SpongeBob SquarePants/Funny

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Squidward: Patrick, what are you doing here?!
Patrick: Uhh...I don't know. (smiles wanly) I'm funny.

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Practically, the reason why SpongeBob SquarePants is intensely popular is because of the show's humor, specifically in Seasons 2-3. And we can't blame them, because these moments are too hilarious for its own good.


Season One

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SpongeBob: Squidward is my best friend in the world... (LOUDLY scrapes bow across bassinet strings)

SpongeBob: Squidward is my best friend in the sea... (launches bow into a panicked-looking Squidward portrait)

SpongeBob: (Strumming bassinet strings like guitar) Squidward-

Patrick: (pops in through window) Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob... (SpongeBob slams window in Patrick's face)

SpongeBob: (Strumming violently before slamming bassinet into floor) And Patrick is a dirty, stinking, rotten, friend STEALER! (Smashes bassinet) Uh, I can fix that.

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Squidward: That's just a stupid boulder!
SpongeBob: It's not just a boulder! It's a rock! [sobbing tears of joy] A roock! A roock! A rooock!
[Squidward looks on with disgust]
SpongeBob: [climbing on top of the boulder] It's a big, beautiful, old rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles! And it's in great shape.
Squidward: SpongeBob! Will you forget the stupid pioneers? Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive-- [SpongeBob drives the rock over him, squashing him flat into the ground]...rocks? Hold on there, Jethro!

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  • "Hooray, Gary! We're finally huge!"
    • OH NO!
  • From "Pickles". Apparently, Squidward's not the best SpongeBob replacement...
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Male Fish: Hey... He burnt my Krabby Patty!
Female Fish: He burnt my fries!
Male Fish 2: [slurping] He burnt my shake!

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SpongeBob and Patrick: Happy Opposite Day, Squidward. We hate you.
[Squidward seethes with rage, then becomes calm]
Squidward: Let me show you guys how much I... HATE YOU.
[Squidward chases after SpongeBob and Patrick in a tractor]
SpongeBob: [running away] Patrick, do you get the feeling that Squidward likes us too much?
Squidward: HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY. [laughs diabolically]

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  • Sing it with me now, F is for friends who do stuff together...
    • F is for fire, that burns down the whole town! U is for uranium...BOMBS! N is for no survivors, when you- [SpongeBob cuts him off]
  • In "Musclebob Buffpants":
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TV advertiser: I was a wimp before Anchor Arms! Now I'm a jerk, and everybody loves me! So order now, wimp!

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  • "Employee of The Month" has SpongeBob and Squidward trying their best to outdo each other, and impress Mr. Krabs. Of course, since they've had no sleep beforehand...
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SpongeBob: (mopping the floors) Look, Mr. Krabs! Clean floors!
Squidward: (wiping a table) Clean tables, Mr. Krabs! (frantically wipes the table so hard and fast, that he breaks it in half)

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    • The increasingly ridiculous traps each one sets to prevent the other from getting to work - starting with SpongeBob digging a pit in front of Squidward's house and Squidward boarding up SpongeBob's front door and building up to Squidward somehow getting trussed up like a roast turkey and SpongeBob being built into a brick wall.
      • Ending with SpongeBob tied to an anchor and Squidward to a pirate ship (the stern of which is on fire), and both of them still clawing themselves forward!
  • SpongeBob's Flying Dutchman costume and Patrick's Groucho Marx glasses.
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SpongeBob: OOO, I'm the Flying Dutchman!
Patrick: OOO, I don't know who I am!

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Sandy: I love karate!

SpongeBob: I love kara-tay!

Mr. Krabs: I love money-AY!

Squidward: I hate all of you.

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  • In "Suds", SpongeBob's "Sponge Treatment", where a real life sponge is used to wash a plate, a car, a foot, and somebody's back. Even funnier was Patrick's "Special Treatment" where a real life starfish is scrubbed on a cactus and in a toilet!
    • He just wanted the lollipop.
    • He also impersonated a doctor and tried to keep his friend from going to a real doctor.
      • DON'T TOUCH ME, I'M STERILE
    • "This doesn't seem right!"
    • While trying to hide Spongebob from Sandy:
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Sandy: Alright, Patrick, where's Spongebob?
Patrick: Um... he's not here at the moment, please leave a message after the beep. *Makes beep noise*
Sandy: Alright, since when do you have two houses?
Patrick: *Crosses arms* Since I ran out of room to put my stuff.
Sandy: Uh huh. Yeah. Since when does your house have two legs?
Patrick: This is my mobile home.

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  • From the episode "Arrgh!":
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Mr. Krabs: From now on, only the captain is allowed to say 'arr'.

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  • In "Texas", Patrick and SpongeBob goofing on Texas, so Sandy will chase them back to the surprise party they've planned for her.
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SpongeBob: [shaped as Texas] Hey Patrick, what am I now?
Patrick: Uh, stupid?
SpongeBob: No, I'm Texas!
Patrick: What's the difference? [they both laugh as Sandy's eyes turn blood red].

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SpongeBob: That's brilliant! Patrick, your genius is showing.
Patrick: (reaches hands down to cover crotch) WHERE!?

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  • From "Neptune's Spatula", we have SpongeBob putting ketchup and mustard smiles on pickles on a Krabby Patty then tucking them in for a nap with a cheese "blanket".
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SpongeBob: (kisses them then takes out a book) Once upon a time...

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    • The visual gag of Neptune, having zapped Patrick with his trident, reviving him but putting his face on his trunks (where it remains for the rest of the episode):
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Patrick: (coaching SpongeBob before the fry-off) Everyone always used to say to me, "Patrick, you'll never amount to anything. You'll always have your head in the clouds." But just look at me now!

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    • This visual gag:
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  • From "Pickles":
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Squidward: (a Fish walks up to order) Let me guess, Tiny, a small salad?
Bubble Bass: I’ll take a Double Triple Barfy Deluxe on a raft, 4x4, animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim. (Squidward gives up writing all of that down)
Squidward: (annoyed) ...We serve food here, sir.

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    • Someone actually deciphered this.
    • Also, SpongeBob and Bubble Bass facing off at the end of that episode, Far West style.
    • SpongeBob's mind obviously breaking after forgetting the pickles and everything that happens afterwards at his house.
  • From "Nature Pants", Patrick and Sandy acting out a conversation to get SpongeBob to come back after he decides to live out in the wild.
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Patrick: Why... thank you Sandy... I would love one. Take patty. Too bad SpongeBob isn't here... These are his favorites... I sure wish he'd come home. Take bite.

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    • SpongeBob's friends express scepticism at his plans to live in the wild.
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Sandy: I'll give him a week.
Squidward: I'll give him eleven minutes.

Patrick: PATRICK SAD!

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Season Two

  • From "Christmas Who?", Sandy telling SpongeBob about Christmas through bizarre body movements.
    • Patrick's way of writing a letter, which makes him rip it every time.
      • In a Brick Joke, he wishes for another piece of paper.
    • The musical number "The Very First Christmas to Me", especially with Mr. Krabs singing in falsetto at the end.
  • In "Dying for Pie", Squidward was waiting for SpongeBob to die from the pie bomb.
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Squidward: WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!
SpongeBob: Well, since we finished everything the list, I thought I’d make up a new one. (holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever") I already filled up this book of ideas. We should be able to finish by January.
Squidward: (slaps book away) FORGET THE BOOK! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because you were supposed to explode!
SpongeBob: You want me to explode?
Squidward: Yes, that's what I've been waiting for.
SpongeBob: Um, okay, I’ll try. (yells) GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT! (laughs) Now it’s your turn.
Squidward: (yells) THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!
SpongeBob: Ooh, good one.
Squidward: No!

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    • And then when SpongeBob actually reveals he had saved the pie the entire episode...
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SpongeBob: I saved it for us to share! Let's eat! [trips over rock] Whooops!
[The pie flies in Squidward's face in slo-mo. Cue live-action atomic explosion wiping out Bikini Bottom.]
Squidward: Ouch.

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    • Squidward takes SpongeBob out for his "final day on Earth".
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SpongeBob: Bye, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (Sobs while putting up a "Help Wanted" sign)
SpongeBob: Heads up Squidward: Looks like they're gonna replace ya.

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    • Early on, as Squidward complains that he has to be nice to "That guy!", it cuts to SpongeBob using a buffer on a table. It stops working, then he uses it on his face, looking like a SpongeBob Picasso.
    • Mr. Krabs also has a great line early in the episode.
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'Mr. Krabs: Ye had to kill 'im. The boy cries ya a sweater of tears, and ya kill 'im.

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      • Don't forget:
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Mr. Krabs: Note to self: watch out for Squidward.

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    • Spongebob introduces Squidward to everyone in town.
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Spongebob: Hi kids, meet my friend Squidward.
[Kid throws a rock at Squidward.]

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  • This piece of dialogue from "Grandma's Kisses" provides a dose of Parental Bonuses.
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Patrick: Now puff out your chest and say 'tax exemption'.
SpongeBob: Tax exemption.
Patrick: Now you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz.
(jazz music plays, with SpongeBob and Patrick having serious expressions on their faces while listening)
Patrick: Okay, SpongeBob, you're ready!

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    • Not to mention those sideburns.
  • To sum it up, the entire "Survival Of The Idiots" episode. But especially these parts.
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SpongeBob: Alright Pinhead, your time is up.
Patrick (with a retarded face): Who ya callin' Pinhead? I want to be Dirty Dan.

SpongeBob: What makes you think you could be Dirty Dan?

Patrick: (proudly) I'm dirty.

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    • Also, this piece of dialogue:
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Patrick: I'm so cold, I'm shivering!
SpongeBob: I'm so cold, I can use my nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks!
Patrick: I'm so cold...I'm shivering!

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      • And this piece of dialogue as well:
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Patrick: Did you win? (gets hit in the head with a wooden board that SpongeBob had aimed for crazy Sandy)

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      • Especially this one:
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Patrick: Screaming will get you no-
Sandy: (grabs Patrick's head and rips it off, looking really ticked off, as she breathes hard) WHICH ONE OF YOU FELLERS IS THE REAL DIRTY DAN?!
Patrick: Uh, I am? (Sandy smacks him, sending him flying across the tree dome, screaming)
SpongeBob: Patrick!
Patrick: (slams against the dome and little drumsticks float around his head) Hot wings.
Sandy: (to SpongeBob) Okay, Pinhead Larry! Now you get yours! (SpongeBob screams and runs off, barely avoiding Sandy pounding the ground) PIIIIIIIINHEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAADDDDDD!

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  • "Shanghaied" is one of the funniest episodes in the history of the show. The most memorable parts are the Fly of Despair and the Perfume Department. These parts too:
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(A giant anchor comes crashing through SpongeBob's house)
SpongeBob: Holy shrimp! (runs out to Squidward) Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! (Squidward pokes his head through his window) Squidward! The sky had a baby!
Squidward: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! (Patrick comes over)
Patrick: SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!
SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?

