Unseen Academicals

The 37th book in the Discworld series, Unseen Academicals is about football. Well, slightly about football. Mostly it's about people, but then, aren't they all?

Unseen Academicals tells the story of what happens when the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork tries to bring civilisation to the ancient and tradition-laden game. Since said traditions include a generous measure of mob violence both on and off the pitch, this proves a somewhat dicey project.

At the heart of the plot is the need for Unseen University to field a team (the eponymous Academicals), but as the story progresses this becomes almost academic.

This book features notable examples of:
""One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior." --"
 * Accidental Innuendo: (in-universe) See the Visual Innuendo example.
 * Actually, That's My Assistant: Glenda mouthing off about  to someone she thinks is her librarian.
 * Aint No Rule: Averted, the rule was pointed out early and exists for the very reason it was used. The ball shall be called the ball...
 * All Psychology Is Freudian: Mr. Nutt's method of psychotherapy revolves around acknowledging repressed memories and emotions (especially vis-a-vis paternal/maternal conflict), and is based entirely on Uberwaldian philosophy which comes complete with nonsensical Germanesque names. He even adopts the stock gag-Austrian accent (with "ze" for "the"), explaining that it's "soothing."
 * Always Camp: Pepe the fashionista, but only when he's working.
 * Always Chaotic Evil: A widely held belief for, ultimately proved false. Subverted in that very few people in Ankh-Morpork held this against Mr Nutt.
 * Ambiguously Gay: Pepe again. Word of God (Shrug Of Gay?) is "he's probably as gay as a treeful of monkeys, but you can never tell".
 * Animal Athlete Loophole: Aint No Rule saying an orangutan can't play football! Since the wizards are writing the rules of football themselves as they go along, of course, there wouldn't be. The climax relied on this (for non-ape reasons), with the twist that there actually was a rarely-used rule allowing it. It was implied there soon be an Obvious Rule Patch.
 * Awesome By Analysis: Mr Nutt.
 * Badass Bookworm:
 * The Beautiful Game: Mr Nutt works out the rules for the new version of football based on how beautiful they allow the game to be.
 * Bilingual Bonus: The fashion magazine that Juliet reads is Bu-Bubble or, more likely, Beau Beaux Belle - three different words for "beautiful" in French.
 * Also, the lines from philosophical works Nutt quotes are infinitely more hilarious if you understand German. (One, for example mentions sweet, vanilla-flavoured desserts.)
 * Black and Gray Morality (maybe Grey and Gray Morality)

