Bum Reviews/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • Chester's review of Twilight sums it up well enough.

"And then the kids are like 'OH MY GOD I GET IT! (Pause) That kid is SUPERMAN!'"

    • "I smell pretentiousness! SHE'S THAT WAY!"
    • "And so, the girl and the vampire go on a date... THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE BEGINNING OF A JOKE DOESN'T IT ?!"
    • "And I'm like 'People from Egypt can tell you're a vampire! You don't hide it very well! All that's missing is a shirt that says 'I am a vampire, bite me!'"
    • "And the computer is like: "He's a bloodsucker! A creature of the night! Nosferatu!" And then the computer is like: "Do I have to spell it out for you?! A VAMPIRE!""
      • "And the girl is like, "Oh my God! ...That is SO HOT!""
    • "And his skin starts shining like diamonds! And the girl is like, 'Boy, some girls are lucky if their boyfriend gets them a diamond. But my boyfriend is COVERED IN DIAMONDS! Can I just wear you on my finger?!'"
    • So, the good vampire has to suck the evil out of her arm. And the father is like, "You have to stop sucking. You're sucking too much!" And the boy vampire is like, "That's nothing. You should see what she sucked on me!"
      • Hiyo!
      • Thank you, I'll be here all week.
    • "I will just stare at you." Cue silence as Bum!Edward and Bum!Bella stare at each other. "...For some reason, I find that very attractive."
  • Chester A. Bum's review of Up:

"I was an Asian Boy Scout once! Wasn't that a weird week."

    • "And all the characters are there. Including...the bird (CAW!), Carl (Meh), the boy (Wow!), the dog (Squirrel!), the chipmunk dog (indeed.), Muntz (BIIIIIIIIIIIIRD!)!"
      • "And Eight Bit Mickey! (Ding!) I love that guy."
      • And later... "And they all live happily ever after...ALL of them. The bird (CAW!), Carl (Meh), the boy (Wow!), the dog (Squirrel!), the chipmunk dog (indeed.), Muntz (BIIIIIIIIIIIIR- No,no, not Muntz. He's dead."
    • "OF COURSE! That's what all people should do! We should send all the old people in the sky. Than everybody would complain how slow they fly! 'Hey Grandpa, can your house can move any slower?!?!?!?!? Come on, step on the hellium.'"
  • Bum Reviews Watchmen:

"And there's this atomic guy, who looks like he's trying out for the naked Blue Man Group! I was in the Naked Blue Man Group once! Apparently, I wasn't Jewish enough, whatever that means. And this blue guy, he can defeat anybody he wants, because everyone is distracted by his giganto penis! Seriously! Doesn't the guy put on any pants? My penis is blue too, but you don't see me flaunting it around! Okay, once or twice. Every Tuesday."

    • Later, when discussing Russians:

I was in Russia once! They said I wasn't Jewish enough... or was that a brothel? It was a Russian Brothel! (Imitating Russian Accent) I will go down on you for twenty Rubles

  • The Bum Review of the The Day the Earth Stood Still remake: "So Reeves is like, 'Wow, there's two nice people on this planet! I better stop destroying it!' The only problem is... he doesn't know how... I guess this advanced alien race doesn't believe in Turn-Off buttons. Especially when it comes to destroying worlds, 'cause that's not important."
  • Bum Reviews Hancock:

He defeats people by putting them up other people's asses! That better happen in the new Dark Knight movie! The Joker will be like "I am going to kill everyone!" and Batman will be like "You are going inside an ass!" Bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-splut! THE END!

  • Chester arguing with his penis.
  • Chester deciding midway through his review of Hellboy II: The Golden Army that the whole thing was just a drug-induced hallucination, and checking himself into rehab.
  • Chester voted for Barack Obama. Why? Because he's got change.
  • Bum Reviews Star Trek, best summed up with five words:

"Live long, and SUCK IT!"

