None Piece

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Coby: That particular naval base captured one of the most terrible pirates known to man. Luffy: JOHNNY DEPP IS NOT THAT BAD! Coby: No. No! Luffy: I've faced him before. [under breath] Cross Depp reference off the list. Coby: Zoro! Luffy: ANTONIO BANDERAS!? [boat spontaneously combusts] [Beat] Coby: Boat's on fire. Luffy: We don't need no water, let the motherf-ker burn! [fire continues to spread] —Episode 2, pretty much summing up how absurd the series is.

None Piece is a One Piece Abridged Series by Purpleeyeswtf, who also created Code MENT. It can be found here. It cuts out the filler, the plot and the sanity (not that One Piece had much to begin with) leaving short, sweet and mind bending masterpieces. Has to be seen to be believed.

Tropes used in None Piece include:

• Abusive Parents: Luffy claims that his parents gave him the first name "Monkey" because they hated him. Later, Zoro has the same explanation for why his first name is "Zolo".

Luffy: Sucks to be you.

• The Alcoholic: Shanks.
• Aside Glance: Episode 2

Luffy: [thinking] This place is built like a librarian's miniskirt! [turns to camera] The f**k are you lookin' at?

• Badass Beard/Badass Moustache: Luffy and Zoro have a battle of the beards at the end of episode four. Zoro wins.
• Bond One-Liner: Appropriately enough for someone that talks like Sean Connery.

Luffy: Time to switch condiments, 'cause that weaksauce ain't working.

• Brave Scot: Luffy, who has the voice of Sean Connery. Often falls into Violent Glaswegian tendencies, though.

[swiftly punches Helmeppo in the face] "God, that was unnecessarily violent!"

• Breath Weapon: Luffy can spit up knives and vicious cats.
• Brick Joke: Zoro beats up Helmeppo for "wearing a purple suit in public". Later, he tells his dad that Luffy hit him.

Capt. Morgan: Were you wearin' the purple suit? Helmeppo: Yes- Capt. Morgan: Then you deserved it!

• The Cameo: Little Kuriboh as Shanks in episode 3.
• Camp Gay: Helmeppo, with a lisp to boot.
• Captain Obvious: Discussed, leading into a subverted You Have Outlived Your Usefulness moment:

Marine Officer: Ah, shit! Sir, I dinged your statue. Capt. Morgan: Thank you, Lieutenant Obvious. Officer: Sir, it's Captain, sir. Morgan: Yes, yes, I am. Officer: Obvious, sir? Morgan: Obviously I'm a captain. Officer: Sir, I'm confused Morgan: Well you're definitely not cut out to be captain then, huh? [beat] Carry on, Lieutenant. Officer: I'm a corporal Morgan: You would be! Officer: Would be what, sir? Morgan: [raises his axe-hand] Officer: [in his head] Worth It. [cue Luffy distracting them both]

• Cloudcuckoolander: Luffy; especially in the "Pirates and/or Ninjas" video.

"When a woman needs to be comforted, she tells you it's time to buy more shoes. But she has all the shoes, so we really know she just needs boots. Now everything makes sense... Forever."

• • Zoro also appears to be one of these.
  • And Nami is definitely one.
• Cluster Bleep Bomb: Used for the Episode 3 opening and when Nami hurts her leg.
• Colbert Bump: Possibly got more attention after Little Kuriboh put episode 2 in his YouTube favorites.
• Continuity Nod: Coby mentions that his best bet is to become a marine, which alludes to the actual series.
• Crossover: "Pirates and/or Ninjas", with Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show and, to a lesser extent, Code MENT and Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series.
  • Another crossover on Episode 7 of Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, as Gilligan's Father.
• Death Glare: Zoro gives one to a little girl when she questions his claim that Animal Crackers are truly "the snackfood of the gods".
• Department of Redundancy Department:

Morgan: You will die so bad you will be dead and then you will stay dead!

• Dude, Not Funny: Invoked by Mohji and his spastic colon. He dares them to make jokes about it. They only stare at him in horror.
• Entendre Failure:

Luffy: You should know one thing about me: Everything is made of rubber! And before you even ask: yes, yes it is. Alvida: What the hell are you talking about? Luffy: My father was a test tube and my mother was a rubber band!

• Everything Is Better With Spinning: Sure takes care of lions

Luffy: You've been a very bad kitty! Spin you dumb animal! Spin until you are dead!

• Fate Worse Than Death:
  • Apparently being married to Nami:

Nami: Best honeymoon ever. Luffy: Kill me. Nami: (laughs) Oh, pay him no mind. (lowers her voice) Unless you wanna die. (makes phbbt noises with her tongue) Luffy: (gun appears next to his head) DO IT!

• Genre Savvy: Capt. Morgan.

Capt. Morgan: Son, I look like a bond villain and there's a guy who talks like Sean Connery running around! Shit is about to go down!

• Gilligan Cut

Nami: Can you do me a favor? Luffy: So long as I don't get roped into anything stupid. *Nami has Luffy tied up with a rope.* Luffy: Wow! I actually felt myself die a little inside!

