Groin Attack/Real Life

Played for Comedy
"Guy: What is the capital of Thailand? BANGKOK! (cue owies) You know what my favorite play is? The Nutcracker! (GAH!) Did you know I got a job at the airport? Oh yeah, what do you do? Check Baggage! (OUCH!)"
 * One of Darwin Awards involved a handicapped man attacking a burglar with his crutch. The burglar lost his nuts. He didn't get better
 * Man tries to wash his own balls in a golf ball washer. Not a pretty sight.
 * Another guy blew off his nuts with a BB gun.
 * A drunken man once tried to have sex with a raccoon. Let's just say teeth were involved.
 * a guy pleasured himself on a piece of running heavy machinery.
 * A couple guys used a shotgun shell to keep their car running when one of their spark plugs failed. Naturally, it went off, hit the driver in one of his testicles, caused him to lose control of the vehicle and resulted in a fatal crash.
 * Liverpool defender Phil Babb taking a goalpost to the nads is one of the most recycled clips on football blooper shows.
 * As bad as that looks the impact is actually spread out over a larger area. Try having a single testicle crushed between the toe of a soccer cleat and one's pelvic bone. Crying is recommended but not easy...
 * Monkey Steals the Peach.
 * "The impact will lift the enemy off the ground."
 * A popular prank in real life:


 * Doritos.* "Posting" was an old method of English playground bullying. Step 1: find your victim, preferably smaller and weedier. Step 2: hold his arms and get two others to hold each leg. Step 3: separate legs and run him full-tilt into a nearby post.
 * In foil fencing the groin shot is a legitimate move, the target area being the torso and crotch. It's also legal in Epee, but in that everywhere is a legal target. The only time it isn't legal is with with slashing weapon, saber. Getting stabbed in the nuts isn't a pleasant experience.
 * In fencing most gents opt from day one or soon after to wear a cup to defend against this. Target area being what it is and less-experienced fencers propensity to have less control of the blade, a nutshot in fencing is a When, not an If, proposition. Those that consciously choose not to defend themselves are rarely afforded sympathy when the inevitable happens.
 * ...and here is the same in samurai style
 * This match suggests that sometimes old-school is the only way to go. Killer finishing move...
 * This Finnish battlecry during WWII: "Fire at their balls!"
 * Cardinals outfielder Matt Holliday took a line-drive to the pills in a game versus the Dodgers. The fact that this was A) The third out of the ninth inning with a Cardinals' lead and B) A playoff game in C) a series the Cardinals would go on to lose means that we'll be seeing that replay for a long time to come. Cardinals fans will react predictably.
 * Then-Seattle Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre, who doesn't wear a cup, took one to the happy place and was put on the DL for a severely bruised testicle. What makes it funny is that Ken Griffey Jr had the Mariners PA play The Nutcracker Suite during Beltre's first at-bat back
 * Also back in 1997 on the Mariners, reliever Josias Manzanillo took a Manny Ramirez comebacker right to the groin and actually had to get a testicle removed!
 * Such incidents seem to be commonplace in Seattle Mariners history. In 1980, pitcher Mike Parrott took a liner to the man area early in the season. Parrott went from 14-12 in 1979 (the team went 67-95) to 1-16 in 1980.
 * This seemed to be missed by most people, but in 2006 when the Dallas Mavericks were playing the San Antonio Spurs for the NBA Western Conference championship, coach Avery Johnson made a last second player change, and Josh Howard received some collateral damage.
 * After a bungled plot to blow up Glasgow International Airport: I Kicked Burning Terrorist So Hard in Balls That I Tore a Tendon in My Foot: Best. Headline. Ever. Because as Cracked.com points out, they still make MEN up in Scotland.
 * Indeed, he did deal a kick to a burning man whose cohort was fighting with police, as the two men had just attempted to attack a civilian transportation center with a vehicle bomb and failed, putting the recipient of said kick somewhere in the middle of a Venn diagram of Asshole Victim, Acceptable Target, and Kick the Son of a Bitch categories for most Western audiences.
 * This slalom skiier had an unfortunate encounter with a flag.
 * Groin attacks are the bread and butter of the TV show America's Funniest Home Videos.
 * According to an Urban Legend, an old martial artist challenged a roomful of martial arts masters to knock him down. One by one they tried and were countered. Then Bruce Lee stepped forward and kicked him in the balls.
