The Shocker: Legit

""The "normal" life. So that's what I was living; subsisting on Doritos, self-hatred and a keg-can of Heineken. That's the normal life. Blasting cops with level threes while they're just trying to help people is the normal life. Knowing I'll never really get anywhere, be anybody, do anything - That's the normal life.""

The Shocker: Legit is a Spider-Man fanfic by Max Landis (son of director John Landis), and is about the Shocker (Herman Schultz) trying to go legit. Big surprise, huh? There's also a lot of Marvel references, appearances by a handful of other superheroes and supervillains, an expansive conspiracy theory, the Shocker's interactions with his best friend, The Rhino, who is a bit of a ditz, and the superb narration told in the voice of The Shocker. It also fleshes out both The Shocker and the Rhino as friends (in some pretty heartwarming scenes). The fanfic itself is highly quotable. The Shocker kind of turns into a Marty Stu by the end, but overall it's definitely worth a look.

Can be found here

""This guy is one of the most dangerous mercs out there. But he made a mistake I've found to be my greatest strength in my limited time as a superhero - these idiots are used to fighting heroes. I don't fight like a hero.""
 * Abusive Parents: The Shocker's dad put him in a box inside a box inside a box (ad nauseam for about 20 times), and was in general a dick to him.
 * Armor-Piercing Question: "
 * Bad Guy Bar: The Bar With No Name.
 * Berserk Button: Spider-Man
 * Brains and Brawn: The Shocker is a Gadgeteer Genius safecracking expert, Rhino is huge, superhumanly strong, and somewhere between The Brute and the Gentle Giant.
 * Combat Pragmatist: The Shocker, in most of his fights.

"Think of metahuman combat as a debate:"
 * Continuity Nod: A lot of them. Borders on Continuity Porn.
 * Crowning Moment of Funny: Shocker summing up for the reader why he hates fighting Spider-Man more than any other superhero.

"ME: “I want this money.” SUPERHERO: “You cannot have this money. It is against the law to take this money.” ME: “I shall take this money regardless of the law, because I want it.” SUPERHERO: “That is aberrant behavior. We shall fight.” ME: “Have at thee!”"

"Granted, I always lose. But with Spider-Man it works something like this:"

"ME: “I want this money.” SPIDERMAN: “YOU GOT A STUPID HEAD!” ME: “What?” SPIDERMAN: “I’M GONNA PUNCH YOU A LOT!” ME: “What?” SPIDERMAN: “HERE COMES THE PAIN FISTS POO-BRAINS!” ME: “Wha–?” POW! SPIDERMAN: “HAHA I HIT YOU STUPID GUY YOU GO TO JAIL NOW!”"

"Shocker: Here’s a quick one for you: A woman is giving birth. The doctor picks up the baby and slaps its ass to start it crying, but it stays quiet. The doctor lets out this crazy scream, and starts punching the baby in the face, and then picking it up and smashing it against the wall, and then just throwing it on the ground and stomping on it. The mother is screaming and screaming, but in her condition, she can’t really do anything. The doctor lets out this great last war-cry, and then hurls the bloody lump of baby through the window, sending it tumbling four stories to the ground below. He laughs, calming down, and turns to the mother. “Just kidding, miss; it was dead when it came out.” ... The moral is this: Things are never as bad as they seem. Usually, they’re worse."
 * Crowning Moment of Heartwarming: Almost any non-combat scene with the Rhino and Shocker. Some other villains are also made pretty dang sympathetic, as well.
 * Dead Baby Comedy: Literally, at one point.

"The Hebrew Hellion. The sad thing is, in this world, I’m sure there’s someone out there who calls himself that and thinks it’s the baddest shit on the planet."
 * Deadpan Snarker: The Shocker, full-stop. Though some supporting characters occasionally fill this role, as well.
 * Did Not Do the Research: Reed Richards did not invent the Ultimate Nullifier.
 * The Ditz: The Rhino.
 * Deal with the Devil:
 * Erection Rejection: Herman gets one of these when he sees that Black Cat has a Spider-Man navel piercing.
 * Faux Action Girl: Black Cat seems to do nothing but get some leg work done and be the love interest.
 * Friendly Target: Rhino
 * Genre Savvy: The Shocker, so very much.
 * Genre Savvy: The Shocker, so very much.

"This gets another cheer, and again, I understand; seeing a six-foot-tall guy knocking back an nine-foot-tall guy with an uppercut is just goddamn cool."
 * Good Feels Good: Played with. It feels like crime only better.
 * Gorn: Several scenes like this, such as and.
 * Groin Attack: The Shocker explodes 's testicles via vibration.
 * Heel Face Turn: Pretty much the whole point of the fanfic.
 * Heroic Sacrifice:
 * Hero Worshipper: Herman has this mentality towards Reed Richards.
 * And, to a lesser degree, Tony Stark. But only because of their intellect.
 * Husky Russkie: The Rhino, real name Aleksei Mikhailovich Sytsevich.
 * It's Personal: Herman is very fond of his best friend, The Rhino, and, apparently, of his windows.
 * Jack Bauer Interrogation Technique: does this to Herman.
 * Man Child: The Rhino.
 * Man in the Machine:
 * Moral Event Horizon: Just found out one of the people who's been helping you is actually and he used to date your girlfriend?
 * No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: Several fights, especially.
 * Police Are Useless: Lampshaded. Herman suggest they get better weaponry (that is, some Doc Ock tentacles or some Shocker Gloves).
 * He then changes his mind when offered the opportunity by because he's afraid that low-level punks will start getting ahold of it and spread mayhem.
 * Roaring Rampage of Revenge: Herman goes into this when he learns that
 * Rule of Cool: Acknowledged.

"Shocker: You’d be surprised how many of my friends, at one time or another, have worked in a freak show. ...Actually, you probably wouldn’t be surprised. You’d probably smile smugly and say something droll. You fucking prick."
 * Song Fic: There's a radio playing "Saturday Night's Alright" by Elton John in one chapter, and the lyrics are interspersed throughout the chapter.
 * You Bastard: At multiple points, Shocker takes shots at the audience for their (he assumes) dismissive attitudes towards various super-villains