Christmas Songs



""All of a sudden there comes Christmas, and there is an absolute tidal wave of darling little girls and sweet little boys making millions of dollars on records singing enchanting little Christmas songs that are perfectly nauseating.""

- Anna Russell

In the days when sales of vinyl singles really did control the position of songs in the charts, Christmas was the time when Glurge-laden songs topped the charts for weeks as children bought them for grandparents (and grandparents for grandchildren). Ubiquitous in stores, malls, and practically every other place with a PA system in November and December. Every so often somebody will pen an Anti-Christmas Song as an antidote, but the only real way to escape the onslaught is to become a Hikikomori - or go off the grid entirely - for two months a year.

Nevertheless, everyone's got an album that they lovingly pull out from the bottom of the CD cabinet when December rolls around. Despite all the cheap, irritating, and soulless renditions (and re-renditions, and re-re-renditions ad nauseum) to be heard all over the place during the holiday season, the original simple melodies are still there, just waiting to be heard and to remind us why these songs really are merry and bright.

In other words, when done right, these are still indisputably Awesome Music.

By the way, traditional hymns centered around the Nativity are the actual Christmas carols. Tunes about snowfall or Santa are just plain ol' Christmas songs (or, in some cases, winter songs).

Trivia note: At the end of the Vietnam War, as the North Vietnamese Army reached the outskirts of Saigon, the American Forces Radio Service had to alert Americans in the area without panicking the local populace, all while in the process of smashing their equipment and recordings. As one Vietnam vet put it, he knew the end was near when AFRS began playing Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas" in April.

If you're looking for the story by Charles Dickens, that's A Christmas Carol. (Except when it's Yet Another Christmas Carol.)

