Pit: Lady Palutena, I can't believe it, I have my own quotes page! Palutena: Yes, Pit. The power of TV Tropes grants anyone the gift of editing but only for twenty minutes. Pit: It's still cool though! Gosh, there are just so many things to put down! Maybe I should start with the stuff from my first battle with Medusa. Palutena: Oh like I'm finished! or YOU WEAKLING! Pit: Eh heh heh... yeah... let's just stick with the stuff from this game.
Just because this game is full of them, we now have a page dedicated to the nonstop banterfest of Kid Icarus: Uprising. All spoilers will be unmarked, but will be kept in specific folders for your convenience.
How to Play
Palutena: I'll help you prepare for the battles ahead, Pit. Pit: Thanks! I'm honored to be at your service, Lady Palutena! Pit: But before we get started, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Palutena: And what's that? Pit:Who is this "Icarus" guy this game is named after? Can I meet him?
Palutena: Uhm... Actually, no. But let's not worry about that.
Pit: ...why not? What happened to Icarus?
Palutena: Let's just focus on you right now.
Palutena: Quickly flick the circle pad in any direction to dash that way. Hold it to run. Pit: That move feels so familiar. Palutena: I think they used it in that one series, "Super Bash Sisters." Pit: You mean "Super Smash Bros.."? Palutena: Uh, I don't think it was that. Pit: It's definitely that.
General Quotes that appear throughout the Game
Pit: You know how a chicken takes three steps and forgets? Palutena: Forgets what? Pit: Uh.... Palutena: Pit? Pit: Uh... Palutena: Forgets what? Pit: Um... Oh, right! So you know how a chicken takes three steps and then forgets?
Palutena: The monster situation is quite clamant. Pit: Is that... a good thing? Palutena: You know, it's importunate. Or unpropitious. Pit: ...Are you still speaking English right now? Palutena: I'm sorry, Pit. I didn't mean to confuse you. Let me make this easier for you. BIG MONSTERS KILL PIT! GRRR Pit: Ahhh, that makes perfect sense! Thank you!
Palutena: It looks like your wings are losing feathers, Pit. Pit: Hmm, I didn't notice. But I guess you're right. Palutena: I wonder if your wings are going bald. Pit: Why would you even SAY that?! Palutena: Sorry - it just sort of slipped out. Palutena: Here, if you kind of... push the other feathers over the bald spot... Pit: I am NOT doing a comb-over!
Pit: Wouldn't it be nice to be a goldfish? Palutena: Er... why's that? Pit: It'd be so easy. Palutena: I don't know about that. My goldfish always died on me.
(when you have a staff equipped and Palutena and Pit are discussing how it's good for sniping) Pit: I don't know, attacking enemies from behind when they're not looking seems kind of cowardly. Palutena: Every warrior knows that cowardice is the foundation upon which victory is built. Pit: You just totally made that up, didn't you.
(when you have claws equipped) Palutena: What do you think of those claws Pit?. Pit: They bring out a whole other side of me! I'm part angel, part ANIMAL! Palutena: Oh, like a squirrel? You do have a certain bright-eyed, bushy-tailed energy. Palutena: Or maybe you're more like a frisky little kitten! Pit: A little kitten that can dice up enemies! Palutnea: Wait, I've got it. You're like a penguin. Fun-loving and flightless! Pit: Come on now! Penguins don't even have claws!
(when you have a bow equipped) Palutena: It's a pretty well-balanced weapon. Pit: Yeah, I used one in my last brawl.
(when you have orbitars equipped during chapters where Viridi is mission control) Viridi: So you've equipped orbitars I see. If you like those orbitars, you should see the ones I made from my troops. Pit: You mean "for" your troops, right? Viridi: Nope. They're very energy efficient and 100% compostable. Plus if you're hungry, They're edible! Pit: Awesome! Pit: But if you're at a point where you'd eat an orbitar, you're probably already doomed. Viridi: Hmm. Good point.
(when you have an arm equipped during chapters where Viridi is mission control) Viridi: Now that, my friend, is a weapon! Pit: Yeah! I'll smash anything that gets in my way! Viridi: You do seem to have more of a presence with that arm equipped. It's like how driving an SUV or a big truck makes a person feel more in control. But that's just a misconception. Driving a big car doesn't make the cars around you any smaller. And it doesn't mean you don't have to pay attention to your surroundings. Pit: I think I know what you're getting at. You're saying I should get a big truck! Viridi: No, Pit. That's not what I'm saying.
(when you have a blade equipped during chapters where Viridi is mission control) Viridi: Blades are both versatile and extremely well balanced. Pit: I was just thinking that, but with smaller words. Viridi: But they're really straightforward, almost as if they were created on autopilot. Pit: Straightforward isn't necessarily a bad thing. Viridi: But it can be very boring. Very, very boring. Pit: Wait, are we still talking about blades? Viridi: What do you think?
Viridi: Oh, look at us fighting on the same side! It's like you're a member of my army now. Pit: Uh, I don't remember enlisting. Viridi: I believe there are some latrines that need cleaning, private. Pit: Private?! No way! I'm a commissioned officer!
Medusa: Hello again, Pit. And you, too, Palutena. Here to crash my homecoming party? Palutena: Um, this isn't much of a "party". Medusa: What better way to celebrate my return than with a festive little bloodbath? After all, I have been gone for 25 years.
Pit: Do you hear that? Do you hear the peoples' cheers? They're celebrating the return of the goddess Palutena!
Pit: Twinbellows! Palutena: The Underworld's faithful watchdog! Pit: Old Pit's gonna teach you some new tricks! Now play dead!
Chapter 2
Pit:Whoaaaa! G-Force in my faaace!
Pit: So this is the dark lord's castle. Palutena: Yes, he must've scrambled to build it after Medusa's resurrection. Palutena: He's using this castle as a stronghold for Underworld monsters. Palutena: Monsters designed to wreak havoc and sow sadness. *pause* Are you excited? Pit: Yeah. It's like a birthday party where everyone wants to kill me.
Palutena: I can also see what's in your heart. Pit: Oh... heh heh. That's really... something... Palutena: So you'd better not be thinking of anything... naughty. Pit: What?! How did you-- Palutena: Just kidding! Seriously, reading hearts through laurel crowns? Pit:I know... I was... also kidding...
Pit: Wait, is this... Ha! It is! A hot spring! Magnus: Apparently, someone likes his spa time. Pit: Ahhh... Now that's what I'm talking about! Magnus: You go in fully dressed? Don't you at least want to change into a...swimming tunic or something? Pit: Oh no no no! The angel's code of conduct says that we must always be prepared for duty. Magnus: I guess you wouldn't be an angel if you didn't do things by the book. Pit: Yeah...and I don't want to steam the sacred buns.
Dark Lord Gaol: It's so typical of you to pawn off your work on someone else. Magnus: Hey! In this economy, everyone's looking for work. Even part-time work. Dark Lord Gaol: That's funny. Business is booming for me. We're even hiring more staff!
