Two and a Half Men/Funny

"Alan: Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.
 * One of Alan's finest would be him naming off movies in a movie trivia game but adding "Blow it out your ass!" during a meltdown of his in "That Special Tug".
 * Really, the entire episode qualifies as a CMOF. Did you forget "There's not enough bowel movements left!"?
 * The entire opening scene in "Don't Worry, Speed Racer," but especially:

Berta and Charlie: Yeah, look at your dad!"

"Charlie: Really, how much more damage could we have caused?"
 * Not to mention...

"Charlie: Five, six, seven, eight...
 * Alan at least tries to pretend to be happy for Judith when he learns that she is getting remarried. As soon as Judith leaves, though...

Alan: *Conga* No more a-li-mo-ny! No more a-li-mo-ny! No more a-li-mo-ny!"

"Judith: So how was your weekend?
 * That just shows that Ducky still has the moves.
 * SQUAB!
 * Made even better when the voices that usually chorus "mennnn" during the scene changes say "squab" instead.
 * At the very end of the ep with Megan Fox:

Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you."

"Charlie: Will you listen to yourself?!
 * In an episode when Alan and Charlie go out clubbing and Alan is whining about the noise:

Alan: I CAN'T listen to myself. All I hear is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! *walks to the piano* C-Sharp! C-Sharp is the sound of approaching deafness!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!"

"Charlie: Well maybe you should've thought of that before you started boinking a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo."
 * One word: Seagulls.
 * From "Big Girls Don't Throw Dog Food" Alan finds himself back in his old room after he asks Walden if he could stay, “just a couple of days until I can find my own place,” and finds himself in a battle with Berta as to whose room this now is. Walden explains, “Yes I told him he could stay for a couple of days,” to which Berta informs, “This guy is like genital herpes, once ya got ‘em, ya got ‘em for life!”
 * During "Crude and Uncalled For", Charlie, Alan, and Jake get invited to one of Brad's charity functions. They get lost on the way there, and then Charlie's car dies, and they have to walk through the countryside in the dark. Jake asks whether there are mountain lions around where they are, then mentions that This Is the Part Where it usually goes bad in slasher movies, and one guy falls behind a little, usually to smoke pot or have sex, and then he gets his head hacked off. Then he imitates a mountain lion's yowling, which makes Alan and Charlie run away screaming. Jake has a nice laugh about it, until he realizes he has fallen behind, and runs screaming after them.
 * Episode 908, where Alan slowly transforms into his brother. At the end, he gets checked into a mental hospital, calls hotel room service with an imaginary phone, asks for Asian hookers, and at the end, lays back, and says Winning.
 * Allen states that "I need to communicate after lovemaking. I need to share!" after a chat with his girlfriend Kandi proves to be rather...silly.

"Charlie: Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. (Jake's guinea pig) Why would I drive fifty miles to see their kingdom?"
 * The scene where Alan and Charlie are trading insults by going through the alphabet. Especially when Charlie says Alan is a vagina, but when Alan challenges it Charlie changes it to 'vagina adjacent.'
 * In one episode, Charlie takes pot and ends up hallucinating past one-night stands... and ZZ Top.
 * In a season one episode when Alan mentions visiting Disneyland:

"Jake: Oh yeah, and I saw Uncle Charlie trying to mail his pants.
 * When Alan is exasperated with Charlie: "...It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar!"
 * Charlie, after waking up on the stairs, pantsless, asks himself What Did I Do Last Night?? Roberta finds his pants in the mailbox, with many stamps stuck to the seat. Later, this conversation ensues:

Charlie: Wait, you saw me do that?

Jake: Yeah.

Charlie: And you didn't ask why?

Jake: Over the years, I've learned to just look the other way.

Charlie: Hey, there's a note in the pocket! (reading note) Dear Inspected by #94, it is with a heavy heart that I must write to you that the zipper you have signed off on is unsatisfactory. The reason is it has gotten caught on my ballsack, so I am sending them back. I hope you are able to remedy this situation. Sincerely, Charles Francis Harper. Huh, that explains the blood on my shorts... I hope."


 * Season 2 finale, after Judith's done her typical threat of legal consequences because Jake gave her a $25 chip from Caesar's Palace that he won from Charlie, Charlie and Alan mock Judith in high pitched tones that just sells the scene.
 * In S03E05, Alan calls Charlie a misogynist, you think he'd respond with some witty response, instead he grabs a dictionary.
 * In S03E02, Alan needs Charlie to be his receptionist for the day so he can stop Jake getting expelled from school. Charlie with a lot of caffeine in his system when they're in the car tapping a song and making suggestions for how to make money in traffic jams is hilarious.
 * Berta: (Charlie is passed out on the kitchen table) You really shouldn't see him like this, Jake. *whips out a towel and places it over Charlie's face* There! Now you can enjoy your breakfast!