Straight
"But I'd never steal from Santa, 'cause that ain't right So I headed home to mail it back to him that night But when I got home, I bugged, 'cause under the tree Was a letter from Santa that said the dough was for me!"
 * "Jingle Bells".
 * Also known for the parody lyrics "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg...", which came full circle when, in Batman: The Animated Series, The Joker himself sang them.
 * There's also a Japanese version, minus the phrase "Jingle Bells", sung by Japanese pro wrestlers.
 * "Jingle Bells" is probably the single best-known and most widely-performed Christmas song of them all...which is rather ironic, given that it doesn't really have anything to do with Christmas specifically, secular or religious... it's actually a song about young guys in 1850s Medford, Massachusetts, who used to drag-race their one-horse sleighs in the town square. There's a small, hard to find plaque in said town square to commemorate it.
 * "Bjällerklang", the Swedish version, is about getting out of the house to avoid getting Cabin Fever, not drag racing. The verses have a slightly altered melody. The first part of the chorus has the same melody as the American version. However, a second chorus with a melody not used in the American version is sung after the original chorus.
 * "Do They Know It's Christmas?", first done by BandAid in 1984 to raise money for the victims of the Ethiopian famine. The subsequent Live Aid concert and charity appeal raised about £150m. Sadly, it may have actually made the situation worse- some journalists have claimed the money ended up in the hands of the military junta, who used for an enforced resettlement program. Up to 100,000 people may have been killed as a result. The earlier civil war had actually made the famine worse.
 * As for the song itself, it contains an instance of Did Not Do the Research with the line "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time". Tell that one to the people of Kenya...
 * Also, "No rain or rivers flow..." except, ya know, that longest river in the world... (the fucking Nile!)
 * Critics reportedly responded poorly to the two subsequent renditions of the song (in 1988 and 2004) because they felt that they were cashing in on the original, which they said, in spite of it's obvious drawbacks, had it's heart in the right place.
 * The Pogues' "Fairytale of New York". Notable for turning into an insult fest mid-way through, which was controversially censored by Radio 1 in 2007 for a couple of days. Interestingly, Radio 2 (which has a decidedly less daring reputation than its lower-numbered sister station) played it unexpurgated.
 * Special mention should be made of this song. It doesn't celebrate Christmas at all (It's merely set on Christmas Eve). It is more about the eroding of dreams and the people you've come to hate (but are stuck with). The British keep voting it "Best Christmas Song" in various polls. Something about being stuck with family resonates with us, we think.
 * "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" by John Lennon.
 * Not to mention "Wonderful Christmastime", by Sir Paul McCartney.
 * Jars of Clay released a cover if one wishes to hear a version much lighter on the synthesizers.
 * And if you'd like to hear the song with even more synthesizers, Earthsuit has you covered.
 * Speaking of The Beatles, there's always "Christmas Time Is Here Again", a delightful ditty composed especially for their 1967 fan club single.
 * "Merry Xmas Everybody" by Slade is pretty much the Christmas song in England, as it's heard in shops across the country the minute they start advertising "It's almost Christmas", which is usually around mid-October.
 * "Last Christmas", Wham. Covered by Billie Piper and by Taylor Swift.
 * And for you Anime fans out there, Rei Hino/Sailor Mars
 * "Christmas Time is Here", Ray Parker Jr.
 * "The Little Drummer Boy".
 * The counterpoint duet "Peace on Earth"/"Little Drummer Boy", created for a 1977 Christmas Special, has endured for upwards of 30 years due to its unique teaming of David Bowie and Bing Crosby. Depending on your mindset, it can be enjoyed straight or as kitsch.
 * "Silver Bells" - Debuted in a now little known holiday comedy starring Bob Hope called The Lemon-Drop Kid.
 * "Do You Hear What I Hear" - An allegorical Christmas song dealing with the Cuban Missile Crisis -- explanation here.
 * "Carol of the Bells"
 * Also known as "Ring Christmas Bells" or "that creepy Christmas song", especially after it was prominently featured in Home Alone.
 * Pink Martini recently did a cover of this in its original Ukrainian, called "Shchedryk" (Nightingales).
 * "White Christmas"
 * Insert cocaine joke here.
 * Insert racism joke here.
 * Insert wry observation here: The composer, Irving Berlin, was Jewish.
 * Insert sexual innuendo here.
 * And the practically unknown verse places the dreamer in Beverly Hills.
 * Here is the song in all of it's glory. Sung by Bing Crosby
 * And the Frank Sinatra version.
 * The Otis Redding version, which may very well me the most emotionally heart-breaking version. (Contemplated putting in the glurge section.
 * And for you Anime fans, there is a Sailor Mars version.
 * Sufjan Stevens put out a 5-CD box set of Christmas songs, both old and new. His original songs include "Get Behind Me, Santa!", "Sister Winter", "We're Goin' To The Country", "Put The Lights on the Tree", "That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!" and "Come On! Let's Boogey to the Elf Dance!"
 * Trans-Siberian Orchestra pretty much built their career on this, their alter-egos being a more conventional rock group that despite multiple albums made no money whatsoever until they had a crossover hit with Christmas tunes. Several full albums of such followed.
 * Mannheim Steamroller's best-known work has been Christmas music.
 * "Christmastime is Here" by Vince Guaraldi, from A Charlie Brown Christmas.
 * "The Christmas Song" (often known by its opening line 'Chestnuts roasting on an open fire'), written by Mel Tormé and Bob Wells, performed by Nat King Cole and various others.
 * "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", which was written for Meet Me in St Louis and has something of an interesting history.
 * Sleigh Ride. Ignore the stupid, tacked-on lyrics that were added later. The original version by Leroy Anderson features a nifty tempo shift halfway through.
 * Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
 * "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" - America's favorite bit of Christmas "folklore" that was originally created as a marketing gimmick for Montgomery Ward. Really.
 * After Gene Autry's version of "Rudolph" became a big hit, a couple of songwriters realized they could write a song that stupid, so they wrote "Frosty the Snowman" and gave it to Gene Autry to sing.
 * The band Low recorded a mini-album of Christmas songs, some original ("Just Like Christmas"), some cover versions ("Blue Christmas") and some traditional ("Silent Night", "The Little Drummer Boy").
 * "I Believe in Father Christmas", by Greg Lake. Some folk who don't listen closely to the lyrics have mistaken this song for being anti-religious; however, Word of God says it's really about growing up and growing out of some childhood illusions. Sarah Brightman's cover of this seems to underline it, since she sang it in this oddly childlike voice.
 * Also covered by Vertical Horizon for a Christmas compilation album.
 * Celebrate Me Home by Kenny Loggins
 * "Niño Lindo" and "Si la Virgen fuera Andina", two popular Venezuelan Christmas songs who, rare in the genre, actually remember why Christmas is called that. Popularized by the versions of several child chorus and the ones by Nancy Ramos; the latter musical career has essentially reduced to singing those.
 * "Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus" is an English-Spanish song involving a kid waiting up for Santa.
 * "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses is a cute story about a woman trying to get together with a guy. Various mishaps result in one or the other of them not making the date, until on Christmas Eve, their individual decisions to just sit out Christmas as a result of a hectic year gets them together.
 * "Someday at Christmas"
 * "Please Come Home for Christmas"
 * "Merry Christmas, Baby"
 * The Killers tend to release a Christmas song each December with the proceeds going to charity. So far they've recorded:
 * "A Great Big Sled" (2006), a Springsteenian ode to lost innocence, produced by famed British alt rock producer Alan Moulder.
 * "Don't Shoot Me Santa" (2007), a novelty song about Santa attempting to kill Brendon Flowers. Currently the best selling of all their Christmas singles.
 * "Joseph, Better You Than Me" (2008), a gospel-fused song featuring Neil Tennant and Elton John
 * "¡Happy Birthday, Guadalupe!" (2009), a Mexican-pop flavored love song featuring indie rockers Wild Light and Mariachi El Bronx, the mariachi alter-ego of the SoCal punk band The Bronx
 * "Boots" (2010), a melancholy piece of nostalgia featuring samples from It's a Wonderful Life.
 * "The Cowboys' Christmas Ball" (2011), an uptempo, country-sounding somg with aa Retraux video.
 * Christmas (Baby Please Come Home), originally recorded by Darlene Love, covered by everyone from U2 to Death Cab For Cutie.
 * O Tannenbaum, also known as "O Christmas Tree" in English. Shares its melody with the official state song of Maryland.
 * Silent Night - written in Austria on Christmas eve of 1818, has one of the most recognized melodies in world.
 * Enya version can be found here.
 * Used in Madeleine L'Engle's A House Like a Lotus, when people from all over the world at a little conference come together and sing Silent Night in their native languages.
 * Franz Schubert's version of Ave Maria.
 * "What Child Is This", set to the tune of the (non-Christmas) folk song "Greensleeves".
 * "Greensleeves"
 * "What Child Is This"
 * "O Come All Ye Faithful"
 * "Deck The Halls"
 * "O Holy Night"
 * "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" - Some useful trivia: nowhere in the original version do you find the word "ye".
 * Hark The Herald Angels Sing
 * We Wish You A Merry Christmas
 * Good King Wenceslas
 * Used in The Dark Is Rising as a favorite carol of the Old Ones. Also mocked in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather.
 * Also used memorably in Love Actually.
 * The First Noel
 * The Holly and the Ivy.
 * "Do You Know How Christmas Trees Are Grown?" from On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
 * One of the few bilingual Christmas songs to regularly get radio airplay, Jose Feliciano's "Feliz Navidad/I want to wish you a Merry Christmas."
 * "Jesus Christ" by Big Star, Alternative Rock's very own Christmas anthem.
 * This Christmas Covered by numerous artists in the 40 years since its release, but NO version is better than the classic original by Donny Hathaway.
 * "Give Love On Christmas Day", recorded by The Temptations, Jackson 5, and Johnny Gill.
 * Run DMC's "Christmas In Hollis." Recorded for a 1985 charity album, it features Run telling the tale of stumbling upon Santa's very full wallet in a city park, and being tempted to keep it—but then he decides to do good by returning it, and is miraculously rewarded:


 * Anyone else have a soft spot for Twinkle Twinkle Little Me? It's beautiful.
 * "Silent Hill", by Thomas Howard. No relation to the actual Silent Hill.
 * Oddly enough, "When You Wish Upon A Star" is considered a Christmas song in Japan, Finland, Sweden, Norway and Denmark. The star referred to is probably the star that led the Magi.
 * In Scandinavia it's possibly tied to Disney's tv special "From All of Us to All of You", a perennial must-see.
 * The Nutcracker Suite, by Tchaikovsky. Either the straight orchestra version, or various interpretations. Notably, a swing version originally peformed by Les Brown and his Band of Renown, later played by the Brian Setzer Orchestra.
 * There Is also a Jazz Rendition of the whole Suite that was arranged by Duke Ellington and Billy Strayhorn as apart of the album Three Suites that includes a Jazz rendition of Grieg's "Peer Gynt Suite" and "Suite Thursday" his tribute to John Steinbeck. You can hear the whole thing starting here.
 * "Merry Christmas, Darling" by The Carpenters. Borderlines on Glurge (because of the way it's sung more than the lyrics; this is the Carpenters, mind you).
 * Probably worth mentioning here but there is actually a Mariasama ga Miteru Christmas Album. No original songs but several of the seiyuu singing Christmas Carols.
 * "I'll Be Home for Christmas", which debuted during the height of World War II.
 * "Some Children See Him", one of a number of carols written by Alfred Burt. Can be Glurge-ified because of its Anvilicious socio-political message.
 * Coldplay's "Christmas Lights" provides us with yet another example of heartbreak at Christmas.
 * Angels and Airwaves' "Star of Bethlehem". In the album's final release, it was split into two songs: "Star of Bethlehem" and "True Love".
 * "We Need a Little Christmas", written for The Musical version of Auntie Mame.
 * Carbon Leaf's Christmas Child album has several original Christmas and winter-themed songs, including the title song about a child counting down the days left, and "Red Punch, Green Punch" about the type of family Christmas parties you find boring as a child but fondly look back on later.
 * Auld Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg is technically a Christmas song, as it mentions that the events of the song happen on Christmas Eve (Probably because the songwriter needed something that rhymed with "sleeve"). The song is actually about a guy who runs into an ex-girlfriend by chance and the two of them spending the evening catching up on what they've been doing since the apparently amiable breakup.
 * Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. It's a song that gets played all the time on the radio. It also serves for a crazy dance.
 * "Jingle Bell Rock"
 * "March of the Toy Soldiers"
 * "Frosty the Snowman"
 * "The 12 Days of Christmas"
 * "Winter Wonderland"
 * "My Favorite Things", taken from The Sound of Music
 * "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas"
 * "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year"
 * "I don't want a lot for christmas... there is just one thing I need...". Listen to the radio regularly during December, and you will DEFINITELY hear this song.