Palutena: I don't know much about the situation... But it seems that Magnus and Gaol used to be close friends. Pit: What?! Seriously?! Palutena: They were part of the same band of monster-fighting mercenaries. But Gaol's heart was weak, and he couldn't resist the temptation of the Underworld. Pit: Seeing them fighting, it's hard to believe they were ever friends. Palutena: Magnus only knows one way to fight: ferociously. Perhaps his fire is fueled by the child he lost to Underworld troops. Pit: I had no idea. That's so sad... Magnus: Hey, enough chitchat! We need to concentrate here! Dark Lord Gaol: Feeling a little agitated, Magnus? Magnus: Don't make me laugh, "dark lord"! Now put on some pants, and fight like a man!
(If Magnus is defeated before Pit and Palutena are finished talking) Magnus: Ugh... you and your mouth. Dark Lord Gaol: Hmph. I almost feel sorry for the two of you. But not quite. Dark Lord Gaol: I'll rip this angel to shreds first. Then I'll take care of you.
Chapter 3
Hewdraw 1: Hello, there. Hewdraw 2: It's snack time! Hewdraw 3: Mmmm! What a tender little morsel! Pit: I am not a piece of meat! Hewdraw 3: What'd you say? Hewdraw 2: Technically, you are! Hewdraw 1: Just come a little closer...
Pit: Get ready, 'cause it's time for-- Hewdraw 3: Total annihilation! Hewdraw 1: Bone-crushing destruction! Hewdraw 2: Face-stomping carnage!
It was MY turn to have the last word! Hewdraw 1: Oh, give it a rest. Hewdraw 3: Let's not argue in front of company. Hewdraw 2: Cram a sock in it, foot face! Hewdraw 1: I'm soooo sick of you guys. Hewdraw 3: Me?! What did I do?! Hewdraw 1: Knock it off already! Hewdraw 3: YOU knock it off! Hewdraw 2: I can't believe this is my life. Hewdraw 1: Can we go home and watch TV now? Hewdraw 3: Would everyone just shut it?! Hewdraw 2: Someone put me out of my misery. Hewdraw 3: Did I mention I'm starving? Hewdraw 2: And you think we're not?! Pit: Um... Now what? Palutena: This is never going to end. Just go ahead and attack. Hewdraw 1, 2 & 3: EVERYONE SHUT UP AND FOCUS!
Hewdraw 1: Oh... I'm the only one left! Pit: Actually, I'd say you're the only one right! Get it? Hewdraw 1: That's fine. I'm glad to be rid of that dead weight!
Hewdraw 2: Where did Lefty and Righty go? Pit: You're all alone! Hewdraw 2: Whatever, I never liked those guys anyway.
Hewdraw 3: Ah! The other heads! You have no right! Pit: Actually, I'd say you have no right! Hewdraw 3: Okay, that's it! You're dead!
Hewdraw 1: So, you killed my brothers? Pit: That's right! Hewdraw 1: Oh thank you! Thank you! Now I'm finally free!
Hewdraw 1: No... I'm too pretty to die! *dies* Pit: Hah. Victorious.
Hewdraw 2: So, you've finished off the others, eh? Pit: You know it! Hewdraw 2: Then you've saved the best for last! Let's get down to business!
Hewdraw 2: Look how far you've come, Pit! I'm proud of you. *dies* Pit: Huh. You don't usually meet such nice bosses...
Hewdraw 3: So nice to see you again! Pit: You won't feel that way for long! Hewdraw 3: Hahaha! That's big talk, little firecracker!
Hewdraw 3: Before I die, I just wanna say- *dies* Pit: And that's the end of him! Palutena: I wonder what he was going to say...
Chapter 4
Palutena: You remember Reapers, don't you? From the Underworld? Pit: Not those guys! They're always freaking out and calling in their little Reapettes! UGH! I'm getting worked up just thinking about it! Palutena: Yes, yes, anyway. About the Reapers... Pit: Sorry, sorry, go on. Palutena: The Reapers have a fortress near the entrance to the Underworld, in Reaper Valley Pit: Hahah! Which is where? Reaper Boulevard? Hahah. But seriously, thank goodness we don't have to go there, right? Palutena: ... Pit: ...
[Background music stops] Pit: ...That silence means we have to go there, doesn't it?
Palutena: I'm trying to find another one of Medusa's commanders, Pandora. Pit: The goddess of disaster and calamity? That Pandora? Palutena: Yes. She's currently residing in the Labyrinth of Deceit. But some force in the Reaper fortress is obscuring its location. I can't find it. Not even with my All-Seeing Eye of Palutena. Pit: Wait, if you have an all-seeing eye, why can't you find Pandora's location? Palutena: Because of my slightly botched laser-eye surgery! Pit: Are you messing with me again? Palutena: Maybe.
Palutena: Reapers may look all evil and crazy, but there's a good reason for that. Palutena:They AREevil and crazy.
Pit: Considering this is the Reaper fortress, there really aren't many Reapers. Palutena: There must be a huge soul harvest going on somewhere. Pit: What do you mean? Palutena: Reapers are soul carriers. When a being dies, they take its soul to the Underworld. The humans probably started another war, which means a lot more souls to deal with. Pit: Why are they always fighting? It's so sad and pointless. Palutena: Yes, but we gods fight too, and when we do, humans are always caught in the middle. Pit: So, this war against the Underworld Army is causing the Reapers to work overtime. Palutena: I'M the one who should be working overtime. Then there'd be less soul harvesting. Humans get frustrated, even destructive, when we gods don't provide for their welfare. Pit: Don't be ridiculous! Everyone loves the goddess of light! You know that! Palutena: Thank you, Pit. I do my best. Now, then... Let's proceed.
Pit: Not this guy! Palutena: An eggplant wizard. Pit: But I don't wanna be an eggplant again! Palutena: Way back when, you had to visit a nurse to get fixed up, remember? Pit: I was there so much they named the place after me. Hos-PIT-al. Get it? Palutena: ... Pit: It's funny. It's okay to laugh! Palutena:No, it's really not.
Palutena: Those aren't just flirty looks coming from the Great Reaper's eyes. Pit: Lemme guess, they're death rays? Palutena: In a nutshell. Plus, if you get hit, it'll summon Reapettes. That Great Reaper has quite the evil eye. Pit: How can you make puns at a time like this?! Palutena: I guess I just don't SEE the problem with a little levity. Pit: Aw! You're killing me here!
Pit: You know what, Lady Palutena? Palutena: What's that, Pit? Pit: Even though I almost died, I've really enjoyed our time together. Palutena: Aww, you poor guy. You really need to make some friends!
Chapter 5
Pit: I have to hustle before the Power of Flight runs out! Palutena: That would be... problematic. Palutena: You see, I can't extract you if Pandora's powers are still active. Pit: I'll just pretend you didn't say that.
Palutena: It's a Handora ambush! Pit:What? It's Pandora time already? Palutena: No, I said Handora. You know, the... hand... monsters.
Pit: Is THIS a dead end? Palutena: Yes...? No...? Uh....
Pandora: The new me leads a more grounded life. Yoga, macrobiotics, reflexology... Pit: Don't you need feet for that?
(after going down a hallway that loops back to the same room) Palutena: You're back where you started. (after doing it a second time) Pit: Ugh, not again! Pandora: You seem to have a thing for this room.
Pit: Where are we? Palutena: The Hall of Marvelous Moving Walls. Pandora: Your delivery stinks. Say it with feeling. This isn't public radio, you know!
