8-Bit Theater/Quotes
Black Mage
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"Wait. If it's a Cave of No Return, how does anyone know what's inside of it?"
—1
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Black Mage: Do you know what happens to a giant when it gets blasted with a fireball? —6
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"Why, it would take some kind of insane megalomaniacal fiend to take pleasure in wielding the tapestry of creation to focus pure energy into reality through nothing more than the force of my own will, the rush of electricity through my being, the power--my god, the POWER! ITS THE ONLY TIME I FEEL ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!
—25
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"What did I ever do to deserve this as my fate? Other than all the sinning."
—262
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Fighter: Now who's the stupidest one? —270
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"Damnit, Thief." |
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"Y'know, I think my favorite thing about being a hero of destiny is that it gives you all kinds of narrative justification to just slay any ol' jerk who gets in your way."
—286
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Black Mage: Wait, if I did evil, and you guys here are evil, then shouldn't you be showering me with rewards and concubines, etc? —388
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"I know the difference between right and wrong. I just don't care."
—405
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Black Mage: I found out what zombies are weak against. —409
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"I should have mentioned this at the beginning. I solve my problems through violence."
—428
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"And how are we supposed to do smart things? Just think them up?"
—470
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Black Mage: Thief?! I thought you ran off like the coward you are! —475
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"Love is a very powerful force. Even more so when it's focused into a coherent beam of destruction. Every time I cast Hadoken, it siphons away some of the love in the universe. I'm not sure how much, but I'm given to understand the divorce rate goes up with each blast."
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White Mage: You... sacrificed... children. For power? —489
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"Some people wrestle with their personal demons. I stabbed mine in the back of the head. He was a bleeder.... —617
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"Well, I have been meaning out how to turn self-love into an atrocity..." |
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Black Mage: Know this. There is a Hell, And when you are there I shall visit upon you such dark horrors as their names cannot be spoken. —683
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Doom Cultist: Enough Buffoonery. —739
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{upon joining a cult of Cthulhumanoids} Finally! I'm not the ugliest malcontent in the group.
—741
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[To Fighter] "Every day with you is an adventure I never wanted. Like swimming naked through shards of glass."
—786
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Red Mage: So we're back to the murder plot, are we. —799
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Black Mage: Get offa me! —903
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"Healed and healthy forever! It makes me want to sing... a song that would turn your heart inside out, but I can't figure out the lyrics."
—936
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"I can recall a time when my life was not, in fact, spiraling out of control before my eyes. We are so far beyond that now, I can't be certain that it wasn't just a dream. *Sets Red Mage's unmoving body on fire.* Though there are perks."
—949
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Driz'zl: What do you think you're doing? —1017
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"You shut the goddamn hell up, super monsters."
—1117
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Black Mage: So, it's a fight to the death and we're down by two men. —1120
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Fighter
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"I trust Black Mage 'cause he told me to."
—39
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Drizz'l: Only a fool would engage an enemy without knowing anything about him. —274
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Black Mage: Jeezy chreezy, Fighter! Did they drop you on the head as a child? Often? —305
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Fighter: [Takes a fireball meant for Black Mage] —474
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[On the rest of the Light Warriors] "Sheesh. Those guys can sure say a whole lot without saying anything."
—649
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Fighter: Well, I believe the things Red Mage says. —1027
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"I met our old friends, who coincidentally are also our worst enemies. —1114
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"You can't transform numbers into other numbers like that. It'd just go on forever. That's like witchcraft."
—1135
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"The way I figure it, the fall doesn't kill you. The ground does. So I blocked it."
—1170
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Red Mage
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"In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed!"
—835
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"My plans are always practical! It's the laws of physics that get in the way of my success."
—262
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Thief: Do you know what you're doing, RM? —384
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"You see, Fighter, any time you do anything, there is a one in twenty chance that you will critically fail. The results of such catastrophic events are up to the gods. Sadly, for us, they are vindictive and filled with bad ideas."
—430
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"It shoots fire from it's mouth and bleeds acidic lava! Run for your pathetic lives! —455
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Black Mage: You've done a very stupid thing, RM. —457
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"Don't worry, Thief. My intellect has thought of everything. Even the things it hasn't considered. Especially those things, in fact."