Parody/Humorous
"Once in Royal David’s City Stood a lowly cattle shed, Where a mother laid her baby. You’d do well to remember the things He later said. When you’re stuffing yourselves at the Christmas parties, You’ll laugh when I tell you to take a running jump. You’re missing the point I’m sure does not need making; The Christmas spirit is not what you drink..."
 * "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" by Dr. Elmo
 * And the sequel song, "Grandpa's Gonna Sue the Pants Off of Santa"
 * There was... an acoustic blues version of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" done by Poe
 * Dr. Elmo also made a 2000 election version - cue the hanging chad jokes.
 * This troper also swears he heard another sequel song: "Please Don't Make Me Play That Grandma Song Again" (That one, I can believe.)
 * You are correct. This troper has it on CD; Dr. Elmo takes the role of a beleaguered radio DJ who is weary of playing that song. The self-deprecating humor (he criticizes his own singing) is brilliant.
 * Da Yoopers did a parody called "Grandpa Got Run Over by a Beer Truck."
 * You know what? He released an entire album this troper had when he was young. Not all of them were specifically sequel songs, but all but one of them were parody songs. It was pre-2000, but it had the other two songs already mentioned. The latter one was sung as a radio request DJ rather than as Dr. Elmo, though.
 * A parody of a parody: "Grandpa Got Runned Over by a John Deere" by Cledus T. Judd. And yes, it's still a Christmas song... sorta.
 * There was also (during the height of their career) a parody song called "New Kids Got Run Over By A Reindeer" ...
 * Most of the Bob Rivers catalogue.
 * Bob Dylan Must Be Santa. Nothing like a good old-fashioned Hanukkah themed Christmas song!
 * Jethro Tull with their whole Christmas Album (though a few almost play it straight, at least in spirit).
 * Also, 'A Christmas Song' one of their earlier songs (reworked on the Christmas Album). Starts off as a traditional carol and then changes theme.

"...[outro] Hey, Santa, pass that bottle will you?"

