Sweet Jade and Hella John/Recap
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Recap One
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-- ACT ONE: THE GATEWAY TO MADNESS --
[i]Sweet Jade and Hella John[/i] begins with John Egbert and Jade Harley in the former's house, with him suggesting that they should be Mario and Luigi respectivley.
-- MARIO INTERMISSION --
--- INTERMISSION ACT ONE: WARPING TO THE WARP ZONE ---
John and Jade's first action after donning their new Mario costumes (although Jade's, in her default sprite, looks like Homer Simpson with a poorly recolored shirt) is for Jade to uncaptchalouge a large yellow ship. They ride it from the window of John's house, which has been transported into World 1-1, through the window of Hank Hill's house. This makes Hank Hill quite angry and lands him a spot as one of John's (and Jade's) enemies.
While still flying through Hank's house, Jade explains the bare basics of the game. Bowser is dead (this wasn't said by Jade but rather stated directly by the narrator), and instead the duo has to fight one "[color=maroon]The Evil[/color]" who has kidnapped [color=magenta]the Princess[/color], and then the [color=magenta]Princess[/color] will give to the a [color=blue]kiss[/color] for saving them. Jade also explains that a certain white texted fellow gave her some of this information, and that the reason why they just trashed Hank's house was because they were trying to get to a hidden portal leading to a warp zone in order to skip the game. While flying, a Yoshi egg is sedificated on the ship from an unknown source. John, after a brief vote from the suggestions, rides the Yoshi, while a lonley Jade decides to read her magazine [i]Boobs[/i]. It is around this point that the ship enters the portal, and ends up in a black void leading to an exclusive Warp Zone area. However, the actual trip to the zone from here takes three hours. During this time Jade attempts to cook the egg that the Yoshi watched in and John somehow gets the egg under the ship, setting them both ablaze. John fumbles around his sylladex trying to get out a bucket of water. However, only being able to take out what's on the first card (also the last item put in, meaning his has a First in, Last Out system of FILO), he holds the first item, a laxative, out on his hand. Before he can put it down, Yoshi eats it, and also sets the ship on crap as well. A combination of this and the fire makes it start to lose control.
Meanwhile, the three hours have nearly passed, and Jade suffers a nosebleed (also the only time in the comic that blood is colored dark red instead of red; that was due to an error) and flies off the ship. To prevent her magazine from getting destroyed in the fire or from losing it, she captchalogues it, and gets punched by the card due to her modus. This modus in question is said to be very usefull, with some of its skills being demonstrated later on in Intermission Act Three. Jade goes flying off, and John starts to lose control of the ship, but he finally arives at the Warp Zone and must crash the ship somewhere.
It is then that the rest of the planets are revealed:
[list] [*] World 1: The grass world. [*] World 2: The desert world. [*] World 3: The beach/ocean world. [*] World 4: The sky world. [*] World 5: The cave world. [*] World 6: The forest world. [*] World 7: The ice world. [*] World 8: The lava world. (Mistakenly reffered to as "Hell," even though that's a different location entirley. More of that later.) [/list]
--- INTERMISSION ACT TWO: TRECKING THE EIGHT PLANETS ---
SPLIT: EVENTS FROM JOHN'S PERSPECTIVE
The Yellow Ship crashlands in the ice world. While on the penultimate planet John and Yoshi encounter Nepeta, who had fallen from a prank done by Vriska. The duo quickly adds her to their party. They then meet Dirk, who was playing an immersive Zelda game as John and Jade are playing an emmersive Mario game. Dirk is added to the party as well.
While messing around with the options, John deliberatley disobeys an order from Jade and clicks "Check Quarterly Earnings," which triggers a dating minigame between him and the next person in line on the party menu. In this case, Nepeta, as John has combined himself with Yoshi so that he can ride on him, as a way to get around the "only three people can fight at a time" rule. The first stage of the date is interrupted when a creepy baby doll head, soon revealed to be created by Gamzee as per a request from Hank Hill in an attempt of revenge for the window incident, chases them away from the restaurant. They meet another foe in the second part of the date, the movies, when Yoshi's evil twin who was still in the egg when John cooked it, wandered around the planet for revenge. Evil Yoshi was just about to shoot fire breath at the two dating kids when John and Nepeta confess their love, kiss, and end the date. They are then teleported back to the main section of the planet. This fire ignites the threater.
Not far into World 7-1 the group of four come across a wereworf (Captain from [i]Hellsing[/i]) with a yellow "9" hat, and John is pestered by one hellishHuntress (HH). HH, who also speaks without typoes, gives John an unusual warning about fighting Captain. After Captain simply leaves to look for a hidden ship with treasure, the group comes across a pit. John and Good Yoshi, whom are still in their "combined" riding formation, attempt to jump over, but it turns out there was an invisible coin block there. John sacrifices Good Yoshi by jumping off of him in order to get to the other end of the pit, only to find out that the pit wasn't that deep. He then trys to get Good Yoshi out by getting a whistle for him to call for help, but it was a warp whistle, which warps Good Yoshi to World 8-4.
It is not long after this point that Jade joins them.
SPLIT: EVENTS FROM JADE'S PERSPECTIVE
Jade lands on Vriska, having landed in Troll Town, an area not a part of the eight other worlds. After calling an ambulance to get Vriska off to the hospital, Jade explores the twelve hives of the trolls hanging out over there. She soon meets Karkat, who tells her that he needs to be in a part of a duel against a trol (a rival race to trolls) named Anger Crabman. It turns out that this duel is one of a Yu-Gi-Oh CCG match, and Karkat hid a powerful card in Nepeta's new hive. They enter the hive, only to find that it's appearantly haunted. They find the card, but are met with a Waterwraith (a creature from the [i]Pikmin[/i] series) with an orange "13" hat. Like John, Jade is also pestered by the mysterious HH. She tells her to run away from the Waterwraith. Her and Karkat do so, and make it outside, albeit still being chased by the creature. Karkat salts the Waterwraith and drinks it to try to stop it. The first doesn't appear to do anything, but the second causes Karkat to pass out and undergo hysteria. Confused, Jade opens a memo, eventually getting advice from Gamzee to try to negate the effects of the Wraterwraith's plasma with some supor slime. This only works long enough to keep Karkat going through the duel match.
With this all settled, at least for now, Karkat directs Jade to what he thinks is the pipe leading to World 8-4. Instead, Jade is warped one-way to World 1-1. Infuriated at his mistake, Jade gives a strong hate message to Karkat before quickly navigating to World 7-1 and catching up with John's team.
SPLIT: EVENTS FROM OTHER PERSPECITVES
Vriska is escorted to a hospital where her Doctor proposes a way to fix her broker legs, but before he can do the operation he is stabbed by Hank Hill. It is then revealed that the Doctor is a member of a mysterious group of corrupt people known as the Millennium. Vriska, strongly dissapointed, leaves the place in a wheelchair only to find Tavros right outside. Vriska then reveals that she made a karma list and wants Tavros to help her fix everything on it. They attempt to do their first item, Vriska paralysing Tavros (the item in question was added onto the list by Tavros himself), by trying to revive the Doctor and get genetic engineering operation on both of them. They attempt to go to World 8 for an extra life to transfer to Doctor, with Vriska not wanting to find a random 1-up in Troll Town because it's too easy, but Vriska's rocket runs out of fuel and lands in World 4.
