The Suite Life of Zack and Cody/Quotes

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Season 1 (2005-2006)

Hotel Hangout [#1]

London: Good news!
Maddie: Me, too!
London: Me first: I got a D+ in math!
Maddie: [confused] That's good news?
London: Yeah! Thanks to you, I passed. My daddy got me a plasma screen TV!
Maddie: Wow, all I get when I get an A+ is an extra slice of pie.
London: Is that your good news?
Maddie: No, I took your advice and broke up with Lance. I was blunt... I was direct... and if I do say so myself I was pretty darn mean!
London: So I learned something from you and you learned something from me!
Maddie: Yeah! And now you have a plasma TV and... I don't have a boyfriend.
London: So everybody's happy!
Maddie: I can't believe I'm going out with him again!
London: I can't believe I might have to wear plaid!
Maddie: Teach me to be mean!
London: Teach me to be smart!
Both: Help me!

The Fairest of Them All [#2]

Zack: I mean, this is probably the most boring hotel, in the history of boring hotels!
[A wave of girls walk in]
Cody: Oh Zack [Points to girls]
Zack: I love this hotel!
Cody: None of them has even noticed me.
[Bumps into Rebecca]
Rebecca: Hi
Cody: Stammers
Rebecca: I'm sorry, I don't speak Vietnamese.
Cody: I meant, do you need some help with your bags?
Rebecca: That's very nice of you but I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
Cody: Oh it's ok, I'm not that strange except when I get really nervous I can't stop talking which is odd because I'm aware of it and you'd think I'd know better but for some strange reason...
Rebecca: Alrighty then!
Maddie: I hate beauty pageants.
Carey: I know. I never won one, either.
Maddie: The point is, people award girls for being shallow, plastic robots. What kind of superficial airhead thinks that's cool?
[London enters wearing a beauty pageant sash.]
London: Isn't this cool?
Maddie: Oh, that kind.
Carey: [to Cody] Are you wearing lipstick?
Zack: That's what the fight was about. I put it on him while he was taking a nap.
Carey: [to Zack] That wasn't very nice! [turns to Cody] And that's not your shade.

Maddie Checks In [#3]

Maddie: You recycle?
Jason: Sure, bottles, cans, everything.
Maddie: Since when?
Jason: Since my father bought Oregon and started chopping down trees. You ever heard of Octicorp?
Maddie: The center of all evil?
Jason: That's Dad!
Maddie: Uh, I protest against them.
Jason: Me too!
Maddie: [excited] I got dragged off by a cop!
Jason: I got grounded for two weeks!
Jason: So uh.. I guess I should say goodbye. Or, uh... you could invite me into your suite?
Maddie: [dreamy] My sweet what? Oh, my suite! In the hotel where I live because I'm rich.
Zack: First, we get you an imperial suite.
Maddie: Do you know how much they cost?
Cody: Aww, she thought we're gonna pay.
Zack: Aww, that's sweet. No, we don't pay here, baby.
Zack: Boy, if I were 5 years older, 2 feet taller.
Cody: I'd be squashed!
Mrs. Harrington: I think it's so nice that this wonderful young girl lets a struggling singer and her two twin boys live in her suite.
Carey: [fakes a smile] It's so much nicer than the mini-van we used to live in.
Cody: Is there a hall of fame for this kind of stuff?
Mr. Moseby: Yes, it's called prison.
London: Gloss me.
Zack: Sorry, we're watching the counter for Maddie. We're not allowed to accept money, make change or touch any of the merchandise.
London: Is there anything you can do?
Cody: I can shove 12 gummy worms up my nose. You wanna see?
London: I recycle too.
Kyle: Really?
London: I wore these pearls yesterday.
Mr. Harrington: Fabulous view. You can see the park from here.
Jason: Yes, that's what trees look like before you cut them down
Maddie: I'm not rich. I work at the hotel as a candy counter girl.
Mr. Harrington: I knew she wasn't rich. She's too nice.
Maddie (to London): So we get to meet Usher?
London: Sweetie, Usher gets to meet us.

Hotel Inspector [#4]

Zack: So, is the evil hotel inspector gone yet?
Ilsa: No, she's right here.
Zack: Whoa! What's that on your face? [Carey covers Zack's mouth.]
Moseby: It's a beauty mark!
Cody: But it has a hair on it! [Carey covers Cody's mouth.]
Carey: It's a good thing I don't have triplets! I would run out of hands.
Cody: Thanks for the Red Sox tickets, Mr. Moesby!
Zack: Yeah, we know they're usually reserved for guests, so-
Ilsa: Oh! Ignores guest needs for friends?
Mr. Moesby: They're not my friends.
Ilsa: Ignores guest needs for strangers?
Moseby: Esteban, I want gift baskets for all these guests immediately. Oh, and some catnip for our feline friends.
Esteban: For you, anything! (He looks at Ilsa) And for you, bubkes!
Zack: I just wanted to say that the rat thing was not Mr. Moseby's fault. It was my fault.
Ilsa: Well, that changes things.
Zack: Really?
Ilsa: No!
Carey: Mr. Moseby's just doing his job. He needs to keep this hotel running smooth and you tend to be un-smooth.
Cody: Yeah, un-smooth like when Mom doesn't shave her legs for 2 weeks.
Esteban: Mr. Moesby! The hotel inspector will be here any minute for the surprise inspection!
Moesby: How is it a surprise inspection?
Esteban: Because they sent the fax 2 weeks ago and I forgot to tell you! Surprise!
Ilsa: Get this mutt off of me!
London: (monotone) Stop. Bad dog. No.
Zack: Man, I never thought I'd miss Moseby.
Muriel: (about Ilsa) Yeah, she's a real witch. I'd love to vacuum off that mole!

Grounded on the 23rd Floor [#5]

Maddie: I've arranged the counter. Now tell me, what draws your eye?
Zack: You do, sweet thang!
Maddie: Please. Some of this candy is older than you.
Carey: You have kids?
Moseby: No. And after seeing yours, not gonna happen!
Waiter: Somebody ordered the "I'm sorry for what I did last night" buffet.
Carey: Eggs benedict with caviar?!
Zack: Must be a mistake. We ordered toast and a raisin.
Carey: (to the twins) Anything you want you've got it.
Cody: Get us into the wedding.
Carey: Except that.
(When Zach and London are in the air vent)
London: Man, it stinks in here.
Zack: Sorry.
(When Maddie and Cody are in the air vent)
Maddie: I just wanted to make a little money so a could buy myself a few nice things, because some of us have to work and don't get sent to Paris as a punishment for breaking into Johnny Ripp's dressing room. Man, it stinks in here!
Cody: Sorry.
Zack: (about Maddie) Baby's got it going on! (Makes a shape of an hourglass "body" with his hands)
Carey: She's got what going where?
Zack: I don't know what I am saying.
Carey: We may live in a palace, but we are not royalty.
Zack: I think you're a queen, Mommy.
Carey: Aww.. put a sock in it.
Zack: (about Maddie) What is she doing here?!
Maddie: Saving your butt before I kick it.
Zack: Is that a threat or a promise?
London: When I inherit this hotel, you are so fired!
Maddie: Please! You'll be too busy getting facelifts!


The Prince & The Plunger [#6]

Carey: Serge, you know, that poem you wrote me was so lovely, I wrote a little something for you. "Violets are Blue. Roses are Red. My boys were right. Go soak your head."
Cody: Did you see how those flowers made Mom smile?
Zack: Yeah, it's great. If she has a boyfriend, she'll be so busy being all girly with him, she'll leave us alone!
Cody: And she'll be happy...
Zack: And we'd be able to play that video game!
Cody: And she'll be happy.
Zack: And we won't have to make our beds!
Cody: And she'll be HAPPY!
Zack : You're so selfish! Can't you think of anything besides mom's happiness?

Footloser [#7]

Zack: Mom, guess what? We're gonna be on TV!
Carey: What did you set on fire?!
Mr. Moseby: Esteban, I need you.
Esteban: When I am good and ready!
Mr. Moseby: WHAT did you say ?
Esteban: Now I am good and ready!
Cody: Hey, Max!
Max: Hey, Cody! Where's Zack?
Cody: I'm Zack. Hey there, sweet thang!
Max: He hurt himself, didn't he?
Cody: Yep.

A Prom Story [#8]

Zack: I'm a guy with mature interests.
Maddie: Such as?
Zack: Politics... Culture... PG-13 movies...
Maddie: Uh, London, do you think you could talk to Moseby about getting the ballroom for our prom?
London: Sure.
Jeff: Thank you! You are awesome!
London: Oh I KNOW, I love helping the poor and needy.
Mary: We are not a charity.
London: Have you seen what you're wearing?

Band in Boston [#9]

London: I don't like this tangerine!
Maddie: No, that is a Tam-bo-rine! A tangerine is what the audience is gonna throw at you!
Max: Will you guys stop fighting?
Cody: We are not fighting, we are having a creative discussion.
Zack: We are too fighting.
Cody: Creative discussion!
Zack: Fight!
Cody: Discussion!
Max: I can't believe you guys are fighting about if you're having a fight!
Zack: And we're also 12 and cute!
Maddie: Well I'm 15 and hot!
Max: Everyone knows nothing rhymes with orange.
Tapeworm: Oh yeah? What about "snorange"?
Max: Thank you, Dr. Seuss.
Cody: You got pudding in my whistle!
Tapeworm: And you got whistle in my pudding!
Cody: Zachary!
Zack: Codery!
Cody: I can't understand the words. What I wrote is, "I missed the bus as it came around."
Zack: Who cares? It's just a silly song.
Cody: Silly song? John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is a silly song! "School's Out" is an expose of the trials and tribulations andemoned to the public school experience!
Zack: [Turns to Max] Do you know what he just said?
Max: Yeah, he never gets girls.
Tapeworm: What do we do? We're next, and Zack and Cody still aren't here.
Max: We'll do what all great rock stars do.
Tapeworm: Trash a hotel room?
Zack: Well, at least that's two things we agree on.
Cody: Wanna agree on something else? If we don't get out of here, we won't have any chances of winning!
Zack: I agree.
Cody: Yeah I agree.
Zack: Ok, stop agreeing, you're annoying me now.
Carey: Did I ever tell you about when I was in my first band?
Zack: Yes.
Carey: And how we couldn't work together and eventually broke up?
Zack: Yes. And then your boyfriend stole your car and ran off with your best friend...
Carey: Yeah, yeah, okay. And what did we learn from that story?
Zack: You need to pick better men?

Cody Goes to Camp [#10]

Carey: You guys have never been apart, not ever.
Zack: Except for the first ten minutes when Cody wasn't born. Those were the days.
Zack: I know he's having a miserable time. We have twin telepathy. It's like my brain is receiving phone calls from him.
Carey: Well, you have a bad connection. Hang up.
Zack: Uh, uh. I can sense these things. Remember when Cody broke his leg and I sensed it?
Carey: That's because you fell on him and broke it.
Moseby (to London): Why not? I helped you take your first steps across this very lobby!
London: In designer booties!
Moseby: I helped you roller skate and learn to ride a bike...
London: You're in our family album more than my father or any of his ex-wives!
Carey: (to Zack) My point is, we're in more danger here than he is there. (a car starting is then heard)
Moseby: (to London, outside) FORWARD, NOT REVERSE! (he and London then crash into same room Carey and Zack are)
Zack: Why do I have to ride the hump?
Maddie: Well, you could have driven back with Muriel in the other car.
Zack: Did I mention how much I love the hump?
Carey: Well, I hope you love your room, because that's where you're going to be until you're old enough to drive!
London: Daddy bought me a car to practice on. My friend Porscha is going to teach me.
Moseby: Do you mean the young lady who drove her father's yacht through piers 10, 11, and 12?
London: She was putting on sunscreen.
Carey: Zack, you're gonna miss your brother, too, aren't ya?
Zack: Like a slow-healing scab.

[Zack is trying to call Cody about getting a high-score on a video game he was playing]

Cody: [on cell phone answering machine] Hi. This Cody using my mother's phone. Leave a message, and remember: numbers are your friend.
Zack: Why don't you ever answer this thing?!
Moseby: (about Cody going to math camp) Ooh. Sounds like heaven. You going as well?
Zack: No way! I told the teacher you couldn't pay me to spend 2 weeks with a bunch of math geeks.
Cody: Was that before or after you flunked your math test?
Zack: I'll have you know, I flunked that math test purposely just to get away from you.
Cody: Oh yeah? And who are you avoiding with your "D" in English?
(Zack starts chasing Cody)
Moseby: (to London) Are you familiar with the gear shift?
London: You mean the PRNDL?
Moseby: The what?
London: The PRNDL.
Moseby: Are you referring to the shift lever that says P-R-N-D-L?
London: I'm not a child Moseby, I know how to spell PRNDL.
Moseby: It's not something that you spell, It is a gear shift. The letters stand for Park, Reverse, Neutral, Drive, and Low!
London: You're making me nervous with all this technical talk.
Moseby: Oh! I'm sorry, Why don't we just relax, turn on the radio. Would you like AMMM or FMMMM?!
Tapeworm: I have a calculator that runs on moonlight.
London: Oh, let's find out how rich I am!
London: Maddie, guess where moi is off to?
Maddie: Hopefully French class to learn another word than "moi".
London: No. I'm going to the D.M.V. to get my learner's permit.
Maddie: You're gonna learn to drive?!
London: Oh, it's easy! I've been watching my chauffeur do it for years! But I have to pass their silly test first! Here. (puts a packet on the counter) Quiz me, candy girl.
Maddie: Okay. Oh, here's one. (reading from the packet) "When is it acceptable to park near a red curb?"
London: Well, if I'm wearing green, never. It would clash! Oh, unless it's Christmas!
Maddie: You're gonna do great! GO!
London: Moseby, have you heard the good news?
Moseby: Yes. One of the twins is gone for 2 weeks. It's like falling in love.
Zack: I've got to get up to that camp!
London: Oh! I can drive you!
Maddie: What?!
London: I'll show Moseby how well I can do without him! C'mon!
Maddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there, big girl! You just drove through a building!
London: But there are no buildings on the highway.
Maddie: True, but there are other cars and big trucks, and the occasional cute deer!
Maddie: Now Muriel, are you sure you have a valid license?
Muriel: Oh, loosen up, sweetcheeks, you're bumming us out!
Zack: London, can't you go any faster than 20 miles per hour?!
London: Why?
Maddie: Because we're on an interstate and people are passing us on bicycles.
London: I just want to get there and back in one piece!
Zack: I just wanna get there and back before I'm 30!
Muriel: (when the police pulls them over) Uh-oh! It's the fuzz! Everyone act natural.
Maddie: How does someone who was forced in the middle of the night to drive down a busy interstate at 10 miles an hour act natural?!
Muriel: You can start by shutting your yap!
Muriel: Oh, I love the rush of the road, the wind in my hair.
Maddie: How about the bugs in your teeth?!
Muriel: Well, if you'd keep your yap shut like I told you to, you wouldn't have that problem!
Carey: Esteban, have you seen Zack? I've looked all over for him.
Esteban: Zack? Zack who? Look at the time! [tries to walk away]
Carey: Esteban, ya like nature films?
Esteban: Oh, I love nature films.
Carey: (angrily) Have you ever seen the one about what a mother bear would do to protect her cubs?!
Esteban: London drove him up to Math Camp with Maddie and Muriel! Don't eat me!
Carey: Moesby, Zack took off for math camp!
Moseby: Splendid now they're both gone! It's like falling in love again!
Carey: You don't understand! London is driving.
Moseby: Oh no.
Carey: Oh yeah.
Moseby: They shouldn't be too hard to find! We'll just look for the car that's going in reverse.
Moseby: I suppose I have a slight tendency to be a bit critical.
Zack: Suppose?
Maddie: Slight?
Carey: Tendency?
London: A bit?

To Catch a Thief [#11]

Cody: We'll catch them on tv. Now give me the tape. [Zack gives Cody a video.] I can't use this! This is my first pony ride!
Zack: Fine. I'll get the tape of Mom potty-training us.
Eddie: Yo, look out! Look at all those food.
Nick: What about the the jewels!
Cody: Don't move anywhere! Your cornered around with my knowledge!
Zack: Sure the only fighting skills he has is his brain.
Cody: Hey!
Zack and Maddie laugh at Cody

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad Hotel [#12]

[After learning that there is no treasure]
Esteban: Now I'll never own this hotel.
Maddie: And I'll never be the President.
Cody: I'll never win the Nobel Prize.
Zack: I'll never marry Maddie.
London: On the bright side, I'm still rich. Yay, me!
Carey: Have you seen my kids?
Moseby: No. Have you seen my employees?
Carey: No.
Moseby: I have a bad feeling about this.
Carey: Me, too, but let's stay calm. I'm sure my kids are fine and your hotel is in one piece [hears explosion] or pieces.
Moseby: This painting has been hanging in the Tipton for nearly a hundred years.
Zack: Oh good, now you can buy a new one!
Moseby: Old is good.
Cody: And that's what makes you great!
Esteban: Oh, Mr. Moseby, forgive us. Back home they would tie my arms and legs to four goats and send them off in different directions... It is also what they do for the people with bad backs!
London: I wonder what my life would be like if I found the money... [starts into dream sequence, but then fades out almost immediately] Oh. It would be the same! Yay!
Esteban: [in a dream sequence] Attention guests of Hotel Esteban; it's salsa time! [everyone in the hotel starts dancing to salsa music]

Poor Little Rich Girl [#13]

Mr. Moseby: Your father has to stay incognito.
London: Where is Cognito?
Mr. Moseby: In hiding.
London: Where is Hiding?
London: Just because I have no money, the bank stops being nice to me?
Mr. Moseby: Shocking, isn't it?
London: [about to try to make breakfast cereal] Which goes first, the milk or the cereal?
Zack: It doesn't matter; as long as you remember the bowl.

Cookin' With Romeo and Juliet [#14]

Muriel: My doctor says I should stay away from chocolates... and younger men.
London: Aren't you supposed to be working?
Muriel: What's your point?
London: So Todd really wanted to kiss me?
Maddie: No, he wanted to kiss the plant!
London: Why would he want to kiss the plant?
Maddie: He doesn't. He wants to kiss you!
London: So Todd really wanted to kiss me?
Maddie: It's a special night. Don't make me slap you.
Cody: [to Zack] I don't need anymore of your help! Now just stand over there! [flour is flicked into Zack's face]
Zack: Did you just flick flour into my face?
Cody: Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
Zack: [flicks flour into Cody's face in retaliation] Well maybe I flicked some back, and maybe I didn't.
Cody: [calmly] I know you didn't, because if you did, I'd do this! [cracks an egg over Zack's egg, the yolk running over his head] And that is how you separate an egg!
Zack: And this is how you separate a pie from its pan. [pies Cody in the face and runs off, with Cody chasing him into the lobby]
Cody: [holding a pie] Come back here and take this banana creme pie like a man!
Moseby: He wouldn't! [Cody throws the pie at Zack, who ducks. The pie ends up hitting a socialite in the face] He would!
Carey: Cody, do you have anything to say to your brother?
Cody: [to Zack] I'm sorry I flicked flour in your face.
Carey: Zack?
Zack: [to Cody] I'm sorry you're my brother.
Carey: [sternly] Zack.
Zack: I'm sorry I worked you like a packmule. I was only thinking about the money. Lots and lots of money, bagloads of money-!
Carey: Zack!
Zack: Sorry.
Cody: I didn't mind you making money off of my cooking. I just need some time to get it right... and 40% of the profits.
Zack: 30%.
Cody: Done. [the two spit-shake]
Carey: Okay, but I get 10% of both of your cuts.
Zack and Cody: Done. [attempt to do the spit-shake with Carey]
Carey: It's not worth it.

Rumors [#15]

Maddie: Okay, where did this ridiculous rumor start? Zack, who told you?
Zack: It was Cody!
Cody: It was Muriel!
Muriel: It was Esteban!
Esteban: It was London! Oh, I curse these lips that cannot keep themselves sealed! I know! I will hold them together to keep from spreading rumors again!
Maddie: How would you feel if people were spreading rumors about you?
London: Hey, every time I'm in the paper, my social life just gets better and better.
Maddie: Yeah? Well, my social life is going down the tubes because Chuck heard your lie and dumped me!
London: Oh, honey, I heard a rumor he was gonna dump you anyway.
London: I want whoever it was to be thrown into the Tipton dungeon.
Moseby: We don't have a dungeon, but I can have him fired.
London: From a cannon?
Cody [after presenting his newly dyed hair]: Now people won't mistake me for Zack.
Zack: Although they might mistake you for Muriel!
Cody: What's so funny? Aaah! Oh no! The box said it would be a honey mist auburn!
Zack: Oh honey, you missed auburn big time!

Big Hair & Baseball [#16]

Patrick: Here are your menus. Would you like some crayons?
Carey: [singing] I recommend the Crême Brulée!
Patrick: [singing] I recommend you go away!

Rock Star in the House [#17]

London: Don't worry. I'll get us in there to see him rehearse. After all, he's a celebrity. I'm a celebrity. We're first celebrities once removed.
Moseby: You go in there and you'll be removed.
Cody: I've gotta win this science award. Then I can get into M.I.T. and invent a nanobot that eats oil spills and be able to retire comfortably while taking care of my aging mother and paying my brother's bail money.
Arwin: Zack's in jail?
Cody: Not yet.

Smart and Smarterer [#18]

Zack: You should know that there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I got D's in Math, English, and Social Studies.
Carey: And what's the good news?
Zack: I'm out of bad news.
London: [picking up a chess piece] Maddie, what are these do-hickeys? Are they expensive, and do I want to buy them?
Maddie: No, these are chess pieces. It's a game that's been played for 5000 years.
London: Well, then, someone should have won already.
Zack: So dyslexic, I am?
Mr. Forgess: Well, it like looks it--I mean, it looks like it.

The Ghost of Suite 613 [#19]

Esteban: I mean, we must help the poor, tormented ghostie cross over to a better place.
Maddie: You mean like the St. Mark Hotel, where they'll pay overtime?
Esteban: This is not a joking matter.
Maddie: Obviously you've never seen my paycheck.
Maddie: There's no such thing as ghosts.
London: Wrong, as usual. I've seen this ghost. It was so scary, I dropped my new purse. And left it there!
Maddie: With money in it?
London: Oh, just the regular $1,000 bill every kid gets for allowance... [Maddie, Zack and Cody suddenly bolt for the elevator.] Hey! Just 'cause I don't need it, doesn't mean it's not mine.
London: The ghost stole my money. She is so dead!
Carey: (to Cody) Honey, you do whatever you want, but there's no such thing as ghosts. If there were, my mother in-law would still be haunting me.

Dad's Back [#20]

Zack: Don't take this the wrong way. I'm going home to Mother.
Kurt: That's what your mother said when she left me, and a few other things I can't mention.
Kurt: Come on, have a sense of humor!
Carey: I married you, didn't I?
Kurt: There it is!
Carey: (to Kurt after he, Cody and Zack watched a horror movie) You do realize that the last time Cody saw a horror film, I had to get rid of the monsters by scrubbing down his room with holy water.

Christmas at the Tipton [#21]

Moseby: Esteban, the hotel limo is just out front. See if the driver can make it to the airport. Free of charge, of course.
Zack: You would really do that for us, Mr. Moseby?
Moseby: Of course, Zack. I want you boys to have the best Christmas possible even if it means being far, far, far away from my hotel!
Maddie: [after receiving London's gift] But I wanted a car... that would keep all of me warm.
London: I made it with my own two hands.
Maddie: It looks like you made it with your own two feet!
London: I thought you'd be happy that I put so much effort into it. You're always accusing me of being superficial.
Maddie: And you had to pick Christmas to become deep?

Kisses and Basketball [#22]

London: It's just there are so many beautiful things out there to buy. How can you possibly resist them?
Maddie: I have no money.
London: Well, some of us aren't that lucky.
Maddie: All right, all right. I'll help you. Give me your credit cards. [holds out her hand to accept them. London gives her one.] Mmmhmm... [London gives her another.] Mmmhmm...[London pulls a wallet full of credit cards out of her purse and gives it to Maddie. Maddie takes them and they all fall out.]
London: Take care of my babies. They like to be taken out twice a day.
[Zack and Max reach for the same piece of cake]
Zack: I'm not hungry.
Max: Me neither
Carey: What's going on?
Arwin: Isn't it obvious? [whispers] They're not hungry!
London: Yep. I've hit rock bottom. And I don't like rock bottom. It's so rock bottomy.

Pilot Your Own Life [#23]

Teen Trend Lady: Good, London, good. Now give us a snobby look.
London: I have about twenty different ones. Which one do you want?
Teen Trend Lady: One that says "Only I can afford these clothes!"
London: Ooh! Number seven! One of my favorites!
Teen Trend Lady: Perfect. Now, that is a wrap!
London: Actually, it's a really shiny scarf!
Carey: You're using my son as a spy?
Maddie: Oh, like you're using him for anything better.
Carey: I actually cooked...for three hours!
Zack: Not for me. I'm stuffed.
Cody: Mom, do you ever find yourself feeling discouraged, unfulfilled, unappreciated?
Carey: Not if you eat my casserole!
Cody: Not gonna happen...
Mr. Moseby: (to Cody) You may be the first motivational speaker ever to have his allowance taken away.
London: Daddy always says, competition's a good thing. It's a chance to crush people.
Zack: (about Troy Robbins) This guy just talks and talks and...
Cody: It's a lecture.
London: [to Maddie] Well, that was your mistake!
Maddie: Well, your mistake was taking on Madeline Margaret Genevieve Miranda Catherine Fitzpatrick!
London: Fine! Stay in! I'll...beat all of you!
London: Well, you were wrong, with a capital R.
Cody: [to Zack] Okay, what are you gonna do for your school community service?
Zack: I thought I'd see a movie, then go tell poor people about it.
Cody: Zack, this is a chance for us to really help people. I'm thinking about working with kids.
Zack: I hate kids.
Cody: You better take this seriously or you're gonna fail while I get an A.
Zack: You're one of the kids I hate.
Cody: Mom, please tell me everything went okay with your demo CD.
Carey: Oh, yeah. The guy at the record company said I'd have a future as a cabaret singer. He suggested I check out The Tipton. Apparently, I just spent $500 to find out I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!
Cody: At least I know I'll get a better community service grade than Zack.
Zack: I wouldn't be so sure about that. Mr. Moseby let me take all the buffet leftovers to the Mission. The mayor was there and he's giving me an award for helping out the homeless.
Cody: You?! An award? You can't even spell award.
Zack: Don't have to. It'll be on the plaque. Who's getting an A in community service now, huh?
Cody: I hate that kid.
Carey [to the twins]: Hey, guys. What'cha been doing?
Cody: Inspiring people to reach their full potential and achieve their dreams.
Carey: It's never just "playing ball" with you.
Maddie: You're going down!
London: You're going downer!

Crushed [#24]

Agnes: You're my Little Rebel. Agnes Likes!
Zack: But... [Agnes puts finger on Zack's lips.]
Agnes: Shh. Don't speak. Your eyes speak for you.
Zack: I wished they'd shut up!
Cody: Agnes, what Zack is trying to say is, you came on a little strong.
Zack: No, what Zack is trying to say is [opens door] "Leave."

Commercial Breaks [#25]

Boston Holiday [#26]

Zack: Try this hot dog.
Sanjay: In this country you eat dogs?
Zack: No, a hot dog is made of... well, nobody really knows for sure.
Zack: I have a plan.
Cody: [to Sanjay] Don't listen to him. That's what he always says right before we get grounded.
Zack: No, this plan is sure-fire.
Cody: Correction. That's what he always says right before we get grounded.

Season 2 (2006-2007)

Odd Couples [#27]

Trevor: [talking about a painting] This is either a work of staggering genius or it was painted by a cat.
London: How does he hold the brush?
[Inside Cody's closet]
Bob: Isn't this awesome?
Jeremy: It's like a little house.
Warren: It's elegant yet casual.
Bob: It's sophisticated yet tasteful.
Zack: I think it's stupid yet stupid.
London: Nope. Except what I said about the banana nut muffins. I really do love them. They're soft from the banana yet crunchy from the nuts.
Trevor: (turns to Maddie)
Maddie: It doesn't get any deeper than that. Good news is, nut girl would probably vote for you unlike me.
Trevor: Oh yeah? Well I don't need the vote of some tree hugger.
Maddie: If you have it your way there won't be any trees left to hug.
Trevor: Next you're going to blame the oil companies for global warming.
Maddie: Yes, because they're to blame!
Trevor: Oh, cry me a river!
Maddie: If I did you'd pollute it!
Trevor: You bleeding heart liberal!
Maddie: Establishment puppet!
Trevor: Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?
Maddie: I'm surprised that someone as smart as you would have to ask! (kisses Trevor)
London: (turns to a guy) Wow, didn't see that coming.
Maddie: (lets go) I hate you!
Trevor: I hate you more! (kisses Maddie again)
London: I wonder what they would do if they liked each other.
London [looking at Trevor]: Oooh, that nerd's cute.
Maddie: Yeah, he is!
London: Called him!
Maddie: Oh, please. Like that guy would give you the time of day.
London: Why would I ask him what time it is?
Maddie: You got me!
London [approaches Trevor]: Hi!
Trevor: Hi.
London: Are you here for the merit scholar thing?
Trevor: Yeah, yeah, I'm Trevor, Phi Beta Kappa.
London: I'm London. Buy Lots'o'Stuff'a.

[Zack enters the room cleaned by Cody]

Cody: Where have you been? I asked you to get me some more dust rags half an hour ago!
Zack: I couldn't find any.
Cody: Where did you look?
Zack: The refrigerator. All I found was two bagels, a soda and some cheese balls.
Cody: The guys will be here any minute. Get the game board.
Zack: Ok.
Cody: [drops a coin on his perfectly done bed] Perfect! [turns back to see Zack's bed covered with different objects] Wow! What the... How the... I was just...
Zack: Found it!
Cody: The game board?
Zack: And the other half of my sandwich!
Cody: If mum sees this, she'll be ticked. And I am not, repeat - NOT...
Zack: Not.
Cody: Cleaning this up again.
Zack: Fine.
Cody: I'm not.
Zack: Ok.
Cody: I mean it.
Zack: I know.
Cody: I've got to clean it up!!
Trevor: And then she said "who" instead of "whom". I'm not a grammar snob, but it's just egregious when somebody uses the subjective case instead of the accusative case, hahaha!
London: [understanding nothing] Hahahaha! Will you accuse me for one moment? [approaches Maddie] Maddie, help me! I can't get through this lunch.
Maddie: Uh! ok. The fork is the one with the pointy end.
London: No, look I mean I can't understand a single thing he says. Give me my opinion on something.
Maddie: Oh. Just tell him your favorite composer is Bach.
London: Where's he been?
Maddie: He's dead.
London: So he came Bach from the dead?
Carey: OK guys. That's it. You've got to clean up. Cody, get to work. Zack, get a bulldozer.

