Team Fortress 2/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Meet The Team Videos

  • "...Oh my God, who touched Sasha? All right... WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!?"
  • One of the most hilarious ones is the Meet the Sandvich video, in which The Heavy, after munching on a Sandvich beats The Scout and The Soldier offscreen, complete with such lines as "MY BLOOD! HE PUNCHED OUT ALL MY BLOOD!". The movie is topped off with the Heavy watching the enemy team being decimated while happily chewing his Sandvich with a "Nom nom nom nom" sound.

The Scout: Gimme back my leg bone! (thwack, thwack thwack) DON'T HIT ME WITH IT!
The Scout: PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN! I REGRET EVERYTHING! I REGRET EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE!
The Soldier: Don't throw your life away, son! You only get one! Or...depending on your religious affiliation, several! Either way, it is a finite number, so think it through!
The Soldier: There is a checkbook in the left rear pocket of my fatigues; I will pay you all of my money to stop!
The Soldier: You cannot hurt me! Pain does not hurt! (crrUNCH) Iii stand corrected! Aaaaaah!
The Soldier: You can not hurt me! I do not have time to bleed! (squishCRUNCH) My schedule has just opened up! OWWWOOOH MY GOD!
The Scout: He's like a bear! He's like a big, shaved bear that hates people!

  • Excellent competition for the above is the Meet the Soldier video, where The Soldier delivers a bizarre, heavily non-sequitur-laden Rousing Speech to the severed heads of the people he's just killed.

RED Soldier: Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one!

  • Meet the Sniper; apart from the dialogue, when the Sniper shoots at the Heavy on his list the bullet goes through the Heavy's head and hits a Demoman in (naturally) his eye.
    • Actually, the bullet hit his whiskey bottle (which he's drinking from at the time) and somehow gets the top of the bottle jammed into his remaining eye. He panics and starts firing grenades randomly around him, falls over a railing behind him onto a pile of explosive barrels, which are blown up by the grenades he just fired. I call it the "Murphey's Law Ka-Boom".
      • The fact that the Sniper's only response to this was a very subdued "Oh...", almost indicating he genuinely wasn't expecting to see the Demoman and his primed grenades fall onto the barrels, added a certain charm, too.
    • "...not a crazed gunman, dad, I'm an assassin... Well the difference being one is a job and the other's mental sickness!"
  • The Spy's video has a great one, where the characters discuss their base being infiltrated. When the Scout notices how much praise the BLU Spy is giving the RED one and the best part, the BLU Scout IS the RED Spy:

BLU Scout: What're ya, the president of his fanclub?
BLU Spy: No. That would be your mother!

(whips out a file full of dirty pictures of the Scout's mom and RED Spy, to the Scout's horror)

BLU Spy: Indeed. And now he's here to *bleep* us! So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today.

    • Also:

BLU Spy: He could be any one of us. He could be in this very room! It could be you. It could be me! It could even b*BANG*

BLU Scout: Whoa, whoa, whoooooa!

BLU Soldier: Whaaaat? It was obvious! (ejects empty shotgun shell) He's the red spy! Watch, he'll turn red any second now. (Beat) (kicks corpse) Aaaaanny second now... see! Red! Oh wait, that's blood...

    • The BLU Heavy's reaction after bursting into the locked intelligence room ready to kill the Spy, only to find the intel is still there: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaalrightthen."
    • When the BLU Soldier is trying to enter the access code on the door, he types in "1, 1, 1, uhhhhh... 1." Apparently, he's been taking lessons from Wheatley.
      • Even better, notice how the "1" key is more worn and dirty than the other keys.
    • When the Team Fortress 2 logo/group shot comes on near the end of the video, you can hear the Spy stabbing his victims in time to the music.
  • "I'm a black Scottish cyclops! They got more *lengthy Sound Effect Bleep* than they got the likes of me!"
    • "Aye, they're going to have to glue you back together...IN HELL!"
    • "So! T'all you fine dandies so proud, so cock-sure, prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs!"
  • From Meet the Medic:

Medic: (grabbing a new heart for the Heavy) Ahh, perfect.
BLU Spy's Head: Kill me.
Medic: Later.