—477
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"I'm prepared to passionately argue this point until nothing makes sense anymore. If that doesn't work, then the hours upon hours of whining will."
—573
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Black Mage: Does RM's constant use of the word 'probing' make anyone else feel uncomfortable? —587
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"Let's review. You built something. But you don't know what it is because you never wrote down what it was for when you still had enough points left in engineering to know. I have been defeated by my own intellect. I don't know if that's encouraging or depressing though."
—610
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[On Thief] "It's a bad sign when your leader's whole exit strategy is to screw you."
—623
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Black Mage [seeing mutant Chocobo created by Red Mage]: What is it?! —676
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[On Black Mage] "I'd say his moral framework just snapped, but what moral framework?"
—685
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"Aren't you guys glad I'm here? None of you would have had the boldness of character or clarity of action to beg for food."
—774
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[To Sarda, explaining why the Light Warriors didn't get the Orb of Air] "The short version is that everyone in Lefein is a colossal jackass. Yes, they are fully to blame. If you remove our incompetence from the equation, then we did nothing wrong."
—856
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"According to a loose enough definition of 'hero', we qualify. Well, more or less. The point is that good deeds were done and we were nearby."
—920
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[On trying to point out flaws in Red Mage's plans] "It's like talking to a brick wall with a particularly doofy hat. Also, it's ugly."
—Black Mage 941
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"Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That's just basic cause and effect. It's easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic can not be stopped. The success or failure of any given step will have no impact on the macro level."
—942
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Thief: Doesn't it worry you to be, you know, aflame? —951
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Red Mage: And that's my brilliant tale of victory. —989
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[To Fighter] "Make your swords become like things unto chainsaws."
—Red Mage's Glorious Chainsaw Method 1008
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Thief: Hey, quick question. Do you believe anything you say? —1027
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Red Mage: So deep are we (within my A-hole) that Sarda will never find us no matter how thoroughly or how vigorously he probes. My A-hole. —1141
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Sarda: I become more powerful with each passing moment. —1161
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Red Mage [On the rest of the Light Warriors leaving him to be killed by Sarda]: I can't believe they'd just leave me like that. —1163
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Black Mage [To Red Mage]: If I have to listen to one more of your word salads in the guise of a plan, I will kill myself so hard it will kill you instead.
—1186
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Thief
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Thief [On the rest of the Light Warriors]: See, this is why I keep my mouth shut when we walk. If we talk, then we get nowhere. Fast. —290
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Thief: I believe in a free market. —415
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[To Red Mage] "We have a saying where I come from. In your boorish, lackluster tongue, it would roughly translate... "Shut up, and give me all of your monies and fineries". Since I've already contractually ensured the monies, I request the shut up."
—421
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"We are simply here to collect the Orb of Fire. If you know where it is, I suggest you help us to attain it. Otherwise, your life may become immediately finite."
—427
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[To Black Mage] "How else do you suggest [Dragoon] destroy the world's only hope for survival? Identify the real heroes, delay them, then join a band of easily duped rubes, become their leader, and trick them into questing across the world only to stab them all in the back at the last minute? At least, that's what I would do." |
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"I said 'hypothetically' right? Somewhere in there? No?"
—913
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[To Dragoon] "In certain respects, you are the worst dragon slayer here. Like, in the respect of killing a damn dragon."
—929
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[On Red Mage] "He died as he lived: completely hated."
—1026
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[On Black Mage] "If his treachery would ever hurt someone more than himself, I'd have to stop him."
—1032
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"We're Light Warriors, dammit. I bet [Sarda] can't hurt us any worse than we hurt each other every day."
—1173
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Thief: Look at us now, we're not even fit to murder a hobo. How are we going to save the Aristocracy from the Poor? —1193
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White Mage
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Black Mage: Yo. —100
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"Black Belt! Hit Sir Armor of Gothic here until he stops thinking conscious thoughts."
—131
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"Black Belt! Stop her with your violence!"
—470
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White Mage: Black Belt! He, he died and it's all my fault, but you can help him! —492
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Sarda
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"I, gentlemen, am Sarda. And that makes me the Wizard Who Did It!"
—421
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"What I hate most about talking to you jerks is that I always know what you're going to say. Partly because I exist in six directions in time at once, but also you are all stupid."
—982
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"'Wizard'? Are you kidding me? Wizards do parlor tricks. I throttle the Heavens."
—1087
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Black Mage: That's messed up, Sarda. —1134
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King Steve
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Black Mage: How, in the ten thousand hells of the Great Lord Chaos, did a man of your grotesque stupidity become the leader of the most powerful nation in the world? —163
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Princess Sara: Dad, your approval rating is slightly lower than a hole in the head. —345
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King Steve: Did I ever tell you about the time I built this castle all by hand? —362
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[To Princess Sara] "As you know, I'm the world's foremost inventor, having invented inventing three years ago. (...) —619
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Princess Sara: Now, like I asked before, how's the war going? Princess Sara: So, we're at war to spread pacifism now? —714
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Other
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"Life is funny. You start out with limitless potential, but time is always shaving away the possibilities. Every choice you make is the choice not to do a thousand other things. What's important, when all is said and done, is that you made a difference. Your choices, and everything undone, have to mean something. Otherwise, what was the point? I'm lucky that way. My path was already there. I had only to walk it. I often thought even if no one knew of the good I had done with my life, it didn't matter. That it was done is all that counts in the end. But then I died. And I hadn't gotten to do any of it yet."
—Black Belt, 471
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Bahamut: Though I am the great dragon god king, I am versed in the manifold weaknesses of things such as yourselves. —571
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[To Black Mage] "I can remember when your language was nothing but quaint little grunts and sneezes. That you will be slaughtered at my leisure is a foregone conclusion. So, go ahead and run your chubby little heart out."
—Muffin the dragon, 956
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[To Thief] "You're an elf. Your history is a very long love poem dedicated to bloodshed. And to yourselves."
—Muffin, 959
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The Dark Warriors
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Garland: I found a quarter and I'm not asking if it belongs to anyone. |
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Bikke: Consider the lives of me crew to be forfeit. —208
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Drizz'l: We don't have to take this [i.e. Princess Sara's insults]. We have our dignity. —364
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[To Bikke] "You sadden me with your relentless incompetence."
—Drizz'l, 505
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"This is a temple dedicated to evil. It's built on the desecrated ancient burial ground where other more ancient desecrated burial grounds went when they got evil stuff built all over them. The architect was a necromancer and the contractor was in the eldritch mafia."
—Drizz'l, 996
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Bikke: Piracy be steeped in the Democratic process. —1019
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The Other Warriors
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Red Mage: [On Berserker] His veins are filled with rage and his bones are made out of calcium and murder. He's a dangerous psycho who should- |
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Dialogue
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Black Mage: Should I be worried, impressed, or insulted that you could so easily imagine me as a pretty unicorn princess? |
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Black Mage [commenting on Thief attacking Astos]: It's good of Thief to volunteer us all for death like this. |
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Red Mage: Thief's right. Playing the blame game won't help. |
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Fighter: Guys, did you hear that? Drizz'l the dark elf captured us and he wants to fight! |
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Black Mage: Just once I'd like to go a day without being doomed. |
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Red Mage: Once we return the crown, we can finally get back to our real quest for Matoya's crystal eye thingie. White Mage: Chaos. The Demon King. Lord of Evil. Emperor of Lies. Commissioner of the Damned. Any of this ring a bell? |
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Black Mage: If this is the right place, then we will be completely justified in slaughtering the occupants within. If it isn't, it'll be a practice session. As we all know, practice sessions don't count, so we'll be absolved of any alleged crimes. |
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Vilbert von Vampire: Ready? |
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Vilbert and Red Mage: Rock, paper, scissors, match! |
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Thief: It appears that our usual strategies aren't working, RM. |
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Lich: You cannot hide forever. |
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Black Mage: When I look back at my life, I can't help but see an inevitable chain of events. |
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Black Mage: I don't get it. What's that jerk [Ranger] got that I ain't. |
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Red Mage: Okay, there's a group of monsters ahead. Beyond them lies the chamber wherein the Orb of Fire is contained. |
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Black Mage: Wow, Fighter. You don't half-ass screwing up, do ya? |
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Black Mage: You ever get the feeling that the Universe is a vast, impersonal emptiness that exists only to hurt you? |
