X-Men/Funny

Comics
"Emma: This children, is Kitty Pryde, who apparently feels the need to make a grand entrance.
 * From issue eight of the original series, Beast takes his uncomfortably small shoes off in a cafe full of beatniks, who begin reacting in an astonished fashion. They then proceed to carry him off, declaring his feet a sensation. He has no idea what is happening.
 * Astonishing X-Men was full of these from the beginning.
 * Kitty accidentally being late to the assembly Emma is holding for the students in the Danger Room.

Kitty: I'm sorry. I was busy remembering to put on the rest of my clothes.

Emma: So gushingly glad you could join us."

""Is that dragon thing behind me?""
 * Wolverine sitting on the foot of Cyclops and Emma Frost's bed asking the former "what stage of grieving" their sleeping together is. Followed by him getting blasted out a window.
 * Their first mission, rescuing the hostages from Ord, involves Kitty phasing people through the floors under said Ord's nose.
 * "Who are you talking to?" *soldier looks out an empty window* "My swim coach..."
 * Lockheed popping out of nowhere and flaming Ord in the face. This leads to Wolverine thinking he should be team leader.
 * The party they had to literally crash to rescue? It was a fundraiser that Frost's family had supported for "generations," and now that she's a public mutant she isn't invited. How she convinces the organizer to let her back in the loop? Threatening sexual obsession with Leroy Neiman's artwork.
 * Beast is analyzing a sample of "Hope," a "cure" for mutation, and is seriously considering using it. Wolverine starts a fight with him over it that spills through a wall. One student's observation: "So, what - the teachers spend all their time here trying to kill each other? This place is so cool."
 * Emma Frost being a teacher of "ethics."
 * When they attack Genetec, the source of the Mutant "cure," Scott is shot and bleeding out. His hallucination is hilarious.
 * The team is facing Ord for a second time, coming up with a plan that will probably involve his eyes and other "soft" parts. But before they can finish it, Beast, Logan and Frost are all surprised because  is standing behind Ord. That look is priceless. Ord assumes something else:

"Wolverine: I really like beer."
 * When asked how they know it's Colossus they just found, Emma tells Agent Brand she read his mind, Beast tells her he checked his DNA, and Wolverine simply says "I smelled him." Beast chimes in with "I did that, too."
 * Colossus throwing Wolverine in a fast ball special is his first act out in the sunlight. Doubles as a CMoA.
 * "You bite, I'll heal. I pop, you won't."
 * While the team is fighting a big monster in downtown New York (to which The Thing yells is supposed to be the Fantastic Four's gig), each page is panels of them with their internal monologues about various emotional struggles. Then we get to Wolverine, who has 3 panels of nothing, followed by:

""I'm the best at what I do, and what I do... is so terribly pretty!""
 * After the Danger Room has been shut down  Logan takes a bunch of new students down there for fight training. When one asks what the danger will be, Logan turns off the lights. One long panel of darkness, followed by a second. In the second, "shinkt."
 * regresses Logan to his childhood as effete, pampered rich boy James Howlett. How is he awakened?

"Kitty: I can't believe I phased just then. That's never--it was all your fault.
 * The highlight is probably his prayer when cornered by a feral Beast: "Dear God, I promise that if you let me live I'll be nicer to the poor, unless you don't like them for some reason and that's why they're poor."
 * To awaken Beast from his feral nature, Blindfold hands him a
 * Also from the "Torn" arc, when Kitty and Peter have sex for the first time, and Kitty ends up falling through the floor into the TV lounge directly below Peter's bedroom.

Peter: I like to think so, yes."

"The Thing: Didn't they come up with a cure for your kind?
 * And the next morning, at breakfast, Logan just looks at the two of them and says, "About time."
 * "Can I help you?" "Are you a beer?"
 * Emma deleting the memory of bad guys: "You feel no pain. You will go straight to a hospital. Remember nothing of this place. And every time you hear the words "parsley", "intractable" or "longitude", you will vomit uncontrollably for forty-eight hours."
 * This exchange between Wolverine and the Thing:
 * This exchange between Wolverine and the Thing:

Wolverine: You got a problem with mutants?

The Thing: I meant Canadians."

"Thor: Is there anything on thy mind?
 * "Cyclops--Scott Summers. Leader of the X-Men. Owner of a jetpack." After literally decades of the same "optic force beams" intro blurb, we finally get an awesome (and hysterical) new one.
 * There are many, many moments in Wolverine: First Class, usually courtesy of Kitty Pryde.

