Soulless shell

Officially entitled "soulless shell", complete with missing caps, this fic has been dubbed the legolas by laura of the Redwall fandom, and described as being "like a badfic bingo card". To attempt to summarise this thing:

The story begins with the introduction of Leif Melyamos, a half-rat half-mouse, whose parents are killed by a mysterious organisation of evil which captures him and declares him to be the "crimson king" (apparently no relation to The Dark Tower series). They demand he demonstrate his powers, and it's revealed very suddenly that he has the ability to shoot beams from his paws and teleport, by which fact nobeast seems very surprised for some reason. Skip an uncertain amount of time, and Leif has become the leader of the mysterious organisation of evil, despite being a good guy at heart. His rival, Councilman Arnold, is accused of rape and Leif has him arrested, only to have him escape. Luckily Leif is on a date nearby with his fangirl Maiomi, who is supposed to be seventeen but acts seven because the author can't write female characters convincingly, finds Arnold, and slaughters him messily while in his brand new randomly-appearing monster form, which has horns and wings. Leif then goes on a quest to find his father's magical sword, which demands a sacrifice of blood before it will let him use it. The story ends abruptly there, as the author has not resumed it since.

The original can be found here and the MST here. The dramatic reading is here.

"Ara: "Wait, wait, she's seventeen? We've been making paedophile jokes the whole time for a reason, she acts like she's seven!""
 * Adaptation Decay: Putting it mildly.
 * Aerith and Bob: Characters' names include Leif, Maoimi, Aveena, Karas, Thrnos, Monroe, and Arnold.
 * Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny: Raynold's only defining characteristic.
 * Authority Equals Asskicking: For Leif, and it's mentioned that Cataros is an experienced spy while Rajh is a veteran warrior. By contrast, the rest of the council is mostly useless.
 * Badass Boast: The Crowning Moment of Funny is an attempt at one of these.
 * Beige Prose: "Ahh he yelled as he slashed him his blood hit the floor."
 * Black Comedy Rape: Unintentionally so.
 * BLAM Episode
 * Boring Invincible Hero: There are no opponents who could present any sort of challenge to Leif.
 * Cardboard Prison: Arnold talks his guards into letting him out and joining him in revenge against Leif.
 * Curb Stomp Battle: Leif against everyone he fights. Lampshaded in the encounter with three of Arnold's guards (who, to be fair, as Mooks, wouldn't give most heroes any trouble, either).
 * Darker and Edgier: Well, at least it's trying to be.
 * Department of Redundancy Department: At one point, Thrnos bows twice in a single run-on sentence.
 * Did Not Do the Research: The sequel, "Blood omen", features a character making a bow in a forge. Since bows are not generally made of metal, this would be difficult.
 * Dirty Old Man: Arnold.
 * Dual-Wielding: Leif in his demon form.
 * Wicked Weasel: Arnold is a ferret.
 * Fat Bastard: Arnold, again. He's even described as one in-story.
 * Fat Idiot: Arnold. See Too Dumb to Live.
 * Frickin' Laser Beams
 * Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Leif isn't actually all that big in his mortal form, but Maoimi apparently can't reach above his waist.
 * In Name Only: This thing bears no relation to the canon except for the fact that it's briefly mentioned that the characters are rats/mice/foxes/ferrets/whatever, and are the "evil" species of the world. Except Leif is half-rat half-mouse and is a good guy, yet is the leader of the bad guys ... Try not to think about it too hard.
 * Indecisive Parody: It can't be real, right?
 * Interspecies Romance: Leif's father was a rat and his mother was a mouse. He himself engages in the beginnings of a romance with the rat Maoimi, but the sequel "Blood omen" mentions that he eventually married another character named Maria, who was referred to as a human, though it's unclear if the author actually meant she was a human or if he just lost track of the fandom.
 * Knife Nut: Leif likes to wield daggers and throwing knives.
 * La Résistance: Maria and her mother are the leaders of the "rebel group zaridos".
 * Large Ham: Leif. See "Narm".
 * Lolicon: Seemingly Maoimi, who behaves like a toddler and apparently can't reach above Leif's waist when hugging him.

""It's really just the 'Arnold' bit that's bugging me, because the first thing I thought of was the governor of California. You can tell the author's just out of ideas.""
 * Most Fanfic Writers Are Girls: Averted - the author claimed to be a fifteen-year-old boy. The evidence suggests he is indeed male, but is probably lying about his age, if he's not trolling.
 * MS Ting: See links.
 * New Powers As the Plot Demands
 * No Ending: The author appears to have gotten bored with it, or discouraged by the lack of reviews.
 * No Holds Barred Beatdown: Leif performs one on Arnold.
 * No Punctuation Period
 * Obligatory Swearing
 * Odd Name Out: Arnold. See the MST:


 * Older Than They Sound: Maoimi.
 * One-Winged Angel: Leif's bizarre winged transformation, which comes completely out of left field.
 * Rape As Drama
 * Reasonable Authority Figure: Leif.
 * Red Eyes Take Warning: Leif.
 * Rouge Angles of Satin: Especially "Councilmen Rajh, Councilmen Arnold" etc. How many of each of them are there?
 * “Common im defiantly a match for you”
 * Scars Are Forever: On Rajh.
 * Said Bookism: "Replied" is the most common alternative to "said", and is used so often it's almost a subversion.
 * Shout Out: The "crimson king" routine is a reference to the Demons and Wizards song "Crimson King". The song itself was based on The Dark Tower, though it's unclear if the writer knows this. Also, in the sequel "Blood omen", the hero Zain sings the Helloween song "Keeper of the Seven Keys" for reasons having apparently nothing to do with the story.
 * Spell My Name With an "S": Raynold/Reynold
 * Stealth Parody / Troll Fic: The quality implies it's intentionally bad, though there's something eerily earnest about it.
 * Teleporters and Transporters: Leif as well as at least one other person.
 * To the Pain: See Crowning Moment of Funny.
 * The Unpronounceable: Thrnos.
 * Too Dumb to Live / What an Idiot!: Arnold falls for Leif's not very clever bluff, inadvertently confessing to his crimes while begging for mercy as Leif sentences him to death. It's suggested that had he not done that, Leif might not have had enough evidence to actually sentence him to death.
 * Unusually Uninteresting Sight: Nobody reacts in the slightest to Leif's monster form and beam-shooting.
 * Waif Fu: The first fight scene with Leif learning to shoot beams from his paw takes place when Leif is only three or four (we think, it's quite hard to tell with the clumsy pacing).
 * Wanton Cruelty to The Common Comma: When there actually is any punctuation whatever.
 * Verbal Tic: Leif often inserts "ehs" into his sentences.