Vitriolic Best Buds/Quotes

"Who else but a bosom buddy will tell you how rotten you are?"

- Mame

"Yugi: No, I was talking about the time I saved you from that bully!

Joey: Oh...eh, no, no I don't remember that.

Yugi: But I was all heroic and stuff...

Joey: ...Hey, remember the time me and Tristan took your millennium puzzle?

Tristan and Joey from flashback: Tooooormeeeeeent!

Yugi: ...Remind me why we're friends again?"

"-- Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series Episode 3"

"Spider-Man: Wow, Supes must mean a lot for you to go to all this trouble to find him.

Batman: 'Supes' is a headstrong, naive idiot without the least bit of common sense in these situations.

Spider-Man: [laughs]

Batman: But only I'm allowed to say that.

Spider-Man: [meekly] Yes, sir."

- Marvel/DC After Hours

"Robert: I swear, if I wasn't your King, you would have hit me already.

Ned: The worst thing about your coronation is that I can never hit you again.

...

[Robert's squire struggles with his breastplate when Ned enters the tent.]

Squire: It was made too small, your grace. It won't go.

Robert: Your mother was a dumb whore, with a fat arse! [to Ned] Look at this idiot! He can't even put a man's armour on properly!

Ned: [matter-of-fact] You're too fat for your armour.

Robert: Fat? Fat, is it?! Is that how you speak to your king?!!

[Ned and Robert stare at one another. Ned smirks. Robert bursts out laughing. Ned follows, and then nervously, the Squire.]

Robert: [grimly] That's funny, is it?

Squire: No, your Grace.

Robert: No?! You don't like the Hand's joke?!

Squire: [dumb-founded]

Robert: You heard the Hand: the king is too fat for his armour! Go find the breast-plate-stretcher! Go!

[The squire flees]

Ned: 'The breast-plate-stretcher'?

Robert: How long before he figures it out?

Ned: Maybe I should invent it."

- Game of Thrones

"Walt: How are you doing Martin, you crazy Italian prick?

Barber Martin: Walt, your cheap bastard. I should have know you should come in right now. I was having such a pleasant time.

Walt: What did you do, cheat some blind man out of his money, gave him the wrong change?

Barber Martin: Whos the nip?

Walt: Oh, he is a pussy kid from next door. I am just trying to Man him up a little bit.

Barber Martin: Hmm...

Walt: You see kid, thats how guys talk to one another.

Thao: ...they do?

Barber Martin: What, you got chip in your ears?

Walt: Go on out, and come back in and talk to him like a real man.

Thao: [Exits and re-enters the shop] Excuse me Sir, I need a haircut if you ain't too busy you old Italian son of a bitch prick barber. Boy, does my ass hurt from all of the guys at my construction job

Barber Martin: [Picks up and point a rifle at Thao] Get out of my shop before I blow your head off, you goddamn dick sucker! Go!

Walt: What the hell are you doing?! You just don't go in and insult a man in his own shop!"

- Gran Torino

"Strong Bad: I thought we were bros!

Homestar Runner: Wait, I thought I thought we were bros, and you're always beating various stuffings out of me."

- Strong Bad's Cool Game For Attractive People, "Episode 2: Strong Badia The Free"

"$"

- gallowsCalibrator (sic) to Rose Lalonde, Homestuck

"Jon: You're the worst possible friend a man could have.

Phillip: I hate you too, buddy. I hate you too."

- Goats

"Gen: You can't kill me! I'm your best friend!

Usagi: Grrrr... So you keep telling me!"

- Usagi Yojimbo

"Black Mage: I have a friend.

White Mage: What you have is a highly dysfunctional relationship based exclusively on abuse

Black Mage: Right. A friend.

White Mage: See that, that right there, that's what's wrong with you.

[Beat]

Black Mage: Damnit, Fighter. White Mage doesn't like me because you're a rotten friend."

- Eight Bit Theater

"Levan smiled. "When I hear two people spar like that, I am certain that there is actually a profound affection between them."