 * Juggling with poi involves spinning two weights on the end of a rope, elastic or -- oh horror -- chain. Beginners spend much of their time hitting themselves in the face; male beginners, on the other hand...
 * This guy took a tennis ball to the nads For Science!. Said tennis ball was travelling at 50 mph. You can cry now.
 * Nasty The Horse, who posts various videos online of him finding new and wince-inducing ways of destroying his testicles.
 * A guy takes a bite to the scrotum from a bluefish.
 * This prank in a segment called "With Friends Like These" featured on the April 28, 2010 episode of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
 * Visitors and potential visitors to Six Flags Magic Mountain should be aware that the spinning rollercoaster "Green Lantern: First Flight" has a problem with the spinning mechanism, the safety harness design or both so that at least some of the riders end up taking a substantial amount of the force applied on them by the coaster right in the crotch. In a lesser example at the same park, the adjustable seats on the standing rollercoaster "The Riddler's Revenge" have an unfortunate tendency to abruptly rise when the ride operator releases the safety restraints.

Played for Drama

 * Policeman Frank Serpico fired upon an unknown assailant who refused to stop when challenged. Assailant was hit, staggered, but got away. Assailant presents to precinct house claiming scrotal mutilation by persons unknown. Serpico says "No, that's the guy I fired on." When pressure is applied, the truth is revealed. Assailant, now devoid of testicles thanks to Serpico's bullet, is wanted for rape.
 * An extreme (and non-comedic) real life example is the case of John and Lorena Bobbit, the latter of whom chopped off the former's penis after he allegedly raped her.
 * The version of her story I read said that he'd raped and beaten her regularly throughout their marriage -- it was his raping her anally that precipitated the attack.
 * Slightly related, there are horrifying coral-eating things called Bobbit worms. If they eat coral, imagine what those jaws can do to your flesh...
 * Word of wisdom: Guys, if you have a girlfriend, do not, repeat, DO NOT be abusive to her, because one hapless bastard was abusive to his own girlfriend, and her father shot the punk in the testicles. With a 410 shotgun.
 * A type of tiny Amazon River catfish (parasitic, feeds on blood -- fish, animal, human, it doesn't matter) called the candiru does a groin attack to males and females alike, mainly because that's the only part of a human or animal body (they swim into the gills of fish) likely to be in the water for an extended period of time -- it finds prey by homing in on urine in the water, swims up the closest available orifice, whether that's the anus, vagina, or even the urethra, and extends spines to keep itself in place. Isn't nature wonderful?
 * The fish is real, and is attracted to urea because freshwater fish excrete small amounts of this substance via their gills, where the candiru wants to go. The part about them defying gravity to swim up a stream of urine and attack a guy who's only whizzing in the river is what's an urban legend - if a person's groin is below water-level at the time they urinate, it's fair-game.
 * During WWII, Major William Fairbairn, who trained many special forces operatives for the Allies, was widely reputed to have a strong distaste for "fighting fair". Supposedly, when explaining the best way to take a man out in a given circumstance, the last step was always "And then kick him in the testicles".
 * As in warfare it's very often "kill or be killed", military hand to hand combat training usually has not much room for fair fighting, so groin attacks are rather common.
 * Woe unto any predatory animal, male or female, that dares attack the ratel, aka the honey badger (not the tank named after it, though, but it is STILL quite a threat, too!)... If they can fight puff adders (extremely poisonous snakes in Africa, where both it and the ratel are from) and eat them, too, they won't hesitate to inspire fear to anybody that dares to go within spitting distance of one! The ratel viciously attacks anyone or any animal that threatens it. What's worse, the ratel will (at the right moment) lunge at the crotch of either gender of attacker, and tear their groin out with their teeth, leaving the unfortunate attackee to bleed to death in the most excruciating pain unimaginable. Wildebeest and LIONS have died from bleeding to death by having their scrotums torn off by this 3-foot animal, and HUMAN MALES weren't above being ruinously castrated by ratels, too, when they approached one! If you go to Africa, and see a ratel... be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
 * In Game 1 of the 2008 Stanley Cup Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, Philadelphia LW Patrick Thoresen took a shot in the groin. He was hospitalized and told he might have to have one of his testicles removed. He was back on the ice for Game 3.
