Unarius the Arrival

The context of this film: an hour-long "educational" movie for members or would-be members of the Unarius Academy of Science, a New Age alien/personality cult of sorts. Members believe (among other things) that founder Ruth E. Norman, known in the tabloids as "Spaceship Ruthie", was a physical manifestation of God.

The film itself starts out with a hunky and improbably clean-cut caveman named Zan, who is visited by an alien who tells him that humanity has a higher purpose and how they are reincarnated over and over to learn from their experiences. Zan doesn't believe him, so the alien gives him a vision of his past life, in which he was ruler of a planet and joined an evil planet-destroying empire for power.

It's incredibly cheesy, sort of like a New Age Chick Tract with more special effects and fewer threats of eternal punishment.

The film can be watched on YouTube.


 * As Himself - the co-founder of the Unarians, Ruth E. Norman/Uriel, appears in this film to play Uriel, complete with the infamous gaudy clothes she/he was fond of wearing in her later years.
 * Bald of Awesome - the aliens (referred to as "light beings" in the credits) are all bald.
 * Based on a True Story - according to the Unarians, anyway.
 * Costume Porn - Uriel's costumes (and she has at least half a dozen), if they can be called that, seeing as how she wore the same thing Real Life as well.
 * Cool Starship
 * Cult of Personality: Unarius Academy, for Ruth Norman.
 * Easy Evangelism - Caveman!Zan accepts everything the alien tells him and has a Jack Chick-esque "conversion" after he gets mind-raped with his past life.
 * Exposition Beam - via Telepathy.
 * Everything's Better with Sparkles - the aliens' ship and the vision sequence near the end.
 * Fashion Victim Villain: The Evil Empire Dude wears baggy silver pajamas with a flopped-over Ming the Merciless collar and three diagonal red stripes in the general vicinity of the sternum. "Uriel's" glitzy robes don't do her any favors either; they make her look like a parade float. Spaceman!Zan's tsarevich outfits are kinda cool, though.
 * For the Evulz - there's no real reason given for why The Empire wants to take over the galaxy except for the power and being able to control people.
 * Ho Yay - that alien looks pretty taken with Caveman!Zan.
 * Human Aliens
 * Gem-Encrusted - the buttons and controls in Zan's ships are colorful crystalline things.
 * Mr.Exposition - one of the aliens.
 * Narm - arguably the whole film, but there are a few moments that really stand out...
 * The flashing tile floor in the alien's ship. Oooh, aliens love disco!
 * The readout in Spaceman!Zan's ship, which is in BASIC.
 * Zan's Southern American accent.
 * "For I am Infinity!"
 * The alien's strange hand gestures, which look like he's doing the Macarana in slow motion.
 * "Uriel's" constant goofy, I'm-stoned-out-of-my-mind grin. In fact, the sheer desperation of the film's attempt to create an atmosphere of awe is giggle-worthy all by itself.
 * Obviously Evil - the representative of The Empire who asks Zan to join them.
 * Reincarnation - Caveman!Zan was Spaceman!Zan in a past life!
 * Physical God - Uriel
 * Ridiculously-Human Robots - Zan's ships are operated by them.
 * Snark Bait: If the YouTube comments are any indication, this is why most people watch it.
 * So Bad It's Good
 * Special Effects Failure - They didn't always get the skullcaps affixed the actors' heads very well...
 * Telepathy - the aliens are telepathic.
 * The Empire - it wanted to conquer the galaxy for unexplained reasons.
 * Unfortunate Implications - everyone in the film is white, even Zan, who is supposed to be a human living 160000 years ago.
 * What Have I Done - Spaceman!Zan wonders this after destroying a planet inhabited by 4.2 billion people.
 * You Gotta Have Blue Hair - for some reason, Uriel has pink hair with one of her costumes.
 * Zeerust - the computer reads out in BASIC.