Pit: What's an Exo Tank doing here anyway? Pandora: I wanted to get my driver's license. So I whipped up a little parking lot to practice in. But then it hit me. How am I supposed to steer without hands? Pit: How'd you build a parking lot without hands? Pandora:Hard work and determination.
Palutena: The Mirror of Truth makes a copy of whatever stands in front of it. Pit: So, hypothetically speaking, it could turn one ice-cream sundae into two?
'Pandora: ...And thats why you're one of the greatest minds of our time.
Pit: Does the mirror copy its soul too, or just its body? Palutena: That's a good question. Maybe Pandora will tell us. Pandora: Do I LOOK like a strategy guide? In case you haven't noticed, this isn't the Ask Auntie Pandora' hour!
Palutena: Pandora certainly has... (whispering)interesting ideas about interior design. Pandora: Rude rude rude. You don't see me breaking into YOUR home amd criticizing YOUR style. Pandora: I mean, marble columns? Really? How gauche!
Palutena: Those orange platforms seem to spell something. Pit: Ooh, ooh! Like a secret message! Can you decode it? Palutena: It says.... P-A-N..... D-O-R-A..... Palutena: It... doesn't seem like there's much to decode here. Pit: Well, that was a letdown. Pandora: You're just jealous of my knack for interior design AND my flair for spelling. Palutena:Yes. I'll never have powers like yours.
Pit: I guess it's bouncy time. Pandora: I thought trampolines would add a touch of whimsy to my humble abode. Palutena: But you can't even use them! Pandora: So what? I thought it would be fun to watch people bounce around on them. And I was right! ...Even though this is the first time someone's made it this far.
Pit: You know I appreciate your help, Lady Palutena, but I'd be totally fine without all this hand-holding too. Pandora: That's right. Hand-holding is strictly prohibited here. Pandora: Not to be rude, but I have to project a certain aura of toughness. Palutena: We understand. Rules of being a boss.
Pit: Servant of Medusa floating before me! It's time for you to atone for your crimes! I am Pit! Servant of the goddess of Light! And you! Are! HISTORY!
...
Palutena: What was that all about?
Pandora: Let's get right to introductions. This here is Dark Pit. He'll be your escort out of this life. Dark Pit: *WHAP*
Dark Pit: Speak for yourself.
Pandora: You fool! You were created to serve me! Your opponent's over there! Dark Pit:You're a boss, Pandora, but you're not my boss!
Chapters 6-9
Chapter 6
Pit: Are you with the Underworld Army? Is that why you have it out for me? Dark Pit: Don't be ridiculous! I just don't like the idea of someone copying my act! Pit: WHAT? But you're a copy of me! Dark Pit: Come on, now, think about it! If I was a copy, why would I kick my own butt?
Medusa: You're a real go-getter, Dark Pit. I like that. Dark Pit: Is that so? Medusa: Yes. But I do wonder how you plan to best your dopplegänger. Of course, destroying Pit would be a snap with a little help from me. Dark Pit: Don't make me laugh. Medusa: Did I say something funny? Dark Pit: You've got me confused with the other guy. This Pit is no pawn. I'll take care of him. But only after I've finished you!
Dark Pit: Hey there, Pit Stain! Pit: You know I could call you the same thing, right?
Pit: It's a shame that Pittoo is just so obnoxious. Just think of all the stuff you could get done with more than one of yourself. Palutena: That's a good idea. Having a bunch of Pits COULD come in handy... Pit: But you would NEVER abuse your power, right? Palutena: Of course I would. That's part of the goddess job description. Pit: I should've gone to school for goddessry.
Pit: Why are you all doom and gloom all the time, Pittoo? Dark Pit: I think a better question is why are YOU so annoyingly cheerful? Pit: I'm not annoying. I'm positive! Palutena:(singing) You gotta stay upbeat, upbeat, upbeat... Pit:(singing) Or you'll be dead meat, dead meat, dead meat... Dark Pit: Like I said. Annoying.
Dark Pit: Bring it, puppet! Pit: Who are you calling a puppet? Dark Pit: Palutena says "jump", you jump. She says "fight", you fight. Sounds like a very satisfying existence... for her, that is! Pit: I have absolute faith in Lady Palutena! Dark Pit: The Mirror of Truth doesn't lie. I'm a reflection of your true self. So maybe your faith in her isn't so absolute after all. Pit: What would you know about faith, anyway, you treacherous blackheart!? Lady Palutena always guides me the right way! That's why I follow her. And that Mirror of Truth you mentioned? It's nothing more than a pane of lies! Pandora was just using it as bait! Dark Pit: Seems I've touched a nerve. Methinks the puppet doth protest too much. Pit: Oh, would you give it a rest, already? Dark Pit: Okay, fine. Do whatever you want! Or rather... keep doing what she wants. But I, for one, refuse to be a puppet! These wings take me wherever I want to go!
Chapter 7
Pit: Wait, so I'm going to be fighting his forces under the sea? How am I supposed to do that? Palutena: Just use your gills! Tell me, Pit. How are you with brachial respiration? Pit: Oh, no worries! I MINORED in brachial respiration. Wait, YOU'RE CRAZY!
Palutena: Alright. Just hold your breath, then! For about four hours!
Pit: I SAID, YOU'RE CRAZY!
Tanatos: Oh goodie! Guests! Protecting an impregnable fortress can get awfully lonely! Pit: Tanatos! God of death! Thanatos: Actually, I go by "Thanatos", now. The extra "h" is for HAMAZING!
Thanatos: *Transforms into a bat* Kee! Kee! Pit: That's not even what a bat sounds like! Thanatos: Woopwoopwoopwoopwoop! Pit: And neither is that! This is getting really old, really fast!
Thanatos: *Transforms into an urn* I'm just gonna catch a few Zs here. By the way, your attacks are useless.
Thanatos: *Transforms into a doll* Palutena: It looks like he transformed into... a doll? Pit: There's something inside of the doll! Palutena: Wait, inside Thanatos... is a mini Thanatos? I wonder if they sell these at the gift shop.
Thanatos: *Transforms into a giant foot* Pit: A foot? Palutena: Come on, how dangerous can- Thanatos: Ever heard of athlete's foot?
Chapter 8
Pit: With Medusa's commanders out of the way, we're getting to the battle of battles! But this isn't the way to the Underworld. Where are we going? Palutena: I'm a little embarrassed to say... Pit: What is it? Palutena: Remember the Three Sacred Treasures you used against Medusa long ago? Pit: Of course. The Mirror Shield, Arrows of Light, and Wings of Pegasus. Palutena: Right. I hid them in case of an emergency. You know, so that they wouldn't get stolen. Pit: Now that's using your noodle. Man, you are so smart! Palutena: The story doesn't end there. See, there's also this space-pirate ship... Pit:Wait, what?
Pit: So I should destroy the shiny thing? Palutena: You'd better not. The explosion would be enormous. Pit: Sounds... hurty.
Pit: Is that a switch? Palutena:That's what it appears to be. Pit: I'm guessing it does something. Palutena: They usually do.
Space Pirate Captain: *gibberish* Pit: I have no idea what he's saying. Palutena: He's like, "Yar, I'll make ye walk the space plank, scurvy dog!" *pause* That's just a loose translation. Pit: Oh man, not the space plank!
