King of the Hill/Funny

"Hank: No, I don't know anything about gnomes. I AM NOT A DORK!"
 * Dale, you giblet head! We live in Texas. It's already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter I'm gonna kick your ass!
 * When Peggy gets obsessed with lawn gnomes and Hank breaks one, he tries to replace it by going to a store that specializes in them and buying one. As he has been bombarded with the highly detailed world of lawn gnome collecting, he is deeply uncomfortable with being in the store. When he selects the last statue of a rare gnome model, the other customer who wants it accuses Hank of not knowing anything about lawn gnomes.

"Dale: "There were only five of those left in the world. [Beat] Welp, four now!""
 * From the first season, after Bobby accidentally kills an endangered whooping crane:

"Minh: (pulls out a handgun) Name a target, I guarantee I nail it."
 * In one episode, Minh joins Dale's gun club in order to train for a skeet-shooting contest. After she feels she is ready, she quits the club and mocks them for thinking she was their friend. Dale angrily launches her plaque into the air and opens fire on it... only to miss every shot. He and the rest of the club try it again and release their full salvo of bullets... and they still miss.
 * Earlier in the episode, when she's trying to get on the skeet team, and is talking to the lady in charge. Keep in mind, they're in the middle of a fancy country club.

"Willie: Hey, you look familiar. Aren't you the kid who rakes my lawn?
 * Another first season exchange from "Hank's Got The Willies", where Bobby tries to sort things out with Willie Nelson after he hit him in the head while golfing.

Bobby: No sir, I'm the one who hit you in the head.

Willie: With a rake?

Bobby: With a golf club.

Willie: You've been raking my lawn with a golf club? I want my quarter back."

"Hank (answering the phone): Hello?
 * Hank and his friends try to straighten out a trailer home that's been turned on its side. In the first attempt, they hook it up to the winch, but accidentally reel the truck to the hook, with Hank's truck ending up on the now completely upside down trailer. Next, they put a few planks so that the truck can drive straight off. It works, thus flipping the trailer over. But while Boomhauer is giving a thumbs-up from the cab of the truck, he crashes into another trailer, which promptly rolls over. The four guys get up and drive away.
 * VAAAAAAAAAGINA!!!
 * From that same episode:

Harsh Voice: You don't know who I am, but if you know what's good for you...

Hank: Dale?

Dale: Oh, hi Hank. Is Peggy there?

Hank: Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.

Peggy: Yello, Dale.

Dale (harsh voice): You don't know who I am..."

"Cotton: Well of course you're a better father than me, Hank. You raised Bobby! All I raised was you!"
 * Dale: Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me.
 * "That's a clean burning hell, I tell you what."
 * Cotton has a pretty good one when he admits to Hank that Hank is a better father than he was. Could be considered a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming if it weren't quite possibly the greatest example of a backhanded compliment ever seen.

"Hank: So, Gilbert, how do the Saints look this year?
 * "[Bobby] looks like the kid on the paint can!"
 * Attempting to keep Bill's dandified cousin Gilbert from influencing Bobby, Hank volunteers to sit next to him at dinner, with the excuse that they can discuss sports. This leads to the following exchange:

Gilbert: Oh, I am more familiar with sinners than saints, my dear. And sinners always look good."

"Ma: Now I know why they call you "pa", cause you're "pa"-thetic!
 * While visiting the Dallas Cowboys training camp, Hank and Bobby check out the Strickland Propane Wichita Falls branch. The guys working there are jackasses who hate Texas, and start singing the Oklahoma Sooners' fight song while Hank tries to plug his ears and drown them out with the Cowboys' song.
 * The owner of a mom n' pop convenience store lets Hank go without paying the change on a sale. Cue this gem of an exchange:

Pa: And I know why they call you "ma", cause you're always riding "ma" ass!"