"The four calling birds were a big mistake / for their language was obscene / the five golden rings were completely fake / and they turned my fingers green!"
 * Rusty Chevrolet, an ode to The Alleged Car, again by Da Yoopers.
 * "Christmas at Ground Zero" and "The Night Santa Went Crazy", both by "Weird Al" Yankovic.
 * His song "Weasel Stomping Day", sung in typical Glurgical Christmas style, concerns a fictitious holiday in which people wear Viking helmets, spread mayonnaise on their lawns, and squish weasels under their boots.
 * Jonathan Coulton's "Chiron Beta Prime"
 * Don't forget "Podsafe Christmas Song" and "Christmas is Interesting".
 * "Have Yourself A Scary Little Christmas", album credited to Tales From the Crypt and the Cryptkeeper.
 * "Leroy the Redneck Reindeer," by Joe Diffie.
 * "Redneck 12 Days of Christmas," Jeff Foxworthy.
 * "Here's Your Sign Christmas," Bill Engvall (not really parody, but comedy if you like the performer).
 * "The Carol of the Old Ones"
 * "Death to the World
 * "Silent Night, Blasphemous Night
 * "It's The Most Horrible Time Of The Year
 * "Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones
 * "Oh Come All Ye Old Ones
 * "Away In A Madhouse
 * "Great Old Ones Are Coming To Town
 * "I'm Dreaming Of a Dead City
 * "Mi-Go We Have Heard On High
 * "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Fishmen
 * "A Christmas Carol" by Tom Lehrer
 * "Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy", Buck Owens, covered by pretty much every male country artist at one time or another.
 * "Santa Baby", Eartha Kitt, covered by pretty much every female artist at one time or another.
 * And Everclear.
 * Mystery Science Theater 3000's "Patrick Swayze Christmas"
 * and the Mike-Era Merry Christmas...If That's Okay which pokes fun at the whole Political Correctness Gone Mad & the whole stupid "War On Christmas" phenomenon.
 * "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
 * "Father Christmas", by The Kinks, in which a man playing Father Christmas outside a (presumably British) department store is mugged by street thugs. "Father Christmas, give us your money! Don't mess around with those silly toys!" Punkest Christmas song ever!
 * "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" by Spike Jones.
 * And "I'm The Angel In The Christmas Play" by the same, which is about an unrepentant delinquent cheerfully admitting to all the mischief he's been up to, ending each verse with an announcement that he's playing the angel in the school Christmas play.
 * "I Won't Be Home For Christmas" by Blink 182, with a chorus that goes "It's Christmas time again/It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand."
 * Also "Happy Holidays, You Bastard" - "It's Christmas Eve and I've only wrapped 2 f*** ing presents."
 * No Presents For Christmas by King Diamond.
 * Merry F** king Christmas and A Lonely Jew On Christmas, both from South Park.
 * Denis Leary has a Christmas special as well as a song by the title Merry F** king Chistmas, complete with overly cynical lyrics such as "Old St. Nick's got bourbon breath / It's so cold you could catch your death / A cop just sold me crystal meth / It's a merry f** king Christmas"
 * Sort of borderline, but Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight) by the Ramones.
 * "Ohhhh, Santa Claus, Santa Claus, You are much too fat..." The highlight of many an Elementary School Christmas performance.
 * Jingle Bell Metal by Psychostick contains parodies of several Christmas songs.
 * "Ho Ho [BEEP] Ho" by Kevin Bloody Wilson.
 * They Might Be Giants have a few, most of which involve Santa Claus acting like a dick to the narrator.
 * In A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All, Stephen performs the cheery, extremely unsubtle "Another Christmas Song", which is all about people buying "Another Christmas Song" and hopefully making it a yearly Christmas standard so that Stephen can get rich. Multiple levels of metafiction at once coupled with multiple levels of Special Effect Failure.
 * And let us not forget "Can I Interest You in Hanukkah?" the token multicultural song, and a sort of anthem for Informed Judaism.
 * And Toby Keith's "War on Christmas", a subtle (perhaps TOO subtle) parody of Strawman Political rants, swearing violent revenge against the forces of Political Correctness Gone Mad.
 * The cast of Sailor Moon Abridged did an album of parody songs, that can be bought on their site.
 * The "Christmas Scare-ols," written to give Disneyland visitors something to do while waiting in line for the Haunted Mansion Holiday attraction, comprise an assortment of traditional Christmas songs re-arranged in a minor key and with the lyrics altered to reflect the sensibilities of the denizens of Halloween Town.
 * Tiny Tim released the jaw-dropping "Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year."
 * Disturbingly, there are two novelty Christmas songs about fisting: "XXXMas Song" by Vinnie and the Stardusters and "Fist Me This Christmas" by the Wet Spots.
 * "The Twelve Days After Christmas" focuses on the downsides of owning all the gifts from its namesake song, and the nasty breakup between the "true loves" that results.

