The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • In a contest, in exchange for getting every Bethesda game free for life, a person who was due to have a child on 11/11/11 (Skyrim's release date) would have to name their child Dovahkiin. The disclaimer is as goes:

"Any reward for completing this quest will not ultimately justify the potential teasing your child could — and probably will — endure over its lifespan. Bethesda Softworks is not responsible for your parenting. You may gain experience points for completing this quest, but you will not care at 3am on a work night. Completion of this quest may also result in decreased desire to play video games and/or function as a human being. Consult with your friends before embarking on this quest; while it may not start in prison, it probably ends there."

What's that, Cluckles? Timmy's in the well?

  • On the mission to join the Dark Brotherhood, you'll be given the mission from a child, who asks you to kill an cruel old woman who runs an orphanage. Do it and the children will find out. They will cheer.
      • After doing the above mission, stick around and listen to the children talk. Cue one orphan: "Kill one person and you solve so many things! I wonder at the possibilities..." Feels good to know you're providing for the future of the Dark Brotherhood with such lovable little psychopaths.
    • One of the just-for-money side quests you do for the Brotherhood has you killing an Orc Bard, Lurbuk, also known as "The Worst Bard in Tamriel". Your quest giver tells you they got so many requests to kill him they held a lottery to determine which contract to honor.
    • Should you spare Cicero, he'll eventually wait outside of the Dawnstar sanctuary for you and, upon seeing you, will mock you for your mercy and tell you that he should be the Listener in a gleeful voice more poisonous than his knives. He laughs maniacally and then... tells that he's just messin' with you and he'll be downstairs chillin' if you need him.
    • One Dark Brotherhood quest has the player impersonating a master chef... by channelling a very Large Ham and (potentially) a Cordon Bleugh Chef.

Dovahkiin: DO NOT QUESTION THE GOURMET!

    • Potential ingredients include a sweetroll, Vampire Dust, a Giant's Toe and a Septim gold coin. The amusing thing about this is you can decline to add the poisoned herb and serve the signature stew to "the Emperor" and the other guest nobles to see their reactions...and it's every bit as good as they thought it'd be!
    • Alternatively in keeping with a Dark Brotherhood conversation gimmick, you can successfully maintain your guise as the master chef by remaining completely silent throughout the cooking process and the assistant chef will take it as a test without suspicion.
    • Pretty much anything said by the members of the Dark Brotherhood when you first meet them, such as Babette retelling how she killed her last mark (who was apparently a pedophile) or her comment on Arnbjorn's contract on a Khajiit Monk.

A big doggie chasing after a little kitten. How cute.

  • One of the very first things you see in the game, when you arrive in Helgen the horse who pulled your cart clips its head through a stone wall during its idle movements once it stops. Yup, this is definitely a Bethesda game.
  • Some of the Mondegreens for the Draconic chanting are hilarious:

Use a soul pendulum, don't be fooled, no one knows.
A moose tunnel will pay the popcorn.
And then Sean Penn who'll in will buy a ruby cross.
Nobody, nobody, for the sake of Stalin
What a night, no hope, when they rob us blind.
Have no hope of god, when something blows up.
Nobody, found him, mobile random fly!

  • At the end of Bethesda's first Skyrim Podcast, concept artist Adam Adamowicz talks about an idea he suggested for an "Elf Grinder" trap:

Adamowicz: It's kind of like a Cuisinart or a disposal in a sink, specifically for grinding up elves into a fine, purple, glittery powder. 'Cause they deserve it.

  • Dragon Shouts are amazing. Video Game Cruelty Potential at its finest.
  • Giants can knock the player a good 5,000 feet into the air. Other characters, too. Nothing like standing at a safe distance to watch a bunch of idiot bandits disappear, one by one, into the clouds...
  • Sanguine's quest. It starts off with a drinking contest. Next thing you know, you wake up in a temple on the other side of the map having trashed the place while ranting about marriage and a goat, according to the priest yelling at you. You must retrace your steps from there (after cleaning the temple), likely causing more mayhem along the way.
    • Oh, and the player's fiancee? a Haagraven.
  • During the quest where the player has to track down Esbern to his hideout in Riften's sewers. After the player finds him and convinces him that they are a friend of a friend, he unlocks the door he was speaking behind. It takes about ten different locks before the door opens, and after looking inside the player can see each one (and about three or four sturdy chains keeping the door shut).
  • After you beat Alduin, if you go back to Delphine, she lampshades you riding off to the final battle on the back of a dragon who just turned traitor.

