After Hours (web animation)



After Hours is a Web Original comedy miniseries produced by Cracked, usually taking place in a diner after the Cracked.com workday has ended. Starring Katie Willert, Soren Bowie, Daniel O'Brien and Michael Swaim as themselves (hopefully not entirely; that would mean Michael's a really, really, bad person), the series main source of humor is the characters discussing and deconstructing various aspects of both modern and nostalgic pop culture.

The show is currently ongoing, although new episodes are posted rather sporadically.

Not to be confused with the 1985 Black Comedy of the same name.

"Katie: I mean, I only get to hear like three percent of what people are thinking and I already hate almost everyone. If I could read minds, I'd probably just end up knocking motherfuckers out."
 * A Mind Is a Terrible Thing To Read: The reason why mind-reading is panned as the ultimate superpower.

"Katie: First we learn that Lorraine is like a danger-slut. She only falls for George in the first place because he's injured, and then in the alternate past, Marty gets injured and she falls for him.
 * All Male Androids Are Perverts: Michael brings up sex considerably more often than Soren or Dan.
 * Alternate Character Interpretation: Discussed frequently. Examples include:
 * Declaring Marty McFly's mother Lorraine to be a hardcore sadist who can only orgasm when danger is involved.

Soren: That's the basic plot of the movie, yeah."

"Katie (to Soren: Why don't you just admit that Batman is a violent, malajusted sociopath who's using his parents' death as an excuse to work out his aggression!?"
 * Saying Edward Cullen would be a better Spider-Man than Peter Parker.
 * Also...

"Soren: She invaded a kingdom, stole his property, and destroyed Jabba. She's a terrorist."
 * Mario is a douchebag, and Princess Peach would be better off with Bowser.
 * Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo = Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha, respectively.
 * Leia as a terrorist.

"Dan: He's an ugly rage monster.
 * The group eventually comes to the conclusion that Mr. Belding had an obsession with Zack Morris and killed his girlfriends.
 * Asperger Syndrome: Michael, in true Cloudcuckoolander form, assumes that everyone has Asperger's in the Batman episode for literally no reason whatsoever. He tries to 'verify' their Asperger's by tossing a random number of coffee sweeteners to the floor of the diner or onto the table and demanding that his victim (in order: Dan, Katie, and Soren) tell him how many he threw. In The Stinger, editor Cody Johnston shows up in a cameo and demands of Katie and Soren (who just had a Slap Slap Kiss moment) who put 31 sugar packs on the floor.
 * Aw, Look -- They Really Do Love Each Other: Michael and Katie. Despite their history, his obnoxiousness and her standoffishness, she (visibly) finds his antics and sense of humor occasionally adorable, and he seems to go out of his way to entertain (and annoy; almost alternating between the two) her.
 * Barbie Doll Anatomy: Mike uses this as a point against Bowser.

Michael: No genitals!"

"Soren: The winner of this conversation will be the first person to say 'Batman's the best' and 'You're an idiot.'
 * Batman Gambit: Soren has a minor one, and in the Batman episode, no less.

Mike: Batman's the best! A-

Soren (deadpan): You're an idiot, I already said it. I've already won, or Batmanned, this conversation."

"Katie: He (Bowser) was a T-Rex in...(realizes what she just said, looks horrified) nothing! (Soren and Mike look shocked, Dan goes berserk).
 * Belligerent Sexual Tension: Katie and Soren have this in spades in the "Why Batman is Secretly Terrible for Gotham" episode.  Also with Michael. They dated and had sex at least once. Mike refuses to let her forget it.
 * Berserk Button: The live-action Mario movie is a big one for Dan.

Dan: IN THE MOTHERFUCKING 1993 LIVE-ACTION MOVIE?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE GONNA SAY?!?!

Katie: I'm sorry, I forgot myself (hangs head in shame).

Mike: He's just mad because they made Toad a goomba (rolls eyes).

Dan: I'm mad because it SUCKED and it's inadmissible evidence in this conversation."