Palutena: A space kraken?! Well, that came out of nowhere!
Pit: The box has really held up well! Palutena: It is less pixellated than I remember.
Chapter 9
Palutena: Look at those Trailtails drawing lines. Pit: Or... trails, right? Palutena: Maybe. Pit:Probably.
Pit: Pittoo! What are you doing here? Dark Pit: The same thing you're doing. Pummeling Underworld fools. I'm just way better at it. Palutena: Maybe you also sensed that Pit could use your help. Dark Pit: Don't make me laugh. Now, enough talky talk. There's fighting to be done!
Dark Pit: Hi-yah! Pit: Pittoo! Dark Pit: And THAT'S how you take out a boss! Palutena: For future reference, face kicking isn't usually this effective.
Pit: Twinbellows! Here, boy! Old Pit's gonna teach you even MORE new tricks! And if you're good, I'll take you for a walk and give you a bath and a treat. We're gonna rack up some serious Nintendogs trainer points together! Palutena: Focus, Pit.
Medusa: I find it very ironic that you would call yourself the "goddess of light". After all, it was you who turned me into a monster! It was you who hunted me down! Palutena: Don't blame me for that. I only reflected in your appearance what I saw in your heart. Medusa: And what about your heart? I can only imagine what resides there. Palutena: Why imagine it? Don't you have the power to make it a reality? Medusa: Why bother? We both know it would be some sort of hideous creature. Pit:You shut your mouth, Medusa! Lady Palutena is nothing like you! Who turns people to stone and poisons the rivers? Who reduces cities to rubble? And who is leading the Underworld destruction of the land and heavens? Not Lady Palutena! You're the one responsible for all this, Medusa! But what I don't understand is how you managed to resurrect yourself in the first place!
Medusa: Enough! It doesn't matter how I returned. What matters is why. To exact Revenge on you. Turning your little angel into stone is a nice first step...
Pit: Threaten all you want, Medusa! You don't scare me. I will defeat you. I'll return to Skyworld victorious!
Pit: Huh? What the heck is that?! Palutena: It's a Tempura Wizard! Pit: A Tempura Whatzerd? Palutena: If he deep-fries you, keep your distance. One bite and you'll be finished!
Pit: Well, that's a step up from eggplant, I guess. (pause) No... not really.
Medusa: I can sense you getting closer, Pit! Pit: There's nowhere left for you to run! Medusa: Y'know, I'm very much looking forward to your arrival. I feel like Rapunzel waiting for her prince.
Pit: Sorry to break it to you, but those aren't exactly golden locks on your head.
Medusa: And you're not exactly a brave hero. Yet somehow, the thought of our confrontation fills me with anticipation. So hurry to me, Pit. I'll strip you of your wings and sever you from the heavens forever!
Pit: Listen well, all you demons of the Underworld! In the name of the goddess Palutena! The defender of all that is good! Those who hide in the darkness will be made to face the light. Palutena: Fly, Pit!
Pit: Wow, warping that huge body must be a pain! Medusa: Who are you calling huge, you insignificant little thing?
Pit: We did it! We really did it! Palutena: Congratulations! I know it wasn't always easy. Pit: Aw, but it was so worth it! With the world at peace again, even the sun feels warmer! Palutena: Aw, you're so cute, Pit! Both:Ahahahahahahahah!
Hades: Sorry to keep YOU waiting. But now that I'm here, let's get this party started!
Hades: Her thirst for revenge was so great it seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Oh, pretty Palutena. You must have really done a number on her. Palutena: I won't deny that. Hades: But she's old news, and old news bores me. We must look to the future. And that future is me, the true leader of the Underworld! Next to me, little miss Medusa is going to look like a sweet, cuddly bunny.
Hades: I must bid you... adieu.
Chapters 10-14
Chapter 10
Pit:My wish would be to fly by myself!
Palutena: He's the Phoenix. Don't worry, he'll come back. Pit: That's not what I'm worried about! What I mean to say is... I'm not scared. I'm... not scared at all. Palutena: Your saying it twice doesn't make it any more convincing. Pit: How about I say it a third time? I'm not scared at all!
Hades: So the "good guys" covet the Wish Seed as well, eh? Tell me, goddess. What do you wish for? Is it all kittens and rainbows, or is it something more... interesting? Palutena: I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours. Hades: I'm so glad you asked! I just have one, humble little wish. You see this poor child? Both of her parents are dead. Aww... There was an... unfortunate accident, if you know what I mean. Pit: You mean you murdered them! Hades: It was a simple case of distracted chariot driving. I shouldn't have been doing my hair. Anyway, I was hoping to use the Wish Seed to bring back the parents. Can you think of anything more joyous than a family reunion? After that, they'd strike it rich. Like, rolling-in-dough rich. And then, we'd slap crowns on all of them, and make 'em royalty! And that's the general gist of my wish! Pretty noble, and not at all... evil, right? I can't think of anyone more deserving of the Wish Seed than yours truly!
Palutena: So let me get this straight. You, the lord of the Underworld, want to revive the dead? That's somewhat at odds with your "mission statement", wouldn't you say?
Hades: Don't tell me the goddess of light hasn't heard of altruism before!
Pit: What a load of baloney!
Hades: My intentions are pure! As lord of the Underworld, you have my word!
Palutena: That just makes me more suspicious.
Hades: How cold of you! Your words pierce my heart like an icicle!
Palutena: Look, Pit! A hot spring! Pit: Sco-o-ore! Who has two thumbs and loves hot springs? Everybody with two thumbs!
Palutena: The Phoenix is up ahead. Hades: Go die now!
Chapter 11
Viridi: Hahahaha! Nice shot, if I do say so myself! Viridi: Good riddance, human scum! The world's better off without you!
Viridi: So you're the famous Palutena! I hear you've been busy! Palutena: And you're Viridi. Ruler of the earth, and all living things. Viridi: Hm! I didn't know I had a fan club. Pit: WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS?! Viridi:Humans are driven by selfish desire. They think only of themselves. They were killing each other for what? A WISH? A FAKE wish?! They've strayed too far from their intended path. That's where my Reset Bombs come in. To help return Earth to its natural state!
Pit: This is a pretty twisted version of "nature"... Viridi: Humans massacre Earth's creatures, decimate the trees, and exploit the land. They're the twisted ones! They're enemies of life itself! Tell me, Palutena, why do they deserve special treatment? Palutena:Because, of all creatures, humans are closest to the gods. Gods cannot intervene in mankind's affairs, as you have. You had no right.
Viridi:No right?! Humans are trampling over the rights of every other living thing! Should I just sit back and watch as they continue to exploit the earth!? No. I must exterminate them all before it's too late!
Palutena: There's just no reasoning with her.
Pit: I have to admit, she has a valid point. But wiping out humanity is not the answer!
Palutena: I agree completely.
Palutena: You've given us no choice but to oppose you, Viridi!
Viridi: Oh, that's brave of you. But the Forces of Nature? We're not what you're used to.
Palutena: It looks like there used to be a hot spring here. Pit: Wait! There's a little water left! Viridi: Do you soak in every random puddle that crosses your path? (If Pit steps into the hot spring) Viridi: What's with you and hot springs? Pit: What's with you and not minding your own business?
