The Golden Girls/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • Whenever Rose insults someone. Because she is so nice and sweet, you never see it coming.
  • Rose's (arguably most) memorable line: "Oh, blow it out your turbenburbles!"
  • "Come on Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, then we can move this toilet!" "Fine, get me 20,000 hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time."
  • In the episode where the girls are robbed, Blanche borrows Rose's "Hair spray" and goes down to the police station. There, she sees a police officer she finds cute, so she decided to "touch up" her hair. Turns out the "hair spray" is Rose's mace, and Blanche recounts the following events to the girls: Spraying herself with mace, and writhing and screaming on the floor for about 20 minutes, in the middle of the police station. All the while being harassed by the policeman she had her eyes on. Why? He thought she was on angel dust.
    • Extra points for Rose's response: she was glad that the mace actually worked.
  • Sophia has been pretending to be malingering, sitting in a wheelchair and letting everyone fuss over her. Dorothy walks in on her trying to leave (on her own two feet) and singing merrily. This happens:

Dorothy: Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gecko!
Sophia: (Thinks quickly, then says in a sickly sweet voice) I wuv you!
Dorothy: (deadpan) Too wittle, too wate.

  • When Dorothy and Sophia try to explain to Blanche that a visiting friend of Dorothy's is a lesbian, Blanche gets the word confused with lebanese.
    • And then she gets outraged when she learns that Dorothy's friend wants Rose and not her.
  • Blanche, delirious after apparently writing all night, comes across egg yolks that Rose put in a plastic bag. Her reaction to the egg yolks in the bag is along the lines of "Yellow eyeballs" and "little balls of sunshine in a bag."
    • And then Blanche decides to let Rose read her manuscript, because she's honest and from Minnesota. And in her words, people from Minnesota don't lie.

Blanche: What could you possibly find to lie about on a farm? Must be some state. Lots of lakes and nice pale people. ...I'd drown myself.

  • Dorothy trying to talk Rose out of feeling sorry for herself about her physical condition: "Sure, you're 5 years older. So am I. So is Blanche. OK, you've grown a few more wrinkles. So have I. So has Blanche. So you're a bit thicker in the middle. So is Blanche."
    • Made even more funny the camera cut to Blanche's reaction with each line, ranging from annoyance to horror.
  • The girls' recount of their attempt to look more beautiful by getting a new hairdo at a salon. The practitioner commented different attribute of each girl (sans Sophia), followed by giving them the same lousy hairdo.
    • Not just the same lousy hairdo, but Sophia's hairdo!
  • "You just have to see what Joe has to say about this, huh? And this Joe, would he happen to be Joe MAMA?!"
  • Hard to put this line in context, so....

Dorothy: CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS! CONDOMS! CONDOMS!!!

  • "I'm Dorothy's roommate, Blanche, and I'll be filling in for her tonight because she's dead."
  • Dorothy's idea for a video game, about an old woman who won't stop talking and the many ways you can kill her.

Dorothy: No, see, I've thought it all out. And by level four, you can just nuke her. I mean, nuke the HELL out of her.

  • Rose's extended dream sequence of her, Dorothy, and Blanche as severed heads, and Sophia with her head attached to the body of a twenty year old.

Blanche: That moron made us promise we would freeze our heads and meet a hundred years later!
Dorothy: And we did it?!

  • The first season episode In A Bed Of Rose's had her boyfriend dying in bed after sleeping with her. This being the second time a man died after sleeping with her (the first being her husband Charlie), Rose decides to stop sleeping with men, convinced that she's an angel of death. By the episode's end, she returns from a vacation with a new boyfriend, and reveals to Blanche and Dorothy that she slept with him. And he died. And that to prove to the local sheriff that it was her fault, she slept with him too. And then he died. And then Rose reveals to a horrified Blanche and Dorothy that it was all a joke. The two storm out of the room, angrily commenting that they believed her.

Dorothy: I was set to go to her hanging!

  • When Dorothy failed a star football player, one of the people who tried to talk her out of it was a local priest. Dorothy finally got fed up and kicked him out, prompting Sophia to do the sign of the cross and say;

Sophia: You threw a priest out of the house. You disgust me.

    • Later it's followed up by this great exchange;

Sophia: I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out the door!
Dorothy: Ma you have relatives who threw priests out of windows!
Sophia: That was business!

  • Rose is trying to give Sophia a pep-talk about why she should support Dorothy and Stan's re-marriage, which goes about as well as you'd expect. Blanche decides to intervene:

Blanche: Rose. What's eight times six?
Rose: (stops, begins counting on her hands)
Blanche: Now that we have a few minutes...

    • And after the discussion between she and Sophia, Rose is still trying to deduce the solution.

Blanche: Rose, pencils down.
Rose: I coulda used a pencil?!

  • The Case of the Libertine Belle is a gold mine of these moments.
  • When Sophia is figuring out her will and figures Dorothy is just anxious to get at her valuables, Dorothy tells her to calm down and have some tea. All the while Dorothy has a sinister look on her face and mentions "it'll... relax you". Sophia tells Rose to try it.

Dorothy: Rose, DON'T! (more calmly) That tea was for my mommy.

    • This turns into a Brick Joke at the end of the episode when Dorothy says "let me make you a cup of tea..."
  • "I'm Blanche Deveraux. That's French for... Blanche Deveraux.
  • The girls singing "Over There" to Blanche as she's being wheeled to surgery. What completes the scene is an old dough boy walking by and saluting them.
    • And Rose's story explaining that her mom used to sing it to her when she was little.

Rose: She said no one could be afraid when they hear that song... except maybe the Kaiser.

  • The joke between the two crows.
  • Is Blanche the biggest slut? Nope, it's Rose!

Dorothy: She is the easiest person in this room!
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!

Blanche: But that was not my fault, she was declared dead! Those paramedics never give up.

  • In a flashback with her late hisband:

Sophia: Where are you going?
Sal: To get some air.
Sophia: We got air in here.
Sal: I like beer with my air.

  • In a flashback during an episode about birthdays, we see one of Dorothy's worst; Rose decided to take her to "Mr. Ha-Ha's Hot Dog Hacienda." Dorothy is obviously miserable, including having to lead a Birthday Parade. After she has to make a wish and blow out her candle, Mr. Ha-Ha says, "I hope everybody gets what they wished for." Dorothy gets a gleam in her eye, picks up her hot fudge cake in throwing position and says, "Do you really, Mr. Ha-ha?" Mr. Ha-Ha warns her that A) his musician's brother is a lawyer, and B) that's not a very mature thing to do. Dorothy agrees, and puts her cake down. However, a little boy named Bobby walks up behind Ha-Ha, gets his attention, and when Ha-Ha turns around, he pies him in the face. Then, with a big toothy grin he says, "Happy Birthday, Dorothy." It's hilarious, a little heartwarming, and even the normally deadpan Dorothy lets out a big belly laugh.
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