"Oh, God," said Rubin, visibly revolted. His sparse beard bristled and his eyes, magnified through the thick lenses of his glasses, glared.

"You've hit it, Mr. Levan," said Gonzalo. "Manny would give me the shirt off his back if no one were looking. The only thing he wouldn't give me is a kind word.""

- Isaac Asimov, "The Wrong House"

"Look how we get along together. (You are incredibly annoying)

I think it's great the way we blend. (You're like a bone stuck in my throat)

You've tried to be as tough as leather. (This isn't something I'm enjoying).

But now I see that's just pretend. (I shoulda left you on that boat!)

We'll find our way through stormy weather. (You want a friend? Go find a snail!)

Just you and me right to the end. (Or better yet, Killer Whale!)

Hey buddy, looks like we're two birds of a feather. (Don't call me buddy!)

And, gee, it looks like I got me a friend!"

- The Pebble and The Penguin

"Varric: Carver.

Carver: Still think you're helping while bearing us in debt to your brother?

Varric: Still riding side-saddle while bitching at your betters?

Carver: Drinks later?

Varric: Never miss 'em."

- Dragon Age II

""Eiji and I may have different objectives, and we may undermine each other... but at least we're honest about it.""

- Ankh, Kamen Rider OOO

"Wonder Woman: What about us? Are we good?

Hawkgirl: Like oil and vinegar. We go together, but we don't mix.

Wonder Woman: Works for me."

- Justice League Unlimited

"Kitty Pryde: Disappointed, Ms. Frost?

Emma Frost: Astonished, Ms. Pryde."

- X-Men

"Justin Taylor: I hate you!

Eddie gC: YOU S33 W3 4R3 M34NT TO B3 B3ST H4T3FR13NDS FOR3V3R : Justin, hate is a very strong word."

- One Hundred Deeds for Eddie Mcdowd

"Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I will sees you in Vallhalska...

Toki Wartooth: I've always hated you Skwisgaar.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I knows Toki... I knows."

- Metalocalypse

"No, Daffy always comes back. I just tell him how much I need him. We hug, we cry, I drop something heavy on him, I laugh."

- Bugs Bunny, Looney Tunes: Back in Action

"Kel: I can't believe my best friend is a son of a bandit.

Kenan: I can't believe my best friend is a doofus."

- Kenan and Kel

"No, you guys don't need to kill me more. Chugga needs to kill me more. You guys are fine."

- Proton Jon, The Runaway Guys

"Scott: How did you know that?

Kyle: Because we're his friends.

Scott: Then why are you telling me?

Kyle: Because we hate him."

- South Park'

"Edward: So ... what do I do when I run into Reggie again? I mean, I came this close to reorganizing his landscape.

Thomas: Suck it up. Apologize. Be the bigger man. Heh. Metaphorically.

Edward: Right. How are you my friend again?

Thomas: My abuse is playful and originates from genuine caring."

- Between Failures 437, "Playful Abuse"

"A good friend helps you up when you trip. A best friend laughs at your ass and trips you again."

- An old joke

"''Cause we're frenemies

We like disliking one another

Cause we're frenemies

He's like my least favorite brother!''"

- Buford and Baljeet, Phineas and Ferb, "Lotsa Latkes"

"Just because I give you crap doesn't mean I hate you. If I hated you, I wouldn't talk to you at all."

- Anonymous

"Hobbes: You know, maybe we don't need enemies.

Calvin: Yeah, best friends are about all I can take."

- Calvin and Hobbes

"Chi: ...I just realized that I don't think of you as a friend at all.

Christopher: W-what?! Does that mean you think of me as a lover, then?!

Chi: You're someone I'd love to kill, but circumstances prevent me from doing so. For almost four decades now, come to think of it..."

- 1933 - The Slash: Bloody to Fair

"Wrex: Garrus...I have to make friends with the one turian in the galaxy who thinks he's funny.

Garrus: Imagine how I feel. I'm supposed to hate krogan, but you came along and warmed my heart with your winning personality."

- Mass Effect 3