View source for Additional Evil Overlord List Cellblock A

{{Just for Fun}}
* Instead of attempting to take over the world starting with highly developed countries, I will start my world conquest in Southern Asia and Africa (or whatever Universe I happen to be stuck in's equivalent to an area that is poor, badly defended, and has little importance on the global market.) The plan goes as follows:
** Buy lots of weapons. Key elements include RPGs, tanks, and a healthy amount of bulletproof vests and cheap, but effective rifles. The AK-47 should be good enough. All of these will allow my soldiers to have complete dominance over anything but a strike from the air, and that is unlikely in developing countries.
** Hire most of the inhabitants of a few villages. I will start with one with a high population, a good amount of local villages, and one that happens to have a large problem with unemployment and food (well, a larger problem than most.) With promises of excitement, women (who are "relocated" from the areas I conquer), and most importantly, food, it shouldn't be hard to get a good army.
** Attack. First village, everybody dies except the women and children, soldiers get second pick of the women. The children are raised fairly, so that I will have a new generation of loyal troops once I create my empire. Alternatively, kill the children if you believe your universe is the type where an orphaned child will wind up becoming an absurdly kickass teenager who has the skills to kill your entire army.
** Third village, you should have most people just begging to join. Let them.
** Now, here comes the diplomatic part. You establish yourself as a fairly strict, but not totally intolerant, state of a certain religion. It doesn't matter what, it just can't be something the world's superpowers don't like. Make sure that you are AGAINST the religion the world's superpowers don't like. Essentially, if you were to carve up SW Asia, establish yourself as Jewish, or some tribal religion, or Christian. It doesn't really matter (just don't kill Israel.) Ask for government funding from the US. Now, you should be getting millions of (ill-spent) taxpayer money with which to fund your army.
** Continue to preform attacks on more villages, and expand your empire. Attempt to take all areas that are good for farming, so that you don't have to worry as much about food for your army. If you feel like starting a war and conquering a nation, now is probably the time to do so. Just make sure that you are not attempting to conquer somebody strongly allied with whoever is giving you funding, or strongly allied with somebody who could hurt you.
** Alternatively, kick back and relax. You now control a sizable portion of land that is useless, have first pick of all the women you conquered (you are evil, after all. Just have them reeducated in the dungeons for a week, and they will be begging to service you), and have enough money to afford all modern conveniences (hell, be nice and give those conveniences to your troops.) If you want to go with this route and still conquer, you can do so. Just try not to make too many enemies, and try to only attack targets you can defeat with the sheer presence of your army, instead of actually having to lose men (if somebody resists, morale could drop, and in an empire like this you do NOT want your soldiers thinking "maybe this guy isn't so good of a leader after all.")
** Sounds more like generic African warlord then evil overlord to me. Yes, your chances of survival are higher, but it's not the real deal is it?
*** A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step!
** It's easier than that actually. You just topple the government and make sure everybody gets education, healthcare and basic services and the whole population will accept you as they overlord since they're better off with you.
* I will consider all rules and vows carefully, but will treat them only as guidelines, not absolute laws. [[Subverted Trope|If fiction has taught me anything]], an inflexible evil overlord is a dead evil overlord.
** Addendum: I will also realize that certain Evil Overlord rules will change with the times. For example, Evil Overlord rule 84 ("I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.") should, in our (somewhat) more accepting times should read "I will not have captives of one sex guarded by any henchmen attracted to that sex." As technology, tolerance, and other factors of society advance, I should keep my personal Evil Overlord list updated. Villains who can't change with the times become the crazy old hobos who keep going on about "them newfangled automobiles" well into the 21st century.
** Of course, once I find out what works, I'll keep doing that until it stops working.
* I will never wear [[Black Cloak|a cape]].
** If I do decide to wear a cape, it will be tied on in such a way that it comes off when pulled. This will allow me to look cool without worrying about it being used to catch me or strangle me. Heck, it might even distract the hero when he pulls on my cape while I escape and he is left with the cape.
*** I will also wire my cape with Semtex if I think the hero may try to pull it off. The only person with the detonator for my bomb-cape will be me.
**** Due to the instability of Semtex, on second thought, I'll just wire it with C4, to avoid blowing myself up. Or I'll just wear body armor stiff enough to allow no shrapnel to cut through, but flexible enough to absorb the concussive force from the blast, while also being pretty much flameproof.
**** [[Did Not Do the Research|Semtex isn't any less stable than C4]].
**** Screw it. There's just too many things that can go wrong with strapping explosives to my back.
** Well, I will wear a cape that when grabbed by the hero, will detach from me and begin to strangle him.
*** Heck, I will wear a cape that strangles the hero even if he doesn't try to pull it off.
*** Why not a cape that detaches to strangle the hero AND explodes? (Of course, it would do so automatically once it reliably sees - or senses in a way not prone to false replication - that the wearer is out of range) All the benefit of strangling and exploding with the added benefit of targeting the jugular for a much more guaranteed fatality.
*** Actually, I'll just get a cape that attacks the hero. But instead of strangling the hero, my cape will beat the crap out of him. And then explode. That way, the hero will know he was defeated by clothing.
** You know what, screw it, I just won't wear a cape.
*** Where's the fun in that? What's the point of being an Evil Overlord if you're not able to enjoy the sight of your nemesis being strangled, and then blown up (or something equally unpleasant), by a fashion accessory?
**** The fun is in ruling the world with an iron fist until the day I die. Having an exploding cape isn't worth it if it gets me killed. [[Awesome but Impractical]] is a trope for a reason.
** Screw all of that. My cape will be my most trusted lieutenant. It will be able to dual wield lightsabers, and I will dispatch it to kill the hero long before he ever finds me. Should I die while it is away, the cape will become my [[Dragon Ascendant]]. Because that would be [[Crazy Awesome]].
*** All Hail Lord Cloak!
* I will avoid wearing a mask if at all feasible.
** I will ABSOLUTELY wear a face mask. With some type of built in escape mechanism should it be ripped from my face, at the very least a flashbang or concussion bomb of some sort, anything to render the hero helpless for a moment. If I want to go all out, it will have small needles coated with some type of poison that I conveniently have an immunity to. Preferably, I will be wearing a latex mask of someone the hero cares for deeply underneath it for shock value. I will NOT waste the moment of shock with evil gloating.
*** The bomb could be bad if it fires prematurely. The poison could work as long as I continue to have the immunity. Otherwise, forget it.
** Unless [[Mask Power|it makes me more powerful]] or if I [[The Faceless|need to hide my identity]].
*** I may also wear a mask to conceal my disfigurement. However, I will do this only if it is a legitimately gruesome disfigurement, and not just [[Hollywood Homely|a few scratches]] [[Minor Injury Overreaction|on one cheek]].
**** I will also ''first'' try any techniques which can restore my looks.
***** And make sure I don't [[Doctor Doom|put the metal on while it's still hot]].
** If I need to hide my identity with a mask, then that mask will, through either technology or magic (or [[Magitek|both]]), at the very least change my voice. Other functions should include a breath mask and protection from bullets.
*** [[Rule of Cool|And it must be sufficiently cool.]]
*** As long as it does not make me a ripoff of [[Star Wars|Darth Vader]].
**** Although a mask similar to Tuxedo Mask's would confuse the resident otaku hero, [[All According to Plan|Just As Planned]].
** If for some reason I must wear a mask, I will try to make it something that is not sinister in some manner. Things such as skulls, demons, etc. tend to unsettle subordinates, lower moral and [[Color Coded for Your Convenience|make myself a more obvious target for assassination attempts]].
*** If I must wear such a mask for whatever reason I will require all my minions to wear the same mask to confuse said possible assassin.
**** After, of course, making another way to identify it is me, so no one can pull off a mutiny by mask alone.
* And no [[Stripperiffic|leather dress/catsuit]] with an insane amount of cleavage. It will confuse the hero if the villainess is demurely dressed. If she really ''wants'' to dress like that, fine, but I'll advise against it.
** Keeping in mind the [[Most Common Superpower|usually positive cleavage-to-skill correlation]] in most femme fatale outfits, I will design the most [[Stripperiffic]] costume possible, and give it to my lowest ranked minions. Increases in rank will bring attendant changes in uniform to something less revealing and more practical. In addition to screwing with the hero's expectations, this will give the minions something to work for, and it's good to have ambitious minions.
** Though not "too" ambitious, obviously.
** Hey, I just trained them to regard long pants and a high neckline as the ultimate reward. Toppling my rule is going to seem so overreaching as to be lunacy to them.
** [[Villainous Crossdresser|Male henchmen can wear skirts and catsuits if they want]] provided they're sufficiently [[Bishonen|pretty]], as long as they [[Everyone Has Standards|shave anywhere that'll be showing]].
** I will. Also, [[Foot Focus|all female minions must be barefoot.]] This not only covers [[Fetish Fuel|my own appeal,]] but it makes them much more capable of not being heard by the hero while they're walking. Obvious exceptions will be made for situational safety, of course.
*** Question: What would "situational safety entail?"
**** Any time that her cries of pain would cancel out the benefit of walking quietly, I would assume.
***** Why not just have them wear comfortable shoes that are designed to be quiet? Felt soles, soft rubber, that sort of thing?
****** CARPETING MAN, USE CARPETS!!
****** Free socks for all employees.
* [[Personal Appearance Tropes|Whist on the subject of my appearance,]] I will never look like Cesare from ''[[The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari]]''. [[Looks Like Cesare|It never helps.]]
** I will hire [[Johnny Depp]] to to do that, only he can pull it off.
* I will never, EVER, '''EVER''' do anything that would cause me to cross the [[Moral Event Horizon]]. [[Villain with Good Publicity|My publicity ratings are important,]] and if I lose the support of my [[Fan Girl|audience]], I'm screwed. Also, I will make sure to update my evil overlord list ''properly'' when tropes get renamed, to avoid unintentional reference to raping my audience.
** In this vein, I will carefully observe the workings of the world and determine its position on the [[Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism]]. That way, I will know how far I can go with my evil plots before losing the sympathy of the [[Fan Girl|fanbase]].
** If it is necessary to deal with an enemy, PR be damned, I can see the horizon over there!
** But first, I will consult my advisers to make sure that it ''is'' necessary. It's important to keep both mine and my enemy's abilities in perspective.
* No matter how tempting, I will not employ time-travel in any of my evil schemes. It always ends poorly. Or begins poorly. It's hard to tell with time-travel.
** If I DO have to time travel, and the time machine itself must remain in the present, I will not leave the device where the rebels can capture it, and use it to send back in time the man who will not only thwart my scheme, but also father the current rebel leader.
** If Future Me shows up and tries to convince me that I need to go time traveling with him in order to save the universe from a monster who is [[Eviler Than Thou|Eviler Than Me]], then I will shoot him. If he really was me from the future then he would have known better than to try to reason with a super villain.
*** I'd shoot me and take my place, if I traveled back in time. If he does anything else, he's not me. Hell, if he doesn't KNOW I'm going to shoot him, he's not me.
** If I need Past Me to go time traveling with me in order to save the universe from a monster who is [[Eviler Than Thou|Eviler Than Us]], then I will bring a tranquilizer gun.
*** You know what? Why not [[Trust Password|just memorize a code word to tell myself]] when I go back in time? That way the past-me would know that I'm me, and he wouldn't shoot me.
** Y'know what? If this situation ever comes up, I'm going straight to the hero and ''his'' buddies to [[Enemy Mine|enlist their help]], and then we'll go back in time and enlist Past Hero too. The combined power of me and double my arch-rival ought to do it, and Past Me will have a clear field to wreak some havoc while Past Hero is occupied.
*** But it goes without saying that I'll still be bringing the tranquilizer gun.
** I'll go back in time to make sure everything is done to ensure that I am given the resources needed as an overlord early in life, while also depriving the hero of his necessary items.
*** Dealing with a monster that is Eviler Than Me is not an evil scheme.
**** When you're an Evil Overlord, ''everything you do'' is an evil scheme.
**** And it goes without saying that I'll still be bringing the tranquilizer gun. It's nice to have a hobby.
**** No! Hobbies are [[Evil Overlord List Cellblock B|bad]]!
***** I will use time travel to improve my situation and ruin the hero's.
****** Though, y'know, if I have the chance to just go ahead and kill Past Hero without causing a paradox, [[Kim Possible|I won't disregard it out of pride]].
** Actually, if I obtain access to a [[Time Travel]] Machine, I will just cut out the Hero entirely, go further into the past and set up a tidy little Kingdom using my [[Sufficiently Advanced]] technology. The mudgrubbing peons will grovel, I will usher in a new age of prosperity with my Evil Science/Magic, and most importantly, prove to be an inspiration to my subjectively Past Self (to whom I will will the whole of my vast fortune).
*** And I'll still bring the Tranquilizer Gun, just to be safe.
** If [[Finagle's Law]] has made an appearance at any point, than should I come across a time machine, I will torch it immediately and [[Screw Destiny|the author]] [[Off the Rails|be damned.]]
* If the [[Mecha]] exist. I shall determine where my universe falls on the Sliding Scale of [[Real Robot]] and [[Super Robot]], before I do ''anything''.
** If my enemy owns his own [[Humongous Mecha]], I will obtain the design specs and make my own evil version. Battle effectiveness is not guaranteed, but I can make a killing on the [[Merchandise-Driven|merchandising]].
*** I recommend against it, that never helps. Sabotaging the mecha is generally more effective, though temporary. Stealing the mecha entirely and then melting it down is probably the best approach. Using the mecha personally will only result in it being stolen back.
** As an alternative, if the hero starts building a Mecha I'll build a few dozen tanks for the same price. Then I'll have them shoot his ankles off... giant bipedal robots are a lot less impressive when they can't stand up.
** But before I do that, I will find out ''why'' he went to all the trouble to build a mecha. Given the time and the number of people that would have to be involved, at least one would likely have realized the inherent problems. Given that, if it gets built ''anyway'', there's probably a damn good reason.
*** Because [[Munchkin|it gives more plusses]].
** I will always keep in mind, however, that [[Conservation of Ninjitsu]] frequently applies to machines too, and that it is ''really'' embarrassing for your large fleet of tanks to be destroyed by a sixteen-year-old in a mecha. It makes you look weak ''and'' unimaginative.
*** I'll build one, ginormous, efficient tank. While the hero designs a complicated robot hand to hold his gun, I shall simply build the gun right into the tank, and make a killing on savings. Which I can use to build a better gun. That sort of thing.
