Emma calls a meeting of the Celibacy Club to order. There are now only two members: Quinn and Rachel. Quinn rejoined to focus on herself, and Rachel rejoined to focus on her song-writing, since New Directions is doing original songs for Regionals. Emma produces some rather unsubtle jewelry that she's thinking that they could distribute to the school as a celibacy message. Rachel tries to ask Emma some questions, but Emma goes on a raving rant about waiting until later. Wow, you'd think that maybe Glee doesn't like celibacy or something.
In the staff-room, Emma tells Will that she's upset about the chastity charms- they did catch on, but students were wearing them as clip-on nipple rings. Will gives her a little talk about how since he's seen what teenage pregnancy can do to a girl, he thinks preaching abstinence is good, and he's happy to help her spread the word. Enter Holly Holliday, who's subbing for the Health and Wellness teacher, who apparently got herpes. Damn. Emma asks Holly why she doesn't think that celibacy is a valid choice for teenagers. Holly says that she thinks that it is, but it's like saying that lions have a choice to be vegetarians. Holly says that they need to shake up McKinley because so many of the kids know fuck all about sex, pardon the pun.
Flashback to that morning's sex ed lesson. Holly tells the kids about the uses of a condom before holding up a cucumber to teach them how to use one. Finn asks if cucumbers can give you AIDS (oh, for God's sake) and Mercedes gets freaked out because she had one on her salad. Back to the staff-room. Holly says that they need to educate the kids. Emma protests, saying that it will steal their innocence. Innocence? On Glee? Excuse me while I laugh hysterically. Ahem. Anyway, Holly pretty much points out that it's unlikely that the kids have any innocence, and Emma goes on another batshit rant.
In the hallway, Santana propositions Brittany, who would be only too happy to have sex with her, but she's not feeling very sexy, because she thinks she's pregnant. Oh God, wasn't one dumb blonde teenage pregnant cheerleader enough? Brittany asks her not to tell anyone. Santana immediately tells Tina, who screams 'Brittany's pregnant!' loud enough to be heard by Puck, who tells Lauren, who tells Artie. In the music room, everyone's trying to console poor Artie. Brittany apologises for keeping Artie in the dark and finally explains that a stork built its nest on her garage, so it's obviously getting ready to bring Brittany her baby. *thud* *thud* *thud*
Back in the staff-room, Will tells Holly that's why he thinks the kids need to be educated about sex. Holly gets him to let her lead a Glee rehearsal so she can slip in a lesson on sex in the process. In the music room, Holly begins her lesson by asking the club about their misconceptions on sex, tells them that they're going to learn the truth about sex whether they like it or not, and performs 'Do You Wanna Touch Me'.
At a coffee shop, Sue ambushes Kurt and Blaine, telling them that New Directions is going to do a sexy number at Regionals, and suggests an alliance between Dalton and Aural Intensity. They say no.
In the staff-room, Emma confronts Will over the Glee club's supposedly inappropriate lesson from Holly, but Will derails her by offering to let the Celibacy Club perform. Emma agrees.
Lauren tells Puck that she's decided to make a sex tape with him. Puck is only too happy to agree.
Elsewhere, Blaine has decided to be sexy, so Dalton performs 'Animal' in front of their sister school. Kurt attempts to be sexy and just looks like a fuckwit. Blaine asks if Kurt's OK, since he was making weird faces. Kurt says he was trying to be sexy and laments over how bad he is at being sexy. Blaine says they'll work something out.
Santana's room, post-Brittana sex. They have a talk in which Santana reminds Brittany that they're not cheating because the plumbing's different, and Brittany says that she's not sure how she feels about them as a couple. Brittany wants to talk to an adult about their relationship.
In the library, Puck and Lauren watch Kim Kardashian's sex tape. Yes, they're watching porn in a school library. Holly approaches and asks them what they're doing. After hearing the story, she tells them that while she's impressed with their ambition, if they actually make the tape, they'll be guilty of making and producing child porn. As she turns to go, she runs into Santana and Brittany, who ask her for help.
In the music room, Holly asks Santana and Brittany if they think they're lesbians. Brittany doesn't know, and Santana swears she's bisexual. Basically, because Holly gets that they're finding it hard to define their emotions for each other, she suggests that they sing a song. Santana says she knows the perfect song but she needs Holly's help, and Holly agrees.
In Kurt's house, Kurt's trying to be sexy. It isn't working. Basically, he's terrified of his sexuality, and though he's tried to watch porn, it didn't work either. Blaine suggests that they talk it through and Kurt kicks him out.
In the music room, Holly and Will perform a tango to 'Kiss' which turns into a fantasy sequence in the auditorium, which turns into the two of them making out in the music room, in front of the club. Good way to get yourself fired, that.
At Burt's auto shop, Blaine asks Burt to give Kurt The Talk, and Burt agrees.
In the music room, Holly, Brittany and Santana perform 'Landslide'. Santana admits to Brittany that yes, it's how she really feels. Rachel applauds them for exploring the world of lesbian love, and Santana snaps back that one song does not give Rachel the right to put labels on her.
The Celibacy Club reconvenes to discover a new member, Puck. Yes, you read me correctly. Quinn and Rachel have a 'WTF?!' moment, and Emma reminds the group that they're performing at Glee. Puck says that he's happy to perform as long as they get another male member. No, there was not a Double Entendre in that last sentence. Emma's got it covered.
In the auditorium, the Celibacy Club and Emma's husband Carl perform 'Afternoon Delight'. Again, yes, you read me correctly. Afterwards, Holly asks why Emma thought it was a good song to sing. Emma clearly doesn't have a clue what it's really about, leading Carl to beg Holly for help.
At Kurt's house, Burt basically drags him in, kicking and screaming, so they can have the Talk. After giving Kurt some pamphlets to explain the technical matters, Burt tells him, in essence, that people become very different when they have sex, and Kurt shouldn't throw himself around or give himself away like he doesn't matter, because he matters.
Holly gives Carl and Emma a counseling session and sums it up by asking Emma if she's still in love with Will. Emma doesn't say anything, and everyone takes it as a yes. Carl tells Emma that she's got the house to herself because he's going to sleep in a hotel until she's sorted things out. Emma begs Holly to not tell Will, and Holly agrees.
In the hallway, Santana confesses to Brittany that she's a bitch because she's angry, and she's angry because she's in love with Brittany, but she's too scared to be with Brittany because of what happened to Kurt. She breaks down and admits that she loves Brittany, not any of the boys, and she just wants Brittany. But Brittany loves Artie, and she's not going to leave him because it would be wrong. Santana gets very, very upset.
Lauren gets mad at Puck for joining the Celibacy Club, but he explains that he's trying to take responsibility for his actions, and she agrees to join too.
The Celibacy Club has expanded to everyone in New Directions minus Finn, Mercedes, Mike and Tina. Quinn has a flashback to one of the many times she's been screwing Finn. Not surprised in the least, honestly.
In the auditorium, Will's teaching the club some new dance moves when Holly walks in and tells Will that she's leaving to go sub at another school, because her cucumber lesson did not receive much good feedback, to say the least. She asks him to be with her, he agrees, and the episode ends.
- "Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)" by Gary Glitter, performed by Holly Holliday
- "Animal" by Neon Trees, performed by Kurt, Blaine and the Warblers
- "Kiss" by the artist who used to be and probably still is known as Prince, performed by Will and Holly
- "Afternoon Delight" by the Starland Vocal Band, performed by Puck, Carl, Emma, Quinn and Rachel
- "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac, performed by Holly, Santana and Brittany