Cabin Pressure/Quotes

("Abu Dhabi") "Douglas: We could go to Bristol ... I believe people do."

"Douglas: I'm old enough to be your father. Martin: Not unless you started very young. Douglas: I did."

"Martin: I see. So if an engine catches on fire during takeoff, shrug shoulders, keep upper lip stiff, and press on for Portugal. Got it. Carolyn: All right, Biggles, you divert if something goes very, very seriously wrong. And I am talking "oh dear, surely we had two wings when we started?" wrong."

"Arthur: I'm just so excited about the trip! Carolyn: Arthur, you've been on hundreds of trips. Hasn't the novelty worn off a little? Arthur: No, never! It's just always exciting, that amazing moment when twelve tons of metal leaves the earth ... and no one knows why! Carolyn: Yes, we do. ... Carolyn: There are four forces at work on the plane and as long as two of them are bigger than the other two, the plane flies. Arthur: ... Mum, I don't mind that no one knows."

"Martin: You win again in the game of 'Referencing Fictional Captains I've Never Heard Of'! But you know, that's because instead of reading The Adventures of Captain Perkins in my punt at Eton College, Oxford I was re-reading Principles of Climatology for Pilots and underlining bits in red, all right?!"

(on aerodynamics and why planes can fly upside-down) "Arthur: But doesn't that mean the lift is pushing down, as well as the weight? How does that work? Martin: Yes, Douglas. How does that work? Douglas: (at a loss, to change the subject) Well, Arthur, there's a very simple explanation. But just to finish what we were saying, Martin, I think it's entirely up to you whether you let the cat in the hold freeze to death. Arthur: What?! Skipper! Martin: Douglas! Douglas: No one wants to hear the explanation, what a shame."

(on who forgot to turn on the storage heater in the hold) "Martin: It seems the cargo hold heating may not have been turned on. Douglas: Masterly use of the passive voice."

(Martin, driving a baggage carrier, has wedged it under a low bridge in the Spanish plains.) "Arthur: I think that man wants to get through ... It's just, because you weren't doing anything, I thought you hadn't seen. Um. I still don't really know what we're waiting for. Martin: I'm waiting -- I'm waiting for Douglas to say something sarcastic and then sort it out. Arthur: Ah, right. Of course, Douglas isn't here, skip. Martin: I know that! Arthur: I mean, I can try and fill in, but I don't know how good I'll be. (as Douglas) I'm glad we're stuck under this bridge. That's a good thing. Martin: Stop it, you're not helping!"

(during a training seminar designed to help first officers who might be "overly in awe" of their captains) "Dr. Duncan: The method I want to teach you is the 'five-step statement'. So, Douglas, imagine that you've noticed a problem, but you're shy of bringing it up with your captain. Step one -- Douglas: Hang on. Dr. Duncan: Yes? Douglas: No, it's just this is going to need really quite a lot of imagination. Okay, got it. Dr. Duncan: Okay. Step one -- Douglas: No, it's gone again."

(a full 'five-step statement') "Dr. Duncan: Step one: Get his attention. 'Hey, chief?' Step two: state your concern in a non-confrontational manner. ... 'I might be wrong but I think we're low on fuel.' Step three: let him know how you feel about this. 'This makes me feel uneasy.' Step four: propose a solution. 'One thing we could do is reduce our speed.' Step five: Obtain buy-in to your idea. 'How does that sound to you?' Douglas: Well, frankly, it sounds like the biggest load of -- Dr. Duncan: No, no, that's what you might say. 'How does that sound to you?' So, do you want to role-play that through now, Douglas? Douglas: I would love to. Hey, chief. I might be wrong but I think we're flying into a mountain. This makes me feel scared of the mountain. One thing we could do is pull up and fly over the mountain. How does that sound to -- POW!"

(later) "Douglas: (clears throat) Hey, chief. Carolyn: What? Douglas: I might be wrong -- hahaha, I really must learn to say that with a straight face. I might be wrong, but I think Arthur is about to lose us all our jobs. Carolyn: This is not -- Douglas: Hang on, I'm only on step two. This makes me feel ... unemployed."

The episode "Limerick", with the crew trying to one-up each other making limericks. "Douglas: Ladies and gentlemen, we're just flying over Gloucestershire now. You may be able to make out a town below, though it's quite hard to identify through the cloud cover. Or, as they say in Limerick ... We hope you're enjoying the flight On your left, we're just coming in sight Of Swindon or Stroud, all covered in cloud And it's much the same thing on the right."

"Carolyn: Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has now illuminated the seat belt sign, so please ensure your baggage and duty-free are safely stowed, your tray tables are folded away, and your seat is returned to the upright position. Or, as they say in Limerick ... The captain has turned on the signs So stow away bags of all kinds Then make sure your tray is folded away And your seatback no longer reclines."

(during maneuvers) "Martin: I'm sure it's going to be fine... Douglas: Excellent, I'm also sure it's going to be fine. Martin: The thing is, though, I'm not sure it's going to be fine. Douglas: What an exquisite paradox."

(a tricky landing) "Douglas: Hello, Carolyn, this is the pointy end. Just to let you know, I'll be landing today without number one hydro. Carolyn: What? Why? Douglas: Oh, I don't know. Just to see if I can."

("Johannesburg") "Douglas: He can't possibly fix it -- Martin: Certainly he can. A man who can imitate a Spanish squirrel helping forty-eight men mow a meadow is capable of anything."

("Fitton") "Martin: Well, we can sit in the plane, or we can sit in the rain. Douglas: Can't we sit in the car, or sit in a bar? Martin: Douglas. Douglas: Sorry, I thought we were staging an impromptu tribute to Dr. Seuss."

"Douglas: Well, there's always weddings. I met all three of my wives at weddings. Martin: Really? Douglas: Of course. The third one, I met at my wedding. Which was ... a trifle awkward."

("St Petersburg") "Carolyn: Hello Gordon, how necessary to see you."

"Carolyn: Everything all right Gordon? Gordon: My hands! What the hell have you done? Carolyn: Oh dear that does look nasty, Douglas! Could you come in here a minute? (flight deck door opens) Douglas: Certainly Carolyn, what can I do for you! Oh hello Gordon! Look at you there, sitting in someone else’s aircraft with your hands on the control column, for all the world like you were about to steal it. I might get a picture of that! (camera clicks) And another, don’t take your hands away!"

"Carolyn: GET OFF MY JET NOW!"

"Carolyn: Aren’t you interested in how all that happened? Arthur: Did Douglas do something clever and now everything’s fine? Douglas: Yes. Arthur: There you are then! Exactly what I said all along. I wish you lot would listen to me sometimes!"