Shrek/Funny

Shrek and its sequels are simply packed with Shout Outs and Crowning Moments of Whatever, but this is for genuine moments of Funny that don't need to actually parody somebody else to be funny. Pick a few you think are especially good.

Shrek
"Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than you think. Donkey: Example?... Shrek: Example? Okay, umm... ogres... are like onions. Donkey: [Sniffs onion in Shrek's hand] They stink? Shrek: Yes- NO! Donkey: Oh, they make you cry! Shrek: No! Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs? Shrek: NO! [peels an onion] Layers. Onions. Have. Layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers... you get it, we both have layers! [Sighs and walks off]] Donkey: [Beat] Oh, you both have laaayers... [Sniffs onion on ground and makes face] You know not everybody like onions... CAKE! Eeeeverybody likes cake. Cakes have layers! Shrek: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres... are not... like cakes. [Walks off] Donkey: [Beat] You know what everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious! Shrek: NO!! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story- bye-bye!.... See you later. [Walks off] Donkey: [beat] Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the damn planet... Shrek: You know what? I think I preferred your humming. |undefined"
 * From Shrek 1, there's Donkey realising that Dragon is a girl dragon, and starts complimenting her on reeking of feminine beauty and babbling about not being ready for a relationship of this magnitude. Even better? She goes from pissed off and ready to eat him to being head-over-heels in love with him.
 * The entire ogres are like onions bit. This troper has the dialogue memorized.

"Keep your feet off the grass. Shine your shoes, wipe your... FACE!"
 * "This is the part where you run away."
 * "We gonna stay up all night, swappin' manly stories, and in the morning -- I'm makin' waffles!"
 * When Shrek and Fiona start making balloon animals, from real animals.
 * "What you're doing- do the opposite of that!
 * "Now hand me that big old rock the one that looks like your head."
 * (groans) "You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy!"
 * "Celebrity marriages...they never last do they?"
 * Donkey's just made of these.
 * Whenever Donkey appears onscreen while singing I'm a Believer. Same thing with the Shrek Karaoke Dance Party, where he sings Baby Got Back. (With Dragon shaking her backside to his tune)
 * Gingy's interrogation is made of funny.
 * Duloc is indeed the perfect place.


 * Shrek takes a groin shot while he, Fiona, and Donkey are escaping from the dragon's castle (Shrek's holding the smaller two while sliding down a stone banister that has a large bump appropriately placed). His eyes cross, but (being an ogre) he shakes it off more quickly than a human would.
 * "Dead broad OFF the table!"
 * "I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'."
 * Donkey, after Shrek roars at him to try to scare him away. "Wow...That was really scary. Now, if that don't work your breath would certainly get the job done because you definitely need some tic tacs or something cause your breath STINKS!"
 * The nervous Donkey has to be goaded into crossing a rickety rope-and-plank bridge over a volcano. He says, before they set out, "Don't look down." Donkey actually manages not to, though he seems like he's about to try once or twice... and then he puts a foot wrong and ends up with his face poking through a gap in the planks. "SHREK! I'M LOOKIN' DOWN! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
 * During that same scene, Shrek accidentally puts too much force onto the bridge and makes it swing violently. After seeing Donkey freak out at him for doing that, he decides that Donkey needs some tough love to get over the rickety bridge and proceeds to deliberately cause the bridge to swing wildly complete with shit-eating grin. Donkey backs away screaming about how he's going to die... only to be perfectly fine as he makes it across.

