Stargate Verse/Funny

Over a dozen seasons and several movies has given the Stargate Verse plenty of funny moments.

The Series

Stargate SG-1
Stargate SG-1

"Don S. Davis: "I'd be my own damn role, I have the best chair on the set.""
 * At DragonCon '06, a question is popped "If you could play any other role on Stargate who would you be?"

"Mitchell: I am legally required to inform you that this is a naquadriah-enhanced nuclear explosive device. Once we retreat through the gate, it will detonate, completely vaporizing anything within a thousand kilometers. (the Prior continues praying) Mitchell: ...sir, you are aware that you are within a thousand kilometers of this device?"
 * Made even better by another of the cast having a Spit-Take in the background as he says it.
 * And apparently his character agrees, because when he cameos in season 8 he takes the chair with him when he leaves.
 * The episode where the Ori are using preparing to use a Stargate to open a blackhole and power a Supergate. The team brings through the "gate-buster" super nuke, to find a Prior standing there, praying aloud.

"O'Neill: (while drawing on a plate with ketchup and mustard) I'm tellin' you Teal'c, if we don't find a way outta this soon I'm gonna lose it. Teal'c: (cocks eyebrow) O'Neill: Lose it... It means go crazy. Nuts. Insane. Bonzo. No longer in posession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a Happy Meal. (holds up drawing of smiley face) WACKO!"
 * "Window of Opportunity", specifically the "This is a time loop so you can get away with anything" montage ("In the middle of my backswing?!"). And when Colonel O'Neill is explaining to Teal'c what the phrase "lose it" means.

"O'Neill: The thing that really bothers me [about starting the loop over again] is that Daniel's in the middle of asking me a question, and I wasn't paying attention the first time. Teal'c: You are not the only one who must endure some discomfort, O'Neill. (loop begins again; Red Shirt opens a door and hits Teal'c)
 * And also, when the Unscheduled Off-World Activation alarms go off, heralding the reset of the Groundhog Day Loop:

Red Shirt: Oh, I'm so sorry Teal'c! I didn't see you there.

Teal'c: You have said that on many occasions. Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving."

"Lieutenant Kershaw: I feel better just knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs. Daniel: (holds up a knife) Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?"
 * And then one of the first things he does in the "This is a time loop so you can get away with anything" montage is interrupt the Red Shirt's apology by shutting the door on him.
 * And the moment Daniel points out to them that they could get away with anything, they immediately get up and walk out of the room.
 * Also, Daniel Jackson in the episode "The Sentinel".

"Ba'al: You dare mock me?! O'Neill: Ba'al, you know me. Of course I dare mock you."
 * Many of the conversations between O'Neill and the various Goa'uld count as this

"Felger: I brought Coombs with me! O'Neill: (staring in disbelief) Look everybody, he brought Coombs with him!"
 * Much of "The Other Guys", especially O'Neill's reaction to Felger & Coombs' "rescue".

"Felger: Don't panic! Just think... what would Colonel O'Neill do in this situation? Coombs: You want me to shoot you?"
 * Felger and Coombs arguing with each other:

"Herak: This is nothing compared to what my master Anubis is capable of. O'Neill: (lying on the floor, in pain) You ended that sentence in a preposition! Bastard!"
 * Future First Prime to Anubis Herak and O'Neill give us this immortal exchange.

"O'Neill: You're so shallow. Daniel: Oh, please, Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. He's... SO deep. (to Teal'c) Go ahead, tell 'em how deep you are. (to Jack) You'll be lucky if you understand this. Teal'c: (pause) My depth is not relevant to this conversation. Daniel: Ooooh, ya see?! O'Neill: No more beer for you."
 * When Felger and Coombs arrive aboard a Goa'uld ring platform, Felger immediately raises his gun, ducks his head, covers his eyes with his other arm, then slowly turns in a circle while blindly emptying his gun at absolutely nothing.
 * One episode has the group in O'Neill's house drinking beer. While Daniel balances an orange on his beer bottle, Jack explains how The Simpsons are a perfect analogy to the SGC (Burns as Goa'uld). When Teal'c responds skeptically...

