dad, Gamzee by a goat-headed sea serpent lusus, Equius by Arthour, Vriska by Spidermom, Terezi by an unhatched dragon lusus, Kanaya by a virgin Mother Grub, Nepeta by Pounce de Leon, Sollux by a bicyclops lusus, Tavros by Tinkerbull, and Aradia by a small kangaroo-ram lusus. Most significantly, Feferi is adopted by Gl'bgolyb. As the Condesce's flagship moves further and further out of range of the psychic link with their shared lusus, Feferi's connection grows dominant, making her assassination impossible.
 * The meteor bearing the grub that will one day be named Karkat Vantas impacts Alternia. He is adopted by Crabdad and, unbeknownst to him, takes the sym69ls of the Sufferer as his sign.
 * Kanaya develops diurnal tendencies, finding the Alternian sun unnatural invigorating. Having difficulty sleeping during the day as her lusus and other trolls inform her she should be, she wanders the desert for hours on end. During one of these explorations, she is visited by Doc Scratch, who puts her to sleep. Her dream self immediately awakens on Prospit.
 * Guided by the clouds of Skaia, Kanaya takes a number of actions that will be instrumental to beginning the trolls' session. Most notably, she finds Rose's walkthrough (and develops a case of hero-worship for Rose as a result) and informs Sollux and Aradia of the existence of the red Frog Temple near her hive. Both take an acute interest in the temple, Aradia because of her fascination with archaeology, and Sollux because of the ancient programming code encrypted in the glyphs on the ruin's walls. Together, they determine that whatever program this code represents, it is only half complete. There is probably another ruin somewhere on Alternia with the other half of the code.
 * Vriska and Eridan, out of the necessity to feed Spidermom and Gl'bgolyb respectively, form a FLARPing team and make a practice of murdering as many of their opponents as possible. Vriska feeds the trolls to Spidermom, while Eridan gives their lusii to Feferi for Gl'bgolyb. They are also kismeses, though it is implied that Vriska finds Eridan rather boring in this regard. During one of their FLARP sessions, they discover a ghost ship carrying relics of their ancestors: the Fluorite Octet and Mindfang's journal for Vriska, and Ahab's Crosshairs for Eridan. Vriska also uses the journal to find Mindfang's magic cue ball.
 * Vriska ceases FLARPing with Eridan in favor of Terezi. As Team Scourge, Terezi tries to limit Vriska's predations to the "guilty", with limited success.
 * Tavros begins FLARPing with Aradia, forming Team Charge. They develop a rather one-sided rivaly with the Scourge Sisters (read: Vriska relentlessly picks on Tavros, while Tavros just takes it and Aradia and Terezi try in vain to keep things fair.)
 * A doomed Aradiabot impacts Alternia, carrying with her Li'l Cal and Dad Egbert's Wallet Modus, which contains a fedora hat and a Crosbytop. The impact exposes the buried blue Frog Temple near Aradia's hive. Aradia investigates and informs Sollux that she has found the second set of ruins, and he soon sets to work completing the code for the game that will be called Sgrub. Li'l Cal is given to Kanaya, who sews him a new green felt outfit. Aradia keeps the fedora, the Crosbytop, and the remnants of the Aradiabot.
 * During an otherwise routine Charge vs. Scourge FLARP session, Vriska finally pushes things too far. She assumes the role of Tavros' Game Master and arranges, with Doc Scratch's assistance, for Terezi and Aradia to be distracted elsewhere while they play. Tavros soon finds himself overwhelmed with the overpowered enemies Vriska sends out at him, cornered at the edge of a cliff. He tries to back out of FLARPing (even trying to get help from Aradia and Terezi, to no avail), but Vriska manipul8s him and forces him to "fly" off a cliff. He lands hard, and is paralyzed from the waist down. While waiting for help to come, Tavros communes with the Horsaroni Fiduspawn at his hive, causing it to inscribe the t1ck code on the walls of his hive and in his FLARP manual with the blood of its spawning plush (though he later does not recall doing this).
 * Terezi tries to talk Aradia out of getting back at Vriska, but fails. Guided by the voices of the dead, Aradia summons the ghosts of all of Vriska's victims to torment her.
 * At Doc Scratch's prompting, Vriska manipul8ts Sollux into flying to Aradia's hive with a jar of mind honey. She simultaneously trolls Aradia, goading her into looking out of her window just in time to see the mind-controlled Sollux eat the mind honey. The resulting optic blast destroys Aradia's hive and kills Aradia. Nonetheless, Aradia lingers on as a ghost. As she awakens in the ruins of her burnt-out hive, the now-ghostly Aradia inscribes the t0ck code all over its walls and in her old FLARP manual with the scattered soot.
 * Terezi informs Vriska that she will be bringing her to justice, knowing that Vriska will be unable to resist consulting her magic cue ball. Meanwhile, she contacts Doc Scratch (with some help from Sollux), and informs him that Vriska has one of his magic cue balls. Enraged, Scratch blows up the cue ball while it's in Vriska's hands, destroying her arm and vision eightfold in the process.