"Bill: (in a high voice) Why do you keep calling me (voice suddenly lowers) Bill? (voice goes up again) My name is Lenore."
 * During a Christmas Episode, after Bill fails an attempt at suicide and Hank tries to convince him that Lenore will never come back by crushing the presents Bill had for her, Bill loses his sanity and starts to crossdress as Lenore, leading to one of the best quotes in the series:

"Hank: This is my new neighbor.
 * The ending of the episode with the emu.
 * Cotton Hill's introduction to Kahn Souphanousinphone:

Dale: He's Japanese.

Cotton: [after a second] No he ain't. He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?

[Kahn, who tried telling his new neighbors he was from Laos when he met them, looks plainly shocked]"

""I am the Mac Daddy of Heimlich Country! I play straight up, yo!""
 * I bit a Nazi's windpipe in half!!!
 * Hank kicking ass. Really nice to know that kicking somebody's ass is more than just an empty threat or a catchphrase with Hank.
 * Hank Hill at the end of "Ho Yeah!" Could also count as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.

"Bill: I wish I had a son to kick me in the testicles...
 * Please note that while he was doing this he was wearing a pimp hat, driving a Cadillac car (which he got from Cotton while he went to a swap meet), and had both Peggy and a houseguest in the backseat while they both were dressed like hookers (one of which was actually a Hooker, try to guess which one) And the person he was chewing out was a Pimp from OKC. Immediately after this, Dale begged Hank not to "turn him out" claiming he is "no good" and to ask his wife to verify this.
 * The pimp was voiced by Snoop, too!
 * After Bobby kicks Hank in the groin:
 * "YOU HAVE BEEN KICKED IN THE TESTICLES."

Dale kicks him square in the junk

Dale: Be Careful What You Wish For!"

"Peggy: Nice try, Bobby, but I think you'll find that I have no testicles.
 * Same episode:

Kahn: SHE BLUFFING! FINISH HER!"

"Peggy: "
 * Peggy, on trial for kidnapping in Mexico, butchering the Spanish language in her defense:

"Peggy: He's gone.
 * Making that a Bilingual Bonus is that many of those are common "false friends" that trip up poor Spanish speakers. Embarrassed/Pregnant and Years/Anuses are very easy to mistake.
 * Cotton, during the episode where he dies, managed to fake it at least twice beforehand. When he finally dies for real:

Hank: (Beat) Are you sure?"

"Kahn: Why he point at his crotch like that?
 * Dale's Falcon.
 * "They put salmon in the fish tacos!"
 * (Upon learning that Bobby, Connie, and Joseph are home alone.) Joseph: "WE SHOULD PEE IN PLACES WHERE PEE SHOULDN'T GO!"
 * Kahn and Minh are listening in on the Hills in "The Incredible Hank".

Hank: You want me to put a patch on my what?!

Kahn: Okay, this is going in a weird direction."

"Dale: Hey, tell you what, the dang ol' detector, man. Talkin' about government take away freedom of smoke, man. Tell you what, dang ol' yo, man.
 * Also from that episode, Hank completely unravels Dale's crazy theory involving clones and Mongols, leaving this troper to wonder how Hank manages to remember all that nonsense.
 * The entirety of the episode "A Firefighting We Will Go." The funniest moment most likely when all four of the guys fall into Chet's grave. While pantsing the man's corpse.
 * Another part is where Boomhauer has to tell his version of a story that involves himself, Dale, Bill and Hank, with the other three all speaking like Boomhauer....while Boomhauer actually speaks normally and is understandable!

Hank: Hey, man, I'll tell you what, man that dang ol' boy ain't right, man. Talkin' 'bout gonna kick that dang ol' ass, man.

Boomhauer: For God's sake, Hank. Act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I'm trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros and I've been on the same dang page for 20 minutes.

Bill: Dang ol', pretty pretty pizza, I'll tell you what."

"Bill: (after engine won't start) You're flooding it!"
 * The end of "Its Not Easy Being Green" when Boomhauer forces Bill and Dale to drive back his Mustang after its been at the bottom of the quarry for 20 years.

