Evil Lawyer Joke

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

We're both called Phoenix, but I'm a destroyer of worlds and you're a lawyer. I wonder which one of us is more hated.

—Jean Grey to Phoenix Wright in Marvel vs. Capcom 3

Lawyers, who often defend people or practices that are considered unpopular or wrong, are an infamous Acceptable Target. Note that this refers to an explicit or implicit suggestion that all or most lawyers are evil, by:

  1. A character making a joke about lawyers being evil, or
  2. giving lawyers Animal Motifs that classify them as evil.

It doesn't help that the word Satan can be translated as accuser/prosecutor.

Tends to be associated with America (especially in The Nineties) although it's a global trope to some extent.

See also Amoral Attorney and Ambulance Chaser for the evil lawyers themselves. Of course the one problem with these is that lawyers don't think they're funny[1] (and have heard most of them before) and nobody else thinks they're jokes. Anyone who uses jokes like this should remember one thing: Nobody likes lawyers until they actually need one.

For actual lawyer jokes, see the quotes page.

Examples of Evil Lawyer Joke include:

Comic Books

  • In Top Ten, one lawyer is an anthropomorphic shark. When one character makes a disparaging Ambulance Chaser-type comment, he thinks they're talking about his being a shark, when it's about his job.
  • In Sandman, one minor character makes the "not enough catshit" joke.

Film

  • Back to The Future Part II: "The justice system works swiftly in the future now that they've abolished all lawyers."
    • Note that Doc does not necessarily say that as good news. Considering the context of the line it's more likely that the lack of lawyers is resulting in a deprivation of justice.
  • From Bee Movie:

Cow: You're a lawyer?
Mosquito: Ma'am, I was already a blood-sucking parasite. I just needed a suitcase.

  • Blade 2 has Blade meet a representative of his enemies, and sees he's got the mark of a Familiar, starting this exchange.

Blade: You're human.
Man: Barely. I'm a lawyer.

"I hear scientists are replacing their lab rats with lawyers. One, the scientists were starting to get attached to the rats. And two, there are some things even rats won't do."

    • We also get this exchange:

Ruffio: We kill pirates.
Peter Banning: I'm not a pirate. It so happens I am a lawyer.
(beat)
Rufio: Kill the lawyer!
Peter Banning: I'm not that kind of lawyer!

Max Reede: My dad? He's... a liar.
Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
Max Reede: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.

    • The kid then shrugs indifferently.
      • and indeed, most of the film itself is essentially one long Evil Lawyer Joke.
  • A Murder Of Crows is a subversion, since the hero is a (mostly) heroic lawyer, who matches wits with a serial killer who goes after lawyers because of this trope. The reason, IIRC, was that his son was killed by a drunk driver, but the driver's lawyer got him off on a technicality... and when they walked out of court, he could tell that the killer was repentant, genuinely sorry about the damage he'd caused... but the lawyer was smiling. He had won.
  • During a song in Muppet Treasure Island, a pirate sings, "I could've been a lawyer, but I just had too much heart."
  • Osmosis Jones: "We'll go down to the haemorrhoids and get you a good lawyer."
  • In the western-spoof Rustler's Rhapsody, good-guy gunfighter Rex O'Herlihan faces off against good-guy gunfighter and lawyer Bob Barber. When Barber shoots O'Herlihan in the arm (rather than shooting the gun out of O'Herlihan's hand, as good guys are supposed to do), O'Herlihan's shocked that Barber isn't really a good guy. Barber's response: "I'm a lawyer, you idiot!"
  • In Deconstructing Harry, the sixth floor of Hell is for right-wing extremists, serial killers, and lawyers who appear on television.

Literature

  • Homeward Bound, the final book in Harry Turtledove's Worldwar series, has Johnathan Yeager discover, to his amusement, that the Race has the same attitude towards lawyers as humans, and spends some time exchanging jokes with appropriate cultural alterations.
  • Satan appears in The Bible as a prosecutor in God's court. In Jewish theology, this is in fact the extent of his villainy, and his entire narrative role. Insert joke about how the Christians made him less evil here.
  • In The General series by David Drake and S.M. Stirling, there's a species of fish called Advocati. Advocati are invertebrate, foul-smelling, slimy bottom-feeders, that only are useful as dog-fodder, and only that if the dogs haven't been fed for a few days.
  • This quote from Deathly Hallows - and Word of God points out that, ironically, Hermione did become the magical equivalent of a lawyer and used her position to improve the lot of House-elves, Muggles and Muggle-Borns.

