Frasier/Funny

"Niles: Will the McAllister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets."
 * Five Words: The "hot and foamy" scene.
 * Also the bit where Frasier, Daphne, and Martin meet Niles' new dog.
 * The "Nightmare Inn!" fiasco from Ham Radio.

"Frasier: Why, yes, Miss Thorndyke, it appears to be— *cues organ music, but calliope music comes out instead* …the ice cream truck! But never mind…that… *everybody starts dumping papers from the script*"
 * Especially the improvised ending.
 * This bit:

"Blaine: Now now, he has every right to be up here. He is one of God's creatures.
 * "Look out! He's got a nug!"
 * "And one final bullet for myself, so the secret dies with me! *bang* Ha."
 * "Hey Daphne, I just realized something! It took three Cranes to lift you!"
 * "He says he wants you to apologize. He didn't steal...your shoes!"
 * "Oh my god, he's going to kill me!"
 * "Whatever you do, don't get into a fistfight! The whole thing would just look too weird!"
 * This part is pretty self-explanatory:

Frasier (defensively): I AM NO SUCH THING!"

"Martin: Blah blah blah. (To Daphne) Afraid you're going to lose your looks? Happens to everyone. (To Frasier) Afraid you're going to end up alone? You'll still have your family. (To Niles) Afraid you're going to be a bad father? Join the club. Now clam it up and go to sleep.
 * "A Valentine for Niles." Comparisons to Buster Keaton are not unwarranted.
 * It was billed as "The funniest five minutes on television" in the ads. They're right.
 * The climax of the episode "Dark Side of the Moon". As the other characters are captivated and horrified by the four-car pile-up caused by Daphne's Slight Induced Rant, including Daphne herself, a miffed and cold-ridden Frasier walks by and says "Fine! I'll just make my own tea!"
 * Frasier's pirate accent in "Roz's Turn".
 * "The Cranes in Maine have got your living brain!"
 * "But nothing ever changes! Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?
 * Martin and Eddie's dreams in the episode "Freudian Sleep." Of course, since Martin sang a rather catchy tune in his dream, I didn't know whether to categorize this as a CMOF or Crowning Music of Awesome.
 * Oh yeah, there's also the way Martin allayed the other three characters' tension about their nightmares:

Niles: I'm starting to regret inviting him up here."

"Frasier: You know, you're jealous. You're jealous that I'm having sex. Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex. What are you having?
 * This exchange in the middle of a crowded coffee shop. Too Much Information at it's finest:

[he doesn't notice the waitress behind him]

Niles: I'm having a latte."

"Frasier: "She's back! The scourge of my existence!"
 * Three Words: Buttons & Bows.
 * "WHO WATCHES PBS?!....I'll tell you who..."
 * The whole last third of "The Innkeepers" (or The One Where Frasier and Niles buy a restaurant), but especially "Big blue flash. Cherries... everywhere."
 * The look on Daphne's face when the emergency sprinklers went off was also priceless.
 * The minute details they mull over in the second third are even better after watching the whole episode. Also, their snobbish reaction when they realized they thought of the perfect name: "It's friendly, inviting, yet just difficult enough to pronounce to intimidate the riffraff!"
 * In the same episode, there's a tank of live eels, which Niles has to reach into and grab one and kill it. He decides to hack at it with a meat cleaver and is splashing like a moron, making Frasier ask him, "What in God's name are you doing? Just reach in there and get it over with!" "Not until I'm sure it's dead!" Prompting Daphne to shout, "Oh, for Heaven's sake!" stalk over there, grab one straight off, then whip it around and smack it into the table and hands it to Niles, then gets back to what she was doing. Frasier's and Niles' shocked and disgusted expressions are positively PRICELESS.
 * For extra laughs, also pay close attention to the eel Niles is holding after Daphne kills it.
 * Or the part where Niles asks how he's supposed to kill them, and Frasier tells him he can throw a toaster in the tank for all he cares. Frasier goes out to talk to one of the guests, and the lights dim...
 * Want to see a magnificent actor ham it Up to Eleven ? Watch Sir Derek Jacobi on the stage in "The Show Must Go Off." Or even better, the end of this scene.
 * Frasier asks Noel Shempski to translate his blessing for Freddie's bar mitzvah into Hebrew, and promises to get Scott Bakula's autograph in return. When he fails to do so, Noel gets revenge by translating the blessing into Klingon instead.
 * "SPELL HIS ASS OFF!!!"
 * One word: "VENEER!"
 * Any time the Cranes allude to Lilith or Bebe's evilness:

Niles: "Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the walls...""


