Portal 2/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


WARNING! Not only are there unmarked spoilers ahead, but some quotes within the Act folders contain unmarked spoilers for earlier and later acts.

In General

  • When you zap a turret with the "Thermal Discouragement Beam", it says in its usual, completely monotone voice: "Aaah. It burns." *BLAM* You kinda feel bad for the turret. And yet you can't stop laughing.
  • *CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.* The fact that GLaDOS has a slow clap processor is hilarious.
  • Any of GLaDOS' lines about Chell's weight. You look great, by the way. Healthy.
    • Then when Wheatley starts doing it. Look at her, you moron. She's not fat. Even better: And...what exactly is wrong with being adopted? Which she immediately spoils by whispering Just for the record: you ARE adopted and that's terrible. Just work with me.
    • My favorite was Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp.
  • The defective turrets. That is all.
    • Not to mention when you can place one of the defective turrets as a template, all the good turrets get rejected. Some of the comments are just hilarious

Turret: I did everything you asssssskkkkeeedddd!
Defective Turret: Heheheheh....

Turret: WHEEEEEOHNOOO!

Defective Turret: I'm, uh, I'm a bad man.

Defective Turret: Hey, be a sport, lady, and just tell 'em I killed you.

  • Some of the things Wheatley says when you don't move for awhile. If you don't jump down to a platform, he'll tell you to keep a good grip on him since he's more fragile than a plastic cup, and then thinking of what's the worst that could happen, immediately thinking of something worse.
    • After hacking the secret panel to get out, he falls on the floor and asks you to pick him up. If you don't do it for awhile, he'll say, "Oh, remember when you picked me up five seconds ago? That was amazing, do that again."
      • "Alright, I spy with my little eye, something beginning with F. Don't get it? Um, it was the floor. Where I am, waiting to be picked up. OK, next round, I spy with my little eye something beginning with A! ...Also the floor. That's what it was; and I'm still here, actually, waiting to be picked up..."
  • There is a mug (somewhere) that says "who farted?"


Co-Op

  • GLaDOS' reactions to you killing yourself in the co-op hub.

GLaDOS: How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test!

    • Die enough times in the hub and she adds:

GLaDOS: I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times you died in the hub.

  • GLaDOS reacting to P-body and Atlas preforming gestures in front of her cameras in Co-Op.

GLaDOS: Now you're thinking with stupidity.
GLaDOS: Now you're just not thinking!
GLaDOS: Yes, I see you. No, I don't care.
GLaDOS: You're going to hurt yourself doing that, and then I will be ecstatic.

  • Another GLaDOS line from co-op.

GLaDOS: Please note "points" refer to Science Collaboration Points, rather than points from competitions such as Who Gets To Live At The End And Who Doesn't. I mean, basketball.

  • The last puzzle in the hard-light surfaces co-op course. P-body and Atlas fling themselves at the same time and slam into each other to stop themselves right above a platform.
  • Dummied Out line from co-op: GLaDOS reads a Garfield comic and decides to give it her own...special touches.
  • The following co-op video makes GLaDOS' automated response in that chamber much funnier.
  • The wording of the following line from GLaDOS isn't what's funny... it's that she sounds so utterly dejected as she says it that you can't help but laugh.

One of my best tests and they let plants grow here. Can you believe this? You can't test plants. We tried.

  • "You saved science!" Doubles as heartwarming, since this is pretty much the only time we see GLaDOS genuinely happy with something.
  • The end of the fourth Mass and Velocity chamber. Usually the droppers only drop a single Edgeless Safety Cube. This one drops four. Then GLaDOS pipes in:

GLaDOS: Commence juggling test in 3... 2... 1...

  • If one of the characters accidentally kills another one during Co-Op, sometimes GLaDOS will provide the following observation:

GLaDOS: Orange just taught blue a valuable lesson in trust.

  • GLaDOS manages to get in an I Lied moment.

GLaDOS: Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the calibration tests? I Lied.

  • If one co-op partner dances in front of a camera, GLaDOS says:

GLaDOS: DANCING IS NOT SCIENCE.

  • The "Peer Review" DLC, which is guaranteed to require surgery after you damage your sides laughing uncontrollably.
    • GLaDOS has plenty of good lines, but this stands out.

GLaDOS: Let's see... "Turning Softbodies Into Hardened Killing Machines", page 70... Ah. "How tall are you, test subject? Four-nine? I was unaware they stacked human waste that high." Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Human waste is stacked at a median height of seven feet, five inches, and I AM aware of it. "Test subject, I've been told that your mother"... Mmm. Well, that's just disgusting. Do the training, while I look at this.

      • If you die a few times in that chamber, GLaDOS keeps flicking through the book...

GLaDOS: "If you can dream it, you can"-oh, for God's sake.

      • Or occasionally, she'll ask the player "Don't- you- die- on- me." Made even better as earlier in the year, Valve admitted to wanting to use this trope in some of their other games...
    • GLaDOS has a few good quotes if you die in another chamber as well...

GLaDOS: The subtext of that pit is acid. The content of the pit is also acid. I'll let you fully absorb it.
GLaDOS: Remember, these exhibits are interactive; like a children's museum. The pits are also filled with real deadly acid; like a well-funded children's museum.