Shrek 2
"Messenger: Enough, Reggie."
 * The bit near the beginning as Shrek, Fiona and Donkey are traveling to Far Far Away, and near the end, Donkey complains of boredom. Shrek retaliates his "Are we there yet?" by mimicking him, and after suggesting he find some way to entertain himself, Donkey makes popping sounds. The last pop causes Shrek to go berserk.
 * The exact dialogue escapes me but when Shrek and Fiona arrive at Far Far Away, first the shock of the crowd upon seeing Fiona as an ogre is hilarious, and then Shrek and Fiona, and King Harold and Queen Lillian have a rapid overlapping dialogue sequence.
 * Don't forget the part where a passing dove sees Shrek and Fiona and gawks at them before flying straight into the wall and landing at Harold and Lillian's feet...
 * And then a lone baby starts crying offscreen.
 * Another sequence of funny is Shrek and Harold being extremely unpleasant to each other over dinner. Meanwhile Lillian and Donkey are, by contrast, trying to make polite conversation and being very friendly, and poor Fiona is stuck in the middle of it all.
 * This loses something in writing, but early in the film, when the King and Queens messengers arrive at the swamp, dozens of buglers line up and play a typical fanfare as the messenger strolls through the centre of them. The fanfare ends, but for one guy who goes off into a trumpet solo of the Hawaii Five-0 theme. The messenger whacks him over the head with the scroll and says, completely deadpan,

"Fiona: "Shrek!" Donkey: "Fiona! That potion﻿ worked on you too!" Fiona: "What potion?" Donkey: "Well, you see, it's a long story. But me and Shrek drank this magic potion, and now well, we're sexy!" Fiona: "Shrek?" Puss: *Licking himself* *Turns around* "For you baby, I could be.""
 * The following...

"Donkey: "What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! "
 * When Shrek, Donkey, and Puss In Boots are in the dungeon:

Shrek: "Donkey, you have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.""


 * Pinocchio wearing ladies underwear, a thong to be exact. That is all.
 * Puss In Boots following seeing a touching moment between Shrek and Fiona. "Whatever happens: I must not cry. You cannot make me cry."
 * At the beginning Fiona throwing the mermaid kissing Shrek back into the ocean and Shrek doing the Bridal Carry to Fiona smashing her into the doorframe.
 * Donkey describing the saddest night of his life, "... And then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling out 'Pinata! Pinata!' What is a pinata anyway?"
 * The three girls who discover the newly human Shrek dramatically gasp (and smile) when Donkey says "First we need to get you out of those clothes."
 * Donkey accidentally nailing Shrek in the groin.
 * "MAMA?!?"

Shrek 3
"1: First, Fiona pushes the statue to open a secret passage. Look at where the statue of the Frog King Harold ends up - kissing the statue of the horse's butt. 2: Then Prince Charming runs in on Big Bad Wolf, the Three Little Pigs, Gingy, and Pinnochio all sitting there casually eating tea and crumpets together like they're all nice and friendly and absolutely nothing's going on. Contrast this to the fact that you saw Fiona and her friends doing this a few seconds ago. 3: Then the complicated scene where Prince Charming goes to Pinochio and demands he tell him where the princesses have gone because he can't lie. He desperately tries to worm his way out of it with convoluted excuses, until he frustrates the Three Little Pigs so much that one of them simply blurts it out."
 * One of the crowning moments of funny I always remember from Shrek 3 is Fiona and her friends' first attempt at an escape. It's quite a prolonged joke, rather than the genuine escape later, which is more of a Crowning Action Sequence.


 * Prince Charming: (addressing Shrek) "You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are not familia-a-a-a-a-a-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!" (cue a pair of glasses and a pearl string in the audience breaking to pieces)
 * The scene where the nerds are laughing at Shrek and one suddenly gets a nosebleed. Just the way his expression changes.
 * How Pinocchio gets around Prince Charming's interrogation trap: "On the contrary, I’m possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn’t probably be, if that indeed wasn’t where he isn’t. Even if he wasn’t at where I knew he was..."

Shrek 4

 * "Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable?"

Shrek the Musical
"Fiona:(while tearing one of her books to pieces) Cut the villains, cut the vamping Cut this fairy tale Cut the peril and the pitfalls! Cut the puppet in the whale!
 * Fiona's Sanity Slippage during her "adult" part of I Know It's Today

Cut the monsters! Cut the curses!

Keep the intro! Cut the verses!

And the WAITING, the WAITING, the WAITING, the WAITING... !

THE WAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIITIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!

(sweetly) But I know... he'll appear

Though I seem a bit bi-polar..."