View source for If I Am Ever Head of an Alien Monitoring Agency

{{How-To Guide}}
<big>'''Things to think about if I ever run a counter alien agency.'''</big> <ref>Works equally well for agencies dealing with supernatural, paranormal, superheroic, or other unusual threats.</ref>

Part of [[The Universal Genre Savvy Guide]].

== Foundational Principles ==
* When considering all of the following advice, I will hold one thing uppermost in my mind: If I have a choice between ignoring the advice or only following it half-heartedly (say, for financial reasons), I will ignore it and ensure that I follow those that I can to the utmost.
* [[Agent Scully|I will not assume all strange events are purely terrestrial]]. My job is there for a reason. I will also not ignore the possibility of forces that cannot be explained with current science.
* [[Magic From Technology|The boundary between Exotic Science and Magic]] and between a [[Sufficiently Advanced Alien]] and a [[God]] is shaky enough at the best of times, and although I will try to explain events scientifically and although I ''will'' look for rational explanations, saying that I have [[Outgrown Such Silly Superstitions]] is just asking to be caught with my pants down by a sudden [[Genre Shift]].
* I will not presume all [[Eldritch Abomination]]s are necessarily of [[Humans Are Cthulhu|Alien origin.]] Such internal threats will also be monitored and planned for: Eugenics and attempting to halt human evolution may be unpleasant, but if the alternative is letting mankind evolve into some time-travelling [[Cosmic Horror]] that just materialised in Antarctica and eats people's souls, I for one am happy to stay as a [[Puny Earthlings|Puny Earthling]], thank you very much.
* I will not assume an [[Eldritch Abomination]], Alien or Human, will ''[[Humanoid Abomination|look]]'' alien.

== Maintaining the Masquerade ==
# My first job will be to [[Cassandra Gambit|create a website revealing my existence]]. I will link to all the strange conspiracy sites I can find, use very poor or dubious photos, lots of [[Hollywood Science|bad science]] and include forums. This has the twofold purpose of discrediting anyone who finds out about me and letting me know what the conspiracy nuts are noticing.
# If aliens do something really public like [[Stargate SG-1|destroy an aircraft carrier]], I will go public and lobby for more powers and an increased budget, not create some ill-conceived cover story about asteroids that nobody will believe.
#* Except, of course, ''before'' going public: People will be more inclined to believe in the agency's existence if they suspect it than [[Cassandra Truth|if I proudly announce it]].
# If possible, I will commission an animated cartoon, anime, or [[Stargate SG-1|cheesy live-action series]] depicting people somewhat like us fighting aliens somewhat like the ones we fight. [[Fiction as Cover-Up|This will allow me to better pass off any sighting as part of a live-action movie]].
#* If anyone comments that the movie has been in production for what seems like a [[Paper-Thin Disguise|suspiciously long time]], I will tell everyone it is because [[Neon Genesis Evangelion|ADV Films]] [[Development Hell|are running the project,]] with [[Duke Nukem Forever|3D Realms]] making the films [[Vapourware|computer game tie-in]].
# If an invasion seems unavoidable, I will go public. Sure, the public will panic, but they won't be [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy (film)|quietly sipping coffee in a café when the aliens start blowing them up either]].
#* If in doubt as to whether the situation counts as 'unavoidable' I will remind myself it is better to get the panic over with sooner rather than later. If the situation resolves itself, I can always claim the credit and use the incident to press for more funding and cooperation from the rest of the world.
#* I will not, for the love of god, keep the imminent invasion secret from heads of state, even if it isn't strictly "unavoidable". ''Especially'' if, hypothetically speaking, [[Independence Day|I was hired by said head of state]].
# All heads of government and all heads of security services will be kept under very close scrutiny, for their protection.
# If no one can give me a sensible reason to maintain the masquerade other than so we can remain a secret company and have a Masquerade, I will immediately go public. It will save time and effort in the long run, and I will be able to work more efficiently if people know I'm not some random loon.
#* And as a note, saying that people would panic to know there is a nation out there which could declare war on us but has not (yet) is not a good reason. Earth currently contains over 100 nations that could possibly declare war at any time, and we do not attempt to cover them up.

== Facilities ==
# Emergency response plans will exist in case any of my bases are taken over by alien forces.
#* These will not be known to all the people at said bases.
#* Some of them will be known to the people at said bases. These are only the ones that require or involve the cooperation of said people. One example of such a plan is "Run".
# All of my electronics and high level facilities will be be built to local building codes and meet all Health and Safety regulations.
# They will also include a high level of EMP and TEMPEST shielding.
# All doors in my bases will have Chubb or protector locks, Yale locks, and mechanical combination locks in addition to the electronic locks, retinal and fingerprint scans etc etc. And bolts. Thick bolts.
# I will not store alien artefacts in a major city, in my headquarters, or [[Freelancer|in my pocket]].
# In fact, why have a single centralized location that can be plundered or nuked all at once? Several storehouses and analytical labs in unrelated areas work better (and only a trusted few, trained to resist telepathy and mind control, would know about more than one).
# If possible, I and my immediate subordinates will be the only ones who KNOW that multiple locations exist.
# If at all possible, breaking glass will be cued to the security systems, so that the room where the glass broke will be locked down. If it is someone who just dropped the coffee pot, well, no harm done. But I don't want [[The Klutz]] working in my alien HQ, either.
# I will have scanners of some type at the front door that are capable of detecting [[Torchwood|secretly planted bombs]]. If I don't have the technology for this, that means I ''don't have security''.
# All base systems will have sensible backups. And by sensible backups I mean in addition to back up electronic generators and batteries, there will be a diesel-powered generator on each floor, and rules forcing all operatives to keep a lighter on their person and a butane lamp under their desk at all times in case the power does go out, and guns in their desk drawers (preferably [[Revolvers Are Just Better|revolvers]]) in case we are attacked. Should [[Walking Techbane|Alien Tech Bane]] stop firearms from working, swords, preferably [[Katanas Are Just Better|katanas]], will also be available. And typewriters and hand cranked mimeographs so power outages will not keep them from their paperwork: I am not an [[Obstructive Bureaucrat]], but no one would let people with the sort of powers my operatives will need have that much power without keeping track of it, electricity or no.
# As of yet, no logical reason for a self-destruct sequence has ever been put forward, especially on a static building.
#* Conversely, the buildings that truly require self-destructs never seem to have them. Like Maximum Security Prisons, for example. Also, there's no reason to destroy the entire building. Centralize the explosives in the R&D department and the Archives. Preferably in a way that destroys all evidence of supposed wrong-doings without actually damaging the room.
#* If a situation develops that would call for such a measure, an externally controlled containment method such as a missile strike would be preferable.
#* And any such system will have at least one, and preferably several, fail-safe override systems whose operation is known to all key personnel.
#* [[Spaceballs|And making sure the cancellation sequence is always a high maintenance priority and never out of order.]]
# I shall employ competent electricians, industrial engineers, and members of other trades and professions to inspect and maintain my facilities. While I am head of the alien monitoring agency, I shall not regard myself as superior to the [[No OSHA Compliance|various industrial-hygiene codes]], as they were enacted to prevent accidents that would have a worse effect on my operations than would simply complying with them. It is far simpler to ensure that my Ultimate Weapon is properly grounded and equipped with the appropriate number of fire extinguishers than it is to rebuild my entire base.
# I will make sure that security cameras can all be seen from other security cameras. This will prevent anyone from hiding in a blind spot below them or from obscuring the camera.
#* Chemical-based film cameras will also be made available. Should our regular security cameras go out, concealed spring-powered backups loaded with film stock will automatically start running in our more sensitive areas; development may take some time, but it will be worth it to know who stole what/who from where when they thought we were blinded.
# I will remind myself that redundant overlapping security systems are my friends, especially when it comes to critical systems like prisoner containment and life support. If an EMP takes out the electronic locks on the [[Secret Government Warehouse|warehouse where we keep the cool stuff]], let's see the thieves go through the cuneiform-based mechanical puzzle locks and the poisonous gas contained between the inner and outer vault walls.
#* If they do get through them, I am dealing with a [[Turncoat|traitor]], an [[The Mole|infiltrator]], or Batman, and will investigate accordingly.
#** If it's Batman, I will give up and tell him what he wants to know. Because I just can't win there.