"Juliet: He saved my life!
 * The Blacksmith: Mr Nutt shoes a horse for the carriage company and silvers Glenda's tins. No, not like that.
 * Brain Bleach: Glenda and those slightly-less-than-three seconds.
 * Brain Drain: Brazeneck College seems to be trying this on Unseen University; their Archchancellor is the former Dean, and their Ponder Stibbons equivalent used to be Ponder's best student. They even offered Ponder the post of Bursar, but he never even asked what the salary was.
 * Brainless Beauty: Juliet, although not fully.
 * Brick Joke: and
 * Back in Feet of Clay, a Vimes fed up by a bigot's complaints remarks that he'd even sign up a gorgon. Now a Noodle Incident reveals that the Watch recently recruited a Medusa who'd accidentally stoned three people due to a gust of wind knocking off her sunglasses.
 * Mightily Oates' axe and unique way of bringing the good word.
 * Longest airtime for a brick, Sourcery - Unseen Academicals, 21 years. Rincewind attempts to get out of having to play on the team with the excuse that he'd had a note from his mother. Ridcully then reminds him that he knows already Rincewind's mother left him before he was born (Discworld. Don't ask how). Rincewind then asks to be excused to go look for her.
 * After the heated meeting between Ridcully and, Rincewind is seen putting one of his socks back on.
 * Back in Reaper Man, there was a throw-away line about Ridcully wanting to get a team together for the 'Sity And Guild Match, which in the Companion is described as a slightly modernised version of Poor(e) Boys Fun.
 * An earlier Discworld book describes "anti-crimes," and Hix can be said to be committing one: planting tickets for his amateur theater group's productions in people's pockets is the opposite of pickpocketing (especially since it's implied his group isn't very good).
 * At the beginning of the book, the Faculty are congratulating themselves on the successful Hunt of the Megapode. At the end of the book, when discussing the, Ponder and Ridcully agree that they have better things to do than run around after birds.
 * Bullying a Dragon: Andy and his followers taunting Nutt about his species.
 * Card-Carrying Villain: Professor Hix, by university statute.
 * Chainmail Bikini: Implied at the fashion show. Complete with a false beard, and a running gag of the "chafing" issue.
 * Changing of the Guard: Between Ponder's ascent to the  University Council, Nutt's implied future as Mightily Oats's successor, Adrian Turnipseed's professorship, and the youth of the cast in general, this book builds upon other recent Discworld novels in bringing a fresh generation of characters to the fore.
 * Chekhov's Gun:
 * Character Development: For a number of characters, including (off-screen) Mightily Oats. Especially Ponder Stibbons, who impressively sheds his No Respect Guy tag.
 * Children Are Innocent: Even if you call them pups. Even if they are.
 * Color-Coded Wizardry: Parodied with UU's late sports instructor, Evans the Striped. Presumably he wore black and white stripes, as per referees.
 * Continuity Porn: At least, by Discworld standards; it contains maybe ten times as many Continuity Nods as the average Discworld novel, and some that reach much further back into the series than has been the norm. One of the few to recognize the events in Sourcery, even. In this case, however, the rapid-fire Continuity Nods don't so much detract from the story as decorate it.
 * There may even have been (possibly?) an oblique reference to Esk from Equal Rites when Ridcully concedes that "possibly one, two at most" of the wizards at UU wear "garters". If so, it's the first reference to Esk outside of Equal Rites in the entire Discworld series. (Eskarina also appears as an important side character in I Shall Wear Midnight, written later.)
 * Covers Always Lie: Vetinari sadly does not referee the game.
 * The cover also has Glenda and Juliet dressed as cheerleaders, and the Luggage implied to be part of the team, neither of which happens.
 * Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Pepe.
 * Demoted to Extra: Rincewind, probably much to his relief.
 * Does This Remind You of Anything?: Someone throwing a banana to the Librarian while on the field is reminiscent of real-world racist insults to black football players by throwing bananas at them.
 * Dramatic Irony: Anyone reading Discworld books in the first place is probably Genre Savvy enough to realize that
 * Early Bird Cameo: The birds in question are the Sisters, whose species  was briefly mentioned in Eric.
 * The Empire: This is the first book to go into any kind of detail about the fallen Evil Empire of Uberwald (also called the Unholy Empire and the Dark Empire in earlier books). According to Word of God, it's the Fantasy Counterpart Culture of the Soviet Union. (Combined with some fairly obvious nods to Mordor).
 * Everybody Lives: Unusual for a Discworld story, Death only shows up once to tell a character he's not dead yet. Then again... some things you don't want to live through.
 * Expospeak Gag: Nutt's erudite and verbose way of answering questions.
 * Expy: Glenda has rather a lot in common with Agnes Nitt, albeit with a less downtrodden main personality and a better integrated Perdita-analogue (which is also in her case released by large amounts of sherry, not innate magical ability.) Her relationship with Juliet also echoes Agnes's relationship with Christine, though Juliet is a somewhat more sympathetic version of a Brainless Beauty.
 * Famed in Story: Trev's father, Dave Likely.
 * Fearless Fool
 * Food Porn: Just read those descriptions of Glenda's pies.
 * A Friend in Need: Glenda, Juliet, Mr Nutt, and Trev help each other through the events.
 * Genius Bruiser:
 * Girls Love Stuffed Animals: Even the three-eyed ones, who are more enlightened than the average bear.
 * Good Old Ways: Changing the rules of football?
 * Good Shepherd: Mightily Oats from Carpe Jugulum appears only in the Backstory, but he appears to have grown into this role, bringing Forgiveness with him wherever he travels.
 * Groin Attack: Andy tries this on Trev, but runs into Pepe's gift.
 * Henchmen Race:.
 * Humans Are Bastards: People believe that  were created by magically and/or eugenically altering goblins.
 * I Call It Vera: Mentioned in Good Shepherd above, we find out that the double-headed battle-axe carried by Mightily Oats at the end of Carpe Jugulum now has a name: Forgiveness.
 * I Gave My Word: Trev promised his Mum he'd never play football.
 * I'll Take Two Beers Too: After the wizards catch the Megapode, one of the maids asks them what they want to eat. Ridcully gives an impressive list of food (including "cheese boards one through five") and then says "Anyone else want to add anything?"
 * Improbable Age: Although no age is given for Glenda and Juliet, they seem to be quite young. Despite this Glenda is the boss of one of the two biggest kitchens in the city (and possibly on the planet). Of course, she does have a genius for pies. Also, Ankh-Morpork is in a kind of Regency setting verging on Steampunk, so people start working very young (especially in poor families.)
 * She is noted to be fairly mature for her age, to the point where people assume she's Juliet's mother rather than her friend. Part of that's her bossiness as well.