 * Vriska does a psychic double reacharound, manipul8ting Tavros into communing Terezi's lusus into influencing Terezi to sleepwalk into the forest in the middle of the day and staring into the Alternian sun until she goes blind. On the bright side, this does wake up Terezi's dream self on Prospit. After taking revenge thus, Vriska inscribes the 8r8k code on the walls of her hive and in her FLARP manual with her own blood. Similarly, while recovering from the trauma to her eyes, Terezi inscribes the H34DS code on the walls of her hive and in her own FLARP manual with red chalk.
 * Aradia takes up residence in the blue Frog Temple and, guided by the whispers of the dead, begins orchestrating the events leading up to the completion of Sgrub and the start of the trolls' session. Only Sollux, Terezi, Vriska, and Equius are aware that she is (un)dead.
 * A doomed Aradiabot arranges for Karkat to trigger the Mobius Double Reacharound Virus. Triggering the virus causes Karkat's computer to explode, blowing a hole through his hive and killing his lusus. The virus also curses Karkat and everyone he comes into contact with, ensuring the deaths of their respective lusii.
 * Sollux wakes up from his involuntary nap, and finds he had ingested some mind honey during it. Unable to restrain the optic blasts, he directs them upwards, destroying the roof above and killing his lusus.
 * The Sgrub session starts.
 * Meteors begin falling down on Alternia.
 * The Condesce and her fleet attempt to return to their home planet, but fail to reach it in time to do anything.
 * The remaining lusii of the trolls are all killed (except Aradia's, which was already killed when her hive was destroyed). They are eventually prototyped into kernelsrpites (again, except for Aradia who uses the head of the Frog Temple as her kernelsprite.)
 * The death of Feferi's lusus Gl'bgolyb sets off the Vast Glub, killing every troll in the universe except the Condesce and Feferi.
 * By the time this occurs, all the troll players are in the Medium except for Sollux and the aforementioned Feferi. Sollux is able to send Feferi into the Medium and then dies, entering the game as a corpse.
 * With her army and her ship's Helmsman dead, the Condesce begins to make her way back to Alternia in the Battleship Condescension.
 * ??? years after Sgrub: The Banished Quasiroyal, an exiled Black Queen, wanders the deserts of post-apocalyptic Alternia when she is accosted by Doc Scratch, who gives her the new identity of Snowman and the power to destroy the Troll universe upon her death. She becomes an Exile for the Troll Session and proceeds to manipulate Vriska and Terezi into getting Jack Noir exiled in revenge for her own banishment.
 * ??? years after Sgrub: An exiled Jack Noir from the trolls' session--by now a Scurrilous Straggler--wanders the desert where he witnesses his future self, Spades Slick, do battle with Sawbuck and Crowbar. He later goes on to build a city with his three cohorts, the Hegemonic Brute/Hearts Boxcars, the Courtyard Droll/Clubs Deuce, and the Draconian Dignitary/Diamonds Droog, and events transpire which lead to the very fight the Straggler saw in the first place.
 * 606 sweeps (about 1313 years) after Sgrub: The meteor bearing the grub that will one day become the Handmaid impacts Alternia or its moon. She is adopted/sequestered by Doc Scratch, who raises her to be Lord English's slave.
 * 612 sweeps (about 1326 years) after Sgrub:
 * The Midnight Crew Intermission: The Midnight Crew - Spades Slick, Clubs Deuce, Diamonds Droog, and Hearts Boxcars - infiltrate their mansion of their rival gang, the Felt. After several time-related shenanigans, Spades Slick ends up in a timeline where all of the Midnight Crew and the Felt are dead, except for himself, Snowman, Doc Scratch, and Lord English. Spades Slick loses an arm and becomes an Exile of the Troll Session. The remaining Troll Exiles are Clubs Deuce, Diamonds Droog, and Hearts Boxcars, likely also due to time-related shenanigans.
 * Spades Slick gets a new robotic arm and confronts Doc Scratch. Further events transpire, resulting in Doc Scratch giving Spades a gun to kill Snowman with.
 * With the Handmaid's covert assistance, Hussie bursts through the Fifth Wall to deal with Doc Scratch.
 * The Handmaid escapes in the confusion, but is caught and forcibly recruited by Lord English who sends her back in time as his immortal agent of discord and strife.
 * The Battleship Condescension reaches Alternia. As her final mission after millenia of service, the adult Handmaid battles the Condesce, who kills her and becomes Lord English's slave in her place.
 * Spades Slick finds Snowman and kills her with Doc Scratch's gun, resulting in the end of the troll universe. Its mass is channeled by the Tumor into the creation of The Green Sun.
 * Doc Scratch takes a moment to inform Gamzee that they are all, in fact, suckers.
 * End of the universe: Lord English enters the trolls' universe at the precise moment that it ends. As he is an invincible time-traveling demon, this does not inconvenience him in the slightest, and in fact he uses his trans-temporal abilities to cause the very events earlier in the timeline that will eventually lead to his arrival.