=== Storing Alien Tech ===
# I will not be stupid enough to have one of my alien artefact storage areas underneath, inside, above, next to or anywhere near an iconic and well known landmark. If I am stupid enough to do so, I will [[Transformers (film)|not keep a frozen genocidal alien robot in my basement.]] If I am stupid enough to [[Human Popsicle|keep a frozen genocidal alien robot]] in my basement, [[Convection, Schmonvection|I will remain smart enough to invest in insulation so it doesn't defrost the second the back up generator goes off-line.]]
# That said, if my alien artefact storage area in the desert comes under attack and the [[Big Bad]] is defrosting, I will endeavour to contain him and the final battle there, if only because having to move my alien [[Artifact of Doom|Artifact O' Doom]] [[MacGuffin]] from the desert into an [[The Tokyo Fireball|easily destroyed, highly populated urban area]] [[Adults Are Useless|where I will have to rely on high school age children to hide it]] will only guarantee [[Humongous Mecha|Humongous Alien Mecha]] will have to smash shit up, and this will probably cost me my [[Hero Insurance]] no-claims bonus.
# If necessary, I should be prepared to blow up/flood/freeze/nuke my artifact storage. Relatedly, before putting an artifact in cold storage, I should figure out something that can damage it, so I don't end up nuking Godzilla eggs or something similarly pointless.
# Furthermore, if I know the maximum safe temperature at which an artifact/alien can be stored before it activates, I will set up a system so that the artifact/alien contained in cold storage is destroyed automatically if the storage temperature exceeds a limit a few degrees below the activation point. If I do not know the maximum safe temperature, I will strongly consider having a failsafe system that destroys the contents of the cold storage if the cooling system fails or loses power at all. It may set research projects back, but better safe than sorry.
# If an alien artifact of unknown origin and power suddenly pops into existence in my HQ, I will immediately move all command functions to a different building.
#* In a different city.
#* [[Properly Paranoid|On a different continent.]]
#[[SCP Foundation|All of my staff will be given the following instructions regarding alien tech: If you don't know what it is, it's a]] [[The Virus|highly contagious]] [[A.I. Is a Crapshoot|transsapient and malevolent]] [[The End of the World as We Know It|XK-class]] [[Artifact of Doom|Keter]] that must be contained and tested as quickly as possible. Or, in plainer language, it can destroy the world if mishandled, it hates your guts, it's smarter than you, and it will eat your soul if you look at it; but we still have to keep it safe and figure out what it does.
#* I won't use the jargon in the staff's briefing notes; I'll use the plainer language. No point tempting Fate by using terms that the new hires don't understand.
# I will upgrade to new HQs every now and again. Old HQs will be mothballed, and I will keep a spare key. These will also be well patrolled in case someone has the bright idea to take them over. This will allow me a place to fall back to if my main HQ is taken over.
#* This will not, however, be allowed to proceed to the point where an unlimited string of old HQs dots the landscape.

=== Alien detainment facilities ===
# If we take any aliens prisoner, they will be stripped of all their technology, and held in a maximum security facility.
# I will always assume that alien prisoners have mind control and shape-shifting capabilities, even if there is no evidence of such, and take appropriate counter measures. I will also have multiple contingency plans for if they fail, ranging up to [[Self-Destruct Mechanism|nuking the entire prison]].
# All prisons for aliens will have security systems at least as good as ordinary human prisons. Doors that open when the power goes off are ''right out''.
# I will not keep [[Massive Multiplayer Crossover|all alien prisoners]] in the same [[Cardboard Prison|detention facility]]. Yet I should be limited to only ten facilities at most. If I need more than that, I am obviously [[Stupid Boss|not doing my job]] and should be replaced. With a sickeningly sweet severance package, so I don't get any [[Face Heel Turn|ideas]].
# When taking an alien prisoner, I should consult with (or at least study) other aliens who have kept this species locked up in the past. Note both successes and failures. If I'm ever ''given'' a prisoner by other aliens, I will take their advice, especially if they impress upon me the importance of keeping the damn thing locked up (doubly important if they're dying somehow).


== Equipment ==
# If I believe that a system fitted to my group's bases, vehicles, or other equipment is suspect, I will have it removed.
# All staff will be briefed on exactly what the term "last resort" means, and I will have drills to test last resorts that my staff will NOT know are drills. If my weapon of last resort or ultimate emergency all-purpose contingency plan x or other act of last resort is so terrible no one amongst my highly principled agents will dare use it, then to all extents and purposes I do not HAVE a weapon of last resort and I need to recruit some more callous staff (or find a more reasonable last-resort program - [[Nuke'Em|nukes are right out]]). Likewise, if it is a weapon of last resort and people appear to be using it [[Medium Awareness|once-per episode]] with no apparent ill effect then there is no reason to class it as "last resort" rather than say "First option" and so its use will be reviewed.
# All my equipment and vehicles will have at least as good anti-theft devices as civilian versions, such as immobilisers in cars and The Club.
# My vehicle fleet will all be makes, models, ages, body styles, trim levels and colors not typically used by law enforcement, military, or other government agencies in the part of the world in which they are deployed. Random units will have after-market equipment otherwise seen only on personal private vehicles added to them.
# [[Van in Black|Black Suburbans]] will only be used after they are equipped with clamshell car-top luggage-carriers and/or at least two child seats; one for for an infant, one for a toddler. They will also have a bumper sticker advising the world that "My child is an Honor Roll student at [X] school", "59% of the British Public Say Keep Foxhunting", or a similar locally appropriate sticker.
# The above will work better if the cars are NOT driven by [[The Men in Black|heavy-set men in dark suits and sunglasses]] but by women in knitwear/one of those tweed sleeveless jackets that look like they're made out of quilts (you could probably hide a ceramic trauma plate in one of those things easily) or other appropriate local dress.
# I will not emblazon my [[Van in Black|black vans]] with [[Torchwood|the name of my top-secret organization.]]
# With all that established, some Classic Black Vans will be kept around, for intimidation or in case we ever need to [[Men in Black (film)|impersonate the FBI to keep the Masquerade]].
# Teams disassembling alien technology in person will be outfitted with EOD suits under all circumstances, unless we can develop better ordnance disposal gear using alien tech. If possible, however, disassembly will be handled remotely via drones.
# All staff will be made aware that latex gloves, goggles and face-masks are issued for their protection from infection by alien [[McGuffin]] and [[District 9|they are to wear them at all times when the regulations say so, even if they do feel like a pussy doing so]] as this is ''far'' preferable to all [[Body Horror|the]] [[They Would Cut You Up|possible]] [[Transhuman Treachery|alternatives.]]

== Security Procedures ==
# Rule Number One of Facility Security Operations: [[Punctuated! For! Emphasis!|You WILL NOT]] fall for [[The Schlub Pub Seduction Deduction]]. Those who [[Idiot Ball|fail to remember this]] and [[Could Have Been Messy|survive the experience]] [[Hope Spot|won't be fired]]. '''[[It Got Worse|They will be shot.]]''' I apologize, but [[This Is Unforgivable!]] [[Pet Peeve Trope|in my book]].
# All members are to be reminded that wandering off on their own is '''bad'''.
# All guard posts will be manned by no fewer than three people, so that if one is in the loo and another gets shot, I still have one to raise the alarm.
# Important guard posts, such as entrances and prisons, will include a deadman's switch linked to the alarm. If technology and budget permits, I will incorporate personal versions into the standard uniform and radio.
# Again, I will guard against getting too clever with this. If I put three guards in each post, someone will bring out three snipers. If I have six guards, they'll just break out the rocket launchers. I won't be able to make it impossible to [[Cutting the Knot|bypass my security through brute force]], it just shouldn't be ''easy''.
# Any equipment failures are to be considered an emergency until proven otherwise. Especially those involving security or communication systems.
# All agents' phones will be monitored to allow me to track them in an emergency and detect treachery.
# All high ranking members of the agency will run on carefully chosen [[Code Name|code names]] only. They will not be allowed to connect with their "normal" lives for safety reasons. A name like "Mr. Steven" will protect you in ways [[Armor Is Useless|body armour can only imagine]].
# Despite this, all high-ranking officers will wear body armour and have at least as good a guard detail as a major political figure.
# If at all possible, this armor should be augmented with alien defenses, or at least defenses tested against alien weaponry (assuming we have enough of either to work with).
# I will never have all of my commanders in any one place. They will never go all to one meeting, and if requested to do so, some will employ an advanced system known as "teleconferencing".
# Rather than just having a single, all purpose, password I will use a system of passwords. Each person will have more than one, unique to them, [[The Bourne Series|one of which will mean "I am being forced to do this".]]
#* My agents will alternate between passwords at each login. Using the same password twice consecutively will mean either "I am being forced to do this" or "My security has been compromised".
# I will demand pedantic and frequent radio protocol. If you send a message and do not get a "Roger!" in response, you are to assume that your message was blocked. Likewise, the only excuses for missing in a check-in are death, capture or incapacitation. As such, I will assume one of those.
# [[Everything Is Online|Base computer systems will not be connected to the Internet.]] Internet terminals will exist but they will be unconnected to any other base function.
#* Likewise, computers with DVD-RW drives will exist, but will be supervised both remotely and by an unsympathetic man with [[Too Dumb to Fool|no imagination]] and a .38. For the purposes of moving data between computers within the base, the computers will be networked. Agents will not be given [[Magic Floppy Disk|floppy disks]] or USB stick, or DVDs, or CDs. In addition, all entrances and all door-frames will be fitted with powerful electromagnets, [[Freefall|and all rubbish leaving the base subjected to EMP]]. If no-one can make a readable CD or USB stick, [[Secret Intelligence Service|no one can leave it on a train]].
#* However, an EMP [http://freefall.purrsia.com/ff1800/fc01720.htm is not a viable substitute for actually shredding, incinerating or looking though said rubbish].
# I will invest in a minimum of ''two'' plasma furnaces per base: one for mundane rubbish and alien material that does not contain any exotic elements or isotopes, and another for items that ''do'' contain such matter. The output of each will be stored and disposed of in separate facilities.
# My computers will not be installed with the kind of firewalls that allow intruders to play [[Password Slot Machine]]s, take a [[Rapid-Fire Typing|speed-typing test]] or, heaven forbid, beat some [[Hacking Minigame|lame children's game]] to gain access. If the [[Hollywood Hacking|setting has no real firewalls]], I will just have to invent them.
# My security systems should include as few stock components as possible, to minimize the risk of falling victim to a common security hole. Under ''no'' circumstances will I use [[Mass Effect|the same security as the rest of the galaxy]], because everyone likely knows how to crack it by now.