 * Or this for Bebe :

"Roz: It's not like she worships the devil!

Frasier: She doesn't have to worship the devil! He worships her!"

"Lilith: Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again. You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways.
 * And when Lilith hits them right back:

Frasier: Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.

Lilith: (perplexed) What do you mean, "celebrity"?

Frasier: (darkly) Oh, they know you.

Lilith: I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser."

"Niles: Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights.
 * The scene in Bebe's hotel room from "The Devil and Dr. Phil".
 * From the episode "Crock Tales," we get this gem:

(because of the way he pronounced it, though, Martin just has to ask)

Martin: Did you say "carnal" or "caramel"?"

"Frasier: Good team, good friends. (realizing his weight loss team is going to the birthday party to get cake) Good God! People, please, it's not worth it! It's sheet cake!"
 * Yeah, Niles, that was Purple Prose even for you.
 * The entire second half of "Ski Lodge," topped off by Frasier's perfect summation:
 * I'll bet if Frasier had known that was going to happen, he would have let Roz keep the ski lodge tickets.
 * Here's one from the episode "Frasier-Lite":

"Frasier: Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call."
 * Frasier blasting a listener whose "problem" is he can't decide what to name his boat:

"Niles: A real child would have started screaming before it burst into flames."
 * Niles's "flour child." Especially funny when it gets run through with a sword, drop-kicked into the reflecting pool, and eaten by Eddie.

"Frasier: I AM NOT CRAZY! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos Islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!"
 * And Eddie ripping the 'flour child' apart in puffs of flour as Daphne looks mildly on and declares in an Australian accent, "'At dingo's got yer baby..." never fails to make me LOL.
 * In "Murder Most Maris", Frasier milking the fact that he was "recently punched in the face by a man now dead" to distract from an argument is pretty funny. The fact that it works is even funnier. That he does it twice more through the episode and it works every single time? Crowning Moment.
 * "That's it. I've lost. Maris has won...Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That why Niles lives in the Shangri-La and drives a HATCHBACK!"
 * From "Frasier's Imaginary Friend":

"Phil: I just wanna thank you Cliff, for all the great times we had at Cheers.
 * From "Cheerful Goodbyes," Phil (played by Phil Perlman, Rhea's father) stands up to offer a toast.

Cliff: You were always there for me Al.

Phil: I'm Phil. Al's been dead for fourteen years, ya dumb son of a bitch!"

"Frasier: I seem to recall the word 'stallion-like'!
 * Frasier, after sleeping. with Roz.

Roz: I never said stallion.

Frasier: Well, one of us did!"

"Niles: Why is Joaquin on such a strict diet?
 * Dinner Party, the entire episode is one long string of Crowning Moments building up to future Crowning Moments.

Frasier: Because the Joaquin they're bringing to dinner is... their foster child! From a tiny village on the pampas. He speaks no English and he gets nauseated when he eats American food!

Niles: So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?

Frasier: Oh, you are SO "that other one"!"

"Frasier: So drink hearty, Franklin, and laugh! Because you have made a pact with Beelzebub, and her name is Mary Anne!" [actors applaud]"
 * The Show Where Diane Comes Back featuring a pretentious stage version of Cheers with Diane as Mary Anne. Words do not do it justice.
 * Diane giggling in delight at her own jokes was the icing on the cake. And Frasier's speech is just epic, especially his delivery of "bony fingers!"

"Niles: How dare you try to steal my group!
 * Frasier's reaction when he finds out Diane is back is also priceless. It is so ridiculously over the top.
 * Shrink Rap

Frasier: I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!

Niles: Oh yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint and call it FrasierStock!"

"Roz: It's ok, I think she's gone....Oh wait! I see her coat on the hat-rack.
 * From the cruise ship episode, where Frasier, Roz and Niles are trapped hiding in the bathroom of Maris's suite:

Frasier: Look closer, is the hat-rack moving?

Roz: Oh my GOD!!"

"Barracuda: I see you are versed in the international language of love.
 * And after Roz and Frasier meet the Barracuda:

Frasier: Oh yes Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto!"

"Paula: Do you mind if I ask? Is this homemade or store-bought?
 * Roz and the Schnoz is one of the funniest episodes in the series as well, when Roz finds out the grandparents of her unborn child have gigantic noses - and they are completely oblivious to the fact, which leaves everyone in stitches when they're not watching.

Steve: Honey, don't ask that! Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little nosey.

Paula: Me nosey? You're the nosey one in the family.

Steve: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosey!

Paula: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosier!

(At this point, Niles, Daphne and Martin are mightily struggling to keep from collapsing in laughter. Even Frasier finally cracks and guffaws in the kitchen.)"

"Frasier: You know Roz, in spite of a rather shaky beginning, I think this evening's turned out rather well.
 * Frasier tries to console Roz, but she says what everyone is probably thinking:

Roz: Oh yeah, and you were absolutely right, Frasier. Now I can see some of the qualities my baby can have. A great sense of humor... a sweet disposition... a nose like an ANTEATER!!"

"Roz: Oh my GOD!
 * Finally, Roz gets some relief that Rick, the father, had a normal nose. Then she learns that Rick broke his nose in a hockey accident, and had plastic surgery to fix it. Steve and Paula give her a picture of Rick from before the surgery. After they leave, Roz's reaction to the picture is predictable:

Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz! It can't be that bad, let me have a look!

Roz: No, no way, no! I'll never hear the end of it!

Frasier: Please.

(Roz shows Frasier the photos. He looks... and quickly shows them to Niles and Daphne. They stare.)

Niles: (awed) Where is the end of it?"

"Niles: These women are inscrutable as sphinxes!
 * Frasier and Niles have asked two women they've just met to come away for the weekend, but they're not sure if the women think everything's purely platonic:

Frasier: Yes, they've got us into some most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?!

Beth: Well, I'm going to bed. Niles, are you coming? [Beat]

Niles: Curse these infernal riddles!"

"Frasier: I don't think this building can be as exclusive as you said. Your doorman just waved me right through.
 * One of Niles' most magnificent brotherly putdowns, in an episode where he's been bragging about the new apartment complex he's living in:

Niles: Well, he recognised you.

Frasier: (preening) Oh! A fan of my show?

Niles: No. He lives in your building."

"Let's all go to a taco show! Mebby hawd and beddy hose, something and something and buttons and bows!"
 * This scene (starts at 3:20) from the episode where Frasier goes into private practice.
 * In one of the episodes where Lilith comes back, and Martin knocks on the front door and asks Frasier in a bad whisper- "Is the witch gone yet?" and sees her over Frasier's shoulder. "Oh, Lilith! I was just asking Frasier- is my twitch gone yet?" Complete with very bad fake facial tic. To which Lilith only deadpans, "Skillfully done, Martin."
 * The episode where Lilith reveals that she's getting remarried. Everyone stares at her for a moment until she clarifies that it's to someone other than Frasier. Martin then throws his cane aside and staggers halfway across the room to hug her. This is probably the fastest he's ever moved on the show.
 * The episode where Frasier encourages everyone to celebrate the leap year by taking a chance. Martin mentions how Daphne is always talking about wanting to change her hairstyle and then proceeds to imitate her accent. It's just so....weird.
 * I am about to blow your mind: John Mahoney is British!
 * Speaking of that episode - after everybody else's "Leap Day" plans get shot to hell, Frasier backs out of singing an aria for a PBS drive and falls back on his "Buttons and Bows" routine... without rehearsing.

"Niles: He's crushed his hand...and commandeered his newsstand."
 * Quite a bit of the episode The Focus Group, which is at its funniest when Frasier is bugging the guy to tell him why he doesn't like him, while Niles watches from a distance and narrates for Martin. Results in this gem:

"Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
 * The moment in Boo when Frasier - tired of being the butt of Martin's practical jokes - retaliates by pretending to leave the apartment, dressing in a clown outfit, hiding in the bathroom and then leaping out with a meat cleaver in hand when Martin passes by...causing Martin to promptly collapse with a heart attack and have to be rushed to hospital.
 * The last straw.
 * A side arc in She's The Boss revolves around Niles trying to get a gun for defense, as the security at his house is screwing up. The second time he appears, he's bought a starter's pistol, and while explaining to Martin that it gives Maris a sense of safety, he accidentally fires it. Frasier (who's been spending the entire scene trying to get some sleep) runs out of his room freaking out about what just happened.

Niles: And there's no need to get snippy, accidents happen, you know.

Frasier: I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!"

"Frasier: I asked you to keep that dog quiet and instead you OUTFIT HIM WITH A MEGAPHONE!"
 * In the same, Frasier is once again forced to sleep days, and Eddie - who is wearing a protective dog collar - starts barking upstairs upstairs at the dog who injured him. This causes Frasier to explode as well.

"Frasier: In other words, WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SEX? Sex, sex, sex sex sex sex sex!"
 * And the end credits where Martin is having trouble with the TV, so Daphne puts Eddie on it to fix the reception.
 * When Frasier rages at Daphne with incredibly misogynistic insults, Martin marvels at Daphne for keeping her cool. She calmly says that it's part of her job. However, she calls Eddie to take a walk with a very loud whistle, causing Frasier to scream in pain offscreen.
 * Also from that episode, Frasier's...raunchy broadcast.

"Daphne: Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?
 * While Roz laces up her leather bustier, this is doctor Frasier Crane, KACL, all talk, all night, all naked!
 * From Halloween. Niles is on the phone with Maris as Frasier and Daphne pretend to be Merry Olde English lovers, to Niles' consternation.

Frasier: After you, my juicy wench!

Niles: "My juicy wench"?! (into phone) No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait! (to Frasier) I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!"

"Niles: I'm warning you, Frasier, I have made a fist and I am thinking of using it!
 * In Shrink Rap, Frasier and Niles start a clinic together. After they get on each other's nerves too much, they walk out from the therapy session they're holding to have a discussion outside, and we get this gem:

Frasier: You are not scaring me--the thumb goes on the outside, Niles!"

"Frasier: My God ... it's Stonehenge."
 * Frasier's deliciously hammy reaction after buying a sound system with gigantic speakers for Martin.

"Niles: Damn, I owe dad $5."
 * "Dr. Crane, your glockenspiel has sprung to life!"
 * The opening scene from "Frasier Grinch" where Frasier tries to read a fable on the air while the office Christmas party is going on. It's better than it sounds.
 * When Lilith visits to announce her next husband left her... for a man.

"Herm Evans: Hey, what's this over here? Free liquor?!?"
 * Frasier Has Spokane
 * For some reason, Joe Flaherty's line reading here always makes me laugh.

"Daphne: It was like Gilbert and Sullivan - only frightening."
 * Daphne, now a member of the Crane family, shows she's really a member by throwing a dinner party. You can see where we're going here...
 * Only Frasier could take a simple request for a pre-show jingle and turn it into this.

"Niles *yelling to Frasier in the gay bar, just as the loud music cuts out* WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE ME HOME!?"
 * Almost everything about the episode "The Doctor is Out".

"Frasier: Dear god, can't you make him shut up!?
 * In "The First Temptation of Daphne", a particularly noisy cricket invades the apartment.

Martin: That prayer doesn't get answered around here."

"Freddy: That's your guy, you've just escaped from an intergalactic maximum-security prison pod.
 * In the Apparent Trap Niles is going to say goodbye to Freddy and finds him playing a PS 2, freddy gets him to play and everything afterwords is pure gold.

Niles: Like they could hold me.

Niles immediately dies by falling over in the training level."

""I got in, realized I made a mistake and then tried like hell to get out. There was a lot of shouting and then a line started to form behind me. You'd be surprised how long 20 minutes can be when you're watching the clock. At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars.""
 * He then spends the entire episode failing at the game, and when Lilith comes through to talk to him, she takes the controller and starts playing. Extremely well.
 * After a mishap concerning getting out of paying for a parking garage he didn't use, Frasier rushes back to KACL in time to finish his show. Unfortunately, Roz, in her attempts to fill in for him, unintentionally told everyone that she slept with Frasier. When asked about what happened during "the incident", Frasier describes the parking garage incident instead.


 * There's an absolutely hysterical Funny Background Event at the end of The Proposal. Daphne has just accepted Niles' proposal after Frasier has surreptitiously ushered out the musicians, waiters and angels who he and Niles had hired to make it memorable. A man with a trumpet walks out of the bedroom upstairs, about to play a fanfare as Daphne and Niles embrace... And Frasier tackles him back into the room.
 * Martin's date in Out with Dad. Especially when he pretends Niles is his boyfriend.