Bewitched/Quotes

Super Car

 * [Endora 'pops' in while Darrin has a day off from work.]
 * Samantha: Mother, Darrin's off today.
 * Endora: I think you're just noticing it for the first time.

The Corn is as High as a Guernsey's Eye

 * [Samantha is trying to convince a cow (who she believes to be Aunt Clara) to go to the kitchen. It won't budge.]
 * Samantha: Just because you chose to be a cow doesn't mean you have to be a stupid one.


 * Samantha: You see, everything turns out for the best.
 * Darrin: Yeah, when you're around to give everything a big assist, it does.

The Trial and Error of Aunt Clara

 * [Samantha is trying to hide a witches court meeting (attended by Endora, Clara, Enchantra and Hagatha) from Darrin in the other room.]
 * Darrin: I know why you don't want to let me in there.
 * Samantha: You do?
 * Darrin: Mm-hm. I finally figured it out. Ladies club, right?
 * Samantha: Sort of.
 * Darrin: Is it the committee for the bazaar?
 * Samantha: Oh, I'd certainly call them a bizarre committee.

Three Wishes

 * Darrin: That was no lady, that was my mother-in-law!


 * Samantha: Darrin, I'm leaving you.
 * Darrin: Sam!
 * Samantha: I'm going home to mother.
 * Darrin: What do you mean "going home to mother"? Your mother's always here.

Cousin Serena Strikes Again

 * [Referring to Darrin's beautiful, but snobby, client.]
 * Samantha: Personally, I think she should see a plastic surgeon.
 * Darrin: What for?
 * Samantha: To have her nose lowered.

Charlie Harper, Winner

 * [After losing to Charlie all day.]
 * Darrin: Believe me honey, I don't feel bad. As a matter of fact, I feel great. I finally beat Charlie at something.
 * Samantha: You said you lost by 12 strokes.
 * Darrin: 11.
 * Samantha: Oh, pardon me.
 * Darrin: But we flipped a coin to see who'd tip the caddy and I won. It cost me ten bucks, but I won.

The Crone of Cawdor

 * Samantha: When the earth turns once around the sun, let the crone go forth til the day is done. Another's form she'll take and her form leave, from 6 in the morn til 6 in the eve. And in this guise if she can secure, a willing kiss from a mortal pure. To her will pass the mortal's youth, to him will pass her age forsooth. [Legend of the Crone of Cawdor]

My What Big Ears You Have

 * Darrin: A satisfactory explanation?! You're kidding!
 * Samantha: It's not for me. I trust you implicitly, in spite of my doubts. Mother will not take off that spell until you explain.
 * Darrin: Suppose you explain to me what gives your mother the right to bug my telephone calls.
 * Samantha: Darrin, how can I explain my mother?
 * Darrin (realizing Samantha's point): That's true.

Darrin, Gone and Forgotten

 * Samantha: Happy sweetheart?
 * Darrin: Let's see. I've got a beautiful wife. Lovely daughter. Comfortable home. Good job. I guess I'm reasonably happy.
 * Samantha: Why only 'reasonably'?
 * Darrin: I would be ecstatically happy if you were an orphan!
 * Samantha: Another remark like that and I'll be a widow.


 * Samantha: I thought you and mother were getting along rather well lately. You were almost on speaking terms.
 * Darrin: Let's hope it stays 'almost'.


 * Samantha: Now, mother. I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this, but repeat after me ... Spiders that crawl, bats that fly, silence my tongue if I'm telling a lie.


 * [Samantha is trying to figure out who has taken Darrin.]
 * Maurice: Uncle Arthur! That's it! Uncle Arthur is using Darrin for one of his practical jokes.
 * Endora: Well, why would he do a thing like that? Derwood is already a practical joke.

It's So Nice to Have a Spouse Around the House

 * [After Darrin yells out loud.]
 * Endora: I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

 * ''[After Darrin insults Endora]
 * Endora: Fortunately for you, I don't offend easily.
 * Darrin: Let me try a little harder.


 * Samantha: Mr Haskem, you really should listen to Darrin. He has his finger on the pulse of today.
 * Larry Tate: And his foot on the unemployment line of tomorrow.

Samantha's French Pastry

 * ''[Joking about Samantha's unrisen Angel Food Cake]
 * Uncle Arthur: When you cast your spell, you probably faced west when you should of faced 'yeast'.


 * Darrin: I don't believe it. In our living room, in person, sits Napoleon Bonaparte.
 * Samantha: Yeah. You're the only living human being who can say he's had Napoleon Bonaparte as a guest in his house. It's ironic.
 * Darrin: Ironic?
 * Samantha: Yes. Who can you say it to?

Is It Magic Or Imagination?

 * ''[Darrin is trying to apologize to Samantha, for accusing her of using witchcraft to win a slogan competition].
 * Darrin: The point is, your slogan was rejected, it was lousy. Which proves it was your imagination!