 * Indestructible Edible: Professor Macarona's pasta.
 * Inelegant Blubbering
 * Inherently Funny Words: gloing
 * In My Language That Sounds Like: Various bits of dwarfish fall victim to this here.
 * Insistent Terminology: Professor Bengo Macarona, after scoring the first goal for the Academicals, insists that any chanting of his name also includes his full name and list of honours. Since this in its entirety is "Professor Macarona D.Thau (Bug), D.Maus (Chubb), Magistaludorum (QIS), Octavium (Hons), PHGK (Blit), DMSK, Mack, D.Thau (Bra), Visiting Professor in Chickens (Jahn the Conqueror University (Floor 2, Shrimp Packers Building, Genua)), Primo Octo (Deux), Visiting Professor of Blit/Slood Exchanges (Al Khali), KCbfJ, Reciprocating Professor of Blit Theory (Unki), D.Thau (Unki), Didimus Supremius (Unki), Emeritus Professor in Blit Substrate Determinations (Chubb), Chair of Blit and Music Studies (Quirm College for Young Ladies)" and the crowd actually agrees to go along with it, this turns the football chant "One Makaronah, there's only one Makaronah, there's only one Makaronah, one Makaro-naah" into an Overly Long Gag of absolutely EPIC proportions.
 * Also, continuing a gag from Making Money, it's Post-Mortem Communications, not "necromancy".
 * Interspecies Romance: Subverted, inverted, averted and every other kind of '"ted" you can think of, and working with Lady Margolotta and Vetinari.
 * I Was Told There Would Be Cake: "There will be cake"
 * Kaiju:
 * And it's foreshadowed too. Early on, Ponder asks what Brazeneck is using to power their knockoff of Hex; the answer is . Ponder's reaction to hearing that is   But then, they did steal the design for Hex   - he isn't really fond of them.
 * Karma Houdini: Defied.
 * Kick the Dog:
 * Loads and Loads of Rules: The Patrician's attempt to control the game.
 * Long List / Overly Long Gag: Professor Macarona's full list of titles and honors goes on for about a full hardcover page. In reality it's only about an eight-line paragraph, but repeated so many times that it covers nearly two softcover pages - and audobook readers may start to wonder if their file is stuck in a loop.
 * Ridcully asks Ponder what the wizards' problem is. The list takes up roughly the same space as the one above. Without repetition.
 * Lower Deck Episode: Many Discworld books have focused on the faculty of Unseen University; this is the first one in which the University's household staff are main characters. Although we also hear a lot about the staff in Equal Rites.
 * Mama Bear: Glenda. According to Vetinari, it's In the Blood.
 * Meaningful Name: Juliet, obviously. There's also Andy Shank; "shank" can mean a stabbing weapon. Also see Stealth Pun below for Trev Likely.
 * Memetic Badass: Vimes, in-universe; as discussed in Night Watch, coppers in Ankh-Morpork (and the surrounding cities) are called "Sammies" or "Old Sam" for a reason. (On Roundworld, it's why British cops are "bobbies," or "Old Bill.")
 * Also, Mrs. Whitlow has an in-universe Memetic Domestic Badass reputation among the UU staff, which Glenda eventually sees through and subverts.
 * Misapplied Phlebotinum:
 * Mistaken Identity: Courtesy of Glenda's total lack of useful cynicism in some areas.
 * Motivation On a Stick: There's a scene with the wizards riding on the backs of the university porters and motivating them with a bottle of beer on the end of a stick.
 * My Species Doth Protest Too Much: Played with in several instances.
 * Pepe and Madame Sharn are both exceptions to Our Dwarves Are All the Same.
 * Name's the Same: Bledlow Nobbs (no relation).
 * Never Gets Drunk: Lord Vetinari. Actually, he does get drunk, but he's very good at not acting drunk.
 * Well, he appears slightly tipsy. Meanwhile, heavy drinkers twice his size had actually passed out drunk after drinking around the same amount. Though it does take him an extra 50 seconds to solve the Times crossword the next morning. For him, that's probably the equivalent of getting married in Vegas.
 * He even had to look up words in the dictionary, so more like getting married to two hookers and a dog in Vegas.
 * Even then, it continues a running gag from earlier books that only one other person consistently solves them. Since she is no longer listed as a winner and the difficulty jumped, he concludes she is writing them now.
 * Nice to The Waiter: Ridcully and Lord Vetinari listen to Glenda.
 * No Social Skills: Nutt, initially. He's read a lot in books, but applying that to the real world is something else.
 * Nothing Is the Same Anymore: For the first time since Moving Pictures, UU has been shaken up by.
 * Ooh, Me Accent's Slipping: Arguably, Margolotta's lack of an Uberwaldean accent.
 * Probably anyone who deals with Vetinari is capable of faking/hiding an accent. Or maybe her Morporkian's just got better since The Fifth Elephant.
 * Our Nudity Is Different: The wizards are adamant they can't wear shorts that expose their knees, for fear of the effect this might have on women. The one woman who hears this has trouble keeping a straight face.
 * Passive-Aggressive Kombat: It's noted that high-ranking wizards cannot get into fights, at least not in public (which may or may not have magical consequences). Therefore it was only seemly to be polite in even the most severe confrontation.
 * Picked Last: Referenced several times.
 * Playing Cyrano: Amusingly subverted, as Nutt ghost-writes a love letter to Juliet for Trev, who can't think of anything better to say than "I think you are really fit, want to go out? No hanky-panky, promise." This is, word for word, exactly how Glenda summarizes Nutt's poetic missive when Juliet asks her what all "Trev's" fancy words mean.
 * Posthumous Character: Dave Likely.
 * Powder Keg Crowd: The Shove. Always.
 * Prince Charming: Referenced; Glenda thinks Juliet deserves a handsome prince, which is why she disapproves of her hanging around with Trev Likely.
 * Punch Clock Villain: A somewhat unusual version with Dr. Hix, of the Department of Necromancy... Er, Post-Mortem Communications, who is professionally obligated to be slightly evil from time to time, albeit within "acceptable levels" set by university regulations.
 * And, given Pratchett's interesting sense of humor, one of those evil acts involves
 * It should be noted that by having an official Department of Post-Mortem Communications, one of Dr. Hix's jobs is to deal with unofficial Post-Mortem Communicators. With fireballs, if necessary.
 * Real Men Wear Pink: The Dimwell colors. Do you want to question a football hooligan's manhood? Didn't think so. Nutt suggests the pink is a deliberate fight-provoker, and chosen for that purpose.
 * Rescue Romance: Trev doesn't really get Juliet's interest until after he saves her from being beaned during a football match (the old-fashioned footballs are made of wood and very heavy).
 * Real Men Wear Pink: The Dimwell colors. Do you want to question a football hooligan's manhood? Didn't think so. Nutt suggests the pink is a deliberate fight-provoker, and chosen for that purpose.
 * Rescue Romance: Trev doesn't really get Juliet's interest until after he saves her from being beaned during a football match (the old-fashioned footballs are made of wood and very heavy).