*** That didn't work very well when [[Those Wacky Nazis]] [[wikipedia:Landkreuzer P. 1500 Monster|tried it]], though... so maybe not. I'll build a mockup of an appropriately evil-looking [[Humongous Mecha]] thus reaping the marketing benefits as well, but fit it with no actual weapon-systems - only enough power and mobility for basic movement. Instead, I'll fit it with a tactical [[Nuke'Em|nuclear weapon]] and a remote-control. When the hero tries to engage my mech in melee combat - and they always DO, for some reason - I just make sure I'm well outside the blast-range and press the red button. My [[Villain with Good Publicity|PR Department]] will inform anyone who complains that the experimental fusion reactor in the hero's mech went critical due to apparent design flaws.
** Wait a minute. I'm both well aware of what is [[Cool but Inefficient]] ''and'' am [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]. To that end, I'll go both ways, and construct a force of fairly smaller mecha than what the hero will be trotting around in, probably quadrupedal or even more leggy, to avoid dangers to their mobility. These smaller mecha will thus have all the advantages of the [[Rule of Cool]] inherent to mecha while at the same time avoiding many of the weaknesses of single large mechas.
*** I will also ensure that ''all'' of these mecha are individually customized, with unique paintjobs and affectations, and have (attractive female or bishounen) pilots whose names (and nicknames like "Maniac" and "Iceman") are constantly mentioned and have deep, colorful backgrounds. Also, these mecha will only operate in small groups, thus utilizing both [[Nominal Importance]] ''and'' dodging [[Conservation of Ninjitsu]]. Plus, there's the possibility one or more of my many unique mecha-pilot minions will become the target of a [[Misaimed Fandom]], making them [[Contractual Immortality|unable to die]]. I'm [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]; I might as well take advantage of it.
**** Y'know what? How about making them capable of fusing into one big mecha? This will make 'em really invincible to [[Conservation of Ninjitsu]]. It's the way the Power Rangers won nearly all of their battles.
*** Remembering that named pilots have a higher chance of going rogue than the unnamed ones, I will keep the best, most highly developed machine to myself. It will ''not,'' however, be the largest one--[[The Dragon|my Dragon]] gets that.
**** And for extra safety, any time I build a superpowerful robot/ battle suit/ tank/ etc., I will add an ultra-secure remote-controlled detonator. When the hero steals it, or it goes rogue, or my henchman does a [[Heel Face Turn]], I'll blow it up.
*** On second though, I might be able to take one of these smaller robots using the power granted from being a [[Badass]] overlord.
*** I will build/hire/train one of everything, giving me a versatile and near invincible force.
*** One of everything is an awful strategy. It's much more efficient to partially specialize in certain techs, with supporting techs that are specifically effective against any attack type that the specialized tech is weak to - it may not be as versatile, but it sure as hell won't spread my forces so thin - a single artillery piece can't do much, for example, and will require some tank and infantry defensive forces. Having only one repair mech will also drag the whole thing down if the good guys attack in force.
**** I will at least train a phalanx of spearmen, in case the heroes' mecha reach my lair.
** I will also consider sending out infantry in light body armour with anti-tank weaponry. Surely the young boy who just [[Falling Into the Cockpit|Fell Into The Cockpit]] of the enemy's latest super robot will be reluctant to kill without the buffer a giant robot or power armour provides?
** The ultimate trick is to give myself a disadvantage. I mean, one man with a rocket launcher is pretty weak against a bipedal apocalypse, but due to my genre savvyness, I know this actually mean instant victory for the one guy. So really, against [[The Hero]]'s mecha, I will send my most pathetic troops, on foot, with no armor, maybe a toothpick as a weapon. I will also make sure that everyone feels sorry for them, as they are [[Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain]]s bordering on being complete [[The Woobie|woobies]]. Should the hero still destroy them, the backlash will make his ratings go straight to hell, with everyone wondering [[What the Hell, Hero?]].
*** Best strategy. Even if you're up against an Anti Hero, as long as he's responsible for most of the collateral damage plus the murders of your lightly armed human soldiers he's sure to have his piloting license revoked. Avoid inflicting civilian casualties. If nothing else, all the bad publicity his behavior generates will result in you becoming the hero and him the villain. Never, under any circumstances, cross the [[Godzilla Threshold]]. Let him do it first, then unleash your unstoppable fleets of war machines when public outcry demands it. Be quick with the relief efforts after each confrontation.
** I will, instead of going to all the trouble of making an elaborate counter, have a mock-up shell made with a giant sword, and leave it in a field. Of mines.
** Screw that, I'll just buy the mooks the hero has working for them and give them top of the range equipment for them to build a much more advanced mecha capable of wiping out an entire mecha army in one blow.
*** Which the hero will then steal. Scrap that idea.
** Alternatively, I will build a bigger, cooler version of the heroes' mecha. [[Color Coded for Your Convenience|In white]]. I will have it piloted by an angsty antihero who was tricked into working for me. When the heroes inevitably convert him and he parks his robot in their base, I will activate the remote detonation feature I haven't told him about and watch the fireworks.
*** Which the hero will steal before it's finished and/or before you've installed the explosives. Scrap that idea.
**** Obviously, the explosives are put in first. The rest of the mecha is built ''around'' them.
**** Who needs explosives when mecha run on ultra-destructive engine cores? Just put in a meltdown setting you can activate by remote.
*** Or, you could be REALLY savvy and create your ultimate mecha with the ''intention'' of it being stolen. And rig the cockpit with multiple deathtraps, and the engine with a remote control shutdown.
** Banana peels? Tanks? Mines? None of you Overlord wannabes are particularly [[Genre Savvy]], are you? If you want to be successful, you had better groom yourself to be the prettiest [[Bishounen]] you can muster to get all the [[Draco in Leather Pants|fangirls on your side]]. Now, get yourself the coolest, white-colored mecha your eccentric dev team can create and ''pilot it yourself''. You'll have both sides of the fanbase eating out of your hand as you usurp the role of ''[[Rocko's Modern Life|Best Character on the Show]]'', thus giving you [[Contractual Immortality]] and a steady stream of [[Mid-Season Upgrade|Mid Season Upgrades]] to [[Take Over the World]] with.
*** On the other hand, fangirls have about as much control over most shows' content as they do over the laws of physics. If anything, they often bug the creators so much that I'll probably get killed in an especially painful way just to spite them. Instead I will rely on a mix of humor and Badassitude to garner the sympathy of the general fanbase and specifically do whatever the writers/director/producer think is really cool.
**** I will set out to be the most awesomely manly and humorous character since Kamina from [[Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann]], and in so doing aim for the Sephiroth Factor: There is no such thing as a [[Moral Event Horizon]] if you're cool enough. At worst, I'll come up roses with some delicious [[Joker Immunity]].
** The rule is ''Do not fight the Hero in a Mecha.'' It is never a good idea. If I find the hero is in the process (or has just finished the process) of acquiring a Mecha, I will start by checking the status of my plans. If my military-based world takeover plan can be run with 90% or better confidence right now, I will run it, ignoring the Hero as I do so. (Hopefully it'll succeed, and then I can deal with the Hero as a lone resistance.) If not, I will immediately abort any and all plans for a military takeover, and use my Army of Doom as a mercenary force instead. (With discounts for 'good causes', of course.) Meanwhile I will start plans for economic or political takeovers instead, using the income from my mercenary force as funding. Worst case the Hero will leave me alone as a greedy-but-useful semi-ally while kicking someone else's ass. Best case the Hero will have no one to fight, and will therefore retire.
*** 90% chance in my favor? The odds don't come much worse than that!
*** And if I have already taken over the world, I will start a plan of economic improvement in the area likely to be the Hero's base. Important parts of the plan will include buying up old warehouses (and using or demolishing them) and increasing the number of cool-but-time-consuming jobs available for unskilled labor. (Particularly teenagers with piloting skills.)
**** I will calmly ask the hero WHY he's out to get me. If he thinks I'm a tyrant, I'll blame my underlings and feign innocence. Fight the "unnoticed" corruption in my government. Create a charity called "Puppies for Orphans" or something like that. Given enough good publicity, I might even be able to [[More Than Mind Control]] that idiot and gain an unstoppable new lieutenant in the process! All I have to do is demonstrate how my conquest of all creation is for the greater good.
*** In fact, if I have economic control of the area, I will just cancel the bank loan the Hero is using to finance developing and building his mecha. This will, of course, cause him to build it out of [[Punk Punk|scrap metal]] and [[Schizo-Tech|spare parts]] ([[Iron Man|perhaps in a cave]]), but this will take much longer and allow me to work on [[Xanatos Gambit|contingencies]] in the meantime.
** I'd just skip all these preparations and when the Hero comes out with his highly-technological Mecha, I'd simply deploy an EMP. With his (or her) mecha disabled, all killing the Hero would entail is about the same effort as killing someone in a giant metal cage... that doesn't move. Of course, I will likely blast the damn thing into oblivion before he or she can get out ANYWAY, but that's just a precaution.
*** And if, by some small chance the Hero thought to make the mecha so it is unaffected by EMP blasts, repeated bombardment via dozens of cruise missiles will just have to do. Don't think I'd send the troops in to fight a Mecha unless necessary.
** I'd just kill the workers. Is there still a problem if there's no mecha to start with?
*** Prevention is the easiest plan here; If I find the hero is building a mecha, I will destroy it while it is unfinished. Note that unfinished means "has not yet been outfitted with weapons" or "has no legs", not "is still in the prototype stage". If they have already completed the [[Super Prototype]], I will not attack them until they actually start mass-producing the mecha. Mass-produced versions of anything usually suck, and the [[Conservation of Ninjitsu]] will be on my side. While their mecha army is attacking my (fake) base, I will send my most competent group of minions to retrieve the prototype, which was put into storage as soon as mass production began and is probably not guarded very well. Then my [[Mad Scientist]] will upgrade the prototype, which I will now use as my own personal mecha. Unless I decide to iron out the flaws and build myself an even better one. If this is the case, [[The Dragon]] gets the original prototype, which will be outfitted with a bomb if anything goes wrong.
** No, I think that your going about the mecha thing all wrong, most mecha heroes are fighting to eliminate war right? all I do is say that you decided to become peaceful, enter into negotiations with him, and while he is negotiating with me, a highly trained team of techies sabotages his giant mecha, then I simply shoot him, if he happens to escape my guns? he boards a mecha that will automatically blow in his face as soon as he turns it on.
*** [[Big No|No]]. While most [[Real Robot]] pilot are [[Ordinary High School Student]] who love peace, they're working for [[The Federation]] which is also manipulated by [[Smug Snake]] (surprised to see [[Eviler Than Thou]]?) In [[Super Robot]] setting, they're rebellious [[Hot Blood]] whose will never go to negotiation. Heck, even if the plan succeeds, the bomb most likely will [[Dead Little Sister|kill his little sister]] instead. My legion might ''almost'' conquer Earth in the following episode, but then the hero will comeback with [[Mid-Season Upgrade]] and may even become [[Anti-Hero]] for the sister.
*** If you absolutely must fight, remember that you're up against a cocky teenager with a heroism complex. Send a Dragon or other trusted (and competent) subordinate to fight them, without a mecha of their own. Instruct this person to demand that the hero "fight like a man" and wait for the wannabe-ace to dismount. Then, your man either flattens them or-better yet-''hijacks their mecha'' and flattens them. In the event that the hero is [[Genre Savvy]] enough not to fall for this, know beforehand so you don't sacrifice a key underling for no return.
**** It doesn't have to be the Dragon, honestly. Any red shirt will do. And who knows, you might find out he's actually a competent subordinate waiting for a chance to prove himself. Maybe he wins the fight and you don't even HAVE to backstab anyone.
* If a previously powerless hero has started glowing brightly and exhibiting god-like powers, for fucks sake I mustn't shoot them. Instead, I will say they have shown me the true power of good, that evil is flawed and weak, and that I shall change my kingdom. When they have stopped glowing (as these things tend to be short lived) then I'll shoot them.
* If I absolutely, positively, pathologically must taunt the hero with my plan, I will first have a qualified Doctor cut the nerve endings of his spine. You don't see too many quadriplegic protagonists.
** Alternatively, I will do the spinal cutting myself. If I screw up, literally what is the worst that could happen?
** No, first I will smash his arms and legs with a sledgehammer. You can't buy that kind of entertainment.
*** Hello? [[Moral Event Horizon]] breakage right there.
**** What [[Moral Event Horizon]]? I'm evil!
**** Never justify your actions with "I'm f***ing evil!" There's no point in reading these lists if that's your train of thought. The idea is to convince people you're NOT evil, so they won't want to kill you in the first place.
**** Oh sure, tell that to [[Villain with Good Publicity|Public Relations]]... right after your fool-proof plan blows up (and in the case of mecha, quite literally) in your face, after you lose your fanbase that had granted you your [[Contractual Immortality|immortality]].
**** So like the original list said, I will never tell the hero my plan. Ever.
* If I ever attack my enemy's main base, my operational plan will specifically de-target the pilots' barracks to a distance no less than three times the lethal radius of my most powerful weapons, thus insuring his mecha are commanded by their regular pilots rather than sixteen year-old replacements who will invariably be more formidable.
** Hell, if I know the layout of their base well enough to know where the barracks are, I should know where the hangar bay, motor pool, and/or armory would be, and should begin by seizing and/or destroying those. [[Death From Above|Airstrike time!]]
*** However, that has a tendency to result in a variation on the above flaw, in that with all their regular weapons and vehicles destroyed, the heroes will be forced to field their [[Super Prototype|highly-experimental prototype]] instead, which will promptly turn out to be more effective than their entire regular forces combined. The airstrike should be refined to target the laboratory areas marginally in advance of the hangar bay, motor pool, etc.
**** I will also be sure to include a few well-trained teenagers as an advanced theft force. No mentally unstable girls (Wait. Scratch that. No girls. Period.), because they will always fall in love with the Hero/Anti-Hero/Lancer. I will send a bunch of well-trained teenage eunuchs. That should take care of any pesky [[Foe Yay]] instances.
***** Instead of sending no girls, I shall send a group of attractive female pilots between the ages of fifteen and thirty. They shall all be fanatically loyal to me and shall all carry [[Crazy Prepared|a disassembled submachine gun]] concealed on their person. Their orders will be to eject from their craft at the slightest hint of danger, allow themselves to be rescued by the hero, pretend to fall in love at first sight, then [[Just Shoot Him|shoot him]] [[In the Back]] as soon as he turns away.
** Should my enemy use some powerful war machines usable by any child, I'll covertly recruit teen fans of relevant simulators in appropriate numbers, promising them a chance to pilot the real thing. My Black Ops will smuggle these volunteers into the enemy hangars in order to hijack aforementioned machines, so the enemy will face a crowd of unpredictable trigger-happy [[munchkin]]s amidst their base. Also, it will give the enemy bad PR for poor security, destruction of their base and killing innocent kids who just wanted to play. This will reduce the possibility that some inane genius would ''ever'' join the enemy ranks, due to both bad PR and because I just got rid of most candidates (by proxy). Any survivor of this operation mad enough to wish for more will be enlisted immediately (shock troops for free!).
