Quark

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

Quark: They're chasing us? Ficus, who are they?
Ficus: Well, commander, there are three possibilities. Either they are the dreaded Gorgons, in which we'll probably all be killed, or they're the allies of the dreaded Gorgons-
Quark: Ficus, I don't have time for long lists!
Ficus: -in which case we'll probably also be killed.
Quark: Ficus, what you're saying is that all possibilities end in our death.

—"All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms, Part 1"

Not a Ferengi bartender, nor a subatomic particle, but a 1977 sci-fi parody of Star Trek from Get Smart co-creator Buck Henry. Quark was basically the US version of Red Dwarf, only eleven years earlier and with only eight episodes.

The show was set on the United Galaxies Sanitation Patrol Cruiser, a garbage scow working for the United Galaxies Space Station Perma 1. It regularly satirized Star Trek, Star Wars, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Flash Gordon. The characters were:

Tropes used in Quark include:

"People of Spartan, this is the High Gorgon. I command your unconditional surrender. You shall be treated with compassion, honor and patience. You have twenty seconds before I blow you out of the galaxy."

  • Techno Babble: Satirizes it.
  • The Force: Parodied, along with Star Wars, in "May the Source Be With You."
  • Twin Threesome Fantasy: Both Bettys love Captain Quark, but there's a stigma against sleeping with a clone, so since he never knew which one was a clone, he couldn't sleep with either of them.
  • Science Marches On: See above, re: sending a telegram. In the 23rd century.
    • Despite the fact that "telegram" is an archaic term, the general principle of keeping messages short to save on costs is one that will probably be with us for many centuries to come. Today, in the early 21st century, users of cell phones typically keep text messages as short as possible so as to fall under their calling plan's texting limit, to the point of using standard abbreviations. The cost per bit of sending a transmission across interstellar distances would have to be enormous.
  • Single-Minded Twins: The Bettys often said the same thing at the same time.
  • Small Annoying Creature: Ergo, Quark's pet, a one-eyed blob.
  • Split Personality: Gene/Jean.
  • Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Ficus wasn't in the pilot - a Dr. O.B. Mudd, a crotchety one-eyed man, was. He was never seen or mentioned afterwards, though.
  • That's No Moon:

High Gorgon: I suggest you take a closer look at my space ship.
Leader of the Spartans: A ship? We see no ship. All I see is a large maroon planet.
High Gorgon: That is my space ship!
Leader of the Spartans: (pause) Just give us a few minutes to move our things out of the palace.