Tom Robbins/Quotes

The function of the artist is to provide what life does not.

There is no such thing as a weird human being. It's just that some people require more understanding than others.

Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.

Zippers remind me of alligators, lobsters, and Aztec serpents.... Zippers are primal and modern at the very same time.... Little alligators of ecstasy, that's what zippers are.

The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

—from Still Life With Woodpecker

I believe in everything; nothing is sacred.
I believe in nothing; everything is sacred.

—from Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?"
"Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, and you may feel free to kick his ass."

—from Jitterbug Perfume

Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay for his own drinks.

—from Jitterbug Perfume

There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.

—from Jitterbug Perfume

Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.

"There are two mantras in life: Yuck and yum. Mine is yum."

—from Still Life With Woodpecker

Long as you're not afraid, nobody can run your life for you. Remember that. Hell is being scared of things. Heaven is refusing to be scared.

When people ask me for advice -- and I don't know why they're so foolish as to do so, but some people do -- I say, "Every morning, look in your bathroom mirror and say three times: 'It's not about me.'"

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.

It is never too late to have a happy childhood.

Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.

Logic only gives man what he needs... Magic gives him what he wants.