Delphine: I heard you left Whiterun on the back of a dragon; even for you, that's a bit flashy.

  • Once you get a high enough enchantment skill, the guards with start asking if you could enchant their swords.
    • If you practice your alchemy, they'll ask you for an ale. Kinda got it backwards, there, dude.
    • If you get a high enough conjuration skill, guards will ask you if you could conjure a warm bed for them.
  • A random encounter involves a thief ambushing you and demanding that you hand over all of your money. One of your possible responses is to just tell the thief that you "don't have time for this" and walk away. The thief will still attack you, but his astonished shout of "Hey...don't you walk away from me!" because you blew off his mugging attempt is simply hilarious.
    • If part of the Guild you can yell at him for tring to rob a fellow member he more or less goes "...sorry..."
  • In a dungeon, you find a hidey hole for a rogue Conjurer. You find his skeletal remains sitting in a chair, with a draugr axe embedded at the head spot for the chair, and an opened and empty Draugr casket on the wall behind the chair.
    • The thing is, there's a lightning rune on the only entrance. That unfortunate conjurer was very thorough in making sure the threats stayed outside the room...
  • In Riften, you can completely BS your way through a conversation about magic experiments with Wylandriah, the castle's mage. The best part? The nonsense you pull out of your ass will actually help her.
    • Or it would, anyway, if she didn't forget by the end of the conversation just what problem she'd been trying to solve.
    • Similarly, when joining the Bard's College in Solitude, your first quest is to find King Olaf's Verse in order to convince the Jarl to allow them to continue burning an effigy of Olaf during a festival. However, once you find the Verse, half of it is smudged and impossible to read. So you and the headmaster decide to pull the other half of the verse out of your ass, making for a spectacularly weird poem. And guess what?! It manages to convince the Jarl to allow the festival to continue! And as an added bonus, if during the process of fixing the poem you choose the option that includes "(Persuade)", which would usually be the most BS option, you'll improve your Speech skill in the process.
  • In "The Fallen," when you actually catch Odahviing in Dragonsreach and don't immediately agree to let him go so he can take you to the final dungeon. Farengar, the court wizard, will come out and try to take "samples" from Odahviing. Cue him spewing fire into the sky in rage and Farengar running like a dog with his tail between his legs back into the palace. You can watch the whole thing here.
    • For me, this is the line that got me.

Irileth: Bad idea, Farengar, even for you.

    • In the same quest, after you Shout for Odahviing, there is a moment of tense silence before the sound of flapping wings can be heard. A guard standing on the porch murmurs "Did you hear that?" It takes about two seconds for him to literally vanish from the frame - Odahviing swoops down and snatches him out of his shield. The sheer suddenness makes it absolutely hilarious.
      • It gets worse. If this happens and you are able to keep your sights on Odahviing long enough, you'll see that he snatched the guard not to eat him, but rather to fling him into the air.
      • If you're very, very lucky and have perfect timing, you can speak to the guard before he gets snatched, and he'll spout one of the standard-issue guard lines. One of them can be the "I used to be an adventurer like you...." line, but Odahviing will snatch him up before he finishes.
  • Brelyna Maryon from the College of Winterhold will ask the Dragonborn to help her practice some new spells she's been working on. In the process she accidentally ends up tinting the viewpoint green and transforming the player into various farm animals before figuring out how to revert everything to normal. Afterwards she thanks the Dragonborn for their patience and both agree never to speak of the experience again.
    • Similarly, you can help J'zargo test some scrolls: a variant of Flame Cloak that causes undead to explode. When you return to him, one of the dialogue options is, "Were they supposed to explode? Because they exploded." Doubles as a reference to Fallout 3.
  • Sheogorath's dialogue in his Daedric Quest.

