Fanfic/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


"Doctor, I'd like the part of my brain responsible for that image lobotomized, please..."

Harry Potter

  • The famous Lily/James diary-style fanfic Haggis from Algernon. The entire fucking thing, although anything related to the character of Helena Hodge is particularly hilarious.
    • Also these lines:

James: Note to self: must teach Algernon the difference between Remus Lupin and a pancake.

James: You have a nice bum. I like your hair. Marry me, yeah?

Lily: I'll marry Snape just to piss him off. And then I'll jump off the Eiffel Tower and die!

Lily: *about Sirius* Then I told him to go fuck himself up his own arse. That’s not physically possible in most cases, but as Black essentially is one giant dick, I’m sure he’ll manage. Or, you know, maybe he’ll ask James to do it for him, since he’s so into him and all. I’m still holding out for Black’s death by paper cut. I hope I’m there to see it.

Also, James leaving the Marauder's Map to Remus in his will, because he "doesn't trust the other two not to lose it."

...she quite wanted to accelerate James’ mass with the amount of force necessary to place him straight in the path of one of the tree’s flailing branches. She didn’t, though. Mainly because she thought it wouldn’t get her her wand back any time before Gladderbee’s Comet came round again (Gladderbee’s Comet passes the Earth every five hundred years, and only if it happens to be a year in which a leprechaun of the age of six hundred and sixty-nine years old has died standing up, his left eye closed in a wink, while he is having a flirtation with a fairy with green wings. In the entire infinite expanse of time, Gladderbee’s Comet has only passed the Earth an extra-ordinary total of zero consecutive times)

    • Also, Lupin's reaction to Lily's behavior in the hospital wing.
  • Naked Quidditch Match. All of Harry and Voldemort's correspondence, full stop:

To: Potter
From: Lord Voldemort NOT Tommy!
Re: Re: Minions

Are you threatening ME?
—LV

To: TOMMY!!!!
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Minions
Why, yes! Now that you ask.

Whatcha going to do about it? Kill me?
—Harry
  • The Harry Potter Fanfic The Lie I've Lived. After his battle with the Dementors at the end of PoA, Harry finds out that he has all his dad's memories, courtesy of all the weird magic flying around the night Voldemort tried to kill him. When he tells Sirius:

Harry: Didn't I tell you to shut it? It shook loose something all right, but it wasn't power. I found all of Prongs's memories in my head -- the entire life and times of James Potter.
Sirius: If you're having one on me, Harry, this isn't a funny joke.
Harry: If I was having one on I'd tell you I have Lily's memories and now I'm gender confused.

    • An honourable mention must go to the way HJ (as he styles himself soon after the events spoiler-tagged above) deals with the First Task. It has to be read to be believed, but to give you some idea of the sheer Crazy Awesome of it, the only reason Albus denied him a perfect ten was because he committed the cardinal sin of covering a Rolling Stones song other than "Ruby Tuesday".
  • Another Harry Potter fanfic, The Adventures of Icarus, the Invisible Poltergeist, has quite a few. "Sir? Why does the Muggle cauldron have a hat?"
  • The Carols [dead link] For Crazies on The HMS STFU, a series of Christmas-themed filks, were all funny, but especially the final one entitled "/".

Bu-u-u-u-u-u-ggery,
Is what the story needed!
(and later)
Bi-i-i-i-i-i-o-logy
We'll surely be ignoring!
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-ass babies
We soon will be recording!

  • In the fanfic Fauna's Fate Harry was abandoned by the Dursleys in an orphanage, and was found and adopted by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. At age 15, he enrolls in Hogwarts and is sorted into Slytherin. Naturally, there he has to deal with Draco Malfoy, who attempts to assert himself as the top dog. From the start, Harry calls Malfoy "Smallboy" in a reference to his relatively short stature. This nickname slowly makes its way around Hogwarts, culminating in a Transfiguration class in which, after Harry throws Malfoy's wand out of the window, McGonagall arrives and the following exchange takes place:

McGonagall: Take your seat, Mr. Malfoy.
Malfoy: Professor McGonagall, Black threw...
McGonagall: Your seat.
Malfoy: But my wand...
McGonagall: TAKE YOUR SEAT, MR. SMALLBOY!

  • Harry Potter and the Eagle of Truthiness. Just... just wow. Stephen Colbert becomes the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and proceeds to turn the class into an episode of The Colbert Report. The result? Best. Teacher. Ever.
  • The Man in Draco's Bed is basically made of this. A desperate Lucius, standing in Malfoy Manor's entrance hall, pointing a gun to his own temple, says it all: “THAT’S IT. I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE! I’VE GOT BLOODY DEATH EATERS STUCK IN ROOMS ALL OVER MY HOME, A COVEN OF FUCKING GRYFFINDORS IN THE SITTING ROOM, A DOTTY OLD COOT PLAYING “SCRATCH THE KITTY” WITH HIS PET ANIMAGUS, A PREGNANT TEMPORARY-SQUIB SON-IN-LAW WHO’S EATING ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME AND THE FUCKING LORD OF DARKNESS STANDING OUT ON MY FRONT STEPS!!! LIFE AS I KNOW IT…IS… NOW … OFFICIALLY …OVER!”
  • The otherwise unremarkable Harry/Ginny Lemon The Voice of Experience by Laylah (registration required) has this immortal punchline:

And then it happened: perfectly in time with each other, the way that sex never happens in real life, [Harry and Ginny] came in unison, moaning, "Oh... yes... Draco!"
The Talk that followed was far less thrilling than the sex, though at least as educational.

- "Thanks Sirius," Remus replied ungratefully, "for stomping on my wand, rubbing your arse up against me and suggesting an appropriate choice of committing suicide."

- "Are you saying you have female friends?" Peter asked Sirius.
"Of course I do!"
"Alright then, name one."
"Err... Bellatrix!"
"She's your cousin," Remus pointed out. "Relations don't count."
"Besides, have you forgotten that you hate her guts and want a Thestral to mow her down?" James reminded him.
"Just because I think she's a bitch doesn't mean she's not my friend," Sirius argued. "I think you're all bitches, but you're still my friends."

- Sirius puts a spell on James that forces him to only speak in rhyme: "Your name is Sirius Black. You are on crack. Your face is not in tack. All you do is yack. You're something I want to whack. You have no ball sack-"

- Just everything to do with the Peenapul sisters. Everything.

- "Well, isn't that typical," Sirius remarked, rolling his eyes. Remus shone a look of confusion. "Even when you're high, Moony, you see intelligent things." He wagged a finger. "Prongs see's Lily-silly-billy. Wormtail sees bunnies. I see boobs. And what do you see? Historical figures."

- Remus made a hellish glare. "Bend over before I bite you."

- All of James' suicide attempts. Particularly the one where he tries to drown himself in the lake: "Hey, they're my handcuffs!" Sirius shouted, examining them from a distance. "Oh, wait. Those are pink and fluffy. Mine are black. I do apologize."

- "Well, actually," Sirius cringed, "It was the Moony-man's homophobic spirit in him that saved you," he said proudly.
Remus looked at him indcredulously. "Did you just call me homophobic?"
"Oh, sorry. I meant heroic."
James cracked up laughing but only led to outcries of pain and coughing up a little phlegm on his bed sheet.
"Oh, that's lovely," Sirius commented, looking at the spit where his hand had been only seconds before.

Sirius gasped as if he were burned. "Fine!" he said, in a tone which clearly stated he was not, "Fine! I'll prank Snivellus by myself. But you'll be sorry when I have the medal for honouree homophobic-ness...I mean heroicness! HEROICNESS, damn it! Why are those words so bloody similar?"

- The entire scene when James and Peter walk in on Sirius tying Remus up so he can force feed him Polyjuice Potion and jump to the wrong conclusion.

- When James lampshades the fact the Sirius a lot of the songs that Sirius keeps singing haven't been written yet (because it's set in the 70's.)

- Sirius' version of the Lord' Prayer: "Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, heaven is better than hell, daily bread is nice- especially toast- trespassers will be shot. The end. Amen. Anyone want to join me for lunch? I have the odd sensation for salad.”

- Sirius singing 'Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting' and Remus threatening to leap off the back of their broom if he didn't shut up.

- James, Lily, Sirius, Remus and Pettigrew missing the train and attempting to walk to Hogwarts: "Sirius suddenly thought of an ingenious idea and stopped walking, making the others take attention to him. "Oooow," he moaned, rather theatrically. He put the back of his hand to his head and groaned again, hovering a foot in the air. "My foot hurts," he shot an inclining look at Remus, "Moony, could you be a doll and-"
"Don't even think about it."

- Sirius' letter to Dumbledore explaining that they missed the train that got exceedingly off-topic:
Yo, Dumbley-door!
Just writing a note to tell you we are cool (teenage slang word for fine and well).
No need to worry about us, especially me since I am exceedingly missed, mostly by Professor McGonagall who is probably reading this over your shoulder and was in your office because she was giving you a spanking! OH YEAH, SIRIUS BLACK KNOWS ALL, MATE. Don't think that I haven't seen you two do footsie under the teachers' table in the great hall, you two! If you don't give me a million galleons by tomorrow evening at seventeen hundred hours, I will be forced to declare your TEACHERS SEX to the ENTIRE SCHOOL at the breakfast table. DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T DO IT, MATEY-

- Remus eyed Sirius' trouser pocket with suspicion, the clothing looking more active than usual. "You can let him out now."
Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
"Peter. You can let Peter out now."
"That's funny, 'cos I thought you were referring to my-"
"Don't even," Remus cut in shortly.