"Peggy: Oh my god, we forgot his birthday!"
 * All of the scenes at The Arlen Barn in "Uncool Customer".
 * Washington. Hitler. Washington. Hitler.
 * I call this "Industrial Penis #5".
 * "But...Boomhauer's got a bad leg..."
 * Every time Dale closes his eyes, he sees strange characters chasing colorful geometric shapes in a dark infinite limbo. He has stopped closing his eyes.
 * One episode, Peggy mentions to Hank that Nancy only sleeps with Dale on Christmas and his birthday. Later in the episode, after she ends up telling Peggy that she slept with Dale after a date...

"Luanne: Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!
 * "The Wedding of Bobby Hill" had two CMOFs, the first being when Bobby (who had recently switched Luanne's birth control pills with candy in their escallating prank war) exclaimed to Hank in horror, "Dad! I've gotten Luanne pregnant!" (she wasn't, though) and then when Hank decides to teach Bobby and Luanne a lesson about pranking tells Bobby that he now has to marry Luanne, and sets up a fake wedding in the backyard. Kahn sees this from his side of the fence and says ever so merrily, "Mihn, it's finally happened! Hillbilly neighbor marry trailer trash cousin! You owe me five dollars! In your face!"

Hank (offscreen): Now Bobby, you stop that!"

"Luanne: Nuh-uh, Uncle Hank, you could go to hell. See, Judy Harper says that haunted houses are the Devil's mousetrap, and fun is the cheese.
 * The pilot. The first time you see Joseph.
 * After one of Dale's ramblings Hank says "Did you mean to put all those words in that order or did they just fall out like that?"
 * "THAT'S MAH PURSE! I DON'T KNOW YOU!"
 * In one episode, Luanne becomes convinced that Halloween is satanic and this ensues (after Harper stops Hank from having a haunted house at school and Peggy suggests they do a garage haunted house):

Hank: Luanne, just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talkin'!"

"Bobby: What were you eating under there?
 * "I knew the risks when I put on the uniform."
 * "Check it out man, don't need no dang ol' costume, man. Hadda put onna dang ol' mime, man. Looksit like I'm tryin' get outta this dang ol' box, man. See- WHOA! Gonn' play tugga war, man."
 * "I'm not a chick, I'm a dude!" *WHAM!!*
 * "Pocket sand!"
 * The end of "Texas City Twister", with Hank vs. the tornado.
 * The end of an episode where Bobby, Connie, and Joseph were lost in a cave.

Joseph: Under where?

Bobby: (singsong) You were eating underwear!"

"Hank: (after being confronted by police) We have nothing to hide!
 * *sobbing* "This tastes like turtles."
 * From the same scene:

Dale: (falls off roof, screaming)"

""I've decided that we're going to name her after something we both love... Lasagna. Lasagna Kleinschmidt.""
 * In one episode, the Hills meet Lucky's sister Myrna. When Peggy offers to get them juice, Myrna says that they don't drink juice, they'll just have water and read a book. As they walk off, Bobby says "Those kids ain't right."
 * Hank: "I tell you what, this Goofus is a dumbass."
 * Luanne has just given birth. She's very clearly been drugged:

"Dale: John Redcorn! I bet you could romance a woman out of a relationship with a giant doofus!
 * Dale, after figuring out that Bill's new girlfriend is the mother of Joseph's half-sister, seeks help from John Redcorn:

John: Dale, are you asking me to steal your friend's companion?

Dale: I don't want to see my child being raised by an IDIOT!

John: ....Yes, it's very difficult to watch an idiot raise your child."

"Peggy: Don't let go, don't let go.
 * Hank in the final episode: "What you're seeing is team spirit. It's like the Holy Spirit, only more powerful."
 * Pretty much any time Dale mentions that he thinks John Redcorn is gay.
 * Bobby trying to teach Peggy to ride a bike. Pretty much the whole thing, but special mention goes to this gem.

