Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG

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Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do In An RPG is Exactly What It Says on the Tin — a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for The Loonie, has been banned from doing in Tabletop Games. It is long (2,050 items at last count), imaginative, full of aversions, and often really funny.

The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of Dungeons & Dragons.

Broken down by game system. In some cases, this reveals jokes that wouldn't otherwise be obvious.


Read the full list here:

Compare Skippy's List. Compare and contrast the Evil Overlord List, which is more about becoming Dangerously Genre Savvy. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is Werewolf: The Apocalypse specific.

Tropes used in Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG include:


A

601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch.
616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.
798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
1695. Can't load the shotgun just with rock salt because I'm feeling mean.
1815. Can't have a gun capable of using other PC's as ammo. (Dark Heresy)
2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people.
2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers.

711. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed.

222. Druids are not against my religion.
1902. Playing a Gamorrian doesn't violate anybody's religion.

1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood.

598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence.

550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.
1207. There is no such thing as "ambiguously elven".
1218. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in groups.
1474. The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves.
1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland's GDP does not go to hair care products.
1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves.
1850. There is also an elven word for "heterosexual".
1932. I will stop telling people the elf is openly fey.
1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus.
2274. I am not transelven.
2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot.

14. Ogres are not kosher.

129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
701. Cannot take the moniker "the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist."

1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual.

2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife.

176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.
517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.
563. I can't make anyone Jewish with a called shot.
682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower.
731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display.

1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over.

1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much.
1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker.

11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction - stabbing things.
680. My axe doesn't go off accidentally when I'm cleaning it.
1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker.

1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment.
1960. I will not use the commune spell to find out who is John Galt.

B

1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby.

1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat.

1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.

460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a Necromancer if I'm Lawful Good.

1369. Elves do too have nipples.

64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God".
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live".
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps".
317. My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'.
355. My monk's battlecry is not "Round 1: Fight!"
420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not.
485. My Mossad agent's battlecry is not "Torah, Torah, Torah".
490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dillan is just silly.
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"

1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair.

1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peak at the future. Again.

29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.
395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first.
408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in resources to afford it, I can't have that gun.
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
1068. I cannot have a handgun that starts out doing more damage than most people have wounds.
1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county.
1183. No it won’t help if we put a silencer on the bazooka.
1216. I can’t have a gun that treats buildings as light cover.
1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip. (Dark Heresy)
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (Dark Heresy)
1587. There is no way the Iteration X mage is going to make it through airport security.
1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative.
1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun.
1867. Can't have a gun that reduces people to Rorschach tests.
2003. Any gun who's damage is best described in scientific notation is vetoed.
2067. Can't have a gun that can inflict lethal damage with just the bullet's windshear.

312. I am not the son, father, husband, ex-roommate, former professor or retired garbage man of the villain.
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person.
1810. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me. (Dark Heresy)

301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods.

10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.

887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-Elves do not automatically go both ways.

880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not.

1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.

1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell.
1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn't going to believe I'm the new captain.
1818. Can't make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability.

616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.

28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a safety word.

1749. If my character is a hard drinking, hard partying muslim chick, it's vetoed is she's clearly my Ex.

1185. Paladins do too urinate.

1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check.

502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock".
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.
1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II.

1446. Even if the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pects.

C

48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.

640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut.
1094. My wizard does not need to shout out the name of what he's summoning every time he picks a creature.

781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes."

952. Kiefer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness.
1199. Stan Lee does not have to make a cameo appearance in every single adventure.

90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay.

720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed.

687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark.
1789. Doesn't matter what the map says, can't drive a sports car through the villain's lair.

362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town's population.
1849. There is too an elven word for "monogamy".
1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out.

1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian.
1850. There is also an elven word for "heterosexual".

843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.

240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet.
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.

122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
413. The Chaotic Neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I'm lawful good.
476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil.
863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding TL1 tribes TL12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong.
1592. If the Solar cringes, it's time to reassess my alignment.
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment.

637. German characters do not get a +4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters.
1555. No matter how well I roll on my Intimidate check, France won't surrender.