Pit: This place is big. Palutena: There's another Aether Ring in the middle of that giant tree. Pit: But why there? Palutena: Ask Viridi. Viridi: I installed it for my army to use. ...But no one passed Driver's Ed. Palutena: I'm not surprised. Pit: I can't believe you didn't think of that before. Viridi: You were attacking! I was busy! Leave me alone!
Pit: A hot spring! A HUGE HOT SPRING! Palutena: It's nature's bathtub!
Palutena: Viridi's army is called the Forces of Nature. Most of her troops are made from natural materials, like wood, dirt, and rocks. Pit: Eco-conscious down to her troops! Everyone's going green these days. Viridi: I'm not going green, I've always been green! I use cloth shopping bags. I compost my food scraps. And I separate my recyclables into fifteen types! Pit: Now this is a goddess who sweats the details. Palutena: I could learn a thing or two from her.
Chapter 12
Viridi: What mischief are you two getting into now? Rise, my children, and pluck this dweeb from the air! Pit: Dweeb!? Palutena: I'm sorry, but that's one point for Viridi. Pit: Yeah? Well...every dweeb has his day! Palutena: Hmm... Make that two points for Viridi.
Viridi: More Underworld forces! Pit: I get what Viridi has against Hades. He's destructive and evil. But what does Hades have against Viridi? Palutena: I think you answered your own question. Destruction is fun for him. Hades:Well, five points for the squares! It's true. This is just my idea of a good time. Not that these serious ladies would know anything about having a good time.
Pit: Don't even put Lady Palutena in the same sentence as the goddess of brutality!
Viridi: It's "goddess of nature"!
Palutena: You'd think the lord of the Underworld would be too busy for mischief making.
Hades: Oh, no. Mischief making is one of my principal responsibilities.
Chapter 13
Pit(singing): Again today I will go soaring through the sky
My enemies, I'll dish 'em up in a stir fry!
Gracious godess of light watches from up above!
At dinnertime I always show the cook some love! Palutena: What are you singing? Pit: Just this little victory song I made up.
Palutena: With all this firepower, Arlon must be gearing up for a massive attack! Arlon: Why on earth would I be attacking? I'm far too busy... defending, my dear.
Pit: What's a purview? And why do you talk like that? Pit: Bad guys are supposed to be more like "Graaahhhh!" and "I'm gonna KEEL you!"
Arlon: Let me introduce you to the Flages, the covert-ops specialists for Viridi's army. Do they strike your fancy? Pit: Uh, NO. Arlon: Personally I'm quite fond of them. Pit: Right, because I care so much.
Arlon: Your concern is noted.
Pit: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC! I don't care at all!
Arlon: Oh yes, I almost forgot. Palutena: Forgot what? Arlon:To close the gates! Arlon: And the gates... go... shut.
Palutena: Deploying the Palutena Super-Sensor. Pit: I didn't know you had a Super-Sensor! Palutena: Hee hee, I don't. You know how I like to make stuff up.
Palutena: Pittoo just isn't happy unless he's fighting someone. Dark Pit: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Chapter 14
Pit: But this is Thanatos's third time around! Hades: Thanatos is a bit of a special case. Pit: You're telling me. Hades: He IS the God of Death after all. So he gets free perks like evil powers and health insurance....and free soda.
Hades: Thannypoo, are you okay? Thanatos: Oh, yes! I'm just peachy! Palutena: He doesn't seem peachy... Viridi: That's because Phosphora combines the depeachifying power and speed of lightning!
Pit:(dodges laser) Wah! Palutena: I guess she's not completely spent after her battle with Thanatos. Phosphora: It's just one fight after another. Today is not my day. The fortune Mistress Viridi read me didn't paint a very good picture either. Pit: Wait... Viridi reads fortunes? Palutena: I wonder what other services she offers. Pit: Anyway... It's on! Phosphora: Looking forward to it!
Palutena: Phosphora is busy recharging at the temple's center. Pit: Got it. Palutena: You'll need to move fast and get to her before she's done. Pit: Absolutely, Lady Palutena! Phosphora:Absolutely, Lady Palutena! You're such a yes-man, Pit. Good thing you're so cute.
Phosphora: You're right, I'm sorry. You're MUCH too young to be called "ma'am."
Palutena: You know as well as I do the lifespan of gods. And how about you? What's YOUR age?
Palutena and Phosphora: I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
Pit: For the record... I don't mind being called "sir."
Phosphora: Yes, well, as much as I'd like to continue this delightful chat, I have things to do.
Palutena: I know it's difficult when she's flirting with you, but remember that she's the ENEMY.
Pit: Right...
Phosphora: Hello there! Pit: Attention, pet of Viridi! You'd better sharpen! Your! Claws! I am the servant of Palutena, goddess of Light an-*zap* ow-ow-ow!
Phosphora: Enough blabbity-blab. Now let's get to the main act!
Chapters 15-17
Chapter 15
Pyrrhon: Lemme drop a little knowledge on you! Viridi:Oh, goody.
Pyrrhon: It's all in the Book of Divine Prophecy, chapter 84, section 3. "Beckoned by destruction and corruption, the Aurum are born from and return to nothing. They travel across the galaxy to swallow up the heavens, land, and seas."
Viridi: I don't remember that passage.
Pyrrhon: I'll break it down for you, godlings. The Aurum are gonna eat the entire Earth! But stow your fear. Pyrrhon has a delivery, and the return address is "justice."
Pit: We can trust this guy, right?
Palutena: Um...
Viridi: You know things are dire if THAT'S the guy we're listening to!
Pyrrhon: Feel the wrath of my pyro blasters, space weirdos! HAHAHAHAHA! Kablooey! Kablammy! Palutena: Yes... Let's let Pyrrhon take care of this. We'll take the other side of the islands! Pit: Good plan.
Pit: Is this... the future? Viridi: The Aurum must have stolen materials from all over to build this place. Palutena: I wonder how many other planets were harvested to make it. Pit: For being patched together, everything seems pretty structured. Palutena: If the Aurum are like bees, that's no surprise. Bees are orderly colonies. Likewise, the Aurum seem to act as one. And I doubt these drones have any sense of free will. Pit: There's all this activity here, but no life. It's pretty creepy! At this point, I'd expect a boss or something. And he'd be like, "Muah ha ha! I've been waiting for you, Pit!" Viridi: Aww, poor Pit. Are you feeling lonely? Because I can call in one of my commanders to keep you company! Pit: Heh heh... I was just kidding. I'm fine!
Pit, going after a treasure chest, is dropped into a torture room. And the chest is a Mimicutie*
Viridi: An elevator into a torture chamber! Convenient!
Palutena: Hades, did you put that treasure box there?
Hades: Who, me? I would never!
Pit: Hey look, an Exo Tank! Hades: Hey look, who cares?
Hades: What elegance! What grace! What disturbing brutality!
Pit: Nononononononono!
Hades: Tell me, Pitty Pat, why exactly can’t you fly? Pit: Oh, real original. Like I haven’t heard that one before. Not to mention, it’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Hades: So sorry. I didn’t realize it was such a sensitive subject. Palutena: Oh, don’t worry about him. He’s fine. His wings just don’t work right. Pit: Hey, whose side are you on?
