P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

=P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S= Is a Forum-based Script Fic based on the background of Warhammer 40,000 (and its many plot holes) created by Warseer Forum member Lastie, affectionately refered to as the by his more devout fans. He has built up a rather large cult following on Warseer forum, referring to themselves as the '=L= Inquisition' or 'Linquisition' in a parody of the Imperial Inquisition.

Originally started as a humourous answer to a serious question by a completely unrelated poster ("Do the daemon Primarchs still hang out?"), the one-shot story lit a conflagration and soon the thread had to be moved because it was WAY off topic. Lastie went on to post over 200 chapters of the Primarchs' adventures over the course of 3 arcs, gathering a series of spin-offs as time went on, each with their own takes on the P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S altered universe. These included Chief L Rome's "Favoured Moments" and FarseerMatt's Eldar MST, which eventually had their own mini-story running in the background. Forum member BladeWolf even went so far as to write a complete homage fanfic.

The P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S story begins with the titular super soldiers getting together in a pub in the Eye of Terror, and bemoaning the fact that they never get coverage in the official Games Workshop background any more. Uniting under their father the Emperor, the disfunctional family resolve to strike back at the forces of Retcon that are ruining their grimdark universe, and to do this by defeating the gratuitously-shoehorned C'tan and putting them back in their place. Things get worse, however, when they discover that the C'tan have nothing less than a full-blown Genre Shift on their minds, and are planning to sell the 40K franchise to another company who want to Japanify it into something more marketable to kids (cue cameo by Aerith of Final Fantasy fame, among others). By a VERY circuitous route, and picking up many secondary characters along the way, the Primarchs eventually collect the Plot Coupons they need to access the laptop of GW fluff-writer Alan Merrett. A final battle with the C'tan to decide the future of the 40K franchise follows...

After the conclusion of the Retcon arc, the 18 canon Primarchs are reunited with their 2 missing siblings - Carl, who was too lazy to lead his space marine legion in the Great Crusade, and Hecate, who was forcibly removed due to fan rage at the concept of female space marines. But a new threat looms, for despite the grimdark of their universe being restored, the constant retconning of background has left the franchise rife with inconsistencies. An Eldritch Abomination known only as the Plot Hole is now invading - after chewing its way through other universes such as World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy, Star Wars and Harry Potter - and has an army of characters from these devoured franchises at its disposal. Martialing their own forces, the Primarchs meet the new enemy head on with all the subtlety you can expect from a team of God Mode Sues. Highlights include time travel, Alpharius privatising the Tau Empire, and Horus hitting the Death Star with a baseball bat (yes, that Death Star). But against an enemy that can rewrite the story to its own advantage, how can the Primarchs prevail? Why, with the Tome of Tropes of course. Against a creature that devours Canon (making Alan Merrett's laptop useless), it seems that Fanon is the best weapon. And so the stage is set for a grand multi-universe showdown between our heroes and the forces of the Plot Hole. Eventually, the Anthropomorphic Personification of bad writing is defeated, but the only way the Primarchs can salvage the mess left behind is to DELETE THE LAST 80 CHAPTERS OF THE STORY, much to the Narrator's chagrin.

But despite this Snap Back, this is not the end of the Primarchs' troubles, as evinced by a series of workers' strikes and by rebellion on Holy Terra itself. The Primarchs are baffled enough that worker's unions have even come to exist in their crapsack universe, but it turns out they have been inspired by the Lighter and Softer ideals of Lion'el Jonson's ex-girlfriend Aerith. There follows another series of extremely random adventures, during which Eldrad goes so far as to enlist the help of Canon Foreigners from other posters in Lastie's thread. It turns out that  This revelation culminates in (yet another) Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. The third arc ends on a massive cliffhanger with.

Shortly after this the original thread was closed due to the actions of an over-zealous mod, however a couple of folks on FF.net have begun re-posting Lastie's work, albeit without the forum-signature different colored text for Gods. Read the AWESOME and WIN here (complete, but single chapters) or here (incomplete, 10 chapters at a go).