Doomed Timelines
 * Karkat does not trigger the Mobius Double Reacharound Virus. Gamzee goes nuts and kills everyone, then uses their blood to inscribe the honk HONK code into Karkat's ~ATH book. An Aradiabot investigates the carnage, then leaves for the alpha timeline with the ~ATH book.

Troll Session

 * Karkat and his hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Pulse and Haze.
 * Terezi and her hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Thought and Flow.
 * Karkat is stabgreeted by Jack Noir and tries desperately to hide his mutant blood color.
 * Jack reassures Karkat by showing him his own blood color, also candy red. Karkat and Jack form an alliance and begin planning to exile the Black Queen. Karkat also develops a bit of hero worship for Jack. Jack honestly could not care less.
 * Gamzee and his hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Tents and Mirth.
 * After nearly falling to their doom, Equius and his hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Caves and Silence.
 * Aradia and the ruins of her hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Quartz and Melody.
 * Equius reaches LOQAM and gives Aradia her soulbot.
 * Nepeta and her hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Little Cubes and Tea.
 * Tavros and his hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Sand and Zephyr.
 * Tavros's hive is built all the way to the first gate. Unfortunately for him, it's built without ramps. Vriska tries to get him to climb those stairs to no avail, then begins harassing him, making him apologize for his own handicapped state, until Kanaya threatens to upend a load gaper/toilet on her.
 * Vriska then gets her rocket shoes from downstairs and gives their captchalogue code to Tavros, who alchemizes a rocket car with them and heads to the gate. While she is down there, Kanaya cleans up her respiteblock, arranging the broken eight balls and dice into neat little piles.
 * Vriska and her hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Maps and Treasure.
 * Kanaya and her desert oasis enter the Medium, in the Land of Rays and Frogs.
 * Eridan and his hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Wrath and Angels.
 * Feferi and her hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Dew and Glass, just before her server player Sollux gets glubbed to death. She talks with Eridan and proceeds to terminate their moiraillegiance, since the pressures to keep Eridan behaving have taken their toll on her.
 * Sollux's corpse and hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Brains and Fire. Karkat witnesses the aftermath, and cries out of grief. The Trolls' Jack Noir makes a half-hearted attempt to console him, then just starts Bright Slapping him. Meanwhile, Gamzee answers Eridan for him, hearing out the ex-moirail's complaints about getting dumped, then suggests he just chill out and have a Faygo.
 * Feferi arrives at Sollux's hive at LOBAF. She kisses him, waking up his Dersite dream self. That dream self then wanders around Derse, all the while being contacted by Clubs Deuce from future Alternia. Sollux proceeds to blow up his terminal, believing him to be another doomed voice in his head, before jetting off to LOBAF and finding Feferi battling floating brains.
 * Unknown events occur.
 * Aradia appears in the LOMAT and brutally beats Vriska to near-death before dissapearing. Vriska wakes up in Prospit as her dream self and mind controls Tavros into bringing her body to her Quest Bed. Using Tavros to write in her own blood, she explains that she wants him to kill her. Tavros is unable to do it, even when his Exile (Diamonds Droog) tells him to kill her. Vriska dies from bleeding out, but because she dies on her Quest Bed her dream self ascends to the God-Tiers and appears in the Battlefield. Tavros is traumatized to the point where he spends most of the rest of his session dreaming on Prospit, up until the Black King battle.
 * Unknown events occur.
 * Karkat creates the 12 players of his session, and combines their genetic material to create the 12 "Ancestors". They are sent on meteors when the Reckoning begins.
 * During the Reckoning, it is presumed these 24 grubs were sent to both Pre and Post Scratch Alternia, a consequence of the Scratch creating an alternate universe.
 * The trolls battle the Black King. Aradia has her doomed time-clones suppress the King's Vast Glub, while she and Sollux redirect the meteors he sends out back at him. Tavros also helps out by communing with the lusus-sprites and getting them to fight. Sometime late in the battle, Gamzee goes berserk and hits the King for massive damage. Finally, Vriska finishes him off with an incredibly lucky roll of her die.
 * The trolls stand victorious and ready to claim their Ultimate Reward, the right to inhabit the universe they created. However, just as Karkat is about to open the door, the kids' Scratch happens, and from it appears Bec Noir, ready to kill anyone or anything in his way.
