Ultimate Spider-Man/Funny

"Spider-Man: Hey!! Did I leave my purse??"
 * Jean Grey thanks Spidey for not thinking of her naked. She just had to say it and make him picture it.
 * Also an Overly Long Gag: it carries on for another several panels after that.
 * The look on Jean's face through out it all is what makes it. She goes from sadden when he does it, to angered, to bemused, to exasperated, to amazement at how long he keeps going.
 * Peter's girlfriend and exes conspire to give him a haircut. Oh, and
 * It's the following entire page of freaked-out, disgusted mental screaming that makes the second one.
 * Spider-Man, having just taken out Electro and the Enforcers, is confronted by Kingpin. When asked why he is going after Kingpin, Spider-Man responds that this is an important question, and he wrote down his answer because he wants to get it right. Spidey pulls out and unfolds a sheet of paper... and proceeds to read off a list of "you are so fat" jokes that send Kingpin into a rage.
 * Too funny to describe.
 * The most hilarious part? His shirt collar pops when he lets out an angry roar.
 * Kingpin shows his Genre Savvy after Spidey pulls one too many Super Window Jumps into his office, having installed very unSoft Glass.
 * Really, a lot of his interactions with the Kingpin, which often consist of Parker Trolling the hell out of him. Like on one occasion he meets him at a restaurant, exchanges some banter and then swings off...at which point Kingpin realizes that Spidey webbed his feet to the floor while they were talking.
 * And it isn't the first time he's pulled that. Early in the series, Spidey has a chance to confront J. Jonah Jameson on the street who has been smearing him in the Daily Bugle. Spidey pulls in close and JJ thinks he's about to get pummeled before Spidey swings away going "Love the paper! It's HILARIOUS!" JJ sighs a bit of relief and turns to walk back inside only pull a Face Fault onto the concrete because Spidey quietly webbed his feet to the ground. Apparently Spidey's M.O. against people that irk him is to web their feet to the floor.
 * Black Cat throwing up on Spider-Man realizing that he's way younger than her.
 * When Spider-Man pulls off not one but two Dynamic Entries in the space of a single fight scene:

"[Spidey wakes up in the X-Men's mansion.]
 * After the X-Men take a kid named Geldoff and Spider-Man to the X-Mansion, Professor Xavier basically says he will keep the kid in his custody and present him in front of the UN as an example of illegal, immoral genetic tampering (the kid was a non-mutant that was injected with the X-factor gene in the womb). Spider-Man's response to this is by rushing out of the mansion with Geldoff and beating up everyone in his path as soon as he gets outside the mansion, Xavier appears standing in front of a tree and says "Peter, what good would that do?" Spider-Man responds, "it was just a thought."
 * That same issue also gave us the X-Men learning Spider-Man's name.

Spider-Man: You took off my mask?!!

Beast: We wanted to make sure you were still breathing.

Spider-Man: Man! I am trying to keep a secret identity here!! No one respects my secret identity!! No one!! One secret! That's all I want. I want to put on the mask and keep it on!! And every time I turn around someone somewhere finds out I'm Peter Parker!

[The X-Men snigger.]

Shadowcat: We, uh, we didn't know your name.

[Peter buries his head in his hands.]"

"Iceman: Hey, don't I know you?
 * On the subject of X-Men and his secret identity, Iceman visits his school and we get this:

Peter: No, you don't.

Iceman: Yeah I do, you're-

Peter: (meaningful glare) We've never met.

Iceman: But-

Peter: DUDE."

"Kitty has phased through Shocker's weapons, breaking them.
 * From Annual 1, the scene where Kitty & Peter deal with the Shocker

Kitty Pryde: Whatever you do... Don't look behind you.

Spider-Man is on the wall behind the Shocker

Spider-Man: Hi, Herman.

Shocker: AIIEEE!!!

Shocker flees, and runs straight into a web"

"Johnny: I'm going to do the whole "you" thing.
 * J. Jonah Jameson blaming Ben Urich for readership of every newspaper in America being down.
 * The entire exchange with the Fantastic Four discussing
 * This little exchange once Johnny Storm decides he's going to be living with Peter.

Peter: Wallow in self pity?"

"Spidey: What?
 * Ultimate Spidey has trouble keeping his costume repaired during a period when he's broken up with MJ and has to go out wearing just his mask and homemade outfit of street clothes. Unfortunately they don't impress the street thugs very much, but at least he still has his mouth:

Thug: The hell is this?

Spidey: I'm Spider-Man. Read a paper.

Thug: Where's your costume?

Spidey: Your mom's washing it for me."

"Peter: God! You know why people hate you? It's not because you're mutants!! It's because you're all a bunch of @#$@#$ $@$%@ ##@$!! That's why!! You $^$%^ $%^$ $^$%^ $%#^% #$ $% ^#$%^ $%%^!!! AAAGGHHH! *swings off*
 * Peter gets really pissed off with the X-Men after they finally undo a Freaky Friday Flip:

Colossus: Why am I an #$@#$@? I was just standing here."

"Spider-Man: What was your name again?
 * Peter is standing in a lift next to Elektra and can't stop staring at her but glances away every time she looks at him.

