"The Reason You Suck" Speech/Live Action TV

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  • Manipulative Bastard Adam Monroe, one of the principal villains of Heroes, caps off the final episode of Season 2 with a magnificent diatribe against humanity's petty nature, successfully arguing in the process that Hiro Nakamura, the man who has come to stop him, effectively turned him into the man he is today.
    • In the later seasons these start to become a signature move of supervillain Sylar, as he often hands one out to the other characters before killing them or simply to screw around with them. Presumably this is a function of his original power of understanding how things (and people) work, combined with his acquired ability to learn a person's memories through touch.
      • Sylar gets one of these himself from Hiro Nakamura in Volume 5, where Hiro travels to the past, has a showdown with Season 1 Sylar, and finally tells him his fate: "You will collect a lot of powers. You will kill many people. You will become strong. The strongest of them all. But in the end, it won't make any difference. We all gather to stop you. You're alone. No one will mourn your death. No one will shed a tear. No one."
      • He also gives a reason WE suck to speech to Elle calling them both "damaged goods that will never change"
    • Samuel, channeling a bit of Adam Monroe, delivers a diatribe of his own against humanity about their inability to accept evolved humans into society towards a waitress in a restaurant in the town near his carnival, right before he drops the entire town into a big sinkhole.
  • In the Star Trek: The Next Generation ep "Best of Both Worlds", the Borg, by way of Locutus, delivered a chilling one to Commander Riker after the Enterprise's first attempt to stop them. "Your resistance is hopeless, (mocking Riker) Number One." It's almost as if the Borg were going to laugh in their faces, if they were the laughing types.
    • Quite a few Trek villains have cunning put-downs for humanity. The worst was Q telling Picard that humanity had been found to be "a grievously savage child race". Even though it came from a fictional character, it still stung.
      • It's not just villains who insult humanity. Riker asks a transdimensional alien why there is no record of his kind visiting humanity before. The alien actually laughs and says, "What arrogance. There's no record of us visiting you because we haven't before... It's only in the last hundred years that you've become of some interest of study." Ouch.
    • Let's not forget the one that Picard gives to Wesley at the Academy after he learns Wesley is lying to cover up an accident:

"The first duty of every Starfleet officer is to the truth, whether it's scientific truth or historical truth or personal truth! It is the guiding principle on which Starfleet is based! If you can't find it within yourself to stand up and tell the truth about what happened, you don't deserve to wear that uniform!"

  • DS9's "Afterimage"' features rogue Cardassian Garak delivering a cutting put-down to Ezri Dax concerning her perceived failure to live up to her predecessor's legacy, ending with "Now, get out of here... before I say something unkind."
    • And before that, in "The Wire", Garak lambasts Bashir for his perceived naivete and superior attitude.
    • Interestingly turned on its head in the final episode, where Garak gives a Reason I Suck Speech, condemning his entire race for their "history of arrogant oppression."
    • Quark gets in a good one on humanity, pointing out that while humans think they're better than the Ferengi, the Ferengi have no history of slavery or world war or other such pleasantries.

Quark: See we're nothing like you. We're better.

      • One wonders what his mother would have to say about that assertion.
    • Sisko gets a good one on then-Vedek Winn in the first-season finale. She's trying to raise a stink about Keiko O'Brien not teaching a religious interpretation of the wormhole, and denounces the Federation as, basically, godless heathens. Sisko responds by giving up the entire station as an example of how Bajorans do not feel that way, then tells her that, for all her hate-mongering, people will soon forget it ever happened and go on with their lives. Winn can't even form a good comeback other than "We'll see." The whole thing turned out to be a Batman Gambit to assassinate a political rival, of course, but Sisko still owned her.
    • When Sisko heads to Earth to investigate possible Changeling infiltration, one of them comes right up to him to have a chat. He explains that they're caused so much chaos with only four infiltrators, then goes on to boast that the Founders won't lose because they don't fear their enemy, unlike the Federation.
  • The Ori of Stargate SG-1 actually rehearsed and perfected their "We're the Ori, you're the dummies, and we will rule you for your own good" speech with every planet they conquered. What made it worse is that for a while there, they really did seem unstoppable. And unlike the gasbags called the Gou'ald, the Ori really made it seem like they were doing it for everybody else's good.
  • Malcolm in the Middle: Malcolm is subjected to one of these by a girl on whom he has a crush. After pestering her for hours as to why she likes some relatively unintelligent guy and not him, she sort of breaks down and explodes at him.
    • In a later episode, another girl he likes, though he was actually dating her at the time, explodes at him for genuinely making her despise him for being far too whiny and never listening to anything she says.
    • Another episode had Reese and Malcolm desperately trying to get into a party. After they fail, they desperately shout "WHY DON'T YOU LIKE US?!?". One scene transition later, Reese and Malcolm are okay and say that "they had some strong points".
    • Lois of all people gets one at the hands of a snarky RA who calls her out for being a possessive, smothering loser who even forced her way onto her son's college visit, to the point of sleeping in his room with him.
    • Lois also gives one to her oldest son, Fransis, for constantly blaming her for everything that goes wrong in his life, and never owning up to his part at all. In the end, he takes a long, hard look in the mirror... and blames his wife, for not pointing this out to him sooner.
  • Doctor Who, "Journey's End". Just before Davros detonates the Reality Bomb to destroy all kinds of matter in all universes, he stops to taunt the Doctor, pointing out that he turns his companions into weapons, and that hundreds have died for him, and yet he still has failed.

