Top Gear/Funny

Ah yes, Top Gear...everyone's favorite BBC car-based sitcom, which has many funny moments, only few of which are guaranteed to anger sensitive viewers and people with too much time on their hands to complain. Enjoy!

Series 1
"Car: Dial Number
 * In the fifth episode of the first season, when Jeremy tried to program numbers into the telephone located on the newest (at the time) Mercedes S-Class.

Clarkson: No, don't dial that. I don't know who it is, it might be the Queen."

Series 3

 * During the Monaro test in the 6th episode of the 3rd season, Clarkson turns the traction control off. Promptly the car begins to insult him in Australian slang, calling him a poofter and saying that Britain got lucky when they won the rugby championship.

Series 4
"James May: How much are four humans?"
 * When Richard Hammond is hypnotized into forgetting how to drive a car, and then thinking a small pedal car is a brand new car he recently bought.
 * Going back a bit, the very first "cheap cars challenge" in Series 4. The final challenge is to crash the car into a brick wall at 30 mph, which leads to two Crowning Moments: first James May appears to have died, and Clarkson casually turns to the camera with a spiel about "if you want a job on Top Gear, write to..."; then, Clarkson's Volvo's speedometer is broken, so he guesses and actually hits the wall at 40 mph...whereupon the Volvo demolishes the wall and, unlike the other two cars, is still going afterwards.
 * And the challenge finishes with Clarkson dozens of points behind and apparently out of the race...but he wins due to economy, because his Volvo cost . Which is also a CMOA.
 * Series 4, Episode 6: Hammond harvests methane from cow manure to run a Rover - which then loses a drag race to a petrol Rover and a "human poo" methane Rover. After which James May gets out a calculator and starts calculating to see if it'll really save money as Richard tries to convince him it was a just a joke.
 * After Hammond has convinced May that the cow program was a joke, and wouldn't work:

Series 6
"Clarkson: ...The essence of it is that, from now on, small car ads are going to be impossible. We're not going to know what on earth they're written about.
 * Series 6, Episode 4: James May's advertisement for a used BMW, written purely in classified-car-ad abbreviations.

May: I've written one, for a BMW. "For sale, BMW 528. 19k, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC, £15,000."

[general laughter.]

Hammond: Nice.

May: "ONO.""

"James: Where did you learn that?"
 * And, before that, there's the conversation about Jeremy Clarkson's Ford GT, that he had just gotten the previous week. Or, to be more specific, Jeremy Clarkson's Ford GT, that he had just gotten the previous week. Classic.
 * An episode has Hammond, Clarkson and May's mothers testing three cars. Cue the usual sequence of senior citizens knowing nothing about advanced car mechanics ... except when Mrs. May starts discussing her dislike of low-profile tires as they generate more noise when driving. The expression on James' face was priceless

"Eccleston: Well, you don't really count, Jeremy: you're from Yorkshire. You're actually part sheep."
 * Not to mention the fact that Captain Slow's mom of all people has gotten two speeding tickets.
 * Then there's James' claim that its her driving style that traumatized him at an early age.
 * When Clarkson interviewed Christopher Eccleston, they got into a brief argument about who was more Northern:

Series 7
"Hammond: ...and so far we've learnt that James's Lamborghini is rubbish, Jeremy's Maserati is slow, and my Ferrari is...
 * Hammond's car in the Budget Supercars challenge in Series 7 was a yellow Ferrari 308 -- a model which was originally sold as a Dino. Clarkson spends the whole series pronouncing it "not a Ferrari" while Hammond insists that it is ... and then Clarkson combines it with Hammond's long-term Berserk Button about getting his teeth whitened:

Clarkson: Is not a Ferrari.

Hammond: It is!

Clarkson: It is not a Ferrari -- Teeth, be quiet!

Hammond: It -- I -- It is a--

Clarkson: Let's get back to the action!"

"Clarkson: Well, 'cause I was writing the script for this week's show."
 * In the episode where Clarkson in the Bugatti Veyron races May and Hammond in a private plane (piloted by May), when Clarkson refers to his opponents as "Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand-luggage".
 * Or as Biggles and Algy or as Maverick and Iceman
 * In Series 7, Episode 3, Clarkson annouced to the audience that Top Gear has won an Emmy Award for Best Non-Scripted Entertainment Show Not Made in America. Then Hammond asks Clarkson why he didn't go along to the ceremony to pick it up in person.

"May: YOU UNBEARABLE MAN! I can't stand it!"
 * In Series 7, Episode 5, Hammond and May reach the end of the race between their Cessna 182 plane and Clarkson's Bugatti Veyron, and enter the restaurant serving as their meeting place. They initially think that they won... until they find Clarkson tucked in the far back, behind a wall. May's reaction is priceless.

