CYRANO: Ah no! young blade! That was a trifle short!
You might have said at least a hundred things
By varying the tone ... like this, suppose, ...
Aggressive: "Sir, if I had such a nose
I'd amputate it!" Friendly: When you sup
It must annoy you, dipping in your cup;
You need a drinking-bowl of special shape!"
Descriptive: " 'Tis a rock! ... a peak! ... a cape!
--A cape, forsooth! 'Tis a peninsular! "
Curious: "How serves that oblong capsular?
For scissor-sheath? Or pot to hold your ink?"
Gracious: "You love the little birds, I think?
I see you've managed with a fond research
To find their tiny claws a roomy perch!"
Truculent: "When you smoke your pipe ... suppose
That the tobacco-smoke spouts from your nose--
Do not the neighbors, as the fumes rise higher,
Cry terror-struck: "The chimney is afire"?"
Considerate: "Take care, ... your head bowed low
By such a weight ... lest head o'er heels you go!"
Tender: "Pray get a small umbrella made,
Lest its bright color in the sun should fade!"
Pedantic: "That beast Aristophanes
Names Anticonceptionnelles
Must have possessed just such a solid lump
Of flesh and bone, beneath his forehead's bump!"
Cavalier: "The last fashion, friend, that hook?
To hang your hat on? 'Tis a useful crook!"
Emphatic: "No wind, O majestic nose,
Can give THEE cold!--save when the mistral blows!"
Dramatic: "When it bleeds, what a Red Sea!"
Admiring: "Sign for a perfumery!"
Lyric: "Is this a conch? ... a Triton you?"
Simple: "When is the monument on view?"
Rustic: "That thing a nose? Marry-come-up!
'Tis a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize turnip!"
Military: "Point against cavalry!"
Practical: "Put it in a lottery!
Assuredly 'twould be the biggest prize!"
Or ... parodying Pyramus' sighs ...
"Behold the nose that mars the harmony
Of its master's phiz! blushing its treachery!"
--Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,
Had you of wit or letters the least jot:
But, O most lamentable man!--of wit
You never had an atom, and of letters
You have three letters only!--they spell Ass!
And--had you had the necessary wit,
To serve me all the pleasantries I quote
Before this noble audience ... e'en so,
You would not have been let to utter one--
Nay, not the half or quarter of such jest!
I take them from myself all in good part,
All right, twenty something betters. I start with the obvious:
Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
Meteorological: Everybody take cover, she will blow!
Fashionable: You could de-emphasise your nose if you wore something larger... like Wyoming.
Personal: Well, here we are... Just the three of us.
Punctual: Okay, your nose was on time, but you were 10 minutes late.
Envious: Oh, I wish I were you... to be able to smell your own ear!
Naughty: Some of the ladies have asked if you would put that thing away.
Philosophical: It is not the size of a nose that is important... it is what is in it that matters.
Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you... sneeze and it is goodbye,Seattle.
Commercial: Hi, I am Earl Scheib and I can paint that nose for $100!
Polite: Would you mind not bobbing your head? The orchestra keeps changing the tempo.
Melodic: Everybody. He has got the whole world in his nose.
Sympathetic: What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
Complimentary: You must love the birdies... to give them this to perch on.
Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
Obscure: Whoa, I would hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it.
Inquiry: When you stop and smell the flowers... are they afraid?
French: The pigs have refused to find any more truffles... until you leave.
Pornographic: Finally a man who can satisfy two women at once. How many is that?
- Fourteen, Chief.
All right, religious:The Lord giveth ...and He just kept on giving, did he not? Fifteen.
Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Sixteen.
Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! Seventeen.
Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee...in Brazil. Eighteen.
Appreciative: Oh, how original.Most people just have their teeth capped.Nineteen.
All right... [...] Dirty: Your name would not be Dick, would it?
