Wizard People, Dear Reader

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.
This wizard has seen YOU.

The god-wheel of fate has stopped for all these kiddies on "yes." Yes in-fucking-deed, you will be a wizard.

Wizard People, Dear Reader is a 2004 free audio file by Brad Neely that provides a humorous alternative narration of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, meant to be listened to alone or in sync with the movie. It is available at the Internet Archive.

Much of the humor comes from Neely's modifications to many characters and plot elements, as well as his distinct style of narration, including obnoxious hyperbole, awkward similes, and the tendency to get gradually more vulgar as the movie goes on.

Tropes used in Wizard People, Dear Reader include:

"Your father was also a badass."

  • Bread, Eggs, Breaded Eggs: Apples! Candied Apples! Appled Candy! Candied Whiskey! Apple Fritters! Also Purple Prose.
    • Also, the Sorceror's Stones powers include: lead into gold, horses into gold, immortal life, giving ghosts restored bodies, frag trolls, trolls into gold . . .
  • Brick Joke: "I've got some horses to look after."
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Harry's near constant stream of profanity during the Cribbage match. "FUCKWORD AFTER FUCKWORD!"
    • When Hagrid recounts how he told a mysterious stranger about putting Fluffy to sleep, Harry reacts as follows: "What? What could have made you say that? What do you think this is, a fucking free-for-all of facts? Why don't you go and get on the school PA, and tell everyone my dad is Val-mart, and I'm half-Dracula... What fucking good are you? Why don't you learn to keep a God-damn secret you hairy piece of shit?!"
  • Death Is Cheap: Harmony dies. Very briefly. So quickly, in fact, that you can't even see it.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: "Apples, candied apples, appled candies, candied whiskey, apple fritters..."
  • Distaff Counterpart: Snake is the Distaff Counterpart of...the Snape from the actual movie.
  • Dub Name Change: Just about everyone.
  • Eats Babies: Dumbledore, according to Val-Mart
  • Fauxlosophic Narration: When Brad Neely isn't shouting fuckword after fuckword, at least.
  • Gag Dub
  • Lemony Narrator
  • Luke, I Am Your Father: Val-Mart is Harry's father.
  • Metaphorgotten

Narrator: Her voice was chilling, like a piano made of frozen Windex.
She had the face like that of a burnt out candle stick.

  • Mister Seahorse: Hagar is the dragon's mother.
  • Nay Theist: Ronnie the Bear looked upon the gates of Heaven and rejected God, claiming Heaven is for those too weak and frightened to face the black nothingness.
  • Out-of-Character Moment. Also known here as a "moment".
  • Paper-Thin Disguise: The kids unwrap the broomstick, wondering what it is.
  • Precision F-Strike: "I am a beautiful animal! I am a destroyer of worlds! I... am Harry fucking Potter!"
    • And for Dumbledore: "We will find. That fucking troll. And we will kill. Its fucking ass."
  • Purple Prose: Parts of the narration are so purple, you may go blind.
  • Running Gag: Pretty much everything Brad Neely ever says, but especially his tendency to rename characters, often inconsistently.
    • Also, the alcoholism of nearly every character. And Harry's love of small horse figurines.

'Oh, how the wine talks...', 'Harry produces many a wine-out-of-nowhere spell, and is drunk every day before noon..."

  • Unreliable Voiceover: Wait, I don't see any whiskey flasks...
    • If you are watching the screen as the gang passes Cerberus, you might be skeptical of Neely when he says that The Wretched Harmony is being mauled to death, since on screen she appears to be perfectly fine.

'Its so fast, dear readers, that you guys can't even see that it just goes right ahead and takes a big chunk out of Harmony. He bites what is most of her head off. She is dead in an instant.'


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