== Staffing ==
# My organisation will not have a single head. There will be an inner circle of at least half a dozen, each with supreme authority over one area. As such, multiple people will have to be compromised to significantly control the organisation.
# My organisation will be [[Oddly Small Organization|large and inclusive]], not [[A Half Dozen Guys in A Basement]].
# If I absolutely ''must'' have an organization [[Torchwood|made up of]] [[Sanctuary|half a dozen people]] [[War of the Worlds (TV series)|in a basement]], I'll recognize that it's easy to entirely take out, and will have emergency resources and procedures in place for surviving agents. These will at a minimum include money, weapons, a list of contacts, and a password encrypted DVD holding information that may be useful in an emergency.
# In such a situation, although specialization and distribution of duties is important, I will ensure that there will be at least one person on staff, preferably several, with the necessary skills to compensate for the absence of any individual (leader, medic, etc.) in case said individual is killed, working on something more important, or absent for [[Torchwood|personal]] [[Animorphs|reasons]].
# Any humans who voluntarily get involved with aliens will be screened for potential recruitment. Megalomaniacs and power-mongers will be killed. Xenophiles will be recruited. Any humans who involuntarily become involved with aliens will be dealt with on a case-by-case basis, but will at the very least receive a thorough physical.
# Anyone who gets involved with aliens in any way [[Touched by Vorlons|will be periodically checked up on for some time afterwards, possibly the rest of their lives, to see if there are any unusual long-term effects.]]
# I will look everywhere for my agents. Often all a serial killer or bored Internet terrorist needs is a constructive outlet for his skills. Better have them in pissing out than out pissing in, after all.
#* However, I will make sure that said agents remain well-supervised and keep them away from any benevolent aliens that turn up, lest they get the wrong idea about my organisation.
# All important staff will be assigned their own bodyguard units during field ops.

=== All Personnel ===
# I am an equal opportunity employer. Ethnic slurs, as well as spur-of-the-moment xeno-slurs, are not to be tolerated. The last thing we need is a war because someone was compared to a water cooler. Or a pepperpot.
#* On second thought, the aliens that usually get called pepperpots pretty much have maxed out their propensity for war anyway. Insulting Daleks can't really make things ''worse''.
{{quote|''"COMPARISION TO PEPPERPOTS DETECTED. [[Oh Crap|MAXIMUM EXTERMINATION LEVEL ACTIVATED.]]"''}}
# My pension plan and pay scale will be very good. The last thing I need is some scientist hawking xeno-tech for cash.
#* However, I will also hire a shady-looking someone to occasionally bribe my scientists to steal useless tech [[Secret Test of Character|in order to weed out those who would be tempted]]. I will not get [[Gambit Roulette|too damned clever]] with this, however.
# If needed, I will hawk alien tech for cash myself. I will prefer sale of equipment with limited fuel/ammo/batteries that cannot be reproduced by the buyers, but only if there is a large on-hand supply of such. Under no circumstances will I sell anything with limitless use that provides new capabilities other than structural strength. I will also not sell any material vital to the use of alien tech I have integrated into mainline units.
# If [[The Unmasqued World|the existence of aliens is widely known]] and official or semi-official contact is made, however, I will wholeheartedly enter the xenotech business, before somebody else beats me to it.


=== Combat Staff ===
# I will recruit from the world's finest soldiers. As such, my forces will be able to [[Hollywood Tactics|use cover and avoid obvious hazards]].
# All staff issued with firearms will be regularly tested on both [[Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy|marksmanship]] and [[I Just Shot Marvin in the Face|basic gun safety.]] The [[Evil Overlord List]]’s advice about using those unable to hit man size targets at close range ''as'' targets may be a little too cruel for a progressive organisation of the type I hope to run, but anyone who points a gun at themselves or at ME when no breach-flag is visible is going to get a breach-flag [[Ass Shove|forcibly inserted into their person]].
# Guards at my bases will be equipped at least as well as the US Armed Forces, and at least as well trained as [[Brits With Battleships|Royal Marines.]] If not the [[Crazy Awesome|SAS.]]
# I will presumably be running at least a small military and they will need training to guard my facilities. They cannot do this concealed. As such, I will take care to have people assume that they are the local National Guard, not random people with guns.
# Helmets will be the preferred choice of headgear for overt combat operations and black ops.
#* Patrol caps in the same camouflage pattern as the uniforms are recommended for non-combat situations.
#* Optional berets will be available for dress uniform, but by no means required.
# Elite troops often have real difficulty [[Stranger in a Familiar Land|adapting to normal life after they have to leave]]. I need as many highly trained experts as possible. This should be clear enough.
# My troops will be trained to call in for backup before investigating a strange area, not ''after'' entering said area.
# Troops investigating a strange area will always deploy drones first to investigate the area before moving in, unless the situation renders this unfeasible. It's easier to replace drones than personnel.

=== Scientific/Analytical/Investigative Staff ===
# Investigative personnel will wear casual clothing appropriate to the area being examined, and not black suits with sunglasses.
#* Unless, of course, they are investigating a science-fiction convention.
# I will employ a team of experts in linguistics, anthropology, zoology, biology, and anything else I can think of to create a college level course in every new alien species we work with, and encounter. It will include basic language, culture, taboos, anatomy, and anything else useful in working with them. This will be mandatory for all of my staff. This should curb the horrible misunderstandings and failed emergency medical treatment, and should encourage overall acceptance of these new species.
# If the existence of aliens is widely known, I will consider giving this curriculum, and experts if necessary, to actual universities, or at least other government organizations. The more people know, the fewer embarrassing incidents will occur.
# I will employ a large—I repeat, a ''large''—staff of behavioural physiologists and behavioural zoologists. This will ensure that [[There Are No Therapists|my troops can get therapy]] and I can immediately call on trained professionals to help me understand the possible mindset of any encountered alien.
# I will have experts in mythology on staff. If aliens have [[Ancient Astronauts|visited us before]], someone [[All Myths Are True|must have written]] ''[[All Myths Are True|something]]'' [[All Myths Are True|down]].
#* And a staff of anthropologists specializing in prehistory, in case the aliens may have visited ''before'' the advent of writing.
# I will have my technicians work up and test safety procedures for recovered alien technology as well, so I can know how many [[Green Rocks]] to include in my Death Ray or the stress tolerances of my new hover-car.

=== Other Staff ===
# I will employ several conspiracy nuts, and keep them under close observation. Admittedly, most of their theories will be nonsense, but sometimes a [[Girl Genius|300% increase in honey prices]] ''is'' important. They will be culled from the website I already set up in point number 3 above.
# I will employ several people in the media. They help kill any security leaks I have, and they get to have the exclusives on any non-alien scandals and threats I uncover.
#* Preferably, the majority of these individuals will be senior editors or producers, or even station or paper owners who actually control what is aired and printed, and not just reporters who submit stories in ''hopes'' that they will be printed or aired.
#* However, I will also keep [[The Paid for Harem|a small cadre]] of hot, [[Everyone Is Bi|bisexual]] [[Loves My Alter Ego|A-list investigative reporters]] on my payroll just in case [[Superman|one of the aliens]] has [[Mars Needs Women|a thing]] for them.
# I will employ a group of competent accountants and lobbyists to make sure I am not constantly underfunded or on the verge of having my funding cut off by the government.
#* They will also keep an eye out for suspicious expenditures.
# One of my revenue streams should be a games company. This has the now familiar screening benefits (see previous points), but also gives me the advantage of employing a group of people whose job it is to consider strange scenarios and who will be running forums, presumably, for people who do the same as a hobby. [[Stargate Universe|Some gamers can be dangerously fiendish.]]
#* I should also take a gander at NetForce: The Archimedes Effect. For those who haven't read it yet, the important part was the villain's use of an online video game to test ways to get into secure facilities. I will carefully weigh the pros and cons of this idea and, should the pros outweigh the cons, a similar system will be implemented.
# I will also arrange for agents at the above-mentioned remote postings to get pre-release copies (full versions, ''not'' betas) of this company's games.
#* Unless, of course, they opt in.
# I will hire [[MythBusters|Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman]]. [[Indy Ploy|I don't know what I'll do with them]], but I'm sure [[MacGyvering|they'll come in handy]] at some point.
#* Until I work out what to do with them, ''[[Made of Explodium|I will keep them busy.]]''
#* Alternatively, I will hire them and keep them making the show. Not only will this bring me cash, but it will also allow some... less dangerous tests under the guise of "urban myths".