Davros: The man who abhors violence, never carrying a gun. But this is the truth, Doctor. You take ordinary people and you fashion them into weapons. Behold your Children of Time transformed into murderers. How many have died in your name? The Doctor, the man who keeps on running, never looking back because he dare not, out of shame. This is my final victory, Doctor. I have shown you yourself. Stand witness, Time Lord; Stand witness, humans: Your strategies have failed, your weapons are useless, and... oh, the end of the universe has come!

    • Even though, as typical of villain arguments, it glosses over all the good, he had a fair point. It's even brought up again in a much later episode... by Rory Pond of all people. What's truly dangerous about the Doctor isn't that he makes people want to die for his cause (he can't control that, not without the consequences being even worse anyway) but because he makes them want to impress him. The Doctor can't control who chooses to die for him but he's fully aware of how much he shows off.

Rory: You know what's dangerous about you? It's not that you make people take risks, it's that you make them want to impress you. You make it so they don't want to let you down. You have no idea how dangerous you make people to themselves when you're around.

      • This particular example is given some Hypocritical Humor value later in the same episode when Rory ends up insisting that he be allowed to stay and help the Doctor face the dangers of that week's villain's plot. Given the guilt-trip he'd explicitly laid on the Doctor for precisely this sort of thing earlier, and given that the Doctor had clearly taken it on board and explicitly told his companions to go back to the TARDIS where they'd be safe, the Doctor is a little bit annoyed at Rory, but there's no time to argue.
    • One of the angstiest moments in old school Who was at the climax of "The Curse of Fenric": the seventh Doctor is forced to crush Ace's faith in him with a particularly nasty speech in order to make his plan pay off. He apologizes afterwards.

Fenric: Time for the one final game. The choice is yours, Time Lord. I shall kill you anyway, but if you would like the girl to live, kneel before me.

Ace: I believe in you, Professor.

Fenric: Kneel, if you want the girl to live!

The Doctor: ...Kill her.

Fenric: The Time Lord finally understands.

The Doctor: Do you think I didn't know? The chess set in Lady Peinforte's study. I knew.

Fenric: Earlier than that, Time Lord. Before Cybermen, ever since Ice World. Where you first met the girl.

The Doctor: I knew. I knew she carried the evil inside her. Do you think I'd have chosen a social misfit if I hadn't known? She couldn't even pass her chemistry exams at school, and yet she manages to create a time storm in her bedroom. I saw your hand in it from the very beginning.

Ace: No...

The Doctor: You're an emotional cripple. I wouldn't waste my time on her, unless I had to use her somehow.

Ace: No!

    • In "Cold Blood" of NuWho, the Doctor delivers one to the woman who tortured a sentient dinosaur to death and tries to destroy their civilization, thereby destroying peace talks and igniting a war between humanity and the other race. Every interaction he has with her for the rest of the show is essentially him telling her what a horrible person she is.

When you talk about this, you tell people we had a chance, but you are so much less than the best of humanity!

      • At least until the final minutes, where he responds to him saving her life despite this by stating "An eye for an eye... is not the right way." Then he advises her to ensure her son and future generations know that she was wrong, giving her a proper chance at redemption.
    • In The Lazarus Experiment to a mutated Richard Lazarus:

The Doctor: You can't control it, the mutation's too strong. Killing those people won't help you. You're a fool. A vain old man who thought he could defy nature, only nature got her own back, didn't she? You're a joke, Lazarus! A footnote in the history of failure!

  • Dr. House has patented these. So much so that at the end of season 3, two thirds of his staff quit on him.
    • House also recieves an epic one from Jack Moriarty, aka his own subconcious in the Season 2 finale.
  • Willow gives one to Faith in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when the latter is holding her at knife-point.

Willow: Faith, wait. I wanna talk to you.
Faith: Oh yeah? Give me the speech again, please. "Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo. Poor you. You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big selfish, worthless waste.

    • Also, much more simply, after Faith challenges Buffy with the old classic "You think you're better than me!"

Buffy: I am. Always have been.

Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad? You suck.

    • Also, Buffy gives one to the potentials in the episode "Get it Done". Anya even lampshades it later.

Anya: You missed her "everyone sucks but me" speech. If she's so superior, let her find her own way back

    • Xander gives one to Buffy in "When She Was Bad" when her unwillingness to work with the group leads to everyone but Xander being kidnapped:

Xander:I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of now, I officially don't care. If you had worked with us for five seconds, you could have stopped this.

"You're such a hypocrite. Waltzing in here with your borrowed magicks. So you can tell me what? Magic's bad? Behave? Be a good girl? (chuckles) Well, I ... I don't think you're in any position to be telling me what to do. (camera pans up to show Giles pinned to the ceiling)

  • Happens quite often on Angel. It makes sense when it comes from someone like Wolfram & Hart, or another of Angel's old enemies. But they can even come from a source as unlikely an insectoid priest who lives in another dimension, who started taunting Angel about how Angel's son will never appreciate him.
    • Another one of these speeches comes in "Conviction." Angel has stopped the bad guy of the week, a soldier working for Wolfram and Hart. The soldier says that all of his evil deeds were done simply because he likes being evil, but then points out that at least he believes in something. Angel, he is saying, has no real beliefs, and is just "going through the motions" (as Buffy sings about in her musical episode) without any real reason to want to do good.

Soldier: You pathetic little fairy.
Angel: I'm not little.

Soldier: That's exactly what you are. You're miniscule. A dust mote on the shelf of that great institution. Now, you think I'm just a trigger-happy jerk who follows orders. But I'm something that you'll never be: I'm pure. I believe in evil. You and your friends, you're conflicted. You're confused. We're not. That's why you're going to lose. Because we possess the most powerful thing in the world: conviction.

Angel: There's one thing more powerful than conviction. Just one: mercy.

