Leonidas: What message do you bring? Persian Messenger: Earth and water. Mike: So...mud. Leonidas: You rode all the way from Persia for earth and water? Bill: Well, I lost some of the message along the way...
Bill: Well, I certainly think he proved that THIS! IS! SPARTA! Mike: His kids make fun of him because when he's handing out stuff on the Fourth of July he insists on saying, "THIS! IS! A SPARKLER!" Kevin: Or when he's giving his car a tune-up, and his kid asks, "Hey, dad? What's that small, white thing with metal at each end?" And he always replies, "THIS! IS! A SPARK PLUG!" Bill: Or...when he sits down to a meal of juice, toast, milk, and Trix cereal-- Mike: Uh-oh, where's he going with this? Bill: And he looks at his bowl of Trix and he says, "THIS! IS!'SPART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST!!!"
(seeing the Rain of Arrows) "Aw, relax; they're probably not even meant for us..."
When the 300 are preparing to leave:
General Guy: ...Sons to carry on their name. Bill: Though Johnson's son may not be the marrying type, if you know what I mean. Mike: He's considering moving to Athens, if you catch my drift.
Kevin: We think he may be a homosexual, if you can read between the lines.
After a shot of the massive Persian fleet:
Mike (as Delios): And so Xerxes and Jimmy Buffett assembled the largest boat-to-boat party in history.
"Kid, how'd you get so dirty?! You were outside for, like, five minutes!"
"Uh, I don't like this new 'extreme' image for The Giving Tree --it was fine the way it was."
"March Of The Penguins had less marching!!"
Leonidas meeting Xerxes for the first time:
Kevin: (as Xerxes puts his hands on Leonidas's shoulders) Mmmm...you're so tense... Xerxes: It's not the lash they fear... Mike: Oh, no...it's turning into one of these... (all three start imitating porno music)
And later in that scene:
Leonidas: You are as generous...as you are... Mike: Gay. Leonidas: ...divine... Bill: Oh, he is divine~
Leonidas: Such an offer, only a madman would refuse.
"Alright, men, ready your six-packs! And if you haven't done so already, oil up those pecs!"
(imitating Roger Rabbit) "Ahem. Attention, Spartans!"
During one of the many battle scenes:
Delios: We did what we were trained to do, what we were bred to do, what we were born to do. Bill: What we were cast, costumed, and choreographed to do. Mike: What we were blue-screened and digitized to do. Bill: What we were shaved to do.
Delios: (narrating) When muscle failed, they turned to their magic... Bill: To their Ku Klux Pimps!
"Alright, we're finally here. The movie has finally taken us quite literally to hell."
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been The Importance of Being Earnest.
When the evil senator essentially rapes Queen Gorgo:
Disembaudio: Hey, guys, I made you some snickerdoodles--Gooooood Lord! WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?!?! Bill: No-no, no, no-- Disembaudio: Is THIS the kind of filth you turn on when I leave the room?!?! FOR SHAME!!! Kevin: No, Disembaudio-- Disembaudio: No! Noooo! NOOOOOOOO!!!
Delios: (narrating) [Leonidas's] roar is loud and long... Mike: His teeth are bleached and capped...
After Leonidas throws his spear at Xerxes
Kevin: But Xerxes is usually glad to see a spear headed into him... (The spear clips his face, making him bleed, and sticking in the back of his throne) Bill: (as Xerxes covers his face) How tacky!
The Slo-mostrians are coming!
Leonidas: Spartans! What is your profession?! Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH! Mike: And I'm a flower arranger!
Kevin theorizes if the music had been done by Randy Newman instead:
"I've got a little alien in me,
It's as busy as a little bee.
It's gonna be my dinner guest
When it busts out of my chest,
Because I've got a little alien in me."
The scene where Jack tries to keep the doglike creatures away with a torch.
Mike: This how it is going to feel like for anyone who dresses as a sexy Na'Vi at Comic-Con this year. Kevin: Hey, now! Don't try to talk me out of it! Bill: Gungan! Kill it! Kevin: Meesa... senet... tar... Bill (whisper): Kill it more!
During the destruction of the Home Tree
Soldier: Yee-ha, baby! Get some! Bill: Did I just tell a tree to get some? Man, I need shore leave.
Jack: Look where we are, Grace.
Mike: In a nice, clean hospital with a crack surgical team? Oh, I guess this is good too.
Bill: Come my peaceful brethren, LET'S KILL THEM ALL!
After the final duel between Quaritch and Jake, Jake is back in his human body and struggling to grab a breath mask:
Mike: Yeah, it kept falling out so somebody stapled the emergency mask into the case...
Neytiri, after she meets Jake: You are like a baby! Always making noise, don't know what to do.
Bill: Poopin in da Huggies, eatin da strained peas!
The very last joke: "Morning wood!"
After the failed ritual to transfer Grace into her Avatar:
Moat: Her wounds were too great. It was not enough time. Kevin: Also our religion is bullshit.
The 'Informer's rendition was short but hilarious.
After Jake prays to the Great Mother for aid.
Neytiri: The Great Mother does not take sides.
Mike (as Neytiri): -she's an amoral psychopath.
Kevin: 6-legged, anteater horses. Mike: George Lucas slowly nods his silent approval.
Probably the most involved Kansas City Royals joke in Rifftrax history while Jake fights the six-legged dogs:
Kevin: A desperate man in blue, confused and frail, lacking necessary skill and training, called up to the big leagues before he was ready, swinging wildly at his more powerful opponent, a single disinterested spectator idly looking on from a distance... eerily reminiscent of a Kansas City Royals game. Bill: Wow. Mike: I believe you covered three entire city blocks before you got to that one. Kevin: I try.
Mike: So...these jets were all fueled, and tuned up, and ready to go after A THOUSAND YEARS?! Kevin: Yes, Mike. Mike: And a bunch of knuckle-dragging cave dwellers with spears took a break from picking nits off each other and eating them for a few days and taught themselves to become top-level fighter pilots? Bill: Yes, Mike. Mike: And that, somehow, these exact same weapons - well maintained and on alert, mind you - did NOT save the human race from the aliens one thousand years ago, when the humans who actually MADE these weapons were alive? You know, the humans that did NOT wear goat skins, and sacrifice goats, and smell like goats, and marry goats? Kevin: Yes, Mike. Mike: And is there any reason that I should not dedicate my LIFE to building a time machine, so that I can eventually travel back to the set of Saturday Night Fever and infuse the heels of [John] Travolta's disco shoes with nitro glycerin, so that he is eliminated from history and this movie NEVER GETS MADE?!?! Bill: Um...no, Mike. Go nuts. (Beat)...I think you just did.
Bill: Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh...he's in a better place now.
"You know, this movie seems kind of silly."
Their reaction to Terl's infamous scenery chewing.
Terl: While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME... (the guys start cracking up) Terl: I was being trained to CONQUER GALAXIES! Bill: Wow, you're really going to go with that performance huh?
This exchange:
Kevin: So, our story so far: Aliens from some death metal planet conquered the Earth then enslaved mankind for a thousand years. Bill: Right. Kevin: Then they sent Travolta, who's going to whiz the entire planet down his leg in a few short days. Bill: Right again. Kevin: And somehow this movie is supposed to make us feel good about Scientology? Mike: Yeah, I think in the same way Birth of a Nation endeared us all to the Klan.
Beowulf
The harp-playing scene in the mead hall, where the crew proceeds to interject "What If Thor Was One of Us" and "Shorty Got Low" into the song.
During the battle with Grendel:
Here, we can follow along in the Old English text: Den punched he, nakede Beowulf, in Grendel on de noggin. Den flipped him doen Gymkata dismounten causen Grendel his assen be roasted en his bippies in der pit smoken.
Wow, that is an extremely faithful telling.
Oh, you're bettin' your meatballs.
(upon Beowulf stabbing his way out of the eye of the Kraken/Loch Ness Monster/what have you and yelling his name as a war cry:)
Mike: Guys, If I ever burst out of the eye of a giant sea creature, I promise I'll have something better to yell than "MIIIIIIIIIIIKE!"
(during a massively long zoom-out from the camera):
Mike: We interrupt our movie briefly to give you a ride on a skilift.
Anything and everything pertaining to John Malkovich. Example:
And later, after Grendel has attacked, something rises from the water:
Kevin: GAH! A hideous sea creature! Mike: No no no no, it's just John Malkovich. Kevin and Bill:GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
In regards to Beowulf's burning pyre boat...thing:
Mike: To quote one Mr. Kevin Costner on a similar occasion, let's see if I can remember this correctly...(clears throat, says the following line without an ounce of emotion)My boat.
At the burial of some fellow soldiers:
Beowulf: They were great warriors. Kevin: No, they were Geat warriors. Wiglaf: They died a foul death. Beowulf: They were murdered by a foul creature from the depths of Hell. Bill: Right, CrispinGlover.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror
The guys start noticing a similar similarity between Birdemic and a certain other film.
Bill:(as Tommy Wiseau) Oh, hi, poorly made cult film directed by an immigrant with a funny accent that's trying to horn in on my business! Mike:(as Tommy Wiseau)Oh, hello darkness my old friend. Hahahaha!
Kevin: Help, it's a strangely localized forest fire! Bill: With small pinpoint blazes that are not spreading in the least! Help! Mike: And which are handily contained to tiny patches off the road itself making safe passage quite easy! Help! (later) Kevin: It's not a forest fire. It's a bunch of Buddhist monk chipmunks doing a simultaneous self-immolation to protest! Bill: To protest global warming? Kevin: No, this movie!
Rod: Watch football. Especially the 49ers. Also, part-times Eagles fan. Mike:(as Rod) Hang on. I said "part-times Eagles fan." Kevin:(as Nyugen)Keep rolling!
Then:
Rod: You're right, he is cute. So, you're a cats lover. Bill:(as Rod) Hold on. I said "cats lover". Kevin:(as Nyugen) Keep rolling!
In one particularly bad example of Nyugen refusing to ever do a second take:
Nathalie's Mom: Look, keep me... (stumbles badly on the dialog) uh, er, eh, you... know, keep me informed! Kevin:(as Mom) Look, I screwed up the line. Bill:(as Nyugen)Keep rolling!
Kevin:(as Mom) But it was really bad!
Bill:(as Nyugen)KEEP ROLLING!
One word: "Slrpnls." Nobody knows just what a slrpnl is.
Executive: "Is there a patent?" Rod: "Yes; Mass Solar owns the patent to this technology." Kevin: "And, what are you calling them again?" Mike: "Slrpnls." Kevin: "I'm...not...?" Mike: "Slrpnls!" Kevin: "Perhaps if you slowed down?" Mike: "Sldwnslrpnls?"
The Bourne Identity
After Jason has knocked out two policemen
Bill: Guess I'll have to arrest myself. All right, drop my weapon! I have a right to remain--hey, come back here, me! STOP ME!
"I hope there's a can on this floor. I've got more gas than the Homer Simpson balloon."
"Well, apparently I'm a Euro-dick who's too good to answer my own door!"
When Castel jumps out of the apartment window
Bill: AHA, I've ESCAPED! ...Oh, that was dumb!
"Eamon's starting to breathe on the windows and write dirty words."
"Dude, you shot my ween! That's just not cool!"
"I was LYING about my ween, for you see, I do not have one!"
Casino Royale
"Welcome back to the finals of Olympic Open Field Tag. Daniel Craig is currently 'It,' but may not be for long."
The random yet hilarious reaction to seeing Daniel Craig's face in the opening credits.
"Oh, I get it now. This guy is the missing Mario Brother." "Either that or he's the original Prince of Persia."
BOND SMASH!
ENGLISH GUY!
"The English Guy doesn't so much leap as he plummet."
"Spies have been reduced to stealing ringtones for Eastern Bloc countries. A clean Schnappi can bring as much as $3 on the black market."
After Bond steals a bad guy's backpack and starts rifling through it:
Kevin: (as Bond) Ha! Now I get his toaster strudel!
"Finally, he's got some time for Second Life--he can get back to being a foxy blue-skinned woman with green hair."
"I'm Rube Cardsuck, this is Patsy McMoneygone, and Mr. E. Z. Mark."
"So these are the people behind-the-scenes at the airport making sure your flight is delayed, your luggage is lost, and that the restaurants are always closed when you're hungry."
When the "World's Largest Airliner" is unveiled:
Mike: And of course, this is the day the President is scheduled to go up in the all-new space shuttle-- Kevin: With all the other leaders of the free world-- Mike: Of course. And 300 orphaned children from Kosovo-- Kevin: And Oprah Winfrey! Mike: Sure, throw in Oprah Winfrey!
Mike and Kevin's bantering impressions of air traffic controllers.
Kevin singing the James Bond theme and segueing into the Indiana Jones theme as Bond punches out an evil truck driver during the airport chase scene.
(As Bond looks at his tuxedo'd self in a mirror) "Yeah! My God, I'm hot! This tuxedo would look best on the floor! ...Seriously, though, I'd do me in a heartbeat."
Mike and Kevin's impressions of a guy who doesn't understand poker and a frustrated croupier, respectively:
Mike: "Hit me! Kevin: "Sir, you can't do that!" Mike: "Double down!" Kevin: "Sir, that's Blackjack!" Mike: "Bicycle!" Kevin: "Sir, now you're just reading the back of the cards!"
"Mr. Bond, I have a message for you from a Mr. Le Chiffre. It reads, 'Mr. Bond, your missing ten million dollars has been found, quote: "somewhere in my huge pile of money" and you can pick it up at "my butt." Burn, burn, ROFTLMAO, pwned, love, Le Chiffre.' You know, I really should look these things over before I read them over the intercom."
...This:
Vesper (whispering): You can have me anywhere. Mike (as Bond, rather gleefully): Really, like on a bakery counter? Or onstage at a political rally?
"It's been six minutes and we haven't done it--I wonder if he's impotent..."
"The people of Venice know about land, right? And how it makes an excellent foundation for buildings?"
In the beginning, when Ayra is magically transporting Saphira's egg.
Kevin: Melon? The egg vanishes in a burst of light Kevin: Magic melon!
The Riffers constantly pointing out how Eragon's family members are never introduced properly.
Roran: Hail Eragon, the mighty hunter! Mike: Hail sweaty guy who kinda looks like me.
Later
Kevin: So, why does he feel the need to keep this from his wrestling parter and Hat Guy. You know, the one with the hat? Mike: Well, clearly because that's a blue thing. It's blue.
Kevin: Ahh, right, of course.
Culminating in:
As Roran leaves the farm Mike: Goodbye, brother-cousin-friend-fellow-farmhand.
"Ah Jeremy Irons. The guy you call when you think, 'How can I make my movie a lot creepier?'"
The Riffers giving baby Saphira the voice of an alcoholic.
Mike: Come on, throw one more random image at us- we can take it!
Fast and Furious 2009
Right off the bat, the's reaction to the "Original Film" card
Mike: "Original Film", a division of "Bitterly Ironic Studio Names, Inc." Kevin: Yes, Original Film presents the third sequel in under a decade to a movie that ripped off its plot from Point Break!
During the opening scene, the mini-semi flips around and starts driving backwards.
Kevin: Oh, it's Cameron's dad's car from Ferris Bueller, they have to run the miles off before they return it.
After Dom catches a bullet in his back and barely even flinches
O'Connor gets the name "David Park" out of a low-ranking gang member. One of his fed buddies complains that he could throw a fortune cookie out the window and hit a dozen David Parks. When another agent informs him that "Park" is a Korean name rather than a Chinese one...
Kevin:(as agent) Fine, I'll throw a barbecued dog out the window, ya happy?
The running gag of Dom thinking 46 is the biggest number there is. One such instance late in the movie:
Dom: You can't buy your way out of this one. Mike:(as Dom) Unless you have 46 dollars.
Mark Wahlberg's character notices a soon revealed to be plastic plant...
Mike: (as plant) Put a piece of glass in your eyyyyye...C'mon. Why aren't you killing yourself? Oh, God, I'm terrible at this!
One of Rifftrax's many memorable song covers:
Kevin Murphy: (singing) The Summer Wind/Came blowing in/So I killed myself/It lingered there/So I took a hatpin from my hair/And plunged it into my jugular vein... Take it Mike! Mike Nelson: (singing) I sliced my wrists/with some broken glass/And then I blew my head off too/Then I disemboweled myself/And hung myself with my own intestines thanks to the Summer Wind. Bill Corbett: Very nice you guys, maybe a touch dark. Kevin Murphy: Really? Which part?
Troy's reaction after Gabrielle volunteers to audition, complete with wheezing.
Stick To The Status Quo
Kevin: The Disney Channel. High schooler's repressed secrets are "I like rap" instead of "Dissecting a fetal pig gave me a boner". Bill: The most kick-ass cello solo that doesn't involve the phrase "Yo-Yo Ma's drunk again."
Later, after the song.
Chad: Oh let's see, um you miss free period workout yesterday to audition for some heinous musical, and now suddenly people are confessing. Yeah Zeke, Zeke is baking. Crème brûlée. Troy: Oh. What's that? Zeke: Oh, it's a creamy custard-like filling with a caramelized surface, it's really satisfying. Troy: Yeah, cool. Chad: Shut up, Zeke! Bill: Zeke would blind him with his pastry torch the very next day.
During Chad's first appearance.
Chad to Troy: Because in two weeks we're going to the championships. With you leading us to infinity and beyond.
Bill: And Disney finally sues Disney.
"Help!" - A message from the film's editor. Poor bastard never had a chance.
"If Troy can tell his secret, then I can tell mine. I bake... every night, while watching Adult Swim"
When Tony is chatting up the journalist and looking very skeevy:
Mike: Glasses from the "I Own A Dirty Bookshop" collection. Bill: Beard and mustache from the "Guy Who Makes Lewd Comments About His Own Nieces" collection of beards and mustaches. Kevin: Slicked-back hair from the "Brother-In-Law Who Threw Up At Your Daughter's First Communion Party" line of slicked-back hair.
Kevin mistaking "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies for a Keanu Reeves monologue, and continuing the song in his own words when Tony turns off the radio.
"THERE'S BUGLES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!"
When Tony shows his weapons to the troops:
Tony: I PREFER the weapon you only HAVE to fire ONCE! Kevin: I SAY things with emphasis ON words THAT may not HAVE gotten them NORMALLY!
Mike:[as Katara] Just F.Y.I., that big flying panda thing of yours... he drowned. Bill:[as Aang sobbing] Mike: And your flying monkey cat. Bill: Yes? Mike: He lived. Bill:[sobs harder] Oh dammit! Dammit!
[A soldier walks up and whispers to Zhao, played by Aasif Mandvi]
Mike:[as soldier] Sir, I just checked. The whole Daily Show crew is making fun of you, even John Oliver.
Kevin:[as Mandvi] Wha- Oliver?! But he was in the freakin' Love Guru!
Zhao: Who are you? Why are you doing this? Bill: (As Zhao) I mean, I know you're a cosplay character from some lame Anime series, but I can't place you.
Mike: (As Zhao) I don't know where you got that from, my liege. Mostly they call him "The Masked Homo".
[Zuko in the Southern Water tribe]
Zuko: BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY! Mike: I NEED THEIR PREPERATION H FOR MY FACE OWIES!
Zuko: Don't even try to escape, THIS IS A WARSHIP!- [Aang flips over a table]
Bill (As Zuko): Ah, in hindsight maybe we should have tried something stronger than saying "Don't even try to escape" at least handcuffs! Something! Mike (As Iroh): Hey, don't beat yourself up, you said "Don't even try to escape". Who knew he would try to escape despite your saying that? It's not your fault. Bill:Hmm, thanks man, that really helps.
"Hello, plot? Motivation? Audience Interest?"
Zhao: With this information, we can bring down the water tribe city. (Ozai's actor looks toward the Camera) Bill (as Zhao): King? King,YO! I'm over here king!
Mike (as Nestor): "Guy that beat me and killed my mother, you're my best friend of all!"
Mike and Disembaudio arguing over the appropriateness of Mike using the word "ass" to describe the donkey narrator.
Paranormal Activity
The riffers making fun of, among other things about Micah, his name:
Micah: Show yourself! Mike: When guys named "Micah" try to act tough, we all lose.
Kevin: Parents, more evidence that naming your child "Micah" never ends well.
Mike: By the way, guys, just wanted to correct a little error I've let go for too long: my name is spelled M-I-K-E, but it's pronounced "Meek".
Bill: Yeah, don't trash-talk the phantoms when your name is "Micah"; it's not gonna work.
(Doorbell rings) Bill: Demon~! I'll just leave 'im on the porch, okay? (Katie answers the door) Bill:(growly, demonic voice) '"COME WITH ME TO HELL!!!"
(Pretending to read with the planchette on Ouija board): T-H-I-S-M-O-V-I-E-B-L-O-W-S
The riffers' reaction to the ridiculously small areas where Micah puts powder on the ground to pick up the demon's footprints:
"And, provided the thing can't jump or take an average sized stride, we WILL catch it!"
The talk the riffers have about a Hollywood adaptation of Goodnight Moon, in which they believe Shia Leboeuf is destined for the role as the bowl of mush.
Mike: So let me introduce you to someone who IS familiar with demons; his name is Michael Bay.
Micah: Hey, we haven't had anything interesting happen in a while!
Bill: Wow, he's doing our job for us. Mike: This might be our first self-riffing movie!
* singing* "I fell in to a burnin' Reign of Fire!/ McConaughey peeled off his shirt/ and the flames got higher!"
When a man and a boy explore a cave:
Man (to Boy): Why don't you go inside and have a wee look?" Kevin (as Man): That way, when I hear your muffled screams, I'll be able to estimate the size of the cave-in."
and Mike: Well, they drilled right into the side of the Batcave, killing Alfred and Robin instantly. Batman remains in intensive care.
(As a child) "YAY!!! I get to sleep in the same room with a depressed, hairy man!!!!"
"INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING!!!" "Yeah, well, INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING BACK AT YOU!!!!!"
This moment:
Kevin: That's right men--vigorously defend our smelly crap-hole! Mike (doing a damn good Winston Churchill impression): We will fight to the cistern. We will fight to the garbage-strewn towers. We will fight to the dank, rat-infested basement. We will NEVER SURRENDER!!!...Probably.
"Alright, just like we practiced men: panic and scatter. Panic and scatter!"
Any scene where they make fun of Matthew McConaughey (there are too many to list).
Roadhouse
The entire monologue about "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!". "Do you still keep in touch with them? Did you hang around and talk afterwards or was it purely sexual?"
Ear Worm: The mention of Loverboy gives Mike and an earworm of Working For the Weekend.
Epileptic Trees: Is the film secretly a sly dadaist joke? Does Mark possess the God-like power to hear the film's soundtrack? Will Johnny come back as a zombie in a sequel entitled The Tomb?
Melodrama: The Disembaudio sequences during the movie's sex scenes. This movie manages to destroy the lives of Disembaudio and all of his friends and family.
Though with the exception of Dis's Grandmother and G-Dimes, and we guess Walter, they were all pretty horrible people and kinda deserved it.
Disembaudio's rant about his addiction to horse tranquilizers and the fact that he's committed several murders recently will probably bring tears to your eyes.
Running Gag: They riff on the football motif, mention the mom's cancer everytime she is mentioned or shown, and have Johnny saying "Oh hi" to everything. There's more.
Sanity Slippage: After one bizarre and inexplicable piece of dialogue after another between Peter, Johnny, and Mark:
Bill: We have fully descended into madness, people, and it's not even at the one hour mark. Kevin: I can't take it anymore! Mike: Oh, you're just a little chicken, Kevin. CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP! Chicken Kevin.
See Crowning Music of Awesome above.
Take That: Kevin compares Tommy Wiseau's multiple production credits as producer, writer, director, and actor as a modern M. Night Shyamalan. Mike tells Kevin not to insult Tommy Wiseau with that comparison.
The riff about of Lisa and her friends discussing which one of them is Edward Cullen's wife
Kevin's horrified screams upon seeing the weird bug things in the "Thumbelina" segment.
Kevin then states he's certain that there's already Fanfic devoted to them. Bill pipes in, "Rule 34!"
Any time the riffers remind us that Santa is telling the Thumbelina story to the kids, and imitate what his narration for some of the strange/boring/painful parts must be like.
Bill:(as a kid) Wait, the lady on the loudspeaker is a ground-dwelling animal of some sort? What's going on here?! Kevin:(as Santa) Enough questions! Guy in the gorilla suit, shut that kid up, will ya?
During the painful sequence where Santa attempts to attach a sheep to his sleigh
Mike: Guys if you close your eyes during these scenes it takes on a whole new context. Give it a try! Santa: COME ON! OOHHHH! OH, HARDER! Kevin: (amid mutual groans of horror) Gah! your right! Santa: Well, now he is in the wrong way! Kevin:(now utterly horrified and disgusted) OH MY!! Santa: Let's get him out again... OHH, HARDER!! Bill: OH, YOUR A BAD MAN MIKE! I'm going to open my eyes now! Santa: HARDER!! HARDER, ohhhhhh... Kevin:GAH, IM STILL SEEING IT!
And the above is immediately preceded by this bit
Santa: (as he lumbers out of the sleigh to help attach the aforementioned sheep to his sleigh) let me see what we can do (gets out of the sleigh revealing a hideous brown stain on the backside of his santa costume) Bill: "DEAR GOD! you can start by getting your Santa pants dry cleaned"
Mike becoming increasingly fed up with Bill's Running Gag about Mr. Digger's Bronx accent. "Now let's go get some nice pastrami at the deli."
Their riffing on the "Santa"
Mike(as "santa" stands up to greet the ice cream bunny, directly blocking out the sun to the camera) BOW DOWN BEFORE ME PUNY HUMANS! COWER IN FEAR AS I BLOCK OUT YOUR SUN!!!
And as Santa seems to fall into unconsciousness after the kids leave
Mike He, hes Dead!? the sun Killed him! Kevin All Hail the SUN!
The group's reaction to the various nightmarish animals that appear
The Frog: What i need is a little girl! Kevin: GAH!! the Woody Allen of Frogs! The Frog: Thats what I need alright! I wonder where my mother is? Mike:(in a horrified murmer) man that is one messed up amphibian!
their reaction to the bug/wasp/cthulhu like things as they hop their way across the screen
Kevin(perfectly calm) Ah... well... Guys if you don't mind I've got this one Mike Ah great, ok then Kevin(inhales deeply) AAAAAARRRGHMYGOD!!! ARRRGRGRGGTHISISTERRIBLE!!! AAAIIRRGGH!!! PLEASEGODWHATISIT!!! AAAIIIRRGGHH!!!
and their reaction to Mrs Mole's "Mole Supremicism"
Mrs Mole: (on the subject of the aforementioned frog) Frogs are terrible looking. We moles think they are FILTHY creatures. Bill: Unlike God's chosen race, the MOLE!
"Well, that's it. I officially have no idea what we're looking at, why we're here, or even who I am anymore."
Kevin's Heroic BSOD after the entire Thumbelina story doesn't change a thing in the Santa story. "I'll pull the sleigh! I'll marry Mr. Digger! I'll do whatever you want!"
As the Ice Cream Bunny drives the kids in his vintage fire engine to save Santa, the guys are left speechless.
Mike:"Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150+ movies, Rifftrax has nothing to say." Bill: "Just this. Enjoy."
Their theories of what exactly they're seeing and why- ranging from a seriously bad drug trip to the studio exploding and them being in hell while Satan himself considers that forcing them to watch the film might be a little too harsh.
Their reaction to Thumbelina's criteria for an ideal husband
Thumbelina I just wish there was someone younger, or someone who was handsome, someone who was a human being like i am, (bill starts giggling) someone who will come and take me in his arms. I would be happy to be his wife Bill Human Being. A distant, third priority for her.
"We came through time, space, and the boundaries of fiction to see that?"
Sherlock Holmes
On the sergeant found dead at the end.
Clark: I'm afraid sewage workers found his body just this morning. MJ Elliott: Ah, so the body was in-turd.
Terminator: Salvation
As Marcus dies in the end of the prologue, the movie fades to white, and "Directed by McG" appears on the screen.
Kevin: If this is the last thing I see when I die, I will assume I'm going to hell.
Any jokes pertaining to Marcus and his having been in Avatar.
"Don't mention the lights in front of Mr. Bale! Oh, who gave him explosives?!"
"Hurry--get out of Christian Bale's light!"
(As John Connor is stranded on a crashed and sinking helicopter) "He's wondering how he can blame this on the lighting guy." "Oh, good for you, you broke my helicopter - and how was it?"
"(in a Batman-like voice) They know what you are, even if you don't!" "ROAR!"
When Marcus encounters Kyle Reese (looking much like a street urchin)
Marcus: What day is it?
Bill (as Reese with a Dickens street urchin voice) Why Christmas Day sir!!
Thor
The description brings up the 1985 Dork Age where Thor was turned into a frog and led a frog army, concluding with "This actually happened and you should look it up right now."
When Selvig says Thor's on steroids: "Just check his balls. They're tiny!"
Odin breaking his toe, twice.
Mike and Kevin's outrage that Bill would say anyone is as bad as the cast of Jersey Shore.
"Is there something in my mouth?"
After a tender scene in the RV, it cuts to a fire.
Bill: THEN SHE BURNED HIM ALIVE AND ATE HIS FLESH!!!! Kevin: Wow, what a shocking and audacious ending.
After Loki reveals his blue skin to Odin: "Okay, okay. I knocked up Violet Beauregarde."
The endless fun they have with the word Odinsleep.
Thor can't lift Mjolnir: "Must I now whack moles with my bare hands?"
Lampshade Hanging how expected the Actor Allusion jokes have become: "To avoid crucifixion by The Wire fans, we're obliged to point out that this guy played Stringer Bell."
As Mjolnir is thrown to Earth: "Oh, please be found by a mischievous monkey!"
"I only have one hand! Oh right, the eye patch."
When Loki is lying under Thor's hammer:
Mike: My horns are stuck.
This:
Thor: You can't kill an entire race! Loki: Why not? Mike: Ah, the rarely-used 'why not' defense of genocide.
As Thor enters the halls of Valhalla to triumphant fanfare:
Bill:(As Thor) That's right! GOT A COMIC BOOK DEAL BABY!
Disembaudio singing along with the Foo Fighters over the credits.
Titanic
Capt. Smith as the Titanic sets off.
Kevin: I'm going to sink this bitch!
Also counts as a CMOF for Mystery Science Theater 3000, as this line was also used when Mike and the 'Bots viewed clips of Titanic during an Oscar special.
as Rose, Ruth, and Cal admire the Titanic
Ruth: So this is the ship they say is unsinkable. Cal: It is unsinkable. God Himself could not sink this ship. [a deckhand calls for Cal] Deckhand: Sir! Sir! Bill [as Deckhand]: Sir, the captain has asked if you would please stop foreshadowing! [later] Jack: We're the luckiest sons of bitches in the world, you know that?! Bill: Aw, man,Cameron's beyond foreshadowing now. He is five-shadowing!
At the end when the camera pans from 1997 Rose past a series of pictures of her in her cabin meant to show her life after the Titanic accident they point out how narcissistic it makes her look and have her talking about her cropping other people out of her pictures and objecting even to the presence of a horse in one.
Whenever Rose's mother appears talking, they start humming a circus style music.
On the scenes that sets the people in the high-class area, and the people on the basements, the three start to chatter on "business" and "gambling", respectively, and in the same manner on both scenes.
Singing "Poker Face" to the tune of "Nearer My God to Thee."
After saying "I regret nothiiiing!" several times in regards to the people falling off the ship, this happens:
Kevin: I regret- OOOH!! Hitting the propeller! WOW that hurt!
As a passenger falls to his death on the capsizing Titanic:
Kevin:(singing) Just hanging out, hanging out, hanging out with my enemies, having ourselves a party!
There is also a Call Back to The Room. When the film goes into a softcore Cinemax's style porn scene, Kevin exclaims, "Tommy Wiseau has ripped control of the film!" Naturally, Disembaudio walks in at this moment, just as he did in The Room, and once again calls the trio perverts.
The Wicker Man
The infamous bike scene:
Edward: Get off the bike. Mike: (as Sister Rose) It's a girl's bike. Edward: Get off the bike! Kevin: (as Sister Rose) I said, it's a girl's bike. Edward: (pulls out his gun) Step away from the bike! Mike: (as Sister Rose) Fine, if you want to look like an idiot on a girl's bike.
Pretty much every time the ridiculously masculine Sister Beech is on screen, expect to crack up like a lunatic. She's obviously their favorite thing about the movie.
For instance, after Edward knocks her out with a single punch:
Kevin: Well, the 'never strike a woman' rule is still intact, it being Sister Beech and all
Late in the movie, when Mike mistakes her for Kevin James.
"When I think of getting jumped by Leelee Sobiesky, it's a little different."
When the news reports that two of the five tickets have been found:
Reporter: Whatever corner of the globe we're in, which ever of the five continents we're on... Neil: So they go nuts for Wonka Bars even in grim, socialist, dystopian societies? Disembaudio: Oh? Is this set in France? Mike: Disembaudio~ once again coming out of nowhere to spank the French!
"Mom saw a dull flicker of hope and snuffed it out right at the source. Way to go, mom."
Math class.
Mr. Turkentine: Today, we're going to learn...(draws a circle on the black board) Mike: ...how to play Hangman! Mr. Turkentine: ...about percentages. (talks for a while -- shot of the class groaning) Mike:(imitating children's voice)THIS IS HISTORY CLASS!
"Where have I seen that deluded look of hope before--oh, yeah! A craps table at 4:00 a.m.!
When Charlie and his grandfather pine over a Wonka bar that may or may not have the Golden Ticket inside:
Mike: Neil, I don't want to know what happens next, but just tell me this...are dreams crushed? Neil: Obliterated. Not an atom of hope or joy anywhere to be found.
Just before they enter:
Mike: Joe's pointing out all the people that couldn't vote the last time he was out of bed. Veruca Salt: I want to go in first, before anyone else! Mr. Salt: Anything you say, sweetheart. Neil Patrick Harris: I can't believe I forgot mah bloody flask.
In the very tiny room, just before the factory itself:
Mr. Salt: You're a bleedin' nut, Wonka! No one can get through there! Neil Patrick Harris: Sam-B would have to a~gree! (SLAP) Neil Patrick Harris: Ugh! Mike: Disembaudio! You just slapped Neil Patrick Harris! Disembaudio: Hey, I just did what we were both thinking. I keeps it real, Neil! Neil Patrick Harris: Ouch! Yes, I get it--very real.
When Willy Wonka sings for the first time:
Mike: Hey, I wore nearly that identical outfit to prom. (Beat) Neil Patrick Harris: ...wow. Mike: Now that I think about it, though, my tie wasn't nearly that subdued.
Veruca Salt: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry? Mike: (as Wonka turns Salt's head toward him) Look, Salt, I swear to god, I will cut you!
When Willy Wonka starts shouting during the Creepy Tunnel Scene from Hell:
Neil Patrick Harris: And if you're ready Mike, may I offer you a wide-awake nightmare? Mike: Why...yes! Neil Patrick Harris: I don't mind if you do! Neil Patrick Harris: This is for all the eight-year-olds who dropped blotter acid before going to see the film. Mike: Salvador Dali took one look at this scene and said, "Hey, man! This is too weird even for me!" Wonka (singing): There's no earthly way of knowing....which direction we are going.... Mike: You know what would be funny -- if you were an airline pilot and get on the intercom and do this exact thing. Neil Patrick Harris: This is what I imagine it's like to spend time with Tim Burton.
After drinking the special soda:
Mike: You think this is a metaphor? You know, for...getting high?
Neil Patrick Harris: ..."metaphor"? Heck, no! I think they were high when they filmed this! And when they wrote it, filmed it, screened it, ate lunch, slept, took showers. There was more THC passing through that movie set than through the whole Burning Man festival.
Mike: Did you ever do this on the set of How I Met Your Mother? Just dance around, singing a song of your contractual demands? Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah. Just the other day I knocked em' dead with a five minute show-tune about the kind of cold-cuts I demanded to have in my trailer. Standing-O, my friend. (as Veruca Salt trashes the room) Gosh, I didn't do this exactly; during my dance break, I ran around punching crew guys and lighting small fires.
"A stiff thumbs-up shows the kids today you're 'down' with the 'music' and the 'scene' and the 'Pogs'."
The confusion over which country the movie takes place in, including "Maybe it's set before the American Revolution" and "Hope he doesn't get mugged on the mean streets of Englameripoland."
During "Pure Imagination":
Wonka: If you want to view paradise... Neil Patrick Harris: (finishing the lyric) Simply watch another movie!
X-Men
During the opening scene:
Mike: Oh...Oh, do you really get to use the Holocaust in your silly little comic book movie? Bill: It doesn't seem fair, but I guess they're doin' it...
On Wolverine's facial hair:
Mike: You know, I don't think the Martin Van Buren mutton chops quite cut it anymore, now that it's not 1825 and all." Bill: I think he should try a beard with no mustache for a fresher, more 1863 look.
"Shouldn't he get back to the University of Michigan and start being their mascot?"
The pre-show cards. A few from Jack the Giant Killer included "Movie Mistakes" (Zookeeper starring Kevin James), "Real Life Giant Killers" (David - Goliath), "Only in the Movies" (Could a woman who is beautiful, intelligent, and fun have difficulty finding a relationship, because she is "kinda clumsy"), Movie Anagrams (Blil Plluman - Bill Paxton), and Movies that Netflix Puts on Instant Watch Instead of Riff Trax (Cool Dog).
The all-time best is one from Jack the Giant Killer, where they finally answer an open question from the previous year's show: yes, corn is actually grass.
The toy commercials from the Christmas show. Mike's "gift" was of a 60s toy robot with an Accidental Innuendo-filled commercial.