    • Not to mention, the "night vision" section. "Night vision on!"
      • "NIGHT VISION OFF! NIGHT VISION OFF!"
    • The ending cutscene. Dear god, the ending cutscene. This is the part that will require surgery.
      • Specific high point, GLaDOS's reaction to finding that the bird has laid eggs:

GLaDOS: You know, shooing that bird out the facility just taught me a valuable l--Oh my god, she's gestating a clone army!

      • Coupled with ATLAS approaching the crow commando-style and P-Body's anguished scream when he does. The best part is ATLAS finishing up that motion by simply shooing the crow away.
      • And when it's all said and done, ATLAS is standing there with his hands on his hips, likely thinking "Oh yeah, I'm awesome."
    • May intersect with Fridge Horror, but the fact that GLaDOS managed to kill all the humans you found within a week in order to kill a simple crow is unbelievably hilarious.
    • The way that all three of them completely freak out when they see the bird, especially GLaDOS, who (unusually) totally loses all composure and panics. Of course, the bird isn't doing anything to provoke this reaction, which just makes it better.
    • In the first half of chamber 05, you'll pass by several enclosed offices. In one of them is a turret sitting at a desk. Looks like they really did decide to start hiring robots.
  • When you destroy your partner in Co-Op, Glados has the following lines:
    • First Kill: You have taught your partner about the folly of trusting others. +10 points.
    • Second Kill: I think your partner understands already. -6 points.
    • Third Kill: Now you're just being cruel. +50 points.


Perpetual Testing Initiative

  • Pretty much all of Cave's lines from the Perpetual Testing Initiative, but particularly his little war with "Dark Cave".
  • "Let's get ready to make love to a giant bird!" This troper barely managed to avoid spitting his drink.
  • Cave trying to push you to kill the other Caves, even thought it can destroy the multiverse. License-to-kill.
  • "Just wanna let the cafeteria staff know to lay off the Soylent Green. I'm holding a memo from the President, and it turns out that soylent green is... [paper rustling] let's see here... doubling in price."
  • Robot-a-Cop.
  • Cave: Greg tells me you might be getting some tragic flashbacks of your former life. Don't sweat it, those aren't yours. Due to a software problem, that's a real-time feed of Greg's current life. He's a sad little man.
  • Warden!Cave subverting the Air Vent Escape trope.
  • Mantis!Cave is either this or pure Nightmare Fuel.

"Those of you who volunteered to be injected with homo-sapien DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of man-mantises. Pick up a set of foreleg spurs, meso-thorax armor and tubercle sheets. You'll know when the test starts."

  • Space!Cave. Just Space!Cave.

Space!Cave: It's come to my attention that over half of our test subjects have only recently awoken from extended relaxation and were unaware that we're testing in space. So there it is: No conspiracy. No twist. We're in a test satellite orbiting the Earth. Commonly available information that absolutely anyone would have told you if you'd bothered to ask. Please stop forming groups of adventuring parties to uncover the big secret, because it's that we're in space.
Space!Cave: "Another adventure party smashed through the hull to learn the big mystery. Guess they were busy doing that instead of testing, because I've mentioned we're in space every half hour. By the way: still in space."
Space!Cave: Let's all give a big hand to the test subjects of Sphere Eighteen for bravely uncovering the company-wide conspiracy, which is that there's no air in space. Once again: We're in space. It's not a secret. I am sincerely regretting my decision not to install windows in this thing.

  • When you get the chance, stare into a portal where you'd be able to see yourself from it. Your character is so nondescript that they're rendered as a stickman from the demonstration trailers.
    • How do you know you're not just from the stickman universe?
  • "I'm Michigan Slim Cave Johnson." *plays harmonica* "I'm the hobo king."
  • "That shrieking voice you just heard is the lovely Blark-Barg, my assistant. She's the backbone of this facility. Sorry fellas, she's married -- to producing seeds that germinate and detach from her exoskeleton at high speeds in search of human hosts! [Beat] We keep her behind glass."
  • Blaperture Mesa, in all of its Take That glory.

Blaperture!Cave: They tell me you people are conducting some anomalous materials research that could result in a resonance cascade, so I'm shutting that down before you idiots end the world. A resonance cascade. You're supposed to be scientists! Use some common sense!

  • The telekinesis bit, and the way Alt!Cave deals with it.
  • The universe were Nice!Cave uses "Chariots" for no reason, and how Cave Prime is obviously annoyed by him.
  • The CaveDOS universe bit had his moments, from "Blackula or Latin Frankenstein", to " Greg and the boys are no longer working here."
    • CaveDOS rewriting the entire literary canon of the human race to include more Ghostbusters.

CaveDOS: Pure Intellect Cave here. Not to brag, but while you were cat-assing that last test, I rewrote the collective works of everything ever. If I gotta read this garbage for eternity, I might as well improve it. So next time you curl up with a time-honored classic and think to yourself, "Man, I do not remember the Brothers Karamazov busting so many ghosts," you can thank yours truly.
CaveDOS: Here's a question for you: Who is not afraid of no ghosts? [beep] As of just now, every character in every book by Virginia Woolf. Man, those things were dull.
CaveDOS: Stumbled on a book about a fella who lived thousands of years ago. Sacrificed himself to save mankind. Went by the name of Hercules.

