Celebrian

""Oh, thank you, great-king-with-balls-of-fire,"

king-whose-great-rod-my-mouth-yearns-for." ""Go on, silver bitch. You may not yet stuff your mouth with my"

wondrous rod."

Infamous Lord of the Rings fanfic that it is widely regarded as one of the worst fanfics ever written, to the point of Memetic Mutation. Celebri Â­an, here spelled sans accent, is a briefly mentioned tertiary character in The Lord of the Rings (she's actually Elrond's wife in canon but she doesn't get any development) who gets kidnapped by orcs and is subjected to several forms of rape, Body Horror, and other Squick for over 21,000 words. It is widely regarded as really bad, but there are still others that find it comedic for [[Beyond the Impossible the extensive lengths it goes off the deep end]], along with the [[Narm sheer ridiculousness of the dialogue and prose]]. Either way, reading it is regarded as something of an endurance test - finish reading "Celebrian", and you can read just about anything.

Several complaints are not that it is BAD, but that it is DULL;

""When I'd finally psyched myself up to read it, I could hardly get"

past the first page, not because I was so disgusted, but because it was so inordinately DULL. How is it possible to make so much porn so freaking BORING?"

It can be found [here], if you want to give it a shot. You'll probably also need some Brain Bleach. Needless to say, it's NSFW.

Some brave soul decided to do Celebrian's first dramatic reading. Here's the Intro. Needless to say, they start going quite insane by the second part. And the fifth. And the sixth, where the reader becomes drugged on NyQuil.

This fanfic provides examples of: supremely disappointed that her small breasts which are beautiful by elven standards do not please him. mind the warts on top of zits on top of carbuncles on top of unnamed bumps. through the story. Nightmare Fuel and Squick you just can't look away. is detailed, but Celebrian actually was kidnapped, tortured, and poisoned by Orcs in the backstory to The Lord of the Rings. That in no way excuses the Canon Defilement or the existence of this work. lavender labia. eventually develops mouths on her eyelids]]. though.]] possible for the reader to imagine how exactly they fit on her torso. ""No, bitch. You know the rules. Name thyself."
 * A-Cup Angst: When Celebrian first meets the goblin/orc king, she is
 * A Date with Rosie Palms
 * Added Alliterative Appeal: "lavender labia"
 * Biggus Dickus
 * Body Horror:  Never
 * EVERYTHING.
 * Breast Expansion Celebrian's bust becomes monstrously large halfway
 * Bile Fascination: It's... It's so incredibly, horrifyingly full of
 * Canon Defilement: In spades.
 * You don't hear much of it in the main story, and not all the action
 * Dead Baby Comedy: Albeit unintentionally.
 * Erotic Dream
 * Exotic Equipment: The orc king's warty cock and Celebrian's
 * Eye Scream: After [[spoiler: giving so many orcs blowjobs, Celebrian
 * Actually, [[spoiler: those are just tattoos. Still pretty squick
 * Fetish Retardant
 * Gag Boobs: Celebrian's breasts are described as so big, it's barely
 * Happiness in Slavery
 * Happy Ending: In a twisted sort of way.
 * I Have Many Names:

She stared at the cruel king. Then slowly and deliberately, she"

named herself. ""Cock-sucker. Ball-licker. Cum-drinker. Cock-lover. King's-sheath."

Dick-sucker." you call that "romance", at least. implied when Celebrian becomes spoiler: uninterested in her husband's small, wartless penis and begins to pine for something...larger and wartier. survive it while still retaining one's sanity. Assuming, of course, you don't have some very odd fetishes, that is. yet, and is already deeply disturbed by the images this page has created. ice cream tastes exactly like the Goblin/Orc king's cum spoiler: and proceeds to eat A LOT OF IT. Good incentive to go dairy free after reading this fic? referred to as "C*l*br**n" or "C*l*b*i*n".
 * Interspecies Romance: Elf/orc, . If
 * I Showed Her What A Real Man Is: Once you go...warty...you never go back?
 * "It's Not Rape If You Enjoyed It": Heavily
 * Mars Needs Women
 * Memetic Mutation
 * MST: Generally considered the only way to enjoy it at all, or even
 * My Girl Is a Slut: And how!
 * Narm
 * Nausea Fuel: Where to begin?
 * Nightmare Fuel: This troper hasn't even read it
 * When Celebrian  she finds that
 * Rape Is Love
 * Snark Bait
 * Squick: Let's start with the warts...
 * The Scottish Trope: Among certain parts of the fanfic community, it's
 * Troll Fic: One of the most infamous.
 * You Fail Biology Forever
 * You Fail Sex Ed Forever