French 101 [#28]

London [to a purse snatcher]: You can't have this purse! It doesn't match your outfit!
[Bob comes into the lobby and sees Cody chasing Zack.]
Bob: Where are they going?
Moseby: With any luck, the Bermuda Triangle
Cody: How do I look? And be brutal.
Zack: Like a backstabbing French-girl-stealing jerk in a goofy sweater vest.
Cody: You really think it looks goofy?
Cody: I know what you're up to! Don't think for one second I don't know what you're up to! I know exactly what you're up to! What are you up to??
Cody: I wanna ask Jolie out. Can you translate for me?
Mr. Moseby: I'd rather lick the inside of a city bus.

Day Care [#29]

London: You never gave up on me when I was learning the alphabet!
Moseby: But that took 14 years!
London: And now I know my ABDs.
Esteban: [sings] Rock-a-bye, chicken, in the tree top. Watch out for the farmer. Your head he will chop. [the children start crying]
Zack: Don't you know any lullabies that don't involve decapitating poultry?
Johnny: Do you like coloring?
Cody: I sure do, little one! In the first grade, I won a free ice cream sundae for my work on the "Enchanted Pony Island Coloring Book"!
Johnny: You're weird.
Zack: He's got you pegged.
[Johnny kicks Cody's shin]
Cody: Ow! Little boy, don't you know it's not nice to kick people in the shin?
[Johnny steps on Cody's foot]
Cody: Ow! Look, Kid, I know Santa, and someone just made the Naughty List!
Johnny: I'm Jewish!
Zack: Hey, look Maddie. I'm recycling. Do you know why? 'Cause I love this planet as much as I love you.
[Maddie rubs hair of Zack]
Maddie: Good for you.
Zack: (to Cody) She wants me.
Carey: I am so pleased that you boys care about the environment.
Zack: Hey, recycling cans is important, and I love this planet, and I want our children to live in a better place...
Cody: Maddie is not here.
Zack: [handing Cody a bag of cans] Oh... Then you carry this junk.
Zack: Did I ever tell you how pretty you are when you're angry?
Maddie: Well, I must be gorgeous because I'm furious!

Heck's Kitchen [#30]

Cody: Zack, stuff the chicken with vegetables!
Zack: What if she doesn't like them?
Cody: She's dead.
Zack: Well, then, that'll make it easier!
Cody: London, get out there and toss a salad.
London: At who?
Zack: Cody! There's a supermodel checking in! Come on!
Cody: I can't. I have a hot duck in the oven.
Zack: Well, I have a hot blonde in the lobby. Which is more important?
Moseby: Cody, you hang out in the hotel kitchen a lot, don't you?
Cody: Yes!
Moseby: Well, don't. I just got a tip that the food critic Bernard Bernaise is coming to the hotel tomorrow. A good review from him will enhance the Tipton's reputation, thus showering me with glory.
Cody: Don't you mean showering chef Paolo in glory?
Moseby: Him, too.
Cody: After all, the man's a genius. The things he can do with asparagus... I need a moment...
Zack: You need a life!
London: Is the critic here yet?
Moseby: Oh, well, there's no way of knowing. According to my secret source, he always checks in under an alias.
Maddie: You have a secret source?
Moseby: At the league of extraordinary hotel managers. If only I could find out which guest he is, then I could make sure he gets the perfect dining experience.
Maddie: So what you are saying is you need someone to spy on all the guests?
London: Someone sly and crafty.
Moseby: Someone who's willing to break all the rules to get what he wants.
[They turn towards Zack and Cody]
Zack: You know... we don't come cheap!
Patrick: Garry and Richard are the only waiters who can do table-side service.
Cody: London! Get Garry and get Rich.
London: I'm already rich.
Maddie: London, lettuce.
London: Let us what?
Cody: My poor Seafood Medley...
Zack: It's seafood deadly now!

Free Tippy [#31]

Moseby: [talking to Mr. Tipton on cell phone] No, sir, that's Mrs. Delacourt.
Mrs. Delacourt: [talks into phone] Of the Boston Delacourts. We own the larger island next to yours. By the way, your yacht looks a tad ratty!
Maddie: [about the replacement brooch] London, that is not the point. This one doesn't have sentimental value.
London: That's right. It has dollar-mental value.
Cody: You know, Tim always obeys me.
Zack: He's a rock!
Zack: You don't have to do everything Mr. Moseby says. We like to think of his rules more as... suggestions.
Carey: If I give you guys pets, will you stop bugging me?
Twins: Yes.
Carey: Pet rocks. Don't overfeed them.
Cody: I'm gonna name mine Tim.

Forever Plaid [#32]

Carey: You're gonna write those girls an apology and an essay on why peeping is wrong. Five hundred words each.
Zack: Five hundred words? Couldn't you just ground us?
Carey: One thousand.
Zack: One thousand!
Carey: Two thousand. You wanna go for three?
Cody: Quit while we're behind. You don't even know three thousand words.
Cody:(after lamp hits wall) Oh no!
Zack: Wonder what Mr. Moseby will say?
Mr. Moseby: (appearing in doorway) I don't know. Let's ask him.
Corrie: I can't believe London is in our English class.
London: (to Mary-Margaret) She scares me.
Corrie: I scare London Tipton!
London: Look, Sis. Can I give that assignment thingy to you another day?
Sister Dominick: Sure, Lon. Any day in particular you had in mind?
London: (takes out phone) Friday won't work cause I have yoga. Party on Monday. Can I have my people get back to your people?
Sister Dominick: My people are hard to reach. It's a long distance call.
London: Well, now you're just being difficult.
Maddie: This is the cafeteria. What do you want for breakfast, London? London?
London: I look horrible.
Maddie: We're all wearing the same thing.
London: You look horrible too.
London: (to Maddie) Thanks to you, Mary-Margaret and I can't go to the fashion show. I hate you.
Mary-Margaret: You were gonna take me?
London: Yeah.
Mary-Margaret: (to Maddie) I hate you too.
London: This is just like prison. Only the outfits are worse.
Sister Dominick: I'll be back in an hour. No one move.
London: What if I have to go to the bathroom?
Sister Dominick: HOLD IT. And remember he IS WATCHING.
Mr. Moseby: London, I have a message from your father. He is outraged by your poor attendance record at school.
London: How'd he find out?
Mr. Moseby: He went to your school open house and they've never heard of you.
Maddie: That's my School what are the odds.<laughs>
[Moseby nods Maddie starts sobbing]

Election [#33]

Cody: Promise me that nobody will get hurt.
Maddie: I can't make that promise!
Cody: Oddly, I'm OK with that.
Zack: Hey, Maddie, I'm running for class president!
Maddie: Great! What's your platform?
Zack: "Vote for Zack."
Maddie: No, that's your slogan. Your platform covers the issues you care about. What do you care about most?
Zack: I care about the people who vote for Zack!
Zack: You back-stabbing lowlife jerk!
Carey: You better be talking to him.
Zack: I am.
Carey: Well, don't talk to him like that.
Zack: Cody actually has some very good ideas. I've got nothing.
Bob: What about ice cream and skate parks? (crowd agrees)
Zack: Like that'll happen. What do you guys still believe in, the Tooth Fairy?
Arwin: I for one am voting for Cody.
Max: You don't go to school here.
Arwin: Oh. Well if I went to school here, I'd vote for Cody.
Arwin: (about the 24-hour bellhop) This will increase efficiency by 13.4%.
Moseby: How did you arrive at that figure?
Arwin: I made it up.

Moseby's Big Brother [#34]

Carey: Having a younger sibling can be tough. I remember torturing my younger sister.
Moseby: I didn't know you had a sister.
Carey: Yeah. She doesn't talk to me any more.
Cody: It's about doing your homework, eating your broccoli when Mom isn't looking!
Zack: You offered it to me!
Cody: Yeah, because that's what brothers do for each other! But it's never reciprocal!
Zack: Huh?
Cody: Reciprocal means it would be nice if you did something for me for a change!
Zack: I did! You offered me money and I took it!
Cody: Can we go ride our bikes?
Carey: Sure.
Zack: Great. One small problem. Don't have any.
Carey: With what I made last month and with what you spent. What we have left for bikes is -$12.
Zack: Can I get my -$6 in cash.
Zack: I can't believe Mom is making us buy our own bikes. What's she good for?
Cody: Food, shelter, clothing, love.
Zack: Well, you can't ride love to the mall.

Books & Birdhouses [#35]

Cody: Take an easy class? Like wood shop?
Zack: What makes you think wood shop is easy?
Cody: Duh, you're taking it.
Zack: Do you think wood grows on trees?
Carey: Relax, Cody. I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself.
Cody: I'm not putting too much pressure on me. Harvard's putting too much pressure on me! Yale is putting too much pressure on me! Princeton! M.I.T! Stanford! Do you think they're out there looking for under-achievers? If I don't ace woodshop, I'll end up being one of those guys who sells hot dogs and sleeps in a taxi!
Zack: Hey! How much does that pay?
Sister Dominick: What's going on here?
London: Maddie's jealous because I'm a best selling author on top of being rich and beautiful.
Zack: What are you doing?
Cody: Getting ready to drill a hole.
Zack: Well, here in woodshop we tuck in our shirts before we use tools.
Cody: But this shirt is a 100% linen, if I tuck it in and take it out, it will be wrinkled.
Zack: Well, there's a 100% chance you'll be wrinkled when you get sucked into a sander. These safety rules were made for your own protection.
Cody: Oh, yeah? And who came out with them?
Bob: Nine-fingered Nick.

Not So Sweet 16 [#36]

Maddie: Great news!
Esteban: The revolution has begun in my country and they want to put my grandmama back on the throne?
Carey: London, when you said you wanted me to sing to the guests, I thought it would be in the main room, not the bathroom.
London: I want my guests to be entertained at all times.
Carey: Well, now my career is literally in the toilet.
Maddie: This is so unfair! I have to have my party at the Goose Lodge because my brother needs braces. (to Liam) Thanks a lot, you thumb sucker!
Liam: You have no friends! Except this creepy dweeb!
Zack: Come over here, booger! I'll straighten your teeth!
Zack: (to Cody) Fine, then I guess I won't find Maddie the perfect gift and she'll never love me. And we'll never get married, forcing me to live on your couch, eating your food, not doing my laundry year after year.
Cody: Okay, stop it already!
Maddie: London, this isn't fair. Your birthday was 6 months ago.
London: So? I can have my party whenever I want.
Maddie: I seem to remember on your actual birthday you took a cruise around the Mediterranean. What do you call that?
London: Tuesday.
Zack: (to Cody about his gift to Maddie) I'll buy it off you! Name your price.
Cody: Ten thousand dollars!
Zack: Name a lower price!
Zack: What did you get her?
Cody: A tea set, including a China cup with her name painted on it, her favorite tea imported from India, and a box of cinnamon sticks.
Zack: Well, how did you know she wanted all that?
Cody: Because last week, she said to us, "For my birthday, I'd really like a China cup with my name painted on it, my favorite tea imported from India, and a box of cinnamon sticks."
Zack: What was I doing when she said that?
Cody: Staring at her, thinking about that talk we had with Dad.

Twins at the Tipton [#37]

Zack: I wanna make fun of Cody before his date, and it's always nice to have backup.
Bob: Actually, I'm here because there is no date... Irma postponed it.
Zack: When?
Bob: When I say postponed, I mean dumped!
Zack: She dumped him? That'll crush him! We'll have to break it to him gently. [Cody walks in.] Hey, Cody! Welcome to the club!
Cody: What club?
Zack: The-Guys-Who-Aren't-Dating-Irma Club.
Bob: That's your idea of gentle?
Zack: Hey, I didn't kick him.
Cody: You're lying.
Bob: I got it directly from the source. Irma told Kim who told Phill who told Ashley who told Brenda who told Dylan who told Cole who told me... [breathes in for air] It's over.
Cody: But why? What happened?
Bob: She got back together with her camp boyfriend.
Cody: No! Not Joaquin! The one with the 12-speed bike and the puka shell necklace! This is horrible.
Zack: Ok, buddy, this was a tough break, but there are lots of fish in the sea.
Cody: [crying] I don't want a fish... I want I-i-irma!
Zack: Come on, with whiskers like those, she looks like a catfish!
Kirk: I'd like a chocolate bar, please.
Maddie: [See's Kirk and gets exited] You can have anything you want!
Kirk: [blank look on his face] I'd like a chocolate bar, please.
Maddie: You're a man with a purpose. I like that. So, are you twin?
Kirk: Yeah, are you?
Maddie: No, my parents are old-fashioned. They like to make 'em one at a time.
Zack: Ooh! look at that cute girl over there. Ooh! and there she is again! One for each of us!
Cody: I already have a girl, my beautiful Irma.
Zack: Your beautiful Irma happens to have more hair on her upper lip than you do.
Zack: How about I show you one of Boston's most elegant restaurants? Ever had a 7-meat pizza?
Jessica: That sounds intriguing! ...Or disgusting...
Zack: It's both! So, how about it?
Jessica: Thanks! But... I don't go anywhere without my sister Janice.
Zack: No problem. I'll take my vitamins.
Jessica: I meant - could you bring your brother?
Zack: That's another way to go...
Zack: Dude! Look at you! The suite but you're a mess! You need to get back out there. But you might wanna take off the apron first.
Cody: I told you I'm not ready.
Zack: I understand. Only time can mend a broken heart.
Cody: Thank you.
Zack: You've got five minutes. Because that's when Jessica and Janice are gonna be here for our date.
Cody: What part of "not going" don't you understand?
Zack: The "not" part. Dude, they're twins! Gorgeous twins! On vacation! What they do in Boston stays in Boston!
Zack: And then I get back and they're all crying into their pizza!
Carey: Well, honey, I'm sorry your date was ruined, but you got what you deserved.
Zack: Is there no shoulder for me to cry on?
Carey: You pushed you brother to go out before he was ready just so you could have fun. Honey, it's gonna be a long time before he's comfortable around girls.
Cody [entering the suite with Jessica and Janice, all laughing]: I had a wonderful time, ladies.
Jessica: Don't forget, see you tomorrow for breakfast.
Janice: Tea and scones! [they both kiss Cody's cheeks]
Cody: Pip, pip! Cheerio! Ta-ta! Peace out! [girls leave] Yes! Zack, I can't thank you enough. If you hadn't told me to get back out there, I'd be sitting here alone and so depressed! ♪Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the wave...♪
Dirk: We're fraternal twins.
London: No you're not. You don't look anything alike.

Neither a Borrower Nor a Speller Bee [#38]

Zack: It's my motto: "Aim low and avoid disappointment."
Cody: I thought your motto was "Sleep and eat."
Zack: It's my other motto, and it's not as easy as it seems. Sometimes you eat too much and you can't sleep. Sometimes you sleep too much and miss the meals.
Cody: Boy, your life is such a delicate balance.
Zack: You have no idea!
Carey: What have I told you, Zack? "Neither a borrower nor a lender be."
Zack: Well, I'm halfway there. I never lend.
Carey: I spelled it p-o-l-i-t-i-c-k-s.
Zack: So you got it right.

