Nostalgia Critic/Funny/2012 Episodes

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Santa Claus: The Movie

  • The Critic begins by announcing that he'll do another Christmas movie to end December, causing Douchey McNitpick to pop up and complain that Christmas is already over. The Critic shoots him to shut him up.
    • Also kind of funny, considering that, due to a computer virus, it wasn't even released in December (there's a reason we filed this under 2012 episodes).
      • And, according to the old traditions, Christmas season isn't technically over until January 6...
  • "I've invented JAPAN!!"
  • *Angrish* "FOR FREEEEEEE?!?!"
    • The reenactment of John Lithgow's acting coach's instructions during that scene.
  • The Critic's getting choked-up over Patch's leaving scene, with one of the reindeers crying.

"Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la--" *sobs*

  • During the scene where Patch's toys are falling apart and Patch is watching in horror as children cry, the Critic proceeds to show Arthur mocking the children.
  • The Critic's incredulity at the lengths Movie!Santa goes to make his delivery, even at the cost of his wife and reindeers' lives, and wonders if Real!Santa would do the same. Cue Santa Christ appearing, having weathered three snowstorms, two tornadoes and a tsunami to give the Critic a Sega Genesis...only to find out that the Critic already has one. He slams the door on the way out.
    • "Hellooo, eBay."
  • "And if you look at our 5-Day forecast you'll see that we get...RAIN!!" *Happy dance to marching band music*
    • It's even funnier for someone from Northeastern Iowa, as they use that region's weather map.
  • Christmas II: GARBAGE DAY!!!

Phelous: Let it go.
Critic: I know...

  • Mozart's Requiem playing during Santa's sorta-Heroic BSOD.
  • "Alaka-child-abduction!!"
    • And before that, the Critic's darker take on the elves rescuing Santa and his wife and giving him eternal life:

Critic as Elf: *Cheerfully* You will live here now!
Critic as Santa: What?!
Elf: You'll deliver toys for all eternity!
Santa: I didn't agree to this!
Elf: You will live forever!
Santa: I have some questions about all--
Elf: *Still cheerfully* Or we can throw you out in the snow to die! Would you like that better?
Santa: ...No...
Elf: Alright then! Get to work, slave; we're not paying you anything.

    • Later...

Elf: Your wife will also be our impregnated elf queen.
Santa: What?

Elf: Nothing. TOY MAKING TIME!

Critic: "This is the creepiest North Pole ever put to film! At least it would be, if this weren't all a hallucinogenic dream, followed by death."

  • Fade in to the scene at beginning of the film, only to cut back to the Critic*

Critic: "Okay, okay, that's not the real ending. But wouldn't that be awesome!?"

  • The note at the very end of the video saying not to tell Linkara he's reviewing the odd-numbered Star Trek movies next, as he'd want a cameo.
  • The Evil Popcorn-munching Man strikes again!


Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Chester: I cannae du it cap'n! I dinnae have th'powah! Or the, uh... [rattles cup] ...money?

Critic: [sighs; tosses him a penny]

Chester: [cha-ching] Thank you!

  • Showing Bill and Ted whenever the V'Ger cloud makes its electric guitar chord.
  • Chester getting an incoming cameo critic, and the Critic fearing that it's Linkara. Instead it's Angry Joe...who proves he's just as much of a Star Trek nerd as Linkara.
  • Fastforwarding through the reveal of the Enterprise, complete with dialogue and actual audio from Spaceballs.
  • "My Oath of Celibacy is on record, Captain." *Beat* "Anyway, how's your sex life?"
    • Also, he succeeds in averting a Spit Take when he first hears Ilia's line, only to do one when The Room line gets added in.
  • "Hey, sir! Listen to this! Luuuuuke! I am your father."
  • When Bones gets beamed up, the Critic starts playing "Stayin' Alive".
  • The Critic describing Ilia—post-V'Ger takeover—as the perfect woman, to the outrage of the audience's female members:

"Am I wrong, ladies? Am I--" *SLAP!!* "Ow."

  • "This is just watching a bunch of footage and then seeing someone comment on it! Who would want to watch that?!"
  • The Critic and Joe's reenactment of the KHAAAAAAAN!!! scene, brought on by the lack of action and cuts in the film:

Critic: Angry Joe, why didn't you tell me?! Tell me there's an edit coming up! These shots are going on forever! Please, give me a cut! Just give me a cut!!
Joe: *sitting exactly like Khan* Oh, I've done far worse than give you no cuts. I've hurt you...and I wish to go on...hurting you. I shall leave you as this movie left me...left all audiences...marooned in the center of a dead screening. Bored out of your mind...bored out of your mind...
Critic: *trembles with rage* CUUUUUUT!!! CUUUUUUT!!!! CUUUUUUT!!!!!
Joe: *expression of blissful schadenfreude*

  • When Spock begins recording his transmission before going into V'Ger, the Critic sums it up as "We'll be back after these messages". Then the video fades out and actual Blip commercials begin to play (provided you haven't ad-blocked them or watched the review on YouTube).
    • One could say it's just as funny even if you've watched the review with the ads blocked/on Youtube.
      • What follows after is just as funny:

Critic: Chester! report!
Chester: We were intercepted by a word from our sponsor!
Critic: (...) Raise shields against any more commercial plugs!
Chester: Aye, sir! ...Incidentally, the raising of the shields is brought to you by the delicious taste of Diet Coke.
Critic: CHESTER!!
Chester: Sorry!

  • Near the beginning, with the female Vulcan Elder mind-melding with Spock...and getting "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" for her troubles.
  • "Uh, I joined Starfleet to pay for college. Is there any chance we couldn't blow up on my first mission?"
  • During the V'Ger reveal, the Critic at one point desperately tries to liven up the interminable effects shot by splicing in an 'action sequence' -- which turns out to be the same shot of a crew-member hurrying through a (slowly) closing door used in an earlier effects shot.
  • As Decker and Ilia have their "cheesy romantic past dialogue," the Ethereal Choir from Airplane! starts playing, complete with the failed high note at the end.

Ted Striker: What a pisser.

  • "Oh, it turns out I've been saying his name wrong all this time. It's not Spock; it's Spooooock..."
  • Also, the credits, which apparently stars William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Deforest Kelly, "and the rest!"
  • The Critic's comments on the opening of V'Ger resembling the Sky-Gina from The Langoliers.
  • "Need I remind you of the Holy-shit-you-nearly-killed-us moment not a few minutes ago? Ye twat."
  • "SPOCK SMASH!!" *gets zapped by the probe* "OW!!! SPOCK NO LIKE THE SHINY THING!!"


Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

  • Opening the review with a recap of The Wrath of Khan, done in the style of Batman.
  • Squeeing over how cute the monster-thing is, nicknaming it Balzac, and his breakdown later on when it dies.

Critic: You screenwriting bastards, you killed my Balzac!!

