Feet of Clay (novel)/Funny

"'I've given that viewpoint a lot of thought, sir, and reached the following conclusion: arseholes to the lot of 'em, sir.'
 * Vimes manages to catch Vetinari off guard, when he's told that the religious leaders want to destroy Dorfl.

The Patrician's hand covered his mouth for a moment."

"SLAB: JUS' SAY
 * The minor Running Gag involving a dwarf officer constantly dealing with a vampire. The vampire works as a sunglasses tester, then at a job that requires dealing with holy water, then in a pencil factory, and keeps complaining about being temporarily killed while also insisting he has the right to work wherever he pleases.
 * Detritus's Public Service Announcement poster regarding Slab.

'AARRGHAARRGHPLEASENNONONOUGH'."

""You know, you get told a lot bad things about the undead, but you never hear about the marvelous work they do in the community.""
 * Angua's story about Mrs. Gammage at Biers. Mrs. Gammage is an old lady who has been drinking at the undead bar since before it was the undead bar, and never noticed the change. She was robbed once. The stolen goods were returned the next day and the thieves discovered to be mysteriously empty of blood.

""I Don't Call That Much Of An Argument.""
 * Dorfl gets some decent chuckles due to his deadpan delivery, but he gets a CMoF after denying the existence of gods and then getting struck by lightning:

"Priests: This [hiring Dorfl] is gross profanity and the worship of idols!
 * Also, from Vimes in the same scene:

Vimes: I don't worship him, I'm just employing him. And he's far from idle. {deep breath} And if it's gross profanity you're looking for--"

""...you'd be able to have him executed if you wished!"
 * The line after Dorfl has released the animals in the slaughterhouse district: 'The street was, as it were, coated with anxiety.'
 * When Vimes heard Cheery Littlebottom's name for the first time,.
 * Nobby's repeated proclamations of "He'd go spare!"

"I couldn't do that!"

"Why not?"

"He'd go spare!""

""I Gerhardt Sock give the barer full and totarl ownorship of the Golem Dorfl in xchange for One Dolar and anythinge it doz now is his responisbility and nuthing to doe with me.
 * The best part is you can see Vimes just...refuse to accept Nobby as anything like a ruler. And Nobby would probably apologize and get back to his desk.
 * The wording of the receipt that sets Dorfl free:

Singed, Gerhardt Sock.""

"Vetinari: Commander, I always used to consider that you had a definite anti-authoritarian streak in you.
 * As Carrot puts it: "Interesting wording, but it does look legal, doesn't it?"
 * In the diverse cultural mix of Ankh Morpork, the words with lost or non-translated meanings get a lot of laughs; to wit, the robbers fainting in the horror that their dwarfish victims have gotten allies and were now going to hang them by the Bura'zak-ka in punishment. Carrot actually made it even more scary by saying that they don't do things like that anymore in the modern city of Ankh Morpork.
 * This exchange:

Vimes: Sir?

Vetinari: It seems that you have managed to retain this even though you are authority.

Vimes: Sir?

Vetinari: That's practically Zen."


 * Nobby gives the most epic Spit Take ever.