Never Mind the Buzzcocks/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • The episode with the bizarre and probably drunk Donny Tourette, from the rubbish and useless wannabe-punk band Towers Of London. He runs off, then returns, only to start rubbing host Simon Amstell's nipples...? There's also Simon's "authentic punk dancing", the fact that the other guests on the show begin to mock and ridicule him with increasing obviousness (which, for the most part, he is either too vacant or vain to even notice) and the sheer awfulness of Donny's attempts at humour (at one point the audience groaned at a "joke" of his, and he snapped "Oh, for f$&k's sake, not very sharp, are you!?", to which Simon replied "Yeah, it was definitely their fault"), including accusations that the show's regulars would "be at home on the streets."

Simon Amstell: Let me explain. Bill is a professional comedian. You won't win!

    • Same episode:

Donny Tourette: The only reason I'm on the show is 'cause you told everyone you fancied me, dude!
Simon Amstell: It's not, it's 'cause we have difficulty booking people!

    • Same episode:

Donny Tourette: Yeah, well here's what I think of you! [grabs his own crotch in an insulting gesture]
Simon Amstell: You think of me a small penis? Well I never!

  • Even funnier than that is a scene is the first episode of Series 22 which involves Phill Jupitus and Simon Amstell miming "No Air" in reference to the absence of Bill Bailey, it's much better watching it.
  • The 'Gay-Off' between Simon Amstell and John Barrowman ("You've out-gayed me, Barrowman!")
    • From the same episode:

John Barrowman: Does a vagina wiggle? Not that I've ever seen one. So please, inform me.
Simon: Well, I'm not an expert...
Phil Jupitus: There's nothing quite like the TV stylings of two homosexuals talking about fannies...

  • From the Doctor Who-themed special, the following pair of anecdotes read after the first round:

David Tennant: McFly's song contained the lyrics "Nothing on Earth could save us when I fell in love with Uranus," which, as it happens, was a line removed from the pilot episode of Torchwood. [shakes fist] Barrowman! [growls] Dougie once received a thong in the post that had "Turn your erection in my direction" written on it. [shakes fist] Barrowman!

    • Not to mention when Tennant begins to read out a joke about Kylie Minogue's favourite bra selling for six grand on eBay, and Bernard Cribbins immediately asks "D'you wanna see it?" before he can get to the punchline. (Tennant then says that Cribbins' ad-lib was funnier than the scripted punchline.) Indeed, Cribbins' Deadpan Snarkery prompted Noel to suggest that he should come and write for The Mighty Boosh.
    • Or Catherine Tate flailing to remember the name of a Kylie Minogue song during the Intros Round, or her panicked guess at the lyrics to Bowie's song "Space Oddity" during "Next Lines" -- "Ground Control to Major Tom....something about the cigarettes...do something with your haiiiiiiir....."
    • Or Noel's team having to pick Dr. Feelgood bassist John B. Sparks out of a line-up including a Dalek; they speculate that the real Sparks is probably hiding in the Dalek casing.
    • That whole episode.
  • Simon Amstell's reaction to Preston storming off in a huff after reacting very badly to being made fun of: a nonchalant "Oh no, we can't lose Preston."
    • The moment also provides a Crowning Moment of Awesome mixed in - Bill Bailey immediately went into the audience, found a man who looked a little like Preston, and convinced him to sit in for the rest of the show. The stand-in almost immediately proved himself a more good-humoured participant than Preston had been.
  • Simon's hilariously bitchy exchange with Noel Fielding about his brand of humour.

Noel Fielding: Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow.
Simon Amstell: (sarcastically) With a pair of scissors made of glitter?
Noel Fielding: No, with a motorbike made of jealousy!

    • This exchange was worth noting too. Simon had a go at Noel for not inviting him out to go partying with people like Courtney Love.

Noel Fielding: (to guest) You know Courtney Love, don't you?
Guest: Yeah, I know Courtney.
Simon Amstell: Everybody knows Courtney Love.
Noel Fielding: She'd crush you like a Twiglet.
Simon Amstell: She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide.

      • A caption then flashes up on the screen saying SIMON AMSTELL IS DEFINITELY WRONG. Presumably to make sure The BBC didn't get sued.
    • And let's not forget Richard Fleeschman's epic comeback at Simon near the end. Simon, as per usual, had been taking the piss out of him for various things, including the fact that he once won Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes with a Will Young song. Obviously, the Next Lines round contained a line from Will Young:

Simon: "I think I better leave right now..."
Richard: "...before I fall any deeper."
Simon: Correct. I prefer the Fleeschmann version.
Richard: If you must know, I did "Evergreen". Do your research. Lamarr would have done it.

  • The intros round when Bill Bailey keeps on trying to give silly answers, while Mark flips out and attacks him with the cards. It's funnier than it sounds.
  • And the episode where Ricky Wilson was guest hosting, and in the last round of questions Phill kept answering by singing Kaiser Chiefs songs. "We've only got one album, you're going to run out eventually!"
    • From the same episode, Ryan Jarman's claim: "I invented Live8." He then goes on to justify this claim.
    • "I'm contractually obliged to say 'I predict a laugh riot!' I feel so dirty."
  • From an episode in which a culture-shocked Kelly Roland tries to make sense of British humour:

Kelly Roland: (flicking water at Simon) The power of Christ compels you.
Simon: (deadpan) I'm a Jew.

  • The entirety of Rhod Gilbert's stint as host, from his very Welsh take on the opening round, "Whoop Whoop Dat's Da Sound of Da Police" (Phill: "I always wondered what it would sound like if Snoop was from the valleys!"), to his bitchfest with Greg Davies during the Intros round ("What do you use to put your ruddy glasses on, you dick?"), to his accidentally reading out some of the answers in the Next Lines round, and especially this exchange with Noel Fielding (gibberish talker extraordinaire):

Rhod: At the end of that round... you didn't score very much.
Noel: You were panicking more than we were. I mean, there was a sense of urgency.
Rhod: Yes, there was a sense of urgency! It's a sense of urgency 'cause that's meant to be a quick-fire round! That's not panicking!
Noel: But you're Welsh, and with a sense of urgency! He's American! He had no fucking idea what you were talking about!
Rhod: Yeah. I know, I am one for talking gibberish, Noel.

  • This exchange between Simon and Melanie C. (AKA Sporty Spice):

Simon: Do you put condoms on a man before you have intercourse?
Melanie C.: Do you?
Simon: ... We just cuddle.

  • When asked to find a connection between Status Quo (whose lineup includes Francis Rossi) and the Pips (Gladys Knight's backing group)...

Phill: Well, Rossi is the name of a famous Italian ice cream manufacturer.
Rick Wakeman: Oh yeah! And the Pip in the middle plays the cornet!

Mark: "Vindaloo, Vindaloo, Vindaloo, Vindaloo...?"
Meat Loaf: "Oh burn burn burn in the ring of fire went down down down!"

  • Sir Terry Wogan's impersonation of Louis Walsh. Noel Fielding then commented that he couldn't get over the hilarity of it.
  • In the Intros round of the Lee Mack-hosted episode of Series 24, Phill sang the opening guitar riff to Blur's "Country House", and Lee immediately interrupted by singing "Batman!" (the aforementioned riff sounding uncannily like the guitar riff from the theme to the Batman television series); Phill then made a second attempt after extracting a promise that Lee wouldn't sabotage the opening again, and this time Lee led the entire audience in a chorus of "Batman!" He insisted that twice was enough and three times would be overdoing the joke, but after Phill sang the opening riff for the third time, he stopped and glared at Lee, who simply shrugged innocently... and then a random audience member yelled "Batman!"

Noel: Lee, that was my fault, I put the Riddler on the guest list!

  • One episode involves Jack Dee (as guest host) and Jedward (as Noel's guests). Hilarity Ensues, at one point leading Phil Jupitus to tell Jedward "...in terms of this show, you do make Dappy look like Stephen Fry."
    • Oh, it goes far beyond that. Phill bellows at them to "SHUT UP!", and then during the Identity Parade, first Phill and Noel switch teams, and then they swap Jedward for Pat Sharp (who was in both line-ups as part of a gag).
  • On the series 8 Christmas special, a live Intros round with Bill Bailey (before he became a team captain) and Rick Wakeman in wizard outfits. and they keep inserting Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer into the songs, against Mark's wishes.
  • As mentioned on the main page under Bilingual Bonus, Sean once used Gaelic profanity to determine who was the real Linda Nolan. However, what was really great about that round was that one of the contestants was Athelston. Really, though, any time they bring out Athelston or a pirate is usually golden.
  • In series 21, during an intros round:

Simon: We also heard "Let's Dance" by David Bowie. David Bowie played Pontius Pilate in "The Last Temptation of Christ". I'm not saying he was wooden, but a certain Mr. Jesus Christ was nailed to him.

    • Immediately after, the lights around began to flash and we heard a voice say, "Congratulations! It's the worst joke of the show!" Simon immediately shook hands with Phil, then guests Jermaine Jackson and David Cross.
  • Guest Alexander O'Neal's surprise rap during a question on "Bob The Builder" during Series 10.

Mark: I bet you're like me. You never thought when you woke up this morning, you'd see Alexander O'Neal putting the smackdown on Bob the Builder.

    • Later during the question, Mark had to set a firecracker off to liven things up.

Mark: And I want a baked potato. You would clap fireworks, wouldn't you?

  • In a series 9 episode, during the intros round, Phill and guest Tony Mortimer had to get guest Jon Culshaw to identify "Burn, Baby Burn" by Ash. After they first do it, John just can't figure it out, even with Phill imitating part of the song in Jon's face. Mark asked them to do it again, but longer. They do, but Tony breaks up whil Phill continues.

Mark: You see, these batteries last a lot longer.

    • Immediately, Jon asked the opposing team.

Sean: What if Tony Blair was guessing? (winks to the camera)
Jon: (as Tony Blair) Well, if I think Tony Blair was guessing, he would not know the answer, either.

    • Jon then requested Mark to act it out. Mark immediately pulled out a lighter and pretended to light a piece of paper on fire. Jon got it right away.

Mark: Sorry, I meant to say... (taps his nose and points to Jon)

  • After Mark reveals he has a crush on Bjork, Phill does his impression of her (but really, it's pretty hard to transcribe):

Phill: "Whee, hnip, znip, whee, hnipzip whee (Shocking Swerve) as a boy..."

  • Phill, Tony Wright and Howard Jones come up with an Indecipherable Lyrics for "Brass in Pocket" by the Pretenders, creating a story about Chrissie Hynde going diving with a German decorator called Dieter and his brother Gunther. When she's discovered to have no passport, she gets out of it by cooking them a meal and/or giving out sexual favours:

"Dull mushrooms, strained emulsion. Been diving Dieter Lehning. No visa, so send some police in. Gonna bake you, bake you, bake you lettuce! Gunther, use my arse! Gunther, use old eggs! Gunther use mustard! Gunther use my sausage! Gunther use my fiddlers! Gunther, use my, my, my, mashed potatoes!"

    • Actual lyrics:

"Got motion, restrained emotion. Been driving, Detroit leaning. No reason, just seems so pleasing. Gonna make you, make you, make you notice! Gonna use my arms! Gonna use my legs! Gonna use my style! Gonna use my sidestep! Gonna use my fingers! Gonna use my, my, my, imagination!"

  • In another round of Indecipherable Lyrics from season 1, using the song "Scum" by Napalm Death. The "lyrics" to decipher are basically guttural growling into the microphone, which Phil interprets as "I bought a lovely donkey at Widdecombe Fair." Seen here.
  • In a Series 8 episode, during a round of Band Names, Phill redubbed the music video for Procol Harum's "A Whiter Shade Of Pale" to make it sound like an ad for Lord Lucan's Fashion House.
  • The time Mark mentioned every Spice Girl in a joke in almost every round, including the Identity Parade.
  • In the first episode, Bruce Dickinson really gets into the first round, jumping up on the table and flipping around. He has a few you can see in the first part of the episode
  • In the debut of the round "Word Up", Phill's team is asked to identify the meaning of the word "Bismillah" in Bohemian Rhapsody.

Phill: Does it mean "four men in a dark room trying to blow out a very high candle"?

  • When Keith Chegwin appeared in Series 4, the first round can be summed up in this single quote (watch the episode to find out why):

Phill: We turned up in the studio, there was some load of old wank about pirates, then Cheggers started talking about walloping! It's been a nightmare night out!

  • In Series 6, Mark once offered bonus points to anyone who insulted R.E.M. singer Michael Stipe.

Sean: What a tosser he is.
Mark: One point!

  • The episode where a Bill Bailey look-alike was in the line up.
  • From Series 25, Phil Jupitus being painted to look like a "dirty panda."
  • Series 25 Episode 4 ended in a tie. The tiebreak question was "How many Mobys?"
  • Series 21 Episode 4 had a brief quiz game called "Davro or Dennis?", where Simon read out facts about either Les Dennis or guest Bobby Davro and the teams had to guess which one it applied to. Noel pressed the buzzer, not to answer but just to press the buzzer, and a buzzer war between Noel and Phill ensued with Simon pathetically trying to take control.

Simon: Quiet, please!
Phill: Simon, get the phone!
Noel: Simon, you're like one of those useless supply teachers.
Simon: WE WORKED REALLY HARD ON DAVRO OR DENNIS!

  • In series 12, episode 9, we're shown a shot of Brian May looking exceptionally smug. Bill's team spend a minute just coming up with things he might be smug about.

Bill: I've just re-wired my house. (nods smugly)
Barry Cryer: I do my own conveyances! (nods)
Bill: I took the time to do it right. (nods)
Mark: I've just bought a Breville, and made myself a nice cheese toastie. (nods)

Bill: My hands are immersed in cream. (nods) I've got a faulty appliance, but I kept the receipt! (nods)

  • In series 22, episode 7, Simon appears in a fuzzy pink rabbit suit in an effort to prove that the show is nothing but good, clean family fun. His guileless protestations of "But I'm a rabbit!" every time he's accused of lewd behaviour are priceless.
  • When Mark gave a Crosses the Line Twice speech borrowing liberally from every generic tribute to every dead musician, but about the 'death' of Michael Bolton's hair. Complete with Elton John tribute song, Tangled In The Wind.
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