- Sirius calling everyone 'papoose' as both an insult and a term of endearment, despite Remus' frequent protests that that neither is the real definition.

- A conversation between James and Sirius about Remus' 'furry little problem' leads Frank Longbottom to believe that they're planning an orgy with a rabbit.

- Sirius' alternating names for Hogsmeade whilst drunk: Hoogamed, Hogmeedy and Hoggasmed.

- "Yawning, James was about to make his way to his dorm for bed, when he remembered Lily was still unconscious on the floor – sadly remembering it too late as he tripped over one of her strewn arms with a "What the bugger!" "

- "I really think getting drunk in a forbidden forest is a bad idea. You're likely to get molested by a centaur," said James.
"Ugh," Sirius shuddered. "You know what the worst part about that would be? They'd probably do it while commenting every few seconds, 'Mars is bright tonight'."
"The way they go on about the luminosity of Mars you'd think it was decorated in Christmas tree lights."
"I wish it was so I could actually see it in the sky for once when a centaur remarks about it."

- He looked over her shoulder and scanned the note; his face quickly matched Lily's. "My, it appears to be drawings of stick people."
"Labeled after us," Lily pointed to their names. "And what exactly are the stick people doing, James?"
He had a feeling she very well knew what the diagrams of the stick people were doing - she just wanted to embarrass him. And she was doing an exceptional job of it, turning him redder than ever.
"They're…" He cleared his throat. "They're having… sex, in various impossible positions." He met Lily's eyes and looked apologetic. "I swear I did not draw those-"
"Sirius," Lily presumed before he went on. "For someone who you've said has never even had sex, it's rather alarming that he knows so many ways to… apparently break your groin."
"Especially in that one," James tapped the parchment with a squirm. "We should leave this around to freak out some first years."
Lily stared at him. "And that is why Dumbledore chose you as Head Boy."

- Snape rather hoped Lockhart would swish a little too enthusiastically by the fire and go up in flames.

- He could catch up on his professional journal reading, as he was falling behind due to having to deal with idiotic fellow faculty, dunderheaded DADA instructors who were neither competent in the Dark Arts nor qualified to be instructors ... or he could drink until his eyes crossed and fall into bed.
The last option sounded best.

- (Just after the sex scene) It was lovely. Incredible. Wonderful.
"Darling!"
It was Lockhart.
Snape gave up the fight and fainted dead away.

- Finally, and worst of all, the randy peacock not only sat next to him, but then began to rattle on about what a wonderful couple they made and how he couldn't wait to have another rendezvous and do it all again.
Flitwick, Hooch and McGonagall gave him identical looks of complete shock, then Snape was appalled to see money exchange hands. Hooch looked quite smug afterward.
He was simply going to have to kill them all.
Or perhaps just himself.
Or maybe just Dumbledore.
Still undecided, he stormed away from the breakfast table and hid in his laboratory until he could safely sneak up to Dumbledore's office. Not that he would admit he hid, nor sneaked, although he did indeed do both.
[...]
Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling.
That did it. He had to kill Dumbledore. He opened his mouth to say exactly that when it hit him that he couldn't kill Dumbledore. For one thing, Dumbledore wouldn't let him. For another, of the lot of them, Dumbledore was the least expendable.
"Please," he begged, unashamed. "Kill me now."
The twinkle disappeared in a wave of shock. "Erm," Dumbledore said very slowly, "toffee?"
"Or I'll simply have to kill Lockhart. No one would miss him. Truly. Honestly. Who would miss him? I wouldn't! You wouldn't! Nobody would! OUCH!" he yelped as he forgot for a moment, in the heat of his plea, and sat down directly on his abused bum. He popped back up to his feet, alternately glaring balefully and staring pleadingly at Dumbledore.

1: Sir is still yakking. Oh shit he's going to tell us how clever he is... and my knees are killing me. My rheumatism will 'alf give me gyp kneeling in a damp churchyard.
2: And listen to him whinge on about how we didn't spend the last 12 bloody years crawling all over Europe looking for him. As if I didn't have better things to do with my time.
1: Too right. 'Mightier than any living wizard' my arse. If he's so fucking mighty, why doesn't he just curse Potter instead of talking us all to death?
2: I think I've ruptured something. Not natural balancing on one knee.
1: Doesn't he go on.....

....

1: Oh come on, just KILL him and be done with it.
2: What's the hurry?
1: I think I've left the cauldron on.
2: What's that he's going on about now? Why doesn't he just kill him?
1: Too bloody fond of the sound of his own voice. Squeaky git...

"That's the Black family tree, the original document. It was attached to the wall with a Permanent Sticking Charm, so we had to wait for the next full moon and get our resident werewolf to gnaw it off, but I think he made a pretty neat job of it. No damage to the tapestry."

Crossover

  • A Strawberry Panic/Family Guy crossover (seriously!) called "Everybody Loves Yaya" (can be found on FF.NET) had some really hysterical ones (it also has a sequel, "Yaya for President"):
    • Tsubomi finding Brian's pot stash and getting high.
    • Yaya, of all people, beats the crap out of and kills(!) Ernie the Giant Chicken!
    • Amane teams up with Stewie to save Hikari from Kaname in a hilarious Neon Genesis Evangelion shoutout. How it backfires is even funnier.
    • Quagmire teaching Tamao how to be a Pervert. Overlaps with Crowning Moment of Heartwarming when he helps her hook up with Chiyo, and by the time he finally leaves, his exit is hilarious.
      • Tamao actually manages to steal Kaname's bra (right off her chest) in a display of perverted awesome.
      • And Quagmire tops that by successfully groping Shizuma and liberating her of her bra!
    • In the sequel, Peter gives an awesome speech defending Yaya's decision to get a tattoo. Has a really funny line where he hilariously lampshades No Bisexuals.
  • Though the rest of the story is pretty bland, there is one amazing moment in the Harry Potter/Bleach crossover The Muggle With White Hair. Fred and George have dragged Toshiro to Quidditch tryouts against his will, and when Toshiro refuses to mount a broom, they comment about how he's probably too fragile to play a rough sport like Quidditch. Hyorinmaru then snarks "Need some ice for that burn, Toshiro?"
  • Blackadder 40k: Tales from the Black Millennium, a Blackadder/Warhammer 40,000 crossover: Percy (now a Sanctioned Psyker) causes Noise Marines to break down or commit suicide by singing Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up".
  • Harry Potter/ The Saga of Darren Shan crossover vampires and wizards gives us this;

'Who was that?' Harry asked.
'Who was what?' Darren blinked.
'The little guy in the robes.'
'What little guy in robes?'
'The one you were just talking to!'
'I was talking to a little guy in robes?'
'Yes! Who was he?'
'Who was who?'
'The little guy in robes!'
'What little guy in robes?'
'Darren! You were talking to a little guy in robes! Who was he?'
'I don't know what you're talking about. Are you sure you're not mad?'
'I- DARREN.'

  • In Truth Decays (Naruto/Fullmetal Alchemist Crossover, though Ed's the only one to show so far), Ed is inside a building, while unbeknownst to him outside, the Sound Four is attacking Sasuke in an effort to convert him. This leads to Ed's first interaction with Tayuya:

'"WILL. YOU. PLEASE. SHUT. THE. FxxK. UP!" Ed shouted, throwing a tomato between each word.
'There was a shriek, and a barrage of cursing came echoing up to them.
'"YOU LITTLE FREAK! I'M GOING TO COME UP THERE AND TEAR YOUR FxxKING HEAD OFF!" a shrill female voice raged.
'"GO AHEAD AND TRY, YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Ed yelled back. "YOU'D BE DOING ME A FAVOR, CAUSE I WOULDNT HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR CRAPPY MUSIC ANY MORE! YOU SUCK!"

Ryuk:Yeah, but it's a hassle because some Shinigami from the other realms don't always take kindly to visits. The Shinigami in the last dimension chased me around with swords. They even called me names. I don't know why they called me 'hollow', but I didn't like it.

Haruna got the resulting rumble back out of control by simple Magnificent Bastardry. "Imperium Graphices! Summon Overfiend, Great Paru-sama Edition!"
There was much screaming and order was restored. Haruna, apparently, put much less emphasis on 'Magnificent'.

    • In the same chapter, Green Lantern Nanoha mistakes Negi for a girl (since almost all of her other allies are magical girls). Rather than correcting her, Ala Alba takes her mistake and runs with it, getting all of 3-A and the Dean to start treating Negi as a girl.
  • From the Batman/Sin City crossover, A Dark Knight Over Sin City:

Joker: [trying to stab Marv with a syringe filled with toxin] Don't be afraid. It's only a little prick.
Marv: I don't care what you got in your pants, pal! [punch]

  • A few in Kitsune On Campus, a Naruto and Mahou Sensei Negima crossover. Some of the standouts include the entire class believing Naruto has just had a threesome with Mana and Keade, and is now planning a Five way; Negi and Naruto listing in detail why certain members of the class are cute, in front of the class. Chisame's reactions really makes it; rather recently there was, well, The Kissing Incident Up to Eleven. Finally we have pretty much all of the Eva and Naruto interactions. All of them. A stand out is when Naruto's hand accidently lands on Eva's chest:

"Flat," Naruto muttered.
"What. Did. You Say?"
"I-I-I'm gonna die for that, aren't I?"
"Yeah, and it is going to be slow and painful."
"Would it help if I said I was sorry?"
"No," Eva responded flatly.
"Okay. Would it help if I told you that I had video of you bugging out when Zero-chan called you mummy, you getting into a fight over Negi, and your face when I explained what I had to do to get my Master, all of which would be distributed around the school?"