Chapter 16
Viridi: Hey! am I the only one paying attention here? Look! Those Aurum "troops" are just ripoffs of Underworld enemies!
Pit: What?
Hades: I have to give them credit; those are some pretty decent knockoffs.
Viridi: First they devour planets, now they're copying enemies? Lowlifes
Palutena: I wonder if the treasure boxes and Exo Tanks were copies, too?
Palutena: Pit look, there's a hot spring! Viridi: Hold on. This is an Aurum hot spring. You don't know if it's dangerous. Pit: Dangerous? Come on now, I’ve spent this entire game getting shot at. Plus, if Aurum hot springs are so deadly, why didn’t you warn me in the last level? Viridi: Because that’s Palutena’s job, not mine.
Palutena: Look, there’s an Aether Ring. Viridi: Probably just another Aurum knockoff. Pit: I don’t care, if it’s there I’m gonna use it. That’s how angels get stuff done. Viridi: No, that’s how scavengers get stuff done. Are you a buzzard, Pit? Palutena: Now now, I think we can all agree that Pit is not a buzzard. Though I HAVE seen him eat some questionable things off the ground. Pit: FLOOR ICE CREAM GIVES YOU HEALTH!
Pit: Hmph. Well, I'm not here to help you either, so THERE!
Viridi: AAAAAUUGH! You two are SO ANNOYING! This is why I kept trying to kill you!
Chapter 17
Viridi: That Kolma is trying to hitch a free ride! What a deadbeat! Hades: Attention passengers! Those who fail to pay their fare must exit the vehicle!
Pyrrhon: Do your thing, Pit. You know, your... shooting thing.
Hades: Oh snap. Poor Pitty got duped. Viridi: This might not be the best time to rub salt in the wound.
Pit: What kind of rat tricks an angel, Pyrrhon?! Pyrrhon:WHAT? I can't hear you over all this AWESOME!
Viridi: Time to let nature take its course.
Pit: The centurions are in way over their heads! Palutena: They mean well. They're just not very effective. Viridi: Pretty harsh words for your own troops.
Pit: I...guess I'm a dog now. This is getting weirder and weirder... But where'd the little girl go? Hmm. She must have run off. Anyway, on to the town! I gotta be careful not to drop the ring. So that means no more mouth-breathing. And no crazy barking. And no eating delicious garbage off the ground... Not that I would, of course.
Pit(still as a dog): Good thing the centurions are on patrol. The square's looking... RUFF! Heh heh.
Pit: Hey, something smells really good. This new sniffer is really doing its job. Is that garbage? Beef garbage? Man, I am SO hungry! Why am I craving garbage? Oh no no no! Stop drooling, stop drooling! The slobber's getting the ring all wet! Ugh, I'm grossing myself out!
Pit:(to Magnus, still a dog) Hey! Hey! How's it going? Listen, you gotta take this ring! Go on! Take it! (Magnus takes the ring) Pit: Yes! Great! Now put it on your finger! Come on! Put it on! Put it on! (Magnus tosses the ring away) Pit: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! No, no, no, no! Pick it back up! Where are you going? Don't go! Don't go! Put the ring on! You can always pawn it! It's a little slobbery, but I'm sure it's worth a lot. C'mon, don't make me beg! PLEASE take the ring!
Pit: It feels like just yesterday we were fighting together. Magnus: "Yesterday"? Try THREE YEARS, buddy!
Pit:WHAT? You've gotta tell me what's going on!
Magnus: How's this for starters? You've become the enemy of all mankind!
Magnus: No-one knows what happened. Did your goddess just lose her mind?
(Magnus is up against a centurion strongarm - twice his height, and each arm is as thick around as his body) Magnus: Aww, look at that cute little fella.
(Magnus is up against more centurions) Magnus: Look at this happy little family. Pit:(deep voice) "They won't be happy when I'm done with them. Hoo-ah!" Magnus: Is that supposed to sound like me? 'Cause it doesn't.
Magnus: Why are there so many enemies today? What, was MinionMart having a sale?
Magnus: Hot springs don't usually heal humans. You must be having an effect on me. Pit: This is the proper way to enjoy a hot spring. Step 1: Breathe deep. Step 2: Clear mind. Magnus: Okay... Pit: Step 3: REMOVE PANTS! Magnus:Wait, what? No! Those are MY pants!
Pit's Body: ... Pit: You're tough, Magnus, but I'm no slouch either. Magnus: You're the only member of Palutena's army who can carry his own weight. Don't even get me started on the centurions. Yeah, there's a ton of them, but they're all pretty flimsy.
Pit: They're grunts. What did you expect? There's no incentive for them to toughen up -- they get revived when they die.
Magnus: What are you talking about? So do you!
Pit: Well, yeah, but... I can't help it if Lady Palutena has my back!
Palutena: Well, it's been a while, Pit! Pit: Lady Palutena... What has happened?! Palutena: Everything changes, Pit! Even gods!
(At Viridi's temple) Pit: What happened here? Viridi: Well, you've still go to prep for battle. Like it or not, I'm taking over Palutena's duties. Pit: You're joking, right? Viridi: Hmph. I told you. Anything Palutena can do, I can do better. Pit: Wow! Everything I need is still here! I guess I didn't give you enough credit. You're kind of awesome, Viridi. Viridi: Do you have to be such a insufferable suck-up all the time? It won't get you anywhere with me. My only concern is taking down Hades. Anyway, you can equip weapons and powers here, just like always. Got it? Pit: Got it.
Chapter 19
Pit: Underworld troops on the scene! Viridi: I'll send in some backup. If they get in your way, I'll pull them out. Pit: You know, you can be really nice when you try.
Viridi: The force field around Palutena's temple is incredibly strong. We're going to need to borrow the Lightning Chariot. Pit: That sounds AWESOME! Viridi: It's a superfast battle carriage that travels the galaxy. It's also pulled by unicorns! Pit: And that's what I'm gonna use to break through the force field? Viridi: Exactly. ...
Pit: So basically, you're telling me to ram a horse cart into a brick wall.
Viridi: Sure, if you wanna put it crudely.
Pit: Which means I might die.
Viridi: Well, anything's possible.
Pit: Does the Lightning Chariot at least have air bags?
Viridi: Last I checked, no.
Pit: Uh, I'm not a safety nut, but even I draw the line somewhere!
Viridi: So you don't really care about saving Palutena after all.
Pit: Grrrr...
Viridi: She could be in agony at this very moment. She could be trapped inside a dungeon of madness. She could be crying out, "Oh, help me, Pit! Oh, please!"
Pit: OK OK OK OK OK! I guess it IS my duty to rescue her.
Hades: Well, hello again, friends! Pit: Hades! Viridi: Ugh, not you again. Hades: Just look at the two of you sneaking around behind Palutena's back. It's classic. Pit: Shut your mouth! Viridi: What do you want, Hades? Hades: The Lightning Chariot, obviously! Viridi: You creep! Just go away already! Hades: It's one slick ride! A veritable goddess magnet if you will. Viridi: Please. I'm a goddess, and I would never ride in that thing.