*** If I care about my [[Villain with Good Publicity|approval ratings]], I need to either make sure any survivors remain under my careful surveillance and custody during the entire operation, or that they don't learn of my involvement until they're back in my custody afterward.
* Should it ever be absolutely unavoidable that I build an army of [[Humongous Mecha]], they will all be [[Super Prototype|experimental prototypes]]. If a refinement of a design is necessary, I will instead build a new prototype.
** Note: That mecha I had the mooks build for me should be able to wipe out the whole base with one shot.
* [[Cloning Blues|Clones. BAD.]]
** I will never create an army of clones.
** I will never [[Cloning Gambit|clone myself to have a backup body]].
*** If I ''do'' clone myself to have a backup body, I will keep the clone in stasis until needed. I will also perfect a foolproof method of transferring my consciousness between clone bodies, because the point here is for '''me''' to conquer the world. My identical twin doing it just isn't the same.
**** Said clone shall be totally brain-dead.
***** Unless said foolproof method of transferring my consciousness does not transfer my mind as well.
****** Best way of using a cloned body is if it's in a Rei Ayanami scheme... Without the Angel part, of course.
** I will never clone the hero.
*** On the contrary, I will clone an army out of that hero, with the same memories and as heroic as the hero. That way [[Conservation of Ninjutsu]] will be on my side.
**** [[Conservation of Ninjutsu]] will only get you so far. Eventually, they'll start attacking and you'll have to start killing them. When it comes down to one left, conservation ends and you have one full-powered hero.
**** Then I might make some more clones. Sure that is not a way to get rid of that pesky Hero but it might buy me enough time to come up with something that might actually [[Killed Off for Real|kill him]].
**** Possible, but there have got to be cheaper ways of stalling him than that.
** The only way cloning is acceptable is if it's a part of expanding the [[Hive Mind]]. And even then, it's still not a good idea unless I'm part of that Hive Mind. And then only if I'm the ''controlling'' part.
*** Clone Hitler is a even worse idea. I will have it on a bulletin board. Those who encourage it get killed. Those who notice get promotions.
** I will be sure to look into cloning an army of mooks, or even a clone army of me.
*** Seriously, what part of "Clone. BAD." don't you understand?
** Of course, a clone one eight my size can come in handy.
*** And of course, if I create a clone one eighth my size, I'll remember to treat it well so it doesn't betray me.
* If I do build an [[Circus of Fear|Amusement Park]] [[Doomy Dooms of Doom|Of Doom]], I won't go the tired old [[No OSHA Compliance|deathtrap-roller-coaster]] route. It's too obvious, and cost-ineffective. Instead, I'll just overcharge for beverages, and never let the hero realize they're financially supporting my evil schemes.
** Better yet, to be ''truly'' evil, I'll make the beverages free. Then install overpriced pay toilets.
*** And charge both to enter and to exit.
*** And to flush.
*** And to wipe.
*** And there will be a maze that the hero will have to navigate in order to reach them.
*** And there will be fines for inadequate hand-washing. Fines generate cash, and catching dysentery off the [[Idiot Hero]] is not how I plan to end my reign of terror.
** Wait, I've just remembered the ''Theme Park'' video game. Free fries, salty as the Bonneville Flats, and drinks that cost an arm and a leg (literally, if desired). Besides, even those with the mildest [[Anti-Hero]] tendencies will just piss in the bushes anyway.
*** Which will always have loose wires leading to self-contained solar-powered electric cells, because no deaths are funnier than frying via the old urethra. Especially when replayed several times.
*** Then, I will send the footage to one of those home-video television shows, whereupon I will undoubtedly win the grand-prize at the end of the season. If this fails in America, I will send it [[South of the Border]]. They love the [[Groin Attack]] there.
** Alternatively, the drinks are free but laced with slow-acting poison to which [[Find the Cure|only I (supposedly) have the cure]]. I will use this as leverage to force the heroes to get me a [[MacGuffin]], at which point I will break tradition and actually give the hero the cure I promised. However, the 'cure' I give will actually be a ''fast''-acting poison that kills him in half an hour.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20100323231157/http://www.adventurers-comic.com/d/0016.html There should be no cotton candy.]
** [[Portal (series)|There will be cake.]]
** Why am I building a [[Circus of Fear]] again? Screw this—I will hire a competent psychiatrist to remove the compulsion that led me to do this in the first place and then go and do something ''useful''. To assuage my needs, I will build a ''regular'' [[Amusement Park]] with an [[Of Doom]] theme. That oughta scratch my itch and provide some much-needed funding for the real plans.
*** Not to mention making me [[Affably Evil|look better]] to the kids.
** Wait, why would I want to ''build'' an amusement park? I'll just buy [[Disney Theme Parks|Disneyland]]!
*** Just buy Disney altogether. It probably rules, like, half of the world already. And then put subliminal messaging in the movies/television shows/music.
**** Except Pixar movies. We shan't be ruining those.
*** [http://jmccormick.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/lionkg2.jpg Too Late.]{{Dead link}}
** Instead of making an amusement park of doom, let's make everything funnier and far more overpriced than Disney! Ah, and it'll have anime. Heroes love anime.
* If I ever feel the need to slow down the hero's progress by placing doors that can only be opened once he has a certain number of [[Plot Coupon]]s, I won't bother creating a large number of such doors requiring an increasing number of items. Instead there will be a single door, right at the beginning, that [[Locked Door|cannot be opened]] until the hero has all of them. Needless to say, all plot coupons are on the other side of the door.
** On a related note, I will not set up arbitrary puzzles to slow progress through my castle. If I really think that simply using a key/ password/ fingerprint scanner is not enough then the only way to open the door will be to follow some obscure sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere - anyone who is authorized to pass will know what this is.
** Plus anybody who [[Guide Dang It|has a guide]]. Note to self: kill guide publishers.
*** I will publish my own guide, with several slight inaccuracies - accidentally replacing "suicidal" with "extremely effective", that sort of thing. Better yet, if at all possible, I will attempt to gain control over the [[Blind Idiot Translation|translators]], especially the ones in charge of translating discussion about the [[Puzzle Boss|giant scorpion which will counterattack when its tail is]] <s>up</s> [[Final Fantasy VII|down]].
** Of course, an obscure sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere, ''is'' a password.
** [[The Password Is Always Swordfish|The password will not be "Swordfish".]] It will be a random series of letters, numbers, and even punctuation. Nobody ever thinks of punctuation.
** I will set up long puzzles that are literally impossible and hope the heroes try to solve it and get distracted long enough for some minions to kill them, but not before they find the joke that makes fun of them that I put in the puzzle, just for laughs.
*** It won't work as [[Phi Brain: Kami no Puzzle|someone]] is proving it going suck.
** The password will always be something referencing pop culture. Let's see how the hero born in the same year as me is surprised when he can't figure out that the password is 8675309!
*** If the password will be referencing pop culture, why not make pop culture decades before the hero is born? If the hero was born the same year as me, he may get 8675309, but not what Puttin' on the Ritz MEANS!
**** If you're blue and you don't know where to go why don't you go where fashion sits? ([[Trope Kira|I was born on May of '92.]]
**** If the song is at all played/broadcast where anyone and everyone can hear, it fails this.
**** In fact, make all passwords be foreign words, phonetically written, with minor misspellings.
**** A phonetically written password, regardless of whether or not it is spelled correctly, is still easier to remember than random letters, numbers, and punctuation. If I can't be bothered to spend 10 minutes memorizing a random-looking password that leads to everything important to my [[Evil Plan]], I don't deserve to be Evil Overlord.
** If at all possible, I will have my Dev team make a voice recognition system that it can detect, without fail, who is stating the password. If the person stating the password is not recognized in the databanks, they will be asked to repeat it, in case it does fail to recognize someone. If they fail to be recognized again, they will be shot with a tranq, and an APB will be put out to my security team. If it turns out it was someone who's voice WAS in the databanks, they Dev team will restart it immediately or be fired. Or shot, if I'm feeling angry that particular day.
* I will always keep in mind that nothing slows down the hero's progress quite like being dead, and remind myself not to settle for second best.
** Make this top priority. Heroes and deadness don't go together well.
*** And even if I succeed, I will not rule out the possibility of him to come [[Back from the Dead]] in some way.
**** If he does, be prepared. Rearrange his corpse with explosives, so the minute he comes back you can just blow him up.
***** Why not just blow him up the instant his body is found? If his friends don't need the body to bring him back, it's not like wiring his corpse is going to do much good anyway.
****** For the sheer joy of this scenario: The instant the hero comes back to life he embraces his [[Love Interest]] happily. I detonate the explosives, and they both die horribly. Bonus points if the [[Love Interest]] was the on who revived him.
* If I am ever so bored as to feel the need to destroy a planet for my own amusement, I will blow up an uninhabited gas giant, rather than an [[Insignificant Little Blue Planet|insignificant blue planet]] with a population that might include potential heroes. Besides, gas giants [[Earthshattering Kaboom|blow up]] with [[Impressive Pyrotechnics|satisfyingly dramatic explosions]]; they're more fun anyway.
** I will then remember that gas giants are thousands of times more massive than small rocky planets, take forever to expand even with the proper energy input, and were probably home to a psychic gestalt hydrogen based race who communicated with a priestly caste a thousand light years away, the [[Last of His Kind|last member of which]] will dedicate his life to slaying me. If I must blow things up, I will implicate a [[Fall Guy|lesser functionary]] as the horrific destructor of sentient lifeforms afterward, and choose small, lifeless moons with no possibility of any life present to blow up. No doubt there is a tiny, shielded colony within its rocky surface that my men overlooked, but the [[Fall Guy]] will take the blame ''and'' be already dead by the time the last survivors come after me. Ahem.
** You know what, I just won't blow up any planets. Wal-Marts will do, nobody will miss those.
** Under no circumstances will I blow up the local Target, however. [[Villains Out Shopping|I have to get my socks somewhere, after all.]] They are really asking for it with that [[Meaningful Name|name]] though.
** The name IS too tempting. I will steal my socks from Abercrombie and Fitch, and watch the mushroom cloud while enveloped in silky comfort.
** Screw you guys, I will solve the great "should Pluto be a planet debate" by blowing it up. There, no need to worry about it any more.
*** Good show! And while we're at it, i really hate that Uranus pun... let's go ahead and blow that up too.
*** I also never liked Venus being both the Morning and Evening Star. That just pisses me off.
*** [[H.P. Lovecraft|Blowing up Pluto may be a very, very bad idea.]]
*** Don't bother destroying Saturn, it will just [[Sailor Moon|be reborn]], and that will be just plain frustrating.
* I may have a Fu Manchu mustache, but only if I am either a: [[Genre Savvy]] or b: extremely [[camp]]y.
** And it's still not a good idea unless I happen to be ''both''.
** I will follow the example of the original literary [[Fu Manchu]] and wear a ''false'' moustache or other obvious identifying feature while in public, thus making both anonymity and disguise easier.
** Note: this does not work well with non-Asians.
* I will never [[You Have Failed Me...|execute one of my generals]] for failing to win a single battle despite his best efforts. After all, people make mistakes, and if he didn't consistently deliver results, I wouldn't have promoted him in the first place.
** The punishment for failure in my minions shall be demotion or dismissal, not execution. As said before, people make mistakes, and killing does not inspire loyalty or encourage new recruits to join.
*** [[Career-Building Blunder|Possibly even a warning not to let it happen again.]] I will be judicious with that one, but it does inspire loyalty.
** In a similar vein, my minions shall receive: a good pension plan, health benefits, two weeks of paid vacation time per year, and a good salary. This inspires loyalty and it encourages people to join if the job is a good one.
** Sometimes a bit of psychological stuff works, let's see the general fail after [[Cool and Unusual Punishment|a bit of Paris Hilton music]]! Mwa hahahaha!
*** Tsk, tsk. [[Evil Laugh|You've evidently forgotten the original list's advisory against evil laughter.]]
**** Why not just make him listen to It's a Small World, and make all the higher-ups watch through soundproof magic mirrors?
* Should a messenger catch me and my evil consort ''in flagrante delicto'', I will not [[Coitus Uninterruptus|remain in bed while listening to the message]]. I will instead excuse myself, put on a dressing gown, and go into the next room to hear what he has to say. If it's important enough for him to ignore the "Do Not Disturb" sign, I should probably be giving it my full attention.
** If it was important enough to warrant ignoring a "do not disturb" sign, I would waste time dressing. I would listen to the message, and then determine whether it is so important I need to slap on my bulletproof vest and my outfit
*** Note to self: Always wear bulletproof vest to bed. Because [[Aesop|it's important and considerate]] to [[A Worldwide Punomenon|wear protection]] when being intimate.
** If the messenger's eyes wander too much, or if the message isn't important, he's fired, and should thank me for not killing him. Anyone who plans on taking a messenger job should be warned about interrupting my "private time" right off the bat, and they damn well better not forget.
** Unless, you know, I find the messenger in question attractive, in which case ([[Woman Scorned|my current lover permitting]]) I may take wandering eyes to imply interest and invite them to join us. See the entry on Minionshipping, below. [[Woman Scorned|Did I emphasize the CAUTION bit enough?]]
** I will also consider the benefits of a speaker system, with a call and response system that prevents impersonation. Messengers can be the hero in disguise and I really don't need to be surprised when I'm that vulnerable.
** Speakers kill the mood, I will have all data transferred to me by E-mail, which I will check after I'm finished.
** Ahem... Some of you seem to be forgetting one of the original list's rules: basically, it boiled down to "Do not ignore the messenger. Do not ''kill'' the messenger"
* If the hero's father is [[Disappeared Dad|no longer alive]], I will use every bit of misinformation possible to make him believe that [[Luke, I Am Your Father|I am his real father]]. I will then drop hints that suggest that I am not beyond redemption. During an appropriate moment, I will pretend to return to goodness, and, while we embrace in a reconciliatory father-son moment, I will stab him in the back. Sucker.
** This works especially well if [[You Killed My Father|I killed his father]] myself. The irony makes me happy.
*** Why not just kill the kid, too?
*** Because even if order my minions to execute children, at least one of the little bastards inevitably slips away. Best to have a backup plan.
** In a similar vein, if I am an actual member of the hero's family, I will also suggest that I am not beyond redemption. However, I will ensure that our relationship is common knowledge. This ensures that not only is the hero surely aware of it, but it also ruins his street cred. After all, who wants to be known as the nephew of the guy who killed 10,000 people because he was bored? When the moment to fake a return to goodness arises, I will insist on hugging my beloved nephew/cousin/son/whatever. At that point I will stab him in the back. Sucker.