Elektra: Stop staring at them.

Spider-Man: What? No. What? I was--

Elektra: (Smirks, gives Aside Glance)"

"Spider-Woman: "Going to the police"...What a dork."
 * The second Spider-Man's first encounter with Spider-Woman. Poor Miles gets his entire body tied up in web, and tries to hop away to "call the police", only to trip and knock himself out on a satellite dish. It really demonstrates how young and unprepared he is.

"Captain Quaid: What's your name?
 * Miles is proving to be quite the smart ass, much like Peter.

Miles Morales/Spider-man 2:Uh, Spider-man?

Captain Quaid: Spider-Man's dead. Who are you?

Miles: Uh, can I be Thor then?"

"Miles:I need you to cover for me.
 * Also, Miles claiming he's 30 years old when questioned, and Quaid ordering him back home since it's a school night.
 * Any time Miles uses his venom strike, since he does it by poking two fingers into his opponent, usually during a heated punch-up.
 * Ganke's epic lying skills:

...

Ganke: What if they see you?

Miles: Puh-leeze. (leaves)

Judge (their roommate): Where'd Miles go?

Ganke: Miles who?"

Ultimate Spider-Man, the video game
""Blub! ...did I just say 'blub'?""
 * Spidey's Oh Crap moment with Rhino: "I'm so scared I can't even finish my lame joke."
 * After that, he gets thrown into a wall and says to the people "nothing's broken except my spine... and ribs... and everything else."
 * Any of his reactions when he goes into the water and Super Drowning Skills kick in:

"Construction Worker: NO!
 * At many points in the game, Spidey has to rescue innocent civilians caught in the crossfire of his fights. At one point, he does so while NOT in costume. Luckily, the construction worker he saves simply comes to the conclusion that Peter is a mutant. Unluckily, he's not excited about getting rescued by one.

Peter: Mutants are people too!

Construction Worker: O-okay.

Peter: Say it!

Construction Worker: Mutants are people too!"

Ultimate Spider-Man, Animated series!
"Spider-Man: Gotta use the bathroom!"
 * Just from the first two episodes alone it seems like the series will be filled with these thanks to Peter's Imagine Spots.
 * Peter's "Wall of Shame" spot where we see Nick Fury crying his good eye out.
 * After Norman makes a comment about the possibility of Spider-Man being right under his minions' noses, Spidey floats into the background with a parachute made out of webbing.

"Wizard: If Spider-Man doesn't reveal himself, we'll tear this school down brick by brick!
 * When the Frightful Four attack Midtown High, we get this jewel:

Random Student: YEAH!"

"(Spider-Man pops in next to an exasperated Peter while wearing a sombrero and playing a guitar.) ¡Hola! ¿Donde esta la biblioteca?"
 * Peter shaking hands with Nick Fury-than activating his web-parachute that covers them both. "...Awkward."
 * Pete imagining how his interview with MJ would go.
 * Spanish class, with Spider-Man.

"Spider-Man: Definitely, "bro." (Opens one of the lockers) Step in.
 * Aunt May soundly trouncing Peter at video games and his shocked expression.
 * The Cut during Fury's lecture about how other heroes "started out clueless", to Iron Man first trying out the MK. III Armor, ricocheting around his private garage before crashing into and destroying one of his cars, embedding himself in it upside-down, and remaining stuck there for a couple seconds while the alarm blares for comedic effect.
 * This moment is even funnier considering that it's a Shout-Out to a similar moment in the first Iron Man movie.
 * Blink and you'll miss it, but in the opening sequence in "Great Power", Spidey does a triple axel as he sails across the Jumbotron screen.
 * In "Great Power," during a fight with the Frightful Four in Midtown High, Flash Thompson tells Spider-Man that he's his biggest fan and he wants to help. Remembering how he gets stuffed into a locker by this jerk on a daily basis, Peter responds as thus:

Flash Thompson (eagerly stepping into the locker): Now what?

Spider-Man: Wait for my signal. Jump out, and we'll surround them. Remember, wait for my signal. (Slams the door shut) Immature, I know, but it felt so good!"

"White Tiger: Look who thinks he's still in charge. It's so cute."
 * White Tiger poking fun at Nova in "Great Responsibility." It's the insultingly cutesy-wootzy tone to her voice she adds that does it.

"Spider-Man (chucking aside a torn up robot arm): Next?
 * Followed immediately by:

Fury: Web-Parachute test. (Smirks) See you tomorrow.

Spider-Man: "Parachute Test?"

(Cue the floor opening up and sending Spidey plummeting to the ground below, screaming at the top of his lungs like a little girl all the way.)"

"Stan (jokingly) Thwip! Thwip!"
 * In "Great Responsiblity," MJ is wondering who Spider-Man could be, saying he could be anyone, a teacher, a student, and then, just like clockwork, Stan the Janitor walks by.

"Spider-Man (Imagine Spot): I like this guy."
 * Minutes after that, Spidey meets Dr. Curt Conners, who actually manages to put one over on him by feigning his canonical missing arm.