Do you mind? I'm doing the fishstick! It's a very delicate state of mind!
Now, you're asking yourself, can I use my swords and sneaking and spells and all that? Sure, sure...or you could use the Wabbajack![1]
By whom [were you asked to talk to me]? Wait! Don't tell me! I want to guess! Was it Molag? No, no - little Tim, the toymaker's son? The ghost of King Lysandus? Or was it - yes! Stanley, the talking grapefruit from Passwall!

    • When preparing to go back to his realm, he goes through a checklist of everything he needs.

Clothes, check. Beard, check. Luggage...hmm...now where did I leave my luggage? (Said luggage is the quest-giver.)

    • Sheogorath's monologue that hints that he may very well have been your character from Oblivion:

...Apart from that Martin fellow, but he turned into a dragon god and that's hardly sporting. You know, I was there for that whole sordid affair. Butterflies (the room where you first meet Haskill), blood (Blood of the Daedra/Divines), a Fox (The Grey Fox), a severed head (Dark Brotherhood quest), and the CHEESE!! To die for. (What the old Sheogorath used to talk about.)

    • And ol' Pelly is impatient and long-suffering through the whole conversation because he just wants to get back to decapitating people.

Sheogorath: Oh, Pelagius, what would the people do without you? Laugh? Sing? Smile? (giggles) Grow old?

  • Thanks the power granted by Wreaking Havok, you can do all manner of silly things, like stripping corpses and piling them on top of one another, putting buckets on people's heads, or propping Jarl Ulfric's corpse on his throne and crowning him with an iron pot.
    • With really good timing, you can kill an enemy who's rushing towards you, as they're swinging their sword, an they'll go head over heels past you. If there's a wall behind you, they can end up leaning against the wall, upside down.
  • Ladies and gentlemen, courtesy of the distinguished Peptuck, author of Tiberium Wars, Graveyard Shift and Renegade, I give you...THIS. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
  • Spoken by a random bandit while attacking you, if you are playing as a Khajiit:

"You remind me of my cousin's cat. I killed that, too!"

  • At any point in the game when you're fighting a Bandit/Forsworn/mob that is capable of human speech, and they start taunting you with something like "Is that all you got?" while in mid-sentence you already killed them in a single blow. Bonus points if you did an execution animation or your horse takes the kill.
  • You can decapitate people only for them to shout NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME HERE! as their head flies off.
  • During Malacath's quest, You have to clear out a cave for a lazy Orc so that he can kill a giant that's occupying Malacath's shrine. Once you get to the shrine, the Orc tries to bribe you to kill the giant for him, too. You can accept the bribe, or tell him to do it himself. He replies "Fine. This should only take a second." If you do the latter, watch as he flies through the air due to the aforementioned giant's hammer glitch. Best of all, Malacath's dialogue afterwards indicates that he heartily approves of this.
  • With console commands and a little creativity, the possibilities are endless. Case in point.
  • There are numerous phrases NPCs can spout if they see a fight going on, some of which linger in Deadpan Snarker territory, if somewhat unintentionally at times. In one game, this provided a CMoF for a Thalmor guard:

Guard: (watching a dragon fighting a bear) My money's on the big one.

  • After one of the civil war quests, I found Hadvar, and when I passed by, he had this to say:

Hadvar: Dragonborn, huh? So, was it your ma or your pa that was the dragon?

    • Obviously according to the Notes on Racial Phylogeny book, it was the pa since children of multiracial families are more akin in race to their mother.
      • Ouch.
  • How to ride a horse
  • Narfi, that beggar in Ivarstead, is supposed to be a harmless loon. If you complete the quest to learn about his sister's whereabouts, he'll give you three random alchemy ingredients. The randomness will sometimes fly in the face of his harmless reputation…

Player: Let's see. Human heart. Daedra heart. Briar Heart. Everything a harmless beggar could possibly acquire with ease.

Now, I know what you're thinking - that's not a spoon, it's a fork! No one can eat soup with a fork. Well, my friend, you did not know Ysgramor.