Meanwhile, the Silencer (that baby doll head) comes to life and wanders into the movie theater where Evil Yoshi is at. Before Silencer enters, Hydra of the Millennium enters through the flames and extinguishes them with his sea dwelling blue head. Evil Yoshi evolves into a Charhazard, scaring the Hydra into leaving. This is where the Silencer enters, and uses its powers to create real-life copies of three people in the merged movie that is still playing. (The power is [i]not[/i] directly taking them out of the movie; it's just copying their data.) The three taken out were Homer Simpson, a nude bank robberer who highly resembles Problem Sleuth, and an equally nude ghost woman that's said to be immortal. These five band up to form a team with one common goal; attacking John and Jade.
Gamzee and Aradia start up a double date with Terezi and Feferi, but it comes to a quick halt after the two "Ed turkey ala-kings" were really naked Eds. Also, Hank questions as to whether or not the waiter is Walter, another of the Millennium, in disguise. It turns out that he is really the Ice King, who flies over to World 8-4 to try to kidnap [color=magenta]the Princess[/color]. He fails, getting stabbed by a crystal shard from the Crystal King, one of [color=maroon]The Evil[/color]'s forces.
THE FOX CREW
The Fow Crew consits of [color=red]Hank Hill[/color], [color=olive]Cleveland Brown[/color], [color=green]Peter Griffin[/color], and [color=navy]Stan Smith[/color]. As I said before, their enemies are the Millennium, who want to "take over all the politics and economy." They consit of:
[list] [*] Luke Valentine (1): Vampire, the self-proclaimed fancy expert with super speed and knive abilities. [*] Jan Valentine (2): Vampire, a totally batshit asshole who can fire "fuck you beams." [*] Tubalcain "Dandy" "Card Guy" Alhambra (3): Vampire, he basically uses razor sharp cards. [*] Schrodinger (4): A catboy that uses wierd quantum shit powers. [*] Zorin Blitz (5): Vampire, a sadist who's able to create illusions. [*] Walter C. Dornez (6): An expert in combat, uses razor sharp wires. Also is adept at disguises. [*] Doctor (7): Mad scientist. The only one killed before the hitlist reveal. [*] hellishHuntress/???? (8): In the first reveal of the Fox Crew's hitlist, the only implication that there's an "8" member is that there's a space between 7 and 9. However, two conversations reveal that HH, John and Jade's myterious patron guide, is a part of the Millennium, and is member #8. [*] Lucky "Captain" Failington (9): Werewolf, the self-proclaimed super natural trumpcard and "good fighter." In contrast to his canon persona, he's extremely talkative and emotional. [*] Janitor (10): The former leader/Major of the team before some unknown event demotes him to the bottom rank. [*] Eric Cartman (11): A moron, but at the same time an evil genius. Also the first person on this list who's not from [i]Hellsing[/i]. [*] Hydra (12): An expert dragon fighter with, as his name implies, three heads. Each head has a different specialty: the blue head can allow the entire dragon to breathe under water, and it alone can shoot out water; the green head shoots poison, flammable gas and can enable the entire dragon to survive extreme heat; and the yellow head (the unofficial "leader" of the three) can shoot out flaming rocks and enable the entire dragon to both turn into a statue and use fire as a gateway through space. [*] Waterwraith (13): A ghost-like plasma/water thing that can only be harmed by very specific materials. [*] Death Mecha (14): A huge robot specifically crafted to kill the Fox Crew. Arguably the real trump card of the team. [*] Darkhorse (15): A half horse, half skeleton monster being. He's cool, at least according to Hank. He's the only one Hank Hill doesn't mind spareing in his Millennium killing spree. [*] ???? (Cue Ball): Very little is known about the cue ball member even from Rip's conversations, much less at the reveal of the hit list. While there is a White Text Guy, the only hint that there is specifically a cue ball member is HH stating that there is a cue ball member who is the second in command of the Millennium. [*] Lord Major Quimby. Not much is known about him as of the hitlist reveal other than that he's "corrupt." [/list]
Peter is stationed in World 2. He quickly finds Cartman, who insults him, and then spots Luke running around with his super speed, trailing up a bunch of dust in the desert sand. Peter trips Luke and sends him falling on Cartman. He then shoots them both, but soon after gets blasted by Jan's fuck you beams.