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    • While SpongeBob is trying to find out the name of the person who owns the ghost ship:
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SpongeBob: Doesn't this place seem familiar?
Patrick: I don't know. Why?
SpongeBob: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring a bell? (Squidward rings the doorbell)
Patrick: Yes!
SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat but I just can't place the name. (SpongeBob walks by a barrel that says "Property of the Flying Dutchman")
Flying Dutchman: AAAAA-OOOO-RAAR-OOO-RAR!!
SpongeBob: No, no, it's not "DAAAAA-OOOO-RAAR-OOO-RAR!!"
Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman!
SpongeBob: That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!

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    • The howling part:
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Flying Dutchman: What a night be this! Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! (howls like a wolf)
SpongeBob: (bleets) Ahh!
Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!
Flying Dutchman: (howls like a wolf)
SpongeBob: (bleets) Ahh!
Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee! (Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off) OOOOOoooooOOOOOooooo! (Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off) OOOOOoooooOOOOOooooo! (Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off) OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!
(Very long and awkward silence)
Flying Dutchman: Eh, that'll do.

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    • The Flying Dutchman is scaring one citizen by turning his head a full 360-degrees. SpongeBob and Patrick do the same...except they just turn their whole bodies around. They keep spinning and spinning until they were shown wearing purple tights, and they are figure-skating in a rink.
      • That entire sequence was funny as hell, as it also has the scene where the Dutchman phases through the wall to scare a victim, only for SpongeBob and Patrick trying to duplicate said feat and getting embedded into the wall.
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Small Child: Those guys are dorks.
Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks.

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Flying Dutchman Hippie: "Hey! I get a wish too! Fruit prevents scurvy!"

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SpongeBob: What have I done? We've got to find him! Where could he possibly be?
Patrick: Maybe he's in that poorly drawn pineapple. (shot of poorly drawn version of SpongeBob's house)
SpongeBob: Come on, let's go!
Patrick: (hides in a nearby bush) I'm not going in there!
SpongeBob: (jumps into same bush) Come on, Patrick. I'm right behind you. Baby steps. (They walk, using the bush as camouflage, toward the pineapple.) Almost there... (DoodleBob draws a hole. They scream and fall into it.)
Patrick: What just happened?
DoodleBob: (gibberish)
SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick. Give me a boost up!
Patrick: Can't we just stay down here where it's safe?
SpongeBob: No way. I created this monster and I've got to stop him. (a wrench falls and hits Patrick on the head)
DoodleBob: (gibberish)
SpongeBob: See what I mean, Patrick?
Patrick: (dazed) Where's the leak, ma'am?
(SpongeBob and Patrick climb to the top of the hole. DoodleBob draws a bowling ball and rolls it toward them)
Patrick: (his face turns into a bowling pin) YAHHHH- (the bowling ball hits him in the face, turning it into ten bowling pins and knocking him down into the hole, and a "strike" sign appears. The ball rolls into the hole after Patrick and hits him again. Another "strike" sign appears.)
SpongeBob: You okay, Patrick?
Patrick: FINLAND!

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    • After which,
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SpongeBob: There he is.
Patrick: He's hideous. He makes me sick, just looking at him. Those big bulgy eyes, that square body, those two buck teeth, and that stupid tie!
SpongeBob: (looks at his tie and coughs) Eh hem.
Patrick: Oh...but it looks good on you, SpongeBob! Heh heh.
SpongeBob: He's putting down the pencil! This is our chance. On the count of three, we'll jump out and surprise him!
Patrick: Oh boy, a surprise party! Is it his birthday?
SpongeBob: (DoodleBob suddenly appears in front of them and grabs SpongeBob) PATRICK! PATRICK! DO SOMETHING!!! (DoodleBob throws SpongeBob)
Patrick: Happy birthday! (gives a rock to DoodleBob) Here's your present! (DoodleBob bashes it on his head) You're welcome.

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      • Best/funniest part about that scene is Patrick's expression after getting hit.
    • When DoodleBob is revived, he gets revenge on SpongeBob by replacing him. He then chases SpongeBob downstairs, where SpongeBob closes the door to his living room. DoodleBob erases the door...to reveal SpongeBob's butt. He says "Huh?", then erases the crack as well.
    • The Live Action artist sobbing over his lost pencil, and, when he finally gets it back, breaks it.
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  • The episode "Secret Box". For one, the early line:
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SpongeBob: It's okay, I know all about secrets.
Patrick: You do?
SpongeBob: I've got a gazillion secrets.
Patrick: Like what?
SpongeBob: Well, it's no secret that the best thing about a secret is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby adding another secret to their collection of secrets...secretly. (cut to Patrick, whose brain has fizzled out from that "secret")

SpongeBob: You want to hear one of my secrets?

Patrick: Oh boy, do I!

SpongeBob: Well, uh, let's see...did you know you're my best friend?

Patrick: No. Way. Ooh, let's hear another one!

SpongeBob: Okay, uh...secretly...I'm a little bit naive.

Patrick: Wow. I'll never look at you the same way again, SpongeBob. Gosh!

SpongeBob: Ahem. (taps on Patrick's box)

Patrick: Tell me some more secrets!

SpongeBob: (annoyed) Okay...I love my job at the Krusty Krab, I sleep with my shoes on, I like jelly on both sides of my toast, I've got an overdue library book, I think jelly-fishing and bubble-blowing are... (time passes, now Patrick's laying down on his box) ...overbite, I've never been late for work, I've said the word "fancy" in conversation, I like to dance to loading zone announcements, I still don't have my driver's license, I'm a little on the short side, and I'm wearing three pairs of underwear right now!

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    • Later...
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SpongeBob: Now will you show me what's inside your secret box?
Patrick: No, SpongeBob! It's for me to know, and for you to never find out. You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. (a thought bubble appears with a live-action carton of milk. The carton falls over, spilling.)

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  • Even though the episode "Band Geeks" is mainly a Crowning Moment of Awesome, there are also some incredibly funny parts there. Examples:
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Squidward: People, people, settle down. OK, now, how many of you have played musical instruments before?
Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. (Patrick raises his hand again)
Squidward: Horseradish isn't an instrument either. (Patrick lowers his hand)

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    • At band rehearsal:
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Squidward: Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now, I want everyone to line up in straight rows of five.
SpongeBob: Is this the part where we start kicking?
Squidward: No SpongeBob, that's a chorus line.
Patrick: Kicking?! Oh, I wanna do some kicking! (kicks Sandy)
Sandy: Ow! Why you...! (Sandy begins beating Patrick up. The fight tumbles outside)
Patrick: AAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAH! (awkward silence, then Patrick pokes his head through the door) Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on. (Patrick walks through the doors, revealing that he has a trombone for a neck. The instrument plays a note at every step Patrick takes. When Patrick sits down, the trombone plays a long, low note along with Patrick opening his mouth to make the sound)

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    • The second example is notable because when everyone is fighting, Patrick kicks Sandy again (for no good reason this time). She of course gets angry and takes revenge by taking out another trombone, to Patrick's horror. Cue the off-screen chase.
    • SpongeBob's "eager face." Simply majestic.
    • The everyone-plays-loud scene.
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Squidward: People talk loud when they want to sound smart, right?
Plankton: CORRECT!
Squidward: So if we all play loud, people will think we're good! Everyone ready? (everyone gets their instruments out) And a one, and a two, and a one-two-three-four!
(Loud music breaks all the warehouse windows at once)
Squidward: (was hit by the force so hard that his face was blown away and his conductor stick snapped) Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.

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    • Then there's this brilliant exchange when they're at the football stadium:
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Patrick: (referring to live-action humans) Those are some ugly-looking fish!
SpongeBob: Maybe we're near one of those toxic waste dumps.

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    • There's the part where Squidward tells the flag twirlers to twirl faster until they end up flying upwards and crashing into a blimp, which explodes.
      • Topped off with the band members saluting while one of the trumpet players plays "Taps" after their demise, except Squidward who just lays down and curls up into a fetal position on the floor.
  • Even though "Graveyard Shift" is meant to be a Nightmare Fuel episode, it ended up pretty hilariously. Here, Mr. Krabs enlists a 24-hour food service at the Krusty Krab. Since SpongeBob is annoying him, Squidward tells SpongeBob a story about the 'Hash-Slinging Slasher', a former fry cook.
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SpongeBob: (begging) Tell me the story!
Squidward: Years ago at this very restaurant, the Hash-Slinging Slasher used to be a fry cook -- just like you -- only clumsier. And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties ....it happened.
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake. (imitates said action with his tentacles)
SpongeBob: You mean like this? (pulls one of his arms out of socket, another one grows back in its place) Or like this? (pulls it again, another one grows back) Or this? (does it again) Or this? (does it again) But what about this? Or this, or this, or this, or this...
Squidward: (interrupts) Except he wasn't a sponge!
SpongeBob: (holding many arms) So?
Squidward: SO IT DIDN'T GROW BACK!
SpongeBob: (screams) OH, NO! (all extra arms lift their hands upwards and run away)

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    • Continuing the story...
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Squidward: And then, he got hit by a bus! And then, at his funeral, they FIRED him!
SpongeBob (terrified that they fired him)

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    • As the night shift is still going on, Squidward's hilarious complaint:
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Squidward: (says to himself) Open 24 hours a day. What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at three in the morning? (cuts to Patrick's bedroom)
Patrick: (Patrick's alarm clock goes off) Oh boy, three A.M.! (takes out a Krabby Patty and starts to eat it)

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    • Squidward trying to remember the third sign that indicates the arrival of the Hash-Slinging Slasher:
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Squidward: And then... (turns around and sees green stuff flowing down the wall, and freaks out) The walls will ooze green slime!...Oh, wait, they always do that.

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    • When Squidward sees the Hash-Slinging Slasher, he screams "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" to the point where hair grow from his head. SpongeBob didn't get it at first but when Squidward points it out to him, he too screams "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" to the point where his eyelashes grow.
    • Of course, this part:
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Squidward: (hugging SpongeBob) SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sort of liked you!
SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet!
Squidward: Huh?

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    • Nosferatu. That is all.
    • "Neeeeeext..." "Dude? Can I have some ketchup?" "Oh, here you go. NEEEEEEEEXT...."
    • There's also the part where SpongeBob goes outside (at NIGHT!) to take out the garbage, screaming and running like mad all the while.
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SpongeBob: Piece of cake!

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Squidward: Repeat after me. "I have no talent".
SpongeBob: I have no talent.
Squidward: "Mr. Tentacles has all the talent".
SpongeBob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
Squidward: "If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles talent can rub off on me".
SpongeBob: If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent can...rub his tentacles...on my...art.

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    • YMMV, but the part where Squidward screeches/squawks and then starts destroying everything.
    • Also, the ending, in which it's revealed that Squidward unintentionally DID create a masterpiece.
  • "Something Smells" has one of the funniest SpongeBob moments ever:
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Patrick: Once there was an ugly barnacle.
(SpongeBob listens eagerly)
Patrick: He was so ugly that everyone died. The end.
(short pause)
SpongeBob: That didn't help at all.

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    • * Sniff sniff* "DEUUEAUGH!"
    • SpongeBob: 'Ugly'?? (music) You gotta be kiddin' me. (sparkles)
    • Just do what Patrick does when he's upset: SCREEEEEEEAM!
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SpongeBob I am ugly and I'm proud! I am ugly and I'm proud! I am ugly and I'm proud!
Squidward: Is that what he calls it?