[Angel kicks his gun causing the soldier to shoot himself]

Other Soldier: What happened to mercy?

Angel: [walking off] You just saw the last of it.

    • In Destiny, Spike gives one to Angel after defeating him in battle, explaining that Angel only does good when he has a soul, a soul forced on him as a curse. Spike was willing to do good even without a soul, and even then, he eventually fought to get one because he wanted to be a good person again.
    • Of course, Angel also poked holes in that speech and gave him a speech - which, just like Spike's speech, was essentially fan opinions used by shippers in the great Spike/Angel war.
  • In The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Cromartie actually delivers one of these to Sarah after he captures her in "Mr. Ferguson Is Ill Today," explaining how she screwed up and how he managed to find her, and throws in a few jabs at Cameron and John for good measure.
  • In Boston Legal, Alan comes up in trial against Jerry Espenson, a lawyer previously at Alan's firm who has Asperger's, and has been working on it through a variety of techniques. In the trial, he uses a wooden cigarette to relax and turns into a brash, arrogant (but very good) lawyer. Without it, he's a bumbling, hopping, purring, squealing man who never takes his hands off his thighs (thus the nickname "Hands" Espenson), who is a better lawyer. In a break in the trial, Jerry gives Alan a "This is why I'll win" speech, and Alan beats it with this:

Alan: Here's the problem with your theory, Jerry. As plausible as it sounds now, you and I both know that when you actually get up to give your closing, you're "Hands" Espenson. Chewing on a silly wooden cigarette isn't going to distract you from the reality that you have very little trial experience, that you're scared to death just to be in the room, and as able as you might be to fool others or even yourself, I know what you are. And knowing that I know, feeling my stare upon you, you'll be utterly reduced to an ineffective, bumbling, inarticulate man with Asperger's, because that's what you are, Jerry.

    • Jerry drops the cigarette, grabs his stuff, his hands go back to being pressed to his thighs and he runs out of the corridor, hopping on the way out, which makes him a massive Woobie.
    • Could also count as a What the Hell, Hero?, seeing as Jerry is one of just two people that Alan considers a friend. Immediately afterwards, Alan is remorseful and the consequences of his words are felt for the next few episodes.
  • In Scrubs, Dr. Cox is somewhat famous for delivering these to J.D. Other characters do this on occasion as well to a variety of different people, from patients to superior doctors to interns to... well, anyone, depending on who needs it.
    • A very good example.
    • Another example.
    • J.D. himself gets a great one when the others are bitching about their relationship problems and he puts them into perspective. May double as a Tear Jerker when he starts going on about how lonely.
      • And let's not forget when he rips his big brother apart in a speech that more or less makes Dan a) run away choking down tears and b) turn his life around 180°.
    • And his first episode, Derek delivers one to Carla, Cox, JD and Turk.
    • Jordan does a decent one at the end of Season 1, spilling the secrets of everyone in the group.
  • Andy's monologue from the end of the Extras Christmas special, which sums up all of the show's themes about celebrity culture and turns into a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming at the end ("I'd be the penguin").
  • Julia Sugarbaker of Designing Women delivers one about every other episode.
  • The Evil Queen of The Tenth Kingdom gives a whole series of these to Virginia in her Magic Mirror room, but the most memorable occurs just before she compares their beauty in one of the mirrors and tries to strangle her:

Evil Queen: "You were unwanted, that's plain to see. Haven't you always known that, secretly? That you were the ugly duckling. And now you've given yourself delusions of grandeur, thinking you were capable of great things. But no... you were right in the first place. You are plain. Plain and ugly."

  • On Supernatural it happens quite often to Dean Winchester.
    • Most brutally played in the season 5 episode Dark Side of the Moon with Dean's mother (only not really).
      • Death gives one of these to Dean every time they meet (and do they ever put Dean in his place).
  • In the pilot of Big Time Rush, after Gustavo ignores Kelly's advice to give the boys a break and tries to make them sing, Kendall accidentally causes a fight between him and the other three boys using fruit water and pillows. This results in Gustavo scolding them saying that they lack any potential whatsoever:

Gustavo: (to Carlos) YOU... can't sing. (to Logan) YOU... can't sing, OR dance!
Logan: But I can backflip.
Gustavo: Stop it!
Logan: Okay.
Gustavo: Forever.
Logan: Mm-hmm.
Gustavo: (looks at James, but says nothing and moves to Kendall) And worst of all, you don't even seem to WANT this! (Kendall coughs up feathers)
James: What about me? I sing, dance, and I want this.
Gustavo: You... remind me a lot of Matthew McConaughey.
James: Awesome.
Gustavo: I CAN'T STAND MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY! So, this group can't sing, can't dance, they don't have a song, or a look, and they're COVERED... IN FEATHERS! And I would rather quit-RIGHT NOW!-than commit pop suicide on Friday in front of the record company!

Minelli: You know, for 8 years, I've put up with the idiotic questions of the media, and I've never said squat. But today, I must tell you Meredith, you've really set a new standard in horse's-assery. You people have no ...concept ... of what we do. We go into dark, horrible places, alone and afraid. And we do it with no money, broken down vehicles, with computers that have more viruses than a $10 whore. How? Good people. And I lost 3 good people today, and a fourth is in critical condition. And you ask me how I'm feeling? I'm feeling sad, you moron. Any other questions? (silence) Okay then, good day to you. Lisbon, carry on.

"You are a pompous fool, you have no respect for the stage. You have no business working in the theatre. You slaughter the text, you fill the stage with animals, you're just an all-round goof."

