Nostalgia Critic/Funny/2009 Episodes

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Nicktoons

  • The beginning where he says "It's January ! You know what that means..." and then says

"No you don't cuz I just made it up!"

  • The extreme close-up on what is eventually revealed to be Spike's tongue when the Critic mentions Rugrats' weird episode openers.
  • The Great War of Australian Stereotypes. It is...it is so very much a visual.
  • The decreasing power of "Adventure Ho!" as the show goes on.


Nickcoms

  • "A boot, about, a boot, about, a boot, about, GET IT RIGHT!"
  • "What is it with these 90s shows and having all the lyrics be nothing but 'doo's, 'da's and 'na's?"


SNICK

  • The beginning:

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Hey, kids! It’s Saturday night!
Kids: Hooray!
NC: School is out!
Kids: Hooray!
NC: The night is young!
Kids: Hooray!
NC: All your friends are free!
Kids: Hooray!
NC: And you can’t drive!
Kids: Fuck.

  • NC explaining the premise of Roundhouse, where there's improv and you have to imagine certain situations.

Nostalgia Critic: Now imagine that I am changing the channel. Oh, wait. I don’t. (holds up remote) That’s why we have concrete matter. (deep, demonic voice) USE IT!!

Gary: But one thing draws us together.
NC: Smoking weed around the fireplace.
Gary: The dark!
NC: And smoking weed around the fireplace.

  • "SCREAMING IN EVERY OTHER SENTENCE IS NOT FUNNY! IT IS LOUD AND ANNOYING! AND ANYONE WHO DOES IT SHOULD BE SHOT..." (bang) "Unshot..." (bang) "And given a bag of money." (N.C. receives a bag of money to his surprise) "How about some lounge music?" (lounge music plays)
  • Chester A. Bum's cameo.


Good Burger

And lo and behold, an obnoxious douchebag with unconvincing dreads will put grapes in his nose and constantly shout 'Bloobity bloobity bloobity bloobity', and it will be called the Eleventh Level of Hell. Dante then wet himself and cried in fear.

  • The end:

Ed: Welcome to the Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?
Nostalgia Critic: *feigning amusement* Yes, yes you can. *a Balrog's face appears over his own* DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!

    • Abe Vigoda. "Will someone please give Abe some direction? He's the funniest thing in this movie, and I don't even think he's supposed to be in it!"
    • Ed: Why don't you want a partnership? Is it cause I'm black?

Nostalgia Critic: AAGH! A FUNNY JOKE!

  • His reaction to Ed's dream in the beginning. He finally has to yell for it to stop, because he needs a minute.
  • The clips of Hitler with subtitles like "And don't forget the fries with that! God HELP you if you forget the fries with that!"


Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest

  • The Nostalgia Critic singing Sweet Transvestite while the Nostalgia Chick randomly plays the accordion in the background during the review of Fern Gully is just hilarious.

Chick: Now you're pregnant.

Critic: AHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! [tries to pull away]

Chick: [smiles evilly and holds on to him]

    • Especially funny if you're a Trekkie.
    • Don't you ever try to bring logic into this movie again! This is FERN GULLY, BITCH!
    • (after a scene with two very small-brained birds asking for a password:) "Welcome to hell?" (awkward smile) "Don't eat shrooms?" (awkward smile)
    • "Isn't that right Jasmin - I mean Crysta. Maybe we should consult The Genie - I mean Batty. After all, that is why I'm Sultan - I mean king!...Which animated movie am I in again?"
    • The following exchange:

The elf king: Somehow, I thought [humans would] be bigger!
Crysta: Well, we had sort of an accident, and he kinda... shrunk.
Nostalgia Critic: I have pills for that. Not that I... need them or anything...

Nostalgia Chick: (Eyerolls)

Chick: Listening to Robin Williams rap is like listening to Eminem, sung by M&Ms, while taking part in S&M.
Critic: Annoying, bad for you, and incredibly painful.

    • "Hooray! I'm back to normal! Except...(looks down pants) NOOOO!
  • The montage of clips of the Chick and Critic fighting. There's a fucking pillow fight in it!
  • Every time they snap back to the looks on the Critic and Chick's faces.
  • "TOO SUBTLE!"
  • The Critic and Chick imitating fighting cats after the cock contest.


A Kid in King Arthur's Court

  • During The Nostalgia Critic's review of A Kid in King Arthur's Court, upon seeing someone who, despite pretending to have no ill intentions, is quite obviously going to be the villain introduced, the Critic says,"By the way, did I mention that I'm the villain in this movie? No, because I don't have to!"

Arthur: So you should never swallow it?

Critic: [speechless]

    • "'Ha! Did you see what I just did there? I made fun of your acting! Ha ha ha! Because I'm the one who's going to have a career after this movie! I was the villain in True Lies! When will you ever be in a James Cameron movie? Ah, ha ha ha!' Oh, God, I'm funny." Yeah, actually, you are.
    • "My only hope is that I can knock out all memory of this movie by hitting myself on the head repeatedly with the complete works of Shakespeare."
    • "I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't Blue's Clues."
    • "Don't mind me, I'm just a moving hunk of armour with a kid's face for a crotch!"
    • Quiet, I think I hear my daughter pussing out.
  • The running gag with the kid being scared of baseballs.

Critic As Calvin: Be careful, I think there might be a baseball in there! It'll kill your family!

  • When he comments on how he can't hear the girl getting kidnapped.

Calvin:Princess.
Critic As Katie: Help me!
Calvin:I haven't had this much fun in my whole life.
Critic As Katie: Call the guards!
Calvin: I know you're worried about your father.
Critic As Katie: I'm worried about me you moron!
Calvin: I guess that's all.
Critic As Katie: Don't leave me!
Calvin: Oh yeah.
Critic As Katie: Help!
Calvin: You're a great kisser.
Critic As Katie: Oh my god what an idiot!

  • Critic mentioning that Calvin plays baseball so bad he deserves to be mocked by everyone. Even stating that the land hates him (referring to the earthquake that kicks off the plot).


The Good Son

  • The entire review for The Good Son was a piece of genius, as the Critic did it entirely silently.
  • The psychiatrist scene.

Psychiatrist: Please Henry, tell me everything.
Henry: Everything?
Critic: *loud truck horn*

    • "I love how a friggin' CHILD PSYCHIATRIST can't tell that a kid talking like a damn robot is lying!"
  • When Culkin offers Wood a cigarette, and a PSA showing the ninja turtles talking to a class is shown. When Wood takes the cigarette the turtles respond with shock.
  • When the camera hangs on to the scene of Culkin offering Wood his own Michael Meyers mask, the Critic holds up a sign saying, "CUT???".


Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog/Sonic Sat AM

THIS! IS! SONIC!!!

  • The clip shown from A Clockwork Orange, making it so that Alex is being subjected to watching the show, especially since it sounds eerily like Alex is screaming "STOP IT, STOP IT, PLEASE I BEG YOU !"
  • Regarding Robotnik in SatAM:

"But surely you can't take something as silly-looking as Robotnik and have him be the least bit intimida-- [SatAM Robotnik pops up]''JESUS!
 "Its like he's orgasming with every word!"

Sonic: "Even you can learn something from a sloth!"
NC: "...FUCK THIS SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!" *proceeds to shoot the entire cast of AoStH*

    • It snaps further "What!? What!? Buh... Pumpkin!? What!? Pumpkin?! What!? I don't care what drug-induced land you're in, you cannot blow in your hand and come up with a pumpkin."
    • "How did you even come to that conclusion?!
    • "How can you blow into your hand and make a WOMAN? WHY would you even be chasing hedgehogs if you can blow into your hand and make a WOMAN?! It does not! Add! Up!"
    • Regarding SatAM: Honest to goodness effort, unlike (argh!) That. OTHER. SHOW!!!
  • His attempt at retiring "Of Course!" gag with Bison constantly interrupting him ending with his panel flattening the Critic.

Fucking joke.

  • The Critic talking about how Scratch and Grounder's voices sound like ones you use when you make fun of somebody.
  • Comparing the two shows to two class projects

Critic: It literally took nothing and turned it into something. Unlike...THAT OTHER FUCKING SHOW! They took nothing and turned it into even less than nothing! In fact, you know what it's like? It's like two students who turn in two separate projects for a class.
Critic (as student): Hey there, teach, here's my project. I tried to add as much character and psychological development as possible given the guidelines, but I think I came up with a pro-enviromental show that will actually make kids enjoy the forest without, you know, shoving it in their faces.
Critic (as teacher): Well, this is very well put together. Strong story, good character, working beyond the material given to you... A+! Now, where's my other student, Fuck-Up McDumbass?
Critic (as Fuck-Up McDumbass): Hey, teach, here's my project! It's AWESOME! Uh, it's got a lot of, uh, running, a lot of, uh, chili dogs, ha-huh, it's got...a monkey, and a chicken, and they just yell all the time, they go "buh buh buh buh buh-it's totally awesome.
Critic (as teacher): McDumbass, did you put any effort into this?
Critic (as McDumbass): Nah, I just got high.
Critic (as teacher): *Beat, then gives an F*


== Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks == 

  • The Critic saying "Yes.", with two other Critics then leaning onscreen and also going "Yes."
  • "Well, if it isn't Mr. Puppy! Hello, Mr. PuppyOH MY GOD, A GORILLA!!" GRRRAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRR!!
  • His little kid reactions to "Halloween is Grinch Night" and "Pink Elephants on Parade".
  • wide-eyed stare* "I just wet myself."
  • confused expressions* "I'm not pissing myself with fear... but why?"

Bugs: Ehh, so how's Pixar saving your ass this time, Mickey?
Mickey: Suck my enchanted ballsack, you hunk of shit!

  • PORCUPINES ARE GOD.
  • This:

Nostalgia Critic: I'm a carrot. *Nostalgia Critic turns into carrot and does Evil Laugh*

    • In a meta-CMOF, Doug revealed that shortly after shooting this, he came down with a high fever and hallucinated that the carrot was coming to kill him and Rob.
  • At one point, the Critic ends up upside-down over a looping animation of a man slipping on a banana and a giant walking banana slipping on the man, looks around, and announces "Wait, this isn't right." So he fixes his tie.


Twister

Critic: None other than that swirling menace known as...Twister!!
*cue clip from the Twister Game Commercial*
Commercial: *singing* Twister! The HOT SPOT!!!
Critic: No, no...that game is kinda hot. I'm talking about the movie devoid of hotness!
*shows picture of actress, Helen Hunt*
Critic: Mostly...devoid of hotness!

Rabbit: "Funnel's getting thicker! It's moving to-"
Tornado: GRRRROOOOWWWWWOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!
Critic: "Is it me, or did the tornado just roar?" (replays tornado scene) "What, were there dinosaurs in that barn?" (a Tyrannosaurus rex flies through the air, bellowing)

    • What happens whenever Jonas appears.

Critic: Let's talk about disaster movies! *shows a picture of Tom and Jerry: The Movie* No, no, no...not that kind of disaster movie...

  • His attempt to end the overlapping music scene by summoning the Burger King. Who gets scared by it and runs and hides.
  • Look out, it's the Sears Tower! *Sears Tower crashes into the scene courtesy of clipart* The Titanic! *Titanic crashes into scene* OZZY OSBOURNE! *Ozzy Osbourne in the middle of the road*

What's all this I hear about a tornado the- AIEE! *is run over by tornado chasers*


Garbage Pail Kids

  • When Greaser Greg pulls out a switchblade:

"Oh that's nice. One of the kids has a pocketknife. Remember kids, real beauty is on the inside, and if you disagree, I'LL CUT YOU OPEN TO PROVE IT!!!"

  • "Well, you know what they say; If at first you don't succeed, try try try try try trytrytrytrytry [video speeds up] TRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRY [back to normal speed] UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!"
  • The entire end of the Garbage Pail Kids review.

"My god. The movie has turned me into what it always was. A dirty piece of crap."

    • Also:
  • creepy ambient music*

Older critic: A movie so bad it actually ages you as you watch it.
Critic: Wow... it's that bad?
Older critic: Yes. *music cuts off* Now piss off, I'm trying to eat my processed cereal.


Rock-a-Doodle

  • The Critic's scenario of how Christopher Plummer was forced into playing the Duke.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get Abe Vigoda for Good Burger.

  • His boggling over Edmund's line "I'm a fuwwy!" as well as to the Non Sequitur Scene later on.
  • The arguing narrators bit.

Narrator #1: And so the little boy looked out from his window, and (then he-)
Narrator #2: (And then) the other narrator stepped in to tell the story-
Narrator #1: Hey! Whose telling this story anyway?
Narrator #2: Well I don't know, I thought I was.
Narrator #1: You couldn't read your way out of an alphabet book.
Narrator #2: Hey! Them's fighting words!
Narrator #1: Come over here you meatsack! *beatdown ensues*
Narrator #2: My pancreas!

"You know, fuck it. I'm going to come up with my own theory. God got bored and wanted to fuck with the rooster, so he played yo-yo with the sun. There, now I'm happy."

    • It's also referenced later:

God: God hears you Chanticleer! I didn't mean to put the rotation of the planets out of order, I was just fucking with ya!

"Well thank you Mr. Pig, this frying pan well really help us out when we're cooking up some baco-uuuuuuuuhhhh-on that note, how about them bears? The team, not the ones that own the hardware store down the street.

  • This bit also:

Goldie: What's he (Chanticleer) got that I ain't got?
Critic: Well a penis for starters.


Titanic: The Animated Movie

  • The entire rapping dog segment

Mouse: If it hadn't been for you I would have been in someone else's digestion!
Critic(as mouse): Yes, thank you! If there's anything we can do to help, just let us know.
(Dog starts rapping)
Critic(as mouse): Eh...What are you doing??
(...)
Critic(as mouse): Did I at any point indicate that I wanted a rap number?
(...)
(Critic nods awkwardly)
(...)
Critic(as mouse): ...I'm beginning to regret you saving me. 
Critic: I mean, forget the ship. THIS is the major disaster the film was building up to!

    • Also, earlier when it starts and he begins getting progressively larger bottles of booze to make it bareable, ending with one nearly as big as him!
  • This Bit:

William (talking to Angelica: I was too busy looking for someone. (Beat) Now that I've found her, I'm not gonna let her get away from me again.
Critic: Now get in the bag before I stab you repeatedly!

  • During the ball scene:

William: Nothing you could tell me....could prevent me from loving you.
Critic (as Angelica): I'm a man.

William: Whoops, gotta go! (runs out)

  • Luti stan pudicho! this plot is muy stupido! It makes absolute no sense-o, this song is muy racist-o! ARIBA!!!!
  • Now, I know what you're thinking: What's taking that iceberg so long anyway?
  • Hey everybody, it's a SPLASH FIGHT! ooh, I'm gonna get you wet! woo hoo! splishy splashy!
  • "Oh, that's nice, you ripped through pure metal like it was a waffle!"
  • His reply after two of the people who got off the ship are laughing:

Critic: Daahahahahaha-hilarious! Totally makes me forget that hundreds of people are drowning to death! This is the funny horrendous sinking movie! Ahhahahahahahahaha (gasp)

  • "Good lord! The movie's trying to drag him down with it!"
  • "Don't worry, everything's gonna be fine now that Flipper's on the case!"


The Pagemaster

[in a deep, grovelly voice] "Take a look, it's in a book...READING RAINBOOOOOOW!"

  • The "Zuul" gaf

"Zuul! ZUUL! ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER, ZUUL!"

  • This part:

Richie: EARTHQUAKE!
Nick Szalinski: No, worse! Lawnmower!

    • And a few seconds later:

Nostalgia Critic: Even the dragon is boring! Do something! DO SOMETHING!
President Skroob: Do something!

Dark Helmet: Do something!

Colonel Sandurz: Do something!

  • During the storm scene, when everything seems to be trying to kill Richie.

Critic As God: God is not pleased with you Culkin, I will smite you before you make the Nutcracker movie! *Telephone pole falls* Getting Even with Dad? I'm getting even with you! *Tree falls right in front of him* Good Son? Good bye! *He crashes into something and falls off the bike* Hahaha, I've got a million of them, I am god you know.

  • The Critic's face during the creepy librarian scene always crack me up, as well as what happens at the end of the scene.

Libarian: You mean you don't need... I see.
Nostalgia Critic: That's fine, that's fine. Ooh, a little girl! Are you looking for adventure?!


Moonwalker

Nostalgia Critic: *impersonating Jackson's voice* That's right, I don't care what you think...as this incredibly expensive musical representation of a middle finger clearly shows.
Nostalgia Critic: *impersonating Jackson's voice* The Hills are alive, with the sound of JAMON!

  • As Jackson's running down streets* JAMONE JAMONE JAMONE! WOO! WOO-WOO-WOO! HE! HE! HE! OBA-JE-JAMONE! JE-JE-HA-HA! JEBA-JE! JEBA-JE-HA! OW!

Nostalgia Critic: It's like they're at an orgy....but they forgot the sex....


Top 11 Dumbest Superman Movie moments

  • "What can you say about the Superman movies? I love all of them. Well, most of them. Well, some of them. Two of them."
  • "Ah great, ya blew up the Wah Wah Machine!"
  • Rescuing the dumb kid playing on the rails over Niagra Falls:

[Critic as] Kid: Remember me as a cloooood!


[Critic as] Superman: Too bad, Darwin! Natural selection doesn't get this one!


Old vs New: Batman vs The Dark Knight

  • "Now, to be fair, Christian Bale has a lot to act through. He has to play Bruce Wayne the college student, Bruce Wayne the outcast, Bruce Wayne the warrior, Bruce Wayne the drunken millionaire, and Bruce Wayne as Batman. Thank God they didn't ask him to do Bruce Wayne the transvestite. That would've destroyed him!"
  • Christian Bale's Batman as a school teacher.
  • At the end of the Nostalgia Critic's comparison of Batman and The Dark Knight, he gets a call from a spazzed out Christian Bale yelling at him about his comments on his voice-acting.
  • This line:

Critic: You don't mess with Mr. Mom.


TMNT (2007)

Red Sonja

  • From the Red Sonja review: "Are you over thewe? Or over thewe?"
  • The Nostalgia Critic comments on some of the fan mail he got from irate Mako fans for making fun of Splinter's voice in the TMNT movie the previous week:

""You don't mess with Mako, motherfucker," "Leave Mako alone, he is the Man," and "You should crucify your privates for making fun of Mako!" Well, there goes the one-year anniversary surprise...."

    • And then saying "Sheesh, you guys are all acting like the guy died or someth--" (A memorial picture of Mako appears, showing that he did indeed die) "GOD DAMMIT!"
    • Oh, a singing sword, great. It's the ancient mythology of a Bugs Bunny Cartoon!


Short Circuit 1 & 2

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! JOOOOOOHNY FIIIIIIIIIIVE!"

      • And the cuts between Johnny being mangled and:

Frodo screaming "NNNNOOOOOOOO!

Michael Corleone screaming and crying

Chris Crocker yelling "Leave him alone!"

    • Doug's reaction to Ben saying "fucking" (though I'd swear he's saying "backing"). "Dude, Ben, watch the potty mouth, it's a kid's movie!" as well as the ensuing swear fest afterward.
  • There is no God, there is only... FIVE!!!!!
  • CRASH! ROAD RAGE! VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER! DISASSEMBLE THE WORLD!!!


Full House

  • The very end of the Nostalgia Critic's review of Full House, where every time he begins to say his Catch Phrase, the Olsen twins attack him:

Nostalgia Critic: You know what I do and you know why I do it (runs like hell)

  • "The cash cow goes? MOOOO!"
  • "Off you go, bitch!"
  • "Oh my god, the Olsen twins are mutant alien robots bent on world domination! I knew it all along!"
  • He points out that one of the side roles is being played by the same guy who did Aladdin's voice.

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, I ran into the actor and asked why he agreed to do the role
(voiceclip from One jump ahead ): Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat, tell you all about it when I've got the time.


North

  • The "Loosen his pants" line from North was (unintentionally) funny in and of itself, but the Critic moved it to a whole new level with his David Letterman-style "Nostalgia Critic's Top 10 Jokes for This Scene".
  • North carries the dubious honor of having the worst joke he has ever heard in his life. He reacts accordingly.
    • "Iiit's time to play... Spot The Joke!" *Jeopardy Thinking Music*
    • When Governor Ho is talking about how his wife is infertile:

Governor Ho: Hawaii is a very fertile land. In fact there is only one barren spot on the whole island. Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho.
NC: That's the worst thing ever uttered by a human being, this movie is pure evil.

    • When North is leaving the last family:

Nostalgia Critic: I look forward to seeing your ass in Lost in Translation. It's going to be great!

Nostalgia Critic: Why don't you just have him drop by France? Where everyone wears berets, smokes, drinks wine, and every TV channel has 24 hours of Jerry Lewis...it's the next scene, isn't it? (Scene from the movie shows that very thing) YOU! ARE! SCUM!

  • The "climax" of the movie.

Nostalgia Critic: So North rushes towards his parents, the henchman gets out his gun, pulls the trigger AND.... it was all a dream. WWWWWWHAT!?! You actually went to the lowest common denominator and made it all a dream?!! YOU ASS OF SHIT!!!

    • And then there's the ending to the movie

Nostalgia Critic: I hope you enjoyed this journey of racist insensitivity. Allow us to replace the credits with the word "WE'RE SORRY" 100 TIMES!!!

  • This gem

Bruce Willis: ...that a bird in the hand is always greener then the grass on the other guy's bushes.
Beat
Nostalgia Critic:...I hate you.

  • During Bruce Willis' first appearance:

Bruce Willis:Look kid, just because I'm in a bunny suit doesn't mean I...
Critic:Yes, yes it does. Whatever you were going to say, being in a bunny suit pretty much destroys all credibility.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Making of the Coming out of Their Shells Tour

  • The Nostalgia Critic and the Angry Video Game Nerd's team-up to review Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Making of Coming Out Of Our Shells is wall to wall hilarity, especially the repeated gags with the coffee mugs and both critics' emotional breakdown when the "concert" continues well, well, well after the credits have ended.
    • WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!

Nostalgia Critic: I remember it, so you don't have to.
Angry Video Game Nerd: And I....shit on your momma's face.

    • And their reaction when Raphael says that he 'was banging on some pipes'.

Critic and Nerd: *recoiling in disgust* Woahhhhh!
Nerd: I don't know what he's talking about, banging on pipes!

  • The Critic and Nerd making fun of the Turtles' awful animatronics/lip-synching.
  • The Nerd proving that the turtles' terrible lip-synching could be combined with any song...by synching a performance clip with Raining Blood.
  • "They don't even look like the Ninja Turtles! They look like Ninja Frogs! You're listening to FROGS! IT'S ALL A LIE!"


Sidekicks

  • In the wake of the controversy over his Mako bashing, the review of Sidekicks makes the Critic's desperate attempts to resist making jokes about Mako's character funnier than any actual jokes could have been. And then it ends in a gleeful Crossing the Line Twice moment that leaves you completely unsure how offended to be.
  • The massive implied mockery of Mako's Fan Dumb.
    • "A-CHUCK A-NOOOORIIIIIIIIS!" Later repeated in the Captain America review. It still doesn't disappoint. And again in his Alone in the Dark review. It never gets old!
    • His impersonation of Mako and the main protagonist in one scene is downright hilarious.
      • (Off screen) *Splat* "Stop throwing dough at me!" "Next, we throw bottles!" *Glass shatters*
    • "Chuck Norris will cure the disabled!"
    • When he was criticizing the Smoking Man's horrible acting?

"How do you think he'd react if he got shot? [a gunshot is heard] Gunshot? Gunshot? Gunshot?! I've been gunshot! R2-D2, where are you?"

  • "Get HIIIIIIIIIIM!"
    • "I'm actIIIIIIIIIING!"


Gargoyles

"Do they ever freeze in an embarrassing pose? *demonstrates* Like one of them's just standing there, taking a whizz, and then suddenly 'Oh, shit, the sun! Motherf-! *freezes*"

Goliath: "I've been denied everything! EVEN MY RE-VENGE!!!"

Critic: "And on top of that, I THINK I HAVE A SPLIN-TER!!!"

Spork: The lineage of the sporks goes on for several eons. In fact we predate the dinosaurs.
Critic: ...Indeed.

    • His description of "Future Tense" and its various plot twists:

"[...] where Goliath arrives in the future, and all hell broke loose as Xanatos has apparently taken over. Trying to set things right, all the Gargoyles get killed and slaughtered by Xanatos's army. But then it turns out that Xanatos is a computer with all the memories of the original person. But then it turns out it wasn't Xanatos at all, it was Lexington, who's become overtaken by madness. But then it turns out that it was all an illusion by Puck to try and get a mythical emblem [the Phoenix Gate] from Goliath. And then it turns out that it may or may not have been a dream. And then it turns out that Goliath is a woman! * cue fan art of female!Goliath* Okay, that didn't happen, but you get the idea!"

    • Some creative editing makes it appear that in the pilot, Elisa goes over the side of the roof again after Goliath carries her back up and Bronx surprises her.
    • His joke about how Lexington should have been named "Queens" serves as being Hilarious in Hindsight when one learns that Lexington was indeed gay.
    • Goliath: "Those of your kind call me Goliath."

Critic: "... But my friends call me......... Go." 

    • His setting part of Goliath's dialogue to '70s porno music, stating that his wife must have married him just for the voice.


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

  • His review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a hilarious homage to his review of the first live-action Transformers movie...and is several minutes of pure Nerd-gasming. The icing on the cake of hilarity, however, is a cameo by none other than Chester A Bum
    • "Dude, did he just steal my act?"


Steel

  • Chester A. Bum's cameo in Steel. "Oh my god, they're filming a Shaq movie! I'm outta here!"
    • Best summed up by a comment on Youtube.

"Steel - The only movie Chester A. Bum does not think is the greatest movie he's ever seen in his life."

    • "It could have been worse. He could have played Wonder Woman. (pause) And I'm going to spare you that image. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it HA!" (cue image of Shaq dressed up as Wonder Woman) "Let it haunt your nightmares!" Aa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
    • "But one question remains! DID GRANDMA EVER FINISH HER SOUFFLÉ?!"
  • This joke:

Sparky:"How do you read?" (referring to a wireless earpiece)
Critic as Steel:"Not well. I said yes to this script, didn't I?"


== Top 11 Cereal Mascots == 

  • Two words: Cocoa Puffs. Crosses the line so many times yet it finally just loops back to being hysterical again.
  • The Critic smashing Lucky.

Nostalgia Critic: Now you're dead, how do you like that? (spits on the mangled Lucky)


Last Action Hero

  • The Critic flipping out at all the "random" cameos from Last Action Hero.
    • "My butt cheeks have their own license!"
    • "BLOW! SOMETHING! UP!"
    • The "POOT DAT COOKIE DAUUUUUN!!!" remix at the end.
    • Shouting, "Look, elephant!" in order to get away from people, only to trigger the Burger King (discontinued) Running Gag on the Critic.
    • "E.T. phone lawyers!"


Old vs New: LOTR Animated vs LOTR

  • Three words: Sauron go BOOM!
  • This exchange:

Critic: Well thank you, Pippen!
Merry: I'm Merry!
Critic: Whatever, you're all short!


Captain N

  • His summation of Captain N and Link's constant competing and trying to one-up the other.
  • singing* "My cock's bigger than your cock...my cock's double the size that yours is..."

Critic: As for me, I'm still waiting for half the cast to turn up on Video Game Confessions!
Dominic: OI! You really don't want to see that. It, uh, it involves Mother Brain's genitalia.

  • "The ruler of the Palace is Princess Lana. Oh yeah, from the game...*Shrugs* '80's Fashion Vomit'?"
  • His comments on the voices of Mega Man and Kid Icarus.

(as Mega Man) It's like if Popeye smoked an entire Marlboro factory!
(as Kid Icarus) My testicus haven't droppedicus.

    • The commentary also features Doug and Rob impersonating Mega Man, expressing their distaste for his voice.
  • Concerning Simon Belmont, with the image of Simon in Simon's Quest:

Nostalgia Critic: "I mean, where did they even get the idea to gay him up so much? I mean the original hero has long hair, wears leather, carries a whip, jumps around in a skirt, I think I just answered my own question."

    • Then you remember that Captain N Simon is wearing an aviator outfit, complete with goggles. A medieval vampire hunter dressed as a 1930's pilot. And Mr. Forehead meets Mr. Hand for the fifteenth time.
  • Commenting on just how bad the animation can be at times, showing a couple of scenes from one episode showing Simon with the world's biggest duh face.


We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story

  • "WHAT! NO! YOU'RE RAPING SPIDERMAN, YOU FUCKING DINOSAUR FASCIST! LEAVE THAT AMERICAN ICON ALONE!" 
  • This moment.

Professor Screweyes: I like to keep things simple.
Cecilia: But there's nothing written on it.
Raoul Puke: My God, it's the script!

  • "A Big Lipped-" (startled) "JESUS God!"
  • "I don't like the slutty girl. She has kind of a Lolita thing going on. It seems unnatural."
  • The scene with the hat landing on a little girl's head. After a few repeats of "A child is looking at the same hat..."

Hat lands.
Raoul Puke: ...The fuck? PURPOSE, MOVIE! WE! NEED! PURPOSE!

  • "Kid! You're on a raft with fucking dinosaurs! How bout a little acknowledgement of this miracle huh!?
  • "The rex turns into a drowningsaur as Louie manages to pick him up with some heavy machinery."


Warriors of Virtue

  • Komodo from Warriors of Virtue is a CMOF all by himself, but the Critic declaring him the missing Looney Tunes character really puts it over the top.
    • The Linkara cameo, as well as:

Oh no, he's in Fern Gully! *screams* 

    • "The kitchen is on fire! Stop telling the kid the stupid story and help us!" Somehow, offscreen voices in Chinese restaurants are always comedy gold on this site.
    • "The Monarch is not pleased."

Ryan: Houston, we have a problem.
Critic: And that's my final answer because my heart will always go on right after I get Jiggy with it.

    • "Oh, Dance time." *cue music* 
    • "By all your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"
    • "I'm trying to do every Johnny Depp performance I've ever seen...." Particularly funny considering his previous review was an impersonation of Depp impersonating Hunter S. Thompson.
    • "Now allow me to continue SHOUTING AT RANDOM!!!"
    • "IT WAS A LIFE!"


Captain America

How will Captain America get out of this one???? Will he turn the White House into rubble? Or will he escape to have his American ass beaten once more???? Tune in next time... which is... Right now!

    • The entire section about the "Psyche-Hitler".
    • "I just decapitated a hot chick! Truly, I am the great American hero!"
    • "Why don't we just label everything?!"
    • The cover of the Vogue magazine, with the captions...

Take Our Test: Does he love you or will he get frozen in ice for 50 years?
Keep your Red Skulls their reddest
80 ways to turn the American flag into hideous spandex

    • "We just unthawed a basketball mascot!"


Top 11 Nostalgic F*ckups

Critic: Douchy! Where'd you get that?!

Douchy McNitpick: From my deepest hatred of you! I also have a picture of you kissing Divine and dancing the can-can with Hitler! Look, everyone, he's dancing the can-can with Hitler!

  • "I've watched every single one of your videos 37 times and discovered a shitload of mistakes that you should be hanged for! HANGED FOR!"

Nostalgia Critic: So, every once in a while, I make one or two little mistakes...
Douchy: 35,670 to be exact!
Nostalgia Critic: (annoyed) ALL RIGHT!

  • "If I can't trust an Internet celebrity who watches cartoons and shouts obscenities, who can I trust?!"
  • The gag in the credits about Doug's less-than-stellar spelling.

Douchy: "Made" is spelled wron-

  • *BANG*

Douchy: Ow!


Alone in the Dark

  • The Critic, Spoony, and Linkara acting like the Three Stooges Three Schmuckheads. Enough said.
    • Any time the trio (or at least Spoony and Linkara) break into song:

[To tune of Star Wars] Booooooor-ing, this is so booooor-ing! This is so booooor-ing! Get to the shooooooow~!
Padding-padding-pad-ding! Padding-padding-pad-ding! Padding-padding-pad-ding!

    • The review is a CMOF. Especially the "randomly shooting in the dark which includes cameo appearances by-

90s Kid: Dude, what's with all the flashing lights? (Is shot) Not radical (Collapses)
Dr. Insano: I brought SCIENCE! (Is shot. Collapses)
Ma-Ti: Pizza delivery--(Is shot)--HEAAART! (Collapses)
Chester A Bum.: CHANGE! YA GOT CHA- (Is shot. Collapses.)

    • Spoony making the Nostalgia Critic say I like to wear woman's clothing was just hilarious. Even funnier was the Critic's reaction. And the Brick Joke.

(The Critic poses dramatically while Spoony types for him)
I'm acting. *beat* I like to wear women's clothing...

My precious?

"No, no, honey..."
    • Linkara's introduction, particularly the deadpan Critic's response: "Oh, Jesus. No."
      • The Nostalgia Signal.

Why did I install that?

Spooney: So lets go back the way we just came!
NC: Blocking at its best, folks.

  • The whole flickering lights sequence.
  • "Unless of course that man was... CHUCK NORRIS? A-CHUCK-A-NO...no, not even him."
  • The Critic spends the entire video using his computer's monotone text-to-speech voice to speak for him - which makes it even funnier when it says something completely insane.

NC: Scooby-Dooby-Doo.

  • The random yelling sequence. Bonus points for Linkara slipping in a small reference to Metal Gear Solid 2.


Blank Check

  • The Blank Check review has the Critic repeatedly, ahem, bumping the bottom of his desk whenever the movie's resident hot woman appears. Later, during the scene where she ends up running through a fountain and getting soaking wet, he snatches up a hammer and starts pounding the, er, little Critic back down.
    • The end of the review features the Critic turning off his 'pleasant' mode.

"FUCK YOU ALLLL!!!" 


Old vs New: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) vs. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

  • The end of his Old vs New, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory review, where the annoying Ear Worm from the newest adaptation plays, and when the Critic yells for something else, first "It's A Small World", then the DuckTales (1987) theme song, and finally the Doug theme song play. Quoting "Duck Amuck," the Critic angrily insists that the person messing with the sound show himself, at which point the camera pans out and we find Douchey McNitpick pulling the strings.
  • When he's talking about how the Charlie from Charlie in the Chocolate Factory is so perfect he could try out for Jesus. He shows the part where he breaks his candy bar to share with his family:

Critic As Charlie: Do this, in memory of me.


Cool as Ice

  • The Critic's review of Cool as Ice starts off with him simply laughing uncontrollably at the movie to the point where he can't even say his Catch Phrase, and just gets funnier from there, especially when he keeps making fun of Vanilla Ice's ridiculous outfits and dance moves.

"There's His Whiteness! ....why does he have a Post-It Note on the side of his head?"
"It's the latest dance moves! ....the Raggedy Ann Seizure."
"Look at his hair! It's like a level from Super Mario Bros.!"

"The spatula on my head approves of this situation."

"So we see the human crossword puzzle crossing the street...."

"Dig those dance steps. I think they call that the "Two-Year-Old Who Has To Pee" move."

"You like my shorts? I got 'em from the Hamburglar."

"This looks like a job for Chewed-up Black Condom Man!"

    • Some of the greatest and lamest puns ever.

"Wow. What an icehole."

"Ah, the Zen of Ice. (Pause) Zice..."

    • And the White-O-Meter, which tops out at "Conan O'Brien" and "Invisible."
    • There's also the whole 'fast-forwarding' through the house scene, which the Critic calls 'A demented version of the cleaning-the-room scene from Mary Poppins.' And this line...

"Oh yeah Kat, words of wisdom. Drop dat zero, and get with the hero." "Yeah, got that off The Disney Channel."

Nostalgia Critic: Aw, no no no no nononononono! That's like three pages of the Kama Sutra!

    • When Ice saves Cathy, and later when he battles the thugs, NC parodies the 60's Batman music:

Singers: Iceman!

    • "Oh, those horrid rapscallions!"
    • Go dumbass, go dumbass, go! Go dumbass, go dumbass, go!
    • "Luckily, Max Headroomache comes along..."
    • The sequence where the movie constantly shift between Ice talking to Cathy, and the two "frolicking", to NC's annoyance, When he demands the movie to pick a scene and stick with it, we get... frolicking with talking voiceover.

NC: ...

    • This joke:

Ice: You need a psychiatrist!
Pot: You are so black!
Kettle: I'm not black, you're black!

Even better is the Critic's expression throughout this argument.


Suburban Commando

  • The very first line.

"Do wrestlers star in movies? This is the question that has plagued mankind for centuries. On the one hand, it seems ideal; I mean, they're already sort of acting, aren't they? I mean they're wrestlers. They know how to play to the crowd, they know how to make everything look thematic--it's practically in their blood. On the other hand, Suburban Commando."

"I almost kissed you, but I wouldn't."

"God, it looks like a mix between Cher and The Incredible Mr. Limpet."


The Next Karate Kid

Julie: My name is Julie! My mother's name was Susan! She was killed in a car accident with my father, and they're both dead!
Dark Helmet: *turns to the audience* Everybody got that?


Casper

  • "'cus this is filler, filling up the time..."
  • The end of the review , in which the critic, dressed as a Ghostbuster, chases Casper right into GMX (with him getting a whole panel room involved in his chase while also running into a Chester A. Bum cosplayer).
    • Casper's epic freak-out when the Critic breaks out the Ghostbusters gear.
    • Bonus points to the Harley Quinn cosplayer who makes good use of her mallet, including providing the perfect ending. "Clear!"
    • "HUG ME !" *NC is pushed into the pool*
  • When he runs into a Chester A. Bum cosplayer:

NC: Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?
Cosplayer: (pause) CHANGE!

  • "TIMING!"
  • "Oh, not that late." "I already had an abortion." Casper's facial reaction was priceless and then: "Okay that was a little disturbing" "WOW!" "Just a little dark humor, I mean it's nothing about--" "WOW!" "Alright let's just move on!" "...you sicken me." 
  • The DVD shows the raw footage of the Casper chase which continues running as Doug returns to his hotel room and plays up his removing the costume as stripping. On the commentary, Doug suddenly realizes that someone is probably masturbating to the scene, maybe even with the commentary on. "I hope it's a woman, but let's face it, it's probably a man."
  • "There, I did a kids film, ya happy?
  • "SUCKITSUCKITSUCKITSUCKIT!"
  • "You can see him smiling cause we're actually waving the check at him off screen."
  • "EXPOSITION, EXPOSITION!!"


Superman IV

  • Just to mention one joke and let Wiki Magic do the rest:

NC: ...[The movie has] mediocre special effects that you're more likely to see in one of Linkara's videos!
Linkara: HEY!
NC: Get over it, you comic geek, your special effects suck!
Linkara: "Bat-Credit card".

NC:: A BAT CREDIT CARD!? [Rage breakdown and gunshots]

Linkara: (smiling) He's The Nostalgia Critic, he remembers it so you don't have to.

    • "A BAT CREDIT CARD? JEE-YAAAAAAY-ZUS!!!"
  • Linkara's reaction to Non Sequitur Scene is nothing short of priceless.
  • The opening with Linkara doing NC's lines, and NC finding out.
  • "It's time to play International Politics!"

Linkara: Alright, Nostalgia Critic! You're Israel, a country surrounded on all sides by enemies who would happily see you wiped off the map! However, the only thing keeping them at bay is your nuclear arsenal! Now Superman comes in and says he's gonna take that arsenal away! What do you do???
NC: Um, tell him to hump my ass?
Linkara: Oh, I'm sorry, Critic, the correct answer was "applaud wildly"!
NC: Dammit!
Linkara: Next question, and this one's for the game! You're the Soviet Union. You're engaged in a Cold War against the United States, and the fear of mutually assured destruction via nuclear weapons is the only thing that keeps you and the US from engaging in combat with conventional weapons! Suddenly, Superman comes along and says he's gonna take away all your nuclear weapons! What do you do?
NC: Ooh, I know! I know! Applaud wildly!
Linkara: That is correct! You won the grand prize, Critic! You get to continue watching this crap!
NC: Dammit!

  • Then there's his use of the Super Mario Bros 3 "falling from airship" music to accompany Superman and Nuclear Man falling through the clouds.
  • Any of the movie's lame attempts at comic relief actually do manage to become hilarious in this review. Clark Kent "goofily" working out is perfectly accented by Linkara's "It's time for some COMEDY!...Wasn't there an impending nuclear war?", and the scene where Supes needs to be in two places at once is underscored by "The Entertainer" and topped off with Critic's goofy face and arm motions.
  • "OH NO YOU DON'T! You started this review, we're going to finish it!"

Nostalgia Critic: What are we reviewing again?
"Superman IV: The Quest for Peace" appears on-screen
Nostalgia Critic: Aw, fuckdonkeys!

  • NC's reaction to Jeremy's voice:

Jeremy: I'll tell you who we should write a letter to that would do some good!
NC: Muthafucka!

  • This exchange:

Linkara:"The film begins proper with Russians...IN SPAAAAAAACE!!!"

NC:"How did you do that with your voice?"

Linkara:"Clean throat."


Congo

  • Tickle Me Amy.
  • "Hungry Hungry Hippos! Hungry Hungry Hippos!"
  • The NC's impersonation of Tim Curry's bad accent in the film.

"The diamonds are here!"
"And queer! And not going any-weer!"
"No, n-(starts retching) Sorry, I'm just vomiting up my tuna sandwich!"

Three Wild Gorillas: (Beat) (deadpan) Whatever.
First Gorilla: That was strange.
Second Gorilla: What the hell was she talking about?
Third Gorilla: Weird Power Glove wearing freak.

Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! This movie sucks! You should get a refund! Go see Toy Story next time. It's in the theater next door.


Siskel & Ebert Tribute

  • From his tribute to Siskel And Ebert-"Why would you think that?"
    • "So, besides me, what do you think of when you hear the word critic. (Image of The Angry Video Game Nerd shows up) "NO! Get that picture out of here!"
      • The third answer to that question, which makes him stare at the viewer with an expression of "What the hell is wrong with you?"
    • Blink and you'll miss it, but the list of religion's he's prejiduced against include "Whatever religion the Oompa Loompas practice."
    • Ma-Ti at the hospital. That is all.

NC: So hey, why are you in the hospital, anyway?
Ma-Ti: I'm removing my balls. I am now a literal pussy!
NC: Oh, it's not like--
Ma-Ti: PUSSY!


Judge Dredd

  • The text scroll read by James Earl Jones

NC James Earl Jones is talking about an elite FORCE huh?... Okay lets look through the Star Wars jokes here. (plays a Darth Vader quote)

  • "And now, since I'm unbelievably immature, the Judge Dredd Blow Dance."
  • The multi-function gun. "Armor piercing. Rapid fire. Back massage. Lounge music (Music plays)."
  • Two bottles o' beer on the wall, two bottles o'... Oh hey Dredd got any beer?
  • "Well, I can't turn back now, that was way too good of an exit. ... I guess I'll just stay here for a while. ... Damn it, I forgot my iPod. ... 100 bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer..."
  • Judge Judy, the most feared of all.
  • The NC pointing out how no one can seem to pronounce the law The LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!
    • Which accumulates to the point where the NC sings the word law LAAAAAAAAAAAW over and over again to the tune of the Can-Can. Complete with Judge Dredd kick-line.
    • Judge Dredd: The Musical.
    • The metaphorical-turned-literal Cat Fight.
  • "I'm alive! Oh, so are you." (cue Seinfeld music)


Tank Girl

  • "O-okay, this movie just went up a notch. Or... at least... SOMETHING went up a notch."
  • "NOOO!!! NOT THE YAK!!! IT WAS MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER!!!" *cue Yakkity Yak*
  • Also this:

Tank Girl's Producer: Alright Ice-T, I know you got a lot of projects in the works, but just listen to this movie role.
Ice-T: Yeah, okay.
Producer: *Long pause* ...You're a kangaroo--
Ice-T: FUCK YEAH!!!

Villain with bad elocution: --and (so on)!
NC: "And Sauron??"

Eye of Sauron: Nobody owns me, biatch.

  • His expressions of revulsion at the horrible music number.
  • "Ha ha! Baywatch! It's funny because it existed!"


Jack Frost

  • "Chained-Up-Superman-Wearing-Batman's-Mask!"
  • The "hard rock" version of I'm A Little Teapot.
  • NC editing a scene into the mother telling Jack all the affairs she had, complete with scare chord.
  • "I'm the Nostalgia Christmas. I Christmas so Christmas Christmas. *beat* CHRISTMAS!!!"
  • "Good Lord, that was terrible! What, are they tring to brush off death like one of those old awkward Disney films? (Jack's car crashes, then cuts to "Lets Sing a Gay Happy Spring Song" from Bambi)
  • His reaction to the snowman. Take your pick.

"I think I'm gonna hurl!"
"It doesn't look so much like it wants to play with Charlie as friggin' eat him!"
"Eeaaaghh...Can we keep the creepy snowman out of our faces? Good, that-OH GOD take it away!!"

  • After Jack Frost rejects the idea of using two snowballs as breasts, and throws them back at the kid who threw them:

Critic: Wow, I didn't think anything could top DuckTits, but that came pretty damn close.

  • This bit:

Jack Frost: You know, the nice thing about having these big balls, excuse me...
Critic: Oh, good to know you're still a perv.

  • The Critic saying snowman Jack standing still looks like he's trying to take a dump.


He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special

  • "My god, those TRANSFORMING robots are TRANSFORMING into some kind of TRANSFORMED evil! I think they're called ……Care Bears Bears!"
  • The NC's surprise over how Swift Wind sounds.
  • "Yeah, maybe you could find a cell phone...maybe call someone who can come up here and rescue us. Oh, by the way....WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!?"
  • The "Gay Jokes I Could Have Made" counter
    • He breaks his moratorium on gay jokes briefly to point out how phallic one of the vehicles looks, wondering how it could possibly have been accidental. This is followed shortly by a giant metal hand grasping it. Tightly.
  • Him imitating Orko during the end of the special.
  • "Christmastime?! I'm JEWISH! I get eight candles, a dreidle and a new pair of slacks every year, I'll be as fucking grouchy as I please, you little Hitler Youths!"
  • The Critic pointing out that no one seems to notice or care about the Transformation Sequence.

He-Man: Hey sis. I have the power.
[...]
Critic: I love how the transformations aren't a big deal anymore. She could be doing the dishes, and be like "Oh hey, He-Man, when you get a chance could you-"
He-Man: Offscreen*"I HAVE THE POWER!"
Critic: [simultaneously] "-Oh, okay nevermind."

  • "Who are your friends? I'm the gay son of Casey Kasem and Jerry Seinfeld. Nyeaaah."
  • The Critic misconstruing Hordak's name
  • "Just look at Skeletor's face. Clearly, not even he can understand Horde Prime"
    • (As Skeletor) "You need to enunciate! I have no lips, and even I can enunciate!"
  • "*imitating Swift Wind* "OH, GOD! Every time this happens, I feel unbelievable pain! God, I hate sprouting these wings! Aaaaah, sweet Jesus, it hurts!"
  • *After Swift Wind talks in an incredible raspy and deep voice* What girl wants their unicorn to talk like "C'mon She-Ra! Let's go fight some evil doers! Maybe we can stop by the cigar store on the way there!"
  • Bo being frozen with the "I WAS FROZEN TODAY" sound clip
  • "Dude you shot him in the Skelenads!"

Hordak: Time to take this goodie goods.
Rob as Skeletor: You just shot my goodie goods.

  • This.

She-Ra: The beast-monster!
Critic: Isn't that a little redundant? I mean, isn't that kind of like saying "Look out! The tortoise-turtle! He's evil-bad!"


The Top 11 Next Best Christmas Specials

  • Two words: Die Hard.
    • More specifically, five words; "Fuck you, it's Die Hard!"
  • His reaction to recieving the Star Wars Holiday Special.
  • Also, "Bitch, you pregnant! Bye!!"
    • When he talks about things most films related to the birth of Christ leave out - such as how Joseph is about to stone Mary to death for her apparent infidelity:

NOSTALGIA CRITIC: *as Joseph* Oh, really? Immaculate conception, huh? *beat* Oh, the son of God, yeah, the Lord of all, no kidding? *fake laughter* Well, I'm gonna give the Archangel two seconds before I *raises fist* POUND THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YA-!

  • A sphere of light appears to angelic music.*

ANGEL: Don't, Joseph, it's cool.

  • The light fades.*

NOSTALGIA CRITIC: You got lucky.


The Star Wars Holiday Special

  • "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it -- (gets up, tries to make a break for it)
  • "There goes my ability to control my bowels. Yup, I'm stupid now...don't care anymore."
  • Santa Christ!
  • Wookiee Christmas Carols...'nuff said.
  • Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine discussing the need to close down Bea Arthur's bar on Tatooine.
  • The Critic's horrified reaction to the "Grandpa Wookiee" watching some strange holographic video.
  • "Ve hear you've been hiding Jewish Evoks"
  • "Well that just perms my hair."
  • "Santa Christ, Santa Christ. We all love Santa Christ!" 
    • "He played bass for Aerosmith! Reads to sick orphans, too! He goes surfing in space and makes really good fondue!"
  • All the wookie growling making his ears bleed.
  • The Critic being baffled at a Stormtrooper tripping over his own gun: "Imagine someone like this in a real combat situation. Oh look, some rebels! " *takes out gun pointing it upwards, mistakenly shoots himself in the head and falls over* 
  • The commentary by Doug and Rob has some, too. E.g. the Wookie version of the Brady Bunch theme song.
  • "They show you every. Single. Solitary. STEP!!!"
  • "Gawd! They sound like humpback whales GETTING THEIR DICKS CHOPPED OFF!!"
  • "A big lipped—" "Don't—don't use that. If you point them all out, we're gonna be here all night."
  • The Critic saying that he feels like he's getting stupider while watching the part with the instruction video:

"There goes my college education."
"There goes whatever 5 times 5 equals."
"There goes my name. Don't... don't remember it anymore."
"There goes the ability to control my bowels. *Poops pants* I'm stupid now, I don't care".

  • "Is that Greedo? Hmm. I guess he did shoot first."
  • DO SOMETHING!!!
  • "So we see Han Solo and Chewbacca fighting the stock footage from the first movie..."
  • Him comparing the animated sequence with the cutscenes in the CD-i Zelda games.
    • "GAH! When did Han Solo turn into Richard Gere's chewed-up caricature?"
  • The entire "Stir, whip, stir, whip" sequence.


Ernest Saves Christmas

  • Santa Claus in Dr. Ho
  • "M, V, M, V, M, V, M, V..." * cuts to Clip of Star Wars Holiday Special* "Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip... "NO! NO! WE'RE NOT GOING BACK TO THAT!"
  • Any line making Douglas Seale the most badass Santa ever. "It's time to open a can!"
  • "Wassup, my niggaz?"
  • The Crazy Taxi gag. 'Nuff said.
    • 100 Mugging Points!
    • "Don't forget to hit the Asians!"
  • Ernest in Santa's sled crashing into Superman. "That's one messy Christmas."
  • The Running Gag involving Santa's...erm...sack.
    • "QUIT CALLING IT THAT!"
  • "Aw great, ya blew up the......Santa Pun-O-Meter? Why do I have one of those?"
  • "Call the police!"
  • "Ernest, You Need to Get Laid."
  • "You Missed! But you can still get Jack Skellington."
  • The Running Gag about Santa's list

Santa: I had a list of names. There were several hundred, but for one reason or another, they were eliminated until you were the only one left.
NC: Woah !, Santa's got mob ties. (As Santa) I broke their merry little thumbs and shoved them down the yuletide elevator shaft. Don't make me do that to you, Joe

Santa: Joe, I thought this motion picture was called Christmas Sleigh?
Director: S-L-A-Y. It's about an alien from outer space.
NC: It's made by Uwe Boll? [Santa punches the director] Yeah, I'd hit someone who works for Uwe Boll, too.

  • Any lines of NC saying anything in the Santa voice;

Lying girl co-star: That's my mean uncle, he works me like a slave and locks me in the basement-
NC as Santa: You sit upon a throne of lies.

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