Star Wars: The Old Republic/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Humor of a more civilized age...

General

Graham: "Listen to Not-Alec-Guiness and run to the Not-Millenium-Falcon and join Not-Han-Solo!"

  • In a mission on Hutta, you end up in a dispute between two smugglers.

Smuggler 1:Keep it up and I'll make you eat your eyeballs.
Smuggler 2: That's disgusting! You people are crazy!
PC: I thought you said you wouldn't kill him.
Smuggler 1: He'll live, he'll just be blind with a bad case of indigestion.

  • On Ord Mantell, you can report a couple of soldiers to a Republic ethics officer for letting refugees run a minefield as an "obstacle course" and betting on the results. The officer protests that he shut the gambling ring down weeks ago, providing an opportunity for priceless snark:

PC: Nope. Refugees blowing up everywhere.

Customer: This droid you sold me is a hunk of junk! I want a refund!
Jawa Vendor: No refunds!
Customer: Come on, the thing's vocabulator went out within 20 minutes of my getting home!
Jawa Vendor: Vocabulator not broken! Is feature!

Customer: How is that a feature? Honestly, what good is a protocol droid that can't even talk?

  • On encountering a battered security agent:

Officer Anstiss: I'm seeing double, but you both look as you can handle yourself.

  • In Nem'ro's palace, one of the background conversations is a guy bragging to a girl about how he's a rising star in Nem'ro's organization, with her only giving a rather bored sounding "Uh-huh" response.
    • There's also a little Mythology Gag in the palace cantina involving a Wookiee and a gold protical droid playing a board game. Incidentally, the droid did not let the Wookiee win.
  • A reoccurring, but not overly common, bug causes an NPC during a cutscene to appear to be less than a foot tall. Can be made funnier if it happens to be somebody trying to intimidating, or Jedi Master Satele Shan leading the council when you can't even see her in her chair.
  • Some of the later droid drops include vendor trash called an "Apathy Unit."
  • The loading screen will sometimes tell you that "During space combat, press the SPACEBAR to do a barrel roll!"
  • During their stay on Taris, Republic characters will run into Co'overma and her assistant Liefer. The quest to aid them in their valiant efforts to save the poor, innocent endangered nexu is short and easy, but the dialogue is pure gold.

Co'overma: I am the voice of the voiceless, protector of the nexu, the most beautiful, intelligent, adaptable-
Liefer: Giant, droooling cat monsters with big pointy spikes...

  • All the classes regenerate health by performing a specifc, in-character ability for them, no matter how absurd the injury. This means characters can jump off 4-story balconies, then mend their shattered bones by reloading, thinking hard, pacing in frustration, or shooting a coin. You can literally Walk It Off.
    • It gets better: As of 1.2, lingering damage-over-time effects no longer interrupt your healing. This means it's entirely possible to be calmly meditating while on fire.
  • Doctor Olkav, a quest giver for Imperials on Voss, has to take care of a Deranged Imperial trooper named Lem. During the quest giving conversation, the deranged trooper will mimic the doctor's hand motions in the background.
  • While dealing with a Pirate doctor:

Doctor Ryamn: No, the stuff is down there. I swear on my medical licence. The real one.

    • If the PC agrees to leave Dr. Ryamn his batch of rakghoul serum and go looking for the alternate source he promises is there, he eventually sends an email titled "Doctor Death's Claw Says Hi," which begins thusly:

Remember that time you shot your way into a Death's Claw pirate camp and met the local medic? Remember how he convinced you not to subject his patients to a horrible rakghoul-y death by stealing his vaccine supply?
That was me. How's things with you?

  • At one of the Republic bases on Hoth, two soldiers discuss the food that the Ortolans have been making. One prefers to stick to his field rations, while the other loved "Taun-Taun stew", and is looking forward to eating Wampa... if only to return the favor.
  • On Ord Mantell, the PC can encounter Lamalla Rann, a gleefully amoral reporter who asks them to find and retrieve the footage shot by her assistant Waxx. The whole sidequest is an exercise in "what the hell is wrong with you?" comedy, especially when, after the PC reports back to a completely unsurprised Lamalla that her assistant has joined the separatist cause, Lamalla drops this gem:

Lamalla: Once when we were on Tatooine he ran off and lived with the Jawas for two weeks. Said they were his spiritual kin.

    • His over-the-top enthusiasm extoling the virtues of the sepratists is full Face Palm territory.
    • As you finish up, Lamalla cheerfully informs you that if you get wounded, she'll do a story on you.
    • Another priceless line from Lamalla if the PC responds positively to the prospect of being bribed:

Lamalla: Fantastic! Good to see someone with the complete lack of scruples needed to protect justice and freedom in the Republic!

PC: Well, I could kind of go for a Nerf burger. Does that count?

  • More on the quest to contract the rakghoul plague. The doctor tells you what she has in mind after you bring her some three-hundred-year-old serum which was effective against the plague back then but which, unfortunately isn't enough by itself to immunize against the mutated virus. She does, however, speculate that an extraordinarily healthy individual protected by the serum might be able to produce antibodies that can be used to create an effective vaccine. If the PC realizes where she's going and chooses to say "Uh-oh," the doctor will elaborate: she's looking for the kind of extraordinarily healthy individual who gets stabbed, shot, bitten, mauled, burned, etc. almost to the point of death on a daily basis and not only survives it, but heals up very fast until they're good as new and goes right back to doing what they were doing before! And then, when you reluctantly agree to it, she tells you to get out there, find a rakghoul, and get it to bite you. No, she doesn't have the virus in a needle, sorry.


Jedi Knight Storyline

  • If you pursue the Jedi Knight romance path with Kira, she actually researches marriage amongst the Jedi. Her findings are... not encouraging.
  • A romance with Doc is similarly amusing when marriage comes up. The proposal is hilariously awkward at first, and then, when the Jedi Knight accepts, he yells out that things are a go... and out of nowhere comes a protocol droid authorized to marry them. One of the possible responses is a literal "where the hell did you come from?" moment. Apparently, it's been on the very small ship for weeks without anyone noticing.
  • Kaliyo makes a cameo while Doc goes off to heal Nem'ro the Hutt. Doc's paying her to be his hostage in case Nem'ro decides to keep him - apparently, they're old friends. And she gives the female Jedi Knight romance advice, of a sort.

Kaliyo: Every girl is allowed one indiscretion. Doc counts as two.

  • After completing the Jedi Knight class quest on Nar Shaddaa, which culminates in your killing a Sith Lord, you get a letter in the mailbox... from a rival Sith, thanking you for paring down the competition.
  • When facing Lord Nefarid, basically a Sith Assassin who is all about being sneaky and invisible, you are given the option to say "I don't need to see you. I can smell you."


Jedi Consular Storyline

  • The Jedi Consular doesn't get many of these, as they have an extremely low-key and deadpan sense of humor. This makes the infiltration of the Imperial Facility on Nar Shaddaa even funnier, as they will suddenly come out with a outrageous British accent and start throwing their weight around like a stereotypical Sith Lord. This comes totally from nowhere, and most amazingly actually works.
  • After boarding Lord Vivicar's ship using your own, and cutting your way through some of his guards, he communicates to you while you're hacking a door. I don't have the exact quote, but his line is something like "I sensed your presense the moment you came onboard", and the Consular's somewhat snarky reply is "The starship that just docked didn't give it away?". Snarky-humor consular is a possible playstyle.
  • When you are first introduced to the Trandoshan, Qyzen Fess, in the Jedi Temple you can say you're honoured to meet him. Or you can ask if he's also a Jedi. Or you can just throw tact to the wind and respond like this:

Master Yuon Par: Padawan, come in. This is Qyzen Fess, an old friend. He's here on a hunting expedition, a sacred Trandoshan tradition.
You: It's a freaky giant lizard.


Trooper Storyline

  • During a mission on Taris, you can flirt with Elara Dorne, ans she will answer like this:

Elara: Lieutenant,flirting with me goes against regulation XX-00.
Jorgan: I think that's a "No", sir.

  • For one mission on Tattooine, you're protecting victims of a bombing attack from more bomb-carrying protocol droids. However, they swarm you 5 at a time, and explode quickly enough that it's nearly impossible to kill them all, all while greeting you and asking how they can help. The blast will also send you flying dozens of feet each, leading to the player being tossed like a ragdoll. What's best is that after waiting to be revived, you can talk to the people who you just exploded next to, who will thank you for protecting them.