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      • Here's another one:
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SpongeBob: (entering the cinema's bathroom) Patrick, is everything OK in here? [he hears Patrick sobbing. He opens a stall door and sees Patrick sitting with a bag over his head] What are you doing in there, Patrick?
Patrick Wouldn’t you like to know?
SpongeBob: And why is that bag on your head?
Patrick: Why? Oh, no reason. Except you gave me the ugly! [he whips the bag off. SpongeBob recoils and gasps. Patrick walks out] What am I gonna do? I can’t go out looking like this!
SpongeBob: Just remember what we talked about. There’s power in pride.
Patrick: That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! [his breath reaches Sponge and he holds his nose in disgust] I’m almost as ugly as you! I always thought if I was as ugly as that guy, I don’t know what I’d do.
SpongeBob: Patrick...?
Patrick What’s my mom gonna say?
SpongeBob: Patrick??
Patrick: Oh my gosh, if my sister finds out, wait, I don’t have a sister, if the bank, I mean it’s one thing if you have bad shoes, or even bad hair, but… [[[SpongeBob]] grows, towering over Patrick]
SpongeBob: PATRICK!!!!! [he goes back to normal] You’re not ugly. Your breath stinks. Really bad. [Patrick sighs with relief, his stench in the shape of a skull and crossbones]
Patrick: Ahhhhhhhh, What a relief....
SpongeBob: [his eyes water from the foul smell] OHHH, 'BARNACLES', Patrick! What did you eat?!
Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza…
SpongeBob: No, I mean just this morning.
Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza…
SpongeBob: What else?
Patrick: Well, I had some of your sundae.
SpongeBob: Sundae… [he whips what’s remaining of it out] Patrick! My sundae gave us rancid breath!
Patrick: Whatcha mean? [[[SpongeBob]] coughs as Patrick’s breath flies by him]
SpongeBob: I mean, we’re not ugly, we just stink!
Patrick: Stink? [the two cheer and run around in circles chanting]
Both: We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink!

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[The fumes encompass the entire theatre and it dissolves to the ground.]

  • "Sailor Mouth" is eleven minutes of big laughs. Example:
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SpongeBob: Krabs is a...hm? Krabs is a... (dolphin chirp)
Garbage man: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!
SpongeBob: Well sometimes, but not... (Garbage man leaves in disgust) ... recently.

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    • SpongeBob and Patrick's game of Eels and Escalators.
    • When SpongeBob arrives at the Krusty Krab:
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SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: What, what, what?
SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!
Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, yes?
SpongeBob: He said, he said, he said-
Mr. Krabs: Out with it, boy!
SpongeBob: (talking very fast) Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escalators, and he was going up up up, and I had to ride the eel! And then we ran, and Patrick, he said some things.

Mr. Krabs: What kind of things?

SpongeBob: Well, uh, he said...

Mr. Krabs: Yes?

SpongeBob: Well, um, let's just say he said a certain word that you said he shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be number eleven on the list of thirteen words you said shouldn't be said.

Mr. Krabs: Uh...right. Uh, what was the part about the...who now?

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    • The various noises used to censor the swear words, from dolphin chirps to seals barking to fog horns and other ship whistles...particularly when Mr. Krabs goes on an extended profanity-laced tirade after stubbing his toe and uses all thirteen "words that you should never use", unleashing a cacophony of nautical sound effects.
      • In another example of the series' copious Parental Bonuses, when Krabs initially mentions the list, Squidward asks if he means seven rather than thirteen, a reference to the classic George Carlin monologue "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television".
  • In "No Free Rides" when Mrs. Puff has SpongeBob write an essay to pass boating school and he finishes:
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Mrs. Puff: Fantastic! Let me see it.
SpongeBob: (scribbling on his essay) No, wait! I change my mind!
Mrs. Puff: I'm sure what you've written is fine. Let me see.
SpongeBob: No! Don't look! It's not ready!
Mrs. Puff: It's so simple! Only ten words! What I learned in boating school is blankety (inhale) blankety (inhale) blank!
SpongeBob: I can do this! I can do this!
Mrs. Puff: What I learned in boating school iiisss...! What I learned in boating school iiiiisssss...!
SpongeBob: I can do this! I can do this! (hyperventalates) Is it hot in here, Mrs. Puff?! Why is it so hot in here?! Aaahh! My hand, my hand is cramping Mrs. Puff! Make it stoooop!!
Mrs. Puff: You only need three! More! Wooorrrds!!

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    • In order to get SpongeBob off his brand new boat, Mrs. Puff drives through several deadly hazards such as giant clams and educational television.
    • At the beginning of the episode, SpongeBob is taking his boating test... and hits the narrator with his boat.
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(the groaning narrator and his shattered camera are lying in the road in front of SpongeBob's boat)
SpongeBob: (absently) Wha' happen'?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, nothing, SpongeBob, you just struck another pedestrian.

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      • Similar to the above, Mrs. Puff imagines the carnage caused by SpongeBob with his boating licence, and a news reporter doing a piece to camera blaming her for the chaos... a news reporter who is then hit by an oblivious SpongeBob.
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Reporter: Let's...not...use that take...

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    • Whatever SpongeBob did when he finds out who the thief of his boat was.
  • And "I'm Your Biggest Fanatic". So many candidates for the Crowning Moment of Funny here - "Oh my gosh! Jeffrey Jellyfish! I have to touch you!", "EVERYBODY loves pie,", Kevin's Ointment - but the best of all has to be the sequence where Kevin is repeatedly stung by jellyfish, accompanied by a mocking, offscreen repeated "Wah wah waaaaah..." from ONE OF HIS OWN CLUB MEMBERS. It's also the deadpan, nasal tone of voice that the line is delivered in each time (Rodger Bumpass in a supporting role?) that really makes it work.
    • And how Kevin responds to said mocking:
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Club Member: Wah wah waaaaah...
Kevin: Will you cut that out?!

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    • This exchange when SpongeBob first introduces himself to Kevin:
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Kevin: Security!
SpongeBob: No wait! I would do anything for you!
Kevin: Why don't you go jump off a building?
[Kevin laughs and folds his arms, until he hears SpongeBob screaming as he falls past the window of the convention center and lands with a crash]
SpongeBob: [re-enters, none the worse for wear] Anything!
Kevin: ...Punch yourself in the face.
[SpongeBob punches himself squarely in the face with a boxing glove]
Kevin: Doesn't that hurt you?
SpongeBob: [takes off boxing glove and puts on spiked gauntlet] Do you...want it to hurt me, Kevin?

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  • In "Krusty Love", Mr. Krabs trying to ask Mrs. Puff out on a date...and failing epically.
    • And SpongeBob cursing out his boss! Too bad most of it was in gibberish.
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SpongeBob: Well, Mr. Krabs. You wanna know what I think? AAAH! Regga flegga brecka brecka smollenolla MR. KRABS! Yagga hagan mergen WALLET! Zippy bippy SPEND! Rippy flippy diposhibo MR. KRABS' WALLET!

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      • And what Mrs. Puff said to Mr. Krabs afterwards:
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Mrs. Puff: I didn't know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary.

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    • SpongeBob pulling his eyes through his head to imitate Mr. Krabs. "ARRRR SPONGEBOB, YER SPENDIN' ALL ME MONEY!"
    • Before that:
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SpongeBob: That's my driving teacher, Mrs. Puff.
Krabs: Mrs. Puff? (disappointed) Aw, she's married.
SpongeBob: Oh no, sir, she's single.
Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff?
(cut to a live-action shot of a pufferfish, being used as a lamp)
SpongeBob: She doesn't like to talk about it.

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  • "Life Of Crime". Four Words: "Ja, buns und thighs."
    • Also, when SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting around the fire, feeling sad, Patrick wonders how there can be a fire if they're underwater. The fire immediately goes out. Later, when SpongeBob and Patrick get into an argument, Patrick stomps on where the fire was. The fire immediately comes back, burning his foot.
    • In addition, this from when SpongeBob and Patrick are discussing the benefits of crime:
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Patrick: And we can fly!
SpongeBob: Yeah!! (jumps off a cliff, floats for a moment, then promptly falls) AAAAAAAAHHHHH-(thud) OOF! (in a pained voice) Okay, we still can't do that.

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  • This exchange from early in "I'm With Stupid":
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[following an outburst by Patrick after SpongeBob finds him obsessively dusting the underside of his rock]
SpongeBob: But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate!
Patrick: [grabbing SpongeBob's leg and sobbing] I don't know what to do, SpongeBob! You gotta help me!
SpongeBob: Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! [grabs Patrick's arm] C'mon! We'll get the funnel!
Patrick: No, it's not that, SpongeBob! It's worse!
SpongeBob: [with quiet irritation] Darn, I like the funnel.

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    • "I'm With Stupid" maybe a massive Karma Houdini episode for Patrick, but it contains one of the most clever jokes in the entire series.
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Patrick: Look! [hands Spongebob a sheet of paper]
SpongeBob: Hey! A note! [turns it to reveal a picture of a music note]
Patrick: Yeah, but turn it over! There's a letter!
SpongeBob: [turns it to reveal the letter B on the other side] You're right. [tosses it aside]
Patrick: [pulls out another sheet of paper] And I got this message from my parents!

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(phone rings, Patrick answers)
Customer: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick. (hangs up and begins whistling, phone rings again and he answers)
Second Customer: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: (Annoyed voice) NO, this is Patrick. (hangs up, phone rings yet again, he answers again)
Third Customer: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: (Yelling at top of lungs) NO!!! THIS IS PATRICK!!!!! (slams phone down) I am not a Krusty Krab!

Spongebob: Uh Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.

Patrick: Huh? (grimaces angrily) Fishpaste!

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    • From the same episode, Patrick showing everything he can his new award.
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Patrick: Rock! I got an award! (antenna on rock falls off)
Patrick: Jellyfish! I got an award! (ZAP)
Patrick: (hops up to the island above Bikini Bottom) Island! I got an awa--(chokes on lack of air)

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  • Plankton's method of distracting Krabs in "Imitation Krabs":
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Plankton: I've been saving this for a rainy day. It looks like an ordinary penny, because it is an ordinary penny!

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  • "Fry Cook Games" has a few gems.
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Plankton: Ladies and Gentlemen. Turn your attention to the southwest corridor. Other way. Imbeciles. And stop! Perfect! Representing the Chum Bucket, a creature so fearsome, so terrible, so mind-bendingly large, that those of you with weak constitutions may want to leave the stadium.
Muscle Fish: (trembling) I've gotta get out of here!
Plankton: Too late! Ready or not, here he comes. Quake with fear, you mortal fools! Bow down, before the awesome might, of *CRASH* this huge guy who's carrying the real contestant: Patrick Star!

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Mr Krabs: Win this one for the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: FOR THE KRUSTY KRAB!!

Plankton: Win this one because I told you to.

Patrick: BECAUSEHETOLDMETOOO!!