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Ranger: Your deceptions will not work on me,oh Crimsoned Wizard. |
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Black Mage: And what can we expect to find here? |
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Giant Zombie Dragon: You must be more than the sum of your parts. You must transcend individuality. You must each become the other. Only in this way will you defeat the final ordeal set before you. |
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Thief: I have come to a realization. Dragons are not real in a general sense, but they may exist in certain specific cases. |
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Red Mage: You're going to slice Black Mage out of there with surgeon-like precision. Right? |
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Black Mage [On a monster the Light Warriors encountered]: Anything that ugly wants to die. |
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Thief: Where's Red Mage? |
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Red Mage: Behold the fruits of Genius! |
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Black Mage: Do we have any idea where we're going? |
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Thief: Since things can't possibly get any worse, Red Mage, we turn to you. |
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Thief: If he was still in the forest, I'd know it and he'd be dead, and I'd have our money back, and then I'd come here and lie about it. |
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Red Mage: How can we be sure Black Mage survived [being shot from the cannon]? |
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Thief: We start a nice, friendly conversation. Then, bam, the mugging. Black Mage: What? I gotta go! |
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Black Mage [on Red Mage]: Why do we listen to Dork Mage? What has he ever done for us that worked?
Black Mage: Today. What has he done for us today! |
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Red Mage: Okay. I'm tired of misunderstandings we keep having with these people, so we're going to try something new. |
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Red Mage: What happened to us? Sidequests used to fall into our laps. Now everyone mistakes us for clowns or perverts. |
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Black Mage: If [the law-ninjas] were dead, how did they know when to deploy? Hell, how have they been following us? |
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Fighter: {sees a pile of dead guards} Why are these people sleeping? |
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Black Mage: I'm so mad I could... I could... I could... Tinkle! Excuse me. |
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Black Mage: Die, Ants, Die! |
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Black Mage: I killed things. I feel better. |
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Red Mage: Well, look, [Muffin] doesn't suspect anything. We can all rush in there and slay her face off. She won't know what hit her. Dragons are slow lumbering beasts. |
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Thief: Red Mage, this is the worst plan yet in your lifetime filled with nothing but the worst plans. |
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Black Mage: I'm the caster, y'know! It's like I'm a cannon made out of glass. Like a... Y'know, like a dainty figurine so ornately decorated you can't image how something so fragile manages to exist in this brutal, ugly world... And it makes you weep. I've got something in my eye! [Runs away] |
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Stone Dragon: Blarg! I'm a dragon! |
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Thief: Turns out the Dark Warriors and the fiends want us dead. |
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Sarda: It's my fault you people kill and cheat your way through your miserable lives? |
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Red Mage: We have to put aside our hatred and overriding desire to destroy one another and work together! |
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Red Mage: Would you rather be killed by Sarda or by your beloved friends? |
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Thief [On Red Mage's plan to defeat Sarda]: Well, ignoring the highly suspect part where Fighter can block ethereal energy... and the more suspect part where you have to cast every spell at once... and the grossly suspect part where I have to dodge explosions while I'm in them... there's the most suspect part of all where Black Mage can hit what he wants to. |
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Thief: I completely, seriously intend to do my part. To kill you all. |
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Sarda: I was going to give you the illusion of a fighting chance, but now I'd rather your final moments were ones of complete despair. |
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Red Mage: The idea was that we could delay the final battle until we leveled back up, when actually we'd just ignore Chaos until the heat death of the Universe. And then, y'know, not our problem. But then he argued me down from infinity to 24 hours. |
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Thief: If we already had a real faerie, then why would we tear its wings off only to glue them on a baby that we'd have to steal? |
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Red Mage: Maybe we're trying too hard. |
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Black Mage: What I learned today is that really old wizards don't get that way by being easy to kill. |
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Red Mage: I can't decide if this is unfair or exactly what we deserve for being, well y'know, us. |
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White Mage: You are powerless, Chaos. |
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Fighter: Y'know what we should do? |
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Cop out and let down? Anyone surprised the Light Warriors had their hopes dashed demonstrates an amazing ability to miss a point made over 1,200 times. |
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