Die Hard/Funny

First film
"John: Cute toy.
 * When John looks utterly out of his element when he is using the computer monitor at the front desk of Nakatomi Plaza to see what floor his wife is on(realize that this is 1988)

Guard: Yeah, if you ever have to take a leak, it'll even help you find your zipper."

"911 Operator: Whoever you are, this line is for emergency communications only.
 * And later:

McClane: No fucking shit, lady, do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?!"

"McClane Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs!''"
 * The operators roll their eyes and sighed when he said that.
 * Every bit in all the movies when McClane talks to himself like a schizophrenic.

"NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN HO HO HO"
 * Argyle having a one-man party in his limo while a war is being fought behind him.
 * The Santa hat on the dead body in the elevator takes an epic moment and adds some epic hilarity to it.

"McClane: Welcome to the party, pal!"
 * John McClane dropping the dead body onto Al's cop car just as the latter is getting ready to chalk the call up to a false alarm and leave, and Al's reaction to it, is way, way, way funnier than it should be.

"Karl: *mouthing* Asian Dawn?
 * It becomes a Funny Background Event when we cut to Argyle talking on his cellphone.
 * Hans decides to buy time against the police by pretending to have terrorist demands for them. The demands he makes are for numerous terrorist prisoners around the world to be released (none of whom have any connection to him), including the "Asian Dawn" organization.

Hans: *shrugs* "I read about them in Time Magazine."

[...]

Karl: "Do you think they will even try to do it?"

Hans: "Who cares?""

"Chief: You listen to me, you little asshole, I--
 * "Now I know how a TV dinner feels."
 * John McClane verbally bitch-slapping the Deputy Chief of Police when he tries to tell him to back off.

John: Asshole? I'm not the one who just got butt-fucked on national TV, Dwayne! Now you listen to me, jerkoff, you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. Quit being part of the fucking problem and put the other guy back on!"

"John: Did I destroy the building?
 * Argyle was listening on this conversation.
 * Immediately before:

Al: No, but it's gonna need a paint job and a shitload of screen doors."

""'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except...the four assholes coming in on the south side."
 * When, and as it opens, Gruber and Theo get looks on their faces that say what they're seeing is beauty incarnate. At that moment, Ode to Joy starts playing.
 * It's made even better by how (deliberately) preposterously overblown the scene is: a lens flare shines over Gruber's shoulder like the sun rising, and if you look closely, you can see his hair blowing because of a wind machine.
 * Much of Theo's dialogue. His play-by-play of the police's botched attempt to break into the building is particularly memorable.

"Looks like the police have themselves an RV..."

[walking into the building with Karl] "So Kareem rebounds, right? Feeds Worthy on the brake, over to A.C., to Magic, then back to Worthy, right?" [Karl shoots and kills the guard with a timed shot] "BOOM! Two points!""

"(talking to John on his cell, but the connection was cut off by the terrorists)
 * If you pay attention after Hans shoots Takagi, you can see Karl hand a bill to Theo.
 * When Hans tries to imitate McClane's Catch Phrase.
 * When the terrorists lock-down the building for the police's initial assault, one of them positions himself in a concession stand to assemble his weapons... and help himself to some candy.
 * The best bit is how he looks around to make sure nobody's watching first. He's already party to murder, terrorism, and is planning to do a lot more. But it's nicking a butterfinger that he's worried about people seeing.
 * In two scenes, Argyle talks to the teddy bear in the backseat.

Argyle: (to the bear) You know the number?

(after trying to find a way out, he parks his limo and sighed. He looks at his rear view mirror and sees the bear)

Argyle:' Shut up."

Sequels
"Sergeant: Hey, asshole! What do I look like to you?
 * The exchange between the SWAT team leader and O'Reilly in Die Hard 2, right before O'Reilly and Stuart's henchmen reveal themselves and open fire:

O'Reilly: A sitting duck!

, and immediately dives as the other SWAT officers open fire]"

"Custodian: Yeah, I kinda feel like a piece of me is dying along with this church.
 * Made funnier still in the TV edit, where "asshole" is replaced with "turkey".
 * Earlier, the moment where two of Stuart's henchmen infiltrate the church dressed as utility workers, and this Pre Mortem One Liner:

Baker: Uh, you're right about that. [pulls out a Glock 17 and shoots the custodian, killing him]"

"McClane: I was wrong about you. I thought you were an asshole.
 * McClane escapes an exploding (parked) plane via ejector seat. The camera remains still and McClane flies towards it. His expression and choice of words ("OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!") is absolutely priceless.
 * This exchange between McClane and Major Grant:

Grant: I am. I'm just your kind of asshole."

"Zeus: Are you trying to hit those people?!
 * Shortly after Esperanza's plane lands, he steps out of the door, proclaiming, "Freedom!" McClane immediately steps in front of him and punches him in the face: "Not yet!"
 * The off-road drive through Central Park in With a Vengeance:

McClane: No! [Wilhelm scream] Well, maybe the mime."

""Trust me, I know what I'm doing."
 * You can hear someone scream.
 * Many exchanges between McClane and Zeus.

"Not even God knows what you're doing, McClane!""

"Zeus: You know some kid might come along and find that.
 * The briefcase bomb.

McClane: You're right (give him a look)

Zeus: (gives a damn look and grabs it)"

"Fake Cop: (in German) What are you doing! Some kid... Put it in the back!"
 * And later two of Simon's goons are given the bomb by an unkowning Zeus. One of them wants to just leave it behind. The other...

"Charles Weiss: [comes in] A nut who knows a lot about bombs. We found this in a playground. Professional. Very cool stuff! You know... [thuds the bomb roughly on Cobb's desk] Boom!
 * That scene where Charlie walks into Cobb's office with a briefcase bomb:

Inspector Walter Cobb: You think you should slam it around like that, Charlie?

Charles Weiss: It's unmixed. You can't hurt it. This stuff is cutting edge. It's a binary liquid.

Inspector Walter Cobb: A what?

Charles Weiss: Like epoxi. Two liquids. [puts a small dab of a clear liquid on Cobb's desk] Now, either one by itself... [hits it with his shoe] you got nothing. But, mix them... [swirls the edge of a paper clip in both liquids] Ricky? [Walsh moves aside and Charlie throws the paperclip at a chair. The mixture explodes and throws the chair all the way across the squad room]

Connie Kowalski: Charlie, you're gonna be wearin' that chair up your ass!!

Inspector Walter Cobb: Christ almighty, Charlie! [Charlie continues as if nothing has been said about his little show]

Charles Weiss: Like I said very cool stuff. Now, with a package like this, you get a warning. Now, the bomb has to arm itself. You'll see the red liquid pump into the clear before it detonates.

John McClane: How long before?

Charles Weiss: Ten seconds, two minutes, it could be anything. But, once it's mixed, be somewhere else!"