Ross Noble

""This isn't the most linear show you're likely to see.""

- Ross Noble's massive understatement on his "Unrealtime" DVD.

You might not think that such hilarity would come from a hairy geordie bloke talking bollocks for two hours. But it does.

Ross Noble is an English comedian, but unlike any other. His ability to improvise, his tendency to go off on strange, but relevant, tangents and the influence the audience has over him mean no two of his shows, even on the same tour, are alike. In the best possibly way, though, as there is a kind of surreal, stream-of-consciousness logic to what he says.

As the man himself describes it: "It's a bit like gluing meat to your face." ...Y'know, because it seems odd to most people, but it sort of has logic behind it: "They might just be trying to ward off the advances of an amorous vegan!"

Television appearances beyond stand up have mostly been on Have I Got News for You, usually next to the similarly surreal Paul Merton, and an Australian travelogue programme following a stand up tour. He has also appeared on QI in the most recent series.

He doesn't do drugs. Honestly. He doesn't even drink.

Tropes associated with Ross Noble:
""I'm not saying he's a Nazi because he's German. I'm saying he's a Nazi 'cos he is one.""
 * All Germans Are Nazis: Subverted when he talks about the new Pope, ZE CARDINAL!! RATZINGER!!!

""John. I've seen your face in the top of a muffin, mate. I'd stay indoors for a bit.""
 * Artifact of Death:

""It's like a never-ending spiral of possibilities!""
 * Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny: The cause of a lot of his tangents. Especially minor, odd things he notices the audience or even himself doing.
 * One example is a five minute spot he had a Canadian comedy festival, he never actually got to any of his material he spent the whole time talking about the architecture of the stage.
 * This even applies to his DVD commentaries, the finest example of which has to be the Things show commentary. He spends at least fifteen minutes interrupting himself and going off on tangents, and, in fact, interrupts his tangents to go off on more tangents. As the man himself says,

""When's someone gonna turn round to Bono and go, "OI BONO! TAKE THOSE GLASSES OFF! YOU LOOK LIKE A TWAT!!! YOU'RE FROM IRELAND! YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN OWN SUNGLASSES!!!""
 * Berserk Button: Bono. F'ckin-BONO!?

""That's one for the fans, you see.""
 * Religious folks, too, somewhat.
 * Bizarchitecture: The oyster-shaped car showroom was built to be Noble's "Oyster Domain!".
 * Ross also has no idea what the big orange thing/aka. the set of his Randomist tour. He thinks it looks like an Easyjet plane crash.
 * Brick Joke: His Nonsensory Overload show had him reference his famous "meat-on-the-face" bit from Live at the Apollo from 2004. Said bit was in reference to Lady Gaga's 'meat dress' and was given with no explanation whatsoever, making it quite a non-sequitur for a few people. Lampshaded immediately afterwards.

""And then you took the words right out of my mouth!/I was thinkin' about the shitty quality of the wolf./You won the wolf at a fairground?/It's clearly gonna burst into flames when you give it to a child.""
 * Broken Record: "Bummed in the Face!" Bummed in the face? Bummed in the face!
 * There's a face. Next muffin... There's a face. Next muffin... There's a face...... Next muffin.
 * Moving and touching and touching and moving and touching and moving and moving and touching And touching and moving and moving and touching...
 * Cloudcuckoolander: "My missus has to live with it all the time!"
 * Crosses the Line Twice: Jesus curing the lepers at Live at the Apollo. While playing Table Tennis, and then using the noise of cured lepers to play music as a Leper Organ.
 * And of course, "the mating call of the retarded Jesus".
 * Ending Fatigue: Lampshaded: WHAT HAPPENED AT LIVE 8 ROSS?
 * "I hope we find out what the second thing is."
 * Everythings Better With Monkeys: Most shows contain references to monkeys. For example after Australians keep wishing him a "Great day!" instead of a nice day, Noble muses that a "great" day would involve a visit to the zoo and seeing children being attacked by monkeys.
 * "They're like babies, but better!"
 * Everythings Better With Plushies: The shitty wolf toy someone brought along in his Fizzy Logic DVD. "He shall be named Randy-Pan."

""...AND HE WAS RIDING A GOLDEN DONKEY!""
 * Expospeak Gag: "An Owl Neck Detection Device... which is really just a stick with a pointy bit on it"
 * Fee Fi Faux Pas: A truly legendary example happened in Adelaide during the 2012 tour. During the interval, one of the items left on the stage was a piece of smiley fritz (a kind of ham made to look like a face that is exclusive to South Australia), and Ross decided that it was the most bogan thing he'd ever seen, immediately launching into making fun of it. He put his hands all over it then put it on his face, but it slid off too easily, so he borrowed the sunglasses of a woman in the front row to hold it on there. So he put the fritz on his face and then the glasses on top, making them all sticky. When done, he apologised, admitting sheepishly that he hoped the woman wasn't vegetarian. Ross very apologetically offered to buy her new glasses and give her free merchandise, admitting that he would be dining out on the story for a long time.
 * Foreign Queasine: At one point during his Australian trip, Ross has the pleasure of trying Pig Nipples, Duck's Nuts, and pickled Lamb's Brain.
 * A Good Name for A Rock Band: Fizzy Logic gives us Simian Artillery and The Latecomers. Both of which are now actual bands.
 * 'Arse maneuvers' is suggested during Headspace Cowboy.
 * Improbable Weapon User: In Fizzy Logic, Ross suggests that a big burly audience member named Peter can kill a wolf with his big burly cock.
 * Inherently Funny Words: Uses 'mofo's' and 'Fiddy' to their full comic effect parodying Fifty Cent.
 * It Makes Sense in Context: ...at least it will if you don't drift off and lose track of what he's saying. Or turn up late.
 * No, if you turn up late, you will be guaranteed to be worked in to his current and all future tangents.
 * Parodied on one of his shows (possibly Nobleism) when he started talking about his mate's plums and said it would be unfortunate if somebody stopped paying attention then turned their mind back to the anecdote, because knowing him it would end up being something like

""No Ross, we don't know... we've all got lives and that.""
 * Mundane Utility: Using laser eye-beams to heat soup.
 * Off the Rails: Whenever he appears on Good News Week, he causes games to go off the rails, usually with whatever toys the producers were stupid enough to give him.
 * Or Hijacking whatever toys they happened to give the person sitting next to him. Granted, it was still stupid to give a big smokey hat to anyone remotely near Ross Noble.
 * This would apply to his live shows as well, except that assumes that they have rails to begin with.
 * One of Us: There is evidence. Like the night vision goggles he bought off ebay. And the references to Ghost Rider, which flies over many of the audience's heads:

"Ross: Fran! Do we need nappies?
 * His Get This appearances make this straight up fact. His knowledge of Brit Coms is on the same level as Tony Martin.
 * Out Gambitted: By his wife (before they were married.)

Fran: No Ross, it's alright You bloody idiot!"

""PISS IS GONNA COME OUT OF OUR EYES!!!""
 * Overly Long Gag: "Quick! This child is being bummed in the face!" "What?" "Bummed in the face! Help, this child is being bummed in the face!" "I can't understand a word you're saying!" "Bummed in the face!" "Bummed in the face you say?" This went on for about ten minutes.
 * Running Gag: Frequently, but only within each individual show.
 * Sorry Billy but You Just Don't Have Legs: In one show of the Things tour, one of the tangents involved a Street Urchin with rickets wanting to join Riverdance.
 * Throw It In: Just about everything he does in his stand up routines.
 * Urine Trouble: His shows go on for a while, so occasionally he'll refer to people desperately waiting for the interval so they can go to the toilet.