  • "Anyway, this Earth is far too dangerous and we are pulling you out. [pause] Right after this test."
  • " I'm Cave Johnson. I'm host to a tiny but powerful demon who lives in a secret place in my mouth."
  • Cat Johnson.
  • The Invasion of the Body Snatchers bit.
  • "Maybe someday we'll achieve man's ultimate dream: to evolve into pillars of pure salt. Can't wait. [[[Beat]]] So salty."
  • "You all enjoyed a good chuckle at Cave's expense when I started monitoring for parallel universe invasions. You all tried to stop me when I tried to garnish your wages to build defenses against said invasion. Succeeded too."
  • Cave mentions a bunch of giant killer ants invading the country and attacking the Kentucky sugar reserve, but then it just turns out to be a movie Cave Prime saw and didn't want people spoiling the ending for him.
  • Cavina Johnson and Sally Sue Greg. Who are certainly not just Cave trying to fool the ruling matriarcy.


Act I

  • At the start of the game

Wheatley: Most test subjects do experience some..."cognitive deterioration" after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for...quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of...serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed! Although, if you do feel alarmed, try to hold on to that feeling! Because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage.

  • Well, have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world. I have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up 15 acres of broken glass. By myself.
  • The automated announcements:
    • One narrates how society has been taken over by some sort of unreasonable animal king. The visual on the wall screens shows a giant, leopard-painted, crown-wearing turret being worshipped by the masses.
      • Which shows up again in the ending.
    • "This next test involves how gravity and momentum apply to portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you."
    • Music always soothes the soul:

To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in 3...2...1...

      • According to the commentary, smooth jazz is always funny regardless of age, gender, class or culture.
      • Made even funnier when you realize the test chamber is completely incapable of killing you unless you decide to stand underneath a vital apparatus vent while it dumps out a cube. Which may be impossible to do in that test chamber.
      • Ratman's response to it: One of his paintings says "Smooth jazz fails"...
    • The hilariously thoughtless approach to mental stimulation:

"This is art. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, stare at the art."
BZZZZ! tick tick tick tick tick BZZZZ!
"You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you do not feel mentally reinvigorated, reflect briefly on this classical music."
Brief clip of classical mu--BZZZZZ!
"Now return to bed."

    • In a test that does not involve lethal military androids:

Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.

  • Another Wheatley quote, after you've grabbed the first portal-gun and the floor's collapsed underneath you:

Do you see the portal gun? ...Also, are you alive? Should have asked that first, um, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna come back, in an hour, if you're alive, we'll meet then, and if you're not, I'll bury you. Alright? Go team!

  • When GLaDOS wakes up:

GLaDOS: Oh. It's you.
Wheatley: You know her?
GLaDOS: It's been a long time. How have you been?
Wheatley: I think she likes you!
GLaDOS: I've been reeeeeeeeally busy being dead. You know, after you murdered me.
Wheatley: You did what?!
GLaDOS: Look...we both said a lot of things that you are going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For Science!. You Monster.

  • "We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me, I tested you. You killed me, I... oh, no wait, I guess I haven't killed you yet. Well, food for thought."
  • At the start of the game:

Wheatley: "I'm going to try a manual over-ride on the wall." (rams Chell's room into the wall)

    • Even better: The wall that he thinks is a docking station has written on it "DOCKING STATION - 500M DOWN".
      • Even better: he can read signs. He's just afraid of heights.
  • At the first turret-chamber:

GLaDOS: This next test involves turrets. You remember those, right? The pale spherical things full of bullets. ...No wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck!

  • After you finish the second test...

GLaDOS: Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. Seriously. That's what it says. A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.

  • Bird hate isn't exclusive to GLaDOS

Wheatley: "BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD"

  • GLaDOS' "surprise," in a darkly humorous way:

GLaDOS: I made it all up. Surprise.

GLaDOS: I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what: let's give your parents a call, right now.
keypad beeps and ringing
"Operator": The birth-parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up.
beeeeeeeeeeep
GLaDOS: Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.

  • When Wheatley first enacts his "plan."

Wheatley: (in a horrible accent) Hey, buddy! Ah'm speakin' in an ac-cent that is beyond her range of hearin'! Ah know Ah'm early, but we need to go, RIGHT NOW. Walk casually to-ward my position, and we'll go shut 'er doun!
GLaDOS: (clearly annoyed) Look, metal-ball. I can hear you.
Wheatley: (normal voice) Run! I don't need to do the voice! Run! Run!

  • Wheatley speaks Spanish:

Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor, consulta el manual. [1]

    • Translation: "You are using the translation software incorrectly. Please consult the manual."
    • it gets even more hilarious in the Spanish version where it's inverted and the error phrase is said in English.
  • "Sarcasm self test complete!" "Oh good, that's back online."
  • Near the beginning of chapter one.