"Soren: You've all been zombies for weeks, (points at Dan) months for some of you.
 * Black Comedy Rape: Michael greedily threatening to rape Christopher Columbus in If You Could Have Dinner (And Sex) With Any Famous Figure. Including a diagram of a Rube Goldberg-style Rape Machine that would take days to work.
 * Butt Monkey: Daniel, and he knows it. He doesn't seem to have a problem with it, either.

Dan: Sure."

"Michael (to Soren): All of the stuff you said about Batman (flashback of Soren angrily defending Batman to Katie plays), man, but now, about THIS!"
 * Call Back: In the Cereal Mascots episode, Michael does an impression of Count Chocula. He later dresses as Count Chocula in the Halloween episode.
 * Also, in the Mario episode.

"Soren: Dan, I'm a survivor. I play to win. I can't risk your slowing me down, or you (to Katie) falling in love with me, or you (to Michael) trying to trade me to the zombies in exchange for leniency.
 * Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: Discussed in "Six Creepiest Sitcom Characters" with everyone coming up for reasons why Judy Winslow and all of Zack's girlfriends disappeared. They eventually decided that Carl and Principal Belding murdered them all.
 * Comedic Sociopathy: Again, Michael, and again, so, so very much.

Mike: I was just thinking that exact thing."

"Katie: Oh my god, don't even get me started on Forrest Gump! You wanna talk about a creepy rape scene?
 * Another example:

Soren, Dan: No, no.

Mike: Yeah, alright."

"Katie: Gordon and Batman both work hard to help the world. But only one of them has to file paperwork and obey the system, while the other one gets to expense smoke bombs and plow Catwoman, and it has nothing to do with who worked harder!
 * Cloudcuckoolander: And yet again, Michael. And, yet again, so, so very much.

Michael: Whaaat? You guys don't expense smoke bombs? How (falters under castmates' looks of derision)...how are you paying for your smoke bombs?"

"Michael: Jesus, they are spending a lot of time in the jump-man era.
 * The guy eats hot dogs with chocolate sauce. Doesn't get any weirder than that.
 * The Cameo: Cody Johnston, one of Cracked's top editors, appears as a waiter in the Batman episode.
 * Closet Geek: Soren. He changed out of his Comic Con costume before meeting up with the others because he's not "out" yet.
 * Crazy Prepared. Katie and Soren in the Mario episode.

Dan: They came a lot more prepared that I thought they would. I told you we should have had cards!

Michael: Fuck your cards.

Katie: (Begins reading from note cards)."

"Soren: The first time that we meet Mario in Donkey Kong, what's he doing?
 * Disposable Girlfriend: Pauline, Mario's girlfriend in Donkey Kong.

Dan: Jumping over barrels and fighting a giant monkey.

Michael: To save Peach! So that they can share delicious ape steak.

Soren: No. Because Peach wasn't in Donkey Kong. The girl in the cage was only introduced as Pauline, his girlfriend.

Katie: Oh, and then when he's done saving her, he either cheats on her or dumps her and moves on to save Peach!"

"Katie: Okay, I will concede that ninja turtle selection is seminal to young boys.."
 * Double Entendre: Katie has a subtle one.

"Michael: No one's running, no one's fighting 'cause there's nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide. So what do we do? Bone."
 * Dumbass Has a Point: The Star Wars episode. Mike, of all people, points out how, other than Leia, there are no female role models in the original movies. Katie and Soren both grudgingly agree that his apocalypse is the best, eventually forcing Dan to go along. Katie's analysis of the four ninja turtles as each representing one of the four humors lends credence to Michael's theory that your favorite ninja turtle reflects your personality. Michael has this more frequently than the others, especially Dan, would like to admit.
 * Endofthe World As We Know It: The "Which Apocalypse Would Be the Most Fun?" episode. The winner? An asteroid that is without a doubt going to destroy Earth. The reason? Everyone Has Lots of Sex, of course!