Meanwhile, Lastie herself has not been idle and the P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S fourth arc is now underway here. In the absence of the Emperor and his Primarchs, Malcador and Eldrad have joined forces to turn the 40K universe into somewhere you might actually want to live, but a crisis develops when  merges with the Plot Hole and sets out to take control of the narrative. Luckily the Primarchs choose this moment to return (via a Hand Wave) and restore some Grimdark to the setting, but it seems that once again they cannot stay united in their cause...

"Horus: Yes ... I am Warmaster ... I was not made for peace ... I was not made for the world my father saw ... my world is in endless bloodshed ... my world is the crucible of war ... my world is the grim darkness of the far future ...
 * Affectionate Parody
 * Amazon Brigade: Hecate's Space Marine legion, The Hell's Fury Bunnies. They're not as amazonian as Hecate would like them to be.
 * Amusing Injuries
 * Anthropomorphic Personification
 * Ascended Fanboy: Arguably forum member FarseerMatt, who contributes a great deal of the so-called MSTs of the story and the fan-made content, usually to the sounds of Hilarity Ensues. Lastie took a character used by FarseerMatt and upgraded her to the Main Narrative, causing her to become "Canon" - she in fact played an integral part in the finale of the third arc.
 * Ascended Meme: AWESOME and WIN (caps optional) was the customary response to Lastie's posts. Lastie eventually started inserting the phrase into the story.
 * Ascend to A Higher Plane of Existence:  aka   aka
 * Author Existence Failure: Even Lastie herself is not safe from the power of the Emperor's REJECTION! Luckily
 * Author Avatar: The Narrator for Lastie herself.
 * Author Filibuster: Alpharius delivers one of these at the end the Plot Hole arc.
 * Awesomeness Is Volatile: The reason why Farseer Kyli and her ranger sidekick Fenix keep an eye on the story in their MST
 * Badass: Literally dozens of them trying to one-up each other throughout the story, but one deserves a special mention because his appearance prompted even Horus to raise an eyebrow -.
 * Badass Boast: In a rare serious moment of the series, Horus, having just awoken from his Journey to The Center of The Mind, delivers this:

I am Horus, Warmaster of Chaos. I bow to none but lords of war. Where my blade falls, death follows. Where my blade points; legions conquer. Dark has my dreams been of late, filled with moral values and family-friendly entertainment. No longer will this plague my domain! The grim darkness of the far future shall return, by my command!"

"Pete Haines: "You are not Iron Warriors. Prepare for the Nerfhammer!"
 * Basement Dweller: Carl
 * Big Bad: The Plot Hole from arc 2 onwards.
 * Brother-Sister Incest: One very weird scene involving Rogal Dorn and his Fanon sister, Hecate. Copped out by the fact that it was a Callidus Assassin in disguise, but...well...read Rogal's words yourself here
 * The Cameo: C S Goto "guest narrates" one chapter. Several other authors appear (in the style of Final Fantasy summonings) during the battle against the Nightbringer.

Dan Abnett: "I choose YOU as my shock death of the book!""

