I Have Just One Thing to Say

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

A character is giving a climactic speech expressing disgust for the actions of another character. It sounds like a stern rebuke, and builds to "I have just one thing to say!" The audience expects a final slap in the face, but instead the character says something entirely positive, revealing the speech to be a put-on.

Sometimes the "one thing to say" is, "Gotcha!"

Compare Arson, Murder, and Lifesaving.

Examples of I Have Just One Thing to Say include:


Film

  • Dumb and Dumber had a good one, when Lloyd traded their van for an extremely tiny mini-bike:

Harry: Lloyd, just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do this... And totally redeem yourself!

  • I remember one Super Babies movie where the Kid Hero's 'last words' were "Duck." A vehicle of his was coming for him.
  • Done in the first Rush Hour.

Cpt. William Diel: What you did was Reckless! And completely against policy! And on top of that... You did a good job!
beat
Inspector Carter: Say what?!

    • This was a subversion, as the captain did not think Carter had done a good job at all, but was merely putting him on so he would accept a humiliating assignment as a supposed reward.
  • Major League

"I've only got one thing to say to you: strike this motherfucker out!"

  • Three To Tango Matthew Perry's character has spent the entire film pretending to be gay, while actually in love with Nieve Campbell. When she finds out, she yells at him for daring to lie to her, and ends with "I have just one thing to say to you... I take the left side of the bed." Cue coy smirks and Ironic Echo inundation.
  • Monsters, Inc..

CDA Agent: This is the CDA. Come out slowly with the child in plain sight.
Mike Wazowski: Okay, okay. You got us. Here we are. Here's the kid. I'm cooperating. But before you take us away, I have one thing to say. (sticks out tongue, revealing a sock) Catch! (throws sock at CDA agent)

Literature

Live Action TV

  • The Golden Girls "Til Death Do We Volley": Dorothy has pulled a Counter Zany in response to a friend's practical joke. The friend declares angrily, "Dorothy Zbornak, that was the sneakiest, most underhanded practical joke you have ever pulled, and I Have Just One Thing to Say: boy, have I missed you!"
  • Three's Company "And Baby Makes Four": Cindy is irate that Jack and Janet thought she was pregnant. She rants, "Stop treating me like a child! I'm an adult and I can take care of myself. I Have Just One Thing to Say: you two are the best friends a girl could ever have."
  • Frasier, "Something Borrowed, Someone Blue" - Niles comes home chipper, which the uncouth Simon Moon attributes to his having had sex (and completes the image with a few hip thrusts). Niles rears himself up indignantly: "I find that remark rude, boorish and impossible to deny!"—now grinning fit to bust.
  • A version happened in Doctor Who in "The Stolen Earth". Davros gives a speech about their history, while the Doctor responds with "After all this time, after everything we saw, everything we lost, I have only one thing to say to you...Bye!," making it clear he has no personal interest in Davros. This is also an Ironic Echo of his conversation with the Master last season, where he was the one trying to get his enemy to stay and talk, who shut him down with the same word.
  • Appears at the end of the Christmas episode of Modern Family. Jay has been annoyed for the entire episode over the Columbian traditions of his new wife and stepson. Finally, he explodes on them at the end.

Jay: From now on, we'll do Columbian things while we're in Columbia, and do American things when we're in America! That means no fireworks, no practical jokes, and none of your damned cheese balls! {exits and reenters} Innocente! What, did I not do it right? You should have seen your faces! And do you know how hard it is to find fireworks at Christmastime?

  • Shortly after Sheridan's return to Babylon 5 from Z'ha'dum: "Hey, I heard that you three [Ivanova, Lyta, and Delenn] went to Z'ha'dum after me. That was foolish and dangerous. And I can't thank you enough for trying."

Music

Web Comics

Video Games

  • In Wing Commander III, after Blair accepts a simulator duel against arrogant test pilot Flash, the captain takes Blair aside and starts a lecture on how reckless he's being. He ends it with the following statement: "Kick the little twerp's ass."
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