  • Some of the guards' comments depending on what weapon/armor you're wielding are quite humorous. For example, if you're wielding Volendrug

Guard: (Whistles) That...is a big hammer.

    • or

Guard: What are you going to do with that thing? Bring a house down?

  • As you near completion of the Forbidden Legend quest to reform the Gauldur Amulet and defeat the archmage's three sons in a Boss Rush, the three prepare their weapons as if to attack you at once...only for the spirit of Gauldur to rise from his coffin behind them, prompting the three of them to turn around and watch as he banishes all of them with a wave of his hand. They don't say a word, but you know they were thinking "Oh Crap".
  • Farkas, the big werewolf guy you're paired up with in the companion quests? According to Skjor he has the strength of Ysgramor? He later tells you he can't go on through the rest of a tomb because there are spiders ahead, and since Dustman's Cairn he's terrified of spiders.
  • Take off your armor in front of non-hostile NPCs. Their reactions are hilarious. NPC's can react in all kinds of ways such as, "you're going to freeze to death," "Put some damn clothes on," and "You're not as attractive as you think you are."
    • In a region of Eastmarch there's a watery area that includes hot springs, and at the south western tip is a camp with a few hunters lounging around with their clothes off in the hot water. The silly part comes if you decide to also take off your armor in their presence - they react to your state of undress the same way as people in a normal town, even if they themselves are undressed.
  • Due to a Good Bad Bug (I think it was a bug), I once saw the Headless Horseman ghost running after his ghost horse. I have no idea how this happened, and I sadly never saw it happen again.
  • The Wabbajack. Turning a guard into a chicken? Quite funny. Turning an guard into a pile of gold? Amusing. Turning a guard into the very sweetroll they often talk about? Pure hilarity. Of course, when it backfires and turns a (relatively) harmless orc into a Dremora warrior, armed to the teeth with weapons and armour, that isn't nearly as funny.
    • Witness the Wabbajack in action here, where it's used to turn an agressive Blood Dragon into a bunny, which then simply hops off.
    • Another effect of the Wabbajack, which happens very rarely, makes Sheogorath himself appear and do a little jig.
  • The first parts of the A Daedra's Best Friend quest, particularly when meeting Barbas the dog, who, to the Dragonborn's surprise, talks telepathically with a yiddish accent (Barbas even calls out on the Dragonborn's surprise by pointing out the existence of dragons and Khajiits, so he (Barbas) shouldn't be too unusual). The Reveal however changes the tone of things a bit.
  • You can play as anything in Skyrim. A Chicken? No problem the village people now idolize you. A horse? Have fun being targeted by anything and everything. A Dragon? The bane of existence sounds funs right? A sweetroll? Yep. All you need to do is use /tc as a console command, and point at the thing in question. Hilarity ensues.
  • One Fetch Quest in Markath has the local alchemist hire you to deliver a Stallion's Potion to the elderly Steward Raerek. When you deliver it to him, the embarassed Raerek thanks you and gives you a 750 gold tip for your discretion.
  • One of the "Fine Hat" models in the game is a red stocking cap with a furry lining. Wear it with a red coat and give your character a white beard for instant Badass Santa!
  • Don't play LMFAO at an execution. Or this will happen.
  • The story behind the Drunken Huntsman in Whiterun.
  • The Skyrim Creation Kit launched, as well as Steam Workshop integration. Valve themselves made a mod for Skyrim. What does it do? SPACE CORE! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HW Wi Iy 4 zy EY

"Dad, I levelled up"
"That's nice, son."
"Dad, are you dragons?"
"Yes, I am ALL the dragons."

    • And better still, you can craft a unique helmet with it.
      • And that you can find Wheatley floating around the perk constellations.
    • Even the new loading screens that come with it have ridiculous texts. For example:

Space is the thing you see above Tamriel when you're walking around outside with your head tilted back.

      • and:

Space Spheres, also known as the Spheriphem, are natives of space, and will cajole adventurers to help them return to that comforting void.

