DC Comics/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.
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Spoiler: "Please? I'll be your best friend."
Batgirl: "You... wouldn't last."
Spoiler: "Try me."
<insert full page of utterly, utterly, one-sided humiliation of a teen hero barely a step up from an Ordinary High School Student at the hands of the local Charles Atlas Superpower poster girl here>
Spoiler: <vomits> "Wow." <staggers visibly> "So... same time tomorrow?"

    • Any Batgirl and Spoiler scene is priceless.

Spoiler: You're going to have to knock me out if you want to do that.
Batgirl: -nerve strike
*scene repeats*
Or:
Stephanie: When my dad was mad at me he'd lock me in the closet--what did yours do?
Cassandra: Shot me.
(Both laugh hysterically.)
Stephanie: Oh, man. I can't beat you at anything.

  • Suicide Squad. For such a serious comic, it had its fair share of these. C'mon, the image of people the caliber of Lois Lane, Amanda Waller and half the Squad, including serious heavy hitters such as Vixen, Bronze Tiger and Nemesis getting the Pie in the Face is simply too much to ignore. And then they kick the prankster, Captain Boomerang, on a desert island. And when Waller congratulates herself for finally getting rid of Boomerang, another pie hits her face.
    • The entirety of the issue where Doctor Light is sent to Hell, and is resurrected. Only to find himself still in the coffin with no way out. And so again to Hell with him. Or the first Doctor Light reviving and getting out of his grave still halfway decomposed, trying to be a hero, only to get beaten up and destroyed by the fundie family he tried to "save". And again Arthur Light when he gets yet another chance to get out (possessing the female Doctor Light for a while before being kicked out and humiliated yet again), and begs Waller for a job... to find her dismissing him and suggesting he find a job with the Justice League.
    • And of course, they have to return for Boomerang. In the time they've left him in the island he's built a huge boomerang out of materials he's found in the island. Just to prove how much of an idiotic idea it was, Vixen sets off the launching mechanism for the boomerang. It crashes in a huge rock seconds after being launched. The formerly boasting Boomerang returns to his bootlicking persona moments after a priceless scene.
    • Captain Boomerang again. In the first issues, he wasn't above trying to spin the Suicide Squad program so he could get a fancy house outside Belle Reve and time at his leisure so he could commit crimes freely with the Mirror Master equipment. Unfortunately, for him, he got caught... as Mirror Master. He thought at the time he was being confused with the original Mirror Master, Sam Scudder, when he got drafted by Waller into the Squad... again. During a graveyard stakeout in which the team was attacked by zombies and steadily zombified, Boomerang made repeated, and miserable, attempts to keep switching between Mirror Master and Boomerang. Until the lights went on, and the whole charade was revealed: it was all a setup to humiliate him - and inform him he had lost all privileges... including voluntary stay in the Squad.
      • And when he got slapped with the explosive wristband of the Squad as Mirror Master, Boomerang had to conceal it, as he technically was assumed to be a loyal agent who didn't need it. He hid it under an arm cast.
  • The John Rogers/Keith Giffen Blue Beetle series has a few- no, lots. For example, after Lonar headbutts Jaime...

Blue Beetle: Gah! That hurt through the armor! What are you packing in there?
Lonar: JUSTICE!!!
Blue Beetle: You have a forehead full of justice? What does that even mean?

    • Or when Guy Gardner, uncharacteristically swallowing his pride, comes to Jaime's house to try and apologize. Jaime, understandably freaked out because Guy tried to kill him at their last meeting, blasts Guy and screams for everyone to run. Instead, his mom just marches right into the middle of it and starts lecturing him.

Bianca Reyes (Jaime's mom): Is this how we raised you? If this is how you're going to behave with superpowers, young man, that is not acceptable...
(Guy starts to get up, his temper long gone and his ring starting to form weapons. Bianca promptly whirls on him and gives him both barrels as well)
Bianca Reyes: Is that a giant green fist?
Guy Gardner: (backing up and sweating visibly) Uh... uh... er..
Bianca Reyes: Is. That. A. Giant. Green. Fist.
Brenda: Always the cool mom...
Paco: Wow. She's...
Alberto Reyes (Jaime's dad): the reason I never have to raise my voice.