"Katie: I'm sorry, I forgot myself."
 * Expanded Universe: Mike mocks Dan for his knowledge of Star Wars' extended universe, and forbids all EU material from their discussion of how Star Wars is terrifying for women.
 * Even the Guys Want Him: Daniel is unrepentant about his lust for Benjamin Franklin in If You Could Have Dinner (And Sex) With Any Famous Figure.
 * Dan also has a very noticable crush on Spiderman...which becomes weird, when you consider that he once dresses as Spidey for Comic-Con.
 * Getting Hot in Here: Katie takes off her jacket, revealing tank top and bra straps, and then her glasses when her argument with Soren about Batman gets really intense, leaving Michael bemused and Dan terrified. When Soren finally gives up, they release some of their Belligerent Sexual Tension with a kiss.
 * Fanon Discontinuity: Enforced in the Mario episode, where Katie brings up the live action movie, to the chagrin of Dan, Michael and Soren.

"DOB: You go to a high school that comes to a grinding halt the minute one kid calls in sick. At best, it's a benevolent dictatorship. At worst, it's frigging Jonestown, except your cult leader is a seventeen-year-old who dresses like a lesbian."
 * Four-Temperament Ensemble: Discussed in the "Which Teenage Mutant Turtle Would You Want To Be" episode?
 * Fridge Horror: Another staple of the show.
 * A good example of this is the gang naming Ferris Bueller's high school as the worst '80s high school of all time.

""...do you realize what you just did? You've actually made horror... boring.""
 * Lots and lots of examples from the "4 Ads That Depict Terrifying Alternate Realities", like how in feminine product commercials all women seem to secrete windshield wiper fluid instead of y'know, blood.
 * Also inverts fridge horror, of all things.

"Soren (trying to pee): Dan, I really don't want to talk about here.
 * Funny Background Event: In "Why Mario is Secretly a Douchebag" their waitress looks like Peach and a guy who looks like Mario is working the grill.
 * Heh, Heh, You Said "X": Michael in the bathroom with Dan and Soren.

Dan (pacing back and forth behind Soren): What, did General Mills do a bunch of studies to demonstrate what kids are gonna respond to? And if they did do polls-

Michael (from the adjacent stall, magazine covering genitals): HA! "They did polls!""

"Michael: Hey, if Dan's Goldblum, does that make me Will Smith?
 * Hypothetical Casting: Discussed in the apocalypse episode, for Independence Day.

Dan: No, Soren is Will Smith. You're Randy Quaid.

Michael: That's distasteful.

Katie (to Michael): If you make me the alien, I will punch you in the throat.

Michael (considering): There's a stripper in that movie.

Dan: There it is! You're the stripper. (Katie facepalms)

Katie: I've never been a stripper! Why w-

Soren: Yeah, I think she's the wife of Will Smith in that, so you're not doing too bad.

Katie: She's a stripper.

Dan: She's still a stripper."

"Dan: Well, he's in for a disappointing evening."
 * I'll Be in My Bunk: Michael pulls this in the Ninja Turtles episode. He feels the need to drop everything and run to Blockbuster once somebody clues him in about "pseudo-porn for women" (also known as Sex and The City).

"Dan: So it's really porn for women?
 * Later:

Soren: It's pseudo-porn. It's not what you think. It's just a bunch of people in boring situations where sometimes nudity happens.

Dan: I'm not gonna lie. That sounds amazing."

"Katie: Why does Bowser keep coming back game after game? He rallies enough troops-
 * Insistent Terminology: Michael, again.

Mike: Troopas.

Katie: (Gives Michael a Death Glare) to create armies-

Mike: Armoopas! (gives a 'Did I not just make this clear?' shrug to Soren and Dan)."

"Michael: You have to cull your booty call list?
 * Major Minor Inconvenience: Discussed at length in "4 Ads That Depict Terrifying Alternate Realities".
 * Meganekko: Katie.
 * Mr. Fanservice: Soren.