Samantha Fights City Hall

 * Larry Tate: [Laughs] Darrin, you old son of a gun, we've done it again. This Ezyway rent-a-car presentation is a masterpiece.
 * Darrin: Just don't hog all the credit this time, huh, Larry. Let's make it 50-50 right down the line.
 * Larry Tate: Done. I'll even go you one better, Darrin. If HB doesn't like it, it's all yours.

Samantha Loses Her Voice

 * ''[Larry explaining why he didn't pick his wife for his volleyball team].
 * Larry Tate: Have you ever seen Louise play volleyball? Her best shot is ducking.

I Don't Want to Be a Toad, I Want to Be a Butterfly

 * ''[After Tabitha has changed her classmate into a butterfly].
 * Tabitha: Is this one of those things that's called a problem?
 * Samantha: Not exactly, sweetheart. This is one of those things that's called a catastrophe.

Weep No More My Willow

 * Mrs Kravitz: Abner! Darrin Stephens is talking to a strange woman.
 * Mr Kravitz: So what? I'm listening to one.

A Plague on Maurice and Samantha

 * Maurice: Endora, you have all the charm of a tse-tse fly.


 * [Maurice dismisses his driver (named Yorick), who coughs before disappearing.]
 * Maurice: Alas, poor Yorick. He isn't well.


 * Darrin's client: And Mrs Stephens. You should be very proud of your father. I think he's dynamite.
 * Samantha: Ooh, I do too. And, uh, I never know when he might explode.

Hansel And Gretel In Samanthaland

 * Larry Tate: Darren, why are you carrying that leg of lamb?
 * Darrin: Well, in the condition it's in, it couldn't very well walk by itself.

The Warlock In The Grey Flannel Suit

 * [After finding out that Endora has cast yet another spell on Darrin.]
 * Samantha: One thing you can say about my mother. She's a mother-in-law.
 * Darrin: The one thing I can say about your mother is censorable.

The Eight-Year Witch

 * [After Endora finds photographs of beautiful models in swimsuits in Darrin's briefcase.]
 * Endora: Have you ever heard of the syndrome peculiar to mortal men? The seven year itch? Seven years marriage and it's off with the old and on with the new.
 * Samantha: In case you hadn't noticed, Darrin and I have been married for eight years.
 * Endora: You see, Derwood can't do anything right.

Three Men And A Witch On a Horse

 * [Samantha is reading a newspaper betting column. She is trying to dissuade Darrin from betting on the horse.]
 * Samantha: Look at what this fellow says about Count of Valor. "Couldn't beat a fat man up a hill".


 * [Darrin is phoning the betting company to place a bet on a horse.]
 * Darrin: Hello. I'd like to place a bet. My account number is A231. My codename is 'Dog'.
 * Samantha: And so's your horse.


 * [When Count of Valor is at the back of the field in the race.]
 * Samantha: He'll catch up.
 * Larry Tate: Only if they race to Albany.

Adam, Warlock or Washout?

 * [Maurice is greeting Samantha.]
 * Maurice: She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.
 * Samantha: Aw, thank you, Daddy. You and Byron say the cutest things.


 * Endora: Maurice, this exhibition is absurd. Childishly flamboyant and pathetically egomaniacical.
 * Maurice: Thank you, Endora, your charm is ageless. So sad about the rest of you.


 * [Maurice is greeting Tabitha.]
 * Tabitha: Hello, Grandpapa.
 * Maurice: Tabitha! How is my little princess?
 * Tabitha: Fine. I can always tell your voice, Grandpapa.
 * Maurice: Yes, people say it has a unique quality.
 * Tabitha: And it's so loud, too.


 * [Explaining why Adam has not shown any signs of being a warlock.]
 * Maurice: Let me tell you what I think the problem is. This child has been brought up in an atmosphere that has inhibited the growth of his witchcraft.
 * Endora: You see, Samantha's husband - that mortal lamebrain - absolutely forbids the use of witchcraft in this house.
 * Witches Council Representative #1: No.
 * Endora: Yes.
 * Witches Council Representative #2: No!
 * Endora: Yes!
 * Witches Council Representative #1: No!!!
 * Endora: Why do you keep saying 'No' when I keep saying 'Yes'!!!

Samantha is Earthbound

 * [After witnessing Samantha and Darrin walking along while hugging each other closely (to prevent Samantha from being lifted into the air!)]
 * Mr. Prescott: That's a pretty squirrely couple
 * Mrs. Prescott: It's called love, Wilbur.
 * Mr. Prescott: Why's he holding her like that?
 * Mrs. Prescott: That is also called love, Wilbur.
 * Mr. Prescott: He's gonna help her dress?
 * Mrs. Prescott: Love, Wilbur!
 * Mr. Prescott: Sick, Selma.

Samantha on Thin Ice

 * Darrin: Can you learn to skate normally? From scratch, without witchcraft?
 * Samantha: Why would I want to do that?
 * Darrin: Could you or couldn't you?
 * Samantha: Darrin, why is it you think that witches need witchcraft for everything?
 * Darrin: Not everything. Just everything difficult.
 * [Samantha turns around in a huff!)]
 * Samantha: Well!
 * Darrin: Can you learn to skate the mortal way?
 * Samantha: Are you challenging me?
 * Darrin: Yes
 * Samantha: I accept. And if I can't, I will be more careful in the future about accepting challenges.

Serena's Youth Pill

 * Samantha: In gay Paree it's s'il vous plaît, in Germany it's bitte. Please, Serena, come this way, I need a baby sitter.


 * ''[Larry doesn't understand what Louise is getting at!]
 * Larry Tate: Do me a favour, call Berlitz and get me a translator

Tabitha's First Day at School

 * Darrin: Is Tabitha ready for school?
 * Samantha: Of course she's ready for school! [pause] The question is, is school ready for Tabitha?


 * Charlton, the bully: What kind of dumb name is Tabitha?
 * Tabitha: It's not a dumb name.
 * Charlton, the bully: How come I've never heard it before?
 * Tabitha: Because you never met anyone named Tabitha!

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 * ''[After Charlton keeps insisting that Tabitha turned him into a bullfrog.]
 * Charlton's mom: Why does he keep saying that?
 * Samantha: Well, maybe it's a case of ego identification.
 * Charlton's mom: Yeah. [She thinks for a second.] What's that?
 * Samantha: Well, a bullfrog suggests bully, doesn't it?
 * Charlton's mom: Yes.
 * Samantha: Do you follow me?
 * Charlton's mom: No.
 * Samantha: Children need love and understanding. Without it, they sometimes become overly aggressive and turn into bullies.
 * Charlton's mom: Oh. Charlton, did you really think you were a bullfrog?
 * Charlton, the bully: I WAS a bullfrog.
 * Samantha: Love and understanding, Mrs Rollnick.


 * ''[After Samantha has convinced the bully's mother that he only imagined himself as a bullfrog]
 * Tabitha: Young lady! You have nothing to laugh about, you started this whole mess. Now, how are we gonna deal with you?
 * Tabitha: I have an idea.
 * Tabitha: What's that?
 * Tabitha: How about a little love and understanding?
 * Tabitha: Why is it that I feel like the fox thats been cornered by the chicken!?

George Washington Zapped Here

 * [After George Washington sees Abraham Lincoln's face on the $5 bill and his on the $1 bill].
 * George Washington: And who is this bearded fellow?
 * Samantha: That's Abraham Lincoln. The 16th president.
 * George Washington: He must have been a very fine president to have his name honored on a $5 bill.
 * Samantha: He was an excellent president, Sir.
 * George Washington: Better than me?
 * Darrin: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
 * George Washington: Then why is President Lincoln's name on a $5 bill while the father of his country is only on a $1 bill?
 * Samantha: Well, you see, more people can afford $1 bills than $5 bills which means more people see your picture than Abraham Lincoln's.

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 * Samantha: Sometimes, it's easier to be led than to lead. And a great many of our citizens prefer to stand on the sidelines and ignore their rights instead of defend them. They're called "The Silent Majority".
 * George Washington: Experience has shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer evils while those evils are sufferable, than to right themselves and abolish those abuses.

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 * [Referring to Esmerelda]
 * Darrin: How come you witches can do anything, but you can't come up with a witch psychiatrist for her!

School Days, School Daze

 * Samantha: How would you like a drink?
 * Darrin: Sam, just give me the news, without the anaestethic.

A Good Turn Never Goes Unpunished

 * Samantha: Just because blondes have more fun doesn't make them brainless, you know?

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 * Samantha: Did Larry like it?
 * Darrin: He hated it. Right up until the time that Benson loved it.

Samantha's Witchcraft Blows a Fuse

 * [Referring to Dr. Bombay].
 * Samantha: There goes one of the great quackpots of all time.

The Truth, Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me Sam

 * Samantha: Darrin, don't make mother angry. She's very difficult when she gets angry.
 * Darrin: Since when does she have to be angry to be difficult?
 * Endora: Your right, Derweed. I don't have to be angry to be difficult. [pause] But it helps.
 * Samantha: Oh, Darrin. When are you going to learn that mother knows best. And what mother knows best - is how to be difficult.

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 * [The last lines spoken in the series. Darrin is testing the truth spell Endora has cast]
 * Darrin: Honey. You're beautiful, sweet, clever, adorable and I love you madly. [referring to the spell] It works.
 * Samantha: Well, it doesn't work on me. But I love you. And that is the truth, the whole truth and etcetera.

Catchphrases

 * Samantha: Oh my stars!
 * Samantha: Weeell?
 * Darrin: SAMANTHA!