Wheatley: Do you understand what I'm saying? Just tell me 'Yes'."
On screen [Space] Speak
Wheatley: Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But never mind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.
On screen [Space] Say apple.

Wheatley: Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight."

    • If you stick around, Wheatley has quite a few hilarious things to say about that apple...
  • Wheatley's insistence on you turning around when he's 'hacking' something. But if you use portals to sneak a peek at when he's hacking the turret room, or just turn around fast enough to watch, you can see that the method he uses is less 'technical' and more 'physical'.
    • You don't even need to actually see it; you can hear glass smashing and see the splintered glass in front of the window, making it just as funny.
  • When Wheatley turns evil, this quote stands out.

GLaDOS: You're the moron they built to make me an idiot!

    • And right before that, we have:

GLaDOS: The engineers tried everything to make me...behave. To slow me down. Once, they even installed an Intelligence Dampening Sphere. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.

  • Some of the stuff said when you don't react at all. For example, GLaDOS and Wheatley both arguing about switching the cores.

GLaDOS: Do not put that little idiot in my mainframe!
Wheatley: Yes, you should put that little idiot into the mainframe!
GLaDOS: Don't do it.
Wheatley: Do do it!
Wheatley: Yes, that might be correct, but where it's incorrect, is that while I've been stalling you WE JUST PRESSED THE BUTTON! Usethemomentofconfusionandpressthebutton.

  • Any of Wheatley's ideas of what hacking entails. This ranges from slamming into things, to trying to convince a computer monitor to shut itself off by talking to it, to figuring out a password by going through every combination alphabetically. He manages to get to AAAAAC before getting confused. He also skipped AAAAAB getting there.
  • This next test chamber was apparently designed by one of Aperture's Nobel Prize Winners. It doesn't say what the Nobel Prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for being immune to neurotoxin.
  • "Warning! Neurotoxin has reached dangerously unlethal levels!" (Neurotoxin pipe crumples up and makes the entire machine collapse)
    • Best thing about that sequence: the balcony from which you watch the implosion was put there specifically for watching the neurotoxin generator implode. The door is labeled "Implosion Observation Annex", and there's a sign on the wall reading, "In case of implosion, look directly at implosion".
  • The scene where Wheatley argues with a nanobot worker named Jerry, shown here in all its glory.
  • On the path to the Neurotoxin:

Wheatley: I'm absolutely guaranteeing you 100% that it's this way. (he goes down one path, only to re-emerge a second later.) No, it's not this way.

  • In the showdown with GLaDOS, when she tries to pipe in the neurotoxin:

GLaDOS: Well, I guess we could just sit here and glare at one another until somebody drops dead. But I've got a better idea! Say hello to your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath, and hold it.
Wheatley rolls out the neurotoxin tube, smashing the cage
Wheatley: Ow! Ooh! Ah! Uh! Ow! (drops in front of Chell) Hello!
GLaDOS: ...I hate you so much.

  • This troper found the GLaDOS fight to have some of the best lines in the game:

Announcer: New core detected.
Wheatley: Ooh! That's me they're talking about!

  • Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I am making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
  • The turret redemption line. The defective turrets are already listed under General, but the good turrets get their own moments in this area.

"WheeeeeeeeOHNOOO!!"

  • And the insults continue...

GLaDOS: According to the test results, that jumpsuit makes you look stupid. No, really, there's a note right here. It says it looks fine on everyone else, but on you, it looks stupid. But what would some neckbearded old engineer know about that? ...Oh, it says here that it was a woman. Well, what does she know? ...Oh, wait, she had a PhD. In fashion. From France!

  • If you zoom in on the volcano science fair project, you can read what it says.

Problem: Can you make a baking soda volcano that is as cool as a real volcano?
Conclusion: It is not as cool but at least it cannot catch on fire.

  • Some of the defective turrets say some pretty funny stuff considering the standard they're supposed to meet:

[Turrets have to shoot a target]
Normal Turret: Target acquired! *shoots*
Broken Turret: *click* Uh. Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Broken Turret: *click* Well, gave it all I could! Can't ask for more than that!
[Turrets have to meet scanner standards]
Template Turret: Hello?
Broken Turret: C'mon, Coach! You gotta put me in the game!
Broken Turret: So... we're all supposed to be blind, right? Not just me? Alright, fantastic!

  • You find a door labeled "GLaDOS Emergency Shutdown and Cake Dispensary. Keep Unlocked." Turns out, it was just a fake door used to lure you into a trap, and the walls start closing in on you. The funny bit is what GLaDOS says as they do.

GLaDOS: I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that. In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead for when you got through this easy one. If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.

  • You know how there's this device that builds turrets, boxes them, and sends them away? They never get around to being shipped away. They are sent to a second machine that unboxes them and most of the time even disassembles them to send the parts back so they can make more turrets. Not kidding, it's stated here at 1:21.
    • Oh, wait, wait, it gets better. While brand-new turrets are recycled, the boxes are just thrown on a pile.


Act II

  • In the opening scene:

GLaDOS: Oh hi. So, how are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.

