Bob's Burgers/Quotes

Human Flesh [1.01]

 * Bob: Tina, you're on the grill.
 * Tina: My crotch is itchy.
 * Gene & Louise: Eww.
 * Bob: Ok. Are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?
 * Tina: Umm... As...
 * Bob: Because my grill cook would never tell me that.
 * Tina: [Downcast] Oh.
 * Bob: Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.
 * Tina: [Turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.




 * Louise: Hello and welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the "child molester"—it comes with candy.

Crawl Space [1.02]

 * Linda: No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.




 * Louise: I hope they're using protection because I am not taking care of that baby.




 * Gene: My grandparents are staying with us and they were both alive during Prohibition-so this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine.

Sacred Cow [1.03]

 * Randy: Little girl, do you think cows should be ground up for food?
 * Louise: Only if they commit adultery.




 * Tina: Frowny face? All I've been is super nice to you and this is the thanks I get? I loved you, I loved you like a horse, which is my favorite animal. You know what, let's just stop before we both say something we'll regret, like that horses are better than cows. I regret that, but it's true.

Sexy Dance Fighting [1.04]

 * Louise: So you're not going to get revenge today?
 * Bob: No, Louise, I'm not.
 * Louise: OK, got it. [Slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card... which I cut into a ninja star!
 * Bob: Oh, you cut my credit card?
 * Louise: Into a ninja star!

Hamburger Dinner Theater [1.05]

 * Louise: [rehearsing] Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
 * Tina: Are you talking to me?
 * Louise: [angry] I'M WARMING UP MY INSTRUMENT! Unbelievable !
 * Tina: Um, I'm sorr... UUUHHHH..
 * Louise: Hey, I'm sorry. It's pre-show nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.
 * [Tina moves to hug Louise]
 * Louise: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU DON'T HUG FOR LUCK IN THE THEATRE!
 * Tina: Aahh...
 * Louise: Sush, sush. I'm sorry baby. Sush, I didn't mean it baby. You know how I get before a big show, baby. You know how I get... GET OFFA ME! YOU'RE SMUDGING MY MAKE-UP!
 * Tina: Uuhh...
 * Louise: YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE WITH THIS MAKE-UP ALL SMUDGED, YOU CLUMSY OAF?
 * Tina: Uuhh...
 * Louise: Sorry, baby, come here...

Sheesh! Cab, Bob? [1.06]

 * Linda: She deserves a special party this year.
 * Louise: If what it says in her diary is true, then I say she needs it. A LOT.
 * Gene: It's true.
 * Bob: Wait, you read her diary?
 * Linda: Yeah.
 * Louise: What I can stomach.
 * Linda: I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.
 * Bob: Wha... what does it say?
 * Linda: It says "I'm not on drugs".

Bed & Breakfast [1.07]

 * Teddy: I love bed and breakfasts. They're so quaint.
 * Louise: Aren't they? Random strangers, shedding skin cells all over the house...




 * Louise: [as Linda drags her away] I'll see you, in hell Teddy! I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL!

Art Crawl [1.08]

 * [Bob gasps in horror at the paintings]
 * Bob: Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.
 * Linda: It's just a few days, Bobby.
 * Bob: Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!
 * Linda: Just think of them as cute little rumps.
 * Bob: Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!




 * Bob: Hey, kids.
 * Louise: Um, hey, Dad.
 * Bob: I had to get away from those anuses for a while.
 * Tina: You mean Mort and Teddy?
 * Bob: Um, no. Gail's paintings.




 * [Bob defiantly hangs up an "anus" painting. Edith gasps in shock]
 * Harold: BOB, YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF MY WIFE!




 * Gene: Is Dad going to jail?
 * Tina: I'll wave at you every day.
 * Louise: Word of advice: don't tell them what you're in for.
 * Gene: I hope our new dad is blonde.




