Deadpan Snarker/Literature

"Dany: "Viserys says he could sweep the Seven Kingdoms with ten thousand Dothraki screamers."

Jorah: "Viserys couldn't sweep a stable with ten thousand brooms.""

- Danaerys Targaryen and Ser Jorah Mormont, from A Song of Ice and Fire

Deadpan Snarkers in Literature.


 * Harry Potter

"Quayle(upon ejection from Wolfe's office by Archie): You goddamn goon. Archie: That's Goodwin. You left out the D,W,I, but I'll overlook it."
 * Rex Stout's Nero Wolfe series has plenty, but Archie Goodwin, Nero Wolfe's legman, is a champion.

"Ethan: My mother promised me glory. An eye was a small price to pay. Percy: Great mom."
 * Keith Laumer's Retief often displays a casual snarkiness regarding the rest of the CDT and how the organization is run. He often exploits his superiors' disdain for this in order to get sent into the thick of things as a punishment. Many of the aliens or human natives encountered also get in on the act.
 * Everyone in Percy Jackson and The Olympians. (Even the chapter titles are snarked.)

""An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do.""
 * Most of Jane Austen's heroines have a streak of this. See Emma Woodhouse, Marianne and Elinor Dashwood, etc. They get it from their author, as we see from Miss Austen's private letters.
 * Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice
 * Elizabeth Bennet: "I give you leave to like him. You have liked many a stupider person." She gets it from her father:

""I'll tear off your ass. Literally, your actual ass.""
 * Mr. Darcy is quite the snarker himself. Their mutually snarky banter is the earliest indication that the two of them are better for each other than they realize.
 * When not being kind of a jerk, Sydney Carton from A Tale of Two Cities is like this.
 * Vlad, Kragar, and Loiosh from Steven Brust's Taltos series all fit this one. Pel in the Khaavren Romances, too.
 * Mephistopheles in Steven Brust's To Reign in Hell.
 * Most characters in Jim Butcher'sThe Dresden Files do this at least occasionally. Michael and Mab are probably the only two recurring characters who do not regularly do it (even Nicodemus has his moments). Actually, Harry has at least ten snarks every chapter.
 * Harry, when asked who the hell he is, answering with "I the hell am Harry." The other person asks, "Are you always a wise-ass?" Harry replies, "No. Sometimes I'm asleep."
 * Bob and Thomas both seem to rather enjoy the snark.
 * The first time we hear talk, it turns out he sounds exactly like Harry.

"Caspian: There are some things no man can face. Reepicheep: It is then my good fortune not to be a man."
 * Butcher seems to love snark in general; though there's much less of it than in Dresden, there's still quite a bit of it flying around in the Codex Alera series. Most characters get their moment to shine, but the most persistent example is Doroga.
 * In David Eddings' Belgariad and Malloreon, it'd almost be easier to list every major character who isn't either a Card-Carrying Villain or a Deadpan Snarker. Even the Voice of the Prophecy (the speaking aspect of the cosmic force attempting to restore the universe to its original destiny) snarks it up almost every time it communicates with one of the characters.
 * Eustace from The Chronicles of Narnia, with his "habit of being dreadfully matter-of-fact." Edmund too, who after the first book switches from caustic Jerkass to lovable Deadpan Snarker. Reepicheep fits both in the books:


 * In the films (played by Eddie Izzard):

"Caspian: Y-you are a mouse. Reepicheep: I was hoping for something a little more original."

""But what are ''you?" said the Queen again. "Are you a great overgrown dwarf who has cut off its beard?" "No, your Majesty," said Edmund, "I never had a beard, I'm a boy." "A boy!" said she. "Do you mean you are a Son of Adam?" Edmund stood still, saying nothing. He was too confused by by this time to understand what the question meant. "I see you are an idiot, whatever else you may be," said the Queen."
 * Queen Jadis a.k.a. the White Witch, practically lives for this role (and to turn people to stone).

""Oh, Eeyore, you are wet!" said Piglet, feeling him. Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time."
 * The title character of George R. R. Martin's Tuf Voyaging really has no emotions except for sarcasm, but he disguises it with enough Spock Speak that many of his interlocutors never realize that they've been insulted.
 * Also from George R. R. Martin, Tyrion and Jaime Lannister from A Song of Ice and Fire fit the trope, but both are dwarfed (no pun intended) by Dolorous Edd. Still, practically all characters get a snappy line. Oberyn Martell counts as a Deadpan Snarker as well.
 * Despite having a different trope named for him, Eeyore in AA Milne's original Winnie the Pooh books is very much a Deadpan Snarker; only his Disney-fied film version is the sort of lovable depressive that can grace so many pastel-colored sweatshirts.