Kitty: Actually, yeah. I was wondering... How long does it take you to get your hair looking so good?

Thor: Mine... hair?"

"(Robots attack as Logan's trying to watch hockey.)
 * Logan gets some in too, of course:

Logan: (pops claws) Gotta warn you flamin' robots... I'm the best at what I do. And what I do is -- (as he destroys the robots) WATCH HOCKEY! WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT! FOR AS LONG AS I FEEL LIKE IT! It's my moral right as a Canadian."

"Fantomex: Jean, England is that way down the track; the tilt of your pelvis tells me you find me too attractive to permit them to capture me again.
 * This scene from New X-Men which sorta doubles as Getting Crap Past the Radar:

Jean: (irritated) Ten minutes of falling debris, "Fantomex." Au revoir. Run."

"Jean: I must confess, infuriating and arrogant as Gambit can be... those eyes, that grin, the body -- it takes a girl's breath away.
 * Scott Summers gets one in X-Men #1:

Cyclops: Oh, really? When next the opportunity presents itself... remind me to drop a truck on him.

Professor X: Cyclops.

Cyclops: A big truck.

Professor X: Cyclops.

Cyclops: A really big truck.

Professor X: Cyclops!"

"Bishop: Is this wise?
 * Of course, this is just after we find out that Cyclops has gone to the trouble of building a robot double of his girlfriend, programmed to explode when Gambit kisses it. This was presumably intended as a form of aversion therapy.
 * X-Men #8: "A plasma rifle 'gainst a boysenberry pie? Can you see the crazed psychopath in this picture?" Naturally, Rogue gets the Pie in The Face.

Gambit: Keep laughing or she'll kill us."

"Jean: My telekinetic powers will screen out the harmful radiation--I'll be all right!
 * Mind you, that's a boysenberry pie charged with Gambit's energy. (Don't worry, Rogue was in her "stolen Ms. Marvel's powers" phase, so she wasn't hurt. Just pissed.)
 * In the second New X-Men series (about new students at the Xavier School), Elixir, a mutant healer, discovers that his powers can kill as well and doesn't handle the discovery well, turning his golden skin black while he broods about it. During a psychic conference with the other senior X-Men, Kitty Pryde brings her concerns for his well-being...it turns out she needn't have worried.
 * Rockslide. Just...Rockslide.
 * Or if you need specifics, try The Quest for Magik or To Serve And Protect. The former is a pretty creepy story, and yet he still manages a CMOF in almost every appearance.
 * "Welcome to our Brotherhood." Magneto's totally-aware-of-the-irony smirk is hilarious, but what makes the gag is the looks on Cyclops and Madrox's faces, and Layla behind them, trying her damnedest not to cry laughing.
 * In a What If story where the all-new, all-different X-Men never existed, the original X-Men plus Havok and Polaris still go to space to the Starcore space station and are about to make the fateful journey back into Earth (in the mainstream universe, this is where Jean Grey became possessed by the Phoenix Force). Keep in mind Polaris wasn't with the X-Men when this happened. Just as Jean is about to take matters into her own hands, this argument breaks out.

Cyclops: For how long?! Even your power--

Polaris: Will you two shut up!? I can bring this shuttle down to Earth without the computer, without piloting skill, without even leaving the shielded life cells! I have magnetic powers, remember? Sheesh!

Jean: ...Oh."