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  • This exchange from "Patty Hype":
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SpongeBob: What if Mr. Krabs was right? Maybe this is a dumb idea! (starts crying)
Patrick: SpongeBob, sometimes we have to look deep inside ourselves to solve our problems.
SpongeBob: I'm scared!
Patrick: Then I'm going in for ya! (he proceeds to climb into SpongeBob through one of his pores; SpongeBob suddenly inflates) Sorry! Stupid inflatable pants! (he climbs out of SpongeBob).
SpongeBob: Did you find anything?
Patrick: Huh?

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  • Gary?... I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!!! Along with this unforgettable piece.
  • Several from "Pre-Hibernation Week":
    • Sandy throwing an exhausted SpongeBob a fishing pole and pointing to a nearby light aeroplane as she announces "We're going fly fishin'!" - followed by a cutaway to a (live-action) drummer delivering a Rimshot.
    • When Sandy has run the rest of the population of Bikini Bottom ragged in a search for SpongeBob, they resort to increasingly desperate attempts to persuade her they have found him:
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Sandy: No one's goin' anywhere 'til we find SpongeBob!
Muscle fish: Uh, wait! (grabs the fish standing next to him and holds him up) Uh, here he is!
Sandy: That ain't SpongeBob! SpongeBob is square!
(The muscle fish squeezes the other fish into a square shape)
Square fish: (in a poor imitation of SpongeBob) I'm ready! I'm ready!
Sandy: No you ain't!
Other fish: (holding up Kelpo box) I found SquareBob!
Sandy: That's just a cereal box! 'Sides, he's yellow!
Third fish: (holding up a banana) Uh, here he is! Hey, can I go home now?

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      • And right before that:
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Fish: (whispering aside to another fish) This is a load of barnacles.
Sandy: I heard that! No one's going anywhere until we find SpongeBob!

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    • GOLD TEAM RULES!
    • As the search continues:
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Fish covered in poison sea urchins: He's not at the poison sea urchin cove.
Sandy: Well look again.
Fish covered in leeches: He's not at the leech farm.
Sandy: Well look again!
Squidward: He's not in my thoughts.
Sandy: Well THINK again!

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    • And during the search:
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Blue Fish: (peers into a spout) Hey, SpongeBob! (blast of sulfur hits him in the face, charring it black and messing it up) Well...at least I still have my personality.

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    • Having thrown SpongeBob from their shared hiding place under Patrick's rock, the rest of the people of Bikini Bottom are still hiding there when Patrick (who has missed the rest of the episode) returns, carrying a bag of groceries and licking an ice cream cone...
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Patrick: ...WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!?!

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    • Twice in the episode "Prehibernation Week" an ordinarily normal-looking fish is revealed to apparently wear Osh-Kosh overalls, a beanie, and a giant lollipop underneath his regular clothes (well, okay, the second time Sandy just ripped up a building from its foundation and revealed the fish in the kiddy clothes, but anyway). One short pause later, the fish responds with "Uhh, I Can Explain..."
  • "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III" is one giant Crowing Moment of Funny from beginning to end. But perhaps the best part is Spongebob's attempt to rehabilitate Man-Ray.
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Spongebob: Okay, goodness lesson number one: You see someone drop their wallet. (whispering to Patrick) Pat drop the wallet.
Patrick drops his wallet
Spongebob: Now what would you do?
Man-Ray: Excuse me, sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet.
Patrick: Doesn't look familiar to me.
Man-Ray: What? But I just saw you drop it. Here.
Patrick: Nope, it's not mine.
Man-Ray: It is yours. I am trying to be a good person in returning it to you.
Patrick: Return what to who?
Man Ray facepalms in frustration, then takes Patrick's ID card out of the wallet
Man-Ray: Aren't you Patrick Star?
Patrick: Yep.
Man-Ray: And this is your ID.
Patrick: Yep.
Man-Ray: I found this ID in this wallet. And if that's the case, this must be your wallet.
Patrick: Makes sense to me.
Man-Ray: Then take it.
Patrick: It's not my wallet.

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    • Then there was goodness lesson number 2 in which Man Ray had to offer to help Patrick carry a heavy box. After having Patrick drop the box on Man-Ray's foot several times before he can help him, we get this:
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Man-Ray: OW! YOU BUTTERED-FINGERED PINK THING! What's in that box, anyway?!
Patrick: My wallets.

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    • Man-Ray's comment on actually reforming from his evil ways: "Besides, I have checks with little poodles on them!"
  • From "Squid's Day Off": his paranoia that the oblivious SpongeBob is spying on him so that he can report him for taking an unscheduled day off finally causes Squidward to snap, and he jumps from the bathtub and runs nude (except for some strategically placed suds) through Bikini Bottom back to the Krusty Krab. He passes the hospital as Mr. Krabs, his arms newly re-attached, is walking out of the front exit. When he sees the nude, deranged Squidward run past, Krabs' arms immediately fall off again, and, his expression unchanging, he turns and walks back into the hospital.

Season Three

  • From "The Algae's Always Greener", there's SpongeBob's "Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!" take after Plankton tells him he was using too much sauce. His expression everytime he says it is outright hilarious.
    • "MAKE IT STOP!" (siren goes off) "Did I say the secret word?"
    • "GOOD GRIEF, HE'S NAKED!!!"
    • "Evil" Mr. Krabs getting caught with an article of clothing - a bra.
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Mr. Krabs: Aww, ya got me! Well, at least it's underwire.

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  • The episode "Sponge Guard on Duty" had its share of funny moments:
    • After SpongeBob and Patrick talk about SpongeBob's dream to be a lifeguard,
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SpongeBob: Who needs to be a lifeguard? I’m cool. (zoom into a geek-like looking SpongeBob) I’m every bit as cool as Larry. And if I’m not, let me be struck by... (thunder roars) ...a flying ice cream truck. (ice cream truck comes falling down) AND LIVE! (ice cream truck slows down and lands on top of SpongeBob)

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    • And then...
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Larry (speaking into a megaphone): Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers!

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    • Don't forget all of the perverted jokes about the "white stuff" thing in this episode.
  • From 'Club SpongeBob':
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Squidward: Why must every 11 minutes of my life by filled with misery??? WHY??!!

SpongeBob: (comes over to Squidward) Aw, cheer up, Squid. It could be worse.

Patrick: Yeah, you could be bald and have a big nose.

(camera pans to Squidward, with his bald head and big nose)

Squidward: Well, this is the end.

SpongeBob: No it's not, Squidward!

Patrick: (building coffins) It's not?

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  • In "My Pretty Seahorse", Patrick, with a board nailed to his head, keeps trying to enter a hat store.
    • And the bowl of onions gag.
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Squidward: (starts sniffling and sobbing after Spongebob begs Mr. Krabs not to make him let Mystery go, but then notices a bowl of onions* Hey, who left this bowl of onions here?
(later, after Mr. Krabs relates how he used his dollar to buy a soda) What? Would you get out of here?
(later, as Spongebob leads Mystery out of the kitchen, a fish is crying as well, but then notices Squidward holding the bowl of onions under his nose)
Fish: HEY!

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  • Just One Bite. Here, SpongeBob is trying to convince Squidward to eat a Krabby Patty.
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Squidward: Try one of those radioactive sludgeballs you call food?!? Next I suppose you'll want me to go square dancing with Patrick!
SpongeBob: (to Patrick in a cowboy suit). Sorry, Patrick...
(Patrick moans in disappointment and sulks away)

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    • Also this one:
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SpongeBob: But it's good for you!
Squidward: 'Good for you'?! That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
SpongeBob: No, Squidward, I meant...good for your soul...
(angelic background and singing)
Squidward: Oh, puh-leeze. I have no soul!
(hellish background and evil music)
Demonic Voice: Bwahahahahahaaa!
(Squidward's eyes widen, music stops short and he walks away)

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    • The deleted part where Squidward repeatedly gets doused with gas and set ablaze.
    • Squidward bites a tiny bit of meat from the Krabby Patty. He then goes on to talk about how disgusting the Patty tasted.
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SpongeBob: Are you sure?
Squidward:--> Does THIS look unsure to you??? (camera reveals Squidward's stern face designed in a surreal Nightmare Fuel fashion)
SpongeBob: No.

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    • Moments later after SpongeBob walks back inside, Squidward frantically digs up the Krabby Patty.
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Squidward: (with tears of joy) Still alive!! (eats the sand-covered Krabby Patty) So DELICIOUS! All the wasted years! (sobs and licks the ground where the Krabby Patty was buried)

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    • From that same episode we get this:
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Squidward: What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage?!
Random fish with a bulging stomach: I wish I could eat this (Krabby Patty with a single bite), but I'm so darn full. Oh well. (tosses Krabby Patty in the garbage).
Squidward: I had to say garbage. But, OKAY. (runs to the garbage can, which reveals the Krabby Patty on top. Squidward dives headfirst into the garbage can and eats ravenously. However, Squidward then looks into the trash can again, which is now empty of all its contents except the Krabby Patty.)

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    • And lets not forget:
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SpongeBob: You like Krabby Patties, don't you Squidward?

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    • Later:
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SpongeBob: Squidward, you can't all those patties at one time! SQUIDWARD!
Squidward: What's gonna happen, am I gonna blow up?
SpongeBob: No, worse! It'll straight to your thighs!
Squidward: My thighs?...
SpongeBob: And then you blow up!
(KABOOM)

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  • From Nasty Patty:
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Mr. Krabs: Wash your hands, clean the floors, change your underwear! The health inspector's here! (he and Spongebob peek out the kitchen window at the health inspector, who is writing on a clipboard) If he finds one health violation, he'll close us down for good. We've got to do everything in our power to make sure he passes the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, there's no reason to worry. (eyes widen) The Krusty Krab is the most perfect place in the universe.
Mr. Krabs: You really haven't got any brains at all, have you, son?

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  • The episode 'Idiot Box' has a Running Gag where SpongeBob repeatedly says "Imaginaaation," while forming a rainbow with his hands.
    • Also, this dialogue:
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SpongeBob: With (forms rainbow with his fingers) imaginaaaaation, I can be anything I want! A pirate! Arrg! A football player! Hutt!
Patrick: (interrupts) A starfish!
Squidward: Patrick, you're already a starfish.

Patrick: See Squidward, it works!

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    • Squidward's trying to drown out SpongeBob and Patrick's games with his new TV:
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TV Announcer: It is here that the box has reach its final stage of assembly.
(Squid changes the channel)
Scientist Fish: The equation is illustrated here by this box.
(Squid changes the channel)
Boy Fish: I couldn't get you anything this year, so I got you this box.
Girl Fish: That's what I've gotten you!
Squidward: Isn't there anything on that isn't about boxes?!
TV Announcer: And welcome back to championship boxing!
Squidward: Heheh, I guess this is okay. I mean it's not really about boxes...
(cut to the TV screen showing two boxes fighting in the ring.)
Squidward: ...I give up.

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    • Squidward imagining what they're really doing in the box
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SpongeBob: (taking out a tape recorder and playing it) (laughs) Squidward's such a jerk.

