8-Bit Theater/Characters

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.
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Warriors of Light

Garland: "And what kind of tactics do you tend to employ?"
Fighter: "Oh, we usually murder our way to the top and claim victory whilst astride a pile of mangled bodies."
Garland: "I see..."
Fighter: "But we're heroes so it's okay when we do that."

Black Mage Evilwizardington

"If there was a way to get magic for free, do you really think I'd have spent so much time sacrificing children to my dark gods? For spells, I mean. Obviously there'd still be sacrifices. A hobby's a hobby."

Fighter McWarrior

"I like... what was it again?"

Fighter: Get up, Lich. I'm not through hurting you yet.
Lich: You have no idea the forces at work here, boy. If death himself cannot take me, what makes you think you can?
Fighter: I SAID GET UP!

Red Mage: Oh dear. I think it's finally happened. Years of exposure to Fighter's, shall we say, point of view, has left Black Mage a spluttering vegetable.

Fighter: Don't lie to the poor lady, RM. You know exactly who we are and we don't look innocent at all. All I'd trust those two jokers with is a stab in the back and then the throat. And you wear a mask. I look okay and seem honest, but as far as she knows, it's an elaborate act. A ruse that works so well my own friends could never suspect - never consider - the evil I inflict upon innocents wheresoever we go.

Red Mage: He's just kidding of... of course...

    • Although, that said, sometimes you get things like this:

Fighter: I like this plan. It needs a sword fight in the middle, but we can burn that river when we cross a bridge over the bush with two birds in glass houses.

Red Mage Statscowski

Red Mage: "Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That's just basic cause and effect. It's easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot be stopped. The success or failure of any given step will have no impact on the macro level."
Black Mage: "That's so stupid I can't even see straight any more."
Red Mage: "Now imagine what'll happen when physics tries to figure it out!"

  • A God Am I: Learned almost "every move in the game" from the Datasphere and planned to dethrone the gods.
  • Ambidextrous Sprite: The feather on his hat(s).
  • Accidental Innuendo: He does this so frequently it seems like it might actually be on purpose.

All it required was a cocktail of dangerous experimental surgery, and a willingness to ignore the unnessecary suffering of perfectly innocent beings.
Also, I shot magic into their chromosones until they turned inside out, evolution is my bitch.

Thief/Prince Elf

Black Mage (seeing Thief with an enormous bag of loot): "Didn't the pirates take everything already?"
Thief: "They left everything that was nailed down. I did not."

Warriors of Darkness

Garland: "We have failed to enact any significant revenge against the hated Light Warriors."
Vilbert: "Point of order: Nuh-uh!"
Bikke: "Yar. Ye slam o' poetry be as significant as a pee in the ocean."
Drizz'l: "It's what we're all thinking."


Garland: "You will pay for your insolence, princess. For when I summon the dark lord Chaos to do my bidding, my very first uh... bid will be to hurrrrrt you. Hurrrrt you!"
Princess Sara: "What're you gonna have him do? Poke me in the ribs?"

Garland: "Oh heavens no. I'm nefarious, not cruel."


"I have got to find new, non-sucky, friends."


"Be this 600 or pineapple?"

Vilbert von Vampire

"My dark soul burns with fiery agreement. Or possibly tacos."

The Other Warriors

Red Mage: "But the Other Warriors were on the same quest."
Thief: "It's because they aren't smart! You were able to fool them. You."


  • The Archer
  • Department of Redundancy Department: His full name is Generic Dual-Class Half-Elven Ranger. His other class is also Ranger.
  • Dual-Wielding: Taken Up to Eleven. Unfortunately, he chose to take it Up to Eleven against Sarda, which still left him about Eleventy-Zillion short.
  • Heinz Hybrid: He's apparently 50% elf, 25% human and 12.5% orc. The remaining 12.5% is unknown, but presumably also human.
    • Bizarrely, in his introduction, he claims to be half-elven and half-human. Later he says he's a half-elven ranger who is a quarter Lefeinish (human) and a quarter half-orc. This puts him anywhere from 112.5% to 125%, depending on what the other half of the half-orc is.
  • The Hero

Berserker Axinhed

"Just because I fly into a blind, homocidal rage at the tip of a helm doesn't mean I'm incapable of appreciating the finer things in life."


"Well look at that, another beautiful miracle. If it weren't for my atheism, I'd be impressed by it."


"I know a guy."

The Fiends


"Death is the natural state of all being. Life is the aberration. It is fleeting, and full of pain. Come, embrace the eternity in nothing!"


"Look, I haven't killed anything in about three minutes, so my patience is nil at this point."

Black Mage: Lady, if you weren't trying to kill me, and half made out of snake, I'd be on you like blood on my knife.


"Anyway, you guys ordered an apocalypse if I'm right."


Dragoon: "Muffin is a dragon. It all makes sense now. Like, when I'd say 'Polly want a cracker?" she'd say "No, Muffin want to rip a knight in half and suck out the pulp.'"


White Mage


"I, gentlemen, am Sarda, and that makes me the wizard who did it!"


"All those poor, poor fools not living in towers or being able to leap into the stratosphere. It's like they wanted to drown."

King Steve

King Steve: "Did I ever tell you about the time I built this castle all by hand?"
Princess Sara: "It's 400 years old, dad."
King Steve: "Yes, yes. I designed it that way, you know."

Princess Sara


"I am the yawning chasm from before the before; the darkness after the end of all things. I am nothing and no thing is eternal."

The Cultists

Thief: "You're not going to have to incest at us first, are you?"
Cultist: "No, we don't do that!"
Cultist: "Any more!"
Mrr'grt: "As much!"


The Real Light Warriors

  • Butt Monkeys: Whenever we see these guys, they're usually getting screwed over.
  • The Chew Toys: When you consider how they were supposed to be the heroes, their suffering is very disenheartening.
  • Cosmic Playthings: Even when the Light Warriors aren't screwing them, things rarely work out for these guys.
  • Evil Counterparts: Inverted; since the Light Warriors are the very definition of Villain Protagonists, they are very heroic. To drive the point home, while the RLWs use character sprites of Fighter, Thief, and Red Mage's upgraded classes from the first Final Fantasy game (Knight, Ninja, Red Wizard, respectively) Black Mage's is a White Wizard.
  • Missed the Call: They were supposed to be the ones to become chosen by fate, but because they were out level grinding, the main characters got the job.
  • No Name Given: The only member of the group whose name was revealed is the Red Wizard named Barry.
  • Think Nothing of It: When they do pull off some heroics, they are very humble about it.