Series 8
"May: Oh for Pete's sake!"
 * This troper had to be forcibly stopped from watching the White Van Challenges because he was apparently laughing too much.
 * The climax was when it was Hammond's turn to take his itty bitty van around the track (in typical Top Gear fashion, of course). Hammond was just so full of confidence that cornering fast in a vehicle with a narrow wheelbase and high center of gravity would be no trouble at all. You can, perhaps, see where this is going...
 * Don't forget Richard's last words - "I reckon I'll give it a bit of the old Scandinavian flick".
 * Immediately followed, of course, by
 * May races a pair of free runners through Liverpool. He thinks he's won, is giving his victory speech and then he looks up at the clock tower...

"Clarkson: It's not a pan fire anymore, it's a van fire."
 * The caravan holiday, even before Clarkson set their caravan on fire.


 * That one segment after the train was heard in the distance made this troper almost cry laughing.
 * More minor one here, but also in the same segment. Despite being bored, the three guys try there best to have some fun in the caravan site, so they head off to engage in some twitching... Top Gear Style.
 * Series 8 Episode 1, where they introduce the new Reasonably Priced Car by holding a (comically small) garden party for several stars to turn up and record lap times. Only problem is, the first one is James Hewitt and neither Clarkson nor Hammond know who he is - they end up putting him on the board as "Well-Spoken Man".
 * Jimmy Carr. He is Drives Like Crazy INCARNATE and "O Fortuna" is playing whenever he's shown on camera.

Series 9
"Hammond: We weren't trying to set records, I just wanted to go really, really fast.
 * Hammond's return to the show after his life-threatening accident: Awesome. Getting a bearhug from Clarkson on stage: Heartwarming. Negotiating a jetway flanked by showgirls to the tune of "Upside Down": Priceless.
 * Stolen directly from the quotes page, from Episode 1, after viewing the footage shot of Hammond's successful runs in the Vampire dragster:

Clarkson: So you did 314 [mph]?

Hammond: Yeah.

Clarkson: And you wanted to know what it was like to go really fast?

Hammond: Yeah.

Clarkson: So you'd found out. Why didn't you just get into your car and go home?

[Hammond looks sheepish.]

Hammond: I don't know really. The thing is, that run that you just saw, that was at 5 o'clock, and we had the runway until 5:30, and...

[general laughter.]"

"Clarkson: [chasing after May with a pitchfork] May, you're gonna die! I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!"
 * The scene in the tractor episode where Richard Hammond is trying to round up a field of sheep.
 * From the same episode...

"May:
 * The "Starship Enterplough" crack from Clarkson about Hammond's machine had this troper in utter hysterics.
 * The expressions of Richard Hammond and James May during the successful launch of a Reliant Robin they had turned into a Space Shuttle...

Hammond: "

"James: Now that's just childish! And doesn't solve the argument!"
 * Everything about the series nine episode where they go to Scotland, play golf (and get thrown off the course), and try to convince some modern art critics why their cars should considered works of art.
 * James calls Richard's Mazda "chintzy" and looks like a golfer's car, so Richard gets his golf bag and dumps all of his clubs out.

"Jeremy: Richard, you went to art college, you should be good at this!
 * At the Gallery of Modern Art in Edinburgh:

Richard: If you've ever been to art college, you would know that what you do there is drink and pursue women!"

Series 10
"Hammond: I can just see sky, sea, sky, SEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
 * Then there was their competition against German motoring show D Motor, set in Belgium. It began with Add in a few more references to the Second World War than you'd think would be allowed on the BBC and it had 's entire family in hysterics for the better part of half an hour.
 * Funnier, if you have seen The Battle of Britain.
 * "My arm's come off! My arm's come off!"
 * And, of course, one cannot forget the introduction to the review of the Lamborghini Reventon - a perfect crap-past-the-radar Delayed Reaction from Richard Hammond.
 * And don't miss the lead-in: May presenting alternate uses for tampons, Hamster getting Squicked out, and illegal use of kryptonite by Jeremy Clarkson.
 * Crossing the English Channel. More specifically, trying to get out of the harbor into the English Channel.


 * During the race across London: Jeremy Clarkson calls the Stig to check on his progress.
 * To clarify, Stig stares at his ringing phone like it's a bomb about to go off. The fact his ringtone is the Coronation Street theme makes it doubly funny. The episode also "reveals" that The Stig sees every vehicle as a car, and is confused by most mundane actions such as reading the paper.
 * Stig gets another laugh when he figures out how to read the paper, throwing it away in disgust when he stumbles upon an article praising F1 driver Lewis Hamilton.
 * The Stig takes public transportation, complete with odd looks from fellow passengers.
 * From the same episode, Hammond riding a bicycle. Most of his shots consist of him cursing and yelling at the other drivers, yet he still manages to win.
 * And when we see Clarkson pull up to the airport in a boat on the Thames, dock it, rush inside (assuming he's won)...only to find Hammond sitting there waiting for him.
 * Absolutely everything in the challenge where they had to prove that not everything British Leyland made was crap. "Still, I'd only lost one thing."
 * "Two things."
 * Hammond's car disintegrating around him during said part of the challenge.
 * When they use the noises of the various broken bits of the cars to play music.
 * James May gets lost. On a race track.
 * Clarkson attempts to park on a hill. And manages to cheat and say that he did it, but nobody saw him (due to the smokescreen generated by his failure).
 * Talking about unusual claims on insurance forms.
 * The Rover SDI's door opens. Well, the outer part does anyway.
 * David Tennant's lap around the studio track, which basically consisted of him repeatedly feeling for third gear. He left it all over the track.
 * Pipe smoking fail!. "Thaff noth gong hwell."

