Cool as Ice

""When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add ice.""

A very strange 1991 film starring Vanilla Ice.

In it, Ice is the leader of a biker gang who falls in love with a pretty honors student. Her family is in hiding from bad guys (don't expect this to be adequately explained). Her father assumes Ice is one of them just because... well, just because he is Vanilla Ice, basically. But Ice eventually saves the day and all is well in the end.

Oh, and Naomi Campbell makes a cameo in the opening credits.

"Kathy: Okay, I know I had it when I left work, because when I left work I put my check in it. And then I went straight to Nick's house and I didn't touch it at Nick's house...
 * Catch Phrase: "Yup yup."
 * Chekhov's Gun: The noisy machinery at the construction site. Don't expect this to make sense.
 * Cool Bike
 * Cool Old Guy / Cool Old Lady: The two old people in the bizarre house are probably the most interesting characters in the movie.
 * Dance Party Ending
 * Design Student's Orgasm: The house belonging to the Cool Old People. It's just the cherry on top of the WTF sundae that is this movie.
 * But it is the fricking cherry!
 * Dreadful Musician: The 'performers' at the Sugar Shack, who somehow make Vanilla Ice sound good(ish).
 * Dull Surprise: All over the place, but mostly from Kathy's father.
 * Flippant Forgiveness: Kathy's fiancee watches her dance with Vanilla Ice at a party, and afterward takes her aside and forgives her for it. This is meant to be seen by the audience as evidence that he's a pompous asshole and she'd be better off dumping him for Ice.
 * Heh, Heh, You Said "X"

Tommy: Haha!

Kathy: Shut up."


 * I Am Not Leonard Nimoy
 * Idiot Ball: Way to show up on television while you're in the Witness Relocation Program, Mr. Winslow.
 * Jerk With a Heart of Gold: The movie seems to be trying to portray Ice as one. Whether it succeeds is up to interpretation.
 * Music Video Credits Sequence: Both opening and closing credits; this is a vehicle for Vanilla Ice, after all.
 * Obviously Evil: The two crooks, to an absolutely laughable extent.
 * Pac-Man Fever: Averted; Kathy's little brother is occasionally seen playing various NES games, none of which involve wild controller mashing or Atari sound effects.
 * Plot Hole: Where to start...
 * People randomly end up with each other's possessions. It's...possible that Ice might have picked Kathy's wallet out of her purse, but how the hell did she get his driver's license?!
 * Where does an elementary school kid get a motorcycle helmet?
 * How'd Ice get that ice cube into her room without it melting all over his hands?
 * Rummage Sale Reject: Ice wears all sorts of absurd outfits throughout the movie.
 * Scenery Porn: It's one of the best looking bad movies in existence. The cinematographer would later win two Oscars.
 * Stalker With a Crush: Ice comes across as one of these; most notably, he sneaks into Kathy's room one morning and wakes her up with (what else?) ice. Of course, since this movie is out of touch with reality, she finds this charming as opposed to horrifying.
 * Straw Loser: Pretty much everyone in the town is one of these, to try and make Vanilla Ice look cool. Particular mention goes to the...characters performing at the Sugar Shack.
 * Stupid Crooks: The aforementioned bad guys decide to kidnap Kathy. To do this, they stalk her in their car -- in the middle of an empty street at night, with their headlights on, following her from only 5 meters away, while driving at 4 mph. Did we mention that Kat is walking down the street? Real stealthy, bad guys.
 * That Reminds Me of a Song: "The People's Choice".
 * Totally Radical: Doesn't even begin to describe it.
 * Tsundere: The only conceivable explanation for why Kathy acts the way she does; aka, randomly falling in love with a guy who's done nothing but be a Jerkass to her.
 * Unintentional Period Piece: It just screams early 90s.
 * We Care: "b kool stay n skool" in the credits. Ouch.
 * What Could Have Been: The role of Kathy was originally offered to Gwyneth Paltrow, whose father Bruce forbade her from accepting it, because of the sexuality in the screenplay. Judging from how hard the film bombed and how many great films and shows Paltrow's starred in since, she probably owes her father a huge favor.
 * Whole-Plot Reference: Oddly enough the film lifts the plot and names of various characters from the 1950s Counter-Culture Classic The Wild One. What did MST3K say about mentioning a good movie in your bad movie?