Heroes (TV series)/Recap/Out of Time

And we're back! We start with a recap of Kensei, now known as Mighty Whitey, slugging Time Lord Hiro in the back of the head and giving Expendable Love Interest 616 a long lingering look that just screams "Potential rapist".

After a recap featuring the usual strange, vaguely metaphyiscal nonsense from Mohindrance, we're into the action!

at the Joseph Stalin Memorial Park: Hiro who will now be referred to as Time Lord has had his nose shoved into a dollop of opium by Mighty Whitey. No, their not getting freaky yaoi fangirls, put your fanart away! Rather Whitey has not only fallen off the slippery slope he's taken a running jump off it, planning to kill Hiro, conquer Japan and rape Yaeko (In that order). Yaeko, who I will now refer to as Expendable Love Interest 616 doesn't look too happy about this but oddly enough her father doesn't seem all that bothered that a mentally unstable immortal englishman wants to take over his country by force and then force himself on his daughter. Maybe it's a cultural thing or perhaps he's just wandering when he's going to wake up from this surreal dream he's having involving demented immortal gaijins and time travelling salarymen.

Meanwhile, at the Mysterious Office of Gold: Mohindrance is chatting with the GODDAMN HRG MAN about how he's brought GPS Loli to the Vague Ancient Conspiracy. GODDAMN HRG MAN is in the proccess of burning eight plot twist pictures, presumably so no one can use them to post spoilers on the forums. They show Peter staring gormlessly at a bunch of dead bodies, Time Lord fighting Whitey, Mohindrance holding a gun and GODDAMN HRG MAN dead. GODDAMN HRG MAN apparently doesn't think there's any significance to the fact that picture number 7 is Mohindrance holding a smoking gun while number eight is him lying dead. Minus one common sense point. If this keeps up, he'll be as bad as Peter. Mohindrance hangs up when Striperella arrives to chat with him in a way that makes it even less clear if she's Nikki or Jessica. Were the writers ever going to do anything with this plotline? Ah well, cest la vie. Mohindrance learns that Deputy Dog and Frying Man have arrived because Deputy Dogs father, Rapeman the creepy ratlike guy who likes invading little girls dreams and mind raping them, is coming to kill Champion Spoon Collector Bob

In the GRIM FUTURE Shirtless Lad and his sidekick Oirish Gal have arrived to find a desolate wasteland known as New York. But now the dsolate wasteland is strewn with evacuation notices dated one year later. Peter wanders about screaming the word HELLO while Caitlin looks on, wondering perhaps if she should chime in with "Is it me you're looking for?" But SHOCK! Oirish Gal and Shirtless Lad are captured by Several Sinister Suited men who hold them down (Copping a few feels in the proccess no doubt) and asking if they have any symptoms or if they are sick. Rather than just say "No" Peter asks what their talking about, coming across as confused and clueless. You'd think at this point he would have worked out what was going on, but apparently not. Then again, he's still playing soccer with the idiot ball at the moment.

Meanwhile, at the Bennet Cave: Hot Body Wolverine awakes to a text from Stalkerman, the flying pervert. She comes to the realisation that he somehow knows what's happening inside her house in a scene that, while intended as romantic comes across as the opening bit of Scream with text messaging. Hot Body Wolverine comes down to find Stalkerman heroically entering her home despite the number of times she told him not to. Puppy Love Milf Mother however isn't too worried as she's clearly ogling Stalkerman. Given how long the GODDAMN HRG MAN spends away on "Business Trips" its no wonder her eye has start to wander. Hot Body Wolverine points out that some people think its rude for someone to drop in unannounced. But it's also considered rude to lurk outside someones bedroom window, watching them with the cold eyes of a killer and that didn't stop Stalkerman less than eight episodes ago. Stalkerman is apparently very proud of how he and his girlfriend traumatised a young girl who was only guilty of being a bit bitchy, got her kicked off the cheerleading squad and suspended from school. While Hot Body Wolverine isn't ashamed in the slighest, just worried that because they made the paper someone will trace it back to her. Still she stops complaining to pull Stalkerman in for a make out session, so she can cover up the picture of her dad. Can't have her boyfriend learning an important piece of information that could save everyone a lot of trouble, can we? I'd just like to point out how screwed up it is that apparently it's terrible that the head cheerleader was mean to Claire yet it's perfectly okay for Claire to put her through a highly traumatic, mentally scarring experience. Moral Dissonance, thy name is Heroes.