=== Employees in transition ===
# I will let my employees leave my organization without undue coercion or harm. If kept under observation, they don't pose much more of a security risk than employees on the job, and forcing disgruntled employees to stay on is probably ''more'' of a security risk; [[Torchwood|mind-wiping them]] not only has ethical problems, but reduces morale a lot.
# In fact, I will set up a nice little retirement home for them, or [[Pet the Dog|a good reference]] for a position with subsidiary of our civilian engineering firms. Or I'll just set them up with a nice place on [[The Prisoner|an isolated island resort]], which really is better than it sounds.
# Guards will be able to get [[Signed Up for the Dental|excellent education and scholarship benefits]] upon discharge. When they have earned advanced degrees, I will hire them back [[Mook Promotion|at an increased rate]]. This will ensure that one of them is a [[Badass Normal]] in the event of any [[Alien Invasion]].
# Retiring employees with sufficient experience, intelligence, and combat expertise will be given the option of joining a reserves unit. For a handsome stipend, they will maintain their combat and espionage capabilities, the better to serve as a [[La Résistance|fifth column]] should the Earth be invaded and the organization somehow incapacitated or destroyed.

== Organizational Policies ==
# I will include as least as much oversight of operations as an average intelligence agency. More, in fact.
# "Outsourcing" is not in my dictionary.
#* Neither is Public-Private Finance. Unless our alien-tech business is the Private, and under our strict control.
#** Nor is [[wikipedia:Cost-plus contract#Pros and cons|Cost Plus.]]
# If I do decide to use reverse-engineered xeno-tech for civilian purposes, such as to provide cheap clean power, I will first predict the likely effects of such on the world economy. Nothing like destroying a major industry to plunge the economy into chaos.
# Rather than reverse-engineering alien weapons, the first thing I will attempt to recreate is alien sensors. That way, if titanic starships appear overhead, at least I'll know ahead of time.
# If aliens found us and not vice versa, the planet Earth is unlikely to be more advanced. This means that we are [[You Fail Economics Forever|unlikely to be able to compete in the tech market if we make contact.]] To avoid economic domination, I will make sure we are ready to [[Alien Arts Are Appreciated|push out art and culture]] to get some financial leverage. Obviously, we'll have to be selective of what we send out.
#* Alien imports will be subject to a punitive import tariff to protect earth's industries. [[Economics|Laissez-faire free-market capitalism is all very well and good,]] but there is no place for the "invisible hand" of free-market wealth if the hand in question belongs to an alien power. It goes without saying that [[Offscreen Villain Dark Matter|a good percentage of the cash raised by this tariff will go to my organisation]] and that we will have the final say in if any particular import licence is granted.
# I will watch carefully any piece of technology that suddenly and rapidly manages to be in everything, especially if it involves common pieces of technology like mobile phones or sat navs which should by all rights have several competing systems.
#* I will also remember that a patent explains how to make the patented device. Any ubiquitous piece of technology that depends on an unknown [[Black Box]] or on [[Lost Technology|unknown technology]] should be very conspicuously unpatented.
# Just because I employ an R&D department does not mean I do not need to understand how things work. [[Possession Implies Mastery|Or at least how to work them.]]

=== Policies towards employees ===
# I will develop a rich and varied after-work environment for my employees, especially those who have to be cut off from the world.
# I will also develop a very strict, professional no-nonsense work environment.
#* Despite this, if [[Neon Genesis Evangelion|my child is working for me]], I will [[Team Mom|remember to hug my offspring]] when s/he does something heroic. I might also try to [[Shipping|set him/her up]] with my [[Mad Scientist's Beautiful Daughter|lead researcher's kid]].
# As a consequence of the two above rules, sneaking off to have a quick one whilst you are on duty (and similar) is a Class 1 disciplinary matter. Aliens always invade whilst the guards [[The Guards Must Be Crazy|either have their trousers down or are lighting up]].
# As cabin fever is not desirable, all personnel assigned to remote locations will receive frequent relief, at least daily (monitored) contact with the outside world, and basic leisure facilities for use when off shift.
#* As they will often consist of 100% of my agents' contact with the outside world on these occasions, radio operators / communications officers will be ''encouraged'' to be chatty and informal ''after'' they have received all necessary info and will be asked to remain online for at least 20 minutes, with time available for at least half an hour.
# Also, since [[The Internet Is for Porn|internet access is limited]] (see above), I will shower my (off-duty) employees with porn.
# Employees in less remote places will have access to and be encouraged to patronize [[High-Class Call Girl|highly-trained, attractive escorts]] of both genders, numerous races and body types, and all orientations. These escorts will work for me exclusively, be highly compensated, and maintain absolute confidentiality of any employee's kinks and acts. This will reduce the possibility of [[Honey Trap|enemy agents, investigative journalists, or random bar pick-ups]] learning things they shouldn't and/or blackmailing my employees. This will also keep my brilliant scientists, engineers, and military personnel from causing undue conflict or destruction [[General Ripper|due to sexual frustration]].
# I will need to train my staff in advanced pursuit driving and other.... less usual motor vehicle skills. As I will be dealing with alien Tech, some of my vehicles will be very conspicuously, unusually and heavily, sometimes bizarrely modified. So when I will run my motor vehicle unit out of the [[Top Gear|old RAF base in Dunsfold, Surrey]] the bizarre vehicles, insane stunts, random explosions and the race of preternaturally gifted Human-Alien super-racing-drivers in white helmets [[All Part of the Show|will be attributed to the TV show]] they make there.
#* If a battle with super aliens burns down my storage unit there, I will get the TV show to jokingly blame it on sabotage from [[wikipedia:Fifth Gear|a rival TV motoring Show.]]
# My organisation will have a team of official Devil's Advocates to ensure that we consider the alternative courses of action. Their job will be to put forward alternate policies to the default in all circumstances to ensure we aren't overlooking something.
#* Having several "[[Buffy-Speak|anti-yes-men]]" will keep resentment from building up during staff meetings.
# If I am assigned [[F.E.A.R.|a skilled agent with unusual capabilities and an unclear background]], I will immediately look into said background to determine where his/her skills came from. It might be relevant.
# I will make sure large amounts of money are put into R&D for future generations. I don't want to find that my descendants in the 42nd century will still be stuck with [[Improperly Placed Firearms|M-16 rifles.]]
# If I can reverse-engineer weapons, I can also reverse-engineer civilian goods. I can then get non-governmental funding from patents.
# I shall remember that I am defrauding the government by trying to patent something which has prior art (even if secret). However, if we're the good guys, [[Hero Insurance|we might be able to get away with it]].
# I will require that all personal projects be reported to the appropriate leaders. Both proper surveillance and fostering the trust of my employees will go a long way. This will serve many purposes, including making sure that everyone knows about potentially useful experimental technology in case of emergency, allowing employees creative and motivated enough to work on these "extra-curricular" activities to receive the aid they deserve, and preventing and preparing for any nasty surprises if a personal "project" goes awry. Nobody will benefit from hiding a risky experiment or [[Torchwood|captive hostile]] in the basement.