    • He even adds a final tribute after the stinger: "In loving memory of Balzac. You were a good boy."
  • The Sci-Fi Guy's cameo, tricking the Critic by being slavishly nice as he's about to die, and then killing him via explosion instead.

That Sci-Fi Guy: As a sci-fi nerd, it's kinda required by the law that I own everything Star Trek related, even the really bad stuff like the Christmas Special.
Critic: There was a Christmas Special?
That Sci-Fi Guy: Yeah, it's only legally viewable in Amsterdam.

Sarek: Oh god, look at all the green-skinned whores. Is this all your mind is filled with?!
Kirk: The thoughts need a hobby.

  • Comparing the voice of the alien trader McCoy speaks with to Stitch. The Critic makes for a convincing Stitch.

"Geeeenesiss??? Itchi-bah."

  • "Any time you want to use the word 'tiny', just use the word 'Takei' instead."
    • Later, during the Vulcan "sex", the use of George Takei and his catchphrase. "Oh my!"
  • When Kirk is ordered to surrender the "wessel": "Well I have no idea what a 'wessel' is...so I can't surrender it."
  • "Wabbit twacks!
  • Practically orgasming over the "Spocker" sex sequence before dropping the act and feeling disappointed over how tame it is.
    • "Spock, when a pretty girl tells you to finger her, that's not what she means."
  • The Critic's strange, temporary Christopher Walken impression his voice goes into after the commercial break.
  • Enterprise + Countdown = BOOM!
  • When Kirk kicks Kruge in the groin:

Kruge: [in a squeaky voice] 1.21 Jiggawatts!?!

    • And then, when he is knocked off a ledge to his doom:

Kruge: I WAS FROZEN TO- *destroyed upon impact with lava*


Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

  • When Sybok approaches J'on, the Critic adds the dramatic music from Lancelot's approach in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
    • Topped with Lancelot actually appearing, complete with slashing of one guard, with the other guard saying "Hey..."
  • The conversation between Shatner and the producer, with Shatner trying to get the three-breasted cat lady[1] into the movie.
  • "I can't believe I'm saying this: 'A Romulan, a human, and a Klingon walk into a bar.' Don't look at me, I'm sure it was written that way in the script."
  • Responding to Kirk's "I'll die alone" line.

Critic: Or with a bald man, trapped under a bridge, gasping for air, but I know it's one of those two!

  • The "Row Row Row Your Boat" sing-along. Complete with follow-the-bouncing-ball. And Shatner's head for the ball. And singing children who apparently think that "boat" is pronounced "boyt".
    • Then, pouting when he can't sing "Row Row Row Your Boat" for the second time, as the crew board the Enterprise-A.
    • "Row Row Row Your Boat, gently down the stream! Merrily merrily merrily merrily, lif—WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING??!!!"
  • He compares the writing to The Little Rascals, even noting that Spock's reaction looks like the dog's.
  • Throwing in The Joker's "People will die!" line into the hostage video.
    • Immediately after that, noting that in the hostage video, J'on looks a lot like Voldemort.

Critic: "What, was a representative of Hogwarts on that planet too?
"AAAAAVADA KEDAVRA!!!" *screen goes white*

  • Not being able to hold in his gag reflex and throwing up onscreen at the Uhura fan-dance.
    • Not to mention him weaponizing the "cut-to-commercials" gag to avoid said scene:

Critic: Save me, Corporate America!

    • The Critic's take on what the men running toward Uhura were really thinking.

Man: "Quick, put some clothes on that woman! Frank, give me your robe!"
Frank: "But then I'll be naked."
Man: "Trust me, it'll be better!"

    • It get's better:

Uhura: "Hello boys! I've always wanted to play to a captive audience."
Man: "For the love of God, don't rape us!"

    • And later, he tries photo-shopping Catherine Zeta-Jones's face onto Uhura's. It doesn't help.
  • Of Chekov: "I'm not done mispronouncing things. Hand over all your wascally wabbits."
    • And as the Enterprise evades a Klingon torpedo by warping away: "Meep-meep!"
  • Comparing the inconsistent deck numbers as the Power Trio rocket by them to a video game glitch. Made even better by showing Spoony's DC Universe Online glitch video.
  • All the comments about the so-called "dangers" of the Great Barrier.
  • The Cowardly Lion as God: "I'm the Messiah! I'm the Messiah! Hallelujah!"
  • His defense of God asking for a Starship, noting that God has asked for some rather bizarre things before:

"Jesus, die on the cross! Abraham, kill your son! Moses, wander through the desert for about 40 years!"

  • The death of "God" by the Klingon Bird-of-Prey:

Critic: So...a photon torpedo barely hurts it, but a few shots from a tiny, little laser finishes it off?
Spock in the Original Series: *beat* Logical.


Star Trek: Generations

  • The Critic lampshading his (sometimes) over-reliance on film clips in place of jokes and awkwardly making a reference to a "Sauron" in an obscure comic-book reference instead of the obvious.
  • After Kirk meets Sulu's daughter on the Enterprise-B, who says she's heard so many things about Kirk:

Critic: Yes, [pulls out a copy of "To The Stars" by George Takei] like how he originally wanted to be the captain of the Excelsior in Star Trek II, but you wouldn't let him. Uh, how you didn't show up to Gene Roddenberry's funeral, that was pretty douchey. And, uh, how you're just an all-round great big prick. It's a fascinating read!

    • And related to this, making fun of the obviously awkward interplay between Kirk and Scotty, and the fact that the two actors are clearly having difficulty hiding their dislike for each other.

Critic: I'm contractually obliged to like you!

  • "So, as they go out on their first trip, just for a routine test run, there's--say it with me now--'a distress call. They're the only ship in range, and they don't have the proper necessities, but they're going anyway.'" *smiles proudly* "I have trained you well."
  • The Critic describes a much saner way to get to the Nexus:

Sauron: Shuttle, please. *cha-ching* My God, was that easy! Hello Nexus, how are you?

  • The "I'm homeless, you moron" look on Chester's face when the Critic remarks that it's not like he needs residuals of the Non Sequitur Scene meme.
  • When Geordi is beamed back to the Enterprise after being held prisoner:

Critic (as Geordi): Oh, it was terrible. They tried forcing my name to Toby.

    • Also, the Critic complaining that he gets groped while passing through airport security, while Geordi doesn't even get searched for spyware after he's returned to the ship.
  • The memorial and gravestone for the little girl's teddy bear. Right next to Balzac's.
  • "TOAST!! WE HAVE TOAST!!!"
  • Spot...will live.
  • The ending, with the Critic rejoicing that he's nearly made it through Star Trek Month without a cameo from Linkara... only to have a screen pop up announcing a crossover with Linkara next week.
  • The Running Gag of the Batman style recaps of the previous film giving up upon realizing that the move to the The Next Generation era makes it pointless.
  • "So that's Star Trek Generationsitmakesnosense."
  • Just as Picard and Riker beam up from the wreck of the Enterprise bridge:

Picard: Picard to Farragut...
Critic: What'd you call me?!!

  • "Ah, it'll be good to see the ship once agai--" *KABOOM!!!* "--Aw, goddammit! Number one, I gave you two orders while I was gone! Don't blow up the ship and don't sleep with anything! I thought the LATTER would be more probable!!"
  • The Critic pointing out that Geordi gets kidnapped so much you could put him in a cell with Robin, April O'Neil and Princess Peach and he wouldn't be out of place.
  • The subtle Hypocritical Humor that he would take his child out of the ship as soon as any Klingon spoke a bad word.
  • "I just wanted to go to the So'op!"
  • Remarking that James T. Kirk's Famous Last Words were in fact... a George Takei impression.
  • This exchange regarding an average fan's reaction to the film's technical language:

Riker: Data, can we blah blah blah the technobabble?
Data: Maybe. If we yadda yadda yadda, there's a chance it'll boomity boomity. It's very unlikely that it'll homina-homina, but we'll give it a shot and of course it'll work.
Riker: All hands brace for boomity-boomity!


Star Trek: Insurrection

  • The Critic beginning the review running through Kami-Con screaming (pausing to have a Q and A session) and trying to hide from Linkara in That SciFi Guy's room. Just when he thinks he's safe, however...a very cross Linkara himself appears on his TV screen, complete with Ironside playing in the background and the most epic expression of horror on the Critic's face.

Linkara: Hello, Critic. Start the review.

  • Upon entering the Guy's room:

Critic: (Puts his hand over Sci-Fi Guy's mouth and whispers) It's him.
Guy: (muffled) Who?
Critic: (looks around furtively, whispering) Linkara.
Guy: (still muffled) Linkara?!
Critic: (loudly) Lower your voice, Sci-Fi Guy!!

    • "In Star Trek circles, he's simply known as...Linkara."
    • The awkward pause after the diabolical (and uninterrupted) laughter.
  • Linkara pointing out how the Critic gets facts about films wrong, referencing his mistake from Battlefield Earth.
    • Also when he starts, Linkara pulls out a massive stack of papers. Makes you wonder what exactly the errors he found were.
  • The Sci-Fi Guy's confusion over whether he's in this review or not:

The Nostalgia Critic: Well, it's kind of just a "duo" thing.
Sci-Fi Guy: But...it's my room.
The Nostalgia Critic: Yeah...
*Awkward pause*
Sci-Fi Guy: Okay, I guess I'll just go stand silently in the corner. *Does so*

  • Any time the Critic screams into the Sci-Fi Guy's pillow and clangs his head inside a garbage can, while going crazy from Linkara's casual geeky nit-picking. Linkara even has access to every Star Trek episode so he can show proof of all the inconsistencies of the movie with the show!
  • The Critic wondering whatever happened to the Bolian who appeared in one scene and simply vanished.

Critic: [to music from Titanic] Who were you, Blue Man...?

  • "So (Picard) meets up with the Oompa-Loompa Queen, who then proceeds to partake in the ritual of making bald men look like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz."

Critic: But Picardahontas...

Linkara: I would have gone with Jean-Lucagawea.

Critic: Heh. Okay, that's pretty funny.

  • The apparently-pointless attempt at Picard's backstory being interrupted by enemy fire, and the Critic's take on it:

"You know, this reminds me of when I was a little girl in Ala--" *BOOM!!!* "Whoa, what was that?!"

  • The Critic fulfilling the "One Exploding Head Per Crossover" clause of Linkara's contract by asking Data if stem cells, abortion, and the death penalty are morally sound.
  • Linkara pointing out the Unfortunate Implications of the film, as Picard had taken part in at least two forced relocations during the show, one of which was a group of Indians:

Linkara: But hey, these are white people and not Native Americans, so it's totally different I guess!

  • The "video game":

Picard: Do you think the moving of 600 people to save 800 billion people is ethically sound? [[[Beat]]] You have selected "Yes". You are, of course,wrong; Game Over.

  • "Thanks for saving me with your technology. By the way, I hate technology!"
  • "Stay with me! Don't let go of this moment!"
  • The Critic and Linkara don't even mention that F. Murray Abraham is in this until the review is almost over:

Linkara: So, in a twist, or at least I think that's what they're calling it, we find out that the dying race, called the Son'a, are the exact same race as the Ba'ku! They just left the planet so they didn't have the healing powers that the Ba'ku had!
Critic: So, as you can see, the ethical standpoint of this movie is so weak, that they had to make up other reasons to hate the bad guys!
Linkara: Well, you can also tell he's the villain by the fact that he looks like Salieri's skin melting.

Critic: Oh yeah, I forgot. That's F. Murray Abraham, isn't it?

Linkara: It's okay. I think even he forgot he was F. Murray Abraham in this picture.

  • The Critic's reaction to the one funny joke:

Worf: The Son'a crew would like to negotiate a ceasefire. It may have something to do with the fact that we only have three minutes of air left.
Critic: So bored by the rest of this, I can't even bring myself to laugh at that.

  • When Linkara—to the Critic's chagrin—wants to go over Star Trek: Nemesis after the review, the Guy suggests that he simply turn off the TV. The Critic does so, only to have the audience demand that he review it.
  • As the Critic turns the TV off, Linkara's reaction is priceless (particularly when one recalls part of Linkara's shtick is that he doesn't curse in his reviews).

Linkara: What the fuc--

  • This bit:
  • After Sci-Fi Guy returns from the corner*

Critic: I hoped you learned your lesson.
Guy: What lesson? I didn't do any--
Critic: Do you want to go back to the corner?
Guy: ...No...

Patch Adams

Critic: Ya know, I'm really regretting writing this character...

    • Another classic facial expression occurs during one of these scenes. This troper calls it the expression of a wasp that's just been swatted.
    • Which culminates in the Critic shooting him at the end (twice), and reassuring that he will not be a Recurring Character.
  • The stuffy British Angrish whenever something "unorthodox" comes up.
    • "NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME???!!!"
    • "THE ORTHODOX LEVELS ON THIS ARE MOST UN!!"
    • "There's ORTHodox... there's UN-orthodox... and there's MOST UNORTHODOX!! ...YOU ARE HE-AAAAAH!!!"
    • "MOST UNORTHODOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!!!"
  • "First, we will heal patients...and then, the world!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!"
  • The sequence mocking the "look beyond the problem and focus on the solution" scene involving the Critic suggesting putting out a fire with a banana.
  • In response to a terminally-ill patient's wish to wade in a swimming pool filled with noodles:

Critic: *awkward pause* ...Look up Japanese porn; I'm sure you'll find something.

  • The Critic's utterly horrified reaction to Adams' shaping the hospital doors like a vagina.

"ZACK MORRIIIIIIIIS!!!"

  • The Critic taking a scene and putting it in the corner to save it for later, only for the scene to activate the commercial break.

Adams: What happens if a doctor becomes emotionally involved with a patient? What's wrong with that? Does the doctor explode?
Critic: Well, if you count bullets blowing up the head of your fictional dead girlfriend, yes! Yes, they fucking do!!

  • "This is my way of telling you you have cancer!"
  • The Critic's rage at the movie's disrespect towards the real Adams and his work, culminating in him flipping the movie the bird and a big--

"FUCK...YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!"

    • And later:

"FEED on it!! FEED ON IT!!! LET IT FESTER!! LET IT SSSSSINK INTO YOUR CONTRIVED, MANIPULATIVE ANUSSSSS!!!!!"

  • The Critic recommending a monkey stuffed-toy as a cure for Carin's traumatic childhood, and the ensuing spazz-out.
  • Once the Critic reaches the part where Carin is murdered, he is initially truly and utterly saddened to the point where he debates whether or not making a joke about it would be in bad taste, even regretting his comments from earlier. So he looks up Wikipedia for her real identity for inspiration...only to find that in real life, the character is based on a man. A male best friend whom Patch had absolutely no romantic involvement with, who died a different way much earlier than was presented, and who never had an abusive childhood. The Critic then proceeds to take off his belt, put the movie over his knee and whip it!!
    • "BAD MOVIE!!! THAT'S A BAD, BAD MOVIE!!!!"


200th Episode: Ponyo

  • The title card isn't related to Ponyo at all: just the Critic being surrounded by a faceless angry mob.
  • His 200th review opens with the Critic in his panel, announcing what he's reviewing...and is mobbed by angry fans in response!

Mob behind the door: *chanting* Crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify him...!

"ASSHOOOOLE!!!"

Critic!Fujimoto: Did you have fun?
Critic!Ponyo: Yeah!
Critic!Fushimoto: Did you take a lot of pictures?
Critic!Ponyo: Yeah!
Critic!Fushimoto: Did you taste blood?

Critic!Ponyo: Yeah--I mean, no!

Critic!Fushimoto: Oh! You did, you tasted blood! *both laugh*

Critic!Ponyo: ...Yeah.

Critic!Fushimoto: Who did you kill?

Critic!Ponyo: A Kardashian.

Critic!Fushimoto: Oh, well that's okay.

"Macrophiliacs are creaming themselves right now. Don't know what that is? Uhh...don't look it up." *beat* "Stop going to the Google bar!"

  • The scene when Sosuke's mom talks with his dad via searchlights/Morse Code:

Mom: BUG OFF BUG OFF
Dad: AT LEAST YOU GET MORE THAN 4 LINES IN THIS MOVIE

  • The Critic going "Kawaii!! Kawaii!!".


Dunston Checks In

  • The Critic cutting off his own opening line mid-sentence to yell "Monkeys aren't funny!"
  • Demonstrating how water humor works, and then getting punched by a giant arm with a boxing glove.
  • The Cliche Checklist with Jason Alexander and the boys.

Critic: And let me guess, he's the boys'--
[Text saying "Father" with picture of Darth Vader appears.]

Critic: --and the mother is--

[Text saying "Kaput" with picture of Bambi's mother appears.]

Critic: --and the great big fancy party is happening--

[Text saying "Tomorrow" with picture of Annie appears.]

Critic: --and the odds of any plot device being original in this movie is--

[Text saying "Zero" with picture of Zero appears.]

Critic: Could you just fax me the disappointment I'm going to receive?

  • The Critic getting excited at the prospect of the main character's dog actually dying—only to be incredibly disappointed when instead, it lands in a trashbin for another "messy" joke.
  • The return of the Traumatic Childhood-Cure Monkey Plushie.

"...I'm going to Hell..."

  • The Critic's disgust with the cliched "mistakes monkey for another human in their bed" joke, cracking that it's been around since the dawn of Man:
  • A group of chattering apes cluster around a pillar*

Ape A: Hey guys, I totally think we should do a bit where a guy sleeps in bed with a monkey and he doesn't know it.
Ape B: I dunno, that sounds like it might get old fast.
Ape A: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! *clobbers B with a bone club* We're also gonna put babies in Super Bowl commercials! That will never get old!
Other Apes: Babies? Genius! Can we make them horribly lip-sync?

Ape A: YES...WE...CAN!!!!

  • Playing a clip from The Critic that mocks the "mistaking a monkey for a human" scenes during Faye Dunaway's massage.
  • His Reation to the Paper-Thin Disguise:

"Pair of glasses? Fools people. Turtle in a trenchcoat? Fools people. Chimp in a chair? BULLSHIT!!!"


Thomas and the Magic Railroad

  • The Critic wonders why none of the trains' mouths move when they talk, and illustrates how even he, using cheap tools, can produce a more convincing special effect.

Critic!Thomas: Say, why is the town we live in called "Sodor"? Is it the retirement home for The Lord of the Rings villains?

  • "Sparkle, Sparkle, Sparkle!"
    • "FUCK YEAH, SPARKLE SPARKLE, SPARKLE!!"
  • The intro summarizing the film like a piece of Oscar Bait until he gets to Thomas the Tank Engine and wonders why Thomas is in a movie with Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin...until he's told it's the exact opposite.

"WHA--" *interrupted by title*

  • The Critic's "Generic Song."
  • His constant naming of the show as "Thomas the Fucking Tank Engine".
  • A little version of Doug appears, offering to take the Critic to "Cordor", which turns out to be exactly like the real world except for a mask that can smell garlic chicken spring rolls.
    • "Yum."
      • The way the Critic looks into the camera and shakes his head afterward, like he's in a bad PSA.
  • As Alec Baldwin appears in front of Stacy Jones, she just acts naturally, prompting the Critic to say:

Critic: Uh...heh heh. No, lady. The proper response is "AAAAHHHHH!!! DEMON!! DEMON!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

  • His reaction to the first Alec Baldwin breakdown:

Critic: No, you need to try the anti-psychotics, honey...

    • Later, he's convinced that it would be an Oscar Bait film, but after filming Alec Baldwin's breakdowns, they decided to make a kid's film.
    • The Critic's reaction shots to Baldwin's scenes are priceless!
  • How he looks ready to cry at the thought of only existing as Alec Baldwin's delusion, the irony being that he is just someone's persona.
  • The ending, with the "Sparkle, Sparkle, Sparkle!" guy ending up in the Critic's house and the two of them going offscreen all friendly.
  • The Barney sequence:

Barney: "I love you, you love me...some shit's going down, be ready for it..."

  • Freeze-framing on Alec Baldwin "accidentally" flipping off the camera to grab a pair of shears.
  • After Baldwin lands safely on some bags, he tells the audience that they put those there. The Critic comments that the same thing could be done with any movie.

Critic: You did that. You.

Critic: You did that. You.

"Shows Edward saving Bella from an oncoming car"

Critic: You did that. You. *beat* For shaaaame!

  • His increasingly exasperated reaction to Peter Fonda's Wangst.

Fonda: No, you won't! Because the magic you refuse to believe in...will get the better of you!
Critic: *pause* You know what? Go back to being depressed...I think I like you better that way.

  • "Prepare to meet Amtrak! In Hell!"
  • The Running Gag of the Critic wondering if trains have sperm and if they reproduce.
    • "I mean, do trains have sperrrm??"
  • As Alec Baldwin has his mental breakdown, he says that "it's totally understandable, but not always acceptable". He then says to "look a what he did to Percy the Train". Cue the Critic editing Alec Baldwin's phone rant with his daughter with an image of the Conductor and Percy.
  • When Baldwin lets out a little scream near the end, the Critic remarks that he finally sobered-up and realized what movie he was in.


The Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F***-Ups Part 3

  • Even though he admits that he did not know that hitting the aquarium glass does disturb and scare whales, the Critic still wonders why they didn't just put up a "Do Not Tap Glass You Little Idiots" sign.
  • The Critic saying that he has nothing against floors after being accused of an anti-groundite
  • The Ironic Echo of the Battlefield Earth freakout, first complaining about the film again and then screeching incomprehensibly about everyone being awful in chipmunk time. It culminates in Douchey having an Even Evil Has Standards moment, deciding not to make him not do fuck-up lists anymore and even closing the episode for him.
    • Over the Channel Awesome logo, which normally plays the worst line of the reviewed movie, the Critic is still chipmunk-screaming about Battlefield Earth.
    • This scene.

Critic: You know, it just hit me. Why don't you come on as a fact checker?
Douchey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Critic: Why not?
Douchey: Because then I couldn't complain about it.

    • Really speaks at the heart of Internet...erm...douchery.
  • The Critic confirming that Dr. Bitch Spasms is Killed Off for Real. He pauses after he mentions his name. Nothing happens, and then knows full well that the audience expected him to appear, but in reality, his corpse is still lying on the floor.

"...I should really do something about that corpse."

  • After going over the screwup from Star Trek Generations (Dr. Soran couldn't just fly into the Nexus with a ship), the Critic hints at screwups from the Star Trek: Insurrection review. He summons Linkara, who bluntly replies:

"There's a commentary. *link appears* Boom. Go listen to it. Sorry about some of the audio issues."

  • The Critic and Douchey almost having a bonding moment...over incredibly unhealthy food.
    • What, haven't you ever had sugar frosted burrito stuffed hot pockets?
  • "People. I am here to make jokes. Calm the fuck down."
  • On Bella: "I guess that means we can like her now, right?" *cue long, awkward silence*


Richie Rich

  • The Critic commenting on the kids chosen to be Richie's friends:

Critic: *deep voice* And God said unto Noah, "Bring me one of every stereotype, and you will have your crappy 90s movie," and Noah said--
Spoony: *visibly annoyed* No!

Critic: And God struck him down with lightning. The End.

Critic: I believe that's bad screenwriting for "insert your plug here". *cue commercial break* NO GODDAMNI--

    • When it returns, the Critic uses a grenade to stop a Bill Cosby jell-o puddin' pop commercial.

"Jell-O Puddin' Pop is the best kind of puddin' pop...Oh my goodness, a grenade. *BOOM!!!*

Van Dough: Shit.
Critic: There's your PG-rating, folks.


Jungle 2 Jungle

You laugh, but then you wonder if you're going to Hell for laughing.

  • Comparing the jokes to unfunny episodes of Home Improvement.
    • Then comparing them to the Geico Cavemen show.

"You totally forgot that existed, didn't you?"

  • The Critic throwing rocks at pets to see if the owners will respond with playful laughter, like in the movie. They do not; instead they throw knives.
  • His PSA to writers to stop putting the word "angel" in screenplays and putting characters that are angels in movies, since those always seem to do poorly. Unless they're doing a parody of It's a Wonderful Life. His proof makes it surprisingly legit!
  • His explanation for how a movie with a jungle boy connects to the Russian Mafia: The...
    • Loyalty of the stock holders was at risk so they...
    • Ask people around who have money, they all have...
    • Zany solutions but one seemed...
    • Investment worthy with...
    • No backfires at all so they...
    • Entered into a deal of business with them,
    • Sneakily and...
    • Smoothly.
  • His call back to the "pot and pan" confusion in his recent F***-Ups video.
  • "Pushy Bushy", and the sequence that follows regarding it.
  • "The Russian Mafia is scared away by a spider." *beat* "I wish I was exaggerating that."
  • The Critic calling Mimi-Siku "Poca-hunk-as" at one point.


Old vs. New: Red Dragon

  • The Critic getting distracted by the old cereals when the father is talking to the son about being in a mental hospital in Manhunter, also serving as a nice Call Back to cereal being his Trademark Favorite Food.
    • "Have Life and Grape Nuts EVER changed their logo!?"
  • The Critic noticing Frankie Faison (who played recurring character Barney Matthews) also appeared in Manhunter as a cop, like he's in two different dimensions. Cue Doctor Who reference.
  • The bit where he introduces the segment discussing the different versions of the Tooth Fairy...which then cuts to a poster of the Fox film starring Dwayne Johnson.
    • "Man, wouldn't that have been a different film!"
  • He ends his review by repeating Hannibal's famous line, and then we cut to him poshly ordering the food from a take-out.


Star Chaser

  • The Opening shtick for the review: in short, the Critic's still convinced Sage is The Devil.
    • It doesn't help that Sage is still wearing the cloak, too...

Critic: The things you review aren't well...you aren't well! I don't wanna watch some cop with grenades tied to his pubes or something!

Sage: Oh Critic, have a little more faith in me than that. If I were to show you something from my...personal collection, it might very well kill you. And if you died, well...I'd have nobody to play with. *Slasher Smile*

  • "Oh hai, [Star Wars character being ripped-off]!"
    • (rubbing eyes) Son of a bitch, it is 3PO!
    • Even better:

Critic: Oh hi, Boba Fett!
Sage: Nope.
("Boba" takes off their helmet).
Critic: Oh hi, Leia!

  • Later on when Orin cuts a steel door with his sword, it cuts to Qui-Gon Jinn doing the same in The Phantom Menace. They almost question it but write it off as a coincidence.
  • The stupid guards:

Orin: "Guard, I have something for you!"
Critic!Guard: "Oh boy oh boy, I hope it is candy--" (gets stabbed) "That is not candy."

Critic: Wait, wait, wait, wait...This movie has fans?
Sage: Yeah. In fact, just recently it's been announced that plans are being made for a live-action remake.
Critic: (beat) ...They did that; it was called STAR WARS!!

  • The Critic's reactions to the robot probing scene.
    • To elaborate, the Han Solo-Ripoff has inexplicably stolen a fembot and is trying to reprogram it. The ship (C3PO) then tells him that the personality controls are in the posterior.

Fembot: You wouldn't dare...
Critic: He's not really going to...
Sage: Oh, he's going to. See that face? That's a man who's about to plunder him some ass.