  • Should a player try to get bandits to kill each other by dropping a gem for them to find so they can argue over it, it's very possible to have one grab it, walk right up to you and say, "You dropped this. You should be more careful.", then give you your gem back and leave.
  • The level 100 pickpocket perk lets you steal the clothes your target is wearing, leaving them walking around in their underwear completely unaware that anything has happened.
    • If you do this with a foresworn briar-heart's briar heart, the resulting theft makes them drop dead.
      • A bunch of thugs later attacked me; and according to a letter on one of them; they were hired by briar-heart that I stole a briar heart from. (Yes, the one that dropped immediately dead.)
  • Occasionally a courier will get mugged by bandits on his way to deliver you letters, escaping in nothing but his skivvies and a few odd peices of gear. Despite this, he'll still hand you the letters and run off without ever bringing up his lack of clothes, now that's dedication.
    • That's nothing, the courier can nonchalantly deliver you a letter while you're fighting Odahviing on the great porch!
  • There's a mod that allows you to find the Pogo Hammer in Riften, complete with ragdoll physics! What makes it even more hilarious is the stuff you need to improve it at the grinding stone.
  • Unnecessary Censorship in Skyrim. Particularly the last line from Braith: "Boys, girls, dogs, elders, there's nobody I won't #*@!"
  • It can be silly who will send Hired Thugs to "teach you a lesson" due to how screwy the radiant system can be. Known offenders have been children, Forsworn Briar-Hearts as mentioned above, the Penitus Occulatus, and even freaking Parthurnaax.
  • The fact that your character's combat statistics display the amount of bunnies they slaughtered.
  • The game has a number of quirks related to their mad libs questing system. When you shout in a populated area, you'll sometimes later get an anonymous letter stating that you caused quite a stir and not everyone is happy to see you back but the writer wants to help you so go check out location X to find another source of power and kill a dragon. You can get this letter by shouting at Sky Haven Temple, where the only witnesses are your fellow Blades, all of whom are already helping your fulfill your potential as the Dragonborn and slay dragons.
  • The civilians' reactions to corpses can be hilarious, no matter who's body it is, they'll all say "Oh, what happened?" in the case of adults, and "Ah! Dead body!" in the case of children. An example of this is when Weylin gets killed at the start of the Forsworn Conspiracy, it is entirely possible for all of the town drunks, who use the same voice, to cluster around Weylin and Margerate's corpses, simultaneously saying "Oh, what happened?".
    • Likewise, during the quest to rescue a girl from a band of Forsworn and to be brought back to the Temple of Dibella, she reacts to every single dead Forsworn (all killed by you of course on the way in) your group passes by on the way out of the ruined fort, which is both annoying and funny.
  • Again from Peptuck, who gave us Tiberium Wars, Graveyard Shift, Renegade, Forward, and Harbinger, comes this gem: mad mage-alchemist Houborn against Dragon Priest Krosis.
  • By themselves, two-handed weapons are amusing, if only for the sheer brutality. But combine two-handed weapons with a female Breton deliberately modeled for minimum weight, and you get to watch this tiny girl wielding battleaxes bigger than she is, who can barely reach the chest of most Nord, running around whalloping fools.
  • The Radiant AI can be pretty stupid when it comes to when lines are appropriate. This can lead to situations like this:

(After killing an Ancient Dragon, with amazingly no casualties, standing next to it's arrow-ridden corpse)
Riverwood Guard: My cousin's out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Guard duty.

  • The Skeleton Bikini mod. Exactly What It Says on the Tin (warning: NSFW)
  • This mod that combines the Skyrim Troll with the other kind of Troll. Prepare for a barrel of laughs.
  • One of the early main-storyline quests involves an NPC who arranges to meet you by stealing the ancient horn you were supposed to be retrieving. When you finally meet up with her, she ends up giving back the item and then having a conversation with you whilst leaning forwards across a table giving you a good view of her cleavage. About halfway through the conversation, she utters the immortal line:

"Don't you trust me? I already gave you the horn."

