Executive Meddling/Quotes

""There is no idea so good it can't be ruined by a few well-placed idiots.""

- Scott Adams

""In a master stroke of UPN programming brilliance, Dilbert follows Shasta McNasty, a show geared toward viewers who are... how can I say this... very likely to die in bowling ball cleaning machine accidents. Fortunately, Shasta is a filthy and sophomoric show, so it will corner the market on perverts and unsupervised minors. It's a perfect lead-in audience for an animated Dilbert TV show. If you don't understand that, you will never be a television executive.""

- Scott Adams

""Audiences are fiercely protective because they know that if four TV executives are stranded on an island with a crate of food and a can opener, three will starve to death and the fourth will choke on the can opener.""

- This Cracked article.

""Creative Reasons" has been an Executive Bullshit excuse for DECADES. It IS financial. AJ is a dreamboat. And yes, I am hurt, too."

- Paget Brewster

"Just as what goes into a game product is specifically listed and detailed beforehand, what appears in novels is too - and our prose is rewritten. TSR book editors can tell you what battles I have with them... I want to write like Guy Gavriel Kay, but I have to put in 'guys fighting and dying every 8 pages.' If I don't change things, editors do. The current aim of FR novels is to introduce and explain things to NEW readers (don't just bring this umber hulk onstage, describe exactly what it looks like; these may be non-gamers who've never seen a Monster Manual), so this leads to a lot of 'look what I'm doing! I'm plotting the ovethrow of the free world! And here, so I don't forget it for myself, is the dastardly plan I've worked on for twenty years' sort of writing. I could go on...but that's unfair to everyone involved; I'm sure both the editors and readers have their own legitimate beefs. For the record, over a third of Spellfire was cut from my original, and all the dialogue rewritten; readers of a first printing can find the "corpse" of a character falling between rocks, only to spring up again, fit as a fiddle, and fight on (an editor combined two characters, removing one throughout the novel), and also find references to scenes now gone from the narrative, etc. The extra dracolich battle at the end was added in, etc. (my take: They're fighting dracoliches AGAIN? Why?). ALL of Manshoon's meetings and plottings scenes were dumped as 'static, not advancing the action' (note, not 'plot,' 'action'). [...] The 'endless clones' things was my frustrated response to the TSR 'good must win' Code of the day (yes, the Zhents were made into bumbling Keystone Kop pushovers), in which one editor said that Manshoon must be killed, or no victory has been won, and another editor saying 'But he has to survive to face them again and again - too good a villain to waste!' As a game designer, I went for the solution that gives the most play possibilities: a Manshoon who can pop up again and again, to menace anew. I was frustrated beyond description when this started to get used in a farcial way (for movie buffs, consider the 'strangling admirals' throughout THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, meant to demonstrate Vader's ruthlessness, but which always cause audience amusement by the third death scene; that's how humans react to horrible things thrown at them too often). Please, all of you, be aware that quite often what goes into a product isn't up to the whim of the gal or guy whose name is on the cover; if I leave something out, someone else will put it in, and only the recent administration has let me see typeset galleys before something goes into print... I refuse to accept [the] contention that I bear the responsibility when my name's on it, if I don't see what text has been added, deleted, or altered before I buy it at my local game store (yes, that's what happened with [City of Raven's Bluff], and it used to be the rule with everything). I am exasperated with what's happened to Manshoon, but I'd thought that enough hints were still there that you could see this man was playing a double game (a la the ruler in Donaldson's Mirror of Her Dreams/A Man Rides Through/Mordant's Need novels). Moreover, in Spellfire's early scenes, Manshoon is exasperated, too: for the first time in years he did something he knew was a mistake (trusted an underling), and it's blowing up in his face. I accept that it doesn't look that way. Gods, if I had the change to revise and restore those two novels! (And others.) But that's the way the world is. For example, I'm doing two novels for TOR, and my editor is an ex-TSR editor. I tried, in the first one, to get away from the 'fast, light action, guys fighting all the time' style TSR asked me to adopt (oh, yes; in university I used to write pastiches of Wodehouse and Dunsany that more than once fooled readers into thinking they were reading the real thing), only to be told to drop it and get back to 'what the readers wanted.' Writing for TSR is work for hire. From the beginning, text has been changed in-house; that's why I never like to see posters on the list saying "X must have been thinking thus, because in YYY he writes..." or "Y's characters are always so ZZZ; he must be a XXX." It's not fair, and it's rarely even close to accurate."