Bowling [#39]

Carey: You locked him in the hallway with no clothes.
Zack: But two weeks of no TV is cruel and unusual punishment.
Carey: Don't push it. And if you do it again, I'll ground you so long they'll write country music songs about it.
Carey: What is it with you? I tell you not to do something, and you promise not to do it, and you do it anyways!
Zack: Life, it's all a learning experience.
Cody: I hate those rented shoes. Two hours in the shower and I can still feel the fungus between my toes!
Zack: Speaking of fungus, hand me that soda.
Cody: What does that have to do with fungus?
Zack: Nothing. I just want my danged soda!
Cody: Why can't you get your danged soda yourself?
Zack: Mr. Moseby wants me to ice my bowling arm.
Cody: Boy, you are milking this star player thing...
Zack: Speaking of milking things, I need you to do my current events homework. Mr. Moseby wants me to ... rest my ... golden arm...
Cody: Well, you better get the newspaper first, because you're doing your own stinking homework.
Zack: Fine, fine, fine. But if I pull a finger muscle, it's on your head.
Cody: Well, it's better than where it usually is, up your nose, digging for gold.
Zack: That's funny... [Zack opens the door to leave the suite] Hey, check it out! There's some loser on a hall in a towel!
Cody: No way! Who is it?
Zack: You! [Zack pushes Cody and closes the door]
London: [cheering] We've got spirit, yes, we do. We've got spirit, how 'bout- you? [bumps into Ilsa's brawny bowler Hilda]
Hilda: We've got spirit, ya, we do. Shut your mouth, OR I'LL CRUSH YOU!!
Moseby: [learning that Zack has been grounded before the bowling match] I beg you to punish Zack on a regular basis, but just when I need him the most, you get tough. You hate me, don't you?

Kept Man [#40]

Zack: Me and Cody were going to see Killer Koala.
Theo: Saw it. He was framed by the platypus.
Zack: I've learned two things today. It's that, one, you can't buy friendship; and two, city bus drivers take pity on you when you're half naked.
Zack: Mr. Moseby, you think you could open the icecream bar a bit earlier today?
Moseby: Absolutely not, there is no...
Theo: I could go for an ice cream.
Moseby: Consider it open! Let me call our frozen confections engineer.
Zack: Thanks man, that was awesome!
Theo: Need anything else?
Cody: Yeah, a basketball that comes back up after it hits the ground.
Theo: Well, why won't you come back to my place. I've got dozens of basketballs and a regulation court.
Zack: You have a basketball court outside your house?
Theo: Inside, right next to the bowling alley. [to Moseby] Tell mom I'm taking the car.
Zack: You have a car?
Theo: Well, if you consider a stretched limo with a hot tub and a big screen tv a car then yeah...
Zack: Dude, where have you been all my life!
Cody: Hot tub - called it!
Moseby: Why is there a crying baby in the lobby?
Maddie: It's not a real baby it's our homework assignment.
Moseby: Well, can you have that homework assignment to shut up?

The Suite Smell of Excess [#41]

Esteban: It's raining lamas and goats outside.
London: Don't you mean cats and dogs?
Esteban [giggles]: That's a silly expression. Why must all women shop so much? Uh, nine shopping bags?
London: One for every day of the week!
Maddie: I bet you also think that a woman's place is in the kitchen!
Esteban: Only after she gets back from the grocery store!
Maddie: Oh, that attitude is so typically male! I'll have you know, women are capable of doing anything!
Esteban: How about talking quietly?
Cody: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Zack: Chihuahuas have freakishly huge ears. I mean, compared to their bodies, they're massive!
Cody: NO!
Carey: And just where do you two think you're going?
Cody [to Zack]: I don't get it. She didn't even turn around!
Zack: Ok. The eyes in the back of her head thing is really creepy!
Carey: Just so you know, my vision is twenty-twenty-twenty-twenty. You are not playing hockey without helmets and a whole bunch of pads, anything that looks like skin - go cover it.
Zack: Speaking of helmets and pads, if we wear them, could we go bungee jumping later?
Carey: Not even off your bed.
Cody: Bob's parents said he could go.
Carey: And if Bob's parents let him jump off the bridge, would you wanna do that too?
Zack: If we were attached to a bungee cord!
Carey: Not even if you were still attached to my umbilical cord.
Zack: Ok, ewww...
Cody: Why won't you let us have any fun?
Carey: It's my job. It's the first thing they teach you in mom's school. I discipline because I care.
Zack: Well, couldn't you care less? We're not kids you know!
Cody: Yeah, can't you treat us like adults?
Carey: As soon as I don't have to buy my own Mother's Day cards.
Cody: Fine, we'll read.
Zack: Careful Cody, you better put your helmet on. Those are hard cover books.
Cody: Is this safe enough for you mom? Ow! paper cut! Mommy, kiss it!

[Zack and Cody enter Arwin's office while he is holding a paper board model of Carey]

Zack: Hey Arwin, what are you...
Cody: Ok, that's a little disturbing...
Arwin: I was just practicing asking your mom out, because everytime I try to ask your real mom, I get lost in her big brown beautiful eyes...
Cody: Arwin!
Arwin: Yeah!
Cody: Put mom in the drawer and come play with us!
Zack: I mean, everytime we ask someone to play with us, they all say the same thing.
Arwin: I don't have time.
Zack: Yeah!
Arwin: No, no, I mean I really don't have time. See, when I'm not practicing my dating skills, I'm working on a secret project. So secret in fact, that no power on earth can make me tell you what it is.
Zack: Then we won't ask.
Arwin: Ok, ok, I'm gonna tell you! Ready? 3, 2, 1, tada! Aaaaaah! Yeah!
Cody: Wow... a pay phone...
Zack: You invented something that nobody uses anymore.

Going for the Gold [#42]

Irv: [walks over to Carey] The name's Weldon. Irv Weldon. And I like to be shaken, not stirred.
Arwin: Oh, that Weldon is as smooth as porcelain.
Zack: You're gonna be fine Arwin. The first event is in ten minutes.
Cody: Have you found a happy place to think about?
Arwin: Well, actually, at first it was me and mother on a lovely tropical cruise... Then a storm hit and the waves were huge, and then her wheelchair rolled off the side, and I yelled: "Mother, throw me the house keys!"
Zack: Okey... How about thinkging about a nice cookie?
Arwin: Uh, that'll work!
Moseby: Well, most things worth getting require hard work. Which is an experience, shall I say, you have been deprived of.
London: How so?
Moseby: Whenever you want something, you just call daddy and he gets it for you.
London: It's not as easy as it looks. Daddy has a lot of different numbers.
Zack: That was amazing! How did you hit ten free-throws in a row?
Cody: New system. I realized, if I picture myself in the happy place, all the pressure goes away.
Zack: Where's your happy place?
Cody: Can't say. You might show up.
Arwin: Done!
Cody: A minute, ten seconds.
Arwin: Aaargh! I'll never beat Irv. I'm such a loser. Loser, loser, loser! [hits his forehead with his hand]
Zack: You've got to be more positive. Try this: winner, winner, winner! [hits Arwins forehead with Arwin's hand]
Arwin: No, that doesn't work so well either.
Cody: Well, I've got a great technique to keep from getting nervous. Think of a happy place and all the pressure will just melt away.
Arwin: Well, thanks, but no matter how happy the place, it'll never be me up on that winner's podium accepting the Golden Plunger and a kiss from the plunger girl...
[Carey enters]
Carey: Come on guys, time to get home.
Cody: Can't we stay a little longer mom?
Carey: I'm sorry, but I've got to get upstairs and work on that stupid song, the Tipton's hosting some kind of geek games. Moseby's making me sing at the opening ceremonies and hand out the Golden Plunger.
Arwin: You're the plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo- [Zack hits him in the back] plunger girl? [Carey nods] Wildon's going down.
Cody: Don't you call our mom a fair-haired beauty!
Zack: Yeah. You should see her in the morning, there ain't nothing beautiful about it.
Irv: Hey plunger girl, I can't wait for our lips to meet.
Carey: I just... I just threw up a little bit...
Maddie: London, customers. Ok, be cool. Act like we've done this before.
London: Gotcha.
Maddie: Hello, ladies. Welcome to London's, a fabulous fashion boutique. Can I help you with something?
Customer 1: We're just looking. Thank you.
London: Oh, that is not for you.
Customer 1: Excuse me?
London: Those dresses are made for women with an hourglass figure. You're shaped like a pumpkin. And you're more like a butternut squash.
Customer 1: Oh!
Customer 2: Oh!
Customer 1: I have never in my life...
Maddie: I happen to love butternut squash. I love all the winter vegetables!

Boston Tea Party [#43]

Maddie: [about George Washington] He's the guy on the $1 bill.
London: They make a $1 bill?
Maddie: Give me liberty-
Cody: Or give me death!
Zack: Is there a third choice?
Moesby: Stop the bulldozers! I got the injunct-AAAAHHHH!
Arwin: Did you hear that? He said he got the injunct-AAAAHHHH!

Have a Nice Trip [#2.18]

Moseby: What happened?
Zack: Why do you always look at me?
Moseby: Force of habit. What was it, the rascally elves?
Cody: Where would she have learned to con people like that?
Zack: I'm thinking she was home schooled.

Ask Zack [#2.19]

Cody: How do you know Darlene is talking about you? Oh, yeah, she said "obnoxious."
Cody: I've got great news! I just got appointed Editor of the school paper!
Zack: We have a school paper?
Cody: Yeah. You know, there's free copies outside the Library.
Zack: We have a Library?
Cody: Okay, I don't blame you for not reading the Revere Express. It stinks, but Ms. Cohen expects me to turn it around, the same way I turned around the Math Lab.
Zack: We have a Math Lab?

That's So Suite Life of Hannah Montana [#2.20]

Separate article. Please click here.

What the Hey [#2.21]

Maddie: I just heard the good news.
London: Yes, I just bought my 1000th pair of shoes.
Maddie: No! Your father's getting remarried!
London: You call that news?
Moseby: Oh dear, did I just hear you say there's another new Mrs. Tipton?
London: Uh-huh.
Moseby: I wish I would've known. I would have bought them an extravagant gift, although the warranties on my last two gifts lasted longer than the marriages.

A Midsummer's Nightmare [#2.22]

Bob: Am I too late to audition? I hope...
Mr. Forgess: Hey, Bob, I'm happy to see you here. I didn't know you had an interest in Shakespeare.
Bob: I don't. My mom said it was this or oboe lessons.
Mr. Forgess: Huh, love the enthusiasm!
Cody: I'm Bottom?
Zack: That part must stink!
Cody: But that's the character who gets turned into a donkey.
Bob: A donkey named Bottom? Definitely stinks!
Cody: Oh, yeah? What part did you get?
Bob: Well, whatever it is, it's got to be better than Bottom.
Agnes: You're Puck, the fairy.
Bob: A fairy? I hate my Mom!
Vanessa (after hearing that Cody and Gwen broke up): If you need a shoulder to cry on...I'm available.
Zack: NO! I mean...he can't. He has a...meeting with the Geek Club!
Cody: It's the Glee Club.
Zack: Have you seen the people that walk in there?!
Carey [to Zack]: Come on, Pumpkin!
Zack: Mom, ix-n-ay on the umpkin-p-ay.
Carey: Orry-s-ay.
Gwen: (to Zack, dressed up as Lysander) What are you doing, my Lysander? It's me you love, remember?
Mr. Forgess: (clapping; to Zack) Oh, wow! Great audition! Isn't that a beautiful speech? "Behold." No one says that anymore. Why not? It's a perfectly good word. Behold, my tie is blue! Behold, I got it on sale!
Cody: Behold, Mr. Forgess has toilet paper stuck to his shoe!
Mr. Forgess: Oh, hey, that's very good. (looks at his shoe) Oh! Uh, I'll be right back.
Gwen: Hey, Cody. I was thinking, and it might be a good idea if we see other people.
Cody: Other people? We've barely seen each other.
Gwen: Oh, come on, we've had some pretty good times.
Cody: You mean yesterday?
Gwen: Exactly, glad you understand.
London: I'm back! Who missed me? (nobody in the lobby pays attention to her)I brought presents!(everyone starts welcoming her back)
Mr. Moseby [to London]: How was your stay at the Tokyo Tipton?
London: Fantastic!
Mr. Moseby: Not as fantastic as the Boston Tipton, right?
London: Actually, Daddy says the Tokyo Tipton is the best Tipton ever.
Mr. Moseby: Oh, yeah? What's so great about it?
London: The lobby there was decorated according to the Asian principles of Feng Shui. I mean, you can really feel the difference in the energy flow. It went right through you.
Maddie: Are you sure you didn't just eat some bad sushi? (laughs)
(London glares at her)
London: See, this is a Ba Gua.
Esteban: (carrying several luggage bags on his back) It is also the only thing she carried.
London: It's a chart that shows how to rearrange your space to enhance different areas of your life, like good health, good fortune. Uh-oh!
Mr. Moseby: Uh-oh what?
London: Uh-oh, your lobby is way out of alignment!
Esteban: (still carrying all the bags) So is my spine!
London: Don't you love what I've done to the place?
Mr. Moseby: (behind a wall) Don't you think people are gonna have trouble finding the check-in desk?
London: If they do, you can just ring the chimes like this. (rings chimes) Check in over here!
Mr. Moseby: (wearing a large robe) I have issues with this outfit. Well, there is no place to put my wallet and I'm feeling an uncomfortable breeze!
Maddie: London, I have a little situation at the candy counter.
London: What's the situation?
Maddie: It's outside and I'm freezing to death!
London: Well, that's because you've got your summer kimono on, silly.
Maddie: Why can't I wear my old uniform?
London: Because it's in disharmony with the lobby.
Maddie: I'm not even in the lobby!
Mr. Forgess: Well, I think you guys really got to understand the theme of the play.
Zack: Girls stink.
Cody: Never work with your brother.
Bob: I should've gone with the oboe.
Mr. Forgess: Close enough.

Lost in Translation [#2.23]

Cody: It's International Week at school, and I've learned to say things in ten different languages!
Zack: And I've learned to snore in ten different languages.
Carey: You have to figure out what you're going to do.
Zack: Don't worry. I've got International Day covered.
Carey: Bringing in a slice of Swiss cheese doesn't count.
Zack: What if I put it on a German kaiser roll?
London: Boy, am I tired. I've been working all day.
Maddie: On your history paper?
London: No, I have people for that. I've been going through my old clothes. I'm getting rid of them. Oh, look. Here's the outfit I wore on the plane going to Paris last weekend. And here's the outfit I wore getting off the plane.
Maddie: I've been wearing the same socks for a week.
London: Oh, I thought that smell was seaweed cookies.
Carey: Boys, why is there a woman with a fish at the door?
Zack: Mori-san.
Kumiko: Hi.
Cody: We invited our friend over for dinner. She's a famous singer from Japan.
Carey: Oh, yes! You're performing at the Nakamura Convention. I'm also a singer.
Kumiko: Oh, you famous, too? Singing in front of lots of people making lots of money.
Zack and Cody: No.
Carey: My fan club.
Mr Moseby:Zack.Cody. Where's Kumiko!
Zack: I only tell you if you promise not to get angry.
Mr Moseby: I promise.
Cody: Zack lost her in school.
Zack: I think he's angry.
Mr Moseby: How do you lose, a woman!
Cody: You forget to cherish her.
Carey: Aw,and that's why your my special little man.
Mr Moseby:People forget!!!
Mr Moseby: The Nakamori executives are expecting a brilliant japanese singer less than an hour and what am I to do?
Cody: Mom's a brilliant singer.
Mr Moseby: And there's just one problem,she's not japanese.
Kumiko: (to Zack) Don't worry. As a sign of respect, I will save the eyeballs for Mommy.
Carey: (sarcastically) Oh goody.

