Bad Santa/Quotes

"The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole
Without stepping in reindeer guts."

—"Weird Al" Yankovic, "The Night Santa Went Crazy

"Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass, he's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
Cause he's sick of shoveling snow and reindeer poo.

—The Arrogant Worms, "Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass

Amy: He knows when you are sleeping.
Prof. Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.
Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan!
Zoidberg: Oooooooooooooh...
Hermes: You'd better not breathe, you'd better not move.
Bender: You're better off dead, I'm tellin' you dude.
Fry: SANTA CLAUS IS GUNNING YOU DOWN!

—Futurama, "Xmas Story"

Calvin: Do you think there's an evil Santa?
Hobbes: An evil Santa??
Calvin: Yeah, like Santa's deranged twin brother, or something! He'd make toys for all the bad girls and boys! Evil Santa would give all the dangerous, annoying, and corrupting toys your parents won't allow!
Hobbes: And if you're good?
Calvin: He punishes you with shirts and underwear.

—Calvin and Hobbes

"Hey mums and dads, just smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes
And don't listen to him, boys and girls, 'cause he tells fucking lies!
He's just a pisstank and a pervert and he's not even very bright
'Cause the old fuckin' wanker forgot me fuckin' bike!"

—Kevin Bloody Wilson, "Hey Santa Claus You Cunt"

"Santa's gonna sit on your lap!"

—Sumo Santa, Clay Fighter 63⅓

"There's a song about him. It begins: You'd Better Watch Out..."

—Terry Pratchett, Soul Music

Frosty: Your sleigh used to be powered by the screams of children?

Santa: Used to be?

—Cracked's Seanbaby "Frosty the Snowman declares war on the War on Christmas". Conversation leading to this exchange not included for your mental well-being.

Minion: Y'know, you look like one of the kids I let sit on my lap once. 'Course, he was a cancer patient. Asked me if I could get rid of his cancer.
Krillin: Oh god, this is going exactly where I think it is, isn't it-
Minion: -So I blew him up! No more cancer.
Krillin: God, you are one of the worst mall Santas ever! Right behind those ones that molest kids!
Beat
Minion: ...So I'm the worst mall Santa?
Krillin: Oh, come on!

—Dragon Ball Abridged - "Christmas Tree of Might"

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