82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.
1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts.
2214. Deer season is restricted to rifles or bows, not brass knuckles.

1816. The Druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes.

61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.

1901. Even if my Jedi has a Scottish accent, can't have a plaid lightsaber.

233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.
520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin-mounted rectal thermometer.
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks.

80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.
692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman's School.
767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in.
2001. A Saber tooth tiger is not an acceptable second in a duel.
2335. While it is customary to initiate a duel by striking with a gauntlet, it is also customary to do it at subsonic speeds.
2339. When providing pistols for a duel, they both can't be fingerprint locked just to me.
2366. The following are not acceptable seconds in a duel: Space Marine Chapter Masters, Intelligent Dancing Vorpal Swords, Prussia.

130. I am not authorized to form the head.
1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf.

523. When I'm rescued the correct response is "thank you" not "took your freaking time!"

1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy.

950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not.

1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn't immune to, he's immune to it.
1790. Can't find the villain just by casting power word stun in the bar and seeing who's still standing.

604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.

2419. I am required to tell the DM if the secret villain of the adventure is revealed on the back synopsis of the module screen.

1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks.

1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just housecats.

1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of Plot Armor, can't use her for cover.

940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.

374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.

  • Cutting the Knot: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw.

367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
608. The answer to 'who's got point?' is not the fireball.
694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
1019. Even if we have more ammo than fuel, I still have to cut down the tree with the chainsaw, not the HMG.
1267. The lockpicking kit must be more than a sawed off shotgun.
1439. If the top floor is too well defended, can't just blow off the next to top floor.
1907. No putting the villain's fake bio on Match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me.

348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis.
369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure.
1515. The Pope does not have cyberpsychosis.

D

90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay.

336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
977. Disable plot device is not a real skill.
1046. We can’t stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain.

813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet.

835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character.

1597. Devils don't appreciate natural 20's on a bargain check.

1903. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead.

411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing.
1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it.

1745. Contrary to popular belief, mercenaries don't help divorce proceedings.

1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed.

580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. (Dark Heresy)
2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical.

  • Dungeon Bypass: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...

38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin' asteroid.
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
638. The DM is not impressed by me spoiling his well planned ambush by just casting Glassee on the door.
694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
873. I will not combine Thermographic Sights and a gun that can shoot through walls. It makes Black Ops too easy.
1060. I will go into the villain’s lair and take him out the old fashioned way. Not just wait outside his favorite bar with a rifle.
1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon the old fashioned way, and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead.
1072. After rerouting a river through the villain’s lair, I will not pan for gold wherever the river comes out.
1319. I will only use the module’s suggested tactics to stop the ground assault and ignore the squadron of Y-Wings 100 meters away.
1439. If the top floor is too well defended, can't just blow off the next to top floor.
1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window.
1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader.
1701. Can't clear out a dungeon by sneaking in and running a generator while they sleep.
1715. Can't just wizard lock the villain's throne room and come back in two weeks after he's starved to death.
1744. Can't one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense.
1907. No putting the villain's fake bio on Match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me.
2091. Can't just target the villain's star fighter, even if it's the only one of its type in the battle.

421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster.
435. No bribing the DM's new GF with chocolate so he'll go easy on us.
1347. Hooking up with the gamer chick the Storyteller was angling for gets me banned from the game.
1905. No nailing the GM's girlfriend's character.

E

2022. I will refrain from any activity that could turn the entire party into smoking piles of lederhosen.

1139. My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire.

688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.

231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.

    • He also seems to have a particular dislike for pedophiles/ephebophiles.

1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait.
1665. I will not forget to uncuff the pedophile from outside the car before driving back to the station.
1823. Despite what you'd think, taking out a child molester with extreme prejudice doesn't restore my humanity.

1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.

1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.

635. Arguments cannot end with the statement "Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!"

27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.

107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.

56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I'm already 1' tall, furry and a squirrel.
999. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.

1036. My druid can't summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it's not allowed in the rulebook.

108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
530. I cannot earn bonus XP for 'catching air' with an MBT. So stop trying.
643. Even if the rules allow it, I can't gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.
1132. There will be no more debating how much XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth.
1177. I will stop asking NPCs how much XP they are worth.
1215. If I'm just a few XP from 16th level, I can't just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something.

303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds.
452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters.
493. I will not base any Media character off Milo Bloom.
1279. Basing characters off gestalt of historical characters is fine unless it’s Miyamoto Musashi and the mom from What’s Happening.
1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is Lennie Briscoe, he dies.

F

722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again.

366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much.
1283. For the last time, the elf wears the maid disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise.
1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point.
1378. We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of "Hot Gnome on Gnome action."

1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six.
1559. Any mention of Life Day gets everybody a dark side point.

177. Stinking Cloud is a privilege, not a right.
1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel.

53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.

512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill.

1355. Pointing out the massive plothole in the villain's plan is not going to stop her from attacking.

1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later.

1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for Adeptus Astartes.

1786. Albanians do not count as furries.
2153. The "fur" and "lust" domains shall never meet.
2186. My character in an Anthro RPG is meant to be a anime furry cliche, not an escapee from Looney Toons.

G

1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1. (D&D 3.0)

69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. (D&D 3.0)
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (Dark Heresy)

1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check. (D&D 3.0)

1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies. (D&D 3.0)
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things.

160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
1110. Even if I have enough, putting silencers on my minigun doesn’t work.
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun.

181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.

48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.

1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out.

158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. (2nd Ed. D&D)
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission.
723. If my character is related to a god, it can't be as a parent.

1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention.

1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. (2nd Ed. D&D)

88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.

  • Golem: Adds a few more the Monster Manual "forgot".

455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems.
691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem.

13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. (2nd Ed. D&D)
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super NPC to foot the bill. (2nd Ed. D&D)

43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift.
2231. The spell is called Dancing Lights, not Detect Epilepsy.

106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. (2nd Ed. D&D)
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon.
1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default.
1963. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against the dwarf.

103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks (D&D 3.0)
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. (D&D 3.0)
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice. (Cyberpunk 2020)
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis.
1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if it's just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels.
2311. No matter what it would do to his spell casting chances, I can't cast shrink on the necromancer's undies.
2312. You can only make so many called shots to the groin until it's an alignment check.

1193. I will avoid making wishes that lock the game in an infinite time loop.

1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things.

1308: Everybody was not gun-fu fighting.

H

34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
876. If I want to play a rampaging nordic warrior and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can't play her like a rampaging nordic warrior.

224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?

1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn't watch exactly where he lays on hands.

1702. Even if it's historical[ly] accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them.

822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club.

17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
1792. Let's keep the collateral damage to under a billion dollars.

201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.

126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
188. I cannot play an elf with a Scottish accent, nor a Cajun dwarf.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
890. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons.
964. Elves aren't marsupials.
1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons.
1369. Elves do to have nipples.
1616. Despite what the math says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade.
1958. Dwarven breast milk is not 180 proof.
2030. Elves do not get a racial bonus to the skill "Trade: Interior Design".
2120. Elves do not squirt ink out of their nipples as a defense mechanism.
2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened.
2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
2196. When listing the advantages of elves to the new player, I will leave off "shatter proof".
2226. The concept of vowels are not alien to dwarves.
2251. No calling a city councilman to settle an argument about dwarves.
2252. When a dwarf goes to the surface for the first time, I can't cast levitate on him.
2254. Covering myself in mud doesn't make me invisible to the elf.
2274. I am not transelven.
2287. We are not using the dwarf's back hair to make any of the following: rope, sweater, quilt, hot air balloon.
2303. I can't bribe the dwarf with an offer of putting him up for stud.
2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot.
2376. The Dwarven work ethic is not just "Dig until we hit evil."
2388. No matter how high my damage resistance is, I can't name my dwarf Tanky McTankitytank.
2390. The plan is not just let the villain beat on the dwarf until his arm gets tired.
2393. The natural enemy of the elf is not the common cold.
2438. Not starting the adventure until we have exactly one elf in the party is not Tolkienism.
2461. There is no such thing as the Dwarvish Poetry Guild.

31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT.

228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW 2.
1317. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I'm chasing him with a wheat thresher.

1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind.

612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.

Oompa Loompa
Doompity Doo
I've got another puzzle for you.

What do you get when you cut the wrong wire?
A face full of steel and a body on fire!
Why don't you defer to somebody with the skills?
It won't get...it won't get...it won't get you killed...

9. My monk's lips must be in sync.

502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock".
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.

376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.
546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.

  • Hypocritical Humor: Welch apparently hates powergamers enough to get told not to do various things that horribly mess up their game plans... and then just a bit further on he'll get admonished against using a horrifying Game Breaker build/weapon/tactic/etc. of his own. (Granted, those tactics are usually highly imaginative.)

897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off, while actually appreciated, is frowned upon.

    • A few items on his list qualify as well:

268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person.
506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
1455. Like a cow who goes to the well too often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors.[1]
1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities.

I

73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
1359. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the one that the game suggested. (Dark Heresy)
2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance.

1438. You can't find true names in a phone book.

  • I'm a Humanitarian: Apparently, Mr. Welch finds every playable race tasty to some degree. That, or he's played too much Nethack.

14. Ogres are not kosher.
19. Drow are not good eating.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
1433. Zentradi are not good eating.
1649. I can't free the cannibals' prisoners by starting a food fight with them.
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty -->" tabard.
2125. No matter how close to lunch is it, halflings don't have to save vs. cannibalism.

    • Although there are some limits:

855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.

416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot."

1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages.

425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.
1680. The point of the Improvised Weapon Skill is not to see how many different things I can kill people with.
1915. The following are not acceptable specialties for a weapon master: Mustard Gas, Cheese Grater, Sardonicism.

114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet.
2059. Even if I no longer lose SAN around them, no domesticating nightgaunts.

92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond".
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach".
783. The following are not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai llama, Boom Orangutan.
1277. No I can’t have an H. R. Giger Counter.
1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon.
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean all their base belongs to us.
1855. Using a barber's razor as a weapon does not make me a barbarian.
2449. Even if my musketeer just tore Richelieu from the French throne, I didn't just break the Cardinal rule.

1293. I can't avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try.
1404. I will not spoil the adventure's mandatory ambush by using the cheesy tactic of a "scout".

261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.

18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.

1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start.

  • It Makes Sense in Context: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example:

346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.

    • Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future".

J-K

568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.'
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.

174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.

476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil.

85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower.
902. Can't set the bad guy on fire until after I've blown the persuasion roll.
1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my Jedi can’t have a flamethrower.
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can't fish with a flamethrower.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. (Dark Heresy)[2]
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse.
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire.
1733. Dousing a character in beer is acceptable after a victory. Then setting him on fire is not.
1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel.
2187. No matter how many examples I can give, a flamethrower cannot boost morale.
2332. When asked why the Feywild isn't in the campaign, "self inflicted nuclear holocaust" isn't the right answer.
2467. If we have to hide our weapons, no dumping the napalm into the fire sprinkler reserve tanks.
2470. If ordered to see if anybody is in a building, no setting it on fire and seeing if anybody runs out.

1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon the old fashioned way, and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead.
1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn't work.
1900. Verbena are not water soluble.

1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda.

403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.[3]

L

262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.

122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with "a little less lawful, a little more good."
651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.
742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry aren't real alignments either.
1059. Even if the villain is Lawful Evil, slapping a cease and desist order on him isn't going to work.
1420. Doing 50 in a 45 does not cause an alignment check for the paladin.
1532. If its cheaper to buy a new gun than reload the old one, there's a problem.
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol.
 

46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
1428. No spending half the game session seeing what rhymes with Nyarlathotep.

69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
1493. No metamagic feat lets me add fragmentation to my spells.

744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.

1046. We can't stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain.

199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.'
1871. No tricking the techpriest into dividing by zero. (Dark Heresy)

  • The Loonie: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.

1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at Malkavians, kobolds or kender. Or their players.
1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault.
1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing."

  • Loophole Abuse: CONSTANTLY. The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules.[4]

24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
713. Even if the rules allow it, can't sink a battleship with a stapler.
715. Even if the rules allow it, I can't invent the strip joint.
754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can't pick up the bank and walk away with it.
930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn.
948. Even if the rules allow it, I can't catch dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks.
985. Even if it isn't in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else.
1197. Even if the rules allow it, I can't put a spinal mounted weapon on a bicycle.
1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel.
1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence with a katana.
1583. Even if the rules allow it, can't take a prestige class at level 4.
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode. (Dark Heresy)[5]
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus.
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability.
1839. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at me causes a penalty to stealth checks.
1862. Even if the rules allow it, I can't hip shoot a cannon.
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings in his pack without penalty.
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster.
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head does not improve morale. (Dark Heresy)
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists.
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking Mad Scientist.
2155. Getting multiple entries in a game's first errata is not a badge of honor.
2409. My wish cannot include the words "and, additional, furthermore" or any synonyms thereof.
2423. If the party is black tie only, that doesn't mean just painted on the power armor.

423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
1914. Can't abuse the boggan's weakness to get free babysitting.

76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
61. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.

51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
661. The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score.
972. "Threesome" is not a specialty of the seduction skill.
1240. No matter what the dice say, I didn’t just seduce Chun Li. And Cammy.

510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
1662. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony.
1690. I don't get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.
1867. Can't have a gun that reduces people to Rorschach tests.

M

1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.

97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'.
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.
745. Can't wish I was the GM.
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?"
981. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok.
1130. I cannot wish we were playing the previous edition of the game.
1153. I can't wish to change my vote on what module we're playing.
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.
1193. I will avoid making wishes that locks the game in an infinite time loop.
1242. I can't wish that somebody competent wrote this module.
1502. My first wish can't be to invalidate the previous character's last wish.
1516. I will not wish we were still playing Torg.
1553. I can't wish my girlfriend was hot like you.
1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes.

145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
1511. No using the time machine to set the "Star Spangled Banner" to anything by White Zombie.
1634. If it's revealed Shakespeare was the author of Funky Cold Medina my time machine privileges are revoked.
1703. The time machine is not for finding ringers for our baseball team.

5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
1917. "The ability to do anything, as long as it's not that hard" is not a real superpower.

675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the Identical Twin advantage 22 times.

116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.

1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.

1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer.

24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
999. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.
1512. My canine officer can't spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas.
1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can't recruit the deer to replace him.
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line.
2193. Inspire Courage is a great super power, unless you use it to get hordes of innocent bystanders to bum rush the super villain.
2199. No animal companions come in their prehistoric version.
2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.

617: the forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo

1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games.

932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.

15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.
557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it.
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name.
749. There is not a Spent Clip Fairy.
803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there's a problem.
868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it's range.
872. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before I even pass through it is vetoed.
925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.
1044. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can't impact the total world supply.
1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel.
1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999.
1532. If its cheaper to buy a new gun than reload the old one, there's a problem.
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol.
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun.

1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power.

    • Enforced in by at least one of his Dungeonmasters.

1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.

59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.

7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
566. When confronted with a haunted house with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank.
691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
1019. Even if we have more ammo than fuel, I still have to cut down the tree with the chainsaw, not the HMG.
1030. No matter how much he pisses me off, I will not raise the barbarian’s dead mother-in-law.
1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.
1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill out wikipedia articles.
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn. (Dark Heresy)
1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the 'Sonnet' Specialization.
1621. No using the Reduce spell to only to buy a child's ticket at the movies.
1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes.
1697. Can't use the Decanter of Endless Water for water skiing, the Jacuzzi, or a wet tabard contest.
1773. Can't use a wish spell to make the last Star Wars trilogy not suck.
1774. Battle Mauls can't double as coup sticks.
1914. Can't abuse the boggan's weakness to get free babysitting.
1948. Having an electrotech in the party doesn't mean I get to leave my phone charger at home.
1991. Medium Well is not a phaser setting.
2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift.
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line.
2349. No finding industrial uses for Darkspawn.

