The Colbert Report/Funny

work

"President Barack Obama: General, as the Commander-in-Chief, I hereby order you to shave that man's head.
 * Stephen Colbert may have failed to rename Node 3 after himself, but he got a pretty sweet consolation prize. Ladies and gentlemen, NASA proudly presents the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill. Crowning Moment Of Fun with Acronyms. At this point, the patch is just gravy. This also counts as a CMOA.
 * Even better during the show itself where Colbert showed a clip of a CNN anchor breaking off the news asking if this was serious.
 * From Operation Iraqi Stephen:

General Ray Odierno: Yes, Mr. President!"

"President Barack Obama: First, I want to send my greeting to the men and women of our armed forces in Iraq. And I and all Americans thank you for your service. Stephen Colbert: You're welcome, Mr. President!
 * Don't forget Obama getting off a few jokes of his own:

President Barack Obama: ...I wasn't talking to you. Now, second, General, I overheard your conversation about Stephen's hair.

Stephen Colbert: Wait a second, you overheard? Are your spy satellites really that good?

President Barack Obama: No, but my ears are really that big."

"Cookie Monster: Me had crazy times in the 70s and 80s, okay? Me like the Robert Downey Jr. of cookies!!"
 * The segment where Colbert and Hollywood nice guy Tom Hanks prepare a care package for the troops is pure gold. Let's just say, Hilarity Ensues. It's all topped off with Tom Hanks sucker punching Colbert into a crate and sending him to Iraq.
 * Al Gore on Worthy Opponent, especially making Colbert go through on a really stupid claim by dunking his head.
 * For this troper, the funniest moment would be Colbert's segment on the wikiscanner, when he revealed that a person from the New York Times wrote on the George W. Bush page of Wikipedia the phrase "jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk."
 * The entire review Colbert had with Cookie Monster. Half because the jokes were very funny, and half because it showed Cookie Monster acting like an adult without derailing him as so many parodies of kid's shows do.

""First up -- (only half of the graphic shows up) Basketball! (the other half shows up late) I always been a hu-- (head desks, flails around) No! We're going! We're going!""
 * This "Sport Report", about ten seconds into the report itself:

"Stephen: "If a diamond is a girl's best friend, then coal is its hotter, younger sister. In the early days of coal-mining, it was dirty, dangerous work as seen in this sad footage." (Cue clip from Dig Dug.) Stephen: "We lost a lot of good men to inflatable dragons. Thankfully, modern science has found a much safer way to get our coal: BLOWING THE TOPS OFF MOUNTAINS! AWESOME! OH DADDY!""
 * Pretty much the beginning of any Sport Report segment, where Colbert plays air guitar (complete with vocal sound effects) for at least ten seconds after the intro sequence, getting increasingly ridiculous every time. Best, and most recent, example is this.
 * The scene that got this troper hooked on The Colbert Report:

"Steve Carell: What's the matter, Jon Stewart's teat doesn't come with an extension cord? Colbert: Wow, eight chairs? You can seat all the people who saw Dan in Real Life!"
 * The entire episode of The Colbert Report with Rush thanks to Jimmy's constant meddeling causing the Colbert Anthem to be replaced by "Limelight" and Stephen's teleprompter to be rewritten to the lyrics of "By-Tor and the Snow Dog."
 * Colbert returning to the Even Steven segment with Steve Carell.