    • Then there's the bit where, in a parody of the controversy surrounding Family Guy as a result of a joke that targets Sarah Palin and her Down's Syndrome striken child, he accused Family Guy of stealing his joke and tries to sue Fox for a furbished box.
  • His review of New Moon. "I'm going to go with the vampire guy." "Why?!" "He stared at me!"
    • "You're an idiot."
    • Just his impersonation of Edward Cullen sounding as bland and monotone as possible is pure hilarity.
    • The Curse of the Missing Shirts.

"What is this, Sparta High School? All they have to do is speak through their teeth and yell every word! Tonight we dine...IN THE CAFETERIA HALL!!!"

    • "...And one of the leaders is DAKOTA FANNING! I always knew she was a vampire! She acted like she was 30 years old when she was only 5!" [holds up 4 fingers]
    • "I'm a good-looking teenaged girl. I love it when boys treat me like crap." "Dude, you can have her!"
  • In his review of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, this line pops up:

Chester A. Bum: "And so Harry becomes extremely lucky, because he drinks this luck potion! And I'm like: 'pfft. Yeah, who hasn't seen Red Dwarf?' What? I'm brushed up on my United Kingdom sci-fi/comedies, isn't everyone? Pfft. Savages."

  • ...Seriously? Seriously?!?! Not a SINGLE mention of his review of District 9?

"....I am most perpleximated."

  • In the Terminator Salvation review, Chester shows off his computer which turns out to be a cardboard box with the word 'comput-tem-uter' on it. All he can get are emails on how to get his penius enlarged.
  • Chester's entire wanderings through Youmacon after taking a bit too much LSD. Probably the best bit is doing the Marx Brothers mirror routine with a Chester A. Bum cosplayer.
    • Which culminates in Chester running off with the cosplayer's change cup.

Chester Cosplayer: He stole my chaaaange..!

    • And then they run into 90s Kid, then a Linkara cosplayer, and then both the Bum and 90s kid talk about how Linkara sucks. After that 90s Kid finds a 90s Kid cosplayer, and they have a Dude-off.
      • "Whoever can get the dude off each other first, wins! I'll be the dude!"
    • Chester breaking up a fight between Shredder and a Ninja Turtle. "Don't fight! I'll marry both of you!"
    • Chester and his clone discussing yaoi.

Chester Cosplayer: It's two boys! Together!
Chester: But we are two boys together!
Chester Cosplayer: Not like that!

    • Chester yelling at the camera.

GIVE ME BACK MY SOUL! GIMME...wow, feet!

    • This exchange.

Chester: [sees Harley Quinn and Harry Potter cosplayers pretending to burn a copy of Twilight] Twilight! That's THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
Harley: Burn it!
Chester: NOOOOOOOOO! IT'S THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! ...wait, is that the book?
Harley: Yeah.
Chester: The book sucks!

"I think this [LSD] is too strong."

  • "What's with all these movies showing their titles twice? First Terminator Salvation, now this. Do they really think we're gonna forget the title in five seconds? Actually, considering what I just smoked, that's not a bad idea."
  • His pointing out all the loopholes in the way the magical curses work in The Princess and the Frog.

Chester: "What's with all the loopholes? Seriously, was this a fairy tale written by a lawyer?"

    • "Let's see if we can find Alan Menken in this forest! PLEASE find Alan Menken in this forest!"
    • "But then the dad is like, 'I'm a parent who's married in a Disney film! I'm DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!' And then he dies! Huh, what a shocker."
      • "But before he dies, he tells Tiana something very important! 'If you really want what your heart desires, just wish upon a star!' Heehee! That's the traditional Disney way! 'But that's only part of it! You have to work hard and save up all your money!' ...HUUUUWHAT?! You have to work in order to make your dreams come true?! ALL THESE YEARS I've been doing nothing but wishing upon a star and thinking that was gonna help me! But it turns out I have to WORK?! Disney lied to me! They lied to my childhood!!"
    • "Disney, just because you can kill off a main character, doesn't mean you should. If that's the case, why didn't you kill off Rosie O'Donnell in Tarzan?!?!?! That damn dirty ape.
    • A Big Lipped Trumpet Playing Alligator Moment!
    • Ray the lightning bug to save the day-ah!
    • Chester's interpretation of Friends on the Other Side:

Facilier!Chester: I'll make a deal with you, Prince Naveen!
Naveen!Chester: Okay!
Facilier!Chester: I'm gonna turn you into a frog!
Naveen!Chester: Okay! Wait a minute...
Facilier!Chester: Too late!
Naveen!Chester: [poofs out of existance, a croak is heard]

  • From his review of James Cameron's Avatar-"There's this bald boy, who can control the wind! Oops...wrong Avatar!"
  • "It's Hannibal Lecter, you morons! He ate his liver with some father beans and a nice candy!"
    • "There's this actor, called Benicio Del Toro, and he's playing this actor, whose name is not Benicio Del Toro! Woah, I just blew my mind!"
      • "But that's not very difficult, just about anything can blow my mind. My FINGERNAILS can blow my mind...that was seriously underwhelming."
    • Mr...Puppychow...
    • "... And once he was bitten, he turns into what everyone turns when they're bitten by a Wolfman... A VAMPIRE! Oh, wait... A ZOMBIE! Oh, wait... ONE OF THE JONAS BROTHERS!!!"
    • "So to disprove his delusions, they throw him under the full moon to prove he won't turn into The Wolfman!"

"Now, are you turning into the Wolfman?"
"No..."
"You see? There's nothing to worry abou-"
"GRAAAAH!!!"
"... Fudge."

  • Chester gets a lawyer. Hilarity Ensues . "We will get...A BOX!"
  • From his How to Train Your Dragon review: "And Hiccup can fly him! * airplane noise as Chester zips past the screen* But he's bad at it. * screams and crashes off-screen* "
    • And "And he's like 'You're not my son!' 'Technically I am.' 'Well, metaphorically, you're not! 'Nooo-'"
    • "And then the evil father tries to kill the Big Bad Dragon! But he's like..!"

"WHOA, I DIDN'T KNOW THE DRAGON WAS THAT BIG! OR BAD! OR DRAGON!"

  • From his Alice in Wonderland review: "It was the most realistic movie I've ever seen. It's probably not the most realistic you've ever seen, but then, YOU'RE NOT ON DRUGS!"
    • "Seriously, wasn't there a video game this movie is based on? And wasn't it made by a guy named... American McCheese?"
  • Chester A. Bum breaking into the pledge drive. "It's the wall again!".
  • From his review of Iron Man 2:
  • From Prince of Persia: Sands of Time-
    • "What did I take? I should stop."
    • "Marty, it runs on sand!"
    • "We're so not going to get together by the end of the movie!"
      • Acting out a makeout scene...with only one person.
    • "Couldn't they have just used a ladder?!"
    • "What a way to go - death by robe! Kinda like a Richard Burton movie... Yeah, I know." * joke-over-the-head motion*
    • "Who else would shave his head and wear a diaper all day?!" Chester raises his hand, and smacks it back down.
    • "But look on the bright side, it could've been directed by Uwe Boll!" Lightning strikes. "I mean he whose name shall not be mentioned."
    • His reaction to describing some parts of the movie.
    • "I WAS RUNNING FROM THE LAW ONCE!" * sirens, Chester panics and ducks.*
  • Wait a minute! Jackie Chan is Jackie Chan!
    • (When talking about the original The Karate Kid): "Why did you use that way ('Wax on, Wax off') to show me to fight?" "* wheezing laughter* "
    • Chinese lip-syncing.
    • The Kung-karate Hu-wah! pose.
    • "I TAUGHT EVERYONE I KNOW ABOUT THE 'WAX ON, WAX OFF' METHOD! IN FACT I KNOW A GUY WHO TELLS ME HE WAX OFF ALL THE TIME!" * About to say something, but stops.*
    • "I LEARN KUNG FU THAT WAY ONCE! Or was that pole dancing? EITHER WAY I ENDED IT UP NAKED!!"
    • "I'm controoooling you, noooow watch my Matrix move!" * whack*
  • From the review of Zombieland:

I was a zombie once! I was a member of the Oprah Book Club.

