Dirty Potter

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.
"So, listen to Dirty Potter audiobooks at dirtypotter.CUM!!, or Jim Dale will spray his CUM!! in your motherfucking face.

Warning: This audiobook series contains strong language, filthy contents, swear words, incest, violent cunnilingus, sound effects almost too annoyingly stupid to think about, rather crude Toilet Humor, excessive racism, pointless rambling dialogue, terrible, drawn-out, stupid, not-funny jokes that carry on far too long. (Yeah!) Listener perversion is advised.

—Intro to Fuckbeak & Friends

Dirty Potter is what results when the Harry Potter audiobooks, as narrated by Jim Dale, meet with Manipulative Editing. In the words of the site, "[Dirty Potter] is a trilogy of audio shorts that were made in Adobe Audition, through creative use of word splicing and sound editing of all seven Harry Potter audiobooks. The characters have been re-imagined as overly lustful and sex-crazed; frequently engaging in lewd activities and using vulgar language. Each audio short is narrated by British actor Jim Dale, who also has been incorporated as a totally new character in the context of the parody."

The series currently spans four episodes: "Dirty Potter and the Snape Murders Dumbledore"; "Dirty Potter and the Deathly Farts", "Dirty Potter and the Fabulous Gay Farty Pee and Poo Party", and "Fuckbeak[1] & Friends". The team has also created "Dirty Barack", a splicing of Barack Obama 's "The Audacity of Hope", "Dirty Peter Pan and the Long Black Penis of Evil", and "Dirty the Pooh and the Hundred Acre Shitpile".

Oh, and it has nothing to do with a Harry Potter/Dirty Harry crossover.

It can be heard on YouTube here.

Tropes used in Dirty Potter include:

Ron. Hagrid'll fuck anything if it stands still long enough, eh?
Hagrid. That's what your little sister said!

  • Angrish: "He pulled the pieces of brown poo out of his ass without looking at them, [and] tucked them away in Hagrid's mouth. 'Phah-mphszvyy-hwa! Oy!' said Hagrid, indignantly."
    • "Wendy had a face full of hot poop. She was frightfully furious! 'Nyarargh!' she said, and gagged."
  • Apocalypse How: Class X when Pooh's satanic farts blow up the planet during the Stinkpocalypse.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: From the Dirty the Pooh outtakes: "Zombies poured from the underworld banging their heads to immensely heavy metal and looked like they meant business and went back to the desk, sat down, and started selling vibrators. But at horribly inflated prices!"
  • Ascended Meme: "Then Christopher Robin beat his fucking fist in Eeyore's face so violently that he ejaculated a golden shower of fucking pineapples. (Yeah!)".
    • "And Ron was ass-blasted off his feet so forcefully, he shot straight into another fucking dimension."
  • A Party - Also Known as an Orgy: Of the fabulous farty pee and poo variety.
  • Author Existence Failure: Parodied when Pooh holds up the head of David Benedictus, the writer for Return to the Hundred Acre Wood
  • Badass: Would you believe in Dirty the Pooh it's Tigger?
    • (After ten minutes of Kill'Em All violence and destruction) "BOR-ING!"
  • Blatant Lies: Chapter 3: In which nothing happens. Really! I promise!
  • Brick Joke: JK Rowling's fart is mentioned in Dirty Potter 3 as blowing Ron into another dimension. He then gets blown into the hundred acre wood in Dirty the Pooh 3.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Should go without saying by now, but special mention goes to Pooh's hum at the end of Dirty the Pooh, Chapter 1. It sort of foreshadows the events of chapter 3.
    • And Harry's outburst when he enters the bathroom in Dirty Potter 2.
    • Tigger's long Fuck You streak in Dirty the Pooh 2:

And Tigger emitting a ferocious "Fuck You, Eeyore, Fuck You, Long-Ears, Fuck You, Owl... and, especially, Fuck You, Jim Dale."

    • The ending of the original Dirty Potter:

"Bloody fucking Snape fucking murders fucking bloody faggot fat lady cumming faggot cunt shit jerking off cum bloody black half-blood cunt bulging butt fudge flaming gay explosion poo bosom gag hardon warts jerking his tit sperm buttock farty golden shower ballsack beat it ugly little butt pirate tight behind farting poo spurted pulsating slightly damp, moldy, smelling bush CONSTIPATION SENSATION Dumbledore jerking off uncontrollably in a pool of his own blood."

Jim Dale: "Haha! Enjoy your fucking holidays, you enormous faggoty faggots. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!"

"And, for some strange reason, Voldemort came suddenly into the class. "I smell cum... so hungry!" He was holding up Harry's disgusting, slimy cock, sucking at it like an old vacuum cleaner."

