Real Ultimate Power

"Hi, this book is all about ninjas, REAL NINJAS. This book is awesome. My name is Robert and I can't stop thinking about ninjas. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet."

- From the front cover of the book

A very dark and satirical book, by an unknown author going by the pseudonym of Robert Hamburger. It's based off the parody website of the same name.

Robert Hamburger loves ninjas, and considers them the epitome of awesomeness. Because they are so coo...er, totally sweet, he has to share his "knowledge" of the ways of the ninja with everyone, including their prowess at flipping out, killing people, and having sex. This is the intended purpose of this book.

However, in between the various discourses about ninja "facts," snippets of Robert's real life get disclosed, revealing the truth: that Robert is an extremely lonely and maladjusted teenager with a metric ton of personal issues, using his ninja fantasies as a form of escapism.


 * A Boy and His X: Robert and his dog, Francine. Worth noting that she apparently talks to him, in a manner very similar to Hobbes.
 * Abusive Parents: Robert's parents take this to insane extremes.
 * Adult Child: Robert's babysitter, John.
 * Ass Shove: According to the book, the only reliable way to determine if someone is a ninja is to do this to them with a frozen carrot of all things, then observe their reaction.
 * Author Avatar: In-book, the stories featuring Roberq the little hippo.
 * Covers Always Lie: As per the page quote above, which is not what the book is really about.
 * Footnote Fever: The footnotes are mainly conversations between Robert and his parents, his babysitter, or his dog.
 * Gosh Dang It to Heck: Robert talks like this.
 * Instant Awesome, Just Add Ninja: Duh.
 * Literary Agent Hypothesis: Played with, with all the "real" accounts of ninjas or people who have encountered ninjas.
 * Memetic Badass: All ninjas, according to Robert.
 * Memetic Sex God: Again, all ninjas.
 * Musical Assassin: Ninjas are apparently so awesome they can make enemies explode just by strumming on guitars.
 * The Runaway: There are several "real" accounts of kids who ran away to become ninjas.
 * Surprise Creepy: Again, this book is not actually about ninjas.
 * This Is Your Premise On Drugs: Literal example: "Exhibit A: History Paper on Ritalin" vs. "Exhibit B: History Paper off Ritalin". Funnily enough, both are cases of Critical Research Failure.
 * Weaksauce Weakness: A ninja's greatest weakness is apparently "super-scary ghost stories".
 * Wish Fulfillment: Robert's "knowledge" about ninjas mostly amounts to this.
 * X-Ray Vision: Ninjas have it. Given the kind of person Robert is, guess how he says they use it.