Heroes (TV series)/Recap/S03/E01 The Second Coming

Heroes Recap: Brought you by Sylar-O's the cereal that stays psychotic, even in milk!

It's here. Season 3. Villains. The season that promised so much and delivered so little. But let's not think about that righ now as the Recap of Episode 1 begins.

This episode filmed in Shymalan-O-Vision

Our story begins, as most stories do in yet another sinister future. Not the explosion future, or the virus future. Nope, a THIRD one. Future Peter, who I'm going to be calling Shirtless Lad 2.0 in this and all future recaps I do, arrives in a sinister looking building only to be confronted by Claire. Or rather Future Claire, who I will be calling Ms Fanservice.

Shirtless Lad 2.0 provides some exposition here about how terrible their future is. And apparently it's all because Nathan revealed he could fly. Ms Fanservice proceeds to make thousands of Paire shippers happy when she tells Shirtless Lad 2.0 she's "Always loved" him. Now she could have meant the love between uncle and niece but let's be honest here...she means hot, sweaty Wanda/Pietro incest love on an EPIC SCALE. We all know it's true.

Shirtless Lad 2.0 proves far smarter than his present day version by actually using his powers in a useful and clever way by stopping time and teleporting away when Ms Fanservice tries to shoot him. He arrives in the present day where Nathan, who I'm calling Frying Man because it's the perfect nickname, is giving his speech.

And as we reach that fateful scene, Shirtless Lad 2.0 shoots Nathan. HE'S the gunmen from the season 2 finale! WHAT A TWIST!

After the opening Shirtless Lad and Matt "Deputy Dog" Parkman chase after Shirtless Lad 2.0. Who ducks into another room leaving Shirtless Lad to catch up with him. When Deputy Dog and the other cops arrive Shirtless Lad 2.0 is standing there, having taken his present incarnations place. But the audience doesn't know that yet.

In Costa Verde modern day Claire, who I'll name Hot Body Wolverine is watching the news and calls Shirtless Lad to check on Frying Man. She wants to use her healing blood to help him but Shirtless Lad says to stay put. On first viewing this looks like the crowning moment of Shirtless Lad's utter stupidity but it's actually his future self trying to stop Frying Man from being revived. Hot Body Wolverine, used to Shirtless Lad being a total moron, doesn't see anything strange about it of course.

The doctors at the hospital work on Frying Man for all of five minutes before pronouncing him dead. Now either no one at the hospital likes Nathan all that much, this was in "Tv Time" and they actually took longer than we saw or their just the worst doctors ever. Either way the guy who claims he "Did all he could" looks about as convincing as Dr Iwata of Excel Saga fame. Worst. HMO. EVER.

But as Shirtless Lad 2.0 leans over Frying Man's body, hot and lurid fantasies no doubt playing in his mind...Frying Man comes back to life! WHAT A TWIST!

At Yamagato Hiro, or Time Lord as I like to think of him, is chatting with his Ethnic Robin Ando. For some reason he's in charge of Yamagato now, even though his sister is far more suited to the task. But what are you expecting from Heroes, decent treatment of a female character?

Time Lord is upset about being stuck in a boring job and, in a moment of dangerous genre blindness, says that destiny won't just come knocking at his door. At which point someone knocks on the door, with a message from his father about his destiny. Oh the irony! The contrived, ham fisted IRONY!

At Costa Verde Hotbody Wolverine is packing to head out, apparently unaware you can't walk from Costa Verde to New York in any reasonable amount of time. But when she opens the door who should she find but...SYLAR! WHAT A TWIST! (By the way, Sylar is too awesome to have a mocking nickname. Far too awesome)

Hot Body Wolverine shows her first signs of evolving into a bad ass by calmly taking down Sylar while he delivers a monolouge, smashing his head with a trophy. She tries to run but he telikinetically seals her in as the Heroes production of "When a stranger calls" begins. Hot Body Wolverine gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. Sylar doesn't like that. NOT. ONE. BIT Hot Body Wolverine proceeds to slash him up (You GO girl! Plus three bad ass points) before fleeing. But she soon finds herself locked in with Sylar.

At Mohidiots appartment (Decided to go with something other than Mohinderance. Too overused) Ethnic Scrappy Maya is standing, poised with a cricket bat. Mohidiot enters and she beats him up, as fans the world over cheer her on. She offers the lame excuse that she thought Mohidiot was Sylar which is obviously a lie. Ignoring the fact that Sylar is a tall white guy in dark clothes with straight short hair and Mohidiot is a short Indian guy in beige clothes and long curly hair, it's just nonsense. Why would Sylar have an appartment key for one thing!? No clearly Ethnic Scrappy hates Mohidiot, as so many do and wants to have a go at him with a baseball bat. I'd cheer her on but I think it's a hate crime.

Mohidiot mentions that he's dropped Molly, the GPS Loli off with someone where she'll "Be safe". I don't like to be the bearer of doom but given Mohidiot's general track record when it comes to being a good judge of character I'm guessing he's left GPS Loli with either Gary Glitter (Too soon?) or a special with the super power of EATING CHILDREN.

Ethnic Scrappy wants Mohidiot to take her powers away but Mohidiot isn't interested. He says he's going back to India because his research isn't going anywhere, having apparently forgotten a vastly powerful Company has offered to help him. Jeez, did he develop amnesia during the writers stri...I mean, in the last few hours? Because that's how much time has passed in the Heroes world. Yes.