    • The fact that the Spy's head is still somehow smoking his cigarette makes it even funnier. And the Medic is kind enough to keep an ashtray next to him!
    • Also:

Heavy: So, vhat happens now?
Medic: Now...? Let's go practice medicine!

    • The fact that the Medic conducts all of his surgery bare-handed, but he suits up in his lab coat and surgical gloves before he strides out onto the battlefield.
    • There's also the end of the video. The Scout walks out of the operating room after having an UberCharged-heart operation with his chest glowing, and then...

Scout: Oh, MAN! You would not believe...how much this hurts! (chest pulsates, followed by a dove cooing from within his chest)
(Cut to black.)
Medic: Archimedes!?

    • The previous scene with Archimedes is also hilarious -- after the Medic irritably waves him away out of the Heavy's open chest wound, his issue with a dove being inside someone's chest is not the danger to the patient, but because "it's filthy in there!"
    • The whole video is hilarious.

Medic: Don't be a baby. Ribs grow back.
Medic: (softly, to Archimedes) ...No, zey don't.

Medic: Now most hearts couldn't withstand this voltage, but I'm very certain your heart-- (heart explodes, Medic stares at it in shock)
Heavy: What vas noise?
Medic: The sound of progress, my friend.

      • A chunk of heart also flies and knocks Archimedes off his perch.
    • When the Medic "operates":

Heavy: Should I be awake for this?
Medic: Ha ha. No. But as long as you are, could you hold your ribcage open a bit?

Heavy: Doctor! Are you sure this vil vork?
Medic: HA HA! I have no idea!

    • Medic's Noodle Incident and the look on Heavy's face when he finds out Medic doesn't have a medical license anymore while he's operating on him.
    • A quick one, but the look on the Sniper and Engie's faces when they see the invulnerable monster go charging past. They clearly weren't expecting that.
    • Even the outtakes of the video were hilarious. Special mention goes to Spy's accidental revival:

Spy: Kill me!
Medic: WAAARGH! (shoots on reflex)
Spy: Kill me!
Medic: (continues shooting)
Spy: KILL ME!
Medic: I'M TRYING!

    • Later on, the Spy's head using his cigarette to try and reach for a bottle of pills.

Comics and Other Supplemental Material

Scout: "It looks like some kinda hospital for fruit!"
Soldier: "Judases! I have used this Mann Co. shovel for twelve years! It does not blog! It does not biodegrade! It barely digs holes! But it is mine and AGGGGGH IT IS ON FIRE!"
Saxton Hale: "I make square, unsafe products for men! Not white little egg things with no sharp edges and only one button! Look at this tiny thing! It's not on fire! How do you know it's even on?
Soldier: "I will not! Keep pushing me, sister, and I will shove my carbon footprint so far up your IS THAT A PIG?"

  • All five of the postcards starring the awesomeness that is SAXTON HALE.
  • The Heavy writes on the TF2 Blog: "Usually Soldier has baby job of talking to you through button board. He cannot come to blog today because he tells me he must accept highest honor US government can give: Jury Duty."
  • Meet the Director. In short, pretty much anything to do with the Soldier and his collection of heads.
    • The Soldier's Big No upon thinking that they've been destroyed. Also, the Director's reaction to the Scout: "We ran out of film five hours ago. [...] We ran out of film five hours ago."
    • The Scout trying to hit on Miss Pauling. Also, the Scout and Heavy talking about how Sasha has a bed right next to the Heavy.

Scout: That's your gun right there?
Heavy: Yes.
Scout: In a tiny bed. Beside YOUR bed.
Heavy: Yes.
Scout: That's pretty embarrassin'.
Heavy: I know. I must buy Sasha bigger bed.

    • Also from that scene: Heavy's skull-and-crossbone pattern pajamas.
    • I. Like. To shoot. This gun. Is all you need to know.
      • Bonus points for him supplying his words with gestures. He must be thinking "I talk with idiot".
    • When the RED team talk about how they've been mailed different things, Soldier holds up a package and yells "This is nothing! Look what I got in the mail! I am also going to drop it on the floor like all of you did!" He drops the package, and we see that it's got a human head in it. Bonus points for the Spy and the Scout looking absolutely disgusted/horrified:

Spy: Whose...head is that?
Soldier: 'MINE!' The question is, where are the other seven?

"WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS"

  • Gabe Newell himself gets one when answering a fan's suggestion of not letting Robin Walker into the development team of Counter-Strike: Global Offensive:

"He's been sending crayon drawings of hats to them all week."

  • The Monoculus comic.
    • The Soldier comes by with trick-or-treaters (that have apparently been on the lam with him for four days)

"I have children! Give us candy! It is the law!"

    • The Spy doesn't have any candy, so he hands one of the kids a pack of cigarettes and a butterfly knife.

"There. Merry Christmas."

    • The Heavy calls the kid presumptuous, lazy, and fat for expecting him to spend his hard-fought money on candy. When the kid cries, he takes back the fat comment, and quiets the kid by cutting out the middleman.

"Here. Here is seven thousand dollars."

    • After being warned to "GAZE NOT UPON UPON [the] EVIL TOME" in the library while dusting, a young Demoman asks the wizard Merasmus which broom he's supposed to use to sweep.

"GAZE NOT UPON THE BROOM! And yes. That broom."

    • When the young Demoman reads the book, it possesses his eye, and then starts gloating. Merasmus is mad not because it's going to cause horrible evil, but because it's going to keep gloating.

"Now he'll never shut up about it! I have to live with this book, you know!"

      • Even funnier is the fact if you look in the background, you'll discover that the book was going to leave the Demoman's eye on its own accord, making the eye removal completely pointless.
    • When the Demoman finishes his story, and talks about where the wizard is rumored to be, the Soldier then pipes up about him. Turns out the wizard is squatting at their Halloween party as they speak, complaining about the hummus they're serving.

Demoman: Good lord! After all these years, he's here?
Soldier: He's my roommate.

    • In the final scene, Merasmus and the Soldier ignore the giant eye to attack each other.

Soldier: [strangling Merasmus] I am going to slap the magic out of your mouth!
Merasmus: [hitting the Soldier with his broken staff] I'm calling the police!

  • A Smissmas Story
    • For starters, Scout's ridiculous (even by the TF2 Universe's standards) explanation as to why they blew up a Mall Santa Training facility.
    • The Soldier's reaction to the Scout outing him as the mastermind of the event.

Soldier: JUDAS! [strangling the Scout] I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BEFORE THEY GIVE ME THE CHAIR!
Scout: You- are- the- worst- lawyer!

    • The Spy calls Miss Pauling to bail them out.

Miss Pauling: First things first. How did Soldier become a public defender?
Spy: It's a long story, but chapter one: His roommate is a magician. Should I continue?

Miss Pauling: You know what? Nevermind.

    • Later on, while Soldier is fighting the kid's dad:

Miss Pauling: Just don't make it worse.
Spy: Not a problem.
Soldier: C'MERE, YOU...
Spy: Everything seems normal so far.

    • Soldier giving Little Jack what he needs:

Soldier: One: a sensible haircut. [gives Jack a crew cut] Two: I will give you the gift of manhood. You are going to watch...while Santa beats up your father in front of you.
Little Jack: Yayyy?

Soldier: THE POWER OF SMISSMAS COMPELS YOU!

Community-Created Stuff

(There is a legion of crabs walking about the bottom of the sea, all spouting off Spy quotes, drowning out the narrator, but the volume of the crabs is lowered just for one part...)
Narrator: These... Are spy crabs.

The Game Itself

  • Every class has a large number of lines that they say when dominating an opponent. A lot of them are contenders for a CMOF:

The Demoman, on the Heavy: Oh... there's a new angel in heaven... IN HELL!
The Soldier: If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!
The Soldier, on the Demoman: Scotland is not a real country! You are an Englishman with a dress!
The Spy, on the Scout: Here lies Scout--he ran fast and died a virgin.
The Heavy: You are dead. Not big surprise.
The Medic (after killing more than 3 enemies in less than 20 seconds): Oops! Zat vas not medicine!
The Medic: Vould you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!
The Sniper (dominating Heavy): I just bagged the world's fattest man!

    • Any time you taunt as a Heavy with the Sandvich, especially when he starts to sing.

Saaaandvich and me going to BEAT YOUR ASS!
Vhat vas that, Sandvich? Kill zem all? GOOD IDEA! BAHAHAHAHA!
Bologna is perfect fuel for KILLING TINY COWARDS!

