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Retsupurae main account / Webcam Ward (slowbeef, Diabetus et al.)

• Slowbeef tends to put snarky comments in the tag section.
  • A Look Into Ancient LP Technology
  • Coming this fall...
  • Execute LP Protocol #2: Dash-Da-Dash
  • Horror! ...No, that's really the game's name.
  • Let's Play... What the hell is this?
  • Retsufrash - Arrival in Hell
  • Rijno and Darknessthecurse review Brave Fencer Musashi
  • Super Bummerman 2
  • The Unfair Retsupurae
  • This is Kokiri Forest [citation needed]
  • Tower of Horrible Voices
  • You will not make it through this video
• 007's shyer, nerdier brother plays Battletoads is a fairly dull RP for most of the video until the end.

MrNelson007: I'd like to give a great big thanks to the developers of Battletoads for being such magnificently large bastards... slowbeef: [laughing] Such magnificently large bastards?! What, are they all fat? Diabetus: I think you need to ante up your put-downs there a little bit, guy. slowbeef: 'I'd like to thank Rare Software for being so full of dirty people. Way to be Mexican, guys, Jesus.'

• Amnesia: The Dork's Descent, based off a fairly popular video of someone playing Amnesia and freaking out a lot.

slowbeef: I never played it, it's supposed to be scary? Diabetus: It really gets scary when you have wimpy British people talking over it.

• • "I think the game is attempting to uninstall itself while these people are playing it."
  • "So this is Bowser's evil test."
  • Their completely underwhelmed reaction to the monster while the player is screaming like a little girl.

slowbeef: Alright, I-I'm sorry, that... Nothing is that scary.

• • "A Care Bear would be more manly than this."
• Arise: The New Form of Horror

Diabetus: SUP... oh, that says help.

• Arise 2 (2/2)

"JOHN MCCAIN, WHY?"

• • The Running Gag with Mofunzone's giant login banner.
• Arise 3 is a 10 minutes Timed Mission, therefore Slowbeef musttalkreallyfasttogetthroughthegame, ignoring both the jumpscares and a more and more confused Diabetus' objections, relaxing only for the time it takes to get through a microscope minigame.
  • Immediately before the motor mouthing starts, there this excellent example of comedic timing:

slowbeef: Now, Arise 3 introduces a couple of new elements. Not like pop scares, since there's one coming up in about one second. [JUMPSCARE].

• • >.> apparently means "It was greater than nothing, and also it was greater than having your period."
  • Slowbeef rushes through the game at such a ridiculous speed that, about six minutes into the video, he triggers a pop scare and leaves the screen before it has time to finish.

Diabetus: [in response to a jump scare consisting of every previous JPEG flashed in rapid succession] He's getting close to the cure! Throw more JPEGs at him!

• Arise 4, the worst game ever.
  • "My .jpeg's! No!" "Well, how do I know that you didn't have to put in 666 backwards?" "But what in the Arise canon made the .jpeg's lethal?" - and the discussion about the mysterious nature of the .jpeg's in general.
  • "YOU'RE NOT LOGGED IIIINNNN"
• Arise Minus JPEGs -- Let's Start the Bidding at $2: The RP of Lechuza: their reactions to the protagonist's Nightmare Face, the rampant GIS Syndrome and Slowbeef's continued lamentation that he paid for this game. Twice (for the iPad and the Mac):

slowbeef: [at the start of the credits] And that's two dollars down the dra...I mean, Lechuza. ... slowbeef: [On the "Graphics" credits] This is kind of bullshit by the way. Like pretty much every art asset in this game was ripped off! Diabetus: Thought just the Google logo would be under the "Graphics" part.

• • Diabetus being startled by the character's face. Three times.
• The Arrival in Hell Retsufrash is one long string of these, with them mocking the terrible animation and art, the awful voice acting, the rampant typos, and the confusing puzzles.

Character: You have got to be joking! Diabetus: [laughing] I am! Isn't it funny! slowbeef: You're in jail! Diabetus: You killed so many people!

• • Any time Diabetus breaks out his 'happy little prisoner' voice.

Diabetus: Hum doo dee doo, whistle while you're in prison!

• • At the very end of the Arrival In Hell 2 RF, slowbeef and Diabetus discover Newgrounds' Hentai stash:

slowbeef: Let's see... "Users who liked this also enjoyed Meet'N'Fuck Kingdom." Both: [Cracking up] Diabetus: That's what they call Newgrounds meetings, where, like, people come to be together in one place. slowbeef: Oh g- "Meet'N'Fuck Kingdom!" That's actually the staff meeting that Magda and Kalango got together at. Fucking... Diabetus: It's, uh, one of the lesser known Disney attractions. slowbeef: Wait a minute, wait a minute... "Bowser & Peach (Hentai)," and, oh look, then there's "Dental Appointment!" Diabetus: Well, these guys like to meet 'n' fuck and they like really gross shit but they keep their hygiene. slowbeef: Right, yeah, you know? Diabetus: I mean, they're not totally disgusting. slowbeef: "I'm gonna do Princess Peach, I'm gonna need some toothpaste." Diabetus: They like "Professor Layton pt. 6"?

• Battle. Goldskarr's incomprehensible accent and slurred speech, the loud noises in the background, his bizarre commentary (with subtitles that don't have anything to do with anything) that abruptly switches to post-commentary, and his lack of skill make this one a motherlode of comedy. It's bad enough to make Diabetus laugh out loud, and slowbeef spends several minutes in hysterics.

Goldskarr: Actually, I remember playing this on the Super 'Tendo... Diabetus: ...The Super Tendo? slowbeef: What the hell accent is that? Diabetus: Uh, a drunk British person trying to sound American? slowbeef: Sounds to me like an American who burned his tongue on soup trying to sound British. Diabetus: Maybe it's a combination of both. Goldskarr: So I just saw a trailer for Duke Nukem Forever... slowbeef: What? Diabetus: Dook Nookum Fowevah. slowbeef: What does that have to- Goldskarr: Still no gameplay footage as of yet. Subtitle: considering it's been almost 10 years...and still no gameplay footage? slowbeef: What th-Is he making fun of Duke Nukem Forever in subtitle and voice format in a Battletoads LP? ...I hope? Diabetus: I think a poltergeist possessed his Youtube video or something. ... Goldskarr: I don't even think we're halfway done yet. slowbeef: I think-Is he almost done? Diabetus: You're going through- [The footage suddenly pauses] slowbeef: Wai-what is he doing? Goldskarr: What the hell is going on? Diabetus: You paused the game. Goldskarr: I think I must have paused here. Diabetus: You paused the game! slowbeef: [laughing] 'I think I paused it!' [Phone rings in the background, Diabetus and slowbeef crack up] Diabetus: Now his dog's calling him?!

• BillyMC's Christmas Adventure: The previous Billy MC videos have been full of jokes about his abusive parents who are forcing him to LP The Lost Levels, which makes it all the more hysterical when Billy himself mentions getting a phone call from his mother, asking him if he wants anything from McDonald's while she's doing her Christmas shopping. Take your pick for which is funnier: the final take where the guys pick up the implication that he gets McDonald's food as Christmas presents and run with it, or the first take included after the video, where they just collapse into laughter.
• Bioshock: slowbeef and Diabetus freak out at the LPer's creepiness:

Diabetus: Is this the "pre-bank robbery" video? slowbeef: "If you don't subscribe to me, I will blow up a hospital!" Diabetus: Seriously, he has a gas mask in the background, look! slowbeef: Holy shit! He's like the Unabomber Jr! [The Bioshock theme suddenly starts playing] slowbeef: What the! Where did this violin music come from? We didn't add that! Diabetus: Maybe he's playing it with the arm he has extended out there. slowbeef: Maybe he's got a naked woman held by the throat in his outstretched hand. Diabetus: Forcing her to play the violin. slowbeef: Look at his eyes! God, he's scaring me! ... thezenbrothers: Oh yeah, one complaint again: [looks down] NO FRIGGIN FEET! slowbeef: Whoa! All right, calm down! Diabetus: Sounds like this guy has a fetish. thezenbrothers: Uhhhh. I hate that for some reason. slowbeef: Yeah, that never happens in first person shooters. ... [We enter the infamous lighthouse foyer slowbeef: "'No Gods, Kings or Feet' We forgot to put it in the banner!" Diabetus: "Which is why I hate this game!" slowbeef: Ryan's statue is glaring at him, like "Don't make this video, you asshole!"

• Bowser's Evil Test

Electrical Beast: But there's sumfink I haven't told you about yet! slowbeef: Uh-oh, what is it? Electrical Beast: Mario now has the power to turn back time! But only once! Because when he saved the time in the Tick Tock Clock... slowbeef: Um, I was just kidding about the fanfiction thing, is he really doing that? Electrical Beast: ...he became the Hero of Time, and the Time Gods paid Mario a visit, but I couldn't get that bit on camera because the Time God's so powerful... slowbeef: What the hell are you talking about, you nut?! ...maybe he was playing Chrono Trigger and doesn't realize when one game ends and the other begins? Diabetus: Nah, I think he's just crazy. slowbeef: Can't it be both?

• In Braid - The Love Connection, the guys discuss what they would do if they could go back in time:

Dave_o: If I could go back in time, I would be slowbeef. slowbeef: Aww. Diabetus: Aww, no you wouldn't. Dave_o: But... I don't know if I'd want to live through the 70s. Ohhh. You're old.

• Call it

slowbeef: Why does he have to-don't make us watch the tutorial. Diabetus: Couldn't he explain all the important stuff in a real operation, with story and everything behind it? slowbeef: Or couldn't he just cut up a bum and get arrested, so I don't have to watch this? -- Diabetus: Well, that was kind of a sloppy suture. slowbeef: Come on, man. You're a doctor. Show us how it-no, not just the... I'm sorry I left a gaping hole in your chest, Mr. Johnson. They call me Dr. Butterfingers. Diabetus: He was suturing the wound under the wound. slowbeef: Let's make sure he's got-no! He just stitched into the wound! Diabetus: Good? How is that good? slowbeef: It's like the game knows he's got a four-year-old's capacity.

• Character Assassination - Authorized, their long-awaited Metroid: Other M Wrongpurae. From Samus's spiritless voice to Adam's questionable treatment on Samus, this leads to many hilarious moments.

Diabetus: Don't let this game get produced! Shoot everything! Don't give anything a chance to render! slowbeef: If only.

• • Or that time where slowbeef and Diabetus introduce the Bottle Ship, as Ridley and a baby (respectively):

slowbeef: This is Sakamoto fanfiction! None of this happened! I'm officially declaring it! Diabetus: Not in my canon! slowbeef: Not in my canon!

• • Diabetus develops foresight:

slowbeef: Oh God, how will we save Anthony? Diabetus: If only grappling was authorized. Adam: [over intercom] Samus, use of the Grapple Beam is authorized! [slowbeef and Diabetus laugh]

• Colour My Something, a riff on Colour My World. The flash itself is pretty funny, but what stands out is the end.

slowbeef: In this monochrome world, I will search the depths of the earth and the limitless skies for you. Alternate title - I didn't get you a Valentine's Day present.

• • When Diabetus reads one of the reviews:

Diabetus: [reading a review] I feel sad...it was a good game but now I want a girlfriend. Nine out of ten! slowbeef: [splitting his sides] So wait a minute, wait a minute, if he had the girlfriend, would that have gotten him a ten?! Diabetus: I guess so. 'If my loneliness wasn't crushing my very soul, I would give you a perfect score, sir, but as it stands I can only give you an almost perfect!'

• Coming this fall...

HC Bailly: I'd go as far as to say this is the most balanced RPG I've ever played. slowbeef: What kind of ad for Chrono Trigger is that?! "Very balanced: GameFAQs". Diabetus: I guess that means if you put the cartridge on your head, it won't fall off. ... HC Bailly: So, that's all for this preview episode. Diabetus: Preview episode. slowbeef: Wait, it's a preview?! Diabetus: You know, like when you watch the movie previews before the actual...thing. slowbeef: But it's not like The Watchmen, it's some asshole playing Chrono Trigger! Who cares?

• Contra3: the first encounter with Quadraxis14, and easily the worst thing he's ever done.

Quadraxis14: [bad Arnold impression] Get to the choppa! slowbeef: SHUT THE FUCK UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!

• Cornshaq, baby, please... Their entire tirade near the end, culminating in "My response will not take any longer than 10 minutes, because that is the Youtube limit." There's also the bonus after the video ends, where they realize that Cornshaq never stopped talking throughout the entire video, and burst into laughter when the video cuts him off. It's almost even funnier in the second Youtube version, where their own reaction gets cut off by the Youtube time limit. Also:

Cornshaq: I will be playing as nothing but Luigi. Proteus: Yeah, nothin' but Luigi, mothafucker! slowbeef: YEAH, DON'T YOU EVEN TRIP, SON! ... Cornshaq: If I'm not gonna die... slowbeef: Why are you not gonna die? Cornshaq: Why waste the time? slowbeef: [laughter] YO, THIS SHIT, THIS KICKS LP HOT, SON! I AIN'T GONNA DIE, 'CAUSE IT'S A WASTE OF MY TIME! LUIGI, YO! ... slowbeef: [imitating Cornshaq] "I'm called this because I have a corncob up my left nostril and Shaquille O'Neal's dick up my right."

• Death Trap
  • Slowbeef's continuous incredulity at how utterly un-terrifying the house - made up mostly of stock 3D renderings of fashionably furnished modern rooms - is.

slowbeef: We're serving dinner for six here in the Death Trap!

• • "My God. I've been missing for days."
  • The fireplace room, full stop. Another 3D rendered room, with a cheesy looping GIF of a fire crudely stuck over the top at the wrong angle and cropped so that the bottom of the fire leaks over to the top of the image, accompanied by a very loud crackling noise.

[stunned silence] slowbeef: Erm... what's wrong with this picture? Diabetus: The fireplace is a typewriter?

• • "Wait...2006 was only one week long?"
• DOOM, an action-packed spoken word album; what happens when an informative Lets Play goes very wrong.

slowbeef: He's going over the difficulty levels? Hey, believe me pal, you are not too young to die and I can make that happen.

• Earnest Goes to Anime: The Earnest Evans wrongpurae has the guys (and the watchers) in hysterics after just five minutes of gameplay, thanks to the wonky animation of the main character ("based on QWOP" according to Diabetus), bizarre and improbable physics, a power up that puts the character to sleep and nothing else and the Indy Escape sequence triggering the wrong way.

Diabetus: Follow that boulder, Indy!

• • The fact that it manages to make Diabetus, who is usually completely deadpan with his joke deliveries, almost break out into a laughing fit should be a sign about how silly the game ends up getting.
  • All of their reactions to the map screen, in fact: the long pauses where nothing happens visually, the questionable knowledge of geography, the many marked cities that are never visited, the inexplicable refusal of the protagonists to fly their plane over the Atlantic Ocean. Hell, once the first level is done and the map screen comes up:

slowbeef: ...wait a minute, did that happen in Maine? Look at the map!

• • The spinning centrifuge thing that spins Earnest around gets them to declare it the greatest game ever.
  • A spinning spike trap at one point inspires a terrific reaction:

Diabetus: I think it's broken! Jane, stop this crazy thing!

• • "Why does my back have tits?"
  • At one point, they notice a scene showing a boat and a car looks familiar to one from Last Alert:

Diabetus: Oh, it's Last Alert. slowbeef: I wish Guy Kazama would come in and kill this asshole. Diabetus: Just blow everything up, please. slowbeef: "Earnest Evans, no one can get a bitcoin!" Diabetus: "No one can hire my feelings", "Even with bitcoins?" slowbeef: "I'll have to reevaluate that"

• • Followed by a Cargo Ship of the boat and car.
  • One of the bosses, a giant fish, is fought on a featureless wraparound battlefield. As this becomes more and more obvious, their reactions become more amused.
  • "This is the worst Comic Con I've ever been to!"
  • The destruction of the world.

Diabetus: With the power of bitcoin, I purchase pants!

• • And when discussing on what they should title it:

Diabetus: So can we title this video "Earnest Goes to Anime"? slowbeef: We can't title it anything else!

• • slowbeef swears that another person he showed the video to, upon seeing Earnest's odd animation, asked "Is he supposed to be human?"
• Extreme Enunciation Expo: Diabetus and slowbeef take on Konami's E3 2010 Press Conference.

"WON. MIWYUN. TWOOPS."

• Fictional Animal Breeding 101

slowbeef: Doesn't [the Chocobo subquest] take, like, 20 hours, though? I think it's kind of the point where, like, a lot of people grow up and realize RPGs like this can get really boring and grindy? Diabetus: But when you think about it, he's really doing the YouTube community a service, because, you know, there's no website or anything out there that you could, say, read to find a guide or, say, an FAQ for a game that would tell you how to do this. slowbeef: Well, you know what else too, it's that there's no other games you could be playing, there's no other Final Fantasy games that are more fun, there's nothing else to do in the game that's better... Diabetus: Well, the year's 2009, what game are you gonna play except one that was released in 1997 and looks really horrible by today's standards...if only there was another way to explain this in a more...concise format... slowbeef: No, YouTube videos are going to be everything, dude. Soon you won't even need school. Diabetus: 'And now American History by H.C. Bailey: Well, first the two chocobos bred aboard the Mayflower and founded America and breeded a GREAT country. It was called America C.' slowbeef: Forget about American History, let's talk about worthwhile things, like video games from '96!

• F.E.A.R. (Fiercely Excessive Audio Rendering) 2: A 'death montage' where the clips are spliced up so small that nothing makes sense.

slowbeef: It's like, one second of something, and then it just flashes to something new.

• Goldeneye is a terrible game.

"So he complains about the blocky humans, but the five-sided toilet, that's fine?"

• Great Video Game Idea!, George Wood's most infamous video.

slowbeef: 'The gaming industry would be shocked!' They certainly would, but not for the right reasons!

• The opening line to Happy Halloween!

Queenie Z: Hello everybody and welcome to my Let's Play Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Re-quee-um. Diabetus: I have a good feeling about this.

• • And later on:

slowbeef: No, it's re-quee-um. You know, like she likes to eat at Dairy Quee-um.

• • Dave_o, who is far and away the calmest and most deadpan of the guests, actually gets angry during the video.
    • Along with that at the very start you can hear what is clearly a bong hit coming from a mic, most likely Dave_o considering his calm attitude and slurred voice during the video.
• Haunted Investigators Ep #2 Retsuwatch: Webcam Ward takes on Christopher Bores' ghost hunting show Haunted Investigators:

After the ultra-long theme song ends* Diabetus: Whew, that was an exciting episode. Khad: Uhh, Diabetus... that was just the intro. Diabetus: [clearly distraught] Oh good... good. ... Bores: Tonight, the Haunted Investigators will take on the case of: the Patterson Tower! Khad: Yeah, the chief really needed this case off his desk. slowbeef: [in "50s news editor" voice] Yeah, I gotta get those jerkoffs on YouTube. Khad: [in a British accent]: But SIR! slowbeef: [in "50s news editor" voice] Now you listen here! I've got nothing for today's front page! Get those Haunted Investigators on the horn! ... [Bores starts fiddling with a rod shaped object] slowbeef: "Well, time to calibrate the ghost stick!" Khad: "Hey! Why does it say 'douche' when I point it at myself? I ain't no ghost!" ... Caption: Tower Grounds. 9:45 PM slowbeef: Oooh! 9:45 PM. The Witching Hour! ... [On the show's credits] Khad: "Executive Producer: Christopher Bores". Guess that makes sense..."Editor: Christopher Bores"..."Post Production: Christopher Bores"... Diabetus: He certainly does. Khad: "Music Editor: Christopher Bores". I'm starting to see a pattern! [Credits show "A Special Thanks to all parties involved in making this episode possible"] Khad: Wha? He didn't give anyone in the video credit? Diabetus: Another case solved by the Haunted Investigators! slowbeef: {{[[[Brick Joke]] in "50s news editor" voice}}] I give you the biggest case I've ever seen and all you come up with is a bat and a broken camera? Get out of here you bums! And don't let the door hit ya! Waaah!

• JOP (referring to Jikkyo Oshaberi Parodius) features endless riffing on the LPer's affinity for penguins, food, and Japan. Then, near the end, the LPer utters a simple "Ooh, crud!" after already saying "Oh crap!" plenty of times, and Retsupurae pounces:

slowbeef and Shmorky: "Oh crud!" Diabetus: "Now I don't want to swear, but crud!" Shmorky: Yeah, crud! Fuckin' crud! slowbeef: "Watch your mouth, Henry!" "I'm playing games for the Internet, mother!" Diabetus: "Why don't you shut the-- shut the heck up, you bitch!" slowbeef: "Fiddlesticks, you slut!" Diabetus: "You cocksucking... meanie!" slowbeef: "I'll learn what these words say, you son of a... jerk!"

• Journey to the Exit of the Arcade is full of hilarious lines, but about halfway through wherein they start mocking the raptors is pure comedy gold.
  • The fact that the duo keep giving raptors the voice of Ridley.

Diabetus: Are we in a parking lot or falling down an elevator shaft? slowbeef: I think we're in a server room now. Diabetus: Powered by dinosaurs? Are they running on a little gerbil wheel to power every..electricity? slowbeef: It's UNIX! They know this! (in Ridley voice) "First we learn the doors, then we learn command-line scriptin'! AAGH!" Diabetus: [also in Ridley voice] "PC gamin'! Aagh!" [short pause as the two chuckle] slowbeef: [in Ridley voice] "Macbook? Fuck that! Aagh!"

• • The moment the Ridley voice becomes Hilarious in Hindsight: the vehicle falls off a bridge and the player has to shoot at falling pterodactyls.
  • Their confusion at the T-Rex's illogical behavior once the vehicle comes to a stop.
  • Slowbeef realizing he had been saying "Stegosaurus" rather than "Triceratops" the whole episode.

slowbeef: Well, they're never gonna let me live that one down. I might as well quit like Billy MC.

• • When they encounter the giant boulder.

Diabetus: Oh hey, it's that thing from Earnest Evans. [slowbeef starts laughing] Diabetus: It will never stop. It can travel in time. slowbeef: Oh my God, you realize what that means? We're in Maine! Diabetus: Oh. That explains everything! No wonder everyone wants to leave. slowbeef: [in Ridley voice] "Hey, you guys read my new novel? Aagh!" Diabetus: [laughs] Is that the boulder talking? slowbeef: No, that was the raptor we just shot. He was really quick so you couldn't see him. Diabetus: Oh, I thought the boulder was just very literary.

• King's Quest V: Absinthe makes the game more tolerable makes the duo imagine the story of the game being told by a grumpy and absent-minded grandfather to his nephew, who is quick to pounce on plot holes and questionable game design choices.
  • Their reaction to the bear death, and Kuroinokaze (the original recorder) anticipating many game overs with an inherently funny save file title.
  • In session 2, part 4/5, all the hilarity suddenly hits, back-to-back, for a solid minute and fifteen seconds straight. It all starts with Cedric's abrupt capture by a wolf...
  • Diabetus' foresight strikes again when he successfully guesses the infamous way to defeat the yeti. "YES! I'm a master of King's Quest!"
  • The final battle
• Kirby.

Shmorky: Let's play Kirby Super Star! FUCK YOU, MOM! ... Proteus: Damn you, Waddle Doo! You have fucked me for the last time, Waddle Doo!

• Let's 'ave a carriage ride!

Electrical Beast: Everything's moving a lot faster. That's because the time machine is getting a lot stronger now... Diabetus: What're you talking about?! What's happening? What universe are we in right now? slowbeef: Mary Poppins Land, apparently. ... Electrical Beast:: So we're nearly at the top, guys! We're doing extremely well... Diabetus: "You didn't believe me when I said this tower was really tall! I fooled you fuckers, didn't I?!" slowbeef: "Ha-ha-ha, you wankers!" Electrical Beast:: And look how high down it is, it's an extremely high level... Diabetus: "This supports my hypothesis that it's a really tall level, can you believe it! We're employing the scientific method and having edutainment!"]]

• Let's be horrified features a camcorder LP by Rijno, who Slowbeef and Diabetus very quickly decide they hate:

Diabetus: By the way, this guy's done 522 videos. slowbeef: [laughter] Diabetus: You'd think somewhere in there, someone would maybe mention, you know...the downsides... slowbeef: I wish to God I was, like, the head of Youtube, so I could just bring his count to zero and say 'No. None of these count. None of these are videos. You have fucked up on a website where a cat playing a piano - er, walking on a piano - is good.' Diabetus: Well, I wish I was the head of Youtube who also had, like, deity powers, so I could just take away this guy's entire existence. slowbeef: Yeah, I wish you could just knock HIM off the screen. Diabetus:: Though, when you think about it, deleting his videos would basically be the same as eliminating this guy's existence, because...this guy's got nothing else.]]

• Let's Freak Out!

[Violinbow3 shoves his controller in front of his camcorder] Violinbow3: It's a real N64! slowbeef: What-yeah, I believe you. Diabetus: I'm going to leave a comment right now saying 'Thank you for showing me your controller. I was wanting to see that, so I would know were playing an authentic N64'. slowbeef: A second earlier, I was like 'Does he actually have a controller?' Oh, hey! Diabetus: I mean, right now I'm wondering if he really is playing at an awkward camera angle on his TV. slowbeef: Can't these people at least line it up? Like, you can sit off to the side and still do it, but it's like 'No, I gotta be front and center!' ... slowbeef: What is this kid doing... Violinbow3: WheeeeeeeeeeeeEEEeeeeeeeeeee!! slowbeef: Oh my god, did his voice just crack? I think he hit puberty in that mushroom boost! ... Violinbow3: Yeah! slowbeef: That's his commentary. 'Yeah!' Diabetus: 'You remember that sweet trick I pulled, two minutes ago?' slowbeef: 'Yes! Diabetus: 'Booyah! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!' ... [Violinbow3 rams into a train and wipes out] Violinbow3:: Nooooooooaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhh!! Diabetus: Holy shit! slowbeef: Uh...okay... Diabetus: Sorry, I had to remove my headset and pour bleach into my ears after that. slowbeef: Oh my lord. You got any left? Diabetus: No, I had to use two hundred bottles.]]

• Let's... I Can't Even Pretend To Guess.

[Various clips of penguins set through a WMM filter and set to house music; several seconds of stunned silence.] slowbeef: All right, what. Diabetus: Are, uh, we in a club? Slowbeef: I, uh... This is a Let's Play, right? [Text reading "LordPenguin777 Presents:" appears.] Diabetus: Oh, I get it. Wait, no I don't. ... slowbeef: ...that was like Hunter S. Thompson playing video games.]]

• Let's Play Half Blind I mean Life

[While thehof does "shout outs" during the game's loading screen.] Dave_o: I'd like to do some shout outs. Diabetus: Okay. Dave_o: Shout out to thehof's mom for gracing us with a valuable human being. slowbeef: Yes, definitely. Dave_o: Shout out to this TV that was probably manufactured before I was born. slowbeef: Probably found in the trash. [Cut to excruciatingly bright graphics] Dave_o': {{[[[Deadpan Snarker]] completely deadpan}}] Shout out to what remains of my retinas. ... slowbeef: This is like the stupidest drug trip ever! Like, "Oh man, I'm tripping! I took four aspirin!" Diabetus: "I haven't slept in 24 hours!" Dave_o: "Holy shit! I left a dark room! I'm fucked up!" ... thehof: If you look off to the left, you see a bunch of guys. Diabetus: Wow. slowbeef: Thank you! He's like the world's stupidest tour guide! Diabetus: I take back everything I said about this game's lack of action. ... Caption: Sorry for the abrupt ending. My mother called me upstairs to hang a plant outside. If you like this part... subscribe to my videos in the corner. Give me a good rating below the video. Thanks for watching! [slowbeef bursts into hysterical laughter] Dave_o: Why didn't he post a video of that? It would be way more entertaining! Diabetus: "The plant hanging scene was amazing! I'm subscribing!" Dave_o: I wanna do a shout out to thehof's mom for ending this abruptly.]]

• Let's Play Headaches features an inept LP of Darkseed with incompatible audio, resulting in a phone ringing sounding like a fork scraping a concrete block.
• Let's Play IMDB: slowbeef and Diabeetus riff on a longplay of the Playstation game Apocalypse, a game whose only apparent selling point is Bruce Willis starring. This promps them to spend 15 minutes going down Willis' IMDB page to come up with a Hurricane of Puns involving the titles of every single thing Bruce Willis has ever worked on on any capacity. Hilarity Ensues (mostly of the So Unfunny It's Funny variety)
  • Eventually they run out of Bruce Willis stuff and just start using random movie and TV show titles. For the rest of the video.
• Let's Play *incomprehensible* (titled here as Lets Play: People on Youtube, Retsupray and Sound Puking) has SuperCrazyHealthBar yelling in an incomprehensible manner, which basically is where the comedy takes place here, but the part at 1:41 is where gold happened.
• Let's Play: No Hope sees Slowbeef and Diabetus manage to riff most of the video using nothing but rephrased quotes from the original Star Wars trilogy. Not only is that funny, that almost qualifies for a CMOA.
• Let's Play Parts of Earthbound: The player spends half the video crawling through a dungeon, and then suddenly cuts to a map he'd been using and an open GameFAQs page. slowbeef, Psychedelic Eyeball, and cherrydoom spend about twenty seconds laughing as a result. Made funnier due to one of slowbeef's earlier comments being accidental Foreshadowing.
  • Towards the end, when the LPer gets annoyed at an NPC for asking him a question and loads a savestate to avoid him. Slowbeef, Psychedelic Eyeball, and cherrydoom erupt into laughter again.

slowbeef: "HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION? LOAD STATE! THIS NEVER HAPPENED!" cherrydoom: "You're dead to me! I never met you!"

• • Near the end of the video:

[the video abruptly cuts off] slowbeef: Oh, just right in the fuckin' middle-- Psychedelic Eyeball: IT FUCKING CUT OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!! slowbeef: Do you think like... maybe these people, when they watch TV shows, they just turn the power off twenty minutes in? Like, "welp, show's over." Psychedelic Eyeball: Yeah, "this is what's on the last season of Law and Order. It ended." slowbeef: "What did you think of the season finale?" "Abrupt!" Psychedelic Eyeball: "I personally thought it was perfect ohboyohboygottagogottagofastforwardfastforwardloadstateloadstatesavestatearararablahblahblah." slowbeef: "I just watched the credits and rewound them about six times! Then I fast-forwarded through the rest of the movie so I could get to the end." Psychedelic Eyeball: "And finally I showed everybody how the credits were done!"]]

• • When the LPer fast-forwards through more dialogue:

Psychedelic Eyeball: Yeah, sure, because nobody wants to read the text in the RPG! slowbeef: "We wanna fight more ropes, right guys?" Psychedelic Eyeball: No, actually, I don't want to fight them again, I want to fight the gigantic ants instead! slowbeef: "LOAD STATE! They look like 'piders."

• • A little earlier in the video, as the LPer goes off on a tangent about a game he hates:

slowbeef: Is he just talking about how much he hates video games while he plays one for the internet? Am I out of my mind? cherrydoom: "I really hate video games. Doing these two hundred and thirty videos... it's the worst thing."

• Let's Play This!

slowbeef: All right you ready to uh, watch this one? Diabetus: Yeah let's do it. slowbeef: Okay, in three... two... one... go. Deceased Crab: I'm Deceased Crab! Let's Play... Diabetus: No, fuck this. slowbeef: I can't. I'm sorry. No way. [Video abruptly ends]]]

• Let's Play... What the hell is this?

Diabetus; This is Psycho Mantis with the six o'clock news. slowbeef: I was thinking more "My Dinner With The Pulp Fiction Gimp". Diabetus: Looks to me more like the Splinter Cell guy took an etiquette course. slowbeef: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryu Hayabusa After Hours.

• Let's Read About Survival Kids: feralMMO uploads a Let's Play about Survival Kids... using barely readable white text instead of a voice. Diabetus provides us with narration.

"A big wave suddenly OH EM GEE!!!"

• • Let's Read About Survival Kids 2:

"This music fuels XIII's killing mood! Colon equals bracket bracket! DIIIIIIIE!"

• Let's Take a Long Look at Last Alert: The hour-and-a-half long RP of a commentary-free longplay of Last Alert by slowbeef and Diabetus is rife with the stuff, as should be expected by anyone who knows of the game. Especially their reaction to boss conversations.

Boss: The President is an important guest for us too, you know. I can't let him go. Diabetus: [imitating the boss] I love him. Guy Kazama: [through gritted teeth] That makes me want to get him back even more! [slowbeef and Diabetus erupt into laughter] Diabetus: Is this some weird love triangle that we stepped in?

• • Or when the hero approaches the Big Bad which offers a We Can Rule Together speech:

Guy Kazama: Garcia, nobody can hire my feelings!!! [slowbeef and Diabetus collapse into laughter again] Diabetus: WHAT??? slowbeef: That's the line of the game for me, I think. Diabetus: Alright, uh... I'm gonna put my feelings on eBay and see what happens! slowbeef: I'm gonna go on freelancer.org for my feelings! (laughter)

• • All their reactions to the bizarre idiosyncratic rank titles such as "Metal Soldier".
    • MARSHAL ARTIST.
• Let's Take A Sidelong Stare At Star Strike: Sci-Fi cheese at its greatest.
  • Not to mention the video remixes it spawned.
• A Look At Ancient LP Technology has the LPer's vague accent and a hilariously convoluted way to sync the audio and video, and Retsupurae's commentary about the start of RP technology when the universe was just beginning.
• LP BS Zelda

LPer: Thanks for the wooden sword, buddy. You want me to save Hyrule... slowbeef: Oh, quit sassing the old man. LPer: ...with a sword made of wood. Well... Diabetus: Are we gonna get a wood joke out of this? LPer: ...I guess... slowbeef: I guess not. LPer: ...lots of people get wood for heroes... slowbeef: What? Was that the wood joke? Diabetus: I guess, he spent that ten seconds of silence thinking up that gold one right there. LPer: ...or heroines... slowbeef: Wait a minute, it took him ten seconds to think up a follow up to that joke? Diabetus: There's complete silence between 1:50 and two minutes. ... [The LPer starts singing the So Bad It's Good rap song from the original Zelda commercial] slowbeef: That was painful. Did that just happen or did I just dream that? Diabetus: Yo yo Link don't even give a fuck! Too bad this LP just fuckin sucks! slowbeef: I'm gonna make another joke about wood! Now to go watch another video that's good!]]

• LP Mario 64...very slowly. Single digit framerates for everyone!

"Llllet'sssss plaaaaay Maaaarioooo..." "What we're watching is a tool-assisted slowrun."

• • And upon the revelation that it was in fact faster than the LPer's PREVIOUS video...

Diabetus: What was it before, a Powerpoint presentation? slowbeef: A series of Polaroids he held up to a webcam? ... slowbeef: This is the Let's Play equivalent of running up a down escalator! [[[Beat]]] Diabetus: Running up a down escalator, then switching it to an up escalator and then running back down it. Dave_o: According to the comments, he's doing some kind of hack run that lets you beat the game faster, but that's just gonna be the game in the normal amount of time. slowbeef: Faster than what? History?!]]

• • Throughout the film, you can hear what sounds like the LPer's computer roaring, as if it's about to overheat running the emulator:

Diabetus: Social Services is gonna take away this computer. slowbeef: Social Services is gonna take away this kid! What kind of parenting could lead to a video like this?!

• LP Noire has Diabetus doing a film noir cop impression, until near the end when Jamboree music starts playing:

Diabetus: Oh shit... [door slams] Diabetus: [southern accent] Uh, the Hootenanny's not 'till next week! Other Voice: Next week!? Ohhh...

• • The very end:

Diabetus: For now, I'm sleeping with one eye open, hoping Jake's dad, TonyHighSubsQuadrillion, the city mayor, didn't have it out for us, if he catches wind that we talked over his son's Lets Play, he'd put us Dead to Rights.

• • The Take That to My Little Pony and Deviantart.

Diabetus: And just like searching My Little Pony on Deviantart, I had to prepare for the worst. (Why did I do that anyway?)

• Mario, Party of One?

Joshey164: Wow, I'm actually not failing. [slowbeef and Diabetus laugh] slowbeef: My God, you need fucking Mario therapy. [Joshey164 then fails the minigame] Diabetus: This calls for victory music! slowbeef: [as Joshey164] No I failed, which was what I was expecting. Diabetus: He didn't entirely suck, it's a victory for good!]]

• The Marios: It seems like a pretty basic riff until the 6:52 mark...

[After their commentary is derailed, Slowbeef is the only one to continue ripping on the video] Proteus: You realize this is the second random video you've pulled out that's mentioned Retsupurae, right? slowbeef: Yes, I... Proteus: Like, in a row. Like-- seriously, you're-- you can't really-- you're becoming a YouTube staple-- slowbeef: [cuts him off] I'm trying to talk and make fun of the video, will ya stop it?! Proteus: No, fuck you! Fuck you, you fuckin' YouTube superstar, piece of shit! Diabetus: [laughing] You take that back! slowbeef: I got five thousand subscribers now, I could crush you! Who the hell are you?! Diabetus: Luwiigii Master here said he liked our videos, so we can use his connections against you... Proteus: [laughing] Oh, god. Diabetus: The next morning you won't be able to use your legs! slowbeef: I'm making a phone call-- Proton Jon, kick this guy's ass! Proteus: Oh, you gonna get Deceased Crab on me? slowbeef: Yeah. Proteus: Damn you, bitch... I'm gonna get calls at three in the morning-- "Hello, this is--" "HUZZAH!!" "Nooo, stop calling me--" "HUZZAH!!!" slowbeef: That is how he talks on the phone. Proteus: It's all he says, all he can say. Diabetus: Makes it really hard when he orders a pizza. Proteus: "What would you like, sir--" "HUZZAHHHH!!" Diabetus: "That is not one of our flavors." "Dagnabbit!" ]]

• Mega Man X part 28: This is Burning Hunter's LP of Mega Man X. After several minutes of enduring his laughable attempts at defeating Bospider, Slowbeef and Diabetus go from stunned disbelief to utter rage when the LPer pauses the game to take a phone call and doesn't edit the resulting footage.

slowbeef: [livid] How stupid do you have to be not to edit this? Who wants to hear your phone call? You can't even hear the other side of the call!

• • Three videos later, he defeats Bospider by throwing a hadoken, then claiming supremacy.
• From their Retsufrash on Metroid Elements: "This Let's Play is brought to you by the letter C!"
  • Moreover:

slowbeef: Ask me if shinesparking makes an appearance in this game. Diabetus: Does shinesparking make an appearance in this game, slowbeef? slowbeef: LORD, NO!

• • The first 20 seconds of gameplay:

slowbeef: WELCOME TO METROID ELEMENTS! [Samus falls into an Bottomless Pit] Oh... there are... One-Hit Kill pits in here...

• • Samus' dying screams:

slowbeef: What did you think of that fight, Samus? [Samus screams] slowbeef: I understand.

• Metroid Machina Makes Me Maddingly Miserable:

slowbeef: Oh man, she "aquaired" the grapple! Diabetus: My aqua-aired... slowbeef: I think Grapple Aqua-aired is like a drink... it's like a juice.

• • Their reaction to the intro:

Diabetus: Oh my god, the soundtrack's dying. slowbeef: Yeah, this is really painful to listen to. Diabetus: DRRRRRRRR DRRRRRRR slowbeef: The Metroid theme, as done by nails on chalkboard.

• metroid more

"Killing me won't bring back your GODDAMN chozo!"

• MGS

MrMasked: Going in the water... man, is it just me or does that look completely retarded? Like, what the hell is Snake doing right now? slowbeef: Oh my god, you couldn't make this more boring. Diabetus: What is this walking underwater bullshit?! slowbeef: I'm hardcore, the way I walk underwater for no reason! Shmorky: THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU WALK UNDERWATER! slowbeef: It's this attention to detail that Hideo Kojima threw in. Diabetus: One of the many benefits of extreme difficulty. slowbeef: I wish he'd picked 'Game Over if Boring'. [MrMasked starts talking with his co-commentator] Shmorky: Is someone telling him how to play? slowbeef: I think so. I think he's got a coach! Shmorky: YOU GONNA-YOU GONNA PLAY THIS GAME? OKAY, RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES NOW! slowbeef: This is what practice was for all season, Billy! We're not here fuckin' around with a video game!]]

• • The main treat though is MrMasked's complete ineptitude at the game, despite picking the hardest difficulty and declaring himself hardcore:

MrMasked: This is like the hardest...thing in the game. slowbeef: What? This is the hardest part of the game?! Diabetus: It just started! slowbeef: [laughter] Oh my God! Diabetus: I don't think he ever got past this room in any of his playthroughs ever! He thinks this room is the whole game! slowbeef: I know! "Once I get to that elevator, it's smooth sailing from here on out!" Diabetus: "I'm about halfway finished with the game!" ... [MrMasked gets spotted twice] slowbeef: Oh my God, he can't even use the elevator right! MrMasked: [talking to his co-commentator] I-I'm trying, I forgot the controls! Diabetus: You forgot the controls?!? Shmorky: IT GOES UP AND DOWN!!! slowbeef: Try the action button, quick! [MrMasked pathetically tries to hide in a corner behind some lockers and gets shot several times] slowbeef: [laughter] YEAH, HIDE RIGHT THERE!!]]

• Monster in my Pocket, featuring poor Tyler, ActionBastardAway's guest who never gets a word in edgewise.
• The longplay video for Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero. When the player makes it to the bridge level, the robot bridge guards keep getting less original and more ridiculous. As they ponder what weapon the last one will have, the player finally approaches a humanoid guard riding a fire breathing Tyrannosaurus Rex. Needless to say, the duo were shocked.

Diabetus: You know what sucks, though? After you beat this dinosaur, you have to fight one that breathes Gatling gun bullets. slowbeef: You know what sucks is how the hell do you top this? Diabetus: Make the game fun?

• The Most Shameful Thing In The World: ^{[dead link]} Don't watch if you like Haruhi. You won't after this video.

"With the amount of dignity lost, I don't see how this could possibly get any.." (Record Needle Scratch) "...worse?"

• • The Even More Most Shameful Thing In The World:

"Is this what anime did to America? Is this revenge on us for dropping the bombs?"

• From Navgtr Responds to the Fans:

NaVGTR: ...Final Fantasy VII is no different from the series' last installments in terms of execution. slowbeef: Right, uh... Diabetus: Except for just about everything. slowbeef: The Materia, the active time battles, uh... Diabetus: It's on a PlayStation... [the snowboarding minigame is shown] slowbeef: Uh, the fucking snowboarding minigame that you're showing?]]

• Photography Killer: The killer running. Full stop.
  • slowbeef's bewilderment at the credits:

slowbeef: Oh go fuck yourself! KEY GRIP? ENGINEER? Diabeetus: CHIEF engineer? "And I was 1st lieutenant!" slowbeef: RESEARCH CONSULTANT? "How hard do I have to hit a man with a stick for him to die?" Diabeetus: "Hey Chief Research Consultant! Weather normally changes like this, right?"

• Policenauts Review: In which a riff on a review of Policenauts, a game whose thrFanTranslation Slowbeef was coding at the time, hits a bit too close to home.

Diabetus: You know what would be sadder than reviewing this game? ...if someone went and hacked the damn thing. slowbeef: I'll sa-- fuck you. ... slowbeef: If one of you watches the video just for the boobs, I'm stopping the romhack. That's it. Fuck it. Eight months go to waste, that's it. Fucking asshole!

• Praying Dumbass

slowbeef: "I saw this thing in my house! What the hell is this? I got no idea! Other things I don't know: Google.com, what the hell is that? Wikipedia, what the hell is that? Asking a friend, I have no idea how to do that! The only thing I can do is film stuff and use Vimeo.com as my only avenue of knowledge! What the hell was that-" It's a praying mantis you fucking idiot.

• • Following this is the "Sandwich" Video.

slowbeef: Hey guys I wanted to share with this video by Jacob. I hope the title doesn't give it away because there is a lot to it. [plays video of a sandwich and milk being consumed in 10 seconds] slowbeef: STUNNING! "Sandwich" By Jacob, It's Great. You wanna know what's great is that it actually took longer to make the sandwich than the video. And you wanna know what else is great? In a few hours, they'll be the same thing!

• A Public Service Announcement for Let's Players (aka "Please stop Let's Playing I Wanna Be the Guy.")

"You could see the lines of his skull. Tell you what, though: Please stop Let's Playing I Wanna Be the Guy." "Shadow's list got shorter and shorter. After two years, please stop Let's Playing I Wanna Be the Guy." "Second, he was going to towel himself, 'Please stop Let's Playing I Wanna Be the Guy.'" "Please stop Let's Playing I Wanna Be Th--" [game crashes] "Thank you, GOD. It stopped YOU. Look at that! Look at that, you dumb shit! The game doesn't even want you doing this! [[[Zoop Soul]] resignedly says "Well, that ends that."] Slowbeef replies with "Thank God."

• Rant Hero: Just the fact that this guy is pissed the hell off over the fact that you can't play Guitar Hero on the Wii with the controller (when it's called GUITAR Hero for a reason) is funny on its own, but slowbeef and Diabetus make it even better.
• Real Estate Headaches: The Darkseed wrongpurae, where every new room Mike Dawson enters in his newly-purchased house just increases their incredulity as to why anyone would actually buy this moldering money pit.

slowbeef: [as Mike] "Yeah, it's roomy, and I like the way the air just flows into the attic through the open windows, that are broken!"

• • "At least the lawn doesn't need mowing."
• Retsupurae 3000: The Rise of the Dragon Wrongpurae, there's the bit where the Blade Hunter sleeps for days without doing anything. Slowbeef goes hysterical.

slowbeef: It took an hour to get here, but it was fuckin' worth it. This game is wonderful.

• • What makes that truly hilarious is that this is his immediate response to finding out that his girlfriend has been kidnapped by the villains.
• Retsusturimu, the first Retsupurae livestream, recovered by a fan. Includes such highlights as:
  • A Mega Man 10 LP, with a surprise at the end.
  • Super Mario Supernova, the worst possible Super Mario Galaxy LP you could get.

Slowbeef: This TV is somehow plugged into a fish.

• • Heavy Rain, which gets derailed into the duo riffing on the game rather than the LPer.
• SNES9X:

"Shut up! SNES9X. There's, SNES9X, there are no viewers, no-one watched, SNES9X, no-one watched this video to the, SNES9X, to the end except me. It is seriously a horrible video, Quaraxis14. SNES9X. There is no skill in SNES9X, in replaying the same thing over an-SNES9X, and reloading savestates ov-SNES9X, over and over again. A monkey could do, SNES9X, a monkey could do this. A kid could do this. It doesn't matter. I don't know why you did this. I, SNES9X, I don't know what the point of this video is. SNES9X. I don't know why you're doing it, SNES9X, er, SNES9X. It will not make you, SNES9X, popular at school. It will not get you, SNES9X, girls or anything. It's a waste of time, SNES9X."]]

• • As well as the fact that Slowbeef, while reading, gets more and more aggravated over Quadraxis14's save states and irritating commentary, culminating in relief when the Let's Play finally cuts off.
  • And in the original What emulator was this again?, there's the reaction to two of the series' thumbnail images being the SNES9X screen. "Well, the law of averages, it had to happen in one of them."
  • An edited version, cutting out the Verbal Tic, received this comment:

I imagine an honor student reading this in front of the school for his graduation speech while one drunk jackass in the audience keeps moaning and interrupting like an asshole, making him stutter a couple times. Then he snaps and rants at him, then goes right back to the speech. This is very well done! Also, SNES9X

• A Son's Revenge, a little Oedipus-inspired animation. Slowbeef and Diabetus end up seriously creeped out.
• Space Adventures!
  • In part 2/7, chuckles are had over the fact that Cobra's freaked by what appear to be caterpillars.

"Get Mike Dawson here, this guy's too much of a pussy!"//

• • • Cobra's reaction to the caterpillars makes it even better.

slowbeef: "What am I, a scaredy-cat? Yup, you know it pal!" *laughter* Diabetus: This is our hero, really?

• • Their reaction to the Non Sequitur Scene band in the ruins, and turning almost immediately "Rock Knight" into a Memetic Badass and wishing they could play as him instead of Cobra, so much that when in a few episodes later Rock Knight is seemingly killed offscreen Slowbeef immediately declares it non-canon.
  • The lengthy Crazy Joe escape sequence, consisting of a stupidly large number of Go On/Go Back messages on a black background, followed by what can only be described as Random Encounters. FIRE DRAGON! Wolf wheels! The Deathball! The two brainstorm their own enemy ideas, and point out how the strategy for every battle is the exact same, as is the dialogue afterward.
  • As Cobra escapes from prison, a loud alarm repeatedly sounds (and cuts off for no reason), which instantly annoys the viewers. But then the villains discover the escape and, while the original alarm is still going, the man in charge yells "Sound the alarm!" This results in two alarms at the same time. They crack up.
  • Their reaction to a You Have Failed Me... scene that somehow manages to ignore the fact that it takes place inside a falling building that should be colliding with the ground any second.

Crystal Boy kills Schultz and his two guards Diabetus: ...And crash!

• • Their reaction to Cobra's rescue of Kathy, where he kills a man by shooting a missile next to him.
    • Cobra asks Kathy about the treasure:

Kathy: Treasure? There's no treasure. Father told us he found something really horrible! Diabetus: It's called Cobra: Space Adventure! slowbeef: *laughter*

• • • On the subject of Kathy, Cobra mourning her corpse:

Cobra: Sleep well, my sweet child. slowbeef: *laughter* Cobra! Cobra, you don't know who she is! This is so inappropriate! Diabetus: Sleep well, my soulmate.

• • Tarbeige deflecting Cobra's shot, resulting in Duck's head exploding. Slowbeef loses it.
  • This exchange during the battle at the temple.

The Fister: ...You can carry my name with you 'til the end of time: Hammerbolt Joe! slowbeef: *Laughs* Diabetus: I'm, erm, very sorry to hear that. slowbeef: God, of all the things that his name could've been, I am the happiest that that was it. The Fister: What? Statue rises* Diabetus: "THAT'S THE DUMBEST GODDAMNED NAME I'VE EVER HEARD!" slowbeef: "ARE YOU KIDDING? THAT'S WOKEN ME UP FROM MY SLUMBRER!" Diabetus: "ONLY SOMEONE SO STUPID COULD AWAKEN ME." slowbeef: "ARE YOU EVEN NOTICING ME? I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU!" Statue does pose similar to Beyoncé's 'Single Ladies' stance* Both: *Laugh* Diabetus: *Wacky Clown Laugh* slowbeef: "Oh, no you di'n't, girlfriend!" Diabetus: "I don't think so!" slowbeef: "Hammerbolt Joe, I don't think so! Look at this giant [foot]." Diabetus: "I would triple-snap yo ass if I had adequate frames!"

• • Cobra's 'eulogy' and subsequent actions for Jane.

Cobra: I'm sorry, Jane. We won't be seeing each other again. Both: *Laugh* Cobra: You'll be going onto the reward you deserve, but it's not a place where I'll be welcome. slowbeef: The finest eulogy for Jane! Diabetus: Standing ovation. Both: *Slow Clap* Diabetus: And that's it. Cobra: *Poses dramatically* Diabetus: "I PART THE OCEAN TO BURY JANE!" Cobra: There's no hope left for me. May the powers of Hell now be set free! Both: What? Cobra: May all the grief that exists in my body... Gather strength and focus on this assault! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! slowbeef: What are you, summoning Cthulhu?! Diabetus: That is the most awkward 21-gun salute.

• • Everything they have to say about the name, existence and logistics of Neon Big Bird. It receives the Ridley voice immediately.
  • Parrot Grass the spy, and all the speculation afterwards. "MY NAME IS-" *BOOM*
    • The entirety of The Reveal qualifies, with perfect comedic timing on the parts of the Retsupuraers. The Narmful Pre-Ass-Kicking One-Liner from Cobra, the Un Evil Laugh that becomes an Overly Long Gag without quite becoming tiresome, the Sting out of nowhere, and the One-Winged Angel form that lasts just long enough to get a reaction.
  • The final confrontation with Crystal Boy, especially how it ends.

Diabetus: I didn't think that would work. slowbeef: Fuck this game!

• The entire Super Bummerman 2 video. Especially the Triple Fudge Packers.

slowbeef: *laughing* Why does he keep calling them that?

• Super Mario Mild Irritation:

Dave_o: Is he surprised that he's frustrated? I mean... it's called "frustration". slowbeef: But it doesn't look that frustrating! Dave_o: That's like having a Rubik's cube and being like "why the fuck is this thing so square?" ... Dave_o: Why would you do this willingly? Does it give you more street cred, to play one of these? slowbeef: I think the idea is like, he's thinking like when he's 70 in a bar he's gonna talk to other veterans of Mario Frustration. Dave_o: Or if he's like, if he's like getting mugged, the dudes are like, "Man, give me your money!" and he's like "Do you know who you're talking to?" and they're like "What?" and he's like "I beat Super Mario Frustration." and they just flee. Diabetus: Screaming. slowbeef: The gun they're holding starts shaking a little first, then they drop it and run. Dave_o: Yeah. He's like Batman, really, but.. [the LPer shouts about how annoying it is doing the same thing repeatedly] slowbeef: This is how Batman trains to fight criminals. Dave_o: He said it was really annoying that he keeps doing the same thing over and over, and I gotta say, he's on the money. Diabetus: I miss Billy MC so much.

• Super Metroid INCREDIBLE FUN:

Wood: The station appears to be deserted. No one is in the building. slowbeef: [snickers] Oh, is that what deserted means? Diabetus: It's deserted. No one's there. It's as if no one's in the building. Where did everyone go?

• Sword of Vermillion:

Diabetus: So earlier you said that this game was the Genesis' answer to The Legend of Zelda. I say that this video is the human answer to the Genesis. slowbeef: I think this video is why Sega stopped making consoles. ... Diabetus: Imagine being the cameraman for this. How would you feel? slowbeef: Bound and Gagged?

• • Slowbeef's reactions to the video, which start out confused and become increasingly horrified.

slowbeef: Oh god... what is this? Oh, this is shameful. This is so- Oh good god.

• • The spin-off Webcam Ward covered a similar video with Golden Axe.
• Terrible Sequel Headaches: The DarkSeed 2 wrongpurae replaces bad housing with Mike Dawson suddenly becoming the most pathetic person on Earth.

Mike Dawson: Oh no, not the hall of death again! The only way out of here is death!

• • And ring toss.
  • The epic climax of Darkseed 2: Mike's mother's head exploding. Slowbeef, who knows it's coming, can hardly contain himself in anticipation. Diabetus, who is unaware of it, completely loses it for a minute straight. As Slowbeef says, that makes the last 6 hours of agony all worth it.
    • It was also part of his reason to keep Diabetus from spoiling any parts before they started the Recordings.
  • A while earlier, Mike uses the Dark World magnetic crossbow to rig the ringtoss game, throws the ring... and misses again because Slowbeef deliberately spliced in the footage just to deny Mike Dawson victory. Watch it here.
  • The recurring issues with the longplayer, who constantly goes out of his way to engage in pointless conversations and stare at scenery for no real reason.

Slowbeef: Fuck you, longplayer! You're just doing this to fuck with us!

• • Slowbeef making reference to the fact that he could be playing Batman: Arkham City instead of doing this. Then at one point slowbeef decides to give the viewers his PSN name - only to instead give Proteus' SA handle. And then Diabetus claims that's his PSN name too.
  • Slowbeef and Diabetus decide that the Dark World shooting gallery heads are shouting insults at Mike every time he walks by.

Loser! Hate you! Get out! Idiot! Dress like a moron! The worst! Why are you here!

• The LP is terrible...I hope it doesn't last. Can someone top The Nostalgia Critic's Let's Play in terms of awfulness? teddybearmassacure aims to try:

slowbeef: ...I watched three seconds of this video and I told 'beetus 'Let's do this sight unseen.' [...] Anyway, ready? Diabeetus: Ready. teddybearmassacure: Okay! Welcome back to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Part FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! Diabeetus: Ooh, you weren't kidding. ... slowbeef: I would rather masturbate with sandpaper than talk to this kid in real life. ... slowbeef: Goddamnit, I wish Gene Wilder would yell at him! Diabeetus: [...] YOUR VIDEO IS SHIT! GOOD DAY SIR! slowbeef: YOU! GET! NOTHING! ... Diabeetus: [singing] Oompa Loompa Doopedy Doo! I've got a crappy Let's Play for you! Oompa Loompa Doopedy Dee! If you are wise you'll delete this LP!

• The Nostalgia Critic Jumps the Shark While Sputtering and Cursing About It: Their video on the Nostalgia Critic's Let's Play of Bart's Nightmare has Slowbeef and Diabetus suffering through the worst LP they've ever seen.

slowbeef: I don't believe it! I'm genuinely getting annoyed by this! Diabetus: Just now? It took you half the video?! ... slowbeef: (livid) He makes five digits off this, according to Wikipedia. He quit his job and he makes this. And you tell me I don't have a right to be mad. I could have not gotten a degree and all I could have done was 'YRGH DRGH GRGH' while I played video games and recorded it, and that would have literally been better than this.

• • Anything where they start mocking his constant Angrish is guaranteed to be funny.

slowbeef: He's like a weird sine wave. 'OHWOWNOWIMPRETENDINGTOBEINSANE okay now I'm normal again BUTNOWIMPRETENDINGAGAIN!'

• • Slowbeef addresses The Critic:

slowbeef: Doug. Can I call you Doug? Because I feel like you've put me through something here.

• • Eventually, they assign him a modified Ridley voice.

slowbeef: Gotta pay the bills this month AAGH!

• This is a damn trainwreck.

gameguy3424: So sorry about that, my mother needed a little bit of help with her fish tank... slowbeef: Is this, like, a Let's Play, or does this guy not know about Twitter? Diabetus: "In lieu of doing commentary, I will change my Facebook status for every move I make in Mario 3." slowbeef: "Got a fireflower, updated two minutes ago." "Shot a fireball, updated one minute ago." "Still sucks at Mario 3, updated now." Diabetus: "gamerguy3424 has lost 50 friends." slowbeef: "This brings him to a total of negative 400." [gameguy3424 starts whistling the level music] Diabetus: This is riveting commentary, by the way. slowbeef: He can't even whistle. He's just, like, blowing. Diabetus: 'Oh shit, I'm out of commentary! Uh, uh, THPPPP THHHHPPPPPP TTTTHHHHPPPP' ... gameguy3424: Do a barrel roll! slowbeef: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKES! Diabetus: [growls] slowbeef: I hate Star Fox! Just for that, I hate Star Fox! Fuckin' idiots, that - Why is that even a catchphrase? ... gameguy3424: Do a barrel roll! slowbeef: AGAIN?! What are you, joking?

• This is Kokiri Forest [citation needed] features a LPer messing around in a video editing program, adding an absurd degree of "add-ons":

[a Kokiri Forest-themed border is visible around the LP video] slowbeef: So we got this weird picture-in-picture thing goin', which looks phenomenal, I might- I must say. Diabetus: Yeah, it's like watching a Let's Play in 3D. slowbeef: Oh, yeah. It's beautiful, really. It's like Avatar. Diabetus: I feel like I'm in Kokiri Forest. [the LPer talks to Mido; the border blinks to green for a moment, and Mido's 3D model is suddenly overlaid on top of the border] Diabetus: I- uh, huh? slowbeef: Oh. Uhh... Diabetus: That's one of his clever add-ons? slowbeef: That's kind of frightening, if you want to know the truth. ...That was like that one thing the kid did when he said his, like, ROM was being hacked or something by a ghost. Diabetus: Who is this giant invading Kokiri Forest?! slowbeef: It's like... this is like the Santa's Workshop version of The Ring. What's going on with this thing? It's staring at me. Diabetus: Gradually gets larger. Later on... Diabetus: Now that we're in the scene with the Deku Tree, here's a picture of the Deku Tree. In case you're really stupid.

• Throne High, the riff on King's Quest VI Heir Today Gone Tomorrow.
  • The encounter with the oyster.
  • In the beginning of Session 2, Alexander talks to a creature. Slowbeef assigns the creature the Ridley voice. Then the creature speaks in a voice sounding almost exactly like it.

slowbeef: Oh! ...that was prophetic. Diabetus: Do you have the power of foresight, Slowbeef?

• • Jollo MD. Nuff said.
  • When they discuss the unfairness of the minotaur's labyrinth, Slowbeef laments the time he wasted mapping it out when he was young and naive. Diabetus points out how he's currently engaged in the far more productive task of mocking an old video game and posting it online. Cue five minutes of laughing and shameless Self-Deprecation while bringing up the Jollo voice AGAIN to show how mature they are.
  • Diabeetus' parodies of "Girl in the Tower", especially:

Diabeetus: Ladies and gentlemen, the "Girl in the Tower"...sung by Jollo.

• • If you look at the Blip URL for the first part of the longpurae you'll see Slowbeef named it "Meet n Fuck Kingdom."
    • The Youtube Playlist adds more.

"Meet n' Fuck King's Quest VI"

• How about The Tower Of Horrible Voices?
  • "Oh, I'm so good at video games. I'm the best. This is not hard at all. NOW I'M DOING DIALOGUE! THIS IS SO FUNNY AND NOT ANNOYING!"
  • "Oh God, I have to put my video on YouTube and annoy the Internet!"
  • The LPer also attempts to voice act for every line of dialogue. When an instance comes where it says 'Grrrrr', the guys beat him to the punch by snarling loudly.
  • "Get the fuck off my Internet!" It's hilarious how infuriated slowbeef gets in this video.
  • Lijik's gimmick gets so annoying that someone in real life knocks on his room's door to shut him up. This doesn't go unnoticed by the guys. As Diabetus put it: "YES MOM, I WILL DO THE D- I mean, yes, mother, I will do the dishes and hang the plant".
  • Slowbeef actually singles out a comment by RafiGirl123 for praise, and Diabetus says to go thumbs up the comment. It has 2505 thumbs up as of this writing, while Lijik's asshole response has been marked as spam.

slowbeef: Okay, I have never done this before but I am going to praise a comment on this video- [Lijik pipes up with the voice again] SHUT UP SO I CAN TALK! Okay. RafiGirl123L "Your god-this-is-hard schtick is more annoying than funny." Diabetus: I could barely hear what you're saying but yeah I think I got it. slowbeef: If I could thumbs that up times a million, I would! Thank you, RafiGirl123! Diabetus: Everybody, go thumbs up that comment right now. slowbeef: Lijik Lets Play's response: [imitates Lijik's grating Jack Chainsaw voice] "I'LL GO BACK IN TIME-" [goes back to normal very quickly] Nah, I won't do that. "I'll go back in time and make sure that something I did 5 months ago never happened." You obnoxious little prick!

• The entire retsufrash of The Trapped Trilogy could count.
  • From Trapped:
    • The Title Drop at the very beginning.

Character: Why do I feel so...trapped? Proteus: Oh, I see what you did there. slowbeef: I can't believe they actually did that.

• • • The finger puzzle:

Character: Benjamin...Greunbaum? Is that my name? slowbeef: What are you reading? Look There's a fucking finger in your wallet! Proteus: No shit! I mean, like, 'oh, let me read this before I happen to look slightly to my left and notice, A FINGER!' Character: I noticed a finger in my wallet. That is disgusting! Proteus: And it's slightly nauseating. ... Character: It was the finger I found in the wallet. It felt heavier than a normal finger. slowbeef: Oh, a heavy finger. I know what to do with that. We burn it! Character: Very interesting. As I burned the skin off the finger, I found a metal piece. The finger was artificial. Proteus: [laughing] You-you couldn't just peel the flesh back or something, you had to burn flesh! Was it still bloody, I mean, what?

• • • "Why is she pulsating? Why is she fucking pulsating?!"
  • From Pursuit:
    • "Did you just pocketknife through a concrete wall!?"
    • Their reaction to the fishing rod puzzle.

slowbeef: Let's see...we have a rope. What can we combine that with to make a fishing rod? Proteus: The banana! slowbeef: [chuckles] Ummm... Proteus: Is it really the banana? Please tell me it's the banana! slowbeef: It's the banana! Proteus: Oh my God! Is it really the banana? slowbeef: Yeah! [combines rope and glue] We have a gluey rope and now we're going to glue a banana onto it! Proteus: Oh my God! We're going to use a banana! You know what strikes me as something we could have used? The screwdriver...that we just threw away for some fuckin' reason. slowbeef: [Combines "gluey rope" with the banana] There, now we've got a- Proteus: That doesn't even-what the fuck? slowbeef: Wait, but that's not enough-it's not a fishing rod yet. Proteus: It certainly is not a fishing rod, I'm not gonna lie. slowbeef: Now we need to add a pocketknife to it, to make it a real fishing rod. Proteus: This is the worst fishing rod! slowbeef: [Combines pocketknife with "gluey banana rope"] Look at how it's combined when it's completed now! Proteus: You're going to get some sort of retard dopefish to grab this thing! I mean, what kind of an idiot... slowbeef: Look at it! [uses fishing rod, fish instantly appears in inventory] And then we just have a fish! [The two of them laugh for a few minutes] slowbeef: Now, I think maybe that might be my favorite part of the series, really, but let's see what the old man says when we feed the cat. Old man: Why thank you young lady, I have no use for this blowtorch of mine. It's empty, though. Here, take it! [slowbeef and Proteus erupt into hysterics] Proteus: WHAT?! WHAT?! slowbeef: He gives her...an empty blowtorch!! ...for a fish!! Proteus: You know, I was gonna say 'We just used six inventory items to get that fish. It better be a goddamned good reward!' I was not expecting that as our reward! That was worth it!

• • From Escape:
    • "Oh, god. Literally. Oh God."
    • "Oh yeah, I found this very rare, very expensive gold coin. I'm gonna use it to unscrew a toilet lid."
    • "Let her go, Whitey, you can't have her!" "WHITEY!"
    • The reaction to the big twist:

McNeely: In fact, you are the leader of Armor Gamsees itself! Proteus: WHAT?!! Dialla: But... how is that possible? Proteus: Yeah, how IS that even possible?!

• Transformers Review?: Diabetus, slowbeef, and Proteus are befuddled by an incoherent 'review' of Transformers: Comvoy no Nazo and the Mind Screw that comes afterwards.

Diabetus: So, I'm a little bit confused. Did he like the game or not? Proteus: I think he has mixed feelings about it. slowbeef: I think, judging by the previous part of the video, it turned him into God.

• Virtually every single damn second in the True Shit Wrongpurae.
  • Especially the saloon sequence, and one particular exchange.

Cowboy / "The Man With The Cigarette": He's done it now. He's killed Evil Eb's littlest brother, and that means trouble. slowbeef: Who the hell are you? Diabetus: [raspy voice] I need a throat lozenge. [a coroner passes by] Oh, excuse me, retard Abraham Lincoln.

• • "And now let's go up for a whore! [...] What? We really were getting a whore? I was kidding!"
  • The hero apparently having sex with a prostitute for an entire week, then inexplicably jumping off the balcony on an order to go downstairs, with no adverse effects.
  • Their reaction to the Twist Ending.
  • The last few minutes where the duo discuss what the title of the video should be.
• Ultimate Challenge: What might be THE defining moment in the history of combining a LP and a package of pizza rolls.

Proteus: He has-- He has bigger tits than my girl...

• In The Unfair Retsupurae, annoyed at Sonikdude101's exaggerated reactions, Slowbeef and Diabetus wonder if that's how he reacts to real life difficulties as well, pondering also if they should reevaluate their LP styles accordingly to be more famous. Then this exchange occurs:

slowbeef: Yeah, I know! It's like you're playing Modern Warfare 2 and you're like "OH MY GOD, MY GRENADE ROLLS BACK DOWN!!! WHAT HAPPENED..." Diabetus: You're in an actual army and you're saying that. *both laugh* "I JUST GOT FRAGGED!!!" slowbeef: "THESE BLACKWATER MERCS KEEP FUCKING THINGS UP!!!" Diabetus: "I'M NEVER GONNA SEE MY WIFE AND KIDS AGAIN!!! THAT'S BULLSHIT!!!" slowbeef: "I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S A FUCKING KID SHOOTING AT ME, THIS IS TERRIBLE!!!"

• • And then there's this exchange earlier in the video:

SonikDude101: What the fuck!? Why did I sign up to do this!? slowbeef: Oh, I hate when they fucking say that shit. Diabetus: Like "why would I do this?", "what am I doing?"... slowbeef: "WHY IS GOD FORCING ME TO DO THIS!? WHY DID THE YOUTUBE EMPEROR MAKE ME PLAY THIS GAME!?" Diabetus: Well, you know what it is? It's peer pressure. slowbeef: Who is his peer, though?" Diabetus: He- [[[Sonik Dude 101]] dies again, then interrupts him with yet another over-the-top laughing reaction.] Diabetus: He's just getting in with the wrong crowd, man... only on a much more nerdy level. slowbeef: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the circus orgasms he's having. Diabetus: Well, I was just saying- [Diabetus imitates Sonik Dude 101's fake laughter]

• Velos, an unedited video from a visibly overweight Internet Tough Guy in response to the RP team riffing on one of his friend's videos:

Velos: [completely unemotionally] If [Cloud8745] ever met you in real life, he'd kick your ass. And if I met you in real life, I'd fucking kill you right now. 'Cause you will go down in hell. I'll haunt you. Yeah. I'll kill you.

• Wait for it...

NaVGTR: Donkey Kong Country is truly perfect. If you do not get this amazing new generation of Donkey Kong madness, you are stupid! Yes, I know, that's insulting, but it's also the truth! If you're a true video game fan, you will not hesitate in the slightest bit to buy this remarkable piece of video gaming history! [long pause] slowbeef: Now take this time to reflect on just how stupid you are! Diabetus: I think that's what this footage is meant for. slowbeef:If you do not buy Donkey Kong Country, then your mother is a whore! Diabetus: It may sound insulting, but you're a fucking idiot! slowbeef: It may be insulting, but I just fucked your grandmother! ... [The review ends with Donkey Kong's Game Over screen.] Diabetus: Well this is kind of a somber way to end your video game review, isn't it? slowbeef: I'm sure he wanted to put the word "IDIOT" right in the center there, but he couldn't figure out how.

• Warning: Serious Eye Damage Hazard has a good bit halfway through the video.

slowbeef: Oh, it's a kid. Proteus: Whatever, I don't give a fuck! No excuses! I don't give a shit, I don't care if he's four! Don't do shit like this, I don't give a fuck how old you are, this is a bad idea! I'm not gonna fucking pretend like this video's okay 'cause the kid's fuckin' retarded and seven years old! slowbeef: [chuckles] I am morally outraged, but I must agree. Proteus: How can you be morally outraged!? If my son did this, I would kill him! [slowbeef bursts into laughter] slowbeef: "I WOULD MURDER MY CHILD IF HE DARED--" Proteus: I would murder my child for making a video of this poor quality! slowbeef: "You embarrass my family with this Let's Play!?" Proteus: Don't you know me!? I did Daikatana and you make this shit!? FUCK YOU. Diabetus: "Did you learn nothing from me!?" slowbeef: "The one thing I said to your mother was 'I want him to be a good Let's Player when he grows up', and now look at what you've done!" Diabetus: "You couldn't even take after your dad!" Proteus: Fuck school, fuck sports, he doesn't need to do any of that, but he's gonna be a good LP'er, god damn it! slowbeef: "The only grade that matters is the one that can be rated on a scale of 1 to 5!" Proteus: [laughs] With stars! slowbeef: "You've failed me for the last time, Samuelking100 Proteus Jr.!" Proteus: The only worthwhile thing anybody will ever say to you will be through text comments on your Youtube page! slowbeef: "Now you get out of my sight, and don't come back downstairs 'til you own a Gamebridge!"

• What The (CENSORED): The trio are left confused at an LP of Super Mario Bros 3 which uses obnoxiously loud sound effects and save states at the most unfortunate times.

Proteus: This is like the audio version of epilepsy.

• • Diabeetus drops this gem on the sudden transition from the prologue music from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night to fart noises:

Diabeetus: That's like having The Beatles open for your son's Garage Band.

• • Then, the video abruptly ends with a piano version of 'Departed Souls':

slowbeef: What th-! Proteus: Oh! Hello...piano out of nowhere. What the fuck? slowbeef: What, did someone die? Proteus: Yes! Mario did! Many, many times!

• Wizardry V: The guys take the game's "Oops!" error message and run with it.

slowbeef: Cast "Make a good YouTube video." OOPS! Diabetus: I decide to Let's Play Wizardry V. OOPS! slowbeef: Succeed at life. OOPS!

• • "HE LOADED STATE!"
• It may be the Worst Retsupurae Ever, but the last minute is a comedy goldmine.

Proteus: Oh, that's what all this is; he asked for votes on which Pokémon he should use next, or whatever. Diabetus: Who cares? They're all the same. Proteus: No, you guys need to vote in our text comments. slowbeef: [starts laughing] Diabetus: Which Pokémon should this guy use in his next video? Which was made over a year ago. slowbeef: We'll get Deceased Crab to enforce. Proteus: You're dead to the Youtube LP community. slowbeef: [speaking in a Deceased Crab-like voice] Hey, I'm the Youtube LP Emperor! You have to do video 19 over with the following Pokémon. Diabetus: [speaks in his own Deceased Crab voice] If it's not a crab-based Pokémon, I'm going to block you! Huzzah! Proteus: [does the same] Huzzah! slowbeef: This is the most perfect Deceased Crab impression there is! I sound just like him right now! Diabetus: I'm perpetually in puberty! slowbeef: This is the most horrible Retsupurae video we ever made! Proteus: Huzzah, this sucks! slowbeef: Huzzah. Diabetus: I'm gonna kill myself after watching this! Dagnabbit! slowbeef: [sputters-] Bakesale. [normal voice, cracks up] Why did we start on Deceased Crab, again?

• You will not make it through this video, but it's worth trying.

Diabetus: ...are you saying this guy's not making you enthusiastic about this? Slowbeef: You notice he's just wandering around the town, right? It's not like this is a party. Diabetus: Goes outside every day, "AWRIGHT, I'M GOING TO CHECK SOME MAIL, HAWHAAAW!" Slowbeef: "WOOHOO! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? AND HERE'S THE MAILBOX" "HELLO I HAVE A LETTER IN MY MOUTH FOR YOU" "THANK YOOOUUU!"

• You're just crossed over into the Evil Zone

Before entering a match, Gally begins a story about his drinking habits by stating "Sorry about last week. I like booze!". This is shortly followed up with the name of the match: "Noisy Girl" Gally: So... Howdy! Sorry about last week. I like Booze! slowbeef and Diabetus chuckle Diabetus: Paul Eiding didn't know he was being recorded at this point. [...] Gally: Stage Four: Noisy Girl! slowbeef: Pfft, oh my god! Diabetus (imitating Gally): Let me just rub this vagina out of my face. slowbeef: Heh heh heh heh. You don't even wanna know why they call her Noisy Girl. Diabetus: I don't, actually.

• Zelda: The LPer spends a little more than one minute explaining his computer setup and technical difficulties without even playing. And when he does start to play, the framerate barely goes above two frames per second.

LPer: Am I even recording? [slowbeef and Diabetus crack up] slowbeef: No, you're not recording! LPer: It would suck if I wasn't. [slowbeef and Diabetus burst into laughter again] Diabetus: Actually, it would be like a gift from heaven! LPer: Now to whack the crap out of that dude. I can't remember if I beat him or not. [slowbeef and Diabetus erupt into hysterics] slowbeef: You can't remember?! [The LPer pauses the game again] slowbeef: Stop pausing! You were-what the fuck! LPer: Oh yeah, this is where I got interrupted...by my sister. [slowbeef and Diabetus howl with laughter] Diabetus: His sister came in, "Let me show you how to do this". slowbeef: This is where my sister started playing for me. ... Diabetus: What's he doing? slowbeef: Tryin' to have sex with Zelda. [The LPer remarks that he's trying to play a game of grab-ass with Zelda.] slowbeef: OH MY GOD, he was! [The LPer runs around again, trying to mess around with Zelda.] Diabetus: Oh, what, it took so long to make the 16-bit sex look convincing? slowbeef: I can't watch this. [The two continue to sputter out Angrish for a few seconds.] slowbeef Did he think this was really funny? [LPer laughs] slowbeef: I guess so!

Chip Cheezum and Ironicus

• Aliens and Dinos are DEAD is a basic RP... until the 3:20 mark when Chip's skype bugs out and loses Ironicus on his side.

ChipCheezum: Oh no! oh no! Ironicus is gone! UH OOOOOH!

• ALLHHHH with barely legible subtitles and... well...

DDDDDDDDDDDDKKKKKKKKKKKKK

• AMY ROOOOOOSE: Chip and Ironicus encounter a veritable goldmine of comedy. Who seems to have an innate hatred for Amy Rose.

DannyXX39: Oh brother, Amy Rose in Sonic Colors... Good God! When will this eternal nightmare ever end for Sonic?! [...] anybody got an AK-47 rifle? [...] So unless Sonic has something to say about Amy being in Sonic Colors... [DannyXX39 shows his fan character flipping the bird at the screen, and Chip and Ironicus break down in hysterics.] DannyXX39: Fuck yoooouuuuuuu!! GeneralIronicus: Dude, Sonic is high as hell right now; he doesn't even know what he's saying! ChipCheezum: Oh, Sonic... Sonic! GeneralIronicus: Sonic, strike her with your holy vengeance! [beat] Wha- what did he say about an AK-47? I'm gonna rewatch this! ChipCheezum: I think he just said it would be great to have an AK-47 to shoot Amy Rose with! GeneralIronicus: Yes! That- [they crack up again] ...anybody who got an AK-47 rifle, that is the... ChipCheezum: [imitates the goldmine] It just goes to show you that I hate Amy Rose's guts! It just makes me feel completely irate, you guys! It just does! GeneralIronicus: [laughing] Let this eternal nightmare for Sonic the Hedgehog end! ChipCheezum: Comments-have-been-disabled-for-this-video!

• The Annotated Snakes, in which Chip & Ironicus riff on an attempted Abridged Series of Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes, with jokes that extend the footage rather than abridge it, along with noticable technical issues and terrible voice acting:

ChipCheezum: "Help I can't stop vibrating!" GeneralIronicus: Now Campbell's gettin' shakey with it! ChipCheezum: "Campbell I can vibrate more than you let's go! Naomi you aren't even vibrating you're not even playing the game right get outta here! Campbell get back here let's vibrate each other!" [motorboating] Terrible Otacon Voice: Snake! I just remembered... GeneralIronicus: Oh yeah, that's exactly what it sounds like, good job. ChipCheezum: "HELLO THIS IS OTACON." GeneralIronicus: You're like the spitting audio image, congratulations. ChipCheezum: "SNAKE LET'S TALK ABOUT MY FAVOURITE ANIMES. SNAKE. I'M OTACON."

• Another Announcement takes another jab at the Elemental Goddesses fans after their original videos mocking it were reported for "copyright infringement"... by showing Chip tracing over Goku and declaring it a completely original character.
• Deekee. After the LPer mispronounces DK as Deekee, Chip and Ironicus go into a minutes-long spiel about 'deekee torches' and 'deekee heads on Easter Island'.
• Draculur's Curse opened up with extremely loud anime music, then halfway through the video lost all sound leaving Chip and Ironicus in shock. Granted the portions that did have sound still managed to achieve that same effect:

ChipCheezum: I don't think any of them are forgotten. GeneralIronicus: Well Draculur's Curse is. I know a lot of people talk about Dracula's Curse, but nobody gives any love to Draculur's Curse.

• • Magus also seemed to really really like the game's Mode 7 effects which lead to some interesting comment.
• Pretty much the entirety of the Drunk Mario Kart Trilogy, especially whenever the LPer goes completely ballistic:

[video starts, robdamanii is gently passed by Mario] robdamanii: YOU GODDAMNED DAGO FUCKING PLUMBER! ChipCheezum: [laughing] What? GeneralIronicus: That's... that's the best opening to a video... robdamanii: AND YOU STUPID CUNT WOMAN PRINCESS, I HOPE YOU GET YOUR GODDAMNED HEAD CHOPPED OFF! ... robdamnaii: I'm not usually this angry. ChipCheezum: Really? GeneralIronicus: I find that hard to believe. robdamanii: [gets passed] You cunt! GeneralIronicus: Nobody, nobody who gets this upset at Mario Kart... ChipCheezum: "GRRRRR... PEACH!" GeneralIronicus: They can't possibly be a calm person in other areas of their life. ChipCheezum: "TOAD! RRRRRRGGGH!" GeneralIronicus: "Don't cut in line in front of me at the bank you DAGO CUNT!" ... [robdamanii finishes the cup in 2nd to Luigi] GeneralIronicus: Here comes my favorite line! robdamanii: Fuck that dago wop son of a bitch. DIE! Sorry if you're Italian, I FUCKING HATE Luigi. He's a DOUCHEBAG. And I hope his life ends, painfully with rectal cancer in his mouth!

• Elemental Goddess [1] ^{[dead link]}[2] ^{[dead link]}[3] ^{[dead link]}, in which Chip and Ironicus take on material that is barely even salvageable by pointing out the terrible writing and animation whenever possible:

Raphiel: I hate people! I just can't bear them! My name is Raphiel! GeneralIronicus: Hello, Raphiel, how are you doing? ChipCheezum: What a wonderful introduction! That's how I introduce myself to people. GeneralIronicus: First you share your opinion on all of humanity, and then give your name! ChipCheezum: "I hate Jews a whole lot! My name is Chip, hello." GeneralIronicus: We're not doing that episode yet! ChipCheezum: Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm sorry, I'll hold back my hatred for Jews until that episode. [two episodes later:] Christian Woman: Jewish people have been worthless throughout history!!

• Finally, It is Batman Time has a confused Valley Girl LPer

NewYorkDefenderTalon: [arriving in a hallway with holes] This part always made me nervous with the holes in the wall... ChipCheezum: The holes make you nervous? GeneralIronicus: Are you afraid you'll slip out? NewYorkDefenderTalon: Mainly because it reminds me of a gas chamber... GeneralIronicus: What? NewYorkDefenderTalon: From uh... which World War was it? GeneralIronicus: Which World War had the gas chambers?! NewYorkDefenderTalon: You know with Hitler and all that. ChipCheezum: Which war was it that had Hitler and the Holocaust... I can't remember. GeneralIronicus: You've got two to choose from it's kind of a coin flip for which World War it was!

• Gaming Journalism: Chip and Ironicus take on a REALLY creepy guy "reviewing" Otomedius Excellent for Kotaku, commenting both on the low video standards of the site and how the reviewer himself is terrible at a simple Gradius-style game, leaving only ONE reason why he bought the game in the first place.

ChipCheezum: [upon viewing the intro to the game] I feel like this is No More Heroes 2 except it's not a joke!!!

• happy birthday general ironicus: Ironicus rips into a Marvel vs. Capcom 3 video. Whilst acting like M.O.D.O.K.

GeneralIronicus: If your tactics are not working perhaps you should change them. This is simple. M.O.D.O.K learned this when he was a Mental Organism Designed Only for Crawling!

• Holy crap, Louis. (sic) Chip & Ironicus witness a Super Mario RPG LP done like an episode of Family Guy. Chip outright loses it.

"Holy crap Lois, Super Mario World was a bullshit game where I rode a Japanese dinosaur with a yellow, piss-colored cape. Holy crap Lois, do you remember that time I played Chrono Trigger and I pressed the button and a thing happened? Holy crap, Lois! [...] LOIS, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME I DID A LET'S PLAY PRETENDING TO BE PETER GODDAMN GRIFFIN?! DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN I DID THAT? DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN I MADE THAT LIFE CHOICE TO PRETEND TO BE PETER GRIFFIN AND DO A LET'S PLAY OF SUPER MARIO RPG DO YOU REMEMBER, LOIS?!"

• • At the end they start listing off similar LP ideas including (but not limited to) Paper Mario as The Cleveland Show, Final Fantasy VI as South Park, and 50 Cent Blood on the Sand as American Dad (this one they agree could possibly work).
• I'm going to make my own girl. The duo take on a video of a guy using a model making program in a very creepy way.

Player: What is this wonderous world... a place where I can do whatever I want? GeneralIronicus: I'm kinda afraid of whatever you want. ... GeneralIronicus: Why is she sticking her ass out like that? ChipCheezum: IT'S SEXY!! GeneralIronicus: And what can make her stop? ChipCheezum: NOTHING! SHE'S SEXY ALL THE TIME!

• • It's made even funnier and/or creepier if you know that the game in question was 3D Custom Girl, an Eroge.
• The Legend Of Sweat:

LPer: I swear, [my cat's] own version of catnip is human sweat. GeneralIronicus: ...what. ChipCheezum: We're done. GeneralIronicus: No. End the video. Done. I'm done. I'm out. [video immediately ends]

• Let's Recommend :-), also known as Let's Giggle Like Schoolgirls Over Sir Ron Lionheart!
• Mario Party. Alone. AGAIN. includes the following exchange where Chip and Ironicus imagine what an exchange between Catboy12000 and his therapist might be like:

GeneralIronicus: [as CatBoy12000's therapist] "So tell me about this Wario character, we had a lot of work with him last week." ChipCheezum: [as CatBoy12000] "Well, y'see, any time I play Mario Party, he - uh, I'm on the Mini-Game Island, and he comes up and he gets in my way, and he's really mean, and...sometimes he tells me that nobody likes me, and I know that, y-you told me that, th-that anytime I think that nobody likes me it's just because I don't like myself before I can have any real friends I have to learn to like myself, but I've been doing pretty good at that lately, I mean, when I play Mario Party I don't yell at myself as much..." GeneralIronicus: [as CatBoy12000's therapist] "I think you're making great progress, Catboy12000, but... I'd just like to inform you that I don't like you either, and you pay me. Just think about that for a second." ChipCheezum: [as CatBoy12000] "If I pay you extra, will you tell me that I'm a cool person and that you would high-five me any day of the week?" GeneralIronicus: [as CatBoy12000's therapist] "I'm sorry, I have ethics." ChipCheezum: [as CatBoy12000] "Oh... W-Wario and Yoshi still like me!" GeneralIronicus: [as CatBoy12000's therapist] "I've been meaning to tell you." ChipCheezum: [as CatBoy12000] "What?" GeneralIronicus: [as CatBoy12000's therapist] "Yoshi is not a sexual object." ChipCheezum: [as CatBoy12000] "Y-You're just jealous about Yoshi and I's love! Nothing can get in between me and Yoshi." GeneralIronicus: [as CatBoy12000's therapist] "I'm pretty sure that Koopa Trooper can." ChipCheezum: [as CatBoy12000] "Not for long when I win the mini-game! I will-I'll use save states to preserve our love."

• The MEGA MAC DADDY OF ECOLOGY has their reaction to the new Captain Planet intro:

Inexplicable pair of green lips: Captain Planet, he's our man... GeneralIronicus: [clearly amused] What is this bullshit?! ChipCheezum: I know, I j-- when I downloaded this, I just took a peek at this and I saw this and immediately I went [Captain Planet looms over a sleeping woman, dressed as a vampire] -- WHY IS HE DRACULA? -- I just went "this is fucking bullshit". What the hell are these lips?! This is not the theme song I remember at all.

• • Their response to the yeti being voiced by Tony Jay:

[both in hysterics] ChipCheezum: Hello, Tony Jay. [laughs] GeneralIronicus: I'm sorry you're dead. ChipCheezum: That's- that's the name of the yeti, it's Tony. GeneralIronicus: Hexadecimal's gonna pop out around the corner.

• Night Trap will be an awesome time.: "You idiot! You never told me you did a Let's Play of Night Trap! That means you have Super-AIDS!"
• No Comment: The bouncy intro and outro make the video.
• NUCLEAR FISSION HOBBY CENTER: Fleeting Demographic Rule at its very finest, coupled with some of the most obnonxious hosts and unnecessary video editing you've ever seen:

Jerry: We'll be doing a Retro Review. Which is something we haven't done in weeks. ChipCheezum: What retro game is this? Sonic the Hedgehog? Mega Man? GeneralIronicus: They must have gone way back to find a good retro game! Like something off the Commodore, maybe! To prove their cred! Jerry: It's very underrated. So Josh, tell the good people what game it is! Josh: We have Okami! ChipCheezum: WHAT? GeneralIronicus: Oh man! I remember when Okami came out for the Atari 2600! ChipCheezum: Yeah, I know! What the... [gibbering] ...This game came out five years ago, you idiots! Five years doesn't count as "retro"! GeneralIronicus: Let me see how "underrated" Okami is. ...a "very underrated" game with a Metascore of 93 out of 100 and a User Score of 9.2! Not a lot of people like this! [...] Hugh: Oh wow, guys! The proper word I'd say to describe Okami would be 'innovative', I'd say... ChipCheezum: I hate your voice. GeneralIronicus: I got a feeling he went through the entire dictionary word-by-word until he came upon 'innovativuuuggh'. ChipCheezum: Look. Look, Hugh. It's a videogame, it's not fine wine, okay? You're not eating cheese and wine and talking about Helter Skelter, okay? GeneralIronicus: 'I'm a connoisseur of retro video games from five years ago!' ChipCheezum: 'Mmm, yes! I was only born in 2000!' GeneralIronicus: Hugh is a pod-person who was specifically developed for reviewing video games. His birthdate was the release of MGS4, this is retro as all hell, man. [...] ChipCheezum: Look, look, kid, just record yourself talking if you really have to! Don't throw it into After Effects and color-correct it so it's in, like, 300-vision, and don't put a shitty fake vignette over it, 'cuz I know you're using Magic Bullet! GeneralIronicus: Yeah, I really like the soft focus, it's like he's really a 45-year-old actress trying to play attractive.

• • Chip & Ironicus' grilling of Fusion Media Network was so thorough (up to and including a complete and constructive list of things that could be improved) that the channel went on indefinite hiatus as a result of the backlash.
• Pong? Pong. A ten year old LPs Pong.

GeneralIronicus: Let's Play... Powerpoint? ChipCheezum: No, let's just have an intro with no music. [The video cuts to the LPers TV, with a camcorder at a terrible angle.] LPer: Hello, people of Youtube! slowbeef: *incredulous* What? ... slowbeef: It's like this kid was trapped in a time capsule from 1976. GeneralIronicus: Is Brendan Fraser doing Lets Plays now? slowbeef: We're in some kind of a time vortex; his grandfather's going to be Let's Playing Resident Evil 5. 'Just load your Atari into my hovercraft, Jimmy!' ... [The LPer starts making beeping noises.] GeneralIronicus: [laughing] Oh god...how do you go back to the Youtube standby of singing the music when there is no music? [Everyone laughs 'I'LL JUST BEEP LIKE THE PADDLE!'

• Retsupurae Mario Party has Cauchemar89 going on with how he hates Mario and Peach in Skateboard Scamper and the reveal of Cauchemar having over 500 videos in an entire year, half of which were just first videos on Let's Plays that he never finished, but the best goes out to having a unreleased beta version of Skateboard Scamper Skaetbord Skampurr, which isn't nearly as tauffer as the original. His incomprehensible Swiss accent is the cherry on top.
• Retsupurae Mario Statistics starts off like a very bland LP with boring commentary. Then at the three minute fifteen second mark:

LPer: That's uuh... that's enough of that. GeneralIronicus: Yes, you're right that's enough. LPer: Right now I think it's time to get up close and personal with my viewers. Whadda ya think? GeneralIronicus: NO! NO! NO! Plea- NO! ChipCheezum: GOD NO! GeneralIronicus:' NO! NO! NO! N- [The screen fades out from the Super Mario Bros 3 Let's Play and reveals the obese, neckbearded let's player] ChipCheezum: Oh- [screams in fear for a few seconds] OH GOD! GeneralIronicus: NO! [laughs] Oh, look at you.

• Retsupurae Mega Man 1 features audio and video that become progressively more out of sync over time, to the point where the gameplay video lasts a full 45 seconds after the audio cuts off! Sometimes the juxtaposition is unexpectedly appropriate:

[In the video, whiplash308 starts his attempt at fighting Iceman with Rolling Cutter.] [In the audio, Mega Man has already died while using Rolling Cutter, forcing whiplash308 to reload his save state.] whiplash308: Oh well, guess we're gonna have to do this the slow way. GeneralIronicus: WHAT!? ChipCheezum: He's gonna take him out the slow way by using a completely ineffective weapon for this boss. GeneralIronicus: A weapon that does less damage than his Mega Buster shots... and has no range. Against Iceman who is range; that's all he's got. ... GeneralIronicus: The more he plays, I think the audio and video are gonna sync back up again, 'cause it's the same thing over and over again. ChipCheezum: It's just gonna loop all the way back. GeneralIronicus: Eventually it's gonna match, just one loss early. ChipCheezum: Right, and it'll be in sync for a little bit and then it'll just go right back out of sync. Which really upsets me. GeneralIronicus: It's like your blinker and the guy's blinker in front of you. It matches for a while, and then it's alternating, and then it matches for a while. ChipCheezum: That's what I was thinking too.

• • Really, the whole video is funny as all hell, thanks to the LPers complete and total incompetence. He sounds like a robot thanks to audio issues, is so bad at Mega Man it's not even funny, and his commentary is horrible. Chip and Ironicus have a great time picking the idiot apart.
• Retsupurae Sly Co-SQUIRRELS. The LPer in question mentions a squirrel once at the beginning of the video—in addition to his username being 'BUCYTHESQUIRREL'--and Chip and Ironicus run with it.
  • "I called it the Squirrel-caust because that's really what it is!"
• Retsupurae Sonic 3D, which features the end of a badly tacked on vore story and Chip deciding that he has a fetish for bored looking women.
• Retsupurae Sonic the Squish-Hog is so titled because the LPer took the term 'video compression' very literally. He's also frustratingly inept at the game despite claiming familiarity with Sonic 2:

[megamike reloads a save state at the top of a half-pipe after failing to ascend the other side] ChipCheezum & GeneralIronicus: You just drop and-- [Sonic falls down one side but loses his momentum due to megamike not pressing any buttons and is stuck at the bottom again] GeneralIronicus: --now you hold right. No... ChipCheezum: No, you turn into a ball so that you get more speed; you're dumb! [megamike struggles in vain to get Sonic up the platforms in the middle of the half-pipe] megamike: If only you had the damn Spin Dash I could get up there easily! ChipCheezum: [whispering] You can't Spin Dash in the first Sonic game!

• • The other half of the video's humor comes from Chip doing impressions of megamike in a high, floaty voice. These moments frequently imply Furry Fandom:

ChipCheezum: "Can animals consent to make love? I ask because I have some blue dye and my friend has a hedgehog." GeneralIronicus: All you have to do is put it in a box with a fox that has an extra tail strapped to its back that you borrowed from your furry friend and let nature take its course. ChipCheezum: "I will get a hedgehog kitsune [pronounced "kit-soon"]. It will be born with nine tails." GeneralIronicus: All of them incredibly fast. ChipCheezum: "They will have little sneakers on them the second they are born." GeneralIronicus: Well, you have to make the sneakers custom. That's what makes it your baby. ChipCheezum: "I even got a certificate." ... GeneralIronicus: I imagine what happened is he found like, a Cybershell video, and that "inspired" him to make a Let's Play... ChipCheezum: "Cybers-hell you are my Let's Play role model! And I'm going to make a video tribute to you and I'm gonna reply it to your videos on YouTube and I hope you see them because I want to kiss you!"

• Retsupurae Super Mario Sixty-Story is just a goldmine for comedy for Chip Cheezum.
  • Ironicus' utter befuddlement at the video's lack of coherence is also quite funny. Doubly so if you consider the fact that he and Chip did a Let's Play of Killer7 and at no point of it did Ironicus sound this confused.
  • The best part is the ending.
• Retsupurae w/ The Afrin Nose went into there the moment that "Shut up, Joe!" arrived.
• R.I.P.: Ironicus accidentally breaking his watch while reacting to a camcorder Lets Play of Pac-Man World 2.

GeneralIronicus: He does widescreen, he does 4 by 3, he does... Pac-Man... [beat] Pac-Man? [amazingly loud Wakka-Wakka-Wakka noise] ChipCheezum: A never-ending hell of Wakka-Wakka-Wakka.

• • Even better, Ironicus' reaction to the phone ringing in the background:

GeneralIronicus: It's-it's a sound effect-it's the boss life bar-it really is a phone. It's a phone. You're answering the goddamn phone!

• A Tale of Demons, You Might Say: Where Chip spends the entire episode dissecting the "symbolism" of the animation:

ChipCheezum: Here's a golem wearing a face mask, it's very deep! It's so sad... but the water will purify this man... and he will turn into a fag.]]

• • The ending tops it all off, where the duo find a user review that makes the exact same observations about the flash that Chip did, up to and including the "floating baloney slices".

GeneralIronicus: For everyone who wants to know, Chip's name on Newgrounds is BadgerMasada.

• This is What You've Been Missing: Chip finds an RP he thought he had lost and decides to show us what we missed. Quack.

ChipCheezum: You'd think an LP done by The Penguin would be more entertaining.

• While watching a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon LP, they get bored and start making up their own story. It's called Tokemon.
  • The boredom comes from the LPer in question being a bland Sir Ron Lionheart clone.

GeneralIronicus: You're not SirRon, stop being SirRon.

• A Valentine's Day LP (Part 1) features a camcorder LP of Pokemon Yellow, while the LPer grinds levels and talks to his girlfriend on the phone about bowling. Chip and Ironicus react about as well as expected, with Chip going ballistic over several Jeff Dunham references. Bonus points for the second part, which features the LPer announcing the end of said LP, with the duo speculating that his girlfriend broke up with him.
• WHO IS A POKEMON IN THIS CRAZY WORLD: From ChipCheezum and GeneralIronicus' retsupuraes, where the two take the partially obscured phrases from the game and run with it.

GeneralIronicus: 'hoose a pokemon' indeed. ChipCheezum: Who is a pokemon in this crazy world? GeneralIronicus: Probably Pikachu, but I'm not-- ChipCheezum: No, excuse me, the screen clearly stated that it was Pikac! GeneralIronicus: ...That just doesn't get old! Are you a pokemon? Are you a poke-- ChipCheezum: I don't know! I don't know who's a pokemon anymore! We're all going to have to take a DNA sample and I have to torture the DNA samples to see which one's the pokemon! Oh my god, he's a pokemon! Get your flamethrowers out!

• Who Retsupuraes the Retsupuraers?: Before he uploads his next LP...I just want to go to his house and try and stop him. But for all I know he probably uploaded it 35 minutes ago.
• WiiFat

ChipCheezum: Wait, stop. Look what's behind him... to the left of him. [Ironicus starts cracking up] ChipCheezum: Look at all those pop bottles! They're still sealed! What is going on in there! GeneralIronicus: As soon as this hits a thousand views, he is gonna crack all those open at once and bathe in it. ChipCheezum: Why would you have so much pop? GeneralIronicus: It's so sticky, but it's so good!

• Wolverine's Special Home Remedy. Within the first thirty seconds of the video, the LPer suddenly blurts out that he somehow managed to get soap in his urethra. Chip and Ironicus spend the rest of the video making soap-in-dick jokes, culminating with an hilarious rant about how Wolverine is addicted to cutting off his own dick and puts soup in it as a "soothing" natural remedy:

TheSlyKy: Oh so...I got off the shower a few hours ago and yo when I was washing...mah dick... I got some soap in that motherfucka and that shit stung like a fuckin' bitch! Stung worse than a needle or a pinch...or like a bee sting...oh actually I dunno how that feels like 'cuz I've never got stung 'cuz I'm a lucky ass. But anyway, we're going to play... [Chip and Ironicus burst into laughter] GeneralIronicus: I love it already! ... [TheSlyKy types in his name in the profile screen] GeneralIronicus: "Thehzzleeky"! "The Sleeky!" ChipCheezum: "It's leaky! Help! My dick! Help! It won't stop! I think the soap started something!" GeneralIronicus: It activated the X-Gene in his dick. It's now a super prehensile dick. His dick is Reed Richards. ... GeneralIronicus: I probably would call my dick Mr. Fantastic if I could get away with it. ... Sabertooth: [looking at Wolverine] I knew I smelled something rotten! ChipCheezum: [as Wolverine] "If you smell something rotten it ain't me because I got soap ALL UP in my dick! No, that smell isn't coming from me, must be you." ... GeneralIronicus: Man, one time Wolverine got shot in the head and he was like really hurting. Almost as if he got soap in his dick. ChipCheezum: Not much you can do to regenerate soap out of your dick. You're just going to have to live with it, Wolverine. I mean, you could cut your dick off and regenerate your dick I guess. "AAH! Don't want a soapy dick any more! GET OFF! GET OFF ME!" GeneralIronicus: The problem is he does it all the time. Like he just can't not do it!. Basically next time Wolverine cuts his dick off you can look at it and it's like the rings of a tree! ChipCheezum: "Wolverine! You're on your twelfth dick ALREADY?" GeneralIronicus: "I'm the best at what I do! And what I do is slice off my own dick! Into little bite size hot dogs what with the several claws!" ChipCheezum: [cries with laughter]

• While not a Retsupurae of an LP, much of Chip and Ironicus' Retsufrash of the Xin series is pure hilarity. Especially when Ironicus breaks out his smug tough guy voice.

GeneralIronicus: It's a very tasty cylinder. I kicked it. Myself. And it became cake. Through the power of my violence.

• • Recently revived with the second season.
    • After the guys finish watching Xin episode 11, they find this gem in the comments. Their reaction is priceless:

"This is a good series you got going. Now we need to see some titty-mmm-bop-bop-tittays."

• ZeldaAAaaAAAGH: Chip and Ironicus take on ANOTHER Ocarina of Time video... whose footage gets suddendly corrupted to the point that a Ben Drowned reference is even in the video tags.

ChipCheezum: "You got the KRRHHRRHRBBBLRLBRBRGGGH"

Les Beardly

• FUCK YOU PROTON JON bashes Proton Jon for his infamous Super Mario TKO LP, focusing on the terrible videos that it spawned.

LesBeardly: I don't have anything against Proton Jon, but he did something in this video that's...pretty unforgivable. Proton Jon: This time I'm gonna let you guys play along...simply because I want to try something different.

• A Misogynist's Foam Adventure. LesBeardly tries to prove that he's not a misogynist by watching two incredibly annoying, immature girls. He suffers. Greatly.
• Rock Mario X: Bommer Climbing Chaos

LesBeardly: Pause, save state, unpause.

• Super Mario World: Kirsten Land Lesbeardly offers a classy retsupurae.
• Super Mario World: Pipe Patch It starts normal until...

LesBeardly: (mocking the LPer) Oh God what should I say what should I say? I just got a 30 day trail of Camstudio and didn't put any thought into... very loud music plays* LesBeardly: OH MY GOD MY FUCKING EARS! WHY IS YOUR VOLUME SO HIGH? TURN IT DOWN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

• Untamed Mario World: Kirsten Land 2 has mrhonk123's green apple incident.

LesBeardly: Upon the discovery that the green apples add to his time limit, he quickly devises a strategy to avoid them, and then just as quickly abandons it.

Large Mental Block

• What happens when Mike Dawson roleplays as a Half Life character? You get Ardy Freeman.
• The Audacity of Metroid, a video done by a Jerkass LPer whose commentary consists entirely of mocking the enemies and whining about how terrible his life is.

Mel14986: My mom ran some freaking errands, okay? She got some groceries. She comes home, she knows I'm upstairs recording, she knows how long I record, usually an hour and a half, and then, she has the audacity to call me down there and go 'Hey, why didn't you help me bring the groceries in?'

• I Wanna End It All riffs a moron playing I Wanna Be the Boshy. Everyone suffers.
• In Related News..., LMB was notified of a bizarrely titled video in the Related Videos section. "Asian Jizzcakes" by "inuyashamaroku" (sic). After viewing the racist, sexist, perverted, and offensive in every way video, he proceeded to give a through thrashing of his channel.
• Kids These Days...-_-;: A riff on a twelve year old who posted a video trashing his dad, after said dad found his Youtube page and chewed him out for bad language. He then goes off on bizarre tangents about school and shows the audience his yearbook, all while apparently forgetting he's not allowed to cuss.
• Let's Play with Stupid Rainbows: A terrible 'LP' of Robot Unicorn Attack.
• Metranoid; a kid with the world's worst camcorder ineptly 'reviews' Metroi-sorry, Metranoid Prime.
• Painful Player Podcast, a riff on David from Four Player Podcast.
  • After the ensuing Internet Backdraft from angry 4PP fans, one of the guys made an 'apology' video. It must be seen to be believed.
• Pants Hadoken starts with an incredibly long anime intro, then cuts to Street Fighter on the 3DS with a mumbling LPer. Winston potato chips.
• Shuffle and "Ooaw!", a video of a seventeen-year-old getting a little too excited over his Pokemon cards.
• Unthinkable: a bizarre 'music video' made by playing Alicia Keyes over Metroid: Other M footage, recorded on a terrible camcorder.
• What It Takes To Be The Guy, a seventeen minute long riff on an atrocious video. Much to the RPers amusement, the LPer keeps screeching and babbling incoherently, interspersed with technical difficulties and Skype calls.

Other

• LargeMentalBlock, ProtagonistRP and TheStrawhatNO! witness an abysmal Final Fantasy XIII LP done on a camera with a broken zoom switch. Yes, hilarity ensues.
• Fireman/Flameman/Whateverman (retsupurae) by ProtagonistRP. "Save state abuse" doesn't begin to describe it. The LPer's emulator queues recent messages, and at one point there are literally ten "GAME SAVED IN SLOT 0" messages which cover a quarter of the screen.

"I've seen Kaizo Mario World LPs that don't use save states as much as this."

• Jeezy Cries EPIC EMULATED FAAAAAIL: the LPer plays Metal Gear Solid with an untested emulator which fucks up the Grey Fox's camouflage and lags in various spots, and at one point the boss seems to just jump out of the game. Then the LPer realizes halfway through the video that maybe something's wrong with his emulator and starts changing settings while still recording. The absolute crowning moment though is when the LPer declares "epic win" after depleting the boss' lifebar... only to immediately walk into the Grey Fox's's Kaizo Trap. The final four minutes of the RP consist exclusively of Mugiwara Yoshi laughing his ass off and ThornBrain verbally face-palming.
• Jucaprost's Let's All Play Robot Unicorn Attack! and Let's Literally Tease Everyone are short and sweet pieces of hilarity.
• Let's Play Bush Throwing Simulator: Joats and JadeStar's RP of an unbelievably inept Let's Play of Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past. It literally takes the player three videos to find the first dungeon (something which would take even a newcomer to the Zelda series no more than three minutes to accomplish). Not only does it take him three videos to find the dungeon, he actually had to consult GameFAQs (while still recording. He also left his computer at this point to answer the phone) then proceeded to go to the wrong location anyway.

Jade Star: Part 3 of Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past. Part 2 was interrupted by a phone call from the LPer's dad. And no surprise, he still didn't find the dungeon during part 2. Joats: It's here somewhere. [The LPer runs back to the first area of the game] Joats: It's in front of Link's house.

• ThornBrain and Mugiwara Yoshi present the Let's Play Pokemon Black & White BEFORE IT COMES OUT Trilogy. Three videos of idiots playing a leaked ROM of the game before it came out IN JAPAN. Meaning it's all in Japanese text they can't read. The first video consists of a douchebag making extremely unfunny racist and sexist jokes, made even worse when ThornBrain learns they live in the same town. The second video has worse visual quality and he didn't patch the game, making him unable to gain experience points. The third video was a female LPer with a similar voice to QueenieZ and a similar Gamer Chick attitude.
• lets play super mario bros 2 nostalgically, a video where Psychedelic Eyeball mocks the Nostalgia Critic and his fans (as well as slowbeef in a throwaway line that mocks his Jurassic Park video). Has to be seen to be believed.
  • let's play another mario romhack, where he mocks Proton Jon and his endless romhack videos. Worth watching just to hear Eyeball try to imitate Jon's voice.
• Retsupurae Cut or Speed Up for Dummies: While the video itself is pretty uneventful they did notice the LPer's sister, and make gold in the after video.
• RP Sonic Adventure Trailer: ResearchIndicates took this video and did nothing more than remove the annotations that covered most of the screen and replaced the annoying kid's voice with himself saying the horribly broken english from the original video, word for word. The result is hilarious.
  • Then for a later video, RI actually got the same kid who did the sonic video to help him retsupurae the finale to the Survival Kids LP which Diabetus originally mocked for two videos through the main Retsupurae account (see the first folder for those videos).
• TheStrawhatNO!'s Retsupuraes of n00b22222's Super Mario Bros. 2 videos, due to n00b making mistakes that sometimes get between the cracks of the game's logic. Often results in the commentators choking with laughter.
  • N00b has trouble with bombs throughout his LP.
  • He threads the needle in a strange way with another bomb.
  • He attempts to rush to the next exit with a key.

Mugiwara Yoshi: I'm just waiting for spikes to be on the floor. [screen scrolls down, revealing spikes. N00b lands on said spikes] ThornBrain: YES!!!

• • He doesn't realize that a cloud is in the background.
  • He climbs up a ladder, gets hit and dies immediately.
  • He encounters a glitch with another ladder.
  • And finally, you're not going to believe what happens when he tries using a shell.

Mugiwara Yoshi: [hysterical laughter] How does he do it?! How does he do this?! [beat] He just defies Mario logic altogether!

• Super savestate Mario Loadstate brothers by IMSUPERLPER with co-commentator captinjingles. The title gag ("save state" and "load state" Verbal Tics) is just the appetizer. How about technical difficulties forcing a jump-cut halfway through that introduces game lag and random eruptions of audio static, when the LPer's video and audio were unimpressive to begin with? Also the Running Gag of "State 7" being a great place to hang out.

captinjingles: He titled the video "mic sucks" so you know he was aware of it -- load state -- and he uploaded it anyway. Load state.

• • From the same two, we get Top five list as done by a pedophile. There are no words. (Don't worry, the video doesn't actually contain any pedophilia—they're just making fun of the guy, since they don't know he's just acting.)
• Proteus and PsychedelicEyeball team up in Thanks for sharing, champ. The LPer abuses save states and complains about being tired in order to excuse not showing even the slightest bit of skill at Super Mario World ROM hacks. And then he parks Mario right in the middle of a stomping column and doesn't move an inch.

PsychedelicEyeball: [giggles uncontrollably] Did you see--? [degenerates into another giggling fit] Proteus: What the fuck, he just stands there? PsychedelicEyeball: Yeah, he's so tired. Proteus: Oh, god. [mocking] So tired. I can't press-- right on the d-pad, oh-- fuck.

Viewer comments and video responses

• This viewer comment, posted to the first part of the Nocturnal Letters Retsufrash, contains a hurricane of memes and in-jokes hilarious to any long-time Retsupurae fan:

"I was walking to my bedroom to play this game, and I slipped on a glooey rod and knocked my head on a grotty, piss-stained toilet. I woke up and had a vision of the Flux Capacitor. I went back in time and stopped the author from NOT making this game. After I tried to go back to the present, I ran out of plutonium, so I had to wait another 5 years for this piece of shit to come out. Finally I got a chance to play it. To my dismay, I couldn't find the play button. 10/10" -- RReviews

• Apropos of the Arise 3 video, user Zakuzelo writes: "My horrible, virus-induced death will not take any longer than 10 minutes because that is the YouTube limit."
• There's just some things you shouldn't try out, as AcetheGolden learned the hard way in his comment on the video Kirby: "I said xxthornxx 3 times at my monitor, and an insane man with a clown suit jumped out of my screen, loudly exclaimed "GREASED LIGHTNIN'!", stole all my hot dogs, and ran down the street. Thanks guys."
• Bladedlightning suggests that megamike of Retsupurae Sonic the Squish-Hog is actually an innovator of cinematography:

Don't be fooled. It may seem that he compressed the video because he's a technologically incompetent moron, but it isn't. He altered the dimensions of the video to create an elaborate illusion of enhanced lateral velocity. This isn't moronic. This is sheer brilliance.

• At the end of the Arise 4 retsufrash, Cooliespy345 invoked Slowbeef and Proteus's making fun of the forced Title Drops in the Trapped series to create a mishmash with various flash titles they had made fun of:

"I feel Trapped in this Pursuit and I need to Escape the Horror of this Death Trap so I can Arise to the Satanorium so I can apply my Elements to my Arrival in Hell. ...10/10"

• In response to the Star Strike RP: Star Strike Rave!
  • Star Wars Meets Star Strike
• Myrmidon51, on the Let's Play presented in Holy crap, Louie.:

"This isn't an awful idea. The LParchive has an LP of Jurassic Park: Trespasser where the guy spends the entire LP doing an impersonation of the Engineer from Team Fortress 2.

Wait."

• From part 11 of the Darkseed 2 longplay, CSB gives us possibly the funniest variation of NAVGTR's Tomb Raider 3 suggestion:

Navgtr: "We have a challenge to Cyberdreams."

"In Dark Seed II, create a storyline in which Mike Dawson develops adult autism. Imagine the drama of a vulnerable Mike Dawson still persisting in his Dark World adventures, despite his illness.

It may sound retarded, no pun intended, but we guarantee the gaming world would be shocked, stunned, and moved at the effort to make Mike's character more meaningful."

Cyberdreams: "Challenge accepted."

• • A sadly ignored YouTube commenter wondered who is the ultimate Unsympathetic Adventure Game Protagonist: Mike Dawson or Curtis Craig.
  • If your name is Mike Dawson, and you've posted a video on YouTube, expect to be asked a few questions in your comments.
• Elly.

"It legitimately angers me that none of these people realize that Slowbeef started LP."

• From Yowie wowie!!:

"Due to the confusion over this video, I live in a state of perpetual arousal and non-arousal at the same time. I have Schrodinger's hard-on."

• One of the comments on the Arise games' videos expresses horror at seeing one of the Halloween masks that one of the games' many Jump Scare JPEGs ripped off - not at the mask itself, but the idea that something from the internet found him in Real Life.

YouTube comment: The entire Arise series is like my cat.It likes to jump and startle me, and has a distinct love for drawers and keys.

• The top YouTube comments on Arise 3: "I feel that Slowbeef is running down a hallway dragging Diabeetus after him" and "Slowbeef has evolved into Fastbeef."
• Dawson Man- Ring Toss Extraordinaire
• From Part 2 of the Darkseed longplay:

Thomal9: The house is drafty and creaky, half the windows are missing, the garage is only accessible via climbing down the balcony, and there's a portal to hell in the living room filled with aliens who want to destroy humanity. 10/10

• From the "Gaming Journalism" video on Chip's channel:

ThisIsCertainlyExile: Perhaps this is what Xin would look like with more titty-mmm-bop-bop-tittays.

• This .GIF.
• "A Look at Ancient LP Technology" has none other than Quadraxis14 showing that he has a sense of humor:

Quadraxis14: I can't lie; every time I see a Retsupurae with Super Mario World I get nervous that it's going to involve SNES9X going to involve SNES9X going to involve SNES9X going to involve SNES9X

• These two comments for the main account's Metroid: Other M Wrongpurae. The first is a rant against the entire game, especially Sakamoto's influence, while the second is a count of various events, such as saying the word baby, authorizations, and slowbeef's getting pissed.
  • First comment:

This game is a cancer on an otherwise superb franchise. Sakamoto comes off as a bitter old man who is pouting because Miyamoto and Retro made a better Metroid game than him, so he has proclaimed himself the godking of the franchise and says "Yeah, those Prime games...really didn't happen." FUCK YOU Sakamoto, Prime's fucking readable lore gave more backstory to the Metroid universe and the Chozo than ALL of this games atrocious, Samus character raping cutscenes. Thanks for fucking up Metroid... nintendoluigi

• • Second comment:

-Final Count(down)- "Baby" count - 42 Slowbeef getting pissed count - 35 Misogyny count - 55 General Adam's authorizations - 12 Diabetus going southern - 2 Dead to Rights - 2 BreadtheMan

• Horror! ... No, that's really the game's name. brings us a shocking revelation by The Shadow Cookie

Today I woke up, happily starting into the day. However, downstairs a mirriror was broken. And I realized the horrible truth... Somebody got murdered in my house. I never spoke to my parents again. I just sat in a corner, thinking about that they could get me too. I realized, that my futur was a dark one.

• The top comment from Throne High Part Nine

Alexander would later come to regret the hasty marriage as he realized he only became King over a half-dozen infertile islands with no sense of economy and around three dog-headed knights, a pot-bellied genie, and a clown to protect him from the annual viking pillagers. When petitioning his father Graham for help and soldiers, he merely retorted "Why don't you pull out your magic map?" and left him for dead, trollface.

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