  • From his review of Toy Story 3:

They control him by turning on the Jerky Idiot Mode! * pause* I think that's the mode Glenn Beck has been on for a while now.

Bum!Jacob: I know you love me, will you come back to me?
Bum!Bella: Yes, if you put on a freakin' shirt!
Bum!Jacob: NEVAH!!!!!!!!!!

"It's like The Matrix, except unpretentiously smart!"

  • "MY TESTICLES KILLED A WILD BOAR!"
    • "Iamarnoldschwartseneggerbye."
    • "...I'm Dolph Lundgren."
  • His review of The Social Network. Starts with a fake-out, just goes on from there.
    • "I CRASHED HARVARD'S COMPUTER SERVERS ONCE! With my Prius!"
    • His impersonation of the wealthy twins
  • In his review of Jackass 3D:
    • "I ONCE PINNED THE TAIL ON A DONKEY ONCE! ...it died of cancer."
  • In his review of Paranormal Activity 2, three words : mexican super nanny. Chester strolls across the screen, his fist risen and singing the Mexican Hat Dance.
  • Everything about the bum review of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1.

Lester: That's kind of weird -- don't they have friends who remember Hermafradorf?
Chester: Yeah, that's true, I mean, is it like...
Actor!Friend: Hey, guys, how's your daughter Hermafradorf?
Actor!Parents: (shrug and look confused)
Chester: They don't know!
Actor!Dad: We just like to keep photos of blank walls.

  • Tron: Legacy:
    • "I went into a video game once! Mario's actually Scottish!"
    • "Wait a minute...A movie with Jeff Bridges and two mistaken identities? OH MY GOD IT'S The Big Lebowski 2!!!"
      • And thus Bum does the original Jeff Bridges character as The Dude for the rest of the review.
  • The entirety of his coverage of the 2011 Chicago blizzard.

You are horrible people!

"Wait a minute! Iron Man, the Hulk, all the Marvel characters...OH MY GOD, Marvel is putting together a baseball team! Spider-Man can be the shortstop, Wolverine can be the pitcher, and the Hulk will be the umpire, because you do not want to piss off that umpire. He will eat you...I hear Howard the Duck has promise!"

  • From his Rango review:
    • The takeover by Raoul Puke.
    • The mari-owl-chi band's songs.

"Aiii-aii-ai-ai! We're building up to a letdown!"
"Aiii-aii-ai-ai! We ripped you off big time!"

    • "So the moles call upon their most fearsome weapon...bats." *cue Raoul freaking out.*
    • "If there's one thing I've learned, it's never trust a turtle! Good advice."
    • "This is Raoul Puke, father of Fozzie journalism, saying..." [looks around, grabs Chester's cup] "I have a cup!" [music plays] "I still have a cup!"
  • From his review of Twilight 4 Red Riding Hood:
    • Correcting the narrator who thought this was Twilight 4, then arguing with him all throughout the review.
    • "Tween girl porn".
    • "And the moral of the story is...BESTIALITY IS OKAY!"
    • And the ending run of Little Red Riding Hood Double Entendres.

"She's taking off his sheep's clothing! He's riding her hood! She's blowing his house down! The better to eat her with! She's taking him to Grandma's house! He's checking under her hood! Holy smoke, I gotta make a book of these!"