Glenda:' That's no basis for a relationship! A polite thank you would have sufficed!"

"It occurred to new employee Rudolph Scattering..."
 * Roboteching: Trev can do this with tin cans. It's all about the spin.
 * Running Gag: "It doesn't chafe", "Skull ring, remember?", hanky panky, etc.
 * Serious Business: Football. Starts out as a subversion, as the only thing on the line seems to be a large portion of the wizard's food budget, and they don't even need to win the game to retain that. Then it seems like the stakes will be the Archchancellor's Hat. But finally, it turns out that the real stakes are the soul of the game itself.
 * And that of civilization. Can a reasoned will not only contain violence, but defeat the mob?
 * Shaped Like Itself: "Mostly they're just pies, sir. Made of...pie."
 * Shoot the Dog: It's important that . However it's also important that.
 * Shout Out: Most of the early plot of the book is a direct copy of Romeo and Juliet, when it is not a Shout Out to "Cinderella" or My Fair Lady.
 * Juliet ("Jules"), a woman in dressed in golden-shining chainmail, is supported after the game by the whole Ankh-Morpork team in red shirts -- this is clearly ment to resemble the Jules Rimet Trophy, awarded for the Football World Cup (up to 1970).
 * Professor Bengo Macarona is evidently a nod to Diego Maradona, a famous football (soccer for Americans) player. There was also a player named Macarone in Genoa, which is the right city, give or take a letter.
 * The Running Gag of the celebrity press asking about "your favourite spoon" is from Private Eye.
 * The reference to Romeo and Juliet gets Lampshaded near the end of the book, when comments about how an in-universe play (named Starcrossed) is unrealistic. (The play in question has been written by Hwel, a character from an earlier book who is the Disc's Shakespeare.)
 * The first few pages are an extended Shout Out/parody of Dan Brown.

