Blatant Lies/Quotes

"Zozo? Never heard of it."

—Thief standing by the entrance of Zozo, Final Fantasy VI

"Anyone see what happened?"

"Of course not. They were all in the bathroom at the time."

—CSI

"YOU LIE!!!!"

—Invader Zim on frequent occasions.

[After she wakes up and see their room-mate staring at her and her girlfriend's entangled bodies]

Paulie: She... she gets serious nightmares.

—Lost and Delirious

Sometimes the truth hurts. In these situations, I recommend lying.

—Burn Notice

I'm making you a sales engineer, you'll be paid on commision. When our sales reps lie, it will be your job to make it look like the truth.

Try to avoid facts.

—Dilbert

Wedge: We'll need a wheeled transport, one of the flatcam units our pursuers are carrying, and four sets of women's clothing.
Hobbie: Boss, please tell me you're not putting us in women's clothing.
Wedge: Very well. I'm not putting us in women's clothing.
(In the next chapter, the four pilots are in women's clothing)
Hobbie: You lied to me.
Wedge: I did. With my brilliant achievements in the diplomatic profession has come the realization that lies can be powerful motivators.
Hobbie: My faith is shattered.
Wedge: You knew, when I said we needed four sets of women's clothing, that we were going to end up in them. You knew. So any hopes you had to the contrary were just self-delusion.

Hobbie: I understand that. But I'd rather blame you than me.

—Starfighters of Adumar

Dougal: Why didn't you lie to him?

Ted: I did! I told him great big massive lies with feckin' bells hanging off them!

—Father Ted, "Entertaining Father Stone"

"I HAVE NO LASERS, AND I WILL LASER TO DEATH ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE."

—Obviously Not Warmech, 8-Bit Theater, "The Ol' 180"

I'll just go in this police box and arrest myself.

—The Doctor, Doctor Who

Maura: Hey, babe. Where've you been?
Clango: Nowhere! I briefly ceased to exist in time and space!

Maura: That doesn't sound suspicious at all.

—Diesel Sweeties

Reimu: There's a limit, even to obvious lies.

—Touhou Project

If you saw a bullet hit a bird and he told you he wasn't shot, you might weep at his courtesy, but you would certainly doubt his word.

—Emily Dickinson

It was a difficult time. I did all that I could to protect my House and then other members of Court in attendance. More's the pity that I could not save that usurping, traitorous bitch.

—Lara Raith, in one of her blunter moments, The Dresden Files - White Night

Jon: FALCON PAWNCH!
Evan: I wonder who you are.
Jon: I'm, uh, Mario.
Azura: Mario has the PAWNCH?
Jon: Mario has a poncho. He's, uh, from Mexico.
Azura: Sweet.
Ashley: Or is he from Spain?

Jon: Ethnic minority Mario! Collect them all!

—Proton Jon and his friends, waiting for the next match to begin

(Antimony and Reynardine approach door, Antimony is wearing a headband with attached antennae.)
Antimony: Hello. I would like to enter, please.
Doorbot: Robots onl... what's that on your head?
Antimony: These are my antennas, because I am clearly a robot.
Doorbot: Oh! Well... it's true that some robots have antennas... hmm...
Antimony: Also, robots never lie.
Doorbot: Hey, you're right! Come on in, friends!
Antimony: We are looking for a particular robot. A... fellow robot. Because we are also robots.
Doorbot: Administration is right down that way.

Reynardine: Your powers of deception and trickery are bewildering, child.

—Gunnerkrigg Court

[Superintendent Chalmers sees Principal Skinner's is glowing (as it is aflame)]
Chalmers: Good Lord! What is happening in there?!
Skinner: Aurora Borealis.
Chalmers: A- Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? LOCALIZED IN YOUR KITCHEN?!
Skinner: Yes.

Chalmers: (Beat) ...may I see it?

—The Simpsons

Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency, I thought you'd left!
Chicolini: Oh no, I no leave.
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!

Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

—Duck Soup

I can never tell when a thimblerigger does this stupid trick of linking to a source that contradicts the statement for which the link is offered in support, if the thimblerigger actually is unable to read English because his eyes are bewitched, but he somehow actually believes his own lying spew? or if he knows it is lying spew, but is confident that the reader will not click through the link and read? Or perhaps, (and this is the most desolate and sad option of the three), the thimblerigger knows the reader will click, will see and understand that the lying spew is lying spew, but both reader and thimblerigger will admire and love the lying spew they both know to be a lie precisely because it is lying spew: and take it as a sign of virtue that they both together defy truth, reality, reason and judgment, in some sort of a mental suicide pact.

— We Also Call Them Morlocks in John C. Wright's Journal