Coulson: He's depressed. Call it off!
Hawkeye: Aw!
Bum: Aw? What do you call that thing anyways?
Hawkeye: The Cocktease.
Bum: Good name!

  • From X-Men First Class

"Why is it that Nazi's are always the bad guys?"
Magneto: They're going to fire their missiles at us!
Xavier: (soothingly) Dude, they're not going to fire their missiles at us!
Soldier: Fire our missiles at them!
Xavier: (mildly annoyed) Okay, you're seriously not helping!

    • --> Xavier: To control your power, you must first control your anger. Just like I control my hairloss.

Magneto: Why is it that I don't trust you?

  • From Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
    • "I was a British a-hole once!" -sad- "MY FATHER'S SIMON COWELL! PLEASE DADDY, STOP CRITIQUING MY MESSAGES TO TAKE ME BACK!"
    • His extremely hammy impression of Voldemort.

"Brrring me Harry Pottaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh."
"Oh! Somebody injured my little snake. *Beat* I'm dead now. *dies*

    • "*Treguna Mekoides*" *Ahem* "I mean, *Oh-eh-oh, Ooooo~ooo oh*" *Ahem* "I mean, "Doo-doo-doodoo-doo-Dooo~oh"
    • Calling the trio nuts for sending their kids to Hogwarts: "If I thought back to the most traumatic experience where all my friends died, I wouldn't be like, 'Yeah... I want my kid to go through that.' "
  • Captain America (comics):

Mister Rogers: Won't you be my Avenger?
And then Mister Rogers becomes "Who'd Like to Roger Me?"

  • Dr Insano and Chester were a riot. They need to interact more often.
    • At the beginning of the video, when Dr. Insano introduces his new henchman, the Bum attempts an "Igor" impression.

Chester: (looking over a tiny coffin) What tiny little people do you think have to die to fit in this?
Insano: (bleakly) I buried my first test subject rat in one of those...

    • Continually throwing Canadian coins to the ground at a con in Canada.
      • One time he throws the coin to the ground and it bounces and lands back in the woman's bag.
    • While shuffling through a giant box of video games, Bum goes: "Do you have that one game that the Spoony One really likes – uh, Final Fantasy 26!"

Insano: Almost like the Japanese don't know what the word "Final" means.

    • They go outside to a group of nerds fighting and briefly join in, taking the advantage to reference Suburban Knights. The opponent distracts Bum by calling "change", Insano uses Spoony's "Two Magic" ploy (substituting "science" for "magic" naturally), and finally Bum surrenders by having the opponent tap his sword a la That Dude in the Suede.

Insano: I have used science and ingenuity to defeat all who oppose me… (Watches the Bum flail around with a sword.) …whereas he is simply stupid.

    • Dr. Insano vs. Dr. Holocaust.
    • The way Bum answers a woman who asks if he and the Nostalgia Critic found the necronomicon.

Bum: Oh, it's the most horrifying thing that's ever happened! I can't possibly talk about it unless it comes out on a Suburban Knights DVD hopefully in two weeks to a month, thank you for asking.

Bum: That's how I got where I am!

Insano: (upon seeing a game character named Spoon) What kind of stupid name is that?!
Bum: Role-playing? You mean where people dress up in different costumes and pretend they're someone else? That's stupid!

    • Dr. Insano is distracted twice by girls in uniforms, and Bum attempts to hit on a girl with a very flattering top only to be scared off by her rather muscular boyfriend.
    • All of their interaction with Keith Apicary.
    • The entire ending of the video. Bum tells Insano to give his "presiment's" speech, then hums "The Star-Spangled Banner" under the speech, getting louder and hammier to the point that Insano has to stop because he can't be heard (and because Spoony is trying hard not to crack up). By the end he's standing on a table engaged in a duet/competition-for-who-can-sing-loudest with Keith Apicary. Insano lets him get all the way through the song before telling him that was the wrong anthem.
      • Then in a Heartwarming Moment, Bum tries again and leads the entire crowd in singing "Oh, Canada."
  • From Twilight : Breaking Dawn Part 1 :
    • The running gag of "It's Twilight," as the explanation for every illogical plot point.
    • "So Bella is going to give birth to a half human, half vampire hybrid... OH MY GOD SHE'S GIVING BIRTH TO BLADE!!!"
      • "It's open season on all sparklers!"
      • "PLEASE DO THAT TWIST! I would love you forever if you do that twist!"
    • "I'm Edward."
      • "SHUT UP!"
    • When telling us that Bella's baby is trying to kill her from the inside...