Series 11
"Clarkson, narrating: Sadly, there was one invention James hadn't considered. (The Stig turns on the wipers to remove May's layer of paint)
 * Top Gear did a challenge on alternative police cars that forced this troper to leave the room for a bit to recover.
 * High points included the sirens (James May's ice cream truck, at one point playing the Monty Python's Flying Circus theme); the effects of Clarkson's Boadicea wheels on handling (Hammond: "I'm hearing a lot of noise but not a lot of movement; it's very much like Jeremy, that car"); James May in a hot pursuit situation (Clarkson: "How long have you got until you have to go home tonight?"), and then everyone's car-stopping techniques backfiring spectacularly:

...

(Hammond's doormat-and-nail construction fails to stop, or for that matter reach, the Stig's BMW)

James May: Oh dear, he's gone round it. (Cracks up)

...

Hammond: (watching the Boadiceas in action) I presume at some point there's going to be a simply hideous accident.

(Clarkson's wheel comes off)

Clarkson: Something's gone wrong with the handling!"

"* Clarkson and May attempt to push their cars, with no success*
 * Season 11, Episode 5, the Old Car Challenges: James May's response when Jeremy Clarkson showed his automatic boot lid. One of the finest moments of Deadpan Snarkery this troper has ever seen.
 * I'm partial to them racing their cars... by pushing them.

Several days later


 * The cars start to move* "


 * Clarkson spends most of the challenge claiming that his horn is incredibly loud. When May causes a bunch of other drivers to start honking their horns at him, Clarkson finally proves that he wasn't kidding. It gets them kicked out of the parking garage and can be heard from across the city.
 * The whole Running Gag about the Dacia Sandero.
 * I went on the Internet, and I found this...
 * Clarkson uses a Bill Oddie mask to confuse Japanese speed cameras, and then uses it to scare the petrol pump attendant.

Series 12
"Tonight, James races a man in wellies, Richard crashes some motorhomes, and I close down Manchester Airport."
 * Who could forget the Lorry challenge? Far too many funny moments to list.
 * At the start of that episode, well...

"May: I've got the name for it: the Bloody Awful!"
 * And from that same challenge, how they decorated said lorries.
 * The V8 Meat Blender.

"Jeremy Clarkson: "The kids are being annoying, shoot them.
 * Not to mention the V8 rocking chair later in the same season. When Clarkson fires it up, the shop mannequin being used as a test subject falls apart, followed by the chair itself, in less than five seconds. Clarkson declares the test a failure... because the engine noise would make it impossible for the person in the chair to hear the television.
 * The best part of this one is probably seeing Jeremy and Richard struggling not to corpse in the immediate aftermath.
 * "It's put hairs on my eyeballs!"
 * Top Gear brings a Morris Marina out to the track.
 * Later in Series 13, James May is forced to drive a Morris Marina in the Ice Race challenge, which actually beats Hammond and Clarkson's cars.....
 * In Series 14, Hammond raced "[drove] at the same time on the same track" a Marina against Clarkson in a Lancia. Given their poor history of Marinas and pianos, they gave him one which had already had a piano dropped on it. You'll never guess what happened when it conveniently "broke down", and Hammond got out for a minute to find a toolkit...
 * As put it to her dad: "Jeremy tests a Ford Fiesta old-school style...and then he just gets silly."
 * To clarify, he drives it through a mall, and then during a beach assault. Made of Win, that.
 * "I am now breaking the speed limit, INDOORS!"
 * Even funnier with the Beach assault. Especially when the Royal Marines beach, to the soundtrack of the 1812 Overture, complete with explosions filled in where the original piece was supposed to have cannons. It provides such gems as :

Jeremy Clarkson: "Ah look at that!" points downward. "The smoke grenades fit perfectly in the cupholders!""

"James: *points at radio, looks at camera* I wasn't expecting that!
 * "Is it green?" "Yes. Very." Over a shot of a green Ford Fiesta.
 * The entirely factual and not in the least bit entertaining American super-cars segment.
 * James May being so disgusted with his muscle car (it grows on him later) that he tries to win a motorbike in a Reno casino to ride instead...while American bystanders ask him if he's from Australia. (It's something of a memetic Running Gag among Britons that Americans will always assume any British accent other than an old-fashioned BBC English one is Australian instead).
 * Partway into the episode, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers comes onto the radio..better known to fans of the show as the opening theme.

Jeremy: On tonight's program...*laughs*"

"Clarkson: Maybe we should start a program.
 * Jeremy Clarkson's interview with Will Young. That is all. (And frankly, I am disappointed they never did do that show.)

Young: "Jeremy and Will Do up Surrey Houses", eh?