  • In the season 6 premiere of Lost, the Monster gives such a speech about the recently deceased Locke to Ben, taunting his hope for destiny and purpose, indirectly making fun of Ben's uselessness in the process, and (intentionally) enraging all of the viewers who have put so much faith in Locke over the years.

The Monster: "Do you want to know what he was thinking when you choked him, Benjamin? What the last thought that ran through his head was? I don't understand. Isn't that just the saddest thing you ever heard? But it's fitting in a way because when John first came to the island he was a very sad man, a victim shouting at the world for being told what he couldn't do, even though they were right. He was weak and pathetic and irreparably broken."

    • "But- there was something admirable about him".
      • Locke has received so many of these, it's not even funny.

Ben: "I feel for you, John. I really do. You keep heading dead ends. You couldn't find the cabin, you can't make contact with Jacob and now you are so desperate to figure out what to do next you are even asking me for help. So, here we are, just like old times. Except I'm locked in a different room, and you're more lost than you ever were."
Jack: "Have you ever stopped to think that maybe these delusions that you are special aren't real? That maybe there is nothing special about you at all? That maybe you are just a lonely old man who crashed on an island?"
Sawyer: "Locke was scared even when he was pretending he wasn't."
Kate: "I think about you sometimes. I think about how desperate you were to stay on that Island. And then I realized... it was all because you didn't love anybody."
Richard: "Over, uh, twenty years ago, a man named John Locke, he walked right into our camp. And he told me that he was going to be our leader. Now I've gone off the Island three times, to visit him. But he never seemed particularly special to me."

  • In "H.O.U.S.E. Rules", a season 1 episode of the sci-fi comedy Eureka, resident smug snake Nathan Stark gets one in against idealistic super genius Henry Deacon when he tells him "People like you don't get to do what you do unless people like me do what I do. Idealist don't get much done without a few realists running interference for them. So get off your moral high horse."
  • Red Dwarf does these constantly throughout the series. The vast majority are aimed at Arnold Judas Rimmer; but each major character gets targetted with at least one, including latecomer Kochanski.
    • "Time Slides" has a distraught and disillusioned Lister blasting through a list of reasons he's sick of his fellow crew members—the vast majority aimed at and said to Rimmer, including, "...the fact that you always smile when you're being insulted."
    • Rimmer does something similar in "Out Of Time", when he appoints himself Morale Officer for the crew. This seems to involve walking up to each of them and yelling at them a lengthy list of things about them that annoy him. Works for him, anyway.
    • In "Terrorform", when asked why he would have such a massive sense of self-loathing, Kryten goes on for nearly a minute detailing in an impersonal and analytical manner on why anyone would dislike Rimmer (and only goes through half the list).
    • Turned Up to Eleven by Kryten in the episode "Justice", when he builds a case around proving Rimmer innocent of manslaughter. by virtue of being so absolutely incompetent that if he was actually placed in a position where he could cause a disaster, the real blame would lie with whoever was moronic enough to give him that job in the first place. He succeeds in winning Rimmer a full reprieve.

Kryten: "This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment."

    • Rimmer gives one of these to the Cat in "DNA", prompting the response, "You've just listed all of my best features!"
    • On of the most epic uses of this trope occurs in "The Inquisitor". Not only do nearly all of the gang get them from each other; but, via the titular Inquisitor, they each get a "The Reason You Suck" Speech from themselves. Interestingly, Rimmer and Cat prove themselves worthy of survival by, respectively, arguing that "suck" is a step up from where he started, and proving as shallow in giving the speech as receiving it. Lister tries to ignore the charges entirely, and Kryten attempts a Shut UP, Hannibal, both only serving to piss off the Inquisitor.

The Inquisitor (as Arnold Rimmer): "It's a bit metaphysical, I know; but it's the only fair way.

  • In Life On Mars, Sam Tyler gives a good one to the woman who—on orders from a local gangster—led him into a 'honey trap' to neutralize him as a threat and then made the mistake of taunting him about it.

Sam: You're a loser, Joni... or whatever your name is. Because you live in fear. And that's not really living at all, is it? See, I don't live in fear. I'm alive.

    • Gene Hunt gives Sam quite a tongue-in-cheek one:

Gene: You great, soft, sissy, girly, nancy, French, bender, Man. Utd supporting poof!

  • Sid gives Tony one of these in the first series of Skins, basically telling him that Tony's sociopathic behaviour means Sid has lost all respect for him, he has no friends and even Effy (the only person Tony cares about) isn't returning his phone calls.
  • In The Wonder Years, Kevin gives a crushing blow to Wayne when one of Wayne's pranks goes too far and he accidentally sucks up the class hamster in the vacuum cleaner:

Kevin: You want to know why Angela wouldn't come over?!
Wayne: Shut up!
Kevin: Because she doesn't like you, Wayne!
Wayne: Shut up!
Kevin: She doesn't - nobody does!
Wayne: Shut up!
Kevin: No! You may be bigger than me, and stronger than me. But you know what, Wayne? I have friends! Nobody likes you, Wayne! You're just mean, to everybody, all the time, because... nobody likes you! You're pathetic!

  • In Private Practice, Cooper gives one of these in a speech to his live-in girlfriend. And it was harsh. He called her a "sex toy I got online", tells her she's heartless, bitchy, mercenary, and has daddy issues. And that's how Cooper became a Jerkass.
  • Throughout The Twilight Zone episode "The Masks," the dying millionaire has been quietly insulting his greedy family; however, close to the end of his Becoming the Costume plot, he delivers an impressive rant against them before dying and leaving them horribly disfigured by their masks.