 * 10:25:00 Before the Critical Moment (BCM): Bec Noir slices the door to the new universe, rendering the session unwinnable. Aradia sends everyone into a transportalizer to a meteor in the veil, while her clones attempt to fight Bec Noir off, to no avail. One clone attempts to get a shot at him, but he sends Lil' Cal out at her, trapping her. She goes back in time to get intercepted by a meteor heading to Alternia, where it crashes near her hive.
 * 06:12:30 BCM: Kanaya prepares to have a sleeping Tavros amputated, with assistance from Equius. Karkat stops talking with Past Kanaya over Trollian, sees the operation, and passes out from shock.
 * 06:12:00 BCM: Bec Noir destroys the trolls' Prospit. Terezi smells the carnage from afar. After heading back to the computer lab and seeing the operation, she opens up a memo to tell the bad news to everyone. However, her future self from three minutes after cuts in, tells everyone about the disaster for her, and has the memo closed early. The reason for this becomes clear once she receives 413 boonbonds from a future Dave. She has Sollux trace the money donation to its source, which results in finding Dave in his infancy. Terezi, Sollux, and Feferi watch Dave grow up with his Bro. After a failed attempt by Sollux to give him an insulting name, Terezi has him step aside so that she can make first contact with the alien creature. She and Dave proceed to have their very first conversation.
 * 05:12:30 BCM: Karkat wakes up from a nightmare, where his dreamself got slaughtered by Bec Noir, and finds his friends out and about. He promptly issues a blanket ban on sleeping, for reasons he refuses to elaborate upon. Tavros now has his robo-legs, and attempts to walk down stairs with them to hilariously bad effect.
 * 04:13:49 BCM: Bec Noir bisects Dream Feferi and stabs Dream Nepeta three times in the chest before using his power to destroy the trolls' Derse.
 * 04:13:00 BCM: Eridan trolls Rose, who explodes his computer. Aradia says her goodbyes to Sollux and hugs him before exploding in a shower of robo-parts. Simultaneously, her Dream Self, locked within the depths of Derse, wakes up and ascends to the God Tiers as a fully realized Maid of Time. She manages to freeze Bec Noir in time just as he goes in for the kill. Once he snaps out of it, Aradia uses the opportunity to phase through him and head for the Green Sun.
 * At some point, Feferi is asleep on Gamzee's horn pile, in blatant defiance of Karkat's ban.
 * At some point, Terezi puts on a dragonsuit and roleplays with Nepeta. Nepeta leads her to Eridan's hidden pile of incredibly shitty wands.
 * At some point, Kanaya discusses the kids' plans for the Green Sun with Karkat.
 * At some point, Vriska is introduced to the glory of Nic Cage by John. She also gives gives her entire boondollar horde to John to give him an edge over Dave.
 * 03:14:01 BCM: Terezi witnesses Felt Dave get up from the Quest Bed and get his neck slashed by Bec Noir. Visibly saddened, she runs away. Meanwhile, Vriska wakes up from a dream with WV, and tells Tavros about her plan, goading him into challenging her to a duel. He finally works up the courage to face her down, but falls victim to some stairs before he can reach her.
 * Kanaya takes the Matriorb and notifies Karkat that she is going to hatch it within the meteor. However, just as she leaves, Eridan comes in, and knocks her away. He finds Sollux and Feferi resting on the horn pile, and tells them that they need to find Bec Noir, because he intends to join him. Feferi and Sollux, incredulous, attempt to stop him, the latter by challenging him to a duel. However, Eridan's "wwhite science wwand" overwhelms Sollux, and KOs him. Feferi attempts to stop him herself, but she is blasted through the heart, and dies on the horn pile. Eridan and Kanaya face off against each other, but once she glances at the Matriorb, Eridan takes the opportunity to destroy it. Kanaya attempts to slice Eridan in half, but gets a shot of "wwhite science" through her stomach. Assuming she is dead, Eridan leaves.
 * Karkat tries to kiss-revive Kanaya to seemingly no effect, then checks on the other damage just as he notices Doc Scratch messaging him through Kanaya's computer. The Doctor warns him to not "turn [his] back on the body." Karkat turns around and gets a message on his own computer from a sobered, psychotic Gamzee threatening to kill the other trolls and take up painting with their blood.
 * 02:58:00 BCM: Tavros, Nepeta, and Equius respond to a memo.
 * 02:42:00 BCM: Tavros finally reaches Vriska and charges her with intent to kill, but at the last second, she stops him, grabs his lance, and stabs him straight in the loop of his sign. His corpse falls and hits the platform Terezi is brooding on. Seeing this, Terezi conducts a mock crime scene investigation with her team of scalemates Detective Pucefoot, Inspector Berrybreath, and Doctor Honeytongue, each of whom gets discarded. She then goes to kiss-revive Tavros, but his dream self was already dead by this point. At some point during the process of investigating, she loses her glasses, and Gamzee later acquires them.
 * Between 02:42:00 and 00:00:00 BCM: Gamzee sends a message to Karkat through Terezi's glasses, further terrifying him.