  • "Well, that seals it! We went from Star Wars to Star Whores in a matter of seconds!"
    • "Oh, it just gets better and better. Give it a few more seconds, and we'll have a Cinema Snob review."
  • The Critic's lackluster reaction to The Sage's review threat:

"It looks kinda stupid and silly, but not awful. No, I'm not afraid!"
"Oh, you will be..."

Critic: ...Cool.

  • Some weird robot creature crawls out of the swamp Orin found himself in. Cut to the Critic asking:

Critic: Sage, what's that?

Sage: Hell if I know.

Critic: It looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Geiger's nightmare.

Sage: Nooooo, this looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Geiger's nightmare.

  • cut to the robo-monster with creepy music in the background*

Sage: It's the eyes, isn't it?

Critic: The eyes! What's up with the eyes?!


Raiders of the Story Arc: Transformers

  • The Critic as Optimus Prime asking if they want to see more explosions/giant robots/racial stereotypes/hot women objectified at a convention. When he asks if anyone wants to see more Shia LaBeouf, only one person cheers.

"All right, all right, so there may be some hope for you yet."

    • And before that, the Critic as Victor Caroli detailing how low the Transformers franchise has fallen since their contract with Michael Bay, as well as the upcoming Ninja Turtles film.
    • Transformers 4: Explosion of the Boobs.
  • The Cinema Snob as Critic!Prime's agent, Jerry, and their conversation:

Critic!Prime: Christ, Jerry. Did you see the look on their faces when I mentioned the movie? All that misguided optimism; it's like telling a blind kid they're gonna pet a bunny when really, it's a porcupine.
Jerry: Look, the product sells and you're still popular.
Critic!Prime: So is Jersey Shore.
Jerry: Your last film grossed $1,123,000,000 worldwide.
Critic!Prime: But at what cost, Jerry? At what cost?
Jerry: I told you: $1,123,000,000 worldwide. Now get some sleep, we've got some more auditions to get through. I'm gonna go do coke off a prostitute who's also doing coke in a hot tub.

Critic!Prime: That's not physically possible.

Jerry: I'll find a way.

"You know, I'm aware of the phrase, 'Keep your friends close, and keep your enemies closer.' Me personally, I'm a fan of, 'Keep your friends close, and kill the son of a bitch who's been betraying you every single chance he gets.' It is the Autobot way!"

    • Not to mention his theory on why Megatron still keeps Starscream around despite all that: he makes great cookies.

Starscream: Starscream Cookies are more than meets the icing!
Megatron: You're wrong, Starscream!
Starscream: I'm always wrong!

  • On the classic transforming sound:

"Admit it, you could listen to that sound effect for hours. If you could choose the sound of your orgasm, it would be that sound and you know it."

  • The list of unused Autobot names.
  • "HIT HIM WITH A ROCK!!"
  • Spike's new moniker of "Pussy-Pillow".
    • And how he got it, trying to save Sparkplug from Rumble by punching him in the back. Rumble looks back for a full second before slapping Spike away like a fly.

"Fuck you, asshole!"

Megatron: Soundwave, ready the army!
Soundwave: No -- I am tired of doing all the work and having no personality -- I want a Story Arc -- something that gives me depth -- I want a romance -- yes -- a Romantic Comedy -- perhaps a relationship with the toaster -- the toaster can be stuck up and high class -- I will be quirky and giving in to all sorts of antics -- at first she doesn't like me — but then — she admires my silly charm -- we get to know each other better -- but then she discovers — I was keeping a secret the whole time -- I try to explain I held this secret because I love her -- but she is too emotional and filled with hate -- so she decides to marry the snob -- a real uptight guy with no funny lines -- she is about to be wed at the altar -- but then — I come stumbling in — after going through some sort of comedic chase — I plead myself to her -- and at first -- it looks like she's not buying it -- but then -- her eyes tear up -- she turns around -- gives me a hug -- the snobby groom is angry -- but then -- my comedic Sidekick comes in and punches him -- the crowd cheers -- I tell the toaster I love her -- she says she loves me -- we decide to get married but we do not show it on screen because two weddings would just be repetitive -- so we end with kind of an open ending -- something like we're driving a convertible into the sunset or something -- this leaves it open for a sequel -- I want to be played by Zac Efron -- and Natalie Portman as the toaster -- there is a bit of an age difference but I think she looks young enough she can pull it off -- Disney has shown interest -- Gary Marshall is attached to direct -- it will be called Soundwaves of the Heart -- it will be rated PG-13 for crude humor and adult situations -- but nothing too bad -- just enough to let the male demographic know that it's edgy and we'll have some gross out humor for them -- and the female demographic will instantly be drawn to the toaster -- they will be able to imagine themselves inserted into the role -- it will be released in summer preferably over a holiday weekend -- it will break records -- win awards -- it will be the Sleeper Hit of the year --

Megatron: No!!

Soundwave: Dammit --

  • The parodying of the classic Ad Bumpers.
  • Critic!Prime trying to hide from Jerry using his powers of disguise...by hiding under the bedcovers.
    • Made better in that Jerry doesn't see it and thinks he's transformed into a lamp.
  • The "unedited" dialogue between Megatron and Optimus during their duel atop the dam.


A Simple Wish

  • The Critic's teeth shattering from child!Mara Wilson's cuteness. Funny to some, creepy to others.
  • The Trying Too Hard Alert.
  • The Bubble Factory's meeting on whether they should sponsor this movie or Titanic.

"FUCKING BUBBLES!!!"
"And who is that guy?!"

    • And apparently, the Build-A-Bear Workshop sponsored Terminator 2.
  • "[Martin Short's character] looks like Doctor Who graduated from Hogwarts!"
  • After calling out on the father's obviously dubbed-in singing voice (which sounds exactly like Dom DeLuise), the Critic "sings" a duet between Charlotte Church and Josh Groban.
    • "I gotta be half the cast of a Don Bluth movie in an hour!"
  • "WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT??!!!"
    • This was after an ultra-bizarre scene where Murray turns a homicidal hillbilly into a 50-foot tall rabbi (rather than "a little rabbit", as he was trying for).
    • Repeated again with the "torture" scene involving Murray and Annabelle dancing.
    • Especially the way it sounds like he's almost catatonic from pure shock, and can barely get the words out. And apparently Doug was so proud of that take that he used it twice.
  • The Big Bad's out-of-left field line involving her mirror, and the Critic's take on it:

Gargamel: I will destroy the Smurfs with all my magic spells! Mwahahahahahahaha!! But say, did you know the guy who did the candle in Beauty and The Beast was also in Law and Order?

  • silence; Azrael simply stares at him*

Gargamel: That's so weird!

  • more silence*

Gargamel: Hwahahahahahahahaha!!!