Eclipso: I'll make it special for you. I am wrath. I am temptation. I deliver to each their own, fitting, perfect destruction. I will release Jaime Reyes' deepest, darkest fantasies of ultimate power. You will die at the hand of your greatest friend! Witness the monster within the Blue Beetle!
Jaime: I... am... a dentist!
Eclipso: Wait. What? What in Neron's name is going on here?
Traci 13: Beats me.
Eclipso: You're the secret power fantasy of a teenager with an alien killing machine at his command?

      • That's a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, too. Why does he want to be a dentist? To pay off his parents' mortgage, send Milagro to college, get a vacation home near his grandma's.... This troper immediately fell in love with the kid at that.
  • Larfleeze's many, many insane rants.
    • Heck, it doesn't need to be a rant, as the following proves when all the dead bodies of those he has killed to create his orange construct-esque Lanterns are resurrected and surround him.

Larfleeze: Yuh-oh.

    • Really, there were a lot of gems in the "Agent Orange" arc where Larfleeze made his debut that qualify, even if he wasn't at center stage. Some memorable ones include Hal Jordan temporarily falling under the evil influence of the Orange Power Battery:

Orange Power Battery: You could really go for a hamburger right now, couldn't you? Two hamburgers!

    • Larfleeze to rival Orange Lantern Lex Luthor: The ring is mine! And if you ever get hair, that's mine too!
    • Larfleeze in Vegas. His first encounter with a complimentary buffet:

Larfleeze: All-you-can-eat.... I HAVE ARRIVED!!!

      • Also, Hal trying to properly utilize the Blue Lantern Ring, which only works if you find something to genuinely hope for:

Hal Jordan (falling out of the sky): World peace. I hope for world peace!
Blue Lantern Ring: Insincerity registered.
Hal Jordan: Dammit! *continues to fall*

    • Double when the ring finally registers a sincere hope. The hope that eventually, the ring will shut up and quit asking what he hopes for.

Blue Power Ring: Sincerity Registered.
Hal: Oh you've got to be kidding me.

  • Issue 51 of Superman/Batman. All of it. But especially the Goshdarned Batman.
  • The 'K' arc (from which the chibi League debuted) had a number of other funny moments, and made even funnier because most of them involve the normally Comically Serious Batman, if not actually being delivered by him:
    • The ridiculously inaccurate Superman/Batman movie, which takes...a few liberties with Batman's character, making him a blond who had a sister, with both being victims of child abuse, and having him inspired to become Batman because of the baseball bat wielded by his father. His batcave is also on the moon. All the while the real Batman and Superman are watching the filming process; Bruce is not amused, but Clark sure is.

Batman: (internal monologue) This is garbage.
Superman: (internal monologue) This is hysterical.

    • After Superman is recovering from being hit by Kryptonite shrapnel, he wears an eyepatch to cover the damaged eye and approaches Batman and says he has a question for him.

Batman: (sporting a visible grin) No, Clark. You can't borrow my pirate ship.

    • Superman gets exposed to a new type of kryptonite and has the munchies.
    • While Superman is fighting a losing battle with "The American Boy," a Doomsday clone modified to have Kryptonite bone protrusions, Batman flies in on his Batwing to assist.

Batman: (sporting another visible grin) Damn, I really liked this one. Fastest top speed yet.
*Batman crashes the Batwing into "The American Boy."*
Batman: Good thing I'm rich.

    • A small one, following the battle with "The American Boy" where Clark and Bruce have dinner at the Kent farm:

Martha Kent: Eat your peas, Bruce.
Bruce Wayne: Yes, ma'am.

Superman: He used a bowline knot.
Green Arrow: A what?
Superman: A bowline knot--to the tie the other end of the noose to the door. They call it a bowline knot, though he added a Dutch marine twist.
Green Arrow: And you recognized that?
Superman: It's a common Boy Scout knot.
Green Arrow: (internal monologue) I love him and hate him in the very same breath.