Soren: *grinning* It's actually more of a booty base. *winks at a waitress*"

"Waitress: Doesn't that kinda depend on what kind of zombies you're talking about? (loud, collective groan)
 * Ms. Fanservice: Katie, somewhat. In the Comic-Con and Halloween episodes, she wears low-cut cleavage-bearing costumes. This is lampshaded in the opening title sequence, featuring four different depictions of the group, one from the mind of each cast member. In Michael's, she wears a stripperific dress and heels (seen in the page picture, an amalgam of the four versions), and in Soren's she wears a slinky dress. In Katie's, on the other hand, she's a bitter-looking spinster, and in Dan's she's a nun.
 * Noodle Incident: Michael and Katie's first date. Also the time they had sex.
 * Also, Michael's Bio-Dome Theorem.
 * Noodle Implements: Michael and Katie's lone (possibly) sexual encounter occurred in a bowling alley. Their first date happened after Mike allegedly won the Indy 500, and an allegedly retarded Katie showing up at Mike's dorm room. Obviously, due to Mike's incredible comedic sociopathy, it is likely none of this is true, with the possible exception of sex in a bowling alley, if only because it's actually (somewhat) plausible (not to mention in keeping with Mike's complete monstrosity) and Katie doesn't state otherwise. Still, Katie was more occupied telling Soren and Dan they only had sex once, because Mike referred to the bowling alley as 'the last place we had sex.'
 * Odd Friendship: Jockish, handsome, sometimes dim Soren and nerdy, unlucky Dan seem to be the closest out of the group of four.
 * Our Zombies Are Different: Aversion stipulated to in their discussion of the merits of a Zombie Apocalypse as a doomsday scenario.

Soren: There's only one type of zombie.

Waitress: No, I mean if you're talking about the 28 Days Later type of zombie-

Dan and Soren: The slow, mindless, disorganized zombies. (Katie and Michael imitate Romero zombies).

Waitress: There's a lot of other-

Dan: OKAY! If you're going to get into every Tom, Dick and rage virus reimagining, we will be here all night. Romero zombies are the only zombies. We literally cannot advance this conversation otherwise. (waitress looks enormously hurt, leaves).

Michael: And you've driven another woman away from us."

"Mike: Are you sure he loves her? I thought he was going to devour her Peach flesh, to get...princess powers, or something.
 * Power-Up Food: What Michael thought Bowser planned for Peach.

Dan: No, he does love her. They say as much in Super Mario Sunshine."

"Soren: That's the problem with any one power. Without the whole suite, they just suck."
 * Progressively Prettier: Katie starts showing more skin as the series has gone on.
 * Protagonist Centred Morality: Raised in the discussion of Ferris Buellers Day Off; when everyone challenges Dan when he claims it's the worst high school in 1980s movies, he points out that they're assuming it'd be great because they're also assuming they'd be Ferris instead of one of the minor characters.
 * The Quisling: Michael gleefully admits that, if a Zombie Apocalypse occurred, he would trade his friends to the zombies in exchange for his own life.
 * Required Secondary Powers: Discussed in a debate about the best single superpower.

"Michael: Dan, you like Donatello because he's a nerd and is open to sex with electronics.
 * Running Gag: Michael accusing the others of having aspergers in the Batman episode.
 * And throwing sugar packets on the table and asking them how many it was, ala Rain Man
 * Someone will inevitably be about to take a bite of their food whenever bodily fluids are discussed.
 * Dan finding some way to include Spider Man into any conversation.
 * Seinfeldian Conversation: The show revolves around this trope.
 * Sex Bot: Dan had one, kinda.

Dan: First of all, 'does machines' is not literal. Second of all, it was a foot massager that I got for my birthday, and I told you all of that a thousand times.

Soren: And not one of us ever asked."

"Dan: Marty gave this random black guy the push he needed to succeed in 1955, the year the civil rights movement started.
 * Shout-Out: In If You Could Have Dinner (And Sex) With Any Famous Figure, Michael briefly mistakes Mary Todd Lincoln's name for Martha Jones Lincoln.
 * The "Robot spider!" aside in "Why the Scariest Sci-Fi Robot Uprising Has Already Begun" has a conference room full of robots given their thumbs up - including EDI.
 * Stupid Sexy Flanders: Benjamin Franklin, according to Dan, was a Pimp!
 * Spider-Man is very seductive.
 * Time Stop: Declared to be the ultimate superpower in "The Best Superpower (is Not What You Think)". Specifically, the Zack Morris "Time Out" from Saved By the Bell.
 * Too Incompetent to Operate A Blanket: Discussed, where the group discusses how one would probably become the smartest person in the world in the world of infomercials.
 * Unfortunate Implications: Dan views Back to the Future as having these for black history, specifically the civil rights movement and rock music.