Meanwhile again, once more: Deputy Dog is trying to convince Champion Spoon Collector to come along with him for "protection" vivid fantasies doubtless playing out in his mind involving golden marital aids and creative uses for spoons. But Spoon Collector is having none of that and instead wants Deputy Dog to give it to Rapeman with his long steel needle...the Shanti Virus that is. Mohindrance tries to be the voice of (Un)reason, suggesting that using a virus that takes away abilities on an unrepentant murderer whose only dangerous because he HAS abilities is, in some way, a bad idea. Striperella offers to give it to Rapeman, clearly annoyed she hasn't gotten the chance to beat anyone seneless this season, but Spoon Collector is adamant: Deputy Dog must master the ways of the force to stop his father, who is now more plot device than man.

Meanwhile, many years ago: Mr Miyagi, father to Expendable Love Interest 616 has finally realised that, big surprise, the situation is BAD. He regrets making guns for White Beard (Hereafter referred to as Black Beard because that's what he's bloody well got) Expendable Love Interest 616, perhaps sick and tired of the way this show treats female characters, reveals she's actually useful for something other than cliched scenes under cherry blossoms and frees herself, Time Lord and Mr Miyagi from the clutches of Black Beard and Mighty Whitey

Thousands and Thousands of years ago, in the distant future: Those creepy sanitation worker types are giving Shirtless Lad and Oirish Gal a good hosing down and somewhere thousands of men and women are drooling and coming up with depraved fanfiction. Shirtless Lad wants to know why he's being given a good wash, which he clearly needed given how grimy he looked (He should have asked Caitlin to give him another sponge bath before heading off to Murder someone). Extra With Speaking Part lets him know he's dead which must come as quite a shock (Question: If Peter is in the future, how can he have been around in the past? If you travel to the future, then travel back to a point AFTER you first travelled into the future, can you meet yourself? How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? Discuss) Extra With Speaking part, clearly certain that Peter hasn't had enough trauma and sorrow today, lets him know that a virus has killed 93% of the worlds population, proving he's been watching the NBC promos dilligently. He then shows himself as a truly caring, emphatic individual by remarking that it's "Been a tough week" while staring out at a mountain of corpses. Clearly a man with all the warmth of humanity of, oh, Hannibal Lecter.

No time like the present: Deputy Dog is leaning over GPS Loli in a way that is either sweet and heartbreaking, creepy as hell or sexy as all get out, depending on what kind of person you are. If you are the the third type of person mentioned, take a good long look at yourself sunshine. Deputy Dog, apparently seeing a perfect oppurtunity for character development decides to give a monolouge about how he blames himself for his father leaving (Wrongly) and GPS Loli's condition (Rightly). This is actually quite touching and a flicker of season one brilliance. He also transmits how much he loves GPS Loli into her head. While hundreds of Matt/Molly shippers squee with delight and hundreds of sane people rightly see it as a touching moment of fatherly affection, Molly "Hears" Matt and her brainwaves start to peak. She now has at least minimal brain function, which makes her smarter than half the cast of this season.