 * Terezi comes back to the central lab room, finding Feferi's corpse with two odd puncture marks. Kanaya's body is nowhere to be seen.
 * Karkat drags Sollux to a safer position and contacts Equius, instructing him to neutralize Gamzee if he can.
 * Equius and Nepeta have a feelings jam before Equius orders Nepeta to hide while he goes after Gamzee. Nepeta disobeys this order as soon as Equius is gone, sneaking through the air vents in search of her moirail. From her vantage point in the vents, Nepeta observes that someone has been playing with Tavros' blood and that a jade-blooded creature with very sharp implements is on the loose.
 * Equius cannot bring himself to kill Gamzee, who has no such compunctions against killing him. Nepeta, watching from a nearby air vent, attempts to take revenge, but she is also killed.
 * Sollux wakes up, blind. He pesters Terezi, but their conversation ends when Terezi is bitten by Kanaya.
 * A x3 showdown combo between Gamzee, Eridan, and Vriska is interrupted by Kanaya, who slaps Vriska across the floor, kicks Gamzee in the crotch hard enough to knock him off a nearby precipice, and chainsaws Eridan in half.
 * Terezi wakes up and investigates further while talking to a grieving, Exile-influenced Dave. She comes across Nepeta's dead body, with some of Vriska's items nearby. She then enters a corridor and finds the Homestuck portfolio containing only one of two discs. Later on, she sees one of Nepeta's claws stuck to the floor, with a dare from "Vriska" (really Gamzee using her quirk alongside his). Before she can go near it, however, she falls for the trap and ends up in the secret room with a flash-stepping Gamzee and Lil' Cal.
 * Terezi explores the room, noting the obstructions to the normal exits, and giving the phonograph a listen. However, when Eddie Morton's "I'm A Member of the Midnight Crew" comes on, she takes the record out and places it back in its sleeve, which has a picture of the singer. From it slips Disc 2, but Terezi, being unfamiliar with our human technology, assumes it's a tiny record and puts it in the phonograph. The disc gets scratched.
 * Terezi then gathers her belongings (including her Redglare costume and Pyralspite plush, along with Lil' Cal) and ascends to find Vriska. Meanwhile, Vriska is finishing up Mindfang's journal and attempting to reach John through Rose's computer. She leaves John some vital information about his future predicament and expresses a desire to date him someday.
 * Terezi finds Vriska and accuses her of killing Tavros, Nepeta, Equius, Gamzee, Eridan, and Feferi. However, Vriska can only confirm her involvement in Tavros's death; Nepeta and Equius were murdered by a still-living Gamzee, and Feferi by Eridan, who himself became Rainbow Drinker Kanaya's victim. The higher-blooded Scourge Sister then challenges the other to stop her from killing Bec Noir. Terezi decides to settle it with a coin flip; if the coin lands "Scratch"-side up, Vriska can go ahead and challenge him, but if it lands clean-side up she has to stay and pay for her crime.
 * The coin, influenced by Vriska's luck, lands on "Scratch". After a series of mounting tensions of what each Scourge Sister knows what the other will do, Terezi looks at a doomed timeline to confirm her suspicions, and stabs Vriska through the chest. Vriska struggles to live but eventually succumbs to the wounds (and future events regarding her clock and Slick's use of a certain crowbar) and dies.
 * Karkat, having seen the coolkid poster Gamzee defaced, finds Terezi. They embrace each other as Kanaya and Sollux fondly regard the two. Suddenly, Gamzee comes from behind, armed with the Warhammer of Zillyhoo. The four other living trolls confront him, with Kanaya attempting to auspisticize between Karkat and Gamzee, Terezi going caliginous for the latter, and Sollux having mixed flushed/caliginous feelings for him. However, Karkat pushes aside the girls, and Sollux ends up facing the wrong way, venting his frustration at Lil' Cal. Karkat and Gamzee rush each other.
 * Yet Karkat manages to keep his head clear, not answering the problem with violence. Instead, he becomes Gamzee's moirail, calming the would-be Subjuggulator with shooshes and paps.
 * 00:00:10 BCM: Gamzee stares at the imminent destruction of Jade's Tower's Lab, serene, as the last seconds before the Critical Moment tick by.
 * The Critical Moment: Bec Noir attacks and kills the trolls' Genesis Frog, destroying the Human Universe.
 * Gamzee observes the creation of Jadesprite.
 * Terezi asks Dave to send her past (6:12 on the countdown) self 413 boonbucks.
 * The surviving trolls witness the light from the Tumor's detonation. Sollux psychokinetically pilots the meteor to the Green Sun, eventually dying from the strain.
 * PM arrives in the troll's session, wearing the white queen's wing and ready to face Bec Noir. Serenity and WV's body are with her.
 * Bec Noir quickly absconds after the trolls' meteor.
 * PM uses herself as a portal to the Green Sun by throwing WV into her body. Serenity follows after him.
 * PM flies after Bec Noir.
 * 01:00:00 After the Critical Moment (ACM): Karkat and Terezi participate in a memo begun by their past selves.