  • Green Arrow Black Canary #15, from Page 13: If You Know What I Mean?
    • Also in issue #7, when Ollie thinks he has been followed by aliens and calls in Green Lantern to help. Hal promptly discovers that the bad guys are actually humans wearing masks. When Ollie protests that it was easy for Hal to find this out, because of his power ring, Hal replies that he spotted the zippers around their necks. And though Ollie pleads with him not to tell anyone, Hal has already send a video to the JSA, the JLA and Batman...
  • From Supergirl: Cosmic Adventures in the 8th Grade: "Mother, Father, would you please be so kind as to pass the salt?"
    • That whole series is a goldmine for these.

Supergirl: Ah...hey, guys. So, uh...what's going on?
Belinda: I was trying to give a big, villainous speech, but apparently you're too busy being two people and having a horse to let me do that.

  • Most Excellent Superbat (an in-universe Japanese Batman takeoff) in Final Crisis #6:

Superbat: I have the greatest power of all, Mister Miracle. I am so rich I can do anything.

    • How rich is he? he just bought Japan.
  • Superman playing Santa Claus is nothing new. But Batman getting involved is something special. Also, "I suppose I should do something about that whole Middle East thing..."
  • The way Black Adam discovers what his new magic word is, in one of the funniest (and greatest) things Peter J. Tomasi has ever written, in issue #6 of the Black Adam miniseries.

Teth-Adam: [in a diner] Hrm. Please prepare me one of these, "chocolate egg creams". [KRAK-OOM]

  • Miss Martian of Teen Titans fame has developed an Enemy Within version of herself that demands that vengeance must be taken on the humans for cruel experiments. Miss Martian doesn't do vengeance. Puppies (we're within her mind, remember) are much nicer, so she conjures up some to attack (read: lick and play with) her evil side. A response that is implied to be a sufficient threat for keeping evil side in line in future encounters.
  • In the DCU Holiday Bash II, there's an entire two page spread of Santa trying to give Darkseid a lump of coal...and he succeeds. And apparently does so every year.
  • Green Lantern is the best superhero in The DCU at overcoming fear. So of course, his counterpart on the Bizarro World is a member of the fear-based Sinestro Corps. He often checks his power ring to make sure it's still working, only to end up blasting himself in the face.
  • In one JLA story (JLA #61), Batman gives the Flash what is supposed to be a reassuring hand on the shoulder prior to briefing Flash on his role in the plan. Flash's response: "You're touching me. Batman is touching me. I'm going to die, aren't I?"
    • "Not if you pay close attention."
    • As I recall, the plan involved Flash riding one of Batman's missiles into an enemy target. The look on his face was priceless.
    • Also from that issue, a great one-liner upon discovering a familiar villain in the midst of his villainy:

Wonder Woman: Abra Kadabra!
Green Lantern (singing): Gonna reach out and grab ya...

  • Pretty much every page of every Tiny Titans comic contains something that makes you laugh or go "awwww", so the best of the lot - Mr. Trigon, the some-time substitute teacher at Sidekick City Elementary, and Mr. Slade, the principal, take their children (Raven, Rose and Jericho) to a baseball game because Trigon has tickets. No, really. Mr. Slade puts Darkseid, the lunch lady, in charge for the day, and this is the result:

Darkseid: Attention students! I, Darkseid, your acting principal of the day has declared that today we will take our finals!
Robin: What? But it's not even the end of the semester! We didn't even study!
Wonder Girl: This is such a crisis!
Darkseid: THAT'S RIGHT! A FINALS CRISIS!

  • In the 2008-2009 series Trinity, the good guys and bad guys are forced to make teams with gimmicks based on the Major Arcana. (Plastic Man is The Fool, Lex Luthor is The Hierophant, Geo-Force is The World, etc...) Gangbuster, a Badass Normal, is The Wheel of Fortune. When he realizes he is outmatched against an army of demons...

Gangbuster:: "Hey Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel and solve the puzzle. G-E-T M-E O-U-T O-F H-E-R-E!"

  • Due to a misunderstanding, the Justice League and the Teen Titans start fighting. This Troper will paraphrase this part...

Superman: "Everyone, calm down!" (gets shot in the back with heat vision) "Ow!!!"
Superboy: "I did it! I learned how to use heat vision!" (Superman glares at him) "Uh, I didn't mean to...Ah man."