Scrimegour: Are you planning to follow a career in Magical Law, Miss Granger?
Hermione: No, I'm not. I'm hoping to do some good in the world!

  • In The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce defines "liar" as "A lawyer with a roving commission."
    • He does at least give lawyers the credit of being discriminate....
  • In The Fifth Elephant, Angua points out that the only reason Uberwald switched from Trial by Ordeal to Trial by Lawyer is because they learned that lawyers are crueller.
    • Whenever Mr. Slant appears, expect at least one such joke to come.

Live-Action TV

  • In The Mentalist, one Victim of the Week, a lawyer, is killed when his speedboat is destroyed in an explosion. Lisbon and Jane, who were already on the scene when the bomb went off, rush over, only to see the man's severed arm suddenly get tugged underwater by what is almost certainly a shark.

Jane: So much for professional courtesy.

  • In Angel, Cordelia discusses the evil law firm Wolfram and Hart, comparing them with vampires Angel and Darla. "You were soulless bloodsucking demons, and they're lawyers." A humbled Angel agrees with her. "We were amateurs."
    • More from Angel, this season one gem as said by Gunn: "Whoo! Whoo! My God! They told me it was true, but I didn't believe em. Damn. Here it is! Evil white folks really do have a Mecca." Let's just say that Wolfram & Hart take evil lawyers to a whole 'nother level.
      • "They're the law firm Johnny Cochran was too ethical to join." Really, Wolfram & Hart is the personification of the Evil Lawyer Joke.
  • In the Charmed episode "Black As Cole" (episode 8 season 4), when Paige learns about Cole's past she says:

Paige: So you were a demon and a lawyer? Insert joke here!

  • A lawyer in CSI New York makes one himself: "What do you call a thousand dead lawyers? A good start."
  • Similarly, in the Law and Order episode "Savior," defense attorney Margot Bell says, "What does a lawyer have in common with a sperm cell?" ADA Claire Kincaid replies, "Both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being," then tells Margot there's a law that once you pass the bar, you have to stop telling lawyer jokes.
  • From a Rowan Atkinson sketch, "Welcome to Hell":

The Devil: Now murders...murders over here please. Thank you. Looters and pillagers over here. Thieves if you could join them and lawyers, you're in that lot.

Fallon: (impressed by Rothstein's skill at lying) It's not too late to go to law school, Arnold.
Rothstein: I picked an honest profession.

  • Sebastian Stark is nicknamed Shark.
  • In an episode of the Honey I Shrunk the Kids series, it's revealed that Wayne keeps embarrassing Diane every time they go to her law firm's picnics together since he keeps making these jokes.
  • In an episode of The Golden Girls, Sophia is having a near-death-experience where she's in Heaven:

Angel: Just make yourself comfortable. I'm really anxious to meet this next guy. He's a lawyer.
Sophia: Why is that special?
Angel: He's the first one we've had here!

Music

  • Tool's song "The Pot" says: Liar, lawyer, mirror, show me. What's the difference?.
  • Tom Waits, "God's Away on Business":

Who are the ones that we kept in charge?
Killers, thieves, and lawyers!

  • The Capitol Steps song "'Atsa Lawyer", from their 1991 album 76 Bad Loans (sung to the tune of "That's Amore"):

When you see your ex-spouse with a low form of louse
‍'‍Atsa lawyer!
Whose diploma is through some place called Cheat'Em U?
‍'‍Atsa lawyer...

Newspaper Comics

Tabletop Games

  • The Munchkin Card Game has several lawyer monsters, including So Suu Mee - the Chinese lawyer demon.
    • And they won't attack Thieves. It's a professional courtesy.
    • The Munchkin Booty "Sea Lawyer" even counts as a shark.
  • In the Collectible Card Game version of Illuminati, there is a card referencing William Shakespeare, (see below) called "First thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers" which destroys all law cards in play. In order to use it the player must say "Now seriously, Lawyers are an important part of our judicial system and we'd all be worse off without them." The card notes that the player has to try to say it with a straight face, but is not expected to succeed.