  • The Daria/Buffy the Vampire Slayer story Sum of Their Parts has Glory and her entourage take Cameron Kim disguised as Dawn to Lawndale High so they can open the portal to Glory's hell dimension. They encounter Kevin, who works there as a janitor, but when Glory tries to brainsuck him... nothing.
  • The Gameverse [dead link] is a Glee series where the characters become contestants on reality shows, while the first one, Survivor isn't focused on humour for most of the game the finale, the final tribal council, the reunion show, and the announcement of teams for The Amazing Race, is one CMOF after another.
    • The Amazing Race version has a lot of funny moments, and it's just got to the half way point, April and Josh Groban's entire one leg spent with April drunk due to the free alcohol she got on the plane, Shelby and Jesse's elimination, and Blaine's completely awesome meltdown wherein he calls out Rachel, his partner for the race, for being so completely egotistical, Quinn for being manipulative, and yells at Mike and Tina to get personalities are the highlights.
  • This crossover between Harry Potter and the Justice League (among others) has quite a few, but the best is when Dumbledore gives a shout-out to The Question.

Hermione: Why do you have wards against Aglets?
Dumbledore: (dead serious) Do not say their names. Their true purpose... is sinister. (one of the instruments in Dumbledore's office creates an ominous flash of lightning in the background.)

    • And then there's this:

Snape: (On Harry's adoption by Danny & Tess Ocean, with Mad-eye as adoptive grandparent) You should have taken him back to his muggle relative once you'd found him. Not raised him with some yankee ponce and a crackpot conspiracy theorist.
Dumbledore: (confused) I got the impression that Tess was of rather sound mind.

Electo-Ghost: (grabs Danny) Take me! Take me away now! Please don't let them take me! Where's that Thermos thing?!
Danny: H-hey, stop! What do you think you're doing?
Electo-Ghost: (fiddles with Thermos) Come on, come on, how do you get this thing to work?! (activates it and laughs as he's sucked inside)
Danny: O-kay... That was definitely a new one on me. (To the Ghostbusters) Uh... hi?
Peter: (team express just as much confusion) Any thoughts?
Ray: Yeah... one down and one to go. Blast him!

    • There is also the fact that when Danny reveals his identity to them several chapters later, he is bummed out they aren't very amazed or spooked. Given the entirety of the list of supernatural things they've faced before hand, even a half-human half-ghost is not really beyond the Ghostbuster's radar of weird.
  • In Death Note and Lupin III crossover story, idiot, Misa talks to Fujiko about seeing her at a jewel store last night and started to make comments like wearing a catsuit that she doesn't complete zip up and acting like a weirdo in that outfit as if she's planning to rob the place or something. Fujiko started to sweat at this. The bright side for her is that Misa thinks of what she's doing is a rehearsal for a play of her own with her "co-stars" Lupin, Jigen, Goemon, and Zenigata.

I'm just lucky Misa's a total idiot. It's like I dodged another bullet.


Twilight


Star Trek

  • While everything by canis_takahari on LJ is basically solid gold, her Kirk/McCoy fic Fever deserves special mention for Jim's landshark maneuver. All you need is the Jaws soundtrack and you're good:

Approximately six seconds later, he’s belly-crawling along the ‘Fleet-issued cord carpet toward the bedside table. McCoy is snoring lightly, sprawled motionless on the mattress. For a moment, there is utter stillness in the room as Jim slithers up alongside the storage unit and then rises over the edge of the bed like a creature emerging from the black lagoon. McCoy-centric observation proceeds for the next thirty seconds as Jim watches the steady rise and fall of his chest, only the top of his head visible, and then he disappears below once more.

    • Also, this: (a very sexual conversation has just been had)

James T. Kirk sent to Leonard H. McCoy: ...Do you think the Academy monitors the text-only comm feeds?
Christopher Pike sent to James T. Kirk and Leonard H. McCoy: Yes, Kirk, it does. For the record, I hate you both.
Leonard H. McCoy sent to James T. Kirk: jim you have exactly one hour to get your sorry ass off-planet before I come find you and put my boot through your pelvis

"McCoy to Chapel." He says, barely waiting for his head nurse to reply before cutting her off. "Bingo!"
"Son of a Bitch!" Chapel yells in disbelief. Jim is briefly shocked speechless. He's never heard the woman curse before. "We're hardly ten minutes in, there's no way you've got five this fast!"
"Jim has a remarkable collection." Bones is fucking gleeful. "You'd be amazed."
"Gimme that!" Jim snatches the PADD from Bones' hand just as Chekov's leaning in to get a look. He glances over the table currently being displayed. Blinks and reads the title again. "STD Bingo? Bones!"

  • [2] The one in which poor Spock is unable to remove an unwanted, sleepwalking Kirk from his bed:

Kirk: "So I don't know, maybe I sleep walked to a warm place," said Kirk.
Spock: That is a logical possibility, allowed Spock. However, I would appreciate it very much, Captain, if you would awake-walk back to your own quarters, and take that animal with you.

    • The fourth time Spock woke up to the captain in his bed was approximately thirty point two seven seven five minutes after the third time. The captain had somehow managed to transport himself, the cats, the tribble and the woolly afghan back into Spock's bed, despite a security lock that shocked intruders first and asked for identification later. It occurred to him that the tribble smelled slightly of electricity. There were times when Spock wished with all his human heart that James Kirk actually was, to quote Dr McCoy again, as dumb and pretty as he looked.

Spock: Captain, I have no desire to actually know why your shirt states that the viewer has been very naughty and should go to your room, or why that action is requested, but by Lt Uhura's reaction, I am assured it is neither appropriate nor professional.

    • "Hey," said the captain feelingly. "Did you nerve pinch me again? You know I hate it when you nerve pinch me."

"I apologize, Captain, but I had not expected you to invade my bed again," said Spock.
"I didn't 'invade' your bed!" argued the captain, sitting up.
"You put yourself, two cats, a tribble, and a hand-knit bed covering in my bed, and then told me we should keep meeting like this," said Spock.

  • List of Enterprise Crew Facts [3]
    • Sulu doesn't pilot the Enterprise through space, space moves around the Enteprise.
    • Scotty doesn't break the laws of physics, he forces the laws of physics to rewrite themselves.
    • Uhura is in fact the reason the Vulcan language now has a word for "fucking".
    • Kirk is in fact the reason the word "fuck" exists in any language.
    • Chekov does not have a Russian accent. Russia has a Chekov accent.
  • [4]

Nero: You think he likes me? I mean like likes me. He's so dreamy.
Ayel: Perhaps chaining him down in Engineering is not a proper way to express your affection.
Nero: But I don't want him to get away!

    • Later:

Nero: I'm sure you have many questions for me. I have only one for you. What's your sign, baby?
Pike stared. And stared some more, his mouth working soundlessly. There was dead silence.
It was finally broken by a sharp, resounding smack.
The palm print on Ayel's forehead lasted for days.

  • This Star Trek: Enterprise fanfic, in which the entire main cast save Captain Archer is transformed into sentient, talking animals. While the entire thing is hilarious, easily the funniest bit is Malcolm Reed, who greatly enjoys blowing things up and can think of any number of truly unpleasant ways to kill anything, stalking around as a perpetually offended, always-dignified, blue-grey-eyed, black-furred... house cat. Who absolutely turns into a boneless pile of kitty goo for belly rubs. To the point where he earns the moniker "Lieutenant Floppy Puddle of Ecstasy." Please note there is mention of Archer/Reed slash, although it's not explicit.
    • Not to mention Travis breaking his leg...again. And Malcolm freaking out over Porthos and climbing onto Archer's head.
  • From Lady Ra's Emotions:

McCoy: You know that betting pool?
Kirk: The one that doesn't exist?
McCoy: Yeah, that one.


Doctor Who

  • Missing Sorta is full of these. Told from the Doctor's POV.
    • "By the way, Mr. Police Officer, sir, have you seen a stray police box anywhere? It’s blue... so high... and... no?"
    • Later:

The TARDIS is at a complete standstill, on the ground, and we are tearing towards it...
I whip out the sonic screwdriver and manage to open the TARDIS doors and we go careening through them, across the control room floor and out the other side, down the hall and smack right into the bins.
The engine dies and the siren gives out a sickly wail before it too falls silent. And all I can hear is my hearts hammering inside my chest and the police officer's heavy breathing.
"Did we catch it?" he says, gripping the wheel like a vice.


The Lord of the Rings

Boromir Looks like we’re the only ones not gettin’ any tonight.
Gimli Don’t look at me Son of Gonads. I mean Gondor!

Aragorn Well then, talk dirty to me Legolas.
Legolas "Mud. Grime, um, dirt?"
Aragorn slapped his forehead and rolled his eyes. He’d forgotten that Elves could be SO literal.

    • Not to mention Boromir's inability to say anything other than 'shit, shit, shit!'
      • ‘Shit, shit and shit.’ mumbled the frustrated Son of Gonad, I mean Gondor. (Boromir sends dagger glares at the author.)

"Frodo, the temperature seems just fine to me..."
"No, no Legolas. I’m not talkin’ temperatures, unless you mean I’m burnin’ up because of you."
"Are you ill?" asked an alarmed Legolas.
Frodo smacked his forehead. Legolas inclined his head, waiting for Frodo to continue and wondering why mortals always hit their heads around him.

