The Andy Griffith Show/Quotes

Andy

 * "Call the man!" - Andy Taylor, after the freezer went out at home and Aunt Bee needed a place to keep her meat.


 * "You beat everything Barney, you know that?" Andy to Barney


 * "But aren't the trees nice and full?" Andy referring to the birds Opie has just let go. In 'Opie:The Birdman'.


 * "You look good enough to take to Chinatown!" (referring to Aunt Bee)

Barney Fife

 * Here at THE ROCK, we have two basic rules. The first rule is: OBEY ALL RULES. Secondly: Do not write on the walls, as takes a lot of work...to erase writing...OFF of walls. Now as we tell all men when these doors shut behind them, you are starting a new life.  If you are wise, you'll begin rehabilitation.


 * Jay walking is rampant!


 * Of course you smell gas. What do you think this car runs on, coal?


 * Deputy Barney Fife: Nip it! Nip it in the bud!


 * "You got to spend a quid and some bobs to get anything good these days." Barney talking with Andy and Malcom Merriwether in 'The Return of Malcom Merriwether'.


 * "Well, where there's smoke there's firewater." Barney to Andy in 'Aunt Bee's Medicine Man.'

Gomer/Goober

 * "Citizen's arr-ay-est!, citizen's arr-ay-est!, citizen's arr-ay-est!" -- Said by Gomer Pyle (actor Jim Nabors) to Barney Fife (actor Don Knotts) in the episode aptly titled "Citizen's Arrest."


 * "You're a boob, Gomer!" -- Barney Fife, in "Citizen's Arrest"


 * "Sha-zay-um!" -- Gomer Pyle (southern for "Shazam!")


 * "Go-o-lly!" -- Gomer Pyle


 * "Judy Judy Judy" -- Goober does his "Cary Grant" impression.

Other/Unsorted

 * Otis: [speaking of how his mouth feels] Shooby, shooby, shooby.


 * "Where's my plaque? Give me my plaque." -- Barney describing how Otis is going to arrive at the mayor's office to receive an award.


 * "Well, now, maybe I didn't see that there line because I wasn't wearing my specs. Drunk or sober, I can't tell much without my glasses!"


 * Ernest T. Bass: It's me, it's me. It's Ernest T.!!


 * Brisco Darling (referring to Ernest T. Bass) -- "We thought about killin' him... didn't want to go that far."


 * Emma Brand: To think I voted for you last election; never even considered nobody else! BAD, BAD SHERIFF! (upon her frustration of Andy refusing to help her get her pills)


 * NAUGHTY DEPUTY! (after Andy drops Barney's charges of arresting her for jaywalking)

Dialogue

 * Barney: Wanted posters came in, Andy.


 * Andy: Oh, good. File 'em, will you, Barn?


 * Barney: (reading posters) Let's see what we got here. "Henry 'Shopping Bag' Leonetti. Grand Larceny; $4,000 reward." "Max 'The Tongue' Rasmussen. Grand Theft Auto; reward $1,500." "Benjamin Schuster, alias Benjy Schus, alias Benny Schut. Forgery; reward $3,000." You know what this means, Andy?


 * Andy: What?


 * Barney: 8,500 American silver cartwheels right in our hands; only one small hitch.


 * Andy: We don't know where they are.


 * Barney: Right!

(from episode "Opie and the Spoiled Kid")


 * Andy: Well, no wonder it's quiet in town; the whole population's in here!
 * Barney: Yeah, like I promised you, Sheriff. Law and order kept in Mayberry this here day!
 * Andy: It must've been kept more this here day than all the other days put together!


 * Andy: Now it's true you had them all dead to rights by the book. But now if you went strictly by the book, why I don't reckon we'd have anything in this country but 180 million jailbirds.

(from episode "Andy Saves Barney's Morale" by Frank Tarloff writing as David Adler (1961))


 * Clarabelle Morrison: Oh, look; there's the Sheriff. Good.
 * Jennifer Morrison: Let's go in!
 * Clarabelle: Jennifer! You will be the death of me yet! How many times must I tell you?  A lady never goes into a barber shop!
 * Jennifer: I'm sorry, Clarabelle; I keep forgetting. It's just that the odor of witch hazel attrones me.
 * Clarabelle: Jennifer, you have got to control yourself!
 * Jennifer: But we've got to tell the Sheriff what we know.
 * Clarabelle: Well, we will. We'll wait outside for him.

(from episode "Alcohol and Old Lace")

Dialogue

 * Barney: "Lets you and me dance."
 * Maude (escaped convict): "What made you change your mind?"
 * Barney: "You're beginning to get to me."
 * Maude: "You're a treasure!" (laughs)