Doomed Timelines
 * Terezi lets Vriska fly off to face off against Bec Noir. However, when Vriska confronts him, he simply follows the trail she left behind to the Troll's hideout and slaughters everyone therein. He comes back with the corpses of Karkat and Terezi. Enraged, Vriska griefs with him, and uses her ultimate attack--Ancestral Awakening, activated by rolling all eights on her Fluorite Octet--to do battle. Had the timeline been allowed to continue in this direction, Vriska might well have won, but it would have been a Pyrrhic Victory.
 * In an undefined doomed timeline, Karkat ascends to the God Tiers, and later dies through unspecified means. This dead Karkat is seen in a dream bubble, accompanying a (possibly the) dead Nepeta.
 * In at least one doomed timeline, possibly two separate ones, Eridan and Feferi ascend to the God Tiers and die through unspecified means. These two appeared before the group travelling on the meteor.

Post-Scratch Earth

 * April, 1910: Poppop Crocker and Grandma English land.
 * Colonel Sassacre and Betty Crocker raise them, but at some point Grandma English recognises the Batterwitch is evil and leaves.
 * ??/??/??: A variety of events occur. Grandma English is exiled from society, Poppop Crocker becomes a successful comedian, and Bro Strider and Mom Lalonde become successful artists.
 * December 1, 1995: Presumed landing of Jake English. He is seemingly adopted by Grandma English.
 * April 13, 1996: Jane lands. Her meteor kills Poppop Crocker, age 86
 * At some point, Roxy Lalonde appearifies Jane's pumpkins. Later on she contacts Jane for the first time and tells her about it, but Jane refuses to believe her and Roxy is unable to demonstrate it
 * At some point, Grandma English is killed by the Condesce.
 * April 13, 2009: Jane Crocker's 13th birthday. Jane receives three bunnies from each of her friends - Jake English gives her an Indiana Jones bunny that belonged to his grandmother, Roxy Lalonde gives her a wizard bunny that was owned by her Mom, and Dirk Strider gives her a robot bunny named Huggy Bear, which was built around the stuffed bunny from Con Air (that he stole from his brother's museum). It's implied all three gifts are the same bunny from different points in time, being the B2 counterpart of Liv Tyler.
 * At some point, Jake unconsciously scribbles the BARK code into a journal. Roxy later steals the journal via appearification.
 * A few days before November 11, 2011, Guy Fieri becomes the Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.
 * November 11, 2011 (Also known as 2X3 Prong Day or 3/11): The Sburb Alpha is finally released. Jake and Jane's timeline occurs on this day.
 * 11:11 AM: Crockercorp initiates it's re-branding initiative, changing all the spoon symbols to forks (which resemble the Battleship Condescension).
 * Around 11:24 AM: Jane notices her copy of the Sburb Alpha has arrived and attempts to leave the house to check the mail.
 * She activates Huggy Bear. It defaces the stuffed body of her Poppop, having been hiding under it's head.
 * Around 12:01 PM: After speaking with Dirk Strider, she renames the bunny Lil' Sebastian.
 * Jake English Strifes with the Frightening Fauna on his island home.
 * Lil' Sebastian throws a fridge through a wall in Jane's house, prompting her to throw down her hat in disgust.
 * Jake is saved from a seagoat by Brobot.
 * Jake and Brobot strife epically. Jake blacks out afterward.
 * Jane goes outside to get her copy of the Sburb Alpha from the mailbox. It explodes, knocking her out.
 * Jane is saved from the explosion by a cat-shaped First Guardian. She awakens behind her house, unharmed.
 * Jane returns to her room, which Dad blocks with a bathtub.
 * 1:11 PM: Jane contacts Roxy and receives her pirated copies of the Sburb Alpha. Since Jane has said she'll believe anything Roxy says for one day, Roxy demonstrates her appearifier using Jane's old copy of Colonel Sassacre's unabridged joke book.
 * The joke book accidentally crushes Jaspers/Frigglish when it lands, causing Roxy to log off. She tells Jane not to run the Alpha until she gets back.
 * Unable to wait, Jane installs the Sburb client on the computer. A message from Roxy appears on the installer, telling Jane to step away from her computer.
 * The ~ATH code in the client causes Jane's computer to explode, sending her flying out the window. She lands on a couch on a tree, apparently prepared by GCat.
 * 1:43 PM: Dirk Strider contacts Jane. He has Lil' Sebastian install the actual Sburb client on the computer in Jane's Dad's study.
 * Dirk becomes Jane's server player and sets up the necessary equipment. His Auto-Responder also distracts Dad so that Jane can sneak into her Dad's study.
 * Jane enters the Medium; as she leaves, she catches a glimpse of the Battleship Condescension flying overhead.
 * A volcanic eruption happens over Jake's island, leaving him unconscious.
 * After waking up, Jake prepares to deliver Liv Tyler/Mr. Terry Kiser to the B1 universe and Jade, all at UU's insistence.
 * Jake enters the Medium, the last member of his session to do so.
 * 12/11/11: The Condesce, having made herself known, continues to conquer the world in a slight but steady fashion. Production of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff movies also speeds up in this time.
 * Overall culture, save for Complacency of the Learned books (but not the movies) and Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, continues to degrade. Guy Fieri rewrites the Constitution in its entirety, and begins a mass massacre of humans, being responsible for five billion casualties. Other countries experience similar situations and the thread of human civilization begins to deteriorate.
 * 2024 (13 Post Condescension): Presidents Jay and Dope are elected for a single term (as dual Presidents, not President and Vice President), in "the last free election the world would ever see", and highly degrade the quality of the United States. They proceed to make a mockery of everything. This is considered to be the decline of human civilization.
 * Aproximately 2035 (24 P.C.): Presidents Jay and Dope (having extended their terms) are challenged to a duel by Strider, Dirk's Ancestor. He slays them both in the last gasp of the Resistance, before flying off on a shitty skateboard, never to be seen again. It has no effect on the state of world affairs.
 * Meanwhile, Lalonde, Roxy's Ancestor, challenges Guy Fieri to a battle, and blinds him with her needles, killing him. She then rides his torso down a bloody waterfall.
 * Strider and Lalonde finally catch up with the Condesce. She, however, is much more powerful than both of them and kills them.
 * Approximately 2040 (30 P.C.): The Condesce has conquered the Earth entirely. She begins a variety of programs to try to make humanity into a new empire for her, mostly by making humans more like trolls.
 * All of the Condesce's programs fail. Humanity dwindles to a few remnants while the Earth becomes ever more flooded.
 * The Condesce begins importing Carapacians, who build floating cities and are her willing servants.
 * December 3, 2409 (398 P.C.): Dirk Strider is presumed to land.
 * December 4, 2409 (398 P.C.): Roxy Lalonde is presumed to land. She is adopted by Carapacians in the vicinity of her home.
 * At some point, Roxy appearifies Jaspers into the B2 Universe. She renames him Frigglish.
 * UU contacts Roxy and Dirk and gives them them a modified Pesterchum client that lets them contact Jane and Jake in the past.
 * December ?, 2422 (411 P.C.): Dirk sends Jake Brobot, part by part, for his 13th birthday. Dirk also programs the Auto-Responder in this time.
 * ???? ??, 2424 (413 P.C.): uu jeers Dirk and makes him draw some "porn". After that, the former promises to tell the latter about the twist regarding his sister's fate.
 * November 11, 2425 (414 P.C.): Roxy and Dirk's timeline.
 * Dirk has a brief rap battle with Squarewave, and spends time chatting with his friends and keeping a tab on the goings on Derse.
 * At uu's insistence, he goes to the roof of his apartment, and gets ready to fight the Condesce's imperial drones.
 * Dirk fights the drones for a while before Sawtooth appears and unleashes a barrage of missiles, destroying them all and saving his maker.
 * The Red Miles reach Dirk's apartment as uu makes good on his promise the previous year.
 * Roxy's cat, Frigglish, is killed by GCats interference. Roxy means to send him back to her mother.
 * After the funeral, Roxy has to flee the lab, running from a wayward Carapacian hunting party.
 * Again due to GCat's interference, Roxy's Portal Network is disrupted while she's inside it, and Roxy enters a dreambubble of Meenah, the pre-Scratch counterpart to the Condesce, who attempts to kill her.
 * Roxy flees again, and once inside the lab, continues to run to the roof of her neighborhood, where the Condesce has sent drones to attack her.