Emily Harper: Why must you always say such miserable, cruel things to me?
Jason Foster: Why indeed, Emily, because you're cruel and miserable people! Because none of you respond to love! Emily responds only to what her petty hungers dictate! Wilfred responds only to things that have weight and bulk and value! He feels books, he doesn't read them! He appraises paintings, he doesn't seek out their truth or their beauty! And Paula there lives in a mirror; the world is nothing more to her than a reflection of herself. And her brother... Humanity, to him, is a small animal, caught in a trap, to be tormented! His pleasure is the giving of pain, and from this he receives the same sense of fulfillment most human beings get from a kiss or an embrace! You're caricatures, all of you! Even without your masks, you're caricatures!

  • The MASH season one episode "Sticky Wicket" offers this gem:

Hawkeye Pierce: You think you're the only one who's busy. You asked for help three times today, three! Give me some salt, I can still taste this. Then when you make a mistake, you're not smart enough to admit it and start over. We're not here to compensate for you.
Trapper John McIntyre: I'll buy that.
Frank Burns: Well, I don't buy it.
Margaret Houlihan: Neither do I.
Trapper John: It's a tie, two against fifty.
Hawkeye: You're inconsiderate, insulting with your nurses, bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting, and dumb. And those are you good points. You're also surgically incompetent. I wouldn't let you operate on me for dandruff!

  • Being the kind of show that it is, you wouldn't be surprised to find examples from Battlestar Galactica here. But consider the Number One Cylon model's utter contempt for humanity summed up with this unforgettable rant.

Number One: I don't want to be human! I want to see gamma rays! I want to hear X-rays! And I want to - I want to smell dark matter! Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can't even express these things properly because I have to - I have to conceptualize complex ideas in this stupid limiting spoken language! But I know I want to reach out with something other than these prehensile paws! And feel the solar wind of a supernova flowing over me! I'm a machine! And I can know much more! I can experience so much more. But I'm trapped in this absurd body! And why? Because my five creators thought that "God" wanted it that way!

Keats: You think you're so special. So clever. So needed. So damned right. You fooled everyone into believing in you. And I have the horrible, unpopular job of showing the world what you really are. The things you've done? Oh, they won't want to believe it. Because they love you. They think they know you, and they'll hate me for it. But in the end, they will see. As sad as it will be for them, they will see. I know what you did, three years ago. I know.
Gene: So you're gonna bring me down? Why're you telling me that?
Keats: See, that's what's ironic. You can't leave here, no matter what happens. This place defines you, which means you're going to have to sit here and watch me close your little kingdom forever. And you're left with a scrap heap. I just hope I can help Alex before it's too late.

  • In an episode of The League of Gentlemen Ross gives one to Pauline thinly disguised as a Reason You Can't Have This Job Speech during a mock interview:

You strike me as a bully; you're ill-mannered, ignorant and foul mouthed. You're not qualified for this job. And apart from anything else - you're too old. Miss.

  • Occurs every now and then on Rescue Me. Most of them are directed at protagonist Tommy Gavin, given by his angered wife, extended family, firehouse brothers, and even the dead.
  • In The Outer Limits episode, Heart's Desire, an alien arrives at the Wild West and gives four outlaws superpowers. Naturally, all but one get themselves killed due to fighting amongst themselves, though the survivor was more moral and level-headed than the others, and only fought in self-defense. The alien tells the survivor that Humans Are the Real Monsters and takes away his powers before disappearing:

The fate of a world isn't determined by its best examples, but by its worst. It takes a few to destroy the many, especially when even the best of you can be dragged down into the mire. Judging from your example, brother against brother, friend against friend, you people have such a potential for violence, sheer, unvarnished wickedness, I've got every confidence you'll destroy yourself before you build your first inter-stellar engine. We've got nothing to fear from you.

  • Roger Sterling puts down Pete Campell in a rather epic way on Mad Men.

"I want you to be very clear about this: You were fired. I wanted you out. Cooper wanted you out. And you would be, if it weren't for this man. [motions to Don] He thought you deserved another chance. That's right. He fought for you. You are here because of Don Draper's largess. Now, I know that your generation went to college instead of serving, so I'll illuminate you. This man is your commanding officer. You live and die in his shadow. Understood?"

    • What makes this speech all the better is that Roger is lying through his teeth. In fact, he was the one who had to explain to Draper that Campbell has Ultimate Job Security due to his family connections, but the key to managing Campbell is to make sure he never realizes it.
    • Joan has a truly epic one at the end of "Mystery Date" in which she finally tells her husband off for raping her -- three seasons after it happened.

You're not a good man. You never were, even before we were married. And you know what I'm talking about.

  • Happened twice in That '70s Show. Kitty bashed Laurie with a very simple sentence: "You're a brat, you're goofing off in college and you're mean to your brother". Then there was the time Eric chewed out two jocks who broke the tap of the beer keg they were gonna use for a party.
  • In the How I Met Your Mother episode "The Goat" in Season 3, Ted gives one to Barney after he sleeps with Robin (who was his girlfriend in Season 2):

Ted: You think that this is just about Robin? This is about... You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. I mean, some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I always thought I was the limit.
Ted: You're always spouting off these rules for bros. Isn't one of them, "don't do this"?
Barney: Yeah. And I broke it. I'm sorry. But, Ted...seriously, this suite at the Bellagio...
Ted: I am not going to Vegas with you! I'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend, and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. The fact that you think I would... (Beat) You know, Barney, earlier this week, I started putting things in a box, and that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore."
Barney: What does that mean?
Ted: It means...maybe you belong in that box.
Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

Bob Barker's not your father! You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host is your real father, and he's not! You were abandoned, Barney! You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it, and so now you never allow yourself to feel anything, and that's how you survive in this corporate world, and if I keep heading down this path, I'm gonna turn into you!