""Well, their feet wouldn't be on the ground for so long, would they?" said Salzella, in the tones of one who knows for a fact that he's much more intelligent than anyone else in the room."
 * In Terry Pratchett's Discworld:
 * Samuel Vimes and Esmerelda Weatherwax, both of which are particularly Genre Savvy (and hate having to be). They are both aware of the Theory of Narrative Causality, though with Vimes it's more of an instinctive understanding.
 * Lord Vetinari's snark is rumored to be so caustic that Sgt. Colon lives in fear of the patrician getting sardonic on him. (Although when it did happen, he never even noticed. Subtle and clever verbal abuse is wasted on some people.)
 * The Lemony Narrator Terry Pratchett himself.
 * Rincewind also has his moments; having long given up trying to use his Genre Savviness to stay out of dangerous situations, he occasionally uses it to be sarcastic about them.
 * Every line uttered by Salzalla in Maskerade drips with sarcasm, at least before . For instance, suggesting to Mr. Bucket that if the ballerinas did more leaps, it might save on wear and tear on ballet shoes:

""I, of course, used a time machine to 'get the idea' of Unseen University from Hogwarts; I don't know what Paul [Kidby, the illustrator] used in this case. Obviously he must have used something.""
 * Pratchett himself can be quite the snarker, such as his response to someone claiming that he had ripped off Harry Potter (which came out after the novel in question):

"Lewis: ‘Would it help if I wrote you a list?’ I asked sarcastically. ‘The “Ten Commandments of Venturing”, perhaps. Marsh (on being told Wilson could stop him getting a job in London): ‘There are many other cities in the Empire,’ Marsh replied. ‘And I have never much cared for English weather.’ Spangler: ‘Well, well, old boy, you’re alive after all,’ he said, by way of a greeting. Lewis: ‘I know, it’s a terrible disappointment for all concerned.’ Wilson: ‘Teaching this lad here?’ Wilson said, turning a critical eye on Marsh, who was as extravagantly attired as ever. His gaze lingered on Marsh’s bandaged right hand. ‘I can see that has been going very well.’"
 * Moist von Lipwig, Angua...actually, most of the characters on the Disc are Deadpan Snarkers.
 * Darkness Visible takes place in a Victorian World of Snark, so it's hardly surprising that many characters qualify. Lewis probably snarks the most, being the narrator, but Marsh, Spangler, George and Wilson get in on the fun:

"Random Mook: "Andalite!" Ax: < Surprise. >"
 * Marco from Animorphs.
 * Tobias, too. Occasionally even Ax, although it's not always clear whether it's intentional at first, examples in later books have to be intentional.
 * Second to last book, after the Yeerks have realized that they're mostly fighting human kids, and not alien warriors.

"(when trying to convince his employer, Bertie, not to wear a specific dinner jacket) Bertie: But all the lads have asked for the name of my tailor. Jeeves: Doubtless with the aim of avoiding him, sir. Bertie: He's considered one of the best men in England! Jeeves: I do not make any judgments regarding his moral character, sir."
 * In The Malazan Book of the Fallen Udinaas, Samar Dev, Bugg and Fiddler are all deadpan snarkers to some degree.
 * The Russian diplomat Bilibin in War and Peace, known later in Petersburg society for what he calls his mots (French for "sayings").
 * Levi, AKA Biff, from Lamb the Gospel According To Biff is snarky enough to have invented the word Sarcasm.
 * Q, in the non-canon Star Trek book I, Q. "Yeah, and if that doesn't work, maybe the Easter Bunny will save us."
 * Jeeves, the valet from PG Wodehouse's novels, was famous for his incredibly diplomatic portrayals of this trope:

" 'Of course,' I said, 'that's enough excitement for anyone, and undoubtedly a corking reward for tramping three miles out of one's way over ploughed fields with tight boots, but don't we do anything else? ...' "
 * The PG Wodehouse 'verse is such a World of Snark in general that even Bertie gets his fair share of snarky comments. Most of them are in the narrative, but when Bingo Little leads him on an overly-long shortcut through the countryside to meet his latest love interest:

"Wedge: Phanan, Face, still Seven and Eight. I'd hate to break up the best comedy team this side of the janitor's closet. Phanan: I love an understanding commander. Know where I can get one?"
 * Flora Poste in Cold Comfort Farm is a borderline snarker, although her good breeding mostly keeps it in check.
 * The protagonist of Fifth Business is one.
 * Marilla Cuthbert of Anne of Green Gables is an example.
 * The characters of Aaron Allston's parts of the X Wing Series tend towards this trope. Most of the not-inconsiderable amount of humor in his books is of this variety.

