You Can't Do That on Television/Radar

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.
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This show got a surprising amount of adult humor out there, though some of it that wasn't caught in Canada was caught and censored by Nickelodeon (see "Edited for Syndication" entry on the main page.) A particularly glaring example is the fact that the show either (depending on your perspective) got a Spin-Off or had its name changed for a season, which in either case resulted in a program called Whatever Turns You On.

Sex

  • Several episodes had the famous water scenes where one actress always wore white shirts that appeared to be quite transparent when wet. How they were able to keep showing this girl's nipples on television is anyone's guess.
  • "Hey Dad, you know how I you said I couldn't...you know...until I got married? Well, I'm going to get married. See ya later."
  • "Television"
    • An Opposite Sketch. Kevin and Lisa are watching TV in the bedroom, and there are some near-erotic sounds coming from the TV, in Kevin and Lisa's voices: "Oh, Kevin!" "Oh, Lisa!" Suddenly there's a knock at the door.

Lisa: Uh oh...
Mrs. Prevert: Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!
Lisa: Uh, no Mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.
Lisa: I've got a boy in here with me!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.
Lisa: Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!
Kevin: Just as it was getting interesting!
Lisa: What do we do now?
Kevin: Got any cards?

  • "Medicine"

Mrs. Prevert: How many times do I have to tell you...
Lisa: Aw, Mom...
Mrs. Prevert: Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!
Lisa: But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!
Mrs. Prevert: "Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.

  • "Seasons or Weather"

Christine: [introducing the show, dressed in a heavy overcoat and hat] I would just like to show you how the weather affects our lives - for instance, the clothes we wear. In the winter, we have to bundle up because we're suffering through that freezing cold! And then... [takes off overcoat and hat to reveal that she has on a red raincoat] comes the spring... with its soft spring rains. And then... [takes off raincoat to reveal that she is wearing a one-piece bathing suit] THE SCORCHING HEAT OF SUMMER!!!
Angry Crew Member (offscreen): CUT IT OFF!
Ross: [walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!
Christine: Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]
Ross: Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?
Christine: [laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.

  • "Censorship"
    • A number of jokes revolve around black bars over cast members' pelvic regions turning out to merely be covering shorts once removed.
  • "Luck"

Vanessa and Doug are playing cards as Valerie enters.
Vanessa: I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.
Valerie: (gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!
Doug: No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. (He peels a banana.)
Valerie: Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.
Doug: By the way, mom, what is strip poker?
Valerie: Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.
Vanessa: Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?

  • "Books and Reading"

Mrs. Prevert is washing a stack of books in the sink.
Adam: Mom! What are you doing?
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, hello Adam. I was just washing some dirty books I found in your father's closet.
Adam: Mom, you're ruining them!
Mrs. Prevert: (faking concern) Oh, am I, dear?
Adam: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? I'm going to go tell Dad.
Mrs. Prevert: That's a good idea, dear. While you're at it, why don't you tell him that I just finished washing the dirty books I found in your closet. Your father would probably be very pleased to know that you have similar tastes in literature.
Adam: ...Okay, maybe I won't then.
Mrs. Prevert: Wise move.


Drugs/Alcohol

Two Boy Scouts are sitting on a house's front porch with a case of bottled beer.
Boy Scouts (drunkenly): Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...
Scoutmaster: [Blows whistle] Empty bottles! You were supposed to collect empty bottles!
Boy Scout: We've been emptying them.... [Belch]


Violence

  • "Parties"

Alasdair: Alanis... If... if you won't go with me to the network party, I'm just going to have to kill myself, that's all.
Alanis: Oh, Alasdair. How touching. I really want to help you. Okay.
Alasdair: You'll come?
Alanis: No, I'll go.
Alasdair: You'll go? Great!
Alanis: I'll go and get my father's gun.

  • "Nutrition"
    • A series of sketches in this episode involved Lisa talking too much. At one point, a school skit had all of the other students and the teacher pull guns out of their desks and aimed them at Lisa.
  • "Addiction"

Christine: Now this is the ultimate video cartridge. It lets you play with your favorite TV program and do what you've always wanted to do. Like, you could shoot down all those stupid little Smurfs, or you could make The Dukes of Hazzard get into a 20-car collision, or you could sink The Love Boat; think of it - you could commit arson...

  • "Culture Junk"

An Opposite Sketch. Kevin comes in wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case.
Mr. Prevert: Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]
Kevin: I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.
Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun.
Mr Prevert: I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!

  • "Censorship"

While all the kids sitting in the movie theater are cut down by a barrage of bullets:
Film announcer: Coming soon to a theater near you, "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"! See Rambo shoot your friends. See him kill you! See Rambo shoot everyone in the whole world without having to reload his machine gun once. "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"!


Profanity

  • Episode 7

Bradfield: Dad, what's the definition of "ignorance and apathy"?
Senator Prevert: I don't know, and I don't give a sh--... care.

  • "Halloween"

Lisa: Oh, Christine?
Christine: Yes, Lisa?
Lisa: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Christine: Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.
Lisa: I thought so.
Christine: What do you mean?
Lisa: All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!