Meanwhile, at the Mohinderance Insitute for the Not Very Gifted: Mohindrance and Striperella are arguing about whether the Company is good or bad, which is rather bizarre as Striperella knows for a fact that the company took her son from her, tried to kill her and her husband, used and abused her and tried to blow up half of New York. There's "Morally Grey" and then there's "Absolute Evil". It's an important distinction. Then, surprise surprise, Ethnic Kitty Pryde is back! No, he's not alive again, they can't afford to keep him around for a full season. No it's Rapeman mind raping her mind with his mind raping powers. This guy is to minds what Dr Light is to Sue Dibny (Too soon?)

Meanwhile, at the Fortress of Bad Assitude: Frying Man is continuing his upward swing in this season, from shark to...what's the heroic opposite of a shark? Anyway, whatever it is he's becoming it, not taking any of Spoon Collector's crap and wanting answers. Spoon Collector reveals that Meaningful Name Monroe is the one who wants to kill everyone and Rapeman is a blunt...instrument. Oh and Shirtless Lad is alive which is a shock to Nathan but not to us. So it's an odd place to end the scene. It's meant to be dramatic but we've seen Shirtless Lad before. He's alive and well and living in Oireland.

In the Corpse Cavern: Shirtless Lad is taken to see Mother of Mine who helps him remember some of his past. Not all, otherwise they wouldn't have a flimsy excuse to have a flashback episode next week.

At Casa de Creepy: Hot Body Wolvering and Stalkerman are making out while listening to music...on headphones. I'm pretty sure this is product placement because when I'm about to get laid I'm not usually listening to an I-Pod or MP3 or whatever that damn thing is. But SHOCK! Stalkerlad is thwarted in his attempts to do what man has longed to do for many years: Bang Hayden Pannetiere, by that most common of teenage maladies. You're girlfriends parents arriving home early. But this isn't just any parent, it's the GODDAMN HRG MAN who did things to Stalkerman in his youth...unspeakable things (Perhaps explaining his creepy stalker activities) and Stalkerman flees in anger (But doesn't look back in it) while the GODDAMN HRG MAN believes Hot Body Wolverine's lies about no one else having been at the home despite the fact he A: Heard her talking to someone and B: Found her holding to posicles. Minus TEN common sense points. He's stolen the idiot ball from Shirtless Lad alright.

In the land of the Rising Waffle: Expendable Love Interest 616 tells Time Lord, quite sensibly, that he's more screwed than a passed out coed at a frat kegger. But he's determined to reason with Mighty Whitey and doesn't want Expendable Love Interest 616 coming with him because she's a girl, and girls can't do anything. Plus, she'll get in the way of his and Mighty Whitey's red hot yaoi UST.

Look Robin! It's the Rape Signal!: Rapeman is still mind raping Nikki's mind like it was Tori Amos and he was the guy who gave her a ride home (Too soon?) she finally goes crazy(er) after seeing Ethnic Kitty Pryde's hologram/illusion shot in front of her by an illusion of Spoon Collector. She does something we've all longed to do: Beat up Mohinderance (It's the happiest she's looked all season. Writers take note: Let her beat people up more often) Thankfully Mohinderance is unconscious so can't give a monolouge about how it now hurts to breathe. Striperella grabs a syringe (She's taken a leaf out of Isaacs book it seems) and heads off to do things to Spoon Collector

At the home of Charlton Heston: Time Lord is surrounded by guns and preparing to blow them up when a tall figure in smaurai armour with an english accent enters. I was dissapointed to see it wasn't, in fact, Mr T but Mighty Whitey. Time Lord appeals to his lover, trying to make him take him back. But Mighty Whitey is having none of it and the two begin a FUCKING AWESOME SWORD FIGHT. Yes, an actual fight in Heroes, that isn't cut off by a scene change! It's made of win as the two spar, like Luke and Vader, and Mighty Whitey reveals he's not going to rape Yaeko (Good times!) he's going to murder her (Bad times!) Time Lord still offers him a chance to live until Mighty Whitey threatens everyone Time Lord cares for. Well after that it's MURDERIN TIME and Time Lord leaves Mighty Whitey to die. (It's the Batman rule: It's not murder if you just LEAVE SOMEONE TO MEET CERTAIN DEATH)