"Ben: (after hearing about one of Luke's earlier failures, specifically the cave section in ESB) You know, it gives me hope that you screwed up so badly and so consistently as a kid, Dad."
 * Mara Jade and Ben Skywalker are prone to this, but where Mara will start snarking just for the hell of it, Ben tends to save particularly nasty comments for moments when he's genuinely unhappy (although as we see in Outcast, he's not immune to random outbursts, either). And yes, both of them share the same irreverent sense of humor. Like mother, like son, really.


 * Deadpan humor seems to be by far the most prevalent kind in the EU; nearly all named characters (and there are plenty) will throw out a snarky line at least once.

"Han: What the Empire would have done is build a supercolossal Yuuzhan Vong-killing Battle Machine. They would have called it the Nova Colossus or the Galaxy Destructor or the Nostril of Palpatine or something equally grandiose. They would have spent billions of credits, employed thousands of contractors and subcontractors, and equipped it with the latest in death-dealing technology. And you know what would have happened? It wouldn't have worked. They'd forget to bolt down a metal plate over an access hatch leading to the main reactors, or some other mistake, and a hotshot enemy pilot would drop a bomb down there and blow the whole thing up. Now that's what the Empire would have done."
 * Han has a very memorable one in Destiny's Way

"Darth Vader: This is all vaguely interesting and amusing, Pavan. But it has gone on long enough."
 * Darth Vader of all people in the Star Wars Expanded Universe novel Patterns of Force. Here's the set-up: Vader has just captured protagonist Jax Pavan and his friends with the assistance of . Jax and have a back-and-forth about the betrayal and how much Jax has figured out about before Darth interrupts them thusly:

"Foaly: Just what else can that phone do? Artemis: It can play solitaire and minesweeper."
 * Vader is also quite the snarker in the films. When Han Solo, Leia and Chewbacca walk into an ambush on Cloud City, Vader greets them with a simple "Care to join us?"
 * Melinda, the main character of Laurie Halse Anderson's Speak, is deadpan in all aspects of life. Considering she, it's understandable. This doesn't stop her from being one of Anderson's most hilarious and likable characters.
 * The title character of Artemis Fowl

"Their little band of adventurers needed another smart-ass like they needed ten years of bad luck."
 * Many other characters also fall into this, for example Foaly, Holly, and Mulch (and occasionally Juliet) enjoy trading sarcastic statements. Mulch lampshades it in the narration of the fifth book:

"Athelney Jones: (talking about a Locked Room Mystery) What do you think of this, Holmes? Sholto was, on his own confession, with his brother last night. The brother died in a fit, on which Sholto walked off with the treasure? How's that? Sherlock Holmes: On which the dead man very considerately got up and locked the door on the inside."
 * Occasionally the title character of The Bartimaeus Trilogy, but he's more of an Uncontrollably Sneering Snarker, but we love him for it.
 * Mogget, the cat-formed servant of the Abhorsens' in Garth Nix's Old Kingdom series practically personifies this trope. The Disreputable Dog has her moments too.
 * The yankee in Mark Twain's A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court gets off digs at everyone, but especially the nobility. It usually goes right over their heads.
 * Sherlock Holmes is this trope!

"Winterbourne: If you won't flirt with me, do cease, at least, to flirt with your friend at the piano; they don't understand that sort of thing here. Not in young unmarried women. Daisy: It seems to me much more proper in young unmarried women than in old married ones."
 * And his non-canonical protégée and later wife, Mary Russell, in the Mary Russell books is just as deadpan a snarker as Holmes.
 * Watson has had his own fair share of snarks, to the point that Holmes does comment on his "pawky humour."
 * While in the main Outlander series, Lord John Gray is an example of the Officer and a Gentleman played relatively straight, he displays some definite tendencies towards being a deadpan snarker. (Well, when he's not mooning after Jamie.) Again, to some degree in his own series as well.
 * In the Chalet School series, Miss Wilson has a reputation for being very sarcastic with students who get on her bad side. And that includes Joey.
 * Many of the characters in the Vorkosigan Saga have their moments, particularly Miles Vorkosigan himself, but Simon Illyan is probably the best example.
 * Tybalt, King of the Cats is practically unable to be anything but this around October Daye.
 * Felix Castor - Felix lives this trope.
 * Daisy Miller:

"Benny: The Vardans? I think you'll find that your enemies tremble with mirth and cry out things like "Oh good, it's only the Vardans, thank goodness it wasn't somebody serious like the Daleks". You are, after all, the only race in history to be outwitted by the intellectual might of the Sontarans.'"
 * The title character in Ratmans Notebooks (the source material for the Willard movies). He's so good at it that he often comes across as a satirist or an observational comedian rather than the Ed Gein-inspired criminal he is.
 * Interestingly used in Joan Hess's Maggody mysteries, where Arly Hanks makes innumerable sarcastic comments, yet almost no one in the county has enough brains to get the joke. Thus, she mostly has to make due with First-Person Smartass monologues except when interrogating out-of-town suspects.
 * Professor Bernice Surprise Summerfield in the Doctor Who Expanded Universe. In No Future, for instance, she dismisses the Vardans based on their only TV appearance.

"Richard: The teacher usually learns more than the pupils. Isn't that true? Random Professor of Cambridge: It would be hard to learn much less than my pupils without undergoing a prefrontal lobotomy."
 * Helps that she's based on Emma Thompson.
 * Gerald Morris' The Squire's Tales turns many of King Arthur's knights into this. Particularly Gawain and Gaheris, Rhience, and Arthur himself when he allows himself.
 * Everything Douglas Adams writes is bound to have a deadpan snarker in it somewhere, but the most well known are Marvin and Arthur. Actually, apart from being fantastically and intrinsically linked to the events of the Earth blowing up (repeatedly) and wondering where the tea is, that's all Arthur does, although everyone gets in on the act at some point. Even the narrative. Constantly. Then again, it is Douglas Adams.

""Didn't you enjoy my largesse in the Khalif's court? I heard I sent you to Khebbel-im-Akkad after paying you to betray your master.""
 * Maybeck, the Grumpy Bear of Kingdom Keepers.
 * Barquiel L'Envers, of Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel's Legacy series. He has many snarky lines throughout the series, but the best has to be this one:

""Oh, look: Drake's trying to think.""
 * Jack in Sebastian Rook's Vampire Plague books. It really comes out when he's confronted with vampires. Or Dominique.
 * Would you believe HP Lovecraft? From "The Dunwich Horror": "But then, the homes and sheds of Dunwich's folk have never been remarkable for olfactory immaculateness."
 * One time a student of Lovecraft's mistook the common notation Ibid for the name of some ancient Roman fellow--which to be fair it does sound like. Lovecraft loved that so much that he wrote a story called "Ibid" about such a fellow in mockery. What kind of humour would you expect from a guy who thought that the universe was a harsh, hostile place?
 * Diana, in the Gone (novel) series.

"Pippin: There must be someone with intelligence in the party. Gandalf: Then you certainly will not be chosen, Peregrin Took!
 * To Kill a Mockingbird - Atticus Finch is an unusually benevolent version.
 * Many characters from The Lord of the Rings fall into this trope occasionally. Gandalf, though, is especially snarky.

Gandalf: (after Bilbo pulls his disappearing stunt at the birthday party) I'm glad to find you visible.

Gandalf: (meeting the bristling three walkers, who have mistaken him for Saruman) Well met indeed, my friends. I wish to speak with you. Will you come down, or shall I come up? (shortly later, after disarming them with barely a thought) Well met, I say again!"

"Christopher: You're not my type. Kitty: I'm sorry. Christopher: Don't be. I like 'em stupid."
 * Bilbo goes full-on Deadpan Snarker when giving birthday presents: his cousin who borrows books and never returns them, for instance, is given a large bookcase, and the relative who never answers letters gets an elaborate gold pen and inkwell.
 * In The Alien Series almost everyone around Kitty is one, especially Christopher.

"Seregil: (in otter form, throwing a fish at Thero's feet) A cold fish for a cold fish! Thero: He never can go anywhere without stealing something."
 * Buddenbrooks: Hanno and Kai, who "nickname" their teachers not "the spider" or "the cockatoo" as their classmates do, but rather "Herr X". Also, Hanno's geography teacher, who's a big fan of satirist Heinrich Heine, tries to be this.
 * Nightrunner is FULL of this, especially when Seregil is around. And put him and Thero into one room...