Clarkson: Oh, I'd love to do up Surrey houses.

Young: Us fighting over shagpile carpet. I can see it.

Clarkson: I don't like shagpile.

Young: [a little too quickly] Neither do I.

[awkward pause while audience laughs]"

"Clarkson: I'll put a D on it. Or an M. Which do you want: do you want a 'moist' or a 'damp'?
 * And then when Clarkson is trying to decide how to mark the strip for the track condition:

[beat]

[general laughter]

Young [shaking his head]: We got to do that show, you know, it'll be brilliant."

"Hammond: Jeremy's in love!"
 * Add to that all the times Richard's teased Jeremy about it.

"Clarkson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
 * The expressions on poor Mika Häkkinen's face when James May drove him around Finland.
 * Episode 1: the road test of the Porsche GT2.

"Clarkson: Now, the time has come, I fear. Lots of complaints after last week's program - Internet kind of awash with hate, people demanding an apology - and I am only too happy to give one. I am very sorry that I didn't put the [Porsche] GT2's time on the board ... [laughter] ... really, I don't know what to say."
 * Also in the first episode, Clarkson made a Too Soon joke about truck drivers killing prostitutes (an allusion to a serial killer recently in the news) and received quite a lot of complaints. So, naturally, in the news from the next episode:


 * The Race to Blackpool, where the presenters have to drive all the way from Basel in Switzerland, whoever gets there first gets to turn on the Blackpool Illuminations but they have to ration their fuel to make sure they make it, and if none of them arrive then the Stig is on hand to do it in their place...
 * Clarkson declares the whole thing impossible and gets a fuel-thirsty Jaguar with the intention of running out of fuel outside his front door in the Cotswolds.
 * The Stig passes the time in Blackpool by visiting the Pleasure Beach amusement park, and falls asleep on Britain's biggest rollercoster.
 * After, they argue about who should turn on the lights while in the background the Stig steps up and does it.
 * James and Jeremy exploring the rampant insanity that was the Soviet car manufacturing industry. Highlights include a car with a hole in the bottom for ice fishing, getting a face full of dirt trying to emulate Erwin Rommel and the three-wheeled...thing with a body made of leather.

Series 13
"Clarkson: So if you've got four-- The girls gave you four poi-- they did, didn't they? They did. What did they give you?
 * During the 17-year-old's car challenge: "Guys! Problem! I've shoved my anarchy flag through my water lilo!" "Nobody's ever said that before!"
 * He also crashes into the summer house later.
 * Oh, and turning on James May's stereo on the 'parking quietly' challenge.
 * A little explanation: James improved his car by giving it "a banging stereo for me tunes", Jeremy and Richard exploit this by changing the music, gluing up the control unit and "borrowing" the remote control
 * Blink and you'll miss it, but when Hammond's talking about the premiums for girls being cheaper you can see Stig walk up behind him and put his head in the photocopier!
 * Also in the same category, James has a framed picture of the Queen on his desk. Hammond has a box of teeth whitener. Clarkson? He's got a picture of Will Young.
 * Also Richard Hammond says he hasn't had any car crashes in the last 5 years when asked by the insurance company.
 * His guilty look to the camera is the thing that really sells it, though.
 * Finally, when they are adding up the totals at the end and May needs 4 points from the judges to win.

May: [after holding out and looking smug for as long as he can] Nothing."

"May: [to an exhausted, soot-covered Clarkson] You have permission to say "Oh, cock.""
 * Steam train v. car v. motorbike. Captain Slow triumphs!

"Clarkson: You can find the nearest cruising homosexual with one of those?"
 * The Return of the Cool Wall. After one short joke too many, Hammond brings out a scissor lift. Too bad it has an emergency stop button that's easily accessible from the ground....
 * 13x01: The belated Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car lap:
 * The second Stephen Fry interview, where Fry shows off his new iPhone application, Grindr, to a mildly Squicked but quite amused Clarkson.

"Clarkson: If you had a pistol, you'd have shot yourself by now?
 * The news segment of Season 13 Episode 1. Just one Refuge in Audacity moment after another.

May: Oh, years ago."


 * Note: Since it shamelessly jokes about animal cruelty, it might be a case of Dude Not Funny for some.
 * Two words : Car Sauna -- a game played by waiting for a hot, sunny day and getting into a car with the windows rolled up and the heater at maximum. The first person to exit the car loses. The lads played it, and Clarkson was the first to abandon ship when the internal temperature reached 62 degrees C (143 degrees F).
 * Jezza and Captain Slow making car commercials. Period. If you're not laughing your ass off throughout that feature then there's something SERIOUSLY absent about your sense of humor!
 * The entire Volkswagen Scirocco TDi episode was absolutely brilliant, but the final ad absolutely takes the cake. Black Comedy at its best.
 * Jeremy Clarkson reading off Jay Leno's list of cars.
 * One episode had Hammond buy a 1953 London taxi. His car was falling apart on the way home and when they came back, he showed a piece of paper that showed everything that was wrong with the car. As Jeremy was saying "Oh, that's not so much..." Hammond lets the rest of the paper go, allowing it to fall to the ground and pool around his legs from about head height.
 * Michael MacIntyre's stop into the studio nearly had this troper in hysterics.

