Steven Wright/Quotes

"Hermits have no peer pressure."

"Every time I think about the past it brings back memories."

"I used to work in the factory where they make hydrants. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "ok, then forget it"."

"Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"Today I went down to the Hare Krishna temple to try and sell them some airline tickets."

"We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it was, he did, and I said, "No further questions.""

"I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy."

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

"People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns... behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk."

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?""

"My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here.""

"I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, "Is Joey there?" The woman says "Yes."  I said, "May I speak to him please?"  She said, "No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old."  I said, "All right, I'll wait.""

"When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street."

"I have a hobby... I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.""

"My school colors were clear."

"If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger?"

"You know how you stick a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I don't take baths."

"I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone."

"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said "Hi," and she said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said, "Yeah, I guess." I said, "What do you mean 'you guess'?"  She said "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I can't tell you, I don't even know you."  I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane."  I said, "Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.""