  • Limyaael's (yes, that one) serial-Reality Ensues fic "The Game of the Gods" is made of funny from start to finish, but the best moments come courtesy of Varda's probably-unwise-in-hindsight decision to let Fëanor play a round. He promptly ran off at the end of the chapter and began to cause as much chaos as elvenly possible. Morgoth winds up hiding under the table several times.
    • Elvish ninjas. That is all. Oh, and Tulkas telling Morgoth that he needs a girlfriend.
    • After one of Morgoth's Sues gets killed by the Balrog without any effort on the part of his opponent, he gets this letter:[1]

Dear goth,
Should ve known, you astard. You de ed me wage bene and no raise for mil years. Of course I would venge on you, and your p cious Sue.
Sin ly,
Bal g of Mor a.


Death Note

Near: Are we sure we want to do this?
Mello: It's not like you to have doubts.
Near: I don't usually face such definite trouble.
Matt: That is the one thing we can guarantee will happen. We still in agreement over who to confess to?
Mello: Light?
Near: Light.

Light: So we're standing outside your door, ready to call it a night. How would you go about ending our date to ensure it was memorable for me?
Misa: SEX!
Light: Good answer, Misa!

    • Everything L says/does. Everything (in particular his depiction of a 'date' with Light and Light's reaction).
  • One from The End Is Near that really stands out:

Matt: Let me get this straight. Your ex is thin, pretty, blonde, overreacts to everything, and has a penchant for Gothic clothing?
Light: Yes.
Matt: Are you sure you weren't dating Mello?

Light pulled himself up to the counter, putting on his, 'I'm completely normal and if you don't believe me, I'll kill you,' façade. Evidently, it didn't work; the bartender simply continued to stare apprehensively at the faded blood-stain on Light's uniform before slowly reaching for his gun. Best not to trust soldiers.
"He's going to shoot us, isn't he?" Nathanial watched as the bartender froze and carefully removed his hand from the vicinity of his rifle, noticing for the first time, perhaps, just how many weapons the rag-tag team had.
"Someone's always trying to shoot us." Marcus was very apt in pointing things like this out, creating a philosophy that predicted all manner of reactions to their ensemble.
The bartender made an inward estimate of the money he would lose through property damage. Damn foreign soldiers.
By the end of the night, it was difficult to decide whether Naomi was scarier drunk or sober. At least when she was sober, she had better aim and didn't attempt to have a sense of humor. Either way, everyone was disturbed.

  • Xanatos had quite a few, a lot of them involving Matt.
    • Chapter 1: Mello tries to prank Near by slipping hair dye in his shampoo. It backfired when Matt wound up using said shampoo, and came out of the shower with bright red hair!
    • And he liked the look! Mello's reaction consisted of a priceless expression coupled with My God, What Have I Done??
    • Chapter 2:

Matt: So, I'm just curious...why the mafia?
Mello: Isn't it obvious? It'll be the best advantage, since I can't work with an organization that operates with Near, and without being restricted by the law, I'll have the upper hand.
Matt: And, of course there's always a great excuse to dress in tight black leather.
Mello: What?
Matt: What?
Mello: What the hell are you implying?

Linda: MAAAAAT!
Matt: Yes Linda?
Linda: I hate you!

    • Matt and Linda's dialogue when they're about to meet L for the first time:

Matt: Relax, it's not a job interview...uh, well, it kind of is, but honestly, you'll be fine.
Linda: You mean it?
Matt: No Linda. You will fail. It will be tragic and L will personally throw you out the window.

Matsuda: Aw damn! We've been Rickrolled!

Granted, Raito is a terrifying, jealous, power-hungry, arrogant sociopath Serial Killer, but these are all things that L knew the first time he and Raito played six hours of mind games that led to strip poker and somehow anal sex. It was really rather unfair of him to simply abandon the game mid-session; it wasn't as if he wasn't allowed to change the rules. Perhaps, he'd been hasty.

Raito stormed off, and four hours after that, all the detectives gather around the television, torn between laughter and louder laughter when a gang known for kidnapping, gang-raping, and trafficking young girls and boys into prostitution all die of what appears to be autoerotic asphyxiation--bodies falling conveniently in a public square.
The chief squints. "Does that--?"
L narrows his eyes and drinks more coffee.
"Yeah," one of the others says.
"It totally does," another detective chimes in.
"L SUCKS DICK," the Chief reads.
Just under his breath, L mutters, "Not anymore, that's for damn sure."

L has used his extensive knowledge of cryptology to code in things like "Perhaps we should reconsider our relationship and consider reapplying generous amounts of sex in the butt." (Though it frustrated him greatly, even L's awesome mind could not properly work the semantics of forensic pathology and the word "fucking" together.)
Raito raises one fine, fine brow at L when L says this, and replies, "On the other hand, perhaps the coroner wasn't thorough enough in his external examination--needle-punctures can be wildly difficult to locate and I have not yet abandoned the idea that some of these deaths could have been caused by the application of excessive insulin. Local law enforcement has, after all, been writing them off too easily on Kira."
After Raito has left the room, L says, "That was completely uncalled for."

Unsorted

"And then...well...so now…you see…this thing...oh, how can I explain this? Give me a moment."
Minutes later...
"So um," The Bum was writing on his notepad, wearing glasses and trying to figure out what happened next in the movie. "there're more strange dialogs, monologs, ass-ologs. More random flashbacks and cut-scenes…a floating head of a panda…an upside-down chicken mask…a heavily-armed clown…Michael Jackson…"
Hours later…
The Bum was drawing alien symbols and calculating mathematical equations on a chalk board, still clueless about the rest of the movie. "So there are these Rei clones appearing spontaneously…um, whoever they touch turns into carrot juice…then there are some people walking into a theatre…and oh yeah, Michael Jackson."

    • And then, at the end, he finally snaps...

"So let's review this…there's an Eva pilot who has a fetish on exposed hospital patients, an officer who likes to have sex with young boys and a Lieutenant who's secretly a lesbian working in a special agency."
"WHAT KIND OF PSYCHOTIC SCREWBALL WROTE THIS SCRIPT? I bet the entire animation staff were high on drugs during the entire production! Even I could have made a better movie than them!"

Leif walked into the alley SO ARNOLD HE YELLLED TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MORE POOR YOUNG GIRLS EH I GUESS I WAS TOO LATE TO STOP YOU FROM TAKING THIS YOUNG GIRLS INNOCENCE BUT IT IS NOT TO LATE FOR ME TO KILL YOU.

  • First Impressions, a Gorillaz UST Slash Fic, has the immortal line "Oh yeah, denthead, you know whose bitch you really are." (For context, a frightened 2D just glomped Murdoc instead of Paula, who was also in the room.)
  • One So Okay It's Average Zelda fic featuring Link on a dating show had this gem:

"Third question! Where would you live with Link?" [...] "6?"
"Uh...um...A BOTTLE!" Contestant six [2] blurted. Sheik stood there blinking.

"So you mean Shepard's actually getting off on imagining us all having sex with each other?" Tali asked.
"Apparently so." Miranda said, scowling. "Disgusting though the thought may be. I can just picture her sitting alone at night, coming up with all these perverted scenarios."
"Yes," Kelly said. "She must be spending hours in her quarters, sitting at her terminal, probably naked. Touching herself as she writes. Her beautiful face illuminated only by the light from the screen as she brings herself to orgasm, her mind empty of everything but sex, sex, sex! Oh!" The Yeoman gasped. "I think I need to lie down."
Tali gave the Yeoman a dubious look and decided it was just better to ignore her from now on.

    • Oh christ Jack's F-bombs are hilarious. Half the sentences are bleeped and the other half is Noodle Implements
      • And in the end, Thane comes in, Jacob nearly shoots him, and then a fight happens.
    • Grunt is somewhat confused by the whole thing (the tank's imprints don't mention mating rituals), gets bored halfway through, and starts randomly headbutting the walls.
    • And Garrus? "Oh, Pressly, my love! I miss you so much!" Garrus wailed. We always suspected.
  • Command & Conquer: Tiberium Wars explains why the lighting in Nod's buildings is always so poor and they've got perpeptual mist hanging around at waist height. Officially, it is to remind the Brotherhood of Nod that their place is in darkness and in the shadows. In reality, Kane just likes hearing people bang their shins against consoles.
    • And after Rawne falls victim to the above, his reaction to Kane and Kilian Qatar.

Deep down, Rawne envied Kane, if only for the fact that he was surrounded by so many leggy blondes who felt the need to fondle him.

Corporal Peterson: Look, I'm just saying we've got this gigantic, trillion-dollar ion cannon array in orbit, tanks the size of fucking houses, supersonic jet fighters that can hit the stratosphere, and these crazy-calculus advanced proto-world-conquering super A Is, and here we are in out fucking recon with our fucking super cloak-piercing sensors and radar array and guided missile launchers and auto-loading mortars, and for some mystical, unfathomable reason, we don't fucking have working, fucking, AC! This is bullshit of the biggest, bisioniest order.
Sergeant Hershey: Peterson?
Corporal Peterson: Yeah, Sarge?
Sergeant Hershey: Shut the fuck up.

    • Any time Havoc arrives on the scene, really.

Note pinned to a downed Avatar mech: Dear Kane: Merry Christmas. Your buddy, Havoc.