 * Same thing happened to Sami Salo in 2010. He ruptured a testicle as a result.
 * During the Battle of Stamford Bridge (1066), a lone Viking berserker stood on said bridge and held off the entire Saxon army for an hour. The beserker was finally killed when a quick thinking Saxon soldier floated under the bridge in a barrel and shoved a spear through his groin from below.
 * In the band's "Behind the Music" episode, Metallica lead singer James Hetfield recalled in incident following the infamous pyrotechnic accident during one of their tours where James took the worst of hit, and had to have his arm in a cast during which time he couldn't play guitar. One of the tour's technical crew accidentally hit James' arm, and James got so angry that he "punched him right in the nuts."
 * Tom Green essentially sees the time he had cancer as this (since it was in cancer in that particular area).
 * Sam Houston took an arrow in the groin at the Battle of Horseshoe Bend, the injury keeping him out of the rest of the The War of 1812.
 * The Eric Flint Alternate History novel The Rivers of War changed this as the point of departure from our universe, the arrow only nicking his outer thigh, after slipping on a dirt mound, leaving Ensign Houston available during the War of 1812 to rally the defenders of Washington, DC (much to the despair of Francis Scott Key).
 * Territorial male seals attempt to bite each other in the groin when they fight, rendering their rivals incapable of competing for females.
 * Snails and slugs are hermaphrodites, but prefer to breed as males, so attempt to neuter each other with Groin Attacks before mating: whichever snail loses its testes is the one that gets pregnant.
 * Rabbits also target their rivals tender portions when they fight. Territorial does do this when they don't want to make more little rabbits. To make matters worse, these fights usually end with said unfortunate bunny issuing the dreaded "rabbit scream."
 * Some guy in San Francisco removed his penis with an exacto knife because...actually, it doesn't say why. He wasn't even drunk or high. We'll just leave it as Too Dumb to Live.
 * Removal of the male reproductive organs (and possibly including the penis itself) was one of the many, many ways you could lose a part of yourself in ancient Chinese penal codes. It most famously happened to the historian Sima Qian, who tried to speak up for a general who didn't do the honorable thing and commit suicide after he was captured by barbarians.
 * The Israeli martial art style of krav maga has a thing for groin shots. It's not like learners are intentionally told to attack the groin. The whole idea of krav maga is 'Screw the rules, use any and all weak points to defeat your opponent.' It just so happens that the groin happens to be a particularly weak point.
 * Former Seattle Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre took a line drive to the groin in August of 2009. He stayed in the game until it finished in the 14th inning, despite a torn testicle that eventually swelled to the size of a grapefruit. What song played when he first stepped up to the plate upon his return? "The Nutcracker Suite."
 * Elephantiasis, resulting from an infestation of parasitic worms in the lymph nodes, can cause an internal Groin Attack, swelling the scrotum to basketball-size or larger.
 * Illustrated sword-fighting manuals from Renaissance times include this trope in their arsenal of combat moves, both as a target for sword-blows and kicks. Definitely not Hollywood fencing.
 * The Groin Attack was the favorite duelling tactics of count Fyodor "The American" Tolstoy, famous Russian adventurer and duelist of the XIX century. In his numerous duels Tolstoy, a crack shot, usually aimed for the opponent's groin, reasoning that "There won't be a sin of murder on my soul, and he won't be breeding any more fools". At least one his opponent - Naryshkin - died from the groin shot anyway.
 * The "Scrotal Self Repair" Darwin Award / urban legend. Guy was using the belt of a machine to jerk off and got his nuts caught in it.
 * Another Darwin Award winner injected cocaine into his urinary tract, resulting in severe priapism that led to gangrene that cost him his penis, his legs, and nine of his fingers.
 * At least one (female) psychologist finds the idea of attacking the testes to be absolutely disgusting, and, among other things, suggests calling Groin Attacks "non-sexual genital assaults" to make them seem less funny.
 * Hmm... It's not doing the trick. In fact, the lack of any sexual element is what normally makes them so funny.
 * Adam Lambert took one of these at the Manila performance of his GlamNation tour. During the dancers' intros he dirty-dances with his choreographer, who at this particular show tried to counter a hip-thrust with a butt-bump at exactly the wrong time and got The Glam One right where it hurts. Check it out at 8:23 and onward. (This Glambert can't help laughing at his reaction every single time . . . even though it really shouldn't be funny.)