"Kurt: "Figures--We get away from the Hellfire Club with our skins intact, only to get trashed by one of our own! Oi-flipping-vey!""
 * X-Men (2nd series) #75 had several great moments. Cecilia Reyes wearing a Wasp costume reject Beast had stolen from the Avengers. Cecilia acting like an ER doctor towards a blood covered Wolverine (she IS a doctor by the way). Cecilia's face when dropping in front of a demon. Also Marrow's when Maggot uses her for a fastball special. Finally Cecilia Reyes destroying a magic demon artefact when she drops on it with her buttocks.
 * $#%^ing unicorns!
 * Kurt and Warren using the Danger Room to roleplay Pirates of the Caribbean (and some sort of fantasy RPG that's mentioned, but not seen) in Ultimate X-Men.
 * In the Second Coming crossover, members of the "X-Club" (team of scientists put together by Beast) are sent to an alternate future to save the world. Their plan involves using a cat as bait to lure away mutant-hunting robots, and they eventually succeed...only to discover that this "future" was a simulation, all done to trick the X-Club into synthesizing a "cure" to wipe out the X-gene from all mutants. X-Club member Madison Jeffries's relieved response is, "You mean...the kitten didn't die?"
 * During the team's first encounter with Alpha Flight, they're on the run in Calgary. The team is set to meet at a rendezvous point, but Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Banshee, and Storm are missing. Cut to Banshee shopping with Storm. Granted, it's so that they can disguise Storm who sticks out like a sore thumb, but still.
 * For a time, Wolverine operated in Madripoor as "Patch", which involved him wearing an eyepatch and taking no other disguise precautions. Throughout the "Gehenna Affair" storyline, people keep revealing that they've known Patch is Wolverine all along, but Jessica Drew explains why nobody told him: "When somebody with claws and a temper wants to believe he's fooling people, well... no one wants to be the one to say, "Hey, Wolvie, what's with the stupid eyepatch!" Not coincidentally, this was written by Peter David.
 * The first issue of Wolverine and the X-Men ends with a brochure detailing the new school's classes and activities. Amongst these are:
 * "Ethics 101: Forgetting Everything You Learned From Emma Frost", taught by Kitty Pryde (an awesome Call Back to a moment from Astonishing X-Men detailed above)
 * "Algebra Sucks, I Know, But You Still Have To Learn It", taught by Iceman
 * "Diction and Linguistics", taught by Rogue
 * "The Art of Fighting Without Fighting", taught by Wolverine... followed by "The Art of Fighting With Fighting", also taught by Wolverine
 * "Sex Ed", taught by Gambit
 * "Know Your Alien Races (And How To Kill Them)", taught by Lockheed
 * "Flying Into Things Headfirst", taught by Cannonball
 * And the "inaugural flag football game vs. Avengers Academy"
 * This quote from Nightcrawler at the beginning of The Dark Phoenix Saga:

"Namor: For the last time, I can't surrender! This isn't an invasion of your surface world! I just wanted a bagel! We don't have them down there! Imperius Rex!"
 * Iceman and Angel #1: The eponymous duo are going up against "GOOGAM, THE THING FROM PLANET X!" and wonder where the Avengers, Fantastic Four and military are when there's a giant monster trashing Manhattan. The Avengers: fighting Kang. The FF: fighting Annihilus. The military: um...

"Princess Python: We don't exactly look like the kind of people who care, now do we?
 * Cyclops #1: Cyke's day has been vastly improved by the chance to loosen up...by taking down the Circus of Crime, at one point pulling a Hero Stole My Bike and leaving a note with an apology and phone number.

Cyke: You look like a dollar store Cirque de Soleil, lady. C'mon, walkie-talkies? Are you supervillains or mall cops?

[later]

Cyke's Internal Monologue: So their boss is rich, old-fashioned and needs a lot of obsolete tech nobody else wants. Doesn't sound like anybody I ever heard of. Who is he, the Mad Hoarder? Baron von Antiques Roadshow?

[at the end]

Xavier: News reports of a supervillain crime wave with suspected mutant sightings, SHIELD agents inquiring whether one of my students has gone rogue...and a Mr. Herman has been ringing the phone off my desk demanding to know what I've done with his bicycle. What on earth have you been up to today?"

"Nemesis: Eat viral liquefaction, unethically cloned carbon waste! I'll put my science in you! I'LL PUT MY SCIENCE IN ALL OF YOU!
 * Every single panel of Doctor Nemesis in the X-Club miniseries. Especially after he gets the starfish.

Starfish: I have no idea what I'm saying."


 * X-Men #9 (v2): Beast, in the middle of a fight after Wolverine growls, says "Logan? I realize you're having trouble holding onto your ever tenuous grip on humanity, but "grrrr" falls somewhat short of articulate." *Wolverine launches himself at an enemy behind Beast* "Of course I'm a firm beleiver in free expressions!"

Animated Series
"Longshot: Y'know, I used to date an actress with two heads.
 * Episode 36 of the 90s animated series. Jubilee seems to be channeling Storm. "JUBILEE, THE PRINCESS OF PYROTECHNICS, COMMANDS YOU TO RELEASE HIM!"
 * Longshot gets one in "Mojovision"

Spiral: Was she nice?

Longshot: Yes and no."

"Sentinel 1: What is that object?
 * When Gambit sends a kinetic-charged Ace of Spades card down a freight elevator to a bunch of waiting Sentinels, this unexpected exchange happens:

Sentinel 2: It appears to be the Ace of Spades.

(Card blows up.)"


 * What sends this into even more ridiculous territory is that one puts their face right up to it to say what it is, rather than do something like scan it.