219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".

1976. The identify spell doesn't work on mystery meat.

N

204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
760. Can't use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself.
1718. I don't have to name everything we discover after myself.

1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women.

111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
642. My character's grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.

141. My maid does not know kung fu.

63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
101. I am not allowed to pave anything.
114. The demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once.
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?"
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence.
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.
1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly TPK'd by a jerboa.

561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce.

649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find.

O

3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray.

38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
922. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout.
1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn't kill the villain with the first shot of the combat.
1256. ‘Ignore the metaplot’ is also not an acceptable super power.
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby.
1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader.
1843. Can't land the drop pod on the villain.
1881. No shooting the Quarren at the start of the adventure, even if it would have immediately solved the last four adventures instantly.
1898. No hiring Anakin Skywalker some Twilek hookers, thus removing his reason to become Vader.
1981. No wrecking the Millennium Falcon in the prologue.

1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet.

951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement.

288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
882. I will not convince the party to name all the characters the same thing.

1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly.
1534. I will raise my hand if I've already heard the DM's riddle.

39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'.
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.
559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can't offer his accordion.
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods.
2386. There is no such thing as gnomeophobia.
2387. I will not give anybody an unreasonable fear of gnomes.

13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.
853. Even if I'm faced with yet another Get of Fenris Lupus Ahroun, I will not refer to him as CliChe Guevara.

P

1848. Slapping a fake mustache on the freeboota doesn't count as a disguise check.
1928. Nobody is going to buy the disguised wookie as a jawa with a pituitary problems.

213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
1238. No making up Patron Saints.
1527. There is no Patron Saint of the Dodecahedron.

333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means.
1682. Snufficate is not a real way to kill somebody.

1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.

  • Playing Against Type: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot to allay suspicions, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario.)

1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character.
2068. If my character's name is not an anagram, I will tell the DM before he spends 30 minutes rearranging letters.

447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round.
1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of plot armor, can't use her for cover.

146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
1459. Even if the game is set in 1912, the female characters get a vote on the party's action.[6]

1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it's made out of.

51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.
893. Invisibility is all or nothing, can't just target their clothes.
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.
1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean 'he likes to watch'.

211. If, at any point, my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, he dies.

131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.'
1899. The target's current zip code has no bearing on my called shot.

R

262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.

4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.

230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place.
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. (Dark Heresy)[7]

1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation.
1728. Can't have a gun that doubles as a jump jet.

1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date.

134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt."

314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'.
842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.

606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.
1564. Superspeed gives immunity to friction.

305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing.
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
2037. No matter how many times it's already been retconned, I can't change the story of the origins of the Sith every time we play.

704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.

542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything.

  • Rules Lawyer: Too many items on the list begin with the phrase "Even if the rules allow it" to be listed here. See "Loophole Abuse" above for a sample.

S

526. If an NPC is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two."

138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
829. Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss.
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN.
2357. 4Chan does not cause more sanity loss than Cthulhu.

532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.

513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending.

339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter."

  • Screw You, Elves: Mr. Welch seems to relish in tormenting the pointy-eared folk and their players.

55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put in a good word for me with Santa.
472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf," I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl for the same reason miners need canaries.
997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
1054. I will call the elf druid by his real impossibly long elf name, and not just Llanowar Leafblower.
1055. I will also not simply refer to the elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie.
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.
1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male.[8]
1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II.
1410. Bleaching the drow won't help.
1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping.
1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown.
1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him.
1874. Even if elves are a dying race, can't start a forced breeding program.
1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit.
1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you?
1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default.
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.

119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
1230. It's okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can't name my Garou Namflow.

71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser.
328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting.
393. If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option.
1073. Just because the game left the rules for stun setting grossly unbalanced doesn’t mean I have to take advantage of it.
1989. Can't set the Death Star to stun.

1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack.

23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.

389. My Samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster.

1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.

99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
743. Even if the rules allow it, can't takes out an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug.
798. Assault Shotguns are not hostage situation-appropriate weapons.
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.
973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns.
1962. There is more combat than a called shot to the face with a double barrel, despite what the dice say.
2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus.

25. The green elf does not need food badly.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God".
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom".
143. Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.
409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile.
469. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings' room.
529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho.
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"
931. No one's afraid of plants.
936. 'The power of Christ compels me' does not justify my Blessed's actions.
996. Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies.
997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
1012. Note to self: Lightsaberchucks...BAD IDEA
1014. I will stop blaming every massacre we come across on Decepticons.
1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every police box we pass.
1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok after midnight.
1222. It's a strangehold. Not an Ogrun neck pinch.
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "How appropriate, You Fight Like a Cow".
1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops Operation: Mimecrime.
1356. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I shoot a shield with a lasgun. (Dark Heresy)
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting his dire tiger green and orange.
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should drop a house on the witch.
1509. No part of the Constitution is written in invisible ink.
1541. While highly effective, grabbing a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned on.
1618. Any character even remotely resembling Mr. B Natural is dead before the first dice are rolled.
1643. Despite precedent, if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard.
1710. "Mooning M. Bison" is not an appropriate stunt action.
1716. Summon Para-Legal Elemental is not a real spell.
1736. Can't name my rabbit familiar Watership.
1854. TSR is not hiding Golden Tickets in Mystara Gazetteers.
1868. Playing the Who doesn't give me a bonus to forensics checks.
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we douse him with hot water.
2105. Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf by smearing myself with mud.
2400. Just because I have the technology, doesn't mean I need to make him better.
2462. My paladin does not have fourth, classified, oath known only to Omnicorp.

1333. I will tell the Noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start.

329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.

16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
1213. No, we can't see if the party can beat Temple of Elemental Evil in under an hour.

68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.

88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.
343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard.
867. We can't all play bards just to relive our favorite Spinal Tap moments.
1489. My bard will not stop every passing minstrel for a round of Dueling Banjos.
1643. Despite precedent, if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard.
1826. Before we have the bard loot the dungeon, make sure he's clear on the spelling.
1974. Despite what the rules say, you don't have to be a 19th level bard to play Alice's Restaurant Massacre.
2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift.
2385. Doesn't matter where you hit him, you can't set a bard to shuffle.
2454. My bard is now required to take a long rest between performances of Tarzan Boy.
2455. Can't name my aasimar bard Petra Stryper.
2456. Aasimar bards know more songs than just Disney tunes.
2457. My aasimar bard is not allowed to resemble any member of the Wiggles.
2460. A bard that plays like Bob Dillon is awesome. A bard that talks like Bob Dillon not so much.
2461. There is no such thing as the Dwarvish Poetry Guild.

588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it?

1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform.

15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
1925. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me.
2230. Even if we were told to use all of it, can't use the extra explosives for public displays of affection to my girlfriend.

46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.

583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned.

43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.

T

76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.

1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak in Leet.
1243. Even if the game is dreadfully repetitive, our party's motto can't be 'Wash, Rinse, Repeat'.
1464. Cannot use the requisition skill to get a beach house in the Virgin islands, even if Congress can.
1773. Can't use a wish spell to make the last Star Wars trilogy not suck.
1782. I will remember we're playing 4th edition and stop using my imagination.
2159. Just because my media only put the bare minimum into his journalistic skills doesn't mean he starts at MSNBC.

171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur."

433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer.
859. I will concede we're on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters.

1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them.

411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing.
1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing the target.

1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.

383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.
1016. Even if spells are use them or lose them, I will not waste Meteor Swarms on a goblin.
1167. I can stop rolling at 7x dead.
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A.
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (Dark Heresy)
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment.
1595. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder.
2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus.
2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.
2429. Can't apply the holy avenger traits to siege weapons.
2472. The rest of the party would like to know why I'm putting all my skill points into nuclear warhead.
2473. Even if the rules allow it, I don't get a sustained fire bonus for nuclear weapons.

268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person.
1893. Can't take Speaks in Third person quirk just so I can use the lyrics to Battery as an attack plan.