"O'Neill: So, what's your impression of Alar? Teal'c: That he is concealing something. O'Neill: Like what? Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it."
 * Except maybe "Urgo."
 * "Row, row, row your boat..." "I don't even know the words!" "Isn't that hot?"
 * Or "Wormhole X-Treme".
 * Particularly the special at the end: "What do you mean it's not a real show?!"
 * in "200", The more obscure plot to steal.
 * Teal'c telling a joke in "Seth".
 * From "The Other Side"

"Jack: Guess I'm going to have to cancel that Oprah interview. Teal'c: What is an Oprah?"
 * What about Sam pointing out that they can probably never go public with what they discover going through the 'gate?

"Ba'al: It's my clones. They want to kill me! Teal'c: (deadpan) That would make all of us."
 * More Teal'c:

"Bratac: I can see why one must rehearse these events... [takes long, long drink of the wine]"
 * The abrupt end of Ryac's wedding rehearsal. After a...spirited discussion on gender roles, both sides of the wedding party storm off, leaving Bra'tac standing alone in the gate room.

"O'Neill: The kid's got two left feet. He's slowing us down! Daniel: Deja vu. O'Neill: Deja vu. Daniel: Deja vu."
 * The scene where Jonas Quinn accidentally convinces Teal'c that he wants to take over the world. "No. No conspiracy. I promise." Almost immediately followed by him reaching into his jacket, very ominously, and pulling out... a banana. It's Jonas.
 * "The Russians are coming."
 * When Daniel has resigned in "Forever in a Day", he walks into Hammond's office to hear Jack complaining about his replacement.

"Lt. Hammond: [asks a question in Russian] Daniel: Niet. O'Neill: Daniel? Daniel: He just asked if we were Soviet sp--... oh."
 * Jack and Teal'c trading bodies in "Holiday".
 * "What's that got to do with filming a plant?!"
 * Most of "1969", with a special mention to Daniel:

"Michael: So your thing, that thing, on your forehead; what's it symbolize? Peace? Teal'c: Slavery. To false gods.
 * Also from "1969":

Michael: Right on?

[...]

Michael: We're even thinking of crossing the border up to Canada.

Teal'c: For what reason?

Michael: You know, man. The war.

Teal'c: The war with Canada?

Michael: No."

"Daniel: Sphere -- planet, label -- name! O'Neill: Following, you, still, not!"
 * Then there's the team returning at the end dressed for the '60s. Hammond's expression was priceless.
 * In the same episode, the entire scene where Daniel and Sam went to Catherine Langford's house pretending to be German friends of her father. Something about Daniel's glasses in that scene always cracks me up.
 * How exasperated Daniel sounds when Jack asks how they can pretend to be foreigners. "I speak 23 languages, Jack, pick one."
 * Also, Teal'c's outfit. The pink tye-dye outfit and the ridiculous fro could only have come from the rest of SG-1 deliberately getting him the craziest thing he could wear, with Teal'c totally unaware they were making fun at him.
 * Not to mention Jack's interrogation. Keeping in mind, this is 1969... "You're right. I lied. My name isn't Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker." Plus Jack's natural talent for annoying anyone who tries to interrogate him.
 * "Go suck a lemon" (said to a character who not long before mentioned having a lethal allergy to citrus).
 * Daniel imitating a ship to make the Unas understand how the Goa'uld can attack. Made doubly hilarious if you remember him doing the same thing on Abydos in the original movie... with a chicken. (That was a CMOF in its own right).
 * The fact that Chakka, Daniel's Unas friend, gives him an incredulous "What the hell are you doing?" look as he does this never fails to elicit laughter.
 * Daniel trying to convince Jack that he's subconsciously leading them to the lost city.