** A better idea is to not be involved with family issues at all. Or just kill his whole family. And him. Sucker.
* If I form a cult, it will be entirely made up just to rob people of money, rather like Scientology. Unlike Scientology, there will be no supernatural elements, as that would just mean the spirit/god/demon/mystic phlebotinum/etc. would backfire on me eventually. Also, it just makes you sound silly.
** If I ''[[A God Am I|am]]'' [[Gods Need Prayer Badly|a god]] or if I need [[Clap Your Hands If You Believe|believers]] in order to [[Ascend to a Higher Plane of Existence|become one]], I will make the cult as benign and agreeable as possible.
** But either way, I will sacrifice Tom Cruise.
* If I have created several boss monsters that have lost to the hero already but are in my final dungeon, which the hero has penetrated, the hero will not have to [[Boss Rush|fight all of them in a sequence]]. Rather, they, along with myself, will all attack the hero simultaneously.
** For that matter, if I can create multiple copies of boss monsters, I will have them all fight the hero at once ''in the first place'', and not wait for him to reach my stronghold, with all of those upgraded weapons and learned skills.
** You know what, as soon as I hear of a hero, I, in my most powerful form, along with all of the copies of all my boss monsters, will attack right then. Preferably at night when the hero is asleep.
*** Unless he's [[The Ace]]. That would either lead to a new hero rising in vengeance, or him beating them all in an initial show of Acedom.
*** Besides, if I do that, he will be [[We Need a Distraction|a distraction]].
** Screw the boss monsters. They're too much maintenance, and I'm a busy overlord.
*** Not to mention the whole [[Conservation of Ninjutsu]]...
* When I create a devastatingly powerful robotic or genetically engineered minion with only one elemental weakness, I will make absolutely certain that none of my other minions are carrying an easily stolen weapon designed to strike that weakness.
** Its elemental weakness will be [[Unobtainium|Actinium-227]]. That should ward off [[Idiot Hero|the average do-gooder.]]
*** Screw Actinium. Something even rarer like Ununoctium-294 of which only three atoms have been confirmed to have existed.
** Alternatively, it just won't have an elemental weakness. Seriously, how hard is it to fix such a glaring design flaw?
** Or, just for fun, its elemental weakness will be something highly radioactive. After all, villains have better chances in a realistic series, and nothing says gritty realism quite like cancer.
*** Before that, I should extensively test the realism of the universe to ensure that the result of exposure is actually cancer and not a [[I Love Nuclear Power|potential source of superpowers]].
** Note: All my robotics have gone to the mecha. All the genetics to my clones.
** [[Cloning Blues|NO CLONES]], and mecha have been known to side with hero. See above.
* If there is a literal [[Idiot Ball]] in my world, I will pretend it's my one weakness. Of course being an idiot is a weakness, but the heroes will carry it around this way.
** UNLESS [[The Ditz|there is a happy go lucky twit]] running around [[Cloudcuckoolander|barely paying attention to everything]]. [[Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass|Those tend to be trouble.]]
* If I ''really'' want to ''guarantee'' my success in all my diabolical endeavours, I will take three steps to guarantee that the Forces Of Good will [[Villain Protagonist|cheer me on]]:
** I will only select targets who are [[Eviler Than Thou|considerably more villainous or corrupt than I am.]] This lets me battle a variety of [[Acceptable Targets]] and [[Exclusively Evil]] monsters while still allowing me to get my therapeutic Evil Overlord kicks.
** I will either uphold ''[[Well-Intentioned Extremist|somewhat]]'' [[Well-Intentioned Extremist|idealistic enough tendencies]] to be considered the hero of the situation, or be [[Rule of Funny|extremely funny]] and [[Draco in Leather Pants|sexy]].
** I shall select only sympathetic, funny, and genuinely likable individuals for my lieutenants and trusted underlings.
*** I will at least ''try'' not to kill them.
** I instead teach the hero and then turn him over to my side when he's smart. But not too smart. None of those overthrowing the overlord thing here.
* You know what? Screw all this proper planning and [[Genre Savvy|knowledge of what's going to happen]]. If I'm going to be a villain, I might as well have ''fun'' with it.
** Screw ''that''. I'll just have fun when I have followed this list, destroyed the heroes, and conquered the world. Then I can torment the population all I want. It's better to have a life of [[Dangerously Genre Savvy|smart villainy]] than to be dead because I can't plan ahead.
** I ''can'' plan ahead, I'd just rather [[Large Ham|ham it up]] than follow a bunch of laws. Isn't my entire idiom to ignore what other people want? And why am I [[Split Personality|talking to myself?!]]
*** On the other hand, being Vetinari-like (with a larger budget for jetpacks and mechs) and alive beats being Blofeld and dead.
*** I'm talking to myself because two heads are better than one and many personalities is as close as we'll get.
** I will plan ahead for the sake of not suffering a [[Karmic Death]]. I talk to myself because [[Surrounded by Idiots|there is no one else intelligent enough to talk to]].
*** [[The Blofeld Ploy|Because I killed those who were]]?
**** [[Madness Mantra|Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!]]
***** [[Tempting Fate|Make Me.]]
** Alternatively, I will be [[Genre Blind]] and [[Genre Savvy]] ''at the same time'' to throw off my enemies. For example, I'll allow my [[Load-Bearing Boss|fortress to turn to rubble]] only to evacuate to a bigger, sturdier fortress than won't fall down the next time I'm defeated.
*** Or, I could use all the resources that would have gone to the crumbling fortress and spend them on something useful, like [[Villain with Good Publicity|an orphanage or something]].
* There is no such thing as a fair fight. If I come across my nemesis while he is disarmed, then that is his problem, not mine.
** It is always polite to bow to your opponent. It is also very stupid as it leaves you open for attack. I will exploit this flaw as much as possible.
*** Should I feel the need to bow to my opponent in return, I will bow at the waist to a minimal degree, ensuring that my eyes remain trained upon my opponent. The slightest movement while I am doing so will result in an automatic, preemptive attack on my part.
* I will not underestimate my enemies if they turn out to be [[Little Miss Badass|little girls]], even if [[Cute Bruiser|they act sickeningly cute]] or [[Defeat Means Friendship|just want to be friends]]. Hell, ''especially'' if they [[Powerpuff Girls|act sickeningly cute]] and [[Lyrical Nanoha|just want to be friends]]. Such foes will be treated with the utmost care, from the utmost distance, and with the utmost destructive force, such as with a [[Kill Sat]] while they sleep. You may think that this is overdoing it, but there are few things more damaging to an overlord's public image of fear and terror than getting beaten to a bloody pulp by prepubescent schoolgirls.
** If they ''really'' just want to be friends, I will, with the utmost caution, take them up on their offer. Heroic cute little girls are much less likely to beat their bestest best friend to a bloody pulp than they are the big meanie who tried to [[Kill Sat]] them from orbit. Really, [[Kill Sat]] from orbit against a little girl? [[Infant Immortality|What the hell was I thinking?]]
*** There's also the ''other'' problem. Dead Japanese schoolgirls tend to become obscenely powerful and angry ghosts who ''will'' mess you up.
** This all depends on the setting, obviously. If I find that [[Anime|I have eyes the size of grapefruits and enormous hair]], then the above-listed warnings will be noted. If not, it's time to kill some kids.
*** I thought we already agreed not to [[Moral Event Horizon|cross the Moral Event Horizon]]
*** On the other hand, nothing says evil like dead little kids. I mean, that's a [[Karmic Death]] right there.
**** I will keep in mind that if they are in [[Doomed Hometown|a town]] the [[Kill Sat]] can bypass [[Infant Immortality]] so if they are a threat I will do this with increased range and power, [[Karmic Death]] "what dead kids" not to mention nothing says "FEAR ME" like blatantly and totally overdoing, [[There Is No Kill Like Overkill|and destroying a nation to get rid of a few kids is definitely overdoing it.]]
** All children will be brought into my raising at my special orphanages. If you can't kill them, convert them.
** Screw all that. I will [[BioShock (series)|implant symbiotes in all little girls]] so that they eternally see me as their BESTEST FRIEND!!! ^_^
* I will not [[Evolutionary Levels|mess with evolution]]. It's really not worth the problems, and it never helps.
* [[Machiavelli Was Wrong|Machiavelli was a dumbass.]] [[Villain with Good Publicity|It is better to be]] [[The Power of Love|loved than feared.]]
** [[Iron Man|Is it too much to ask for both?]]
*** Wasn't it God's plan all along?
** I will remember that philosophers such as Machiavelli offered very context-sensitive advice, and will endeavor to study these contexts thoroughly. I will NOT [[Quote Mine]] them for convenience.
* Sir [[Terry Pratchett]] is a wise man. I will study everything I can about [[Discworld|Lord Vetinari]]. It may be better to be loved, or feared, but it is [[Vetinari Job Security|better to be permanent]] than either.
* If I want to kill some character who the hero likes without him trying to avenge his/her/their death, I will do the following: "accidentally" create an evil clone of the sidekick, let the evil clone infiltrate the hero's hideout and let him take the place of the sidekick; when the hero has finally found out who is the sidekick and has offed the clone, I will kill the sidekick and explain it by wanting to kill the evil clone, and voila: a hero without a sidekick and without a grudge. Me: 2, hero: 0.
** As we went over at the clone entry, said evil clone will be under my direct control, it will not be designed to include the original's characteristics.
** Alternatively I will just kill everyone who may be motivated to challenge me by the killing of said person and so on, while this may lead to an extinction of the human race, I can look on the bright side now I can remake the world in my image.
*** Somehow killing the hero and his friends all together never seemed like the option?
* If it should come to pass that the hero is staring me down and he happens to know my evil plan for any reason, and he ever utters the immortal words "you'll never get away with this", I will not use the popular comeback "I already have" unless I am fairly certain that [[You Are Too Late|I actually have]].
** Incidentally, since there is still a living person in the world who knows of my plan, opposes me, and happens to be within weapon range of myself, odds are I haven't actually gotten away with it yet.
*** Thus, my reply should be, "My, you're right. See you next time." Then I will make a [[Villain Exit Stage Left|daring escape from justice]] and return to the [[Evil Overlord List]] to determine where I went wrong.
** Or better yet, I'll just say "never say never" and then kill him.
*** On second thought, I'll kill him and ''then'' say "never say never."
**** On further reconsideration, I'll kill him, have his spirit severed from his body and sent to the next world (to prevent ghost-ification), disintegrate his body into subatomic dust and then launch that on rockets flying in different directions. I will then kill his friends and repeat the procedure, until I am totally sure he has no allies or sympathizers. Then, with the last person killed, I would get a sufficiently crazy and/or effective priest to send their spirit with the message "never say never." It might not work if the universe I am in doesn't have ghosts and/or ghosts don't communicate, but damned if I'm not going to get my one chance for a totally safe one-liner in.
* My throne room will not feature a large hole into which I could fall, be thrown, or be pushed. However, other rooms in my lair will feature [[No OSHA Compliance|walkways above menacing vats]] of what appears to be [[Technicolor Science|bright green acid]], into which I will jump or "accidentally" fall if I need to escape. These will actually contain water with green food coloring. Won't the heroes be surprised when I show up later, in perfect health (but with green skin)? After all, [[No One Could Survive That]]. Suckers.
** Just to be safe, said tanks will always have a fully ready scuba tank and breath mask located a few feet beneath the surface.
** Better yet, instead of water? [[Product Placement|Powerade.]] It comes in bright colors, so I won't have to dye it myself, and chances are after the chase and/or tussle that ended with me falling into a vat in the first place, I could use a nice, cool, refreshing drink that replenishes my energy.
*** Better yet, the vats should be made with my own formula of energy drink - which I have shilled to the public at a fantastic profit!
** Note: The vats will be tested on an hourly basis to confirm that some [[The Chessmaster|clever bastard]] has not gotten [[Batman Gambit|the bright idea]] to actually replace my beverage-escape-plan with actual acid.
*** It would be rather obvious, as real-life acids tent to be transparent, not green, and all strong enough to harm a person are also strong enough to destroy most dyes.
** Additionally, if I should be [[Cloning Blues|dumb enough]] to use cloning (see * 8 above), I will reserve a deceased and acid-destroyed clone of myself to float to the surface of the vats as "proof" of my demise. Fools!
** Better yet, how about I just throw the hero ''into'' the acid?
*** Nah, the whole point of this item is that if the hero can fall into the acid, so can I. And if it's something harmless, it won't harm the hero anyway so why bother? Unless it's made up of his one weakness which I am immune to...
**** No, the point I'm making is that we're on a ledge which one can fall off. That means they can easily thrown off, so why not throw him into some tasty acid?
***** Because if they can be easily thrown off, '''so can I'''.
*** Wasn't this all covered in the original list? "All vats will be covered when not actively in use."
*** We're playing at their expectations to lure them into a false sense of security.
*** Anyone who uses the phrase "false sense of security" will be shot. If he's smart, the hero won't buy it anyway. [[Idiot Hero|If he's not]], there are much more effective ways to kill him.
* When I've read the [[Evil Overlord List]] I will familiarize myself with [[The Universal Genre Savvy Guide|any other similar lists]]. That way I'll know what I'm in for when I actually go up against [[Genre Savvy|competent]] opponents. If I discover any good advice in these lists then I will be sure to steal it so that I can make use of it myself.
** I will remember that [[Dangerously Genre Savvy|very competent]] opponents will [[I Know You Know I Know|likely be doing the same thing in reverse]].
** I will, however, note that not everyone goes into fiction that well and just hope they are [[Genre Blind]] idiots.
* If the magical ritual I am performing requires a [[Virgin Sacrifice]], using the hero's girlfriend is just asking for trouble. To be on the safe side, I'll find a small child.
** Said child will also be an [[Parental Abandonment|orphan]], whom no one cares about. And they will be kidnapped only when absolutely ''everything'' else is ready, to ensure a quick success.
*** If virginity is really that important, I will select a homely child and carefully screen the minions responsible for the abduction so as to eliminate any with a known attraction to the child's gender or age.
** And I will also keep in mind that [[Infant Immortality|it will fail anyway]].
** If I am concerned over my [[Villain with Good Publicity|approval ratings]], want to avoid [[Moral Event Horizon|doing something that'll ensure]] my [[Karmic Death]] or am simply [[Even Evil Has Standards|not evil enough]], then I'll ask for a volunteer and/or find a loophole that will allow a [[Back from the Dead|resurrection]].
** I will always check the bare requirements for a Virgin Sacrifice, if possible I will use a eunuch cult member volunteer from my own cult or similar.