"No more Christmas singles They're worse than any war If we hear Aled Jones again We'll throw up on the floor"
 * The title works only because many people don't realize that the actual "Twelve Days of Christmas" are after Christmas; they are the twelve days from Christmas to Epiphany.
 * The Twelve Pains of Christmas.
 * Thrash band Whiplash has a song called I Hate Christmas, with arguably one of the greatest lines in all of music: "Jingle Bells, I'll see you in Hell!"
 * Rhan Wilson's Altared Christmas series. The gimmick? What if you played Christmas songs in a Darker and Edgier minor key? It's a lot better than it sounds, that's what.
 * You Ain't Getting S*** for Christmas. The song is hilarious when ma "Takes the two fruitcakes and the turkey and throws them out the front window."
 * Ray Stevens has several, including "Xerox Xmas Letter," (an over-the-top Christmas letter for "Nightmare Before Christmas" (where he dreams that a bunch of lawyers take Santa to court for wearing fur, smoking, working only one day a year, etc.).
 * The Jingle Bell Barking Dogs.
 * And their feline counterparts.
 * There is a disturbingly hilarious parody of "Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland" called "Walkin' Round In Women's Underwear", about crossdressing.
 * That's courtesy Bob Rivers, a parodist who basically makes a living off of songs like "Grabbe Yahbalz" ("Grab your balls like Michael Jackson! Fa-la-la-la-la...), "The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen", and, most brilliantly, "O Little Town of Bethlehem" set to the tune of "The House of the Rising Sun", with a pretty good Dylan impersonation.
 * And let's not forget "Monster Holiday", the Christmas-themed sequel to "The Monster Mash".
 * ACDC gives us "Mistress for Christmas", which (as one might have guessed from an AC/DC song) is less about the "Christmas" part and more about the "Mistress" part.
 * "Please Santa Claus" by Anna Russell.
 * The 12 Guido Days of Christmas.
 * "No More Christmas Singles", the Spitting Image... er... Christmas Single.

"Announcer: Yes, vocal tones so unique and distinctive, only your dog can truly appreciate them!"
 * The entire Oi to the World album by the Vandals, but especially "My First Christmas As a Woman".
 * "Elf's Lament" by Barenaked Ladies and featuring Michael Buble.
 * This commercial for (the fake) "The Sharks A Capella Holiday Album". It manages not only to make fun of and lampshade holiday songs and albums, but also the commercials that are used to peddle them as well.

"On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 GOLDEN TOQUES! ...and a beer. ...in a treeeeee..."
 * The Twelve Days of Christmas with Doug and Bob McKenzie, aka The Canadian Twelve Days of Christmas.


 * I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus, by Stand Still.
 * Make A Daft Noise For Christmas and Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me (about "a most immoral Santa") by The Goodies.
 * Hark, how the WAA all seem to WAA, joining in rhyme. WALUIGI TIME!
 * 1960s garage-rock band The Sonics did "Don't Believe in Christmas", airing typical holiday disappointments to the tune of Chuck Berry's "Too Much Monkey Business".
 * "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch"
 * Kip Addotta's I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus.

Glurge-laden
'''These are very much YMMV. One person's Glurge is another person's Crowning Moment of Heartwarming. Please don't natter about how you disagree with an entry.'''

"Little boy: Daddy says there's not much time / You see, she's been sick for quite a while And I know these shoes will make her smile / And I want her to look beautiful / If Mama meets Jesus tonight."
 * The "Coventry Carol" is probably the oldest of these songs. It was originally part of a stage play written in the 16th century; the song is essentially about the Massacre Of The Innocents that takes place after the birth of Jesus.
 * And that old classic, I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas. It sounds like a funny parody, except that hippos are one of the most aggressive and dangerous animals on the planet. Not so funny anymore, is it?
 * "Grandma, We Love You" by the St. Winnifreds Girls' School Choir went to No.1 in the UK.
 * It's not even the strangest thing to have got to No.1 in this country. Our charts are weird.
 * "Granddad" with Clive Dunn likewise.
 * "River" by Joni Mitchell.
 * Any song about New Year's Eve, although not directly related with Christmas, but in some countries begins to air about the same time. The glurgiest one is "Faltan Cinco Pa' Las Doce", Jose Luis Rodiguez's version, who in Venezuela is ritually broadcast into any radial New Year Countdown ever.
 * "Christmas Shoes", the only mainstream radio hit by Christian pop group Newsong, is a story told by a man who was griping about the shopping crunch, reminded of the True Meaning of Christmas by an extremely poor little boy trying to gather enough change pennies to buy shoes for his mother who might very well die on Christmas Eve. Not only glurgy, but also highly manipulative and depressing.