159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock.
1201. 'Just blow them out the airlock' is not a backup First Contact Protocol.
1650. Venting non-essential crew to the void before payday is not an acceptable cost cutting measure.

518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow.

189. Tourette's is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.

1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren't going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor.

1396. No matter his condition, we aren't selling the villain's corpse as modern art.

738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal.

U

1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.

472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf", I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm.
1875. Before I make the seduction check, I will reread the description of the swinging knack.

459. The vampire clan with vicissitude is not pronounced 'Karl'.
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce.

12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.

1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram.

V

26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.

  • Vampire Hunter: He hunts bloodsuckers with extreme prejudice, it seems.

30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
454. No staking a vampire with anything larger than his chest cavity.
565. My vampire hunter can't have anything he saw on an infomercial at 3am on PBS.
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place for hunting vampires.
686. My vampire hunter does not take the "un" out of "undead".
1113. I will not shoot vampires in the chest with a large pistol just so they have to explain the embarrassing sucking chest wound.
1116. Add Bulldozers to the list of things vampires are allergic to.
1403. Can't use dominate to make vampires forget to change their clocks for Daylight Savings Time.
1521. While not lethal, Ferris Wheels aren't exactly healthy to vampires.
1851. Can't use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires.

478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!"
502. If my character is not named "Grimlock," I cannot start every sentence with "Me Grimlock!"
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.

401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.

748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection.

W

313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.

227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish".
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
653. Cannot wish for the party to have Common Sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.

390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics.

37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.

206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.

450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. (D&D 3.5)
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing. (D&D 3.0)
739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first. (Cyberpunk 2020)
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building. (Cyberpunk 2020)
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks. (Cyberpunk 2020)
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him. (Aeon Trinity)
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire. (Aeon Trinity)
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an Aztec bar mitzvah. (D&D 3.5)
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text. (Cyberpunk 2020)
2183. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a called shot to his appendix.
2206. Create a distraction doesn't mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance.
2475. When told to distract the enemy, they didn't mean with a called shot to their flamethrower.

597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me.

334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats.

250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use.
1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging only into the '93 San Diego Padres is not.

28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. (D&D 3.5)
596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them. (D&D 3.5)
730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip. (Adventure)
1648. Even if we are playing in the old west, can't spend all my money on leather, whips and barbed wire. (Deadlands)
2116. One does not just 'whip up' a priestess of Loviator. (D&D 3.5)
2494. Gaining weapon mastery in the whip and earning a venomous snake as my animal companion are mutually exclusive achievements.

69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
381. Min/Max for combat=good. Min/Max for accounting=bad.
1195. I will not min/max the appraise skill just to clean up on The Price Is Right.
1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.

1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.
2475. When told to distract the enemy, they didn't mean with a called shot to their flamethrower.

1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug.

Y

1798. Can't start every game breaking out of jail.

212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
1688. Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn't mean the Barbarian needs rehab.

351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast.
739. Can't make the Black Ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
814. Sending the villain a Nymph stripper only works once.
1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it's true.

1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.
1881. No shooting the Quarren at the start of the adventure, even if it would have immediately solved the last four adventures instantly.

1022. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live.

344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode.

  1. ↑ (...And it's actually a simile. Inside a metaphor.)
  2. ↑ Exterminator cartridge. They even added errata for this.
  3. ↑ (That's because he entered it wrong.)
  4. ↑ Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.
  5. ↑ The result of Damage Typing and taking damage from failed attempts at medicine
  6. ↑ (What about areas where women already had the vote pre-1912?)
  7. ↑ Explanation: "Mono" upgrade originally applied to "any close combat weapon". The errata fixed this to «primitive close combat weapon» (i.e. not chainswords, shock staves, etc) and «may be applied to any melee weapon, but when applied to close-combat weapons that do not use an edge (e.g., hammers, mauls, etc.) it is defined differently. […] For example, a hammer with the Mono upgrade is defined as having a pneumo-shock enhancement. The in-game effects remain the same».
  8. ↑ (Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)
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