BioShock (series)/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • The "Lady Smith" splicer's funny rants. "You're worthless, you're nothing!" "There's proper folk, here. You don't fit in!" Check out her quotes.

Lady Smith: You call that tenderloin? If you serve that in any respectable hotel in New York, they'd laugh you out of town!

  • While many of the Splicer rants across both games are great examples, this example from Doctor Grossman has got to be one of the best:

Dr. Grossman: THERE'S SEMEN ON EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!

    • Another one:

Dr Grossman: When is a fever not a fever? WHEN I SAY IT ISN'T!

  • When you first get the Electro-Bolt plasmid in the first game, it's a very scary scene. However, the mood is lightened when Atlas says "Steady now! Your genetic code is being rewritten! Just hold on, and everything will be fine!" Dark humor on the level of Portal.
  • Speaking of which, Brute Splicer. My God, homophobic as he might be, that British bastard will make you laugh until you pass out, guaranteed.

Brute Splicer: The wind be whistlin'. Bye bye, lovah.

  • Waders: He offered you salvation, and you SHIT on him!
  • When you use the Enrage plasmid to make enemies fight each other, it's always a gas, especially when they're angrily cursing each other out.
    • Also funny if you use it to make a lone splicer lash out at a Big Daddy. Hilarity Ensues.
  • Sander Cohen. THAT IS ALL.
  • Getting two Big Daddies to duke it out in either game.
  • Dr. Suchong's very Karmic Death.

Suchong: "Get AWAY, you filthy little shit!" [Slap! little sister cries]
[Big Daddy growls]
Suchong: "NO! NO! GET AWAY! AGH!"

Fortune Telling Machine: Look at it this way: at least it'll be quick and painless.

  • Darkly hilarious moment in Bioshock 2. Immediately after finding the Incinerate Plasmid in an amusement park, a prerecorded announcement suggests lighting the fireplace for an animatronic couple. If you do, the fire travels along a trail of oil and engulfs the couple in flames.
    • In further Mundane Utility hijinks, the next announcement suggests you light someone's cigarette with your newfound power. However, close examination of the next animatronic setup shows that all of the dummies have been charred to a crisp: was the plasmid too powerful, or were the previous takers just really bad shots? Either one's hilarious.
  • In the end credits of Bioshock 2: "53,596 zombies were killed in the making of this game."
    • Also a Take That to Left 4 Dead, which one-upped Dead Rising's achievement for killing 53,594 zombies with its own achievement for killing 53,595 Infected.
    • Might actually be referring to one of the developers earning the Trail of Corpses achievement in [PROTOTYPE], which is for killing 53,596 zombies.
  • In Bioshock 2 After you rescue Eleanor and get her a Big Sister suit you get a plasmid that lets you summon her to help you in fights. What does the plasmid's description say? "It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day!"
  • In Bioshock 1, you fight out a boss battle against many, many Spider Splicers...to the tune of Waltz of the Flowers.
    • Doubly hilarious if you actually dance circles around the staircase while fighting them.
  • "What the hell?!"

(It's about 10 seconds into the video.)

    • If you choose to shoot the guy, the splicer prostitute screams "Not again!"
  • In the Fontaine Futuristics level of Bioshock 2, "Alex The Great" has this to say when you hack a vending machine:

"Well done! You won a battle of wits with a HOME APPLIANCE!"

  • Gilbert Alexander's the height of Crazy Awesome. Honorable mentions go to preventing you from entering a locked office by singing the Fontaine Futuristics jingle so loudly it interferes with the voice lock, and introducing the first Alpha Series with "I think one of your old co-workers wants to welcome you back to the office".
    • "How dare you try to buy me out with this-this bribe, this pittance, this sublime... God damn you, Delta!"
  • Any time you shoot someone with a rocket spear.
  • The sheer number of traps you can set. Trap rivets, trap spears, proximity mines, remote turrets, even a whirlwind trap plasmid... that you can charge with other plasmids! If you've got a full inventory you can literally fill the entire area with traps while guarding a little sister and just stand there and watch the carnage.
  • I think the steps to getting the secret achievement "9-Irony" qualify here.
    • In Ryan Amusements, after the Journey to the Surface ride becomes open to you, you will see an animatronic Andrew Ryan ready to greet you at the entrance. Leaning against the wall behind him is a golf club. You have Telekinesis. Following me? Good. Now, ask yourself: Are you a man, or a slave?
  • Sometimes carrying the Little Sisters around in BioShock (series) 2 leads to some amusing commentary:

(After setting a splicer on fire) Mmmm... Marshmallows!

(After upgrading a weapon at Power to the People Machine) Even Daddy's toys have toys!

(After setting down a decoy) No candy(?) for spooky Daddy.

(After electrocuting a splicer): Look Daddy, he's dancing!

(From BioShock (series) 1, in Dr Tenenbaum's hideout there's a candy bar next to a Little Sister. If you pick it up): That's mine! >:(

  • "GET OUT OF MY FUCKIN' OFFICE!!!"
  • During the teleportation bit after you grab the Unstable Teleport Plasmid, one of the things you randomly teleport to is the sight of the Plasmid floating through the air, apparently chasing some poor Splicer who is screaming in terror and running from it as fast as he can.
  • Yeah, Steinman's freaky as all get out, but still - "STOP CROWDING ME! LOOK IN A MIRROR! LOOK IN A MIRROR!"
    • Even better is the recording you get after his death: "Not What She Wanted." It points out the explicit moment that he went off the deep end.

Steinman: I never realized how much her face... sags. Scalpel.

  • Atlas's Irish accent can either be charming or flat out hilarious.

Goddam SPLOICERS!!!

    • Atlas' outburst from the first game when Ryan kills Julie with poison gas is rather darkly humorous.

Atlas: Every toime we get a yahd ahead, Roian goes and moves the goal posts down to the other end of the field!

    • And, of course, "Fistful O' Loitnin'" when you get the Electro-Bolt Plasmid.
  • Poole's comparing Lamb not charging admission to Dionysus Park in Rapture to "some kinda naturist camp where everybody wears pope hats and nothing else!"
  • The Ryan Amusements audio tour. "BUT THE PARASITES SAY NOOOOO!"
  • From the novel BioShock: Rapture, Dr. Tenenbaum trying to get a sperm sample from someone (who mistakenly thought that they were going to do something else):

Perhaps she'd thrust the needle into his gonad rather too vigorously. But for him to run screaming from the lab, naked from the waist down, with a syringe dangling from his groin, trailing blood and shrieking "That crazy bitch put a spike in my goddamn nuts!" seemed like an overreaction.

  • In Minerva's Den, the Spider Splicers wear horn rim glasses.
  • "Now would you kindly head to Ryan's office and kill the son of a bitch?" Admit it, before you found out its true significance, you chuckled a bit at this line.
    • Also, "Go get stepped on by a Big Daddy, would you kindly?"
  • When you're going after Hector Rodriguez for Cohen (the Nitro Splicer who continuously runs from you), make use of the Hypnotize Big Daddy plasmid and watch the thing go thundering down the hallways after him. It'll be a hilarious chase that will go halfway across Fort Frolic before Rodriguez finally gets beaten down.
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