** Since I plan to have orphans, I'll just one of my own.
*** With that said: I shall maintain numerous orphanages under my control. While I will make certain that the businesses themselves cannot be associated with me, I will [[Villain with Good Publicity|publicly donate heaping gobs of money]] to them on a regular basis. This has the added benefit of letting me launder funds and get a tax break in the process. On the rare occasion I need a child I will publicly adopt them, only to have them die in a "tragic accident" shortly before the sacrifice. Another additional benefit: no one wants to kick a parent mourning the recent loss of their child and any hero who does so will look very bad.
**** If I do go the route of sacrificing adopted orphans, I will ensure that not ''all'' of the children I adopt die in "tragic accidents," and that I'm not the only one whose foster children have a tendency to die in such 'unforeseen' accidents. The point here is to cover up that I'm sacrificing children, after all, and if my foster children always die, people are at least going to start wondering why I'm still allowed to adopt. I will also change up my cover stories a bit and have at least ''some'' of them "run away" and turn up dead some time later.
**** **** Better still, I will bear the child myself, utilizing a [[Gender Bender]] ray, having previously prepared to [[Mister Seahorse|inseminate myself]]. Although this might be considered a violation of the [[Cloning Blues|Cloning Ban]], it does provide a tidy shortcut avoiding leaving behind a telltale [[Parental Abandonment|long lost mother]] or [[Papa Wolf|a vengeful father]] to [[Call to Adventure|inspire]] [[The Hero]]'s interference. Mind you, I should employ an impeccable Obstetrician to prevent [[Death by Childbirth]]. Perhaps I should arrange someone to have someone ravish me (using [[But We Used a Condom|protection]], of course) to avoid the likelihood of death during the [[Express Delivery]]. Long story short, make the baby, sacrifice the baby, done and done.
**** Alternatively, forget the orphans. Any deity or demon wanting those would be [[Eviler Than Thou|more evil than me]], and therefore be untrustworthy and/or stiff competition.
**** Also alternatively, if the requirements do not specifically say Human Virgin Sacrifice, I will get either the ugliest animal I can find, or use an animal destined for food. And hold a luau after the ceremony.
**** Screw it. I'll just sacrifice the [[Alpha Bitch]]. Nobody will miss her.
***** "[[Alpha Bitch]]" and "virgin" should never go in the same sentence.
**** No, I'll sacrifice a [[Self-Made Orphan|Self-Made]] [[Evil Orphan]]. ''Guaranteed'' nobody will miss the brat, and it eliminates a potential competitor.
** When I require a virgin sacrifice, I will also set myself up to become a demilich at the same time, and will sacrifice myself (provided I am a virgin) AND become unkillable at the same time. If I am not a virgin, I will perform the lich ritual first, then [[Loophole Abuse|sacrifice my new body]] and rez. My phylactery will also be a nine-hundred pound boulder kept secure in my base, disguised as a random bit of rubble off to the side and out of the way of everything important. It will also be placed on a small rail setup so that it can be moved out of the way- too many heroes will blow it up [[The Legend of Zelda|to find a hidden secret below.]]
* Slavery is mayhem waiting to happen. Slavery does not loyal citizens make. However, if I offer a small wage and basic heath care plus care for the injured and elderly it will not cost much more but will buy loyalty.
** If I ever come to power in a nation that uses slavery, I will first abolish it. Next I will secretly stir up resentment against the former slave population to reduce their employment opportunities. Finally, I will offer the former slaves positions in my military, all the while getting [[Villain with Good Publicity|good publicity]] among other nations who love how I dealt with the horrible slavery problem. This ensures loyalty in the military and a positive place in history even if the heroes take me down.
*** Hang on...
** My slavery will be more like a regular job. The worker slaves will get food, water, respect, and rest. But no breaks. And no vacations. Except holidays. Harem slaves will be given the most elegant (and sexy) clothes and jewels and beautiful rooms to sleep in.
* Never use a prototype unless the real version is ready for mass production. It will only get stolen by the Hero.
** I will also make sure not to [[Super Prototype|cut corners in the mass produced models]] to reduce costs
** Only mass produce objects for the public, and then keep all the stuff that's designed for one person only to be kept out of their hands. I.e. The aforementioned mecha.
* All cells with windows will not be furnished with [[Bedsheet Ladder|bedsheets]]. Instead, captives will be given sleeping bags. Good luck tying ''those'' together.
** Alternatively no cells will be furnished with windows. There are [[Flight|other]] [[Wall Crawl|ways]] to use a window.
** Better yet, I'll cut out the middle man and [[Just Shoot Him|execute him on the spot]].
** If I do need them alive, they will be imprisoned in a room in the center of my guards' quarters. Said room will have walls of sturdy metal grille rather than vision-blocking cement, stone or cinder block, so that nothing the prisoner does will be unseen. The best modern surveillance equipment will also surround said cell. The prisoner will be kept sedated, and bound.
** I will look into a island or space prison.
* No matter what its detrimental effects may be on my war machine, I will be eco-friendly. [[Omnicidal Maniac|Killing the planet]] never ends well. I may awaken ancient nature spirits who give the hero power, or set all the animals in the forest after my blood, or simply [[Gaia's Vengeance|have Mother Earth all up in my grille faster than you can say "gas-guzzling SUV"]], and no-one wants that. Instead, not only will I be environmentally friendly, I will actively seek out and befriend said nature spirits and animals, and send them after the hero.
** In fact I will cultivate rumors that specific actions designed to antagonize said spirits will weaken me, or otherwise interfere with my plans. This will prevent the spirits from giving [[The Hero]] power, and may turn them towards me to stop him.
* If I discover a species of [[Proud Warrior Race Guy]]s threatened by extinction, I will not wipe out what's left of them in order to gain access to their technology and weapons. This would just prompt a [[Last of His Kind|lone survivor]] to swear [[Roaring Rampage of Revenge|vengeance against me]]. Instead, I will help them unconditionally in the hopes that they will swear undying loyalty to me. If they repay this calculated kindness by proclaiming me a weakling and declaring war on me, then I will show them that I [[The Worf Effect|am stronger]] and [[Eviler Than Thou|more ruthless]] than they are. If they still refuse to follow me then I'll subjugate them with force or wipe them out. At this point it's okay to do so, because they've proven to be [[Exclusively Evil]], and [[What Measure Is a Non-Human?|no one ever really cares about those]].
** I'll offer them the ability to clone their race to rebuild their kind. That'll bring loyalty.
* If I am [[Nigh Invulnerability|immune to the hero's attacks]], I will make sure that I am also immune to my own. If I cannot ensure this, I will avoid using any attack that could possibly be [[Playing Tennis With the Boss|redirected to hit me]].
** This is another reason to NOT have big mirrors, as well as the whole vanity thing.
* As 116 above demonstrates, any extremely competent [[Evil Overlord]] is indistinguishable from an extremely competent [[Benevolent Ruler]]. This also applies in reverse.
* I will never, I repeat ''NEVER'', use an online list of [[Evil Overlord List|"Evil Overlord Rules"]], "Advice for Villains" or any other such variation. A geeky [[Badass Normal]] will read it, realise that I'm using it and promptly inform the hero, allowing them to either know my plans in advance, or even worse consult a similar "Vows for Heroes" list and ensure I'm destroyed rather than severely weakened or [[Sealed Evil in a Can|sealed away]].
** Wait, then why am I reading this and contributing to it? This is online, isn't it?
** Forget that. A [[Genre Savvy|Genre Savviness]] arms race could be dangerous, but being [[Genre Blind]] when my opponents aren't would be deadly. Instead, I will study any such list I come across (plus all "Vows for Heroes" lists) and if my enemies study the same lists, all the better for me. If that happens, [[I Know You Know I Know|I'll be able to predict their responses and confound them by doing something they'd never expect]]. [[Batman Gambit|Or doing exactly what they'd expect]].
*** I will also [[Mind Screw|randomly switch between these, so as to further confuse my adversary]].
*** And I will keep in mind that use of said publicly available list of advice leaves all manner of possibility for the use of [[Xanatos Gambit]]s relating to whichever trope I'm actually using. However, I will also be aware of the possibility of a [[Gambit Pileup]] resulting from this.
** Even if my enemies know everything that I do, I'll still come out on top because of [[Evil Is Cool|one simple reason]].
**** The decision stands. I will post this argument in the towns and watch the hero go mad.
***** Actually, I'll silently buy all the Hero Vows websites and edit some small but criticial mistakes in there.
* When I read Evil Overlord lists online, I will remember that not every piece of advice is a good one. Circumstance Savviness is even more important than Genre Savviness.
* Defensive systems can be fail-dead (like explode if defeated). Defensive systems MUST be fail-safe (at least for me: local explosion only and only when I'm sufficiently far away).
* If a trained monkey can do it, I will let said trained monkey do it so that my minions can do something more important.
** I will make darn sure not to overestimate the strength, reliability, skill, or competency of a monkey. Training human minions is probably more efficient than training comparatively short-lived and unreliable primates, so monkey use is likely to be limited.
** But remember, [[Everything's Better with Monkeys]]!
* I will assume that all of my enemies are [[I Am Not Left-Handed|not left handed]], and plan accordingly.
** I will not rule out the possibility that some of them ''are'' left-handed after all. Holding back when someone else isn't? That's just ''asking'' for trouble.
** I will train myself to use my left hand as far as practicable, in case I am unable to use my right hand for some reason. However, I will not pretend to be left-handed in any potentially dangerous situation.
** However, a sniper rifle creates a great sense of range, and hands are nothing when a bullet is in the hero's head.
* I will find out where Dr. Doom orders his [[Doomy Dooms of Doom|Doombots]] and stock up. You never know when you'll need a [[Mecha-Mooks|robot stand-in]] to take a missile or ten.
** I will modify said Doombots so they are loyal to ''me'', rather than their previous owner. Unless it voids the warranty or something.
** If I cannot modify them thusly, I will return them for a refund.
** If I own the store that sells them, I will only allow returns for store credit.
*** Wow. [[Even Evil Has Standards|I really AM evil.]]
** In fact, I'll find out about this flaw ''before'' purchasing and thus avoid having funds tied up in a useless venture. I will instead use the money to have fanatically loyal followers [[Magic Plastic Surgery|surgically altered]] to resemble me.
** I will avoid purchasing technology from Doctor Doom, as he ''always'' puts an override that he alone can access into ''everything'' he makes—or holds for more than five minutes. I will avoid taking his advice on what to purchase, either, simply because his devices are inevitably destroyed or captured by the heroes.
*** Remembering I have an advanced team of gizmo-working mooks, they can outdo Doom's tricks.
* If I find out about an evil being with power greater than my own, I will ''not'' attempt to take its power for myself. I will instead make sure the heroes find out about it, and I will do anything I can to help the heroes defeat my rival, short of actually joining the party. Then, when the heroes have defeated this being, the moment I can be sure the coast is clear, I will kill the heroes before they have a chance to recover, in the quickest manner possible. Once that's taken care of, if it is still possible to absorb the super being's power, and if I can be sure it won't [[Grand Theft Me|take over my body]], kill me, or [[This Is Your Brain on Evil|drive me any more insane]], I will do so.
** Because I can never be too sure, I will first make my most incompetent minion absorb the super being's power. If it doesn't take over his body, kill him, or drive him any more insane, then I'll kill the minion and take the power for myself. If it does, I'll just kill the minion.
** But first I will make sure that any minion who gets said power is, first and foremost, fanatically LOYAL to me personally, to the point of being cheerfully willing to die for me. Even then I will take no chances and have a small explosive discreetly implanted in their brain during a "routine" medical procedure, after first making sure that the power in question will not in any way interfere with the activation mechanism.
** If something is stronger than me, I will just ignore and it will go away.
** If I feel that I must pursue this evil being with power greater than my own, I will do everything necessary [[Evil Overlord List|(within reason)]] to allow me to obtain it, and THEN I WILL STOP pursuing the (more) evil power. By that point, I should have far more power than necessary to deal with whatever little, [[Puny Earthlings|puny obstacles]] are opposing me.
* The front door of my fortress (or any other building I need guarded) will have ''three'' guards—one standing on each side, and one hiding within visible range whose sole job is to send out an alert if anything happens to the first two (or if they even just have to leave the post for something). Resources permitting, all doors worth guarding will have three guards.
** Additionally, ten guards will be appointed to the largest, most important-looking door in my fortress. That door will lead to the incinerator.
*** And I will have one new recruit guarding a shoddy, rusting door. That door will be the hallway leading to my office/throne room. The hallway will be guarded by my best troops and monsters, who know how to operate as a group, and will mob any hero that comes in.
* I will get one of my most loyal followers to disguise as an oracle of some sort and create (or modify, if need be) a [[No Man of Woman Born|prophecy regarding my downfall]]. Not only will it be a completely useless way to approach me, I'll know what the good guys will be attempting and can thus plan accordingly.
** However, I will first make sure that fake prophecies are not subject to [[Your Mind Makes It Real]], [[Clap Your Hands If You Believe]], [[Theory of Narrative Causality]], or any other effect that would give them the force of real prophecies.
** If I'm faking prophecies, I'll make one about an artifact that is my only weakness and can only be taken by the worthy. The artifact will actually be created by me, and its only power will be to kill anyone who touches it. The hero will automatically assume they are worthy and get vaporized. I will also make the artifact not work on me, or at least make it immovable, to avoid a [[Karmic Death]] from any hero who catches on.
*** In a similar vein, if my political power depends at least partially on my own mystical power, I shall create an artifact, and a fake prophecy that it grants powers that match my own. This artifact shall be the symbol of my political power. My lieutenants and personal guards shall know that there are several duplicates, which have no power except to inform me of their whereabouts in case they are stolen. I alone shall know that there is no real artifact. That way, anyone seeking to overthrow me will try to steal this artifact. I will then inform my lieutenants that one of the duplicates has been stolen, and I will eliminate the culprit with my own power.
* I will hire an advisor whose sole job will be to criticize my plans and point out their flaws. I will listen to him.
** If said advisor claims that my plan is flawless, I will execute him, solely so that the person who gets the job after him can be forced to watch the execution, eyelids held open with duct tape.
** If I, on a whim, decide to execute my plan anyway, and it really ''is'' flawless, then I'll [[Back from the Dead|resurrect him]], apologize, and [[Laser-Guided Amnesia|erase everyone's memory of the whole incident]].
** I will ''always'' include one very obvious flaw in plans I make myself. Should the advisor not catch it, even if he is useful in finding out not-so-obvious flaws in my grand plan, he is to be executed on the spot, as one has to look at the big picture, not just small details that might slip through the cracks. The flaw should be easy to catch and occasionally very hard to catch every few times a specific advisor is used, so that I can accurately gauge their effectiveness in finding them.