    • Ted gave the other four a truly epic one in "False Positive" after they all decided to make mature, life-changing decisions, then blew them off in favor of cowardly or selfish choices instead:

Ted: Are you kidding me?!? [to Marshall and Lily] All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now! I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO! [to Barney] And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list. [to Robin] And YOU, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. (takes out coin) So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. (flips coin into Robin's face) Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!
(everyone flees in terror, Ted's phone rings)
Punchy (on the phone): Ted I can't get married!
Ted: YES YOU CAN YOU LOVE HER!

Punchy: You're right I do, thanks Ted!

  • 90% of Sue Sylvester's dialogue. The one she gives her mother in episode 2x08 is particularly epic and scathing, though.
    • In "Original Song", Rachel thinks that this is what Quinn is giving her regarding their Love Triangle with Finn, although, listening to the speech itself, it is painfully clear that Quinn has infact realized what tiny people she and Finn is going to be in comparison to Rachel.

Quinn: Do you want to know how this story plays out? I get Finn, you get heart-broken. And then Finn and I stay here and start a family. I'll become a successful real estate agent, and Finn will take over Kurt's dads tire shop. You don't belong here Rachel, and you can't hate me for helping to send you on your way.
Rachel: I am not giving up on Finn. It is not ov...

Quinn: Yes it is! You are so frustrating! And that is why you can't write a good song; because you live in this little school girl fantasy of life. Rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never going to get it right!

    • Emma finally standing up for herself, and verbally bitch-slapping Schuester in front of the entire staff.

Will: Emma, can I talk to you in private?
Emma: No, you can't. Will, we're going to talk about this here and now, because I have absolutely nothing to hide. Actually, did you know I was seeing a therapist? Do you know that? Did you know I've been trying to work through my OCD so I could be with you? Will, do you think that's fun for me? It's not fun, it's absolutely humiliating. And come to find out you've been fooling around with some woman named Shelby, and you slept with April Rhodes.
Will: How did you find out about that?
Emma: You're not denying it. Wow, okay. See, I thought we were trying to work through this. I thought when you said you were trying to figure out things on your own, I really thought you meant that. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down, and I'm finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut. Everybody should know that. And you should know that I'm through with you.

    • In "I Am Unicorn", Will finally puts Quinn in her place when she tries to blame Glee Club for "ruining" her life:

Will: You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long are you planning on playing the victim card? Since day one, you've done nothing but sabotage the same Glee club that's been there for you over and over again! When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out... You know, Mercedes even let you live in her house! And I don't recall ever hearing so much as a 'thank you'. Tonight, you're a train wreck. Well, congratulations. But you stride into my office and tell me it's MY fault? Well, then I have something to say to you... Grow up.

    • Kurt standing up to Karofsky in "Never Been Kissed"

Kurt: You going to hit me? Do it.
Karofsky: Do not push me.
Kurt: Hit me, because it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
Karofsky: Get out of my face!
Kurt: You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!

    • "Mash-Off" has four speeches - one from Santana to Finn, calling him a fat, untalented failure. Finn then shoots right back, calling her a self-hating bitch. Later, Shelby then chews out Quinn for her psychotic behavior in trying to get her baby back, and Quinn calls Shelby a whore.
    • "Kissed a Girl" was chock full of them! Puck has one to Quinn, after she invites him over to "not watch a movie." He calls her out, saying, paraphrased:

Puck: I used to be really into you, I thought you were hot, and like, the coolest girl in the entire school. But now, I see otherwise. You're not as hot, you might just be the most selfish person I've ever met, and you're kinda nuts.

      • He has another one, to Shelby, calling her out for being to scared to start a relationship with him. Granted, she's a teacher, and he's a student, but it still counts.
      • In a truly epic example, the entire femme population of the Glee Club and the Trouble Tones call out this guy who's hitting on Santana in the hopes of "straightening her out" and then proceed to jump into Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl."
  • In the Farscape episode "Durka Returns," Rygel finally manages to deliver one of these to his old torturer.

Rygel: Durka, you are pathetic. Look at you: salivating at the chance to maim and kill someone who can't even defend herself. Foaming at the mouth like a sick trelkez. Pathetic.
Durka: Why Rygel, what's this?
Rygel: Something I should have said to you a long time ago.
Durka: Yet you didn't. I was going to save you for a bargaining tool. But now I'm wondering... do you think your shipmates would really care if I just burnt your face right off?
Rygel: Go ahead and find out- I don't care... because the all-powerful Durka is a failure. It's the truth, Durka! You tortured me without mercy, but you never broke me! You only made me stronger! And even if you kill me, I'll be laughing at you because the last thing I'll think of is you on Nebari Prime for another 100 cycles, being ground back down into nothing!

  • Scott delivers a minor one to Shifter in Power Rangers RPM just before destroying him.

Scott: You thought you could escape, but I tracked you down. All your Attack Bots failed, and then your Hyper Bot was destroyed. Then you tried to control me, and even that didn't work! This is the end of the line for you, Shifter.

    • Earlier in RPM ("Doctor K"), Tenaya 7 says this to Dr. K, hiding away in her lab, causing the normally emotionless scientist to angrily fire her sound cannon:

Tenaya 7: [Whistling "The Farmer in the Dell"] You pride yourself on how smart you are, don't you? But you still royally messed up, didn't you?

Rita Repulsa: Oh, Lord Zedd, give me another chance! I will not fail again!
Lord Zedd: QUIET! Those Power Rangers were nothing but mere infants! You were defeated by children! You dare call yourself the Empress of Evil? You are not fit to destroy a cockroach!