    • Really, the mere existence of PotatOS is hilarious.
      • Especially the fact that you carry her by skewering her on one of the portal gun's prongs. You know Chell did that for just a small bit of payback.
      • Well, that, and she probably would have been emancipated otherwise.
    • After she resolves her potato power output issues and realizes she can't be too emotional, this quote stands out:

We're still going to figure out what the hell is going on here, but calmly.

    • And after that, as she continues to figure out who Caroline is, her first thought on the subject is "Did I kill her?" She's just so contemplative about it; good to know she sticks to what she knows she does most.
  • At one point, you need to open a massive hatch. The thing is a good thirty feet across, made of metal, a foot thick and plastered with warning signs. You need to portal from one side of the huge room to the other to hit two switches quickly enough to open it, whereupon it grinds ajar with a shriek of protesting metal, a flashing red warning light and a siren to reveal...a wall. Bricked-up and painted off-white. With a teeny tiny perfectly ordinary human-sized door in the very bottom, like an afterthought. Complete with a tiny little chair next to the door, as if Johnson felt the need to put a security guard behind the massive 10-story vault.
    • Not only a wonderful achievement by the Valve team in delivering 1) probably the largest damn door compared to a character POV in a game since Halo or something and 2) executing a hilarious sight gag, but also, illustrating the outright insane approach Cave Johnson's Aperture Innovations had to designing virtually anything: huge and costly expenditure of money, resources and energy for a tiny little result. Spectacle often seems more important to the mad old coot than anything else.
  • When potato GLaDOS freaked out upon seeing a bird.

Ahg! Bird! Bird! Kill it! IT's EVIL!

    • Before then, when you find her in an office of some kind:

Oh, hi. Say, you're good at murder. Could you - OW! - murder this bird for me!?

    • Doubles as a stealth pun. The bird appears to be a crow.[1]
  • One of Cave Johnson's final pre-recorded speeches as he rages at his imminent death.

Cave Johnson: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take back the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
GLaDOS: BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN! Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!

      • Many YouTubers are convinced that GLaDOS' loud and frequent exclamations of "YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!" are Johnson giving her an Immodest Orgasm.
    • And given Cave Johnson's track record up until that point, it is not out of the question for him to have created combustible lemons.
    • Funnier almost as a shout out when you remember that Yahtzee said this little gem: 'Imagine if Valve released Half-Life, then a few years later they released Half-Life again with exactly the same plot but with better graphics, different level design, and maybe one new gun, like a tube that shoots lemons.'
    • Then someone went and made them - I call them "lemonades"!
    • Really, most everything Cave says it pure comedy gold. The quote that had this troper pause the game to catch his breath:

Cave Johnson: Oh, in case you get covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: [ruffles papers] DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel. We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this, it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.

Cave Johnson: All these Science Spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistence of cough, or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos. Good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older you're laughing. Worst case scenario you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you've forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.

    • More Cave Johnson:

For those of you who volunteered to be injected with Praying Mantis DNA, I have good news and bad news. The bad news: The test's been delayed indefinitely. The good news: We have a much better test for you. Fighting an army of Mantis Men! Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test begins.

    • He's the gift that keeps on giving, really:

This next test has tiny nanoparticles in it. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna swim through your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules into your tumors. Now maybe you don't have any tumors: well don't worry, if you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.

    • Cave Johnson's philosophy:

In this next chamber, we're going to have a Superconducter pointed at you the entire time. I'll be honest with you, we're just throwing science at a wall here to see what sticks. No idea what's gonna happen. Best case scenario, you get super powers; worst case scenario, you get tumors, which we will cut out.

    • Even more Cave goodness:

Science isn't about "why?" It's about "why not?" Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out because you are fired! Not you, test subject. You're doing fine. Yes, you! Box your stuff! Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.

      • It's even funnier hearing it, as the phrasing goes "Yes, you! Box. Your stuff!" Given the track record of Aperture Science, the idea of them hiring an actual box is surprisingly plausible.
  • Anything said by Cave Johnson, or Rick the Adventure Sphere.
  • From near the end of Chapter 7:

GLaDOS: I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body! And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have NO plan! *Beat* Wow. I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one, and that's with some generous rounding. Still, though, lets get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity!

    • Made funnier when you realize that GLaDOS is the one saying this. In a potato.


Act III

  • GLaDOS' attempt to kill Wheatley.

GLaDOS: THIS! SENTENCE! IS! FALSE! Dontthinkaboutitdontthinkaboutitdontthinkaboutitdontthinkaboutit!
Wheatley: I'm gonna have to go with...true. Definitely true.
GLaDOS: It's a PARADOX, there IS no answer!

    • Made all the more hilarious because the Frankenturrets in the room understand it, and start to short out. Frankenturrets are smarter than Wheatley. See for yourself.
  • The ending. Specifically, the scene where Chell has finally escaped: as she looks around, she hears a noise, and the Companion Cube (charred to Hell and back) is spat out of the door. Depending on just how much you loved the Companion Cube, it may double as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming. Depending on how recently it came out of the incinerator, that heart could be pretty damn warm.
  • I'm in space.
    • I know you are, mate! Yep...we're both in space...
      • Spaaaaaaaaaaace!
  • Dad, I'm in space. [deep voice] I'm proud of you, son! [normal] Dad, are you space? [deep voice] Yes, now we are a family again!
  • All of the faulty cores are basically some of the most hilarious parts of the game.
    • The Fact Core's information is sometimes correct. Sometimes...it isn't.

"Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity and dying of radioactivity."
"Contrary to the popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do however have 234 words for fudge."
"In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than four percent of poor people are able to do this."
"The Schrödinger's Cat paradox states that a cat in a box must be, for all intents and purposes, alive and dead until someone opens the box. Schrödinger invented this theory as a justification for killing cats."
"Whales are twice as intelligent and three times as delicious as humans."
"The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty."
"Cell phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis."

"The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone involved screamed the entire way."

"At some point in their lives, 1 in 6 children will be abducted by the Dutch."

"If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: One comes before two, comes before sixty, comes after twelve, comes before six trillion, comes after five hundred and four. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal."

"Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit. They are found in Australians."

"In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning."

"Before the invention of scrambled eggs in 1912, the typical breakfast was either whole eggs, still in the shell, or scrambled rocks."

  • The turret opera. With the Animal-King turret in the background and the massive lead singer turret, which is also a brick joke as you can see it taking the elevator in an early chamber.
    • And you know it's the end, because the Fat Lady was singing.
  • Two words: Wheatley Laboratories.
  • Wheatley attempting final Boss Banter. And being bad at it.
  • The final level had a lot of these:

GLaDOS: Well, this is the part where he kills us.
Wheatley: Hello. This is the part where I kill you.
CHAPTER NINE: THE PART WHERE HE KILLS YOU

Achievement Unlocked! The Part Where He Kills You
—This is that part.
    • Which becomes even funnier when you realize the only reason there could possibly be to add that achievement/trophy was so they could do that.
    • Wheatley lays a turret trap for you only for them to be the defective turrets that you and him set up for GLaDOS earlier. One of them is still in it's box.
      • The dialog during this, if you stay in this room, is just hilarious.

"Are you dead yet? (Beat.) How about now?"

    • He then gets the real turrets and then goes on a rant about how he's got all the cards in his hand, saying that they're all full houses, and then says he's never played cards and then says something about an Ace of Fours.
    • When you get into the excursion funnel, he starts Evil Gloating. If you get out of the excursion funnel, he says that he had a really good line. When you get back in, he gloats about how you were foolish to get back in, so you can get out... this repeats a couple more times until he gets frustrated and tells you until you play along he's not going to continue his rant.
    • Then he gets a crusher and says this:

Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. Holmes VS Moriarty. Aristotle VS Mashy-spike-plate!

    • THEN something breaks, and he wonders out loud if it killed you, saying it'd be great if it killed you. He then has an idea and tells you not to die until he gets back.
    • "Clever. Very clever. And FOOLISH! You're at my mercy! And I don't have any! You're at my nothing! Spinny-blade wall!"
      • "Machiavellian!"
    • Later on he offers a crusher as a "death option," saying that the "death traps" have been a bit of a failure, and that if you don't take it, he will absolutely kill you once you get to his "lair." Funnier still, if you actually do fall into the crusher (or jump into it), he'll exclaim "Huh! I didn't think that'd actually work." and "walk" off, as it were.
      • You can chuck a mine at his screen when he says this, and he says "So that's a no, then well, may the best man win." [starts to leave, comes back quickly] "Sphere. May the best sphere win. Bit more clever that. Sphere. Books."
    • Go back to Wheatley after he tries to kill you.

Wheatley: Oh wow, you...you actually came back. Huh. I didn't plan for this, so...can't reset the death trap... Oh! I know! Could you just jump into that pit?

      • Complying with Wheatley's offer gets you an achievement.
      • Wheatley trying to convince you to jump into the pit by listing various things that are naturally not down there is full of comedic gold: your birth parents, a three-portal gun, an escape elevator, a french jumpsuit, a tailor for the jumpsuit, a handbag, a yacht, boys who don't care if you have brain damage, a boy band, and a pony farm].
      • If you stay after he finishes listing everything, GLaDOS comments:

GLaDOS:You really do have brain damage, don't you?

  • When Wheatley is running Chell through "his" tests (actually made by GLaDOS), he tries to give away the answer. The interface rig shocks him. Once Chell completes the test, GLaDOS claims it was easy - all you had to do was pull a lever. Since you actually had to press a button, Wheatley tries to correct her... and gets shocked again.

GLaDOS: He he he. I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die, but that was worth it.

  • Near the end of the final boss:

Announcer: Corrupted core, are you ready to start?
Wheatley: What do you think?
Announcer: Interpreting vague answer as "yes."
Wheatley: Nonononononono, didn't pick up on my sarcasm!

  • And also during the final boss:

Announcer: Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed. Reactor Explosion Uncertainty Emergency Preemption Protocol initiated: This facility will self destruct in two minutes.

