Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking/Quotes

"I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna rape him, I'm gonna eat his fucking costume!"

- The Juggernaut (bitch!), My Way Entertainment's Gag Dub of X-Men

"Here are the rules of Judaism as I understand them. One, thou shalt not kill. Two, thou shalt not commit adultery. Three, don't eat pork."

- Jon Stewart

"His destructive programming is taking effect. He will be irresistibly drawn to large cities, where he will back up sewers, reverse street signs, and steal everyone's left shoe."

- Jumba, Lilo and Stitch

"Hacking through Horne's computer would have unearthed criminal plans, strategies for world domination, spy helicopter reports, illegal wire tap recordings, internet porno, all of the above. Take your pick."

- Max Payne

"We've fought evil ninjas, evil robots, evil monsters... but cancelling my Saturday Morning Cartoons?! That's the evillest evil ever!"

- Michaelangelo, The Fight for the Fox Box

"My theories appall you, my heresies outrage you, I never answer letters, and you don't like my tie."

- The Doctor, Doctor Who, "Ghost Light"

"Rory: Can that work? The Doctor: Perhaps. Maybe, if I shunted the reality compensators on the TARDIS, recalibrated the doomsday bumpers, and jettisoned the karaoke bar, yes, maybe, yes."

- Rory Williams and the Doctor on, Doctor Who, "The Girl Who Waited"

"Demarco Harris was found guilty of felony murder, armed robbery, and felony firearm and curfew violation."

- Gabriel Falcon, "Fate of 12-year-old killer?" from AC360° on CNN.com

"I couldn't see how anyone could claim to love children in the generic any more than anyone could credibly claim to love people in a sufficiently sweeping sense as to embrace Pol Pot, Don Rickles, and an upstairs neighbor who does 2,000 jumping jacks at three in the morning."

- We Need to Talk About Kevin

"Separate yourself from vain and foolish friends who turn you to atheism, worldliness, competitive sports, and false religions."

- Daily Morality

"Vickie Guerrero: Well, who's on your list? Christian: Well, for starters, Bret "The Hitman" Hart... The Mountie, he's huge in these parts... The Brooklyn Brawler... Jared, the Subway guy... Vickie: Oh, please... Christian: And Lester, the guy who loves chicken! Vickie: ... Who's Lester? Christian: Actually, I don't even know who Lester is, but he loves chicken!"

- WWE Smackdown

"Impossible! You cannot defeat me! You are not worthy! You are inferior! And your joke stinks!"

- Thundercracker, Transformers Animated

"Holy water, a couple cloves of garlic, vials of salt, and iron filings filled the basket, intended to be door prizes for anything that showed up in an attempt to suck my blood, carry me off to faerieland, or sell me stale cookies."

- Harry Dresden, inner monologuing in Death Masks

"I'm all alone! Adrift at sea! ...Without breakfast."

- Owen, Total Drama Island, "Camp Castaways"

"...on Telephone Scatologia, Necrophilia, Zoophilia, Urophilia, Coprophilia, and Partialism... Partialism... characterized as sexually arousing fantasies, urges and sexual behaviors with an exclusive focus on part of the (human) body..."

- The DSM Diagnostic Criteria for Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified, MP Kafka

"[...] I hate your kind of slave! A little stupid college girl who's trying to find her sexuality... An asshole cunt that thinks being a slave is just a little role-playing!!! The kind of bitch that thinks she can manipulate a man by giving him the kind of sex he likes. But above all, ... I HATE BLONDES!!!"

- Miss Orchid to Vanessa the blonde Sexy Secretary, Orchid Garden part II

"In my younger days I was a cursing, drinking, smoking, gambling, child-molesting, thieving, murdering, bed-wetting bastard."

- Hundreds of proofs of God's existence, #10

"El Salvador at the time Doakes was there had been a true three-ring circus of torture, rape, murder, and name-calling. And no one had thought to invite me."

- Dexter, Dearly Devoted Dexter

"''Grand Larceny: 4 points. We use this as a catchall for players being involved in crime so outrageous and well-planned it can only be described as 'nefarious', 'professional' or 'legislation'."

- The scoring rules for the Fulmer Cup

"Barney: Those creatures out there, and not a living human to be seen. This whole town is gonna be like that. You want my opinion, sir? This mission is fubar. We are up shitcreek without a paddle. I miss my mommy."

- Heart of Evil

"Killer Moth: If you don't want your city destroyed, you'll give in to my demands. The city will declare me ruler, the Titans will surrender, and Robin...will take this lovely young lady to her junior prom."

- Teen Titans (The Animated Series)

"Tracey Jordan: If Wall St. crashes, it'll be the 1970s all over again. People will get mean, the streets won't be safe, it'll be graffiti everywhere, and the movies will only cost three dollars! Larry King: Tracey Jordan - saying three serious things, and then a joke."

- Thirty Rock

"Southern Nigeria isn't my favorite place in the world. It's unstable, it's corrupt, and the people there eat a lot of terrible-smelling preserved fish."

- Michael Westen, Burn Notice

"You did save my life once or twice. Even if you did sacrifice Elena in a ritual of fire and then kidnapped me, make me drink blood, torture people and take really long boring road trips to the middle of nowhere."

- Stefan to Klaus, Ship of Fools

"You're under arrest for murder, attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I dunno, possibly littering."

- Skulduggery Pleasant

"If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater."

- Book, Firefly

"Look at that thing. It probably ate a puppy for breakfast right before it burned down an orphanage and talked loudly on a cell phone at a restaurant."

- Dan Shive, El Goonish Shive, the rant on this page.

"You have chosen to report a crime in progress. For theft, burglary, vandalism, or loitering press 'one.' For assault, reckless endangerment, rioting, or telemarketing press 'two.' For attempted murder, murder, attempted suicide, suicide, attempted spam, or actual spam, press three."

- Schlock Mercenary, April 6, 2003

"Not bad for the first day, everybody. We got shot at, aimed at, lied to, sabotaged, mobbed, and interviewed, but nobody got killed."

- Schlock Mercenary, August 3, 2008

"I bet they grow their hair into little horns, and they offer live sacrifices to appease their Naked Master. And they don't let you have a television in your room."

- Robin, theorizing on the exact nature of Mike's parents in Shortpacked

"I'm Dr. Robotnik, I say what I want! I say pingas! I say pussy! I say butt! I say crud and sludge!"

- Robotnik Says the N-word

"Whoa! Holy shit! We love the way the writer crammed in every scary word they could think of: rape, war, cancer, emphysema, respiratory distress, anemia, constipation, irritability, blindness, Canada."

- From the Cracked article 7 Retarded Food Myths the Internet Thinks Are True

"Film Brain: So, in just under five minutes, this show has Wonder Woman violate the law, ignore basic rights, and the media aggrandizes her with references to the worst torture scandal in US history. Nash: And all without the slightest hint of irony or self-awareness. Linkara: And they completely rip off Grant Morrisons Batman Incorporated!"

- From a group review of the pilot for a rejected Live Action TV series.

"207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget."

- Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG