Steven Wright/Quotes
Hermits have no peer pressure. |
Every time I think about the past it brings back memories. |
I used to work in the factory where they make hydrants. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. |
In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "ok, then forget it". |
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. |
Today I went down to the Hare Krishna temple to try and sell them some airline tickets. |
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it was, he did, and I said, "No further questions." |
I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy. |
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. |
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns... behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk. |
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" |
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here." |
I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, "Is Joey there?" The woman says "Yes." I said, "May I speak to him please?" She said, "No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old." I said, "All right, I'll wait." |
When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. |
I have a hobby... I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. |
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." |
My school colors were clear. |
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger? |
You know how you stick a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I don't take baths. |
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. |
I went to the movies, and the prices were adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl." |
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. |
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... "Boy With Pail"... "Kitten On Fire". |
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. |
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"... |
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone. It had no five on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My phone has no five." He said, "That's really weird. How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no sevens." |
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! |
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious. |
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. |
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. |
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. |
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. |
The other day I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. |
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. |
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. |
In Las Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. |
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller. |
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. |
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. |
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. |
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? |
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. |
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D. |
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird. |
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend. |
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. |
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place. |
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said "Hi," and she said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said, "Yeah, I guess." I said, "What do you mean 'you guess'?" She said "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you, I don't even know you." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane." I said, "Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein." |