Critic: All right ladies, you're free to g-- *cue image of skeletons in dresses* --YIKES!!! *mimes shutting the doors, looking around awkwardly*

  • "Oooooooh, I caused The Hunger Games to happen..."
    • "But ya know I'm so quiirkyyyyy!!!"
  • The ending, where Mara Wilson herself appears, calling the Critic out on holding child actors accountable for the movies they were in, no matter their age. When the Critic refuses to relent, Wilson--to the Critic's utter horror--begins showing embarrassing videos of the Critic's childhood, snarking at them all the while.

Critic: My God, how could you be so heartless?! How could you be so cruel??! UNHOLY SHE-DEMON!!!
Mara: Well, so long, Critic. I'm sure now that the public has seen some of your brilliant choices as a child, they'll be just as accepting as you were of mine.
Critic: MAAAARAAAAA WIIIILSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!
Mara: *cackles evilly*


Alien Resurrection

  • "Jesus, bringing people back from two hundred years ago? There are so many rap battles that could evolve from this!"
  • The Aliens make a "Frink noise" whenever they snatch someone.
  • His "fuck you" to the movie when it does a Bait and Switch of all that shameless lesbian teasing and end up with two unattractive guys "kissing" (i.e., just touching their lips together) instead.
  • The Critic's reactions to the newborn hybrid alien and how the filmmakers designed it to make the audience feel sorry for it.

"I just wanna eat humanity and devouw bwains. Is dat a cwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime?"

    • Also, his reaction to how the film swings back and forth between "sympathetic" and "terrifying"

"Aww, but I just want to play with the puppies...YOU COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
"Mommy, why would you do this to me? I'LL EAT YOUR ASS IN HELL!!!!"

  • "Could I say my line...any closer...to the camera?" *BANG!!* "Ow!"
  • The Critic's comments on how Winona Ryder's character always looks like she's about to throw a temper tantrum.
  • "Brad Dourif. No questions, dammit! No questions."

"You know, I think the only reason we let Brad Dourif act is because we're afraid of what would happen if he doesn't."

    • The Critic's reaction to the bizarre interaction between Dourif and the Alien.

Critic: (after alien gets sprayed down) Hey, you were putting the moves on HIM!

  • The reason that one Xenomorph didn't immediately kill the crew? He was distracted by an ad he saw earlier. *cut to commercial*
  • "Alright buddy, there's two kinds of aliens on this ship: those who like the Nostalgia Critic's Transformer cartoon review, and those who don't like the Nostalgia Critic's Transformer cartoon review! Which are you, boy?"

Alien B: I just would've liked to have seen a more in-character--

  • starts getting torn apart*

Alien B: The Brad Jones cameo was pointless.

  • gets torn some more*

Alien B: The Optimus Prime bit got old!

  • gets torn one more time*

Alien B: It just...wasn't...funny... *dies*

  • The Critic's reaction to the people that were supposed to watch over the aliens running away.
  • The Critic's skit when Ripley single-handedly yanks off a facehugger, despite it being shown in previous films that its borderline impossible.

Facehugger: (attaches itself to the Critic)
Critic: (nonchalantly flicks it off) Annoying!

Critic A: [takes off his hat in respect] Let us have a moment of silence for that black guy.
Critic B: You know, I...don't think that'd have killed him--
Critic A: No, no, he's dead.
Critic B: I'm just saying, he could have easily swam out--
Critic A: WHY CAN'T YOU ACCEPT THE INCREDIBLY RARE FACT THAT A BLACK GUY HAS DIED IN A HORROR MOVIE??!!!
Critic B: I'm just saying--
Critic A: You racist?
Critic B: How does that even...sure!

    • Later, during the "Bitch Later Folder" about Cole:

Critic B: If Cole could swim out, why the fuck couldn't the black guy?!
Critic A: You racist?
Critic B: I don't think you know what that means.

  • The Critic's confusion over Purvis' sudden boost in energy as the Chestbuster starts to emerge.

Critic as Purvis: Oh my God, I feel something about to burst out of my chest! Oh, that's strange; I have a sudden burst of energy. I want to jazzercise, let's do a little Tae Bo, HUP, it's kicking...!!

  • Chestburster kills him*

Chestburster: Hello my baby, hello my honey!

Lone Starr and Barf: Check, please!

  • The Critic looking forward to Ridley Scott's return to the franchise, only for the screen to fill up with Scott's lesser works.

"Let me dream!"

  • The Obligatory Dr. Horrible joke near the beginning: "I'm looking at you, Wormtongue!"

"Blood and guts...slimy too...shoulda stopped...at movie two..."

  • When Gary Dourdan's character (the guy with dreads) shoots up at the ceiling, with the bullet ricocheting several times before penetrating one of the guards' helmets, the Critic edits the film so that the bullet bounces off the Eiffel Tower, the Pyramids of Giza, the Moon, and Charlie Sheen's head.


Jack

  • When the movie begins:

Bonasera: I believe in America...

Critic: Oh, I'm sorry, I meant wacky Halloween party! Whoo hoo hoo!

Bill Cosby: This house is falling faster than my movie career.
Robin Williams: Mine too. Hoho!

    • When Bill Cosby has to eat some bizarre mixture of mayo, gummy worms, and chocolate the boys make:

Critic: Oh, come on, he's had worse. He's worked for Jell-O.

Robin Williams: I'm quirky, which is good. I fought things and I won. I'll be saying this in the next five movies I'm in. I'll apologize by doing more stand-up.

  • Randy Newman writing a song about being sad.

"Sadness. It makes you feel bad. At least both your parents weren't eaten alive by a rhino! That'd be funny.

  • Comparing Fran Drescher's voice to Christopher Walken swallowing a cat and a velociraptor's cry.
    • Plus, the ridiculous poofy dress she has on in her first scene. "Who's the ten year old in an adult's body again?"
  • The Critic pointing out the ultra-cheery music in the scene where the kids ask Jack to come out and play, but finds it doesn't work since Jack is still crying and not getting better. He wonders if this works with other crying scenes...and plays it over the ending to Marley & Me
    • Realizing he may have gone too far with that joke, he includes a hotline to call if you felt "scarred for life" from it.
  • Comparing Robin Williams' interpretation of a ten-year-old to a clip of Harry Potter at age 11 and the awkward stare-down that followed.

Snape: Mister Potter...
Harry: YES!!!

  • His utter horror that Francis Ford Coppola directed the movie, which he can't get over for the whole review, culminating in the laughably bad old man makeup for Robin Williams coming from the same guy who made Marlon Brando a very convincing old man.
    • Then there's when he first finds out about it, after bitching about how he's running out of jokes about Robin Williams. "Hell-oooo, new target practice."
  • The entire bit involving the...interesting job Jack's father has.
  • The Critic's line after the advertisement break can be hilarious depending on the last ad played.

"Yeah, that last ad was a little slutty..."

  • "Things are looking up, when he discovers his teacher is Jennifer Lopez. Actually, I imagine a lot of things would be going up as soon as he discovered that."
  • The use of "Finale/Reprise" from The Nightmare Before Christmas as Jack re-enters the classroom and everyone excitedly chatters about Jack.