Cleveland is in World 5. He, against orders, is playing a game of strip poker against Card Guy. He cuts himself on a card, and thinking it's a trap, he prepares for attack, only to make out with him instead. Zorin notices this and sends Cleveland into an illusion. Cleveland flips the hell out but manages to grab hold of Zorin's scythe, cutting her in half. He is then shot to death by the Janitor, who takes this entire incident as an oppertunity to get a promotion by both eliminating one of the enemy and by killing a traitor. Only have of this applies as Card Guy shortly after cuts Janitor with a card.
Stan is inside the yellow ship that crashed in World 7. The Captain is there as well, searching for a ship filled with gold. (It turns out he went into the wrong ship.) Unfortunatly for Stan, he didn't bring silver, so his attacks against the Captain were useless. Schrodinger notices this and flips his coin, summoning the Death Mecha. The Death Mecha kills Stan, but carlessly kills the Captain as well. #8 finally makes an appearance by shooting Death Mecha repeatedly with the same bullet in an act of vengance for the Captain. It is then revealed that #8 is a woman by the name of Rip Van Winkle.
JOHN AND JADE'S MEETUP
To celebrate first meeting in World 7, John proposes that his team would act as Santa.
SWEET TROLLS AND HELLA MORE TROLLS
CONCLUSION
Jane and Jake had wandered into World 8-3's inn nearby World 8-4, not knowing that John, Jade, and Nepeta are sleeping there. While Jake's dream is completely unimportant, Jane dreams that she's about to kiss Jake, but gets a swift kick in the ovaries by John, who was dreaming that his "inner female self" was trying to hit on him. This is because John, in his dream, attempts to kick his IFS, but in reality kicks Jane instead.
Aware that the two are away from 8-4's entrance, the three heroes run over to the entrance only to find it blocked by Walter. Almost at the point of giving up, John turns to Morshu, who tells him that he can Jade can get into the castle another way through an "inward jorney." He does so by setting up portals which link into the kids' respective rooms that they need to go into. In John's room, he finds a nothing in it but as bottle of Gatorade (as well as two doors, one locked and one blocked, and a floor door with a heavy bust on it). Jade's room at first has the same layout. John then drinks the Gatorade and passes out.
--- INTERMISSION INTERMISSION: SHITTING ON SHIPPING ---
[BLAH BLAH BLAH]
After the explosion, it is then shown that the events of this intermission were all just a fan fiction... by Spongebob Squarepants. In shades. Whom appears to be in somewhere with a golden background. And with who seems to be Drew Pickles with a cue ball hat.
--- INTERMISSION ACT THREE: SEIGE ON THE EVIL'S CASTLE ---
INWARD JORNEY
A young lady known as Jean Egbert wakes up in a room which looks like the room John was in, only lighter in color and without the floor opening. She unlocks the door leading into the backhallway, contacts Jade, explains that drinking the gatorade is supposed to lead to the creation of an opposite sex counterpart that will help them leave the area and thus complete their "inward jorney." Also, Spongebob Squarepants contacts her and sends her both the contents of the Shipping Intermission and a fan fic pairing off John with Jade. (The latter of which is something Spongebob always does when he contacts John, Jean, or even Jade.)
EVENTS FROM THE TROLLS PERSPECTIVE
Every troll (barring Tavros, who is somewhere within 8-4; Sollux, who is still in Troll Town to presumably work on something with Dave; and the good twins, who's whereabouts are still unknown) is still standing in front of 8-4 when the group of five at the theater arrive there. They have revealed to name themselves the "Revenge Five," in spite of only two of them being motivated by revenge.
[...]