    • The soundtrack/Rock Adventure distills this somewhat, but it's no less awesome (especially since it's done during Zedd's Leitmotif:

Rita Repulsa: I will not fail again!
Lord Zedd: QUIET! Those Power Rangers were nothing but mere infants! You were defeated by children! You dare call yourself the Empress of Evil? You have made me very angry! Your days of control are over! There will be no other chances!
Rita Repulsa: Can't we talk?!
'Lord Zedd: SILENCE! I have spoken.

  • Stephen Franklin to himself at the end of his walkabout on Babylon 5. Bonus points for it doubling as a Rousing Speech.
  • Oz: Wilson Loewen to Vern Schillinger.

Loewen: Oh, yeah, is that right, huh? Well, from what I hear, the Aryans in Oswald are a sorry bunch. That guy who saved me from choking, Beecher. I hear you've been trying to airhole him for about six fucking years and all you have to show for it is that little scar above your eye there.
Schillinger: I did have his son killed. And his father.
Loewen: What are you, an idiot? Saying shit like that out loud? You know, Vernie, I've got to tell you I never thought you were the brightest bulb in the chandelier. You always had this huge ego with nothing to back it up. You always had these big plans with no balls behind them. Shit. If it weren't for your daddy, I wouldn't have given you the time of fucking day. You're an embarrassment to the brotherhood.

    • Beecher and Schillinger get at least two a season.
    • Hill gives a big one to Burr Redding: "Bullshit! The fact of the matter is, I wouldn't be in Oz, I wouldn't be in this chair, if you had only let me have the fucking paper route!"
  • On All My Children, Janet Green, fed up with the way the people of Pine Valley have been treating her ever since her release from prison, starts off one of these with "You self-righteous, sanctimonious bunch of HYPOCRITES!, then proceeds to truthfully point out that nearly every single one of them has done something despicable, yet they have all been forgiven or given forgiveness and are now pillars of the community, all the while showing little to no remorse for their actions nor making efforts at making amends to the people they hurt, whereas she has been bending over backwards trying to redeem herself only to be consistently treated like dirt.
  • In the Noah's Arc movie, Brandon gives a short but effective one to Ricky regarding his promiscuity.
  • President Bartlet walks in for his first appearance and combines a "The Reason You Suck" Speech and Crowning Moment of Awesome. He tells a group of affronted Christians that they're not getting anything from him until they stand up to the vile extremists within their ranks.
    • Also, Cliff Calley gives a great one to a Republican congressman who wants to force Leo to admit that he fell off the wagon during the first Bartlet campaign in order to humiliate him during the hearings in "Bartlet for America."

Cliff: This is bush league. This is why good people hate us, this, right here, this thing... And if you proceed with this line of questioning, I will resign this committee and wait in the tall grass for you, Congressman, because you are killing the party.

  • The Office: Stanley gives Michael one in "Did I Stutter?" This causes Michael to stop trying to be Stanley's friend, put his foot down, and demand the respect owed to him as Stanley's boss.
  • In Community episode "Football, Feminism and You" Jeff delivers a really nasty one to Annie after she discovers his role in persuading Troy to rejoin the football team.
    • Then there was the collective emotional turmoil the study group went through and then delivered at starburns's funeral.
  • Sharpe's Waterloo: The Prince of Orange is a snivelling brat and an incompetent military leader who has caused the deaths of many, many of his own men. One of his immediate subordinates has finally had enough:

Doggett: You did it again! Colonel Sharpe said you would do it again, and you did! All those men dead because you wanted to get out? You coward!
Rebecque: Doggett! His Royal Highness cannot be called a coward.
Doggett: No, dammit. No, not cowardice, not that. Just so he can dance and prance, and make high cockalorum, while men die? Horribly? It is too much, I declare, too much! I shall say it! [hesitates, then plunges on] You sir, are a silk stocking full of shit! [rides away]

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Russell Edgington and I have been a vampire for nearly three-thousand years. Now, the American Vampire League wishes to perpetuate the idea that we are just like you. I suppose in a few small ways we are. We're narcissists. We care only about getting what we want no matter what the cost just like you. Global warming, perpetual war, toxic waste, child labor, torture, genocide, That's a small price to pay for your SUVs and your flat screen TVs, your blood diamonds, your designer jeans, your absurd garish McMansions! Futile symbols of pertinence to quell your quivering, spineless souls. But no, in the end we are nothing like you. We are immortal. Because we drink the true blood. Blood that is living, organic and human. And that is the truce the AVL wishes to conceal from you because let's face it eating people is a tough sale these days so they put on their friendly faces to pass their beloved VRA but make no mistake. Mine is the true face of vampire! Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you after we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?

  • In The Wire, Detective Moreland gives one of these to Omar, largely in part because Do Not Do This Cool Thing.
    • McNulty gets at least three before the series concludes.
      • McNulty himself also delivers one to Brianna Barksdale, D'Angelo's mother for convincing her son that the right thing to do was to stay loyal to their violent, drug-dealing organization, in spite of being a father himself and having a twenty year sentence hanging over his head. This would in turn lead to that same violent, drug-dealing organization to decide that D'Angelo was too much of a loose thread and have him killed in spite of his loyalty. The biggest cut into her though is when she asks McNulty why he went to D'Angelo's baby's-mama with this information rather than herself, he replies that he was just trying to find someone that cared about D'Angelo.
  • Tyres, the drug-addled Cloudcuckoolander from Spaced rants at both Tim and Daisy about their personality flaws and general fecklessness. Of course, his mood swings are too frequent for him to stay mad.
  • iCarly: In iDate Sam & Freddie, Carly is being dragged along to Sam and Freddie's dates to try and prevent them from fighting. She spends the entire episode watching Sam and Freddie bickering, fighting and making her fix their problems. At the end of the episode after they start another fight on a date at a fancy restaurant, Carly snaps. She delivers a "frustrated speech" version of this trope to Sam and Freddie about how they shouldn't be dating at all.
  • Nicola Murrary's first day in The Thick of It starts going downhill when she finds herself on the recieving end of one of these speeches from Malcolm Tucker- specifically, when he learns that she's supporting the improvement of public schools while sending her daughter to a private school.