Back at Bob's: Spoon Collector is showing Frying Man his porn stash, as well as a video of Shirtless Lad. He tells him he was in Oireland but leaves out the whole bit where he sent his psychotic daughter to totally kill someone. Striperella, whose mind by this point has been raped like it was Annabel Chong and Maury was the gang of horny guys who raped her in a trash chute (Too soon?) starts to beat down the door. Back with Deputy Dog he's so full of UST for GPS Loli that he enters her nightmare and the two have what is either a sweet moment or a lovers reunion. It's your interepreation fanboy, I won't judge. While the lovers/family/waffles reunite Deputy Dog somehow summons his father by yelling his name. It sounds crazy but hey, Lydia could summon Beetlejuice by yelling his name so I guess it works the same way. Back with Striperella whose mind has been as raped as badly as Jodie Foster was in The Accused (Too soon?) she finally breaks that door down. Well done her. Deputy Dog calls the old man out on all his failings as a father and tells him he hope he enjoys raping those minds, because he's raped his last mind. Rapeman tells him how wrong he is, and that Rapeman ALWAYS rapes minds. So Deputy Dog traps him in a living nightmare, while he and GPS Loli walk into the sunset. But Striperella tired of her mind being raped worse than Brandon Teena (Too...okay, I'm going to stop doing that joke now) pulls an Isaac and injects herself.

Back with Shirtless Lad, he's decided that he can't be bothered to save the world apparently, until he sees Caitlin being sent back to Oireland. Despite the fact that it's painfully obvious she's not actually Oirish, just an American doing a funny accent. Shirtless Lad and Oirish Gal run towards one another but Shirtless Lad comes back to the past just as they meet. Bad luck Shirtless Lad, at least you get to screw Hayden Pannetiere once the cameras stop rolling you lucky bastard.

Time Lord is satisfied that Mighty Whitey is dead but worried he's destroyed history. It is a bit troubling but Expendable Love Interest 616 says that Time Lord WAS Kensei all along. A plot twist impossible to see coming...if you're blind. Time Lord interprets the final story, in which Kensei cuts out his heart, to mean that he must go back to the present. Now I'm all for alternate interpretation of myths and fables but deciding that "Cut out your own heart and give it to a dragon" actually means "Travel through time and space to go back to your job in an office in Tokyo" is utterly fucking insane.

Back with Mohinderance he's doing SCIENCE. But sadly SCIENCE has failed as Striperella, now over her mind being raped like it was the star of a tentacle hentai, learns that SCIENCE cannot cure her and she is going to die. Larter manages to take this emotional scene and appear totally non plussed throughout. Seriously, it looks like she's just been told she's got a twenty pound fine, not a life threatening illness

Back at the Ando Cave: Ando, who I will now call Ethnic Robin, is relaxing in the place of work that, for some reason, lets him keep a samurai sword on full display. When suddenly Time Lord arrives! Good times! And Ethnic Robin tells him his dad's a corpse. Bad times!

Back at the Hall of Jackassery: Puppy Love MILF Mother has told the GODDAMN HRG MAN about Stalkerman and Hot Body Wolverine. He's pissed expecially about the stunt they pulled. GODDAMN HRG MAN wants to get the hell outta dodge but Hot Body Wolverine isn't going anywhere.

Back with Mohinderance he learns from Spoon Collector that they've found Hot Body Wolverine and she can help cure the Shanti Virus. Mohinderance learns that the GODDAMN HRG MAN killed his mentor. He picks up a gun and agrees to help the Company kidnap a young nubile cheerleader. Sweel guy, really. Perhaps "Being an asshole" is his super power

And back with Shirtless Lad he's trying to go back in time when a shadowy figure enters. He blasts him with Thundershock Attack but the figure heals! It's Mighty Whitey and, SHOCK! HE'S Meaningful Name Monroe!

Roll credits.