Series 14
"Jeremy: James, don't do the pork sword. (Pulls out a stuffed rooster) This cock...
 * In the fourth episode of Series 14, during the News segment: because of the New Year's-related delay between taping and broadcasting, the boys struggle to keep straight the discrepancy. Jeremy giddily talks about the Citroen DS3 and says it'll be one of the best cars "that will be coming out next year", (which at the BBC 2 2009 airing means the US BBC America 2010 airing). He beams for a moment at his own magnificence and thumbs-ups the audience, thinking he's got the discrepancy nailed. When Hammond and May correct him ("this year"), he drops the mother of all F bombs. Cue despondency.
 * From that episode 8, we have the Gocycle, and May thinking it is pronounced Gock-ickle. Then he finds out he had to BUILD it instead of it being a fold-up.
 * Also, James May saying "Isn't wasn't" cracked up.
 * And Clarkson talking about his cycle thing as Hammond comes round a corner with his electrically-powered skateboard and almost falls off. Then they race and Clarkson almost falls off his vehicle.
 * Also the news section in episode 6, when the Trio suggest useless items to put car-manufacturer-badges on. Jeremy starts off with a plate of vomit (with a BMW badge), Richard suggests a wizard's sleeve... and then James pulls out a literal pork sword.

Richard: Has it got four rings on it?

Jeremy: Yes, it has. (Turns it to reveal an Audi badge glued to it)"

"Jeremy: (as the camera shows the bright red 133) No. It's red."
 * From the Romania trip (looking for the best driving road... in the world). Clarkson gets James an actual Dacia Sandero to drive. It's then wrecked when a semi hits it.
 * Could also slip into Tear Jerker territory when you think about how damn happy he was to get it and drive it...
 * Hammond's Ferrari spontaneously and randomly deciding to ring up Vernon Kay.
 * And it just continues the Refuge in Audacity with all the references to gypsies in Romania.
 * The crash test and side impact test of the Hammerhead Eagle i-Thrust. "Tuokool!"
 * Yes, that was funny as hell, but EVERYTHING about the "Geoff"/Hammerhead Eagle i-Thrust film was completely hilarious! From the moustache on the front to the box for Hamster's head, to Clarkson not saying the name the same way even TWICE in a row... honestly, that episode is one gigantic CMOF for the boys!
 * As a former design student Jeremy's 'Mood Room' cracked me up; "Big cats, jet fighters... the actor Peter Bowles."
 * The segment of the Twingo Renaultsport 133, which is done in a serious manner. This includes Clarkson making a metaphor about how driving the car is like driving a mosquito (then saying "Not literally" because the segment is for a guy that wrote in about how the show wasn't serious) then Jeremy driving it on a hockey rink in the middle of a team's practice, him trying to catch the ferry by jumping (and failing miserably) and then the fact that they put a cameraman in the back, who gets abused constantly throughout the time he's in the back. Then there's one question that asks "Is it green?" Jeremy's response?

"James: Between now and whenever you're watching this, anything could've happened: we might've invented a car that, errr, I dunno, runs on jelly, we might've declare war with France... *Slasher Smile*"
 * Being a callback to the last time they did a 'sensible' car test, which involved a (green) Ford Fiesta. And some terrorists. And a shopping centre. And the Marines.
 * That's no cameraman they stash in the boot. That's Ross "Ultimate Force" Kemp!
 * Episode 5: Jeremy sprays himself in the face with minicab perfume. "MY EYES!! I'M BLIND!"
 * This from Episode 7's news segment.

Series 15
"Jeremy: (in a poor German Accent) "Vorwarts!"
 * Season 15 with James' Mercedes that put first gear and reverse on backwards, making James back up when he wanted to go forward

James: (accidentally backing the car up) "Scheisse!""

"Clarkson: James, have you been working on any oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico recently?"
 * This troper as someone who's driven that exact model of car would like to testify that the gears are indeed shit.
 * Staying the night in the hotel that now occupies Colditz. Hammond and May stage their own Great Escape.
 * Clarkson's look at the Reliant Robin three-wheeler/tribute to South Yorkshire in episode 1 of Series 15. Along with James May possibly setting off the Icelandic volcano.

"May: That's because, Jeremy, the bus said "Guilford" on the front and that's where I wanted to go."
 * Especially Clarkson crashing a meeting of a Reliant Robin owner's club. Emphasis on 'crashing'.
 * Made better in the next episode, when a Reliant Robin enthusiast sends a letter claiming Clarkson's many crashes and flips are due to his being a terrible driver. The boys accept his challenge and attempt a lap around the studio track in a different Robin only to flip it on the first turn. Who was driving this time? The Stig.
 * The Caravan challenge and Jeremy proving why you shouldn't put a three story building on your car.
 * Episode 4: When Jeremy Clarkson mocks James May for not even passing a bus.

