"Oh, thank you, great-king-with-balls-of-fire, king-whose-great-rod-my-mouth-yearns-for."
"Go on, silver bitch. You may not yet stuff your mouth with my wondrous rod."
Infamous Lord of the Rings fanfic that it is widely regarded as one of the worst fanfics ever written, to the point of Memetic Mutation. Celebrían, here spelled sans accent, is a briefly mentioned tertiary character in The Lord of the Rings (she's actually Elrond's wife in canon but she doesn't get any development) who gets kidnapped by orcs and is subjected to several forms of rape, Body Horror, and other Squick for over 21,000 words. It is widely regarded as really bad, but there are still others that find it comedic for the extensive lengths it goes off the deep end, along with the sheer ridiculousness of the dialogue and prose. Either way, reading it is regarded as something of an endurance test - finish reading "Celebrian", and you can read just about anything.
Several complaints are not that it is BAD, but that it is DULL;
"When I'd finally psyched myself up to read it, I could hardly get past the first page, not because I was so disgusted, but because it was so inordinately DULL. How is it possible to make so much porn so freaking BORING?"
Some brave soul decided to do Celebrian's first dramatic reading. Here's the Intro. Needless to say, they start going quite insane by the second part. And the fifth. And the sixth, where the reader becomes drugged on NyQuil.
- A-Cup Angst: When Celebrian first meets the goblin/orc king, she is supremely disappointed that her small breasts which are beautiful by elven standards do not please him.
- A Date with Rosie Palms
- Alliteration: "lavender labia"
- Biggus Dickus
- Body Horror: the teeth. Oh god, the teeth... Never mind the warts on top of zits on top of carbuncles on top of unnamed bumps.
- Breast Expansion Celebrian's bust becomes monstrously large halfway through the story.
- Bile Fascination: It's... It's so incredibly, horrifyingly full of Nightmare Fuel and Squick you just can't look away.
- Canon Defilement: In spades.
- Dead Baby Comedy: Albeit unintentionally.
- Erotic Dream
- Exotic Equipment: The orc king's warty cock and Celebrian's lavender labia.
- Eye Scream: After giving so many orcs blowjobs, Celebrian eventually develops mouths on her eyelids.
- Actually, those are just tattoos. Still pretty squick though.
- Fetish Retardant
- Gag Boobs: Celebrian's breasts are described as so big, it's barely possible for the reader to imagine how exactly they fit on her torso.
- Happiness in Slavery
- Happy Ending: In a twisted sort of way.
- I Have Many Names:
"No, bitch. You know the rules. Name thyself."
She stared at the cruel king. Then slowly and deliberately, she named herself.
"Cock-sucker. Ball-licker. Cum-drinker. Cock-lover. King's-sheath. Dick-sucker."
- Interspecies Romance: Elf/orc, elf/horse, and elf/warg. If you call that "romance", at least.
- "It's Not Rape If You Enjoyed It": Heavily implied when Celebrian becomes uninterested in her husband's small, wartless penis and begins to pine for something... larger and wartier.
- Mars Needs Women
- Memetic Mutation
- MST: Generally considered the only way to enjoy it at all, or even survive it while still retaining one's sanity. Assuming, of course, you don't have some very odd fetishes, that is.
- My Girl Is a Slut: And how!
- Nausea Fuel: Where to begin?
- Nightmare Fuel: Some haven't even read it yet, and is already deeply disturbed by the images this All The Tropes page has created.
- When Celebrian returns to her elven land she finds that ice cream tastes exactly like the Goblin/Orc king's cum and proceeds to eat A LOT OF IT. Good incentive to go dairy free after reading this fic?
- Post-Rape Taunt: Once you go... warty... you never go back?
- Rape Is Love
- Snark Bait
- Squick: Let's start with the warts...
- The Scottish Trope: Among certain parts of the fanfic community, it's referred to as "C*l*br**n" or "C*l*b*i*n".
- Troll Fic: One of the most infamous.
- You Fail Biology Forever
- You Fail Sex Ed Forever