Chester-as-the-baby : I WANT OUT OF THIS PRETENTIOUSNESS!!!

    • "And so the baby is born but it kills Bella in the process. All the girls start crying and all the boys break out the champagne."
  • From The Muppets
    • "It's time to Muppet show show! This is the Muppet Show! Muppet Muppet Muppet Muppet! Well you know the words."
    • This conversation...

Chester!Kermit: "I really do love you!"
Chester!Piggy: "I know, this is how we end every Muppet movie."
Chester!Kermit: "Ready to make the audience cry like pansies with Rainbow Connection?"
Chester!Piggy: "Oh yeah!"
Chester!Kermit: "That's right audience, it's Toy Story 3 all over again!"

      • Just, the Bum's impressions of the Muppets are hilarious in general.
  • His review of the Critic vs. Angry Video Game Nerd battle. "You give him back his funny or there will be Nerd-on-Bum action! ...wait, does that mean what I think it means?"
    • "SUPER-MEGA-KABLOOEY JESUS!"
  • From The Borrower Arrietty:
    • Chester comparing the size of the Borrower to Danny Devito's testicle.
    • Points out that since this is a Miyazaki film, no one will be surprised by the weirdness in the film.

Chester!Sho: It's a Miyazaki film. We're never surprised by anything. Two girls rode inside cat that was a bus and that barely got a reaction.
Chester!Arrietty: Miyazaki is weird.
Chester!Sho: Yes. But he is awesome!
Chester!Arrietty: Awesome!

    • "But the girl can't help but keep up with her relationship with the boy. It's kinda like Twilight, only we give a crap".
    • When Sho tells Arrietty he is dying:

Chester!Arrietty: You're dying?!
Chester!Sho: Yes. However, I am going through an operation. They say there's a very slim chance that it could help...
Chester!Arrietty: You live don't you?
Chester!Sho: How you know that?
Chester!Arrietty: Anytime a character is going through operation they always come out okay.
Chester!Sho: Not always.
Chester!Arrietty: Name five.
Chester!Sho: Okay. (Puts up a finger for each word) Shut. The. Hell. Up. Bitch!

    • Near the end:

Chester: So we're off to see all the other Borrowers that exist in the world...
(the words "The End" appears, music plays in the background, credits the animators to the film to "A bunch of other Japanese names you'll never be able to pronounce well.")
Chester: Oh. I guess that's it.

    • "Arrietty is still a great movie. It teaches us some much like...If you see little people you're not necessary on drugs. And that something I really need to hear!"
  • From John Carter:
    • Chester has the people from Helium talk like, well, they're on helium!
  • From The Hunger Games
    • Doing the entire review in Jittercam
    • At the end of the review:

Chester: "But the guy in charge is like:"
Chester!Guy in Charge: "I'm going to go find a sequel."
(Chester turns around and walks into the wall)
Chester!Guy in Charge: "...Ow."

  • From The Avengers
    • The Avengers is so good, Doug has to break character by taking of the hat and wig while telling everyone to see the movie. Twice.
    • Chester compares the Helicarrier to Battleship and calmly remarks that he saw that trailer and reassures the audience to remember The Avengers came out and everything will be okay.
      • The two appearances of Chester in the guise of comic book nerds that provide exposition on the bits of the movie only die-hard comic fans would know.
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