Post-Scratch Human Session
Uniquely, the Post-Scratch Human Session occurs during two timeframes. The past, when the Nobles' Dreamselves are active, and the far distant future, where everyone has died and the Nobles begin to enter.

Past Timeline

 * At some point, Her Imperious Condescension takes over Derse as the Black Queen.
 * At some point, Dream Dirk realizes that he is awake on Derse. He feigns sleepwalking in order to gather information.
 * The Condesce orders Jack Noir to have the heroes' dreamselves assassinated.
 * Dream Jake is killed by Courtyard Droll feeding him peanuts in his sleep.
 * Dream Jane awakens in Prospit, and finds that there is a funeral being held for Dream Jake, but then vanishes when normal Jane wakes up.
 * Dream Jane awakens in Prospit again.
 * She sees strange images in the Skaian clouds shortly before she is killed by Jack Noir.
 * Her body starts glowing, so Jack absconds as bombs rigged by Courtyard Droll explode the base of her tower, causing its ball to drop. The ball bounces around and explodes in a courtyard.
 * Dream Dirk is accosted by the Hegemonic Brute with apparent intent to kill. Dirk decapitates HB and wonders how to keep knowledge of his awake-on-Derse status from spreading.
 * Dream Roxy sleepwalks into the Furthest Ring. She enters a dream bubble and sees many other characters, most notably Rose, who she recognizes as her daughter.
 * Dream Dirk decides that he's done hiding, and leaves HB's head on a pike as a challenge to the Dersite royalty. "The Prince is awake. Your shit is wrecked."
 * DD finds said message and alerts Jack Noir.
 * Jack finds Dream Jane, who revived herself.
 * WQ knocks Jack out with WK's staff before Jack can kill Dream Jane again.
 * Jack awakens in a cell and causes trouble before being beaten into submission again.
 * DD puts on the Black Queen's ring and proceeds to send Red Miles to attack Dirk.
 * The Consorts of the Lands begin to leave messages and prepare themselves for the end of their civilizations.
 * The Consorts of the Lands have become extinct, leaving nothing but bones, ruins, and the slumbering Denizens.
 * Dream Dirk and Dream Roxy die, in unknown order.

Future Timeline

 * Jane enters the Land of Crypts and Helium. Her house and sprite quickly disappear down a sinkhole, and she begins to explore.
 * Jane enters the Maid's Crypt.
 * Jane solves a puzzle and causes her house to resurface. Upon reaching her house, she meets Gamzee, who has reached his God Tiers and used Aradia's crystal music boxes to time travel.
 * Gamzee sells Jane a variety of supposed magic potions that are almost certainly the blood of the dead trolls.
 * Gamzee prototypes Jane's Kernelsprite with the bodies of Vriska and Tavros. Tavrisprite almost immediately self-destructs.
 * Roxy enters the Land of P??? and Neon (?).
 * Dirk enters the Land of T??? and Krypton (?).
 * Jake enters the Land of M??? and Xenon (?).