 * There is also a good chunk of possible Values Dissonance; in at the end of the song the narrator concludes that God arranged the whole thing, tragedy included, to teach him the true meaning of Christmas.
 * Also the assumption that Jacob Marley Apparel is in effect and that Jesus is shallow enough to care. Oh, and let's not forget that the poor kid is not only about to lose his mother, but blow the last of his cash just to make her smile one last time when he's going to sorely need it to help keep himself alive very soon.
 * "Grown-Up Christmas List", originally performed by Natalie Cole and David Foster but a favorite of cheesy, melisma-loving pop singers everywhere.
 * "Happy Birthday, Jesus" by The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. Starts out as a cheesy version of the standard Happy Birthday song, and by the time it gets to the lyric "I'm so glad it's Christmas / All the tinsel and lights / And the presents are nice / But the real gift is you" you will probably want to kill.
 * It's usually performed at Christmas concerts by the absolute youngest member of any given choir, too. So imagine those lyrics sung in a wavering, high-pitched falsetto to get the full effect.
 * Another "Happy Birthday, Jesus" was recorded in 1959 by an intolerably sweet moppet called Little Cindy. She was a child evangelist apparently, with a godawful (fake?) Southern accent: "She said you was so awful good/ And then she made me crah/ She said they nailed you to the cross/ They wanted you to dah." It was recently re-issued by John Waters in a compilation album of bad Xmas recordings.
 * And yet another version of "Happy Birthday, Jesus" features an insufferable little boy gaily singing about how he got only one gift that year, his mother's aforementioned song.
 * Another one for the pile: "Merry Christmas" by the Christian band Third Day.
 * "Christmas in the Northwest" by Brenda White. This troper's from Seattle, and cannot go the Christmas season without hearing this song. "Christmas in the northwest / is a gift God wrapped in green!" Gag.
 * "Christmastime in Arkansas Again". A syrupy-sweet reflection about Christmas and an unashamed tribute to the state of Arkansas, with a locally famous weatherman named Ned Perme on piano.
 * "The Cat Carol". Sweet Jesus, "The Cat Carol".

Other

 * "I Hate Christmas Parties" by Relient K. It's about as cheery as it sounds.
 * "Red Water (Christmas Mourning)" by Type O Negative is a dirge-like remembrance of people in the singer's family who've died in the last year. It may be the single most depressing Christmas song ever.
 * "Yule Shoot Your Eye Out" by Fall Out Boy. Contains lyrics such as 'Merry Christmas, I could care less' and 'all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me, before you bury yourself alive.'
 * "Santa Stole My Girlfriend" by The Maine. The title is pretty self-explanatory. Chorus calls Santa an obscene name.
 * O Holy Crap. Good lord, good lord.
 * Not to be confused with that one wrestleman's "O Holy Crap."
 * Speaking of Homestar Runner, Hooked on Decemberween features a collection of Decemberween songs form previous 'toons, along with some new ones.
 * Jackson Browne's "The Rebel Jesus", originally recorded with Irish folk group The Chieftains for their Christmas album The Bells of Dublin, and then again as a solo version. Listen to the original here and the remake here.
 * Speaking of that Chieftains album, it also includes a hilarious collaboration with Elvis Costello called "St. Stephan's Day Murders". Christmas is over, and a few members of the family have had it with holiday cheer.
 * The Nostalgia Chick did a countdown of the Top Ten Most Disturbing And Inescapable Christmas Songs. With all the Glurge and creepy messages the titular songs featured, it's probably no wonder that she filled it with Dead Baby Comedy and horrific imagery.
 * Pictured above: The Star Wars album Christmas in the Stars, which is not quite as infamous as the Star Wars Holiday Special but comparably misconceived (at least they don't sing about "Life Day" here). It featured the voices of Anthony Daniels and, on "R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas," an 18-year-old named John Bongiovi.
 * "White Wine in the Sun" by Tim Minchin is not exactly a parody, and not entirely straight, and not at all religious Christmas song. It's also an absolute tearjerker.
 * Dar Williams' "The Christians and the Pagans" depicts a pair of neo-pagan (and quite possibly lesbian) women spending Christmas Eve with one's devoutly Christian uncle and his family, and how they're able to overcome their respective cultural differences and enjoy the season together. It leavens its moral message with gentle humor, and is a genuinely great song.