Smuggler Storyline

  • The smuggler's very first class quest sets the tone for the adventure to come. A separatist targeting computer needs to be shut down, but resists attempts at finesse. What does our hero do? Channel pure Han Solo and shoot the thing, of course. The scene is entirely silent, but the character's body language says it all.
  • After breaking into a separatist base, killing all the guards and hacking into their computer, you are discovered by a lone guard and his droid. Cue the Smuggler's shock and terror at the thought of a dangerous republic spy inside the base, and insistence that the guard should go and sound the alarm immediately! Hilariously you are even able to convince him that his droid's deadpan insistence that there’s something odd about you is due to him being faulty, and that he should get him down to maintenance immediately.
  • In a similar vein, during the Nar Shaddaa storyline, you confront a member of an Animal Wrongs Group looking for a rare beast that they stole/"liberated" from a Hutt. After shooting your way through about a dozen of her goons, you can tell her that "This was all just a terrible misunderstanding." She immediately jumps to the conclusion that you were the one her superior had hired to transport the beast offworld, and hands over a holorecording with information about where they took said beast. Her sudden change in tone is what really sells this scene.
  • Smuggler hilarity is encapsulated in a single attack: Dirty Kick.
  • Corso starts talking about happier times, before all the problems the smuggler and he go through, and this pearl is part of the conversation:

Corso Riggs: Ah, for Ord Mantell. Where separatists were bad and guns were good, and we could just run in shooting.
Smuggler: If you haven't noticed we didn't really dropped the shooting. Or the running.

  • When you are invited to be part of space missions this pearl comes out of the Smuggler's mouth:

Smuggler:I wanna be "Crackerjack!" No wait that sounded better in my head. Wait I want to be "Ace"!

  • A dingbat freighter captain (and ex-girlfriend of Skavak) discovers that her nifty little ray shield only has a few minutes of operation on battery. Naturally it fails right after this is pointed out to her.

Smuggler: Aahhh... the manual have too many big words for you?

  • A male smuggler is asked to rescue a wayward daughter (who fancies herself a spy):

Smuggler: Rescuing damsels in distress is my specialty. She is a damsel, right?

  • During a quest:

Scientist: I'll make sure you're amply compensated!
Smuggler: "Amply compensated" is my middle name.
Scientist: Your parents must have been fascinating people.

  • When accused of smuggling:

Smuggler: I sincerely have absolutely no idea what you're talking about- honest.

  • A female Smuggler will get quite a few giggles out of hitting on anything even vaguely male, simply for the hilarity that is a fluffed-up and indignant Corso ("I can swoon! You never said you wanted me to swoon!").
  • During the Esseles, when the final boss approaches, if a Jedi gets the first word in and the Sith foams at the mouth at the opportunity, your Smugglers gets the opportunity to deliver this line:

Smuggler: If you just want my friend here, I'll... just be going then.


Sith Warrior Storyline

  • Trying (and failing!) to bluff your way through the Sith code the first time you meet Darth Baras.

Sith Warrior: Uhm. There's the light side, the dark side and stuff in the middle.

  • During one of Vette's own missions, you are searching for her sister on Nar Shaddaa. There you meet a Twi'lek dancer and the Sith Warrior can answer this when she questions if Vette is searching for work:

Sith Warrior: I would look fantastic in your outfit! Am I hired?".

  • During a 3-way confrontation between you and 2 groups of bandits trying to make off with a man frozen in carbonite, you can end the confrontation peacefully, by threatening to kill them all and eat them.

Sith Warrior: I'M GONNA KILL YOU AND EAT YOU ALL RAW!".
 One of the bandits: Do you really mean to eat us if you kill us?".
 Sith Warrior: Sure! Don't you eat what you kill?".

Darth Baras: RAAAAAAGH! I cannot break him!
Sith Apprentice: Is there some problem here?
Darth Baras: Who would ask such a stupid question?! Clearly, there's a problem here!
Or...
Sith Apprentice: I feel your anger, master.
Darth Baras: A blind, deaf, comatose lobotomy patient could feel my anger!
Vette: Okay, I'm officially scared.