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  • 'No Weenies Allowed' is ridiculously funny. Here, SpongeBob tries to get in the Salty Spitoon. Hilarity Ensues.
    • The first part of SpongeBob and Sandy's karate fight:
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Sandy: Hi-yah! (karate chops SpongeBob into the air. SpongeBob crashes into the ground, followed by his pants, socks, and shoes. He stands up with the clothing on his head and feet in some food)
SpongeBob: I may be down, but I’m not out! (looks down at his feet, which are in some potato salad at a family picnic)
Tom: Way to go, buddy. It took us three days to make that potato salad. (SpongeBob jumps away) THREE DAYS!!!

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Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are ya?
Muscular Fish: How tough am I? How tough am I? I had a bowl of nails for breakfast!
Reg: (chuckles) Yeah, so?
Muscular Fish: Without any milk.

Reg: (visibly afraid) Uhh, right this way! Sorry to keep you waiting! (paraphrased)

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    • On determining SpongeBob's toughness:
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Reg: How tough are ya?
SpongeBob: How tough am I? You got a new bottle of ketchup?
Reg: Sure. (hands the bottle of ketchup to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: It’s on! (strains to open it but he can't) If I could just run this under some hot water...
Reg: Get outta here. This place is too tough for you, little man.
SpongeBob: Too tough for me?? That’s downright ridiculous. I’ll have you know I stubbed my toe last week while watering my spice garden, and I only cried for twenty minutes.

Reg: Listen, kid. I think you’d be more comfortable over at that place. (points to the building across the street)

SpongeBob: Weenie Hut Jr’s?! Are you saying I belong at Weenie Hut Jr’s?

Reg: Oh no, sorry, I was actually pointing at the place next to it. (points to another building)

SpongeBob: Super Weenie Hut Jr’s?!

Reg: Yeah. Unless you think you’re tough enough to fight me. (SpongeBob breathes deeply, as if to say something. Scene then cuts to him sitting in a seat at Weenie Hut Jr's)

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    • Words cannot describe the hilarity of this part:
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(SpongeBob walks over to Reg with a black wig on)
SpongeBob look-alike: (cool voice) What's shakin', my man?
Reg: Not much. Say, haven’t I seen you before?
SpongeBob look-alike: (cool voice) Doubt it - I’m a drifter - just blew into town. Heard your club was pretty tough, thought I’d check it out.
Reg: Nice try, kid. I know it’s you.
SpongeBob look-alike: (Normal SpongeBob voice) What’re you talking about? (Reg pulls SpongeBob’s hair, but it is still attached to his head)
Reg: Aha! (the hair does not come off. Another SpongeBob walks up with a clown wig on)
SpongeBob: Hey, everybody, what’s goin’ on? (Reg tries to redo the other's hair but can't do)
Reg: Ah, you can go in. Sorry about that. (cool SpongeBob walks in) What do you want?
SpongeBob: I’d like to gain entrance to your social club, please. (puffs wig) I believe my hairdo is in order. (Reg rips the wig off SpongeBob’s head. SpongeBob laughs nervously)

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    • And for the ending of this episode:
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Reg: I never thought I’d say this, but go ahead in.
SpongeBob: Really? I can go in? Oh my gosh, I never thought this moment would come! I, SpongeBob SquarePants, am tough enough to get into the Salty Spittoon! This is the happiest day of my life! (walks in; scene cuts to an ambulance driving down the street with SpongeBob in bandages and Sandy by his side) Sandy? (groans) What happened?
Sandy: You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube. (ambulance arrives at the hospital; scene cuts to Sandy wheeling SpongeBob in front of the doctor)
Doctor: What happened?
SpongeBob: I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos!
Doctor: Boo-boos, eh? Hmmm...I think you guys want that hospital. (points across the street to another hospital)
SpongeBob: Weenie Hut General?!

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  • From 'Squilliam Returns':
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Squidward: (thinking to himself) Don’t be intimidated, Squidward. Try to imagine him in his underwear. (imagines Squilliam in his boxers, but he has the body of an underwater model) Oh no, he’s hot!!!

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  • From "Krab-Borg" after SpongeBob and Squidward see Mr. Krabs with red eyes, tongs, and dead batteries run into the bathroom.
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Squidward: (to SpongeBob) I'll evacuate the customers, you call the Navy!
SpongeBob: Hello, operator, get me the Navy!
Answering Machine: Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service!
SpongeBob: Squidward, the robots are running the Navy!
Squidward: NOT THE NAVY! (over intercom) Attention, everyone, run for your lives! The robots are taking over the world! (no one moves) OUR WORLD! (customers scream and run out of the restaurant.)

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SpongeBob: You know Patrick, since this scallop doesn’t have parents, we should raise it ourselves.
Patrick: Yeah! At least until it’s old enough to be on its own! Oh, I wanna be the mom!
SpongeBob: I don’t think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.
Patrick: You’re right. If I was a mom, this would be kind of shocking. (scene zooms out to show Patrick fat and hairy; he raises his arms, revealing very hairy armpits) Just call me Daddeh!

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    • After their first day as parents:
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Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob? (goes to what appears to be the right side of the bed)
SpongeBob: (goes to what appears to be the left side) Yes, Patrick?
Patrick: I never thought being a parent could be this much fun.
SpongeBob: Me neither. (scene zooms out, revealing that Patrick is sleeping on the bottom mattress and SpongeBob is sleeping on the top)
Patrick: Well, good night SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Good night, Patrick. (SpongeBob’s mattress slams shut on top of Patrick)

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    • And finally, the ending, which sparked a thousand controversies about SpongeBob and Patrick:
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SpongeBob: Junior? He’s flying!
Patrick: I guess he’s all grown up! (Junior kisses SpongeBob then flies off) Hey, what about Daddy? (Junior drops a coconut on Patrick's head, then kisses him) That's my boy!
SpongeBob: Goodbye.
Patrick: Goodbye, Junior!
SpongeBob: Well Patrick, he doesn’t need us anymore.
Patrick: This is the hardest part of every parents life, I assume.
SpongeBob: Despite all we’ve been through, it was worth it.
Patrick: Yeah... Let’s have another. (SpongeBob looks shocked.)

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  • This scene in 'Wet Painters':
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SpongeBob: Ok, Patrick, let’s get our brushes ready. (holds up his big brush) Uhh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. (takes another small brush and gets a hair out of his nose. Patrick gets all his hairs out of his nose on his brush. SpongeBob dips the brush into the can and then faces the wall) Alright, Patrick, gotta get started painting this wall. With the permanent paint that we’re not allowed to get on anything but the wall. Well, here we go.
Narrator: One hour later.
SpongeBob: (still standing in the same spot) Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I’ll be painting this wall!
Narrator: Two hours later.
SpongeBob: (still standing in the same spot and sweating) I’m getting to the painting...
Narrator: Three hours later.
Patrick: Can you move it along, I’m all out of time cards.

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    • "Wet Painters" is filled with Moments of Funny, but the funniest moment occurs when SpongeBob accidentally makes a giant paint bubble:
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SpongeBob: What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?!

Patrick: Ooh! I know! (produces a bubble wand, dips in into the paint, and blows another giant paint bubble) Two giant paint bubbles!

(the bubbles collide and form one MASSIVE paint bubble)

SpongeBob: Patrick, I don't think this bubble can get much bigger!

Patrick: Nonsense! (produces a bike pump to hook up to the paint bubble, inflating it further)

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    • While trying to remove the paint stain from Mr. Krab's dollar by whaling it with a bat:
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Patrick: Oof! Oof! OOF!
SpongeBob: Nothing’s working!
Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob! we’re not cavemen! (walks over to a computer) We have technology! (picks up the computer and smashes it on the dollar)
SpongeBob: It didn’t work.

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    • When Mr. Krabs comes home.
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Mr. Krabs: Crimminy-Jim-jim! You messed up my dollar...(moves toward a random shelf of dolls) rama!
(SpongeBob and Patrick look confused)
Mr. Krabs: All these dolls in this Doll-O-Rama were perfectly aligned! (adjust one of the dolls to an upright position) And you boys thought I wouldn't notice.

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    • When Mr. Krabs discovers the hiding spot and throws away a bunch of paintings (one of them Painty the Pirate, seen in the opening). He then sees SpongeBob behind the final one.
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SpongeBob: (Nervously) H-hey, Mr.Krabs...
Krabs: SpongeBob, what are you doing?
SpongeBob: Oh, y'know, just...hangin' around?

Patrick: (gives thumbs down) BOO!

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    • When Mr. Krabs had finally seen the damage:
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Mr. Krabs: Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?
SpongeBob: We’re sorry, Mr. Krabs!
Patrick: We're so sorry!
Mr. Krabs: And then did you draw on it with crayon?! (dollar has a smiley face and two dollar signs drawn on with green crayon)
Patrick: I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.
Mr. Krabs: Alright boys, you know what I’ve gotta do now?!?
SpongeBob: You mean our butts?
Patrick: Can I use mine one last time?

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  • 'Krusty Krab Training Video'. The reason this episode's so funny is because it has absolutely No Fourth Wall.
    • SpongeBob repeatedly asking the narrator if he can make a Krabby Patty, only to be turned down every time (except at the end).
    • This part:
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Narrator: Sounds like a lot of...
Child: Hoopla!
Narrator:Sounds like a lot of... (scroll over to a little kid shouting)
Child: Hoopla!
Narrator: Sounds like a...
(Camera swerves right to view the young, green fish shouting)
Child: Hoopla! Hoopla! (gets hit on the head with a brick then falls down)
Narrator: Sounds like a lot of hoopla to make over a little Krabby Patty, right?(chuckles) WRONG!

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    • POOP.
    • The exchange between Squidward and Patrick:
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Narrator: Now we go from behind the scenes to the front lines, where we’ll examine the most important aspect of the industry, the customer. Or as we say, the 'Krustomer'.
Patrick: (stops) Who said that?! Are you a ghost?!?
Narrator: Like precious, precious blood in an animal, the customer is what makes the Krusty Krab strong and alive.
Patrick: Squidward, your ceiling is talking to me!
Squidward: Are you going to order something or just make friends with the paneling?
Patrick: Uhh...I’ll have an uhh...uhh...uhh...ah... (falls asleep and drools 'til Squidward snaps his fingers, causing him to wake up) What’s that?
Squidward: Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else.
Narrator: Ah-ah-ah, Squidward, remember what Mr. Krabs says. (pan over to a hanging cutout of Mr. Krabs with a speech balloon)
Mr. Krabs: The money is always right!
Patrick: The ceiling is right Squidward, you’re not a very good employee.
Squidward: Fine. May I please take your order?
Patrick: I’ll have uhh... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...................................................... (drools again as Squidward gets angry)
Narrator: (scene cuts to Squidward and Patrick, Patrick is still saying uhhhhhh.................................) Let’s check in on Squidward again. Psst, Squidward.
Squidward: Huh?
Narrator: Just remember: POOP.
Squidward: Patrick, if I could make a suggestion, why don't you order a Krabby Patty?
Patrick: Great idea, Squidward! One Krabby Patty, please.
Squidward: (sighs) Will that be here or for to go? (immediately realizes his mistake and quickly covers his mouth, but it's too late)
Patrick: Uuhhhhhh............ (Squidward bangs his head against the register)

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    • And the ending:
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Narrator: The secret formula i- (cuts to credits)

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  • From 'Party Pooper Pants':
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SpongeBob: Squidward, you made it!
Squidward: My cable's out.
SpongeBob: Oh, sorry to hear about that. (pushes pliers deeper in his back pocket)

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    • "I don't even know how that happened."
    • I WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAD THE BUNNY HOP!!!!!
    • When he's arrested, the policewoman complains that the handcuffs are broken. The policeman says "I got an old pair in the trunk!" Cue SpongeBob in an old-fashioned wooden shackle.
  • 'Chocolate With Nuts'. That is all.
    • This infamous scene:
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(Outside Tom's house)
SpongeBob: Okay Patrick, this is it - the first step on our road to livin' fancy. (they ring the doorbell and Tom answers)
SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir. Could we interest you in some chocolate?
Tom: Chocolate? Did you say chocolate?
Patrick: Yes sir, with or without nuts?
Tom: Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!!! (screaming) CHOCOLATE!!! CHOCOLATE!!! (terrified, SpongeBob and Patrick make a run for it)
SpongeBob: (next scene) Okay, that first guy didn't count.

