The Spoony Experiment/Quotes

"You know, I should have been more careful when I bought this game. I forgot the cardinal rule of movie tie-in games. It's that they always, always, suck. Especially when it's made twenty years after the fact!"

—The Spoony Experiment, on The Thing.

"But I don't think [Squall] thought this plan all the way through, because he jumped out of an escape pod headed to Earth and now he has no way at all of getting back... BUT somehow, don't ask me how, they turn around and have the incredible good fortune to see an abandoned space warship called the Ragnarok that's gassed up, ready to go, still has oxygen and, best of all, is within spitting distance of their current predicament.
I just can't believe how half-assed and slipshod this writing is! One minute they're dying of asphyxiation in deep space and the next minute they look over and: "Hey, look, look, there's a space ship that civilians can fly, that can take us back to Earth and it's within half mile of a station that no one's noticed until now!"

It's this kind of thing that was a running joke in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Fucking Galaxy! There's Plot Convenience, there's Deus Ex Machina, and then there's just pulling stuff right out of your ass! THAT... CAN'T... HAPPEN!!! You can't just go filling plot holes with bullshit! I've had acid flashbacks that had more narrative coherence than this!"

—The Spoony One on Final Fantasy VIII

"You should never have to beg for love and, if you do, it ain't love."

—Spoony in response to the Twilight franchise.

"You are not stupid for seeking people you identify with. You are not an idiot for finding friends and feeling like you have somewhere you belong. Your particular brand of happiness might be pretty fucked-up, but you're not fucked-up for pursuing that happiness. As long as you're not hurting anyone, wave that freak flag high. Final Fantasy VIII may suck, and you may suck for liking it, but I'm the captain of this suck-filled leaking failboat, and I'm not going to have some jerkoff movie critic who's never cracked a Player's Handbook in his life call my homies STUPID.

—Spoony, ranting about Roger Ebert.

"There's Suspension Of Disbelief and then there's insulting my fucking intelligence."

—The Spoony One on the Wing Commmander movie

"But there's just something about this game, something irrational, something instinctive that whenever I see this guy I just wanna punch this motherfucker! This sissy, shorts-wearing, fucking fat-faced Leonardo DiCaprio-looking jackoff! Fuck this guy! Fuck him in his leather lederhosen! I hate his fucking faggy Meg Ryan hair! I hate his smug, fucking hideous Arch Hall, Jr. face! I hate his stupid, girly, banana-colored half-vest! I hate his stupid, squeaky, nasal fucking voice! And every fucking time he opens his big fucking mouth I just wanna stab him in the throat with an ice pick just to watch him die!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE THIS GAME!!! AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

—Spoony's opinion of Tidus, hero of Final Fantasy X.

"NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE! Why is Zeist never mentioned a single time by anyone in the first movie? Why doesn't McLeod recognize Ramirez at all when they meet in Scotland even though they got married on Zeist? Why does Ramirez have to explain everything about immortality to McLeod when he was listening when sentence was passed on Zeist? Why do the other Immortals want to fight anyway if the prize sucks so bad? Why are there other Immortals if Katana only sent McLeod and Ramirez to Earth and he specifically ordered his men to kill all the other rebels? Where do they come from?! Why are they immortal on Earth and not on Zeist? What the fuck is the Quickening? What's the deal with the glowing orange juice? What the fuck is he writing on McLeod's head? What's the significance of the Gathering? Why can they telepathically sense deer, and why is this never mentioned again? Why does McLeod have no idea how to fight even though he's an intergalactic freedom fighter? Why does this make even less sense than naked Sean Connery throwing axes at a floating zombie head? WHY AM I IN A STARFLEET UNIFORM?!?!"

—Spoony's ginormous list of questions about the massive Plot Holes and Fridge Logic caused by the storm of Retcons in the first twelve minutes of Highlander II the Quickening.

"This whole time, [Bella]’s like: ’I love Edward, it’s always been Edward, I always love Edward, I’m destined to be with Edward I love him, and his pale face and his big bush caterpillar eyebrows and I want to be with him always cause we have SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.’"

—Spoony' on Bella in the Eclipse Review

"I AM FOKED!"

—Spoony in Paw's top 9 video game composers video.

"You're wrestlers! This is a wrestling show! WRESTLE! WRESTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

—Spoony when TNA's padding gets too much for him.

"You know that old saying 'never judge a book by its cover'? Well, fuck you, because that's books, not movies, and I don't think you could have found a better poster to scare an audience away from a theater if you had covered the entire building in a plastic sheet and set up a half mile military perimeter warning people of an anthrax-attack. I don't think I've ever seen a poster inspire less confidence than the three-headed monstrosity of Freddy Prinze Jr, Saffron Burrows and, the crown-fucking-jewel, Mathew Lillard, the skinpeelingly-annoying jack-hole from Hackers."

—'Spoony, regarding Wing Commanders DVD cover.

"I may be evil, but at least I'm not full of crap!"

—"Dr. Insano"