  • Heroes In A Chatroom. In one scene, we see Candice, Sylar, and the Haitian discussing the issue of illegal immigration.
    • Also:

NikiMM: Say, Micah, there R only two computers in the house. how R U on?
GeniousBoy01101: Now there are 3
GeniousBoy01101: BTW, we need a new toaster

  • The Open Door: "Unless the basic standards of manhood around here involving eating armed thermonuclear warheads and farting kittens while banging a harem of supermodels, I'm fairly certain you qualify as having balls of solid titanium in the manliness department." Pretty much all of Lars' exchange with Keiichi in that chapter, for that matter.
    • And a few chapters after that it's revealed that Lars is pregnant, and Skuld is the father .
  • "A story of pain and sorrow, not intented for comfort or laughter...a story that remains untold, on of abuse and blood...telling of a shattered girl who learned to twist a heart of stone into one of warm gold. This is not a story for the faint of heart, nor the happy in spirit. But for those who are able to understand what it means to be hurt...to watch as a girl's spirit is shattered like glass upon concrete. Watch as she melts the young master's heart of ice, and watch as she helps him heal. She has no name, but his... is Señor Draco."
  • These two Merlin RPS fics. Just about every line. The ending of the first one doubles as Crowning Moment of Heartwarming. (The first one contains Mister Seahorse... be forewarned).
  • The Secret Life of Dolls manages at least one per entry, but this one left this troper howling.

Cleo: You're looking for two girls, a pirate and a gypsy. DO NOT ENGAGE THE CAT. MOVE MOVE MOVE!

Wedge: Kell, how long would it take you to rig up a decent sized explosion?
Kell Tainer: Sir, are you asking me what I think you're asking me?
Wedge: Yes, I want you to blow something up.
Kell Tainer: So,you're actually giving me permission to blow something up?
Wedge: Tainer-
Kell Tainer: Could someone check on the General? I think he's feeling ill.
Wedge: Tainer-
Kell Tainer: Maybe I should get Cubber down here, I might be getting some bad audio through my headset. I could swear Wedge just asked me to blow something up.
Wedge: Tainer-
Kell Tainer: Shh, let me savor this moment.

They fight that GARGOYLE DEMON MONSTER THING from that FANTASIA movie.
Sora: This isn't so bad. All we have to do is not float in front of his mouth as he spews fire, and move away when he surrounds himself with flames from below.
Goofy: WHAT'S THAT?? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY SKIN BEING BURNT TO A CRISP! HYUCK!

"Oh, just wondering how big that brain of yours is ... just thinking about how many explosives I could fit up there". (It's funnier in context).

"We'll take this one," he said to the salesgirl hovering a few yards away, looking like she had been seriously contemplating her mortality in the last half an hour. Vetinari tended to have that effect on people.

  • Father Figure, a Bleach short story has one for Mayuri, who via a subtle Batman Gambit manages to obliterate Hueco Mundo. How? Jacking Yachiru up on super sugar and shooting her into Hueco Mundo with a giant cannon Not A Cannon.
  • Those Lacking Spines - I am very surprised it wasn't put here yet...
  • Psychotic Man Slayers, a fanfic of Knights of the Old Republic is about Carth managing to piss off all the women on the Ebon Hawk (except Juhani, who he pissed off in the previous story). The crowning moment is not when Dyran (Male Revan) sends Carth a despairing 'HELP ME' look. The crowning moment is not when Mission says, 'You're old and I hate you!' either. It's not even when Bastila is caught eating chocolate cake, and ends up slapping Carth and apologising for it. Oh, no. It's when Canderous, of all people, reveals that all the women on the ship have synchronised PMS. Carth's response is priceless.
  • Sex No Tensai, a silly Prince of Tennis fic about Momoshirou and Kaidoh competing to see who can lose his virginity first, has the following gems. (Really, the whole thing is hysterical, and if you can stomach slash, you should give it a read.)
    • (Kaidoh is acting strangely, due to the bet, and, when questioned, blurts out that he is doing poorly in math.) Inui: "Ah, that explains everything. I often behave erratically when I am experiencing the trauma of unsolvable equations."
    • (Last line of the fic) Momoshirou: "I hope Inui-senpai brews homemade lube and your ass falls off."
  • Chapter 15 of Claymade's The Dark Lords of Nerima (a Ranma ½/Sailor Moon crossover) contains a scene with Genma posing as Dr Tofu to confuse Ami/Sailor Mercury and conceal Ryouga, all the while being interrupted by people whom Ami will recognise and give the whole scheme away. It is such a crowning moment and so in-character for the Ranma manga that several people are speculating "Claymade" might be Rumiko Takahashi herself writing under a psuedonym.
    • In chapter 17: "The Fire listened. The Fire absorbed. And then--just as Rei had asked it--the Fire attempted to show an image that conveyed "the true goal" of the assembled Neriman group... It really did try its best."
    • The sheer extent to which Ranma's plan has gone wrong as of Chapter 18. It not only provokes the youma into attacking by the hundreds in broad daylight, but results in the Dark Kingdom and the Sailor Senshi teaming up against them. Oh, and Kodachi steals the Maguffin central to the plan.
  • Chapter 1 of Zentrodie's Neon Genesis Evangelion Body-Swap/Gender Bender comedy fic It Can't Get Worse is one CMOF after anonther. Standout moment is Asuka-in-Shinji's body waking up to her/his first morning erection:

"For roughly ten seconds Asuka's sleep deprived and overly stressed mind continued to fantasize about his guardian. His hand under no actual central control found a happy little friend that was standing by the curbside that morning. 'Oh hello there Little Asuka how are you today?' the hand asked. Little Asuka's reply way 'I'm a little lonely how about you and I dance for awhile?' To which the hand joyously said, 'I thought you'd never ask, lets dance to Misato's fucking hot?' Little Asuka let Mr. Hand lead with a parting, 'I think I can get to like that song.'"

"Rodney, get a hold of yourself," Sheppard said loudly, slapping him in the face.
"Oh no," Mckay replied, sounding like he was reading from a script. "The people of MK1-510 must have taken control of my brain and made me undress you. I had better go to the infirmary right away."
"I should escort him," the colonel said seriously.

    • Also, Satedan humping sickness.

Carson: I'm I'm SCOTTISH, you bastards. You didn't have to make me sound like a bloody leprechaun.

    • Sheppard wanting to shoot the communicator at the end.
      • This Troper frequently uses the phrase 'suspicious shade of blue' in real life because of this fic.

McKay: Okay, that's enough. 'Gay' does not rhyme with 'Wraith', Zelenka definitely never killed a bear, and you people are getting on my last damn nerve!

Flash Should I be boiling water? You're supposed to boil water - or is that for the flu? Uh... do we have paper towels?

  • The Mahou Sensei Negima fan-fic A Day Indoors has several of them:
    • Negi & Sayo's conversation in Chapter 4 (Negi: "How am I supposed to teach a class of teenage girls about sex?! ...While keeping my virtue, career, and sanity intact?!")
    • The end of Chapter 12 (Asuna: Negi's new pimp)
    • Negi's predicament in Chapter 17 (FUTURE BETTER-WITH-WORDS TROPER DESCRIBE HERE PLEASE)
    • Pretty much the entirety of Chapters 30 & 35.
      • And Chapter 29.
  • The series of porny Star FOX fanfics by Ringshadow on adultfanfiction.net is pretty funny by itself, but one exchange stands out.

"Huh. That's out of nowhere." Katt sounded surprised. "I'm sure I'll hear about it later. I'd ask you to slap him for me but I doubt that'd work out." She paused. "So, any coffee baristas pants you yet today?"
He shook his head. "You're not going to let me live that down are you?"
"Hell no, you won't tell me how good she was." Katt pouted.
"Why do you care? Are you going to surprise her with lesbian sex or something?"
Peppy lifted his eyebrows silently.
"How does that work? Surprise, confetti, om nom nom?" Katt asked thoughtfully.
Fox had been mid drink, but that was enough to put an image in his head, making him do a spit take. "Dammit, woman!"
"No, glitter would be more appropriate. Would this be the opposite of surprise buttsex you think? I mean, you'd know."
Fox at times regretted ever telling Katt what happened on Aquas, or at least admitting to her that he was bisexual. She found the fact amusing somehow, picking at him on occasion and trying to figure out what his tastes were. When he asked why she wasn't upset, she said that guys making out were hot, and she forgave the random coffeehouse blowjob because he still came home to her. "I don't know. Would a strap-on be involved?"
"What the hell ass." Peppy said, caught between confusion and laughter.
"Either way, I'll sell some damn coffee. Actually, that'd be a good name for a coffee shop wouldn't it? Coffee and Lesbians."
"Dammit, are you trying to send me to a business dinner with a boner?"
"I doubt Wolf needs the help with that."
"Right. You're lucky I like you."
"I own your ass, sweet cheeks. Om nom nom!" That said, she laughed and hung up.

    • The entire series can be found at this location. Note: series is mostly gay sex, with a few sex scenes for Fox and Katt. However, this is NOT a universe that includes Krystal. You have been warned.
  • A Hetalia fanfic called "Never Before." America and England, while fighting in WWII, also have a pun war with each other. The results are hilarious, to say the least.

HAVING A FINE TIME IN HILDESHEIM STOP
HAVE YET TO FIND A HILDE STOP
THERE MAY BE ONE IN WILDENHAUSEN STOP
I ALSO HAVE THAT TOO STOP
BUT BY THE TIME WE GET TO BREMEN FRANCE WILL BE IN BADEN-BADEN AND THAT'S NOT ALL BAD STOP
ARE YOUR EARS BLEEDING YET FROM THE PUNS STOP
IF NOT I'VE GOT A DIVISION OF THEM FULL STOP

  • The Modesty Blaise fanfic An Ever-Fixèd Mark. Stephen Collier signs up Modesty and Willie for a compatibility course for couples. Hilarity Ensues. ("Oh, Edmund!" Mavis exclaimed rapturously. "You're even compatible with my father!")
  • I would list the CMoFs in Shadow Crystal Mage's works, if it weren't for the simple fact that if the fic isn't serious, his fics tend to get at least one Moment per chapter, and it's at least 3 or 4 if the fic is cracky.
  • This excerpt from the Naruto fanfic Ask Me No Questions. (Yes, team 7 is Sasuke/Naruto/Hinata, and YES they fought a Shoggoth. (They're now in an alternate world now.)