    • This is then made even more hilarious when they don't fight. Instead, we see Superman noting his mother made that cape, and Superboy looking really embarrassed.
  • The Giffen/DeMatteis Justice League International has a whole lot of these, but the ultimate showdown of Batman and Guy Gardner really needs a mention.
  • Martian Manhunter #24 from start to finish. Booster Gold and Blue Beetle hide all the Choco cookies in JLI headquarters, as well as the surrounding area. Mayhem ensues.
    • After he cools down and is convinced he has a problem, J'onn exorcizes a physical manifestation of his addiction from himself. The craving-creature latches on to various other league members, revealing a sample of their cravings. In particular, Ice laments not being able to indulge in a sautéed baby seal since leaving her homeland.
  • When Superboy discovers that Lex Luthor was one of his gene donors, he begins to angst that he might turn evil when he grows up.

Robin: "It could be worse... You could go bald."

Pariah: "I am the Herald of Darkness. I am the witness to Apocalypse. I walk where the dragon's tail meets its mouth, bathed in blood... Call me Pariah."
Supergirl: "I'm sorry, but... Who the hell are you?"
Pariah: " I am the space between Scylla and Charybdis. I am the gasp before the Big Bang. I--"
Supergirl: "Shut up and make sense!"
Pariah: "I--All right."
Supergirl: "Now again, slowly, and without the The Lord of the Rings double talk."
Pariah: "My name is Kent Massa. I was a scientist once... Until I dared look into the eyes of God and--"
Supergirl: (clenching her fist) "I will hurt you."
Pariah: "I... Fine."

Wondergirl: "Thanks. I love you, Kara."
Supergirl: "I love you too." BOOM

    • When Supergirl returns to her apartment, Captain Boomerang Jr. asks how her day was.

Supergirl: I met a girl tonight (Terra II).
Boomer: (Double Take, then grin) Explain. And do not leave out any details.
Supergirl: (hits him with a pillow) Idiot. Another hero in a costume.

  • In an early issue of Young Justice, Bart Allen takes a blow to the head and thinks he's Batman. The Adam West Batman.
    • Robin asks him to vibrate at high speed to become intangible. Amnesiac Impulse tries to comply... with spasms.

Robin: I ask for vibration, he gives me epileptic seizures.

Superboy: Oh no! It's not me! I'm not the mom! I am NOT the MOM!

Robin: Wow. She's certainly got huge...tracts of land.
Impulse: We're supposed to fight her?
Superboy: If there's a God, then yes!
Mighty Endowed: I see you up there, trembling in fear!
Superboy: This isn't fear! It's anticipation!

  • The story "JLA: World Without Grownups": Superboy, Impulse, and Robin are put into simulations that mimic their deepest fears. Superboy faces off with Metallo, Impulse faces Nazi dinosaurs and Gorilla Grodd, and Robin is faced with a combination of Hannibal Lecter and The Joker. Robin figures out that they need to switch off since the simulations are geared to defeat each of them. Thus, Superboy beats Grodd while Robin beats Metallo. Robin then belatedly realizes that he left Impulse with the Hannibal-Joker...only to find that Impulse managed to drive the Hannibal-Joker crazy by asking him "Why?" over and over again!
  • Gail Simone's run on Wonder Woman manages to deliver at least one of these every issue, often involving the mutant albino gorillas that accepted Diana as their leader. The issue they first appear in has them hanging around in her apartment and looking at her magazines while their leader apologizes for the "flinging incident" while saying that it was due to poor judgment.
    • Later, when Diana comes home after a long day they're helping her get ready for a shower, and one of them asks if she would like "your usual flowery sludge for your hair."
    • The entirety of Diana's trip to Japan with Black Canary is a big CMOF, especially when they are trying on Stripperiffic costumes to disguise themselves as wrestlers in a metahuman fighting ring while making a Call Back to Canary's comment that Diana has the "second most famous bosom" in the superhero community (after Power Girl).

Black Canary: Ah, we look like high-end trashy hookers in a Tarantino nightmare. Perfect!
Wonder Woman: Do we need to expose quite so much of the second most famous...
Black Canary: Absolutely!
Wonder Woman: And these boots seem completely impractical in a combat situation...
Black Canary: Could not agree more. Summon the plane, would ya? We're Tokyo-bound!