"Stephen (paraphrased): My staff do everything together, as if they were one organism. (Holds up bloody bone saw) Or they will be once I make them into a human centipede. Stand still you--!"
 * July 27, 2010: Stephen Colbert...vs. Kevin freaking Kline on who can out-pronunciate each other. Followed by who can act out famous Shakespeare characters the best using only facial expressions and grunts.
 * In that same episode, Colbert finds out that plants can apparently think and remember. He proceeds to yell at his plant Phil and shove it in the garbage, screaming: "Oh yeah! Try to make chlorophyll in there, motherfucker!"
 * When talking about how a magazine cover digitally removed a woman standing next to President Obama for the photograph, Stephen Colbert says, "Everyone, I am a big fan of Photoshop. And so is my friend Abe Lincoln." A picture then appears of him with his arm around a portrait of Abe. The joke continues on as he removes the oil slick from the Gulf, replaces that with clean tropical water, puts the picture into the size requirements for a magazine cover, and then puts on text: "Stephen Colbert solves oil disaster!" Once he was done, he looked at the camera and said, "Nobel Prize, please! Wait..." After a few clicks on the computer, a picture of him holding the Nobel Prize appears in the top left corner. The huge smile on his face as he points to the picture just makes it better.
 * Stephen Colbert was unimpressed with how Barack Obama announced the soldiers were coming back to America. His version of how it should have been done is the most Crazy Awesome thing he could have ever described, and had this troper in a coughing fit from laughing so hard.
 * Everything Stephen did in relation to the 2010 Olympics, including:
 * Helping the US speed skating team raise money after their main source of income went bust and "racing" against Shani Davis to show there was no hard feelings after Shani apparently took Canada's side in the "Icehole" insult battle.
 * Trying out for the US bobsled team with Team 1 (AKA "The Night Train"; he blacked out and had a 2001 Acid Sequence) and the curling team.
 * Technically, since it was for NBC not the Report, but Colbert's appearance during the Vancouver Olympics (which includes riding a stuffed moose and climbing into the studio's fake fireplace while exclaiming how awesome NBC is for its "realism") had the host and the film crew dying of laughter.
 * And of course Colbert's Vancouver Olympics shows, where he used a blue screen "window" to relocate the studio from a mountain top to a blimp to NBC studios, and used his own fake fireplace to do satellite interviews.
 * Also this sign: Marry Me Stephen, It's Legal Here!
 * Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown...KING TUT'S PENIS!
 * Stephen Colbert presents: Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown: King Tut's Penis, part II: THE RES-ERECTION!
 * Hell, any time the hilarious chanting is used is a Funny Moment.
 * Whenever that odd-sounding note sounds, it's accompanied by Colbert wiggling his eyebrows up and down, independent of one another. This is done for the duration of the note. But one time the note was mistimed, and ended up with the note being cut off and Colbert Corpsing.
 * Let's get right to the news everybody's talking about - MONKEYS!
 * The Colbert Report's segment for their Emmy nomination for writing:

"Stephen: I believe Islam is the one great and true cult, praise be to Allah and the Nike's he wears, all glory and honour to the comet that hides his spaceship!"
 * Stephen Colbert gets married to his hand.
 * And that's why Isa Blyth gets a wag of my finger... for being a century long tease.
 * Stephen tells us how to ruin gay marriage. Apparently, it involves getting into a long-term relationship with a gay Jewish man named Jonathan, getting engaged to him and then jilting him at the altar. He breaks down in tears partway through telling the story.
 * A Jewish man named Jonathan, hmm? Wonder who that could be...
 * While it seems to fit - especially given that it's a Jewish ceremony - Stephen mentions that "Jonathan's" mother is named Janet. Jon Stewart's mother's name, according to That Other Wiki, is Marian. Of course, Stephen has also said on the show that his wife is named Lorraine- when in fact it's Evelyn. Maybe he's following the old RPF rule of not involving the families of celebrities that aren't celebrities themselves?
 * 9/29/10: Koalas are being infected with chlamydia at a rapid rate. Threat #2 on the ThreatDown: Whoever's F@%[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/360496/september-29-2010/threatdown---record-breaking-gays--koalas---purell Whoever's F@%$&*% Our Koalas!]*% Our Koalas! (2:00) (Colbert starts laughing so hard he breaks character.)
 * The same clip has him talking about Guiness Book of World Records being his favorite alcohol sponsored reference book, even more than Captain Morgan's Rhyming Dictionary with words that rhyme with "arr" such as Tennessee Senatarr Lamarr Alexandarr.
 * Stephen Colbert finds out that semen was used by Mi:6 as an experimental invisible ink during World War I. He takes this concept and runs with it.
 * The Stephen Colbert/Steve Carrell verbal smackdown in a July 2010 episode.
 * Also doubling as a CMOA, his entire Curb Stomp Battle against a British Petroleum exec who gets run over repeatedly by a sea turtle in a hybrid while the bing.com logo flashes and Stephen sets some seagulls on him.
 * This installment of the long running series "Stephen Colbert's 2010 Midterm Republican Gubernatorial Primary Battle Watch '010", featuring the first appearance of Basil Marceaux.com. The whole thing is utterly insane, and ends with Colbert breaking down when he discusses Basil Marceaux.com's role as an agent of the Freedman's Bureau. Also, this part:

"Colbert: I've only got 1 question... who's rubbing their asses on our keyboards? They can at least leave a nice little note saying "I rubbed my ass here"."
 * The Delawert Report.
 * CHEERIOS! CHEERIOS, NO! WHY DID YOU TAKE THAT BULLET FOR ME?! CHEERIOS, NOOOOO! You can't die, Cheerios!
 * Stephen figuring out that there are more germs on the average keyboard than the average toilet seat.

"Carell: Two words Stephen: Dow ten-thousand. Colbert: White-water. Carell: Welfare reform. Colbert: Monica-gate. Carell: Eight years of peace. Colbert: Shut the fuck up! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! God your voice is like a jackal picking at my brain. I hate you! I hate who you are and what you do and how you sound and what you say! You're like a cancer on my life! God! [Beat] Carell: Well that was ugly and humiliating. You feel any better now?"
 * Even Stephen was a beautiful segment but this exchange is one of the best (regarding Bill Clinton):

"Stephen: Your ice-cream is pretty good...for 12:30. It's just not ready for the 11:30 time slot yet! Jimmy: Thanks, Steve. Your ice-cream is okay, too...as a palate cleanser for Tosh0. Stephen: And your ice-cream is like a Jimmy Fallon SNL sketch--halfway through you break down laughing and you can't finish it! (Jimmy suppresses his laughter)
 * Stephen trying his best to get a cat named Christiane Aman-purr to psychicly predict the outcome of the crisis in Egypt, by having it choose between two different food bowls marked "Democratic Uprising" and "Islamic Power Grab".
 * On the subject of Jimmy Fallon's new B&J ice cream.
 * To elaborate: Colbert is angry that Jimmy got a Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream flavor named after him as well. Fallon comes on the show to challenge him. They have an ice cream fight, and eat so much they get brain freeze and hallucinate that they're in Ben and Jerry world. And then they make up with a song. It's as amazing as it sounds.

Jimmy: Your ice-cream is like your cameo in Bewitched...I don't have an insult, I just wanted to remind everyone you were in Bewitched.

Stephen: YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"Stephen: Well, I guess the only way to settle this, Jimmy, is with an ice-cream eating contest! Jimmy: Yes! Whichever ice-cream tastes better, logically can be eaten faster! Stephen: Just like the best wines are the ones you can chug!"
 * Jon Stewart apparently fights diabetes with a bat.
 * And then they decide to settle the score with an ice-cream eating contest:

"Once a year, Jon Kyl retreats to the Arizona Desert and deposits 2 million egg sacs under the sand. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement . On weekends, Jon Kyl shoots manatees with paintball guns. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement . Citing religious reasons, Jon Kyl refuses to utter the number 8. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement."
 * Stephen Colbert's Twitter campaign on Jon Kyl using the hashtag: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement . Some examples:

"Colbert: Folks, there is electricity in the air, (reaches under his desk) and if you resist arrest, in your central nervous system! (brandishes tazer, to no avail) It's fucking broken..."
 * Colbert mentions going on a religion bender (i.e. Catholicism) while trying to give up religion on Lent. He almost makes it, but in the closing days he going and getting drunk on religion the way people go out and get shitfaced. He even remembers saying a "Hail Mary" and an "Our Father" at the same time--"that's right, the Catholic speedball."
 * Vacsa-not-masturbating. "It is a set of realistic prosthetic arms, that make it look like you're just going about your business, so that no one will know that you're going about your business." Cue Colbert hiding his mouth behind the suit's jacket to conceal just how hard he's laughing. Furthermore, showing that Vacsa-Not Masturbating can be used to free you up to handle the issue of restless leg syndrome at a romantic dinner, driving to work, even during a high profile TV interview.
 * This Current Events article. You know it's gonna be a long segment when the tazer used to help in the introduction decides to phone it in...

"Colbert: Goodbye! I'll see you in hell!"
 * Colbert making a Really Dead Montage of the entirety of civilization due to the belief that the world was going to end on May 21.