SHOWTIME
The reason for this section being titled which is because this would have been a flash had I actually had flash at the time. And "[S][I] Showtime." would have been the name of the page with the flash. John, Jade, and Nepeta anticlimatically take down The Evil while Rip anticlimatically kills Hank and absorbs his blood. Meanwhile, just about every other kid (this includes trolls), including clones and counterparts, make it up to the Quantum Scatterer. FIRE John takes the lead by murdering a ton of high-level lava monsters in order to activate the device. Once its active, the gang misses out on putting the twelve Nepeta ectoclones on any of the rocks orbiting the portal at the center of the Scatterer. So they decide to put them on a chunk of the pyramid that the Fox Crew used to get from 2-2 to get to 8-4.
At some point in the battle with The Evil, it and its enemies fall off the main tower and land right becide the group trying to do the ecto timetravel thing. FIRE John takes note of this and snatches the copy of EENE: TME right out of normal John's sylladex in order to reanact that scene from [i]Con Air[/i] after seeing Jean do the same with her own, clonned copy. John's copy ends up in the hands of the Cerluean Blood Clone while Jean's ends up in the hands of the Maroon Clone, but that doesn't really matter that much because unlike the ectokids in [i]Homestuck[/i] they will all be traveling on the same object. Future Future Past Dream Dave (FFPD Dave) takes the advice given to him by Ωmega Drew Pickles and hands the Inward Jorney counterparts a magic turntable that's temporally linked up to that point in the timeline, so that when its activated it will send them back to the present with no diffrence in time from the other characters, no matter what point the Scatterer sends them.
The counterparts and FFPD Dave all hop on the pyramid chunk and fly off to the portal. Along the way, FFPD Dave has to cut the chain of the Conjured Prospit Replica in order to avoid having the chunk fly into it. This causes Prospit's Moon to drift off into the Scatterer as well as the pyramid chunk, albiet sending the two objects to different points in space time. Jean, Jude, Joan, and Jaka are now considered to be out of the Mario Session, so their outfits revert to copies of what their original versions were wearing before entering the game. (Yes, this now means that the guys are in dresses.)
It should be noted that the upcoming battle was the only brunette kid-centric plotline in the Mario Intermission that takes place outside of the session. Also leaping from the Moon onto the chunk was Bank Robber. FFPD Dave battles out with BR over a copyright infrindgement issue, accusing him of being a ripoff of Problem Sleuth and wanting to speak with Nintendo about this after this quest is over. BR kills this dream self by shooting him, prompting Jean to pick up the now vanished FFPD Dave's conjured sword and finish Bank Robber off. By herself, she fails, but with the help of Jude and Joan (Jaka does nothing but stand there and attract more fans), they decapitate him with Dream Dave's sword and hold it up on a pointy pike that was gravitationally attracted to the pyramid. This is supposed to be a message for the Revenge Five, in case they have some sort of omnivision.
In turns out, they do to some extent. On Prospit's Moon, Silencer was able to create a crystal ball thath allowed it and the other members of the Revenge Five see the fight. Angered about this, the Curser Woman uses her replication abilities en masse and takes over Prospit, over time half-flooding it and using any spare seeds from the Mario planets to grow crops from the Mario stellar system. Within the course of one year, the Moon is transformed into a flooded wasteland with the blood of the Prospitians painted on the buildings and vines growing everywhere. Oh yeah, and the Revenge Five killed most of the Prospitians on the place as well. Silencer also used his abilities to replicate characters based on data collected in order to make Ωmega Drew Pickles (mixing data with the T-1000 in order to give him his liquis metal properties), Cartman, Waterwraith, and Spongebob. However, it is also shown that PM and WQ are still surviving on the Moon, exiled along with Spongebob. Three years from after the Moon went through the portal, it's set to crash into Earth.
[...]
John finally gets to talk to the Princess, but she reveals that she's actually a guy. John instantly quits the game afterwards. And I made such a big deal about how the Mario Intermission is [i]finally[/i] over after over 700 pages, and then I typed up a recap to explain what the hell you just read.
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