=== Policies towards everyone else ===
# I will study the various invasion techniques from history. I will recall that the Europeans whose descendants now rule America did not arrive all weapons blazing, for example.
#* [[Shown Their Work|I will also use my knowledge of just what finished off most Native American civilizations' ability to resist]] [[Trojan Horse|and have all diplomatic gifts from alien cultures]] [[War of the Worlds|and all visiting aliens quarantined and screened by at least two competent microbiologists, a virologist and a molecular biologist.]] We also value these gift so much, we should store them in sealed bullet-proof glass boxes—both before and after such study.
#* [[The British Empire|Letting any alien power introduce]] [[Opium Den|an incredibly addictive substance to Earth's population is way out.]] [[Harry Turtledove|Trying it on the aliens]] [[Worldwar|is worth a shot, however.]]
#** [[Torchwood|Within]] [[Powered by a Forsaken Child|reason.]]
# I shall remember the limitations of torture. It can often yield [[Torture Always Works|highly inaccurate or suspect information]] and is easily thwarted by either not having multiple parties to cross-reference with or said parties having planned for the eventuality. It breeds hostility and resentment, dangerous if the victim escapes. As such torture will never be the first resort, that is trying to have a decent, civilized conversation. Torture is reserved for openly hostile visitors, and never used to attempt to acquire detailed information. It has value in emergencies but if a protracted period of time is available, turning the enemy is preferable. In addition I will keep in mind that [[To the Pain|the threat of torture]] is often just as effective, if not more so, as torture itself.
#* If it becomes necessary to use [[Enhanced Interrogation Techniques|Coercive]] [[Jack Bauer Interrogation Technique|information]] [[Unusual Euphemism|gathering]]... sorry: ''[[Unusual Dysphemism|torture]]'' or [[Playing with Syringes|painful medical procedures]], I will not allow it to become a matter of public record that we use these methods. People are more likely to voluntarily turn themselves or their family in when they think they've been possessed or [[Face Full of Alien Wingwong|impregnated]] by an alien monster if they think we are going to help them, than if they think [[They Would Cut You Up|we would cut them up.]]
#* If for any reason we ''have'' to cut anyone up, they will be dead first. If that is not possible and it still necessary to go all [[Alien Autopsy]] on them, they will be very heavily sedated. This is both for [[Even Evil Has Standards|ethical reasons]], and to ensure they don't [[District 9|escape and go on a roaring rampage of revenge with their new alien tech or superpowers.]]
# I will not randomly lock up very competent scientists without charge or trial because their relatives have been held hostage and they've been forced to steal state secrets. Instead, I will offer them a job, as they have just demonstrated both scientific and espionage skill, along with basic loyalty instincts.
#* I will then closely monitor said relatives. This will ensure that (a) no one will be able to kidnap them again, and (b) the scientist will appreciate the organization more for taking good care of his family, extending his familial loyalty to at least some of my agents.
# I will not assume that [[Hollywood Cyborg|cyborgs]] and [[Half-Human Hybrid|Half Human Hybrids]] are automatically evil. If they're sapient, they are capable of independent decision-making. I will treat them with the same respect as anyone else.
#* However, I will not [[We Come in Peace, Shoot to Kill|cling to the delusion that they are peace loving]] in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary and I will prepare a sufficient force in case of this circumstance.
# I will monitor [[Fantastic Racism|anti-alien sentiment]]. We don't want contact with a friendly species [[The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951 film)|ruined by someone on our planet.]]
# Any Artificial Intelligence will be treated as my equal and be kept under [[A.I. Is a Crapshoot|just as much protection and scrutiny.]]
#* This protection will include [[Cut the Juice|a common electrical outlet]].
#* I will not give them names that are
#*# [[What Did You Expect When You Named It?|obviously evil]]; or
#*# [[Sentient AI Warning Signs|prone to giving them a thirst for power.]]
#* And it goes without saying that the entire running of my base, organization or the planet will not be [[Terminator (franchise)|left solely to an AI or computer]]. Nor will all computer functions be left to a single super-computer: [[No Plans, No Prototype, No Backup|I will have back ups.]]
#** If genre allows it, [[Rock Beats Laser|one of them will be a vacuum-tube computer]] [[Steampunk|or difference engine.]]
#** Repeat after me: [[The Dog Bites Back|I Will Not Mistreat The Sapient AI]]. Or any other experiments going on, for that matter.
# No matter how much my organization puts the needs of humanity first, xenophobic groups are counterproductive at best, active threats at worst. I will ''not'' encourage extremist xenophobes. I will ''not'' give them equipment, personnel, money, or the time of day. I will ''not'' work with them, [[Mass Effect|even if they do bring me back to life]]. I will ''not'' let them within spitting distance of alien ambassadors. The last thing we want is for potentially friendly aliens to turn against us because they think [[Humans Are the Real Monsters|humans are all selfish bastards]].
# I will not be so stupid as to "disappear" members of the media. [http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2009-10-26 All their friends and colleagues] are paid to be nosy and you [[Revealing Coverup|end up having to "disappear" whole population centres]].
# I will classify all alien species as generally malevolent or generally benevolent. [[Grey and Gray Morality|This scale will have an absurd amount of gray.]] Even in the clear cases, hostile ones [[Enemy Mine|will not be presumed quite useless]] and helpful ones [[Blue and Orange Morality|will not be presumed quite harmless]].


=== Insider threats ===
# I will investigate my superiors for signs of an [[Ancient Conspiracy]] and/or a [[Government Conspiracy]] [[The Man Behind the Man|larger and more sinister]] than my job [[Foregone Conclusion|already implies]]. I should, for fairly obvious reasons, also make sure my boss isn't an alien.
#* If my superior's name is [[Neon Genesis Evangelion|Gendo]] or they are suggesting [[Faux Symbolism|some vague mystical crap]] called [[Assimilation Plot|Instrumentality]], I'm just going to [[Cutting the Knot|shoot them all]].
# If I suspect I have [[The Mole|a mole]] in my organisation:
#* I will not announce this to all my staff: given my hiring policy should be actively seeking out the [[Properly Paranoid]] and [[Genre Savvy]], they will hear the words “we have a mole” as “I will now be turning from a [[Reasonable Authority Figure]] into an [[Obstructive Bureaucrat]] and letting a bunch of [[Inspector Javert]] [[Internal Affairs]] boys harass you and pry into your innocent and completely unrelated [[Dark and Troubled Past]] whilst The Mole, alerted by the announcement, will breeze past them with his or her carefully prepared cover-story. [[Witch Hunt|Feel free to stop working and accuse all your co-workers of being the Mole:]] [[The Simpsons (animation)|we now throw open the floor to your wild accusations.”]]
#* If I have narrowed the possible mole to a small group, [[Mission: Impossible|I will not send them on an elaborate mission designed to kill them, monitored by another team, and presume that the only apparent survivor MUST be the mole.]] This is inefficient, costly, WILL kill good agents and negates the idea that the Mole may be either [[Crazy Prepared|prepared for this and able to fake his or her death,]] [[Self-Disposing Villain|or is simply unlucky and one of the ones killed.]]
#* Moles will not be [[Rewarded as a Traitor Deserves]]: They will be used to [[Feed the Mole|feed false, but plausible information (plus some true but minor secrets to keep them interested) to our enemies]] preferably without the mole knowing we know. If the mole finds out he will be reminded that [[Rewarded as a Traitor Deserves]] is still an option should they fail to comply.
#If I have discovered a mole in my organization, I will remember that if the organization could be infiltrated once, it can be infiltrated multiple times.
#* Corollary: If I do decide to move against known spies, I will wait until I am reasonably confident I have discovered their fellows. Disappearing one member of a spy ring will only make the rest more careful. In the meantime, the known spies can be used as a conduit for disinformation. Should this prove impractical, they should be promoted or otherwise rewarded in some inconspicuous way to encourage them to believe they have me fooled.

== Working With Others ==
=== Working with other agencies ===
# I will maintain good relations with all other agencies in my field.
# Likewise [[The Collector of the Strange|rich xenophiles.]]
# While I may not necessarily ''approve'' of [[The Sarah Jane Adventures|a plucky band of civilians fighting aliens on their own]], I will at least maintain contact with them. I can recruit them, or at least train them; and they, in return, may come in handy in situations where plausible deniability is needed.
# I will emphatically ''not'' [[Torchwood|send assassins to wipe out another agency right when there's an alien invasion afoot.]]
# If [[Ragtag Bunch of Misfits|a plucky band]] of [[Adults Are Useless|high-school aged youths]] tell me that [[The Virus|aliens are taking over respected and influential members of society,]] [[Les Collaborateurs|with the help of some human turncoats,]] [[The Quisling|some in government]] [[The Mole|and some in my own organisation]] [[Masquerade|using an elaborate cover story]] and they have been [[La Résistance|fighting against them alone]] for some time and are [[Animorphs|subsequently developing serious behavioural problems]] [[Child Soldiers|from being forced to take lives at such a young age,]] then [[Reasonable Authority Figure|I will give them the benefit of the doubt,]] [[Crazy Prepared|and prepare an info leak]] [[Broken Masquerade|revealing both my agency and these alien invaders in case they are telling the truth,]] and THEN investigate the truth of their claims. If they are wrong, no harm done. [[Properly Paranoid|If I suddenly die or mysteriously vanish,]] [[Taking You with Me|then the leak will alert the world to the problem that my agency is compromised.]] [[There Are No Therapists|And I will try to get them some therapy.]]
# If at any time [[The Masquerade]] threatens the continued safety of the planet (such as by [[Stargate SG-1|giving one corrupt politician the power to single-handedly shut down the entire operation out of spite]]), I will not hesitate to go public.
#* Once the Masquerade has been broken, whether or not I started it, I should consider [[El Goonish Shive|going public]] with some or all of my operations. There's no sense spending money denying the existence of a counter-alien organization if people know we're out there ''anyway''.
# I will let the heads of the major world governments know about me only on sufferance, assuming one of them is not my boss. If they are aware of me, I will make it as clear as possible that I am there to fight aliens, not other human nations.
# I will endeavour not to let all world leaders join together in one place to meet aliens. Teleconferencing is still an option.
# It is my job to protect the planet. As such the governments of said world and the rights of citizens of said world are secondary concerns. They may complain, but dead people ''can't''.
#* A world-spanning police state is therefore an emergency option.
#** I will also look at the fate of dictators throughout history and therefore [[Cincinnatus|hand back power the moment I no longer need it]]—that is, the moment the immediate crisis has been resolved. Granted, that may leave the planet vulnerable to the aliens' inevitable follow-up attack, but if I don't trust the general population and their appropriately chosen leaders to be able to take care of themselves once the danger has been exposed, then planetary dictator just became my job for life... Besides, the more strongly I can justify my actions as motivated by urgent necessity, and the more plausibly I can deny any interest in power, the more likely it is that the Agency will continue to operate. Yielding power too soon is more likely to maintain my ability to influence events than attempting to hold it for too long...
# I will maintain good working relationships with terrestrial civilian law enforcement agencies if at all possible. Earth should not collapse because of a pissing match about jurisdiction. Also, you never know if you need an emergency source to [[Torchwood|research Emily Dickinson for you]], so it pays to be nice.
# If I am operating in a universe where travel between different parallel worlds is possible, my first act will be to seek out parallel heads of my agency and heads of other similar organizations on other earths to get some ground rules sorted. At the very least I want businesslike relations if not friendly ones with other parallels because the second to last thing I want is to suddenly find myself in a jurisdictional pissing contest with the [[Men in Black (film)|Men in Black]], The [[SCP Foundation]], The [[Hellsing|Royal Order Of Protestant Knights]], [[The Troper Board On Multiversal Travel]], [[Code Name: Hunter|RCSI]], [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2003|Agent Bishop]], the [[Protectors of the Plot Continuum]], [[Doctor Who|UNIT]] or [[Torchwood|Bloody Torchwood]]. The last thing I want is open war with them: it’s not my job, they could present a major threat, and if I defeat them then I’ve just removed a serious barrier to the enemies of Earth, and an earth with links to mine at that.
# I will make it a point to know about and establish good working relations with all other government agencies in my world whose operating procedures are similar to mine but whose area of jurisdiction are vastly different. If, for instance, my organization is investigating mysterious happenings and they turn out to be terrestrial in origin and caused by an object, I will immediately and with full disclosure hand the case over to Warehouse13, including full copies of all case files, all samples collected, and full access to all knowledgeable employees. I will expect this same courtesy if Warehouse13 investigates a possible artefact only to uncover extra-terrestrial origins. Likewise this will go for any other agency investigating any other incidents; if horrific murders we are investigating as alien experiments turn out to be the work of a genuinely human serial killer the case will be rendered unto the [[Criminal Minds|FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit]], if something turns out to be supernatural it will be handed over to the appropriate agency, and so forth. We will in all cases retain full copies of all files and full records of everything done, and if possible offer any useful assistance.
# If I am operating in a universe with Superheroes, or other [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2003|Benevolent Mutants]], I will not make it my open goal to capture them and cut them open [[For Science!]]
#* I will take it a step further. Recognizing that being a superhero is often lonely, thankless work, I will attempt to establish a friendship with any such entities and politely thank them for their assistance.
#* To take it one step further, I will actively assist them in any way I can that does not violate my organization's charter or overstep my authority. There's always the chance they'll return the favor, and if not I've made Earth a little safer.
#* If it is ever either a necessity, or manifestly in earth’s best interests, [[Cut Lex Luthor a Check|I will not be too proud to work with super villains]] [[Enemy Mine|against a greater enemy,]] however [[Reliable Traitor|I will act on the presumption that they are going to betray me,]] and will be prepared for this. Note: work with them against a common, [[Sliding Scale of Villain Threat|BIGGER enemy:]] If we find ourselves [[Farmer and The Viper|working alongside the Joker,]] to [[Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny|beat up E.T.]] we're doing something ''[[Epic Fail|wrong!]]''