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    • While discussing about how to win customers:
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SpongeBob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.
Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!

SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate...

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    • The others are good, but this scene totally tops it all:
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SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
(Patrick knocks on the door, and a customer opens it)
Customer: Hello?
Patrick: I love you.
(A harp is heard playing; the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then slams the door shut)
SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal.

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(an old woman opens the door to find SpongeBob and Patrick standing there)
SpongeBob: Hello, young lady! (winks conspiratorially with Patrick) We're selling chocolates. Is your mother home?
(the old woman pauses for a moment, then yells "Mom!" an incredibly decrepit woman who looks more like a burnt corpse than a fish wheels herself into view on her wheelchair)
Old Woman's Mother: What?! What, what's all the yelling? (SpongeBob and Patrick are startled) You just can't wait for me to die, can you?
Old Woman: They're selling chocolates!
Old Woman's Mother: Chocolates?
Old Woman: Yeah!
Old Woman's Mother: What? What are they selling?
Old Woman: Chocolate!
Old Woman's Mother: What?
Old Woman: CHOCOLATE!
Old Woman's Mother: I can't hear you!
Old Woman: THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATE!!!
Old Woman's Mother: They're selling chocolate?
Old Woman: Yeah!
Old Woman's Mother: (with an expression of fondness) Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate... (her expression abruptly changes) I always HATED IT!
SpongeBob: (sweating profusely) Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating! It's for...
Patrick: You rub it on your skin, and it makes you live forever!
(the younger of the two women begins to shake her head and hands at SpongeBob and Patrick with a mortified expression as her mother continues)
Old Woman: No...no...no...
Old Woman's Mother: Live forever, you say? I'll take one!
(after facepalming, the younger woman gives SpongeBob the money in return for the chocolate, as the house is now seen from the side with her mother out of shot)
Old Woman's Mother: Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate!
Old Woman/Mary: (to SpongeBob) I hate you.

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    • And then the part with Tom again, after SpongeBob and Patrick have all but given up.
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Tom: (pops up behind SpongeBob and Patrick) CHOCOLAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEE! (SpongeBob and Patrick begin crying and pleading; Tom laughs maniacally) FINALLY! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CATCH YOU BOYS ALL DAY! NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOU RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU... (calms down and pulls out a big wad of cash) I'd like to buy all your chocolate! (all the chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's pants, followed by a Hershey Kiss. SpongeBob and Patrick slowly melt into a puddle.]]

SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.

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  • From 'Mid-Life Crustacean':
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SpongeBob: Are you feeling it, Mr. Krabs?
Patrick: (camera switches to him) I'm feeling it, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: (from off-screen) Patrick, that's not a ride! (camera pans out to reveal that Patrick is actually riding a customer with a cart)
Harold: Get off of me!

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    • And then there's
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Patrick: The panty raid.

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  • "I Had An Accident". Here, SpongeBob has an accident where he decides that he won't go outside anymore to avoid further accidents.
    • While SpongeBob is falling from the mountain:
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Sandy: SpongeBob! Land on your bottom! It'll cushion the impact of the fall!
SpongeBob: (takes off pants) Like this?
Patrick: No, your other bottom!
Sandy: Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?
Patrick: Not until 4:00.
SpongeBob: (crashes)
Sandy: Ooh, that's got to hurt.
Patrick: Do it again! I wasn't looking!

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    • After learning about SpongeBob's decision:
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SpongeBob: Listen, I've reached my point. I'm never going outside again.
Patrick: Never ever?
SpongeBob: Never ever ever!
Patrick: Never never ever for never ever?!
SpongeBob: Never ever never never ever ever never!!
Patrick: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever?!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Never ever never never ever never ever never…
SpongeBob: D'alright Patrick, that's enough!!! Chip, will you escort these two to the door? (throws Chip to the door)
Patrick: Thank you, Chip. (outside) I guess I'm going to have to find a new best friend... Hey Squidward!
Squidward: NO.
Patrick: Oh.
Sandy: Don't worry Pat, we'll get SpongeBob to come outside, and then he'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
Patrick: And that's when I punch him, right? (Sandy gives a bummed look)

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    • While trying to tempt SpongeBob into coming outside:
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Sandy: Trampoline!
Patrick: Ice cream!
Sandy: Underwater surfing!
Patrick: Two ice creams!
Sandy: Ferris wheel!
Patrick: (the two ice cream cones are melting) Still two ice creams!
Sandy: Clam wrestling!
Patrick: Washing an old person!
Sandy: Patrick, that ain't fun!
Old Man: It is for me!
SpongeBob: (breathing differently as before)
Sandy: Nothing's working, Pat!
Patrick: What do we do now?
Old Man: I say we take a bath!
Sandy: What the-? Would you get out of here?!

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    • The ending of this episode, where it is revealed that a family is actually watching the show, the father gives a confused look, then turns off the TV.
    • Just before that, SpongeBob gets torn in half by a gorilla, and we get this exchange:
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SpongeBob (Left half): Y'know what I don't understand?
SpongeBob (Right half): What?
SpongeBob (Left half): What's a gorilla doing underwater in the first place?
Gorilla: Uh...well...uh, it's funny that you should...I mean... George, they're onto us!!
Horse: Let's get outta here!

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(the gorilla jumps onto the horse and rides off into the sunset while smacking its behind. It must be seen to be believed.

  • The kid-friendly form of Cold-Blooded Torture in 'Krabby Land': Mr. Krabs being tied to a post and being forcefully fed lima beans.
    • Actually, given Mr. Krabs's character in here, that's pretty justified.
  • The Camping Episode. "THAT WAS AN OVAL. IT HAS TO BE A CIRCLE."
    • The exchange from when Squidward got attacked by the sea bear for no apparent reason:
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Squidward: (after being attacked by the sea bear once again) What did I do that time?!
SpongeBob: (yelling back) I don't know, maybe he just doesn't like you!
Patrick: (yelling) Try being somebody else!

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SpongeBob: It's a good thing that was only a sea bear. This anti-sea bear circle would never hold off a sea rhinoceros.
Squidward: What attracts them?
Patrick: The sound of a sea bear attack. (screen zooms out to reveal a sea rhinoceros next to them)
SpongeBob Good thing we're wearing our anti-sea rhinoceros undergarments, right Squidward?

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  • From 'The Sponge Who Could Fly':
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SpongeBob: Wait a minute, I'm forgetting the words of Grandpa SquarePants. (a thought cloud appears above SpongeBob’s head; SpongeBob’s grandfather is inside of it)
Grandpa SquarePants: If we were meant to fly, we'd have propellers on our heads or jet engines on our backs. (the cloud disappears)
SpongeBob: (snaps) I'm gonna follow his advice, by gum. I'll invent a flying machine! (cuts to SpongeBob working on building a plane outside of a barn; Patrick walks up to him)
Patrick: What's that contraption, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: That, Patrick, is a flying machine.
Patrick: (laughs)
SpongeBob: What's so funny?
Patrick: Well, it's like my grandpa used to say. (a thought cloud appears over his head; Grandpa SquarePants is inside it again)
Grandpa SquarePants: If we were meant to fly, uh... hey, I'm not your grandfather! (pokes Patrick in the head with his cane; the thought cloud disappears)

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    • Old Man Jenkins.
    • Patrick actually being able to FLY.
    • From the show's long Cold Open, the "cheap walk cycles." So shamelessly random, it's hilarious.
  • The scene in "Pranks a Lot" when SpongeBob and Patrick freak Mr. Krabs out.
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SpongeBob and Patrick: "OOOOOOH...Kraaaaabsssss...."
Mr. Krabs: "Wha...?"
SpongeBob: "Krabs, we've come to haunt you!"
Mr. Krabs: (swinging the paddleball) "Stay back! I'm well armed!"
SpongeBob and Patrick: "OOOOOOOH..."
Mr. Krabs: "I'm warning you!"
SpongeBob and Patrick: (howling eerily) (they cut the paddleball's string with scissors)
Mr. Krabs: (teeth chattering) "Ohhhhhh...."
SpongeBob: "Boo."
Mr. Krabs: "AAAAAAHHH!!!!" (starts running) "I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!" (slams into the front doors)
SpongeBob: "You can't escape, Krabs, we've glued the doors shut."
Mr. Krabs: "You'll never get me! (runs into the window but it pulls him back and he crashes into a table)
Patrick: "Nice try, Krabs, but we've replaced all the glass with rubber!"
(Mr. Krabs runs into the washroom and sticks his head in a toilet, but can't fit.)
SpongeBob: "Too late, Krabs! We've already clogged all the toilets!"
Mr. Krabs: (runs into a corner) "Please spirits! Leave me be! Oh please! Please! Have mercy...!"
Patrick: (stifled laugh) "Oh, we've got him good, SpongeBob!"
SpongeBob: "Wait, Patrick, I've got one more idea!" "You're going to pay, Krabs!"
Mr. Krabs: "No, spirits. Please!" (a dollar floats next to him)
SpongeBob: "Pay!"
Mr. Krabs: "No!"
SpongeBob: "PAY!" (holds a lighted match against the dollar)
Mr. Krabs: "NO! Don't burn me dollar!"

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    • As well as everyone else in Bikini Bottom. One funny example being Mrs. Puff, who is about to eat devil's food cake, but SpongeBob and Patrick eat it, and Mrs. Puff freaks out, puffs up, and flies around the room like a deflating balloon, screaming, "GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSS!"
    • "Toast."
  • "The Great Snail Race". Who won the race? "And the winner is ROCKY!"
    • "I don't know why, but I think I'll kick SpongeBob's butt tomorrow." Later, "That's for yesterday, SquarePants!" Also counts as a Crowning Moment of Awesome if you really didn't like the remark that got SpongeBob that butt-kicking in the first place.
  • In the episode "Doing Time" when Mrs. Puff is sent to jail:
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Mrs. Puff: But I don't belong here! This is all a big mistake!
Inmate No.1: Yeah, I don't belong here, either! I'm innocent!
Inmate No.2: Me too!
Inmate No.3: (in a Southern drawl) I belong here!