  • I never thought I'd see the day when Pokemon appear in comic books other than manga. Well, here it is!

"Yes, perhaps this is a warrior's game..."

  • Knightfall: The end of Batman's fight with Firefly.
  • When Superboy and Supergirl are caught in a "walls closing in" Death Trap:

Superboy: Why couldn't I be doing this with Power Girl!?
Supergirl: What'd you say!?
Superboy: Nothing.

  • All Star Batman and Robin: If not the whole series, then most of it. Now whether it's intentional or not, that's up for debate.
  • When Thara Ak-Var gets stabbed by a kryptonite knife, Chris Kent brings her to Lois Lane so she can pull the fragments out and treat the wound. When Thara recovers, Lois grills her on what exactly is her relationship with her son. Seeing a pyrokinetic Kryptonian scared of her boyfriend's human mother is hilarious. Later, Thara tries to jump Chris only for Lois to be right there and be all "No way, not gonna happen".
  • The otherwise completely unfunny first issue of the Venom storyline has this: Batman, blaming himself for the death of a kidnapping victim, continues attempting to fight crime after injuring his shoulder and going three days without sleep. This leads to him be battered by a pair of ordinary thugs. He wakes up in bed to hear Alfred deliver this line:

Alfred: I told the physician who reassembled you that you fell from a hot air balloon onto a picnic table full of cheese blintzes. *beat* The story was too ludicrous to be disbelieved.

  • Batman: No Man's Land:
    • The first thing The Joker does once he and Harley decide to leave Arkham is go to the local baseball stadium and recruit some new talent. Harley leads the team in prayer: "Joker is God."
    • Bruce Wayne shamelessly hitting on Luthor's chauffeur, Mercy:

"I would rather dance alone, barefoot, on broken glass, than dance with you, Mister Wayne."

    • Superman's (ill-fated) arrival and his subsequent pwning of the Mad Hatter.
  • There's a story where the Guardians of Oa visit the Zamorans, with Sodam Yat, Arisia, and Guy Gardner as backup. When they are hit by a bright violet flash: The Guardians continue being stoic, Arisia and Sodam cover their eyes in pain, and Guy whips up Cool Shades and puts them on with a smug look on his face.
  • From Justice Society of America, Obsidian's fake out and everyone's expression. Seems to also be something of a Take That to people who thought the author (Bill Willingham) would pull something like that in his run.
  • From 52, Renee Montoya and the Question are investigating a warehouse together. They saw someone enter who appears to have vanished. Montoya says there must be a secret door, the Question's immediate response? 'What is this, D&D?' After finding the switch by accident the two of them fall through the floor and end up with Renee on top of the Question while he delivers the immortal line:

The Question: Elf needs food badly.

  • Secret Six: The entire scene involving Deadshot and Catman shopping for ice cream at the beginning of the Unhinged arc. In particular, Deadshot's excuse for ripping off the entire cigarette stock.
    • About three-quarters of Ragdoll's dialogue hovers between disturbing and hilarious.
    • "Scandal Savage, you may have one ice cream of your choice."
    • Issue 30 has Bane getting set up on a blind date. As if the concept wasn't hilarious enough, his reaction upon meeting her...

Bane: I wish to mate. Here are bargaining tokens they told me to purchase. Shall we begin negotiations?

  • In JLA: Year One, J'onn transforms into Superman without anybody noticing and appears sitting at their conference table after the other members had been talking about asking Supes to join. After they stare at him in shock he then turns into ELMER FUDD. Especially funny because he has been quiet and relatively humorless up until that point.

J'onn J'onzz: You're vewwy vewwy qwiet.
"Yoda! Do Yoda!"

  • There was one spinoff novel, the plot of which was Batman, Green Arrow, and Aquaman, teaming up together with Nightwing, Arsenal, and Tempest to stop Deathstroke from carrying out an assassination. When they finally catch him, he incredulously asks if it really took that much firepower to stop him. The response?

Batman: Not really, but it was a nice excuse to spend some time with the kids.

  • Kevin Smith's The Widening Gyre may be... controversial, but it is also... well, it's written by Kevin Smith, the man whom seemingly never met a gag he didn't like. If it had been received better it might have an actual page.

