Histeria!/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • Chit Chatterson plays a boat salesman to Ivar the Boneless, a viking who sounds like John Cleese, who is planning to invade England and has come to purchase a ship with a savage-looking figurehead. Chit shows him boats with figureheads of a kitten, a baby duck, a puppy, and a butterfly, claiming them to be a lion, a dragon, a wolf, and a hawk, respectively, and tries without success to convince his customer that these figureheads are anything but what they actually are.

Ivar: There's nothing scary here at all, is there? It's like all your ship's figureheads are being designed by a three-year-old!
Chit: Oh, that's just not true!
Ivar: No?
Chit: No! Actually, I don't think he's over twelve months. [camera pans to reveal that Big Fat Baby is designing the figureheads]

  • Froggo's reactions to not being given a bag of marshmallows and a crate of leeches, and then a tambourine and a vat of spam, in "The History of Flight".
  • Loud's rant to Christopher Columbus in "Around the World in a Daze":

Columbus: Crow's nest! You see anything?
Loud: LEMMIE CHECK, CAPTAIN! [peers through periscope] OH MY GOSH!! STRAIGHT AHEAD! YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT!
Columbus: What is it?
Loud: GUESS!
Columbus: Land?
Loud: [imitates buzzer] OH, I'M SO SORRY, NO! IT'S WATER!! YES, WATER! MILES AND MILES OF WATER! BUT WAIT! WHAT'S OVER THERE?! OH MY GOLLY! MORE WATER! WAIT! HOW ABOUT THAT THERE!? GUESS WHAT! MORE WATER! [tosses periscope away] YESTERDAY, WATER! THE DAY BEFORE, WATER! FOR THE PAST 70 DAYS, WATER! NOTHING BUT WATER! [face turns red] YOU STARTING TO GET THE PICTURE, CAPTAIN!?
Columbus: I think the crow's nest needs a little vacation.

    • Loud Kiddington's outing as Erik The Red also gave him a funny lookout job, demonstrating how vikings kept land in sight in order to navigate.

Loud: (quietly as crew sleeps) See it...see it...see it...<gasp> DON'T SEE IT! <crew wakes up and rows frantically> DON'T SEE IT! DON'T SEE IT! <whew> See it...See it...

      • After their journey to North America, entailing WEEKS if not MONTHS of being out of sight of land with Loud's ceaseless screaming...

Viking crew: (exhausted) We saw it...we saw it...we saw it...

  • Anything involving Lucky Bob. For example:

Lucky Bob: I spy, something that begins with the letter "B".
Cho-Cho: Blinking lights?
Lucky Bob: Nope.
Cho-Cho: Big moon outside window?
Lucky Bob: No.
Cho-Cho: Black darkness of deep outer space?
Lucky Bob: No.
Cho-Cho: A bagel?
Lucky Bob: No.
Cho-Cho: A blitz?
Lucky Bob: No.
Caption: 55 HOURS LATER
Cho-Cho: A bupka?
Lucky Bob: No.
Cho-Cho: Big Fat Flying Baby?
Lucky Bob: No.
Cho-Cho: A Bob who is lucky?
Lucky Bob: Uh... no.
Cho-Cho: Bursting blood vessels in the astronauts' necks?
Astronauts: TELL HER ALREADY!!
Sammy Melman: WHAT DO YOU SPY THAT BEGINS WITH A "B"?!!
Lucky Bob: Chocolate!

Bill Straitman: Well, tell us, what is this one called?
Hakon the Good: Oh, this one here? This is Bob! Bob the Sss-word!
Bill Straitman: Bob?
Hakon the Good: Right! And that's Timmy over there! And right here is Greta! Greta likes Timmy, don't you, Greta? [as Greta] "That's right! I want to marry Timmy!" [as himself] But not if Bob has anything to say about it! Right, Bob? [as Bob] "That's right! You can't marry Timmy; I want to marry you!" [as Greta] "But I love Timmy!" [as Bob] "Too bad! You're marryin' me!" [as Timmy] "Over my dead body!" says Timmy! [as Bob] "Oh yeah?!" [as Timmy] "Yeah!" [as Bob] "Well then, let's go at it!"

  • Toast delivering pizza to Rene Descartes:

Toast: Pizza's here!
Descartes: What?
Toast: Here's your pepperoni pizza with extra barbecue sauce, hold the anchovies.
Descartes: I didn't order any pizza!
Toast: Yeah ya did, I got the order right here.
René Descartes: That is not my address; this is for Galileo. He lives in Italy.
Toast: Well, I don't think I can get there in a half-hour or less.

  • "Hi gang, Pop Quiz here! We ask several historical questions for our players then act flabbergasted at their overwhelming ignorance!"
  • From the Superwriters sketch:

Edgar Allan Poe: I've just completed a rewrite we can all be proud of! Johnathan Livingston's Seagull is now a bloodthirsty vampire bat named Caroline, who is mysteriously compelled to fly into the propeller of an airplane, on the first page! [laughs evilly]

Basho: It is still too long! [screams and slices Poe's book in half]

  • "Super Amazing Constitutions":

Andrew Jackson: Now listen up! I'm General Andrew Jackson!
Aka Pella: Oooh, are you related to Michael Jackson?
Andrew Jackson: No! Although I do have an uncle who looks a lot like Tito. Now clear out! This here's no place for children.
Aka Pella: It could be if you put in swings and a jungle gym.

  • At the end of the sketch where Elmer Fudd, as Gutzon Borglum, and Loud, as his son Lincoln, build Mt. Rushmore:

Elmer: Aah, finished! West and wewaxation at wast! And thanks to your help, it only took fouteen yeaws to compwete.
Loud: Aww, you're only saying that because I'm your son.
Elmer: No, I'm saying that because working awone, I could've finished it in six yeaws!!


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