Of Warlords and Pleasures

"There was uproar from the staff. “Well, I don't know where this person learned biology, but last I checked mice don't-” “-my brother of all creatures-” “-at least you only ended up with one sibling-” “-at least you don't have any offspring-” “-at least yours was physically possible-” “-thinks I wouldn't save a child, did they somehow miss me saving Felch when I don't even like him much-” “-can't even keep my species straight-” “-dizguzting fluffy warm-blooded thingz, they're only good for food-” “-tried to get me pregnant, then make me cry, I don't know which is worse-” “-damage the merchandise like that, Malkariss would have my hide-” “-four thousand times-” “-right on the bloody walltop!”"

- The Official Fanfiction University of Redwall, when the canon characters learn of this.

You got Brain Bleach? Yes? Okay, here goes. Of Warlords and Pleasures is a notorious series of smutfics about the Big Bads of various Redwall novels. In chronological order:


 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Tsarmina Greeneyes: Tsarmina has sex with her brother Gingivere.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Swartt Sixclaw: Swartt and Bluefen.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Gabool the Wild: Gabool makes Mariel his sex slave.
 * Among the Roses: Mariel talks Dandin into giving her healing sex.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Urgan Nagru the Foxwolf: Urgan's relationship with Silvamord (who now has serious Gag Boobs) suddenly improves to the point where they are willing to have sex. Then they have sex with random horderats.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Ferahgo The Assassin: Ferahgo and Klitch have sex while all four-to-five thousand Corpsemakers rape Mara and Pikkle.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Cluny The Scourge: Cluny does horrible things to Redtooth, and this turns Matthias and Cornflower on so much they get it on on the walltop. Also known as The Cluny Fic.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Slagar the Cruel: Slagar gets the children to have sex.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Ublaz Mad Eyes: Ublaz hypnotizes Grath Longfletch into sleeping with him. Then the Monitors rape her.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Damug Warfang: Warfang castrates an advisor, Sneezewort and Lousewort get reversed, and Cregga has sex with a Marty Stu named Bladestripe.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Queen Silth's Brood, the Marlfoxes: Five of the Marlfoxes get it on with each other. Mokkan does a random Mary Sue.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Sawney Rath: Sawney molests his uncanonical daughter (Enfante Terrible Molly Rath). Meanwhile, Tagg tries to get a Mary Sue pregnant with the next Taggerung.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Princess Kurda: Squirrels, Swords, and Snatches: Kurda Really Gets Around and has sex with Triss and a guard at the same time.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Princess Kurda: Plugg Firetail rapes Kurda -- but Rape Is Love to Kurda.
 * Of Warlords and Pleasures: Gulo the Savage: Gulo rapes Armel and Brooky.

The Protectors of the Plot Continuum had a field day with this series.


 * Anatomically-Impossible Sex
 * Ass Shove (Poor, poor Redtooth.)
 * Brother-Sister Incest
 * Crowning Moment of Funny ("Dandin licked slowly deeper, not surprised at the cleanliness of Mariel's anus, for she was the cleanest, most pure mousemaid he had ever known, both in body and spirit." Yes, this was supposed to be serious.)
 * Extreme Doormat (Mariel has suddenly lost all her fighting ability, and Tengara hands over her daughter to a known rapist with not even a token protest.)
 * For the Evulz/Motive Decay (Sawney's motives do a complete 180 mid-fic for no apparent reason other than inconveniencing Tagg.)
 * Gorn
 * High Octane Nightmare Fuel (If the content doesn't scare you, the fact that the author claimed to be a veterinary student will. To be fair, it's very likely she knew that at least some of the biology was inaccurate and was Playing to The Fetishes, but ...)
 * How Do I Used Tense (Raketooth.)
 * Interspecies Random Fucking
 * Making Love in All the Wrong Places (Matthias and Cornflower on the walltop of a besieged building, pretty much the one place where everyone in the building would be guaranteed to see them.)
 * Mary Sue
 * Narm (The poetry. Dear God, the poetry.)
 * Parental Incest
 * Rape as Drama
 * Rape Is Love
 * Small Name, Big Ego: Possibly the first fanwriter to declare that the creator of their preferred canon got his own name wrong.
 * So Bad It's Good (Varies throughout. Some of it's actually not too bad, other parts are pretty funny, and some of it's nightmarish.)
 * Squick
 * Stealth Pun (One cruel person pointed out the possible alternate title of the story where Grath Longfletch is repeatedly violated:
 * The Scottish Trope (Some sections of the fandom (particularly the aforementioned PPC) refer to it darkly as "That Series", italicisation of "That" optional.)
 * What Happened to the Mouse? (Literal case; everyone in the Abbey apparently vanishes into thin air.)
 * The Woobie (Redtooth gets a spear jammed an unfeasible distance into his rectum. Lugworm gets neutered for no apparent reason. Both of them get raped repeatedly. Neither of them get to actually do anything except spend their entire respective stories being in extreme pain. Factor in the fact that Lugworm is an Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain in canon, and both of 'em need a hug after all that.)
 * You Fail Biology Forever (How did Redtooth and Pikkle not die after what happened to them?)
 * You Fail Logic Forever (How did the author not know that, if you are standing on the outer battlements of a besieged building, people in the grounds can see you? Why does she think it's okay to misspell the name of the author of the canon you're using just because you think it looks prettier?)