"Hammond: If you haven't noticed by now, this is Bumblebee from the Transformers movies. And any minute now it's going to stand up and throw an oil tanker at my face."
 * The British sports cars. Not just the bare-faced lying throughout the show. THAT anagram....
 * Having windows that won't shut is a safety feature in a British sports car. As well as the really uncomfortable seats that have you keep on taking breaks.
 * The Stig drives his non-British non-sports car into a car wash, and when he comes out he's underwater.
 * While Hammond is looking at muscle cars, particularly the Chevy Camaro.

"May: Well at least we know now what his real name is. (Beat) Judas Iscariot!"
 * While discussing the Stig revealing his identity (which was treated as a Face Heel Turn)


 * The Christmas episode, where Jeremy takes the lights out with the little remote control plane, so they light candles to great "romantic" effect, then Hammond lights his notes on fire, Jeremy tries to put it out but instead sets the tree on fire, and then James calmly suggest they "Pour some pussy on it." (Pussy being the name of an energy drink they'd been discussing previously.) How he managed to say that with a straight face is just BEYOND me.

Series 16
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 * Despite it eventually going well for once, most of the combine snowplow challenge ended with breaking things and/or setting them on fire.
 * Just so you know. Somebody let Jeremy put a flamethrower on back. Then let him use it.
 * And he ended up burning a sign, setting a car's hood on fire, and setting a man on fire.
 * Then there was the fact that they're in the newspaper the next morning, being called vandals. They then look around the restaurant they're in, and leave as quickly as possible.
 * Jeremy on helium.
 * James May picking up (who he thinks) is Cher in Las Vegas:

May: Er... are... are you a bloke?

Cher : Yeah."

"Hammond:: And I have never experienced a car this big and so powerful."
 * In Albania, Jeremy warned that they can't say the word "car" or "peach" because both words are slang for private parts there. Richard decides to play with this.

Series 17
"Richard: (driving a humongous military vehicle) Oh, that gap's big enough.
 * Marauder test drive in Johannesburg:


 * Crashes through wall*

Richard: Well, it is now."

"May: We really must finish.
 * Try ordering a cheeseburger in one of those bad boys.
 * In one episode, the presenters were tasked with building their own trains. Jeremy went for a "sports train" which was a Jaguar pulling a trailer while James and Richard went for four caravans being towed by an Audi. Jeremy ended up being stuck behind Hammond and May, then got involved in a Mexican Standoff with an actual train. However, one of the caravans (the buffet car) on Hammond and May's train caught fire, and then, after the passengers had fled, a passenger train smashed the rear caravan to scrap iron.
 * The demolition challenge, in which they had to take out six buildings before a trained demolition team could. In ex-military vehicles. High points included:
 * Richard Hammond firing his harpoon thingy at the roof of one building, missing, and destroying a Porta-Loo instead.
 * Clarkson losing control of his demining machine and mincing someone's car.
 * Just generally, it turns out that the Top Gear crew are better at destroying buildings when they're not trying.
 * Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you, The Interceptors!
 * Episode 5: Due to a sports broadcast, the boys have had to cut the broadcast short, to 59 minutes. As the deadline approaches, Jeremy keeps rambling...

Clarkson What are they going to do? Cut us of-"

"Continuity announcer: Well, we did warn them."
 * Even funnier in the original broadcast, since:

Series 18

 * In episode 2, Clarkson starts insisting that Hammond is actually an American because of his love of Nascar, owning a cowboy hat and boots, and putting cheese on everything among other reasons. This seems likely to become a Running Gag.
 * In the same episode, Clarkson and May go to China to look at Chinese cars and consider the claim that the Chinese are going to take over the car industry in a few years. At the end of the segment, it cuts back to the studio to reveal that the presenters have been replaced by Chinese analogues.
 * Also, the Attack Stig.
 * FENTON! FENTON! JESUS CHRIST, FENTOOON!

Overseas Specials
"James: Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to push my body to find the limit, I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that velcro thing and I hate the stupid truck."
 * From the Arctic challenge, one of the trio's guides has his face pixelated. Jeremy repeatedly remarks on the effect.
 * James May voicing the opinion of everyone who hates winter:

"Clarkson: James, what I reckon you've done there is, you've killed your friend.
 * Soon afterwards, Clarkson commenting to May that this means he's the first person to go to the North Pole who didn't want to go.
 * After Clarkson takes advantage of the lack of drink driving laws in international waters, Hammond starts referring to Clarkson and May as "Team G&T" as opposed to his own "Team Dog".
 * Let's not forget the American roadtrip episode. All of it.
 * Best of all: the Don't Get Shot Or Arrested challenge.

Clarkson: They've shot their own sign. What're they gonna do to us?

May: Here we are, Sweet Home Alabama. (Starts making ricochet noises)."

"Hammond: Hang on- That's my bag! What is my bag doing in James' tent? ...This is MY tent!!"
 * Also the African Roadtrip. OLIVER!!!!!
 * While trying to put a dead horse's head in James' tent, they end up trapped there because a hippo has come into the camp. And then...