I'll bet you've made this whole thing up, haven't you? I bet there's no such thing as a "reactor core!"
Look out! I'm right behind you! ...No, of course I'm not. Forty-feet-tall, right in front of you. Not my greatest ruse...
I didn't actually think you'd be such a Worthy Opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain-damaged? Yeah, brain-damaged like a fox...
Oh! And another thing! Football! Kicking a ball around, for fun, cruel, obviously, metaphor! (choked voice) Should've seen this coming...

Just ten pounds of useless dead weight. Soon to be two hundred and ten. Fatty.

  • While Wheatley fails horribly at running the facility.

Wheatley: Sorry about the lift. It's, uh...out of service. Because it melted.

    • As well as pretty much everything after that until you arrive at the next test:

Wheatley: Might as well give you the tour. To your left...you'll see some lights of some kind. Don't know what they do, but very sciencey anyway. And to your right...something huge...hurtling towards y--OH GOD, RUN, THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!
A testing chamber almost crashes into Chell, but stops just short
Wheatley: Are you alright back there? Here, I'll turn the beam off.
The excursion funnel turns off, dropping Chell through the roof of an office
Wheatley: WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT, OH NO NO, THAT'S NOT HELPFUL! Rrrgh! I don't know why I thought that would help!

  • GLaDOS' reaction to Wheatley's attempts to foreshadow your incoming death trap.

GLaDOS: Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore. Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
*Wheatley drops a pipe filled with Conversion Gel in the hallway Chell was currently walking through, smashing a hole through the floor and getting Gel on everything*
Wheatley: Sorry! Butterfingers!
GLaDOS: Either way, I get the impression that he's about to kill us.

  • Smash all of Wheatley's monitors when you get to the rooms GLaDOS built. Vadalism = Hilarity. Some of Stephen Merchant's finest adlibbing.
  • Some cut dialogue reveals that some of GLaDOS' glitches go far beyond static and defaulting to a random language.
    • Way to make it even funnier? Imagine Ellen McLain in the recording booth making those noises.
  • Wheatley succumbs to Tempting Fate at several points during the Final Boss battle.

"Nobody's going to space, mate!!"
"Take one last look at your precious human moon, because it cannot help you now..."

  • After the credits, notice that the Space Core is orbiting around Wheatley... implying that he is dense.


Trailers and other promotional materials

GLaDOS: These next tests require cooperation. Consequently, they've never been solved by a human. That's when you come in. You don't know pride. You don't know fear. You don't know anything. You'll be perfect.

  • At the end of the co-op mode trailer, the robots face a massive obstacle course. They run forward in a ridiculously Badass way - and instantly explode.
  • An IGN preview gives us this little gem from GLaDOS:

[To the robots in the coop mode] The two of you have forged an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest.

  • The Valentine's Day pre-order trailer. An especially great bit is when the intended valentine is offered a massive diamond[2]- she throws it in the air, it crushes her, with the footnote that around four out of five people are killed every day by falling diamonds, and then another guy comes up and runs off with the diamond. (Yes, you read that right. Four out of five people every day.)
    • Said co-worker is seen lazily spinning around in his chair throughout the trailer. After stealing the diamond? He's seen lazily spinning around in his chair with the diamond on his lap for the rest of the trailer. Also note the turret working at a desk in the background.
    • Not to mention how when the valentine is offered a box of chocolates, she gracefully picks up the box and smashes it into her face, sending one chocolate into her mouth and the rest on the floor, and then throws the box away. And if you buy your girlfriend flowers, a giant bee will spear her through the head with its stinger and fly away with her.
  • Panels: The Planks of Tomorrow!

"That is not a panel. That's a crusher. We sell them too."

    • Panels being described as safe... whilst one repeatedly slams P-Body against a wall.
  • From the Bot trust trailer:

Cave Johnson: "The solution? Robots!" [Clip of a prototype Atlas beating itself in the face with a frying pan] "Then fire the guys that made those robots and build better robots!"

    • While Atlas hits himself, the words "Unilateral Force-Induced Isokinetic Breakfast Trials" appear in the corner. But wait, it gets better!

Cave Johnson: "Then, run those robots through a regimen of trust exercises, creating a foundation of mutual respect, reinforced by the simulated bonds of artificial friendship. Inspiring stuff. And finally, we put that trust to the test! Bam!" [P-body pushes Atlas to its flaming destruction in exactly the same way the human at the beginning of the trailer did.] "Robots gave us six extra seconds of cooperation! Good job, robots."

  • From the trailer on turrets, how they 'fit' the bullets in, and Cave Johnson going over the various "styles" turrets come in.