""I am as giddee as a schoolgirl who just shot Bin Laden in the eye. In the eye! Hey, Osama, No 3D movies for you in hell.""
 * Most if not all of The Colbert Report on Bin Laden. Highlights include:
 * The aforementioned celebration.
 * Because Barack Obama did kill Bin Laden he was going to lay off the insults and sets an egg timer for how long he'll lay off the insults. Then parodies Obama walking out to give the announcement claiming it to be self indulgent.
 * "Folks, I can not put this any plainer that golly gee willikers, by which I mean suck my giant American balls Al Qaeda."
 * His inability to get over Bin Laden being shot in the eye.

""And I hope I am never again this happy over someone's death. And I'm sure, I know if I saw myself in the mirror I would be appalled by the look on my face." (holds up mirror) "Nope I like this. That's a good look. I want to stay like this forever.""
 * And as he jogs over to speak to one of his guests he turns to the camera, goes "whooo!" and makes a finger gun motion by his eye.

""See? Just sharks. So with Bin Laden gone we have nothing to worry about so long as no one chums the ocean." (cue report on Bin Laden's burial at sea) "Noooooo!!! You fools!!! Don't you realize the Fukishima plant is leaking massive amounts of radiation into the sea, and if a mutant shark combines with Bin Laden's DNA we could be facing the summer of Fin Laden!!!""
 * After a report on college kids celebrating Stephan Colbert brings up how young they would have been when 9/11 happened, so he brings up a montage on the spate of shark attacks that was the big news before the terrorist attack.

"Stephen: Think The Black Belles are ready for the Colbert Bump? Jack: What's a Colbert Bump? Stephen: You, motherfucker are about to find out!"
 * Bin Laden's death raises a lot of questions. For ecample, whether Muammar Gaddafi owns a bullet proof pair of Ray Bans.
 * And at the end of the show Stephan Colbert's face lights up when the egg timer rings, meaning he can make fun of Barack Obama again.
 * Colbert reports on Italian officials seizing a shipment of tap shoes headed for North Korea, which has a ban from the UN on "luxury goods" being shipped to Kim Jong Il's government. Colbert runs with the absurdity of the implications, and then brings out a tap dancing troupe composed of six dancers cosplaying as Dear Leader.
 * And then Colbert joins in.
 * Stephen's entire several-part segment with Jack White. The entire time, Jack seemed to be wondering just how the hell he got himself into this.

"Colbert: This is America; our vaginas speak English! (loses it)"
 * Making fun of the controversial commercials for Summer's Eve feminine wash (which use hands-as-puppets as "stand-ins"). The version target at black women is described as "having an urban feel to it", and Steve finally loses it at the Latina stand-in, which asks to "get rid of that leopard print thong; "

"Stephen: (closing out the segment) And if you salt the tampons in tequila, don't salt the rim! We'll be right back! (turns away from the camera to laugh his ass off)"
 * Then there's Stephen's response in the form of a dick creme...
 * Summer's Eve was parodied again with a fake commercial by Jeff Bridges.
 * Colbert's entire expose on Patrick Rogers.
 * "I also see that I'm reaching the Muslim vote when I received a donation from somebody named "Suq Madiq." I trust this is a real person, and assume that his parents are very proud of him... his father, Liqa Madiq, and his mother, who still goes by her maiden name, [name "Munchma Quchi" comes up, prompting Stephen to corpse harder than ever, before he can read it]."
 * "Munchma Quchi" has now become a Running Gag on the show.
 * The Sept. 6, 2011 Cheating Death segment introduces Vaxamalgam, the one-pod-of-pills-fused-together-fits-all cure to insomnia, drowsiness, angina, eczema, dry mouth, damp mouth, constipation, diarrhea, night terrors, day terrors, brunch terrors, sore throat, Deep Throat, lockjaw, slackjaw, jabberjaw, nausea, rashes, heart arrhythmia, erectile dysfunction, blood in urine, urine in blood, shingles, cedar shake, aluminum siding, or whatever that yellow one does. Depending on what condition you have, Vaxamalgam will cure it... or cause it. Side effects include asperger helper, Jimmy-crack-corneas, and explosive diorama.
 * You also should not take it with milk...but that shouldn't be a problem as it's a suppository. (Mind you, it's about the length and width of a tv remote, sooo...)
 * September 12, 2011: Colbert reports on a seemingly irrelevant story at length before revealing that
 * September 13, 2011: Stephen's guest, Al Gore accidentally breaks the fourth wall and mentions Stephen's "character." Stephen's reaction is priceless.
 * After Stephen ended his 6-month long best friendship with Jimmy Fallon, Anderson Cooper offers his friendship to Stephen, along with a plug for his daytime show, but is rejected with a Too Soon. The exact same thing happens with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night the next night.
 * In this clip from the June 24th, 1999 shot on The Daily Show about the end of the show "Another World": Stephen's real name isn't actually Colbert, and he's.
 * What happens to girls on Ibuprofen? At about 4:50, you can find out too!.
 * Stephen Colbert relentlessly mocks the "vodka tamponing", especially when he learns that girls aren't the only ones doing it. Even worse, Stephen has to stop himself from Corpsing right in the middle of his delivery.