"May: Are you sure it's not just a typical holiday romance? You'll get him home, and he'll be horrid!
 * In the episode after that, it's revealed Richard bought "Oliver" and was having "him" shipped to England. The following exchange takes place:

Clarkson: Richard. He only wants a British passport.

May: Or an MoT.

Hammond: Listen, it's real! He loves me, and he's coming home! That's a fact. [audience goes 'awwwwww'] This is happening.

Clarkson: I'm going to be sick."

"Clarkson: Is that even technically possible?!
 * "There's a man over there with the best comb over i've ever seen."
 * After Hammond sinks Oliver, he's told it's probably never going to run again. Next morning, Hammond shows up in Oliver, running better than ever. Clarkson and May are at a complete loss for words.

Hammond: Probably not."

"Clarkson: Children, if you're watching this at home, and you don't know why this is inappropriate, ask your parents."
 * The Vietnam episode. I couldn't stop laughing even after watching it a third time.
 * BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN IN THE USAAAAAAAA

"Jeremy: "
 * Becomes even more funny when one learns the song was an anti-war song that did not portray being born in the USA as a necessarily good thing.
 * However, the DVD edition uses "The Star-Spangled Banner" instead, so that makes it a little confusing.
 * Or more specifically, every single second that Jeremy Clarkson was on a motorbike.

"Clarkson: How hard can it be?
 * The Running Gag of the presenters cheering each other up with "We've bought you a present!" - which inevitably turned out to be something huge, bulky and hard to get on the back of a motorbike.
 * Although after the sheer amount of bonding and hardship they go through, they all seem to get quite depressed when their presents are subsequently ruined, and if that's really a spoiler you haven't been watching this show very long (especially James May) and so there's a quite nice scene where they try and stitch everything back together while on a train. And no, it doesn't really make sense in context either.
 * There's a good Bait and Switch moment in the latter scene where Hammond is trying to fix his damaged painting and decides to paint a car into the scene. We don't see the painting while he's working on it and are primed to expect something awful, but then it turns out he actually did quite well.
 * "Ive bought this, which is a ... a m-motorcycle."
 * "Your suit’s ready - here it is!"
 * "...James and I quite liked the snake blood vodka. And so, later that evening, we decided to make mischief with Hammond's helmet." Jeremy and James then proceed to flatten Richard's helmet, and in the morning present him with a new helmet they had bought, which is bright pink. May: "Understand Hammond that pink is the color of warriors here!" "Stop talking, stop- flapping your lips about with sound coming out of them."
 * The entire part where they have to go to driving school to enter North Vietnam.
 * "Always give way to the car from the right!" "You had a one in a hundred chance of being right, but it was in the wrong language."
 * "Jeremy Clarkson: Fail."
 * By the middle as three middle aged English men ride motorcycles through Vietnam in brightly colored suits being comical at every end you'll start to wonder when this episode of Top Gear became a very good Wes Anderson movie.
 * After learning the last part of the challenge where

Hammond: DON'T SAY THAT!"

"Clarkson [narrating]: As I sank into the ooze, my colleagues became increasingly concerned.
 * Jeremy's closing monologue, which ends with most surprising things ever to come out Jeremy's mouth: "Vietnam: You don't know, man! You weren't there!"
 * Hammond getting a buzz off coca leaves in Bolivia and chatting at double speed.
 * From the same episode, the opening moments of their first drive through the jungle, complete with dramatic music and exciting action shots, only for it to stop abruptly because Clarkson forgot his phone at the river bank. Who knew the Top Gear guys could make the act of drinking water epic?
 * Even earlier, Jeremy Clarkson sinking into the river.

Hammond [choking with laughter]: His plums are in the Amazon, look!"

"Jeremy: You really are better?
 * And right at the start, the helicopter shots, with Clarkson's narration.
 * While they're traveling across the deadliest road in the world, James, who is terrified of heights, threatens the other two with his machete if they rear-end him. Jeremy truly accidentally does, not that this stops James from sticking a machete in his throat. Hammond is in the back and you can't tell if he's scared or just generally amused.
 * At the end of special, they're about to go down the big dune that's the last obstacle of their challenge. Hammond gets out of his car to say something. As he's talking his car starts rolling down the hill (complete with a few curses) and crashes. Hammond then runs after it, yelling "The Donkey!" (his name for his modified car).
 * The Middle East Special:
 * When Hammond asks why they can't simply drive east through Iraq, Jeremy looks at him like he's a bit simple and says in the most condescending way possible- "Hammond, have you ever heard of a television program called the news??
 * Their message from the producers when they cross the border into Turkey: "You Idiots."
 * To further clarify: the boys have been worrying about being in Iraq and are happily ditching their flack jackets. The message continues: "You have just left a region where there is no war [Kurdistan] and are entering a region where there IS war [that region of Turkey.]"
 * Jeremy's Sand Door.
 * Their conversation in the desert about their roles in nativity plays.
 * Clarkson being unable to find Myrrh, so he decides to get
 * The reveal of who the baby in the manger is.
 * May getting eaten by the tow rope until you relize he's genuinely hurt.
 * The exchange when May joins them again (which also serves as Crowning Moment of Heartwarming in the usual Top Gear way):

James: Completely.

