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  • Klinger's monologue in the pilot episode.

Klinger: If it pleases the court I'm a Korean Vet, in fact I'm a Korean Vet if it don't please the court, and things haven't been exactly I thought they be when I was still over there before I came back here. I remember when the GI's came home after World War Two, that was like a hit war you know, people threw flowers a GI just open his mouth and somebody put a kiss in it. I didn't expect a round the clock parading but didn't think everyone would go into hiding either. It's like the biggest secret of the Korean War is that there was a Korean War. You know what kills me? Nobody calls it that Police Action, Korean Conflict, take it from me it was a war it was dirty, it stunk at least call it what it was.

Don't get me wrong your honor I'm no kinda hero couldn't wait to get over there. First thing I did when I got my letter from my draft board, I tried to shoot my big toe off. I'd have done it, too, only my foot was too fast for me. I'd been a medic, a orderly, a clerk, and most of what they told me to do I couldn't unless I lied a little, stole a little. Somebody grab me and say "the ambulance is full Corporal go get a truck." Only you ain't got a truck, so you run down the road and see a driver from some other outfit in the woods with a copy of Stars and Stripes and his pants are down and suddenly you got a truck. Gets you a laugh in the army, here that gets you two years.
Judge: Or three.
Klinger: Anyhow it's been no bowl of roses coming back, I married a wonderful girl overseas, wonderful but believe me Eva Braun wouldn't get the kinda looks she gets over here. We'll be alright though all I need is time your honor and not the kind time you give out. I need to stop taking shortcuts I gotta put the war, the conflict whatever the hell they tell me I went though behind me.
Judge: You think you can make that adjustment?
Klinger: I once picked up a heart with my bare hands that slipped out on the table during a operation. I used to have to throw away arms and legs that weren't even twenty yet, in between I was sleeping on a two inch thick mattress full of three inch bugs and eating food that was prebarfed before we got it. Your honor if I can adjust to that...


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