- From Ed Greenwood's answers on the Forgotten Realms Mailing List

"Ed was all about showing off the ENTIRE Realms, so DMs would early on really feel what it was like to have steamy jungles AND howling glaciers, pirates in the tropics and grim northern warriors, etc etc ad infinitum. Ed would have given us a Mirt doing nasty mercantile swindling in the streets and back alleys novel, a Dabron Sashenstar exploring hitherto unchartered wilderness novel, a novel from the point of view of elder dragons trying to fight off human incursions into their domains novel, a dwarves fighting internally to either promote or resist change that's being forced upon them by humans, a "what life is like down in Undermountain" novel, a "traitor amongst The Simbul's apprentices" novel, a "growing up as an enslaved, beautiful, ambitious female in Thay" novel, and so on and on. Yes, ALL of those were outlined in Ed's plans. Ed never intended the Realms to be a place of signature characters and concentrating on the Knights or anyone else. He wanted it more like Terry Pratchett's Discworld, where recurring characters can show up in any book, but each book tells a story all its own. Sigh. So much lost. .."

- The Hooded One, Lady Herald of Realmslore.

"I am the entertainer And I've come to do my show You heard my latest record It's been on the radio It took me years to write it They were the best years of my life It was a beautiful song, but it ran too long If you're gonna have a hit, you gotta make it fit So they cut it down to 3:05"

- Billy Joel

"Guano: But... but you said you'd never tamper with my creative vision. Ozu: (Calmly) I didn't tamper... (angrily) I lit it on fire -- and danced on the ashes!"

- Kappa Mikey

"I made him a flushed, dishevelled, bedevilled scallawag, with his helmet at the back of his head, and the living fear of death in his eye, and the blood oozing out of a cut over his ankle-bone. He wasn't pretty, but he was all soldier and very much man. [...] I did him just as well as I knew how, making allowance for the slickness of oils. Then the art-manager of that abandoned paper said that his subscribers wouldn’t like it. It was brutal and coarse and violent, -- man being naturally gentle when he’s fighting for his life. They wanted something more restful, with a little more colour. I could have said a good deal, but you might as well talk to a sheep as an art-manager. I took my "Last Shot" back. Behold the result! I put him into a lovely red coat without a speck on it. That is Art. I polished his boots,--observe the high light on the toe. That is Art. I cleaned his rifle,--rifles are always clean on service,--because that is Art."

- Dick, The Light that Failed by Rudyard Kipling.

"I'm sick to death of being fucked about by men in suits sitting on their fat arses in the City!"

- John Lennon

"Now, in fairness, this storyline was an editorial mandate. In fact, most of these turns to evil were editorial mandates, further proving that editors aren't writers, so they should STOP PRETENDING THEY ARE."

- Linkara

"This attitude continues to baffle me. Editors, if you want to tell your own stupid story, write your own script! It is not your job to write for the writer! If there's a problem with the script, talk to the writer and fix it with them!"

- Linkara

"All we ever want is indecision All we really like is what we know Gotta balance style with adherence Making sure we make a good appearance Even if you simply have to fudge it Make sure that it stays within our budget"

- The Stressed Reprise of "Stitching it Together (Art of the Dress)", My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic

"Crow: Okay, The Final Sacrifice: The Series— Mike: The name goes. Crow: What? Mike: Never liked the name, the name goes. It’s banal. Crow: But if you’re hoping to connect the series with the movie, Mike— Mike: I need something like, oh, Night Mistress. Crow: Night Mistress. Mike: Yeah, or Cloochie and the Lieutenant, something that’s gonna seduce people, really connect with 'em. We’ll work on that. Crow: Ooookay, okay. So you got Rowsdower, and he roams through Canada, and he’s got his little pal Troy and they get into all sorts of scrapes but they help people— Mike: Alabama. Crow: ...What? Mike: Alabama, Chicago, Cleveland! No, I like Alabama, you like Alabama? It’s your show. Crow: L-look, to me Canada is the essence— Mike: Pittsburgh, we’ll do it in Pittsburgh. Crow: Well I suppose if you actually film it in Pittsburgh— Mike: Naw, we’ll film it in Canada, have to. (beep) Hold on. Yeah, Judy? ...Okay, thanks. You got two minutes, Gutenburg’s people are coming in. Crow: What do you mean, "Gutenburg’s people are coming in?" Mike: What I mean is you just lost a minute, go. Crow: Sorry, sorry! So, uh, the lead character is Rowsdower, of course— Mike: The lead character’s the kid, Sparky McCoolahan or whatever the hell his name was – you like that name? I never liked that name. Crow: That’s not his name... Mike: But I like all the funny beer stuff you get with that Rowsdower guy, him being a hopeless drunk and all that. He’s loveable, y’know: he falls down, he’s sick a lot, but he’s loveable. And the kid? Kid works in a brewery. Crow: I actually had an hour-long drama in mind. Mike: What, you’re one of those Dennis Franz freaks, huh? Crow: Now wait a minute! Mike: Wait, wait, gimme a second here, I’m going somewhere, I’m there, I’m there, this Rowsdower guy: full frontal, y’know? Couple times a season, tasteful, low lights, just a hint – (beep) hold on. Yes, Judy? I know. You got thirty seconds. Crow: So this main character, uh, Sparky— Mike: Has a friend, a girl. Hell, he’s a girl too, there’s a lot of girls, they’re all roommates. There’s a goofy girl, a serious girl, a cheerleader, a loose girl, everybody in the damn series is a damn girl— Crow: Yeah, but Rowsdower— Mike: A big hairy girl! (beep) Yes, Judy! Tell you what, I’ve got a show idea for you, you get out of my office until you give me an idea I can use. Now I gotta go meet Gutenburg’s people..."