=== Working with friendly aliens ===
# I will learn to spot the tell-tale differences between intelligent species with whom I can negotiate, and beasts with which I cannot negotiate.
# I will try and recruit aliens if at all possible. I will take all possible security measures in dealing with them, however.
#* If conventional security techniques such as photo IDs are, for whatever reason, inapplicable to my alien ally (e.g. can [[Voluntary Shapeshifting|shapeshift]], can [[The Nth Doctor|regenerate]]), I will make a note of this in his/her/its file and develop an alternate method of identification, so our field agents don't waste valuable time going "But you don't ''look'' like him...".
#** Since such species and their neighbours probably faced the same problems, methods already practiced by them should be taken into account—and also used to enhance security on the human side, if applicable. By the same token, if terran crooks and spies adapt, aliens' basic security techniques should not be automatically assumed foolproof either.
# If I am lucky enough to have as a resource an [[Doctor Who|advanced and incredibly knowledgeable alien who occasionally helps our organisation]], I will request that he tell us as much about the most common kinds of alien threats as possible, rather than explaining only when he meets them.
#* I will also arrange for some kind of contact method with him, as well as for anyone who he may have travelled with and trained up.
#** I will not treat people traveling with him like tag-along children. They probably know more about aliens than I do, and would likely make great recruits for my organization.
#* And I'll do everything I reasonably can to entice him to join the organization full time, or at least to be on priority retainer.
#* Failing that, I will hire a [[Hollywood Homely|reasonably unobtrusive]], but charismatic [[Unfazed Everyman|young woman]] who will [[The Mole|"resign"]] from the organization in order to travel with said alien. I will be able to contact this operative at a moment's notice.
#* I will do everything in my power, and command my subordinates to do everything in theirs, to ''not piss him off''.
# If the friendly and hugely powerful alien tells my organisation, more than once, that bullets are not the best way to deal with a problem, then I will have a team of competent planners come up with some less violent plans. (Or more violent plans, if that's what they meant - sometimes a tank round or missile is exactly what you need.)
# If my incredibly advanced and intelligent alien buddy tells me that I cannot negotiate with an alien species, I will assume he is correct, but try anyway, just in case.
# Despite how sensible it may be, I will not follow through any plan to save the Earth that will doom our alien protector in the process if he may literally be moments from safety.
#* ''However'', if our alien protector [[Heroic Sacrifice|insists that his sacrifice is the only way]], he's probably right and we should get on with it. (He's probably got a plan to recover anyway.)
* However, if the above mentioned alien is hostile to our organization, I will undertake an immediate and paradigm-shifting overhaul of the objectives and practices of my organization (at least for the time being). If that is not possible, I will attempt to negotiate a relatively favourable/painless surrender. I will not attempt to outsmart him; and above all else, I will not [[Berserk Button|threaten/harm/use as leverage his current or former associates]].

=== Telling friendly aliens from unfriendly ===
# If a race of [[Human Aliens|apparently human]] [[V (TV series)|V]]isitors appear friendly but have oddly cool handshakes and cause [[Evil-Detecting Dog|any animals present to panic,]] I will keep them under observation. The fact that someone is a [[Lizard Folk|reptilian alien]] does not necessarily [[Reptiles Are Abhorrent|make them a bad person,]] but if they are trying [[Masquerade|to hide this]] then something is very wrong.
#* If "friendly" Aliens ask the industrialists of earth to produce a chemical for them, supposedly to save their own world, I will ensure it is carefully analysed by us before I let any government say yes. I will also keep a close eye on pollution-control atmospheric monitoring stations: If it's toxic, I’m not letting them make it in case they dump it into our atmosphere. If it's ''not'' toxic and they are dumping it into our atmosphere, then the whole story of them needing the chemical is a cover, they are up to something [[Terraform|MORE]] sinister than poisoning our world and must be stopped.
#* I will remember the great improvement in the human condition [[For Science!|brought about by scientific progress.]] If “friendly” Aliens start spreading anti-scientific sentiment, implying a [[Milkman Conspiracy|global scientific conspiracy despite the fact that scientist are about as far from a unified group as you could get on earth]], or if prominent scientists and anthropologists investigating these Visitors start to disappear, I will remember to whom, between human scientists and aliens, I owe my allegiance. (Hint: {{spoiler|humans.}})
# Given that very few nations on this earth still have the exact same sets of allies and enemies they had 100 years ago, I will never presume a friendly alien civilisation will ''[[Face Heel Turn|stay]]'' friendly forever, especially if they have any [[Magnificent Bastard]] traits: at the very least [[Crazy Prepared|I will plan]] for any [[Firefly|sudden, yet inevitable,]] [[Reliable Traitor|betrayals.]]
#No matter how friendly someone appears, I will implement a carbon copy of the [[wikipedia:Monroe Doctrine|Monroe Doctrine]] with the words "European" replaced by "Alien" and "western hemisphere" replaced with "Earth", until such a time, if ever, it is manifestly in earth’s interest to do otherwise. Just in case.
# If aliens are kidnapping people and their explanation, when pressed, is that their [[World Half Empty|race is dying]] or they are the [[Last of His Kind|Last of Their Kind]] [[Mars Needs Women|and they need to breed with humans,]] [[Mate or Die|In order to survive,]] and so they have been kidnapping and [[Face Full of Alien Wingwong|knocking up humans,]] then I will take this with a pinch of salt as even with [[Human Aliens|convergent evolution]] any form of [[No Biochemical Barriers|viable pregnancy or even sterile hybridisation seems unlikely.]] If this in fact turns out to be the truth, or if it’s not but they [[Green Space Babe|just honestly find humans sexy]] [[Boldly Coming|and want some fun]] [[Orange and Blue Morality|but did not understand we would not approve of the kidnap]] [[Rape Is Love|as they would]] then I will stop the abductions and just recommend that they set up a website to recruit [[Interspecies Romance|like minded humans]] [[The Internet Is for Porn|via the internet]] safe in the knowledge that [[Ugly Cute|no matter what the aliens look like]] or [[Fetish Fuel|how they reproduce,]] [[Rule 34|There will be no shortage of volunteers.]]