• Gory Discretion Shot: When Luffy beats up some thugs in episode one.

Luffy: Didja see that one, lad? His pancreas came right out his tearduct!

• Groin Attack:

Pirate: (after being kicked in the balls) "My only weakness! MY BALLS! How did you know?!"

• Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Luffy, all the freaking way.

"Those passengers aren't just gonna kill themselves, ya know!"

• I Do Not Own: Each episode starts with the standard abridged series disclaimer but it's only on screen for about a second before cutting to the episode proper.

Luffy: Read the disclaimer!

• Incendiary Exponent: Every 5 minutes, something will burst into flames.
• Incoming Ham:

"Bold words coming from someone not on a unicycle."

• Insane Troll Logic: All over the place. But especially Zoro in episode 4.

*After Buggy has stabbed Zoro in the back* Zoro: "DAMMIT! YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!" Buggy: "..." Zoro: "FUCK! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! GOD!" Buggy: "...You cut me into pieces..." Zoro: "I WAS FUCKING KIDDING! FUCK YOU! YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!"

• Let Me At Him: Or as Luffy puts it, "Come at me, bro!"
• Medium Awareness: Luffy seems to be able to hear the narrator, and at one point he turns to the audience and asks what they're looking at.
• My Name Is Not Durwood: Luffy refers to Coby as "Cody".
• Never Learnt to Read: Luffy, when he tries to read the disclaimer for Episode 3.
• Never Say That Again:

Luffy: She snuck up on us, like a- like a- Coby: Like a Ninja? Luffy: CODY! Don't you ever say that word again! Coby: What? Why? Luffy: EVER!!!

• Nice Hat: "I'm rubber and you're fat; don't you dare touch my hat!"
• No Indoor Voice: Luffy, when Rule of Funny is in full effect.
• Older Than They Look: Despite his teenage physique, Luffy states that he's 45 years old. Apparently, it's hard for a guy made of rubber to get wrinkles.
• Ooh, Me Accent's Slipping: Luffy occasionally starts to sound like Peter Griffin.
• Only Sane Man: Buggy. At least in the context of the absolute insanity that surrounds him.
  • He's the most down-to-earth character in his episode, and his voice is perfectly normal and his tone generally calm. Hilarious in and of itself, considering he's a clown-pirate.
• Overly Long Gag: Captain Morgan's chin has something different written on it each time he's given a close-up.
  • In the last shot, it says "Stop Staring™".
• Prison Rape: Happened to Luffy.

Luffy: I won't go back to prison, my butthole can't take that abuse!

• Rapid-Fire Comedy: Gives Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series a run for its money. The rapid-fire pacing combined with the unorthodox perspective of much of the cast results in something literally stunning.
• Rule of Three:
  • First minute of the first episode, no less:

Luffy: "Oh, you suck at this!" Second sailor on deck: "Oh my God, Fred, you suck!" Sailor in crow's nest: "Fred, you suck!"

• Running Gag: A cupcake frequently appears to other characters in episode 2.
• Shout-Out: In the crossover video, Luffy alludes to the "bridge" joke by informing Joekage that he digs canals.
  • "I'm on a boat! Pretty cool, huh?"
• Single-Stroke Battle: Zoro against Cabaji. Turns out to be a blood loss induced fantasy.
• Sound Effect Bleep
  • Played with in one line of episode 4. Averted in the rest of that episode.

Zoro: I dragged his ass two miles and you had the *bleep* key the whole *bleep* fucking time!?

• Spell My Name with an "S": Defied; Zoro's full name is "Zolo Zoro".
• Surrounded by Idiots: This is apparently the case for Captain Morgan, as his subordinates apparently don't understand literary devices such as sarcasm and metaphor. It's also possible he's constantly being tossed the Idiot Ball by underlings who go out of their way to Troll him.

Capt. Morgan: I'm up to my tits in morons! Capt. Morgan: Let's just stand around like idiots until someone does something!

• Talk Like a Pirate

Buggy: I be a Clown Pirate. Luffy: That's very interesting. You're very interesting.

• They Fight Crime: Luffy and Shanks in episode 3
• Vagina Dentata: Referenced when Luffy gets shot in episode two.

Luffy: "That stung like a woman with teeth in her beef portal!"

• What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?: Zoro's sandwich, which has four different types of cheese and six different kinds of meat.
• What Do You Mean It's Not Heinous?: Luffy is being hounded by the navy for... making Internet parodies.
• Who's on First?: In episode 3, Zoro asks Luffy what the "D" in his name stands for.

Luffy: [It stands for] "Dee." Zoro: Yeah, what's it stand for? Luffy: "Dee." [etc.]

• Who Writes This Crap?: Or maybe just in-universe; it's hard to tell.

(Luffy beats up four guys) Luffy: "Ball four, take yer base!" (looks at camera) "Dammit, that was terrible!"

• Why Don't Ya Just Shoot Him: Averted by Nami and Luffy shooting Cabaji and Buggy respectively in episode 4.