Pit: I guess there is only one thing I can do. I'll go talk to this Chariot Master guy in person. He's at the top of this tower, right? Viridi: That's right. Hey look at you acting all assertive. You're just grabbing life by the horns and shaking it until it moos.
Pit: Ok, so we've got rolling obstacles. Viridi: And don't forget the jump pads. Pit: Something seems familiar about this... Hades: I guess the Chariot Master has played Donkey Kong.
Pit: Am I ever going to get to the top of this tower? Viridi: I warned you before we got here that it was a long way up. Pit: Yeah, but this place is so huge, we even had a loading screen back there. Viridi: Shhh, they're going to hear you! We're not supposed to talk about that!
Pit: This isn't how I wanted things to go, but I have to save Lady Palutena! Chariot Master: I understand more than you know. For my own master, I would not hesitate to dirty these hands. Pit: So you serve someone as well? Chariot Master: I did. I've suffered countless war wounds, but none greater than the loss of my master. I once had many comrades in arms, but they, too, have returned to the dust. All I have left in this life are my faithful steeds, Phos and Lux. Pit: Oh... Chariot Master: My body has long since degraded, and now my soul grows thin. The warrior's path inevitably leads to loss. I have no qualms about this. But you are no warrior, angel. Tell me, why do you fight? Pit: I fight for Lady Palutena! And I fight for the people under her protection! Chariot Master: That's not reason enough for an angel. Pit: Who are you to question my reasons? My choices are my own. And I choose to serve the goddess of light! Chariot Master: I admire your conviction. It speaks to the deep reservoir of strength within you. But it also proves you very foolish. And though you may be a servant of the heavens, I will show you no mercy. Pit: And I won't need it! Chariot Master: We understand each other, then. Pit: We do!
Pit: What's happening to you? Chariot Master: Ah heh heh... I seem to have drowned in your reservoir of strength. You've proven yourself worthy of my Lightning Chariot. Pit: Wait... I don't want it to end this way!
Chariot Master: This is the only way things can end, for an old warrior. I have no regrets. I'm trusting you with Phos and Lux, and the future of this realm.
Viridi: He was an honorable warrior. Don't let his death be in vain. Now let's go save Palutena.
Chapter 20
Pit: Gaaaaaaah! My skin feels like it's going to peel right off! Viridi: What was that? You want to go faster?! You are the arrow of light that pierces the heart of darkness!
Palutena: Hello again, Pit. Pit: Lady Palutena! Palutena: Now how did you make it through that barrier? It seems you're not the helpless, sniveling little thing you were before. Pit: You have to stop attacking the humans! Palutena: No, Pit. Don't you see? This is my atonement for my greatest sin. I let the people grow arrogant and betray the heavenly order. Viridi: Oh, jeez. You're just figuring that out now? Pit: You're not yourself! The Lady Palutena I know would never say something like that! Palutena: Please. Angels cannot truly know gods. Pit: I followed your orders because I trusted you. I can't even count all the times I risked my life for you! Viridi: What a sap... Pit: I trusted you because I knew you were on the side of justice and...and light! But something is blocking that light now. This isn't the real you. Viridi:Someone cue the strings...
Pit: Hey, would you mind holding the commentary for just two seconds, Viridi?
Viridi: Why, yes. Yes, I would.
Phosphora: These are goddesses you're talking to here, Pit. Watch your tone.
Pit: Butt out, Phosphora! The goddess of light has turned dark. Skyworld is destroyed! Everything is wrong, and it's up to me to make things right!
Palutena: Oh, Pit. You never change, do you? You're just as naive as ever.
Pit: I'm not naive!
Palutena: Don't get me wrong. I appreciate how easy that's made things for me. But you have to understand, the past is gone.
Pit: Fine. If that's the way you really feel, I guess I have no choice. As the captain of your guard, it's my duty to save you from what you've become. And if saving you means defeating you, then I'll do what I have to do.
Hades: Sorry I'm late! Thanks for clearing the way for me, Pitty Pat. Pit: Hades! Viridi: Oh great. It's Mr. Personality.
Pit: It's a long way down. Viridi: Yes, falling would certainly throw a wrench into the plan. Hades: So would getting tossed by the side winds ahead. My, my, Pitty Pat. Palutena must hate you even more than I do. Pit: This isn't her doing! Palutena: I wouldn't be so sure about that. Pit:What is this, Everyone Pick On Pit Day?
(Should Pit fail the Exo-Tank segment) Hades: Aaaa![2] You fail! Viridi: Try again, Pit. You can do it.
(Should he fail again) Hades: Close. So close. Viridi: Drive right down the center of the course!
Viridi: It's finally time to save Palutena! Hades: "Save Palutena"? Don't you mean "Crush Palutena"? Pit:Go home, Hades. Just go home.
Chapter 21
Pit: Seriously? Now what? Viridi: They seem to be your shadows. Pit: What?! They don't look anything like me! First of all, I'm MUCH more attractive! Viridi: Honestly, it's like you WANT me to insult you. Pit: No! You just do it anyway!
(If Pit fails to shoot down the Chaos Kin at the end of the Air Battle) Pit: No! Viridi: You're out of time. And out of flight. I can't even get you home. I'm sorry Pit...
Viridi: Wave six! Wait, that's a Boom Stomper and some Bumpety Bombs! Those are MY troops too! Viridi: Seeing these copies of my warriors turns my stomach! Pit: Boom Stomper and Bumpety Bomb, eh? You come up with those names yourself? Viridi: Are you getting smart with me? Pit: No, I'm just curious. Viridi: Because I DID come up with those names myself. Aren't they just the cutest? Pit: Right... Cute. Viridi: Bumpety Bomb... (laughs) Have you ever heard anything so adorable?
Viridi: This game universe and that game universe have NOTHING to do with each other! So don't go around spreading rumors!
Dark Pit: Looks like you could use a little help. Pit: I can do this myself. And why are you suddenly so interested in helping me anyway? Dark Pit: While you were a ring? I was less than nothing. Unconscious. Un-MYSELF. We're connected. No you, no me. Two sides of the same coin. Pit: That's crazy! So that's why you have to help me save Lady Palutena! Pit and Dark Pit: OK then. Let's take these enemies down!
Dark Pit: Our Pre-boss-battle rally cry! Pit: Oh, right! Pit: Filth of the land, hear our words! Dark Pit: And see our actions! Pit: I am Pit, servant of the goddess of light! Dark Pit: And I am Dark Pit, servant to no other but myself!
Pit and Dark Pit: Together we will rain death upon you!
Dark Pit: So, anyone who wants to die, step right up!
Pit:And anyone who doesn't want to die, too bad!
Pit and Dark Pit: Aw, yeah!
Pit: You'll pay for what you've done, Chaos Kin! Dark Pit: Eating souls is bad enough, but going after the soul of a goddess is just vile. Viridi: Palutena resisted being consumed for over three years. I have to hand it to her---that takes a certain strength of will. She was waiting for you to return, Pit. I'm sure she used every last ounce of her power to resist. Pit: She must have suffered so much... Dark Pit: There's no point dwelling on this now. We need to take down the Chaos Kin. Pit: You're right!