"It is my job to reduce this metaphysical overhead, as it were, and to give my lads some acceptable paradigm, such as, it might be, whack it right down the middle, my son, and at least if the goalie stops it you will have given him a hot handful he won't forget in a hurry."
 * And when Hex is asked to find a football, he responds by asking whether they meant a spherical or oval ball, a shout out to those other games.
 * The epilogue, beginning "You think it's over?" and ending "It is now!", is a shout out to a famous piece of football commentary.
 * Glenda's private thoughts about how to deal with Ottomy -- and how to dispose of the evidence -- are a tip of the hat to Sweeney Todd.
 * Bio Shock: Beings called 'Little Sisters' who aren't seen at their best when eating.
 * Nutt's indecipherable philosophy of football recalls Eric Cantona at his most Dadaesque.
 * One of Juliet's brothers is named Algernon. Mr. Nutt describes to him a theory that football players were very similar to lab rats. He promptly attacks Mr. Nutt. Algernon still likes rats and dislikes experiments on them.
 * Smug Snake: Andy Shank. He's an evil-minded little git who carries himself like Carcer Dun.
 * Sophisticated As Hell: Asked what makes a good football trainer, Nutt gives a long answer that takes in psychology, metaphysics and quantum physics, concluding with:

""Do you think the second T helps?"
 * Spell My Name With an "S": Nutt. No S, two T's. Singular, not plural.

"Probably not, sir.""