Chorus: Jack's OK, and he's back, OK!


Heavy Metal

"Anyway, if it's one of the women on the site, I'm sure that I looking for a nice-looking piece of-- *sees Diamanda* FUCK!!! Good God, oh sweet Jesus, don't hurt me!!"
"Please, Mr. Joker, I'll do whatever you want! Just don't harm me!"

"Oh my God, we're hiring people like you now??!"

"You look like what I saw when I said 'Bloody Mary' three times!"

  • His complaining over having one-night-stands with women and them leaving him on his own right after the sex.
  • His impression of the Loc-Nar's rambling storytelling:

"Do you want snacks? This next one can get a little lengthy. There's not any naked women in it, but my guess is you're not into that anyway. *beat* I am. A lot!"

  • The Critic's denial that he has a crush on JesuOtaku.
  • John Candy of Gor!
    • When the girl Den rescues says she will give him any part of her he desires:

Critic!John Candy of Gor: John Candy of Gor likes your eyes.

*pulls her eye out; girl screams*

Critic!John Candy of Gor: Hey, you're lucky I didn't like your breasts.

    • Later, whilst having sex, the bad guys appear.

Bad Guy: Come!
Diamanda: I was about to, you damn furry!

  • The Critic getting fed up with the Loc Nar's lectures and calling it a "horny little green ball, who rambles a tad."
  • She-Man and the Big Tittied Mistress of Killing Shit.
  • The melting counter.
    • When no people have been melted for a while, the Critic is ecstatic when a whole town of people are engulfed in green lava, causing the counter to jump to 1,313...until it turns out they didn't melt, making a hilarious frown as the counter drops back to 4.
  • After the monsters emerge from the green lava:

Critic!Monster: Now, let's go get chicken.
Hagan!Monster: I'm a vegetarian.
Critic!Monster: Kill him!

*lasers fire*

  • "It's a car in space! The question is invalid!"
  • Diamanda's references to incredibly obscure sleazy movies, none of which the Critic even acknowledges.
  • When the Loc-Nar falls from space towards the WWII bombers.

Hagan: It's John Carter returning from Mars!

Critic: You saw that?

Hagan: Someone had to!

Yaaaaay.

  • When Diamanda comes back from being clobbered after killing a girl's father and trying to sleep with her, the Critic reassures her that they live in a bizarre world.
    • Not to mention, the Critic's reaction when Diamanda gets up & leaves to do that is a dumbfounded "You go outside?"
  • This exchange after seeing a Mad Scientist:

Hagan: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Critic: I think so. But how can I get Catherine Zeta-Jones in a Batman outfit?

Hagan: I was thinking about Insano...

Critic: Oh, yeah, Insano. (Beat) How can he get Catherine Zeta-Jones in a Batman outfit?


Mr. Magoo

  • When the Critic reminds us that he's not a fan of The Flintstones, he dodges a giant safe falling on his head. When he says he's not a fan of Mr. Magoo either, he gets a tiny safe that doesn't even faze him.
  • The Critic commenting on the inexplicable Vocal Dissonance between the animated Magoo in the credit sequence and Leslie Nielsen.

Critic: It's like if, in a Popeye movie, they started off with a cartoon in the original voice, but then suddenly cut to someone completely different.
*harp glissando*

Michael Clarke Duncan In A Popeye Suit: Yo. I'm Popeye and shit.

  • Calling a woman's hat a halfway iris-out.

"Eh, WTFsauce?!?"

  • Ernie Hudson blowing up Stephen Toblowsky's head with a proton pack.
    • And before that, the Critic's outraged reaction at Toblowsky 'hn'-ing Hudson.
  • When the female thief tricks Magoo into kissing a fish, he wonders if the fish's family is happy knowing where his body went.

Female Fish: Well? Did you see what they did with Howard's body?
Male Fish: *resigned* Yes. Yes, I did.
Female Fish: Please tell me the he's at least being used to feed a poor, starving family.
Male Fish: No, he's... *deep breath* He's being used for a live-action version of Mr. Magoo.
Female Fish: *in anguish* NOOOOOOO-O-O-O-O!!! Warner Brothers or Disney?

Male Fish: Disney.

Female Fish: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

    • Later, when Magoo tries to cook a chicken via TV instructions, he wonders the same thing:

Female Chicken Did you find Daniel's body?
Male Chicken: Yes.
Female Chicken So, are they putting him to good use?
Male Chicken: Well, you see, Disney--
Female Chicken: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

    • In that same scene, the channel changes and he follows an aerobics instructor instead. The Critic wonders how long until he switches to the porno channel.

Cooking Show Host: Next, I want you to--

  • channel changes*

Porn Star: --Put your big long cock inside me.
Critic!Magoo: Well, okay, if it insists! *humps the chicken, a "BA-CAW!" sound is heard*

  • "You've just been Hud!!"
  • The Critic calling the thieves "a children's stage play version of Catwoman and Bane."
  • When the movie says the female thief kills all her male accomplices and nobody has been able to finger (identify) her, the Critic responds "They die before they can finger her?", leading into a David Letterman cutaway to commercial.
    • After the commercial, he still continues to pretend he's David Letterman only to say: "What the fuck am I doing? Back to the movie!"
  • The Critic's reactions to the eggplant vehicle, including taking a shot of alcohol to do a Spit Take, a Big "What?" and:

Critic: Yeah, a giant eggplant! No, you didn't smoke anything, because that would mean that I would have smoked it, too!

  • Mr. Magoo's hastily scribbled chest tattoo is rendered almost illegible by the change in screen resolution, forcing the Critic to stare very hard to get a close look. He's not happy about it.
  • When Linda is making off with the ruby:

Critic: Oh good, the nephew will stop her!

*Magoo's nephew does absolutely nothing to stop her getaway*

Critic: ...Good job there.

  • When one of the villains is frozen and told to "freeze", the Critic pulls out a set of memes: "OF COURSE!!!" and "A-CHUCK NORRRRRRRRRRIS!!!". What's the third? "I was FROZEN today!!!"
  • "Did John McCain just bust my wedding??"
    • And later, the major disappointment at the weak payoff of Leslie Nielsen in a wedding dress going over the Falls.
  • When the Critic sees that Malcolm McDowell is in the movie:

Critic: And now we take a look at just who's running this so'op--Malcolm McDowell! God, I've seen this guy in so many of my reviews I should just have a warm glass from the Korova Milk Bar waiting for him.

  • The ending skit, where the Critic declares that he's going to beat up a blind man. It turns out that the blind man is Magoo, and--as the Critic finds out the hard way--is actually a complete psychopath who only pretends to be blind so he can park in a handicapped space.
  • The Kwisatz Haderach of stereotypes.

Top 11 Simpsons Episodes

Critic: You know what? You're a god-damned elephant!!

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  1. ↑ ("Vanessa!")
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