For Inconvenience Press One/Quotes

""For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.""

- Alice Kahn

""Dogbert Tech Support. How may we abuse you?""

- Dogbert, Dilbert

""For tech support, please press the exact value of 22 divided by 7.""

- Automated Sadistic Phone System, Dilbert

""...but if you have type AB negative blood and you're tall but not blonde press the square root of 42 on your keypad...""

- Dogbert's Clues for the Clueless

"Church: Alright, shut up; I'm on the phone Tucker Jr.: Honk! Church: And do me a favor -- kill that fucking thing, would you? Tucker Jr.: Blargh... Vic: (contact established) Hey, dudes! Church: Vic! Hey, it's Church-- Vic: This is Vic at 555-VICK, doodily-doo! I'm not in the casito right now, so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta! (Voice Mail beeps) Church: Hey, Vic, this is Church. I need-- Voice Mail: Church: (disgusted sigh) Okay, okay, come on. Voice Mail: Church: I know how to leave a goddamn message. Voice Mail: Church: Really. Hang up. No shit! I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voice mail. Voice Mail: . Church: Just give me the damn beep! Voice Mail: Church: Come on! Voice Mail: Church: I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady! Voice Mail: Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE! Doc: Oooh, language! Voice Mail: Church: I HAAAAAATE YOOOOU! (Voice Mail beeps) Church: Vic! It's Church! I need-- Voice Mail: (disconnect) Church: Ugh... I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself."

- Red vs. Blue

"Durkon: Mighty Thor, yer humble servant asks ye for aid in me hour a' need. ThorPrayer: Hello, and welcome to ThorPrayer. [...] If you know the name of the miracle you would like to request, chant "one" now. Durkon: One! ThorPrayer: Please intone the first three letters of the name of the miracle now. Durkon: Well, I want to heal ye, so... H-E-A! ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heathen Smiting". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two". Durkon: Two! ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heat Blisters of Eternal Pain". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two". Durkon: Two! TWO! ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Tumor". To choose the type of tumor with which to smite Thor's enemies, chant "three" now. Durkon: Three. No! CRAP! ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Colon Tumor". Durkon: Gaah! Elan: Umm... Could I maybe just get a potion?"

- The Order of the Stick

"Press 1 - If everything is working fine. Press 2 - If key 3 exceeds key 5. Press 3 - If you would like to talk to 4. Press 5 - For support in the Azores. Press 6 - To go further back in line. Press 7 - To win a Hovedøya bus ride. Press 8 - If your broadband's gotten broader. Press 9 - If a banjo solo is in order."

- Øystein Sunde, "Sentralbord-sangen" ("the Switchboard Song", translated from Norwegian)