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    • The ending, where Mrs. Puff keeps waking up to the start of the episode, to the point of Inception levels.
    • When Mrs. Puff is freaking out after seeing SpongeBob and Patrick in disguise, as they walk off and then the real guards show up after hearing her scream.
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Prison Guard No. 1: What the barnacle is going on?!
Mrs. Puff: Get away from me, get away!
Prison Guard No. 1: What are you talking about, Puff?
Mrs. Puff: You can't fool me! You're SpongeBob and that guy who likes the chili! (rips off the guards' faces)

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  • From "One Krabs Trash," wherein Mr. Krabs finds out that a hat he sold to SpongeBob is actually worth an insane amount of money and he tries to get it back.
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Mr. Krabs: Listen, I didn't wanna say this in front of Patrick, but that hat makes you look like a girl.
SpongeBob: [smiling eagerly] Am I a pretty girl?
Mr. Krabs: Oh....um...you're...you're beautiful.
[a mailman gives Mr. Krabs an odd look and walks away]

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    • Later in the same episode, Mr. Krabs is in a graveyard and sees Squidward placing flowers on a grave and weeping. Curious, Mr. Krabs reads what the tombstone says: "Here lies Squidward's hopes and dreams".
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Mr. Krabs: What a baby.

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      • Made even funnier when Squidward sees Mr. Krabs crying because the hat was declared worthless at the end of the episode.
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Squidward: What a baby.

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    • OH MY GOSH!! A FLOATING SHOPPING LIST!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
  • In the episode "New Student Starfish":
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Patrick: 24. [begins giggling, SpongeBob joins in]
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.
Patrick: What?
SpongeBob: I just thought of something funnier than 24.
Patrick: Let me hear it.
SpongeBob: [stifled laughter] 25. [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh hysterically]

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    • Also:
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[While Mrs. Puff is writing on the board and teaching a lesson on "turning"]
[Note lands on SpongeBob's desk. He opens it. It's a comedic drawing of Mrs. Puff with writing beside it that reads "Big Fat Meanie".]
SpongeBob: Big fat meanie?? Patrick, you can't do that! She's the teacher!

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    • Also, when she is by SpongeBob, holding the picture and she looks exactly like the drawing.
      • "As if I really look like this!"
    • The egg hatching into a live-action baby chick at the end of the episode.
    • "Life, death, life, death, life, death!" "Patrick!"
    • The back and forth from Mrs. Puff with the razor that would peel the star off and SpongeBob going crazy.
  • In the episode "Clams", as Krabs raves on about how a crew like SpongeBob and Squidward come along once in a lifetime, the scene shifts to a poorly-drawn SpongeBob and Squidward.
    • Even better, later on as SpongeBob is trying his hand at fishing, Squidward attempts to relax with a book. SpongeBob, unknowingly, hooks the book as he casts, then the chair Squidward was laying on, causing him to flip over. Then this piece occurs:
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Squidward: Hey, watch where you're swinging that...(the hook yanks his shirt off) SpongeBob, be careful with...(the hook gets on his nose...then it suddenly cuts to a far-off distance from the boat as a rip is heard, and Squidward screams painfully.)

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    • After three days of trying to find old "Blue-Lip", the giant clam that ate Krabs's millionth-dollar bill, Squidward decides to deceive him with another dollar bill. However, as Krabs is celebrating, he realizes something's amiss...
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Krabs: Wait a minute...this isn't me millionth dollar. (SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other) This is an ordinary dollar that's been crumpled up, torn slightly, soaked in the lagoon and kissed with Coral Blue Number Two Semi-gloss Lipstick.

SpongeBob: (is now holding a purse and wearing lipstick) Actually, it's Coral Blue Number- (Squidward conks him).

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    • Later, Mr. Krabs refuses to let either the two eat until they get the dollar bill by dumping all the sandwiches from the boat, including the fridge.
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Squidward: (dragging SpongeBob away) Uh, SpongeBob? Can I have a word with you? Have you noticed that Mr. Krabs has gone COMPLETELY INSANE?!
SpongeBob: What do you mean?
Squidward: Just look at him. (cut to Mr. Krabs wearing a funeral veil and mourning in front of a tombstone that reads "R.I.P.: Me Millionth Dollar)
SpongeBob: Squidward, he's lost something near and dear to him. Haven't you-?
Squidward: Look again. (cut back to Mr. Krabs, who begins giggling maniacally and tears his two eyes out, using them as a jumprope

SpongeBob: (now understandably freaked out) You're right. How do we get out of here?

Squidward: If we're real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.

SpongeBob: Okay. (they take a slow step...then proceed to dash for the lifeboat, screaming their heads off)

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    • And when Mr. Krabs is eaten by a giant clam:
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SpongeBob: Poor Mr. Krabs, gone forever out of our lives. Why couldn't it have been me?! (cries)
Squidward: Yes, why couldn't it have been you? (cries)

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  • In the episode "Idiot Box", Squidward gets annoyed when SpongeBob and Patrick use a box for their imaginations. In the first few minutes, this exchange occurs:
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SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick? Patrick! I think we need to keep our voices down! We might start an avalanche!"
Patrick: What?
SpongeBob: I said, I think we should keep our voices down, in case of avalanches!
Patrick: What should we keep down?
Squidward: Morons.
SpongeBob: OUR VOICES!
Squidward: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! (he kicks the box, causing an avalanche inside it)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (screaming, then whimpering)
Squidward: Sponge...bob? (touches box lightly with a tentacle tip; more screaming)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

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    • Also, the conversation that follows, with SpongeBob and Patrick talk about cutting limbs off and Squidward opening the box to find SpongeBob and Patrick okay.
    • The memorial for the brave soldiers who fought on Robot Pirate Island.
    • When the rescue team comes after SpongeBob and Patrick talk about cutting off their limbs.
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Rescuer: This is the rescue team speaking! The saws are on the way!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Hurray!

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  • "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy IV" gives us the lovely classic of "AND HERE COMES THE GIANT FIST!"
    • "AAAAUUUUTOOOOOOOOOOGRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPH!!!!!"
    • Wumbo.
      • "I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me?"
    • Just before SpongeBob bursts through the wall at the beginning of the episode, his form grows out of the metal T-1000 style.
      • "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy?! Must! Get! Autograph!" (flings arms out to grab a pen from a fish's shirt and a piece of paper from outside)
  • "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V" gives us EVIL: Every Villain Is Lemons
    • "I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra!"
    • "Wanna see me run to that mountain and back? ...Ya wanna see me do it again?"
  • "Can You Spare a Dime" has a few:
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SpongeBob: How about I call someone whose job it is to fix it?! Ya know why?!? Cause when I need a job done, I get someone with a job to do that job!!!!!!
Squidward: ...What are you saying?
SpongeBob: [pushes Squidward's bed through a wall and starts running with it] AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

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    • And
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Mr. Krabs: Well the way I see it there are three possiblities, one, you put the dime in me pants, two, you put the dime in me pants, or three, YOU PUT THE DIME IN ME PANTS!

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    • And of course there's "So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one."
  • "Plankton's Army", the scene where Karen pokes fun at Plankton's first name[1] on a blackboard. The first time she types it on the blackboard in green letters and Plankton's cousins laugh. Plankton turns to the board and his name disappears. He continues speaking, but then his name appears again, this time with a big red hand below it pointing at him, making Plankton's cousins laugh again, and it disappears again just as Plankton turns back to look at the board. He resumes speaking, but then his name appears in colorful letters with a colorful arrow pointing at him, making his cousins laugh at him again. It disappears again as Plankton turns to look. Plankton starts to get annoyed and tries to speak further before his name appears on the board with stars, making everyone laugh again and this time, Plankton catches it and unplugs Karen.
  • People Order Our Patties. Or as we like to call it, P.O.O.P.
    • Speaking of poop, there's also The Flying Dutchman demonstrating the "Poop Loop" shoelace trick.

Season Four

  • The post-movie episode "Fear of A Krabby Patty" has Plankton trying to find out the secret formula by pretending to cure SpongeBob's insomnia-induced fear of Krabby Patties. When he tries to get SpongeBob to recognize its ingredients, he pronounces potato and tomato as 'patato' and 'tamato'. Later, Plankton tells SpongeBob to confront his fear by thinking about it and when SpongeBob takes it too far he whips out a piano from nowhere, and Plankton barely has time to lampshade it before you know what happened.
    • "Hey SpongeBob, I heard your brain was sick, so I brought you a cookie pizza. And here's some chocolate milk."
    • SpongeBob's face after being overworked (just before he starts hallucinating Mr. Krabs as a giant Krabby Patty, which is a CMOF in of itself) is absolutely priceless.
    • The Tiredness Montage. We see a view of the ocean island, changing between night and day as images of Mr. Krabs announcing the day, Plankton schemeing, and SpongeBob working. However, during it, an image of confused Old Man Jenkins floats by randomly, saying "Wait, what's going on? Whoa, whoa!"
    • "Hey, where'd you get that piano?"
    • "That's what I thought you said. Now let me offer this as a rebuttal: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
    • Later, Plankton attempts to use hypnosis to get SpongeBob to tell him the Krabby Patty secret formula. Unfortunately (for him), he can't get SpongeBob to wake up, even after shouting and using cymbals and loudspeakers. Plankton runs himself dry, and goes "What else is loud and obnoxious?" He pulls out a cell phone with the ring tone playing.
    • "Spongebob, I think you need to see a professional." "Wrestler?"
  • 'The Lost Mattress' has the Running Gag of Mr. Krabs being relocated to far less comfortable locations. (From the hospital room to the hallway, then just outside the hospital, and finally pushed down to hill to where his mattress is thrown out.)
  • 'Have You Seen This Snail?'
    • The 'Dirty Bubble' becoming a paddleball champion, which is odd, considering he's a bubble.
    • While SpongeBob and Patrick were looking for Gary:
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Squidward: (taking a bath) What are those neanderthals up to? Don't they know that I'm busy spoiling myself? (SpongeBob and Patrick barge in his bathroom) AAAHHH!!! AAAHHHH!!! AAAHHH!!! (pants)

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    • This scene:
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Patrick: (SpongeBob is sky-writing "Gary, come home!") I want peanuts. (Presses a button)
SpongeBob: PAT, NO! (both scream as the plane flies out of control, erasing the message and creating one that says "Lisa, will you marry me?" as a fish couple sees the message)
Girlfriend/Wife: Who is this "Lisa" person?
Boyfriend/Husband: What? (Girlfriend/Wife slaps him)

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    • While Patrick is comforting SpongeBob after failing to find Gary:
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Patrick: (Patrick is comforting SpongeBob) Just let it all out buddy, that's it.
SpongeBob: I can't cry any more, Patrick. When Gary left, he took all my tears with him.
Patrick: Did you just say Gary? SpongeBob, I just remembered! Earlier today at the craft store, I SAW...these huge chunks of balsa wood, they were awesome!

SpongeBob: Gary loved balsa wood! (starts crying)

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  • From 'Dunces And Dragons':
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Guard: Right this way.
SpongeBob: Excuse me, my good man, but I believeth you meanteth to say, "Righteth this way-eth!" (giggles)

Guard: (holds his spear up to his throat, gulps, and then puts it down) Someday, but not today.