The description of the shoggoth was particularly vivid, as well as their various experiences inside the beast. Sasuke used a minor genjutsu, with permission from the adults who knew it was harmless, to give a brief recap of it chasing them out of the swamp, which he still remembered in vivid clarity.
"Oh, my. I'm certainly glad we don't have those in our world," Sarutobi said grimly.
"Really?!" Naruto asked.
"No. I've fought some amazing things, including the Kyubi, but I've never seen or heard of anything like that," Kakashi confirmed, feeling a little proud of 'his' students.
They paused to consider that amazing revelation that even some of the fundamental stuff of their world was not the same in the new one.
Then, very seriously, Sasuke walked over and gave Kakashi a hug.
Kakashi was, needless to say, somewhat freaked out by this.
"Best. Alternate." Hinata began.
"World. EVER!" Naruto cheered. "Woohoo! No shoggoths! Goodbye nightmares, hello sweet dreams! Forget trying to fix things," he said, turning to the Hokage. "Can we stay? Please?"

"Hm, I think I'm gonna move my horse..." Nonette smirked confidently and picked up the piece.
"Firstly, it's STILL not your turn yet because I STILL haven't moved yet, and second, IT'S A KNIGHT." Lelouch hissed, his grip on the table tightening and his knuckles turning white.
"Can I move here?" Nonette would set it down halfway across the board, knocking Lelouch's queen off the board as she did.
"NO, because it's not your TURN AND because KNIGHTS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!"
"But I thought the horse can jump over guys."
"IT'S NOT A HORSE! IT'S A KNIGHT! AND IT CAN JUMP OVER ONLY TWO PIECES, NOT GUYS, PER MOVE!"
"Well, I did only jump over two guys." Nonette smiled and pointed to her pawn and Lelouch's pawn, not only on the other side of the board, but also two columns away. "My guy and your guy. Then I killed this guy. Now I'm next to your other guy. So, king me."
"YOU CAN'T MOVE THAT WAY, THOSE ARE PAWNS, THAT IS A QUEEN, THAT IS A KING, IT'S NOT YOUR TURN, AND THERE IS NO KING ME IN CHESS!"
"I don't know why you're raising your voice at me, it's just a game. Nellie was right, you're such a kid." Nonette blew some hair from her face and reached in for another piece.
"I refuse to play with you until you learn how chess works, Ms. Enneagram. Good day." Lelouch rose from the table, while Nonette raised both fists in the air and grinned.
"I win again! The crowd goes wild!" She then made haaaaaah noises into her hand for a bit as she watched the prince retreat to the safety of his room.

  • In Chapter 24 of Lelouch of Britannia, Kallen's assassination attempt on Lelouch, which is short in seriousness and high in awkwardness:

Kallen: "WHY ARE YOU NAKED?"
It was a difficult question, considering his life may well depend on the response.
Lelouch: "Usually, people undress for showers."

    • And because this is Lelouch (if Alternate Universe-still-a-Britannian-prince Lelouch) he acts like himself and completely misinterprets her behavior: he thinks she's a Stalker with a Crush. Though arguably the funniest and certainly the most awkward part is when his bodyguards barge in to rescue him, Kallen slips, and they find the two of them lying on top of each other, soaking wet, and respectively half-dressed and buck naked. And because he doesn't want to ruin her reputation (It's not her fault she was smitten with him), Lulu pretends it's exactly what it looks like and calmly gives orders for a cover-up... while still lying on the floor, naked and being crushed by Kallen's boobs.
    • The author's note on Chapter 17 also deserves a mention:

I've wanted to write that parade scene for some time now. More specifically, I wanted to write a scene in which girls passed out enmasse screaming Lelouch's name; seemed appropriate.

    • And the time when the excerpt at the beginning of the chapter was about a media manhunt for Lelouch. Apparently Alternate History and being renamed "Jim" has had very little effect of Jon Stewart's personality.

On Monday, the Enquirer offered £100,000 for "photo evidence of [Prince Lelouch's] current whereabouts." A rival publication, the Weekly Mail, responded with an offer of £200,000 for new footage of the prince "in a casual, unguarded setting." The latest entrant into the escalating tabloid war was the Pendragon Post, who offered £375,000 for pictures capturing the Prince with "non-familiar female companionship." In his opening segment on Tuesday night's The Daily Show, Jim Stewart predicted that by week's end someone will put up a million pounds for "images of the Prince directing amphibious operations at a nudist beach." The fake news program host called upon the Prince to "take one for the team" and undress for magazines. "Their women will defect and Europe will lose all its fighting strength; war's over. All hail Britannia."

    • "When using a human shield, grab a fat guy."
  • The Batman/Catwoman shipper arc "Cat Tales" is consistently funny. In the first book, "A Girl's Gotta Protect Her Reputation", Catwoman decides to set the record straight regarding various falsehoods and rumors circulating around her (in other words, a fix-fic for everything that's happened to her since the "Officer Down" arc), by telling her side of the story...in a stand-up routine. A passage from her stage show:

So I’ve got the trinkets. Brunhilda is still snoring away. Cujo, the killer schnauzer, is still locked in the bathroom. I close the safe, restore the power, slide the window back exactly the way it was – 8 minutes flat. Personal best for a private residence where I didn’t have the floorplan going in. I drop down to the alley – and there… he… is…The Batman. Caped Crusader. Dark Knight. Guardian of Gotham. Crime Fighter extraordinaire. I am Vengeance, I am Justice, I am in desperate need of a personality transplant… Batman.
In full regalia – looking like Sir Lancelot dipped in tar but not yet feathered.
And he speaks: “I don’t think those jewels belong to you.”
(Beat)
I salute you, World’s Greatest Detective.

    • And later, after Bruce sits through her performance and is forced to consider some hard home truths, he talks to Dick Grayson:

“Am I a self-absorbed, self-righteous, inflexible prig?”
Dick suddenly felt like he was playing a LucasArts Adventure Game. He imagined four possible responses to Bruce’s question appearing under his chin:
That’s how I addressed your Fathers’ Day card.
Is that prig with an “R” Yes.
Why are you having new stationery made up?
YES YES YES! IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND TRUE, YOU ARE THE KING AND LORD OF THE LAND OF SELF-RIGHTEOUS PRIGS!
And no matter which response the player chose, the character would say: “Why no, not at all. Why do you ask?”

LP: COMMUNISM IS A LIE!
Drunk: No, no, no!... Th' cake ish a lie!
LP: ...THE CAKE IS A COMMUNIST?

“Who’s hittin’ who with a rock?” Charlie asked, walking up behind them.
“Me,” Hurley said, still searching the ground. “I’m hittin’ Jack with a rock.”
“What? Why do you get to hit him with a rock? And why was I left out of this ‘we’re gonna hit Jack with a rock’ discussion?
Jack What the hell is going on?!
Hurley: Just... talkin’ about rocks. Nice one, huh? All, um, black and... uh, rock... ish?
Jack: We don’t have time to hang around talking about rocks! And who would be sitting around talking about rocks, anyway?
"Geologists?" Sawyer offered, with an angelic smile and a voice full of innocence, and Sayid suddenly had another fit of coughing.
Hurley: Dudes, seriously, he’s [Jack] really startin’ to piss me off. ‘Hurley, the manifest! Hurley, I’m a doctor, not a... manifest guy! Hurley, medications, we... need... more... medications!”
Charlie You know, Hurley, your impression of Jack sounds a lot more like Captain Kirk than it does Jack.
Hurley: Sorry, dude, Kirk is the only impression I can do: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! But, I guess in Jack’s case it’d be more like ‘LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKE!’”
Jack: Locke? What about Locke? Why in the hell are you screaming ‘Locke,’ did something happen, what happened, where’s Locke?”
Hurley: Oh. Uh. No, no Locke. I was screaming ‘ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!’
Jack: What?
Hurley: Oh, just a thing I do. Nature worship. Wicca stuff, you didn’t know I’m Wiccan?

    • Hurley: (about/to Sayid) You’re too... um, elegant. And foreign. Elegant foreign guys with accents who don’t even drop their Gs and rarely use contractions shouldn’t say things like ‘redneck hick asshole guy,’ it just sounds weird.
      • Sawyer: What? He gets ‘elegant’ and I get ‘old?’
  • NGE: Your Happy Years has the most epic Sachiel battle ever. Here is a quick summary of the highlights:

The speakers of the massive war machine transmit a profanity laden scream for all in the above ground Tokyo-3 region to hear.
Shinji: "-and stomp you until you can be FUCKING MAILED! Are you INSANE?"
Climbing onto its hands and knees, 200' and 15,000 tons of metal, sinew, and pure raw power crawl behind a block of apartment buildings, flattening its back against them. Shinji: "Did he see me?"
And Shogoki grabs Sachiel by the shoulder and brings its knee up between the Angels legs.
Shinji: "What kind of giant robot doesn't have GUNS?"
Shinji: "AAAAAAHHHH! IT'S GOT MY CORD!"