Volley Dad [#2.24]

Cody: I don't think Harvey's right for Mom. And you're just happy because he's rich.
Zack: Ta-ta, no! I-I-I think he's a kind, caring man who — who happens to have a mansion with five bathrooms. We could all go at once, and still have one toilet left over!
Cody: Our fridge is the size of R2D2!
St. Silvia's Player: I just wanted to meet the dumbest heiress in Boston.
London: Excuse me.
St. Silvia's Player: (slowly) Was I speaking too fast?
After London power slams the ball in the girl's face
London: (slowly) Did I hit it too hard?

Loosely Ballroom [#2.25]

Cody: Esteban, now you have enough money to pay for your little sister's quinceañera.
Esteban: Oh, yes. And I would like to thank everyone from the heart of my bottom!
Zack: Bottom of my heart.
Esteban: That, too!
Mr. Moseby: Esteban, good news. I have booked the Boston Ballroom Dance Competition for here at the Tipton. Now, if your school takes first place, you'll get $1,000.
Esteban: Oh, gracias, Mr. Moseby. You booked this to help me pay for my sister's quinceñiera.
Mr. Moseby: No, I just wanted a trophy.
Jessica and Janice: Aw
Zack and Cody: Yeah!
Esteban [to the twins]: So, little blonde peoples, to help me help my little sister, (begging) will you please take my ballroom dance class?
Zack: We're into more manly sports.
Cody: Yeah, we're more slam dunks then, grande jeté!
Zack: And some of us are even to manly to say, let alone do, a grande jeté.
Jessica: Actually, I adore ballroom dancing.
Janice: Me too. It's so romantic.
Jessica: Really romantic.
Zack and Cody: (cheerfully turn to Esteban) SIGN US UP!!
Jessica: Zack, your theory of the origin of the universe is fascinating.
Janice: Really fascinating.
Cody: Ok, I can't take this, the theory of the universe is the string theory, not the string cheese theory.
Zack: Jessica, you're leading again.
Jessica: I'm leading because you're hesitating.
Zack: Well, I'm hesitating because you keep critising me.
Jessica: I'm criticzing you because you're not doing it right.
Zack: I'm not doing it right because you're yelling.
Jessica: You're the one who's yelling. (turns away from each other)
Jessica: Ow! You stepped on me again!
Zack: I stepped on you because your foot is not supposed to be there.
Jessica: That's where you lead me!
Zack: Ha! It'd be easier to lead a donkey!
Janice: Who told you to be so rude to my sister?!
Zack: Oh, like it's my fault she pushes me around like a bulldozer.
Jessica: (gasps) I will not be spoken to that way!
Janice: No, we won't!
(Janice & Jessica start to leave)
Cody: Wait, that was a compliment.
Janice: How?
Cody: I have no idea.
(When Carey, London, & Lance show up for Esteban's ballroom dance lessons)
Esteban: What are you all doing here?
Carey: Cody said you were teaching dance and we couldn't wait to learn from the great Esteban.
Esteban: So he told you I was desperate for money and you took pity on me.
Carey: Pretty much.
Esteban: And I'm okay with that.
Carey: Okay!
London: Ooh, sign me up, too! I have a whole closet full of ballroom dancing clothes I finally get to wear, then throw out.
Leo: (coughing) Is this the ballroom dance class?
Esteban: Oh, yes, it is. Are you here to enroll?
Leo: Yes. My doctor told me I needed some exercise, but my nurse Shannon won't let me chase her around the living room anymore. (starts crying) I'll be all right.
Mrs. Mayweather: (to Esteban) Why can't I be your partner?!
Leo: 'Cause you're with me now, baby. And we're gonna dance 'till I'm blue in the face.
Mrs. Mayweather: Well, that won't take long. You were out of breath when you walked in the room.
Esteban: Okay, everyone. Let's go over what dance each couple will be doing. London, Lance, what do you feel comfortable doing?
London: Shopping.
Lance: Swimming.
Esteban: I meant with dance.
Lance: The swim.
London: The shop.
Esteban: The Samba it is.
Esteban: Lori? Where'd she go?
Shannon: Well, she said you were all pathetic losers and left.
(Everyone starts protesting)
Leo: What did she say?!
Mrs. Mayweather: You were a pathetic loser.
Leo: Oh.
Cody: What's wrong with Janice?
Zack: She's got noodle arms. It's like dancing with spaghetti. I'll never win the junior division with her.
Cody: Then why should I take her?
Zack: 'Cause you'll never win with anyone.
Cody: That is... probably true.

Scary Movie [#2.26]

Zack: [to Cody] Why is she still here?
Carey: To remind you not to see anything inappropriate, like Bullet Sandwich or Zombie Mom.
Cody: Fine, but when you pick us up, no hugging and no calling us "my little men."
Carey: Why don't you just rip my heart out?
Zack: I think that's how Zombie Mom ends.
Cody: I gotta say, you were right about going to see Zombie Mom. All though I found the storyline was thin and the blood-drinking scene gratuitous, it scared the snot out of Janice. And she held on to me the whole time.
Zack: Yeah, great flick.
Cody: I could tell you liked it by your screaming.
Zack: I wasn't screaming. I was cheering. [Cody moves to turn the light off.] Don't you turn off that light!
Cody: Or what, you'll "cheer" again?
Mr. Moseby: What's with all the candy? Looks like a pinata threw up.

Ah, Wilderness! [#2.27]

Cody: We haven't even had our first meeting yet, and you're already breaking the rules?
Zack: Look, I didn't join up just to follow a bunch of dopey rules. I joined so I could tie knots, climb things and start campfires.
Moseby: Basically, all the stuff you do in my lobby.
Warren: This is no picnic, ma'am.
Bob: It is a tough, macho journey into the deep dark unknown.
Zack: TAXI!
Mr. Moseby: Cody, didn't I tell you to tie our food and hang it from a tree?
Cody: Since you hired me to Koala bear, I decided to elegate it to an underbear. So I told Bob to do it.
Bob: And I told Warren to do it.
Warren: And I forgot to do it.
Mr. Moseby: First we need to dig a trench around our campsite.
Warren: You mean to go potty?
Bob: I think I'm just gonna hold it in.
Cody: You see, my fellow grizzlies and I are supposed to live off the land and the food that my showoff brother keeps finding.
Merle: I got a brother too. He has a two story cabin and it's loaded with babes. Wonder who his real estate agent is.
Cody: Finding food is supposed to be a challenge.
Merle: (holding bowl of strawberries) Ok. I'll just put it way up here. (puts on a high shelf)
Maid: (startles Carey) Towels, lady?
Carey: Sorry. Didn't hear you come in. I was too busy setting up my painting supplies. The boys are out of town. You know, I used to paint all the time. Then the twins were born, I had to set it aside. Kept telling myself I'd get back to it next week or the week after that. But I never did. Oh well, better later than never though, right?
Maid: (blank face) Towels, lady?

Birdman of Boston [#2.28]

Zack: [after the mother hawk flies away] Who is going to hatch the egg?
Cody: I will.
Zack: Okay, but you'd better squat real low.
Moseby: I talked to the zoo, and they're willing to take the baby hawk as an honored guest.
Patrick: Oh, brilliant solution. Everyone's happy.
Maddie: I know Cody, and he'll never put his baby in a cage.
Moseby: Oh, well, maybe the zoo will also take the twins. Oh, happy day!
Moseby: What's going on?
Cody: There's something circling the hotel. I think it's a hangglider.
Zack: Get real. It's a flying saucer.
Cody: The hawk is back.
Zack: Where's it been?
Cody: I don't know. What am I supposed to do, ask it?
Zack: Why not? You talk to plants.
Cody: (to Moseby) We'll report you to the TGATPPWSHA.
Moseby, Zack: The what?
Moseby: (to Zack and Cody) I'll get both of you and your little hawk too!
Moseby: (trying to touch Arwin's red button on his machine that will try to stop the hawk) What's that-
Arwin: No don't touch that! Woo. I put it there to look cool.
Carey: Okay. I brought a blanket and a hot water bottle.
Cody: No! Don't you know anything about mothering?
Carey: Apparently not.
Arwin: I made this sling to cradle the egg and keep it at hawk temperature.
Zack: How do you take a hawk's temperature?
Arwin: Very carefully.
Maddie: Rough day at school?
Zack: Yeah and it's all Cody's fault.
Maddie: Why? Is everyone making fun of you because your twin brother is hatching an egg?
Arwin: Cody, I made something that is gonna help you bond with the baby.
Carey: Cody, for the record I'm in all of favor of what you're doing here but I think this time Arwin has gone a little too far.
Arwin: This is not going too far. (Puts on a helmet that has a giant bird head on it)
Carey: You know Cody, I'm always looking forward to becoming a grandma. And of course I thought you'd be older, married, and your baby would be human.
Cody: My egg. I think its- It's opening. My water broke. Oh my gosh! I'm giving birth!
Cody: (after finding out that Zack took money from the Save the hawk foundation to get a new camera) Zack!
Zack: Ok. I'll send 20% to a real hawk charity.
Cody: 20?!
Zack: Fine. 50%.]
Cody: 50?!
Zack: 100%. But that's as high as I'll go.
Cody: Bubba and I are doing just fine. I'm gonna teach him how to fly.
Zack: (sarcastically) Can't wait to see that test flight.
Moseby: Madeline, please. Look, a zoo isn't so bad.
Maddie: Then why aren't you living in one?
Moseby: I am.

Nurse Zack [#2.29]

Dr. Chip: So, who's the patient?
Carey: That would be me, the woman lying in bed, sneezing her guts out.
Dr. Chip: Actually, you can't really sneeze your guts out. I wrote a paper on it.
Cody: What grade did you get?
Dr. Chip: That's not important!
Zack: For Cody, two hundred single-ply napkins.
Cody: I wanted two-ply.
Zack: [throwing box in Cody's direction] Glue them together. [the box hits Cody's head.]
Cody: Ow...
Zack: Here's an ice pack. [prepares to throw it]
Cody: Never mind!
Carey: Honey, why don't you just walk the stuff to him?
Zack: It's not my fault all he can catch is a cold.
Cody: Look, just because a man cooks and cleans doesn't mean he can't be macho and tough. [drinks from Carey's mug]
Zack: Hey, you're drinking out of Mom's sicky cup.
Cody: [screams like a girl]
Zack: Yeah, that's macho and tough!
Arwin: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII fixed it!
London: Maddie, I really need your help.
Maddie: I can't. I'm trying to win employee of the month.
London: But I just need one little-
Maddie: (grabs London's shirt) I am trying to win a trip here! Do you know when my last vacation was?! Never! Now back away woman!
London: Maddie, I really need your help. And I won't take "no" for an answer.
Maddie: No.
London: Okay, I tried.

Club Twin [#2.30]

Maddie: Hey, guys. So, how'd the summer job hunt go?
Cody: I tell ya, it's tough to secure employment in an economic climate where interest rates are climbing and large cap stocks are fluctuating wildly.
Zack: Plus, we got turned down by Taco Schmaco.
Maddie: Well, Señor Schmaco does like employees to see over the counter.
Cody: Zack, you told me you booked two dancers who looked like they were from the '60s, not two dancers in their sixties!
Zack: They looked hot here in this picture.
Cody: Didn't you notice the brontosaurus in the background?
Go-Go Girl: Far out man.
Cody: Those babes wouldn't be hot even if they were on fire.

Risk It All [#2.31]

Cody: [talking like Elvis] Don't cry, little lady. You're getting tears on my blue suede shoes.
London: Whatcha doing?
Maddie: [typing angrily] I'm composing an irate letter to Mr. Moseby in an attempt to express my inner angst and achieve emotional catharsis.
London: Whatcha doing?
Maddie: Typing.
Game Show Host: [after Zack fails in the final challenge, which involves spelling the word "DOG" with giant building blocks in an obstacle course] Sorry, you spelled 'OG'. 'Ice try!

A Nugget of History [#2.32]

History Teacher: You seem a little batty!
Mosbey's Grandmother: Oh, I'm batty; this bat is batty! [pulls a bat out of a bag and chases Zack's teacher]
Maddie: London, someone's at the drive-thru. Use this script to take their order.
London: [presses button] Hello. Can I take your order? [Gibberish is heard through the speaker.] Huh?
Maddie: They said they want a Cluck Muncher Meal. Press that button. Use the script!
London: [presses button and reads from script] Would you like anything else? Suggest whatever's getting cold... Oh.