"In light of your former profession, I'm not certain if this was a compliment or an appraisal of the worth of my pelt."
 * After his first transformation into an otter in front of Alec (who is a pelt hunter) he replies on latter's praise:

"The Vicar: No one is allowed to give communion unless they are ordained. Danjel: As far as I know, nowhere in the Bible does it say that Our Lord Jesus was ordained."
 * After his uncle remarks that Seregil is the living image of his late mother Seregil retorts: "Just what a man wants to hear."
 * Let's just say, Lynn Flewelling herself is a great snarker. And loves it.
 * Gail Carriger's The Parasol Protectorate series has quite a few of these. Professor Lyall is a big one though. He has to be, being Lord Maccon's beta.
 * Christopher in The Lives of Christopher Chant, sometimes more than is good for him.
 * The HERO OF THE IMPERIUM title character of Ciaphas Cain does this constantly, and often regardless of whether the target is currently attempting to kill him. About the only ones that don't receive this are beings that don't speak, such as Necrons and Tyranids (not that he doesn't try on occasion), and Inquisitors, who are in practice of a far higher rank and rarely tolerate anything resembling amusement (with the exception of Vail, who seems to grow rather fond of verbal matches with him). Vail herself also seems to possess an inclination for this trope, if her footnotes are any indication.
 * Micheal "Mickey" Flynn from H. Turtledove's Colonization series seems to get at least one line a section, and often rather more common (half his lines to Johnson on occasion seem to be deadpan snarks), at least in the proximity of Glen Johnson. Runners up are Glen Johnson himself, and Charles Healey. All the Americans get at least one line in, as well as a few of the Lizards (especially Atvar).
 * Danjel in Vilhelm Moberg's Emigrants Suite manages to be a deadpan snarker and the meekest man around at the same time.

"D'Anconia: It is unwise Jim, to venture unsolicited opinions. You may wish to spare yourself the embarassing relevation of their exact value to the listerner."
 * Halt from Ranger's Apprentice is a Deadpan Snarker - if he's suddenly serious, you know something's very, very wrong.
 * In Death: Eve Dallas is so very much this.
 * Kouma Yon.
 * Mr. Skree in The Kingdoms of Evil.
 * Alan Dean Foster's spinoff Dinotopia novels feature a wisecracking Protoceratops named Chaz. Bix from the main books also shows hints of this.
 * Sisterhood series by Fern Michaels: Jack Emery can do this like nobody else can. More than one character calls him a wiseass.
 * Ayn Rand is often accused of lacking a sense of humour. In fact her sense of humour was just too deadpan and cynical for people to understand. Get this burn Francisco d'Anconia lays on Jim Taggart in Atlas Shrugged:

"Rearden: Run along, Non-Absolute. Try and pour a ton of molten steel on the expediency of the moment."
 * And the smackdown Hank Rearden gives to his assistant:

"Upon this Sancho remarked, "From what I have seen here, justice is such a good thing that there is no doing without it, even among the thieves themselves." One of the squires heard this, and raising the butt-end of his harquebuss would no doubt have broken Sancho's head with it had not Roque Guinart called out to him to hold his hand. Sancho was frightened out of his wits, and vowed not to open his lips so long as he was in the company of these people."
 * Every main character in The Cornersville Trace Mythos, ever.
 * Machado de Assis' works often exhibit this.
 * Fisk from the Knight and Rogue Series. Usually in response to Michael.
 * Elizabeth Bathory in Count and Countess.
 * Deconstructed in Saul Bellow's Him with His Foot in His Mouth, where the narrator is, in essence, a deadpan-snark addict. He couldn't resist any opening for snide remarks and would feel guilty after the damage is done, at times with sincere apologies. The number of faux pas he committed is enormous and that eventually contributed in ruining his life.
 * Don Quixote: Deconstructed by Sancho Panza: What happens in Real Life to those who cannot say anything without being sarcastic? Why, Sancho is beaten by Don Quixote and a lot of other people. The problem is that a lot of people enjoys Sancho’s sarcasm (he is good at it) and so he feels compelled to say it, even when he is in perilous situations, like when he denied payment to a Innkeeper (Chapter XVII part I), and he mocked the entire people of the Braying Town or the highwaymen of Barcelona (Chapters XXVII and LX of the part II) The first give him a beating, the highwaymen almost kill him:

"One of the squires observed in his mixture of Gascon and Catalan, "This captain of ours would make a better friar than highwayman; if he wants to be so generous another time, let it be with his own property and not ours."
 * Andres (the flooged boy) snarking about Don Quixote's rescue is the first clue the reader has that he was an Asshole Victim all the time. And the only murder that is explicitly shown in this novel is the bandit who dared to snark to his leader.

The unlucky wight did not speak so low but that Roque overheard him, and drawing his sword almost split his head in two, saying, "That is the way I punish impudent saucy fellows." They were all taken aback, and not one of them dared to utter a word, such deference did they pay him."


 * Asher from Someone Elses War is spectacular at this.