 * Louise: I've been honest with these two ever since Gene got too fat.
 * Gene: I remember the ice-cream sandwich that did it too. I regret nothing!
 * Louise: And Tina, bad breath every day.
 * Tina: Not if you like fish.

Spaghetti Western and Meatballs [1.09]

 * Louise: Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.




 * Bob: Mr. Frond. He's a tall glass of... annoying.
 * Linda: That may be so, but you're gonna have to drink that glass, mister!

Burger Wars [1.10]

 * Linda: When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.




 * Jimmy Pesto: You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.
 * Bob: [furious] What did you say about my kids?
 * Linda: Hit him in his handsome groin!




 * Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, you may be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary!
 * Bob: I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.

Weekend at Mort's [1.11]

 * Hugo: This is big! You'll have to close. The whole building must be tented for 48 hours.
 * Bob: Great. There goes our weekend revenue.
 * Linda: Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!
 * Bob: I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...
 * Linda: Yeah. Ten years!
 * Bob: What? That can't be right.
 * Linda: Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.
 * Hugo: [sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!

Lobsterfest [1.12]

 * Louise: Our family doesn't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas.
 * Gene: Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.
 * Teddy: Or me at a lesbian bar. I went to a lesbian bar last night, Bob. It was like I was invisible.




 * Gene: Let's release the lobster from whence it came! The supermarket!




 * Tina: I already picked a corner for the bathroom. That one, where I went.

Torpedo [1.13]

 * Bob: Are you kidding? I wish I could afford urinal cake ads.
 * Linda: Ooh! All this talk about cake is making me hungry!


 * Bob: Gene, how could you forget the name of the restaurant? You're there literally every day!
 * Gene: I call you "Dad!" As far as I'm concerned, it's "Dad's Burgers!"

The Belchies [2.01]

 * Teddy: My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.
 * Bob: Your uncle Paddy...was a maid?
 * Teddy: All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.
 * Linda: Alright girls! Go girls!




 * Linda: [worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".
 * Bob: Ha, "duderuses."




 * Gene: I just can't get enough of the acoustics in this place! Here! What song is this? [bangs brick on wall]
 * Tina: Aqua Boogie, by P-funk?
 * Gene: Yes! Wow.

Bob Day Afternoon [2.02]

 * Louise: Action!
 * Bob: [practising] As you know,sir, we have several loans with your institutions, all "past due". But what does "past due" even mean, you know?
 * Gene: It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!
 * Linda: Gene was "past due", and he came out fine.
 * Gene: I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table].
 * Linda: Hey! Get outta there!
 * Gene: LEMME IN!
 * Linda: Gene! Bob!
 * Bob: Oh God.
 * Linda: [annoyed] This is your son.
 * Louise: Sorry Gene, no backsies.

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 * Tina: I will punch you.
 * Investigator: I will punch YOU!
 * Louise: Ooh! He will!

Synchronized Swimming [2.03]

 * Linda: I dreamed that I was breast feeding Gene again, but he had a long, white beard, like Santa Claus. It was really freaky.
 * Gene: That should be our next Christmas card.

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 * Coach: You know the rules. No hats on the gym.
 * Louise: I have a raging staph infection under here. You touch this hat and we all go down! You want to play dodge ball in the hospital?

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 * Louise: We have no PE for the rest of the year, my friends.
 * Gene: Yeah! Who needs it?
 * [Gene tries to open the door but can't]
 * Tina: Here, let me try.
 * [Tina opens the door easily]
 * Gene: Wow. I should exercise.

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 * Bob: Wow. Louise, You pulled a Caddyshack?
 * Louise: What's a Caddyshack?
 * Bob: You mean you didn't just throw a candy bar in the pool?
 * Louise: No.
 * Bob: Wow
 * Louise: Yeah.
 * Bob: That's impressive.

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 * Bob: Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?
 * Louise: Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.
 * Linda: Awwww. My little grandoody.

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 * Linda: You were right, Bob. I needed to let my baby birds fly. My bratty, little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings. Sometimes you gotta push 'em out the window.
 * Bob: Yeah.
 * Linda: You gotta just push 'em right out there and if they fall flat [slaps hands together] then that's them.

