The Horribly Slow Murderer With the Extremely Inefficient Weapon

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

A parody trailer, The Horribly Slow Murderer With the Extremely Inefficient Weapon pokes fun at the horror genre, particularly the so-called "Torture Porn" movies like Saw and Hostel which focus on, well, see the title. It stars Paul Clemens as a man who is suddenly attacked by a supernatural being (Brian Rohan) for a (possibly imagined) slight against the Powers That Be. This attack is made with a normal spoon, the bowl struck sharply against the target's body, and is seldom ceased. The victim is sent spiraling past the brink of insanity from the constant flogging, and resorts to continually, and comedically, extreme lengths to get rid of his tormentor, all ending in failure, and in some cases even backfiring immensely.

After the immense success of the original parody trailer, The Horribly Slow Murderer With the Extremely Inefficient Weapon (abbreviated HSMWEIW) has become a YouTube series, including an "Ask Jack" featuring an interview with the victim as well as an interactive adventure.

Tropes used in The Horribly Slow Murderer With the Extremely Inefficient Weapon include:
  • All Just a Dream: Spoon Wars. Even in his dreams, Jack can't fight off the Ginosagi.
  • A Mouthful For An Eye: In Spoon Wars, Jack impales the Ginosagi with a lightsaber. The Ginosagi then spits a mouthful of black blood into Jack's eyes, blinding him.
  • Beat Him With a Spoon
  • The Bad Guy Wins
  • Beat Them At Their Own Game: In this follow up. It doesn't work out for Jack.
  • Big Eater: Jack. Explained here.
  • Bilingual Bonus: The victim in the story is Jack Cucchiaio. The murderer is called the Ginosaji. "Cucchiaio" and "Gin no saji" are Italian and Japanese, respectively, for "spoon" and "silver spoon".
  • Black Blood: The Ginosaji gets stabbed in the throat by a knife and there's black blood on the blade.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: At the end of the Kick Him in the Crotch interactive video, Jack's vomit repeatedly covers up the superimposed Try Again image. The narrator replaces the graphic each time, only for it to get covered in vomit again.
  • Cherry Tapping: It's hard to imagine a less effective and more humiliating way to kill somebody.
  • Cruel and Unusual Death: Jack will die by being hit by a spoon... eventually. And it's definitely cruel.
    • Especially cruel since the Ginosaji actually prevents Jack from killing himself at different points in the trailer. Not only will the killer eventually kill Jack, he will not allow him any opportunity to cheat the Ginosaji of delivering the death blow.
  • Death Of A Billion Strikes By A Spoon: The Ginosaji does this to Jack.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: "Nothing can stop the Ginosaji. The Ginosaji will never stop."
    • Not exactly redundant. It could be interpreted to mean "No one can do anything to stop the Ginosaji, nor will the Ginosaji ever choose to stop on its own."
  • Determinator: The Ginosaji will not stop. Ever. The dark energies animating his body will not allow rest... neither for him, nor Jack.
  • Driven to Suicide: Jack tries to shoot himself at one point. The Ginosaji knocks the gun out of his hand.
  • Dual Spooning: In the sequel, Jack gets a spoon to fight against the swatter and he winds up losing the spoon to him.
  • Epic Movie: "A major motion picture event, twelve years in the making, filmed on five continents, with a running time of over nine hours."
  • Even Evil Has Standards: At least to the extent that even the Ginosaji seems to visibly cringe when Jack saws through his own crotch. Not that it changed anything in the end.
  • Exactly What It Says on the Tin
  • Fun with Acronyms: Chaotic Rampage American Pictures.
  • Gone Horribly Wrong: In "Save Jack: The Interactive Adventure", the "Wear Protective Clothing" option backfires on Jack since the noise from his helmet being whacked with a spoon drives him to madness. It's so horrible that he begs the Ginosaji to go back to beating the rest of his body. The Ginosaji, realizing the helmet beating is more effective torture, ignores him and even puts the helmet back on Jack when he tries to take it off.
  • Groin Attack: Inverted, as the Ginosaji throws the spoon at Jack, armed with a buzzsaw... and winds up making him cutting his testes off.
    • In "Save Jack: The Interactive Adventure" if the "Wear Protective Clothing" option is picked, the Ginosaji hits Jack in the groin before he can put on his cup. If the "Kick him in the Crotch" option is picked, it backfires horribly.
  • Hope Spot: At the end, the spoon breaks, but the Ginosaji has a dozen more under his coat.
    • In "Save Jack: The Interactive Adventure", picking the Giant Magnet option will lead to this. The magnet actually works and stops the Ginosaji from using his spoons until he pulls out a wooden spoon. To Jack's dismay, being beaten with a big wooden spoon is even more painful than being hit with a small metal one.[1]
  • Immortal Assassin: see below.
  • Implacable Man: The spoon-wielding murderer takes a knife to the throat and two explosions without any harm done.
  • Informed Ability: Jack is supposedly a forensic pathologist. We never get to see him at work.
  • In the Hood: The Ginosagi.
  • Interactive Narrator: In "Save Jack: The Interactive Adventure", getting Jack to give the Ginosaji a hug requires some persistent encouragement from the narrator.
  • Long Title: Just read the title!
  • Oh Crap: The ending
  • Once Is Not Enough: Jack shot the Ginosaji down. The Ginosaji simply continued to hit Jack's hand with a spoon.
  • Out of the Inferno: The Ginosaji did this after Jack tried to blow him up with a lot of TNT.
  • Overly Long Gag: The Ginosaji will hit you with a spoon again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again... Well, you get the picture.
    • The Interactive Adventure also becomes this if you don't make a choice.
  • Police Are Useless
  • Real Trailer, Fake Movie
  • Scratch Damage: The spoon is more irritating than actually harmful, but over the course of 10 years does some serious damage.
  • Shout-Out: Psycho, complete with being Deliberately Monochrome.
  • The Slow Walk: Subverted. The Ginosaji actually runs if Jack runs.
  • Stern Chase
  • Throwing Your Spoon Always Works: A rare instance where the villain uses this trope.
    • Twice; he used it again in Spoon Wars. And it was epic.
  • Super-Persistent Predator: The Ginosaji never stops.
  • Ugly Guy, Hot Wife
  • Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: Jack ends up traveling the galaxy to find something to kill the Ginosaji. He ends up finding a lightsaber. It doesn't work. And it was All Just a Dream anyway. Poor Jack.
  • What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?: Jack arms himself with all types of guns to beat a villain wielding only a spoon. AND THE VILLAIN WINS!
    • Another scene that would qualify is that, when the Ginosaji's spoon finally breaks, he backs off for a moment, then ominously opens his hoodie to reveal that his shirt has a dozen more spoons hanging from it. Word of God confirms that the Ginosaji has an infinite number of spoons hanging from it.
  • What the Hell, Player?: If no choice is selected during "Save Jack: The Interactive Adventure", the narrator and Jack call out the viewers on enjoying Jack's torment when all they have to do to help him is to push a button. Not that it matters, since Failure Is the Only Option.
  1. Arguably, though, it's the best possible ending, since it at least gives Jack a moment of hope and a break from the spoon.