"Rodney McKay: Now that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? "Nothing can stop the destruction that I bring upon you!" Then the 'gate shuts down. "Oops, sorry, never mind.""
 * When Daniel explains his reasoning Carter remains skeptical because while Jack may well be filling in crossword clues with Ancient stargate adresses, he also answered "celestial body" with "Uma Thurman". Ah, Jack.
 * Or how about the time when Daniel was talking about how a robot girl's "attention wanders, it's like she has the mind of a child," while Jack is making faces through a magnifying glass in the background.
 * Talking about Anubis' latest plan to be evil:

"Daniel: Take as much time as you need, run things through proper channels. We're in no rush. Negotiator: (shocked) I'm sure the hostages would disagree with you. Daniel: Why? We're not gonna hurt them. (sees Teal'c staring at him) ... Unless you get cute! In which case there's gonna be, uh, killing and... whatnot. (Teal'c rolls his eyes)"
 * Then, later on, "Yeah, hey, Anubis, this is your agent. You're playing it way over the top, could you get serious, please?"
 * There's a scene in "Ripple Effect" where Asgard scientist Kvasir expounds upon the merits of courage in SG-1's upcoming mission... followed by an abrupt "Good luck" and beaming off the bridge. Daniel comments, "I miss Thor."
 * Vala finding the treasure in "Avalon". In fact, many of Vala's scenes in that episode. "I like your outfit." "Isn't this where I beat you up?" "I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex!"
 * Daniel in "Bad Guys" -- they're supposed to be holding people hostage, and Daniel's pretending to be the leader.

"Daniel: Well, you kept the wrong guy, because I really don't know anything about the ship. Kull Warrior: But you are very attractive. Daniel: (coughs) ... What?... Hey, you know, big guy, I'm flattered, really I am, it's just that, uh, you're not my type. And I'm more than a little disturbed that I might be yours."
 * Followed by Daniel losing his cool when two female hostages start fighting over one sleeping with the other's guy. 'Tis hilarious. Daniel's attitude in that episode in general is just hilarious.
 * A masculine Goa'uld super-soldier hitting on Daniel. It turns out to be Vala, but for that minute when Daniel didn't know that, you just can't stop laughing.

"Vala: "Whatever happens, I just want you to know that..." Daniel: (stuns her)"
 * The Reveal that Vala Is a Girl. Must be seen to be believed.
 * The fight between Daniel and Vala is hilarious as well.
 * In that same episode is this exchange:

"Mitchell: So what are we supposed to do, just start guessing? Vala: Darryl... the Dragon... Mitchell: How 'bout "Smokey"? Teal'c: Perhaps... "Puff". Daniel: (annoyed) Would you just give me a minute?"
 * In "The Quest, Pt 2", when SG-1 (plus a few others) are being chased by a dragon, which Daniel believes can be defeated by "knowing its secret name."

"Col. Dixon: I don't see any indication of anything here. Dr. Balinsky: Take the usual bet on that, sir? Col. Dixon: Sure. Wells? Airman Wells: Abandoned naquadah mine. Col. Dixon: Boring. But good odds. Bosworth? Bosworth: I'm going to put my money on trees, sir.
 * Then Mitchell hatches a plan to kill the dragon by trying to throw a block of C-4 under it, claming "that's where it's weakest," as if he's an expert on dragons.
 * Follow that up with Teal'c making the toss, and the dragon catching and swallowing the C-4 instead. When it explodes inside the dragon, apparently causing nothing more than an urpy tummy, Teal'c is left standing dumbstruck in front of it, eyes slightly wide and visibly gulping. (And if you've watched him for the nine and a half years prior, that sight would be hysterical).
 * The scene where SG-13 walks through the Stargate onto yet another foresty planet.

Col. Dixon: Bosworth's disqualified for being a smart ass. I'll go with two-headed aliens."