- Mystery Science Theater 3000

""It's called 'Show Business,' not 'Show Art.""

- Maggie O'Connell, Northern Exposure

"''So Pinky and The Brain share a new domain. It's what the network wants; why bother to complain?"

- Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain

""What you have to remember is that in the movies there are two types of people 1) the directors, artists, actors and so on who have to do things and are often quite human and 2) the other lifeforms. Unfortunately you have to deal with the other lifeforms first. It is impossible to exaggerate their baleful stupidity.""

- Terry Pratchett

"There's something wrong with Gilligan's Island! The skipper seems more sedate than usual! He is wearing a bright orange jumpsuit! And where are the palm trees? Mr. Howell now has the power to fly! The role of Mary Ann is now being played by Kareem Abdul-Jabar! Ginger is 500 feet high! She is made entirely out of zinc! I don't remember her being that way in the first season!"

- Radio Free Vestibule

"Movie executives do not lead happy lives. If you are an executive, this is your day: a scruffy man in a Hawaiian shirt walks into your office and says, "I need you to be personally responsible for giving me one hundred million dollars so I can go to Ireland and have people who pretend for a living act like they're fighting imaginary dragons." "Will I get to see the dragons first?" you ask hopefully. "Oh, no the dragons won't exist until after we're done shooting. The professional pretending people will be yelling at sticks. Occasionally, they will flee from a mop." And your job, as the exec, is to write him the check. Any sane man would break."

- John Rogers, in one of the screenwriting articles on his blog

"This led to one of my favorite Hollywood moments. After I turned in my next-to-last draft, the executives looked at me, very seriously, hand on knee, low subdued tones: "John, we really like this last draft, but one thing bugs us. The whole idea of the north and south pole switching places -- it's WAY over the top and unbelievable. It just reeks of bullshit." Deep breath. Okay, I shrug. What did you have in mind? "Welllll, how about ... A GIANT LASER THAT SHOOTS INTO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH!" ... This, by the way, is why screenwriting pays so well. They don't pay me to write. I'd write for free. They pay me NOT to punch people in the neck."

- John Rogers, explaining why The Core ended up like this (comment on a blog of David Brin)

"One likes to believe in the freedom of music But glittering prizes and endless compromises Shatter the illusion of integrity"

- Rush

"''"I want to thank the studio for sticking to their convictions— and firing me for sticking to mine."' '"

- J. D. Shapiro, on Battlefield Earth.

""Nothing can ruin a good idea like a roomful of men.""

- Denise, Trust Me

"One of the things that comes to mind, having made it quite clear what the American office was doing, what their job was. The president of ITC came over, while we were in production. And we put three of the latest finished shows in the theatre, for him to see. He went went off and saw about three hours of our productions. When he came back, I thought he was going to say "Gerry, they're absolutely terrific". Instead of which, he came back absolutely white as a sheet. I remember saying "Abe, what's the problem?" "I've just seen three shows, Gerry. And there's not one monster in any of them." I was completely thrown. I said "Monsters?" He said "Don't you know, in America, it's the thing. Anything that's any good has got monsters in it. People love monsters." So I said "You want us to put monsters in from now on?" He said "absolutely, as quick as you can." He went back to America. And a couple of days, we have got every monster maker in the country on our payroll. There were men running up and down the corridors in rubber suits. And rehearsing various parts they were going to play as monsters. And we put monsters in some of the shows. I think it was about three months later, Abe came back. And I said "ok, there are three of the latest pictures in the theatre for you to see". And he went over, and three hours later he came back, and again he was white as sheet. I can see he was very angry. I said "now what?". He said "Gerry, you've got monsters in the shows." I was just stunned. I said "Well, of course we got monsters in the shows. When you were last over, you asked that we should put monsters in the shows". And he said "Yes, but I that was then. Monsters are out of fashion now on America". Well, I give that as an example of how people were trying to help. Well meaning can really damage a show. I have to tell you that today, I'm talking about 2005, I will not tolerate anybody giving advice or trying to help. I make a stipulation that I'm the only one to make decisions, and never again will I make a show where I have other people involved."

- Gerry Anderson