  • Foreshadowing: Extremely blatant in the ending of Dirty the Pooh Chapter 1 and the title of Chapter 2, although it was hard to tell if they were serious before Chapter 3 came out.
  • Freudian Slip:

"Dirty Potter and the Fabulous Gay Farty Pee and Poo Party. Chapter Poo...* ahem* , I mean, two"

  • Fridge Logic: Winnie the Pooh & Co. are stuffed animals. They don't have internal organs. How could they be disemboweled when all they contain is fluff?
  • Gag Penis: "J. K., Rowling and Jim Dale both groped [Harry's] gigantic cock, at least twelve feet long, and [[Captain Obvious easily the largest for miles around."
  • Gainax Ending: Dirty The Pooh part 3.
  • Genius Loci: The Hundred-Acre Wood after Pooh begins assembly...FROM HELL!
  • Groin Attack: After being sent to hell, Jesus Christ circumcises Christopher Robin's foreskin with his teeth.
  • Hermaphrodite: J. K. Rowling.
  • Horsemen Of The Stinkpocalypse - One of the last crises brought on by Pooh's assembly.
  • Iconic Sound: The skeet noise.
  • Inadvertent Entrance Cue: The sounds preceding Christopher Robin's first appearance in Dirty The Pooh chapter 1.
  • Inherently Funny Words: Locking
  • Interactive Narrator: You can even have sex with him!
  • Katanas Are Just Better: Pooh uses a "ginormous ninja sword" to cut up Roo's body.
  • Kill'Em All: Dirty The Pooh Chapter 3
  • Machinima: A Garry's Mod adaptation was produced for the first four minutes of Deathly Farts.
  • Made of Iron: Ron survived a fart that was massive enough to push him into another dimension and landed unharmed in the Hundred Acre Wood.
  • Major Injury Underreaction: In Dirty the Pooh 3, Pooh eats Piglet alive. Piglet's response? "Ow."
  • Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: "Very fat homosexual bulldyke midget Jewish handicapped Nazi nigger dick."
    • Also the "more than one hundred very special retarded tyrannosauruses with massive Asperger's and Down's Syndrome" in Dirty the Pooh 3.
    • "Big bearded gay Jewish burly sailor pajama party pornography."
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: Invoked; as noted above, the Jim Dale of Dirty Potter and the actual Jim Dale are said to be separate entities.
  • No Fourth Wall: Jim Dale not only narrates, but also freely has sex with the characters and narrates it. He also yells at listeners for liking Dirty Potter.
  • Non-Indicative Name: Despite the title of Chapter One of Dirty the Pooh being "In Which Rabbit Stuffs Almost Everything Right in His Ass and a Stupid Black Nigger Goes Poopoo In Bed," none of these events actually happen.
    • Likewise, chapter two is subtitled "In Which Winnie The Pooh's Large And Extremely Dangerous Ass Farts Directly In All The Animals' Stupid Faces... and Everybody Dies!". A third chapter was released several weeks later.
      • Its subtitle: "In Which Nothing Happens At All. Really. I Promise." The actual events: Basically the subtitle to Dirty the Pooh Chapter 2. Pooh's large and extremely dangerous ass does fart, and everybody dies (and goes to burn in hell forever, which is much more exciting.)
    • The titular 'Long Black Penis of Evil' does not appear in Dirty Peter Pan.
    • The title of the first chapter of Dirty Potter 4 is "Fuckbeak the Hippogriff and the Extremely Arousing Fucking Huge Diarrhea Bathtime." Although part of it takes place in a bathroom, there is no actual bath of diarrhea.
  • Noodle Incident: "For Owl, a testicle case, in case he lost his testicles. Because- oh, well, it would take too long to explain."
    • Fuckbeak's expulsion from Hogwarts was apparently so horrific that Jim Dale himself is disallowed from retelling it. What he says about Fuckbeak turning all of the students gay and dying in the process is just a cover story.
  • N-Word Privileges: Jim Dale freely drops the N-bomb whenever he feels like it.
  • Once Per Episode: The "Yeah" Guy.
  • Overly Long Gag: Pretty much any of the skeet sequences, but the overly long sequence in particular is when Jim Dale can't seem to pronounce Dumbledore's name.
    • And learn, and learn, and learn, and fart, and learn, and learn, and cum, and learn, and POIK, and learn, and fap, and learn, and spurt, and learn, and skeet, and learn, and fuck underage wizards, and learn and, jack it, and learn, and LOL, and learn, and POO, and learn, and jerk, and poop, and jerk, and poop, and jerk, and... [2]
    • They got even hotter. Then... they got even hotter. It was so hot, it got even hotter... you get the point.
    • One of the deleted scenes from Dirty The Pooh involved Tigger letting out a very long, loud burp. The author gets really, really creative with the sound editing techniques.
    • Basically the entire second half of Dirty Peter Pan. "Or he could..."
  • Parental Incest: "I said Fuck you, kind parents for giving me buttsex to make me gay.
  • Quote Mine
  • Rape and Switch: Fuckbeak is expelled from Hogwarts for molesting everyone at the school, turning them all gay.
  • Rasputinian Death: It takes an Earthshattering Kaboom for all of the animals in Dirty the Pooh 3 to finally die, despite all of the horrors and pains they are put through by Pooh.
    • Christopher Robin (save for a dent in his face), Tigger, and Jim Dale however, survive the whole ordeal. Ron survives too by noclipping himself until he got banned and the others may just be darn lucky.
      • They didn't survive, they were in Hell.
      • As for Ron, Word of God says he was forced into the void again when Jim Dale banned him. He is alive, but his current location is unknown.
  • Rule 34: The picture at the beginning of Dirty Potter 1, 2, and 3! and everything in the Dirty the Pooh trailer.
    • Mentioned in the Dirty Potter 4 teaser trailer. Apparently, it never sounded this good.
  • Rule of Funny: Much of the physics, anatomy, sexual positions and math are logically impossible. They're still fucking hilarious.
  • Running Gag: "Snape murders Dumbledore" and "Ron ejaculated" from DP 1.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Jim Dale's rant at the end of Dirty Potter 3, and again halfway through Dirty the Pooh.
  • Self-Deprecation: The warning at the start of Fuckbeak And Friends.
  • Self-Insert Fic: Parodied with Jim Dale, the narrator, actually appearing in both Dirty Potter and Dirty the Pooh as a character akin to a Memetic Sex God, with several characters dreaming of going to bed with him. Not quite a pure example, since it is actually a remix of Jim Dale rather than an actual reading, but it still counts.
  • Serial Escalation: Each successive episode]] further pushes the boundaries of how positively disgusting and impossible the "sex" Jim Dale narrates gets.
    • 666 fire breathing penises, anyone?
    • Fuckbeak was expelled from Hogwarts for basically being the sickest of sick fucks. In this universe, that's saying something.
  • Serious Business: DirtyPotterOfficial was not happy about the closure of the old forums.
  • Shaped Like Itself:

Jim Dale : There were 142 gigantic-size feces piles that smelled of cabbage smelling cabbage

  • Shout-Out: The line about Professor Umbridge shitting on her face in DP 1 is a reference to Tubgirl.
    • In Dirty Peter Pan, when Peter is contemplating how to make it up to Wendy after shitting on her, two of the options mentioned are "He could Goatse twenty times until the devil dropped out" and "He could listen to Dirty Potter."
    • There are also shoutouts to fellow pooper Waldfield's poops. If you've seen the man's work, you'll find them instantly. Otherwise, the joke will fall on flat ears. Recently, Waldfield returned the favor in his recollection of his time in the police force.
    • Dirty the Pooh Chapter 3 has a mention of the Four Horsemen of the Stinkpocalypse riding on horses made from "the devil's shit and wank." This is, given DP's fondness for it, likely a reference to The Wanky Shit Demon.
      • And the moon falling falling out of the sky is a reference to Majora's Mask.
    • The disc of the Dirty Potter perfect collection (NSFW) features a shoutout to Neon Genesis Evangelion, of all things.
    • A deleted scene features yet another overly long gag of someone's arse (i.e. Ron's) exploding, involving a pseudo countdown sequence to said explosion. What was the countdown? 4 8 15 16 23 42
    • Another deleted scene features Tigger burping for almost two minutes. Near the end of the scene, a split-second frame appears saying "It's like Family Guy!"
    • Fuckbeak & Friends uses music from Eternal Sonata, The End of Evangelion, and Baccano.
  • Shut UP, Hannibal: "Harry, Harry...Harry–" FUCK YOU.
  • Sophisticated As Hell: Forum threads were made analyzing the physics and mathematics of Dirty Potter.
    • Dirty Potter 4 uses Chopin music, "Because here at Dirty Potter, we're fucking classy like that."
  • Soundtrack Dissonance: Ode To Joy plays during the catastrophic ending of Dirty The Pooh, a la Neon Genesis Evangelion
    • "Fuckbeak & Friends" takes it to new levels.
  • Squick: In Fuckbeak & Friends, Ron vomits over himself as he witnesses a particularly vile cunnilingus between Harry and Hermione. Considering the standard of sex in this series, this is significant.
  • Stupid Statement Dance Mix: "In England, go back all those years, I used to be a nigger train.
  • Take That, Audience!: Jim Dale stops reading Dirty The Pooh chapter 1 for a minute to go off on a rant on how stupid the whole thing is and how stupid you are for thinking it's funny.

Jim Dale. Listening to stupid fucking recycled bullshit from Dirty Potter like this is fail.

* oickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoick

(Yeah!)

  1. ↑ a stand-in for the Harry Potter character Buckbeak
  2. ↑ I had a wonderful time doing that.
  3. ↑ With + 1 Anal Penetration


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