Miniature Golf [#2.33}

Zack: I got beaten by a girl! It's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me!
Cody: More embarrassing than the time in gym class when your pants fell down?
Zack: That was you.
Carey: Zack, I can't believe you're being that shallow.
Cody: Face it, Mom. He's as shallow as a kiddie pool.
Zack: At least I'm not scared to swim in one.
Cody [to Zack]: I just hope you don't act like a jerk again around Ella.
Zack: No, no, I'm going to be a perfect gentleman. And we're going back to Putt Putt Party and I'm gonna politely pummel her to a pulp.
Tiffany: Who cares? That would be like my brother dating Chelsea.
Chelsea: Oh, just because my family's yacht is smaller than yours, you think you're better than me?
Tiffany: Well... yeah!
Chelsea: And, by the way, I did date your brother. He's an idiot.
Maddie: Yikes.
London: Girls, girls, please. It's okay for rich people to hang out with other people who have less money than they do. I mean, I hang out with you guys.
Maddie: Double yikes!
Tiffany: (to London) Well, at least my daddy's not an inn keeper!
London: (gasps) How dare you! (spills her drink on Tiffany's dress) Oops.
Tiffany: Did you just purposely throw tea on my new dress?!
London: Honey, what does it matter? It's probably a knockoff anyway.
Maddie: Uh, ladies, shouldn't we get back to the book?
(Tiffany puts a pie on London's head)
Tiffany: Oops.
London: I'll have you know, I'm too much of a lady to engage in your low-class behavior. Oh, who am I kidding? (hits Tiffany in the back of the head with another pie)
Chelsea: Girls, girls. It doesn't matter what you have in the bank. All that matters is what you have on your face. (hits Tiffany in the face with a pie)
Tiffany: That better be low-fat!
Chelsea: Well, let's ask London. (hits London in the face with a pie)
(Both London & Tiffany hit Chelsea in the face with another pie)
London & Tiffany: Oops.
Maddie: All right, I'll just be going, then!
Mr. Moseby [to Maddie]: Thought your shift was over, Madeline?
Maddie: It is. But I thought I'd stay and, uh, do a little inventory.
Mr. Moseby: Couldn't resist listening in on London's book club, could you?
Maddie: I can't help it! It's just too bizarre!
Chelsea: (to the other girls in the book club) Okay, everyone, let's get the discussion started.
London: It's about time. (opens up the book) Can we talk about Paris? (closes the book) Did you guys see that hideous pink dress she wore to the Gala last night? It looked like she threw up a flamingo!
Maddie: (to Mr. Moseby) They're not even discussing the book!
Mr. Moseby: And you're surprised because?
Barbara: Cody, this looks really complicated.
Cody: Not really. All you have to do is look at it as if it were an isosceles triangle. The giraffe on the line intersecting it diagonally.
Barbara: And if you calculate the angle trajectory, you should be able to find the coordinates of the optimal target zone.
Cody: I should have bought my protractor.
Barbara: Oh, I have one! (reaches to her back pocket and takes it out.)
Cody: The Angle Jam 2000?
Barbara: I got it for Chanukah.
Zack: Cody, I have a date with Ella this Saturday and I need you to go with us.
Cody: Oh no! I know what you're doing and I'm not going out with her creepy sister...
Zack: But you...
Cody: ...or brother...
Zack: C'mon you-
Cody: ...or dog.
Zack [to Cody]: Would you relax? You can go with whoever you want.
Cody: Why do I need to go with you at all?
Zack: Because...I really wanna impress Ella and no matter what we end up doing, you just make me look better.
Carey (after finishing her push-ups): TEN! (reaches to grab the donut)
Zack: (takes the donut before Carey)
Carey: Honey, that was my reward!
Zack: Wasn't being a mother reward enough?
Zack [to Ella]: Your hair looks really pretty under the glow of the tiki torches.
Ella: Thanks. Wait until you see it blowing under the windmill.
Cloris: You should see my hair under the windmill.
Zack: (to Ella privately) Yeah, how do you think it got that way?
Cloris: I heard that!
Cloris: (screams) Next!
Barbara: (scared) I don't want to be next! (hides behind Cody)
Ella [to Zack]: By the way, I let you win.
Zack: Did not... did you?
Ella: Maybe I did... maybe I didn't.
Zack: Oh, so that's how you want it? Fine. Best 2 out of 3.
Ella: You're on.
Zack: Oh, and if you win, it's best 5 out of 9.
London: Girls, let's turn to real issues...what do you think of my hair?
Maddie: I'm horrified!
Mr. Moseby: I think her hair looks nice. It's shiny.
Maddie: Did any of you even read the book?
Tiffany: Well, my butler was reading it to me, but my cell phone rang. It was Bradley Wiggins!
Chelsea: Oooh, he's cute!
Tiffany: I know! And he said he's thinking of dumping Allison... for me!
London: (gets a papercut from reading a book) Reading is dangerous!
Cloris: (to Zack) Why don't you take her bowling? See if you can bite that ball in half.
Zack: (bends golf club)
Cloris: (through mike) You bend it, you buy it! Lousy kid.
Maddie: So what'd you think of the book?
London: I thought it was a classic tale of love and misunderstanding with beautiful scenery and compelling images with beautifully refined performances by the whole cast.
Maddie: Okay you just saw the movie.
London: I did not. I read the review. Which is reading.
Mr. Moseby: Those other competitors were quaint with fear when they saw me coming with Big Bula.
Zack: Was Big Bula the name of your club?
Mr. Moseby: Nope. My mother. Bula Moseby. That woman is 250 pounds of fire and brimstone. And 20 pounds of coffee cake.
London: (while with her book club) Pride and Prejudice is about a rich man who marries a poor girl. Which as we all know only happens in books. (to Maddie) Sorry.
Maddie: (with London's book club) I must admit I am impressed you girls read the book. So didn't you think Caroline Bingley was a total snob?
Tiffany: Yes I loved her.

Health and Fitness [#2.34]

Cody: What's wrong, Chef Paolo?
Chef Paolo: It's the results of my blood test.
Zack: It can't be that bad.
Chef Paolo: They found bacon bits!
Chef Paolo: [reading a note from Cody] Chef Paolo, here's your midnight snack: one chocolate chip. If you learn to enjoy things in moderation, you can live healthier. [takes a small bite from the chocolate chip] I will save the rest for later. (...) It's later! (Paolo then gnashes on the rest of the chip quickly.)
London: Come by the ballroom later and pick out the outfits you want to wear. Get there early because Francesca will be there.
Maddie: I thought you couldn't stand her.
London: I can't. She is a horrible person. She's nasty and rude.
Maddie: Well, why did you invite her?
London: Because she's one of my best friends.

Back In The Game [#2.35]

Zack: Oh, hey, Jamie. Here to play some basketball?
Jamie: No. The wheelchair exit's out there.
Zack: Oh, you mean the skateboard ramp?
Maddie: Esteban, thanks again for being my camera man.
Esteban: I prefer cinema photographer. Ok, how do you work this thing?
Maddie: You push the little red button.
Esteban: Oh. Start, aaah, stop, start, stop, start...
Maddie: Stop!
Esteban: Ok.
Maddie: Not until I say "action". Ok, London, your character is selling her wares.
London: What wares?
Maddie: Those wares.
London: Where?
Maddie: There! Your wares are there!
London: The pears? The pears are my wares?
Maddie: Ok, Lance, remember, you're rich.
Lance: Rich who?
Maddie: No, I mean you have money.
Lance: So I'm rich and my name is Rich? Cool.
Maddie: No, no. your name isn't Rich.
Lance: What's my name then?
Maddie: It doesn't matter.
Lance: Then why can't it be Rich?
Maddie: Ok, it's Rich! Look, I am trying to win a film festival here, people! Ok, Lance, you're about to enter the hotel when you see this poor girl in tattered clothing.
London: Oh, thanks for lending me your clothes, Maddie.
Maddie: Right...
Zack: What are you doing on the court?
Jamie: Well, I decided I'd better play. Not that I want to, but I can't let you guys turn our team into a laughing stock.
Bob: Too late.
Trent: Oh, it's never too late!
Bob: Dude, you're spitting on me.
Zack: Welcome back to the team.
Cody: But who's Jamie going in for?
Zack: Well, I'll give you a hint. His number rhymes with nerdy.
Zack: Remember those kids playing basketball in the lobby? Well I was hoping that Jamie meets them, he might be interested in basketball again.
Cody: He was the best player on our team.
Zack: Ahem.
Cody: He was the best player on our team.
London: Line please.
Maddie: No.
London: Fine. Then I'll just go look it up in my script.
Trent: You know we got a game coming up.
Bob: Relax Trent. It's only an exhibition.
Trent: My dad said you're not giving a maximum amount of effort all the time, you're a waste of human life.
Bob: Oh well he must be a lot of fun at parties.
Zack: Can't you throw?
Cody: Can't you catch?
Zack: Well I'd catch it if you could throw it.
Cody: Well I'd throw it if you could catch it.
Trent: HEY! Do you guys know what I hate more than losing?
Zack: What?
Trent: YOU TWO!
Maddie: I can't find a leading lady for my movie!
London: Here's me pretending to care. (in weepy voice) what movie Maddie?
Maddie: My student film.
London: What's it about?
Maddie: Well it's about societies and differences towards the impovirish and the chimes of the spirit over a pressive socia econimic circumstance.
London: What's it about?
Daryl: For future reference, just because a person is in a wheelchair doesn't mean you have to give them special treatment.
Mr. Moseby: Of course. Now, why don't you just sign here for the rooms?
Daryl: Whoa, partner. This is steep. Man, I can't believe you won't give a brother in a wheelchair a break.

The Suite Life Goes to Hollywood [#2.36 to #2.37]

PART 1

Carey: Boys, what's going on here?
Zack: There's a dead body in that bag!
Lou: Are these your kids?
Carey: Are you guys cops?
Bud: No.
Carey: Then, yes.
Moseby: Have fun on your vacation, Madeleine.
Maddie: Fun? It's 20 degrees colder in Minnesota than it is here. Penguins go there and say: "wow, it's cold, let's leave".
London: They have talking penguins there, and you still don't want to go?
Zack: Bye, Maddie. [hugs her]
Cody: Bye, Maddie. [hugs her]
Carey: Bye, Maddie. [hugs her]
Zack: [pulling Carey away and hugging Maddie again] Bye, Maddie.
Carey: Zack, remember how we talked about people's personal space?
Zack: Yeah, and I like Maddie's space the best.
Bud: There they are!
Lou: Great news! We've sold Zack and Cody!
Moseby: Marvellous! I'll get some bubble wrap, and we'll ship them off immediately!
Bud: No, we've sold a sitcom about twin boys living in a hotel, and you're all in it!
Moseby: Oh! we're going to be stars!
Everyone: Hooray!
Lou: No, you're not, we'll hire actors to play you.
Everyone: Oh...
Bud: But you're all invited to Hollywood to be consultants on the show!
Everyone: Hooray!
Lou: But you'll have to pay your own way there.
Everyone: Oh...
London: We could all go in my private jet!
Everyone: Hooray!
London: But we're all out of salted nuts.
Everyone: Oh...
Moseby: I've had enough of this silliness. I'm out of here.
Everyone: Hooray!
Moseby: I heard that.

PART 2

Mr. Moseby: I can't believe we got kicked out-
London: Of my own hotel. I'm calling Daddy!
Maddie: It's not your hotel. Hello, it's a set! It's make-believe.
London: Make me believe what?
Maddie: That you have a brain!

I Want My Mummy [#2.38]

Skippy: I'll get there and back before you can say butterscotch!... But say it real slow.
London: Butt......eeeeeeeer......scotch
Maddie: By the way, what exactly does this "curse" do to you?
Esteban: Let's just say you will live your life in agonizing poverty.
Maddie: I get that now.
Esteban: And your skin melts off, your hair bursts into flames and your eyes pop off.
Maddie: Eww! That would so put a damper on prom!
Maddie: Give me the hat!
Esteban: Aah!
Zack: He won't hurt you!
Maddie: Not if I have the hat!
Esteban: Oh, no! Don't unwrap it! Who knows what it looks like after thousands of years! Aah, it hideous!
Carey: Come here, honey, are you okay?
Cody: Swell. I'm just a little dizzy.
Zack: Welcome back, buddy.
Cody: Welcome back? You've left me wrapped up for hours. Where have you been? I thought you were coming right back to get me.
Zack: Well, we did. But the mummy we took was just a doll wrapped in gauze. It was a total fake!
Dakota: How did you find out the mummy was a fake?
Maddie: It's a fake?
Dakota: No.
London: Liar, liar, cargo pants on fire! This necklace is probably plastic! Here, Maddie, you can have it.
Dakota: Actually, the necklace is real emerald.
London: Thanks for holding it for me, Maddie.
Carey: If the artifacts are real, why would you have a fake mummy?
Dakota: Because I couldn't find the real one. I spent eight years in the jungle, living on beetles and bats' blood.
All: Eew.
Dakota: I've found all these beautiful treasures. But nobody cares about them if I don't have some stupid mummy. It's all about the mummy... mummy, mummy, mummy!
Carey: I think he has mummy issues.

Aptitude [#2.39]

Patrick: Mr. Moseby, my podium is falling apart and I want a new one. I picked out a lovely one from Podium Emporium. It's mahogany, with a little holder for my spectacles!
Mr. Moseby: Oh, it is beautiful! However, we can't afford it!
Patrick: I'm prepared to quit!
Mr. Moseby: I'm prepared to replace you!
Patrick: I hate when you do that!
Zack: 24% compounded yearly means 2% compounded monthly?
Carey: Zack, you just did math in your head!
Zack: Wow! I did! You know, if they just put dollar signs in front of the numbers, math would be a whole lot easier.
Mr Moseby: Patrick! The Morrocan theme is over, why are you still wearing this?
Patrick: I find these puffy pants to be delightfully roomy! I think I'm gonna wear it to work everyday, hmm, stand in the middle of the restaurant where everyone could see them are blowing in the breeze! (Grabs the side of his pants and imitates it being blowing in the wind).
Mr Moseby: (embarrased) Stop it *embarrased chuckle* Patrick, Right! What if I get you a new podium?
Patrick: And a raise.
Mr Moseby: Not gonna happen.
Patrick: I'm prepared to quit.
Mr Moseby: I'm prepared to replace you.
Patrick: Podium, it is. (They shake hands and go their separate ways.')
Mr Moseby: For my first wish...
Zack: [to Cody in a dream, in which Zack is a successful business tycoon, and Cody works as a janitor for him] Clean this mess up, but save the confetti. Money doesn't grow on trees.
Zack's Aide: Actually, it does. Remember, you had ZackCorp create a money tree?
Zack: Right. Come on girls, let's go talk about how I cleaned up Wall Street while Cody just cleans up.
Carey: Forget the test. Tests aren't important.
Zack: Okay. Remember that next time I bring home an "F."
Mr. Moseby: Madeline, the important thing is you did a good deed.
Maddie: That is true. I did save 2 lives.
London: But the Dogsons saved a cat. That's 9 lives. So they got you beat by 7.

Season 3 (2007-2008)

Graduation [#3.1]

Barbara: I'm taking five AP classes.
Cody: I'm taking six.
[Barbara steps on Cody's toes.]
Barbara: Oww!
Cody: Steel-toed boots.
Zack: I promise you I will graduate, once I pass Su-......su-........su-......
Everybody: -mmer School.
Zack: Yeah, that.
London: So, Moseby, Which thing do you like better, this sight land with this yacht and this bathing suit, or this sight land with this yacht and this bathing suit?
Mr. Moseby: Frankly, I don’t give a hoot.
London: Maddie, you know what I like about summer vacation? Not being locked up in a stuffy school until noon everyday.
Maddie: London, some of us actually come back to school after lunch.
London: And I suppose you go on Fridays, too. (laughs)
Maddie: Yeah, silly me.
Cody [to Zack]: You know, Mom's really gonna be mad when she finds out you're not graduating.
Zack: Well she can't be too mad when she finds out I saved a life.
Cody: Whose life did you save?
Zack: (tries to shove an apple into his mouth) Here, choke on this.
London [to Maddie]: I'm spending the summer on my yacht. What are you doing?
Maddie: Working here. Oh, yeah, and when I get home, I get to help mom gut fish and apply pimple cream to my dad's hairy back.
London: Ooh, I just had a baby barf!
Sister Dominick: Yoo-hoo, London! So, what are we girls talking about?
London: Fish guts and hairy pimples.
Sister Dominick: Ooh, I just had a baby barf!
Zack: Except that I didn't graduate, okay!
(Everybody gasps)
Moseby: There's a shock! (takes back his gift and steps away)
Kurt: What are you talking about?
Zack: I faked the whole thing.
Carey: I don't, I don't understand. I mean you have a diploma...(unrolls fake diploma and sees the truth) This is a picture of a girl wearing a bikini.
Kurt (looks at it also): Uh, she's hot! I mean...it's hot...at the beach...that's why she's wearing a bikini...
Carey: Zack, why did you do this?
Zack: Because you tried to bake a cake and Dad left his tour, and I didn't want to disappoint you guys again.
Kurt: Don't sweat it, dude, it's okay. (Carey smacks him in the gut) OOF!!! I mean, you are so in trouble!
Mr. Forgess [to Zack]: We have a little problem. You seem to have failed English.
Zack: Wait, what?
Mr. Forgess: You won't be graduating with your class.
Zack: No, no, no, no, no! I need to graduate with my class! If I don't graduate, I'll have to go to su... su... su...
Mr. Forgess: ...mmer school.
Zack: Yeah, that's it.
Cody: Zack, what are you doing here? This is only for the people who are graduating.
Zack: Well, I figured if I showed up here a plan would just hit me. BAM! Wait a minute...wait a minute...oh, I got nothing.
Cody: Well, at least you're not trying to forge a diploma, sneak into graduation and hide from Mom the fact that you're going to summer school for six weeks.
Zack: Genius!
Cody: I was being facetious.
Zack: Huh?
Cody: (sarcastically) Hard to believe you're failing English.
Zack: There's only one problem. There's only enough caps and gowns for the students who are graduating.
Cody: (sarcastically) Gee, why don't you steal someone else's?
(Zack kisses Cody on the head)
Zack: Again with the genius plans! No wonder they call you the vale...vale...vale-accordion!
London: Hello, oh hey, Maddie, how is camp?
Maddie: Terrible, these girls are savages, come rescue me!
London: Don't worry, I'll get the Tipton helicopter, I'll be there right away.
Mr. Moseby: I'm proud of you.
London: Really?
Mr. Moseby: Missing a massage to help a friend.
London: Oh, I forgot about shiatsu. Oh, well, Maddie can wait.
Barbara: Cody, I'm sorry I got upset before. After all, I creamed you in the math competition and you didn't get mad.
Cody: Well, I wouldn't say creamed. But it doesn't matter, because I annihilated you at the spelling bee. And by the way, that's annihilated with 2 Ns and an "h".
Barbara: Oh, that's spelling bee wasn't fair. Your word was so easy, my dog could have spelled it.
Cody: Ha! I doubt it. I met your dog, and he's an idiot. (Barbara stomps on his foot) OWWW!
Maddie (to London): What took you so long? Did the storm slow you down?
London: No, I added an extra 20 minutes to my massage because your call really stressed me out.
Maddie: I hate you!
London: I have the helicopter!
Maddie: Love you. Let's go!
Cody (to Zack): Now, what you need is tell the truth and promising to do well in summer school.
Zack: You're right. Honesty is the best policy. Give me that water. (puts water on his cheeks) Mom's a sucker for a sob story. Dead puppy, dead puppy, dead puppy. OK, let's do this.
Barbara: Oh Cody, I just know it's going to be you.
Cody: No, Barbara, you deserve it, you're A+ every subject, including dimples.
Barbara: (giggles)
Cody: Oh, there they are.
London: Don't worry. My helicopter is on its way from my beach house in Newport.
Jasmine: You have a beach house? I live in a one-bedroom apartment with five brothers and sisters. And we share one toothbrush.