** Wasn't this already covered in the original list?
*** Very good, advisor. You get to live.
** Instead of hiring a single advisor, I will hire a team of advisors, each with a different area of expertise, with minor abilities in an area covered by another advisor. Should a flaw I notice never be brought up, I will fire the advisor with that area of expertise, and hire a new one. As stated above, executions do nothing to improve morale and job applications.
*** And they won't just join up with the hero when you fire them why...?
**** Because by then, a new plan will have been drafted and sent through the advisory process. Therefore, any "tactics" and "information" they bring to the hero will be null. And even then, the advisors are fitted with a small explosive inside their chest cavity that is just powerful enough to destroy the heart, but not so much as to destroy anything else. Of course, the detonators will be on my person and only my person at all times. That way, if they do get any smart ideas, the heroes will initially think he died of a heart attack, or some other ailment, and won't be related back to me until they perform an autopsy, IF they perform one. I'm supposed to be [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]], so why not make damn sure that you can kill your advisors without it being known that you killed them.
* I will make my [[Doomsday Device]] look like [[Happy Fun Ball|a stuffed animal]]. Not only will nobody try to stop me from holding my stuffed bear, but should I be stopped it will be given to a hero's child, who will then hug it and cause [[The End of the World as We Know It]].
* Before [[Villain Team-Up|teaming up with a fellow villain to defeat our common enemy]], I will first perform a background check. If said villain's ends are [[Even Evil Has Standards|morally repugnant]], or his means are [[Villain Ball|idiotic]], then I'll just sic the good guys on him.
** Screw that. I'll just let him kill the heroes by himself, then kill him and [[Fake Ultimate Hero|claim the credit]].
** ...Or I'll just let him take the credit anyway, so when people come to avenge the heroes, they'll thank me rather than killing me.
* If I must [[Strange Bedfellows|team up with the heroes to defeat a greater threat]], I won't attempt to backstab them during the battle. Instead, I will [[Heel Face Mole|fake a change of heart]] and earn the trust of the good guys, in order to [[The Mole|discover their secret weaknesses and destroy them from within]].
* I will keep a pet dog, not a [[Right-Hand-Cat|cat]]. Dogs are [[Pet the Dog|better for PR]], more affectionate, and more easily trained to attack.
** I may also invest in becoming a falconer; birds are much harder to hit, can be used for scouting missions, and are decent in causing my enemies grief in battle.
** In no way, though, will I have an exotic animal (of any kind) or [[Biological Mashup]] as a pet; although incredibly deadly and appropriately awe-inspiring, they are still wild animals, and thus, unable to be fully trained and [[The Dog Bites Back|trusted not to eat me at the first chance they get]].
** With any pet I choose to get, I will not abuse it or cosset it too extravagantly, and I will take it through a thorough obedience course.
** Maybe I should look into getting [[Right-Hand-Cat|a cat]] after all. Possibly several. Not only will they kill the vermin and present me with the tiny corpses, but kitty cat cuteness wil help relieve stress among [[Mooks]].
*** Not only will they relieve stress among the mooks, but among intruders. Having free roam around the base, they can easily [[Cuteness Proximity|distract them]], and they might pause when they see the mook they were about to snipe [[Pet the Dog|bend down and pet the cat]] - of course, becoming ''consumed'' by playing with the cats will only be tolerated when off duty.
** Wait, that damn [[Friend to All Living Things]] will still have an out. Okay, along with the cats, I'll get a pit bull. Solves the cat problem, and a pit bull is nobody's friend. I will keep him chained, but well-fed. I know he won't be my friend, but I don't want him killing me first.
** Alternatively, my cats will be [[Affably Evil]], and rub up against my captive's legs purring but not be the least bit helpful. In other words, my cats will act like cats, and certainly they'd be less of a threat should the [[Friend to All Living Things]] turn them against me than a pit bull.
** As a third option, perhaps I should consider small, nonvenomous snakes. Good for evil cred, actually kinda cute, far less likely to hold a grudge than a pit bull, and the average [[Friend to All Living Things]] won't touch 'em.
*** However, I will still look into having a pet cat or dog, just in case that crafty hero's pet is a mongoose.
** An Orangutan could be a worthwhile investment- I can train it to use sign language and how to perform simple tasks, making it useful for surveillance, any mooks that feed it a banana will appear more sympathetic and therefore are less likely to be killed by the hero, it has a lot more strength, reach and dexterity than any human heroes, so it can be trained to attack them, and if they do kill it, I can accuse them of [[Hero with Bad Publicity|murdering an endangered species]]. A chimpanzee would also function for most of these purposes, although slightly less well.
** With so many things that can go wrong, better to avoid pets entirely. Mooks will respond better to cash bonuses than kitties anyway.
* I will do the whole "'''[[This Cannot Be!]]!'''" after the heroes have defeated my ''penultimate'' boss form. That way, when I [[One-Winged Angel|sprout a wing]] or [[Bishonen Line|grow really long hair]], they will be completely unprepared for my next attack.
** Adding a "Psyche!" before I crush the throat of the nearest good guy is optional.
** Or...maybe it would be best to just cut my losses and quietly sneak away while they think they've killed me. Beating my first and second forms shows they are pretty good at fighting, and while getting First Strike or even causing a [[Heroic Sacrifice]] is nice, I'll heal up and then slam them at the beginning of the sequel after they've [[Bag of Spilling|given up all their levels and powerups]].
** Alternately, if the hero manages to get into my castle, I will sneak out the back way, and have a robotic double confront the hero. While they're fighting, I'll seal the room and pump it full of poison gas.
** Even better, I'll say that words at the defeat of any and all of my forms. That way, I can whittle them down as they relax and leave themselves open.
*** I'm not going to say that at EVERY form, but only at a couple. Saying it with all my forms will just cause them to expect a new form and never let their guards down.
** Unless said hero has the ability to sense that they didn't finish me off, then, I'll just flee before I waste myself on them, and either drop a cage and release poison gas, or drop a cage and bring in minions in all directions to fire at will (PROVIDED THEY AIM FOR THE FEET! This way, there are no accidental deaths on account of stupidity. Also this will drop the hero so they can aim for the face.)
** If a minion is stupid enough to aim straight ahead of him, he will be killed on the spot to avoid a mass murder-suicide chain. Then, they will be ordered to leave, and thousands of large bladed weapons will be dropped with enough speed and/or mass to pierce into the cage and kill the hero.
** I will arrange my minions in a sensible chevron position to avoid having ''any'' of them in each others' line of fire. Thus avoiding [[Hollywood Tactics]] alltogether. And they will be trained marksmen.
** On second thought, if I decide to kill my opponents by gassing them I will not use poison. Poison is always detectable. I will simply flood the room with nitrogen. The heroes will simply become tired, fall asleep and die. Yes, this means they won't writhe in agony, but on the plus side they also won't notice that they're dying and therefore fight harder or take steps to prevent it.
* If the heroes have the ability to "[[Save Point|save]]" their progress at specific points, I will assign a special force to find these points and destroy them.
** Alternatively, I'll use these points to save ''my'' progress repeatedly. Won't the heroes be surprised when I predict all of their moves? I'll also be prepared for this to take a ''long time'' but for some reason, most heroes have the attention spans of teenagers.
** I will also identify the design of these "save" points, and have my crack team of engineers rig up [[Chest Monster|a version that explodes or attacks the heroes.]] Sure, [[I Wanna Be the Guy|The Guy]] did it <s>[[Older Than They Think|first]]</s> [[Chrono Trigger|second]], but it's a sound strategy, and the heroes will ''never'' be expecting it.
* I will drive a car of the [[Everybody Owns a Ford|same make]] as the heroes. I will avoid traveling in any vehicle between two and thirty years old. In fact, I'll just consult with major Hollywood stuntmen about which type of car they LEAST like to work with, and get one of those.
** On second thoughts, maybe I'll spare 5 minutes to ask ''why'' said stuntmen dislike said type of car. The answer might be important.
* I will remember that [[Ominous Latin Chanting]] is never obsolete, no matter the setting or era.
** I will under absolutely no circumstances ever dance to [[Ominous Latin Chanting]]. [[Ominous Latin Chanting]] is exclusively for killing things to. Killing things and [[Mundane Made Awesome|paperwork]].
*** [[Incredibly Lame Pun|Ominous Latin Dancing]]?
** If I feel the need to dance, there's nothing better than [[Soundtrack Dissonance|Jimmy Rushing]].
** If the resident [[Mad Artist]] also composes music when he's not busy splattering entrails across a canvas, then I'll ask him to create [[Leitmotif|something original designed especially for me]].
** If I dislike what he composes, I'll either learn to live with it or shoot him immediately.
** If it's [[Dead Horse Music Genre|Disco]], then I'll figure out something worse than shooting. I will figure it out ''quickly'', mind you.
*** And if it's country, I will waste no time torturing him by making him listen to his own song for however long I decide.
* Instead of [[You Have Outlived Your Usefulness|killing minions when they're so successful I don't have anything left for them to do]], I will either give them some vacation time or come up with some busy work for them, and call on them again later. After all, I know these guys can get results, so why not keep 'em around a bit?
* If my [[The Dragon|Second-in-Command]] asks me: "Why don't you just kill ''[[Ax Crazy|everything]]''?" then it's probably a good idea to start searching for a new [[The Dragon|Second-in-Command]].
** Unless I think that sounds like [[Omnicidal Maniac|a good idea]].
** In the event that it does sound like a good idea, I'll make sure that my [[The Dragon|Second-in-Command]] is the first one I kill.
* Not only will I not build [[Air Vent Passageway|man-sized ventilation shafts]], I will not build any ledges, back corridors, ladders, or anything else that serves no obvious structural, artistic, or architectural purpose, and seems solely to exist to give the heroes an (alternate) path.
** There will be an alternate route for the heroes, made of ledges over open vats of acid. These will be monitored via both cameras and motion/pressure sensors at all times, and designed to collapse if anybody gets to the middle.
*** This path will not lead to my lair, and will in fact not even be located near my real lair.
** Relatedly, if entry to my Evil Lair can only be done by defeating my nine lieutenants and getting their shiny objects, who each have a dungeon of their own, then I will make sure that the one item required to defeat said lieutenants is not in their own dungeons. Also, the key to the indestructible door leading to my Inner Sanctum will be kept on my person at all times.
** In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Double Jump. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. Think about it.
** Better yet, to insure against [[Sequence Breaking]] - In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Double Jump.
** Best yet, I will take possession of the Grappling Hook and Double Jump, thus powering up ''myself'' rather than the hero. If I cannot do so, I will destroy them. Heroes are resourceful buggers and will find a way to get every powerup possible—the only solution is to not leave them any to get.
*** Why use such an entry method at all? If getting into a lair requires such methods, I will ''find another lair''.
** Back to the vents. If I really do need wide ventilation shafts for some reason, they will be kept superheated, and full of spikes, various [[Death Trap]]s, and lava guns. Also, all exit points from the vent will be located just above the pit full of dinosaurs.
*** On second thought superheating the ''ventilation'' ducts ''might'' interfere with the airconditioning. Oh and the ventilation.
** All of the dinosaurs will have their histories checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that your dinosaurs [[Gladiator Games|refuse to eat the hero]] because [[Androcles' Lion|he once removed a thorn from their foot]]. Except maybe finding out that the cool spiky ones [[Somewhere a Palaeontologist Is Crying|are actually herbivores]].
*** Though [[Did Not Do the Research|many herbivores can be violently agressive]].
** I will also build all the vents out of an extremely conductive metal, and constantly run extremely high voltage through them. They will be insulated from the outside, and if maintenance is required, those doing the work must first submit a request to the control center to temporarily disable the current while the work is being done. Anyone who doesn't do so is [[Too Dumb to Live]].
*** Actually, I will not electrify my ventilation system, due to the fact that this would just create massive amounts of ozone, which, while a potential hero-killer, would have a far greater problem than smaller ducts.
** In fact, I will spend effort constructing an elaborate evil lair full of death traps, then conduct all my evil business in my mom's basement 27 miles away. A kindly old lady will be a better hero deterrent than anything else.
* I shall create fake building plans showing large fake airvents going into all my important structures. Every fake airvent path will eventually require the hero to drop straight down to another level of the vents. I will use a hologram to cover the fact that once someone drops to that level it narrows significantly. The hologram will also detect that it's been breached, close the lid back up and flood that section with regular anasthetic/deathgas/whatever. My real airvents will be small and built into the walls.
* I will read the [[Fake Difficulty]] and [[Unwinnable]] sections carefully and implement '''everything'''.
** Except for the [[Escort Mission]]. After all, [[Even Evil Has Standards]]. But if I do add it, I'll make sure the hero isn't escorting anyone who'll actually be of any use to him later on.
** Or he'll escort a [[Voluntary Shapeshifting|shapeshifting]] minion. Or the the hostage has a tracker implanted into their body. Or better yet: a bomb.
** No, that's been tried and it never works. I'll just make him escort a very beautiful woman who has no interest in being an adventurer. Either she'll cause friction with the [[Love Interest]] and blunt [[The Power of Love]] a bit, or she'll ''become'' the [[Love Interest]] and start nagging the Hero to get a safer job. Either way, I win.
*** Better still, once [[Battle Couple|the two]] arrive at my [[The War Room|Inner Sanctum]], said Sanctum will be decorated as a very tasteful, but lavish [[Wedding Day|wedding chapel]]. By immediately skipping over the [[Final Battle]] and [[Alter The Speed|moving directly]] to the [[Cleaning Up Romantic Loose Ends]] segment of [[Theory of Narrative Causality|the story]], [[The Hero]] will immediately be disarmed by the fulfillment of his [[Love Interest]]'s affections! I, of course, will preside over the ceremony.
*** Note that the above [[Always Male|only works]] if [[The Hero]] is male. If otherwise, swap "wedding chapel" with [[Amazingly Embarrassing Parents|"Banquet With Her Parents"]]. Ensure that [[The Hero]]'s [[Overprotective Dad]] and [[Evil Matriarch]] are present. Bonus points if you can get the [[Love Interest]] to notice [[The Hero]]'s [[Hot Shounen Mom]]. GENIUS! [[Evil Laugh|BWAHAHAHA!!!]]
** Even better, if the Hero has a [[Hot Shounen Mom]], and his father is dead, I will hook up with his mother. If he's really a hero he'll obey his stepfather.
*** That doesn't even take an [[Anti-Hero]] to make that false. Unless I'm living in a comedy, that plan will not work. On that thought, I will study my universe to see if obnoxious laughter happens if something barely funny happens. If it does, I'm probably living in a sitcom, and could get away with that plan.