Bobby lets go, and she rides off without any issues.

Dale: He let go!

Peggy screams, and crashes off screen. Bobby glares at Dale.

Dale: Well, you did."

"Dooley: (to Bobby) Your dad got blown up."
 * "He's already got the black vote. Earl. And the gay vote. Earl."
 * From "The Miseducation of Bobby Hill", there's Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer's failed flying lawn chair experiment, which ends in Bill dangling from the ropes on it for a long time. At the end when he's finally gotten down, he limps over to them with his shirt mostly gone and a tattoo across his stomach, then hands Dale the balloons telling him "Your turn" before collapsing.
 * Kahn's...unique take on "Mickey".
 * In "The Arrowhead", Hank's yard is being torn up by a Jerkass archaeology professor hunting for Native American artifacts. When Hank complains, Bill compares it to the depredations suffered by the Natives and sheds a single tear...and then crumples up his beer can and throws it on the groundThe inverse of the classic "Crying Indian" anti-littering ad.
 * At the end of that same episode, the Jerkass archaeologist smugly declares that he probably could have scored Peggy for the price of a fake bracelet. Hank grabs him by the shirt and throws him into the pit they've dug in his lawn. The archaeologist tries climbing out, but Hank shoves him back in. After three of these, he remarks "Okay, so you've proven that you're stronger than me..."; this time, Peggy shoves him in. Fade to the credits as he tries to save face by claiming "I WANT you to push me in!", followed by Bobby saying "Okay" and the sound of him hitting ground again. And then during The Stinger we hear "You know, you'll get tired of this long before I do." *THUD!*
 * YOU'RE PART OF A TWELVE-HEADED JACKASS!!!
 * That whole damn thing. He was holding it in all episode and just let it all out. By the end, he's out of breath and ready to collapse.
 * Now seen "here.
 * From "Death of a Propane Salesman":

"Luanne: I thought you guys were sleeping. (snickers) But you guys weren't sleeping!
 * From "Movin' On Up", after Luanne accidentally walks in on Hank and Peggy about to have sex:

Hank: Exit the master bedroom now!"

"Cotton: Well, I suppose...... SUCKER PUNCH!"
 * Peggy trying to speak to a French man in Spanish ("They're the same thing", she says), then promptly getting shown up by Bill who happens to be fluent in French.
 * Funniest stingers? Here are mine:
 * "Yankee Hankee":

"Hank: Rock on!
 * "New Cowboy on the Block":

Kahn: Yes hello, rock on."

"Bobby: Man, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg."
 * "Bad Girls, Bad Girls, Whatcha Gonna Do":

"Toenail: BAM! Now THAT'S what I call general haberdashery!"
 * "Traffic Jam":

"Hank: I never get brunch..."
 * "Return to La Grunta":

"Hank: No, no, no, heh, no, heh.... NO."
 * "It's Not Easy Being Green":

"Hank: I'm doin' it! I'm a mooner!"
 * "Hank and the Great Glass Elevator":

"Dale: Bicky-bi-be-bo-bo-bicky-bi-bo!"
 * "A Firefighting We Will Go":

"Cotton: Pump jockey! Works for tips!"
 * "Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men":

"Hank: It's time to rock."
 * "Hank Gets Dusted":

"Cotton: Your mower's obsolete Hank! When something gets old and tired you gotta trade up!
 * Joe Jack has some good One Liners. One time he was practicing Yoga with Hank and Enrique and he said "I feel my chakra straightening out, honey!"
 * In "Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men" Cotton and Hank attend a mower focus group the day after Thanksgiving dinner and Cotton keeps saying horrible, hilarious things about Hank's mom:

Hank: You mean like you traded in mother for Didi?

Cotton: I didn't trade your momma in, a trade-in has some value... I scrapped her!"

"There's some milk in the fridge that's about to go bad... And there it goes."
 * Most of "Peggy's Turtle Song," but especially any scene with Bobby on ADD medication.