"The Reason You Suck" Speech/Web Original

• Main
• Laconic
• Playing With
• Quotes
• All Subpages
• Create New

Examples of "The Reason You Suck" Speeches in Web Original include:

• Slowbeef gives one of these to Quadraxis14 in the SNES9X Retsupurae. Here is the speech without the Verbal Tic:

Shut up! There are no viewers. No one watched this to the end except me. It is a seriously horrible video, Quadraxis14. There is no skill in replaying the same thing over and reloading save states over and over again. A monkey could do this. A kid can do this. It doesn't matter. I don't know what the point of the video is. I don't know why you're doing it. It will not make you popular in school. It will not get you girls or anything. It's a waste of time. I'm sorry. I'm taking away from "On Liberty".

• Atop the Fourth Wall example: Mechakara masquerading as the genuine article delivers a particularly chilling one to his entire fanbase:

Well, I think it's obvious whose fault Ultimates 3 is. You. Yes, you. The audience of this show. You sycophantic worms will buy anything dished out to you. They told you this garbage was gold and you believed it. Just like if I had said something was good or bad, you'll believe me instantly. So go on. Continue being the mindless, dreary-eyed, ugly bags of fat that I can call my fans.

• Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog has Captain Hammer deliver one disguised as a Rousing Speech with the song "Everyone's A Hero". Pretty much everyone in the audience is fooled save for Penny, who openly looks shocked at the context of the song.

I’m poverty’s new sheriff And I’m bashing in the slums A hero doesn’t care If you’re a bunch of scary alcoholic bums! Everybody!

• • Dr. Horrible delivers a subsequent one with "Slipping", calling Captain Hammer's audience out on their Dying Like Animals devotion to their hero.
• The Spoony One did one for both Final Fantasy VIII and its fans.
  • He recently did another for the people who didn't like Mass Effect 3's ending
• Inverted in an Over the Gun Let's Play of Braid where he gives one to himself after losing a (rewind-immune) key to a Mook.

It's only me that could manage to do that! Oh, he's such a cock! I- I want me key off you, mate, but... but I dunno how I'm gonna do it, though! It's okay me saying I want it back off ya, but you've got my number, haven't you? That's not good news. That's a goomba with a look on his face, as if to say "I am protected by these weird mechanics. I am gonna jump off your head. Not only that - I have got your key." He looks quite, quite serious... he doesn't look phased by the fact I'm stood underneath him; he's gonna stomp my face through. This is the first time in twenty one years of gaming that I have been bested by a goomba.

• 4chan has this to say to the furry community.
  • A furry artist named Metal-Kitty made one for Furry Haters. [1]
• A video by a user named Armake21 made one of these for the Irate Gamer, who got him kicked off youtube for it.
• In I'm a Marvel... And I'm a DC, The Joker delivers one of these to Darkseid after his explanation of Stan's Place is rejected due to Darkseid having "no interest in the world of fiction."

The Joker: You don't know... (Begins to laugh hysterically) Darkseid: What? Another Earth joke? The Joker: The biggest one ever! The mother of all jokes! And the best part is, you're the butt of it! Oh, I hate to break it to ya, pallie, but I'm afraid the only reality you know is the world of fiction! Darkseid: Ah, so it's madness. Not an uncommon reaction to one's impending doom. Still- The Joker: Oh, I was mad long before you came along, oh Lord of Pain and Suffering and... Blue Shorts. And even I have a better grip on reality than you. Those other realities that Stan's Place links to? They're all comic book universes- just like this one! All the heroes meet up at that bar so they can shoot the breeze about who's getting a movie next. And no wonder you're so interested in Stan- he's the one person there who's not a comic book character. If there's anyone dominating reality, its him, not you. In fact, what was it you said about comic books before? Ah yes, they're "insignificant endeavours in entertainment on a pathetic planet"- of which YOU are one! (Laughs hysterically before Darkseid vapourises him.) Darkseid: [White hot fury] That's. Not. Funny.

• • In the first season of "After Hours," Lex Luthor gave one to Superman in an attempt to recruit him in joining him in his plan to Ret-Gone the Marvel Universe:

Lex Luthor: The Marvel Universe has corrupted everything you stand for all in the name of high drama. Think about it Kal-El. Your job is to be an inspiration for people, someone they can look up to, someone they can aspire to be like; in steadfastness, in character, in ideals. And what did Marvel offer? They said don’t worry; you don’t have to aspire to anyone in our books. You just have to relate to them. And now we have an entire culture that thinks that who they are is just fine and how dare anyone suggest they can improve themselves? Why aspire to be Superman when it’s so much easier to relate to Spider-Man? No one wants to look up to you anymore, Superman. They don’t want to strain their necks. Instead they look straight ahead at the compromised heroes in front of them and say "That’ll do just fine".

