Birthright/Funny

Birthright Campaign: The Official Playtest Notes has pearls like this: "Good King "Papa Doc" Arglebargle I, the Mighty, is a 1st-level fighter, the regent of the single province of Ilien. Ilien is a coastal province (7 rating) of light forests and good cropland. It is dominated by the Free and Happy City of Argh, a seaport that is also the site of Castle Argh (1 rating). "Papa Doc" set up his daughter, "Baby Doc" Arglebargle II, as his most trusted lieutenant and castellan of Castle Argh, and shelled out for an extra level of Loyalty to ensure that his free and happy citizens stayed happy, or else. A unit of elite infantry (The Free and Happy Rangers of the Free and Happy County of Ilien) keeps the peace in this tiny kingdom, aided by local law-enforcement officials (7 "stranglehold" law holding).

Jon the Mostly Absent survived a determined assassination attempt, but was gravely wounded; all Roesone — or at least the parts that remembered he was king — danced and sang in grief.

Then a terrible natural cataclysm struck Temple X in Duerlin; the earth belched fire, the skies vomited hail, and the crocus did not bloom.

Colin, irritated that Sue's temple had treated some of his own guild lackeys unkindly by burying them without waiting for them to die first, looted his own treasure vaults for money to be used as bribes against Sue's snickering priests. Sue noted the potential for corruption but wisely ignored it in favor of letting her church be dragged through an endless spectacle of shame and disgrace, thus giving her another aspect of Colin to complain about.

Then diplomats from Diemed offered to perform a special urban and agricultural service for Sue's kingdom of Medoere, in which thousands of Diemedian 4-H officials would march across Medoere's westernmost province to check for deer ticks. If they found none, they would loot the province briefly and return home. Sue could cancel this service for only 16 wagonloads of gold and a promise to let the Diemedian royal family use her castle as their summer retreat.

Colin the Rogue did his part by expanding his criminal operations across Medoere, claiming that it was all Sue's fault since she never wrote back asking him not to do this.

Queen Sue the High Priestess was awakened in another one of her many Freudian dreams by the hairy, nasty Spider, who was aware of the Diemedian siege towers being lined up along the border with Medoere and sent his regrets. However, the Spider said, he/it might be able to persuade Diemed's royal family to put off their deer-tick inspection of western Medoere if Sue would only — well, perhaps it was a bit much, but maybe — just maybe — Sue could sent a hundred blonde virgin diplomats north to the Spiderfell, "so we can do lunch."

Then Anne the Wizardess, peeved at the loss of her crystal ball and unable to sleep from all the noise outside the castle walls, leaned out of a tower window and cast a teleport spell on a unit of superheavy Diemedian cavalry. All 100 cavalrymen and horses vanished without a forwarding address. After quick consultation, the Diemedian 4-H Horde announced that western Medoere was free of deer ticks, and they abandoned their tents and fled home. Medoere was saved. Diemed looked upon the suppression of civil disorder and deerticks in Medoere as a victory, though the sudden loss of 100 cavalry soldiers was a bit troubling. The mystery was solved a week later when survivors of the force straggled south into Diemed out of the Spiderfells, where they had "done lunch" with the Spider and his/its minions. The Spider, meanwhile, appeared in another Freudian dream to send his/its appreciation to Sue the High Priestess for the canned goods.

If Governor Tommy Thompson ordered the Wisconsin National Guard to burn down TSR, how many men would it take? This and other questions occupied the minds of your playtest group Wednesday as we prepared to start an accelerated game to see 1) how the system works over many game turns, and 2) whether anybody will ever get around to conquering anybody else. The Governor Thompson question came up late in the game when we were trying to decide whether a regent has the power to order troops to destroy unfortified holdings in that regent's domain. We decided the answer was yes.(We also decided it would take only one Weekend Warrior with a flamethrower to finish TSR off, or two soldiers if the second one passed out bratwursts to convince the employees that this was merely a "company picnic.")

Wizardess Flunky Anne, meanwhile noted an increase in crime and corruption within her magical domain, but promptly ignored it, rightly reasoning that what imps and familiars did on their own time was none of her business.

Colin the Rogue King was found by his guards to have suffered a terminally fatal mountaineering accident in his living room. Colin II the Rogue King's Son grew suspicious, rightly believing that his father would never have attempted to throw himself upon so many climbing spikes while tied to a chair buried in a vat full of concrete suspended from the ceiling — at least not while he was sober. Colin II began a spy operation to learn the identity of the person who supplied the climbing spikes, and soon found to his surprise that it had been the king of Ghoere, His Royal Highness Darth Adolf Saddam Nikita Khomeini "It's Nothing Personal" Bates I, currently occupied in building roads across Ghoere so his soldiers could more easily reach and oppress the populace in the manner to which they were accustomed.

The rest of the month was characterized by an upsurge in the construction industry. Orange barrels began appearing along the footpaths of southern Roesone as King Jon began building the Greater Roesone Interprovince Oxcart Turnpike. Perpetual rivals Diemed and Medoere likewise began their own highway projects tomake it easier for them to conduct impromptu Deer-Tick Inspections of each other's territories using the latest in military technology. Skip the Other High Priest built up one of his temples; Good King Arglebargle ordered construction to begin on yet another series of moats, dungeons, barracks buildings, towers, and massage parlors for Castle Argh; and Temple X began to build up its temple holding in Ilien, but local union rules required a 10-day coffee break for every brick put up so little was done beyond laying the first two or three bricks. A strike is anticipated for an equally extended lunch period.

What new and very unfortunate accidental event will trouble the daily routine of Colin II the New Rogue King? How long until the Interprovince Oxcart Turnpike is finished? Who really cares about mean old Ghoere anyway, aside from all those domains within a week's march of its borders, which is to say everyone on the map? And about Medoere's "spanking new" soldiers — just who's doing the spanking? All will be revealed next week in our next session of ... Playtesting!

Anyway, play began when the Tyrant-King of Ghoere, His Foulness Darth Adolf Saddam Nikita Khomeini "That's Mister Death To You!" Bates I called King Jon the Mostly Absent on the semaphore to borrow a cup of sugar. King Jon was out, so the Tyrant-King was put on hold, which enraged him so much that he declared war on Roesone. King Jon, upon his return, dithered for a time over whether it was worth declaring war on Ghoere in response, thinking maybe the two kings could get together later over a cup of hot java and be friends. News from the northern frontier, however, telling of the massing of thousands of Ghoere's troops and the virtual abandonment of all Roesone's border towns and farms by southward moving citizens, led King Jon to think that the question was moot."