* Even if it grants me great power and freedom, I will ''not'' [[Digitized Hacker|build or use a device that can digitize my brain and let me loose in cyberspace/transfer me to a robot]].
** If I am forced into a position where such a thing becomes necessary, I will ensure that I first take a Masters course in robotics and computer programming, as well as full A+ and C++ certification; being a digital god means nothing if you don't have the proper firewalls, anti-viral programs and encryptions, after all.
** I will also make a backup copy if possible. I will also take many steps to make sure that the backup only exists on a locked network, and will not be transferred out of it unless the original is deleted. I don't want a [[Cloning Blues|digital clone]] trying to kill me or anything.
*** Alternatively, if I am ''certain'' that the copies will behave exactly as I would, I will make ''many'' of them, knowing that I am the only person they can be trusted not to betray. Also, [[Yaoi Fangirl]]s (or [[Yuri Fanboy]]s, as appropriate) will ensure that [[Screw Yourself|at least two of me]] have [[Contractual Immortality]].
*** Wait scrap that, if I am ''certain'' they'll behave exactly as myself I will only ever have one or two clones of myself at max. I will still have the [[Contractual Immortality]] from the [[Yaoi Fangirl]]s (or [[Yuri Fanboy]]s, as appropriate), I know myself well enough to know that with even only one or two clones I'll betray myself at an unexpected moment.
*** No, no, no! No clones! Full stop. [[Back To The Drawing Board]].
* If and when I finally become lord of my desired domain, and I wish to expand my empire, I will ''not'' randomly pick out a country and attack it blindly; instead, I will study each of my options carefully, learning everything about them as I can, then pick out the ones that would most benefit me in its subjugation and open up diplomatic and trade negotiations with them. Once I have used those negotiations to undermine their economy and political standing, and make them dependent on my exports to live, I will quietly annex them into the empire.
** This will be easier to do if said exports involve mostly Wal-Marts and Starbucks.
** I will also keep in mind the power of propaganda, and have the state-run media smear my intended target for as long as it takes until the people are ''begging'' me to conquer them.
* I will invest in natural, renewable resources to power my evil factories and machines. Smoke-billowing industrial wastelands may be thematically appropriate, but even I'm not immune to the health hazards their pollution causes, and it's far easier to just build another set of solar batteries or wind generators than to find another source of plutonium or coal.
** Obviously, this does not apply if my armies and I [[The Undead|aren't alive anymore]]. Then I can cover the entire planet in a cloud of smoke and ashes, killing all life on the surface, without being affected myself. And if I need more living for [[Virgin Sacrifice]]s, [[Life Energy|food]] or just to bolster the ranks of my army of the dead, then there are [[All Planets Are Earthlike|always other]] [[Planet Looters|sources of life]].
** In that case, I'll set up several "meat farms" to regulate the fleshies we'll need for those purposes; no telling what kind of techniques other societies outside my circle have to take out the undead.
** That said, I will make sure the farms limit the number of meat-bags alive at any given time, are properly supervised, and are divided into small groups (in as much as possible). This is just asking for a noble hero to rise up and start a rebellion among the oppressed. Perhaps I'll just develop some kind of cloning/rapid maturation process instead. No rule says that a human in a vegetative state can't be sacrificed.
** Similarly, I will ''not'' build any machine that is [[Unobtainium|fueled by an incredibly rare or one-of-a-kind material or artifact]]; it took me years to get what I have, now, and I won't squander it away on some easily-stopped [[Doomsday Device]].
** Unless I already have it on-hand and don't have anything better to do with it.
** And even then, I'll first make sure that I can't modify it to accept an alternate power source, or for a use that wouldn't be of as much interest to the heroes.
** Hell, if I ''do'' end up coming across any [[Unobtainium]], instead of immediately building a machine that uses it as a power source, I'll first thoroughly study it to see if I can't synthesize it. If it turns out I cannot, I'll destroy the Unobtainium immediately to keep it from being used against me.
** Or I'll use it to create a bomb. Because if I'm going to destroy it anyway, why not get some use out of it as well?
** Said bomb will be rigged with as many ways as possible to ensure that it detonates. We're talking about a missile that has twelve remotes and eight timers in case it fails to detonate on impact. Try defusing and reverse-engineering ''that'', wise guy.
*** If, in this case, I am required to have a turn-off method in the rare case that the thing is activated ''within'' my inner sanctum/fortress/other vulnerable area but unlaunched, it should consist of ten keys, with copies sent to various subordinates, such as lieutenants, with at least two keys in secured locations only I can access, with no other copies of them. These two in particular should contain self-detonation devices implanted in the teeth of the keys, triggered through both the presence of oxygen (or the local abundant gas) and a detonator in my possession, with its own kill-switch in the case it is removed from my possession. Voice commands are optional, but I shall use variations of my normal voice, unused in any other case - 'tis folly to be unable to defuse my own bomb because my lieutenant got himself killed, or the heroes have somebody who can imitate my voice.
*** In the same vein, all my ramparts of my primary fortress should be equipped with Aegis missile launchers or equivalent to take down the missile in the rare case the heroes circumvent its protections and send it at my fortress.
* I will hire a team of crack [[CSI|forensic scientists]] and crime scene cleanup personnel to advise me on how to cover my tracks and plant convincingly fake evidence implicating someone else of my latest evil scheme.
** If I "own" the police, I will also make sure I "own" their forensic scientists and cleanup crew, not only for the above, but also to ensure the properly wrong people are prosecuted for my misdeeds.
** And I'm gonna make ''damn sure'' I own the fire department, and possibly poison control as well.
* As part of my effort to stay an Equal Opportunity Evil Overlord, I will ''not'' [[Everyone Has Standards|be repulsed by or deny admittance into my squad for the unusual quirks or beliefs of potential henchmen/allies, no matter how socially/morally disturbing]]. However, unless they would prove useful in my latest scheme, I must insist that they practice said quirks/beliefs during their own free time and not on duty, and to be respectful of those of everyone else under my thrall. After all, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone I don't ''want'' hurt, I see no reason why my cannibalistic, necrophiliac [[Satan]]-worshiping underling can't brush up on his rituals of the flesh in his quarters, and it would be hypocritical and unbecoming of me to refuse him that privilege while I'm ensuring [[Fluffy the Terrible]] has his daily meal of fresh peasants.
** However, I will maintain plausible deniability at all times, both for me and my lieutenants, and begin training a replacement if it looks like a meddling hero will soon come to "remove" him from my service. I may even punish him first if I am looking to gain the hero's good graces for later.
** Also, such people make perfect scapegoats, when they are in charge of some task too unpopular to be considered as something their master or even valuable lieutenants would do with their own hands. It's not too hard to suggest that it was an abuse of power [[Complete Monster]] was offed for, as opposed to execution of orders too eagerly. And most people will believe - save those who are allowed to think their intrigues did the trick. After all, [[Josef Stalin|it's almost tradition]].
** Alternatively, if I really do have [[Even Evil Has Standards|standards]] then this is what I tell them in order to gather all the scum in one place. And if I can't think of [[Blood Sport|anything]] [[Human Resources|to]] [[Mad Scientist|do]] [[Mad Artist|with]] a whole bunch of people that [[Acceptable Targets|no one will actually miss]], then I need to learn how to do my job better.
* If I come into an incredible source of power or technology that can be internalized, I will not use it immediately to transform myself [[A God Am I|into a god]]. Instead, I will take it back to my lab and have it analyzed thoroughly for any [[This Is Your Brain on Evil|potential harmful side effects that could jeopardize my sanity, health, or standing]], then find countermeasures to them, if any. If it turns out I cannot counteract the negative side effects, or there are too many to counteract, I will destroy it immediately. Under no circumstance shall I leave it for my enemies to find; even if it takes out one or all of them with its corrupting influence, chances are they'll be able to [[Dangerous Forbidden Technique|use it to take me out, first]].
** These things make great presents for a trustworthy-but-inept mook, though.
** No. Not even then. When [[With Great Power Comes Great Insanity]], all bets are off.
** Yes, then. I will just put a bomb in the mook's head beforehand. If he shows any ill effects, I will detonate the bomb while the ascension is still in its early, vulnerable stages. Should that fail, I will just go running to the Hero and [[Enemy Mine|make him clean up my problem]].
*** [[Seen It a Million Times]]. The power upgrade ''always'' allows said Mook-That-Was to neutralize the [[Restraining Bolt|headbomb]]. ''Always''.
* I will ''not'' be a [[Slave to PR]]; how I will act and appear before the public eye will be based solely on how such action would be the most beneficial to my plans at the time. Not only will this leave me open to myriad more options to achieve my goals than usual, it'll also confuse the hell out of my PR-shackled enemies and rivals, preventing them from predicting my next course of action and rallying a revolt against me among the (most likely equally confuddled) masses.
** I will still include the benefits of being a [[Villain with Good Publicity]] into any cost-benefit calculations I make, though.
** I'll also keep in mind that my enemies and rivals will still most likely be bound by PR, and will use that to my advantage whenever possible, unless such exploitation will disrupt my schemes or undermine any PR benefits I might get.
** I will, however, keep in mind that the average [[Anti-Hero]] doesn't care about PR.
* Any giant robot I send after the heroes will have a [[For Massive Damage|giant red eye]] on the part of its body furthest from any kind of critical system.
** Alternatively, the robot and anything else I want to look ominous wil be ''[[Body Motifs|covered]]'' in [[Glowing Eyes of Doom]], with [[Eye Beams]] optional. Said eyes will [[Mismatched Eyes|be a mix of colors.]] That oughta be good for a [[Mind Screw]] or two.
** I will also equip the robot with an internal bomb rigged to go off if any critical system stops functioning. I will keep the prototypes and unused robots in armored containers in a special facility far from the base just in case a bomb malfunctions.
* If I have a system of teleporters between my evil lairs, they will have surveillance systems. If someone unauthorised steps in them, they'll get a nice one way ticket to the surface of the sun.
** Naturally, the surveillance systems will be immune to hacking, so it is never ''me'' that is sent to the sun.
*** On second thought, I will have it teleport the intruder into the Dungeon. That way, if [[The Hero]] DOES hack it, I won't die a painful death, my loyal mooks will get me out of there and reboot the entire surveillance system. [[Mook Face Turn|If they don't]], I'll free myself using the cell key that I carry with me at all time and have them executed.
* I will never try to steal the power of a god.
** I might reconsider if I am in a [[Dungeons & Dragons|setting]] where something like that might actually work.
** Leasing, renting or bartering for the power of a God, on the other hand, are all viable options, assuming I can find a trustworthy God amenable to the idea.
** I will remember than any God amenable to the idea of giving ''me'' power is probably about as far away from trustworthy as you can get. I will instead devote my resources to figuring out how to [[A God Am I|ascend on my own merits]].
* I will never possess someone, especially not the hero's best friend. It always ends poorly.
** If I lose my body and have to possess somebody, I will go to somebody who doesn't have [[True Companions|friends]] who will [[Not Himself|notice something odd]] and [["I Know You're in There Somewhere" Fight|help him kick me out.]]
** If I'm picking who to possess, someone who's already evil is a good choice.
** But I'll make sure he's not [[Eviler Than Thou|Eviler Than Me]].
** If I am the victim of a [[Body Swap]], I will make sure to take a calm look around [[The Hero]]'s base, make notes, and quietly email them to [[The Dragon]]. I will then ingest a slow-acting poison, do something [[Idiot Ball|stupidly villainous]] to [[Batman Gambit|tip my hand]], and wait for the [[Five-Man Band]] to figure out a way to get us [[Reset Button|swapped back]]. First off, of course, I will totally bang his [[Love Interest]] and screw up all that [[UST]] and potential for [[The Power of Love]] (or even [[Virgin Power]]) to save the day. [[Who's Your Daddy?|See you on Maury]], sucker!
* If I have the hero cornered, I will not hesitate to [[Just Between You and Me|tell him or her the exact and complete details of my evil plan]], up to and including pointing to a door behind which the most important and delicate part of my plan lies. Let's face it; with today's spy technology, computer hackers, and sneaky heroes, it's almost certain that they're going to be aware of the general gist of the situation. I will, however, neglect to tell them that the most important and delicate part of my plan includes the team of heroes vaporizing themselves when they try to turn off or destroy my <s>oversized lava lamp</s> "force field generator".
* All ceremonies celebrating my [[A God Am I|ascent to godhood]], marriage to the brainwashed princess, or assumption of a powerful magical artifact will take place ''after'' I've actually done so. Preferably by several months.
* If my plans keep failing beyond my tolerance, I will cheat. Who says only the heroes can [[Game Shark]] and [[God Modders|Godmode]] their way past annoying obstacles?
** If cheating is impossible, I will quit, [[Heel Face Turn|turn good]], and throw the entire might of my vast empire behind the heroes. Once I join their ranks, I should be able to find out what makes them unbeatable and either take its power or at least neutralize it. Then it's time to [[Face Heel Turn|go evil again]].
** If ''that'' is impossible, I will remember that (if I've done this at all right until now) I'm immortal and they're not, and I will simply wait 80 years. Nobody's going to expect a sneak attack after I've been a beloved figure of good for two generations, and anyone who could have stopped me will either be dead or infirm.
*** I will wait until they are all dead. The infirm can always try to teach the young.
*** During the hiatus, I'll keep an eye open for prophecies or such. If they predict a major evil (me) come back in a century, I'll strike in 95 years. Or 105.
* Most teenage heroes; no matter what they claim; (especially if Japanese) will follow the dictates of their family, school, and society. I am a villain. I can ''manipulate'' those dictates. Upon learning that a legendary band of teenagers can defeat me, I will make sure their parents suddenly get great paying jobs in other cities. Also, I will take full advantage of the apparent fact that teenage heroes find it mandatory to follow society and go their own ways after graduating High School. Again, I'll make sure they get jobs far, far away from each other and the original location so none of that pesky "mentor" business.
** Even better, once I take control of a country, I'll make all children/teenagers "wards of the state" (read: trapped in school) up to age 21. It may wipe out my budget, but at least I won't have to worry about [[Kid Hero|those meddling kids]] showing up and ruining my plans.
*** Or I'll just [[Bread and Circuses|hand them some snacks, a TV, and a laptop]] and let [[Tropes Will Ruin Your Life|the Internet do the rest.]]
** I'll make up the ensuing budget deficit by tying all healthcare plans to employment, so that any [[Older and Wiser|retired heroes]], [[Kid Hero|jobless teenage protagonists]], or [[The Drifter|mysterious hobos]] won't be able to heal their injuries after a fight.
*** As an added bonus, this will prevent my minions from [[Heel Face Turn|switching sides]]. Who's going to join the Hero when they don't have medical coverage for the (several thousand) injuries they're going to suffer?