Theatre

  • Older Than Steam: William Shakespeare's famous "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." He made several other jabs at lawyers in his works, but the line from Henry VI Part 2 is the most famous and well known. (Lawyers are quick to point out that's part of a plan to create anarchy and tyranny in revolution.)
  • There's a song about this in Legally Blonde The Musical: "Blood in the Water".[context?]
  • One of John Adams' first lines in 1776: "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace; that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress!"
  • A touch of Self-Deprecation on his part, since he was a lawyer.
  • Later, Adams got into a shouting match with John Dickenson:

John Adams: You cool, considerate men. You hang to the rear on every issue so that if we should go under, you'll still remain afloat!
John Dickinson: Are you calling me a coward?
John Adams: Yes... coward!
John Dickinson: Madman!
John Adams: Landlord!
John Dickinson: LAWYER!
[a brawl breaks out]

Video Games

  • Earthworm Jim had a LOT of fun with lawyer jokes.
  • Guybrush Threepwood does a whole string of these in Escape from Monkey Island when he travels to Lucre Island to consult the Marley family lawyers. Of course, none of the lawyers actually gets the jokes...

Guybrush: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?[2]
Confused Lawyer #1: But sharks eat lawyers all the time!
Confused Lawyer #2: Once they've signed all the right corpus delecti waivers...

Ghost Rider: "Do you have any idea how many lawyers are in hell?"

Web Comics

See, I used to be a lawyer in Narbonne...
And then you decided you'd rather go to heaven?
Oh, I've Never Heard That One Before!

  • In the Kevin and Kell universe, most - if not all - lawyers are, in fact, sharks, leading to frequent jokes... for example, when Herd Thinners Inc. is flooded (due to drooling resulting from having an injured rabbit on the premises), Angelique comments that it's not a total loss - now their legal staff can work on-site.
  • Schlock Mercenary has an entire Hive Mind of snake-like lawyers. Massey is a lawyer who subverts any and all Evil Lawyer tropes, though. So much that occasionally he has to use lawyer-speak when talking to his employer to hide the fact that moral concerns are the real reason he thinks the current plan is a bad idea.

Narrator: Okay, so they are all lawers. Right now you are supposed to be feeling sorry for the heroic, human one...

Tagon: ...Attorneys do it all the time.
Breya: Then it's probably unethical or immoral.

    • During Massey's first appearance, when the Partnership Collective attempted to link him to their Hive Mind.

Massey: Ohhhh...it's full of stars.
Snake: Must have pulled the wrong switch. [Amends this]
Massey: AAAIEEE! It's full of lawyers!

Satan: I wish I'd never invented you guys.

Web Original

  • Used in AH Dot Com the Series, "Heart of Steel", in a flashback - upon hearing that the new crewmember is a lawyer, the two American crewmembers are reflexively thrown into a psychotic rage.
  • When Mack from Tales of MU has to visit her lawyer, Lee Jenkins, in his office, and discovers the elevator warded against infernal entry, this comes into play in the form of a joke regarding how long a law firm could last if infernal beings weren't permitted to enter its offices.
  • Inverted in Ink City when Cave Johnson meets Edgeworth and automatically punches him upon hearing his profession. The whole reason he considers lawyers Acceptable Targets is because they try to regulate his Mad Science, imposing unwanted morals and values upon his work.
  • Whateley Universe has Jadis' lawyer, who works for a super-villain. In a minor subversion, he's basically helping the good guys, if only because Jadis tends to get wrongfully accused. A LOT!

Western Animation

  • Daria - Helen (an attorney) is often in the background talking to her boss about cases. At one point she says something to the effect of "No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. [pause] Okay, I'll do it."
    • She's also cruel to her staff (which is, sadly, Truth in Television in too many real law offices); she once tells her assistant: "Look, our entire strategy depends on you analyzing those printouts before the weekend. I don't care if your mother's getting married! I don't care if your mother's getting executed! Do you understand?!"
  • Family Guy: Peter claims that he'd sell his soul to be famous. Cue a scene in Hell where Satan is pleased to hear that, only to learn that Peter's sold his soul twice already. Angry, he asks if anyone in Hell is a lawyer. Everyone raises their hands.
  • Justice League, when a bunch of aliens are persecuting the Green Lantern:

The Flash: "Don't you have any lawyers here?"
Alien Judge: "We solved our lawyer problem a long time ago. However, you could speak for him if you wish. However, be warned: If you lose, you will share the same penalty as the accused."
The Flash: "The same penalty? You mean... That's crazy!"
Alien Judge: "No, that's how we solved our lawyer problem."