Malcolm: Jesus H Fucking Corbett. Do you honestly think- do you honestly believe that, as a minister, you can get away with that? You are saying that all your local state schools, all the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rapesheds and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake! Sort it, or abort it.

Nicola: Let's get this clear: my family is off limits! Alright? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband or my kids- it just doesn't-

Malcolm: Of course it fucking does; as per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight twenty-four hours a day, darling. You know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and Eric fucking Bristow's on the orchie, flingin' a million darts made of human shit right at you: can you take that? CAN YOU?

Nicola: Okay, look, you- the all-swearing eye- you didn't even know how many kids I had, you had to ask me! So who on earth in the press is going to even know or care?

Malcolm: Do you remember The Big Breakfast? Do you remember that program? You remember how Chris Evans started that, you know how that was a big success? And then they had that guy, Johnny Vaugnn, you remember him? Everybody loved him- fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is, here? This here is series ten of The Big Breakfast, and you're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. (Beat) So low. Waaaaaaaaaay way way way way way way way... low. You are now being scrutinized for what you wear and what you say: for your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage, and your dress- which, by the way, is way too loud.

Nicola: Too loud?

Malcolm: Yeah, I'm getting fuckin' tinnitus, here. (Beat) Look, your crooked husband I can make go away... but your crooked husband, combined with you being worried about your underaged daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp.

    • An episode later, Nicola fucks up: her department has lost seven months worth of files, nobody has any idea where the backup went, Nicola has succeeded in making herself look like a Soapbox Sadie Granola Girl in a conference with the press, and ultimately ended up revealing the scandal about the lost files to an on-the-record journalist. And naturally, Malcolm lets her have it:

Malcolm: I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm extremely miffed about today's events, and in my quest to try to make you understand the level of my unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call violent sexual imagery, and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that.
Nicola: I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm-
Malcolm: Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave. Right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ecoli, and then you sprayed it out of your arse at three hundred miles per hour.
Nicola: I simply made a mistake-
Malcolm: You got "on the record" and "off the record" fuckin' mixed up! What would have happened if, like, George Martin had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that, I've had to fuckin' sit next to Paul McCartney at fuckin' Checkers.

Nicola: The data loss wasn't my fault.

Malcolm: Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fuckin' pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him "I don't think she's up to the job"?

Nicola: You said yourself that if the PM sacks me after a week, it looks like he's fucked up!

Malcolm: Yeah, but that was before, when your biggest problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper and a face like Dot Cotton lickin' piss off a nettle!

Nicola: OK, I messed up! Right? I messed up! But I will, from now on, listen to every bit of advice you give me: I'll go on Question Time wearing a push-up bra and a fez, I'll do the Hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is, because you know about that stuff, Malcolm, I know that. It's just I've got things I want to do, alright.

Malcolm: 'Course you do, mate. Montessori fuckin' Rockinghorses or something. The Mail have the motherload on this, so that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, M'dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie.

    • In a later episode, one of the more seriously dramatic ones, someone who is totally unconnected to politics (and is indeed very sympathetic and admirable) has just had his career ruined thanks to Nicola. Notably, even Malcolm feels bad about this, and is trying (not particularly successfully) to be genuinely gentle and nice about it. While Nicola's trying not to break down with guilt, Malcolm tells her that this PR clusterfuck is a war with the Opposition, so she's going to have to fight. She responds with a short, but very accurate, rant about how all this trouble (plus virtually every other thing that's gone wrong in the series,) is the result of people like Malcolm being obsessed with fighting and power, and that this attitude is the reason people despise politics so much. Unfortunately, Malcolm isn't even vaguely impressed; after telling her to "Spare me your psycho-fanny" and telling her a series of lies about how the opposition are mocking her misfortune, he makes her an offer that makes her fling her priciples to the wind and turn the aforementioned PR clusterfuck into a war with the opposition.
  • In the Make It or Break It episode "Life Or Death," new coach Darby's "let's all be friends" technique - including agreeing to let the girls of The Rock go to see Emily's boyfriend in concert the night before a crucial meet - results in Lauren and Co. getting their asses kicked. Payson does not mince her words in the aftermath...
  • Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode "Castle of Fu Manchu". Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank send Joel and the Bots a rather BAD movie, causing the Bots to break down by the first host segment, and Joel crying by the third act. Forrester and Frank begin preping for the victory by the end of the movie, when Joel fires back at them.

"You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel so sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others. Well, we've won because we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime!

Reader: These being the words of Marcus Tullius Cicero: When I was a young man, I defended the State. As an old man, I shall not abandon it. I give sincere thanks to Mark Antony, who has generously presented me with the most promising theme imaginable. I address you directly, Antony. Please listen as if you... as if you... please listen, as if you were sober and intelligent, and not a drink-sodden, sex-addled wreck. You are certainly not without accomplishments: it is a rare man who can boast of becoming a bankrupt before even coming of age. You have brought upon us war, pestilence and destruction. You are Rome's Helen of Troy. But then... but then... a woman's role has always suited you best."

Gordon: I'm forty years of age, and I've gone to a lot of restaurants, but I've never, ever, ever, ever met someone I believe in as little as you.