The Furthest Ring

 * Rose pilots the severed moon of Derse through the Furthest Ring. While doing so, she passes through a dream bubble and has a conversation with a sleeping Dave. They are interrupted by the Draconian Dignitary, who stabs Dave's dream projection, forcing him to wake up.
 * After killing DD?, Rose and Dave enter the crypt in the center of Derse's moon, where their quest beds await. They take the Tumor out of its captchalogue card and wait for the countdown to end.
 * The Tumor explodes, creating the Green Sun and killing Rose and Dave, who immediately ascend to the God Tiers. They then make their way to the surface of the sun.
 * Free-floating in the debris of two universes that compromises the Green Sun, in a small, preserved pocket of green-hot spacetime soup, Doc Scratch's dead body metamorphoses into Lord English.
 * Lord English's Cairo Overcoat appears on him and promptly transforms into a time-travelling sarcophagus, transporting him to an unknown point in the Alternia timeline.
 * Lord English releases the Vast Honk prophesized by Gamzee's religion.
 * The Horrorterrors, at Feferi's prompting, glub numerous dream bubbles for deceased dream selves to inhabit.
 * The dead Beta!John and Felt!Dave also occupy dream bubbles. Beta!John is visited by the deceased Vriska.
 * After her dream self's death, Jade has a psychedelic dream of the Squiddles and Feferi, before seeing through to the true nature of the Furthest Ring. In a panic, she wakes up.
 * After entering the Medium, Jade enters a dream bubble once more. She dreams of the time on her thirteenth birthday when she was trolled by Feferi while making the cyborg-bunny Liv Tyler as a gift to John. Suddenly, Feferi appears next to her and hugs the bunny, before revealing that she is dead. Jade wakes up at this point.
 * Aradia arrives at the Green Sun.
 * Sollux's semi-deceased dream self leaves his dream bubble and joins Aradia at the Green Sun.
 * Rose and Dave finally emerge from the Green Sun, and are met by Sollux and Aradia. They all meet up with the other surviving trolls at the meteor.
 * The bucket John sends from the Hussie-verse appears in the furthest ring and hits Karkat in the face.
 * Serenity and WV appear on the meteor, having passed through PM's body. Serenity begs everyone to try to help WV.
 * Aradia and Sollux stay behind and use their psychic powers to send the meteor through the Furthest Ring. The journey is expected to take about three years.
 * During their travels, the group encounters a deceased Feferi and Eridan from a doomed timeline, both God Tier. Feferi uses the Lifey Thing on WV, reviving him.
 * At some point, Rose falls asleep, entering a dream bubble. Roxy sleepwalks into the bubble and briefly catches a glimpse of Rose before they both wake up.
 * Rose and Dave turn fourteen.
 * The meteor enters a dream bubble
 * Terezi relives a pesterlog with Vriska from right after she went blind. However, the Vriska in the dream bubble is, in fact, Aranea, who introduces herself.
 * Dream Roxy bumps into John, who is asleep on the Prospitian ship.
 * Meenah appears and throws her trident at Dream Roxy. John pushes her out of the way, getting stabbed by the trident and waking up. This is witnessed by Dave and Karkat.
 * Jake dreams and enters Aranea's dreambubble. She waves at him briefly before he wakes up.
 * Roxy briefly is trapped in the Furthest Ring during a disruption of her Portal Network, but flees again after meeting Meenah, who attempted to knock her out.
 * Andrew Hussie appears in a dream bubble as a result of his ill-fated attempt to defeat Lord English. He proposes to Vriska, who found him in the Land of Sand and Zephyr, but it doesn't go well.
 * Vriska and Tavros appear in a dream bubble after becoming Tavrisprite.
 * Jake appears in a dream bubble after falling unconscious and relives a memory with Dirk from his 13th birthday.
 * Aranea finds Jake and has him come to a meeting she set up with those on the meteor and Meenah.
 * After various shenanigans (including Aranea indulging in Meenah's obsession with her post-scratch self), Jake mistakes Meenah for the Condesce-to-be instead of the A1 version of her, and starts beating her up.
 * Aranea is forced to bonk Jake awake with Meenah's trident. For some reason Jake's projection of Dirk, who was in the dreambubble since Jake fell unconscious, still exists.

Hussie-verse

 * Hussie draws Homestuck, making occasional self-insert recaps. That's really all there is to say on the matter.
 * Ms. Paint is hired to give his study a nice Felt-green Photoshop makeover. Hussie is impressed and maybe slightly turned on, but is quickly distracted by his frustration with Lil Cal.
 * At some point prior to Terezi's scratching of Disc 2, Hussie ascends to the God Tiers as the fully-realized Waste of Space. Or possibly just puts on one of the God Tier hoodies from his online store. He begins making preparations for the Scratch, placing two Fourth Walls exactly one yard apart and hanging Lord English's coat over one of them.
 * Hussie smashes through the Fifth Wall to deal with Doc Scratch once and for all.
 * Hussie eventually returns to the Hussie-verse and continues writing the story.
 * At some point, Hussie becomes roboticized and orders some expensive green curtain cloth to hang over six window-gear contraptions in a warehouse not far from the study.
 * Lord English's coat vanishes, and Jade's Prospitian ship crashes out through one Fourth Wall and back in through the other.
 * John and Jade consequently coexist with Hussie for the length of exactly one yard, and for a time span of about three nanoseconds. Robo!Hussie tries to exploit this opportunity, but the most he can do in the given timeframe is to level them up and give them the GIFT OF GAB, the ability to simply talk face-to-face without any middle-men.
 * Because of temporal relativity, and possibly because the characters in the comic now need to catch up with time passed in the Hussieverse/real world, Jade and John have to wait for approximately three years on board their Prospitian ship while travelling at warp speed, even though only three nanoseconds would pass everywhere outside the ship. During that timespan:
 * John and Jade briefly see Andrew Hussie but he's distorted because of their size and speed, causing Jade to consider him as "extra-dimensional shenanigan-based phenomena". Andrew puts a green curtain over the walls, blocking himself from their view.
 * John sends a message in a bucket to the group at The Green Sun by using Jade as a gateway.
 * Jade turns fourteen
 * John turns fourteen. An incident involving John, Jade, and Jaspersprite causes John to fall unconscious and enter a dream bubble briefly.
 * Hussie is seen taking care of Spades Slick while dressed up as a common fanart depiction of UU.
 * Ms. Paint gets soup for Spades, only to run into Lord English holding Hussiebot's head.
 * Lord English smacks Ms. Paint with his cane/scepter. Hussie notices this and runs to get Spades Slick. He then throws Spades off a balcony, causing him to land in water.
 * Confronted on the balcony by English, Hussie attempts to shoot him with Doc Scratch's gun, but finds there are no more bullets. He instead throws it at English.
 * English uses his cane, which doubles as an assault rifle, to kill Hussie.

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