Bill: This guy could instantly win a "Make Everyone Hate You" competition. Kevin: Lord, this is making me actually miss High School Musical. Mike: You know, because of him, I now hate time itself.
Narrator: Due to the untimely deaths of Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, Rifftrax has been canceled. We apologize for the inconvenience, and we blame the calendar.
Kevin combining "Angels We Have Heard on High" with "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga.
The running gag involving the tree constantly referring itself as being "small and of no account", to the point that Mike, Kevin, and Bill keep referencing it in the other Xmas shorts that they've riffed.
"I can't deposit money at the bank. Why? No account."
Coffeehouse Rendezvous
"I harmonize badly!", featuring some Hollywood Tone Deaf turns from the guys.
The obviously stoned students being interviewed at various points.
The ending segment with the church coffeehouse, ending with a bunch of kids filing out of the place while the narrators go on and on about how popular coffeehouses are.
Cooking Terms
Narrator:Cream the butter? Better get the cream! Bill:This narrator seems deeply invested in her failure. Narrator:That's right. Pour it in! The recipe says cream the butter so put in lots of cream! Kevin:That's right. Ruin the cake! Just like every woman I've ever known has RUINED MY LIFE!
Narrator: To cream butter merely means to work it with an instrument until it becomes soft and smooth.
Bill: Now is that clear or would you like to douse it in cream again, you empty-headed bint?!
During the jelly demonstration, the narrator mentions the "sheet from the spoon" test, which the guys hear as the "sheep from a spoon test".
Bill:(barely containing his laughter) You'll need an adult sheep!
Cops - Who Needs Them?
"Just don't sit on the DRUG-SNIFFING HAMSTER!" Wheeeeee!
Rifftrax's new favorite character, Frank!
"What Frank?"
Cork Crashes And Curiosities
The increasingly ridiculous Irish Accents used by the trio
As racing cars are unloaded from the docks after the narrator notes how only rich countries like Ireland can afford to host racing
This is an Australian short about safety when hunting/hiking/camping out in the bush. The guys however, interpret "the bush" as something...dirtier, and their reactions to anything that could be even remotely suggestive are the funniest parts of the short.
Kevin: (after the short shows several newspaper clippings about people who've died out in the bush) I'm taking a vow of celibacy!
Also, when the host of the short starts naming several important items to take when camping, the guys are anxious for him to mention a particular essential cutting implement. When he finally gets to it...
Host: (picking up a small Swiss Army knife) ...a knife... Mike: What...What?! That's a knife?! Make up your mind, Australia!
Bill: So inconsistent!
Down and Out
When there's an unfortunate close-up of the characters crotch, framed by a harness:
Mike: I don't wear a belt. Bill:(darkly) You're a dead man.
Finally, Bill lays out the consequence of not following safe procedure:
Bill: You'll be stuffed into a jumpsuit, given brown dress shoes and a bad haircut and be forced to stumble around like Roberto Benigni!
Drawing For Beginners - The Rectangle
The constant jokes about the extremely basic subject matter. "Wait, I haven't seen how paper works!"
When drawing a little boy looking out a window to see it's raining oddly-shaped raindrops: "It's raining nooses! The universe is telling Willy to stop being a wuss and go for it!"
Bill turning the opening song into a cereal commercial while a montage of drugs cascades down.
All the jokes about the extreme lack of attention either child seems to be paying to their conversation.
"They oughtta check their house for carbon monoxide!"
"Why don't you LISTEN, you bonehead!"
Thousands died that day, and around the globe, people asked the same questions: "WHAT? WHADDYA MEAN? WHAT'S THAT?"
Bill and Kevin trying to get out of watching the short, Mike forcing them to stay. It's reminiscent of the Hobgoblins episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Families: Earning and Spending
In a case of perfect timing, there's a Running Gag about tentacle hentai during the segments about a Japanese family. Kevin berates Bill for the joke... then cut to a display playing a commercial featuring an octopus in a microwave. Kevin officially gives up.
Families: Food and Eating
Running Gag about the Mexican family's haphazard eating schedule.
Candida(narration): We usually eat at my grandparents' house. My mother eats later, when my father comes home from work. Kevin: We're totally winging it schedule-wise until someone invents iCalendar.
Then:
Candida (narration): Grandmother will eat her dinner later, after everyone else has eaten. Mike: This is getting awfully haphazard. Bill: Grandpa starts eating before everyone, then stops halfway through, and only resumes later that night when we've all gone to bed.
Hiroyuki (narration): My father works late, so he doesn't eat dinner with us. Bill: He eats with the Mexican grandmother.
Family Teamwork
After the first kid learns he won't get the vacation he wanted.
Kid: " All I could think about was all of the fun I was going to miss out on. And then something funny happened: I stopped thinking about me and I started to think about how disappointed the whole family must be." Bill: "Their depression really picked me up!"
Flying Stewardess
"The captain thanks you for keeping the plane snake-free."
"Hi, Bob Executive. Which way is business?"
One joke made better by the live riff: the frequent jokes at the expense of Ft. Worth, Texas were followed by "Sorry, Ft. Worth" once they realized that people there were watching it live.
Good Eating Habits
Narrator: After school, Bill was hungry. He was hungry, and he had some money. Mike: So he ate his money.
At the end of the short, the film breaks, cutting off the narrator mid-sentence, leading to this gem:
Narrator: And that... Bill: AH! THE BOMB!
Grasses: At Your Fingertips
"IS CORN GRASS?" and "IS BAMBOO CORN?" The question is never actually answered.
At later live shows, you'll find humorous facts shown on the screen before the show. One of them confirms that corn is, in fact, grass.
The terrified reaction to the clay doll.
Mike:WHAT AM I?!?!
Kevin running around on stage in a grass headdress and bowing to the kids in the grass masks. Later, he tries to pawn the headdress off to the other riffers. It doesn't work.
The whole thing is so bizarre and hysterical that it is one of the best shorts they've ever riffed on.
Highway Mania
After Kevin continuously makes a horrifically annoying siren sound, Bill stops him with a Crowning Moment of Awesome line:
Kevin? Don't take this the wrong way, but I will murder you, and smile while I do it.
During the demonstration of kangaroo "boxing", it's obvious that someone is holding the kangaroo up off-camera. "Nobody's helping me!"
Kevin's desire to merchandize the kangaroo, including making bottle openers out of their scrotums, trying to recruit them for a basketball team which is immediately shot down and mentioning how delicious they are.
Narrator: But Mr Bungle didn't stop to wash his hands or comb his hair. He went right to lunch. Bill: Still, he was the cleanest person in the Taco Bell. Narrator: Then instead of waiting in line at the lunchroom, Mr Bungle pushed everyone aside and went right to the front. Mike: As the biggest, it was his right!
Later on:
Narrator: Phil washed his hands well, with lots of soap. (Phil squirts far more soap than he needs onto his hand) Bill: He decided to take some soap home for his entire ten-person family!
First off, the Witch is the new Mr. B Natural of the 21st Century. Everything she does and says is so over-the-top quirky, the comedy comes from her trying to be kooky but coming off as an idiotic, creepy ditz.
The jokes about the sale on breaded zucchini.
Any joke about the witch's dark plans, culminating in "Join me in the dark abyss of savings!"
(singing) Monkey see and monkey do Monkey eat and monkeyPOO!
More Dangerous Than Dynamite
The entire short is about the once common practice of washing clothes... in gasoline.
(As a housewife pours a pan of gasoline in her kitchen) "Wait they were serious about the whole washing clothes in gasoline?"
(As a housewife) "Oh no! Something somehow went wrong with my pan of gasoline!"
(As a safety inspector, inspecting a gasoline based dry cleaning business) "Sure you can wash clothing in gasoline here. You're wasting my time even asking!"
(As a worker escaped from a gasoline fire) "Why can't we just use soap and water!?"
An announcer discusses all the safety features commerical dry cleaners have, then cut to a woman washing clothes in her home.
Announcer But what chance does the housewife have without these safety features? Mike Well she could not wash her clothes in gasoline that would be a start.
Kevin has some nice stuff, apparently, in the live version.
Kevin: "[BOOM] My car! [BOOM] My Mountain! [BOOM] My bridge! [BOOM] My subdivision! [BOOM] Britney Spears' birthplace! No!"
Bill: "No!"
Mike: "Would you stop that?"
During the demonstration of how a dry cleaning company is prepared in case of a gasoline explosion, a joke is made pertaining on of the worker's resemblance to a certain celebrity.
In the live show, this leads to a couple jokes about a "post-explosion" Price when the Rifftrax Crew is promoting their live riffing of House on Haunted Hill.
"A bicycle safety film where apes evolve from men?!"
"We're headed over to Cornelius and Zira's for the game."
"To the Forbidden Zone!"
"It is/is not Ape Law!"
The shrieks of utter horror once the masks are revealed. Bill never really recovers from it (and it makes his jokes even funnier).
Overcoming Fear
Headline:Student Defends Bicycle Ordinance Kevin:...on slowest news day in history.
Barker: "I've, uh, noticed you out there..." Mike: "Things you don't want to hear in the locker room."
Paper & I
The entirety of the short shown at the House on Haunted Hill live riff. The guys turn a harmless short about paper production into a story of a young boy's descent into madness at the hand of his paper bag.
"We'll blot out the moon, Billy! We'll be GODS!"
What was funnier about it was how little they had to work to change it. "Did you ever think about what the world would be like without paper?"
"Daah, you have arms now! You're learning and adapting!"
"Then a trip through the gonad-jabber!"
Patriotism
The guys get a lot of mileage from the fact Bob Crane is involved with the short.
Bill: Man, Bob Crane had a funny sense of what contibuted to "an act of patriotism".
Later, when Crane's narration is silent:
Kevin:(nervously) Mr. Crane, you're awfully quiet right now. You're... not taping anything are you? Mike:(as Bob Crane, creepily) Just keep on doing what you're doing.
The short's definition of patriotism becomes vague and odd:
Bob Crane: Patriotism is being proud of being who you are and whatever you do. Kevin: So... if I like to make sculptures out of my own feces, I'm a patriot? Bill: Mm-hmm. Kevin: Cool!
Then:
Mike: Making ugly things even uglier is what patriotism is all about!
This reference, when Crane goes on about how everyone loves Arbor Day.
Mike: Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide, well, you know, Chewbacca is out.
Pearl of the Orient
"These people are Moros." "Hey! We're not the sharpest knives in the drawer, but there's no call for that!"
The really, really bad segue at the end from polishing a pearl to shots of war-torn Manila.
Reading: Who Needs It?
Coach: You can't read, right? Basketball Player: What are you talking about? Coach: You haven't been leveling with me. You can't read, right? Well, right? Basketball Player: Yeah, right. Bill: Wait, read or write? Pick one.
The following line resulted in such a huge laugh at the live riffing of the short that the Rifftrax crew ended up missing a few lines due to the audience still laughing:
Santa Claus (to Rudolph): I need you tonight. Kevin: WHOA!!!
Safety - Harm Hides at Home
The Running Gag about the main character's occupation of "freelance architect."
"Hey, I think I'll eat this RAGING OUT OF CONTROL FIRE MOM LEFT ME!"
A kid finding his dad's gun: "Perfect! I have a drive-by after school!"
"Oxygen: scourge of mankind!"
"This key could kill you."
Shake Hands with Danger
The final reprise of its theme song: "It's the 'Shake Hands with Danger' party mix!"
The narrator's awkward silence while Chuck Hamlin works on the excavator. Mike, Kevin and Bill use the opportunity to deliver some lame Chuck Norris facts for him. Later on, we see his dead body at various places throughout the film, and they note that the others are working while his corpse is still warm and (at the end) that he hasn't even been buried.
The neighborhood kids are trying to talk new girl Susan into digging a trench in a vacant lot with them:
Narrator: "You should see our trench!" Pete said, "It's long and wide and deep, too! We're having fun" Kevin: Pete's favorite TV show was the test pattern.
Later:
Narrator: After that, everyone played together and had a good time. Kevin: Until later that summer when they had to band together to destroy IT.
Story of a Teenage Drug Addict
Upon a close-up of the main character's old, unattractive mom:
Mike: GAH! Dad, why are you dressed like that?
The main character's unsuccessful attempt at boxing:
Drug Addict: The other guy made hamburger out of me. Bill: Then I got kidnapped by some guy who kept saying, "Robble-robble!"
Three Magic Words
Bill makes a joke that the opening music, when sung backwards, is the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Cut to the butcher's shop, where the butchers are wearing wide hats. Mike's response: "Wait a minute, those are rabbis!"
"Our hollow-eyed dopplegangers will fill you in in the rest."
The Running Gag involving Vaughn Monroe's elderly looking wife.
As Smokey the Bear comes out of a billboard: "Pedobear: the Motion Picture"
What It Means to Be An American
The frequent attempts to end the short and the guys' exasperation when it just keeps on going. It's made doubly funny by being one of the longer shorts and thus sold in two parts, making it a Running Gag.
You and Your Family
In the transition between scenes:
Narrator: "Now are you ready for the next family scene?" Mike: "No, I'd like a break..."(narrator continues on) "Hey! Why even ask?"