  • The cartoonish style of the game means that sometimes you die in such hilarious ways it's impossible to stay mad.
    • Especially when you are gibbed, and the game gleefully points out your body parts. "Your foot!" "Your head!" "Your pancreas!"
    • If you get gibbed particularly badly, either by getting hit with a critical rocket or running into a sticky grenade trap, the game itself will give up on trying to identify your body parts and just slap "A bit of you!" and "Another bit of you!" on the chunky red paste that used to be your body.
  • The Source engine physics can do some mighty funny things, especially to ragdolls. Melee kills seem to trigger some of the weirdest and funniest results, including punching enemies up to a great height or across a room or sending victims rocketing out of the map.
  • A Demoman equipped with the Scottish Resistance taunts by wriggling his butt at you, accompanied by the sound of squeaking.
  • Sometimes just the various wacky hijinks that players perform.
  • Getting an entire team to go Spycrab. It has happened, and the results were hilarious, if a bit messy.
  • The developers put doves into the game on pretty much all the official maps before the release of The Uber Update. For God knows what reason, they exploded when so much as tapped.
  • It was removed in an age-old update, but being telefragged lead to the most hilariously sad killcam in the game.

You have been killed by the Teleporter Exit of Chucklenuts

  • Some of the achievement names are hilarious puns. This troper's personal favorites are 2 of The Pyro's achievements: Dance Dance Immolation: Kill 3 taunting enemies. and OMGWTFBBQ: Kill an enemy with your Hadouken taunt. And that's exactly what you'll say if you're unaware that certain taunts like these can One-Hit Kill.
  • The Soldier's Equalizer taunt is blowing himself up. Trying this for the first time is hilarious. Also never gets old.
    • A perfectly timed blast around a corner during humiliation will end up humiliating the winning team. This taunt is the best for the job because it can kill multiple players in one hit.
  • The Demoman's response to going into Sudden Death:

Thankfully, I already don't remember this.

  • The Soldier, while being UberCharged:

We have you surrounded, at least from this side!

  • Spy somehow manages to act calm and poised even in the heat of battle, to the extent that one of his responses to being set on fire is a monotonous, "I appear to have burst into flames." However, if you manage to hit him with Jarate...

"Is this... MON DIEU!"
"I hate you!"
"*incoherent sobbing*"
"Euuuurgh!"
"Jarate? Nooooooooo!"

  • When you have all three pieces of Soldier's 2011 Halloween costume, he starts saying some golden stuff.

"I CANNOT BE BARGAINED WITH. I CANNOT BE REASONED WITH. I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM. I AM A ROBOT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING."

"I WAS PROGRAMMED TO FIND YOU. THAT IS WHAT I DO. THAT IS ALL I DO. THERE YOU ARE. SHUTTING DOWN..."

"I RUN ON BLOOD. I TAKE JOBS FROM AMERICAN VAMPIRES."

"WHAT IS LOVE?"

"COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE. WITH ME. IN MY APARTMENT. I NEED A ROOMMATE."

"MY FOOT WILL TRANSFORM INTO A FOOT - WITH YOUR ASS WRAPPED AROUND IT!"

"I WILL NEVER FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR, OR COMFORTABLE...IN THIS COSTUME."

  • A new item available for the game is a High Five taunt. This allows two players to high-five each other, with varying responses if completed or left hanging. The Pyro's 'happy' response to a completed high-five is so hilariously childish in its glee that it's hard not to laugh.

"I feel très bon!"
"Slap my hand. Slap it now!"
"WHO WILL JOIN ME?!"

      • And if you ignore him for long enough:

"... Leave me hanging and you will regret it."

  • The Ullapool Caber, a German WW 2-era style grenade, that explodes immediately upon hitting a hard surface. So how does the Demoman use it? As a melee weapon, that's how! Made funnier by its description: "A sober person would throw it..."
  • The descriptions for some of the game modes can be this.

Capture the Flag: And by flag we mean a glowing briefcase.
Sawmill blurb: ... These lead to a flooded underground stronghold that holds the enemy’s top secret intelligence—a flag made entirely out of microfilm. Or possibly nylon. Either way, yoink!

Other

  1. ↑ "Updated localization files" in German
  2. ↑ Although he has responded in-character on his Twitter account
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