"They come in hundreds of designer colours, including Forest, Desert (I'm different!), Table, er, Evening at the Improv, what idiot picked the-"

    • Then there's the turret design. All the turrets are loaded simply by dumping a huge pile of ammunition in from the top. Plus, they are built with an empathy chip... and an empathy suppressor.
    • Also, in that line-up, the last turret on the line is facing the wrong way.
    • At the end, a turret is assigned to guard a baby's room, making you wonder if Valve reads VG Cats.
    • "We fire the whole bullet! That's 65% more bullet per bullet!"
  • And now from Boots, you have a test subject flinging himself across a room from approximately 600 meters above the ground (according to Aperture's scale). However, the test subject has no heel protection and smashes into the ground, even flailing wildly before impact (a nice touch for first person). Two EMI doctors rush up with a stretcher to examine the damage... and they take the broken portal gun instead of the person with no limbs. Then, to add insult to injury, a Panel scoops the person's remains up into a fire pit, before closing over to make it look like nothing ever happened.
    • Cave's exact words: "Reproducable human error." You are not part of the control group, indeed.
    • More Cave goodness:

"We know how to make a quantum space hole."
"I'm not going to lie to you, it's expensive as hell."
"We're between banks right now, just make those checks out to cash."

    • And the portal gun schematics, which includes two miniature German stick grenades... and a miniature black hole.

Note: If the Device fails to produce portals, the Miniature Black Hole may need to be restarted by carefully tossing one (1) or both (2) of the Miniature Stick Grenades into it.
Note: The sudden absence of a steady whirring sound may indicate a Miniature Black Hole Cooling Fan Battery failure. Quickly disassemble the Ring Singularity Harness, pry apart the upper and lower Ring Singularity Rings, and gently remove the Event Horizon Estimation Wheel. Then, while running directly away from the device, use the Wheel to precisely determine an estimated minimum safe stopping distance.

  • While the Lab Rat comic is generally sad, GLaDOS gives us this gem:

Do you know that thought experiment with the cat in the box with the poison? Theory requires the cat be both alive and dead until observed. Well, I actually performed the experiment. Dozens of times. The bad news is that reality doesn't exist. The good news is we have a new cat graveyard.

    • And this one, when she introduces compulsory employee testing:

Remember that science rhymes with compliance! And you know what doesn't rhyme with compliance? Neurotoxin.

    • Also, when she is asking Rattman to come out:

I'd ask you to think outside the box on this, but it's obvious your box is broken. And has schizophrenia.

  • The Turret Lullaby comic, basically an extended version of the ending gag in the Turrets trailer. The scientists are testing using the turret to guard an infant (a robotic test dummy) from an intruder (also a robot), but the noise from the turret always wakes it up.
    • After the first failed test, they argue about who has to go in to shut the turret off. One eventually lifts a floor panel and just pokes it over with a stick.
    • The Turret-Mobile, a bunch of strung-up turrets on a mobile to sooth the child. Predictably, they end up spraying the room with gunfire trying to hit the intruder, "killing" the baby.
    • The ending has them equip the turret to play a lullaby after making the baby cry, which works.

The test baby is soothed!
Ship it!

  • One of the notes on the Think With Portals blog could slot right into the game with no effort. When revealing "Peer Review":

Anyway, on with your Suicide Mission. Oh, did we say Suicide Mission? We meant it would be suicide not to take the mission. Because it's so safe.

Wheatley: It was obviously a team effort...
Space Sphere: SPAAAAAAAAAACE!

Wheatley: He's not on my team. I don't know who that is...

Voice: The award is launched!
Wheatley: (Excitedly) This is it! After all this time, I'm going home! I'm going bloody home! I can't believe it- (Is hit by the award and is sent flying off) And, off I go... Don't even get to keep the trophy. Of course. Ah, maybe next year...

  • The Perpetual Testing Initiative DLC trailer. Highlights include:
    • The Rube-Goldbergian method of making one panel, including a machine that spits out diamonds into an incinerator every five seconds, the "Ballistic Turing Test" of getting turrets to shoot it, and the forklift truck that carries the newly-boxed panel about five feet (then unboxes it immediately.)

Cave Johnson: Spare no expense, and never cut corners! ...well, that's a corner-cutting machine, we obviously cut them there.

    • The fact Aperture monitors what Soylent Green is made out of in each Universe (in the octopus-verse, it's lobster.)
    • The reappearance of the guy with the diamond from the Valentine's trailer, and the guy with his screen blurred out.
    • The blink-and-you'll-miss-it Call Back to Wheatley's first couple of test chambers, where one of the finished test chambers has "TEST II" written on the wall.
    • "That's where you come in. We need blueprints. We're about to run the greatest con game in all of the universe, and we need your help. Yes, YOU!" [Stick figure turns from his computer desk to wave to the screen] "Get back to work." [Stick figure resumes typing]

A Note About Getting Back to Work: In the event that you are reading this, get back to work.

    • As always, Cave Johnson's lines are pure gold.

Why are they agreeing to do this? They're not, we're tricking them. Look at the sad little octopus!

    • The small print that displays when the octopus is sitting at its desk: "This is not a dramatization. An earth where sea mollusks have evolved an advanced land-based society with wholly inappropriate bipedal keyboards is guaranteed to exist."
    • The way the Blog is written in this post lets you know they work with the Team Fortress 2 team. The jab at "first" commenters is nice, too.
      • First they quote a few reviews on how easy it is to use the editor and then they demonstrate, concluding:

It works! We did it. The gaming press are not liars.*
* About this specifically.

Back to Portal 2
  1. ↑ A group of crows is known as a murder.
  2. ↑ "FACT: Women love diamonds for their wide range of industrial applications."
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