Summer of Our Discontent [#3.2]

Mrs. Bird: Mark, in the multiple choice test you circled A, B, C and D in each one.
Mark: I just couldn't decide on one letter.
Mrs.Bird: I can: F!
Cody: Mr. Moseby, can I have a job?
Mr. Moseby: Sorry, we're not hiring hooligans.
Zack: (sees Haley, a girl in his class) Hi, I'm Zack. And you are?
Haley: Shy! Painfully shy. Don't look at me! (takes a bag and puts it over her head)
Brick: (to Carey) Hey, ya got a date for the prom?
Carey: (uneasily) Oh shucks, if only you'd asked me sooner.
Mr. Moseby (to Cody): You've just set up a date, which is not a date someone thinks is a date, and the other person thinks is an interview. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
Cody: You're right. Maybe I should be there disguised as a plant.
Mr. Moseby: (sarcastically) Yeah, that'll fix it.
Mr. Moseby: Millicent, how are the candy sales this morning?
Millicent: Sales? I'm supposed to charge people for candy? (whimpers)
Mr. Moseby: Yes, that would explain the cash register!
Millicent: Oops! I thought it was an ATM! I guess this cash belongs to you. (gives Mr. Moseby money)
Cody: Hey, London. Do you think you can do me a itsy bitsy favor?
London: NO!
Cody: You have no idea what I was going to even say.
London: You were going to say there's this guy who's obsessed with me because I'm the most amazing person in the world and he just has to have a date with me.
Cody: (studders and hesitates) Th-th-that's not what I was going to say a-a-at all. (smiles nervously)
Mrs. Bird: Since this is summer school, I thought we would start with some thematic poetry about summer. (the class looks around, confused) Oops, sorry. I mean, some rhymy words about the hot time.
Zack: Why is it so hot in here?
Carey: Because it's summer school, which you have to go to for failing the eighth grade.
Zack: Just English class. Besides, plenty of our greatest leaders failed the eighth grade.
Carey: Like who?
Zack: There was that Abe guy, with the beard and tall hat. He lived in Gettysburg and died at the movies.
Carey: And, yet, you passed History.
Zack: Word, Bird. Hey, I'm a poet and I didn't know it. I can make a rhyme anytime.
Mrs. Bird: Me, too. Did I mention you have detention.
Mrs. Bird: Zack, I don't understand. You were doing so well. What got into you?
Zack: My underwear! And I didn't want it to happen again.
Carey: (enters the classroom) Hey, Zack, let's go!
Mrs. Bird: He's not going anywhere. Zachary has detention.
Carey: Detention?!? Great, now I'm stuck here, too! (sits at a desk) Listen, young man, you had better not fail out of summer school. You're runnin' out of seasons. If you think that I am going...
Mrs. Bird: SHHH!!! No talking!
(Carey makes a zipper motion to her lips)
Mrs. Bird: I must admit, I am impressed by your test scores.
Brick: Thanks, Zack.
Mark: You're the best!
Haley: [to Zack] I love you.
Mrs. Bird: So I'll be making the tests a lot harder.
Brick: I hate you, Zack.
Mark: Yeah! You're the worst!
Haley: I love you. [group stare] The heart wants what the heart wants.
Carey: Zack?
Zack: Don't disrupt my class again or I'll give you detention!
Mrs. Bird: (reading a poem) "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood." Now, from the first line, can anyone tell me what season it is?
Brick: Paprika?

Sink or Swim [#3.3]

Lance: London, are you ready for your swimming lessons?
London: Shh! Lower your voice.
Lance: [deepens voice] London, are you ready for your swimming lessons?
Lance: [sees the pool inside london's suite] Wow, rich people have big bath-tubs.

Super Twins [#3.4]

Zack: You know, this Weather Warrior game stinks! You can't win with the lame superpowers they give you.
Bob: Not me. Captain Coldfront sneezes ice. I just snotted out half of Cityopolis!
London: [thinking] Left, right, left, right, blink, breathe — ooh! Twinkly light bulb! [losing air] Breathe!Breath! [starts skipping] Skip, skip, skip.
Cody: (sees Arwin pushing something with a sign labeled "Nothing Evil Under Here) Does that sign look suspicious to you?
Zack: I don't know. It went by so fast I couldn't read it.
Zack: [racing up to Moseby, to stop his plan to turn all children into adults] I'm gonna take your machine!
Moseby: No, you're not.
Zack: Well, who's gonna stop me?
Arwin and Esteban: [grabs Zack by the wrists] That would be us!

Who's the Boss? [#3.5]

Chelsea: So,what does your mystery man Lance do?
London: He uh, saves lives.
Tiffany: Oh, he seems to be studying to be a doctor.
Chelsea: [gasps] A plastic surgeon?
Lance: [walks in]" Hi, sweetie!"
London: Honey, I told you wear suit.
Lance: I am wearing a suit.
London: Not bathing suit, a dress suit, with pockets and other nice stuff.
Lance: Well, it's got a little pocket, on the inside the for my key, and it's waterproof.

Baggage [#3.6]

Cody: [complaining about a noisy party in the room above] Isn't that inconsiderate?
Zack: Yeah, it sure is. They didn't invite me.
Cody: You can't go! We need our sleep. We are finely tuned athletes in training.
Zack: We put cans... in bags!
Cody: But quickly!
Wayne: [wearing Betsy Ross' dress] This dress is killing me.
Carey: No, I think you're killing it.
Cody: [also wearing Betsy Ross' dress] Do these stars make me look fat?
Carey: I don't know. I'm still blind from looking at Wayne.
London: Not so fast Lea.
Nia: It's Nia.
London: Whatever. Nia. Tia. Leah. Gia. Mia. Sia.
Mr. Moseby: Well your track record does speak for itself.
London: Ooh. You were in track? I tried that once. But then they put little fences in front of me and I kept tripping. Plus, the other girls wouldn't wait for me.
Carey: Mr. Moseby, don't you have an all-access card that opens every door in this hotel?
Mr. Moseby: Yes, but I'm afraid I left it at home.
Carey: Here, use Zack's.

Sleepover Suite [#3.7]

London: Zack! I can't sleep. I need my white noise machine.
Zack: And you're telling me this because...?
London: Sound like a tropical rain forest!
Zack: [makes tropical sounds]
London: Too apeman. Make wave sounds!
Zack: Woosh! Woosh!
London: More... French Riviera.
Zack: Le woosh! Le crash!
Cody: Zack, keep London in the bath.
Zack: Great. I'll go grab my snorkel.
Cody: Nice try, dork-el.

The Arwin that came to Dinner [#3.8]

Arwin: Carey, wait. Aren't you gonna read a bedtime story? Mother always used to do that.
Zack: Yeah, Mom used to do that with us, too. Then we turned six.
Arwin: You're never too old for a classic. [takes out a book]
Carey: The Little Engineer That Could. Ahh, let me guess. It's about a hotel engineer that thought he couldn't fix something and then he could.
Arwin: You saw the movie!
Carey: Arwin, don't you want to take a break and... go home?
Arwin: No, I should really stay and fix this.
Carey: But it wasn't broken when you got here.
Arwin: [yanks out cord from under sink] It is now!
Cody: We should invite him to dinner. It'll make him feel better.
Carey: Well I do have enough wheatloaf to go around.
Cody: Wheatloaf? We want him to cheer up, not throw up.

Lip Synchin' in the Rain [#3.9]

Carey: Here, sing this [plays C note on harmonica] ♪ Do re me fa so la ti doh ♪
London: How am I supposed to remember all that?
Carey: Well... you could...uh, think of things that remind you of each note. [plays C note on harmonica] ♪ Do ♪
London: Ooh, that's easy! Dough means money!
Carey: ♪ Re, me ♪
London: Ooh. Yay, me! [claps]
Carey: ♪ Fa, so ♪
London: If something's far, I say "So?" because I have a private jet.
Carey: ♪ La ♪
London: "Law" is something you get to break if you're rich.
Carey: ♪ Ti ♪
London: My favorite vowel!
Carey: ♪ Do ♪
London: Yay! More money!
Carey: 'Kay. Now let's try putting it all together.
London: Dough! Yay, me! [claps] Far, So? Law, T [high-pitched and off-key] ♪ Dough! ♪ [glass on the table shatters] Mazel tov!
Director: Okay, Maddie. Are you ready to bop the top? Because remember: we're all in this together.
Maddie: Okay, you're pushing it to the limit.
Moseby: London, shall we get this dancing lesson started, I want you to get your moneys worth.
Carey: How much is she paying you?
Moseby: Three diamonds an hour.
Carey: I'm only getting two. I got robbed.
Maddie: I never got a lead role when I went to Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. Every single Christmas, I was the wise man who brought myrhh!
Zack: What is myrhh anyway?
Maddie: I don't even know, okay? The point is, I want to get a part where I don't have to wear a beard.
Cody: (after Mr. Baine faints) We don't have and smelling salts?
Zack: Actually I have an old gym sock in my locker.
Mr. Baine: (wakes up) I'm alright.
London: If I am as bad as they say then....
Antonio: Oh! You are! What you do is a capital crime in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.
Maddie: Everyone says I look exactly like Sharpay.
Mr. Baine: Really? I don't see it.
Maddie: I can't believe I'm an understudy. It's insulting. I might as well be a lousy stage hand. (Zack stares at her) No offense.
Antonio: So we all agree that London stinks like a dead fish on a city bus.
London: What are we going to do?
Mr. Blaine: That's a good question. I got it. We'll do Singin In The Rain.
London: We have to learn a whole new musical. I barely know this one.
Mr. Blaine: We'll do what they did in the movie Singin In The Rain. (pointing to London) You sing while Maddie is behind the curtain doing the actual singing.
London: That's a brilliant idea.
Maddie: What's so brilliant about it? I do all the work and you get all the credit?
London: Yeah that's the brilliant part.
Antonio: I'm taking five.
London: Oh me too. How much time do we have?
Antonio: I will not risk my official reputation performing with (about London) that amateur. I have talent scouts coming to see me and London is bopping me right to the bottom.

First Day of High School [#3.10]

London: Fill this with candy! Maddie asked me to send it to her. She's spending a semester with her Aunt Arctica.
Nia: Antarctica is not a person. It's a continent.
London: You mean, like ketchup and mustard?
Mark: I have to say, I prefer being a nerd. It's a lot more satisfying hitting the books instead of hitting someone right in the kisser!
Cody: Mark, how many fights have you actually been in?
Mark: Well, at least...none.
Carey: Hey, Mr. Moseby. Fancy meetin' you here. (to Zack) You? Not so fancy. Wow, here before lunch on the first day. I think that's a record.
Ms. Militich: And you are...?
Carey: I'm sorry. I'm Carey Martin. I'm Cody's mom.
Ms. Militich: Oh, well, I called you about Zack.
Carey: I know. I just like people to know I'm battin' 500.
Zack: Ah, Amber, it seems we have Biology class together.
Amber: This is Chemistry.
Zack: You feel it, too?
Zack [to Cody]: You're a dork, no offense.
Cody: You know, just because you say "no offense" doesn't excuse the offensive remark that inevitably follows.
Zack: Well, in that case, you're a dork. Offense intended.
Bob: Now that I'm in high school, I've decided to re-invent myself. I'm gonna be a jock.
Cody: (laughs) Oh, you were serious?
Nia [to Vance]: Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
Vance: Like who?
Nia: Like me! (kicks his leg) See, now we're the same height.
(After Nia kicks Vance, London is trying to decide on a color for her lounge)
London: What do you think? Blue or yellow?
Nia [to Vance]: I'm sorry, let me give you a hand! (shoves Vance into a set of lockers and his face drops into the pan of blue paint)
London: (picks up Vance's head for a closer look) Oh! Definitely blue! (drops his head back into the pan)
Nia: This is terrible. Uncle Marion's gonna send me back to live with my mom.
Zack: Can I come with you? Because after this, I won't be able to live with mine.
(London and a bunch of girls walk by)
Ellen: London, let me go to your science class for you?
London: Thanks, but you don't look like me. Lenny Woo is going
Ellen: But he's a guy.
London: I paid him extra to wear a dress. (Lenny stumbles around wearing a girl's outfit with high heels)
Nia: I can't believe the princess is having a perfect first day. This stinks!
Zack: That could be the garbage in my underpants.
Zack: Cody? You got sent to the principal's office?
Cody: Not sent, invited! She likes to meet all of her honor students.
Zack: It's the first day at school!
Cody: I did some work over the summer.
Zack: I hate you.
Cody: I know.
(When Cody and London have been sent to the principal's office)
London: The only bright side of my day is that Nia's miserable, too.
(Nia comes down the hall with the same group of girls London paid to be her friends)
Ellen: We just think you're great, Nia. It's about time someone stood up to Vance. And I just know we're gonna be the best of friends.
Nia: Aw, thanks, Ellen! (she gives London a look, as if to say "Mm-hmm")
London: (gasps) I just realized if you buy your friends, they're not going to really like you for who you are.
Cody: (mocking fascination) REALLY?!? Congratulations, London. You learned something on your first day of school.
London: Yay, smart me! (claps her hands)
Vance: Hey, Nia.
Nia: Don't make me paint you again!
Vance: Look, I don't wanna be a jerk anymore.
Nia: (indifferently) What do you want to be?
Vance: Your boyfriend. (looks shocked at what he said; Nia looks up) The way you stood up to me was awesome. And I think you're really cute.
(Nia giggles sheepishly)

