Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?/Quotes

"I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo heterosexual!"

—Tom Servo, mocking Watney Smith in Outlaw Of Gor

Jay: Yo, man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay: Fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. (Silent Bob gives Jay a surprised look)

Jay: ... Dude, not all the time!

—Dogma

My name is Olaf Peterson. I am very good in bed.

—Red Dwarf

"Yes, there's nothing like a good-smelling man," said John dreamily. Suddenly we were all very uncomfortable and there was a lot of throat-clearing and coughing and we all walked a few paces farther apart. (I haven't told you about John yet, have I?) Then John started to make a great and pathetic show of noticing the women as they passed. "Why, that little heifer would give a man some strong sons," John said in a booming and falsely masculine voice. "A man could surely plant some seed there, he could."

—Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

I AM STRAIGHT, DAMN IT!!!! I WILL NOT BE VEERED IN ANY OTHER DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE DIRECTION!!!!

—Christian Weston Chandler

I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT STRAIGHT!

—Marik, Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series

"I'M A SMOOOOOOOOOOTH PIMP WHO LOOOOOOOOOVES THA PUSSY!"

—Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Roku: Here I am, practicing fighting with Sozin!
Aang: Wow! You guys were friends?
Roku: Yes. Friends. Totally friends. In conclusion: friends. I liked a girl! See?
(Later)
Sozin: Right now, we have it all right here in the Fire Nation. We have lots of money, success, and privileges, and you now have a hot wife.
Roku: Once again proving that I am straight.

Sozin: Our undeniable heterosexuality aside...

—Avatar: The Last Airbender Condensed Episode 47

I like girls.

—Tyler, Total Drama Island

"On the whole, though, it's just not as good as tonguing another man's balls... I mean, as it used to be... I'm not gay!"

—Yahtzee, Zero Punctuation review of Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock

The Cat: Wilson-- cover my back.

Deadpool: You're letting me cover your back? Oh, this is so totally cool! Weasel's gonna fart-- oh wait, forgot I'm not friends with him anymore... Okay, I'll make friends with him again just to tell him, but then I'll break up with him again. Not break up like we're going out or anything! I'm all man, I tellya! C'mere-- you snake chicks and all twenty of you Rives and Makeshifts and I'll show all of you!

—Cable & Deadpool

- Straight married men have gay sex all the time!

—Ménage à 3

Santana: All I know is, you blew me off. To be with Stubbles Mc-cripplepants. Fine. Your loss. Cause now, I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam that we're gonna sing at Regionals.
Brittany: Wait, you're still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.

Santana: I honestly don't know what I was thinking...could you stop staring at me, I can't remember my locker combo.

—Glee, "Original Song"

"I'm straight. I'm straight!"

—'Christian Weston Chandler

"I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, but you can't because she is in Canada."

—Rod, Avenue Q

"Who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but for the record — if anyone out there still cares — I'm not actually gay."

—John Watson, Sherlock