* Before making a wish with a genie, witch, etc., I will make sure I have the following on standby: an English dictionary, an Ancient Sumerian dictionary, <s>a lucky charm</s> a truckload of lucky charms (with the truck made of horseshoes), a decoder, a supercomputer, a law firm, a small platoon of soldiers, a [[Universal Translator]], a time machine, a private hospital, at least five fully-functional babelfish, a complete survival kit (first-aid kit, flashlight, spare batteries etc.) on my person, a wizard, a Bunsen burner, a bunker, a nuclear submarine, a resurrection machine, a bunch of solar collectors and a copy of the script.
** If I can successfully assemble all these aids and assistants, I will (politely!) tell the entity offering the wish "thanks but no thanks", as the collective power they give me will let me grant ''myself'' any wish I might have.
** On the off chance I find a ''good'' genie, I will free him. That way he won't be available for the heroes.
** Before I free him, I will wish for him to never directly or indirectly help anyone harm or defeat me, ever. Only with that in place (in writing, I think) will I then free him.
** If I find a truly evil genie (as opposed to a [[Literal Genie]] or one who is good but forced to obey), I will find a random cave with no [[Death Trap]]s, put the lamp in it (on an altar so it looks important and can't be missed), and then bribe the local government to rename it "The Ancient Cave of Wonders". Make sure the heroes know about it and find it, and then just wait for my problems to solve themselves.
** In any situation where a number of wishes are granted for me, I will use all the wishes immediately, so as to avoid making accidental wishes with negative consequences. In the event that I have fewer wishes prepared than the number offered, I will make my wishes and then say "I wish for this statement to be a wish" repeatedly until my wishes are expended.
** My first wish will be "I wish I knew what to wish for", thus neatly solving any and all problems that could arise in the wishing.
** If the genie MUST grant me wishes and I am bored or feeling vindictive I may make the wish "I wish for you to not grant this wish" and watch as the genie implodes
** Or I could just make a wish such as "I wish that my wishes can only be activated if I intend it as a wish to the genie at the point of wishing".
** I will politely ask the genie if I'm allowed to wish for more wishes. If the answer is no, I will wish for more genies.
* I will not leave keys, weapons and medical supplies lying around my base for the heroes to find and use. That's just stupid.
** However, I will make sure I have adequate medical supplies on hand for my own use.
** Alternatively, I ''will'' leave these things lying around. The keys will unlock doors that lead into traps, the weapons will be sabotaged in the most dangerous way possible, and the medical supplies will be poisoned. My henchmen will be advised of this upon hiring. Those who forget and subsequently die were [[Too Dumb to Live]] anyways.
*** In lieu of poison, [[Magnificent Bastard|the medical supplies will be cleverly disguised laxatives.]]
* If any of my underlings proposes their own plan to destroy the heroes/conquer the planet/etc., they will be instructed to take their proposal to a crack R&D team; that team in turn will be instructed only to outright reject proposals that, after all reasonable fine-tuning to them has been exhausted, are simply too costly or unreliable compared to the possible advantage gained. I will of course have the final say on which proposals will be accepted or not, but creativity and refinement will be emphasized with all plans submitted. At the very least, the illusion given that I actually care about my minions' little pet projects will keep them from turning against me in an attempt to prove "it'll really work, honest".
** If one of these schemes is good enough to implement, the minion behind it will be right there by my side while it's carried out, and receive full credit for their idea. Not only will it encourage further innovation among the ranks, but it'll paint ''him'' as the target instead of me when someone comes to thwart the scheme and keep me from looking like a [[General Failure]] if the plan goes to hell in a hand-basket.
*** Especially if said minion is [[Daddy's Little Villain|family]] of the [[Dark Action Girl]] variety. Nothing bonds a father and a daughter better together than a Take Your Daughter to Work Day where you both get to focus on all of the fun parts of being an Evil Overlord. I'm looking at you, [[Avatar: The Last Airbender|Ozai]].
* Rather than [[Enemy Civil War|fostering dissension in the ranks]] to distract a minion who might try to dispose of me, I will encourage a strong sense of camaraderie amongst my legions of terror, especially my [[Quirky Miniboss Squad]]. Won't the heroes be surprised when a posse ten thousand strong puts [[The Power of Friendship]] on ''my'' side?
** Similarly, I will encourage [[Minion Shipping]], and even be open to advances from my subordinates. Not only will it bring us [[The Power of Love]], but it'll also keep me from even being ''tempted'' to [[I Have You Now, My Pretty|try seducing the hero's significant other]]. After all, the [[Dark Action Girl]] has [[Evil Is Sexy|more to offer me]], and trying to keep up with her is [[Hot Amazon|more fun anyhow]].
** I will, however, remember that although eternal love and devotion are nice, they are not the same as eternal ''loyalty.''
** [[Manipulative Bastard|Unless you do it right.]]
* Whenever possible, I should be in a position where I don't have to cover anything up, but if I absolutely have to [[Revealing Coverup|kill someone in order to cover something up]], then overkill is the way to go. So, Mister [[Great Detective]], how do you plan to recover the [[MacGuffin|briefcase]] from the embassy when it, your [[Reverse Mole|informant]], the city the embassy was in, and vast areas of the surrounding landscape are all radioactive ash?
** I will also recall how the Mafia does this, and put someone ''else'' in charge of the coverup, and then kill ''him'' when the first phase of killings is completed. If I have enough expendable minions, I will put at least five cutout layers of killings to cover up the killings to cover up between myself and what I wanted covered up to start with.
** Alternatively, I will instruct the expendable killers with the phrase "It would be nice if ______ was dead" then let them go out and do it. However, they will be killed before they even get back, giving me plausible deniability: "I didn't give an order for ________ to be killed. I do not know of the circumstances of their deaths."
* If I need to thwart the hero's progress, I will place before him obstacles which are inherently obstacle-like. If I have the power to turn soup cans into an effective barrier to the hero's progress, frankly, I'm wasting my talents. And besides, do I really want to be the kind of villain who thwarts the hero's progress with a [[Solve the Soup Cans]] puzzle?
** Alternatively, I'll use obstacles that are bafflingly un-obstacle-like when possible. They'll thwart the hero's progress longer if he can't ''tell'' they're thwarting his progress.
* If I am [[President Evil|the ruler]] of my own country, planet or solar system, then I will make sure that my military is loyal to me and competent enough to avoid [[2-D Space|certain]] [[Hollywood Tactics|mistakes]] common in fiction.
** Obviously, this loyalty and competence will extend to all branches of [[The Government|government]], [[Corrupt Corporate Executive|business]], [[Mad Scientist|science]], [[The Syndicate|organized crime]] and [[Villain with Good Publicity|media]].
* I will remember that [[New Media Are Evil|new media is not (inherently) evil.]]
** [[Shock Site|If I need to, I can make new media evil.]]
** That'll happen on its own.
** Also, I will keep a blog to share my personal opinions on matters. It's [[Villain with Good Publicity|good for PR]].
** Unless I'm deliberately going to a [[0% Approval Rating]], I should get a blog anyway. You ''cannot'' understate its value.
** Note to self: vilify (or at least discredit) those without blogs for being "behind the times."
* I will periodically send my assassins to kill random conspiracy nuts in suspicious-looking ways. There is little danger that they will find out about my plans and no one would have believed them anyway, but the heroes will be [[Revealing Coverup|convinced that they were killed for what they knew]] and will get so wrapped up in trying to foil my diabolical plan to give all trees epilepsy that my real plans will go unchallenged. Plus it gives my assassins something to do.
** I will double-check the tinfoil hat theories before killing the tinfoil hatter that came up with them. If it's not something I want people to believe, has nothing to do with me, or seems like something I might want to implement in the near future, the crazy guy lives.
** In that case, the crazy guy gets hired. It's important to think outside the box.
** I won't overdo it on this, otherwise people will know I'm just [[Mind Screw|screwing with them]].
** Alternatively, I'll overdo this ''constantly'', to the point that nobody so much as blinks when the resident crazy guy is suddenly dropped by a sniper bullet. This will make it much easier to kill the people who have actually stumbled onto something important.
* Explosive gas containers will be stored within metal cages as OSHA standards would require.
* I will not, however stress-relieving it is, practice my golf driving shot with puppies.
** This extends to all possible interpretations of the phrase. The puppies will not be the ball, the clubs, offering advice, or even present. Dogs are under no circumstances allowed on my fairways.
*** I will, however, use cats if I do not like said animal, because no one cares about the cat.
* Caution, Death likes cats, <small>DO NOT ANGER DEATH</small>.
** Also [[Image Board|4chan]] likes cats. [[Even Evil Has Standards|Even 4chan Has Standards]].
* My henchmen will work in groups of [[Power Trio|three]] or [[Five-Man Band|five]], never [[Four Is Death|four]].
** Likewise, I will mandate that all groups for all purposes be of either three or five. Including all groups that fight monsters in the name of some other empire. For exactly the same reason.
** In fact, I will publicly decree that any group of four in my empire will be punished by death or imprisonment, depending on my mood that day. (I will make only token attempts to enforce this law, just enough that it remains public knowledge.) [[The Hero]] will instantly assume I have some kind of [[Weaksauce Weakness]] to the number and deliberately form a four-man party. At ''worst'', this will set him apart as a potential enemy. At best, well, [[Four Is Death]], and dead heroes can't do a lot to stop me.
*** One the flipside, this may just cause everyone to think that I'm insane and not take me seriously.
* I will [[I Gave My Word|fulfill my end of all contracts]], in full, as soon as promised. Even though it might be fun to alter deals halfway through, that's just begging the other party to perform a [[Heel Face Turn]]. And I will not quibble about [[Exact Words]] either, unless they're playing the wise guy.
** I will ''never'' promise to uphold my end of the deal before the other party upholds theirs. Just because I want repeat customers doesn't mean I can trust everyone else. (I will ensure this at the promise-''making'' point of the deal.)
** I will also remember that I am doing this out of pragmatism as opposed to a sense of honour, and will not consider this rule binding. If breaking the contract would result in the instantaneous death of the hero and my ascent to godhood, my word will most certainly not be my bond.
* If I am in a [[Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism|heavily idealistic]] series/movies/[[whatever]] and the heroes suddenly start forming a circle and singing, I will order my troops to retreat immediately. I will then use the time they're singing to put the snipers in place (preferably robot snipers immune to [[The Power of Friendship]]). Then [[Knight of Cerebus|I'll]] [[Darker and Edgier|turn it into a realistic series]] by immediately [[Kill'Em All|killing everyone]].
* When adding to an [[Evil Overlord List]], I will make simple flaws in my suggestions. Those [[Genre Savvy]] enough to spot the mistake and edit it will either be chosen for addition to my forces or killed immediately. See rule 4.4 near the top of this list for an example of this.
** [[Completely Missing the Point|There is no rule 4.4]]
* When naming my children I'll pay close attention to the meaning of the name. I wouldn't want to give them a positive [[Prophetic Names|prophetic name]] and having them end up helping to defeat me.
** Neither should I name them after anyone who betrayed or killed either/both of their parents. Mordred? Bad idea.
** Also, if my significant other insists on [[Theme Naming]], I'll make sure [[Odd Name Out|they're all included]].
* If I have a lieutenant who is completely loyal to me, believing me to be on the good side despite the heroes' assurances that I am actually evil, I will ''not'' decide it is a good idea to notify them of the fact that I have secretly hated them for as long as I've known them.
** I will also begin seducing the lieutenant into turning evil himself, so that I can quit with the "I'm really good" act. If this fails, I will just kill the lieutenant—having to lie to your trusted underlings sorta undercuts the whole point of them being trusted in the first place.
* I will not attempt to "steal Christmas". Or Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Boxing Day, Setsubun or any other holiday widely observed by the people. There is no way it can end well. I will instead make myself well known for [[Bread and Circuses|doing highly generous, festive and visible acts]] in addition to paying proper respect to all socio-religious celebrations.
** Likewise, I will encourage people to celebrate pseudo-holidays such as Valentine's Day, Flag Day, Hero Appreciation Day... okay, well, maybe not that last one, but having the populace bicker over which holidays are better than which other holidays is more helpful to me than seeing them organize themselves over complete repression of said holidays.
** Halloween, though, is ''mine''. After all, I have all the monsters.
*** Though I should probably keep away from it if the heroes include a [[Nightmare Fetishist]].
** Arbor Day is probably also safe to go after, for pure confusion purposes.
*** Only if you're already dead.
** I will, however, take over the International Talk Like A Pirate Day. If it works, great. If it doesn't, it will still be ''hilarious''.
** I'd take over Earth Day and make its new message "people from Earth have the perfect right to rape other planets' environments."
* If I feel the need to rig an election, I will not rig the election it such that I will win everything, everywhere, with everyone loving me. Although I will win in the end, I don't want anyone to know I rigged the election. I want my enemies to have the small bit of hope that they can oust me in an election and focus on doing that rather then killing me.
** I will make use of secret ballots and rig the statistics so that the heroes try to start a rebellion in the one place that my popularity is assured. It'll be amusing to watch the heroes outrun a lynch mob, and even if they don't the statistical weirdness should give the conspiracy nuts loyal to me something to play with.
* Any goggles used in my complex WILL be fully [[Goggles Do Nothing|functional]]
* If I ''absolutely, positively, undeniably'' MUST have a self destruct system aboard my ship, I will ensure that it has the following features.
** Step 1: Blast doors enclose the room the self-destruct button is in.
** Step 2: [[Frickin' Laser Beams]] with motion-tracking devices shoot out of every surface a laser can feasibly be mounted on.
** Step 3: [[Bullet Hell|Guns will follow the same procedure]] after a thirty-second wait to allow any survivors to leave cover.
** Step 4: The room will flood with Novichok nerve gas.
** Step 5: The ship will flood with Novichok nerve gas.
** Step 6: The ship will flood with [[Kill It with Fire|napalm]].
** Step 7: The napalm will ignite.
** Step 8: [[There Is No Kill Like Overkill|A two-hundred-megaton thermonuclear bomb will detonate in the ship's engine room.]]
** There will be no countdown between the button being pressed and the device activating.
** There are [[Blatant Lies|only two]] detonation triggers: my personal escape pod and the aforementioned button. In case my personal escape pod is boarded by the heroes (which I would have to disobey the original list to allow in any case) I will have a third detonation trigger for the escape pod given to my most trusted lieutenant. And even that will only work [[Taking You with Me|after I'm already dead]], so no assassination attempts.

{{Evil Overlord Lists}}
{{reflist}}
[[Category:Evil Tropes]]
[[Category:Additional Evil Overlord List Cellblock A]]