"Roboute Guiliman: I felt a great disturbance in the Force ... as if a thousand voices cried out in anger and were silenced by my awesome style."
 * Canon Dis Continuity: Technically, the entire second arc. Made so by the characters themselves.
 * Canon Immigrant: Farseer Kyli.
 * Catch Phrase: The Emperor: "Rejected!"
 * Chainmail Bikini: Hecate's armor somehow combines this with Power Armor. The Narrator advises us not to ask how that works.
 * Chekhov's Gun: All the time. For a Crack Fic, Lastie likes to use a lot of plot twists and Foreshadowing.
 * Colour-Coded for Your Convenience: Especially important characters such as the Emperor and the Chaos Gods get their lines in different-coloured text.
 * Crack Fic: And how!
 * Crossover: Most notably with World of Warcraft, but Final Fantasy, Starcraft and Warhammer also feature. Not to mention the dozens of universes that become involved in the Plot Hole arc.
 * Curb Stomp Battle: "I win. GG"
 * Deadpan Snarker: Almost everybody at some point or other.
 * Depraved Bisexual: Asdrubael Vect, to the point that being raped by him is considered a rite of passage in this universe.
 * Emo Teen: Mortarion. He even writes poetry.
 * Corax as well. He's even referred as "Emo boy mk II."
 * And Conrad Curze, though this is more apparent in his Night Haunter persona in the second arc.
 * Everyone Is Bi: The Eldar (or at least, the ones from Ulthwe), according to Vect. On the other hand, this is coming from the guy who thinks it's consensual if you shout "surprise!" beforehand.
 * Even the Guys Want Him: Subverted with Slaanesh, whom Even The Girls Want. And inverted with Vect, who is after everyone, regardless of gender, race, age, or anything else.
 * Shouldn't that be Anything That Moves?
 * Who said it had to move?
 * Executive Meddling: The original thread is currently "removed for investigation" due to alleged spam (however, the full script is still available from the links given above).
 * Failed a Spot Check: Lampshaded when the Primarchs have a "random encounter" with some daemons on their way to meet Abbadon.
 * Fanfic: Pretty much what this is.
 * Also there are Fan Fics of the Fan Fic.
 * That's just plain unholy.
 * A Fate Worse Than Death: Played for laughs in what various characters consider this to be. A common one is to have to read the Dawn of War omnibus.
 * Face Heel Turn: Of all people,
 * Also  in the Dawn of War arc.
 * And  (briefly) in the Retcon arc. His decision comes back to bite him in the arse in a decidedly squicky manner.
 * in the Lords of Canon arc - that is, if he counted as a good guy to begin with.
 * Face Heel Mole:  in the Plot Hole arc.
 * Genre Savvy: Sometimes dangerously so, sometimes wrong, and at least as often Too Dumb to Live.
 * Groin Attack: The first thing Hecate does to Horus when she's introduced. With a sword, no less. A lot of male pain is passed around.
 * Hannibal Lecture: The Lich King gives one to the, taunting him with how much his Imperium has strayed from his vision. Subverted when
 * Hostile Show Takeover
 * Hypocritical Humour: Duh.
 * I Know You Know I Know: Between Eldrad Ulthran and Conrad Curze/Night Haunter, culminating in
 * Insane Troll Logic
 * Instant Fanclub: The =L= ("Fail begets retribution!")
 * Interactive Narrator
 * Jive Turkey: Robute Guilleman.
 * The rest of his chapter happily follows suit.
 * Just As Planned
 * Large Ham: Often lampshaded by another character.
 * Lampshade Hanging: On an epic scale, and no small amount of Deconstruction as well.
 * Not surprising when one of the plot arcs revolves around the acquisition of "the Tome of Tropes".
 * Lemony Narrator: Lastie often snarks and argues with his characters.
 * Well, can you blame him when they constantly hijack the plot and delete his work?
 * Did you expect anything else from a bunch of self-confessed Black Hole Sues?
 * Loads and Loads of Characters
 * Master of Disguise: Alpharius again (see above spoiler). Taken to fourth-wall-breaking levels even from his first introduction, where he reveals himself by climbing down from the banner at the top of the webpage the story is typed on.
 * Medium Awareness: Most of the characters, including one very memorable battle against the Nightbringer where they throw dice at each other. At the end of that same battle, Tech-priest Fred even opens her hand to reveal a D6 showing a 1, announces she has failed her armour save, and keels over dead.
 * MST: Both FarseerMatt and Lord Crull provided light-hearted analysis of the story's more funny or ridiculous moments, although to prevent spamming of the main thread said MSTs have been moved to the Lastie's Brotherhood fan page.
 * My Significance Sense Is Tingling:

"Lorgar (to Horus): Sometimes I'm not sure when you're acting dumb, or when you want me to think you're acting dumb ..."
 * New Powers As the Plot Demands: Deliberately invoked by the Primarchs - as GW has never given them a "canon" statline/power level, they are free to make themselves as powerful as they like.
 * No Fourth Wall: Frequently played for laughs.
 * Obfuscating Stupidity: Played with:

"Asdrubael Vect: Rocking back and forth "Can't sleep, kittens will cuddle me...can't sleep, kittens will cuddle me...""
 * Old Master: Pie May.
 * Parental Issues: As in the normal WH40K, this runs rampant with the Primarchs. And Malekith.
 * Plot Coupons
 * Punny Name: Pie May ("As in Pie may kick your ass if you do not do as you are told!")
 * Also, Taldeer's full name - Taldeer Elphchik Phan'cervis
 * Rule of Cool: Invoked, lampshaded, and played for laughs by turning it Up to Eleven.
 * Rule of Funny: And how!
 * Samus Is a Girl: Lastie is a girl.
 * Screw the Rules, I Make Them: And when they're not invoking the above rules, they're usually making up their own.
 * Screw The Rules I Have Plot (Holes)
 * Script Fic: One of the few genuinely good ones.
 * Serious Business: Horus and Sanguinius' golf rivalry.
 * Shout Out: Far, far too many to list.
 * In a more recurring shout out, the captains of Vulcan's Salamanders chapter are called Captain Norris, Captain Bauer and Captain L Jackson.
 * Showy Invincible Hero: The Primarchs think they are this (and revel in it).
 * The Silent Bob: Jaghatai Khan and his chapter, the White Scars, usually communicate only through penetrative gaze. Conversations between them can be very...interesting.
 * The Slacker: Karl, one of the two missing Primarchs, is missing simply because he was too lazy to take part in the Great Crusade.
 * Small Name, Big Ego Big Name MONOLITHIC Ego: The Emperor, Eldrad, Horus ALL the Primarchs, and others. Played for Laughs of course.
 * Sorry I Left the BGM On: When Lion'el Jonson first appears, the others identify him by his theme tune
 * "Enjoy your duel of fates!" (a certain John Williams tune starts up)
 * Take That: Frequently. Against anyone and everyone.
 * Talking Is a Free Action: Lampshaded ("I don't want to fight you! You and I would have talked between blows like some crappy shonen anime! There would have been Character Development!")
 * Teeth Clenched Teamwork
 * Theme Naming: Ferrus Manus, the series' resident computer geek, names his flagship the Leet Haxxor.
 * RPGer Magnus' ship is the Natural Twenty
 * Alpharius, arch enemy of Robute and his Ultramarines, takes it one step further with the Up Yours Rob.
 * Horus has the Ultimate Badass, primarily so he can make an Incredibly Lame Pun.
 * Token Minority: Roboute Guiliman challenges Vulkan (the actual token black guy) for the title of the token black guy.
 * Too Dumb to Live: The Primarchs will frequently accuse each other of this (the speaker doing something similar down the line is, of course, a given).
 * Too Kinky to Torture: Slaanesh (of course).
 * Tropes Will Ruin Your Life: A number of in-jokes reference tropes by name, not to mention that aquiring the "Tome of Tropes" is a whole plot point in the 2nd arc. Happily, TV Tropes Will Also Save The Universe.
 * The Usual Adversaries: " **** ing C'tan!"
 * Warhammer 40 K: Pretty much Exactly What It Says On the Tin, with good deals of McGuffins, references to Discontinuity and heaped loads of Hilarity Ensues. A lot of the more sensitive parts of the background are Played for Laughs or just ignored for the sake of a good joke. The Author however does often use recurring jokes throughout the arcs, such as Rogal Dorn's feelings towards his sister Hecate, Vect's rampant sexuality, and the and Eldrad Ulthran being complete egotistical dicks.
 * Weaksauce Weakness: In the Dawn of War arc, the Primarchs, the ultimate badasses in the galaxy, are defeated by fluffy kittens that are too cute to fight back against.


 * Weapon of Choice: Frequently taking Refuge in Audacity, such as Angron's "bloodchucks" (nunchaku with BLOODTHIRSTERS tied to each end).
 * Lion'el Jonson combines both the Emo Teen and Final Fantasy sides of his personality in a BFS that screams "CRAAAAWLING IIIIIN MY SKIIIIN!" when he draws it.
 * Konrad Curze has a pair of lightning claws called the Wrist-slitters of Doom.
 * What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?: Practically a battlecry for Horus.
 * Writer Revolt: The first arc revolves around the Primarchs rebelling against the constant retcons of their universe's background (primarily, the constant shoe-horning involving the C'tan). The second involves fighting the Anthropomorphic Personification of the plot holes consuming their franchise. Unfortunately, despite  they   in the third arc.
 * You All Meet in An Inn: How the first arc starts.