Jeremy: Who am I?

James: You're a big cock.

Richard: And who am I?

James: Irritating little sod.

Richard and Jeremy: (happily) He's better."


 * Jeremy's delusions that he's Jesus Christ in the by the Sea of Galilee. "I've invented swimming!"

Other Specials/Related Shows
"May: [to Gordon ] Are you any good at driving?"
 * It's not technically on Top Gear, but Harry and Paul's Clarkson Island Sketch is probably one of the funniest sketches...
 * Wait for iiit...
 * ...in the world.
 * This, too, is not technically Top Gear, and not really a moment, but, everything James May does on that Top Gear Meets Gordon Ramsay's The F-Word special.
 * ...in the world.
 * This, too, is not technically Top Gear, and not really a moment, but, everything James May does on that Top Gear Meets Gordon Ramsay's The F-Word special.

"May: The thing about Jeremy's shooting is that you are perfectly safe as long as you are standing right in front of the target."
 * The entire Ground Force special. However the best moments have to be the repeated destruction of James' shed, Hammond getting stuck in the concrete, Hammond's jet powered barbecue (which set the shed on fire) and Jeremy's turbocharged water feature. Which exploded, firing off the top bit which predictably took out the green house which happened to be the one thing that actually worked.
 * The Winter Olympics episode. Any given challenge (which can be said for the show as a whole), but the biathlon just starts things off. Jeremy Clarkson. Enough said.


 * When he has to do the shooting a second time, he claims to know how to fold the seats away, as he has one at home. He winds up having to call his wife for help.
 * And then, once he gets around to the shooting, he claims to have learned his lesson from last time. After his attempt to apply More Dakka with a MP5 submachine gun on full auto, it's revealed that
 * From the Australian version: Ewen Page did a review of the Volvo S60, a car with marketing that claims it's "naughty enough to whip the Germans". Naturally, when the time came to test this the first German car used was a Porsche 911 Turbo S . When this proved significantly superior, they reached for a vehicle that the Volvo had a reasonable chance of beating - a post-WWII Messerschmitt pedal car which trundled down the track accompanied by jangly piano music. Having given it quite a significant head start, the Volvo cruised past in reverse, with Ewen Page waving cheerfully out of the window.

Unsorted (please help!)
"Tank Crewman: He's turning in circles, the little * beep* !"
 * In an earlier news section, the conversation leads to the suggestion that all animals be removed from the countryside and put into the cities, followed by a discussion about the price of bull sperm. It really has to be seen to be believed.
 * "You've given me the baby, now get in the back." The only thing keeping Clarkson from literally ROFLing was probably his back.
 * The best part is that everybody's mind goes there at approximately the same time as Jeremy's and the audience cracks up again.
 * The reason you shouldn't put a motorcycle on the Cool Wall..
 * The airport vehicles race, in which the driver of a catering truck forgets about the laws of physics and rolls his vehicle. Also, there's a "no contact" restriction. Guess what happens.
 * "I have NOT had my teeth done!"
 * The name of the HMS Carbon Khazi.
 * When Jeremy turns a car demonstration into a snuff film when he GOES AFTER THE CAMERA CREW. There's then a screen card that says something to the effect of "Due to Compliance issues with the BBC it is now illegal to involve camera crews in stunts".
 * One from an episode where Jeremy pits a Range Rover against a tank. During the challenge, he starts leading the tank around a bush (complete with waltzing music), prompting this line from one of the crew.

"Jeremy: ...I'm not quite sure how to sum it up, but they're the sort of person who'd go away for the weekend with his wife to a hotel, some romantic place, and spend the entire night flirting outrageously with the waitress, and it's okay because he's got a Jaaaaag.
 * The Stig falls asleep on a roller coaster.
 * During the Iceland episode: Clarkson referring to Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev as "Reaganchev" and "Gorben" respectively.
 * Whenever you hear May yell "CLARKSON!" you know that one of these is either about to happen, is happening now, or has happened.
 * Whenever May yells "Mayday!" during a challenge.
 * The team talking trash about Jaguar owners.

Richard: Yeah, you can get away with anything. "I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog..." "Oh!!" "...in my Jaaaag." "Oh, well, never mind."

James: Is it fair to say, do you think, that no Jag owner is ever entirely trustworthy, but it's in a really nice, likeable way?"


 * The "Master of the Universe" segment from 2003. It was mainly villains (with the exception of the 6th Doctor), and it went alright... up until it was the Dalek's' turn to drive around the test track. Upon examining it and seeing only humanoids could operate it... well, EXTERMINATE. Only a couple had left the area and were spared.
 * The only sentence James can say in German is "Naturally Heins is wet. He's standing under a waterfall."
 * "My epiglottis is full of bees!" Now Wiktionary's use in a sentence for epiglottis.