The Andy Griffith Show/Quotes

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Unidentified episodes

Andy

  • "Call the man!" - Andy Taylor, after the freezer went out at home and Aunt Bee needed a place to keep her meat.
  • "You beat everything Barney, you know that?" Andy to Barney
  • "But aren't the trees nice and full?" Andy referring to the birds Opie has just let go. In 'Opie:The Birdman'.
  • "You look good enough to take to Chinatown!" (referring to Aunt Bee)

Barney Fife

  • Here at THE ROCK, we have two basic rules. The first rule is: OBEY ALL RULES. Secondly: Do not write on the walls, as takes a lot of work...to erase writing...OFF of walls. Now as we tell all men when these doors shut behind them, you are starting a new life. If you are wise, you'll begin rehabilitation.
  • Jay walking is rampant!
  • Of course you smell gas. What do you think this car runs on, coal?
  • Deputy Barney Fife: Nip it! Nip it in the bud!


  • "You got to spend a quid and some bobs to get anything good these days." Barney talking with Andy and Malcom Merriwether in 'The Return of Malcom Merriwether'.
  • "Well, where there's smoke there's firewater." Barney to Andy in 'Aunt Bee's Medicine Man.'

Gomer/Goober

  • "Citizen's arr-ay-est!, citizen's arr-ay-est!, citizen's arr-ay-est!" -- Said by Gomer Pyle (actor Jim Nabors) to Barney Fife (actor Don Knotts) in the episode aptly titled "Citizen's Arrest."
  • "You're a boob, Gomer!" -- Barney Fife, in "Citizen's Arrest"
  • "Sha-zay-um!" -- Gomer Pyle (southern for "Shazam!")
  • "Go-o-lly!" -- Gomer Pyle
  • "Judy Judy Judy" -- Goober does his "Cary Grant" impression.

Other/Unsorted

  • Otis: [speaking of how his mouth feels] Shooby, shooby, shooby.
  • "Where's my plaque? Give me my plaque." -- Barney describing how Otis is going to arrive at the mayor's office to receive an award.
  • "Well, now, maybe I didn't see that there line because I wasn't wearing my specs. Drunk or sober, I can't tell much without my glasses!"
  • Ernest T. Bass: It's me, it's me. It's Ernest T.!!
  • Brisco Darling (referring to Ernest T. Bass) -- "We thought about killin' him... didn't want to go that far."
  • Emma Brand: To think I voted for you last election; never even considered nobody else! BAD, BAD SHERIFF! (upon her frustration of Andy refusing to help her get her pills)
  • NAUGHTY DEPUTY! (after Andy drops Barney's charges of arresting her for jaywalking)

Dialogue

  • Barney: Wanted posters came in, Andy.
  • Andy: Oh, good. File 'em, will you, Barn?
  • Barney: (reading posters) Let's see what we got here. "Henry 'Shopping Bag' Leonetti. Grand Larceny; $4,000 reward." "Max 'The Tongue' Rasmussen. Grand Theft Auto; reward $1,500." "Benjamin Schuster, alias Benjy Schus, alias Benny Schut. Forgery; reward $3,000." You know what this means, Andy?
  • Andy: What?
  • Barney: 8,500 American silver cartwheels right in our hands; only one small hitch.
  • Andy: We don't know where they are.
  • Barney: Right!

(from episode "Opie and the Spoiled Kid")

  • Andy: Well, no wonder it's quiet in town; the whole population's in here!
  • Barney: Yeah, like I promised you, Sheriff. Law and order kept in Mayberry this here day!
  • Andy: It must've been kept more this here day than all the other days put together![1]


  • Andy: Now it's true you had them all dead to rights by the book. But now if you went strictly by the book, why I don't reckon we'd have anything in this country but 180 million jailbirds.

(from episode "Andy Saves Barney's Morale" by Frank Tarloff writing as David Adler (1961))[2][3]

  • Clarabelle Morrison: Oh, look; there's the Sheriff. Good.
  • Jennifer Morrison: Let's go in!
  • Clarabelle: Jennifer! You will be the death of me yet! How many times must I tell you? A lady never goes into a barber shop!
  • Jennifer: I'm sorry, Clarabelle; I keep forgetting. It's just that the odor of witch hazel attrones me.
  • Clarabelle: Jennifer, you have got to control yourself!
  • Jennifer: But we've got to tell the Sheriff what we know.
  • Clarabelle: Well, we will. We'll wait outside for him.

(from episode "Alcohol and Old Lace")

Dialogue

  • Barney: "Lets you and me dance."
  • Maude (escaped convict): "What made you change your mind?"
  • Barney: "You're beginning to get to me."
  • Maude: "You're a treasure!" (laughs)
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