Monster Cocks

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

Jack Stalker used to have a small problem.

He had no girlfriend (though he fantasized about his co-worker Angela Fine), his boss didn't appreciate him (even though he worked such long hours that he said, Screw it, I'll just sleep at work), he was overworked, and a terrorist group was steadily working at bringing down the digital infrastructure (his efforts to the contrary, incidentally, did not cause his boss to appreciate him more). Jack was falling short in so many ways, it wasn't even funny.

But when he discovered, Jack gained a new lease on life. He stood tall in the face of adversity, swelling with pride as his newfound confidence soon became obvious to all. He stood out amongst his peers, who finally started to see him as the big man on campus. He hardened himself to each new challenge, bursting free of his previous contraints as people gaped in wonder. Penetrating to the hearts and minds of everyone around him, Jack knew that it was time for the world to stop screwing him over.

Yes, sir, Jack is now rid of his small problem.

Now he has a big problem--a big, hungry, deadly problem.

In his pants.

Monster Cocks is a 2008 work of Bizarro Fiction by Mykel Hansen, and is available through as part of a collection entitled Rampaging Fuckers of Everything on the Crazy Shitting Planet of the Vomit Atmosphere. No, really.

Tropes used in Monster Cocks include:
  • After the End: The last chapter, describing how the world was taken over by giant monstrous penises, forcing humanity to live on the ocean.
  • Bigger Is Better in Bed: The theory that led Jack to try all those personal enhancement treatments (all at once, no less), as he was feeling quite inadequate in that area. It backfired.
  • Bizarro Fiction: What was your first guess?
  • Exactly What It Says on the Tin
  • Gag Penis
  • Groin Attack: Used straight in the beginning, as the male enhancement pellets must be injected under the skin of Jack's penis, but inverted later on, as his gigantic, sentient manhood kills and devours several people, and ultimately it and another similarly enhanced penis duke it out, growing to Godzilla size and taking over the world.
  • I Call Him "Mister Happy": Once it gets to a certain size, Jack names his equipment Lassie.
  • Intentionally Awkward Title
  • Organ Autonomy: Jack's enhanced penis knows what it wants, and it always gets what it wants, even if it has to pull free of its host to get it.
  • Planet of Steves: The Chad Squad, who are all named Chad, distinguished only by their last initial.
  • Refuge in Audacity: Just start at the title and walk in a random direction.