• Dr. Loomis gives one to Michael in the Halloween fan film, The Last Halloween. Michael doesn't take it well.
• A big one comes from Erika's Old Big Sister, the sequel to Erikas New Perfume, in which Marie gets the Fountain of Youth effects on her undone and proceeds to become the ultimate Big Sister Bully while trying (and failing) to rebuild her teenage social status. The speech comes in the climax, when Marie tries to undo Sarah's Plot-Relevant Age-Up, causing Erika to snap and lay into Marie that all her problems stem from her own jealousy and self-loathing, that her bratty nature better suits the lifestyle of a three-year-old than a 16-year-old, and that she is now strong enough to handle whatever Marie can dish out. Marie is hit hard by this and, realizing that Erika is right, requests to return to toddlerhood.
• In Kickassia, The Nostalgia Critic recieves one from dream!Ma-Ti. He gets told such pearls of wisdom as:

"Stop being a douchebag! It's totally going to backfire!" "Are you willing to let down the people that got you here? Your friends? Your allies!" "You're a fool, Critic! A damn fool! You cannot change your destiny! You can only choose to meet it!...and you will fail."

• In Arby 'n' the Chief, Arbiter dishes one out to Master Chief in Season 6 for just how much he has de-volved in emotional growth, only for Chief to return the favor by pointing out all of Arbiter's flaws as well.

Arbiter: "...You've always been an utter moron, but there was a time when it was at least somewhat charming. You didn't know any better. It was innocent. But now it's like you're self-aware to some degree. Instead of shouting outrageous things in sheer ignoreance it's like you're genuinely out to antagonize and hurt people. It's not funny anymore... Master Chief: "wat, u think ur n e funs 2 lived w/? ...when ur not paraeding around h33r pretending 2 sound samrt ur sitting arond all :( drinking all teh bewze whining liek a little cunt about hao much dick ur lief sux..."

• The Webshow TV Trash features a series of episodes where Chris "Rowdy C" Moore watches three of the most controversial Family Guy episodes ever. After sitting through "Not All Dogs Go to Heaven" (arguably the most despised episode among Tropers), Rowdy concludes "Family Guy Month" by "talking" to Seth MacFarlane.

And so, after a full month of pointing out some of the worst "Family Guy" has churned out, what else is there to say? (shows a picture of Seth MacFarlane; cuts back to Rowdy) Fine, I'll tell you. You have become one of the worst examples of comedy out there. You've not only made all your characters as unlikable as possible, but you do nothing but pile on insult after insult of anyone out there that's more famous than you, and rail against nearly every TV show that paved the way for yours, giving hardly any evidence other than "Trust me, it sucks." Yeah, I insult TV shows, but I try to back it up with logic. I also give examples of good stuff that hopefully show I'm not just some bitter jealous comedian who goes around hating everything that comes out of Hollywood like you. I don't go around claiming that dead children's entertainers hate all Jews with no proof. What if I were to suggest that you're just bitter at Disney because they took your best director? God, you're a hypocrite! You know, I can respect you for going after Fox News, but saying it's okay for the Left to be a bunch of liars and frauds because they're your people doesn't work. Oh, and you had to go off on big businesses taking away jobs, but you go and snatch up almost every piece of Fox's Sunday night lineup once another show gets dropped. And then there's the little fact that your animation is made in KOREA. You want to help American jobs? HAVE YOUR DAMN SHOW DRAWN IN THIS COUNTRY!! And by the way, insulting Southerners doesn't make you better than them. What happened to you claiming they were good at heart in "To Love and Die in Dixie"? Oh, right, that was during the time when network executives could put you in your place! But I could forgive all of that if you just weren't so unfunny. That's what you are—a bitter, preachy, unfunny ASSHOLE!!"

• • For those who do not know, this speech is a parody of Quagmire telling off Brian in "Jerome is the New Black"
• On the American Idol forum idolforums a poster laid into an overzealous fan who attacked one of the other contestants

I agree people have the right to express their opinions, but I have the exact same right. The irony is I actually like both Jessica and Hollie, I may have defended Hollie more lately because of my perception she's being kicked while she's down. I'm sure this is something you can now relate to after Thursday. Quite honestly I should see this as flattering because you and others must have much more faith in her making a come back than I do. I hope IDF represents only a really small percentage of the Idolverse's perceptions, because you're not doing yourself any favors, when Hollie finally does leave her votes are gonna go somewhere and perhaps not where you'd like. But somethings never change and you guys can do what you like and I'll respond when I feel the need

• Near the end of Red vs. Blue: Revelation, Tex delivers a short one to Church after she shoots him to betray their location to Washington and the Meta:

Tex: I didn't ask to be paired with you. I didn't want to come back. But I'm here now, so I'm gonna put an end to this. Church: Tex, I would have helped you. Tex: You can't even help yourself. That's why you made me, Church. You made me to take on all the things you can't handle. Just like you always have. Well guess what, I'm gonna handle it.

---

Back to "The Reason You Suck" Speech