== Weapons and combat procedures ==
# In view of the fact that many aliens are [[Immune to Bullets|immune to standard weapons]], [[Depleted Phlebotinum Shells|several forms of non-standard weapons]] will be on hand.
# I will remember that human armies have access to a full variety of systems, including heavily armoured tanks, aircraft, bulletproof body armour, helicopter gunships, guided bombs and cruise missiles. For this reason I will think twice before attempting to counter any alien emergency with either light infantry or [[Nuke'Em|nuclear bombs]].
#* I will also remember which system does what. For instance, I will train my people not to use Sidewinder missiles against [[Too Dumb to Live|ground targets or giant alien space craft.]]
# I will only ever use reverse-engineered or Earth technology for standard missions. If I cannot replicate it, I cannot predict, control, or fix it.
#* I will, however, break the above rule in emergencies.
#* I also will assume alien [[A Miracle of Science|know their own technology and all its exploitable flaws better]] than I ever will, and not, if at all avoidable, use their technology [[Empathic Weapon|against its creators]], [[Like Cannot Cut Like|just in case]]. Using it against other aliens is fair game.
# No unit securing a structure, especially the dark basement area of that structure, will operate in teams of fewer than 12. Furthermore, the squad will be in constant communication with base control.
#* And if they encounter something threatening (or just plain inexplicable), they will immediately report back and give a concrete description/video of the anomaly (from a safe distance if possible). They will not waste time gawking like deers in traffic. That team may be only seconds away from capture or death, and some actionable intelligence is better than none.
# All units will contain at least one anti-tank level piece of equipment and one mass suppression piece of equipment with strict rules on their use. Thus they will never be forced to fight a swarming horde or a tank with small arms. Grenades will also be available.
#* If remotely possible, all combat personnel will be issued some form of light, collapsible, disposable rocket launcher like a M72 LAW or M80 Zolja. This provides both redundancy and a cost savings for targets not requiring a true anti-tank weapon.
# If one of my agents is travelling in a civilian vehicle fitted with some form of suspect device and it begins behaving strangely, he or she will park the vehicle and catch a bus.
# I will not commit crimes in front of highly moralistic allies, no matter how logical or necessary it is.
#* Unless they are [[Perfect Pacifist People|a pacifistic people who have long since outgrown both barbaric war and crude material possessions]] and it turns out that by their standards [[Humans Are Warriors|WE are the warlike ones]]: Ergo, they can neither hurt us physically or financially, in which case I can probably get away with it.
#* I will however remember that even if crewed by a pacifistic and unarmed people, [[Superweapon Surprise|there is no such thing]] [[Weaponized Exhaust|as an unarmed interstellar vessel]] [[Known Space|and I will never presume a war against any race with them will be a pushover]] [[War Is Hell|rather than a hard, bloody slog,]] [[Lensman Arms Race|which could soon escalate to frankly ridiculous levels.]] Hell, I will never presume war with any Aliens, [[Rock Beats Laser|even very primitive ones]] [[War Is Hell|will be anything other than a hard, bloody slog]]. [[Avatar|Especially if they're blue.]]
# [[Starfish Aliens|I will not assume that aliens have]] [[Orange and Blue Morality|the same mental outlook or ideas as humans.]]
# The first thing I will do in any area I think is under alien control is to check if the workers are hypnosis victims, zombies or alien clones.
# If newly arrived aliens turn out to be able to [[Aliens Speaking English|understand English]], I will want to know why. They may have a very very useful [[Universal Translator]], or they may simply have been here longer than they claim.
#* In addition to this, I will have with me at all times a staff member who can speak a language I explicitly do not understand. That way, if their "translators" can translate the alien tongue into English, but not that spoke by my companion, I will know the translator is either a fraud, or has English programmed into it to translate, thus requiring them to have been here long enough to have learnt it.
# If I clearly can't win, I won't fight. Sometimes—no, wait, ''all'' of the time—you can do more as a heavily armed, well-organised and well-led resistance than getting slaughtered in a blaze of glory.
# In general, glory is a waste of life.
# For some reason aliens may want to invade [[To Serve Man|to eat humans]]. This makes no sense based on size and time to mature, but if they do try, I will instead offer them a large stock of more traditional livestock, feed plants, and a manual on animal husbandry.
#* Unless this is ''[[Conspicuous Consumption|why]]'' they want to eat humans, in which case I will find something even more rare and harder to bread/rear/mature for show-off aliens to eat (and then sell it to them in exchange for Alien Tech). If push comes to shove, [[Eat the Dog|and it's us or the Pandas,]] well... they're finger Ling-ling good!
#* Also, aliens who want to invade to [[V (TV series)|steal our water]] will be offered low-priced concessions on Saturn's rings or the Kuiper Belt, self-delivery.
# Even if they are airborne battleships, I will operate all war machines in groups of at least two, or at the very least give them competent backup.
# I will keep in mind that even if the enemy forces consist of giant, menacing space vessels that earth maintains a highly skilled and expedient air force and I will make judicious use of it. Very few things in the universe can survive stustained fire from fighter jets and bombers. I will not leave stopping a fully armed alien invasion to [[The Avengers (film)|a small group of paranormal individuals to defend a fully populated city when I can explicitly have air forces in the area in less than a minute]].
# If unknown attackers suddenly descend upon the cities of the Earth and are then repelled by a second unknown group with casual ease I will not necessarily trust the second group.
#* In fact, due to demonstrating superior military power and having not made contact with us to let us know it will be used beforehand, I will be much more suspicious of them.
# When meeting aliens, the security detail for any meeting will not consist solely of [[Half-Human Hybrid|alien human hybrids]], mutants or normal humans in case the aliens have some kind control power over one of these groups.
# While my military force is ''not'' a Legion Of Terror, I will keep in mind that some [[Evil Overlord List|evil overlord procedures]] are still applicable. Also, [[The Universal Genre Savvy Guide]] will be a required reading for all personnel.
# Named stars are generally bright. Bright stars are generally big. Big stars are generally unsuitable for life. Most of them do not live long enough for life to emerge in any case. If a race of aliens claims to come from Deneb or Rigel, I will proceed on the assumption that they are lying until and unless they can provide some kind of proof for their claim. I will bear in mind that if they ''are'' telling the truth, they are probably refugees from the imminent (<1M years) supernova of their home stellar system and sending them back is not going to be an option. I will also keep an open mind in case [[Name's the Same|the Rigel they're from is different from the Rigel we're familiar with]]. Though I'm gonna want an idea where ''that'' Rigel is.
# I will not assume [[Immune to Bullets|anti-personnel weapons work on alien soldiers.]] But [[Five Rounds Rapid|I won't assume they]] ''[[Five Rounds Rapid|won't]]'' [[Five Rounds Rapid|work, either.]]
# I will issue Type IV body armour to combat personnel until and unless it is proven to be like unto paper against alien weaponry. If such proof arrives, I will immediately withdraw it from the combat teams, to be replaced with light anti-shrapnel armour and order development of armour that actually does work, [[X-COM|using alien armour technology as a starting point]] if recovered examples prove resistant.
# If I have a scanning device that can detect my enemies, any evident malfunction will not be ignored, and [[Barb Wire|the subject of the scan will be put in security until a new scanner is available]].
#* Better yet, all such scanners will be deployed in pairs or trios, where feasible. Remember, one alert is a malfunction, two is a coincidence, three is your cue for [[Five Rounds Rapid]].
#** I will, of course, realize that I'm on a budget, and therefore should take care not to be too damn clever with this either. In particular, if I'm having major problems with passive security, more armed guards might be a simple yet effective solution. The reverse is equally true.
# If I ever run low on money, I will not [[X-COM|sell recovered alien technology on the black market]]. [[District 9|Dealing with heavily armed mobsters along with the aliens might prove to be rather problematic.]]
#* In the event that I have no alternate method of obtaining money beyond pawning alien tech, I will remember that first-world military forces have both more need for heavy weaponry and more money. Third world militaries are right out, since it's all too likely they will blow the secrecy and garner plenty of bad press in the process.
# I will have suggestion forms available. These will be in both anonymous and signed forms. All suggestions will be reviewed by an evaluator or committee. Serious and constructive suggestions shall be forwarded to myself and the relevant department head. There will be some form of compensation (pay bonus, extra leave time, etc) to the responsible employee if a "signed-form" suggestion is implemented.
# I will make it clear to my agents that [[Men in Black (film)|assigning the rookie a sidearm without explaining its capabilities, let alone qualifying said rookie on the firing range and assault course]] is ''not'' kosher.
#* Plainclothes agents will employ standard-issue sidearms as well as high-tech/alien-tech weaponry. The last thing we need is an agent being forced to use a pistol that can kill tanks because he doesn't have anything less powerful and discreet.
# If I must deploy a heavily-armed combat team, they will be outfitted in kit that matches the local military or police special-response unit. The last thing we need is a distinct uniform that anyone with a camera-phone can get a snapshot of.
# I will not, under any circumstances, ever rely on any [[Private Military Contractors|private military contractor]] for personnel. I will recruit from such a company if possible (they tend to attract skilled personnel).
#* If need be, I may use such a company in a support role, but only for plausible deniability. If such an organization does get involved, they will be ''very'' carefully monitored.
#* If the necessity arises, I may disguise my agents and combat teams as a PMC as cover to operate in certain areas. If I am going to use this concept as a disguise, I will form a front PMC corporation to establish the name so no one gets suspicious.
# [[Kill It with Fire|Flamethrowers]] are ''not'' covert weapons. They will be selectively deployed and only used in appropriate situations. Agents trying to "discreetly" use flamethrowers will be subject to harsh disciplinary action.
#* Just in case of the [[Tempting Fate|unlikely event of one or more agents having]] [[Axe Crazy|a complete psychotic breakdown in the middle of the HQ]] flamethrowers, and all other high-end weaponry, will be kept under lock and key until properly checked out from the armoury, after having their use approved. Agents will be permitted to wear standard-issue sidearms inside the base in case of a sudden compromise in perimeter security, but all heavy or specialised weapons must be checked at the door and taken directly to the armouries (which will have a range and other training facilities), and until an emergency such as the invasion of that HQ justifies opening the armoury to all comers, the carrying of specialist weapons will not be tolerated in normal working areas except by dedicated base-security staff. I do NOT need to be interrupted from my paperwork by someone tearing up the corridors firing jets of blazing napalm and shouting [[Protectors of the Plot Continuum|"Mr Rodgers! Mr Rodgers!"]] and all staff will have weapons '''immediately''' withheld if they fail their scheduled psychiatric evaluations: Issuing flamethrowers to [[Team Fortress 2|the gas-masked psychopath with the speech-impediment]] is WAY out.
# I will keep in mind that aliens may not have the same visual, auditory, or other sensory range as humans when designing such things as combat uniforms. A camouflage suit that fluoresces in the UV range is not camouflage.
# In the event of major combat operations, I will blame battle damage on terrorists, not [[Gas Leak Coverup|gas leaks]]. It's less sterotypical and there won't be any contradictory evidence outside of the affected area. I will also attempt to get local authorities to clear the area prior to my troops arriving. If they don't want to be left out, they are welcome to secure the perimeter—preferrably far enough that it won't matter much if they are infiltrated.
# All military personnel will be issued a combat knife, a taser and a pistol. These items are all light, but provide a variety of attacks in case an alien happens to be immune to bullets (which will probably be a surprisingly common occurrence). All guards that are likely to encounter humans are also issued a baton and are to be reminded that killing is bad for public relations.