Ignoring the fact that this is just a retread of the Season 1 plot (Mohidiot is too stupid to make his research go anywhere so runs home) Ethnic Scrappy is pissed that he's leaving her to suffer with her power. Her power to MURDER. Her MURDER POWER activates and when she calms down it stops. This somehow gives Mohidiot some bright new idea, claiming that specials power comes from adrenaline. This is, of course, completely wrong as specials have been shown to be able to use their powers whenever they want, not just when producing copious amounts of adrenaline. So while all Mohidiot's bollocks about "Fight or flight" is about as real as Pamela Andersons breasts, it gives him the idea to take a sample of Ethnic Scrappy's blood.

Back with Time Lord and Ethnic Robin, he watches the DVD featuring a prerecorded message from his father, Mr Sulu. He spouts some cryptic exposition that confuses rather than educates and warns Time Lord never to open the office safe. So Time Lord immediately opens the office safe. He's inherited the Idiot Ball from Shirtless Lad. There's an amusing moment where Mr Sulu reprimands his son about opening the safe, showing that while he may not know how to survive several story falls, he knows how his son will act. He mentions someone with the "Light" to counteract the "Darkness" which had this troper wondering if they were doing a Kingdom Hearts crossover this season. But someone steals the formula: Sexchange Quicksilver, Time Lord's "Nemesis". She's immune to Time Lord's powers due to her speed! WHAT A TWIST! She proceeds to knock Time Lord on his ass and speed of with the mysterious plot devi...FORMULA. I meant Formula.

Meanwhile Shirtless Lad 2.0 is back in the closet...the closet where he stashed the gun of course. Deputy Dog finds him and tries to read his mind, only for Shirtless Lad 2.0 to reveal himself. Not that way. He then proceeds to teleport Matt into a vast desert far from any human civilisation. WHAT A TWIST!

Frying Man awakens in his hospital room and heads out to church where he claims that he's seen God. This is an example of a pointless plot thread. He rambles on some nonsense about God's message, none of which will ever have any importance in the show and just makes him sound like he's delivering one of Mohidiots awful opening monolouges.

With Mohidiot he's examning the sample he took from Ethnic Scrappy, who as always looks on the verge of tears. But then her whole super power is crying so it's not all that surprising. (Seriously, they give one of their few major female characters the power of...crying like a bitch. WOW. Just WOW) Mohidiot tells Ethnic Scrappy how special she must feel having powers in a stunningly tactless moment. Yes, she must feel so special to have been made a pariah, to have unwittingly murdered hundreds and to have been forced to flee for her life across dangerous territory. Suresh you're an idiot. Mohidiot, apparently forgetting the whole point of this was to take AWAY powers gleefully declares he can now give them to people. WHAT A TWIST!

Hot Body Wolverine is still hiding as Sylar monolouges about how he's going to go after the specials on level five at The Company, after he takes Hot Body Wolverine's power. However she manges to get the drop on him, stabbing him violently. He pins her to the wall though and proceeds to open up her skull. But it doesn't kill her. We learn Sylar doesn't eat the brain but rather...studies it, examning it until he finds the part that controls the powers. Despite suffering a bad knife wound Sylar is still able to rant and ramble away, while performing brain surgery. Which is just one of oh so many plot problems this season. Hot Body Wolverine, perhaps desperate to get out of what's to come, asks Sylar if he's going to kill her. But he reveals that it's actually impossible to kill her, making the whole "Save the Cheerleader" thing pointless in retrospect. WHAT A TWIST!

Back with Mohidiot Ehtnic Scrappy returns to tell him to destroy the sample. She tells him that it's like he said it's "Against the laws of nature". In actual fact Mohidiot NEVER said this so she's just making shit up at this point. He rightly ignores her bullshit as she goes on to call what's in the syringe "Evil". It would be nice if there were more characters on the show who acknowledgded how goddamn cool super powers are.

With Frying Man and Shirtless Lad 2.0 Frying Man continues his mad pseudo religious babble, saying that people with powers could be "Angels". HAHAHA. NO. No, Frying Man, just no. You're part of evolution. It's the whole plot of the show? Anyway Shirtless Lad 2.0 confirms that Frying Man isn't going to reveal the existence of specials to the world and leaves...only for someone else to enter. LINDERMAN! He's alive! WHAT A TWIST!

In New York Senator Robert Malden is watching Frying Man on TV and thinks that he could be perfect for what he needs. He calls into another room and a woman named "Tracy" enters...and she looks JUST LIKE NIKKI! WHAT A TWIST!

Back with Time Lord and his Ethnic Robin are arguing about him going back in time to stop the theft of the formula. Time Lord refuses to do so, given the last time he did this he turned a normal guy into an omnicidal maniac. But this is Heroes where no one ever learns from there miste only smart decision anyone makes is "I'll have the Waffles". So Time Ld teleports to future here he sees himse and Ethnc Robin bitchi at one another. Tore things change, the me tay the me. Apprently inhfuture Ethnic Robin wil finally have enough Time Lod treatin him like crap as he TOTALY MURERS HIM. WHAT A TWIST!

Back with Mohidiot apparently taking over Isaac's loft has given him some of Isaac's personality as he procceeds to shoot up in a crime filled part of the city. But his magical plot device forumla gives him super powers and when two muggers try to mug him he goes all "I'm Rick James BITCH" and beats them like K-Fed beats Britney (Allegedly)

We then get another fucking monologue from M Ohidiot but this time it's...a poem. A pretty good one too. And we also get a title drop for "The second coming" ad a montage of images of Sylar striding around and the rest of the cast not doing very much.

So, Yeah