  • In Deus ex Evangelion, Shinji got swallowed by the Eva during his first battle, and Asuka needs to be flown in to be his replacement. Later on, Toji's revealed as the Fourth Child about ten episodes early. After the Gaghiel fight, he asks Asuka out on a date. Right in front of the "Eva". Cue a silent If You Ever Do Anything to Hurt Her... moment between the two.
  • Chapter 17 of Day In The Life has Nanoha and Fate giving birth. Besides being chock-a-block full of warm fuzzies, one moment has the inevitable result of a young woman who has magical Super Strength suffering through labor pains:

Nurse: "She's going through a rough time right now, but she'll forget it when her boys are born." She glanced back, amused. "Come on, Scrya-san, there isn't much you can do unless you want her to break your fingers."
Yuuno: "I'm a little worried about your bed, if Nanoha squeezes the rails any harder she'll break them."
From the other side of the curtain, there was a groaning sound, followed by a snapping sound and a whimper.
Yuuno: "...Aaand there goes the bed rail." he muttered, sighing softly.

"OMFG" James cried, flopping in the monster's strong arms like a fish. A fish that was about to be raped.

  • The Lyrical Nanoha/Ranma ½ crossover Nanoha 1/2 gives a threefold Crowning Moment to Ranma near the end of the Nanoha Classic arc, when Precia claims the last of the Jewel Seeds and starts on her Motive Rant/Hannibal Lecture to Fate and the TSAB. Moments after she starts talking, Genma notices that Ranma has disappeared from the Asura's bridge just as Lindy's troops move in to aprehend Precia. Precia, naturally, nukes the Red Shirts and keeps ranting, only for Ranma to make his reappearance. The AWESOME is how he slipped off the bridge, through the teleporter, and into the Garden of Time, dodged an area of effect spell potent enough to put down several squads of TSAB Space Marines and then escaped Precia's notice as long as he did. The FUNNY was stealing the Jewel Seeds literally out from under Precia's nose ("Yoink!") and then running away with them, Miyazaki Nodoka-style. The HEARTWARMING was how this affected Fate, who snaps out of the Heroic BSOD she'd been going into and manages to crack a smile despite everything she'd been put through in the last two minutes.
  • Schneizel defeats Lelouch by sponsoring a pizza chain.

Dear Zero, we regret to inform you that Pizza Hut is no longer able to support the rebellion. Yours truly, Pizza Hut.

Also, Bismarck's cocoa puffs and strawberry milk.
  • After spending most of the zombie apocalypse fanfic Polarity hinting about how much he fantasizes about Ms. Marvel, the Shocker gets saved from being dropped from a mile in the sky by Ms. Marvel and MACH-IV. As MACH-IV zooms off after the Vulture...

"Hold on, Herman," Ms. Marvel said, grabbing me with her other hand and helping me onto her back as we hovered what-felt-like-miles above Manhattan. "Grab onto my shoulders and let’s head down."
"Roger."
After a few seconds...
"Herman, those aren't my shoulders."
"Oh, right."
A few more seconds.
"You can let go of them now."
"Sorry."

Aqua': Seven men! Seven men!

"Agh? Zero Gravity?"
"Aqua, what the hell!"
"Sorry! That played out much better in my head!"

"You know, I almost don't feel like it anymore. I feel dirty now," he complained. "We were having ourselves a good old-fashioned shootout and then you had to ruin it by being all precocious. It's things like this that make merciless pseudo-genocidal war between adults and children awkward, you know!"

  • Binary, a Kingdom Hearts detective AU, has a few of them. To name a few examples:
    • Roxas being nicknamed "the cleaning fairy"
    • "I don't know any Roxas other than the one, so I have to remember him from somewhere. I know a lot of Cids, tho-"
  • This Crash Bandicoot story practically opens with a CMOF, where in order to capture the Bandicoots, Cortex wears a Paper-Thin Disguise in the form of a fake mustache (along with all his minions who're also only wearing Fake Mustaches to cover up who they are) that the 'smarter' characters buy, while only Crash can see through, yet every time he tries to explain to the others they don't believe him. When they're captured, Aku-Aku begins to notice all of Cortex's flaws who just covers it up with a simple 'Science did it'.
  • Copycat, a Buffy/Marvel crossover, has a scene where Reed Richards acknowledges an area where Doctor Doom is his superior- aesthetics and fashion- as part of a Batman Gambit to avoid the classic unwinnable husband situation. Cue Doom giving fashion advice to Susan and Alicia.

"Foolish peasant," Doom roared, "it is obvious that the dear Alicia is a fall not a winter!"

  • A very popular Pokémon one, Damaged, focuses on Mewtwo from the anime and watches him as he leads his own (often painful, often funny, often heartwarming) life. At one point, Mewtwo gets challenged by a certain girl, and thinks four words to himself, most likely in a way that many people can sympathize with.

Mew2 held a hand out to the woman. "Come here for a battle?"
"Yes." She smiled. "My name is Kristy." She shook his hand.
"You look familar." Mew2 looked at her out of the corner of his eye.
She giggled a bit. "My father and mother are Ash and Misty Ketchum."
They spawned.

  • Another one done by the same author, this time for Metroid, Angseth, includes a character who had little to no personality in the game he premiered in, Kanden; the author took matters into her own hands when portraying him. What ended up happening was that almost all of his lines (and a great number of his actions) became Crowning Moments of Funny. For instance, he repeats (in one of his plentiful inner monologues) the phrase, "I am Kanden-man," three times to the rhythm of the riff for "Iron Man", syllable-for-note. And he does this almost completely randomly.
  • An unintentional case is Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament, which features possibly the most boring and yet hilarious sex-scene-turned-Overly Long Gag ever:

Stella turned on the water. She felt it with her left hand to determine the temperature. When it was warm, she turned on the shower. Water splashed on all three women, getting them wet. Stella hugged Reccoa. Reccoa stared back at Stella. Stella kissed Reccoa on the lips. Reccoa hugged Stella. Stella pressed her tongue against Reccoa's lips. Reccoa parted her lips and allowed Stella's tongue into her mouth. The two women french-kissed. Reccoa felt warm - both because of the water and because of Stella's kiss. Une stood behind Reccoa, pressing against her, and placed her hands on Stella's ass. Stella placed her hands on Une's ass. Une licked up the right side of Reccoa's neck repeatedly. Stella finished the kiss. "Let's turn around." Stella took her hands off of Une's ass. Une took her hands off of Stella's ass. Stella and Reccoa turned 180 degrees.

  • The Grand Tour Series, a Nanoha-centered megacrossover, has a one-shot where the Top Gear crew does a special episode on Mid-Childa after Earth makes formal public contact. A special including Magical Girl Stig-Chan.
  • The fanfic Mobile Fighter Evangelion has lots of funny moments, like Pen-Pen and one of Ritsuko's cats piloting Gundams, Ritsuko as a Mad Scientist and Gendo "taking revenge" on SEELE at the third chapter.
  • The Brain Bots' digitally transmitted "conversations" in the still-in-progress Megamind epic Dissimulate are all incredibly entertaining in their own right, but special mention goes to the exchange in chapter 5, including Biter's "Anti-Hysteria Routine" to another panicking Bot.
  • The Total Drama World Tour rewrite Candy for Your Thoughts we have a rewrite of the Niagara Falls' challenge where Owen is Noah's bride.
    • Other great moments:
      • Chef suddenly ditching his clothes in Africa (and the Reaction Shots).

Chris: Shield your eyes, children!

I'LL SHOW YOU BACKBONE!

  • In the Fate/stay night fic Chaos Theory, Archer wants to remove Rin from a very dangerous battle she refuses to leave. Archer explains his plan B

"I'm going to pick you up bodily, drag you to the steps, and throw you outside the mountain's boundary field." Archer said.
"… what?" Rin asked, not quite sure she'd heard right.
"Throw you. Kind of like a javelin, only it's you."
"… … …" Rin said.
"Don't worry. I'm good with projectile weapons. You won't die. I'll make sure you land in a bush or something." Archer said.
"… … …"
"You'll just get hurt. Between the draining effect of this sorcery and the wounds I'll be inflicting, you won't be able to get back to the fight, most likely. You'll be stuck safely outside the boundary field, while I deal with all of this madness." Archer said. "Magi heal fast, you'll be fine."
"Archer…" Rin said slowly. "Don't you dare."
Thirty-five seconds later, as Rin screamed, tears in her eyes, flying awfully fast towards a bush that didn't look at all soft enough for her tastes, she wondered why she'd ever thought this stupid war was something to look forward to.

"IT DID IT! IT FINALLY DID IT! THIS FIC HAS BUTCHERED ANIME AND HISTORY IN ONE FELL STROKE! CURSE THIS FIC!"

"Ha!" Fanny grinned. "Whaddaya say to that, BOY?"
Wally stared. "It's… pink."
"What?"
"It's… pink!"
"Yeah, so?"
"It's PINK! What kinda cruddy mech is colored Pink? And it looks like a stoopid Monkey!"
"Shaddup!" Fanny screamed. "It's the Super Saiyan Sailor Monkey Mech!"
"It's pink!"
"That DOES it!" Fanny turned to Sally. "Get him!"

"That's right ... Peter Parker took photos. Of himself. And sold them to this man who never, ever wondered why this one guy could get nearly all the photos of Spider-Man ... all the time."

    • In "Alternative Strategy", when The Avengers and the Fantastic Four are informed by the President of the imminent passage of the SHRA, they immediately announce their retirement and begin loudly announcing plans for the future, which involve Reed creating a synthetic gasoline that would put American oil companies out of business. A suddenly terrified President immediately announces he would veto the SHRA sight unseen.

Reed: I was waiting for Johnny to get off the phone … talking to some girl … and I devised a method for creating artificial gasoline.
VP: You invented a new form of gas?
Reed: I never liked Sudoku.