"Peter: Coulson!?
 * While test-driving the Spider-Cycle for the first time, Spidey lands on the Jumbotron of J. Jonah Jameson in the middle of his daily rant against superhumans. He promptly uses the bike to draw a mustache on him via skidmark.
 * Near the end of "Great Responsibility" when Peter finds out the his teammates are now going to his school he says he has to talk to a guy. Cut to him at the Principal's office demanding a transfer. Funniest part? The Chair Reveal that Agent Coulson is the Acting Principal and Fury wants him to stay right where he is.

Coulson: Acting Principal Coulson. *Spidey hands* Thwip thwip!"

"Fury: He's gone native!"
 * In "Doomed", after Spidey captures "Doctor Doom", he Imagine Spots a scene where he presents "Doom" to Fury at a dinner table. The funny part? During the scene, the tied up "Doom" demands to have a banana split.
 * Another moment from "Doomed": Sam proudly holding up his mashed potato sculpture of Coulson.
 * Also "Doomed": Agent Coulson losing his mind, as acting principal.

"Fury: Coulson, we need to talk priorities."
 * Coulson prattles on about the school's budget again, causing Fury to rubs his temples.

"White Tiger: Stupidest. Boys. Ever.
 * And during the fight against Doom, when Spidey and Nova both go after Doom at the same time:

(explosion)

Iron Fist: As a boy, I second that."

"Mini-Doombot: Destruction to the enemies of the almighty Doom!"
 * Power Man's foot being burned by a tiny, squeaky Doombot.

"Doombot: Three days to retirement.
 * White Tiger shreds a Doombot the minute they land in Latveria. It lives long enough to bemoan one thing before exploding:

Cue explosion."

"Iron Fist: The mightiest tornado gives off the gentlest breeze only when temperatures cool down.
 * Spidey and Nova's imaginary faces after White Tiger calls them Dork 1 and Dork 2.
 * As the team has to clean up after Spider-Man and Nova's mess, Iron Fist provide an... interesting, zen rebuttal to White Tiger's complaining.

White Tiger stares blankly at Iron Fist

Luke Cage: He does that."

"Sam: I hope he rented a lion! (beat) What? Rich people rent lions."
 * In episode four, "Venom":
 * After Venom crashes a party at Harry's house, everyone hears the crashes. Nova's reaction?

"Harry: GAH! I think you just pulled out my only chest-hair.
 * As guests are running for their lives, one girl stops, screams, gives Harry her number, and screams again before finally running off.
 * Also, when MJ saves Harry from falling to his death by grabbing the front of his shirt:

MJ: Sorry!"

"Iron-Fist/Danny (smirking nonchalantly): (shrug) It's a monk thing."
 * Afer the battle, Luke and Ava pull Danny free from the Venom-goop that had stuck him to a wall. Unfortunately, doing so ripped off his costume in the process (save his mask), revealing that he wears briefs the same color as his uniform, with a tiny dragon symbol in the front right corner.

"MJ: ...The floppy end does the cleaning.
 * MJ instructing Harry how to use a mop while they clean up the aftermath of the party/fight.

Harry: I knew that."

"Spider-Man: Whoa, look at your heads! And your feet!"
 * Spider-Man imagines himself being sent to other dimensions, including The Amazing Spider-Ham and The Super Hero Squad Show.

"White Tiger: What? You kiss the frog!
 * Even better, he and Iron Man defeat the Living Laser by sending him there!
 * Where the unlucky LL meets the hammer of Thor.
 * Ava and Peter poke fun at Coulson's underwear. "Leave that man's underwear alone, Pete. Or he'll get short with you!"
 * The Incredible Hulk's Offhand Backhand, when Spider-Man jumps on his shoulders.
 * Hulk. Hate. Paparazzi!
 * One of the news tickers in Episode 8 features this hidden gem: "Squirrel Girl Launches New Perfume Line".
 * Four words: Ava! Kiss the frog!

Nova: Nuh uh! That's not how it works. I've seen the movies."

"Spider-Man: (In reference to Thor) And you're missing the eensy weensy detail that YOU ARE A FROG!"
 * And earlier...

"Nova (dizzy): Who are you talking to? (looks at the screen) Come out! I'll go sunlight all over you! (passes out)"
 * Nova getting conked, and catching Spider-Man Breaking the Fourth Wall.

"Spider-Man: You know, sometimes it reeks being the title character. You have to act like "learning a lesson" is somehow better than getting a cool weapon."
 * Again in "Field Trip," Spider-Man's Imagine Spot during the master dwarf's lecture as he hands out weapons to the others, but tells Spidey he doesn't need one because he's had his power inside him all along, but that he has to accept his role as leader to fully unlock it here:


 * Spider-Man to Loki: "You broke the doors! This is why we can't have nice stuff!"
 * Frog Thor: "Thought you could defeat Asgard's warriors? I say thee...ribbit!"
 * Thor's gift to the team: a two-headed goat. Which proceeds to bite Spidey's hand.
 * As Thor recaps his rocky relationship with Loki, the Imagine Spot displays Loki using his powers to turn Thor's armor into a dress.
 * Peter's imagine spot of what it would have been like had the goat that bit him at the petting zoo as a kid, had been the one that was radioactive.