  • One that only works for Imperials only, after killing Ulfric Stormcloak, the wise and courageous hero of all nords, you can lout his body like any other. His weapon of choice? An iron axe with a fear enchant on it. It's even called Iron War axe of Cowardice. Combine this with the fact his favorite Thu'um is unrelenting force, a shout which pushes enemies away from him, you begin to get the idea the great Jarl of Windhelm isn't as fearless as many Stormcloaks believe.
  • The Barrel Outfit mod, which if equipped makes the wearer sort of resemble a very large Waddling Head.
  • The Skyrim Dance Mods, which will send anyone to the dance floor, even Generals, Jarls, the Greybeards, anyone. Here are a few dance sequences:
  • When you get to the portal to Sovngarde, you'll likely have just received the first word of Storm Call, the most powerful shout in the game. You see a Dragon Priest, one of the toughest bosses in the game. You'll likely try to use Storm Call on him. And provoke the two dragons perched nearby, making the situation even more difficult.
  • A funny case of possibly accidental Did You Just Scam Cthulhu? towards the Daedric Princes. If you decide to become a werewolf during the Companions questline, you'll technically condemn yourself to hunting with Hircine in his realm after you die for all time. If you get far enough in the Thieves Guild questline you'll have to swear yourself to eternal service with Nocturnal. If you do both with one character, you just guaranteed two Eldritch Abomination s are going to end up fighting over ownership of an immortal dragon soul upon your death (dragons being the children/physical manifestations/servants of Akatosh, just to add to the hilarity). Take into consideration that, according to Sheogorath from Shivering Isles expansion, the Lords occasionally have little get togethers, the potential for "mommy and daddy are fighting again" jokes becomes endless.
  • One of the new kill cams added in the 1.5 patch has you essentially headbutt the enemy to death!
    • Also fun/funny: Killing people by breaking their necks with your shield.
    • One kill cam move has you twirling your sword around several times like a baton before slashing your opponent dead. It's something normally just for show in Real Life, and thus can look silly for some as a finisher, especially when you're using a dagger.
    • Perhaps the most ridiculous finisher move involves knocking your opponent down on his/her back and simply walking all over them.
  • Phenderix Magic Evolved (Mod) Has a spell named Gale Wave, an air elemental spell. Its function? A continuous stream of Fus Ro Dahs, at about 5 full power shouts per second. It effects any unconscious enemies, as well, allowing you to fling them off of ramp-like rocks so high that you can't see them anymore! Sometimes, they'll even get right back up after flying and falling thousands of feet up.
  • The Word Wall containing the first word of the shout for Elemental Fury (which is either at Dragontooth Crater, The Statue to Meridia, or Shriekwind Bastion, whichever you visit first) may not look all that funny- not if you can't read the Dovah language carved on the wall. When translated, it reads thus:

Here lies Fjoldmod Foul-Air who

stank as much on earth as

his body does now in (the) ground.

"Wylandriah,

Your letter sent to the College of Winterhold was rife with grammatical errors and incomplete thoughts, making them difficult to discern. Could you please clarify the points below for us to ensure we're on the same page?

We have no record of a "cloud emulsifier" device or anything involving the magical manipulation of clouds. Second, we can't send you a sample of the Heart of Lorkhan for experimentation, as no such sample exists. And finally, in the fourteenth paragraph of your letter, you mention a substance called "greenmote." We're assuming this was a simple mistake and you meant to write "greenspore." If that's the case we have contaminated skeever carcasses with the disease available if needed.

We'd also like to thank you for sending us your notes regarding your experiments, we've all had a quite a grand time reading them.

Mirabelle Ervine"

  • Occasionally, dragons will screw up their landings, often in Epic Fail level ways, which will almost always treat you to the site of a dragon overshooting their landing, making a long crater in the ground that usually doesn't end until they bash they own head in, usually on the nearest mountain.
  • In Bleakfalls Barrow, there's a skeleton stuck in a rock with what appears to be "jazzhands" while grinning.
  • From the description of the "Fall of the Space Core" mod:

Also, since Skyrim was the only major release of 2011 without Nolan North in it, you should consider this mod a patch to fix that problem. You can now feel free to include Skyrim in the "Nolan North" section of your video game library, which is to say, your video game library.

  1. ↑ Wabbajack Wabbajack Wabbajack.
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