Chapter 22
Hades: My goodness, it feels wonderful to be on the winning team. Dark Pit: Hold on a second. Your math is a little off. You might wanna break out the Brain Age, pal. Viridi: I have a brain age of 24! Palutena: And that's relevant because...?
Dark Pit: It's been fun touring the City of Souls and all, but we're here to save Pit, right? Palutena: Hey, no need to cop an attitude. Just keep moving forward. Hades: Get a room, lovebirds.
Palutena: This WAS a stream of souls. But so many lives have been lost that it's now a torrent. All souls need to find their final resting place down here so that life can spring anew. That's part of the natural cycle of life. But Hades keeps playing with souls. He won't let them rest. His bloodlust has thrown everything off balance.
Viridi: It's like humans disrupting the balance on Earth! It's unforgivable!
Dark Pit:You've GOT to be joking. ALL you gods and your stupid wars are the ones throwing everything off balance!
Viridi: You little nothing! How dare you!
Palutena:He may have a point. We have the Underworld Army out to horde souls. We have the Forces of Nature trying to wipe out humanity. We have the humans continuing to exploit nature and each other. And we have us--gods--who drag the entire world into our power struggles. But it doesn't matter how this started. Now we know who's profiting from it.
Viridi: Hades! Left unchecked, he threatens us all.
Dark Pit: Then our only option is to take him down.
Viridi: But to do that, we're going to need Pit's help. Let's get him patched up.
Pit: Lady Palutena! Lady Palutena!!! Palutena: Welcome back, Pit! Pit: I've missed you so much! Palutena: I've missed you, too. Let's go home.
Hades: Ooh! Do I spy with my little eye the Three Sacred Treasures? Pit: Even your darkness can't hide from the light! Hades: Now isn't that just... PRECIOUS!
Hades: Having fun, Pitty Pat?! Palutena: Oh, put a lid on it. Pit:Yeah, shut up!
Pit: I'm trapped! Pit: All right, no panicking. Just gotta focus on defeating these enemies. Pit: Cells of Hades, hear my words! And, um... see my actions! Uh... something something... I'm going to rain death on you! Pit: ...I can't remember all the words, but that's the general gist! Hades: My innards have so longed to hear your battle cry. How could you forget the words? Pit: I didn't have time to rehearse! I've been busy fighting evil, okay?
Pit: If only Lady Palutena were here to help me. She'd be so grossed out. Hades: Unfortunately for you, I have a stomach of steel. Pit: So that's why I can't communicate with Lady Palutena. Hades: And you're just lost without her to do all the thinking for you, aren't you, Pitty? Pit: She doesn't do ALL the thinking. I have ideas too. Occasionally. Hades: Then answer me this, little angel. Why exactly are you trying to defeat me? Pit: We're all responsible for maintaining a certain order in the universe. As lord of the Underworld, you know this better than anyone. But your greed has thrown everything out of order. You've overstepped your bounds by exploiting and desecrating souls. And you've disrupted the balance between the earth, the heavens, and the Underworld. Hades:I'm impressed by all the big words you used, but I didn't ask for a sermon. Did you come up with that all by yourself, or did you have some divine inspiration?
Hades: Hahahaha, surprised? Pit: Uh, yeah. How did you just punch yourself?
Hades: Unfortunately for you, there's only one way out. Pit: No no no no nonono! Hades: Cheer up. You've been PRIVY to a side of me that no one else has - my INsides! Hades: And now you'll be privy to the inside of a privy too. Tootle...LOO!
Pit: Hm? What's that? Hades: Viridi can't seem to mind her own business. Pardon me if you will, I must go entertain my guests. Pit: Hello? If Viridi's army is attacking, they're doing it awfully quietly. Pit:(high-pitched) "At least I'M doing something, Pit. You're such a slacker. Ugh!" Pit:(normal voice) I really need to stop talking to myself.
Pit:(high-pitched) "It looks like there's a way forward, Pit!" Pit:(normal voice) Thanks, Lady Palutena! Pit:(high-pitched) "But you have to be careful, Pit. You're too handsome to lose." Pit:(normal voice) Now that's something we can both agree on! ...I'm really starting to lose it.
Dark Pit: If it weren't for that explosion, I never would've found you. Pit: I'm sure glad you did! Palutena: It's good to see you, Pit! Hades:That wasn't very-
Dyntos: Palutena, you'd do well to put a muzzle on your chicken.
Pit: Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting the entire universe.
Dyntos: Here it is. The Great Sacred Treasure! Pit: You're just giving it to me? I don't have to do something horrible first? Dyntos: That depends on your definition of "horrible." Pit: Wait! DON'T SHOOT!
Pit: The Great Sacred Treasure is falling apart! Palutena: No, it's... it's changing shape again! Pit: Mech Armor mode engaged! ...This thing is so awesome.
Viridi: He's covered from head to toe in weaponry. Like a rainbow apocalypse. Hades: I prefer to think of it as my devastation ensemble. I only wear it for very special occasions. You know, weddings, armageddons...
Hades: Plucked at the peak of ripeness! Hades: And now I'll drill through the rind to remove the Pit!
Palutena and Viridi:Medusa!?! Palutena: But... we defeated you! Why are you helping us? Medusa: Hades keeps reviving me, but I won't play the puppet anymore!
Pit: I fight for all creatures living and breathing! I fight for all departed souls still hanging in limbo! But most of all, I fight for Lady Palutena, the goddess of light! And it's in all their names that I will crush you, lord of the Underworld! I won't let you desecrate another soul!
Hades:It's hard to believe... But actually you got me, Pit. The nerve of you.
Pit: Listen to those cheers! We did it! We saved every living thing! Everywhere!!!
Viridi: Hey! Pay attention! I'm talking at you!
Palutena: It's true. Humans are selfish little creatures driven by greed. Sounds a lot like us gods, wouldn't you say? Pit: No way! (laughs) Nobody could be as selfish as the gods! Viridi:(mimicks Pit's laugh).... That's it. I'm done here. You guys can have your happy ending.
The End...?
Hades: Well, I must say I am impressed. Such a teeny little angel defeating such a big, bad god of the Underworld. Why, Pitty... that must make you the most powerful Nintendo character of all time! ...I'm actually rather proud of you. 8-bit Pit would have never made it this far. But don't worry, I'm not going to tear up the credits again, the game really is over. Which is why I'm here to delete your save data! 1-2-3-GONE! (screen goes black... then comes back) Hades: Nawwww, I'm just messing with you. Settle down, your saves are, er, safe. I mean, I don't even have a body anymore. Couldn't delete a save file if I wanted to. I'm not even sure I can be resurrected in this state. There's the real tragedy. This dashing physique, this literally godly body is gone forever? Ladies everywhere are no doubt weeping as we speak! Your fault! Oh well. I'll figure something out. I have, what, 25 years until the next sequel? Anywho, you can always revisit me and other... friends... in the chapters you've beat. You can play our battles over and over again like a favorite book! ...or a broken record! Oh, and if the mood strikes you, throw some hearts into the Fiend's Cauldron. Hearts spice up the difficulty of the level and can net you some sweet rewards! And because I'm not a sore loser, I've unlocked boss battle mode for you. So here's to Kid Icarus: Uprising - my new favorite game of all time. Thanks for playing! Hades... out!