""A couple of times a year, the network sometimes asks me to do an integrated sponsorship, which I love - the money's green and I'm in. These sponsortunities have led to some of our most memorable segments, from the Hail to the Cheese Stephen Colbert's Nacho Cheese Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign coverage, to last week's Syrian Atrocity Update, Brought to You by Fruit Roll-Ups. Fruit Roll-Ups: overthrow your tastebuds.""
 * Worse still, it's not just girls doing it. I'll let your mind run with that.
 * Horrifying news! Norway has run out of butter! And they will soon be overrun by the butter cartels. When that happens, we will see such things as desperate butter mules swallowing condoms filled with sticks of Land 'O Lakes, then push them on the streets of Oslo to spreadheads tweaking on shortbread. Butter kingpins will be meeting by the docks to move bales of fresh-churned Golden Cow, then test its purity by backing apple turnovers in the back of a truck. In short: things will get ugly and delicious.
 * The January 11, 2012 episode, where Mitt Romney's winning the New Hampshire primary and Stephen's coming to the realization that he might just have to settle for him is treated like the climax of a Romantic Comedy, complete with a gay best friend who gives advice.
 * The February 23, 2012 segment with the Wheat Thins sponsortunity. It all was funny:

"Stephen Colbert: [with his mouth full] This feels right. But I still want more. [to the audience] Whaddaya say? Shoud I go for seventeen? [Audience shouts "YEAH!" Colbert reaches below his desk and pulls out a seventeenth Wheat Thin. As he is about to put it in his mouth, the show promptly cuts to a "Technical Difficulties" image for about four seconds. When it cuts back, Colbert's mouth is empty, a lawyer is standing behind him, and Colbert is reading another sheet of paper]
 * Then there's the hilariously specific memo that states that Stephen cannot be shown eating more than 16 Wheat-Thins promoting the product on the show. He jams all 16 into his mouth:

Stephen Colbert: I would like to apologize to Wheat Thins, and the entire Nabisco family of snackable products. I thought that I was building a purposeful experience relevent to the brand but I see now that I was being a crusader and/or a rebel."

""I have always felt a special kinship with the land down under. After all, if my Irish great-great grandfather Seamus Connolly hadn't jumped off that Sydney-bound convict ship, right now, I'd be doing segments like Tip of the Bush Hat / Wag of the Didgeridoo, and Alpha Dingo of the Week. So I assume that Australians celebrate Easter just like us, except of course below the equator, where Jesus comes out of the tomb counter-clockwise.""
 * Most of the People Who Are Destroying America - Teachers segment. FRAUD!
 * Stephen's nihilistic monologue after Stuart Varney tells us that things are getting worse because they're getting better.
 * Mitt Romney's camp produces an app that comes with the typo, "For a Better Amercia. Colbert runs with it as a new nation, and Hilarity Ensues as he recites Amercia's national anthem: a version of America's with nearly every single word misspelled and mispronounced. Then, at the end, a banner drops down saying "Ronmey 2102", and Colbert chants, "S! U! A! S! U! A!"
 * Stephen's April 9, 2012 segment about the Easter Bilby in Australia, where he mentions this: