Sherlock Holmes (film)/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Sherlock Holmes (2009)

  • "Madam, I need you to stay calm, and trust me, I am a professional. Underneath this pillow lies the key to my release." Said while handcuffed to a bedpost, entirely naked, and the pillow is the only thing covering his privates.
  • Irene is in her hotel room when she hears a noise at the door. She rolls her eyes and opens it to reveal Holmes failing for the second time to pick a lock.
    • The first time Holmes fails to pick a lock, courtesy of Watson's foot.
  • Holmes having wine splashed into his face as he incorrectly analyzes Mary's last relationship and remaining completely motionless in blank shock for about a minute afterward. And then nonchalantly resuming his meal when Mary and Watson depart.
    • Gets funnier via Fridge Logic...there's only one meal served, indicating that Holmes expected that the encounter would end with him pissing off Watson and/or Mary, causing them to walk out.
  • "Is that a--" "False nose? No."
    • Following up on the false nose bit, the part shortly after, when he jumps out of the window and a crash is heard off-camera. He then shouts for Watson and Watson looks out of the window to see that Holmes has fallen through the roof of a shed. Watson proceeds to roll his eyes, shut the window, and walk away.
  • Holmes compliments a hereto silent Watson on his value as a companion, and is then sucker-punched by Watson.
  • "Why are you always so suspicious?" "Shall I answer chronologically, or alphabetically?"
  • "That's not Blackwood!" Holmes' expression is priceless.
    • "Now we have a firm grasp...of the obvious."
  • The woman who tells Watson's future. "What of the warts? Are they extensive?!"
    • Lace doilies giving up the game.

Holmes: Doilies.
Watson: Lace -- doilies? Holmes, does your depravity know no bounds?
Holmes: No.

  • If you know much about the fandom, particularly the shipping: Watson to Holmes: "You look gorgeous..."
  • "Take Watson." "I intend to." Followed by Holmes' scoffing.
  • "I'm in the process of inventing a device that muffles the sound of a gunshot!" "It's not working."
    • From that same scene, Watson opening the curtains and letting sunlight in, and Holmes yelling out in pain.
  • The hammer scene. Holmes is running from Dredger the Frenchman, who has armed himself with a massive sledgehammer. Holmes fumbles around for a weapon, and produces an ordinary hammer. Both take a moment to compare their armaments, followed by Holmes pathetically chucking his at Dredger. It just bounces off.
  • Holmes, after proving he knows exactly where he is and who he's speaking to despite having been blindfolded until about thirty seconds earlier:

As for mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered to blindfold me at all.

  • When Irene makes a surprise visit to Holmes' room, he tries to be sneaky as her back is turned about slamming a picture of her on his desk face-down. What he intended to be subtle winds up being hilariously awkward.
    • Made even funnier by the scene where she leaves and he scurries off to find where she's going but first slams the photo down again.
  • "Wear a jacket." "You wear a jacket!"
  • Right after Holmes owns his opponent in the Curb Stomp Battle boxing match, the Stunned Silence is broken only when one man indignantly shouts: "Where did that come from?!"
  • Watson letting out the flies Holmes had spent 6 hours trapping inside a glass tube.
  • Holmes' discussion with Watson about and subsequent exchange with Mrs. Hudson:

Holmes: There is only one case which intrigues me at present...the curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying her comings and goings, and they appear most...sinister...
Mrs. Hudson: [long-suffering] Tea, Mr. Holmes?
Holmes: Is it poisoned? Nanny?!
Mrs. Hudson: There's enough of that in you already.
Holmes: Don't touch! Everything is in its proper place, as per usual... Nnnnnanny...

    • From the same scene: "He's killed the dog...again."
    • Also from the same scene:

Watson: Holmes, as your doctor...
Holmes: [Gladstone]'ll be fit as a trivet in no time.
Watson: AS YOUR FRIEND! You've been in this room for two weeks; I insist, you have to get out!
Holmes: There's nothing of interest for me. Out there. On Earth. ...At all.
Watson: So you're free this evening?
Holmes: Absolutely.
Watson: Dinner?
Holmes: Wonderful.
Watson: The Royale?
Holmes: My favorite.
Watson: Mary's coming.
Holmes: (pause) Not available.
Watson: You're meeting her, Holmes!

Watson: Holmes, what is that?
Holmes: (in French) I don't know.

  • At Blackwood's tomb, Holmes is informed that the police are in the process of exhuming Blackwood's coffin. Said police constables are currently standing back as far from the tomb as they can, each one looking very, very nervous.

Holmes: I see. At what stage of the process? Contemplative?

Watson: When do I complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess? Your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?!
Holmes: Urm, we have a barter system...
Watson: When do I complain about you setting fire to my rooms?
Holmes: Our rooms.
Watson: The rooms. When do I complain that you experiment on-on my dog?
Holmes: Our dog.
Watson: *stammering with rage* The dog!

    • The same scene, later, when Holmes suggests that they go away to his brother Mycroft's estate...making it clear that he means he and Watson.

Watson: Holmes, if I were to go to the country it would be with my future wife!
Holmes: [jealously] Well certainly, if we must have her along...
Watson: No! Not you! Mary and I! You are not --
Holmes: Not what? Invited? Why would I not be invited to my own brother's country home? Watson, now you're not making any sense!
Watson: You're not human!

Watson: Get that out of my face.
Holmes: It's not in your face; it's in my hand.
Watson: Get what's in your hand out of my face.

      • There's a Call Back to this scene in the trailer for the second movie.
    • And right before the above, this from Watson:

Not that it's any of my business, but I would advise you to leave. The case. Alone.

  • When Lord Coward is trying to find Holmes in the smoke, talking about Blackwood's plans, and it turns out that Holmes has been sitting in a chair behind him, casually smoking his pipe.
  • At the end, when Watson and Mary climb up the stairs and into Holmes' room to discover him hanging from the ceiling from a noose. Mary has the decency to look shocked, but Watson simply drones "Don't worry, suicide's not in his repertoire, he's far too fond of himself for that," then proceeds to poke him, whereupon it is revealed that Holmes got comfy enough in his harness to fall asleep.
  • A subtle, but still hilarious moment. When Watson asks Holmes if he knows where his rugby ball is, Holmes replies 'no, not a clue' in a tone of voice that indicates he knows exactly where it is and won't be telling, and indeed may have even hidden it himself.
  • Holmes and Watson are investigating Luke Reardon's house when two Mooks come in, about to set fire to the place. Holmes correctly deduces what the Mooks are there to do. One of the Mooks calls for Dredger. Cue heavy footsteps approaching. Then we cut to a shot of Holmes and Watson watching as Dredger enters the room. Seeing Dredger, Holmes' expression stays pretty much the same; Watson, on the other hand...
    • Also, this line:

Holmes: (points to Dredger) Meat... (points to the two other Mooks) ...or potatoes?

    • And the fight that follows, accompanied by the music that plays.
  • Holmes and Irene are about to disarm Blackwood's device when, behind them, Watson is thrown across the way. Then enters Dredger, who spots Holmes and Irene. Irene fires two shots at Dredger, the last one hitting Dredger's hat before she runs out of ammo. Dredger approaches, removes his hat and calmly asks (in French) "Did you...miss me?", taking a moment to study his hat between that last line. Holmes then matter-of-factly tells Irene, "I rather wish you hadn't done that, Irene."
    • Following that, Watson grabs Dredger from behind and shouts at Holmes to "Nut him!" Holmes proceeds to run up to Dredger, jump up into the air and head-butt Dredger. Holmes then stumbles backward; the look on his face was priceless.
    • And then Holmes tries throwing a punch at Dredger, only to miss, slip and fall on his back.
  • When Clarkie comes by to get Holmes, Holmes asks, "What's Lestrade done now? Lose his way to Scotland Yard?"
    • Following on that, after Holmes is informed of Blackwood's apparent resurrection, this exchange:

Watson: You're not taking this seriously, are you, Holmes?!
Holmes: Yes! As you should. (Watson stares and scoffs) This is a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell whether a man is dead or not!

  • When Dredger finally takes away Holmes's newest toy:

Dredger: (in French) Run, little rabbit, run.
Holmes: (in French) With pleasure. *takes off*

  • The scene in the slaughterhouse, where Holmes tells Watson to save his ammunition, then flips out and empties his gun in the direction of Blackwood's voice about two seconds later.

Watson: (with a "you have got to be kidding me" expression) What was that about saving bullets?

  • During the fight scene near the end, when Holmes has a bit of trouble fighting a Mook, he shouts at Irene: "WOMAN! SHOOT HIM! NOW, PLEASE!"
    • Oh, and he calls Irene "WOMAN!" again after she makes off with a piece of Blackwood's device.
  • Holmes: *to Blackwood* My, what a busy afterlife you're having.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011)

  • When Watson returns to Baker Street and opens the door to Holmes' room, he finds himself in the middle of a freaking jungle. Complete with wildlife.

Watson: Your hedge needs trimming.

    • Then, he doesn't even bother trying to find Holmes and just sits to casually read the paper and does his best to ignore the fact that Holmes is continually shooting him with blowdarts.
    • And when Holmes reveals where he is and what he's wearing.
      • "I'm not going out with you dressed like that."
  • Holmes kills the dog. Again. Don't worry, he gets better.
    • "How many times are you going to kill my dog?!"
  • Sherlock Holmes in drag. That is all. In fact, the entire train sequence where he bickers and wrestles with Watson, either in drag or half naked.
    • "LIE DOWN WITH ME, WATSON."
  • The Oh Crap moment when a Mook accidentally drops an armed grenade into a bag full of grenades.
  • After Watson rescues Holmes from Moriarty with the aid of a very large cannon, he's looking through the resulting rubble for Holmes:

Holmes: Take your time.

    • And a little while later:

Watson: Holmes, how did you know I'd find you?
Holmes: You didn't find me, you collapsed a building on me.

    • And just prior to all this, Moran's reaction when Watson first uses the cannon.

Moran: That's not fair.

  • After Watson revives Holmes with the serum Holmes gave him as a wedding present, Holmes is a bit, well, frantic:

Holmes: Who's been doctoring me?
Watson: I have.
Holmes: Why is my ankle itchy?
Watson: Because there's a large piece of wood stuck in it.

  • The little "Be careful what you fish for" cartoon that Holmes gives to Moriarty, as well as the shit eating grin Moriarty wears as he visibly struggles to refrain from just throttling Holmes.
  • The very last scene in A Game of Shadows is a twofold moment of hilarity; one, for Holmes' excellent reveal of himself, and two, the audience reaction to seeing him in camouflage is priceless. This troper has seen this film twice and both times, the audience has reacted with absolute ecstasy.
  • Mycroft + nudity + Mary = Crowning Moment of Funny.
  • Mycroft introducing himself to Mary as "the other Holmes" after she had just been pushed off a moving train into a river by Sherlock. She reacts with horror that "there's two of you?!"
  • "DID YOU JUST KILL MY WIFE?! DID YOU JUST KILL MY NEW WIFE????!?!!!!!?"
    • The best part of that is the implication that Holmes has killed his old wife.
  • "YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DANCE!"
    • The dancing, while Holmes downs a bottle of hooch.
  • Holmes asks Watson to dance with him at the ball. Watson doesn't even blink an eye at this and immediatly takes his hand. It's so they can spy on the other guests, but still.

Watson: I thought you'd never ask.

  • The awesome moment after Watson's winnings at the party get knocked to the ground and every person in the vicinity eyes them before diving madly to grab what they can.
  • Two words: Hungover Watson.
    • Especially the look on his face at the first bagpipe notes...
    • And his little tug of war with Holmes trying to take his coat-blanket.
  • Holmes commandeers a pony while everyone else has full-grown horses, and still manages to get ahead of everyone else by the end of the trip.
    • Actually, ponies are more well-suited to traversing rugged, mountainous terrain (like the kind they are going through) than horses, due partially to their lower center of gravity.
    • Of course, it still went much slower. The real reason Holmes ended up ahead? He couldn't get the pony to stop.
    • "They're dangerous at both ends and crafty in the middle."
    • The horses slowing down, and one stumbling on a small cliff, then Holmes hailing them from atop the cliff where his pony has not slowed down.
    • And the entire sequence is scored by Ennio Morricone's typically epic theme from Two Mules for Sister Sara. Somehow, this just makes it funnier.
    • After Holmes is revived by the adrenaline shot, the very first thing he reveals is that he had a nightmare about the pony.
  • Holmes fighting a man and describing it as a recipe for an omelette. Best moment goes to "crack eggs" (followed by a swift kick to the junk.)
    • It was at that point that this Troper's theater burst into laughter.
      • That entire sequence was very clever, especially "Flip the omelette" (judo throw) and "Additional seasoning is required" (a final blow to cossack's head as he tries to get up again). Breakfast is served.
      • And then Sim subverts the whole thing by throwing knives at the Cossack.
  • On the way to catch a train, Moriarty asks if he has time to "indulge his habit." The minds of people familiar with the stories immediately jump to Holmes' well-known vice, cocaine. Moriarty's turns out to be... feeding pigeons.
  • Moriarty's lecture tour is also one of these if you've read the stories. In The Valley of Fear, Holmes notes that Dynamics of An Asteroid "ascends to such rarefied heights of pure mathematics that it is said there is no man in the scientific press capable of criticizing it." So those crowds of people lining up to tell Moriarty how good his book was and get his autograph? They don't understand a word of it. They're just trying to look smart!
    • And Moriarty is presumably aware of this, since when Holmes requests his autograph he wryly asks "Have you actually read the book?"
  • Moriarity's extended metaphor involving Schubert's The Trout is absolutely hilarious if you know the fourth stanza, which turns the entire scene from a cat-and-mouse-game torture metaphor into a Masochism Tango Yandere flirting metaphor.
  • The moment Moriarty realises that Holmes managed to swap his notebook, full of clues related to his criminal empire, and replaced it with other notebook in which Holmes draws a shark eating a fisherman. When I saw the "Be careful what you FISH for" comment, I nearly broke down laughing.
  • The conclusion to Holmes and Moriarty's inevitable final conflict is improbably funny. Holmes grabs Moriarty, Watson walks in and the three of them freeze for a split second -- then Holmes and Moriarty tip neatly over the balcony into the Falls. It's a macabre version of Holmes' trademark pratfall/escapes.
  • "Oh and by the way, Fire...FIRE!"
  • Holmes' note to Watson to get him to save him:
    • "If convenient, come at once. If inconvenient, come all the same"
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