Hogan's Heroes/Funny

There are SO many in this show, it's hard to catalogue them. But we have to start somewhere...

"'Hogan: Ol' Bubblehead's coming here? Klink: I do not appreciate you calling our Fuhrer 'Old Bubblehead!' Hogan: How about fruitcake?"
 * In a show that I have yet to find an episode I haven't enjoyed, "The Top Secret Top Coat" stands out as superlative! Especially for Klink.
 * Klink tells Hogan that a very important visitor is coming to Stalag 13.

"Hogan: *talking to Klink and two other officers whilst out of camp in a German officer's uniform* Some of us can sit around drinking beer, I have a prisoner of war camp to run."
 * A small but hilarious one: Schultz follows Hogan as he sneaks out of camp and yells at him: "Even you are not supposed to leave the camp!"
 * The entire gonculator episode, particularly the looks on everyone's faces when Carter demonstrates how his rabbit trap works.
 * In 'Hogan's Hofbrau' the look on Schultz's face when he comes into the Hofbrau and Carter, Newkirk and LeBeau all wave at him and Hogan (wearing a German officer's uniform) greets him with a casual, cheery. "Hi Schultz!"
 * "I'll eat outide." "Why outside?" "Outside is easier to see NUSSINK!"

"Hogan: Think that the train will blow up. Klink: The train will blow up? Hogan: Only if you believe. Klink: I believe. I believe! *beat* Oh Hogan this is ridiculous! Klink: What was that?! Hogan: *smiles* Sounded like a train blowing up."
 * Hogan tries to convince Klink that if he lets Burkhalter/Hochstetter use Stalag 13 as a storage facility he may as well rename it 'Klink's Gas Station.' Klink scoffs at this but as soon as Hogan leaves the room he accidentally answers the phone with "Klink's Gas Station! *beat* I mean Stalag 13!"
 * Hogan has gotten Klink into a situation where he is completely screwed unless a train carrying the person who's going to get him court-martialed or sent to the Russian front blows up.
 * sound of an explosion*

"Klink: Is there any damage to the motor? Schultz: What motor?"
 * "I'll have you shot, court-martialed and sent to the Russian Front!"
 * Klink is calling Burkhalter a nasty old tub of lard and then turns around to find Burkhalter behind him. Burkhalter then cancels his leave and says "I really am a nasty old tub of lard."
 * After Hogan fakes an explosion using a smoke bomb:

"Schultz: Colonel, it is against the military code for an officer to strike an enlisted man! Klink: Strike you? No. Shoot you, yes!"
 * After Schultz has just gotten Klink into a lot of trouble:

"Klink: Oh shut up! Speak only when you are spoken to! Schultz: But you spoke to me Herr Kommandant!"
 * An escape artist tells Carter that he can escape from any locked trunk. Later after he escapes from camp against orders, the men think he has taken Carter with him and start talking about how they're going to find Carter. Then Hogan says "I know where Carter is. He's in my footlocker. You're in my footlocker, aren't you Carter?" "Yes sir."
 * Hogan, in a seemingly impossible situation: "I'm up the creek. I don't have a paddle. I don't have a boat. I don't even have a creek!"
 * Schultz says something Klink doesn't like:

"Hogan: Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number. Carter: I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. *beat* So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!"
 * While trying to break into Klink's safe the phone rings:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner."
 * Hogan hangs up the phone. It rings and Carter answers it again.

"Colonel Klink: No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe. Schultz: Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid! Colonel Klink: That raid was a complete failure! Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe! Hogan: Illustrious Luftwaffe. Schultz: Illustrious Luft... Colonel Klink: Schultz!"
 * Hogan makes him hang up again. As they leave it rings again and they have to drag Carter out to keep him from answering again.
 * Klink is trying to downplay the severity of an Allied bombing:

"German Officer: You are here on orders from General Burkhalter? Hogan: About this high, this wide, walks like a duck... Officer: I know what he looks like!" "Hogan: He's the discoverer of hemilac! Klink: Hemi— What is hemilac? Hogan: Well, that's a question for after the war. What is hemilac?"
 * Another German officer objects to the Heroes being used as a labor crew around the secret project he's overseeing. Hogan hints that General Burkhalter ordered that they work there.
 * Hogan convinces Klink that LeBeau is a brilliant chemist.