Burgerboss [2.04]

 * Linda: I had the video game company take your game away because I love you. It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies.

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 * Gene: [referring to the game music on Burgerboss] That's the song I wanna lose it to. Mm-mm-mm.

Food Truckin' [2.05]

 * Gene: It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows!
 * Tina: Werner Herzog?

Dr. Yap [2.06]

 * Linda: You're a hurtful slut, Bob!

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 * Prince of Persuasia: [listing tips for attracting women] Dress like her dad. It releases a hormone called moan-atonin.
 * When you get into an elevator with a woman, press a higher number than her and then make a big deal about it.
 * Push her in a lake.
 * Be one of the tallest guys in the bar and brag about how long your butt-crack is.
 * Sing a song that you supposedly heard on the radio, and make fun of her for not knowing it.
 * Use the word "idiot."
 * Never make her pancakes. Force her to make you pancakes, in the middle of the night.

Bad Tina [2.08]

 * Andy: Cool, Mom packed tampons for lunch!
 * Ollie: Oooh, share!

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 * Tammy: [to Tina] JUDGEMENTAL!

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 * Tammy: [pointing at Tina] You're a freak! [kids laugh, Tammy farts]
 * Louise: TAMMY FARTED!
 * Gene: Oh my God, my ears can smell it! [backs away pointing at Tammy] Laugh-fart, laugh-fart!
 * [Kids point and laugh]
 * Zeke: Tammy made a blammy! Ha ha ha, gross!
 * Tammy: No, it— I didn't do it, it wasn't my butt! [farts] That wasn't me! [farts, cries, and runs away] No, no, it wasn't me. Ow, ow! That one hurt.

Beefsquatch [2.09]

 * Linda: Bob, Gene look at yourselves, you’re father and son! You’re supposed to love each other, not kill each other; this isn't the Bible! This show has torn my family apart long enough! It ends now! Kids, cover your ears.

Ear-sy Rider [3.01]

 * Louise: What just frickin' happened?!

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 * Dr. Bush: What's your name?
 * Mudflap: Mudflap.
 * Dr. Bush: Oh, Mudflap, uh... that was my grandmother's name.
 * Mudflap: Really?
 * Dr. Bush: No. No, you're named after a dirty part of a truck.

Full Bars [3.02]

 * Gene: Where are we?
 * Louise: I think it's a country club.
 * Tina: It's like a huge miniature golf course!
 * Gene: The windmills are going to be enormous!

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 * Ticket seller: Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt.  Still can't stand the sight of eggs.  Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em.
 * Gene: What about a nice egg salad?
 * Ticket seller: No more egg talk!
 * Gene: Yes more egg talk!
 * Ticket seller: Ahh!
 * Gene: Eggs!

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 * Louise: Tina, come on.
 * Tina: But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.
 * [pained screaming is heard in the distance]
 * Gene: Do they, though?
 * Louise: Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?
 * Gene: Yeah. I can pee on myself. I don't need any handouts!
 * Tina: Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.
 * Gene: Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.
 * Louise: Augh, FINE! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!
 * Tina: That's fair.
 * [Louise slaps Gene across the face]

Bob Fires the Kids [3.03]

 * Tina: If you think about it any box could have vibrators in it.

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 * [Refrigerator groans]
 * Bob: Tina?

Mutiny On The Windbreaker [3.04]

 * Duval: My replacement. I hope you have a hairnet for your face and arms.
 * Bob: I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the Captain's table.
 * Duval: You remind me of me, back when I was the Captain's special guest chef for "just one night"... 56 voyages ago!
 * [dramatic tone plays]
 * Duval: Ah, there's the dinner rolls.
 * Bob: Why does your timer sound like that?
 * Duval: [angrily] It's French!
 * [dramatic tone plays]

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 * Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duvall, is that you in there?
 * Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.