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    • This small dialogue:
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SpongeBob: (to Medieval Sandy) I must fulfill the prophecy while you untie Patrick and the royal doofus!
Squidly: That be royal fool.

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    • Also Squidly cursing his great, great grandson. Take a guess who that grandson is.
  • From 'Krusty Towers':
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Squidward: (lifting Patrick's suitcases) Patrick...what's in these bags, rocks?
[the suitcase falls open to reveal they are rocks]
Squidward: Hey, these are rocks! Why is your suitcase full of rocks?
Patrick: I don't tell you how to live your life!

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Patrick: I would like a Krabby Patty and one room. With cheese! Oh, and can I get cheese on the Krabby Patty too?
(later)
SpongeBob: Sorry Mr. Krabs! We were all outta cheese.
Patrick: (in a cheese-covered room) HOORAY!!!

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  • In "Mrs. Puff, You're Fired", a representative from the BSTAB has reminded Mrs. Puff of her unusual amount of failings in her classroom. Mrs. Puff retorts and says that only one student has failed her class (SpongeBob) and the representative tells her that he failed the test approximately 1,258,056 times, while showing a folder where the failed files of SpongeBob are shown. He flips them over and the pictures of SpongeBob are shown laughing.
    • After Mrs. Puff is fired, she is enjoying a scenery while painting. She quickly notices the boat and attempts to paint something really quick. When the boat runs into her, the painting is shown to be SpongeBob, the instructor and Mr. Fits fearing for their lives.
  • From the episode "Wishing You Well" when SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward are stuck at the bottom of the well, we have this exchange:
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Squidward: (to Patrick) Could you not stand so close to me? You're making me claustrophobic.
Patrick: What does 'claustrophobic' mean?
SpongeBob: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.
Squidward: No it doesn't!
Patrick: (waving arms) HO HO HO!!!
SpongeBob: Stop it, Patrick! You're scaring him!

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  • "Selling Out": Mr. Krabs gets so bored with his retirement that he goes out to play golf. Then he stops in the middle of the game, saying to himself "Wait a minute...I hate golf!"
  • In the Episode Born To be Wild, Spongebob says he has to take the 'shortcut' to the Krusty Krab. The shortcut is the bubbles they use to change scenes. Mr. Krabs' reaction to Spongebob suddenly being there is priceless.
  • YMMV, but in the episode, Good Neighbors, Squidward blowing up at SpongeBob and Patrick.
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Squidward: (opens the door) Alright, you two! OUT! (SpongeBob and Patrick slowly walk out) And don't even think about dragging your empty skulls around here for the rest of the day, or tomorrow, or next week!
SpongeBob: Squidward, does that include-
Squidward: YES, IT DOES! (slams door)
SpongeBob: Gee, Patrick, do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something?
Squidward: (bursts head through door) YES, I WAS! You call yourselves good neighbors?! You're the worst neighbors ever! (deep breath) You don't deserve to wear those fezzes! (takes SpongeBob's and Patrick's fezzes off, flings them onto the ground and stomps on them)
SpongeBob: Gee, Pat, maybe President Squidward's right.
Patrick: Yeah, I guess we're not good neighbors after all.
Squidward: NO, YOU AREN'T! YOU'RE HORRIBLE NEIGHBORS! (deep breath) AND STOP CALLING ME PRESIDENT!

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Season Five

  • Krabs flipping out over his thermostat in "Krabs à la Mode", just going to show how cheap he is.
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Mr. Krabs: WHOOOOOOO! TOUUUUUCHED! MEEEE! THEROMSTAAAAAT!!

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  • "The Two Faces of Squidward".
    • And, from that episode, the classic Brick Joke:
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Flying Fish Oh no, my shoe's untied! (shoe falls)
SpongeBob (much later) Squidward, look out for that falling shoe!

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  • Patrick's EPIC song in "Sing A Song of Patrick".
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Singer: Twinkle Twinkle Patrick Star, I made myself a sandwich. My mommy named it Fred. It tastes like beans and bacon, and smells like its been dead! Writing stuff is hard, so I use a pointy pencil pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point! P.U. what's that horrible smell? I have a head, it ends with a point, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point. This song is over, except for this line. You win this round, BROCCOLI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    • And just WHAT happened to the band that recorded it?
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Guitarist: Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A-one, a-two, and a- (cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried)

Cemetery Manager: (grave voice) They wanted you to have this. (gives Patrick the CD of his song)

Patrick: My song!

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    • This moment:
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Man: This song reminds me of you.
Song: ...P.U. whats that horrible smell? (woman hits man)

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  • From "Atlantis Squarepantis", Plankton unleashing his wrath via a stolen Atlantean tank, only to find it had long ago been modified to only shoot...well, as a delighted Patrick puts it, "Plankton's wrath tastes like ice cream!".

Season Six

  • Another Post Movie episode, The Krabby Khronicle has a funny moment. In the episode, SpongeBob makes a news story about Patrick standing next to a pole. Mr. Krabs changes it so it says Patrick married the pole. This is funny enough, but at the end of the episode, Patrick shows up in a tuxedo with the you-know-what...
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Patrick: Hey, can you fix me and the wife up with a couple of Krabby Patties?

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  • From another more recent episode: the scene in "SpongeBob Vs. The Big One" where we find out that Davy Jones' locker is guarded by the REAL Davy Jones, complete with "Daydream Believer" in the background!
  • "Krabby Road": Remember kids, Patrick can play a mean belly.
  • SpongeBob's plan to get Squidward back in his secret club in the 'Cephalopod Lodge': Pretending to be an eel (which is the mortal enemy of the cephalopods) by dressing up in a giant live-action sock, scare the members, have Squidward "defeat" them, and the members will hail Squidward as a hero and return him in the club. It works, but just as they were celebrating, SpongeBob and Patrick join along, while still wearing the live-action sock, which they take off, revealing the whole plan, causing all three of them to get kicked out again.
    • Their initiation in their own secret club.
    • When SpongeBob and Patrick are talking to Squidward while they're in the sock outside of the club. Not only does the sock look real, which makes it funny in the cartoon enviorment, but they move the sock's "mouth" when they talk.
  • The episode House Fancy, in which SpongeBob accidentally rips off Squidward's toenail. Who cares if some people think it's Squick or Nightmare Fuel, it's still hilarious.
    • How about the death of the toilet?
  • The alternate versions of the theme song in "Truth Or Square".
  • Sand Castles in the Sand is pretty funny in itself. It starts out with SpongeBob and Patrick knocking their sand castles down, but it turns into a full-fledged war with armies, knights, warriors, cannons, giant mechas, fighter jets, and nuclear bombs...all made out of sand.
  • The soda commercial. Non Sequitur Scene, to boot.
    • Ultimate Patrick Stupidity: "Those hip YOUNG OLD folks on the soda commercials!"
  • "Gullible Pants", Your Mileage May Vary on the post-movie episodes but around the ending, where SpongeBob is doing a creepy dance, scaring the customers.
  • The episode "Not Normal", where SpongeBob learns to become normal after being convinced by Squidward that he isn't. He turns into a dull, round, hole-less version of himself without buck teeth, sitting in an office cubicle in place of his grill and making Krabby Patties via computer.
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SpongeBob: (in a calm voice) Hi, how are ya?

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  • This bit from "The Clash Of Triton"
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Neptune: I realized there was only one last resort
(Cut to a real life beach resort)
Neptune: Not that Resort!

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  • Three Words: Chum Is Fum.
    • Your potty has a shocky thing in it.

Season Seven

  • In "I Heart Dancing", when SpongeBob shows Squidward his dance, Squidward walks away and tells him it's the worst dance he's ever seen. SpongeBob responds by saying "Who put you on the planet? UGH!" It's much funnier than it sounds.
  • The ending of Back To The Past. Time-travel induced Mind Screw doesn't begin to cover it. Even Man-Ray needs to sit down in confusion regarding all of the randomly-appearing time machines, several containing their own mini-CMOFs such as one forming in mid air and Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy stepping out and falling.
    • The Graves.
  • This from "That Sinking Feeling"
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Patrick: No need to thank us, Squidward.
Squidward: THANK YOU?!!!
Patrick: You're welcome.

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    • How about...
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Squidward's house sinks down to where SpongeBob and Patrick are playing
Patrick: Squidward's house wants to play too!

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  • The episode "You Don't Know Sponge" has one in the beginning when Patrick imitates the sound of a whale, getting the attention of another whale.
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Whale: Huh? Did you hear that?
Fish: What's wrong Frank?
Frank:That song. It sounds just like Martha.
Fish: Frank, how many times do I have to tell you? Martha's no good for you. She's just no good!

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    • Another one in said episode has SpongeBob asking Patrick if he knew if SpongeBob was a boy or a girl. He didn't know.
  • How about Patrick Not-Star
  • In "Sponge-cano!" Those singing garbage monsters. And the dolphin. And the sacrifice at the end.
  • This from the mystery episode.
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Plankton: I ain't no pushover!
(Patrick throws popcorn at him causing him to fall)
Plankton: Aah!

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    • Not to mention this gem:
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SpongeBob: Patrick! Call the cops!
Patrick: *sticks his head out the window* COPS! I need you!

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  • SpongeBob's Last Stand: The song, the return of Fum is Chum, and SpongeBob being stupid enough to forget Sandy's last name.
  • "A Pal For Gary" may be a let-down, but SpongeBob getting enchiladas may be the only good part.
  • Sandy getting the last laugh at the end of "Perfect Chemistry".
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Sandy: You can't fool a squirrel from Texas! Hahahahaha...mwahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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  • YMMV, but this troper found Squidward's Spit Take fail in "Tentacle-Vision" hilarious.

Season Eight

  • The Secret Origin of Mermaid Man. End of discussion.
    • To elaborate, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy gets hit by a variety of things that should mutate, if not kill regular people. But what ultimately turns them into what they are is overcooked popcorn.
  • "Plankton's Good Eye": How Spongebob apparently sees the world. Explains a lot, doesn't it?
  • At the end of Treats!, Patrick eats the last known box of Snail Bites, and starts meowing very loud like a snail. There are quite a few humorous scenes in this episode, like when Patrick pretends to be a snail, and the commercial at the beginning.
    • And Gary acting crazy over the Snail Bites. In fact, when SpongeBob is heading out the door to go to work, Gary is blocking the way, looking absolutely demented and holding the empty box of Snail Bites. SpongeBob tries to open the door and Gary snarls each time he tries.
  • Fiasco in both of his episodes (Are You Happy Now? and Fiasco!).
  • SpongeBob dropping Squidward into the deep fryer, causing him to come out as a giant crispy nugget.
  • From Drive Thru:
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Squidward: Spongebob, 2 large, 2 medium, I hate my job..

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  • The donut from "Ghoul Fools". While in the void, Patrick's form of torture is a donut who is stuck far up on his head, and Patrick cannot reach it. The donut asks what flavor Patrick would like him to be, and then..
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  • after many changes of what Patrick wants the donut to be*

Patrick: I'll have..a plain donut!
Donut: NOOOOOO!!!

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  • Patrick's office dream from "Home Sweet Rubble".

  1. Sheldon