"Dr. Balinsky: Oh man, Dr Jackson's going to die when he sees this! Bosworth: What, again?"
 * It didn't hurt having Col. Dixon played by Adam Baldwin.
 * Followed by the immortal line:

"O'Neill: Over my dead body. (beat) O'Neill: I'm sorry, sir, did I just say that out loud? Hammond: I told him you'd give it careful consideration. O'Neill: And that I will, Sir. But I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna say... bite me."
 * When General Hammond tells Jack that they are going to put a Russian officer on SG-1:

"O'Neill: Jaffa, kree! (and later) O'Neill: I said kree!"
 * In "Point of No Return", Teal'c greatly enjoys the vibrating bed.
 * Any time one of SG-1 has to impersonate a Goa'uld, such as Daniel claiming to be the System Lord "the great and powerful Oz" (the look Jacob/Selmak gives him sells it) and Jack demonstrating his extremely limited knowledge of the language.

"Daniel: The name's Olo. Hans Olo."
 * Daniel attempts improvisation again in "Prometheous Unbound", trying to pass himself off as a bounty hunter.

"Tanith: Why have I been left out of such important discussions? Teal'c: (matter-of-factly) The Tok'ra did not wish Apophis to be informed."
 * Teal'c again, when talking to Tanith, a known Goa'uld spy among the Tok'ra:

"O'Neill: Three days from now? That's a Thursday. Thursday's not good for us."
 * O'Neill after hearing about an attack planned by Anubis.

"Villager: They say they are friends. Elder: "No one can be a friend if you know not whether to trust him." O'Neill: "Don't judge a book by its cover." Elder: "Enemies promises were made to be broken." O'Neill: And yet, "honesty is the best policy." Elder: "He that has too many friends has none!" O'Neill: Ah, but... "birds of a feather." Elder: I'm unfamiliar with that story. What lesson does it teach? O'Neill: It has to do with flocking. And... togetherness... and... to be honest, I'm not sure of the particulars myself."
 * O'Neill and a nomad elder having a pithy saying competition:

"Mitchell: Oh, please, Mary Poppins is not even in the run! Carter: Hey!"
 * When one of the team has to pose as a drug dealer, Mitchell immediately discounts the others as credible actors for this role, including Carter:

"Hammond: In the future, Major, I would like to be informed prior to you activating any device whose name includes the word "reactor"."
 * This exchange is now available as a YTMND here.
 * Carter excitedly activates an experimental energy reactor... which causes a complete shutdown of the base's primary power systems.

"Teal'c: If a dispute between a Jaffa and his wife cannot be settled, it necessitates a pledge break. It must be offered by one and accepted by the other. Daniel: And if even that is refused? Teal'c: A weapon is required."
 * Teal'c explains Jaffa divorce customs.

"Daniel: The System Lords can't be trusted, either as a group or individuals. They're posturing egomaniacs driven by an insatiable lust for power, each one capable of unimaginable evil.
 * Daniel briefing Weir prior to negotiating a treaty with the System Lords:

Weir: See, why should I be nervous? Sounds like an average day at the United Nations."

"Carter: So what didn't they go for? O'Neill: The name I suggested. Carter: For the ship? O'Neill: Yeah. Carter: Yeah. Sir, we can't call it the Enterprise.
 * I love that one frozen Replicator from "Reckoning" that falls down when THAT WAS PRICELESS!
 * Also funny from that scene: most everyone just stops and stares in confusion when the Replicators suddenly halt in their tracks. But not Jack, who just says "Huh. Weird." and continues shooting.
 * Teal'c accidentally attending Vagina Monologues. The sheer unexpectedness of scene, and the look on Teal'c's face, was just hilarious.
 * From the Season 6 episode "Unnatural Selection":

O'Neill: Why not?"

"Mrs. Mitchell: Well then, I take it that you two are…quite um… Mr. Mitchell: Serious? Vala: Oh. Absolutely! Well, I mean at first it was just sex, sex, sex, in all rooms of the house at all times of the day! But uh, well, once we got a chance to get to know each other, we formed a deeper connection. A spiritual bond, you might say."
 * In episode 10.15, "Bounty", Vala has accompanied Mitchell back to Kansas for his high school reunion. Mitchell's left the table for a moment, and his parents get the wrong idea, which Vala does nothing to dissuade:


 * What really clinches it is that when Mitchell returns to the table, his father gives him a "you dog" look.