Torchwood: Miracle Day/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

  • Rhys gets in some good ones:

Rhys Williams: "I knew it though, didn't I say? First sign of trouble you go runnin' off with Captain Jack Bollocks."

  • It's not even how Jack says the line, but the shrug and his look of "...what?" immediately after.

Captain Jack: "What if you detach the head?"

  • During his drive over to to Gwen's, Matheson is still popping pills without checking with what they do. Then he discovers that Wales is over the bridge.

Matheson: You mean Wales is separate? It's like the British equivalent of New Jersey!

Matheson: I should be dead and I'm not, and I had to pay for this bridge...

  • During the ambush at the Williams' home, Gwen advances on an broken window, firing her gun, and right as she reaches the shattered glass her daughter Anwen breaks out into a big smile. It's one of the funniest images I've ever seen on TV.
  • Matheson making his way out of the hospital, talking on his cellphone, grabbing drugs off a tray without reading what they are, then going back for more.
  • Rhys attempts to interject when the doorbell rings, and Gwen keeps shushing him. Silently. It has to be seen to be believed.
  • In "Rendition", Lyn walking around with her head on backwards should be High Octane Nightmare Fuel, but everyone's reactions to it makes it cross the line back to funny.
    • And then there's the Running Gag of people assuming that the airline steward (Danny) is gay and his reactions.

Danny: Please be careful, it's my favorite tie.
Gwen: You are so gay.
Danny: It was only once, okay!

  • "Dead of Night": Jack breaks into Danes' waiting room at a news station, and when Danes walks in Jack pretends to work for the station... for about thirty seconds, then decides to just cut to the chase:

"Sod it." (whips out a gun)

    • Same episode, Jack and Rex arguing over Jack using Rex's pain medicine for his hangover:

Rex: I need those.
Jack: So do I.
Rex: You didn't get impaled.
Jack: You should have seen the other guy (Rex rolls his eyes) Oh, Rex doesn't like his jokes too gay?
Rex: No, Rex doesn't like men in their 40s acting like they're 20.
Gwen: And we have a winner. Now hush up!

  • In "Escape To L.A.", after settling into their new base, the tough, Hell's Angel-looking landlord gives them directions to finding a "fabulous" coffee shop around the corner.

Rex: Do you make everyone around you gay?
Jack: That's the plan. stares suggestively at Rex

    • From the same episode, Magnificent Bitch Jilly is ecstatic over Oswald using the sick and elderly as an image booster. Dr. Juarez, not so much

Dr. Juarez: This is disgusting.
Jilly: *with a huge smile* I KNOW!

    • And let's not forget Gwen lying to Rhys over the phone about how terrible their new hideout is.

Rhys: Was that a seagull?
Gwen: No, it was... a woman. A mad old woman. On the rampage.

    • And then, at the end of their conversation (bear in mind the time difference between LA and Cardiff):

Gwen: I'll phone you back tonight.
Rhys: It's already tonight!

Jack: I am never letting you do that accent ever again.

    • After Rex saves Gwen and Jack from the Triangle's assassin:

Gwen: He was just about to tell us. And you shot him. In the throat.

  • Rex inquires as to how Jack acquired the amazing eye camera technology, with Jack replying "from a distant moon near a distant star." Rex doesn't believe the technology could be alien, and asks again, and is told "from a distant moon near a distant star".
  • In "The Categories of Life", Rex is taken to one of the overflow camps as a ploy to investigate it. As Jack helps load him into the ambulance, he starts acting like Rex is his boyfriend. Rex reacts pretty much as you would expect.

You look after him. I love him. That crazy old boyfriend of mine!

  • Jack confronts Stewart Owens while he's having dinner with his wife:

I'm a friend of Janet's. We met at a bar. You know, the one you were going to meet at later? [whispering loudly] Does your wife know?

  • "You're Welsh, you wouldn't recognize if the vowels were missing!"
  • During Rex and Esther's Big Damn Heroes moment in "Immortal Sins", once they ensure Gwen and Jack's safety, Gwen tackles Rex (as he's still holding a sniper rifle) and kisses him on the cheek in thanks. The look of irritation on his face is hilarious.
  • In "End of the Road", Gwen sees a collection of photos of Jack collected by Angelo... including one where Jack had a Porn Stache in the 70's.
    • And, speaking of sex jokes, Rex's CIA supervisor (played by John De Lancie) gets some laughs at Rex's expense by remarking Esther and Gwen looked bitter, then accused Rex of sleeping with them as the cause.

Shaperio: (about Gwen) Did you sleep with her?
Gwen: (outraged) Pardon me?!
Rex: No, sir, no I didn't.
Shapiro: Because most women that bitter, you've slept with.

    • There's also Gwen's complete exasperation at finding out that the people they thought were the bad guys weren't.

"So, why the hell... you know... it... bollocks! Start again! Any chance of a drink? I could murder a pint of bitter right now."

    • There's also Shapiro's first impression of Jack (which gets a laugh from Gwen and Rex):

"What's with you, Red Baron? You got Snoopy up your ass?"

    • Also from "End of the Road", Jilly Kitzinger, frustrated with Danes' uncooperative behavior (ignoring her and asking her to bring him a prostitute), meets a woman just as upbeat and pushy as herself. The woman insists that Jilly let her offer her services.

Jilly: "Go get me a sandwich. Tomato, and Swiss, and sourdough. Let's see how well you cope with that. And then you can find me a prostitute."

  • "The Gathering"
    • Shapiro's at it again:

Rex: Someone's leaking information, someone down the chain maybe.
Shapiro: I wish it were me. Then you could shoot me and I could sleep.
Rex: Yeah, I'd like that very much, sir.

  • "The Blood Line":
    • When Jack and Gwen discover the Blessing, Jack starts rattling off theories as to what it is, until Gwen interrupts:

Gwen: You have no bloody idea, do you?
Jack: Nope.

    • During her fight with Jilly, Gwen spouts this gem:

"How much lipstick can you possibly wear?" (headbutt

    • Gwen exclaiming "Jesus Christ almighty!" upon being snapped out of her internal monologue by an explosion. The mood whiplash and her Welsh accent just make it hilarious.
    • Gwen's generic, careless apologies to the elderly Chinese woman as she storms through her house. Hell, Gwen got a lot of laughs in the episode.
    • In End Of The Road:

Rex: You're telling me the Miracle started because two gay guys had a hissy fit?
Gwen: *dismissively* Back in your cave, Rex.