  • In the Invader Zim fanfic, Human and Irken UNITE!, Zim recruits Gaz to his plans. In chapter seven, Gaz deceived Zim to make him go to Bearpursuit Mall, saying that there are lots of Earth's military secrets there and he is not familiar with the things there.

Zim: WHO IS VICTORIA AND WHAT IS HER SECRET?
'Gaz: Zim, her secret is nothing that would interest you.
Zim: Oh? And how do YOU know what secrets I want to know? How do you know her secret won't help us with our plans for world dominations?
Gaz: I doubt fluffy, pink bras will help us conquer the world.
Zim: Maybe in YOUR hands they won't, but I've had much more experience when it comes to tools of world domination! Watch me Little Gaz, as I conquer this 'bra' and use it to KILL ALL HUMANS! Bye-bye!

[A]nd life would continue on in its normal fashion where everyone thought Loki was an evil bastard that couldn't quite get it right and he thought everyone else was fucking hilarious.

"You don't want my soul, it probably tastes like vodka! Mmm… vodka."

Pinkie: Oh no. That's bad. How do we express disappointment? I know, a party! No! Bad Pinkie Pie! Parties are only for good things. This is a Bad Thing. How do ponies express bad things? I know! Cursing!
Rarity: Darling, wha-?
Pinkie: FUCK A MAILBOX. SHIT DAMN. ASS.
Rarity: Pinkie Pie, dear, don't be vulgar! ...Especially when you're so bad at it...

  • An Axis Powers Hetalia Kink Meme fill featuring Canada leaving passive-aggressive notes: "Thank you all for talking over me through the last meeting. I hope it made you all feel better about your tiny landmasses."
    • Another, when America and Canada attempt to film Twincest porn: "Why would a pizza delivery guy deliver pizza to his brother's bedroom?"
  • This little gem from the Bleach fanfic Not Quite As Planned:
    • Ichigo: "I'm not even going to turn around. Rukia? Who snuck up on us this time?"
    • Rukia: "…Captain Aizen…"
    • Ichigo: "Of course it is… Any chance of him going away if we pretend we didn't notice him?"
    • Aizen: "I'm afraid not."
    • Ichigo: "Didn't think so.
  • Space Pirate Confederation is loaded with these, such as Kraid's stupidity and the mundanity of Samus and Ridley's rivalry, but one exchange that stands out is between two random Space Pirates as Dark Samus arrives to raid their Agon base.

A space pirate squad walked in on Dark Samus absorbing the Phazon. "Sir," he said into his radio, "Samus Aran is here."
"That's not Aran," a second pirate said to the first.
"What do you mean, of course it is! There's the suit, and big shoulders, and a gun!"
"We have suits, big shoulders, and a gun, that isn't very descriptive. Also, it's black, floating, and absorbing our Phazon. Aran is orange, grounded, and not absorbing our Phazon."
"You're demoted."
"I'm your superior."
"You were just demoted, so not anymore."

A soft knock on the door interrupted the content atmosphere they had suddenly found themselves in.
"Um," Madoka's subdued voice hesitantly spoke. "If you two aren't doing anything naughty, the food is ready."
While Sayaka's jaw dropped at the insinuation, Kyoko heard the words 'food' and immediately stood up in the tub.
"FOOD!" she exclaimed, jumping from the tub. "Whoa, head rush!" She slipped and slid on the tile floor briefly as she tried to reach the door, dripping water everywhere.
"Hey, you're getting water all over the floor!" Sayaka shouted, grabbing a towel for herself and wrapping it around her waist.
Meanwhile, Kyoko reached the door! And opened it! And charged for the kitchen in all her naked glory! "FOOOOD!"
"AH! Kyoko-chan, you're naked!" Madoka observed, sounding a bit traumatized.
"So? I'm starving! What's this?"
"Kyoko-chan, be careful! The stove is still hot!"
"YOOOW!"
"Oh my God, Kyoko-chan is on fire! What should I do?"
Sayaka sighed very deeply through her nose, trying to calm her raging stress. "This is okay." she said to herself. "I'm okay with this. I brought it on myself, after all."
"Oh no! I tried to put Kyoko-chan out with the table cloth, but now the table cloth is on fire!"
"DON'T JUST SCREAM ABOUT IT, HELP ME DAMN IT!"
"D-don't yell at me, I-I can't handle pressure!"
"STOP BEING USELESS!"
"BAAAAAAWWW~"
"I'M STILL ON FIRE!"
Sayaka listened to all this with a reluctant look on her face. "The apartment is going to burn down, isn't it?"

I am:
-single
-it's complicated
-enjoying marriage privileges others do not have
-still in that disgusting touchy-feely phase
-sex, please, we're Arrows

[Bart Allen, alias Impulse, alias Kid Flash, alias The Flash, alias Bart Allen. Size 6 dress.]
[Kon-El, alias Superboy, alias Conner Kent. Six out of every ten rural teenage boys have relations with farm animals over the course of their adolescence.]
[Supergirl: has no pants]

"Steve pauses, taking in the picture before him: Tony in a ratty t-shirt and sweats, flour streaked from his waist to his hair, an abandoned spatula in a bowl filled with goopy substance, the canister of syrup sitting to the side.

“I didn’t know you cooked,” he says. Tony isn’t sure whether to be gratified or offended. He goes with gratified, because that’s just better all around.

“Yes!” he says. “I can cook. I’m a great cook. Of pancakes. Do you want some pancakes?”

Jesus. If he’s going to turn into a babbling mess every time Steve talks to him, he should just quit now. Or perhaps invest in some index cards.

...Then again, having to whip out index cards every time he talks to Steve would be kind of terrible. Also, what if he drew one that was unrelated to the conversation?

(He can imagine it now: “Hello, Tony.”

“Hey, Cap.”

“How’s the weather today?”

“Uh -- something something Dodgers? What? Useless piece of paper--oh, um, sunny?”)

Yeah, no.

“That’d be wonderful, Tony, thank you.”

For a second Tony is confused, because, him being terrible at conversations about the Dodgers? What? But then he realizes: pancakes. Right.

“You're welcome,” Tony says, and vows to make the best damn pancakes Steve has ever seen. He’s a genius, he can do this."

    • Also this part; there's just something so hilarious about the image:

“You should have some vegetables with that,” Steve says finally.

“There are no vegetables,” Tony points out until Steve somehow manages to produce a cucumber. “Okay, right, yes, give it here.”

  • The Axis Powers Hetalia fanfiction Chasing an Empty Dream manages to be hilarious, even with the romantic and Tear Jerker elements to it. One such moment is in Chapter 15, when Germany has discovered that he used to be the Holy Roman Empire and Prussia wants him to tell Italy the news.

Germany stiffened when he heard a familiar "Ciao!" on the other line. "Hey there, Italy! You'll never guess what—!"
Germany swiped the phone out of Prussia's hands. "Wrong number," he hissed into the receiver and hung up.
Prussia blinked. "I called him by his name. You really gonna think he'll believe that?"
(In Italy)
"Hey fratello, who was that?"
"Wrong number!"
(Back in the plot…)

    • The next chapter is cracky from beginning to end, as Germany tries to go on a date with Italy. Romano finds out and spies on them in a Paper-Thin Disguise of a mustache as their waiter, which Italy completely fails to notice ("Ve~ you know, if you shaved that mustache, you'd look just like my brother…"). Hilarity Ensues as Spain bursts in with an ax, England bursts in with his eyebrows dyed pink, France bursts in to carry off England, and Canada has to get rid of an overly-excited America. There's also this exchange, as Germany and Italy have a bowl of pasta together:

Germany swallowed, feeling his face getting red."Err, I don't mind…sharing…" he mumbled.
(Outside: "You communist!" America shouted.)


  • 100 things commander sheaperd crew'll mutiny over contains a lot of these while keeping the crew (at least mostly) in character.

"5. Tali and her engineering minions WILL NOT make the Normandy into a giant transforming robot. No matter how many times you ask. Or how many crayon drawing you have Grunt make of it."
"7. You are no longer allowed to throw soap bars into Jack's mouth. Gabby and Ken are tired of repairing the bulkheads."
"24. Doctor Chakwas orders that you are to stop headbutting people. God gave you guns and fists for a reason.
"63. You are not allowed to enter pics of Tali'zorah's posterier to Bootylicious Quarians Monthly.
"69. No longer allowed to hit Garrus upside the head for his new catch phrase of "what the dealio." Unless he does it more than three times in one day. Then his ass is yours.
"longer allowed to go on the TV Tropes extranet site unsupervised. Last time you went on there, it took seven hours to get you off.
"89. Quit hogging the heavy weapons and start sharing.
"90. Stop trying to get Grunt 'hooked on phonics.'"
"91. Quit making fun of Jacobs pick up lines. It's cruel to torture the crippled.
"95. The collector weapons and armor are useless, ugly, and icky. Toss 'em.
"97. Not allowed to make fun of Tali's pet names for drones, Commander Plays-With-Toy-Ships."

“Silence!” shouted Germany over all the voices and started pointing at nations one at a time. “Denmark! Get Sweden to his own chair! Finland, stop recording already! Hungary! You too! Prussia! Stop laughing! Japan, stop taking notes of this! Egypt, would you stop looking like nothing has happened? And Greece! What the fuck is going on!?”

Greece stared to the window past Germany where Eros was doing a victory dance to himself. “How should I know?”

  1. ↑ The gaps are burn holes. Balrogs aren't very good at writing on paper.
  2. ↑ (Navi)
  3. ↑ the few people around that actually understand Japanese start applauding, much to his confusion
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