Boston Legal/Funny

"I know who you are. You are a horny little toad. Toads give me warts. Hop away, horny toad."
 * Lesbian.
 * Claire in her first episode to Alan:

"Alan Shore: Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't mailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [sits down, spent and furious, then nonchalantly looks up] What?"
 * Alan's word salad. Especially funny because the inflection is spot-on--it sounds like he's just swapped all the phonemes in a perfectly legitimate sentence.

"Malcolm: This is why I went to law school."
 * Also Alan and Denny's wrestling match over Shirley.
 * In the first season, Alan is punched in the face defending Tara from a man who can't take no for an answer. His response? He pays off a bunch of "big people" to start a bar brawl. Watch the madness here.
 * WAR! HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?!

""You know, we have a little saying in Massachusetts: 'Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die.' Until then!""
 * Alan Shore to an odious, faux-folksy Texas credit card company lawyer.

""That's another thing! (taps his head) Mad Cow! 's not kosher!""
 * Denny trying to get out of a date with Bethany, a Jewish dwarf:

"Denny: God, I hope she doesn't put a hex on me. Can they do that? Midgets? Alan: What was she like, otherwise? Denny: Attractive head, nice breasts, that was basically it. Breasts and a head. Alan:: How did you leave it? Denny: I just left. I didn't know what else to do, I just walked out! Alan: Do you think it's possible she could've...followed you here? Denny: I don't...think so, why? Alan: Well... [He looks down. Denny looks down. Bethany is standing between them, looking up at him."
 * And later he and Alan are discussing the date:

"Denny: [taps his head with remote] Mad Cow. It hasn't progressed in my brain, but there are other symptoms. Be it blood pressure...it affects me. Alan: [concerned] Affects you how? [Denny gives Alan a thoughtful look, stands up, puts his hands on his desk, and leans forward] Denny: I think I have Mad Penis. [Alan slowly looks down toward Denny's crotch as the opening titles begin]"
 * A woman Denny recently had sex with says that something is "better than sex," prompting Denny to freak out:


 * Jerry Espenson singing along to the theme song, complete with clips of him dancing and Shirley's absolutely bewildered reaction interspersed with the actual credits.
 * "A man's home is where his heart is. In my case, the penis." Thus spake Denny.