Katie (bewildered): Okay...so you're saying...?

Michael: Black people invented hoverboards!

Dan: Close. I'm saying I wouldn't be surprised if the original rough draft of Back to the Future was Marty time-traveling and crafting black history. (Gives examples).

Michael: I would watch that movie.

Dan: All I'm saying is that Marty influences history in exactly two ways, not related to parental boning. One, he gives black people the idea for rock music. And two, he gives a black guy political aspirations the year the civil rights movement started.

Katie (conceding): Okay...

Michael: Huh. Why do you know what year the civil rights movement started?

Dan: Why do you not?!"

"Dan: You do realize that he kidnaps Princess Peach, right?
 * Victim Falls For Rapist: Bowser expects it to happen.

Soren: Yeah, because he's in love with her.

Dan: Yeah, and we have a word for people who force their love on someone against their will. Its a...crime word."

"Soren: Wizards are supernatural. What good's a Muggle gonna do?
 * Why Don't Ya Just Shoot Him: Voldemort.

Mike: There's a bunch of us, and we have helicarriers and assault rifles. We killed Hitler, Hussein, and Houdini. You think we can't nuke "Volter-man" into next week?

Katie: He has limitless dark power!

Mike: That he has to aim through a wand. We can shoot people with a thousand rockets. From space. With iPhones."

"Michael: Did that happen? You're the only one that would know.
 * What If: Dan compares Leia going to Tatooine to save Han to George Washington abandoning his troops to rescue Martha during the Revolutionary War.

Katie: Wait, wasn't that what The Patriot was about?"

"Dan: The logistics of warp speed.
 * Wild Mass Guessing: Michael forces Soren and Dan to do this at the beginning of the Star Wars episode.

Michael: No.

Soren: The tactical stupidity of putting your base on a monster-filled ice planet.

Dan: Lando Calrissian as an ideal version of Machiavelli's Prince.

Michael: No to both.

Katie (sitting down): Okay...something about Star Wars.

Dan (ignoring Katie): Jawas as a metaphor for the Armenian Genocide...somehow.

Michael: No, but that's a good idea.

Dan: No, it's not.

Soren: If it's possible to have sex with someone across the room using only The Force.

Dan: Sub-question; is that technically cheating if you're in a relationship when it happens.

Soren (responding to sub-question): No.

Katie: Okay, so what specifically-

Dan: Michael wants to talk about Star Wars but he's making us guess the exact aspect. How improbable it is that Imperial crewmembers have British accents.

Michael (with a flourish): Nay!

Soren: Something about how Chewie can fly a ship like a man but doesn't have to wear pants like an an animal.

Michael: (Gives a long, loud imitation of Wookiee language).

Soren: That was a 'no.'

Dan: That was a 'no.'

Michael: Okay, I'll give you a hint: my wiener is-

Katie: Oh! Women!

Michael: Nailed it."

"Katie: So he loves her, but he just doesn't know how to express it! He's like a very competent Lenny from Of Mice and Men.
 * The Woobie: One of Katie's alternate character interpretations for Bowser. Challenged by Michael.

Mike: Except covered in spikes! (Michael's brain shows a weeping George loading a revolver behind Bowser, on whose spikes are impaled a bird, a dog, Curley's wife, and a bag of chips.)"

"Soren: It's simple. They're just an easily defeated opponent. They're a worse version of normal people.
 * Yaoi Fan: Soren of all people, but when Dan brings up Ferris Buellers Day Off and Michael says he "would be Sloan", Soren imagines Cameron about to make-out with Swaim.
 * Zombie Apocalypse: Soren's preferred doomsday scenario.

Michael: Who you also dominate."