"Ridcully: Angry husband?
 * Spock Speak: Nutt, most of the time.
 * Stealth Pun: Trev works in the university dribbling candles for wizardly pursuits. By the end of the book, he's dribbling footballs instead.
 * He's also "Dave Likely's son" ... or Likely's lad; a "likely lad" being either a skilled sportsman or a known troublemaker - and Trev's both.
 * Un-stealthed in the back-cover copy, which calls him "a likely lad with a wonderful talent for kicking a tin can". (The pre-release blurb had much the same phrase, but called him an "urchin".)
 * The three-eyed teddy, described as "more enlightened than the average bear" is an obvious reference to both the "third eye" of Eastern mysticism and Yogi Bear. Now think about where the title "yogi" comes from...
 * Hix is Unseen University's Token Black Magician.
 * Straight Gay: Professor Bengo Macarona of Genua, star football player, with 13 doctorates from Unki, QIS and Chubb and a visiting professorship at Bugarup, cited in two hundred and thirty-six papers... and one divorce petition.

Stibbons: Angry wife, as I heard it.

Ridcully: Oh, he was married, was he?

Stibbons: Not to my knowledge, Archchancellor."

"Juliet: They said Dave Likely was your father.
 * Possibly Bi the Way, given that the end of the book implies . Or not, since
 * Super Soldier:
 * Supreme Chef: Glenda. Her grandmother was the cook at the Assassins' Guild when Vetinari was a student; he still remembers the pies fondly, and practically (for Vetinari) salivates when he learns that the recipes were passed down. He's also the one to realize that Glenda would never even think of poisoning a pie; it would be practically sacrilegious. He mentions at the end that he had been planning on offering her a job if things had turned out differently.
 * Tall Poppy Syndrome: Referred to here as the "crab bucket"; a large part of Glenda's Character Development is getting over this.
 * Tearful Smile
 * Token Evil Teammate: Dr. Hix, again.
 * Too Dumb to Fool: Juliet
 * Try to Fit That On A Business Card: The aforementioned Professor Macarona D.Thau (Bug), D.Maus (Chubb), Magistaludorum (QIS), Octavium (Hons), PHGK (Blit), DMSK, Mack, D.Thau (Bra), Visiting Professor in Chickens (Jahn the Conqueror University (Floor 2, Shrimp Packers Building, Genua)), Primo Octo (Deux), Visiting Professor of Blit/Slood Exchanges (Al Khali), KCbfJ, Reciprocating Professor of Blit Theory (Unki), D.Thau (Unki), Didimus Supremius (Unki), Emeritus Professor in Blit Substrate Determinations (Chubb), Chair of Blit and Music Studies (Quirm College for Young Ladies)
 * Turn Out Like His Father: A touching version.

Trev: Well, yes, that's true.

Juliet: Yes, but they used to say you were his son."


 * Tyop On the Cover: One dust jacket has a synopsis that spells Vetinari as "Ventinari."
 * Verbal Tic: Juliet's habit of ending every sentence with "Din't it?" or "Didn't I?" or something similar, innit.
 * Visual Innuendo: Glenda points out that the proposed uniform design with "UU" on the front resembles breasts.
 * Wham Line: Wham Word, in fact. A word most Discworld readers never expected to see in the books:  (It appeared in Sourcery, as a throwaway reference.)
 * Worlds Most Beautiful Woman: Juliet.
 * Worthy Opponent: Mr. Hoggett, captain of Ankh-Morpork United. Despite the fact that his team contains a number of jerks, cheats, and Andy Shank, he tries to play a fair game, apologizes to the ref for his team's illegal moves, and
 * Writtenbythe Winners: The war against the Evil Empire is often referred to as this. For a start, calling it the 'Evil Empire' implies that there were any good guys in that particular conflict.
 * Wrong Genre Savvy
 * Xtreme Kool Letterz: Dr. Hix was really Dr. Hicks, but "any man who wears a black robe and a skull ring isn't going to pass up the chance to have an X in his name".
 * Your Princess Is in Another Castle: A reference to a famous remark by the commentator at the end of the 1966 World Cup final: "They think it's all over..." (Whistle blows) "It is now!"