Of Clocks and Contracts [#3.11]

Cody: London, there isn't enough money in the world to make me do your project for you.
London: Maybe not in your world; but in my world, I have enough money to buy your world.
Cody: Well, why don't you conduct an experiment that conducts the principles of gene splicing?
London: Ooh, I can do that. I mean, I usually buy my jeans with holes already in them, but I can slice them myself.
Cody: Argh. This is like talking to a potato... We'll make a potato clock.
London: Why would a potato need to tell time? Ooh, I got it: so it knows when it's done!
Zack [to Carey]: Hey, Mom! I need your help. I got gum in my ear.
Mr. Moseby: And nothing in your head.
London: Cody, will you help me with my science project? The guy I used to use is all stuck up now that he won the Nobel Prize.
Cody: A Nobel Prize winner tutored you?
London: No, he just did the research and the writing.
Cody: Sorry, London, I can't help you. I have a report due on Moby Dick.
London: I'll pay you.
Cody: The whale can wait!
Nia [to Cody]: You like listening to all that classical junk, right?
Cody: If by "junk" you mean the music of Beethoven, Mozart and Bach, then yes.
Nia: Look, if you help me, I can get my hands on Uncle Marion's symphony tickets to hear Yo-Yo Mama.
Cody: You mean, Yo-Yo Ma?!
Nia: Whatever.
Cody: I'm your nerd!
London: Cody?
Cody: London?
London: This is too hard!
Cody: It's two wires, a potato and a clock. How much easier could it be?
London: A lot... if you do it.
Cody: London, I'm not going to do it. I have my own book report that I have to finish.
London: If you finish this project for me, I'll write your book report for you. (London & Cody look at each other and then laugh) Seriously, finish the clock!
(London and Nia smile while wearing matching outfits with advertising music in the background)
London: (like an advertiser) Everyone loves homemade French fries, but who has the time?
Nia: (same tone of voice) I don't. I usually have to pay those crazy drive-thru prices!
London: Well, not anymore!
(The girls unveil the Lightning Fry, which is their combined science projects that Cody helped them with)
London: With the Lightning Fry Maker, you can have delicious fries in seconds!
(London places a lid on the tray of potatoes and activates the Lightning Fry; an explosion is heard, and London removes the lid, revealing a stack of French fries; Nia samples one)
Nia: Mmm! Now that's a good fry!
London: If you call right now, we'll include a 50-pound bag of potatoes absolutely free!
(London heaves a bag of potatoes, but falls backward because of the weight of the potatoes; Nia doesn't react)
Nia: (quietly and quickly) $40 shipping and handling not included.
(London stands up)
London: Hurry! They're selling like hot cakes!
Nia: Don't you mean hot potatoes?
(London and Nia laugh and slap five)
London: Seriously, call. You won't regret it!
Nia: (quietly and quickly) Lightning Fry is not responsible for any injuries, accidents, or mutations that may occur while using this product.
(The girls smile and flash a thumbs up)

Arwinstein [#3.12]

Arwinstein: Daaaaaa----Daaaaaaa
Cody: Aww. He said his first word.
Zack: Actually his first word was "Aaaargh!". But still Awwwwwww.
Arwinstein: (exhausted) Ahhh!
Carey: I know I know I gained a few pounds but I go jogging everyday.
Arwinstein: Ahhh?
Carey: Would you believe three times a week?
Arwinstein: Ah?
Carey: Okay, I went yesterday.
Arwinstein: Ahhhhh!
Zack: Hey, Arwin! Break out your chainsaw. I need help carving my Zack-o-lantern.
Cody: At least when you stick a candle in his head, he'll be bright.
Zack: (laughs) Hey, wait a minute!
Zack: Arwin, there's something in the basement in your secret room!
Arwin: (nervously) I don't know anything about a secret room.
Cody: The one behind the bookcase!
Arwin: I don't know anything about a bookcase.
Zack: Arwin!
Arwin: I don't know any Arwin.

Team Tipton [#3.13]

Arwin: I love group hugs, especially with other people.
Zack: Sorry, but in my defense: I didn't know it was a bagpipe. I thought it was the new super octopus, the one with eight arms on.
Cody: In my defense: I'm not Zack.
Nia: You must be Maddie. London's told me a lot about you. (shakes Maddie's hand). Your hair isn't that hideous!
London: (about Millicent) Moseby, Moseby, Nervous Maddie just passed out again! (about Nia) Cranky Maddie isn't at the counter! (sees Maddie; gasps) Hideous Hair Maddie, you're back! (hugs Maddie)
Maddie: Suddenly I miss the frozen tundra.
Cody: (sniffs Zack's shirt) Cologne... fresh shirt? Wow, Maddie should come home from Antarctica more often.
Zack: Yeah, well, my woman's back, and I'm ready to resume our relationship.
Cody: You mean the one where you hit on her and she laughs?
Zack: No. The one where she says, "You know, you look a lot like Zack, only older and a lot better looking."
Cody: Clearly the cologne has gone to your head.
Maddie [to Zack]: There's a giant spider on your head!
Zack: I feel the same- wha, wha, wha, wha? Ah, get it off! Get it off! (throws the spider in the box; running while rubbing his head) Mommy! Spider! (Maddie looks at spider in the box)
Maddie: Shouldn't you tell him the spider's off his head? (Zack runs back)
Zack: Ahhh!
Cody: (to Maddie) Maybe later.
Mr. Butteax: Okay guys, we're going to do a simple exercise about trust, we are going do the classic fall back and catch technique. Now everyone pick a partner...
Arwin: Ooh! Dibs on Carey, Ha ha I picked Carey, you've gotta be faster than that.
London: I really don't trust any of these people so I'm just going to catch myself, here I go...(thumps, then gasps) I didn't catch myself.
Arwin: Come on, Millicent, there's no "I" in team.
Millicent: There is in "injury."
Nia: Look either we can lift you up with two fingers [makes a fist]or I can knock you down with five.[sweetly]You're choice
Millicent: Lift away!
(Everyone then lifts Millicent up with two fingers)
Mr. Butteax: You see what can you acheive when you all work together.
Millicent: This is so exciting. I'm actually having fun!... Wee.
Mr. Butteax: Okay, people. The best way to understand a co-worker is by stepping into their shoes.
London: But, I'm a dainty size 3, Maddie has the feet of Sasquatch!
Maddie: He means we act like someone else to see their point of view. For example, I'll be you! (imitating London) Mint me, Candy Girl! Even though you're busy, forget the other customers because I'm more important! Yay me! (claps hands)
London: (imitating Maddie) Sorry, London. I can't right now, because I have to tell you a boring story about one of my weird relatives. Do me a favor and pretend to listen, would you? While I go on, and on, and on wearing my really ugly clothes!
Nia: (imitating Maddie) Oh, and let's not forget, since I'm back from saving the penguins, I want everyone to drop what they're doing and do it the way I want it!
Millicent: (imitating Nia) And, I'm Nia. I can make you do anything I say because I'm tough and can crush you like a grape! (Nia gets mad at Millicent) I was talking about another Nia.
Nia: Uh-huh.
Carey: Ooh! I'll do Patrick! (imitating Patrick) Well, (fixes her hair) I suppose I could get you to finish dinner in time to see Carey Martin's show, but that would mean working hard. (everyone else gasps)
Arwin: (thinking he is imitating Estaban) Mr. Moseby! Mr. Moseby! Can I take something that's working perfectly well and do some conveluded thing to it until it breaks? (laughs)
Carey: Arwin, I don't think you're supposed to imitate yourself.
Arwin: Oh, I thought I was doing Esteban.
Mr. Moseby: No, no, no. Esteban is more like this. (imitating Esteban) Oh, Mr. Moseby! Oh, can I have a day-off? Because, my chicken has chicken pox, and I can't feed him chicken soup, 'cause he's a chicken! Did I mention the fact that I have a chicken?
Esteban: (imitating Mr. Moseby) Oh, very well! Good luck with that! Oh, keep carrying those bags, Esteban, like a pack mule! While I sit in my office talking to my mommy!
Mr. Moseby: (imitating Esteban after all the lights go out) This is a disaster!
[The power goes out]
Esteban: Oh, no! This is a disaster!

Orchestra [#3.14]

Zack: Is this band class?
Cody: It's called an orchestra!
Zack: Looks more like a dork-estra.
Moseby: My job isn't yelling at people.
London: So you just do it for fun?
Moseby: NO!
(Mrs. Madigan screams when Zack arrives to orchestra practice)
Zack: That's weird. My new math teacher said the same thing when I walked into his class.
Mrs. Madigan: That's because there's a "Beware of Zack" poster in the teachers lounge.
Zack: Actually, my stage name is Nasty Z, the Dark Prince of Awesome.
Cody (to Barbara): You are my latka!
Barbara: (confused) I'm your potato pancake?
London: You dinged?
Esteban: No, you're supposed to say, "May I hep you?"
London: May I what?
Esteban: You know, hep! Hep, Hep.
London: Hooray!
Moseby: Less cheering, more bellhopping.
Zack [to Cody]: Dude, you're jealous of a rumor and I am not even sure that I heard it right
Cody: (crying) Oh, great! Now I've ruined my life by dumping Barbara, (squeaky) I have NOTHING!
Carey: You have a family that loves you.
Cody: (still crying) I mean something that I care about!
Barbara: [in response to a rumor mill that was intended as a apology by Cody] You think I'm stupid and smell like a yak?!
Moseby: London, maybe you should talk to your father and tell him the hotel business is not for you.
London: But it is for me. The hotel is in my blood.
Grace: Actually, our blood is in the hotel.

A Tale of Two Houses [#3.15]

Hector: Esteban, I have great news. There has been a peaceful change of government in our country and your family's back in power!
Esteban: You mean grandfather Geraldo Juan Carlos Diego Pepe Bombaro Lupe Abarto Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez has taken the throne again?
Hector: No. The other one.
Esteban: Oh, you mean Fred?
Moseby: London, the best thing for Esteban to do is keep that money in the bank. Save it for a rainy day.
Esteban: Ooh. That is a good point.
London: But if it's a rainy day, he can just take his helicopter to someplace dry.
Esteban: Ooh. That is a good point, too.
Kurt: Sneaking girls in here without my permission is totally inappropriate.
Zack: Well...Now that you're here, can we have your permission?
Kurt: Oh, sure. Go on. Knock yourselves out...are you kidding?!
Moseby: (after Esteban complains about the food) I'll tell our chef, forthwith.
London: What? You fired Chef Paolo and hired someone named Forthwith?! (gasps and covers her mouth melodramatically, and Esteban does the same thing)
Moseby: No..."Forthwith" is "presently."
London: Well, I don't care if his name is "Presently" or "Forthwith"! Tell them both to fix it!
Zack: All right, let's see. We got jellybeans, cherry sodas and cheese product in a can. All the ingredients of romance.
Esteban: I'm going to go to my apartment and think about this.
London: You can't stay at that ratty little place.
Esteban: How did you know I had a ratty little place?
London: Well, compared to me, everyone has a ratty little place.
London: Moseby, be a dear and take these to Esteban's room. And Moseby, be a moose and take these to mine.

Tiptonline [#3.16]

London: [singing to tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down"] London Tipton's really great, really great, really great! London Tipton's really great. And she deserves the opposite of hate. Which is love! Everyone, sing along!
Mr. Moesby: I really should quit... I haven't slept in a fortnight. Plus, I just said fortnight!
Carey: Honey I assume you're getting addicted to this game.
Zack: Oh please mom. I can stop anytime I want.
Carey: Kay. How bout now?
Zack: I said anytime I want.
London: The Internet's broken.
Cody: I doubt that. The Internet's a global network of fiber-optic backbones with file save access points and redundant router protocols.
London: The Internet's broken.

Foiled Again [#3.17]

Mr. Moseby: This never has a good answer, but what are you doing?
Cody: Our science project. Zack and I have to find and identify microbes in our home environment!
Zack: [on a couch reading a magazine] That’s right, so let the boy do our work.
Mr. Moseby: Maybe you should work on leaving.
Zack: Did you know there are more germs on a telephone than a toilet seat?
Cody: I used the phone today! And a toilet!!
Zack: They’re gettin’ you from both ends. Oh! And you don’t even want to know about your pillowcase.
Cody: What! What about my pillow case!
Zack: It has a million little dust mites. Party over here, party over there, let’s all eat Cody’s hair!
Cody: I gotta go shampoo! [runs out]
Carey: Stop torturing your brother.
Zack: Look who’s talkin’. You almost made liver.

Romancing the Phone [#3.18]

Maddie: London, for the last time: a Thousand Dollar Bar does not cost $1000.
London: Then Nia owes me a lot of change.
Moseby: Whoa, can you spell desperate?
London: How many chances do I get?

Benchwarmers [#3.19]

[A cheer.]
E = mc squared,
When your squad cheers, no one cares.
Elements, compound, acid, base.
When the geek squad cheers, we are up in your face.
Yay! Break it down.

Doin' Time in Suite 2330 [#3.20]

London: You know what's gonna look good on my college application? A cheque for the new library!
Maddie Okay. To win that award, we're gonna need someone famous. Someone huge. Someone no one has ever gotten before.
London: I know! Bigfoot!
Maddie: London, Bigfoot is a legend.
London: That's why he'd make such a great guest!
Maddie: No, no. I mean, he's a mythical creature. A figure of the imagination. A biological impossibility.
London: He can just borrow my huge pair of Italian loafers! He'll do it.
Carey: (having just eaten a huge bag of pretzels) Wow, i'm thirsty.
Carey: (to Zack & Cody furiously) Oh that is it. You are beyond grounded. The next time you see sunlight, actually no. You're never gonna see sunlight again. Because by the time your punishment is over, the sun will have burnt out, collapsed into a black hole and the last remnants of mankind will be living on a rusty little spaceship as the cold silence of space slowly drives them MAAAAAAD!!!
Carey: Zack, what were you thinking?!
Zack: Well you see--
Carey: I don't wanna hear it! Cody, what was going through your mind?
Cody: It's just--
Carey: Zip it, mister!
Chris Brown: I think she's halfway there.
Cheetah Girls: (laugh)
Carey: I HEARD THAT!!!
Chris & Cheetah Girls: (begin to cower)
Adrienne Bailon: We're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you!
Kiely Williams: Please don't ground us.
Sabrina Bryan: We have a concert tonight.

Let Us Entertain You [#3.21]

Zack: Mom, you need vacation. And by "you", I mean "we".
Cody: Let's go to the Pawtucket Aquarium! I hear they just opened their 'swim with the jellyfish' attraction. They won't sting you if you cover yourself in whale urine.
Zack: I'd rather get stung!
Carey: Oh, stupid, snoring dog kept me up all night.
Zack: Well, when it comes out of that end, it ain't called snoring.
Carey: [talking on phone when boys come in] Guess what, boys? We're going to see the world's largest ball of twine! But while we're there, no liquids.

Mr. Tipton Comes to Visit [#3.22]

London: [gasps] Oh, no! Daddy's gonna fire me!
Maddie: You don't work here, London.
London: He's already done it?
Moseby: [to London] You never worked here. You never did work. You don't have to work.
London: [relieved] Yay, me!
Mr. Tipton: Move back! I don't like to be crowded.
Mr. Moseby: Everybody, move back. Move back. [they bump back into the table causing the vase to break as Muriel suddenly appears]
Muriel: I'm not cleaning that up!


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