Sith Inquisitor Storyline

  • The Sith Inquisitor gets many, many options for snarkery in their prologue alone, especially when it comes to cheerfully pissing off Harkun and Ffon at every turn. Not to mention using Khem Val's mere presence to scare other Force-users into submission. Expect many dialogue options on the theme, "Khem, can you eat him?" You get to pull this on a freakin' Dark Lord practically the first thing you do after leaving Korriban - that he doesn't kill you on the spot is rather sporting of him.
    • Khem's response to the Inquisitor's question is just as priceless:

Khem:It is more machine than man. I think. Bad for the digestion.

  • At one point in the Inquisitor storyline, Inquisitors can respond with a truly bizarre sounding "I love surprises! :D". It's hard to tell if his sheer enthusiasm is sarcastic or heartfelt, given the circumstances.
    • S/he can have a similar reaction when told s/he's going after a pirate.
  • Gyl Rosen, beginning to end. Toward the end of Chapter 1 Kallig sends you to recover his lightsaber, which has fallen into this Nar Shaddaa gangster's hands. After seeing you slaughter your way through his hideout, Master Rosen decides the best course of action is to stand his ground, and attempt to intimidate and blackmail you. Three guesses how that works out for him.
  • Eventually, you reach your much-anticipated final showdown with Thanaton on Corellia - only to have him run away once you beat him. Your companions will have an opinion on this. Talos is, as always...special.

Talos: He's running away. That can't be a legal move!

  • Khem Val is probably the last companion you'd expect to have one of these. But, enter the Cantina on Tatooine, and he'll sometimes say 'I have an excellent sabacc face. That was a joke. I hate sabacc.'. A joke coming from him is so unexpected that it's hilarious.
  • In the prologue one of your missions is torturing information out of an Acolyte. If you electrocute him he'll agree to anything if you'll stop. One of your choices: Make him sing. Then shock him to make him sing louder.


Bounty Hunter Storyline

  • The Bounty Hunter mocking a Jedi Knight who tries to use Jedi Mind Trick on him.

Jedi Knight: You will drop your weapons and surrender to me.
Bounty Hunter: [glances at his partner, then imitates the Jedi Mind Trick] You will realize what a complete idiot you are.

  • Towards the end of act two, when get the ten million credit bounty placed on your head, your crew is rightly concerned. Which is when Mako takes the time to remind you exactly how bad the situation is.

[[spoiler:Mako: "They're offering a ten million credit bounty for your capture."
Bounty Hunter: "Mom would be proud.]]

    • Made even better by the fact that Blizz is going on in the background about how you can hide out with a Jawa tribe.
  • Blizz's enthusiasm and child-like curiosity make him a gold mine of funny:

Bounty Hunter: I'll keep Blizz out of your hair.
Blizz: Aw, Blizz like Mako's hair! Blizz no get to touch?

  • The Supreme Chancellor is voiced by Robert Clotworthy, who also voiced Jim Raynor. Now, he calls the Bounty Hunter a threat to all the republic and consider him the Republic's Most Wanted. The entire third act of the Bounty Hunter is him going under and seeking to get to the Supreme Chancellor, making even funnier is the fact that the only companion that you get in this act is voiced by the same person that voices Tychus Findlay. Anyone who knows anything about StarCraft lore knows how bizarrely funny this is.


Imperial Agent Storyline

  • Not so much a story moment, but definitely something restricted to the IA: At one point, you must disguise yourself as a droid with some holographic projector implants. The sequence lasts all of a few minutes, and yet the droid character model is perfectly capable of many of the normal player actions, such as dancing, flexing, cowering, and belching.
  • On Taris, the Agent needs to find Doctor Ianna Cel, a scientist hold up in an abandoned lab that they've arranged a meeting with. When they do, Ianna bursts out of her hiding spot, trying to shoot them. All of her point blank shots miss as the Agent informs her they're the ones she's supposed to be meeting. And the last stray shot even blows up a droid in the background. All of this while the Agent continues talking, unperturbed.
    • The whole scene is actually rather humorous, as Ianna reveals she survived on things even the Rakhgouls won't eat, and Doctor Lokin reveals he's totally been following you all along without so much as missing a step, then suggests, quite happily, a plan that puts his own life in danger.
  • One of Doctor Lokin's random lines is: "I have a confession to make- my qualifications as a medical doctor have... lapsed."
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