    • I just got a creepy thought - What If that policy failed to solve their lawyer problem? Imagine lawyers that survived The Spartan Way? Darkseid, move over...
  • In The Simpsons, OFF have hired Lionel Hutz to help them with one of their many lawsuits. For some reason, they've invited him over to dinner, where Bart says that he wants to be a lawyer when he grows up. Lionel responds with "Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?" then imagines everyone holding hands and dancing across the world, and shudders.
    • From the episode "My Mother the Carjacker"

(Homer crashes into the police station)
Chief Wiggum: All you destroyed were bricks, mortar, and attorneys!
Attorney: Remember me… as a drain on society!

    • There's also a recent episode where the "Blue-Haired Lawyer" is shown with hairy hands and really long, wolf-like claws.
  • In a Wunschpunsch episode where the Curse Of The Week turns all people into animals, the heroes need to put them all on one ship to reverse it. They initially fail as the curse won't stop working - apparently someone is missing - until the ship starts sinking and a pair of sharks swim in - three guesses who those two people were.
  • In House of Mouse, Hades, the God of the Underworld, calls Goofy over because a item on the menu uses his name without his permission. Hades tells him "A word to the wise, I have all the lawyers."
    • This doubles as Everyone Hates Hades, since in Greek mythology and even the actual Hercules film, everyone who was dead, except for particularly distinguished heroes, went to Hades' underworld. He was turned into an ambitious evil god in the original movie, but he wasn't turned into the stereotypical devil ruling over Fire and Brimstone Hell. A proper response to the original Hades saying "I have all the lawyers" would be "You've got everyone else too, good luck finding them."
  • In Timmy's Secret Wish, Timmy was brought to Fairy Court on charges of being the worst godkid ever and Foop was the prosecutor. Foop explained that he became a lawyer to be evil enough to defeat Poof.
  • The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy; Grim's lawyer - who appears briefly in "House of the Ancients" and "Keeper of the Reaper" - is literally a snake, or rather, a snake-demon who wears a suit. Pretty unsubtle joke there.
  • From the Valentines Day Episode of Harley Quinn, Killer Croc says he met Enchantress (whom he is dating) while at his dermatologist's office; she came in and asked him if any spawns of Satan had come by, and Croc replied by saying she was probably looking for the law firm next door. ("Eh, cheesy joke, I know," he says.)

Real Life

  • Sea Shepherd, of Whale Wars fame, had to rename one of their ships, which was previously named "Gojira". As they put it, "It’s a great name... BUT the only thing scarier than Godzilla itself is Godzilla’s lawyers."
    • It probably doesn't help that Godzilla is the intellectual property of a Japanese company... and that Japan is one of the nations most frequently criticized by environmentalists for whaling.
  • You wanna bet Bela Lugosi, Jr. heard every bloodsucking lawyer joke ever?
  • There's a pub located in Canada called "The Honest Lawyer",[3] with the word lawyer having a pitchfork for the W and the Y having a spaded tail.
  • The gravestone of Sir John Strange: "Here lies an honest lawyer / and that is Strange".
  • The crew of Jaws named the mechanical shark "Bruce" after Spielberg's lawyer Bruce Raimer.
  • The French words for lawyer and avocado are essentially the same (avocat). Hilarity ensues when translating French recipes for guacamole into English using computer software.
    • Some will instruct you to do something like "chop up three lawyers and then put them in a blender".
    • Too many people think this would be a good idea. Others may find the resulting meal bitter, distasteful and hard to swallow.
  1. ↑ Not entirely true, since most of the jokes tend to be aimed at litigators. The majority of lawyers will hardly ever go anywhere near a courtroom. If anything they dislike litigators even more than the general public do since they tend to earn more and have better working hours than those of us who spend our working lives reviewing and drafting contracts and devising tax ruses.
  2. ↑ Professional courtesy.
  3. ↑ "The Honest Lawyer" exists as a pub in Ottawa and Hamilton, Ontario with the described logo. There are others, which are likely no affiliation, in the UK and elsewhere.
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