 * Many self-defense classes suggest kicking an attacker in the balls then running while he's still in shock.
 * Subverted by other classes that recommend aiming for the shins. (The damage may interfere with the attacker's ability to run.)
 * Some cultures (predominantly in Northeast Africa) practice female genital cutting (or mutilation), which involves taking a pubescent girl and cutting away some of the tissue around her vagina. Mild cases involve trimming away the exterior labia or clitoris, while more extreme cases cut away everything and sew up the site, leaving only a hole for urine and menses to pass through. Some practitioners compare it to male circumcision, while others believe it is a necessary part of raising a girl properly, on the theory that it reduces a girl's libido and helps her resist illicit sexual behavior.
 * Almost the entire world thinks it's a gruesome, barbaric, and misogynistic practice that should be ended. The act is designed to deny the woman any sexual pleasure, and it is often performed in a less-than-medical environment (e.g. a dirty hut with a large knife). To their credit, both the civil and religious authorities in the countries where it exists have condemned the practice in no uncertain terms.
 * Worryingly enough, a Groin Attack can occur more or less spontaneously and without warning. It's called a testicular torsion and is what happens when a testicle twists around a bit too far and cuts off its own blood supply. Not only is it very painful, but the testicle must be untwisted within a few hours or it will die - which, if it wasn't enough for ya, will promptly result in gangrene if it's not promptly removed.
 * The sadomasochistic practice of cock and ball torture. Exactly What It Says on the Tin.
 * For some reason, it's common for people to think that kicking a woman in the groin is ineffective. Being kicked ANYWHERE is painful. The lack of testes means that a kick to the groin won't be quite as severe, but the female genital region still has nerve endings. A groin attack can still hurt a member of either sex.
 * Females are also more likely to suffer permanent damage from a groin attack, for a number of reasons.
 * Some of this damage involves (besides nerve damage) breaking the pubic bones. In the female, these bones are set at an obtuse angle (to facilitate childbirth), and they are more easily accessed. CRACK!!!
 * And actually, the lack of testicles can actually make it more severe, as there is no additional flesh to cushion the blow.
 * Any girl or woman who has sat down too quickly on a bicycle, or tried to hop a fence and slipped, knows just how painful getting hit in the groin is.
 * I've witnessed enough playground girl fights to have seen how common it is for a Groin Attack to floor a girl with the agony. This trope description implies it requires trained fighters or specialists to be able to damage a girl with a Groin Attack. Most of these examples show how wrong that is.
 * Don't whiz on the electric fence, or a fence in a lightning storm. Loss of manhood may result.
 * Busted by Myth Busters.
 * Also, look up Wikipedia user Tim Nu, who claims to have undergone penectomy at the age of 12 due to a serious infection and now wants to shed light on the subject. The picture he uploaded to Wikicommons is pretty Squick-enducing.
 * Rats. That's all I'm gonna say...
 * Bonus points: there were no medical personnel around as he lay dying in his pool of blood. Worst Aid at its finest.
 * A news story on AOL about a woman cutting off her husband's dick and putting it down the garbage disposal...
 * He got is penis mutilated because he wanted a divorce. According to one source, she drugged him, tied him up, and then proceeded to chop off and dispose of his genitals in said fashion.
 * This woman set her boyfriend's crotch on fire.
 * Leave it to The Other Wiki to maintain an exhaustive list of recorded penis-severing victims.
 * This recent article. The man in the article pulled a Plaxico Burress. Except the bullet went through his penis AND his leg. You can all wince now.
 * Just type the words 'skater' and 'nuts' into YouTube's search engine if you get an enjoyment out of wincing.
 * Marcus Junius Brutus, during the assassination of Caesar, elected to stab him in the nuts. Some say that this was an indication that Brutus thought he was actually Caesar's illegitimate son, but how much credence can be given to the theory is debated.
 * During a post-fumble pileup in a 2010 game, one Texas A&M player executed this trope against Nebraska's Ben Cotton, presumably to draw a personal-foul penalty for retaliation. Sadly enough, it worked -- as is often the case in American football, the referees only saw the retaliation, and saw fit to penalize Nebraska a whopping 30 yards on the play.