== Medical ==
# All members must undergo a weekly physical examination to guard against alien infiltration.
#* These weekly examinations will NOT, repeat, not, be held on the same day every week. Preferably, they will be held no more nine days apart, or before four days after the previous examination.
# All members will have their DNA, fingerprints, and retinal patterns on record.
#* I will take care not to store these records in a form that would allow an infiltrator to steal and use them to produce evil clones.
# All members will have a sub-dermal microchip fitted. This will not be for identification, but as a guard against shape-shifters or clones, as these can rarely replicate inorganic components as well (this will not be taken for granted either).
#* These microchips will be manufactured exclusively in house by a team of several dozen randomly selected engineers, to avoid them being used to infiltrate me.
#** These microchips will monitor their brain waves to tell me if they are hypnotised.
#* These chips will be designed to permanently disable themselves if an attempt is made to transfer the device to a different person.
# All politicians and high military commanders will be subject to the same tests as my personnel. Due to the great power that comes with their positions, [[Freelancer|keeping their bodies unchecked is a Very Bad Idea]].
# Whilst dealing with uncatalogued organisms and chemicals, I will maintain a total quarantine of the area.
#* Should I have to interact with said organisms/chemicals, all work must be performed in Biosafety Level 4 facilities. I will take such simple precautions as a [[No OSHA Compliance|full-body HazMat suit]] and handle dangerous chemicals remotely using robots, [[District 9|lest I become contaminated]].
# Autopsy is the ''least'' efficient way to gather data about an alien's physiology and capabilities. Doing it immediately to unknown aliens may also result in my missing important intel such as "Earth is about to be invaded."
#* If I have to perform an autopsy for any reason it will be in a specially designed, entirely sealed, remote bunker with remote controlled robotic medical instruments and emergency chlorine gas dispensers and flame-throwers. [[Not Quite Dead|Just in case.]]
#* All such procedures will be filmed using the best motion picture equipment available to ensure clear images. At the same time, a handheld super-8 camera with a dirty lens will also be used to shoot jumpy, poorly-lit, out-of-focus, scratchy footage of the operation, which will be posted to [[YouTube]].
#** The cameraman for the above will be [[Uwe Boll]]; ensuring no one will take it seriously.
#* Even if the alien is dead (note: don't assume it's dead [[No One Could Survive That|just because a human would be]]), I will make a reasonable attempt to contact others of its species before performing any autopsies. The last thing we want is to violate [[Due to the Dead|some alien funeral rite]], and returning bodies - assuming we didn't kill them, of course - might be a point in our favor diplomatically.
# Despite the obvious lure of the fascinating things I could learn about their biology, I will not conduct [[They Would Cut You Up|live experiments]] on any alien that I capture unless it is an absolute necessity. Not respecting the sanctity of life paints a bad picture of humanity, and torturing a first contact does not much help interspecies relations. If the race turns out to be hostile, I will have fresh specimens soon enough.
# I will develop a technique to find out whether people are under hypnotic control. That technique will be used regularly.
#* In addition, the people performing these tests will be trained to shoot or try to otherwise control those who turn out to be mind-controlled. This policy will be known by all employees, so they are aware of a risk. Ideally, all examinations will be performed in the presence of several already-checked armed guards.
#** In the event that we end up with someone actually does get controlled and breaks free, there will be a quick way of telling the entire agency "I have been compromised; disable my clearances, lock down the area, and do not look directly at me". [[Death Note|A belt buckle for sending the message is not fast enough.]]
# If I wish to use aliens for medical experiments, I will at the very least conduct proper animal testing to make sure that they do not have horrible parasites that hatch inside the victims, alien mind control or other side effects.
# All agents will have [[There Are No Therapists|regular psychological checks]] from real psychologists with more care and attention than a school counsellor.
#* Due to the high security nature of most of the info they will be dealing with they will be among my most carefully monitored personnel, the chief counselor most likely on my inner circle.
# [[Torchwood|Alien Sex]] is [[Hyperdrive|Danger Sex.]]
# There is no reason to even assume [[No Biochemical Barriers|that human and alien physiologies are compatible.]] I will therefore not [[Alien Lunch|eat or drink anything]] until I have had a full toxicity scan run.
#* Likewise, I will insist on a similar test before allowing any food, drink or medication to be given to an incapacitated alien. The last thing we need is to kill a friendly alien because we didn't know they were allergic to, say, [[Doctor Who|aspirin]].
#** The same test will be performed before feeding a hostile alien about to undergo interrogation. Sometimes, [[Schlock Mercenary|hot chocolate]] is [http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20010804.html as effective as a suicide pill].
# My rules on using only technology I can replicate and understand goes double for medical technology. While [[Torchwood|formerly]] [[Mister Seahorse|pregnant men]] can be useful leaders, if medical technology is the reason for the pregnancy, ''[[Epic Fail|you're doing it wrong!]]''
# No medical experimentation on my employees. ''Especially'' not without their consent. I do not ask for trouble.
# All medical techniques I do reverse-engineer will undergo testing at least as stringent as normal medicine before implementation.
# All visitors from off-planet will be quarantined before interaction with humans to protect mankind from extraterrestrial diseases. Visitors will be kept in a sterile environment and, if possible, vaccinated against common Earth viruses. The last thing we want is an interstellar diplomat getting killed by chicken pox.
#* On the other hand, in case of alien invasion, the first thing we will try is a water balloon full of those same common, harmless earth viruses and bacteria.
#** Or alternatively send a few ill people to the enemy home planet if possible.
#** I will also keep in mind that diseases that affect humans will not necessarily affect aliens. However, should these ailments affect aliens I will remember how much we hate HIV. And tuberculosis. And mosquito-borne viruses.
#** Keeping the above point in mind, I will remember that even if these ailments affect aliens, what is fatal to a human may only be an annoyance to an alien.
#* Also in the same thought process I will make sure that if said off-planet visitors have a foreign disease a vaccine for it will be produced immediately and distributed to the population. ''after'' testing them. I don't want my men suddenly drop dead because they were vaccinated against alien flu.
# If my daughter dies of a mysterious illness, I will understand that it would be disrespectful of her sacrifice to forbid an autopsy. In fact, I will treat all members of my personal circle with as much care as I would my employees.
# Any staff coming back from missions or leave will have a full medical afterward.
# Any alien children discovered in mysterious spacecraft will be placed under the care of [[Muggle Foster Parents]] and will be put under proper surveillance. If they are [[Human Aliens]], they will be told of their origins as soon as possible. However, annual visits to a doctor under my employ will be regularly expected.

{{reflist}}
[[Category:Just for Fun]]
[[Category:If I Am Ever Head of an Alien Monitoring Agency]]