Calendar King: I'm proud to report I've puked in your trunk.

    • Joker's banter as he's waving around a shot gun in the canals:

Joker: I am Jesus! I am Moses! I am Lucifer, the Fallen! I am Elijah! I am the beatified bones of Dancin' Don Rickles, and I'm gonna eat yer babies!

    • Various characters' reactions to finding out Batman has a girlfriend now.
  • Countdown to Final Crisis has Kyle Rayner being used as a club by Heel-Turned Mary Marvel to beat up Donna Troy.
  • In an issue of Batman: Gotham Knights, Batman is facing off with Hugo Strange on the rooftop of the Wayne Enterprises building. Tim asks Dick what they're going to do. Dick says it's Batman versus Dr. Strange: he's getting popcorn.
  • Gail Simone's JLA comic The Hypothetical Woman has a scene where the League is planning their next move aboard the Watchtower...and while they're doing that, Wonder Woman surprises everyone with pomegranate cookies that she baked herself.

GL/Flash: Wonder Woman BAKED?!

    • And at the end of the scene:

Batman: Diana, Alfred will need that recipe.

  • In Detective Comics #609, during his fight with Anarky, Batman is beset by some hobos that are on Anarky's side. One of them - a legless cripple - tries to take on Batman. Bats' exasperated face in the last panel, in an otherwise serious comic, is priceless.
  • In one issue of Robin, a group of heroes led by The Veteran (the invincible personification of Patriotism) is fighting their way across Bludhaven, which is filled with C- and D-list villains recently escaped from a prison, to get to Robin. One such villain, who appears to be made of straw, leaps out of the shadows and declares...

Wicker Man: Behold! I am the Wicker Man! Beware my power!
The Veteran: Oh for the love of... [pulls out a lighter and flicks it on] Behold! I have a working lighter!
Wicker Man: ...I surrender.

  • The opening narration of the DC One Million: Chronos issue describes the crimes future Flash has stopped while patrolling Metropolis.

"After stopping a runaway Silverale transport from veering into pedestrian traffic, he delivered twins to a pregnant mother caught in the chaos of a Bizarro Pride parade. At the Bismollan Embassy, he prevented an assassination attempt by a Durlan extremist disguised as tiramisu."

Agent If: Titangirl! How can you be here? All right...all right...you're dead! No! If you're dead...then...something. Anything. WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD?!
Titangirl: Perhaps you broke your toy?
Agent If: No...I know the answer! You're not really here! You're projecting thoughts from somewhere outside the Realitoy's range! And that means you can't stop me, either! All I have to remember is that you're just an idea in my head! You couldn't be here if I didn't exist, or--or...NO! IF I EXI--*
Implicate Girl: What's the latest on our terrorist?
Titangirl: He talked himself out of it.

Darkseid: ...Well, what say you all?
SHAZAM: Wassup, D?
Highfather: Wasssaap!
Phantom Stranger: WHATZZZUP!
Zeus: Yo, where's Desaad?
Ganthet: Wazzzup!
Darkseid: (deadpan) I am too late.

  • Lex Luthor once managed to easily capture Superboy by making a kryptonite cage labelled "Lex Luthor's trap for Superboy". Superboy walked right into it.
  • Stephanie Brown AKA the current Batgirl has a Precocious Crush on her developing contact for the police, Detective Nicholas Gage, who avoided any action on her feelings. It leads to ...

Batgirl: (As she swings by Gage and Gordon, giving Gage a smile and a small wave) "Hey, you!"
Detective Nick Gage: (Off Commissioner Gordon's look) "What?"
Commissioner Gordon: "'Hey, you'?"
Gage: "No one raises an eyebrow when you talk to Batman."
Gordon: "I'm pretty sure Batman's legal, detective!"

  • Batman/Spider-Man, after Batman corrects Spidey's reference to Road to Morocco:

Spider-Man: A-ha! I knew we had something in common besides our love of tights! You're into old movies too, huh?
Batman: I was - when I was young.
Spider-Man: Young? Somehow, I can't picture you ever being young! You must've been pretty cute, waddling around in your diapers, chasing the Joker across the playground!
Batman: I was never "cute".

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